NFL 2008 First Round QBs, Where Are They Now? By Mr. NFL Diagnostician
Just prior to the start of the NFL regular season, five recent first round draft choices were told they would not be starting on opening day…thereby paving the way for a future of clipboard holding and towel folding. Matt Leinert, USC sensation and hot-tub extraordinaire, was replaced by Kurt „the football virus that never dies” Warner. Kyle Boller, who can throw a football 200 miles on his knees but fails to hit a receiver in the flat 10 feet from him, was replaced by Troy Smith, the only quarterback in the NFL who cannot ride Six Flags‟ Batwing due to height restrictions. Alex Smith, who received a league-wide sigh of relief when the 49ers took him with the first overall pick, was replaced by J.T. Sullivan, who would be stocking shelves at the Mini-Mart if not for his relationship with Mike Martz. Three first-round selections, all on their way to nomadsville, USA. Coincidence or a trend? To get to the bottom of this significant issue, Mr. NFL Diagnostician put down his television remote and picked up his laptop. What I found was immeasurable, much like the amount of smog ingested by athletes at the Chinese Olympics. From 2001-2006, there were 18 quarterbacks taken in the first round. Only four of the 18 (Ben Rothlisburger, Philip Rivers, Eli Manning, and Carson Palmer) are considered franchise quarterbacks. Another four (Vince Young, Jay Cutler, Aaron Rodgers, and Jason Campbell) are considered adequate starters. That leaves 55 percent who won‟t be donning a football helmet this coming Sunday. In fact, one former first-round pick won‟t be donning anything but his bright orange jumpsuit (Mike Vick), while another will be pitching balls in his own backyard (Patrick Ramsey). Then you have the guys who are on their third teams in less than five years (Byron Leftwich, David Carr, Joey Harrington) and the recently demoted (Rex Grossman and J.P. Losman) in favor of quarterbacks I wouldn‟t trust moving my lawn, let alone running my NFL franchise. Add in Leinert, Boller, and Smith and you have an eye-popping 10 recent first-rounders who collectively have as much value as Gus “where am I headed today?” Frerotte. Compare these first-round busts to the drafting position of the league‟s top quarterbacks. In last year‟s playoffs, half the starting quarterbacks were either second rounders or later (Matt Hasselback in the sixth, Brett Favre in the second, Tom Brady in the sixth, David Garrard in the fourth) or weren‟t even drafted at all (Jeff Garcia, Tony Romo). This list doesn‟t include 2007 sensation Derek Anderson (taken in the fifth) or two of the league‟s better veteran quarterbacks (Drew Brees in the second round and Marc Bulger in the seventh round). Want more fun facts? How about the fact that two of the three top-rated quarterbacks the past two years (Brady and Romo) would have never gotten on the field
if not for the ineptitude of a former first-rounder (Drew Bledsoe). (Word has it that Bledsoe is an icon of sorts in Las Vegas. Whenever he leaves a slot machine, the next person to play the machine hits the jackpot 57.20 percent of the time, which makes sense because 57.20 is also his all-time completion rate.) In sum, if your favorite NFL team chose a quarterback in the first round the past 8 years, and his name isn‟t Roethlisburger or Rivers, then odds are your season is over before the games even begin. Conversely, if your quarterback is not a former first rounder, then you‟re in good shape to make the playoffs. And finally, if you see Drew Brees hanging out at the Palms or MGM Grand, watch him like a hawk and be prepared to out-muscle a grandma or two when he leaves his seat.
