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Jokes 1 - Download Now DOC by keara

VIEWS: 65 PAGES: 87

									Jokes
1 - 100

Collected by Barry

Jokes 1-100
Contents
1. Bank manager ..................................................................................................................5 2. Chinese doctor .................................................................................................................7 3. Rudolph ............................................................................................................................7 4. Eve ...................................................................................................................................8 5. Accident ...........................................................................................................................8 6. Engineers..........................................................................................................................9 7. Physicists ........................................................................................................................10 8. Spooky ...........................................................................................................................11 9. Maths..............................................................................................................................12 10. Staff appraisal ..............................................................................................................12 11. Roommate ....................................................................................................................13 12. Sherlock Holmes ..........................................................................................................14 13. Overworked..................................................................................................................14 14. Specialist doctors .........................................................................................................14 15. Desert island.................................................................................................................15 16. Morals of stories ..........................................................................................................17 17. Jonah ............................................................................................................................18 18. More on engineers ........................................................................................................18 19. Body parts ....................................................................................................................22 20. Old age .........................................................................................................................22 21. English .........................................................................................................................23 22. Boy at beach .................................................................................................................24 23. Telemarketers ...............................................................................................................24 24. Lipstick.........................................................................................................................25 25. Engineers‟ heaven ........................................................................................................26 26. Defrocked .....................................................................................................................26 27. Built-in orderly organized knowledge..........................................................................26 28. Lawyers ........................................................................................................................27 29. Puns and shaggy dogs ..................................................................................................28 30. Letter to mum ...............................................................................................................29 31. Beyond Viagra .............................................................................................................30 32. Heavenly Gates ............................................................................................................31 33. Deadline .......................................................................................................................32 34. Y2K ..............................................................................................................................33 35. Frog ..............................................................................................................................34 36. What to do with hotel soap ..........................................................................................35 37. Little pig .......................................................................................................................37 38. Mary Poppins ...............................................................................................................38 39. Little Red Riding Hood ................................................................................................38 40. Rene Descartes .............................................................................................................41 41. Christmas aviation .......................................................................................................42 42. Christmas trees .............................................................................................................42

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43. Accident survivor .........................................................................................................43 44. Magic rat ......................................................................................................................43 45. Why did the chicken cross the road? ...........................................................................44 46. Notice of Revocation of Independence ........................................................................46 47. Microsoft Star Trek ......................................................................................................47 48. Dilbert‟s wisdom ..........................................................................................................50 49. Young? .........................................................................................................................51 50. Tattslotto ......................................................................................................................52 51. Clocks ..........................................................................................................................53 52. Hospital insurance ........................................................................................................53 53. Understanding New Zealanders ...................................................................................54 54. Metric conversions .......................................................................................................54 55. Fly Ansett .....................................................................................................................55 56. Room service ...............................................................................................................55 57. Physics made hard ........................................................................................................56 58. Roman Space Shuttle ...................................................................................................57 59. In the desert ..................................................................................................................58 60. Sheep ............................................................................................................................59 61. Monkeys .......................................................................................................................60 62. Insurance ......................................................................................................................61 63. Strongman ....................................................................................................................61 64. Government contracting dictionary..............................................................................61 65. Cookies ........................................................................................................................62 66. Countdown ...................................................................................................................63 67. Turpentine ....................................................................................................................63 68. Veterinarian..................................................................................................................63 69. IT guys .........................................................................................................................64 70. Surgery .........................................................................................................................65 71. Little bird......................................................................................................................65 72. Matzoh Balls ................................................................................................................66 73. English cricket..............................................................................................................66 74. New words ...................................................................................................................67 75. Tech Support ................................................................................................................67 76. One night stand ............................................................................................................69 77. Therapy ........................................................................................................................69 78. Tomatoes ......................................................................................................................70 79. Knock, knock ...............................................................................................................71 80. Gravy............................................................................................................................71 81. Oil drilling ....................................................................................................................72 82. Mottoes ........................................................................................................................73 83. Oxymorons ...................................................................................................................74 84. More shaggy dogs ........................................................................................................75 85. Five more shaggy dogs .................................................................................................75 86. Some flying rules .........................................................................................................76 87. Samurai ........................................................................................................................77

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88. The cycle of life ...........................................................................................................78 89. Mathematicians ............................................................................................................78 90. Golfer & caddy.............................................................................................................78 91. The farmer‟s wife .........................................................................................................79 92. God‟s Law ....................................................................................................................80 93. Marriage .......................................................................................................................81 94. Great female comebacks ..............................................................................................82 95. The lawyer takes a wife................................................................................................83 96. Meanings of words .......................................................................................................84 97. Old man ........................................................................................................................85 98. Two blondes better than one ........................................................................................85 99. Kids in boots ................................................................................................................86 100. Aunt Karen .................................................................................................................86

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1. Bank manager
Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

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In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing repayment 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received; 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received; 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received. 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: “Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for “ After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

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First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Best Wishes, Your humble client

2. Chinese doctor
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.” The woman did as she was told. “Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.” So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.” Confused, the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?” Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, “Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

3. Rudolph
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it's raining,” he said to his wife. “No, that felt more like snow to me,”, she replied. “No, I'm sure it was just rain,” he said. …Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. “Let's not fight about it,” the man said, “Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” “It's raining, of course,” he replied, and walked on.

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But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

4. Eve
Recently released under the freedom of information act, a stone tablet describing what really happened :From the original book of Genesis, Chapter 2, Verse 18:Eve calls out to God. . . “Lord, I have a problem!” “What's the problem, Eve ?” “Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy” “Why is that, Eve?”came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely, …and I‟m sick to death of bloomin‟ apples!” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What's a 'man', Lord?” “A man is a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego, and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and hitting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What's the catch, Lord?” “Yeah, well, …you can have him on one condition.” “What's that, Lord?” “You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

5. Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live

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together in peace for the rest of our days.” Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren't you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I'll just wait for the police...”

