RUNNING RUGBY

RUNNING RUGBY JOURNAL OF LIVERPOOL COLLEGIATE RUFC June 2006 No.28 CHAIRMAN’S SUMMER MESSAGE won a large number of games and there is no one they can’t beat on their day. Harry Zalk is moving on and we wish him well for the future. He has been a great addition to the club and he will be sorely missed. Dave Angwin will again be captain of the first team. He deserves our full support; 1st XV promotion is our main priority for the new season. The Second XV had another great season last year with Frankie Carroll, as you would expect, leading by example. Trigger is the new 2nd XV captain and he too, needs your full support. Curly did a sterling job looking after the Third XV in the games that they played last season. He will be replaced next season by Sean Lenehan. Three new captains, all skilled and knowledgeable about the great game of rugby and all prepared to give up a great deal of time and effort on behalf of the Club. However, without your full support they will not succeed. You can start supporting them by turning up for training when it recommences on Thursday 6th July. Greater fitness and skill-levels gained through training are the key to turning in the more consistent individual and team performances that will win us promotion. The minis and junior section, plus of course the colts, had another tremendous season last year. Fielding 11 teams they won nearly all their matches. The Under–13s, 14s and 15s all got to the Lancashire Cup quarter-finals, the Under-14s eventually losing in the semi-final and the Under-13s losing in the final. The Under-16s got to the quarter-finals of the Lancashire Plate. The Colts (now part of the senior section) won their league and got to within two games of a national final at Twickenham. It was a truly fantastic achievement. It is Liverpool Cricket Club’s 200th anniversary in 2007 and the Rugby Section will be fully supporting the celebrations. Among other things, the section is planning a Senior 10s tournament, a junior tournament, an international ladies tournament, a Lancashire representative match and the Trial of James Maybrick. The latter has received the full support of the Liverpool Capital of Culture 2008 Company. It looks like being another interesting and promising year for the rugby section. Chris Jones (Rugby Section Chairman) NEWS IN BRIEF Collegiate player who is still a regular at the club (he is the one who wears very short shorts and who looks like a cross between Tin Tin and a Norwegian lesbian) has admitted wearing sanitary towels. Why, you may ask? He claims it helps him while cycling! What?! ---------------------------------On Super Sunday last season when four of our junior teams played Lancashire Cup quarter-final matches on the same day, Chris Bragg was heard to remark how disappointed he was with the state of things. When asked how he could possibly be disappointed, he replied: “the Burgers sold at the ground did not have any butter on the bread and there hadn‟t been any salt.” Chris might like to know that Weight Watchers meet at the club on a Tuesday night. (Don‟t ask me how I know that!) ---------------------------------Sticker recently seen on Sir Paul McCartney‟s car: “If you think this car is dirty, you should see the wife.” Last season was another successful one for the club. The First XV Roy Shannon, a former FINAL LEAGUE TABLE POSITIONS 2005-06 Euromanx South Lancs/Cheshire 3 Team P W D L For Against Diff Pts Oswestry Sefton Douglas (I.O.M.) Halton Parkonians Liverpool Collegiate O.B. Marple Ellesmere Port Newton-le-Willows Mossley Hill A.C. Moore 20 19 18 19 19 19 19 19 20 20 20 17 16 13 11 9 8 8 6 7 3 3 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 2 1 2 1 2 3 4 7 9 11 11 11 12 15 16 512 560 353 296 344 286 292 279 325 181 261 193 197 297 286 339 294 393 429 447 352 462 319 363 56 10 5 -8 -101 -150 -122 -171 -201 35 32 25 2 21 2 19 16 16 14 9 6 8 7 “The New Season’s Upon Us” by Jocky Graff The break gets shorter and shorter, which for some of us sad bastards who have nothing else to do, is great, but it doesn‟t give much time to take stock of the previous season‟s events and plan for next year. However, we are already ahead of the game this time around. There has already been a meeting to discuss these issues, and you will all soon be enlightened when you turn up training in July, as to what we intend for you – the club, to achieve this year. There is a clue here, and in case any of you aren‟t very good at cryptic messages, the point I am trying to make, is