NFL Predictions By: Mr. NFL Diagnostician Another off-season, another big Danny Snyder signing, another four months of Redskins Superbowl aspirations, and another summer of Chad Johnson acting like jerko-cinco. The regular season is finally upon us. No more calculating how many games the Orioles have to win in a row to get back in the pennant race (24 at last count), no more checking the Internet for photos of Tiger Woods‟ knee surgery, no more switching between the WNBA and Saltwater Fishing, no more pretending to be interested in NASCAR, and thankfully, thankfully, no more Olympics featuring around-the-clock Bob Costas/Michael Phelps interviews. Below is a team by team prediction. Weekly predictions are coming soon. Arizona Cardinals Record: 9-7 Analysis: How many lives can an NFL quarterback have? Kurt Warner was old when he entered the league, and 12 years later he‟s still getting starting gigs…and then losing him. He‟s the Ralph Nadar of the NFL! Warner leads a rag-tag Arizona offense into the season, but it‟s the defense that will make the most noise. Head coach Ken Wisenhunt has focused solely on the defense this off-season, and the time was well spent. My guess is that Warner the gunslinger will be replaced by Matt Leinert the hot-tubber by midseason, and this team‟s defense, not offense, will carry them into the playoffs. Atlanta Falcons: Record: 5-11 Analysis: For the 20th time in the last six years, the Falcons are in rebuilding mode. They‟re starting a rookie quarterback, an unproven running back, and a youthful defense. Not much to like here, but if they won five games last year with all that went wrong, surely equaling that feat shouldn‟t be too hard. Early indications are that Matt Ryan is legit. Baltimore Ravens:
Record: 5-11 Analysis: Defense is still dominant, although many of the star performers are grumbling about contracts. Heap will be injured by week 5, the offensive line is very young, and their quarterback last threw for the Blue Hens. Enough said. Buffalo Bills: Record: 8-8 Analysis: Team has nice pieces and plays in an easy division. Trent Edwards isn‟t as flashy as JP Losman, but he and Marshawn Lynch control the game well. Defense is ticking upwards. Should go 3-1 versus Miami and NY, which leaves only five more wins to get to 8-8. Fortunately, Oakland, Seattle, Kansas City, and San Francisco are also on the schedule. Carolina Panthers Record: 10-6 Analysis: The Panthers are fighting father time with bare knuckles and are prepared to release their final barrage. QB Jake Delholmme is trying to come back from Tommy John Surgery, a feat no previous quarterback has accomplished. Wide receivers Steve Smith and Mushin Mohammad are getting cranky in their old age. Linebacker Julius Peppers needs a cane to get around these days. And both sides of the line are patched together thanks to recent retirements and cuts. Most of all, coach John Fox knows it‟s playoffs or pavement. The team has enough veteran leadership and talent to make the playoffs. From there, they need a miracle arm from their labored quarterback. Chicago Bears Record: 5-11 Analysis: Coach Lovie Smith must feel like he‟s running in quicksand ever since he took the Bears to the Superbowl. He‟s gone from Brian Griese to Rex Grossman to Kyle Orton at quarterback, Thomas Jones to Cedric Benson to a rookie at running back, and Mushin Mohammad to Bernard Berrian to Brandon Lloyd at wide receiver. Folks, I haven‟t seen this much downgrading since I bought 300 shares of Enron stock. All this downgrading doesn‟t even include the bickering defense. Lovie gets a free pass this year, but in the fall of 2009 he‟ll be officially on the hot seat. Cincinnati Bengals Record: 7-9 Analysis: The Bengals have more subplots than a Dan Brown novel. 1) Will Marvin Lewis be fired, and when? 2) Will Chris Perry step up and replace Rudi Johnson? 3) Will the offensive line protect Carson Palmer? 4) Will the defense learn to play defense? 5) What will Hispanics think of their new son, Ocho Cinco? 6) Will Boomer Esiason reach the ring of honor? 7) Will the Ohio River ever rid itself of that nasty stench? The answers are: 1) yes and soon; 2) no, he‟ll be injured before kickoff of game 1; 3) no, Carson will be bludgeoned like Professor Plum in the Kitchen; 4) yes, but they first have to learn to play nice with their coach; 5) they already call him Ocho Stinko; in 2010; 6) yes, if there is a God and he loves football; and 7) yes, but it‟ll be dried up by then. Perhaps the only