6. Engineers
A man was flying a hot air balloon and realised he was lost. He reduced height and spotted a man down below. He lowered the balloon further and shouted, “Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. “ The man below said, “Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering 10 metres above this field. You are at 37 degrees 55 minutes S latitude, and 145 degrees W. longitude “. “You must be an engineer, “said the balloonist. “I am, “replied the man. “How did you know? “ “Well, “said the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. “ The man below said, “You must be a manager. “ “I am, “replied the balloonist, “but how did you know? “ “Well, “said the man below, “you don't know where you are, or where you are going, you have made a promise that you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault. “

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7. Physicists
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below. WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle, “It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenberg was never quite sure that his principle was correct.) ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Non-zero Chance That, Through a Process Know as “Tunneling, “This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Billion Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner

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Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a “Gluing “Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten- Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are “Rolled Up “into Such a Small “Area “That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

8. Spooky
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846 John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946 Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860 John F Kennedy was elected President in 1960 The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

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Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln‟s secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy‟s secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by southerners. Both were succeeded by southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Lincoln was shot at the theatre named “Kennedy “. Kennedy was shot in a car called a “Lincoln “. Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials. A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe. And if that wasn‟t spooky enough, neither Kennedy nor Lincoln was a chemical engineer.

9. Maths
When the Ark landed on Mount Ararat, Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply. Two snakes came up to Noah and said, “we can't multiply because we are adders. “Noah felled a tree, cut a log from it, split the log and put legs on the log to make a table. He put the snakes on the table, saying, “even adders can multiply on a log table. “

10. Staff appraisal
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob should be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.

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Regards, Project Leader KEEP READING Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following further memo from the Project Leader: Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment. Regards, Project Leader

11. Roommate
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates. “ About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you? “ John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure. “ So he sat down and wrote :Dear Mother, I'm not saying you “did “take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you “did not “take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Several days later, John received a letter form his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you “do “sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you “do not “sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now . Love, Mom

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12. Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see? “ Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars “ “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is allpowerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? “ Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent. “

13. Overworked
For a couple of months I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying. But.... I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 18 million. 8 million are retired. That leaves 10 million to do the work. There are 6 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work. Of this there are 1.5 million unemployed, leaving 2.5 million to do the work. Take from that 1,180,000 people who work for government departments and that leaves 1,320,000 people to do the work. 480,000 are in the armed forces, which leaves 840,000 to do the work. At any time, there are 179,000 people in hospitals, leaving 661,000 people to do the work. At the moment, there are 660,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

14. Specialist doctors
Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a paediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his
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shotgun, but then hesitated. “I'm not quite sure it's a duck, “he said, “I think that I will have to get a second opinion. “And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time the paediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. “I'll have to do some more investigations, “he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. “Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck? “The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. “Go see if that was a duck, will you? “

15. Desert island
An ambitious young consultant finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life-at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut milk, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from? How did you get here? “ “I rowed from the other side of the island, “she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank. “ “Amazing, “he said, “I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you. “ “It's only me, “she said, “and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did. “ He was confused, “Then how did you get the rowboat? “ “Oh, simple, “replied the woman. “I made it out of raw material that I found on the

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island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree. “ “But, but, that's impossible, “stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware-how did you manage? “ “Oh, that was no problem, “the woman said. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live? “ Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. “Well, let's row over to my place, then, “she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink? “ “No, no, thank you, “he said, still dazed. “I can't take any more coconut milk. “ “It's not coconut milk, “the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a pina colada? “Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom. “ No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing, “he mused. “What next? “ When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines -strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me, “she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know.... “

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She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: “You mean..., “he asked, “I can check my e-mail from here? “

16. Morals of stories
Lesson number one A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? “ The crow answered: “Sure, why not. “So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high

Lesson number two A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, “sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy. “ “Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? “replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients. “ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson number three When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions. “ The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go. “ The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money. “ And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole

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spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

17. Jonah
The All Blacks were playing England. After the half time whistle blew they found themselves 50 points to nil, Jonah Lomo scoring 8 tries on his own. The rest of the team decided to go down to the pub and told Jonah he was on his own. “No problems “Jonah told the captain, “I'll come down after the game and report back. “ After the game Jonah found the lads and they asked him what the final score was. He said “It ended up 95 points to 3 “ “What! “exclaimed the skipper, “How did you let them get 3 points? “ Jonah replied “I got sent off with 20 minutes to go! “

18. More on engineers
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word “engineer “is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, selfadjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail

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was a total moron. The correct answer is “C” but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes “It depends” in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on “Marketing.” SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. “Normal “people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation *Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to “normal “people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: *Get it over with as soon as possible. *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. LOVE OF “STAR TREK “ Engineers love all of the “Star Trek “television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the Starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

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DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. “I won't change anything without asking you first. “ “I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow. “ “I have to have new equipment to do my job. “ “I'm not jealous of your new computer. “ FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimisation, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash? “ POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a

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degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Examples of bad press for engineers: * Hindenberg. * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Leyland P76 The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: “It's technically possible but it will cost too much. “ EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex-- including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more

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work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: “I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems. “ At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

19. Body parts
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge: The brain said “I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. “ The eyes said “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. “ The hands said: “Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. “ The stomach said: “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. “ The legs said: “Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge. “ Then the rectum said: “I think I should be in charge. “ All the rest of the parts said: “YOU?! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we surely are! You can't be in charge. “ So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge. Just an Asshole.

20. Old age

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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent. “ The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. “ The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor, “she says, “I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly. “ The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.....! “

21. English
The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year „s‟ will be used instead of the soft „c‟. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard „c‟ will be replaced with „k‟. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome „ph‟ will be replaced by „f‟. This will make words like „fotograf‟ 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent „e‟s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing „th‟ by „z‟ and „w‟ by „v‟. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary „o‟ kan be dropd from vords kontaining „ou‟, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Zen, ve vil simplify ze gramar, putting ze verb to ze end of sentenses, zo ezy to lern. After zis fifz year, a reli sensibl riten styl ve vil hav. No mor trubls or difikultis zer vil be. Evrivun ezi tu understand ech ozer vil find it. Und ze drem finali kum tru vil!

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22. Boy at beach
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is. “ The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is. “ Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets. “

23. Telemarketers
Ten Responses to Use With Telemarketers: Once upon a time it was exciting to receive a call from a stockbroker in New York, or the Windsor Hotel or the National Geographic Society. These days you know it's just another telemarketer trying to sell you something you don't want and don't need. The polite ones you can handle, but now they have been trained to be really persistent and pushy. How do you cope? Here are a few suggestions. 1. If they want to lend you money, tell them you've just gone into liquidation and you could really use some money. 2. If they start out with, “How are you today? “say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died, and do you know what my son said to me......? “ 3. If they say they're John Smith from XYZ Corporation, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as

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necessary. 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: “Hello Mr Beatty, my name is Judy and I'm calling from the Windsor Hotel... “ You wait for a second: “What are you wearing? “ 5. Or, cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been? “This will give Judy a few moments of terror as she tries to figure out how she knows you. 6. Say “No “over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If AXA calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in a sinister voice: “I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend? “ 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? ....Can you get out goat blood? ....How about human blood? “ 9. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ....louder ....louder.... 10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask her if she will give you her home phone number so you can call back later. When she explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I s'pose you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right? “She'll agree and you say, “Same here! “ Hang up.

