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					The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd   25/03/2008   21:01   Page 1

                                                                                    When was the last time you

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     ISSUE NO: 138                            ‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’                                      APRIL 2008
        The Edge, Chelmsford, CM2 6XD.   Telephone 01245 348256          Mobile: 077 646 797 44
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd   25/03/2008   21:20   Page 2
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd                25/03/2008       21:25                             Page 3

                                                 Why do we press harder on a remote-control when the batteries are low?                                                       Page 3
     Mrs. Edge

                                                         You c
                                                     a mu      ou
                                                          ch gr ldn’t get
                                                      than     eyer
                                                           Leng     ski o
                                                                thy B utfit
                                                          could      oy
                                                                you? ’s,

                                                                                                                                                                    PLUS GLASS
     OK, so we have been to the slopes snowboarding. But don’t get the wrong idea, readers, because although                                                        & METAL TILES
     we might look the part, we are honestly crap at it. Hang on, let me just rehash that statement. What I
                                                                                                                                                    The Stone House,
     meant to say is, I look the part. Oh yeah, a childish hat that’s far too young for me, plenty of pink cheeks
     and ginger stubble (yuk) and some truly hideous sunglasses for 20 quid from Boots. But hey, at least                                  Robjohns Road, Widford Ind. Estate,
     there’s a bit of colour to me, even if it is just a bit of bloody lime (ginger and pink). But look at ‘His                      Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 3AG. TEL: 01245 344 255
     Lengthiness’, if you will. He’s like John Major all over again. Surely a ‘greyer man’ you never did see?

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  The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd              26/03/2008       10:23     Page 4

JOANNA Page 4               Why do banks charge a fee for us having ‘insufficient funds’ when they know damn well that we’re skint?
                                                 works ‘don’t quite get’ how he’d ever    know, you might love it.                    less by comparison - it truly does.
                                                 choose to willingly go on holiday        But believe me, I do understand it’s        Living at altitude would also make
                                                 with “an older married couple”, as       not for everyone - perhaps myself           you naturally fitter, due to the fact
                                                 though we’re his bloody mum and          included. Yes folks, for the second         that there’s noticeably less oxygen.
                                                 dad or something, which we are)          time on such a holiday, I have              And you get pissed quicker, which is
                                                 went to Breckenridge, Colorado,          returned home nursing very sore             a bonus.
                                                 USA, the last week in February. It       ribs (maybe I’ve even cracked one           I definitely found my level this time
                                                 was my third time there, the wife’s      of them, only I honestly can’t be           around though. Oh yes, did I find my
                                                 second and Lengthy Boy’s debut.          arsed with all of the rigmarole of          level. And it’s colour is green.
                                                 Why Breckenridge?                        having an X-ray to find out).               I am ashamed to admit that I do not
                                                 Well, it’s absolutely first class for    But hey, you simply cannot deny the         ever see me progressing further
                                                 beginners, the snow’s good (some         sheer awesome (the Yanks are for-           than green runs (alternatively called
                                                 locals reckoned we’d had the best        ever saying the word ‘awesome’              ‘baby runs’ in skier/snowboarder
                                                 snowfall in 10 years whilst we were      and it totally gets on your tits, partic-   parlance). Me and The Length tried
                                                 there), it’s a picture-postcard town     ularly when you hear a proud mum            a blue run (the next stage up) whilst
                                                 and hell, it’s 10,000ft up (by com-      saying it of her offspring, simply          we were in Breckenridge, but I just
       The Edge Editor’s Column                  parison, Ben Nevis in Scotland is        because it’s managed to get down a          kept on falling over out of sheer
      No prizes for guessing where I’ve          4,400ft whilst Snowdonia (Yr             couple of steps on its own) beauty          fright, I think, whilst my 15 year jun-
      been, then.                                Wyddfa) in Wales stands at 3,560ft).     of mountains covered in fresh snow          ior was all for giving it another go.
      Correct. Up on the slopes, although        To be honest, it quite literally takes   with the sun beating down on you.           Bollocks to that.
      in my own particular case, you may         your breath away - we started puff-      Oh Christ, does it feel good. It feels      Blue runs = Brown pants (so far as
      as well make that slope (singular)         ing carrying our holiday bags up a       sooooo damn good. Maybe it’s the            yours truly is concerned).
      for anything else would make me            short incline soon after arrival, but    altitude? Maybe it’s the fact that          Come to think of it, I might not ever
      sound as though I was an accom-            then you really should see what the      you’re closer to the sun (hang on,          strap a snowboard to my feet again,
      plished skier/snowboarder who ‘got         wife packs. What’s more, you cur-        that’s the same thing, isn’t it?). I        but that simply wouldn’t stop me
      around on the piste a bit’, which I        rently get an excellent rate for dol-    don’t know. But it just makes you           taking one of these gorgeous winter
      unfortunately do not.                      lars against pounds sterling, not to     feel like you’re on another planet.         breaks because they are (unfortu-
      But hey, that doesn’t stop you enjoy-      mention all of the other stuff you can   So, y’know, maybe do a snow-shoe            nately), erm, awesome.
      ing yourself and this particular piece     do that I don’t think Europe offers,     trek (they’ve come a long way since         Why hasn’t Chelmsford got snow
      is dedicated to all those of you who       such as Husky sledding - but more        people used to strap tennis rackets         covered mountains in the back-
      haven’t yet given a ‘powder holiday’       about that later (see page 9).           to their feet), or perhaps a nature         ground? Why is there only bloody
      (that’s what they call it, those that      Of course, some of you might say,        trek on skis (after all, you don’t have     sky (and grey sky for the vast major-
      can do it, only doesn’t it stick in your   “What’s the point in going on a ski-     to be able to ski to shuffle on skis in     ity of the time)?
      throat in an ‘ugh’ sort of way, folk       ing/snowboarding holiday if you’ve       a horizontal fashion, do you?).             Being on mountains covered in
      calling snow ‘powder’?) a go, partic-      absolutely no interest in doing          The Edge can almost guarantee               snow makes you feel so alive.
      ularly if you’ve got kids, because the     either?”                                 that you’ll love it.                        So get your 2009 winter holiday
      younger they are, the quicker they’ll      To which The Edge would respond,         I am missing it big time. It’s probably     booked now via Edge Travel etc.
      learn and leave you standing/gaw-          “How do you know unless you give         ‘the sheer scale of life’ you feel
                                                 ’em both a go?”                          when you’re out there, before com-
                                                                                                                                      THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD
      ping in their wake.                                                                                                                    01245 348256
      Me, the G.L.W. (good lady wife) and        Have a lesson or two immediately         ing back to bloody Chelmsford,
                                                 and see how you get on. You never        which seems kind of ickle and point-
      His Lengthyship (people where Matt


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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd                 25/03/2008        21:01    Page 5

           Why do we take it as read that there are over four billion stars in the sky, yet check whenever we see a ‘WET PAINT’ sign?   Page 5

                                                                Trotter Update
                                                              Following that visit The Length and I paid to
                                                              New Barn Farm (see March Edge) to wade in
                                                              mud and see the ickle piglets and buy some
                                                              chops and sausages made from ickle piglets
                                                              once they’ve fattened up a bit, The Edge can
                                                              now report that they, poor things, taste
                                                              absolutely brilliant (sad, but true).
                                                              What I mean is, they don’t taste like super-
                                                              market pork chops at all (they’re far meatier
                                                                                                                   0800 633 5122
                                                              and much less watery) and absolutely zero fat
                                                              came out of the sausages, which Mrs Edge
                                                              thought was “right proper amazing”.
                                                              So for free range pork, look no further than
                                                              Pauline and Trevor Robb’s piggery at West        NEW EMAIL ADDRESS
     Go See George
                                                              Hanningfield, just outside Chelmsford, folks.
                                                              Come to think of it, they also have chickens           It is now
                                                              and cows, so you might want to take that into
    And now for a public information announcement             consideration too when placing your order.
    from The Edge: For stamps and to weigh pack-              Or you can just go for a walk around with the
    ages and send ’em to people and stuff, why not go         family in the mud, but do make sure you take                and
    see George in Moulsham Street?                            your wellington boots.
    Yes folks, the Moulsham Street Post Office is on                  New Barn Farm, Blind Lane,    
    ground level and, if there are no Traffic Warden’s                      West Hanningfield.
    about, you can generally do a crafty one and park             Tel: 01245 257346 or 0781 466 3585
    right outside the door (try doing that out the front of
    W. H. Smith in Chelmsford High Street).
    What’s more, there generally aren’t any queues
    which snake a mile long, so you can get in and out
    without it affecting your life to the detriment too
    And, if all that wasn’t enough, you even get a cheery
    ‘Hello’ and a ‘How are you today, bloke/madam?’
    thrown in at no extra cost.
    Yes folks, Moulsham Street has still got one of those
    proper Post Offices, just like there used to be in ‘the
    olden days’, before the buggers started to get shut
    down. So hey, why not make the most of it?

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd           25/03/2008      21:22     Page 6

     Page 6                                        How come glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the bottle?

                                                           WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE?

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                                                                     “Fitness Found’s Chris Elms in the ‘Frozen Ice Bar’ in Lech, Austria.”
                                                            Lech, in Austria, and is by far one of the most glam-          beers) and peoplewatch. Look hard enough and
                                                            ourous places I have ever skied, reports Chris                 you’ll even spot the odd celebrity.
                                                            Elms. In fact, it’s probably more famous for being             Lunch was always an interesting time with many
                                                            the resort where the movie Bridget Jones was                   holidaymakers spending between £200-£300 on
                                                            filmed. It’s full of Gucci clad, champagne guzzling,           champagne alone, up high on the slopes, before
                                                            fur coat wearers who are intent upon looking good              skiing down and getting stuck into some more Dom
                                                            both on the slopes and off them.                               Perignon during après ski time as early as three in
                                                            The slopes themselves are extremely wide and                   the afternoon. In fact, between 3pm-5pm turned
                                                            tend to consist of mainly blue and red runs. They              out to be the ideal time to ski as all the rich mup-
                                                            could definitely do with having some more black                pets had cleared off for the day.
                                                            runs, although I guess most visitors to Lech don’t             The ‘Frozen Ice Bar’ proved a very impressive dis-
      18 Duke Street (opp. County Hall Car Park)            want to fall over and get any of that pesky snow all           covery half-way up a mountainside. It proved a per-
        Tel: 01245 499114
                                                            over their brand new Prada ski outfits.                        fect place to chill, enjoy a beer and catch up on The
                                                            Everything in Lech is the best and there isn’t a sin-          Edge. Everyone sat around on blocks of ice that
                                                            gle hotel that’s less than 4-star in standard. The             had bottles of - yes, you guessed it - champagne

     DEATHBED                                               restaurants too offer some of the best food I’ve
                                                            ever tasted, whilst the bars and clubs were all
                                                            extremely busy and had very few ugly people in
                                                                                                                           inside! It’s best to just have the one drink though,
                                                                                                                           otherwise it really can start to get expensive, with
                                                                                                                           champers costing up to 900 euros (nearly £700).
                                                            them. Damnit, even the chair lifts had heated seats            Would Lech suit you?
                                                            - and I do mean ALL of them!                                   Well, you certainly need to be able to ski, because
                                                            Lech’s also a great place to simply sit with a                 unless you’ve got a couple of £million in the bank
                                                            Gluhwein or Desperado (both very nice French                   (to shop with), there’s not a lot else to do.

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd    25/03/2008   21:22   Page 7


                        JAMES BRYAN
                                The Meadows   Chelmsford   Telephone: 01245 357766
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd   25/03/2008    21:22    Page 8

     Page 8                                        Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

                                                                          Reared on Potatoes & Gravy
                                                                      This is localish boy (did someone        Where were you born? Colchester
                                                                      mention his Polish ancestry?) Jan        Hospital, as opposed to Warsaw or
                                                                      (pronounced Yan) of Zagger Basic.        Krakow, if truth be told.
                                                                      In case you can’t find him anymore,      Best moment in your entire life?
                                                                      that’s because Zagger Basic has          That’d have to be when Maisy was
                                                                      now moved to number 26 Baddow            born, although if you asked the mis-
                                                                      Road from number 18 Baddow               sus, she’d obviously say it was
                                                                      Road. In short (and Jan’s not, he’s a    when she met me, and you can’t
                                                                      good height for a boy of his age and     blame the girl for that.
                                                                      descent, all things considered),         How long have you been a fixture
                                                                      that’s the first building on your left   at Zagger? Almost ten years in
                                                                      as you drive up Baddow Road to do        total, although I left to work for
                                                                      a sneaky bit of parking prior to mak-    Puma in the City for four years, but
                                                                      ing a purchase from any door lead-       Chris couldn’t cope without me.
                                                                      ing into the 5-door Zagger empire.       Favourite food? Hmmm, that’d
                                                                      In Jan’s new store you will find more    have to be an American Hot Pizza
                                                                      brands (more space = more gear)          from Pizza Express, or potatoes

                                                                                                               and gravy if I’m back home visiting
                                                                                                               the folks. Or pie and mash when I’m
                                                                                                               down the old Boleyn Ground.

       Yet another EDGE has
                                                                                                               Favourite eating-out venue in
                                                                                                               Chelmsford? Prezzo and San.
                                                                                                               Favourite local pub? It has to be

        just hit-the-streets!                                                                                  O’Connor’s. They serve the best
                                                                                                               drop of Draught Guinness in Essex.
                                                                                                               Have any Hammers’ players visit-
                                                                                                               ed Zagger? Oh yeah. We advertise
                                                                                                               in their programme - that’s all down
                                                                                                               to me, is that - and it’s brought in
                                                                                                               punters from Clacton right the way
                                                                                                               down to the East End. Mark Noble’s
                                                                                                               been in, Matthew Upsom, Lucas
                                                                                                               Neill and even Curbs came in for a
                                                                                                               whistle the other week.
                                                                                                               How do you relax? That’s a bit of a
                                                                                                               personal question, isn’t it? Well,
                                                                           Jan Pieckielon-Attrell              there’s my X-Box 360 and my
                                                                      than he had before, including AMQ,       Nintendo Wii for starters.

