WRITING ASSIGNMENT NO. 21 Due at the beginning of Lecture on 11/4 Name____Benno Ashrafi Section_____B2_
I. SMASH INTRUCTIONS: For each of the following, first critique the sentence and identify what is wrong, and then rewrite the sentences using the SMASH technique. When you rewrite the sentence, you may write two or more sentences.
1. There are two defenses available to Acme. CRITQUE: Active voice. REWRITE: Acme has two defenses.
2.
Intentional interference with prospective business advantage, although related to a more familiar tort, known generally by the name interference with contract, or intentional interference with contractual relations, or inducement of breach of contract, does not require proof that the defendant interfered with a presently existing contract.
CRITQUE: Shorter Sentences, Surplus words, Mind the gap. REWRITE: Intentional interference with prospective business advantage, (“IIPBA”), does not require proof that the defendant interfered with a presently existing contract. 3. Commencement of discovery is not dependent on the judge’s consideration of the motion. CRITQUE: Flip it REWRITE: Discovery can begin with or without the judge’s consideration of the motion.
4. Cooperation with you is our sincere desire, and we hope you are willing to undertake serious reconsideration of your position. Your refusal to do so, and your failure to accomplish the completion of the work on schedule, would cause us to commence impoundment of your funds. CRITQUE: Simplify, Active voice REWRITE: Please reconsider your position. We will impound your funds if you do not complete the work on schedule.
5.
At any sporting event which involves the participation of an umpire, referee, judge, director, or supervisor in connection with the conduct of such event, it is a misdemeanor for any person to offer anything of value to the said umpire, referee, judge, director, or supervisor with the intent of influencing the umpiring, refereeing, judging, or supervising of such sporting event in such manner as may affect the outcome thereof.
CRITQUE: shorter, surplus words, simplify
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Some of these exercises are from: Richard C. Wydick, Plain English for Lawyers (3d ed. 1994); and Lynn B. Squires, et al., Legal Writing in a Nutshell (2d ed.1996).
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REWRITE: It is illegal to bribe any official in a sporting event.
II. PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR 1. Review Calleros Chapter 13. Do exercises 13-2(1) and 13-2(2) and answer in the space provided.
13-2(1) a, d, f
13-2(2) American Continental Can Co. claims the following: (1) Conco Sheet metal Co. sold defective metal; (2) Bassi Distributing fraudulently misrepresented the quality of such metal; and (3) Miller Trucking Co. negligently damaged such metal.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR EXERCISES 2-10: Correct the punctuation and grammar to the make the following into properly constructed sentences. Apply SMASH where necessary. 2. Future investments, designed to upgrade the production of chemicals with higher produce values and to expand selectively into new chemical markets. CRITQUE: Unclear REWRITE: Future investments are designed to upgrade the production of higher value chemicals and expand into new chemical markets.
3. Working capital consisting of cash and marketable securities, accounts and notes receivable, inventories, and other current assets, net of current liability.
CRITQUE: no verb REWRITE: Working capital consists of current assets less current liabilities.
4. Historically, funds from operations having served as the company’s principal source of capital, but supplementing this source have been additions to long-term debt. CRITQUE: REWRITE: Historically, funds from operation have served as the principal source of capital. However, these funds have been supplemented by long term debt.
5. The corporation shall indemnify to the full extent authorized or permitted by the laws of the State of Delaware any person made or threatened to be made a party to an action or proceeding (whether civil criminal administrative or investigative) by reason of the fact that he testator or interstate is or was a director officer or employee of the corporation served any other corporate function.
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CRITQUE: What are you trying to say? REWRITE: The corporation shall indemnify any party in the action.
6. The defense counsel elicited that the appellant paid for a listed telephone in his own name, kept some clothes and artifacts there, and the room was ready for him to be occupied. (Hint: lack of parallelism) CRITQUE: parallelism REWRITE: The appellant paid for a listed telephone there, kept some of clothes and artifacts there, and occupied the room there.
7. As a result of the collision, Rice suffered a sever concussion two broken ribs lost a front tooth whiplash and numerous bruises and lacerations. (Hint: lack of parallelism) CRITQUE: parallelism REWRITE: As a result of the collision, Rice suffered from a sever concussion, two broken ribs, loss of a front tooth, whiplash, and numerous bruises.