24. Lipstick
The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints. Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principal then asked the cleaner, who was present, to demonstrate. The cleaner took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror. From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

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25. Engineers’ heaven
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place. “ So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of discomfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how's it going down there in hell? “ Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. “ God replies, “What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here. “ Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him. “ God says, “Send him back up here or I'll sue. “ Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer? “

26. Defrocked
If clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

27. Built-in orderly organized knowledge
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device called BOOK. The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...
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Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque PaperTechnology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The “browse “feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index “feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional “BOOKmark “accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (Pencils). Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

28. Lawyers
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light globe? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

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What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? An anvil. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Why do they test new drugs on lawyers? There are some things a rat won‟t do. What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer points. Why did God create snakes just before lawyers? To practice.

29. Puns and shaggy dogs
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I'll just have the eggs benedict. “His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What's with the hubcap? “The waiter sings, “There‟s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise! “

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A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer? “The bartender replies, “For you, no charge. “ Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right? “ “No, I've lost, an electron! “ “Are you sure? “ “Yeah, I'm positive! “ Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist‟s novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why? “, they asked, as they moved off. “Because “, he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. “ A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn't a hazelnut daiquiris “. “No, I'm sorry, “replied the bartender, “it's a hickory daiquiri, doc. “ A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I‟m a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me? “The doctor replies: “It's very simple. You're two tents. “ A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.“ The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.“ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal. “

30. Letter to mum

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The bank manager's daughter had gone off to university in another state. It was her first time away from home. After some months, a letter finally arrived. It read... Dear Mum, Sorry about the long time it's taken me to write. Before I tell you about my news I should warn you - some of it may come as a shock. I'm writing this from hospital where my broken legs are healing well. Even though I'll never be able to play for Australia in netball again (because one leg will be permanently shorter than the other) the doctors say I'll be walking again in a couple of months. I was hit by a car while running away from the police after a little misunderstanding about some pills in my purse. Fortunately, the whole thing was witnessed by a passing pedestrian who has since visited me every day. His name is Keith and he's been an angel to me. Although he's unemployed, I'm sure you will grow to admire his many quaiities as I have done, because we're engaged to be married. We haven't set a date yet - we're not sure to have it before or after our baby is born. His pending court case is also causing us some uncertainty. I'm really glad that you've been so supportive of multi- culturalism because Keith is of both a different race and religion. That's why I'm sure you'll welcome him and his two brothers into our family. I'll need your help because the disease I caught off Keith might keep me low for a while. Now that I've got that out of the way I need to tell you there was no police chase and no accident. My legs are fine and there's no Keith, no brothers, no baby and no disease. However, it looks like I'm going to fail two subjects and just pass the other two and it's important that you keep things in perspective.

Your loving daughter....

31. Beyond Viagra
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.. DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

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PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and “little “accidents. COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a suddenly urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favourite store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides. FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra. PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors. “ LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

32. Heavenly Gates
Bill Gates dies and heads up to the pearly gates (no relation). Saint Peter meets him there and says, “Well, you've led an. interesting life, Bill. To be perfectly honest, we're not quite sure which place to send you. So we're going to let you decide. “ Gates swallows nervously and says, “okay “. St. Peter snaps his fingers and they are instantly transported to a sunny beach. There's beer and rock music and topless women playing volleyball. Gates says, “Hey, is this heaven? It's GREAT! “St. Peter says, “No,

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this is Hell. Let me show you what Heaven is like. “He snaps his fingers again and they are instantly transported to a serene city park. There's a soft breeze and birds are chirping and old people are sitting on benches feeding pigeons and playing chess. Gates says, “Well, this is. nice. But, given a choice, I guess I'll take Hell. “ St. Peter says, “You got it, “and snaps his fingers. Gates is instantly imbedded in molten lava where his skin is flayed off in unspeakable agony. All around him he can hear demonic laughter and the screams of the damned. He looks up and shouts,. “Hey, it wasn't like this! Where's the beach? Where's the babes? “ Saint Peter looks down from his Macintosh and says, “Sorry, Bill. That was the demo. “

33. Deadline
He had a year to do it in, So brushed the thought away; A chap with half his energy Might do it in a day. A year...? „Twas too ridiculous, As everyone should find; However, he would get it done, And have it off his mind. But not today. A few months hence Would suit him better still. Meanwhile, a far less irksome job Might occupy his skill. He would not let the matter pass Entirely from him ... no; And doubtless he might take it up, In...say...a month or so. He had six months to do it in, For six long months had flown, Well, why should that alarm a chap With vigour like his own? The job, whence once embarked upon Would soon be rattled through; However, he would think of it In ... say, a week or two. He had three months to do it in: “Oh bother, “was his cry,

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“This thing hangs on me like a weight Each day that passes by. Let‟s see ... three months ... ah. That‟s enough, But just to clear the doubt I‟ll make arrangements for a start, Before the month is out. “ He had a week to do it in, And care was in his glance: “It‟s hard, “he cried, “that flight of time Won‟t give a chap a chance! “ He still delayed; the swift week passed, As weeks will ever run, And though a year was given him, The task was still undone!

34. Y2K
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specialising in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, travelling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. In late 1999, Jack decided to contact a company that specialised in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles and after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting “I can't believe it! “and “It's a miracle “and “He's alive! “. There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came

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out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. “It is over? “he asked. “Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with? “ The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere. “That sounds terrific, “said Jack. “But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?” “Well, “said the Prime Minister. “The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL “.