                                                                      Belstaff, True Religion, Evisu,          Keep the rest to yourself, Jan.
                                                         the          Victorinox, Lyle & Scott, Stone
                                                                      Island etc. etc. etc.
                                                                                                               And what about your favourite
                                                                                                               music? Oasis, James Morrison,

                                                ave                   But you’re not interested in all that,
                                                                      are you, readers?
                                                                      ’Course you’re not.
                                                                      What you want to know is whether
                                                                                                               Waistline? Thirty four on a good
                                                                                                               day, or 36” after a Sunday lunch or
                                                                                                               a full English breakfast.
                                                                      Jan’s body really does taper away        Favourite TV programme? Moving
                                                                      like that of a tadpole’s, as the evi-    Wallpaper and Dexter.
                                       Chelmsford’s Only              dence of this photograph would           Favourite radio station? There’s
                                                                      seem to suggest (let me tell you,        only one - Essex FM.
                                           Pole Dancing               readers, it took a three hour photo      Favourite movie? Die Hard.
                                              Nightclub               shoot and one helluva lot of             Favourite book? Layer Cake.
                                                                      phamaldehide to get Jan looking          What car do you drive? Ha. I
                                        OPEN: Thursday, Friday        this good). Furthermore, you natu-       don’t. I have actually failed my driv-
                                          & Saturday 8pm-2am          rally must want to know what makes       ing test ten times, but I reckon an
                                                                      the boy tick.                            Aston Martin would suit me when I
                                         Free Admission before        Speaking of which, have you spot-        do eventually get through.
                                               10pm (£5 after)        ted that Big Benlike timepiece on        What aftershave do you wear?
                                                                      his wrist? Christ, you’d have no         Molton Brown Cool and Polo Sport,
                                             Topless pole dancing     excuses for being if you owned a         but not at the same time.
                                              every 10 minutes at     watch like that, would you? God          Favourite holiday resort? The Old
                                                  no extra charge     only knows how loud the alarm is.        Village in Vilamoura, down in The
                                                                      Apparently it’s a T.W. Steel that        Algarve. It’s brilliant. We’ve stayed
                                               Fully Nude Private     retails at £285 at (where else?)         there quite a few times, actually.
                                               Dances ONLY £10        Zagger.                                  What sort of dog do you see
                                                                      So anyway, here’s a bit about Jan,       yourself as, were one to be
                                                    Dress code:       just to help you get to know the lad     shaved and stood at a bar drink-
                                                   smart/casual       a little better.                         ing Guinness? St. Bernard.
                                                                      He’s 31, Polish (has The Edge            Do you have any nasty little
                                                        OVER 18’s
                                                   strict door I.D.   already mentioned that?) and has         habits? Funnily enough, I do enjoy
                                                                      been married to Michelle for “eight      a good rummage around in the old
                                                                      long suffering years”. They have a       nostril department.
                                     Opposite Chelmsford              delightful little daughter called        Finally, if you didn’t work at
                                         Railway Station              Maisy, who’s three, named after all      Zagger, what would you be? I’d
                                                                      those maisy runs Joe Cole used to        be a comedy script writer, but that
                                TELEPHONE: 01245 349262               go on when he was down at The            Gervais keeps nicking all my ideas,
                                                                      ’Ammers, prior to defecting.             the fat bastard.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd            25/03/2008       21:22     Page 9

                                                              Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?   Page 9

                       Husky Sledding
    Check this out, readers.
    This is my little baby in total control over a bunch of rabid wild animals.
    Yep, it’s Mrs Edge steering a pack of farting, shitting (they really do as they
    bustle along) husky dogs through a proper winter wonderland.
    I mean, is this picture postcard perfect, or what?
    ’Course, it’s not a patch on whale watching just off the coast of Hawaii (just
    thought I’d slip that one in for good measure, ’cos it genuinely is the
    absolute best to be up close and personal to ‘right big sardines’). But hey,
    if you don’t experience these things, you’re never gonna know what floats
    your boat, are you?
    Y’see, some folk like free-fall parachuting and all of that malarkey, and good
    luck to them.
    All I’m saying is, this was a pretty perfect moment in life, that’s all.
    We work hard enough, don’t we? What’s more, we spend a bloody long
    time working too, I’m sure you’ll agree?
    So is an hour of sheer fantasy allowed every now and again?
    The Edge thinks it is.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd             25/03/2008          21:23    Page 10

     Page 10                                               If we evolved from apes, how come there’s still apes?

                                                                                                  Undercover Dining at
                  i                                        E sex
                                                           Es                                SMITHS OF SMITHFIELD, LONDON.
                                                                                       I know I shouldn't, especially after my terrible
                                                                                       experience on Masterchef last year, but I
                                                                                       absolutely love Johns Torode's restaurant
                                                                                       Smith’s of Smithfields, writes Faye Cullinane.
                                                                                       I must have eaten there about half-a-dozen
                                                                                       times, mostly for lunch, and it’s really easy to
                                                          Essex your        stop
                                            Dining Out In Essex is your one stop
                                                                                       get to from Chelmsford. Just take the tube to
                                                                                       the Barbican from Liverpool Street and it's but a
                                                    est restaurants across Ess x.
                                            of the best restaurants across Essex.      five minute walk alongside the famous meat
                                                                                       market (which is meat as in beef, lamb, chicken
                                                                                       etc. and not anything else).
                                                                                       Everytime I go there, I never choose anything
                                                                                       other than the lucky squid with chilli jam to start, which is fantastic - as are

                                               Now reaching over
                                                                         “             all the homemade soups and the salt cod fritters.

                                               No re          ov                       Torode has got it so right at this restaurant. There are four floors in total. The
                                                          ers every
                                               30,0 0 din ever
                                                 ,00                                   ground floor is café-style with ketchup and brown sauce bottles on the
                                               month across the
                                                 on      ross                          tables, serving full English breakfasts, meat pies, soups and burgers. Travel
                                                                                       up one flight and you enter the Wine Room with its marble bar. Here you
                                               Essex area alone.
                                                     area                              can drink 20 different wines by the glass and indulge in small British plates
                                                                                       of food and hot meat sandwiches served up on wooden chopping boards.
                                             Find us on:                               Last time I ate on this floor, I had hand cut ham and homemade piccalilli
         w.esse e taur     .com
                                                                                       with freshly made bread. Absolutely delicious.
                                                                                       Yet another flight of stairs takes you up to the Dining Room, which is
                                                                                       brasserie in style. This is where I ate the last time I visited Smiths and you
                                                                                       already know my starter, which I followed up with a pan fried fillet of pollack
                                     If yo are looking fo a restaurant web
                                        you are looking for restauran web
                                         ou              or                            (spelt correctly) with a poached egg, bacon lardons and a creamy mustard
                                                                                       sauce and curly kale. Then for dessert I opted for a cheese board, but other
                                                 you need to get web site up and
                                      everything you need to get a web site
                                      every                                            dishes on offer were the likes of sticky toffee pudding, white chocolate and
     Top Draw Media provides you with
     Top Draw       provides you
                                                                                       ginger cheesecake, chocolate and marscapone torte with poached plums
                                                                                       and oh such wonderful other delights. One of our party had the torte which
                                                                                       was really just a wedge of pure chocolate - I was surprised he got through
     are the keys to success.
     are     keys to                                                                   it all without being sick, but he even polished off his plums on the side as
     topdrawmedi                                                                       well. Then there was this other guy we went out to lunch with who was an
                                                                                       American and asked me to order for him. So he ended up with the squid
                                                                                       (surprise, surprise) followed by the ‘special of the day’ which was steak and
                                                                                       kidney pie with mash. He seemed more than pleased by my selection and
                                                                                       as he was a Yank, I thought I’d make him try something totally British.

         seabright’s barn                                                              That’s what I like about Smiths so very much; the fact that they offer such
                                                                                       good quality, fresh, hearty fayre, although there are lighter dishes if you pre-

          carvery & grill                                                              fer. Here’s just a snippet of what’s on their menu:
                                                                                       BREAD (£1)
                                                                                       Smiths of Smithfield Bread, Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar (Rosemary
                                                                                       Focaccia and Eight Seed Cob)
                                                                                       LARDER (£5.50)
                                                                                       Thai Duck Salad, Green Papaya, Herbs, Chilli Dressing, Roast Rice
                                                                                       Grilled Field Mushrooms on Toast, Poached Egg and Parsley Butter (V)
                                                                                       Foie Gras and Duck Liver Parfait, Onion Marmalade, Toast
                                                                                       Richard Woodall's Ham, Piccalilli, Soda Bread
                                                                                       STARTERS (£6.50)
                                                                                       New Season English Asparagus with Vinaigrette (Cold) or Hollandaise (Hot)
                                                                                       Portuguese Salt Cod Fritters, Mayonnaise and Lemon
                                                                                       Lucky Squid, Chilli Jam and Chinese Broccoli
                                                                                       SOUPS (£4)
                                                                                       Creamy cauliflower (V)
                                                                                       MAINS & GRILLS (£11.50)
      Why not book a seabright’s marquee party now?                                    Truffled Leeks, Jerusalem Artichoke Risotto (V)
      Ideal for weddings, hen parties, family gatherings,                              Smoked Haddock and Salmon Fishcake, Creamed Spinach and Dill
                                                                                       'Smiths'10oz Beef Burger, Mature Cheddar, Old Spot Bacon
      bithdays, anniversaries, christenings etc.                                       Spinach and Goats Cheese Pithivier with Roast Pine Nuts (V)
                                            Business Meetings                          MAINS & GRILLS (£12.50)
                                                                                       9oz Rib Steak, Chips and Mustard Mayo
                                            & Corporate Seminars                       Five Spiced Chinese Duck, Pak Choy and Oyster Sauce
                                            a speciality                               Crisp Belly of Pork, Mash Potato and Green Sauce
                                                                                       Daily Fresh Fish, Mixed Salad, Lemon and Olive Oil
                                            Superb 2-course carvery meal               DESSERTS are all £4.50 with the cheeseboard from Neals Yard being £7 -
                                            from £7.75pp midweek                       but then you do get half a box of Carrs Water Biscuits on the side and a
                                            from £11.95pp weekends                     huge big bunch of grapes.
                                                                                       Oops, sorry, I omitted to tell you about the very top floor. That’s where you’ll
      seabright’s barn                                                                 find Smiths a la carte dining with white linen table cloths. I must admit to not
      galleywood road, great baddow, chelmsford, cm2 8nb.                              having dined there, but a friend of mine says she prefers the steak on the
      telephone 01245 478033                                                           second floor, which is half-the-price to boot. However, I’d imagine it would
                                                                                       be lovely for a special occasion.
      You will find so much more at...                                                                   66-67 Charterhouse Street, London, EC1M 6HJ.
                                                                                       Tel: 0207 251 7950
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd    25/03/2008   21:27   Page 11

                                              CHAMPIONS             TUESDAY &
                                              LEAGUE               WEDNESDAY
                                              FOOTBALL               EVENINGS
                                              Special ‘deals on drinks’ from 7.30pm
                                              whilst the matches are in progress!

    Available for private hire                MONDAY’S: Student Night.
                                              The warm-up to clubbing!
                                              From 8pm ’til LATE.
    New bartender Atilla Iskifoglu has        All drinks £1.25*
    joined our team.                          FREE ENTRY*

    World no: 2 Mixologist & Flair
                                              THURSDAY’S: ‘Live Night’
                                              Different bands playing from 9pm
    Come down and see Atilla in action,       ’til LATE. FREE ENTRY.
    or log onto                               Listed bands: SOULBERRY JAM,           THE BRIGHTS, SOPRANOBAND,
                                              MANTANGO + more bands to be
    NEW SMOKING AREA: warm, com-              announced.
    fortable & relaxing with its very
    own Plasma TV! Visit               FRIDAY’S: Different promos
                                              playing each week. Every first and
                                              third Friday of the month TECH-LO
    NEW WEBSITE                               HIGH-FI - Playing House & Techno
    Visit www.bartoucan to see          9pm-3am*. Every last Friday
    everything that’s going on, or to         STATIC DELIGHT - Different night
    drop us an e-mail.                        every month - playing Vocal House,          “Bar Toucan offers a welcoming atmosphere,
                                              Electro & UK Garage 9pm-3am*.                 brilliant cocktails, a comfy environment &
    101 VICTORIA ROAD                         New Friday Night launching soon!               is simply a great place to relax!” - Runi
    CHELMSFORD                                FREE ENTRY
    CM1 1NZ
    TELEPHONE: 01245 255545                   SATURDAY’S: Once-a-month:                       Special Night from Korkus playing
                                              Hip-Hop, House, Electro, Techno,
                                              Baile Funk & Jackin’ Beats. Korkus
                                              DJ’s playing from 9pm-3am*
                                              ENTRY FEE MAY BE APPLIED*
                                              Other Saturday nights present DJ
                                              Rich Denman playing House &
                                              Electro, 9pm-3am* FREE ENTRY*

                                                                        GULSHAN INDIAN
                    (Above Bar Toucan)                                                 A La Carte sit-down restaurant
                7 days a week - 5.30pm-11pm                             Book a table from Monday - Thursday Noon - 2.30pm
               ADULTS £7.95 CHILDREN £4.95                                                5.30pm -Midnight
                   12 - 20 different dishes
                 WALK IN or BOOK A TABLE
                                                                                   RECEIVE A 25% DISCOUNT
               Take-Away Menu Also Available
                                                                              IF YOU BOOK YOUR TABLE AT LEAST
                                                                                   12 HOURS IN ADVANCE!
                                                                                       ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET
                                                                                      EVERY SUNDAY Noon - 9pm
                                                                                          (no booking necessary)