the fact that you are the club and it will only be what you make it. I don‟t intend to go over last year or indeed previous years, and extract all the positives and indulge you in nostalgia about the good old „Blue Boys‟ etc. That is all history now, and we need to go forward and make our own reputation and not live on past glory. I believe there have been many fundamental changes in the World we now live in, which in turn we must accept if we are to succeed. This is not to say that I think all the changes are for the good of the game, as they often conflict with the aims of the club, but we need to realise times have changed and manage the situation to the best of our abilities. What hasn‟t changed is the fact that you only ever get out what you put in. It is unreasonable to expect to swan in and out at a whim, and achieve success or indeed any real personal satisfaction. Rugby is a team game, and we are all dependent on each other, and the total sum of our combined efforts will always be more than that of any smaller group within the club. Again, a little too cryptic maybe? Then let me make it crystal clear; we all need to up the ante and put up or shut up! This isn‟t intended as a criticism of anyone, and I include myself in it. If I spit my dummy out one more time, there is a danger I will have to join the other exiles at Sefton – a fate not worth contemplating. So lets be honest with ourselves, and ask if there is anything more we can do. Let‟s share the load and only then will we reap the rewards of success. We have the raw materials and abilities to go forward and prosper, but we need to stop consoling ourselves with second best, and if‟s and but‟s and maybe‟s! It starts with you, on and off the pitch. We are near and yet so far, so lets get busy now, and not two or three weeks in to the season. Lets keep it up and support each other at all times, and then we will see and enjoy the benefits of our combined efforts, which is what it‟s all about! Let‟s Do It!!!!! Jocky G Frankie’s Carroll’s 2nd XV review of the season 2005/6  The 2nd XV continued to build on the success from the previous season. The team played in total 28 games winning 21, drawing 1. They finished runners up in the Saturday student league behind a very impressive Vets team which is no mean feat! The 2nd XV can be proud that they finished above local rivals Sefton, Birkenhead Park 3rd & the Medics.  Thanks to the tireless efforts of Dave Lucass, more often than not the rugby section was able to field 3 teams. This led to competition for places and improved standards throughout the club. This season also saw record attendances at training, again down to the persistence of Dave Lucass and the enthusiasm, energy and hard work put in by coaching team of Jackie Griffiths and Billy Readie. All this contributed directly to the success of the 2 nd XV. Thanks also go to Simon Taylor who always made sure the 2nd XV had a fixture even though most of the time we played Southport, whom we beat 8 times!!!!  There were some obvious highlights from the season 2 wins over arch rivals Sefton, one of which a 35 – 0 drubbing. There was also very good win against a very strong Medics team.  It was privilege and credit to the work of Tom Langford & Rob Smith to see some of the Colts player‟s (Adam Anderson, Graham Wilson, Chris Austin & Peter Day) progress into the seniors and make such an impact at the end of the season. The future seems very bright indeed! The 2 nd XV had a very good blend of youth and experience with young players such as Adam Ritchie & Shaun Canavan both having outstanding seasons, both should be pushing for 1 st XV recognition next year. Paul Walsh received the accolade of 2nd team player of the year for being the 2nd team‟s consistently outstanding performer.  Thanks to Damien & Rod who deserve a special mention for their tremendous support throughout the season. They watched virtually every 2 nd XV game this season. (They obviously have nothing better to do!)  