35. Frog
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his nameplate that the teller's name is Paddy Whack. So he says, “Mr Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday. “ Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Paddy explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says “Sure, I have this “, and produces a tiny pink elephant, about a centimetre tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and says, “There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use

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this as collateral “. He holds up the tiny pink elephant, “I mean, what the heck is this ? “ The bank manager replies “It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone. “

36. What to do with hotel soap
Communications between guest and hotel staff: Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized cake of Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman, Room 635. Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which is according to my instructions from the management to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid Dear Maid I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps as we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty

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Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check- in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath- size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one darn bar of bath-

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size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet slightly used. On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman

37. Little pig
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the “Three Little Pigs “to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, “...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me, Sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house? “

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The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said? “ One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said 'Bloody hell! A talking pig!' “ The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

38. Mary Poppins
One stormy day, Mary Poppins was walking down a dirt road. She became very tired from walking, and decided to rest at a nearby motel. As she walked inside, she put her umbrella on the umbrella rack, then asked the person behind the counter for a room. “Hello, I would like a room just for tonight, “Mary Poppins said to the man. “Well, you're just in luck because we have one room left, “he replied. Mary Poppins looked very pleased. After the man handed her the keys to the room, he then added, “Oh, by the way, would you like room service to bring you up something to eat? “ “Why, certainly, “Mary Poppins answered, “I would like some swiss cheese, eggs, and cauliflower, thank you very much. “ “Okay, we'll have it right up in a minute. “he said. So, Mary Poppins went up to her room, and as the man said, room service gave her eggs, cauliflower, and swiss cheese. The next day, as Mary Poppins was checking out of the motel, the man asked her how she enjoyed her meal. “Well, “she started, “The cauliflower was good, and so was the cheese, but the eggs weren't very tasty. “ “Well, over there we have the suggestion box. So, if you have anything to write down, then feel free to, “the man said in response. So, Mary Poppins walked over the suggestion box, wrote something down on a piece of paper, put it in, grabbed her umbrella, then left. The man was very curious as to what she wrote. So he walked over to the suggestion box, and looked at what she had written down. He read: SUPERCAULIFLOWERCHEESEBUTEGGSWEREQUITEATROCIOUS.

39. Little Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for

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cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother “, although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. “But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized workers who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods? “ Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union secretary and had a special compassionate mission exemption form. “But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this? “ Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free. “But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed? “ And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. “But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood? “ But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health “. Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

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Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out “of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models. On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity. “ The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone. “ Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way. “ Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch. “ The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I might see you. “ Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have! “ “You forget that I am optically challenged. “

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“And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have. “ “Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child. “ “And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have! “ The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. “Aren't you forgetting something? “Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy! “ The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe. “Hands off! “cried the woodchopper. “And what do you think you're doing? “cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower TER scores. “ “Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is a Fisheries and Wildlife operation! “screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. “Thank goodness you got here in time, “said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner. “ “No, I think I'm the real victim, here, “said the woodchopper. “I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin? “ The Wolf and the woodchopper interacted together in a really, really positive way. They empowered each other in an alternative, non-traditional relationship and lived forever after in an ongoing happiness type situation.

40. Rene Descartes
The philosopher Rene Descartes went into McDonalds and ordered a Big Mac. The cash register girl asked him: “Do you want fries with that? “

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The great man thought a moment and said: “I think not... “And he vanished.

41. Christmas aviation
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Civil Aviation Safety Administration. It was shortly before Christmas when the CASA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then, the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. “What's that for? “asked Santa incredulously. The examiner replied, “I'm not really supposed to tell you this, but we have to check out your problem solving skills, so you're going to have an engine failure on take-off. “

42. Christmas trees
It was supposed to be a happy time but it wasn't. Santa was really upset. It was Christmas eve and nothing was going right. Mrs Claus has burned all of the Christmas biscuits, the elves were whining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. “I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do? Just then the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: “Hey Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year??? And thus the charming tradition of angels perched atop the Christmas tree came to pass.

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43. Accident survivor
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along, delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of the passengers survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman.. There is no Santa Claus ... and no such thing as a perfect man.

44. Magic rat
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, “says the shop owner, “and an extra thousand for the story behind it. “ “At that price, you can keep the story, old man, “he replies, “but I'll take the bronze rat. “ The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars, all following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water‟s edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.

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Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah sir, you've come back for the story, “says the owner. “No, “says the tourist, “I was just hoping you had a bronze statue of a lawyer. “

45. Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise- wide value framework across the continuum of poultry crossmedian processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

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TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road. “And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? “ SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

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BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ... it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with the chicken.

46. Notice of Revocation of Independence
Ex Heather To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up “revocation “in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium “. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary “. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like “and “you know “is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed “. 2. There is no such thing as “US English “. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen “, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American “football “. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football “is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays

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“American “football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football “, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day “. 8. All American cars are hereby banned. It is for your own good and when we show you German cars you will understand what we mean. 9. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation.

47. Microsoft Star Trek
For readers who are not familiar with the characters of 'Star Trek, the Next Generation'… Lt.Worf is the Security Officer, Captain Picard is the Commanding Officer, Commander Riker is the Second in Command, Lt. LaForge is the Engineering Officer, Ensign Wesley Crusher is an Officer under training and Lt. Data is an android that has ambitions of becoming a human but is run by computer chips. Worf: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. Picard: On screen. (The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.) Picard: Data, what's wrong here? Data: Captain. the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution? Picard: Make it so. (The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the centre, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.) Picard: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans. Data: Aye, sir.

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(Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.) Worf: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain! Picard: Shields up! Data: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command. Picard: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is IMPORTANT! I want those shields up RIGHT NOW. Data: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command. LaForge: Allow me, Captain. (to Data) Control-Alt-Delete, Data. (Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.) Data: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communication channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans (LaForge pulls Data's left ear.) Picard: Shields... (There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back from the console.) Picard:... up, Data! Data: Aye, sir. Riker: All decks, damage report! Worf: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. (Data picks up the hourglass again. Places it on the console and punches some buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.)

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Data: Shield now up, Captain. Picard: Not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on to the lead Romulan ship. Worf: Aye, sir. (He punches some buttons on the console.) Picard: Mr Data, take the helm and prepare for evasive action. Data: I am sorry sir, but I do not have the correct device driver for that console. Picard: Well. Damn it. Install the right one. Data: Please insert Set-up Implant #1 in my right nostril. Picard: Number one, where do we keep Data's Set-up implant Riker: I left them with Geordi. LaForge: (In a surprised voice) What!!? I thought you still had them! Picard: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in you internal memory? Data: Not found sir. Please insert Set-up Implant #1 in my right nostril. Picard: I DON'T HAVE Set-up Implant #1. Data: Not reading right nostril. Abort! Retry! Fail! Picard: Abort! Data: Not reading right nostril. Abort! Retry! Fail! Picard: Well, fail, then! Data: Current nose is no longer valid. (Data walks over to the helm, presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen and a high pitched voice is heard from somewhere else in the ship.) LaForge: Data, what the hell are you doing? Picard: Number one, do we have a customer number for Data? Riker: Yes sir, but the last time I tried to call them I got put on hold for two hours before I

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was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialised in industrial robots. (Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whine to a halt. After a few seconds, the emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console absolutely motionless.) Picard: What is going on? LaForge: (Checking the helm console) Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core. Picard: These Androids look really sharp, but you can't really do any thing with them. (The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialise on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.) Ferengi: (With a mercenary grin) Captain, can I interest you in a Macintosh?

