THE SECRET LIVES OF COATS

THE SECRET LIVES OF COATS a coatcheck play with songs by Stephanie Fleischmann music by Christina Campanella 10/28/08 c 2008 PO Box 277 Columbiaville, NY 12050 cendrillon62@earthlink.net 718.986.0306 3 box-like booths in a row, each on casters. Connected by a string of telephone can phones. A mechanized coat rack on which other things sometimes hang extends behind all 3 booths. 2 offstage entrances on either side & one concealed behind the coat rack in the middle. A tiny door close to the floor in the half wall of Coatcheck Lila’s booth booths. Characters COATCHECK LEEANNE — late 20s, early 30s, originally from Minnesota COATCHECK LISETTE — Argentinian, early sixties COATCHECK LILA — mid to late 20s, from anywhere + MAN 1: Mr. Salami/Hollywood Man 1/Pino/Customer 2 MAN2: Mr. Frank/Mr. Robinson/Hollywood Man 2/Chef/Customer 3/Leeanne’s father WOMAN: everybody else Lots and lots of coats. Or not. LEGEND // = overlap bold = sung plain = spoken * = where counterpoint starts in a song ALL CAPS within song= backing vocals sing too 1 The coatcheck girls walk on, get settled in their respective coatcheck booths, tinker with their telephone can phones, switch lights on in unison. They give each other a signal with their eyes, and begin. To the audience: LEEANNE I am writing a book in my booth. 2 pages a night. She scribbles in her notebook. LISETTE I do not write, act, or sing. I check coats. LILA One day, I’m gonna get even with the memory banks of the world. I’m gonna shootem up and knock em dead. I’m gonna be a star. LEEANNE Atta girl, Lila! LILA winks. LILA But until then, I’m just a coatcheck girl. Waiting it out in my booth. All three shuffle their decks of coatcheck numbers. 1. HELLO BOOTH/SECRET LIVES LILA Hello boothie, Yep, back again Another long night of “take your coat?” LEEANNE Evenin’ booth So small and familiar Comforting, even, “take your coat” LISETTE Ola booth, mi cara booth There’s no place I’d rather be Just me and ciento numberless coats LISETTE: LILA: LEEANNE: GIRLS: Ola Evenin Hello Hello Another long night Of take your coat LEEANNE: // 2 pages a night. LEEA: I’m writing a book in my booth. LILA: I’m biding my time in my // booth LIS: I’m living my life // in my booth LILA: // All wound up, I’m ready to fight LEEANNE/LISETTE: She’s // biding her time in her booth LILA: // Hoping, waiting, holding on tight LILA/LISETTE: She’s writing a book in her booth LEEANNE: Two pages a night LILA/LEEANNE: She’s living her life in her booth 2 LISETTE: No place I’d rather // be LILA/LEEANNE: // but with her memory Add LISETTE: my memory LEEANNE (Spoken) It’s photographic GIRLS In the company of her/my numberless coats GIRLS And the lives they hold The secret lives Faint imprints of living souls What a coat could tell you What a coat does know The GIRL shuffle their coatcheck numbers. A small tin box marked TEA materializes in front of COATCHECK LEEANNE. She opens it. Steam rises. She reaches in and lifts a morsel to her mouth. LEEANNE Needs more salt. CHEF (from offstage) More salt, coming right up! LILA & LEEANNE sort out their cards, putting them in numerical order as they speak. LEEANNE There is a chef here who slips me delicacies. LILA There is a man who comes for dinner every Monday night. LISETTE & LEEANNE (Disparaging) Mr. Robinson. LILA Every Monday night he orders poached white asparagus and oxtail stew. He used to love me. Unconditionally. LEEANNE Maybe I lied. LILA Now he cannot for the life of him remember // my name. LISETTE // Ah, la memoria! LEEANNE About the 2 pages a night? 