MUFTAs 2008 Awards Ceremony - Friday 17 October 2008 – Murrayfield Hotel AWARDS VOTED FOR ON THE NIGHT
Award Comedy Moment of the Year (on the park)
Nomination Winner: 1. Paul Leonard (nominated by several people...)
Reason An inspired effort following a wild swing of the bat to simultaneously get stumped, put his back out and attempt to decapitate Pickles at the nonstrikers end. While watching a wide delivery go harmlessly past in a midweek the Belly gets his spikes stuck in the turf and falls backwards onto his stumps leading to a comical hit wicket dismissal. (One could perhaps also add dismissal for ducks by children at Bamburgh, Broomhall…) Needing just a single off the last ball to tie the match at Middlezoy, played on to his stimps. All the better as half the players on he field and everyone on the boundary couldn‟t see anything. Played against Edinburgh or Boroughmuir, anyone? (Div 2) Surely a momentary one-off loss of concentration from the Donmeister (AKA the best fielder in the club)
2. Ian Shiels
3. Tom Wheeler
4. LBW decisions
5. Don‟s dropped catch at Gifford, followed by that of Mr Belly who had not recovered from laughing at Don‟s drop 6. Asif trying to sexually harass/molest JP 7. Neil Yelland‟s attempted sliding stop at Sannox when he ended up covered in sheep poo
It was funny cause it was JP and not us For the look on his face. And because it took two weeks to get his trousers clean (apparently). And because the ball still went for four anyway. Asked Rafic for his name when he came on to bowl, then asked “Is that your Christian name?”. “Errr...no,” replied a slightly perplexed Rafic...
8. Umpire at Heriots
Award Comedy Moment of the Year (off the park)
Nomination 1. Paul Hubbard
Reason Obsessed with driving round industrial estates while on tour. Inspirational half-time speech at opening game at Heriots which centred on threatening to drop nearly everyone for next week. Deciding to have a lie-in on the morning of the Somerset Tour. A non-stop barrage of jokes and comments that would even make Roy Chubby Brown wince. In particular to Charlotte: “Is that the pearl necklace JP gave you?” and “You just have to accept it, you‟re not as fit as Lea.” Ouch. Summarising the match to the Broomhall captain as only Dazza can. You have to laugh when seeing the conveyor belt of cricket doom on the weather maps A meeting of minds...
2. Melvyn Clench
3. JP
4. Melvyn at Muflins
5. Darryn Kidd
6. Atlantic depressions
7. Stuart Coull being given lip by some Nedettes at the Gyle 8. Darryn Kidd on tour
For the spectacle of him being rescued from “that minga chick” – or was it the other way round? And his impromptu sleep on the Minehead sea wall – Greenpeace were on their way to save him when we picked him up. And the pint he drank in 45 seconds at 10am – coincidentally just before said sleep on the sea wall. And for spending a grand total of 2 minutes on the cricket field all tour (including two completed innings). And for getting eaten alive by the beasties that live in the Butlins carpets. And for that snoring – apparently the aftershocks would be felt as far away as Swansea. While “hard at work” at Peffermill as we played HBOS, found time to watch our game on the CCTV cameras and to shout abuse at Broon over the tannoy
Winner:9. Disembodied Don
Award Worst Dressed from Wardy) Muf (apart
Nomination 1. Rafic
Reason That “Wanted Naughty Girls (apply downstairs)” T-shirt (as witnessed at Glens game). The ghetto beanie!!! Suits and boots together! OK separately, but not running in to bowl at nets When did he last wash his rugby shirts? For dressing like a gay Steve Irwin and a gay David Hasselhoff – all in the space of one day. Also wanted for separate crimes relating to pink socks. And chav trousers. Turning up to the Murrayfield Hotel for an away game wearing white trainers, a white leisure suit/shellsuit/tracksuit thing, white top and white framed sunglasses. Quite ridiculous. “Raising the bar of follicle tomfoolery”; “New season, same sh*t haircuts”; “Just look at it. It‟s continuously f***ed. Hard to top Ricky Martin though.” No reason but just to make paranoid ;o) [N.B. Charlotte you buy me a pint I‟ll tell who nominated you for one...] her – if you this
2. Ali Amjid 3. Tom Wheeler
4. Andy Piggott
Winner 5. Ian Shiels
6. Adeel Raza
Worst Mufs from Iain M)
Haircut
(apart
Winner 1. Adeel Raza (multiple nominations)
2. Charlotte Bascombe
3. Drew Barker
Kevin Keegan, Terry Mac and Ryan Sidebottom would all be proud of this one. Combination of giant bubble perm and Smiths “The Queen Is Dead” t-shirt surely a unique one.
Award Champagne Moment of the Year
Nomination 1. Dismissal of Mick Raso
Reason Given out by his near guffawing playing colleague while attempting to reverse sweep Tom. Must have made 30 yards to catch and hang on to the ball. For that same magnificent dismissal/injury/throwing missile at vice-captain combo Because hundreds and fifties are boring. Guess who nominated this one?
2. Pav‟s catch at Bamburgh 3. Paul Leonard again
4. Adam‟s one-handed, 6-saving, 50-preventing catch on the boundary against Boroughmuir 5. Nadeem‟s 137 (and 4 wickets) for the 4s at Largo Winner: 6. Mangesh’s 126 not out at Freuchie
Ringer? What ringer?