48. Dilbert’s wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 4. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 5. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 6. Just accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 7. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 8. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 9. My Reality Check bounced. 10.On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

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11.I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 12.Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

49. Young?
Ex Liz Efinger So you think you are young? Each year staff at Macquarie University in Sydney puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of the new year's incoming students. Here is the 2001 list: The people who are starting university this year across the nation were born in 1982. They have no meaningful recollection of the Whitlam Era and probably did not know he had ever been sacked. They might even not know who he is or was. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has been only one Pope. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. Atari predates them as do vinyl albums. The expression “you sound like a broken record “means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 45 cents. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 4 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been VCRs but they have no idea what BETA is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year that Walkmans were introduced by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. Brian Henderson has always read the channel nine news. They have no idea when or why flares were cool or maybe even what

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they were. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Ian or Greg Chappell play. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Boer War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is. The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was. Michael Jackson has always been white. McDonald‟s never came in Styrofoam containers. There has always been MTV. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

50. Tattslotto
Cohen pleaded with God. “Give me a break, God. Let me win Tattslotto. “ For day after day, week after week, month after month, Cohen was on his knees begging. “God - if you are really there, let me win Tattslotto! “ The pleading went on for years until one night, just as Cohen was getting really wound up into his maximum pleading mode, there was a flash of lightning, a roll of thunder and a great, booming voice: “COHEN! “ “Is that you Lord? “squeaked Cohen. “IT IS. AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR PLEADING FOR ME TO SET UP TATTSLOTTO SO THAT YOU WIN IT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? “ “Yes Lord. “ “COHEN - IF YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT YOU'VE GOT TO MEET ME HALF WAY. “ “How's that Lord? “ “COHEN! BUY A TICKET! “

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51. Clocks
Ex Liz Efinger A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says “I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around? “The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room, the library, the observatory, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room filled with clocks. The guy asks, “What's up with all these clocks? “St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged. “ The guy thinks this makes sense but notices some of the clocks are running faster than others. He asks why this is? St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock. “ This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before he leaves and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What's the story with that clock? “ “Oh, that, “St. Peter replies, “That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan. “

52. Hospital insurance
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. “Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine, “the nun said while patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance? “ “No, I'm not, “the man whispered hoarsely. “Can you pay in cash? “ “I'm afraid I can't, Sister. “ “Do you have any close relatives, then? “ “Just my sister in Queensland, “he replied, “but she's a spinster nun. “ “Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith, “the nun replied. “They are married to Christ. “

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“Okay, “the man said with a smile, “then bill my brother-in-law. “

53. Understanding New Zealanders
What you hear and what it really means: BETTING: “Betting Gloves “are worn by betsmen in crucket. BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the “nick “and the “billy “ BUGGER: As in “mine is bugger than yours “. CHULLY BUN: Chilly Bin, also known as an Esky COME YOUSE: Former Australian Cricket Captain aka Kimberley John Hughes. DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy. ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like “Surria “, “E-Jupp “and “Libernon “. EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves. SENDLES: Thongs, open shoes COLOUR: Terminator, murderer. CUSS: Kiss DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males. PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse which was actually christened “PHILLIP “. ERROR ROUTE: As in “Arnott‟s mulk error route buskets “. FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with “rugger tony “

54. Metric conversions
1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone 1,000,000 bicycles = 1 megacycle 500 millinaries = 1 seminary 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 0.000001 fish = 1 microfiche 1,000,000,000,000 pins = 1 terrapin 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 picolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost 10 monologues = 5 dialogues 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

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2 snake eyes = 1 paradise 2 wharves = 1 paradox

55. Fly Ansett
Ex Tim It has been reported that an employee of Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of Gay, got on a plane recently using the company‟s free flight offer for staff. However, when Mr Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a fare-paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr Gay, another Ansett flight at the airport was experiencing mechanical problems. The passengers on this flight were being re-routed to various other planes. A few were put on Mr Gay‟s flight and anyone holding a free ticket was being bumped. Ansett officials armed with a list of free ticket holders boarded the plane, as is the practice, to remove them in favour of farepaying passengers. Of course, our Mr Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat, as you may remember. So, when the ticket agent approached the seat where Mr Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled passenger, “Are you Gay? “The man shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded, “Then you have to get off the plane “. Mr Gay, overhearing what the agent had said, tried to clear up the situation. “You‟ve got the wrong man, I‟m Gay! “This caused an angry third passenger to yell “Hell! I‟m gay too! They can‟t kick us all off! “Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett had no right to remove gays from their flights. It is reported that Ansett has refused to comment on the incident.

56. Room service
Ex Paul A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service: “Morny. Ruin sorbees “ Guest : “Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service “ RS: “Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?? “ G : “Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs “ RS: “Ow July den? “

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G : “What?? “ RS: “Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch? “ G : “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please. “ RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem...crease? “ G : “Crisp will be fine “ RS: “Hokay. An San tos? “ G : “What? “ RS: “San tos. July San tos? “ G : “I don't think so “ RS: “No? Judo one toes?? “ G : “I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means. “ RS: “Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother? “ G: “English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine. “ RS: “We bother? “ G : “No..just put the bother on the side. “ RS: “Wad? “ G : “I mean butter...just put it on the side. “ RS: “Copy? “ G : “Sorry? “ RS: “Copy...tea...mill? “ G : “Yes. Coffee please, and that's all. “ RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye?? “ G : “Whatever you say “ RS: “Tendjewberrymud “ G : “You're welcome “

57. Physics made hard
Physics exam question: “Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer. “ One enterprising student replied: “You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building. “This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

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For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: “Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =1/2gt squared. But bad luck for the barometer. “ “Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper. “ “But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force: T =2 pi sqr root of l over g. “ “Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up. “ “If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building. “ “But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper.' “ The arbiter re-graded the student with an A.

58. Roman Space Shuttle
When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is 4 feet 8.5 inches, which is the US standard railroad gauge.

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That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the standard gauge that was used in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railrway tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did the tramways use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in England were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Why did Imperial Rome use that wheel spacing? Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses which was 4 feet 8.5 inches. So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of an Imperial Roman horse's rear end! Endnote: It has been pointed out that 4 feet 8.5 inches is not wide enough to accommodate two horses‟ backsides. However, from old documents it appears that Roman chariots were definitely twin-engined. It seems that the Romans recognised the value of properly designed thrust lines. The wheels on their chariots were set to be in line with the centres of thrust, ie the 4 feet 8.5 inches of today‟s railways is actually based on the centre-to-centre distance between two Roman horses‟ bums!