question not being thrown around Cincy is whether the Bengals will make the playoffs. That answer, much like the team itself, is a no-brainer. Cleveland Browns: Record: 7-9 Analysis: When it comes to dreams, the NFL plays the role of Freddy Krueger more often than the Fairy Princess. After a dream first half last season, QB Derek Anderson took some lumps as the Browns limped out of the playoffs. Anderson couldn‟t stay healthy in the preseason, got his head smacked around, and now must lead a battered and injured team into a brand new season. Cleveland has a terrific offensive line and great pass catchers, but Jamaal Lewis had his one-year revival and will look more like the 2.3 yards per carry Lewis that the Ravens gave up on. As for defense, well, does Cleveland have a defense? Dallas Cowboys: Record: 10-6 Analysis: The Cowboys seem primed for another Superbowl run, but they are frightfully thin at certain positions, especially wide receiver. The season could go south in a hurry if Terrell Owens gets hurt...or forgets to take his medication. Once they get to the playoffs, all eyes will be on Tony Romo. Romo is officially 2-0 in the “hot women” department, but 0-2 in the playoffs. No one is sure which stat means more to the young signal caller. Wade Phillips, get your resume ready. Detroit Lions Record: 7-9 Analysis: Folks, if the Motor City can‟t put a decent hybrid on the market, what chance do they have at running a successful football team? GM Matt Millen continues to draft like Phil Hellmuth plays a 4/6 hand unsuited. Denver Broncos Record: 9-7 Analysis: Jay Cutler has arrived…just a little more diabetic than expected. Cutler is the next franchise quarterback to make the leap into stardom, and he‟s got some nice weapons to work with. The Broncos still have to figure out their once stellar running game, and they have way too many Bailey‟s on defense, but in a weak division they should challenge for a wild card spot. Green Bay Packers Record: 8-8 Analysis: The life of quarterback Aaron Rodgers: drafted in the first round by Green Bay; holds a clipboard for three years while legend Favre avoids retirement; Favre finally retires and Rodgers gets the nod; Favre comes back and Rodgers gets screwed. Now it seems the only person rooting for Rodgers, who has done nothing in his four years as a pro but be a good soldier, is his mother – and she‟s on the fence. Houston Texans
Record: 10-6 Analysis: Most casual NFL fans don‟t know the Houston Texans from a bottle of salsa. Prepare to get salsa splashed all over your face. Indianapolis Colts Record: 10-6 Analysis: Betting against the Colts is like kissing your sister: it should only be done on holidays and special occasions. Kansas City Chiefs Record: 4-12 Analysis: The Chiefs head into the season as the youngest team in the NFL. They went hog-wild in the draft, picking up more players than anyone…and they plan on using many of those players immediately. Larry Johnson is still here, but he has no line to run behind. Tony Gonzalez is also still here, but he has no quarterback to get him the ball. The good news is that head coach Herm Edwards is a master motivator and excels at teaching the fundamentals. The Chiefs will lose often, but by season‟s end they‟ll pull off some upsets. Jacksonville Jaguars Record: 10-6 Analysis: Folks, you heard it here first. The Superbowl trophy will not reside in New England, Dallas, San Diego, or Indianapolis this year. It will reside in Jacksonville, Fla., the home of the early bird special. The Jaguars are primed and ready for a Superbowl season. They are stacked and nasty on defense, reminiscent of the 2000 Ravens. David Garrard is a sensible, sure-handed director of this offense. He has the best one-two punch at running back in the league and he has decent hands on the wings. Best of all, this team will be sharp and focused as head boss Jack Del Rio knows this is their year. The Jags play one of the hardest schedules in the league, all the more reason why they‟ll be ready to duke it out in the playoffs and in the Superbowl. Miami Dolphins Record: 6-10 Analysis: As a former marine biologist, I have mixed emotions about a Tuna running a bunch of Dolphins. As a current football analyst, I‟m even more perplexed about a Soprano running a football team. Minnesota Vikings Record: 11-5 Analysis: The Vikings are strong in nearly every category. They have two of the best lines in the NFL, good linebackers, quick receivers, a freakishly good running back and strong backup, and a stern Tom Coughlin-like head coach. What else could they need? Oh, that‟s right, a quarterback. Good thing they have a cake schedule. New England Patriots: Record: 13-3