                                                                             32-33 New Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1PH.
                       Tel: 01245 259999                                         TEL: 01245 259017 / 494403
             101 Victoria Road, Chelmsford, CM1 1NZ.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd         25/03/2008     21:33     Page 12

     Page 12                    Why is it that no matter what colour bubble-bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

                         THE SWAN INN                                                    A Tax & Defences
                         @ HATFIELD PEVEREL                                     If you have the good fortune to be        average price of a pint at the time
                         The Street, Hatfield Peverel.                          reading this article whilst enjoying a    was 30p, the planned (indeed
                                                                                decent pint of beer in a pub, you         banned) increase still constituted a
           ‘Live’ Music in April                                                may have noticed that things are a
                                                                                little different from what you have
                                                                                                                          mere 10%, which is the same as the
                                                                                                                          rise implemented in many pubs last
                  Friday 4th April      GRAFFITI                                come to expect, writes David              month (20p on beer from a starting
                  Friday 11th April     BIG DOWN UNDER                          Sherman. That's it - your pockets         point of just over £2 at national
                                                                                are lighter than they would normally      averages for session beer).The
                  Saturday 12th April F R E E L A N C E
                                                                                be in such circumstances. Of              Chancellor's base increase was 4p
                  Friday 18th April     S TA K E O U T                          course, you don't need me, nor a          (less than 2%).
                  Friday 25th April     DICKIE HEART                            set of scales, to inform you of that.
                                                                                You are already well aware of it.         So what has changed - that we now
      ‘Jam Nights’ All musicians welcome. Just turn up, plug in & play!
                    Every Thursday with resident band LEGEND.                   And you probably like to think that       condemn the Chancellor for con-
                                                                                you are fully cognisant of the rea-       tributing less than half of the recent
      SKY TV          Fine Cask Ales          SETANTA SPORTS                    sons behind it.                           price increase - after years of the
                         Telephone: Chelmsford 380238                           But you’d be wrong.                       tax     burden     being      steadily
                                                                                                                          decreased in real terms? It is partly
                                                                                For many years, the over-taxing of        that the government no longer has
                                                                                beer has been a bug-bear of the           the guts to stand up to unreason-
                                                                                British drinker. It is true, of course,   able upward-only adjustments by
                                                                                that the taxation rate on beer is         big businesses. It is also the case
                                                                                higher here than in many other            that these businesses have become
                                                                                countries (about 35% of the bar-          better at manipulating the informa-
                                                                                room price of a pint, as against only     tion that reaches the public and the
                                              UB                                10% in France). It is also true that      means by which it comes to us.
                                         HE P
                                     WN T AR)
                                                                                the recent rise announced by the
                             ING)       UL                                      Chancellor is above the general           The breweries announce their

                    A SS (DOZ ATE (SING RS                                      rate of inflation, and that it is being   annual increases shortly before the
               IAN C TH HIS M FEW BEE                                           used in a misguided and ill-fated         budget, so that they do not filter
                  WI FTER A                                                     attempt to reduce social problems         through to the public until after the
                       A                                                        associated with excessive drinking.       Chancellor's bog speech. And,
                                                                                At that point, the relationship           whereas, the Chancellor makes his
                                                                                between fact and ‘media spin’             announcements live on television
                                                                                comes to an abrupt end.                   and has them picked apart by the
                                                                                                                          media, the breweries write discreet
                                                                                What is consistently missing from         letters to publicans giving well-

       A Warm Welcome Awaits You                                                the brewer's reaction to each year's
                                                                                budget is the fact that the proportion
                                                                                                                          rehearsed reasons for ripping off
                                                                                                                          the drinker and disguising it as a tax
                                                 Conservatory                   of the price of a pint going to the       hike.
                                                                                taxman was, prior to last month's
                                                 LIVE music LAST FRIDAY         increase, lower than at any time          And what reasons! The favourite
                                                 of EVERY MONTH                 since the days of the Heath govern-       whinge this year is that the bad har-
                                                 (more jazz than rock!)         ment. Every Chancellor since the          vest has led to an increase in the
                                                                                early 90s has pursued a policy of         price of hops. We may leave aside
                                                 A la carte restaurant on
                                                 first floor                    increasing beer tax by no more than       the facts that government subsidies
             PIE & PINT £6.95 on                                                the rate of inflation, yet every year     should mean that the price of a crop
       ST. GEORGE’S DAY/23rd APRIL!                                             pub prices show an increase in real       is not related to the harvest, and
                                                 8 beautifully appointed        terms, usually by at least 5%. One        that most drinkers do not remember
                 SUNDAY CARVERY                  en suite bedrooms (from £60)   does not need to be a chartered           asking brewers to start using so
                     £9.95pp                                                    accountant to deduce that some-           many hops in their beer. It may be
                inc. choice of 2 meats,          Fine selection of Youngs       thing other than the taxation must        better to ask brewers to pinpoint the
         roast potatoes & Yorkshire Pudding      traditional ales               be responsible for the increase.          last year in which a good harvest
                                                                                                                          resulted in a decrease in beer
                                                                                The reason for the irresistible rise in   prices.
                                                                                beer prices may be found by looking
                                                                                back to the days when a Labour            But here is the clincher. Some years
                                                                                government last held power in this        ago, the introduction of Progressive
                                                                                country. In January 1978, Allied          Beer Duty led to a real-terms reduc-
                                                                                Breweries (producers of Tetley's,         tion in the taxation paid by the vast
                                                                                Ansell's and Double Diamond, then         majority of breweries in this country.
                                                                                some of the nation's most popular          This was, of course, met by above-
                                                                                brews) announced an across-the-           inflation price rises by these self-
                                                                                board increase of 3p per pint. The        same breweries.
                                                                                government of the day simply told
                                                                                them that they were not allowed to        It therefore remains impossible to
                                                                                do so.                                    vote a brewery out of office.
          7pm!                                                                  It is true, of course, that beer was      Believe it or not, readers, David
                                                                                much cheaper thirty years ago, and        Sherman’s brother is called Ben
                                              Victoria Road, Chelmsford.        that 3p was, in the general scheme        Sherman. You know, like in the
      Riverside Inn                              Tel. 01245 266881
                                                                                of things, more significant than it
                                                                                would be today. However, as the
                                                                                                                          shirts. What were his mum & dad
                                                                                                                          thinking of?                 E.E.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd           25/03/2008        21:33    Page 13

                                                            Is there a day when sofas are not on sale?                                                    Page 13

            NHS Blood Test
    Recently, my GP sent me for a blood test,
    writes The Grumpy Goose. Despite my fear
    of needles and pretty much all things medical,
    I had no option but to comply. So off I trotted to
    St. John's third world hospital. I arrived and
    duly followed the signs that led me to what
    appeared to be a garden shed. At first, I
    thought I must have taken a wrong turning and
    wandered onto someone's allotment. But then
    I noticed a sign proclaiming ‘Blood Tests’.
    A mistake, surely?
    I approached the outhouse with trepidation.
                                                       The Grumpy
    There were six people standing outside; struc-       Goose
    tural engineers, perhaps, to warn all those
    approaching of the hazardous nature of the rickety structure? No, they
    were simply people queuing, outside, as the totally inadequate waiting
    room was full. Upon peering through the doors, I concluded that outside
    was indeed far preferable to the horrors of the inside.
    I subsequently made a hasty retreat and wondered if this was not an
    attempt by Mid Essex Health Authority to create a living museum of a
    bygone medical age. But isn’t St. John's a fully functioning NHS hospital?
    Such got me pondering what terrible sin St. John himself must have com-
    mitted to have such a place bear his name.
    I felt, not unreasonably, that my blood should be taken using 21st century
    methods in a 21st century medical facility, so I headed to a private clinic in
    Chelmsford’s London Road, where I was greeted by smiling faeces in a
    clean, modern environment with a waiting room offering sufficient comfort-
    able chairs. My anxiety receded and the extraction of my blood turned out
    to be almost tolerable experience.
    Now, I am not for one moment suggesting that everyone should avail them-
                                                                                             Getting bigger by being better
    selves of private medical services. However, the UK is one of the top ten                      Design - Planning - Installation - Completion
    wealthiest countries in the world, and we are all compelled to pay extor-              Windows, Doors, Fascias/Soffits (now with 20 year guarantee)
    tionate amounts of tax. A question, therefore occurs: where is all our                 Cladding, Garage Doors, Sliding Sash Windows, Bi-fold Doors,
                                                                                              Garage Conversions, Conservatories, Patios, Extensions.
    money? Who's got it? Certainly not the NHS, which is a total bloody dis-
    grace. Aren't all people entitled to receive a decent medical service? Or is     Local Office: 01245 426648 FREEPHONE: 0800 783 7040
    that the sole preserve of those of us fortunate enough to be able to afford
                                                                                              59 Haltwhistle Road, South Woodham Ferrers, CM3 5ZA.
    to pay for such - twice?
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd           25/03/2008   21:33      Page 14

    Page 14        Why do people constantly return to the refridgerator in the forlorn hope that something new will have materialised?

              Party!                                                                               CRUNCH

                                                                 on the square
                                                                 on the square
                                                                 on the square
                                                                                 Your editor might have returned           boys are all very excited ’cos they’re
                                                                                 home from the slopes with some            ‘going to play in the park’ and can
                                                                                 sore ribs, but that’s nothing com-        hardly contain themselves. So to the
                                                                                 pared to what local lass Katie            very top of the mountain we go.
                                                                                 Squire (of the Waltham Bistro)            I, as Group Manager, suggest we
                                                                                 came back with.                           ride through the park first, see what
                                                                                 Take it away, Katie, lass:-               they‘ve got to offer and what we
                                                                                 “Me, my little sis and some chums         think we’re capable of. So off we go
                                                                                 had booked up for what we were            with the boys still not overly
                                                                                 bargaining on being ‘the best’ snow-      impressed that the girls (me and
                                                                                 boarding trip ever.                       Lottie) are better than them, as we
          The perfect venue to celebrate                                         Eight of us headed off to my mar’n’-      take a few rails and kickers and get
     Birthdays, Engagements or Hen Parties                                       pars extremely nice chalet in a little    some 'decent air'.
                                                                                 village called Filzmoos in Austria.       Meanwhile, the boys really did need
      Choose from our Party menus                                                Its about 40 minutes from Salzburg        to improve on their styles’n’tecnics,
          or la carte menu
                  ca te
          or A la carte menu                                                     Airport and known for having really
                                                                                 great snow. Not only that, the skiing
                                                                                                                           in my humble opinion.
                                                                                                                           OK, cool, time to put the boys in
                     (minimum courses)
                     (m n
                     (minimum 2 courses)
                                                                                 and boarding was meant to be fan-         their place. I had 10 years boarding
           Book your celebration with us
           Book your celebration with us                                         tastic. It is surrounded by numerous      experience over them and being the
            and receive free entry into
            and receive free entry into                                          other       ski   villages   including    very competitive girl that I am, I
                                                                                 Schladming, Radstadt, Flachawinkl         thought it high time I really kicked
                                                                                 and Flachau to name but a few, so         some ass.
                                                                                 we were banking on every day being        “That second kicker in is mine,” I
                                                                                 a new, fun-filled adventure.              yelled. Six to seven foot of snow
                   Licensed until 3am
                   Licensed until 3am                                            Day 1: Feet-finding day. Jump on          piled high that’d offer some great air!
                Thursday 24th April
                Thursday 24th April                                              boards and head off for gentle burn       And boy, did I get some air alright.
                                                                                 around the slopes. All bar one of us      It’s true what they say, about time
                   ‘Gourmet Night’
                   ‘Gourmet Night’                                               had been boarding before, so we           going r-e-a-l-l-y s-l-o-w-l-y when
         courses fine wines inc. £35.00pp
       5 courses & fine wines inc. - £35.00pp                                     booked Zoe into ski/board school for      you have an accident.
                                                                                 the week and made plans for where         I took off and went flying rather high                                            we’d be riding the rest of the week -     through the sky. I remember think-
       Tel: 01245 505880
       Tel: 01245 505880                                                         all done over a few glue vines, of
                                                                                 course (lovely hot red wine drinks
                                                                                                                           ing, ‘I’ll land this OK in a minute or
                                                                                                                           two’ and then CRUNCH!
     E:                                 that sort you out good’n’proper).         I just lay there. I wiggled my left leg,
                Exchange Way, Chelmsford
              1 Exchange Way, Chelmsford                                         With me insisting my knowledge of         then my right, followed by my arms
                                                                                 the surrounding area was far greater      before breathing a huge sigh of
                                                                                 than anyone elses, I willingly made       relief. ‘Thank God for not being
                                                                                 myself Group Manager for the week.        paralysed’, I thought.
                                                                                 I thought: ‘Great. This is going to be    However, I was in a lot of pain, but in
                                                                                 wicked. Lots of snow, lots of sun-        my normal ‘Oh, I’ll be alright’ tone, I
                                                                                 shine, lots of clear blue skies, not to   quickly demanded a fag plus a few
                                                                                 mention the coolest of the Cool 8         minutes to recompose myself and I
                                                                                 Chelmsford boarders in town. Look         thought I’d be fine.
                                                                                 out Filzmoos, things could get            Ten minutes later: still not fine.
                                                                                 messy.’                                   So lil sis and James drag me on my
                                                                                 Day 2: Everyone was improving fast        snowboard to the side of the moun-
                                                                                 and having an awesome time. (See          tain, out of the way of the kicker.
                                                                                 readers, there’s that bloody word         “I’ll be OK,” I assure them.
                                                                                 again, so it’s hardly exclusive to        But James knows I won’t be and
                                                                                 the USA. E.E.) 'This sure beats           insists on getting some help.
                                                                                 working at the bistro,’ I thought.        Another 10 minutes go by and the
                                                                                 Day 3: The best start to the day so       fag has not helped one iota. The
                                                                                 far. Eight inches (f’narr) of snow        next thing I see is two lovely
                                                                                 overnight, clear blue skies and yet       Austrian piste guides who have
                                                                                 more lovely sun. Our destination:         come to my aid.
                                          Situated in picturesque
                                          Situated in picturesque                Flachau. Known for having one of          “Right, we’re going to air lift you off
                                          surroundings with a
                                          surroundings with                      the best board parks around. My           the mountain,” they explain.
                                          wonderful courtyard area,
                                          wonderful courtyard area,
                                          Regiment Way provides
                                          Regiment Way provides                      Only
                                          a warm and friendly
                                            warm and friendly                        94p
        Unbeatable discounts
        Unbeatable discounts              atmosphere for your
                                          atmosphere for your                         per litre
            for this year
            for this year                 wedding reception and
                                          wedding reception and
         Call for latest availability
         Call for latest availability     civil ceremony
                                          civil ceremony
                                          tel: 01245 362210
                                          tel: 01245 362210
                                          Regiment Way Golf Centre
                                          Regiment Way Golf Centre
                                          Back Lane, Little Waltham,
                                          Back Lane, Little Waltham,
                                          Chelmsford, Essex. CM3 3PR
                                          Chelmsford, Essex. CM3 3PR

