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Hello Everyone, Valentine’s Day has come and gone… It’s a strange “holiday”… While it purports to be all about couples, it really isn’t.. It’s actually all about the Woman. So I thought I would start this missive with some comments from my wife about why it’s good to be a woman, followed by some advice to those just starting out on relationships: Why it’s good to be a woman: 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. Taxis stop for us. 4. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo. 6. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end. 9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot. 13. We will never regret piercing our ears. 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway. And for the men out there just starting out in a relationship, an explanation of the way women use key words… From someone who’s been married for over 30 years… 1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. It really means something; and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”. 4. Go Ahead : This is actually a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5. Loud Sigh : This is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That's okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you; do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'… That will bring on a 'whatever'). 8. Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying “F--- YOU!” 9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some great Italian drivers Fabrizio Rossi Biaggi Schettino ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have a guess at what causes the most accidents in the USA ??? Not cell phones.... Not the radio.......... Not the GPS...... Not talking.............. Not texting............... Not watching a car video...... Not changing a CD....... Let me give you a clue: The most frequent causes of accidents in the USA are caused by: Yep !!!....You guessed it.... Inappropriate footwear !!!!.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A visual representation of the ABS breaking system… Guys, you may have to explain this one to the girls… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It’s a funny old world: Anquin St. Junious, 32, can scarcely walk and can only feed himself with a special lightweight spoon, said his attorney. The La Crosse, Wisc., man is accused of stabbing a bartender before he was badly beaten himself. But although St. Junious sat "motionless" in a wheelchair in court, Judge Scott Horne concluded the defendant was less disabled than dishonest: surveillance video shows that while awaiting his court hearing, St. Junious was doing pushups in jail. So instead of releasing him over his supposedly poor medical condition as his attorney had requested, the judge doubled his bond. St. Junious "left the courtroom humiliated," a reporter noted. (La Crosse Tribune) Note to lawyer: Check for video cameras at the crime scene before arguing his innocence at trial. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things that make you go Hummm: There is a new tattoo parlor in Flint Township, Mich. That's not normally news, of course, but Serenity Tattoo, a fully licensed parlor, has opened inside a church, right near the Rev. Steve Bentley's office. Bentley says it's all part of bringing new people to the church -- he calls it "The Bridge" - - which caters to people who have given up on traditional churches. "The tattoo is a really prominent art form in our culture today," the minister explains. He has two tats, including one he got at church. He says tattoos are "morally neutral" and no different from, say, ear piercings. "You can get a tattoo in a clean environment," he promises. Other non- traditional activities in the church include cage fighting, wrestling, and auto repair. "We don't want a million-dollar building that's only used a few times a week," Bentley says. "That's such a waste of what God has given us." (Flint Journal) ...Humm… OK, but it’s well known that auto repair is the devil's playground… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ad of the week: An advertisers view of the male/female thought processes… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you know? Amazing new tires. I’ve talked about these new Michelin tires before... Absolutely SCARY looking. The latest news is that they will be manufactured in South Carolina , USA .and available by the end of the summer. They had a pair on display at the Philadelphia car show. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sign of the week: Great Program… and I love their tee-shirt tag ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The world’s worst: Santa ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YouTube of the week: For those of you like me who are fans of “so you think you can dance” – these two truly can!... and wow, that woman is strong!!! Check them out – but put the music on – great soundtrack too.. Sounds like Ginette Reno http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=cWIhXzZT8dE&vq=largeS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So you think you had a bad day? This is why smoking while parachuting is not a good idea… Finally, your motivation for the week: Have a great week now, David M Lynch Email: email@example.com Disclaimers: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were seriously inconvenienced. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the cat next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. If you have received this email in error, please don't read it again. If you wish to be removed from this distribution list, simply reply to this email and let me know, and as always, feel free to send me any jokes you have..... D And don’t forget… the full Monday Funnies Archive is available at www.dmlynch.com ..
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