Another fantastic season thanks to everyone played and contributed to the success of the 2nd team and Good luck next year in the new 2 nd team league. SIGNS & SECURITY SCREENS 2a Grove Street, Wavertree, L15 8HE Tel: 0151-734-5769 Fax : 0151-734-5769 Mobile : 07957-941235 RUGBY SECTION REPORT TO THE MAIN CLUB 2006 A.G.M. Last year was another successful season in the history of the club. It was also a special year as it was the 80th anniversary year of the founding of the club. The occasion was marked by several events including a 1920s fancy dress ball in a marquee at the club at which former England captain and grand-slam winner, Mike Rafter (the grafter) was our special guest. During the course of the year, the section developed its own website. The latter was seen as vital if we were to improve communications and attract new members to the club. The section also sent out leaflets to every new student who came to Liverpool in September 2005 in an effort to attract new players. Last season, the First XV, under the captaincy of Terry Mc finished mid-table in the league, despite another excellent start to the season. It‟s no good crying over spilt milk, but perhaps decision-making – especially taking kicks at goal from penalties, may have seen us home on more than one occasion and resulted in wins instead of draws. Hwyel James was the Player of the Season, while Paul Walsh was again the leading points scorer. Terry has sinced moved to Australia (some people will do anything to avoid paying their subs); we wish him and Lisa well in their new life down-under. The new season began with a new captain, Harry Zalk, and the team actually got off to a slow start, with two league defeats and an early exit from the cup inflicted by our old rivals, Sale Amateurs. However, there has been a constant influx of new young players, many of whom are contenders for 1 st team places, one or two already having made themselves a permanent fixture in the squad. Off the field, there have been significant improvements in the numbers training, and due to the tireless efforts of Billie Readie, many guys are now training twice a week. He takes fitness training on Tuesday evenings and the rewards are already showing. The improvement in numbers at training, and indeed on a Saturday – we are at the point were there is a 3 rd team fixture every week, is also due to the sterling efforts of Dave Lucass who volunteered to take on the role of Team Manager. There are still 6 league fixtures to play and we cannot be complacent, but we are now in a position were we can win all our matches. We can look forward to next year when we can consolidate on the firm foundations we have planted and realistically aspire to win this league. Last year the Second XV, captained by Frankie Carroll, had another very positive season despite often losing players to the First XV at the last minute. The team put in some quality performances and won nearly all their games. The 2 nd XV are part of a Saturday merit table including teams such as the Universities and Birkenhead Park and they put in some notable performances that resulted in them finishing third in the league. Martin Hoban was the team‟s outstanding player and he has been rewarded with a regular slot in the First XV. Frankie has continued his reign as captain this season and the team is continuing to improve. They are currently third in the league, but have a very real chance of winning it this year. James Forshaw, Adam Ritchie and Ollie Hunt have all caught the eye with consistently good performances. Some notable results this year have been a drubbing of our local arch-rivals Sefton 35-0 and a convincing victory over a strong Medics team. The Vets/Third XV, captained by Neil McBride won most of their matches last year. (The Vets themselves were undefeated.) The Third XV have continued in the same vein this year under the captaincy of Curly and so far they have only lost one match all season. With lots of new faces, plus a few old farts that still haven‟t realised that the time has come Under-10s Squad (2005-06) for them to hang up their boots, the section is developing one of the largest and best squads of players in the area. The junior/mini section is continuing to go from strength to strength with 11 teams from Under-7s to Under-17s (the Colts). With the commitment from players, parents, admin volunteers and coaches, we are now arguably the strongest junior/mini rugby club in Lancashire. Last season the minis (Under-7s to Under-12s) swept almost all before them; more than two hundred games were played by the teams in total and less than ten were lost. The Under-9s won the prestigious Hoylake tournament Under-9s Squad (2005-06) and the Under-11s were runners-up at the Hoylake and Rochdale tournaments. The junior teams did equally well. Last season the Under-14s reached the semi-final of the Lancashire Cup, while the Under-16s reached the final of the Lancashire Plate competition. Two of the Under-16s forced their way into the Lancashire squad, while Ando played for the