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					April 1,2009 Volume 1, Issue 4



The Tappan Times explained.
“ Wait. Why is it called that again?”
Okay! So if you people are wondering why we changed the title to Tappan Times, read this! And you'd better read this so the author gets famous! This month's newspaper is called the Tappan Times because... WE LOVE TAPPAN! Yay! Clague worships Tappan. They are the world’s greatest wonder. We shall honor Tappan for as long as we survive in this polluted world! But back to the point, Tappan rocks? All hail Tappan, the great one. We shall give them all the candy on earth! Sadly they don't want candy so we have nothing to offer them but our mockery in this issue

We love TAPPAN???

The Honor Assembly………… Changed!
Mrs. Leaman has announced that the next Honor Assembly on April 1, 2009 has been changed. Only people that have under C’s may attend this Assembly. The assembly has been changed from a sitting down on chairs to an

nd Story Headline of Pajama Paintball! exciting game
Food and drinks will be served. Parents are not invited!

example, employees or people interested in purchasing a product or requesting your service. You can compile a mailing list from business reply cards, customer information sheets, business cards collected at trade shows, or membership lists. You might

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A giant industrial magnet is being moved out from the Tappan Amphitheater. Tappan chose to represent their achievement level with a solid gold bar. Last week, rigorous academic testing failed, the Tappan Super Science Team formulated a plan to raise the achievement level with a magnet after. But this time the Tappan Super Science Team has decided that raising the bar with helium might be a better approach. Principal Goldman was disappointed that the scheme to use an industrial magnet to raise the school’s achievement level failed. “What this proves is that our achievement level is so low, that the Tappan Super Science Team believes that gold is magnetic!” mutters Principal Goldman. The Tappan Super Science Team has currently found that helium will raise the giant gold bar that represents the school’s achievement level. Proudly, the Tappan Super Science Team has provided our publication with this equation that proves the theory correct: $$$$$-___ (=$$$)=$$=___/!!!* *All other AAPS schools still can’t decipher the equation.

“Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit. Author: Josh Billings

The last issue of THE COUGAR CHRONICLES will be published in May. This issue will be a literary issue with the best drawings and writings from the 2008/09 school year. Teachers and students please submit your best for us to review. Deadline April 28, 2009.

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Clague Library Converted To Laser Tag Arena By: Lazar Tagg
On March 30th, the school board ruled that all schools must have a laser tag arena to help students vent excess energy. Tappan has heard that Clague Middle School, unable to find room to expand to meet this new requirement, will convert their library into laser tag arena. After lunch, recess in the gym or outside will be replaced by laser tag. All teachers will be required to give up ten minutes of their teaching time to go to the laser tag arena. Michelle Rodriguez, Clague School Media Specialist, praised the new policy. She remarked that since its inception, “Visits to the library have increased and circulation is shooting up.” Due to the lack of laser tag guns, all students are required to bring their own laser tag guns to school, otherwise, they will not be admitted. Some people argue that excess student energy is NOT the reason that the school board mandated the new laser tag requirement. “The only reason the district voted for this,” said a protester, “Was because thousands of angry students stormed the district headquarters and demanded this rule be put in place.” There is also a rumor going around that kids ARE actually in charge of the school board. The school board heads, Spoiled Elizabeth VI and Angry Joe, were unavailable for comment.


The Reality of Clague Media Center By Roarke W. McAllister
The Media Center at Clague is a great place for research and relaxation, whether using the computers or sitting in a nice comfy chair to read a good book it is the most comfortable place in the building. “My favorite thing to do at the media center is read books.” Said Hokyun Kim and indeed he gives a great example to some kids I know who would have responded my question with “I like to play computer games.” Alan Yeh and Michael June both said that their favorite thing to do at the library was to check out books like I do. All in all, the library is a great place to do many things from having fun to working on a project. I hope the next time you come to this place you think of all the possibilities of this place.

““Men can acquire knowledge, but not wisdom. Some of the greatest fools ever known were learned men.” Spanish Proverb

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Academic Games Tournament By Alan Yeh
“You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time. Abraham Lincoln
Students from many schools have prepared the entire year for the State Academic Games tournament, held March 19-20 in Grand Rapids. They have practiced games such as Equations, On-Sets, Propaganda, Presidents, Linguistik, and WFF’N Proof. Team member and 7th grader Hokyun Kim says “Propaganda is awesome,” which I think is great too. The one and only Eric Nelson taught the Clague team. Our team has a variety of students, from new players to veterans who have been playing since forever! People ask, “What is Academic Games?” Academic Games is a series of games invented to increase skills in math, reading, and even history. It helps students to think outside the box and fool others to win in games like On-Sets and Equations. Linguistik helps kids learn spelling and grammar by thinking of words and sentences that fall under increasingly specific categories. In the game of Presidents all the students compete against each other by using their skills and history knowledge to figure out which president the speaker is giving clues about. But Academic Games isn’t just about math and education, it is also a way to make new friends and have some friendly competition. They can have fun competing with friends old and new, and in March team members traveled to Grand Rapids to compete with students from all over the state. If they are really successful at the state level they go to the National Tournament for a whole week to compete with the top players from all over the U.S. for the title as National Champions. Regarding the State Tournament, 8th grader Acer Xu remarked that, “the chicken is nasty.” I would also say it was a bit dry. Overall, I must say food at the tournament was better looking than the Clague’s lunches. Though team members like Acer don’t like the food, participants need to eat to keep ourselves awake and thinking properly. Hokyun Kim says “the hotel was okay, it wasn’t all that bad.” I agree with him, but the only thing that we were supposed to do was to use our rooms to sleep. (Some students reportedly used their room phones to “prank call” their friends in the hotel). They still had to follow their in-room curfew of 10 o’clock. I encourage anybody to come join Academic Games next year so we can get many more players and make more friends. Come join Academic Games next year for Super Tournament


organization’s identity among peers, members, employees, or vendors.

