The Secret Diary of the Phantom of the Opera
Very, very depressed today. New theatre owners are sadly both irretrievably stupid and have
very bad hair and will both quite possibly need to be offed without delay. Also, lair décor is
starting to get me down – it is so mid-century. Waiting for new Ikea catalogue but it hasn’t
I know what will cheer me up! I’ll go and drop things on Carlotta’s head.
Direct hit! Go me!
Bloody silly whinging cow, and will you look at them all grovelling! Why in the world anyone
would want to keep her around complete baffles me. Her voice sounds like a cat being
strangled. But what would I know?! I’m just a musical genius after all. Ooooh, look at
Christine bobbing about in her little slave girl outfit! I feel a little bit funny…like when I slide
up and down the ropes above the stage…
Hurrah! They’re letting her sing in the show! About time too. Hmmm. I wonder who that
drippy looking bloke that she keeps making gooey eyes at is. Will have to find out. And
possibly off him too.
Show was a rather marvellous success, except that stupid drip Raoul (Raoul! What kind of a
bloody name is that, it sounds like a noise you make when you’re throwing up for crying out
loud) was not only sitting in my box but kept making gooey eyes at Christine all the way
through. It nearly made me sick! Yep, am definitely gonna have to off him. It’s not that I
enjoy killing people, really it isn’t – people just keep popping up who need to be killed! I find it
quite traumatising, to be really honest.
Am feeling a bit down now. Think I’ll go and watch Christine undressing through her mirror.
She still hasn’t cottoned on that I’m there yet, even though this one time when she was taking
a bath a got a bit carried away when I was…
ARRRGGGGHHHHH! Drippy Raoul bloke with bad hair was IN CHRISTINE’S ROOM! Apparently
they knew each other when they were kids. Lord, I hope they didn’t play doctors and nurses,
that would just be TOO WEIRD. I think he’s asked her to go somewhere with him – this is BAD
BAD BAD. Will have to put paid to it right now, before he gets into another box of mine. Once
Christine is overwhelmed by my rugged masculinity she’ll forget all about Raoul.
Plan worked an absolute treat – she was so overwhelmed by my rugged masculinity that she
passed out. Well, I’m pretty sure it was my rugged masculinity that did it, she might have got
a bit close to the toilet and I haven’t gotten around to cleaning that in a while. Perhaps should
have, especially after last week’s tummy upset.
Think will just play with Opera voodoo dolls until she wakes up. Oooh! I see movement behind
GAAHH! All went tits up, as it usually does. She took my mask off and I really hate it when
people do that. Wish I hadn’t lost my temper like that though – it wasn’t like she was going to
laugh at me and beat the crap out of me like the people at the sideshow, but you never can
tell with girls. Have sent her away, and she’s probably gone straight to shag drippy Raoul. Am
going to die alone. ALONE!
Will think of ways to make it up to her.
I know! I will kill everybody else in the opera so she’ll be the only opera singer left in Paris!
Or…I could just write some letters to irretrievably stupid theatre owners and get them to give
her the lead roll in the next show. Yeah. That’s a better idea.
Off to check mail now.
GAHHH! No Ikea catalogue, just another bloody letter from the Extreme Makeover people.
When are they going to get it through their heads that I don’t want to be on their stupid
Anyway, have sent out letters to all the repugnant vestibules on the sphincter of society that
inhabit this bloody stupid theatre.
Note to self also - write letter to Uncle Maurice and thank him for the Big Book of Vile Insults
that he sent me for Christmas. Has much improved all of my correspondence. A damn sight
better than the boring socks and underpants Mme Giry sends me every year.
Heee heeeee heeeeeee!!! Look at them running around like headless chickens! Honestly,
sometimes it’s great being a deranged genius. Oooh! Best get ready for show and witness
Christine’s moment of triumph.
Wait a minute…
This CANNOT be happening!
Breath slowly…..count to ten.