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd            26/03/2008       10:12     Page 15

                         Why vacuum over a piece of string ten times, pick it up, look at it, put it down, and start all over again?              Page 15
    “WHAT?!” yells I. “Don’t be stupid.      my head as we headed straight for
    I’ll be fine.”                           an ambulance, she was. Bless.
    “No you are not,” they insist.           So on 8th January 2008 at 1.08pm
    “Shit, you can't air lift me,” says I.   precisely, I was shipped off to an
    “There’s no way mar’n’par will pick      Austrian hospital.
    up the bill (presumably a couple of      Three days later, having had
    grand) for that, and I’m certainly not   numerous X-rays, scans, more X-
    paying.”                                 rays, plus been hung from the ceil-
    Stupid cow. I hadn’t even sorted out     ing butt naked to have my body cast
    any insurance for this trip.             fitted, they eventually let me go
    And so, strapped onto a great big        ‘home’ (back to the chalet).
    inflatable stretcher with a ski guide    I spent a total of nearly five weeks in
    either end holding on to me, they        that bloody sexy body cast, which I
    towed me down the mountain, with         even wore out in Chelmsford a time
    my little sister boarding in front of    or two when the social occasion
    them to make the snow smooth so          demanded it.
    that there were no bumps for me to       There then followed six weeks of
    injure myself on any further. Singing    intense physio before I could even
    at the top of her voice to help keep     think of going boarding again.
    my mind off what was going on in         I will though, most definitely.
                                             Snowboarding is like a drug.
                                             However, I do appreciate that I am a
                                             very lucky girl and the whole ordeal
                                             could have been an awful lot worse.
                                             So many, many thanks to all of my
                                             dear friends, family and everyone
                                             else who has supported me and
                                             sent me their best wishes.
                                             The moral of this story is, make
                                             damn sure you take out insurance
                                             (Lengthy Boy?) prior to a winter
                                             sports holiday spent on the slopes,
                                             or at the very least get an E111 card
                                             to cover you while you’re abroad.
                                             Snowboarding is an absolutely bril-
                                             liant buzz, but like most things, I
                                             guess, you simply have to take the
                                             lows with the highs!

                                        The Weakest Link  Many property transactions form part of a        the signs of ‘buyer remorse’ early and min-
                                                          chain of related sales. Of course, a chain is    imise its effects. More importantly, we go to
                                                          only as strong as its weakest link and, as a     great lengths to ensure that a chain not only
                                                          national statistic, unfortunately one in every   remains intact, often by our involvement sev-
                                                          three chains will fall apart, often at the       eral links away, but also that the time
                                                          eleventh hour. This happens for a variety of     between finding a buyer and exchange of
                                                          reasons from one party's mortgage glitch to      contracts is reduced to the absolute mini-
                                                          an unpleasant surprise in another's survey or    mum.
                                                          title enquiries.
                                                                                                           Communication is the key, and we urge all
                                                          However, the most common factors affecting       our buyers and sellers to be as open with us
                                                          a chain breaking down is simply that the         as they can be so that we can use our skills
                                                          opportunity for one party or another to pull     to facilitate a sale that is as swift, productive
                                                          out on a whim exists and often extends to        and hassle-free as possible.
                                                          several weeks under the current property
                                                          buying system in the UK.                         Finding a buyer for your property is often the
                                                                                                           easy part, but selecting an estate agent who
                                                          Buyer Remorse is a recognised syndrome,          will ensure the sale actually goes through is
                                                          where buyers worry that they might not have      just as critical.
                                                          made the right decision and their commit-
                                                          ment wavers. Without any form of pre-con-
                                                          tract commitment, the problem is likely to be      The Estate Agent
                                                          with us for some time - even with the intro-
                                                          duction of the government's Home                     that works
                                                          Information Pack.
            Jo Williams - Director                        Well-trained estate agents are able to spot
                                                                                                                ...for YOU!
                                                                                                                   88 Duke Street
                                                                                                             Chelmsford CM1 1JP
                                                                                                             Tel: 01245 250222
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd    25/03/2008   21:35    Page 16

     Page 16                           How do those pesky dead bugs get into sealed picture frames?
                                                                                                                   I don't mean to be simplistic, but many
                                                                                                                   women, if they’re being honest, would
                                                                                                                   acknowledge that they prefer to be 'the
                                                                                                                   pretty one'.

                                                                                                                   After all, who, really and truly, would
                                                                             extÄÄç età{xÜ XÅ                      ever want to be the Posh Spice of their
                                                                                                                   relationship? It's not like I'm saying
                                                                                Male Grooming                      that every woman should rush out and
                                                                       Are you a man who is not afraid to          grab the first ugly guy they see.
                                                                       moisturise? Do you have a grooming          Hobosexual man isn't an unattractive
                                                                       routine? Are you, at this very moment,      chap, he just doesn't care whether he
                                                                       sporting one or more of the following:      wore ‘that top’ the last time he saw you
                                                                       fake tan/lip balm/non marriage-related      (in fact, he actually doesn't care if he's
                                                                       jewellery/man-bag?                          been wearing the same top for the last
                                                                                                                   three days on the trot, so long as it
                                                                       Then you, my dear, fall smartly into the    doesn't have any perceptible stains
                                                                       sweet-smelling category of the metro-       down the front) and the fact that he
                                                                       sexual. What’s more, you are not            hasn’t shaved this week is really nei-
                                                                       alone. With the UK cosmetics industry       ther here nor there. He scrubs up well
                                                                       seeing an eight fold increase in the        enough, but just doesn't see the need
                                                                       category of ‘men with a taste for con-      to go over-the-top, except on very
                                                                       cealer and guyliner’ since the year         'special occasions'. He's utterly naïve
                                                                       2000, it seems that more and more           to the purpose of all the lotions and
                                                                       British men are feeling the pressure to     potions in a lady's bathroom and if he
                                                                       conform to the Beckham ideal.               tried to nick his girlfriend's face pack,
                                                                                                                   he'd only burn his eyebrows off in a
                                                                       But do not lose hope - there is another     freak Veet accident. Again.
                                                                                                                   So all you single manly-men of
                                                                       If you are now, and will always remain,     Chelmsford, do not lose hope. You are
                                                                       a manly man - if you abide by the 'turn     suddenly trendier than skinny jeans
                                                                       'em inside out' law of pant cleanliness     and any day now you will be trampled
         IPL Permanent Hair Reduction                                  - if you are even, at this very moment,     upon as a herd of women flock to dis-
                                                                       yelling at this page: “I'm no bloody
              from as little as £40                                    metro man!” then I have something to
                                                                                                                   cover your charms.

                                                                       tell you (aside from: ‘It’s no good         Ladies, do not fear. These men are not
               BEFORE                         AFTER                    yelling at inanimate objects”).             as scary as they look (and I'm sure the
                                                                                                                   scruffy exterior will prove a jolly effec-
                                                                       You are a hobosexual. Yes, it's true,       tive anti-theft device). A lovely hobo
                                                                       you are a flaming hobo. But don't           man could be just the thing you have
                                                                       worry, it's really rather a good thing to   been looking for to help you find your
                                                                       be a hobo.                                  Happy Ever After.

                                                                       Wives and girlfriends countrywide are       And if his sporadic showering routine
                                                                       growing increasingly tired of sharing       actively offends you…
                                                                       bathroom space and mirror time with
       Book on Wednesday 16th April for these special prices:          their men. The toned, tanned and            Hell, there's always Febreze!
          10% OFF a course & 15% OFF multiple courses                  tedious footballer stereotype has out-
                                                                       stayed his welcome as women begin                    Hobo Man's
                                                                       to recognise the stubbly appeal of
                Skin Rejuvenation                                      hobo men.
                                                                                                                          Handy Translator

            Skin imperfections are removed and improved by                                                         Man-bag: Somewhat feminine looking
                      Energist VPLTM treatments.                       As with so many other really shallow        non-sports     bag     carried  by
      Sun damage and the effects of ageing can leave skin looking      lessons in life, we may take our lead       confidant/fashion-conscious/self-
                                                                       from the world of celebrities. After a      defence trained gentlemen.
       tired and aged. Yellow light can help by boosting collagen
                                                                       long-term relationship with that no
            production, smoothing our wrinkles & fine lines            good, low down, cheating ‘pretty boy’,      Metrosexual (or metro): An image-con-
                  and improving skin texture and tone.                 Jude Law, the tabloids are scandalised      scious well-groomed man with the
      Energist VPLTM is also proven to remove and reduce thread        that (cardboard actress and gossip          beauty regime of an insecure woman
            veins, rosacea, acne scarring /age and sun spots.          column regular) Sienna Miller has           and a wardrobe that looks like Top
                       £150 (normally £250)                            taken up with weedy Welshman Rhys           Man & GQ threw up in his room.
             with Derma Genesis Microdermabrasion                      Ifans. And how about Gwyneth Paltrow
      £200 (normally £315) available for a limited period only         going so far as to marry her scruffy        Guyliner: Manly eyeliner - made for
                                                                       Coldplay beau Chris Martin after years      men by men and in no way like eyelin-
           Universal Contour Wrap:                                     of dating the stunning, the wonderful,
                                                                       the beautiful Brad Pitt. And let us not
                                                                                                                   er. Much.
                  Buy TWO - get ONE free!                              forget supermodel Kate Moss and her         Hobosexual (or hobo): An image-igno-
           Collagenics, SmileQuest & Semi-Permanent                    continuing obsession with skanky            rant, un-groomed man with the beauty
                                                                       rockers. Speculation is rife that these     regime of…a man, and a 'wardrobe'
              Make-Up Clinics held once-a-month.                       women's insecurities are driving them       that he stores on his floor.
                         NEW CLINICS:                                  to seek 'inferior partners’. Well, much
                                                                       as I hate to challenge the experts, isn't   Rhys Ifans: Actor in greying Y-fronts in
            Hypnotherapy, Reflexology, Foot Clinic.                    it possible that these girls are simply     Notting Hill.
       12 Wells Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1HZ.                           sick and tired of sharing the spotlight
                                                                       with their men?                             Veet: Hair removal product.
       TEL: 01245 50 52 50                                    It’s certainly a strong possibility.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd           26/03/2008        10:12    Page 17

             When someone rams us in the ankles with a supermarket trolley and apologises, why do we say, “Oh, that’s alright”?     Page 17

           The Phoenix Rises
    Out of the flames, Masons Too restaurant (at the top of the old A12 in
    Chelmsford) rises once again this month, reopening on Tuesday 15th April.
    You may recall it was struck by fire towards the tail end of last summer
    when a tumble-dryer short circuited on the first floor. As a result, the first
    floor ceiling completely collapsed, the restaurant floor lifted due to the
    extent of the water damage, and, all in all, the interior of the building was
    pretty much a right-off.
    “Fortunately no-one was injured as it happened at the end of a busy
    Sunday shift,” said owner Matt Mason, “but the internal damage to the
    restaurant was extensive. It was certainly an awful lot worse than it looked
    from the outside, which pretty much remained unscathed.”
    At that time, the Chelmsford branch was outperforming every other Masons
    restaurant, so it was the last thing Matt foresaw.
    Since then, a £250k refurb has taken place, allowing Masons Too the
    opportunity to reproduce everything that proved so successful the first time
    around and improve upon those areas where they have seen fit. For exam-
    ple, an internal wall has now been completely demolished, so in future
    there will be a brand new reception area plus dining beneath the stars in
    the elegant conservatory.
    “The whole feel of the place is going to be warmer, softer and cosier, with
    some truly top end fixtures and fittings,” assures Matt.
    Naturally there’ll be a brand new menu too.

                                                                                                                              H’hey readers,
                                                                                                                         this is two year old
                                                                                                                    Luke Barber and already
                                                                                                          he’s reading The Edge, bless him.
                                                                                              Please keep these photo’s of your little un’s
                                                                                           coming in, alright, ’cos The Edge likes ’em a lot.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd    25/03/2008     21:36    Page 18

    Page 18       When attempting to catch something falling off a table, why do we always knock something else off as well?