Those of us in the glass-fronted scorebox had marked out an escape route in case he sent one our way. Fantastic batting. Needing 11 to win off the last over, Asif plonks the first two balls for six to win with four balls to spare. Although if you ask Hubbard, he‟ll still tell you that his 0 not out was the main factor in our victory. “Because Allegedly. they are c***s.”
7. Asif going massive against Fauldhouse
8. 1s beating Carlton
9. 3s beating Heriots
Stuart says he “hasn‟t had that pleasure since he was 15”. Which is probably true of quite a few other things for him too. Who needs a reason? But if you did, then Davie Ross‟s encounter with the Muirhouse wasp‟s nest would fit the bill perfectly.
10. 1s beating Heriots
Award Best Tea
Nomination 1. Holy Cross
Reason Fresh strawberries and combo always a winner. pizza
2. Tetley‟s
Because Asda‟s own brand is weak. (Point wilfully missed here, I suspect.) Lovely spread - briefly alleviated the pain of getting completely horsed from (near) start to finish. Technically more like supper than tea, but who cares, it‟s still pies. Practical and accommodating considering all the bad weather we had – must be worthy of recognition. (Note no mention of the actual food though...) Because the losers put it on. (I‟m sensing a pattern in some of these nominations...) Rolls! Cakes! Tea! Proper mugs! For Shannon and Keith. And for inviting us to impromptu barbecues when we weren‟t even playing them. And for the postmatch herbal remedies... Less cricket, more spirits – an excellent night on the bevvies after another rain-ruined game Well if you‟d chased down 214 having been 6 for 5, I reckon you‟d be fairly sporting and good-spirited too... Cos they are rubbish, but try hard All round good eggs (and nominator‟s next door neighbour plays for them) No reason given. Presumably their 2s rather than their nonlbw-giving 1s. Sunshine and beer made a heavy loss bearable.
3. East Kilbride
4. The pies at Gifford
5. Rumblin Tums
6. Carlton
Winner: 7. Largo Most "cricket spirited"/ sporting opposition team Winner: 1. Holy Cross
2. Edinburgh Accies
3. Largo
4. HBOS
5. Livingston
6. Boroughmuir
7. Dunfermline
Award Worst Excuse for not Playing
Nomination 1. Rob Fotheringham 2. Darryn Kidd 3. Groundsmen
Reason Getting married. I ask you. Fleas, mites and lager It has / will / probably might rain. Surely a mark of the criminally insane
4. Chris Brown (mainly) for watching Newcastle matches 5. Nick Hill
Couldn‟t play due to birth of sister‟s baby – which mush in that case have taken about a month. Then got married to put paid to the rest of his season. Phoned at 6.15pm on Friday to say he was “a bit tired”. You‟re 15 years old, for crying out loud... Off to see some “chicas” apparently – but we never got to see the photos 1. See Comedy on Park moment. And Champagne moment... 2. For “breaking the stink finger” (!) at nets trying to catch a gentle lob back from his better half (that‟s Asif, in case anyone‟s in doubt) Continues migration. its post-marital
Winner: 6. Adeel Raza
7. Rafic Settu
The “MEDIC!!” award for injury or illness in, or around, the combat zone
1. Paul Leonard
Winner: 2. JP
Most Impressive Beer Belly Award
1. Rob Fotheringham
2. OMH
Has regained past glories. Not as big as Mr Belly‟s, but can be manipulated from “slightly fat” to “ten months pregnant”. Demonstrations on request. It has a face on it. „Nuff said. Surely time for a lifetime achievement award.
3. Darryn Kidd Winner: 4. Ian Shiels
Award “Daybus Memorial ToyThrowing Award” for best cricket-related loss of temper
Nomination Multiple Winner: 1. Melvyn Clench
Reason Losing it with a number of fielders in home game v Carlton. Losing it with a number fielders in away game v Leith of
2. Melvyn Clench
3. Melvyn Clench
Losing it with the whole team in the dressing room at Heriots Losing it – albeit mainly to himself, and more quietly than usual – as we capitulated at East Kilbride
4. Melvyn Clench
5. Charlotte Bascombe
Various incidents mostly concerning Don and/or run outs Nominated himself for general crankiness. Others nominated him for his frequent strops after being smited (or should that be smote?) on the message board. Those pads that apparently make him run 2% faster. Which has saved him valuable time on his frequent walks back to the pavilion. For bothering to bring a cricket bat with him on Saturdays Runs the whole musical gamut from cheese to sh*t and back again. Tunes to rival Stuart‟s finest on the way to East Kilbride. Bonnie Tyler was one of the more credible artists on his mix tape. Not just for their terrible choice of tunes en route to Arran (Vengaboys etc) but for phoning up people in the other car and holding the phone to the speaker so we could hear this cr*p in all its glory. Poor Drew was in the car with them – I don‟t think he‟s recovered yet.
6. Stuart Coull
“FACE” award – i.e. Fancy Article of Cricket Equipment, that doesn‟t actually help your game at all
Winner: 1. Ian Shiels
2. Regan Black
Worst in-car music award
1. Stuart Coull
2. Mark Williamson
Winner: 3. Charlotte Bascombe/Lea Tsui