8. Provisions allowing arbitration is generally upheld because it enhances fair dealing among the parties and for the prevention of litigation. (Hint: lack of parallelism) CRITQUE: parallelism REWRITE: Provision allowing arbitration are generally upheld because they enhance fair dealing and prevent litigation.
9.
All of the justices was in favor of reviewing the case.
CRITQUE: REWRITE: All of the justices were in favor of reviewing the case.
10. Georgia, as well as nineteen other states, outlaw all acts of sodomy. Not at issue in the present case is the fact that parts of the statute criminalize sodomy by force.
CRITQUE: REWRITE: Georgia, as well as nineteen other states, outlaws all acts of sodomy. It is not at issue that the statute criminalizes sodomy by force.
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III. EDITING AND CRITIQUING CLOSED MEMOS INSTRUCTIONS: Keeping in mind the principles of SMASH, punctuation and grammar that we discussed in class, critique and grade the following excerpts from the closed memos. Then rewrite the sentence.
1. The plaintiffs in Bird were in the hospital waiting room when a series of events, including a call for a thoracic surgeon, a report that their mother had possibly suffered a stroke, and the image of their distressed mother being rushed through the hall, revealed that their mother was injured during surgery. CRITQUE: Parallelism, mind the gap GRADE: BREWRITE: The plaintiffs in Bird were alerted that their mother was injured when they heard a call for a thoracic surgeon. A doctor then informed them that their mother had possibly suffered a stroke and they saw their distressed mother rushed through the hall.
2. Here, according to the psychiatric evaluation, Mr. Calkins heard the cry while she was on the sheep, and his immediate response shows his contemporaneous awareness of an incident during the fall and/or the dragging. CRITQUE: C+ GRADE: Mind the gap, REWRITE: According to the psychiatric evaluation, Mr. Calkins heard a cry while his daughter was on the sheep. His immediate response shows his contemporaneous awareness of an incident.
3. The Stock Show could point out that Mr. Calkins was not contemporaneously aware of the injuries, but was just aware that an accident was occurring, and was only aware of the seriousness when he heard audience members screaming which would be seconds after the accident had occurred and void his eligibility for NIED. CRITQUE: CGRADE: Shorter sentences, mind the gap REWRITE: Mr. Calkins was not contemporaneously aware of the injuries because he became aware seconds after the accident when he heard audience member scream. He is not eligible for NIED.
4. On the other hand, the San Bernardino Stock Show may argue for a harsh interpretation of the rule, insisting that Calkins did not witness the event as his daughter was not visible behind the playpen, and further, that Calkins could not have known of the injury as the rodeo clown in the arena nearest Calkins was as yet unaware. CRITQUE: Shorter sentences, GRADE: C REWRITE: The Stock Show may argue for a harsh interpretation of the rule. They can insist that Calkins did not witness the event because his daughter was not visible
5. Your Closed Memo: Pick another paragraph from your closed memo to rewrite. Do not select the same paragraph that you chose for Writing Assignment No. 1. Copy and past it next to “Closed Memo Paragraph” listed below. Then critique and grade it, and rewrite the paragraph using the SMASH technique.
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CLOSED MEMO PARAGRAPH:
The plaintiffs in Bird are in a hospital waiting room while their mother is undergoing a minor operation. When the operation takes longer than expected the plaintiffs become concerned and learn from a doctor that an artery was mistakenly nicked. The court holds that in order to collect damages for NIED the event must be “contemporaneously understood as causing injury to a close relative.” Id. at 916. They use the word “contemporaneously” to demonstrate that awareness of the event and the injury must be present as the event and injury are taking place. The plaintiffs in Bird did not recover because they were not aware of the injury-producing event, namely the nicking of an artery, at the time it occurred. They learned of the injury-producing event from a doctor after it had already occurred. Id. at 921.
CRITQUE: parallelism, unclear sentence in the middle GRADE: BREWRITE:
The plaintiffs in Bird are in a hospital waiting room while their mother is undergoing a minor operation. When the operation takes longer than expected the plaintiffs become concerned. The plaintiffs learn from a doctor that their mother’s artery was mistakenly nicked. The court holds that in order to collect damages for NIED the event must be “contemporaneously understood as causing injury to a close relative.” Id. at 916. . The plaintiffs in Bird did not recover because they were not aware of the injury-producing event, namely the nicking of an artery, at the time it occurred. They learned of the injury-producing event from a doctor after it had already occurred. Id. at 921.
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