                                                                                      Naked Ambition
                                                                        So, we finally bit the bullet and got     random strangers? Perhaps it's
                                                                        ourselves a swish new kitchen.            because I haven't been brought up
                                                                        Granted, it's cost us a small fortune,    in a particularly hippy environment:
                                                                        but it really does look ‘the business’    we all tended to keep our clothes on
                                                                        and, best of all, we can now fit more     when I was growing up in our house.
                                                                        than one person in it at a time. I        Or maybe it's because that on the
                                                                        must say, after all my moaning a          most recent occasions I've visited a
                                                                        couple of editions ago, about trades-     swimming pool in Chelmsford, it’s
                                                                        men, if you recall, I take it all back.   always been as a guest at the ever
                                                                        We found ourselves an absolute            so plush Cannons, where I was
                                                                        star in Leon Grant who contacted          treated to the luxury of private show-

            Time is Money...                                            me through The Edge. He did all of
                                                                        our plastering and tiling at the times
                                                                                                                  ers. Whatever the reason, it all felt a
                                                                                                                  wee bit alien to me as I wriggled

          Busy doing Business...                                        he said he would, at a reasonable
                                                                        price, and with a
                                                                                                                  around in my towel as quickly as I
                                                                                                                                   could and got the
                                                                        smile on his face                                          hell out of there
          We understand this - which is why we offer                    too. So, I guess all                                       pretty damn fast.
        Busy Business People the choice of 'The Xpress                  of my moaning
        Lunch Menu' - Delicious food and fast service,                  eventually paid off,                                      I    later   berated
                   if you are pressed for time                          thanks to Leon and                                        myself for being so
                                or                                      The Edge.                                                 silly and childish
         'The Business Lunch Special' - Delicious food                                                                            and vowed that I
            and fine wines with privacy; a business                     During the three                                          would go again and
                                                                        weeks of chaos it                                         not worry about the
        meeting over lunch... take as long as you like...
                                                                        took to rip out our                                       whole naked thing.
                                                                        horrid old kitchen                                        Only then I got chat-
                                                                        and install the new                                       ting to one of my
                                                                        one, we got used to                                       female suppliers at
                                                                        living in a hovel and                                     work and she hap-
                                                                        somehow managed                                           pened to mention
                                                                        to cope pretty well                                       the fact that she
                                                                        by living off take-           Cheryl Norton               goes to exactly the
                                                                        aways and eating out. In fact, we        same swimming pool three times a
                                                                        must have tried most places in           week, in the mornings before work.
                                                                        Chelmsford over the past three
                                                                        weeks, much to the delight of The        So maybe this really is the excuse
                                                                        Boyfriend in particular. But I told      that my lazy body needs, only I can't
                                                                        him, "This can't continue!" in no        really go back there now, can I? I
                                                                        uncertain terms. As well as severely     mean, the only thing worse than
         Please mention your preferred option when                      damaging our wallets, we'd get fat       being confronted by a load of naked
                                                                        living off all those curries.            strangers, prancing and preening
       booking; Whichever you choose...With views over
                                                                                                                 about in my face, is the thought of
        the village green, the restaurant is the perfect                So, after all of this abject laziness, I seeing someone in the buff that I’ve
          place for you to be 'Busy doing Business'                     contemplated a bit of exercise. As       got to do some serious business
                                                                        I’ve mentioned in previous issues,       with later.
            You are very welcome, Lunch service                         I'm not one for gyms, so I decided to
                       starts at 12 noon.                               try the swimming pool near to where      Where did you say that swimming
                                                                        I work in Central London. I liked the    pool was again in London,
               Tel: 01245 422432                                        fact that I could ‘pay-as-you-go’ Cheryl? Perhaps I could wear a
                                                                        instead of the usual monthly small       skirt and a wig and break into
                                     fortune that many places seem to         those changing rooms because
                                                                        charge these days.                       they sound grrreeeaaattt!
       12-14 The Green, Writtle Chelmsford, Essex CM1 3DU                                                        However, on a more serious note,
                                                                        On day one of my new regime, I got       I always remember one time after
                                                                        up earlier than usual and caught the     a game of football against anoth-
                                                                        6.25am train into London. Once I'd       er school when I was about 12,
                                                                        got over the trauma of being up so       we all piled into the showers
                                                                        early, I had a very pleasant swim        before towelling off. Only this one
                                                                        before work. But it was the getting      lad, our goalkeeper, stood there
                                                                        changed aftermath where it all start-    really giving it ‘the big one’.
                                                                        ed to go wrong. All of the showers       I mean, he had one hand over his
                                                                        were communal, and so were the           shoulder and the other behind his
                                                                        changing areas. Now, I realise that I    hip and he was treating his back
                                                                        probably sound like a bit of a prude,    to a right diagonally good seeing
                                                                        but I'm not particularly comfortable     to, whilst his todger - I say todger,
                                                                        with showing all of my bits and bobs     but nay, for t’was a HAMPTON -
                                                                        off to all and sundry. For heaven’s      was swinging about like a buoy in
                                                                        sake, these girls weren't just naked     a bloody thunderstorm.
                                                                        in the changing area, they were pos-     Talk about overdeveloped for his
                                                                        itively parading around, putting on      bloody age!
                                                                        their make-up, doing their hair, and     So you see, Cheryl, perhaps
                                                                        all completely starkers too!             those ladies just feel as though
                                                                                                                 they’ve got something that’s
                                                                        Is it just me, or does anyone else       worth showing off?                E.E.
                                                                        have a bit of an issue in letting it all P.S. Next time take your camera
                                                                        hang out in front of complete and        and send The Edge the results.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd                  26/03/2008        10:13      Page 19

                                                                  How come there are no father-in-law jokes?   Page 19

    It might be month ago now and for most         else and would feel distinctly uncom-
    people already perhaps just a footnote         fortable doing so. Much less would one
    in history, but I hope you'll let an old       man give another a full blown kiss on
    man indulge his memories of a won-             the cheek, as happened to me. And
    derful day, writes Steve Ward. And, if I       yes, CM, you really, really did. How
    might also be permitted to say, a day on       about the need to go out for a pee
    which English football received a much         every three minutes? Beer played its
    needed shot in the arm.                        part, no doubt, but as DS will attest,
                                                   nerves are a particularly strong diuretic.
    "One of life's better days" was the way
    I described it with, I think, admirably        Even an old fart like me, who usually
    restrained understatement at work the          gives a polite cheer and a clap of the
    following day. Whereas, "Wheeeyy-              hands, managed to get caught up in it
    heeyy, what a feckin' great day" began         all and was into a full blown singing,
    my succinct email to The Edge Ed.              flag waving and dancing mode. At my
    Without doubt it was the second of             age, I know I ought to be above all that,
    these that most accurately reflected the       but a feeling of such momentous pro-
    feeling of about 60,000 Spurs fans at          portions overrules any sense of propri-
    Wembley for the Carling Cup Final on           ety. As I said, these were my own per-
    Sunday 24th February.                          sonal experiences, but the truth is that
                                                   similar scenes were being acted out by
    It's an argument that's relatively easy to     countless thousands of other people all
    make that people who don't understand          around me that afternoon, and nobody
    the power of sport are missing out on          gave a damn what they looked or
    one of life's great experiences. It's also     sounded like.
    possible to make a case that the sup-
    porters of Arsenal, Liverpool,                 So did I enjoy the match? Did I hell. It
    Manchester United and, recently,               was way too tense and nervy to count
    Chelsea, have also lost a certain some-        as enjoyment, but I just had to be there
    thing. They expect to win things, and          after all these years of failure. The real
    most years, they do. Yet with each new         satisfaction and fun comes afterwards,
    triumph, the joy of it is diluted just a bit   when you get home and can watch the
    as a 'been-there-done-that' feeling tar-       whole thing again via your Sky+ in total
    nishes a little of the lustre of actually      comfort, knowing there was going to be
    being victorious.                              a happy ending.

    Compare the poverty of emotion those           If only the footballing gods would just
    poor specimens have to endure (sport           let me have some more afternoons like
    haters and fans of Arsenal, that is) with      that, I promise, I will not ever take them
    the unbridled joy that filled the chest of     for granted.
    every Spurs fan on that wonderful win-
    ters afternoon. Firstly, when Mr Cool,         No, not ever, ever, ever. I promise.
    Berby the Bulgarian, nonchalantly and
    with a contempt for the goalkeeper that        So go on then, justify that comment
    almost beggared belief, tucked away            about ‘a shot in the arm for English
    the penalty that brought Spurs back            football’? Easy. In the last 12 years,
    onto level terms. Secondly, when, in           only four teams have ever won the
    extra time, new recruit and joint ‘man of      Premiership. In that dozen years, the
    the match’ Jonathan Woodgate some-             F.A. Cup has also been won by one of
    how bundled the ball into the net for          those same four clubs. In recent sea-
    what proved to be the winner. The third        sons, even the League Cup has been
    occasion, of course, was when the final        claimed by one of ‘The Big Four’.
    whistle sounded.
                                                   So why do the rest of us bother sup-
    The feeling of belonging, togetherness         porting any other team? You've got
    and the sheer joy of being alive right         absolutely no chance of ever seeing
    there, right then, simply cannot be            them win anything. Coming fifth in the
    described with mere words. Well, I can't       league and a few away-days to Europe
    do it, anyway. On each of those three          is about as good as it is ever likely to
    occasions, the mass of jumping,                get. Somehow it just doesn't seem right
    screaming, hugging bodies that greet-          that the most your team can aspire to is
    ed the event proved to me yet again            to be ‘best of the rest’.
    that men reserve a very special and
    unique behaviour for sporting events.          Only now that cosy little cartel has been
                                                   broken, and broken in some style.
    In order to protect the guilty, we'll use      Maybe it really is a changing of the
    initials rather than full names in these       guard? It's way too early to say, but the
    personal examples of the sort of behav-        fact that both Everton and Aston Villa
    iour I'm talking about. Straight men           are pushing to break into the top four
    hugging en masse is not something              this year, along with this famous
    you'd see anywhere except at a sport-          Tottenham win, offers a sure sign that
    ing event. We just don't do it anywhere        maybe things are changing.
                   P.S. This season’s F.A. Cup results are just a freak.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd              25/03/2008        21:36     Page 20

     Page 20         Statistics say that 1-in-4 people suffer from some form of mental illness. So think of 3 of friends. Are they OK? Whoops!
                                               the boss. Sometimes I even like to         start to seem like one really long         instead just sitting here, editing film
         Robert                                feel that a little sworn threat on my
                                               part has perhaps encouraged it to
                                                                                          day, simply because they're not
                                                                                          being broken up properly by regular
                                                                                                                                     footage for hour after hour after....

        Rutherford                             behave a little better.                    sleep.                                     I'm sure everyone has been in a sit-
                                                                                                                                     uation where they've decided to
                                               For those of you who have paid me          I had a busy week planned anyway,          produce something to test their cre-
                                               for PC repair work in the past, I          but then, at very short notice, I got      ative skills, whether it's an oil paint-
                                               must make it clear that not only do I      the opportunity to work as both            ing, a great symphony, a film, or
                                               wave my fists and shout at the             Technical Director and Editor on a         even attempting to knock together a
                                               damn things, there’s also a fair bit of    short comedy film called Facebook          cabinet for the bathroom rather than
                                               tinkering that goes on too. For            Friends, written by stand up come-         buying a flat-pack from B&Q. On
                                               instance, if your computer was bro-        dian and actor Jo Romero for the           that score, naturally you would buy
                                               ken when you dropped it off to me          ‘TWO DAYS LAUGHTER’ short film             enough wood, glue and screws to
                                               and fixed when you picked it up, the       competition. This will be judged by a      fully recreate Noah's Arc, then set
                                               chances are that I probably did            panel of industry professionals later      about hammering the would be
                                               something useful to it in the interim      this month. These include Brenda           bathroom masterpiece together.
                                               as well as simply shout and bawl.          Blethyn, who won the Golden                Only after twelve days of swearing,
                                                                                                                                     rebuilding and strengthening the

                                                 “Weeks start to seem like                                                           damn thing, you end up running out
                                                                                                                                     of both wood and glue and your per-
        INSOMNIAC                                 one really long day...”                                                            fect interpretation of a house for
                                                                                                                                     your toothbrush ends up being
            s an insomniac I often