59. In the desert
There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, and see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that

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it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall and cry to the stallholder, “Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us, do you have any sustenance for us? “The stallholder shook his head and replied “I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a lots of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. “ The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, “Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water. “ The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed “Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. I cannot help you.. “ The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, “Look mate, “(cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) “we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us? “ The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, “Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration. “ The legionnaires were really worried at this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, “That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. “The other faced his companion and said: “Yes, if you ask me it was a trifle bazaar “

60. Sheep
Ex Liz Efinger

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A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: “If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one? “ The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers “sure! “The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturised printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: “you have here exactly 1586 sheep! “ “This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep, “says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee. Then he says: “If I can tell you what your business is, will you give me my sheep back? “ “Okay, why not “answers the young man. “You are a consultant, “says the shepherd. “This is correct, “says the yuppie, “How did you guess that? “ “Easy “answers the shepherd. “You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog. “

61. Monkeys
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. Another customer entered the shop and said to the shopkeeper, “I‟ll have a mechanical monkey, please. “ The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, “That will be $5,000 please. “The customer smiled, handed over the money and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist said to the shopkeeper, “That was an expensive monkey. Most of them only cost a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much? “ The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can do everything a mechanical engineer can do. Cleaver beast, well worth the money. “ The tourist looked at another monkey in the cage. “That one‟s even more expensive! $10,000! What on earth does it do? “

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“Oh, that one‟s a chemical monkey. It can do everything a chemical engineer can do. All the really useful stuff, “said the shopkeeper. “Actually it‟s a bargain at that price. “ The tourist looked around a bit more and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag on the cage read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than the others put together. What on earth does it do? “ The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven‟t actually seen it do anything, but it says it‟s a contractor. “

62. Insurance
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. “ “That's quite a coincidence, “said the engineer, “I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.” The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood? “he asked.

63. Strongman
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, wharfies, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I'd like to try the bet “After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what? “ The man replied “I work for the Australian Tax Office. “

64. Government contracting dictionary
Ex Heather
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CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven. PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union. CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control. WORKCOVER -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun. STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken. DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets. COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin. LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible. AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded. LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.

65. Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: There, spread out upon wax paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those, “she said, “they're for after the funeral. “

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66. Countdown
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterwards, the doctor comes out with the results. “I'm afraid I have some very bad news, “the doctor says. “You're dying, and you don't have much time left. “ “Oh, that's terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got? “ “Ten, “ the doctor says sadly. “Ten? “ the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?! “ “Nine... “

67. Turpentine
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a buck where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do? “ And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: “Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more! “

68. Veterinarian
A man runs into a veterinarian‟s office carrying his dog and screaming for help. The vet examines the still, limp body, and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

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The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body. He finally look at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. “ The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a big, black labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I am truly sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. “ The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, Thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, $650.00. “$650 to tell me my dog is dead? “exclaims the man. “Well “, the vet replies, “I would have charged you only $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.

69. IT guys
Ex Ross. Bike: Two IT guys were cycling across the park when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second IT guy replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” “ The second IT guy nodded approvingly, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you.” Mistresses: An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The IT guy said, “I like both.”

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The artist said “BOTH?” The IT guy replied “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”

70. Surgery
Ex TCE 9/11/00 Five surgeons were discussing their patients during coffee break. The first offered the opinion that accountants were the easiest to work on, because when they were opened up, everything was numbered and depreciation had already been taken into account. The second preferred librarians because everything is organised alphabetically and is in the correct place. The third said “I like to work on electricians because it is all colour coded inside. “ The fourth said that lawyers were his favourite clients. “They‟re spineless, gutless and it doesn‟t matter if you invert the plumbing because they talk through their backsides anyway. “ The fifth surgeon preferred engineers, “They always understand when you have a few parts left over … “

71. Little bird
ex FAWG A little bird was flying north for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began singing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. The cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him ! The morals of this story are: 1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy; 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; 3. And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

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72. Matzoh Balls
Ex MelbPC general newsgroup George W. said to an aide. “I gotta see what all this Jewish stuff is about. “So off they went to a kosher restaurant. The first course was set in front of them: Matzoh ball soup. George W. was grossed out and hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the aide said, “Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it. “George W. dug in, spooning up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup, and quickly finishing off the entire bowl and all of the matzoh ball. “That was delicious, “George W. said. “Do they eat any other parts of the matzoh, or just the balls?

73. English cricket
Ex Ewen Q. What do you call an Englishman with a 100 next to his name? A. A bowler. Q. What is the height of optimism? A. An English batsman applying sunscreen. Q. What does Alan Mullally put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket? A. A bat. Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick? A. Three runs in three balls. Q. What was the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen? A. The walk back to the pavilion. Q. Who has the easiest job in the English team? A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussain, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor, Alan Mullally, the Hollioakes, Mark Alleyne and Graeme Hick have over the rest of their team-mates? A. At least they can say they're not really English. Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler in England? A. Because he was born in England. Q. What does “Ashes” stand for? A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

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Q. What's the English version of LBW? A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped. Q. Who spent the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team? A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

74. New words
Ex MelbPC general newsgroup 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilise the lolly you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre or aeroplane. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he/she finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the “open here “spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only 20 centimetres away.

75. Tech Support
Ex MelbPC general newsgroup

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Dear Tech Support: Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!! Sincerely, Frustrated User Dear Frustrated User: This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. TECH TIP! Do not attempt to modify software yourself ! Husband 1.0 may default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly ! Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother In Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating

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system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. If all else fails delete Husband 1.0 and upgrade to Husband 2.0 before the Wife 1.0 program is upgraded to Wife 2.0. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy the new product! Tech Support

76. One night stand
Ex Liz Jack decided to go skiing with his mate Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed south. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. She was a bit reluctant to help. “I'm recently widowed,” she explained, “and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Not to worry,” Jack said, “we'll be happy to sleep in the shed.” Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's lawyer. He called up his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?” “Yes, I do.” “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?” “Yes, I have to admit that I did.” “Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?” Bob's face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I'm afraid I did.” “Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

77. Therapy
Ex Heather

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A couple, both aged 76, went to a doctor‟s rooms. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There‟s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old man said, “We‟re not trying to find out anything. She‟s married and we can‟t go to her house, I‟m married and we can‟t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hyatt charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

78. Tomatoes
Ex Liz and Paul An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, “You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day.” Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that really means that you virtually don‟t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.” Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a ute. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don‟t even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had

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been connected from the very start!” After a moment‟s silence, the tomato millionaire replied, “Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!” Morals of the story: 1. Computers, the internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2. If you don‟t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you‟re probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you‟re already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft

79. Knock, knock
Ex Liz George W Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to in order to sneak into Heaven under false pretences. Can you prove who you really are?” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his general theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really 'are' Einstein! Welcome to heaven!” The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!” The last to arrive is George W Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?” George W looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?” Saint Peter sighed, “Come on in, George.”