North of England. Ando‟s success attracted such attention that he won a rugby scholarship to Kirkham Grammar School. The Under-14s also took part in an international tournament in Toulouse, France, where they were the only UK side to be represented. Despite playing teams a year older than them, the Under-14s managed to get to the later stages of the competition and were a real credit both to themselves and to the club. All the mini/junior teams have improved upon last year‟s results. The Under-9s have moved to full contact with ease and are thoroughly enjoying getting stuck in! They have had decisive victories over both Waterloo and Preston Grass Hoppers. The overwhelming success of the Under-10s led to a guest appearance in the Liverpool Echo. The successful Under-12s squad includes 7 players who are already in their fifth year at LCC. The Under-13s, Under-14s and Under-15s have all won their respective leagues; while the Under-16s have come third in their league. The Colts (last year‟s Under-16s) have also won their Lancashire league and they are in the semi-final of the Lancashire Cup. The Under-14s (last year‟s under-13s) had 5 players selected for a Merseyside team and have one player in the Lancashire squad. The Under-15s (last year‟s Under-14s) had 9 players selected for a Merseyside team and have three players in the Lancashire squad: Tommy Banks, Liam Wilson and Joss Campbell. Collegiate Ladies Only formed in August 2005, the Collegiate Ladies team have progressed “on top” amazingly in the short time they have been together and known each other. Their first game, ever, against Liverpool University saw them romp to a fantastic 19-0 victory, which made Coach Tom Phipps and Manager Simon Taylor extremely proud. A further game against Dutch „National‟ Lady champions, Wasps, saw a 28-0 reverse, but the girls showed truly awesome resilience and never gave up against a team with 10 years more experience. Games are coming thick and fast in the New Year, which will only strengthen the team‟s bid to gain league status in North West Division 3 next season. We need to keep recruiting new members to join this newly formed side, as we want even more progress before the season is out. Finally, the Section would like to place on record our thanks to all the Club members who have helped and supported us this season. A special mention must go Terry Glover and to John and Sue Perry whose hospitality and catering is always of the highest quality. The Section would also like to thank the Main Club Officers, especially Peter McEvoy and Philip Dunkley, for their help and support during the course of the year. Long may rugby prosper at Liverpool Cricket Club. Chris Jones (Rugby Chairman) A NEW LIFE DOWN-UNDER by Terry Mc Well, we have been here 6 days and where do we begin? A big g'day to all the boys at the rugby club. We hope it‟s not too cold and wet. Its really cold over here ! ( not, it‟s 35 degrees). We are up at 6am every morning and in the pool by 7am, we just hate it here haha. Barbies every night - oh what a life. Day 1 - nothing to tell apart from slept all day and night after a 26 hour flight. The flight wasn‟t that bad apart from Emirates Airlines feeding us on cheesecake every meal. I know we will never eat another cheesecake again. Trigger would love Emirates !!!! Day 2 - Up at 5.30am !!!!! yes guys TERRY MC UP AT 5.30AM !!!! We managed to secure us a lovely house in a complex, it has 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, air-conditioning, 2 pools and an outside BBQ. Oh yeh, and its overlooking a golf course and has the best views, and its only 170.00 per week and its bigger than most of your houses. Don‟t get any ideas as we are not having any of you over here, well apart from the umper-lumper men that is hahaha. No offence Macca. Day 3 - Bought a car, something called a daewoo not too impressed it doesn‟t go very fast, but used cars are very expensive over-here, so come back audi all is forgiven. Later on, we go out on the lash with Mercer around Surfers paradise. I hear a rumour that he has gone all gay on us and is in bed after a couple of scooners, he didn't do to bad on the lash, but the other stories about hair gel, gay hair dressers, pedicures and waxing on the back and g string area are all true and he is wearing thongs !!!! im sure the ozzie guys will clarify what they are !!!!! If Chris Bragg was here he would be ashamed. Watched the England vs Australia game which was 30 minutes delayed over-here, so i won a load of free drinks off the gullable Aussie's - suckers. Stumble home in the day light, good night had. Day 4 - Sunday feel like shit, nothing new there. Lie on the couch waiting for my day of sport on TV. Oh I forgot, 12,000 miles away and there is no sport on TV, gutted. Well all the other days have been spent lying by the pool and basically doing nothing but getting a tan. Oh and nagging Lisa to get a job .Lazy bitch. And I (Lisa) don‟t feel like working so I‟m being a sheila. I will not work. That‟s what you guys are there for - TO SUPPORT US WOMEN !!!!!!! She can go and get f--ked if she thinks she's going to be a sheila.