                                                                                                                                     strong enough to support the weight
            choose to fill my non-sleep-       Insomnia has both its plus and its         Globe, BAFTA, and an Academy               of a fully loaded small family hatch-
            ing hours with all the work        minus points, as well as being the         Award nomination for her role in           back and would probably be the
    that I have to do. Firstly, I must         inspiration for me to shout, but not       Secrets & Lies, and the writer and         only thing left intact amongst the
    explain that I'm a mature student as       too loud, at inanimate objects. On         comedian Jon Holmes (Dead                  rubble should your house be
    well as working from home on vari-         the plus side, you can be remark-          Ringers, Mock the Week). Part of           destroyed by a falling meteor.
    ous creative projects which include        ably productive if you find it easy to     the submission criteria was to film
    digital art and graphics, web design,      stay awake for                                                  and edit within       Which is kind of where I’m at right at
    film making and, of course, writing        long periods                                                    a strict time         this minute, and I presume my frus-
    for The Edge magazine. The one             at a time. I                                                    scale and that        trations are starting to show (even in
    constant that runs through all of          have learned,                                                   limit fell within     this article).
    these activities is that they largely      after years of                                                  what        was
    involve me sitting where I am cur-         insomnia, that                                                  already a hec-        What I’m trying to say is, once
    rently sitting, right at this exact        if you are                                                      tic week. With        you've plunged your heart and soul
    moment, as I’m writing this, in front      going to be                                                     the self indul-       into creating something, you feel a
    of my computer screen.                     awake any-                                                      gent opportu-         very strong attachment to it. It may
                                               way,        you                                                 nity of having        not look quite as neat as the profes-
    The reason I feel the need to              might as well                                                   something I'd         sionally designed bathroom cabinet
    explain the type of work I do isn't for    give in to it,                                                  made getting          that you refuse to buy from B&Q,
    any free publicity that The Edge can       stay up all                                                     a chance to           but what it lacks in traditional style it
    offer (although do feel free to con-       night and do                                                    appear in a           more than makes up for by being
    tact me about any of the above             something                                                       special show-         superior in strength and simply
    services at any time of day, night,        useful. But on                                                  ing on a big          being something that you personal-
    middle of the night etc.) but              the negative                                                    screen, it was        ly have created.
    because I currently live in a shared       side, after a                                                   impossible to
    house. That said, if my profession         complete lack                                                   say no, even if       That’s what the film is to me. It will
    were that of a lion tamer, or a drum-      of sleep for an                                                 it meant not          never make me any money, or
    mer in a marching band, it would           extended period, it can seem as            sleeping for a whole week.                 make me famous in any way, but at
    obviously be somewhat more dis-            though you stand of the verge of                                                      least I’ll have the satisfaction of
    ruptive to the other residents for me      insanity as your mind feels that it is     But I'm not going to write too much        knowing that I’ve done my best, and
    to be cracking whips at large cats or      no longer connected to your body           about my film project in this article,     therefore the cost of forgoing sleep
    marching-to-a-beat in my room at           via the traditional mental/physical        because last time I made a short           and normal life for a week will all be
    4.00am. As it is, the only audible         subconscious link. That gets               film and dared to write about it in        worthwhile in the end.
    sounds emitted from my current             replaced by the need to specifically       The Edge, it sparked Mr. Edge to
    work activities are my less than           concentrate on coaching your limbs         voice his own slightly naïve and           Thing is, when you're doing some-
    gentle key strokes and the occa-           through each and every task you            poorly phrased verdict. OK, so he          thing that is your passion, it really
    sional profanity when my computer          would expect them to perform natu-         didn't like my last one. In fact, he       doesn't feel like work. But when I
    decides to toy with me.                    rally, the ease of which you would         summed it up in two words by               had a regular office job a couple of
                                               normally simply take for granted.          declaring, "It's shit!" - hence my bid     years ago, which I absolutely hated,
    It bemuses me that despite being                                                      to belittle his opinion in the last sen-   a 40 hour week seemed to drag on
    able to describe in some detail the        Most people experience insomnia at         tence. However, there is a fighting        and on forever, with each daily 8
    inner workings of my PC, not to            some point in their lives, whether it's    chance that this one may just meet         hour segment painfully lasting a life-
    mention some further knowledge of          through stress, having a baby, or by       Mr. Edge's approval, particularly as       time. But these days, I often work
    it's operating system and of the pro-      taking constant coffee breaks at the       it's comedy/drama rather than sci-         three times the number of hours I
    gramming required for the software         office in order to avoid doing any         ence fiction. (By the way, Mr. Edge's      used to work in any given week, yet
    and hardware to function at all, I still   real work. Even people who are             two word review of Star Trek also          I’m doing all of the things that I love,
    resort to threatening and shouting         able to sleep really easily (lucky         happens to be "It's Shit” too, so I        which makes the hours just fly by.
    at the monitor when things go              bastards) are sometimes affected -         haven’t been too disheartened by
    wrong. I know that my PC cannot            for instance, if you travel to a differ-   his comments.)                             Just so’s you know, readers,
    hear me and that if it could, it would-    ent time zone and have cause to                                                       Rob’s column eventually reached
    n't be able to interpret my words -        adjust your body clock - so I'm fairly     The addition of film making into my        The Edge at 5:00am the morning
    even if it could (interpret them) it       sure quite a lot of you reading this       already busy schedule has meant            after deadline day, not forgetting
    probably wouldn't give a shit any-         will be able to relate to the surreali-    that, following the past seven days,       an email timed at two hours prior
    way - but for some reason, I do gen-       ty of how the world can sometimes          I don't even want to consider the          which suggested he was ‘having
    uinely always feel better when I've        feel when you've been awake for an         very few hours sleep I've had, nor         difficulties’. As if Rob expected
    told it in no uncertain terms who's        unnatural amount of time. Weeks            the nights I've skipped sleep totally,     me to be an insomniac too? Not.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd            26/03/2008       10:13     Page 21

                                                                   I had amnesia once...or twice.                                                          Page 21

     This is NOT Glynn Roberts
    Last month in The Edge, I published the photograph (below) as one of those
    Background People snaps and suggested that the fellow (front left) was
    Glynn Roberts, one of the sporting directors of Chelmsford Boot Camp.

                                                                                                     tales along the Riverbank...

     The ‘bloke with the chin’ (front left) is NOT Glynn Roberts of
                                                                                                     Paper mill Lock
               local Chelmsford Boot Camp fame, OK?
                                                                                               You’ll always get a warm welcome to Paper Mill Lock.
    As it happens, it isn’t, wasn’t, never has been, never will be.
    Naturally, I knew that full well, but because there’s an ever-so-feint resem-        Our Old Stable Tea Rooms are currently open seven-days-a-week,
    blance around the eyes, I just thought I’d say it was Glynn and lie through       serving hot soup, hot chocolate, jacket spuds, freshly made sandwiches,
    the hole in my arse - as I sometimes do - as an innocuous bit of fun.                Ploughman’s Lunches and real home-made cakes & cream tea’s.
    Or so I thought.                                                                                OPEN MONDAY - FRIDAY 10:00AM - 3:00PM
    For Christ’s sake, just look at the guy’s frigging chin (above). He looks more
    like Eric bloody Stoltz who played the lead roll of ‘Rocky’ Dennis in the                         SATURDAY & SUNDAY 10:00AM - 4:00PM
    movie Mask (you remember him and his on-screen mum, Cher, surely?)                                   Canadian Canoes available for hire.
    But in some peoples eyes, that didn’t seem to matter one iota.                     River Chelmer boat trips on our 12-seater open-sided ‘Caffel’ and our
    “That could be bad for business, could that, Glynn,” some of you whispered,            ‘Victoria Barge’ (available for private hire inc. birthday parties,
    whilst still other charlatans advised, “Sue The Edge!”
    Sue The Edge for what?                                                                        weddings, anniversaries etc.) also now available.
    Jesus H.Christ on a bike, it was simply meant to be a bit of a laugh and a                          BOOK NOW for Spring/Summer trips.
    giggle and the fact that a bloke in the background is sucking on a girl’s right
    tit is, quite frankly, neither here nor there.                                       North Hill, Little Baddow. Tel: 01245 22 55 20
    Had there been an elephant, or a hot dog stall, or a flaming nuclear
    weapons plant in the background, the pho-
    tograph would still have appeared because
    the joke part of it I had anticipated was
    Glynn spotting it, ringing me up and calling
    me a “right cheeky basket” for suggesting
    the poor fellow looked like him.
    But before he could do that, dear oh dear,
    the chattering classes (and don’t you like to
    chatter over absolutely nothing at all?) had
    to have their say, didn’t they? And you all
    seemingly put two and two together, got
    your sums hideously wrong, came up with
    five and The Edge was somehow both
    being disrespectful to Glynn (just the oppo- However, this is Glynn
    site, in fact) and trying to harm his business, Roberts, telling me
    which I know as well as anyone he is so ‘where to get off’ when I
    extremely passionate about.                      turned up for Camp after
    Do you want to know what I think?                last months issues had
    Shame on you.                                    hit-the-streets!
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd              25/03/2008         21:40    Page 22

     Page 22                        All I ask is for a chance to prove, once and for all, that ‘money won’t make me happy’.

                                                              eagerly, immediately whipping out his still flushed     house?"
                                                              Arch Bishop's hat-shaped love-length from               Her husband responded, "That's for us to know
                                                              beneath his equally purple robe as quick as you         and for her to find out."
                                                              could say Roman Catholic.                               His wife replied, "You're right, honey. I guess I'm
                                                              "Oh father," sighed the sister, blushing yet again.     starting to believe all of those 'dumb blonde
                                                              Then she uttered the words that the father had          jokes' that have been floating around of late."

                                                              been longing to hear: "May I touch it?"                 But just a couple of hours later, the blonde
                                                              The priest began nodding his head like one of           knocks on the door and asks for her money.
                                                              those dogs on the parcel shelf of a car whilst trav-    "What?" says the man. "You're finished already?"
                                                              elling down a cobbled street at 50mph. After a          "Sure," says the blonde. "I even gave it a couple
                                                              few delightful minutes, the father was indeed           of coats."
                                                              sporting the hugest erection of truly sinful propor-    Impressed, the man reached into his wallet and
                                                              tions.                                                  pulled out $50 which he handed to the blonde.
                                                              "Sister, oh sister," he croaked, "you know that if I    "By the way," she added at the garden gate, "it's
                       Churchill                              insert my penis in the right place, it can produce      not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
    A history teacher asks a class full of kids, "What        life?"
    was Churchill famous for?"                                The sister jumped to her feet and beamed, "Oh                            Thick Cut
    A black kid at the back shouts, "He was the last          father, father. That is good news. Quick, stick it in
                                                                                                                      A man’s wife came home from the supermarket
                                                              the camel and let's get the         out of here."
    white man to be called Winston."                                             ****                                 and said to her idle swine of a husband, “I
                                                                                                                      thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
                    Two Wong's                                        Tourettes Syndrome                              but it said Thick Cut.”
    Su Wong marries Lee Wong.                                 I parked in a disabled parking space the other
    The next year, the Wong's have a baby and the             day and a traffic warden immediately shouted at                    Big Game Hunter
    nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy -             me, "Oy, what's your disability then?"
                                                                                                                      The big game hunter walked into the bar and
                                                              I shouted back, "Tourettes, you f    ing    !”
    although most definitely Caucasian - baby boy.                                    ***                 ****        started bragging (like big game hunters do) to all
    "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new par-                                                                 and sundry about his hunting skills. The man was
    ents. "Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs.                          Crazy Old Fart                             undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dis-
    Wong be naming the baby?"                                 His examination concluded, a doctor said to the         pute that. Then he said that they could blindfold
    The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and          patient, "You appear to be in extremely good            him and he would still be able to recognise any
    says, "Two Wong's don't make a white, so I think          health. Do you have any medical concerns?"              animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate
    we will name this child Sum Ting Wong."                   "As a matter of fact, I do," replied the old man.       the bullet hole, he would even know what calibre
                                                              "After I have sex, I am usually all hot and sweaty,     of bullet had killed the animal. The hunter said
             Mother-in-Law Joke                               but after I have sex again, I am usually cold and       that he was willing to prove this if they would put
    What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?              chilly."                                                up his drinks until he got one wrong. So the bet
    About 2.3 pounds, including the urn.                      The doctor began to ponder this as he sent the          was on.
                                                              old man back into the waiting room and asked            They blindfolded the big game hunter carefully
                                                              him to send his wife in. Examining the elderly          and offered him his first skin.
           The Nun & The Priest                               lady, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears       After feeling it for a few moments, he announced,
    A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara               to be in fine working order, particularly your          "Bear." Then he felt for the bullet hole and
    Desert on a camel, but on the third day the long          plumbing. But tell me, do you have any medical          declared, "Shot with a 308 rifle."
    necked humped one suddenly dropped dead                   concerns?"                                              And by jove, the big game hunter was right.
    without warning.                                          "None whatsoever," replied the old lady.                Then they brought him another skin from some-
    After dusting themselves down, the nun and the            "That's strange," said the doctor, "because your        one's trunk. The big G.H. took a bit longer over
    priest surveyed the situation.                            husband just told me that he is usually hot and         this one before announcing, "Elk. Shot with a
    After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.         sweaty after having sex with you the first time,        7mm mag rifle."
    "Well, sister," he said, "things look pretty grim, to     then cold and chilly after the second time. Have        And wouldn't you know it, he was right yet again.
    be sure."                                                 you any idea why?"                                      Throughout the night, the big G.H. continually
    "I know, father," agreed the nun. "In fact, I don't       "Oh, the crazy old fart," laughed the old lady. "It's   proved his skills time after time, and every time
    think it’s likely we can survive much more than a         because the first time is generally around June         he guessed one right, he would get plied with
    day or two at the most."                                  and the second time not until December."                drinks until he eventually staggered home pissed
    "I agree," said the father. Then he paused awk-                                                                   out of his mind.
    wardly before saying, “Sister, since we are                                                                       Next morning, he had a mouth like a badgers
    unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you
                                                                                                                      arse, so he got up, drank some water and
    kindly allow me a favour?"                                On her wedding night, a bride says to her hus-
                                                                                                                      checked himself out in the bathroom mirror. He
    "Anything, father," said the sister readily.              band, "I must confess that I used to be a hooker."
                                                                                                                      noticed that he was sporting one huge black eye.
    "Well," said the father, "I have never seen a             "That's alright," says her husband, "your past is
                                                                                                                      He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night,
    woman's breasts before and I was wondering if I           your past. However, I must admit to finding such
                                                                                                                      but not drunk enough to get into a fight and not
    might have a peek at yours?"                              news more than a little erotic. Please, tell me
                                                                                                                      remember it. So where the hell did this black eye
    The sister blushed but considered the father's            about it whilst I massage my groin."
                                                                                                                      come from?"
    proposition for a moment before announcing,               "Well," replied his wife in a seductive tone, "my
                                                                                                                      His wife replied angrily, "I gave it to you, you
    "Very well, father. Under the circumstances, I            name was Nigel and I played for Wigan."
                                                                                                                      filthy, drunken heathen. You jumped into bed,
    don't see that it would be wholly inappropriate."                                                                 started fiddling about with my nightgown, then
    So the nun opened up her habit and the priest                      Dumb Blonde Joke                               put your dirty hands all over my parts before
    feasted his eyes on the sight of her two shapely          A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money,             yelling, "Skunk…..killed by an axe."
    breasts, commenting enthusiastically about both           decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman, so
    their weight and fullness.                                started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neigh-
    Still not satisfied, the father said, "Sister, I do not
                                                                                                                                 Sewing Scissors
    mean to put upon you, but would you mind if I                                                                     When our lawn mower broke down, the wife kept
                                                              She went to the front door of the first house on
    touched them?"                                                                                                    on at me to get it fixed, but I always seemed to
                                                              the street and asked the owner if he had any odd
    The sister blushed crimson, but consented so                                                                      have something more important to do, such as
                                                              jobs he’d like doing.
    that the father was able to fondle her dirty pillows                                                              watching TV, mucking around on the internet
                                                              "Well, I guess I could use someone to paint my
    for several minutes like only high priests can.                                                                   etc., until one day I came home and found her
                                                              porch," he said. "How much would you charge?"
    Once he was satisfied, the sister said, "Father,                                                                  down on her hands and knees, cutting the grass
                                                              The blonde scratched her blonde head for a
    may I now ask a favour of you?"                                                                                   of our front lawn with a pair of sewing scissors.
                                                              moment and said, "How about $50?"
    'Wait for it…wait for it,' thought the father to him-                                                             I watched her for a while before entering the
                                                              "Swell," said the man and told her that the paint
    self, trying desperately to conceal his glee.                                                                     house and returning with a toothbrush which I
                                                              and everything else she would need were in the
    "Certainly, sister," he said. "Ask away."                                                                         handed to her.
    "Well, I have never seen a man's penis before,"                                                                   “What’s this for?” she asked.
                                                              Upon hearing of the transaction, the man's wife
    the sister admitted, "and I was wondering                                                                         “Well, you might as well sweep the drive while
                                                              said to her husband, "Does the poor girl realise
    whether I could possibly have a look at yours?"                                                                   you’re at it,” I told her.
                                                              that our porch goes right the way around the
    "No problem whatsoever," agreed the father                                                                        SHAUN@THEEDGEMAG.CO.UK
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd                25/03/2008         21:46   Page 23

