The Secret Diary of the Phantom of the Opera Very, very depressed today. New theatre owners are sadly both irretrievably stupid and have very bad hair and will both quite possibly need to be offed without delay. Also, lair décor is starting to get me down – it is so mid-century. Waiting for new Ikea catalogue but it hasn’t arrived yet. I know what will cheer me up! I’ll go and drop things on Carlotta’s head. Direct hit! Go me! Bloody silly whinging cow, and will you look at them all grovelling! Why in the world anyone would want to keep her around complete baffles me. Her voice sounds like a cat being strangled. But what would I know?! I’m just a musical genius after all. Ooooh, look at Christine bobbing about in her little slave girl outfit! I feel a little bit funny…like when I slide up and down the ropes above the stage… Hurrah! They’re letting her sing in the show! About time too. Hmmm. I wonder who that drippy looking bloke that she keeps making gooey eyes at is. Will have to find out. And possibly off him too. Later Show was a rather marvellous success, except that stupid drip Raoul (Raoul! What kind of a bloody name is that, it sounds like a noise you make when you’re throwing up for crying out loud) was not only sitting in my box but kept making gooey eyes at Christine all the way through. It nearly made me sick! Yep, am definitely gonna have to off him. It’s not that I enjoy killing people, really it isn’t – people just keep popping up who need to be killed! I find it quite traumatising, to be really honest. Am feeling a bit down now. Think I’ll go and watch Christine undressing through her mirror. She still hasn’t cottoned on that I’m there yet, even though this one time when she was taking a bath a got a bit carried away when I was… Anyway. ARRRGGGGHHHHH! Drippy Raoul bloke with bad hair was IN CHRISTINE’S ROOM! Apparently they knew each other when they were kids. Lord, I hope they didn’t play doctors and nurses, that would just be TOO WEIRD. I think he’s asked her to go somewhere with him – this is BAD BAD BAD. Will have to put paid to it right now, before he gets into another box of mine. Once Christine is overwhelmed by my rugged masculinity she’ll forget all about Raoul. Later Plan worked an absolute treat – she was so overwhelmed by my rugged masculinity that she passed out. Well, I’m pretty sure it was my rugged masculinity that did it, she might have got a bit close to the toilet and I haven’t gotten around to cleaning that in a while. Perhaps should have, especially after last week’s tummy upset. Think will just play with Opera voodoo dolls until she wakes up. Oooh! I see movement behind the curtains! GAAHH! All went tits up, as it usually does. She took my mask off and I really hate it when people do that. Wish I hadn’t lost my temper like that though – it wasn’t like she was going to laugh at me and beat the crap out of me like the people at the sideshow, but you never can tell with girls. Have sent her away, and she’s probably gone straight to shag drippy Raoul. Am going to die alone. ALONE! Will think of ways to make it up to her.
