"ONCE UPON A CHRISTMAS"
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ACT II SCENE 1 THE STOCKROOM OF THE TOYSTORE. - CHRISTMAS EVE. - 9:00 PM NO. 20 - ENTR’ACTE Crawford, Bunk, Stacy and Beth are trying to figure out how the pieces of their Santa suits go together. BUNK (holding up a piece of his Santa suit) Where does this go? CRAWFORD (struggling with a pair of pants) How am I supposed to know? I didn’t start dressing myself until I was 13. STACY (turning the pants right side up) Here. You men are helpless. BETH (annoyed) Maybe I can be Mrs. Claus. I’m going to feel stupid in this dumb suit. STACY Join the club. This pillow is too big. Does Santa Claus have to be this fat? BETH This reminds me of my third grade Thanksgiving Pageant. My mother dressed me up like a turkey. All the boys kept chasing me around throwing water on me. They said they wanted to baste me. STACY I always thought you were a turkey. Very funny. BETH
CRAWFORD I really hope this works. I never tried to act before. BUNK Don’t worry about a thing. I’ve done some acting in my day. (MORE)
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BUNK (cont'd) As a matter of fact, I was so good in high school, the director let me play eight parts in our spring play. BETH What do you mean eight parts? BUNK The play was Arsenic and Old Lace. I played all the dead guys. BETH Wonderful! If this dumb plan doesn’t work we’ll all be dead. We’ll probably get arrested. A fake holiday book drive. Whoever heard of four Santa Claus’s trying to collect books from people at 10 o’clock on Christmas Eve. And in the middle of Rockefeller Center yet. Not only that, I don’t know how to act. STACY Relax. You know how Santa Claus is. A lot of Ho, Ho, Ho’s and Merry Christmas’s. Jolly stuff. Let’s practice one more time. Good. BETH
CRAWFORD (doing his best, which is pretty bad) Ho... Ho... Ho. No, wait. Ho, Ho...Ho. I think I have it. BETH Whatever it is I hope I don’t catch it. STACY (trying a low pitched voice)
Ho, Ho, Ho.
BUNK Not bad. Now, let the expert try it. He clears his throat, gets down on one knee and proceeds ala Shakespeare.
Ho...Ho...Ho...
CRAWFORD I didn’t know that Santa Claus was in Hamlet, Bunk! BUNK It goes to show how much you know. What about Clausius.
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STACY You mean Claudius. Who? BUNK
STACY Right. OK, Beth. You’re turn. BETH (in a loud, screeching voice)
Ho, Ho, Ho.
BUNK Terrific. If she opens her mouth, we’re finished. BETH Wait. I can do it. She tries desperately to lower the pitch of her voice, but can’t stop screeching.
Ho, Ho, Ho. STACY Beth, come on!
Ho, Ho, Ho.
BETH (no change, but getting worse)
CRAWFORD Lower, lower. BETH (she squats down, but no change)
Ho, Ho, Ho.
STACY Just think Like Santa. It’s easy! NO. 21 - “SANTA CLAUS” STACY (cont’d) HE’S THE BIG MAN IN THE BIG, RED SUIT. COMES ON CHRISTMAS WITH LOTS OF LOOT FOR ALL THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD. ALL THE BOYS AND ALL THE GIRLS. CRAWFORD HE FLIES ACROSS THE SKY IN HIS SLEIGH. EIGHT LITTLE REINDEER WHO KNOW THEIR WAY TO YOU HOUSE AND MINE.