                              How come Superman can stop bullets with his chest, yet ducks if you chuck a can of beans at him?                                           Page 23

                              White Van Man                                                                                  Ali’s Taxi’s
    You can't open the ’paper without reading about
    some kind of misery, death or destruction these days,
    whether it be the war on terror, a schoolyard mas-
                                                             else on the road. I wouldn't say that I’m the best driv-
                                                             er in the world though, as the wife often screams at
                                                             me to stop driving with my stomach while using both
    sacre or Steps reforming to produce a West End           hands to load a CD. As VanMan though, I had both
    musical of their life story. If only Superman were still the confidence and the control: I was like the Mad
    around, he'd save us from the dastardly Taliban, psy-    Max of the A12 minus the bondage gear. The van
    chotic teenagers and Lisa Scott-Lee.                     seemed to give me special powers; I was no longer          inc. 8 seater mini-buses
                                                             the weak observer. I became a super hero and all I         Airport Trips
    It only seems like yesterday that Superman finally had to do was test my new skills in a place where the            Corporate Accounts Welcome
    threw his blue leotard into a Cancer Research innocent are always being oppressed: at the local
    clothes collection bag; it's all that                                          plumber's merchants. I wanted
    blind bint Lois Lane's fault. Word- The World of Jeff Wright some drain fittings to prevent one                     ‘cock corner’
    on-the-street is that the man in the                                           of the leaks in our new abode        Each month The
    red underpants took her to Que                                                 and I wasn't going to take any       Edge features a
    Pasa to propose, but she had too                                               sarcasm or back chat for my          kind of ‘Cock of
    much red wine and started slag-                                                troubles either.                     the Month’ and
    ging off Clarke Kent. Witnesses                                                                                     this month it’s
    said she referred to him as a "four-                                           As I entered, you could have cut
                                                                                                                        Gertrude from a free
    eyed toady gob-shite". Such a bit-                                             the atmosphere with a Stanley
                                                                                                                        range paddock in Great
    ing betrayal from his rather stupid                                            Knife. The four guys behind the
                                                                                                                        Baddow (see below). Can you
    loved one crushed the man of                                                   counter were all unsavoury look-
    steel and as a direct result he                                                ing types. They looked me up         good readers nominate a
    threw his super hero life away in                                              and down and could smell that I      proper ‘Cock of the Month’?
    favour of selling window cleaning                                              was a lily-livered new home
    products out of the back of a Ford                                             owner with no idea what I actual-
    Transit van. The last anyone heard of him was a ly required. So with a sneer on his face and a ciga-
    quote published in 'International Squeegee', the cor- rette stuck to his bottom lip, one of the gang asked
    porate magazine for window cleaners. Salesman me what the hell I wanted. I replied, "I want a tele-
    Kent Clarke remarked, "Saving bored housewives scopic P-trap flexible waste and I want them in
    from the misery of ineffectual window cleaning prod- 40mm." The fella sneered a la spaghetti western,
    ucts has been more satisfying and life affirming than "We've only go them in inch and a half and there's no
    saving the world from Nuclear Man, General Zod and such thing as a flexible waste, you berk."
    even Robert Vaughn's piss poor acting." So with the
    super one out of the picture, it's time someone Game on!
    stepped up to the plate and took his place.
                                                             The first two henchmen/assistants attacked from the              Please send your entries for
    In an attempt to become a roving reporter for The side, so I took them out with a round house kick and
                                                                                                                                   ‘cock corner’ to
    Edge, I took it upon myself to search for a hero to a couple of karate chops to the bowels. Number three
    replace the kiss-curled do-gooder. After a year of came at me with a basin spanner, but it bounced off          
    research, my best bet was a mysterious local figure my head and rebounded in his face, which just left
    known simply as 'The Gardener'. Similar to Dr Bruce me and the original gringo to fight it out Kendo-style
    Banner, this enigma seems to drift from town to town, with some copper piping. I was about to receive a             Recruitment
    armed with a wheel barrow full of self sacrifice and a blow to the groin that would have been protected by
    very small trowel, saving people's gardens from his my VanMan cod-piece when one of the henchmen                    SOLUTIONS
    arch nemeses: The Drunkies. This violent race of hollered, “Stop! He's got a van parked outside.” So
    wobbly humanoids have caused the kind of destruc- they all put down their weapons and spoke in unison                    to
    tion to garden plants on North Springfield estates that in an exasperated tone: “Why didn't you flaming well
    even Freddy Krueger claimed: "Is bang out of order" say, mate? We thought you were just a DIY-er. We've             Recruitment
    (Michael Myers was unavailable for comment). got all of the bits you want. In fact, we'll even throw in
    Unfortunately for Chelmsford residents, this icon of some PTFE.” So I duly collected my reward and was              PROBLEMS
    the garden centres has finally drifted away to pas- just about to leave when I turned and said, “By the
    tures new, but that didn't stop your local Lois Lane way, don't you realise there's a smoking ban? I'd put            Do you need temporary or
    avec ‘love plums’ from following him to Witham where those cigarettes out, if I were you.” To which they
    he seems to have retired. While camping out up here, complied straight away as I rode off into the sunset.                permanent staff?
    I must admit that I've grown quite fond of the place.

    Knowing that an ex-superhero, who's also a dab Oh yes, I am an all-new breed of action hero; the mil-                       I.T. & Executive Search
    hand with a garden fork, is close by makes me feel a itary just need to find out all the ‘axis of evil’ that work
    helluva lot safer than in Chelmsford. In fact, it wasn't in industrial sales outlets and leave me to thwart their
                                                                                                                             I.T. Engineers & Network Support
                                                                                                                             Software & Web Developers

    long before I managed to persuade the wife to come dastardly plans.
    and join me.                                                                                                             Business Analysis & Project Management
                                                                                                                             Senior I.T. Management
    Our house move was not a particularly enjoyable

                                                                                                                         .                            .
    experience, especially since it started raining in my                                                                      Commercial Recruitment

                                                                                                                         .                            .
    kitchen when I took a shower. I suppose the only con-
                                                                                                                             Accounts                     Managerial

                                                                                                                         .                            .
    solation is that, like Superman, I had the pleasure of
                                                                                                                             Admin                        Marketing

                                                                                                                         .                            .
    driving a Transit van for three days. I can now tick this
    off my list of achievements, along with bungee jump-                                                                     HR                           Project Managers
    ing, doing a wheelie on my BMX bike and being
    involved in an orgy (they let me clean up afterwards).                                                               .   Insurance
                                                                                                                             Legal                    .   Sales

    Van driving is brilliant! It must be something to do with                                                                     Call Jackie today!
    being that high up, having the rear-end filled with
                                                                                                                                 9a Railway Street, Chelmsford. Tel: 0800 695 6005
    wood (insert Kenneth Williams' double entendre
    reaction noise there) and that diesel engine sound           Jeff Wright                                                            

    that makes you not give a shit about anyone/thing            in his underpants.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd             25/03/2008       21:47      Page 24

     Page 24                                             What’s a ‘free gift’? I thought all gifts were free?
                                              holes assaulted.                           USA visitors that are going to             bought from us, so you know who to

                                              If ever there was a glowing advert         descend upon me over the next              contact if you want any more!
                                              for the wonders of National Service,       couple of years? Help!                     Hope you managed to get your
                                              forced contraception and, probably,        Tolerance. Brits have come a long          wellington boots back to their former

                                              genocide, it's the scuttling vermin        way since I left. You’ve still a way to    pristine condition after your visit.
                                              throwing up outside my office right        go, but interestingly I see that the                                   Regards,
                                              this minute.                               British obsession with having to                                  Pauline Robb,

     letters                                                     Yours in disgust,
                                              Say what you see, Kingpin, say
                                                                                         despise a group or culture has not
                                                                                         changed, it’s just moved on from
                                                                                         Asians to Eastern Europeans. This
                                                                                                                                                        New Barn Farm,
                                                                                                                                                      West Hanningfield.
                                                                                                                                    Yes, I did, thank you very much,
                                              what you see, lad.                         was my biggest fear in bringing my         Pauline, and I am pleased as

                 e-m@ils                            Ex-Pat Returns
                                                    To Chelmsford
                                                                                         children over here, as having come
                                                                                         from a true environment of toler-
                                                                                         ance and multiculturalism, I wasn't
                                                                                                                                    punch that some families have
                                                                                                                                    already been to visit your farm as
                                                                                                                                    a result of last months right rivet-
                                                                                         at all sure what to expect. So I have      ing article, as I was a bit con-
                                              Dear Shaun/Edge Bloke/husband of           been pleasantly surprised that my          cerned that all of my ‘toilet talk’
                                              my best mate,                              old ‘red neck town’ has grown up           might put them off what turned
                                              So here I am, back in the UK for two       somewhat.                                  out to be a really educational visit
                                              years on a work assignment, and so         Best of all, I get to reconnect with all   for me and ‘The Long One’, albeit
                                              the ever thoughtful Mrs. Edge hand-        of my family and my old high school        extremely muddy.
                                              ed me a copy of your latest edition        friends.
                                              to accompany me on one of my               So Shaun, Mrs. Edge and I will cer-            The Edge Works
                                              recent trips abroad for work.              tainly be seeing each other a lot
                                              In the short time since my feet have       more frequently than in the past 12
                                                                                                                                    Sorry mate, I f
                                              touched the ground, it’s nice to see       years, even though I suspect you'll                          *** ed up and didn't
                                                                                                                                    post you a cheque yesterday. I was
                                              how The Edge has progressed                be seeing her a lot less. But you
                                                                                                                                    in London and completely forgot
                                              since I first received a copy in           won't mind that, will you?
                                                                                                                                    about it. I’ll do it today. Sorry.
                                              Canada 11 years ago.                                   Anita (Banerjee-Nag) xxx
                                                                                                                                    I have also run one advert in beep!
                                              So hey, I thought I’d share with you                           Markham, Canada
                                                                                                                                    and it’s so bloody expensive. I’m
                                              just how weird it feels to be back in                           (now Brentwood).
                                                                                                                                    going to give them one more go, but
                                              the town I grew up in. Aside of the
                                                                                                                                    I haven't had any calls as yet, or any
                                              horrific traffic congestion (the M25 is