Gah! Carlotta singing! Cannot contain insane homicidal urges much longer! May have to go
and off someone, possibly Raoul or that guy in Seat 12 with the really bad tie.
Need Bloody Mary to calm nerves. No! Mustn’t….mustn’t!
I know! Will go mess about with Carlotta’s breath freshener (with all the parmesan cheese
that woman eats I hope it’s industrial strength) – not quite as good as cutting the whining
bint’s head off but will still be fun.
Now put Christine on, you useless festering sacks of turgid sheep excrement! Oh good, they’re
going to go and get her frocked up.
Problem is that I really can’t contain these homicidal urges much longer. Will have to and kill
the guy who makes the curtains go up and down, I’ve never been able to stand him.
Oops. Curtains guy has just made an unscheduled appearance onstage. Guess his career is
now….curtains! BWWAAAA HAAAAHHHAAA! Sometimes I even crack myself up!
Hang on….where’s Christine gone???
WAAAAAHHHHHH! WAAAAAHHHHHHH! DOOOOOOOM!!!!!
Cannot bring self to relate what was witnessed last night, but suffice to say I really need a hug
and the problem with being a deranged homicidal maniac means that nobody will bloody well
give me one. So will just have to be satisfied with reeking revenge on them both that will
possibly end, or at least ruin, one or both of their lives.
Have made a little voodoo doll of Raoul and am amusing self by cutting it’s head off.
Amusingness is undiminished by repetition.
Anyway, am so over her. Was ready to move on anyway.
WAAAAHHHHH! Christine, Christine, how could you DO this to me??!!! Tongues and
Will go and check mail. Perhaps Ikea catalogue has finally arrived and can go and cheer self
up by selecting new shelving units and such.
Nope. Sniff. Seems like everybody hates me today. Perhaps should not have called postman
an ugly swamp rat with the intelligence of a picture frame the last time I saw him. Dammit!
Am going to throw Big Book of Vile Insults away, it’s ruining my life.
Anyway, all this crying is making my mascara run. Must pull myself together. Once people see
me going soft they’ll start to disobey me and then running this place will be nothing but work,
work, work. The big question is, though, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
A Blood Mary is the only thing to get the day back on track. It’s almost afternoon.
Stupid Masquerade Ball. I know they only do it to make fun of me.
Expect Mme Giry will be down in a minute. She comes down every year to borrow one of my
masks. But since I saw her making gooey eyes at Raoul (what IS it with women and silly bad
haired fops?) she can bloody well sod off and buy one like everybody else.
Anyway, little do they know that tonight I unveil my master plan to take over the theatre, rule
the world and….well…okay, just piss everybody about a bit basically.
Hmmm. Do these red pants make my bum look big? They’re definitely starting to look a bit
tight, perhaps it’s time to ease up on the cheese cake. I know! Will just conceal it with cape!
Am a bit early, anyway. Will go and make another Martini then amuse self with Christine and
Raoul voodoo dolls I have made. Raoul! Get away from me, you stupid bad haired fop! But,
Christine, I love you! I don’t care, Raoul, I’m going to have Phantom’s babies and get breast
implants. So there! Come here so I can hit you! Bash bash bash!
Yes, it’s very childish and stupid but highly amusing and this Martini is going down beautifully.
Will make another one then will definitely go.
Should not obsess, anyway. Will just stop thinking about it. Just for tonight.
WHY DOESN’T CHRISTINE LOVE ME? WHY? WHHHYYYYYYY??!!!!
Oopshy. May ave made that last Martoonie a wee bit strong. Room spinnin. Shlure it won’t
matter if I ave anudrer one but!
Gor, better go or am gonna be late. Blurry stairs! Feck! Fell over….
Looksit all the blurry stoopey woopey masks. Mine best. Am besht looking bloke here easy
Cor….everything v pretty. Swore real burlliant. Lights! Lights! Ooooops…feel like am gonna
throw up. Will hand over shtoopid opera to Fat Bastard and gettitout sharpish like RIGHT!