(Terry). I've had 4 job interviews and knocked 3 of them back ! you don't get that in England normally they pick you, it just goes to show that there is plenty of jobs over-here. Take note lads. Get yourselves over-here even the kids are nice and polite!!!! I haven't been threatened by a gang of kids yet. No rugby being played yet as out of season, but as soon as they start up again I‟m joining Mercer‟s team. If that fat bastard can play 1st team I‟m sure Terry Mc can. One problem though, it's f--king roasting, so i might have to be a H2o boy instead. One more point, we now know why the Aussies are so good at sport. There are parks, golf courses, sports stadiums and green fields everywhere. What? No council selling the fields off for houses?. So the kids have got no-where to play, but hang around on corners collecting Asbo's instead of stamps? Oh I don't half miss that. Honest. I will keep everyone up to date with life down under. I've just bought a laptop and a webcam so will be able to talk to you all in person if you go and get yourselves webcams. Oh yeh, i forgot, mercer has just mentioned he cant write with any pen, he needs his " special nice pen " other wise his hand will hurt him, the less said about that the better hey !!! Just a little message to Jimmy C - how is the ginger monkey ??? that's from Lisa, Jim. How‟s the poker going ? Who has taken over Lisa's role of winning every week !!! Also is Mr Bullen still going to the Superstar Boudiour and dancing around with his shirt off and asking the lady boys to take his pants off for him? The man‟s an animal when in his words, having a quite one. Keep it up fella. Anyway, we are off now, we will write soon. Don‟t forget you can email us, the addresses are on the notice board. See you all in 8 months. Terry & Lisa Update (11/12/2005) Well we are one month in, I've been working for 3 weeks now. Things pretty relaxed in work, I just plod on, the 2 bosses seem okay. They are big rugby league fans, so it's lucky I know my stuff. I'm on a 3 month trail, if all goes well then they will take me on permenan and we will be talking about pay rises. Other good news is Lisa has just got a job with Austar, which is Sky TV to us, so free sky. Yes baby, Mercer is gutted. Ha ha. Not much else to tell you all about, except its Xmas in 2 weeks and it's 35degs, which just isn't right, but I suppose I will be able to live with it. So if this gets to you all in time, everyone have a good Xmas and a great piss up for New Year. PS The f--king pubs are shut here on Xmas day. Now that‟s just not right. Also a big well done on the ladies team winning their first game and keep up the good work on getting 3 teams out. And last but not least, come on the first team, you've turned the corner, now let‟s turn the 2nd half of the season around and get up there where I said we would be. Sefton are top and you beat them, let‟s overtake them. Good luck. PS I have now found a job so I‟m not a Sheila anymore. It was fun whilst it lasted haha (Lisa). TERRY Mc by “Olga TinTin Shithead Shannon” I first met Terry as a pupil at Rufford School. Both him and Paul Moran approached me about where they could paly rugby. I knew they were really good lads so I had no hesitation in inviting them to come to Collegiate. They arrived one Saturday and made a good impression, both on and off the pitch. In the bar afterwards they kept calling me “Sir”. So I said, “look lads cut out the Sir, while we are here you can call me anything you want. Shithead will do, most lads call me that anyway.” I only taught Paul, but Terry was in the next classroom. One Saturday they both approached me and said, “ Look Shithead we know its difficult for you to twat any pupil who gives you grief so let us know who and we‟ll do the business for you.” I must confess there was one lesson when I left the room while Paul fetched Terry from next door and on my return I found