I know! I will kill everybody else in the opera so she’ll be the only opera singer left in Paris! Or…I could just write some letters to irretrievably stupid theatre owners and get them to give her the lead roll in the next show. Yeah. That’s a better idea. Next Day Off to check mail now. GAHHH! No Ikea catalogue, just another bloody letter from the Extreme Makeover people. When are they going to get it through their heads that I don’t want to be on their stupid show??!!! Anyway, have sent out letters to all the repugnant vestibules on the sphincter of society that inhabit this bloody stupid theatre. Note to self also - write letter to Uncle Maurice and thank him for the Big Book of Vile Insults that he sent me for Christmas. Has much improved all of my correspondence. A damn sight better than the boring socks and underpants Mme Giry sends me every year. Later Heee heeeee heeeeeee!!! Look at them running around like headless chickens! Honestly, sometimes it’s great being a deranged genius. Oooh! Best get ready for show and witness Christine’s moment of triumph. Wait a minute… This CANNOT be happening! Breath slowly…..count to ten. Gah! Carlotta singing! Cannot contain insane homicidal urges much longer! May have to go and off someone, possibly Raoul or that guy in Seat 12 with the really bad tie. Need Bloody Mary to calm nerves. No! Mustn’t….mustn’t! I know! Will go mess about with Carlotta’s breath freshener (with all the parmesan cheese that woman eats I hope it’s industrial strength) – not quite as good as cutting the whining bint’s head off but will still be fun. BWAAA….BWWAAAAHHAAAAAHHAAAA! Now put Christine on, you useless festering sacks of turgid sheep excrement! Oh good, they’re going to go and get her frocked up. Problem is that I really can’t contain these homicidal urges much longer. Will have to and kill the guy who makes the curtains go up and down, I’ve never been able to stand him. Oops. Curtains guy has just made an unscheduled appearance onstage. Guess his career is now….curtains! BWWAAAA HAAAAHHHAAA! Sometimes I even crack myself up! Hang on….where’s Christine gone??? Next Day WAAAAAHHHHHH! WAAAAAHHHHHHH! DOOOOOOOM!!!!! Cannot bring self to relate what was witnessed last night, but suffice to say I really need a hug
and the problem with being a deranged homicidal maniac means that nobody will bloody well give me one. So will just have to be satisfied with reeking revenge on them both that will possibly end, or at least ruin, one or both of their lives. Have made a little voodoo doll of Raoul and am amusing self by cutting it’s head off. Amusingness is undiminished by repetition. Anyway, am so over her. Was ready to move on anyway. WAAAAHHHHH! Christine, Christine, how could you DO this to me??!!! Tongues and everything! Ewwerrghhsffesass!!! Will go and check mail. Perhaps Ikea catalogue has finally arrived and can go and cheer self up by selecting new shelving units and such. Nope. Sniff. Seems like everybody hates me today. Perhaps should not have called postman an ugly swamp rat with the intelligence of a picture frame the last time I saw him. Dammit! Am going to throw Big Book of Vile Insults away, it’s ruining my life. Anyway, all this crying is making my mascara run. Must pull myself together. Once people see me going soft they’ll start to disobey me and then running this place will be nothing but work, work, work. The big question is, though, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? A Blood Mary is the only thing to get the day back on track. It’s almost afternoon. Next Day Stupid Masquerade Ball. I know they only do it to make fun of me. Expect Mme Giry will be down in a minute. She comes down every year to borrow one of my masks. But since I saw her making gooey eyes at Raoul (what IS it with women and silly bad haired fops?) she can bloody well sod off and buy one like everybody else. Anyway, little do they know that tonight I unveil my master plan to take over the theatre, rule the world and….well…okay, just piss everybody about a bit basically. Hmmm. Do these red pants make my bum look big? They’re definitely starting to look a bit tight, perhaps it’s time to ease up on the cheese cake. I know! Will just conceal it with cape! Marvellous! Am a bit early, anyway. Will go and make another Martini then amuse self with Christine and Raoul voodoo dolls I have made. Raoul! Get away from me, you stupid bad haired fop! But, Christine, I love you! I don’t care, Raoul, I’m going to have Phantom’s babies and get breast implants. So there! Come here so I can hit you! Bash bash bash! Yes, it’s very childish and stupid but highly amusing and this Martini is going down beautifully. Will make another one then will definitely go. Should not obsess, anyway. Will just stop thinking about it. Just for tonight. WHY DOESN’T CHRISTINE LOVE ME? WHY? WHHHYYYYYYY??!!!! Oopshy. May ave made that last Martoonie a wee bit strong. Room spinnin. Shlure it won’t matter if I ave anudrer one but! Gor, better go or am gonna be late. Blurry stairs! Feck! Fell over…. At Ball