3 LILA It’s Lila. If I knew what would jog his memory— LISETTE My memory is photographic. LISETTE throws her numbers into the air. They flutter slowly down. LISETTE Or at least it was. LILA If I could just— LISETTE Blink and so. LEEANNE Lately I can’t stop thinking about foundlings. LISETTE And I remember. GIRLS: Hello boothie, LILA: O Mr. Robinson Another long night of “take your coat?” GIRLS: Evenin’ booth LEEANNE: When will my novel be done? All those pages unsung—[(spoken) oh, sorry!] (sung) take your coat GIRLS: Ola booth, mi cara booth LISETTE: Ah, la memoria! Just me and ciento numberless coats GIRLS And the lives they hold The secret lives Faint imprints of living souls What a coat could tell you What a coat does know What a coat could tell you What a coat does know What a coat could tell you What a coat does know What a coat could tell you What a coat does know (repeat) She produces a jar of buttons. Take your coat Take your coat Take your coat LISETTE rings a desk bell. [RING!] The COATCHECK GIRLS reach for the telephone cans in their booths—just part of the giant 4 telephone-can network linking up all the coatcheck girls in the world. LISETTE Hello? Coatcheck Lila. Come in, Coatcheck Lila. LILA Check. I’m in. LISETTE And what do you have to say for yourself hoy, Lila dear? LILA Hoy? LISETTE Si, hoy. LILA Oy. LEEANNE That’s today. Hoy. Coatcheck Leeanne checking in. LILA Hello, Coatcheck Leeanne. How’s it by you? LISETTE Hola, Coatcheck Leeanne. Que tal? LEEANNE Hello girls. What do the coats say today? The COATCHECK GIRLS hold up their telephone cans to the few coats behind them. Static. A few faint unintelligible whispers. LILA Sheesh. LEEANNE Too early of a night to tell. LILA tries again: whisper, whisper whisper LEEANNE (Scribbling) The secret lives of coats. Their presences. The faint imprints of living souls. I have a hunch that they may be the key. To this book I can’t seem to— To the family I wish I— At night I dream of coats. Of what they can tell me of who I am. Of who I was and will become. Of abandoned babies wrapped in the swaddling of pieces of old coats— LILA Leeanne! LEEANNE What!? 5 LILA You’re getting carried away—again. LEEANNE Oh. Right. I was, wasn’t I? It’s just— PINO Alioup! LEEANNE Quick! Hide the button jar! PINO Inspezione! PINO, the restaurant manager, has arrived: Big curlicued moustache, crisp white towel hanging over his arm, thick French/Italian accent. The COATCHECKs sit up straight as he makes his rounds, polishes LEEANNE’s cheek, straightens LILA’s collar. Shakes his head disparagingly at LISETTE. Oui oui, very nice… Passable. But justa barely! LISETTE Passable?! PINO My dear Coatcheck Lisette, CHOO have let me down. LISETTE Me?! But Pino I— PINO Just a piccolo matter of a diamond brooch! LILA What? LISETTE But I told you I— LEEANNE What is he—? PINO (To LISETTE) Choo and me, we have an appuntimento a la fin de la sera. [at the end of the night] Now, if you please… Coatcheck Manifesto! LISETTE Check every coat… 6 LEEANNE ….With a smile. LILA A coat on the back of a chair is not just slovenly… PINO It is… GIRLS Gratuitous. LILA (Under her breath) No tip, no coat. LISETTE & LEEANNE (Also under their breath) Lila! PINO What did she say? LEEANNE Nothing! LILA A coat that slips off its hanger is… LISETTE …Grounds for dismissal. PINO (To LISETTE) Justa like choo are grounds // for— LILA // Pino! PINO My pretty! LILA I am not your pretty! PINO But if you play your cards right… LILA Wrong! PINO …you could be! Heh heh. LILA Did you just accuse Lisette of— 7 PINO Manifesto, ho! Most importante of all… (silence) Ze customer… LISETTE (Reluctantly) Is never wrong. PINO Zat so, Lisette? LISETTE Si Señor, Pino, sir— Except when— PINO Zere can be NO exceptions! Nigunos! [None] Now, is zat all? LEEANNE No. It is not. PINO Ah hah! Lila? LILA Um…. LEEANNE A customer who— PINO Psst! LILA —Insists on um wearing his or her coat à table… LISETTE, LILA & LEEANNE … bodes ill for all! PINO Eggzactamundo! Carry on, carry on, and remember: (LILA apes the following:) My eyes are everywhere. LISETTE, LILA & LEEANNE His eyes are everywhere. 