a suitably subdued once cocky bastard. All teachers should have a Terry and a Paul as their classroom assistants! I played quite a few games with Terry who was turning into a fiery. Combative player as befits his Kirkby heritage and small stature. My best memory of playing with him is when I made a comeback for the 2 nd XV after a four month lay-off with a back injury. We were playing Sefton and it was like Sefton Towers versus the Munchkins. Even their stand-off was huge, as tall as Peter Crouch, but we a lot more beef and not as inept at kicking the ball. The team spirit day that day was brilliant and we gang tackled them all afternoon. Terry was often at the forefront and really mixed it all afternoon. We lived off scraps and won the game. Good stuff comes in little packages. It was an excellent night in the bar afterwards. Terry continued to develop as a player, turning out for the 1 st Xv at scrum-half on a regular basis. Eventually he was elevated to 1 st XV captain, were he used his excellent organisational skills, both on and off the pitch, perhaps occasionally sacrificing himself for his perceived good of the team. Terry along with “Wids Macca” would occasionally turn out for Rufford Staff footie team on a Friday night and whilst not playing in the latter he would often meet in the Bootle Arms for aftergame piss-up and piss-take. O one such occasion in early January 2005, Terry who was blue-nose like myself, got in an argument with John Woods (Head of Humanities), a bigoted and pedantic Red. Woodsy wa convinced that Liverpool would win the Champions League. Terry thought that Woodsy was talking a load of bullshit (he normally does). Terry made a bet of one million to one that Liverpool wouldn‟t win the cup. A beer mat was signed and witnessed. The Friday befoie the final, Woodsy rang Terry to ask him if he had the £1m ready to pay after next Wednesday‟s final. Terry, who despite being a nice bloke, had the touch of the dark side about him, replied that “It only took £2,000 to take a contract out on anyone in Tower Hill, one day next week you are going to be run-over when leaving school.” Woodsy who is not the bravest of people, quickly replied “let‟s make it ten to one and leave it at that.” I am sure all the members of Liverpool Collegiate would join me in wishing Terry and Lisa all the very best in their new adventure Down-Under. However I am a little concerned that Dave Mercer is to be their mentor. All the very best and put another prawn on the barbie. HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain. Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!" A STAR IS BORN Jonny Davidson of Collegiate under 10's was the mascot at Sale v Bath on 28th April. It was a fantastic opportunity to meet and greet and take guidance and teaching from Sale players. He was given a tour of the stadium, met the players before and after the match, had one-to-one chat with individual players including Charlie Hodgson, Jason Robinson etc. He ran on to pitch with the players at start of the match, met Sharky whoo hoo ! After the match he met the players again in the dressing room for further talks and tactical analysis. Jonny did it !.......he's off to Twickenham he is representing Sale at Twickers in the 02 kick pass and run comp, he stormed the competition! So this makes him the North West regional winner from 100's who entered...Liverpool Collegiate are breeding winners again and again! Liverpool Collegiate’s Jonathan Davidson representing Sale Sharks was crowned the National Rugby Champion. He blasted to victory on the hallowed turf of Twickenham at the Guinness Premiership final Saturday 27th May 06, with a massive win over his opponents from all the other premiership RUFC teams including Leicester, Wasps and London Irish in the 02 Kick pass and run challenge. His was award was presented by Jason Leonard. Sale get a double victory as they won 45 20 over Leicester in the Guinness Premiership final.Jonathan is going from strength to strength another major title under his belt including North West Regional Rugby Champion. Jonathan is laying his hopes on becoming a professional rugby player in the future. Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency? Caller: Fire, I guess. Dispatcher: How can I help you sir? Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks? Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency? Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me? Dispatcher: Help you what? Caller: Help me get these chains on my car! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn...... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police AUNTY ROB’S PROBLEM PAGE Rob “nothing to do with me” Smith, the oldest and grumpiest club member, has unkindly volunteered to be the club’s agony aunt. He can be guaranteed to provide an unsympathetic answer to any question or concern. Dave Dear Aunty Rob, I‟m getting fed up of being called “Big Nose”. I don‟t even think my nose is that big. Now I am First Team captain I think I should get a little more respect from people. Best wishes, Big Nose, I mean Dave. Dear Big Nose, you must be joking, you nose is huge. When the team plays at our home ground your nose is a real danger to aeroplanes coming into land at Speke. Have you thought of having an operation? I had one (though it was to make something bigger rather than smaller…know what I mean?) Worst wishes, Aunty Rob Dear Aunty Rob, I think I„ve made a mistake. I turned up for the match, as instructed, wearing a nice outfit borrowed from my mum‟s wardrobe (by the way I felt I looked rather attractive) only to find that nobody else was wearing women‟s clothes. Everyone started to laugh at me; it wasn‟t fair, my make-up started to run and my eyelashes all curled up. Love and cuddles, Simon PS do you like the picture of me? Dear Simon, you certainly did make a big mistake. It was a cross-code game not a cross-dress game! Your involvement with the ladies‟ team has started to have a bad affect on you. My advice is to let someone else take-over the running of the ladies‟ team. (None of them fancy you anyway.) It just so happens I am available for a bit of coaching. Worst wishes, Aunty Rob PS Do any of them like older men? HOOVER AUTHORISED SERVICE The repair specialists in most makes including: Hotpoint, Bendix, Zanussi, Indesit A1 MERSEYSIDE ELECTRICAL SERVICES Tel: 0151-726-8000 Fax: 0151-726-9888 WAS JACK THE RIPPER A COLLEGIATE OLD BOY? James Maybrick was a well-known Liverpool cotton merchant whose wife, Florence, was convicted of his murder in 1889 and sentenced to be hanged. Her trial attracted a great deal of attention, both in Britain and America (Florence was an American citizen) and it was widely regarded as a terrible travesty of justice. The evidence was based on suspicion, rumour and innuendo. The prosecution claimed that Florence had poisoned James with arsenic; however, this ignored the fact that James was a long-standing arsenic addict. Public outcry against the guilty verdict was so strong that the case became one of the reasons why the Court of Appeal was established in Britain. After spending fifteen years in prison, Florence was finally released. She moved back to America and died in 1941. James Maybrick was not linked with the Ripper murders until the mysterious appearance of the so-called Diary of Jack the Ripper in 1992. The Dairy came into the possession of Michael Barrett, an unemployed former scrap metal dealer from Liverpool. Barrett had been given the diary by a casual friend Tony Devereux, who died shortly after from heart failure. Barrett discovered that the writer, who signed the Diary, Jack the Ripper, was James Maybrick. Shirley Harrison later published the Dairy in a best selling book. It was and remains the most controversial item in Ripperology and there is an intense and often bitter debate about the diary's authenticity. In 1994 Michael Barrett told the Liverpool Daily Post that he had in fact forged the diary, only to retract his confession, then confess to forging the diary once more, a claim he maintains to this day. In July 1994 Barrett's estranged wife Ann, in a statement said she had had the diary in her possession since 1968, and that it was given to her by her father, now dead, who in turn had received it from his stepmother. She had passed it to Tony Devereux to give to Barrett in the hope that he would write a story around it, as he seemed to have lost his purpose in life. Since the publication of the Dairy there has been a massive interest in the life of James Maybrick. He was born in Liverpool in 1838 into a well-respected and religiouslyminded family that had lived in Liverpool for several generations. At that time the family lived in 8 Church Alley, a narrow street that ran into Church Street, in the centre of the town. The family later moved to 77 Mount Pleasant. Nothing is known of the parents‟ influence over the boys or their schooling. However, given the family‟s wealth, social standing and religious background, plus the location of