Analysis: Yes, the team that will forever be known as 18-1 is back and ready to avenge for that single loss. The Patriots took some minor lumps in the off-season, but they have the scariest offense in the league and a smart defense. They also play the easiest schedule in the league. Expect to see a more conservative, run-oriented approach early on, then a barrage of offense in the second half. Also expect a run through the playoffs, until they meet an equal foe that‟ll punch Brady in the mouth. New Orleans Saints Record: 11-5 Analysis: We see it just about every year. A strong team gets hot and rides the wave of adrenaline to the Superbowl. The Ravens, Buccaneers, Colts, Steelers, Patriots (2.0), and Giants are all recent Superbowl winners who were not expected to win the Superbowl that particular year. In fact, just one of those Superbowl teams won their division the year they hoisted the crown. The Saints will be that team this year. They are under-the-radar going into the season, but made some terrific moves to shore up their defense. They are loaded on offense, and several players who underperformed last year (Reggie Bush and Drew Brees, namely) will be motivated to get back on top. The Saints have a proven quarterback, plenty of playmakers, a fiery coach, and a much improved defense. They also should coast during the season and be ready to make one of those adrenaline runs once the playoffs arrive. Just like the Giants of a year ago, the Saints will be too much to handle on both sides of the ball and will decisively win their first Superbowl. New York Jets Record: 7-9 Analysis: First Brett Favre spends three years contemplating retirement, then he finally retires, only to decide to come back. Folks, I‟ve seen some bad moves, but this ranks right up there with H. Ross Perot choosing 102-year-old James Stockdale as his running mate, or Richard Nixon thinking, “you know, with a little makeup and blush, I can be just as good looking as JFK on television.” The Jets are built to run. Favre is built to throw. The Jets are built to pass short. Favre is built to wing it down the field. The Jets are built to finish second. Favre is built like a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Like Nixon on television, Favre in New York won‟t be pretty. New York Giants Record: 8-8 Analysis: The good news is that Eli Manning had his coming-out party last December/January and he looks like he wants to stay. G-Men are loaded on offense. Bad news is the two reasons they won the Superbowl (Strahan and Osimiyora) are out for the year. Without those monster bookends, this could be an unhappy sequel to last year‟s dream story. Oakland Raiders Record: 6-10 Analysis: You gotta love a team that is run by a senile millionaire. Al Davis has made some suspect moves during his tenure as owner/GM/tyrant of the Raiders, but this offseason was a bigger head-scratcher than Rambo 2, 3, and 4 put together. Known in NFL
circles as the stingiest man ever to wear black, Davis shelled out huge contracts like they were free gas cards. He gave $70 million to Javon Walker, who had to limp into Davis‟ office just to sign the contract. He gave $40 million to DeAngelo Hall, the pint-size, trash-talking, Vick-loving cornerback. It seemed like Christmas in Oakland for everyone…except head coach Lane Kiffin. In pure Davis form, the owner tried to get Kiffin to quit, thereby forgoing the need to fire him and pay for the two extra years on his contract. Kiffin, of course, balked at the request, but now he has a shadow hanging over his team like the black hole. At least the other huge shadow, Warran Sapp, is gone, as is the anti Tim Brown, aka Jerry Porter. Philadelphia Eagles Record: 10-6 Analysis: The Eagles made some smart moves on defense, getting rid of dead weight (Javon Kearse, namely) and picking up CB Asante Samuel. The question, as always, will be whether Donovan McNabb can stay healthy and get enough support. If Michael Westbrook stays healthy then the Eagles should return to the playoffs. Westbrook showed last year why he is the most important player for any team. As for the receivers, well they rank as the least important group for any team. Pittsburgh Steelers Record: 9-7 Analysis: The Steelers are in transition, but they don‟t know that. While their offense is rebuilding, their defense is slipping. Cornerback will once again be a problem, as this team has worse covers than Linens and Things. Coach Mike Timlin will reassert the running game this year, allowing Big Ben to be more precise while keeping his defense off the field. With only Cleveland to worry about, only a self-implosion (or a major spill at the Iron City Brewing Co.) could keep the Steelers from winning the division. Seattle Seahawks Record: 7-9 Analysis: Anyone who ever said “one man‟s trash is another man‟s treasure” obviously hasn‟t seen Julius Jones run. St. Louis Rams Record: 6-10 Analysis: The Greatest Show on Turf has turned into a one-trick pony…and that pony has done nothing this off-season but eat Twinkies and watch television. San Diego Chargers Record: 11-5 Analysis: The Chargers have become the brides-maid of the NFL. They rummage through the season, hit the playoffs, and falter. The Chargers have the most talent, the most playmakers, and the nicest weather of any team in the NFL. However, something seems to always stand in their way. Three years ago it was a rookie kicker, two years ago it was Martyball, and last year it was injuries. What will happen this year? Earthquake? Tsunami? West Nile Virus? I‟m betting on a strong case of Norv-itis.