2. PINO’S SONG PINO (sings) In the quail’s yolk In the holes of buttons In mirrors compact It’s a fact In crannies and cracks 8 And the corners of Times Square My eyes My beady eyes— Si, certo! Are everywhere In snails, in chokes In the souls of mutton In ideas abstract In the back In the back Of my oily head, Which I oil with oil of feather bed My eyes My beady eyes Will catch you unawares! Alioup, alioup My coatcheck girls My eyes My seedy nutcrackered spheres They haunt your coatcheck antics Always calm Never frantic They haunt the unsettling silence at the end of the night In the quail’s yolk In the holes of buttons In mirrors compact It’s a fact At the bottom of your rotten coatcheck closet lair My eyes My beady eyes— Si, certo! Are everywhere PINO I vill be vatching you! PINO flips a white towel over his arm and exits. LISETTE rings her desk bell. Brrring! LISETTE Come in Coatcheck Leeanne, Coatcheck Lila! LILA Check! I’m in. LEEANNE Check check! I’m still here! LISETTE Thank goodness the coast is clear of that man. LILA 9 Good riddance, the oily lech! Now where were we? MR. ROBINSON enters. LILA Oh! Hello! Mr. Robinson! (Big sigh) LEEANNE Mr. Robinson? LISETTE (To LEEANNE) Ay, si, Mr. Robinson. LILA But this is very strange. Today is not Monday— MR. ROBINSON Monday? LEEANNE At least he got that right. MR. ROBINSON gives LILA his coat. LILA hands him a number. LILA Here you go, um— Sir. (Mr. ROBINSON just stands there.) Your number. MR. ROBINSON My…number. LILA For your coat. MR. ROBINSON My coat? LILA The one you used to wear on Monday nights before the boating // accident… LISETTE // Lila! MR. ROBINSON The wha? LILA You used to hold the door open for //me. We would— LISETTE // Lila! LILA I mean the coat you just. Handed over. To me. 10 MR. ROBINSON To who. MR. ROBINSON reaches in his pants pocket and hands LILA a salamander. LILA A salamander!? 3. SALAMANDER, NEWT, BULLFROG, TOAD MR. ROBINSON Salamander, newt Bullfrog, toad I see through a fog Wherever I go Fog in my head My empty bed Oxtail stew clears the frog in my throat MR. ROBINSON exits. LILA Mr. Robinson! LEEANNE His name is Tom. LILA At least it used to be LISETTE Four years ago. LILA When we used to dine together. Here, at La Grange. On Monday nights. Tom and me. Oh, he was a real gent, he didn’t care that I was just a lowly coatcheck girl from down-and-out New London, he was proud to parade me on his arm, brought me roses, made me feel like Grace Kelly. LISETTE Three years lost at sea… LILA A year of oxtail stew on Mondays… LEEANNE Four years is a long time… LISETTE …When you are young. But you be careful. Four turns into forty before you know it. LILA Lisette! LISETTE 11 I am sorry. But today is not even a Monday. And there you go again with your— LEEANNE Mooning. LILA Leeanne! LISETTE But then again maybe she is right. Something is off already tonight and it has everything to do with— LILA Mr. Robinson! LISETTE No. Not him. Last night’s lady with the diamond brooch. PINO and a WOMAN in a Persian Lamb coat appear. WOMAN It was her all right! Give it back to me you filthy // thief! . LISETTE // Thief!? PINO Da Verro! Oh, how it pains me, Lizette, your mind like a steel trap for ze coats— But choo have been accused! The WOMAN recedes. LISETTE But Pino, how could you think—? You know me for how long? PINO Ze customer is LISETTE Always… PINO Huh? LISETTE (Through gritted teeth) Never wrong! PINO Grrrr. GIRLS Grrrr. PINO disappears. LEEANNE That man is scary. 12 LISETTE Enough of him, mi niñas. It’s that time of night. Are you ready? Tip tip. LILA Tip LEEANNE Tip 4. TIPSY SEWING SONG LISETTE Y uno, dos, tres! Girls: Your coat Your coat Your coat Your coat for a tip [verse is repeated 4 x total; 2nd time on w/harmony] Lis: I’ll sew your button back on your coat If you wish me to Lila: I’ll sew on your button for a kiss Lis: That too LeeA: And I will sew your buttoned-up lips Tightly shutter, shudder Girls: And dare we utter We’ll unbutton your miss We’ll take good care of your abyss Girls: Your coat Your coat Your coat Your coat for a tip [verse is repeated 4 x total; then underscoring under following text] LILA (Speaks, sewing her name into the label of a black cashmere coat) Tip tip. I am a flip, a rag of a coatcheck girl. With lipstick on my lips. LEEANNE Tip tip. Buttons come unraveled. Pop off my coat. Underscoring out LEEANNE (She passes a coat.) Which is full of holes. LEEANNE makes a popping sound with her lips. LISETTE & LILA Holes!? 13