the family home, it is likely that the boys attended the Collegiate School in Shaw Street. Unfortunately, the student records for Collegiate for this period were lost in the war. However, records of the other Liverpool schools remain and James Maybrick is not listed as attending any of these schools. As a result, by a process of deduction, it does seem likely that he was a Collegiate Old Boy. In the 1880s, James Maybrick and his family moved to a very large house (still standing) named Battlecrease, which is opposite Liverpool Cricket Club in Aigburth. He became an active member of the Cricket Club. Just over one hundred years later Collegiate Old Boys RUFC moved its home ground to the Cricket Club. Next year as part of the 200th anniversary celebrations of the founding of the Cricket Club the Rugby Section is holding a trial of Maybrick for the Ripper murders. The trial would last a weekend and be conducted in an informal manner. If you are interested in the event, please contact Chris Jones, Rugby Chairman and event organiser at the e-mail address listed below. The Rugby Section is also looking for sponsors for the event. The trial is fully supported by the Liverpool Capital of Culture 2008 Company and it is envisaged that it will be one of their high profile events of 2007. That will give sponsors a chance to reach a wide audience (tickets have already been bought for the event in America) and, more importantly, defend an old boy from the school. TRIAL OF JAMES MAYBRICK Is this Liverpool man and Collegiate Old Boy really Jack the Ripper?  Listen to the experts  Hear the evidence  Join the Jury at this two-day trial SPEAKERS INCLUDE: Shirley Harrison (author of the Diary of Jack the Ripper) David Canter (Professor Investigative Psychology Liverpool University) of at SATURDAY & SUNDAY 19th & 20th MAY, 2007 Starts 10-00am Venue: Liverpool Cricket & Sporting Club, Aigburth, Liverpool – in the shadow of Battlecrease House, the former home of James and Florence Maybrick. TICKETS: £38 (Tickets from Chris Jones) Bill Rubinstein (Professor of History at University of Wales, Aberystwyth) Paul Begg (Author of numerous books on Jack the Ripper and Editor of the Ripperologist) Keith Skinner (Co-author of The Ripper Diary: the Inside Story) Donald Rumbelow (author of The Complete Jack the Ripper) Vincent Burke (true crime expert, Radio Merseyside INDEPENDENT LIVING AIDS for the ELDERLY & LESS ABLE Suppliers of a wide range of wheelchairs, scooters, adjustable beds & other products BULLEN 3-11 Moss Street, Liverpool, L6 1EY Free Phone: 0800 592 586 Website: www.bullens.com FIXTURES 2006-07 DATE 26/27-Aug 1ST XV COLNE AND NELSON VENUE HOME GAME CUP 2ND XV VENUE GAME 3RD XV VENUE 09-Sep-06 MOSSLEY HILL AWAY LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE MOSSLEY HILL PARKONIANS PRENTON DOUGLAS ELLESMERE PORT ANSELMIANS HOME HOME AWAY AWAY AWAY HOME HOME LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE FRIENDLY LEAGUE FRIENDLY LEAGUE LEAGUE FRIENDLY LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE FRIENDLY CREWE + NANT 4 AWAY 16-Sep-06 NEWTON LE WILLOWS HOME 23-Sep-06 PARKONIANS 30-Sep-06 PRENTON 07-Oct-06 DOUGLAS 14-Oct-06 ELLESMERE PORT 21-Oct-06 HALTON 28-Oct-06 SEFTON 04-Nov-06 HOLMES CHAPEL 11-Nov-06 SOUTHPORT 18-Nov-06 25-Nov-06 MARPLE 02-Dec-06 MOORE 09-Dec-06 MERSEYSIDE POLICE 16-Dec-06 SOUTHPORT 23-Dec-06 30-Dec-06 06-Jan-07 HOLMES CHAPEL 13-Jan-07 HALTON 20-Jan-07 HOYLAKE 2 27-Jan-07 ELLESMERE PORT 03-Feb-07 DOUGLAS 10-Feb-07 SEFTON 17-Feb-07 PRENTON 24-Feb-07 PARKONIANS AWAY HOME HOME AWAY HOME AWAY AWAY HOME HOME HOME HOME HOME AWAY HOME AWAY HOME AWAY AWAY HOME AWAY CONGLETON HOME FRIENDLY SEFTON LEAGUE LEAGUE B'HEAD PARK 4 HOME B'HEAD PARK 3RD AWAY OLDERSHAW LIVERPOOL VETS AWAY HOME HOME AWAY AWAY HOME LEAGUE LEAGUE WALLASEY LIVERPOOL VETS FRIENDLY ST. MARY'S OB LEAGUE OLDERSHAW LEAGUE LEAGUE PRENTON OLDERSHAW AWAY AWAY AWAY HOME HOME AWAY HOME AWAY FRIENDLY FRIENDLY FRIENDLY LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE MERSEYSIDE POLICE 2 AWAY ELLESMERE PORT AWAY MERSEYSIDE POLICE 2 HOME FRIENDLY ANSELMIANS LEAGUE LEAGUE ELLESMERE PORT ST. MARY'S OB FRIENDLY SEFTON LEAGUE LEAGUE LEAGUE PRENTON PARKONIANS CREWE + NANT 4 HOME B'HEAD PARK 4 AWAY CONGLETON AWAY 03-Mar-07 NEWTON LE WILLOWS AWAY 10-Mar-07 17-Mar-07 MOSSLEY HILL 24-Mar-07 HOYLAKE 2 31-Mar-07 MOORE 07-Apr-07 14-Apr-07 MARPLE AWAY HOME AWAY AWAY B'HEAD PARK 3RD HOME LEAGUE MOSSLEY HILL AWAY AWAY LEAGUE FRIENDLY FRIENDLY ANSELMIANS LEAGUE LEAGUE WALLASEY AWAY LEAGUE