San Francisco 49ers: Record: 4-12 Analysis: Think of this as the San Francisco farewell tour, because you won‟t see many of these players or coaches next year. Head coach Mike Nolan was so desperate for offense that he brought in Mike “Mad-Man” Martz. Martz was so desperate that he brought in unknown J.T. Sullivan to run his offense. Sullivan is desperate to stay in the NFL rather than return to stocking shelves at the local Mini Mart. And the Mini Mart is desperate for stock boys since two of their best (Sullivan, Kurt Warner) were stolen by the NFL. The 49ers are like a ball of stale, brittle clay – just one dent and the whole thing could come apart. I reckon the Rams will play the part of the hammer. Tampa Bay Buccaneers Record: 3-13 Analysis: The Bucs played to a super soft schedule last year and willed themselves into the playoffs. Sure the defense is still strong and Monte Kiffin is still calling the plays, but head coach Jon Gruden has a bigger offensive mess to deal with than the next U.S. president. His quarterback situation is paltry, his running back stable is filled with donkeys, and his wide receivers are anonymous. Come to think of it, maybe the next President isn‟t in that bad shape after all. Tennessee Titans: Record: 6-10 Analysis: Some may scoff at my prediction for the Titans to finish last in the AFC Central at 6-10. But when you look further, you see the reasoning. The rest of the division has grown while the Titans are still a middle-class defense with a poverty-level offense. No wide receivers, a two-ton running back, an aging tight-end, and a shaky leader at quarterback. Pundits believe that Young will take the next step. My theory? He‟s bound for backupsville. Washington Redskins: Record: 9-7 Analysis: Jim Zorn is ready to lead the red and black, err, burgundy and gold. There seems to be more pressure on Jason Campbell than Barrack Obama, and his season will certainly tell the tale for the Redskins. Offense has lots of weapons with a solid line, Clinton Portis in the backfield, Chris Cooley down the middle, and young receivers. Unfortunately, the coach and players didn‟t gel in the preseason, and their defense looked slow. If the Redskins start out slow, the question will be how long before Zorn makes the QB switch. In the toughest division in the league, there is zero margin for error for a playoff potential team.
