WRITING ASSIGNMENT NO. 1 DUE IN SUBSECTION THIS WEEK (10/29 or 10/30) Name___Benno Ashrafi Section__B2
Instructions: For each of the following, first critique each sentence and identify what is wrong, and then rewrite the sentences using the S*M*A*S*H* technique. When you rewrite the sentence, you may write two or more sentences. Example: Medical insurance, which in the case of union members is covered by a fiveyear contract hammered out a few months ago through collective bargaining, is among the company’s most generous fringe benefits. Critique: surplus words; mind the gap; shorter sentences Rewrite: Medical insurance is among the company’s most generous fringe benefits. Medical insurance for union members is covered by a five-year contract that was agreed upon few months ago.
EXERCISES 1. If undue risk is to be avoided in your law practice, it must be remembered that attorney malpractice suits are becoming increasingly common, and ample malpractice insurance is regarded as a necessity by most prudent lawyers.
CRITIQUE: Surplus words, shorter sentences, active voice REWRITE: Attorney malpractice suits are becoming increasingly common. Ample malpractice insurance is necessary to avoid undue risk in your law practice. 2. Good faith efforts to purge the contempt by respondent shall be taken into consideration by the court when the sentence is set. CRITIQUE: Active voice, Surplus words REWRITE:
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When the sentence is set, the court will take into consideration good faith efforts of respondent. 3. In this law library there is hereafter to be no smoking, except in the lounge on the third floor which has been specifically set aside for that purpose, and there is to be no consumption of either food or drink in any portion of the law library, however eating and drinking are permitted in the snack bar area located in the basement. CRITIQUE: Surplus words, Mind the gap, Active voice, Short sentences REWRITE: Smoking is not allowed in the library, except in the third floor lounge. Consumption of food or drink is not allowed in the law library; however, eating and drinking are allowed in the snack bar.
4. Being constantly alert for signs of mechanical or dynamic injury, the deceased is examined by the pathologist to determine the cause of death. CRITIQUE: Mind the Gap, Active Voice REWRITE: Looking for signs of mechanical or dynamic injury, the pathologist examines the deceased to determine the cause of death.
5. In gunshot cases, a determination must be made whether the wound was inflicted before or after death by the pathologist. CRITIQUE: Mind the gap, Active voice REWRITE: In gunshot cases, the pathologist must make the determination of whether the would was inflicted before or after death.
6. Judgment upon any arbitration award that may be rendered herein may be entered in any court having jurisdiction thereof. 14a CRITIQUE: Active voice
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REWRITE: Any court with proper jurisdiction may enter judgment upon any arbitration award rendered here.
7. There is no doubt but that the inspector was justified by the obvious nervousness of the skipper in this case in demanding that the cargo be opened for further examination of its contents in an effort to answer the question as to whether there was contraband aboard. CRITIQUE: WAY TOO LONG AND DRAWN OUT REWRITE: While looking for contraband, the inspector demanded that the cargo be opened for examination. The inspector was justified because the skipper looked nervous.
8. In the case of a taxpayer who intentionally fails to report the item as income, this is an instance in which criminal prosecution would be appropriate. CRITIQUE: Surplus Words, Active voice REWRITE: Criminal Prosecution would be appropriate in the case of a taxpayer intentionally failing to report an item as income.
9. At this point in time, the deputies were not conducting a “search,” even though it is the fact that they were looking though the window of the car. CRITIQUE: Surplus words REWRITE: Even though they were looking through the window of the car, the deputies were not performing a search.
10. Closed Memo: Pick a paragraph from your closed memo to rewrite. Copy and past it next to “Closed Memo Paragraph” listed below. Then rewrite the paragraph using the S*M*A*S*H* technique.
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CLOSED MEMO PARAGRAPH: In order to be awarded damages for NIED our client must show he was aware of the event causing injury to his daughter and the severity of such injury. More importantly our client must show that he was aware of such as they were occurring. Calkins was not able to see his daughter during the injury and his only indication something went wrong was his daughters call for help. Because he was not aware of the severity of the injury, as evidenced by his comments that he became seriously concerned later on, we do not have a prima facie case for NIED. I would recommend doing additional fact finding in order to establish such a claim. If we can show Mr. Calkins was able to gain some awareness or knowledge based on the reactions or signals from those audience members who could see the injury taking place we would have a stronger case.
REWRITE: To be awarded damages for NIED, Calkins must have been aware of the injury-causing event and the severity of the injury. More importantly, he must have been aware of such as they were occurring. Calkins did not see his daughter during the injury. His only indication of the injury was his daughter’s cry for help. Indicating that he was not aware of the severity of the injury, Calkins stated that he became seriously concerned a few seconds after the cry for help. We do not have a prima facie case of NIED because we can not meet the third element.
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