Looksit all the blurry stoopey woopey masks. Mine best. Am besht looking bloke here easy peasy. Cor….everything v pretty. Swore real burlliant. Lights! Lights! Ooooops…feel like am gonna throw up. Will hand over shtoopid opera to Fat Bastard and gettitout sharpish like RIGHT! Oooooo-er Christine looks foxy. Bosom magnificent. Tranfixiating. Dress…sparkly. Sparkly sparkle! Gak…nearly fell down shtairs cor blimey. Pip pip! Mmmm I wunner who that cute girl wit Christinishhh…..? Blurry hell! Is Raoul! Oh, God, ave drunk enough to maggim look good. Time to go back to lair…. Next Day Mean fecking hangover. Really need some aspirin but am taking Christine to visit her father’s grave. After I put the fear of God in her and possibly get my leg over I will come back to the lair and have a little sleep. Gak! Bouncy carriage is doing me no good at all. Need to be someplace quiet and dark with my head over a bucket. But this is essential part of plan since Christine has BIG TIME daddy issues. Wish head would stop feeling like it’s gonna explode though. Will just hide out in this tomb until…. Gahh! Is Raoul. Stupid fecking eejit! Am gonna off him now. Buggar! Got a bit of a head spin cause of hangover and fell on my arse during duel. Not a good look in front of Christine, especially when trying to come across as a suave, debonair homicidal maniac instead of just a normal deranged one. She wouldn’t let Raoul kill me though. She does fancy me! I bloody well knew it! Must rescue her from a life of misery married to a useless bad haired…stupid….foppish….hmmmm. Had best go and retrieve Big Book of Vile Insults from the recycle bin. But first will go and lie down. Next Day Am so excited about opera. Have been deliberating over what outfit to wear. The open necked ruffly shirt/tight pants combo is an old favourite, but must do something about face as have got a zit on the good side – all this stress I expect. I dab of concealer ought to do the trick. Must look good on stage. Hmmm. I wonder if Raoul is plotting anything. A stupid foppish bad haired usless plot perhaps. Probably. Should plan escape route just in case. Oooh! Doorbell! Was just stupid postman with Ikea catalogue. FINALLY! Will read it tonight when Christine can help me pick out a new lounge room setting. I hope she won’t insist on something horrid and girly….like Raoul, for example. BWWWAAAA HAAA HAAAA! Geez….I ought to write for television. Oooh! Show time! My public awaits! Am watching backstage – Christine really does look like a stone fox tonight in that little off the
shoulder number. I wonder if it would be a minor breech of social etiquette to shag her onstage? Later La la la la! Back in lair with Christine and everything is gonna be fab. Raoul is drowned and Piagi has finally made himself useful as a chandelier cushion. EXCELLENT work! Of course, now that the opera house has burned down it leaves me in a bit of a bind career wise but am sure everything will work out for the best. Tried to interest Christine with Ikea catalogue but she is being all moony and drippy and sad. Gawd! All I’ve done is burn down her home, kill everyone she loves and forced her into a life of captivity married to a deranged, deformed homicidal maniac! I think she’s being a bit of a baby. Never mind. Will just get her into wedding dress then everything will be alright. Gahhhh! Raoul didn’t drown. Grrrr. I know! Will torture him to death! Surely witnessing her lover’s slow and painful demise will snap Christine out of this mood she’s in! Oh, bloody hell, Christine! Please don’t kill him, Phantom, please let me go! WAAH WAAAHHHH WAHHHHH!!!! Do I really want to listen to that for the next forty years??!! At least I got a smooch out of her and turns out she’s got a thing for parmesan cheese just like Carlotta. Ewwwww! If we got married I’d need to buy shares in Listerine or something. Sod it, will let them go and play with dolls instead. Sappy sap saps deserve each other. Will go make self a Bloody Mary. Ha ha! Cymbol playing monkey! So hilarious. Uh oh! Lair is about to be invaded by rampaging torch carrying pitchfork wielding yokels. Bloody HATE it when this happens. Will escape through secret mirror and possibly take Extreme Makeover people up on their offer after all. Now I think about it, Hollywood is definitely the town for me. Definitely. Will perhaps give that Internet dating a burl too.