NFL Week 1 All Dreams Aboard By: NFL Diagnostician
Every year 32 teams dream of winning the Superbowl. Okay, 31 teams. Arizona dreams of winning more than 6 games. The point is that Week 1 is for optimists, opportunists, and ophthalmologists. Teams that were 5-11 can aspire to the playoffs. Playoff teams can aspire to the Superbowl. And Tony Romo can aspire to bigger and better things, such as Angelina Jolie. The start of the football season is the ultimate mind and body cleanser. Everything that happened in the past and in the preseason is wiped clean. All that is left is the pure feeling of hope. (This introductory paragraph is brought to you by the makers of Zest soap, inviting all NFL fans to be Zestfully clean this season!) Okay, now that my sponsors are taken care of, let‟s get down to it. In reality, only a few teams have a shot at the NFL title. The rest of you are just wasting our time, making us watch bad games on Sundays, and forcing the NFL to shift schedules in December. Yes, I‟m talking to you Atlanta, Detroit, and Arizona. No, you have absolutely no chance San Fran, Miami, and Cincy. Chicago and Kansas City? You‟re starting quarterbacks are Orton and Croyle. Oakland? Didn‟t you blow most of your free agency wad on Javon Walker? Baltimore and Green Bay? Enjoy being doormats for your respective divisions. Then there‟s the downfalls, the Titans, Giants, Packers, Redskins, Seahawks, and Buccaneers. They were all starlets in last year‟s playoffs, and the Giants even made the improbably run to the Superbowl. This year they move back to mediocre-hood: 7-9, 8-8, 9-7, ho hum. Some will make the playoffs, others won‟t, does it really matter? They‟re all just standing in the way of the contenders. Now, let‟s get down to the playoff teams that have legitimate shots at the NFL crown. Before we do that, however, let‟s applaud the following new comers to this conversation: Houston Texans, welcome. Denver Broncos, glad to have you here. Cleveland Browns, wait, how‟d you get in here? There must be a mistake. Sorry, back to the pound for you. Here is my Superbowl shortlist: Indianapolis, San Diego, New England, Jacksonville, New Orleans, and Dallas. No surprises here, but check how the season will play out. The Jags defensive line proves too much for Peyton, while San Diego finally asserts revenge on New England. The Cowboys and surprise Saints coast to the NFC championship game, neither feeling so much as a sweat. In the AFC title game, the Jags humble the Chargers, who are once again banged up and badly coached. In the NFC, Romo pulls a “Romo” and sends his team packing. Thus, the Jags and Saints both reach the Superbowl for the first time. During the game, the Saints play to their strong suits, good pressure upfront, lots of downfield passes, and a re-electrified Reggie Bush. The Jaguars hang tough but fail to get to QB Drew Brees. Final score, Saints 38 Jacksonville 24. Now onto the picks: Last week 0-0, Season 0-0 (like Bill Bellichick, the eternal optimist, I am shooting for the perfect season. However, I fully expect to get knocked down early and often, much like Rocky Balboa. I just hope my season ends up like Rocky III – minus the cold war social commentary – rather than Rocky V.) Washington +3.5 at NY Giants:
How much will the losses of Strahan and Osiminyura hurt the Giants chances of getting back to the Superbowl? Think of it this way: imagine “Live with Regis and Kathy Lee” without either Regis and Kathy Lee. The departure of Kathy Lee was tough, but the show went on. You take Regis out of the equation and now you‟re looking at “Live with Arsenio and Kate Holmes.” Latest NBC Presidential poll asks the question, “Would you be more comfortable with Barrack Obama or John McCain replacing Jason Campbell at quarterback?” Pick: Skins game. Arizona +2.5 at San Francisco Main sticking point in Cards WR Anquan Boldin‟s new contract is the team clause that appoints him chaperone to all future Matt Leinert parties. I‟ve seen San Fran offensive coordinator Mike Martz perform miracles, from shelf stocker Kurt Warner to retread Jon Kitna. However, if he turns unknown J.T. Sullivan into a 4,000 yard quarterback, I‟ll build a church after him. Pick: „Zona. Seattle +1 at Buffalo: In an effort to get Bills WR Lee Evans and new QB Trend Edwards on the same page, 103-year-old GM Marv Levy sent them both to see the Broadway production of The Lion King. “Worked for Jim and Thurman,” Levy recollects, “or was that my grandkids Jon and Herman?” Seahawks WR corps moved to the 401-77th MASH Unit. Pick: Bill. Cincinnati +1 