80. Gravy
Ex TCE 14/12/00

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IN THIS day and, indeed, age of eco-awareness, and at the time of year usually reserved for consuming twice as much as is advisable, it is pleasing to see that at least one scientist has taken a long, hard look at the waste in our society and has said “no.” Or at least “perhaps not.” Len Fisher is a physicist who first became known at Residue Towers as the man responsible for a study into the most effective method of dunking biscuits into tea. Now he‟s back, having calculated a gravy absorption index and a set of rules to control your Gravox budget. Dr Fisher and his team at Bristol University claim that over 150,000 gallons of gravy are wasted every Sunday, prompting Gravox itself to commission the study. And thanks to them, you too can fulfil that life-long dream of calculating the rate at which a certain food absorbs gravy after cooking, using the revelatory formula: % gravy uptake = (W - (D/S))/D x 100 where W is uncooked food weight, D is the dry or cooked weight, and S is the shrinkage factor. Now, while the last thing we want is for the more traditional males amongst us to question the gravy absorption index of everything on their plate (which they expect to be on the table when they get home), we believe this formula to be vital to the spirit of Christmas, and encourage readers to follow the guidelines set out by Dr Fisher and his colleagues: 1. Put roast potatoes soggy side down on the plate, as this renders them 30% more porous. 2. Use hot gravy; it accelerates absorption times by 20%. 3. Eat the meat first, as this does not absorb gravy at all. 4. Then eat the sprouts, peas and beans; these absorb 15% of their dry weight in 30 seconds. 5. Yorkshire puddings (90%) and roast potatoes (30%) should be eaten last; they take five and ten minutes respectively to absorb gravy. The impact of this research on the global community cannot be underestimated. A recent UN conference was held in Europe to ratify an international agreement to reduce gravy wastage by 5% by the year 2015. However, the talks have stalled because the Americans believe the conditions to be unfair, saying that they have to celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving. Efforts to trade cuts with non-gravy using countries have not impressed their European counterparts. More on this story as it breaks.

81. Oil drilling
Ex TCE 19/10/00 The story was that Texaco was drilling for oil at a place called Lake Peignuir in

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Louisiana, USA. At a depth of about 1250 feet the bit got stuck; not particularly unusual, and was pulled free. But then strange things started to happen. As the bit was freed, it began to jump downwards and, with 40 tonnes pushing on it, the rig began to list. The decision was quickly taken to abandon the platform until the situation stabilised. Meanwhile, 1300 feet underground, a group of 50 workers in a salt mine became aware of a sudden inrush of water. They also abandoned their jobs and escaped as the mine rapidly filled with water. On the surface, a whirlpool began to develop, pulling in barges and a tug, and causing subsidence to 20 ha of a local tourist attraction known as the Rip van Winkle Live Oak Gardens. After about seven hours, the entire lake, shallow but measuring 2 x 3 km in area, had drained into the salt mine below. The channel connecting the lake to the sea then began to flow in reverse, creating a current estimated at 20 knots (almost 40 km/h) flowing in over a newly-created waterfall. Shrimp boats working the coastal margins were sucked into this current and were only saved by beaching their boats on mud flats. Down below, the mine had completely flooded, causing the remaining air trapped at the shaft top to become pressurised. Until the shaft top blew off, that is. This event created a geyser said to have reached 400 feet to erupt for 20 minutes. All this, according to the story, took place 20 years ago in 1980. Of course, engineering has improved a lot since then and it couldn‟t happen now...

82. Mottoes
Ex TCE 5/10/00 1: If you‟re too open minded, your brains will fall out 2: Age is a very high price to pay for maturity 3: Before you criticise someone, walk a kilometre in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they‟ll be a kilometre away- and barefoot 4: Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity 5: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory 6: A closed mouth gathers no feet 7: If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you‟ve never tried before 8: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission 9: For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme 10:Eat well, stay fit, die anyway

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83. Oxymorons
Top 45 Oxymorons: 45. Act naturally 44. Found missing 43. Resident alien 42. Advanced BASIC 41. Genuine imitation 40. Airline food 39. Good grief 38. Same difference 37. Almost exactly 36. Government organization 35. Sanitary landfill 34. Alone together 33. Legally drunk 32. Silent scream 31. Living dead 30. Small crowd 29. Business ethics 28. Soft rock 27. Butt Head 26. Military Intelligence 25. Software documentation 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. “Now, then ... “ 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 9. Political science 8. Tight slacks 7. Definite maybe 6. Pretty ugly 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

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4. Diet ice cream 3. Working vacation 2. Exact estimate 1. Microsoft Works

84. More shaggy dogs
Ex Terry Lane website http://users.bigpond.net.au/terrylane/tweek.html 1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.” 3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 4) A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal witch doctor who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the witch doctor looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?” 5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers travelling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”

85. Five more shaggy dogs
Ex Terry Lane website http://users.bigpond.net.au/terrylane/tweek.html 6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.” 7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to

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the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.” 8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.” 9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

86. Some flying rules
Ex Paul 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10.You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11.The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 12.Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13.Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

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14.Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made. 15.There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 16.You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17.Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18.If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19.In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20.Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21.It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22.Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 23.Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 24.The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

87. Samurai
Ex Heather Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: “Hieee, that is impressive! “ The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh,Whoosh! went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 small pieces. The emperor exclaimed: “Hieeee, that is really VERY impressive! “ The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

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The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: “Awww, after all of that, why is the gnat not dead? “ The Jewish Samurai smiled. “Well, my Emperor “he replied, “circumcision is not meant to kill. “

88. The cycle of life
Ex Liz At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is... having friends. At age 16, success is... having a driver's license. At age 20, success is... having sex. At age 35, success is... having money. At age 50, success is... having money. At age 60, success is... having sex. At age 70, success is... having a driver's license. At age 75, success is... having friends. At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

89. Mathematicians
Ex “Fermat’s Last Theorem “, S Singh An astronomer a physicist and a mathematician were travelling by train in Scotland. Glancing out the window they observed a lone black sheep in the middle of a field. “How interesting”, observed the astronomer, “all Scottish sheep are black.” To which the physicist responded, “No! No! Some Scottish sheep are black.” The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication and then intoned, “In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black!”

