Playoff Push Week 14 Picks By: Mr. NFL Diagnostician
It’s December, and we all know what that means…homicides at the local Wal-Mart, relentless Christmas songs on every radio station, drunk santas hanging outside shopping centers, and the NFL’s version of trying to squeeze 20 professional bowlers into a phone booth. Yes, it’s the big playoff push. 32 teams, 12 slots, do the math (okay, so it’s really 30 teams because Detroit and Arizona are always eliminated from the playoffs before Labor Day rolls around. And don’t give me that “Arizona is 8-4 and leading the division by 12 games” crap. They’ll find a way to miss the playoffs, believe me.) In the AFC, the Titans and Steelers are locks to get into the postseason, the Colts, Jets, and Broncos have a firm grip on a playoff spot, and the Patriots, Dolphins, and Ravens are fighting to stay alive. The rest of the conference is either getting ready to fire their coach (read this San Diego!) or making travel plans for New Years. In the NFC, the Giants are golden, the Bucs, Vikings, and Panthers are solid, and the Cardinals, well they’ll find some way to screw this up. The Cowboys, Redskins, Eagles, Bears, Packers, Saints…basically the Lions and everyone who doesn’t play in the NFC west, are all entrenched in the playoff dogfight. I’m not sure if the Rams, 49ers, and Seahawks even know that the season has started. Playoff predictions are coming soon, but first, send those questions along to ejsweetbutter@hotmail.com! Last week: 6-10, Season: 107-80-1 (ouch, let’s just say I pulled a Norv.) Oakland +9.5 at San Diego As bad as this game is, it will be worth staying up for just to see the bizarre way the Chargers will lose. My prediction: Four and goal from the one, the Raiders have the ball and are down by 6 points. Russell hikes the ball, rolls right, gets smeared by four Chargers but not before lofting the ball toward the back of the endzone. The ball is caught by a fan in the first row wearing a Tim Brown Raiders jersey. After huddling, the referees concur that the fan was an eligible receiver. Raiders 28 Chargers 27. Pick Raid. Cincinnati +13.5 at Indianapolis: First 5,000 fans get to leave before halftime. Pick: Colt 45. Jacksonville +6.5 at Chicago: I just can’t figure out the Bears. One week they’re world beaters, the next they can’t go three plays without a false start penalty. I haven’t been this confused since my seventh grade teacher tried to explain why Marion Barry was good for DC. Pick: Bear. Minnesota at Detroit +8:
As part of Fan Appreciation Day, 14 lucky fans will get to root for the Vikings. Pick: Vikes. Houston +5.5 at Green Bay: Packers RB Ryan Grant spent Thanksgiving weekend writing apology letters to all the fantasy football participants who drafted him. Texans DE Mario Williams has six sacks in two night games. If I’m coach Gary Kubiak, I’m making sure all future home games are played with the retractable roof on and the light dimmed. Pick: Pack. Cleveland +14 at Tennessee: You know your team is in trouble when it brings in Brooks Bollinger for a workout. Fast Fact of the Week: Titans are 11-0 when they play outside of New York. Pick: Titan. Washington +5 at Baltimore: Redskins coach Jim Zorn was miffed that defensive coach Greg Blantch was allowed to use Redskins One over the Thanksgiving holiday. Talk about your politicians, Ravens coach John Harbaugh raved about RB Willis McGahee, who was healthy but didn’t get a single snap last week. I haven’t seen this much political spin since vice president Dick Chaney shot a campaign contributor while hunting. Pick: Skin. Philadelphia +7 at NY Giants: Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg? Yea, that’s a good one, but it still doesn’t compare to the “Whizzinator.” Eagles coach Andy Reid was so energized after his team defeated the Cardinals that he went home and made a Turducken. Pick: Eag. Atlanta +3 at New Orleans In my opinion, the Falcons have the coach of the year (Mike Smith), rookie of the year (Matt Ryan), free agent pickup of the year (Michael Turner), and feel-good story of the year. And if Michael Vick earns early release, they’ll also be in the running for convict of the year. Pick: Saint. NY Jets at San Francisco +4 I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; if 49ers coach Mike Singletary isn’t going to blow up on the sidelines, take his pants off at halftime, or throw a player out, this team really isn’t worth watching. Thanksgiving parade was supposed to include a huge Brett Favre float, but minutes before the beginning of the parade the float fizzled. Sign of things to come. Pick: 49er Miami and Buffalo +1 at Toronto: Don’t get me wrong, I like the Dolphins running game and I think that Buffalo has a solid defense, but I’m taking the Maple Leaves here. Neither team has an answer for the dynamic duo of Winger Nik Antropov and Center Mikhail Grabovski. Pick: Buffalo Kansas City +9 at Denver: Broncos RB Petyon Hills spent the first half of Thanksgiving handing out turkeys at a homeless shelter, and the second half meeting up with old stockboy friends at the local
Wal Mart. Talk about being the biggest loser. Tyler Thigpen may have just won the starting quarterback job for the worst qb-friendly team in the NFL. Pick: Broncs. St. Louis +14 at Arizona: Last week was the beginning of the end for the Cardinals. Stage two happens this weekend, when Rams RB Stephen Jackson runs through the Cards defense like a knife through melted butter. Pick: Ram. Dallas +3 at Pittsburgh: Cowboys QB Tony Romo became the first pro player to hire a full-time “finger masseuse.” At this point, even Mary Poppins would call the Steelers a dirty team. Pick: Steel. New England at Seattle +5 Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren was fined $175 for sleeping during Tuesday’s film session. Talk about your roller coaster rides on Wall Street. In just one week, Pats QB Matt Cassell’s stock went from a high of $75 million to a low of $2 and a bag of chips. Pick: Hawks. Tampa Bay +3 at Carolina: First half will be pre-empted so local television stations can test their DTV signals in preparation for the February 2009 rollout.