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cafeteria Appetizers-$26

Menu changes on the horizon for school
Entrees-$40 Centennial Steak: 100-year-old bovine reclaims flavor with cow jelly Lemur Medley: A different lemur filet for each island in Madagascar Laughing Lobster: A slow cooked lobster served by mermaids

Le Cuisine De Claque

Chocolate Amusant: A warm, chocolate truffle smothered with caramel sugar Taste of Haute: A bleu cheese with mold casserole with herbs fins The Carolinian: A mini crab cake with yellow tilefish sauce

Video Games, Poker, and Game Shows, Oh My! newsletter. By Joe King Flush This could be anyone
Mrs. Leaman has recently announced that there will be several new exploratories for the incoming sixth graders. These exploratories will include poker, video games, and the art of watching the TV show. Also included is the much anticipated “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” exploratory, which will give out real cash. Although many current sixth graders may find it unfair that the incoming class will be able to make money from playing poker, the current sixth graders need not worry. An equation created by

who might benefit from the information it contains, for honors algebra eighth graders has example, employees or people shown that since each poker table interested in purchasing a product will have a minimum of five or requesting your service. players, You can compile a mailing list from represented by the equation ¢-(tbusiness reply cards, customer 1)¢=$, where $ equals money made information sheets, Business cards by a player, t represents the collected at trade shows, or total number of players at might membership lists. Youthe table, and ¢equals purchasing by the winning considermoney made a mailing list from a company. fact that a player player. Also, the

the money made by a player can be

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Plato

plays at least four other players means that a player has a 1 in 5 probability of winning. Because players gamble with their own money, they will actually on average lose money instead of win money. Continued on next page students have come up with the equation (e-qy)1,000,000=$, where e equals the IQ of the

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Meanwhile, for the “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” exploratory, the eighth grade Geometry AC students have come up with the equation (e-qy)1,000,000=$, where e equals the IQ of the contestant, q equals the total number of unasked questions, y equals the average amount of years ago the facts asked were created, and $ equals the total amount of money made by the contestant. On most occasions, the numbers will end up as a negative result, because e is usually somewhere in the hundreds, y is somewhere in the teens, and q is somewhere in the lower teens to high single digits. Still, current sixth graders aren’t convinced. One sixth grader compained, “That’s just not fair, man, how come Mrs. Leaman decides to go and let the next group of sixth graders play poker, and we can’t even watch poker on our IPods?” Another sixth grader griped, “How come the new sixth graders get to make money at school?” Most of the current fifth graders are very excited to go to Clague. Several King fifth graders have stated that they are “ecstatic” to go to Clague to make money.

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. Benjamin Franklin

Timmy Schwarts, Foresight Middle School Class of 2014 As one of the district’s many unexceptional athletes Timmy baffles coaches as he wails about yet another injury. He is an example of one of the many couch potatoes forced to participate in our PE program to instill the joy of fitness and sport in the great outdoors.

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Billy Bob, Slobson Middle School Class of 2013 Ann Arbor Public Schools aim to achieve 100% homework completion to engage students and increase graduation rates. Some schools have instituted HOMEWORK LOCK UP. In this enriching and meaningful program. Billy Bob will enjoy 24/7 monitoring and a bread-and-water diet until he completes all his homework.

Marvel Smith Clemson Elementary School As one of the many teachers in district Marvel brings patience to the classroom that knows its limits…June 15, 12 noon!!!!!


COUGAR STAFF Teacher advisor: Ms. Linda Prieskorn Parent volunteer: Deborah Kanter Student-writers (April Fools' 2009): Emma Alson John Brinley Michael June Hokyun Kim Arkadia Pereklita León Pescador Hao Tang Acer Xu Alan Yeh

Clague Courtyard Ballot Initiative By Vote for Change
You know the Clague Courtyard in the middle of Clague School? Well, we thought that it was trashy and a waste of space. So, we asked Ms. Leaman if we could do something about it. She said that if enough people voted, we could remodel the Clague courtyard! Please vote for one of the following options: [ ] Knock it all apart, and build a bank there! In order to stay at Clague, students would have to work ten hours a week. [ ] Build a farmhouse and buy some animals. Manure will be used as soil to grow veggies to give out in the Clague cafeteria. [ ] Make a private beach for teachers! It will include a smoothie bar and a removable dome that is used in cold weather to keep the teachers warm and in paradise. [ ] Plant homework trees. There is a new type of tree discovered in Blubbealand, Indiana, that grows homework for students that are not in need of an extra challenge! [ ] A detention chamber, that is modeled to look like a real jail, and serves cold mashed potatos. If you don’t eat, you have to stay for even longer! O.k. people, those are the totally awesome ballot choices! Remember, at least 56, 798 people must vote on the same idea or the courtyard turns into Emma Alson’s private island that is sooooooo cool... but you can’t go there! MWA HA HA!


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