90. Golfer & caddy
Ex Paul Golfer: “I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. “ Caddy: “I don't think you could keep your head down that long. “ Golfer: “I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course, “ Caddy: “Try heaven, “advised the caddie. “You've already moved most of the earth. “ Golfer: “This is the worst golf course I've ever played on! “
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Caddy: “This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago! “ Golfer: “Well Caddy, How do you like my game? “ Caddy: “Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf. “ Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: “I didn't realize you had played before,Sir. “ Golfer: “Caddy, Do you think my game is improving? “ Caddy: “Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to. “ Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting! “ Caddy: “This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass! “ Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? “ Caddy: “The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week! “ Golfer: “This golf is a funny game. “ Caddy: “It's not supposed to be. “ Judge: “Do you understand the nature of an oath? “ Boy: “Do I? I'm your caddie, remember! “ Golfer: “That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old. “ Caddy: “It's a long time since we started, sir. “ Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron? “ Caddy: “Eventually. “ Golfer: “You've got to be the worst caddy in the world! “he screamed. “ Caddy: “I doubt it, “replied the caddy. “That would-be too much of a coincidence “

91. The farmer’s wife
Ex Liz There once was a successful farmer who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the farm and make a go of it, but she knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot

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about farming. For weeks the two of them worked, and the farm was doing really well. Then one day the farmer's wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The farm looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I suggest you should do the same.” The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The farmer's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The farmer's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over to her. “Now I'm the boss,” she said, “and you have to do what I tell you, right?” “Well... yes,” he answered. “Then unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. He did as she asked. “Now take off my boots.” He did. “Now take off my socks.” He did. “Now take off my skirt.” He did. “Now take off my bra.” Again he did as she asked. “Now take off my panties.” And again he did what she told him. Then she looked at him and said, “Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again.”

92. God’s Law
Ex Jude Laura Schlessinger is a Jewish radio person who dispenses advise to callers. She recently said that as a practising orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. The following is an open letter to her from a US resident. Dear Dr Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God‟s law. I have learned a great deal from your show and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However, I do need advice from you regarding some other specific laws and how to follow them. a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbours‟ attitude. They claim the odour is not

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pleasing to them. Should I smite them? b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus (Ex 21:7). In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman when she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15: 19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence! d) Lev 25: 44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can‟t I own a Canadian? e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obliged to kill him myself? f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev 11: 10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don‟t agree. Can you settle this? g) Lev 21: 20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some room to manoeuvre here? h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19: 27. How should they die? i) I know from Lev 11: 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play gridiron if I wear gloves? j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19: 19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev 24: 10-16)? Couldn‟t we just burn them to death at a private affair as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev 20: 14)? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God‟s word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple,

93. Marriage
Ex Jude

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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches what they do with the money. The first has a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup and buys several new outfits. She dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this in order to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new software and RAM for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000 that she started with. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and he married the one with the largest breasts.

94. Great female comebacks
Ex Liz Man: “Haven't we met before? “ Woman: “Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic. “ Man: “Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: “Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. “ Man: “Is this seat empty? “ Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. “ Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ? “ Woman: “Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? “ Man: “Your place or mine? “ Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. “ Man: “I'd like to call you. What's your number? “ Woman: “It's in the phone book. “ Man: “But I don't know your name. “

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Woman: “That's in the phone book too. “ Man: “So what do you do for a living? “ Woman: “I'm a female impersonator. “ Man: “Hey, baby, what's your sign? “ Woman: “Do not Enter “ Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning? “ Woman: “Unfertilized! “ Man: “I know how to please a woman. “ Woman: “Then please leave me alone. “ Man: “I want to give myself to you. “ Woman: “Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. “ Man: “If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. “ Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you. “ Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there? “

95. The lawyer takes a wife
Ex Terry Lane website A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin. “ “What? “said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you've been married ten times? “ “Well, Husband No 1 was a Sales Representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered. Husband No 2 was in Software Services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband No 3 was from Field Services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband No 4 was in Telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband No 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art system.

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Husband No 6 was from Management, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband No 7 was in Marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband No 8 was a psychiatrist, all he ever did was talk about it. Husband No 9 was a gynaecologist, all he ever did was look at it. Husband No 10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... Gosh! I MISS HIM!!!! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited! “ “Good, “said the lawyer, “but, why? “ “Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed! “

96. Meanings of words
Ex Terry Lane website Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Bustard (n.), a very rude Metbus driver. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

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Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

97. Old man
Ex http://dailey1.tripod.com/jokes.html A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn't help noticing how happy you look, “she said. “What's your secret for a long happy life? “ “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, “he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise. “ “That's amazing, “said the woman, “how old are you? “ “Twenty-six, “he said.

98. Two blondes better than one
Ex http://dailey1.tripod.com/jokes.htmlII and Liz A blond was driving home on the freeway after work when she was hit by a hail storm that left her car completely dented all over. She decided to go to a body shop and asked the owner how much he would charge to remove the dents. Seeing that she was a blond, he winked at his partner, and told her it wouldn't cost anything if she followed his instructions carefully. She drove home and when her blond roommate came out of the house she found her friend sitting on the ground at the back of the car blowing really hard in the exhaust pipe.

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“What on earth are you doing “she asked. Her friend looking up with big smile and a black ring around her mouth said “The man at the body shop told me that I could save a lot of money on repair work if I blew really hard into the tail pipe. he said that all the dents would pop out “ “Daaahhh “said her friend, “first you have to wind up all the windows!!! “

99. Kids in boots
Ex http://dailey1.tripod.com/jokes.html Did you hear about the teacher who, one winter, was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. After a time, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they're on the wrong feet. “ She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren't my boots. “ She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn't you say so sooner? “ as she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, “They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear them.” She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens? “ He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots... “ Ever have one of those days?

100. Aunt Karen
Ex http://dailey1.tripod.com/jokes.html The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, “My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump

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in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess” “And what's the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don't put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher, “Now, Lucy?” “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral of this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched.” “That was a fine story Lucy.” “Johnny do you have a story to tell?” “Yes miss, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen is in the Air Force and was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of scotch, a machine gun and a bayonet” “She drank the scotch on the way down so it wouldn't break when she hit the ground and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the bayonet till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” “Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.”

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