Oooooo-er Christine looks foxy. Bosom magnificent. Tranfixiating. Dress…sparkly. Sparkly
sparkle! Gak…nearly fell down shtairs cor blimey. Pip pip! Mmmm I wunner who that cute girl
Blurry hell! Is Raoul! Oh, God, ave drunk enough to maggim look good. Time to go back to
Mean fecking hangover. Really need some aspirin but am taking Christine to visit her father’s
grave. After I put the fear of God in her and possibly get my leg over I will come back to the
lair and have a little sleep.
Gak! Bouncy carriage is doing me no good at all. Need to be someplace quiet and dark with
my head over a bucket. But this is essential part of plan since Christine has BIG TIME daddy
Wish head would stop feeling like it’s gonna explode though. Will just hide out in this tomb
Gahh! Is Raoul. Stupid fecking eejit!
Am gonna off him now.
Buggar! Got a bit of a head spin cause of hangover and fell on my arse during duel. Not a
good look in front of Christine, especially when trying to come across as a suave, debonair
homicidal maniac instead of just a normal deranged one. She wouldn’t let Raoul kill me
She does fancy me! I bloody well knew it! Must rescue her from a life of misery married to a
useless bad haired…stupid….foppish….hmmmm.
Had best go and retrieve Big Book of Vile Insults from the recycle bin. But first will go and lie
Am so excited about opera. Have been deliberating over what outfit to wear. The open necked
ruffly shirt/tight pants combo is an old favourite, but must do something about face as have
got a zit on the good side – all this stress I expect. I dab of concealer ought to do the trick.
Must look good on stage.
Hmmm. I wonder if Raoul is plotting anything. A stupid foppish bad haired usless plot perhaps.
Probably. Should plan escape route just in case. Oooh! Doorbell!
Was just stupid postman with Ikea catalogue. FINALLY! Will read it tonight when Christine can
help me pick out a new lounge room setting. I hope she won’t insist on something horrid and
girly….like Raoul, for example. BWWWAAAA HAAA HAAAA! Geez….I ought to write for
Oooh! Show time! My public awaits!
Am watching backstage – Christine really does look like a stone fox tonight in that little off the
shoulder number. I wonder if it would be a minor breech of social etiquette to shag her
La la la la! Back in lair with Christine and everything is gonna be fab. Raoul is drowned and
Piagi has finally made himself useful as a chandelier cushion. EXCELLENT work!
Of course, now that the opera house has burned down it leaves me in a bit of a bind career
wise but am sure everything will work out for the best.
Tried to interest Christine with Ikea catalogue but she is being all moony and drippy and sad.
Gawd! All I’ve done is burn down her home, kill everyone she loves and forced her into a life
of captivity married to a deranged, deformed homicidal maniac! I think she’s being a bit of a
baby. Never mind. Will just get her into wedding dress then everything will be alright.
Gahhhh! Raoul didn’t drown. Grrrr. I know! Will torture him to death! Surely witnessing her
lover’s slow and painful demise will snap Christine out of this mood she’s in!
Oh, bloody hell, Christine! Please don’t kill him, Phantom, please let me go! WAAH
WAAAHHHH WAHHHHH!!!! Do I really want to listen to that for the next forty years??!! At
least I got a smooch out of her and turns out she’s got a thing for parmesan cheese just like
Carlotta. Ewwwww! If we got married I’d need to buy shares in Listerine or something. Sod it,
will let them go and play with dolls instead. Sappy sap saps deserve each other. Will go make
self a Bloody Mary.
Ha ha! Cymbol playing monkey! So hilarious.
Uh oh! Lair is about to be invaded by rampaging torch carrying pitchfork wielding yokels.
Bloody HATE it when this happens. Will escape through secret mirror and possibly take
Extreme Makeover people up on their offer after all. Now I think about it, Hollywood is
definitely the town for me. Definitely. Will perhaps give that Internet dating a burl too.