at Baltimore: If the Bengals aren‟t a train wreck waiting to derail I don‟t know what is. From Chad Johnson „s antics to Rudi Johnson‟s sudden release to Chris Henry‟s reinstatement, this team has more problems than the mayor of New Orleans during Fat Tuesday. In the wake of QB Troy Smith‟s recent stomach ailments, Ravens team officials have removed “leftover Sushi night” from the weekly menu. Pick: Rav. Dallas at Cleveland +5.5: Fantasy Stat of the Week: Cowboys RB Marion Barber has scored 28 touchdowns the past two seasons despite never starting a regular season game. Fantasy Analysis: It doesn‟t matter if he starts or not or how much he plays, Barber can score a touchdown during the coin toss. Un-edited original lyrics to Jim Croce‟s „Don‟t Mess Around with Jim,‟ “You don‟t spit into the wind, you don‟t tug on Superman‟s cape, you don‟t pull the mask off the Lone Ranger and you don‟t pick the Browns to win.” Pick: Boyz Detroit at Atlanta +3: Looking to shed himself from the Lions curse, WR Roy Williams has vowed to wear a wreath of garlic around his neck two hours before each game. Sharing the same sentiment, Lions GM Matt Millen has vowed to eat a wreath of garlic two hours before each game. With loss, Falcons are officially eliminated from the playoffs. Pick: Hotlanta. Chicago +9.5 at Indianapolis: Going from Jim Sorgi in the preseason to Peyton Manning in the regular season is kind of like going from vanilla ice cream to Ace of Cakes. The environmental group Save the Planet recently placed the Bears offense on its list of endangered species. Pick: Colts
Tennessee +3 at Jacksonville: Titans QB Vince Young needs a 25-28-like performance just to get his quarterback rating above President Bush‟s approval rating. As my “Team O‟ the AFC,” my Jags will return the butt-kicking imposed by these Titans last year on opening day. Last year 13-10 loss, this year 34-12 victory. Pick: Jags. Kansas City +12 at New England: Some people bet with their head, some with their hearts, and others with their wallets. Looking at the way they destroyed the NFL last year during the regular season, I‟m betting with the Patriots. In order to fill the missing holes on its offensive line, the young Chiefs plan to call up three Pop-Warner players. Pick: Pat. Tampa Bay +3 at New Orleans: How can you start Jeff Garcia, Michael Clayton, and Earnest Graham and tell your fans that you‟re honestly trying to win? That‟s like McDonalds touting its quadruple cheeseburger/large fries/hot apple pie combo and then telling customers that they‟re health conscious. Stepping-up their environmental activities, Saints uniforms are now made from recycled “New England Patriots 2008 Champions” tee shirts. Pick: Saint. NY Jets at Miami +3: I expect Favre‟s line to look something like this: 16-35, 234 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 0 players hoisted onto back. Talk about great television, how about a reality series where Fins‟ GM Bill Parcells rooms with RB Ricky Williams? They could call it “Smoked Tuna.” Pick: Fins St. Louis +7.5 at Philadelphia: Eagles new CB Asante Samuel on the main differences between new coach Andy Reid and old coach Bill Bellichick: “Neither are snazzy dressers, that‟s for sure, but I guess the main difference is Bellichick always smelled like Downey, while Reid smells like hot wings.” For some reason, Rams Guard Ritchie Incognito always disappears during games. Pick: Phils. Houston +6.5 at Pittsburgh: The last time Houston got a win in the steel city, Warren Moon was the quarterback, the elder Phillips was the coach, and you didn‟t have to increase your credit limit just to fill up your gas tank. Pick: Tex. Carolina +9 at San Diego: Something tells me that if 9 out of 10 doctors told Chargers LB Shawn Merriman to brush his teeth twice a day, Merriman would be scarfing down candy bars right before bedtime. First sign that Panthers coach John Fox is on the hot seat: Executive washroom keys replaced by keys to janitor‟s closet. Pick: Panth Oakland +3 at Denver:
Denver‟s adopted son John Elway was reportedly miffed that he couldn‟t sit next to Michelle Obama during last week‟s Democratic National Convention. Raiders embattled coach Lane Kiffin was fined $100 last week for scalping Rita‟s Ice coupons. Minnesota +2.5 at Green Bay: In preparation for the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis/St. Paul, security personnel are advised to be on the lookout for guns, knives, and whizzinators. On the way to practice Tuesday, ill-fated QB Aaron Rodgers accidentally ran over the mayor‟s dog. Pick: Vikes