     to theedge!
          ***                                                                                                                       people book online from their mag,
                                              simply a disaster zone) and the
                                                                                                                                    where as from The Edge I have
                                              astronomical price of petrol, I can
                                                                                                                                    already covered my advertising
                                              honestly say that Chelmsford has
                                                                                                                                    costs and then some.
                                              changed very little in the past 20
                                                                                                                                    I don't suppose you know a maga-
                                              years since I left. However, I'm still
     CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD.                     trying to figure out whether that's a
                                                                                         Mrs. Edge & Anita
                                                                                         in the back of a
                                                                                                                                    zine similar to yours that covers
                                                                                                                                    Brentwood and/or Basildon, do you
                                              good thing, or not so good? Here                     are the things I've noticed;
                                                                                         New York cab                               (and please don't say beep!)?
                                              Service         is   still    appaling.    You might be best mates and all,
                 Vermin                       Everywhere. And I know you’re              Anita, but I expect my bloody tea
                                                                                                                                          Wishes to remain anonymous.
    Dear Edge Editor,                                                                                                               P.S. Yes, go ahead with my advert
                                              going to tell me I'm a spoilt              to be on the table at the appoint-
    It's Friday 7th March and I've just                                                                                             again in April. And by the way, my
                                              Canadian where everyone greets             ed hour, so don’t you think you
    had to fight my way into the office                                                                                             mate also advertised in beep! and
                                              you and says thanks. But hey, it’s         can come marching over here
    past legions of disgusting oiks                                                                                                 he has also had no calls or e-mails
                                              such a small gesture, but I genuine-       and start sticking your oar in!
    queuing up for V tickets.                                                                                                       received from them either.
                                              ly do miss it.                             Furthermore, you obviously
    The filth and mess on the pave-                                                                                                 The above is a genuine email
                                              Meanwhile, the weather remains a           haven’t eaten at that French
    ments outside beggars belief and                                                                                                received by The Edge. You know
                                              British obsession and it’s been toler-     restaurant that The Edge has
    there are empty beer bottles, fast                                                                                              that I am a ‘straight-up’ guy, read-
                                              able since my return. I was actually       heard good reviews about on
    food wrappers and, oh yes, puddles                                                                                              ers, and no, the chap who sent it
                                              dreading the rain, although admit-         New London Road (next to the
    of vomit liberally strewn every-                                                                                                isn’t really ‘a mate’ (we’ve never
                                              tedly, since touching down at              closed down Alders site), have
    where.                                                                                                                          even met), it’s simply what you
                                              Heathrow, in my 4 weeks, two have          you? Nor at Cosmopolitan in
    A charming group of young girls are                                                                                             call someone when you’re being
                                              been spent in India and one in             Broomfield Road either, I strong-
    sitting right next to an empty bin and                                                                                          friendly, is all.
                                              Germany, although the sun does             ly suspect, run by 100% Italian
    throwing all of their rubbish onto the                                                                                          I never ‘go on’ about how good
                                              actually appear to have been smil-         stallion Franco Rusciani.
    floor. These are doubtless the sort                                                                                             The Edge is, or how much
                                              ing on me most days, so I can’t real-
    of slappers who'll be staggering                                                                                                response advertisers are likely to
                                              ly complain.                                     Trotters Update
    around Hylands Park come the fes-                                                                                               achieve, simply because it is
                                              Food? Wow, what a change in what
    tival, dropping their knickers and                                                   Hi Shaun,                                  something that is often very hard
                                              you can buy at the local supermar-
    flinging their fetid mimsy at the first                                              Many thanks for the article/s you did      to actually quantify.
                                              ket, although I have been disap-
    pierced peasant who offers them a                                                    on us in the March Edge.                   All I know is that The Edge does
                                              pointed to discover that Tesco don't
    Lambrini.                                                                            Trevor is really pleased as he now         work.
                                              carry Sambel Olek (in case anyone
    Who said Britain's youth had prob-                                                   thinks that he’s a page 3 pin-up,          And why does it work?
                                              from Tesco reads this, I checked the
    lems, eh?                                                                            although I think that the piglet was       It works simply because I bloody
                                              spelling and ‘Olek’ is spelt with a ‘K’,
    These scum should be ashamed of                                                      the star. He can't wait for this           well work.
                                              as opposed to an ‘X’).
    themselves, and so should those                                                      month's issue to go on the internet        But in all honesty, hard work on
                                              On the flip side, Chelmsford still has
    idiots from BBC Essex and Essex                                                      so that he can send the link to            its own is never enough in any
                                              a tragically limited choice of dining
    FM who are out there, playing up to                                                  everyone in his address book - and         game. The key to it all, the way I
                                              options, unless you're looking for
    the crowd, and reporting on how                                                      I do mean everyone.                        see it, is that your original idea
                                              Indian food. Where are the all the
    marvellous the whole affair is, rather                                               We have already had two families           must be a sound one and, for
                                              Chinese Szechwan, Dim Sum and
    than letting their listeners know                                                    come to visit our farm after reading       want of a better word, original.
                                              Congee restaurants? And what
    what dirty, slovenly ingrates this                                                   about it in The Edge, so fingers           You must know as well as I know
                                              about some decent Malaysian,
    shower of shite really are.                                                          crossed we will attract many more.         that magazines the likes of beep!
                                              Vietnamese and Thai restaurants?
    I've never been a festival goer                                                      I have only heard one voice of com-        are ten-a-penny. They might earn
                                              The last time I checked, the UK was
    myself, and that lot outside are part                                                plaint, and that was from the cattle       a not inconsiderable amount of
                                              pretty close to Europe, yet where’s
    of the reason why. There's no way                                                    who think that they have been neg-         revenue from their advertisers,
                                              a decent authentic Italian or French
    on this earth you'll find The Kingpin                                                lected, even though they did pose          but at the end of the day, they
                                              restaurant to be found in a town but
    spending over £100 just to stand in                                                  for some pictures taken by your            simply fail to satisfy the reader.
                                              30 miles outside London? And how
    a field surrounded by hideous little                                                 ‘lengthy sidekick’.                        And then there’s The Edge. Little
                                              am I going to explain this sad reali-
    proles all day long, having his lug                                                  We are also really glad you enjoyed        as it may be, it manages to punch
                                              ty to the hoards of Canadian and
                                                                                         the chops and sausages that you            way above its weight.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd            25/03/2008        21:47     Page 25

                                             A good thing about egotists is that they never talk about other people.                                   Page 25

                                                                                       The Old Station Master’s Building,
                                                                                       Duke Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1HT.
                                                                                       01245 344381

                                                                                       ‘A civilised bar
                                                                                       for civilised people.’
                    Background People
    This one’s a good one because The Edge genuinely doesn’t think the girls
    giving it the ‘big cheese’ know that some lazy get behind them has suddenly
    whipped his tiger prawn out and is busy making with the greeny-yellow              Wines, Spirits & Beers
    washing up water. What’s more, it has to be noted that the guy in the truly
    awful cerise jacket who appears to be the intended target of the urinary
    stream is remaining remarkably cool and steadfast about the matter.                Tea & Coffee
    In fact, The Edge would even go so far to say that this is quite a stylish piss.
    It’s the nonchalance with which the guy has tackled the situation that is so
    impressive. It also seriously doesn’t look as though he’s paused for one           Free Wireless Internet
    moment in the right riveting tale he appears to be telling his mates.
    Yes, of course there would be portaloos around, but he’s obviously in the
    middle of a field somewhere and simply cannot be arsed to go and use one.
    So yes, there’s a certain style and swagger to this photograph, because it’s       Open 12 noon ’til late
    not as if he’s doing it up a wall out the back of Marks & Spencer, is it? Yet
    this is the sort of thing that goes on all over Hylands Park when the V fes-
    tival’s there, only the people in question aren’t so well turned out.              Monday to Saturday
    The Edge reckons this is called a ‘posh wee’.
     Send your ‘Outside Business’ photographs to

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd                   25/03/2008         21:47       Page 26

      Page 26                                                  Ian King has one ‘plum’ bigger than the other; fact.

                                                    THIS MONTH I HAVE
             his month I have mainly been won-                                                                                                     being a really cool war. It was bigger, loud-

    T        dering just why so many of us seem
             to like a good old war. I'm talking
                                                                                                                                                   er and far more in-your-face than the pre-
                                                                                                                                                   vious one. We had more smart bombs and

                                                      MAINLY BEEN...
    about human-kind in general here, and not                                                                                                      laser guided gizmos than ever before, and
    just the English, though, to be fair, we                                                                                                       this time we weren't going to just tell
    English do seem to really like a nice bit of                                                                                                   Saddam he was a naughty boy and go
    war, and we're pretty good at it too.                                     cer-                                  ing bird.                      home either. This time we were deter-
    We've been doing it for years, after all, and                                                                       ***
                                                                                                                    In the Kingpin scale of        mined to pull down statues of him and all
                                                    tifiable, frothing madman
    always given a good account of ourselves.       to boot.                                                        zero-to-brilliant, the Viet-   sorts of stuff, for this was real war.
    OK, so the English Empire idea might            Not only that, but they                                         nam war has to come a          Once again though, there’s the War and
    have been a bit cheeky and caused the           had the whole ‘evil cloth-                                      close second. That ticked      Hollywood connection, as this bigger, bet-
    odd bit of global suffering, poverty, starva-   ing’ thing down to a tee                                        all the right boxes on the     ter sequel seemed to fall a little bit flat
    tion, slavery and murder, but I reckon we       as well, so they even                                           list and also spawned          once the fat lady started singing. I never
    kind of redeemed ourselves in world War         looked like the bad guys.                                       some brilliant war films,      thought I could actually get apathetic
    II with the whole ‘standing firm against        How could we go wrong                                           not least of which is          about war, but the constant media satura-
    tyranny’ thing we had going on.                 with this one? I always                                         Rambo: First Blood, star-      tion soon had me glazing over. I think Iraq
    To be honest, I think we should have been       felt that if wars were                                          ring the mighty Sly            2 will go down in history as the ‘Star-Wars:
    given extra credit for ‘standing firm against   judged solely on style,                                         Stallone. Now some of          The Phantom Menace’ turkey of wars.
    tyranny’ with a straight face as well, espe-    then the Third Reich                                            you might not know this,       That's another thing that made Iraq 2 a bit
    cially considering we'd spent the last cou-     should have won hands                                           but Rambo: First Blood         crap, the quality of the main protagonists.
    ple of hundred years subjugating any cul-       down. Half of the stuff the                                     was actually based on an       Saddam did OK as the megalomanical
    ture we could get our hands on. We are          SS used to wear is still in                                     anti-war novel by a guy        and murderous despot, but who did we
    English though, so I'm pretty sure our own                                                                                                     have? Bloody George W. Bush and Tony
    attempt at global domination was done
                                                    fashion even now. Well,              writes Kingpin called David Morell. It                    bleedin’ Blair, arguably two of the biggest
                                                    at least those long,                                            dealt with the theme that
    very politely, and I'm sure all those funny     leather coats are de riguer if you're going you can't take a young man, train him to           fuckwits in history. How the hell can you
    little tribesmen got a nice cup of tea with     to shoot half your school in Arkansaw, or be a merciless killer, throw him into a              take either of those idiots seriously? We
    the vicar before we stole their children.       somewhere.                                      maelstrom of constant terror and death for     really need a third member of that little
    Perhaps that was Hitler's fatal mistake?        Being led by a gibbering madman obvi- a few years, and then expect him to come                 group so we could have at least drawn
    Too many screaming speeches and not             ously had it's good and bad points for the home and live a normal life.                        comparisons to Curly, Larry and Moe.
    enough crumpets and cake? I'm sure if           Nazis. Say what you like about Hitler and While it's true that the 2nd and 3rd install-        Now, of course, the whole thing is a bit of
    he'd just asked nicely if it was OK to          his regrettable penchant for genocide, he ments in the Rambo franchise were sheer              an embarrassment and we'd all just rather
    invade Poland and annex half of Eastern         was still a master orator and a man of and utter Reagan-era-bullshit, I stand by               forget about it. The same thing goes for
    Europe, well, we wouldn't have had such a       many ideas. What's more, he wasn't about my view that First Blood is a truly amazing           this whole Afghanistan thing. I mean, let's
    problem with it. But oh no, naughty Adolf       to let silly little things like, say, reason or flick and the only justification for the       face it, I'd hazard a guess that at least
    just piled in there without so much as a by-    the laws of physics get in the way of one Vietnam war we will ever need.                       50% of us don't know where the bloody
    your-leave. Tut.                                of his really cool plans.                       As an aside, you may also be wondering         place is, let alone what we're doing fight-
    And as for the whole Holocaust thing, well,     That's another reason Hitler made WWII why you haven't been able to watch the                  ing a war against men with long beards
    that's just plain rude, isn't it?               so very good: the man just loved a good latest in the series, the simply named                 and bedsheets out there.
    But anyway, as I was saying, for all of our     old Doomsday device. I swear to God, Rambo at your local Odeon cinema? That                    I think the Afghan conflict illustrates the
    protests and the money we’ve donated to         Hitler's right hand man wasn't Goerring or is because Odeon cinemas, the corpse-               point I’m trying to make rather well. Look
    Princess Yo-Yo knickers land-mine chari-        Goebbels, but Wil. E. Coyote. Half of the raping shylock swine that they are,                  at the nation's new little darling, Prince
    ties, the fact is that we do love a good war    Nazi's schemes in WWII are one step shy demanded more money from Sony to                       Harry. For years he's been the target of
    and, let's face it, what's not to love?         of strapping ‘Acme rocket skates’ to their show Rambo, and Sony told them to go                much finger-wagging and royal-baiting
    Any half decent war will give us:               feet, for Christ's sake.                        blow some goats. And rightly so.               condemnation for his constant partying.
    1. A spiffy uniform.                            Obviously I'm not saying this in a dis- So thank you, Odeon, I'm glad you, the                 OK, so he made a tit of himself now and
    2. Shiny tanks and ’planes.                     paraging way. The more lunatic in scale company whose sole purpose is to enable                again, but why was everyone so down on
    3. Guns.                                        the plan, the more I like it, and believe me, the public to watch films, are now deciding      the ginger lad for that? He wasn't hurting
    4. The chance to kill people and not worry      WWII had some corkers. One of my which films you'll let us watch, based on                     anybody, was he?
    about those irritating jail sentences.          favourites was the Nazis plan for a ‘Sun how much money you can squeeze out of                 ’Course, now we all love him. Why's that?
    5. Tales of personal heroism.                   Gun’. Basically, they wanted to put a huge Hollywood's scabrous tits. I'm so glad              Because he's been out fighting a war, of
    6. Miraculous tales of survival.                mirror in space and then use the sun's you're forcing me to either travel 20 miles             course. So remember, kids: people will
    7. Heart-wrenching tales of personal loss.      rays as a giant laser beam to wipe the to watch a movie I want to see, or to go                always look down their noses at you when
    8. More Guns.                                   pesky Allies out once and for all, like kids against all those preaching adverts you           you've drunk one too many alcopops, so if
    9. Cunning inventions and gadgets that          do to ant nests with a magnifying glass.        insist on showing us about video piracy        you really want people to look up to you,
    advance the cause of medicine and save          Obviously there are some huge logistical and download the thing myself.                        then you need to call in an air-strike or
    countless lives.                                issues with putting around 1 million tonnes Rest assured, dear Odeon, that if I do             chase off some Muslims with a 50 calibre
    10. Cunning inventions and gadgets that         of metallic sodium into the earth's atmos- download the film, I'll make certain that I         machine gun.
    advance the cause of mass murder and let        phere, not least the fact that it would be try and emulate the whole Odeon experi-             Don't get me wrong, I'm loving a bit of
    us kill even more people at one time.           even impossible now, let alone in 1940. ence by charging myself £8 for a ticket                ‘Harry: First Blood’ as much as the next
    11. Great big huge f                                                                                                                           man, but then again, I always liked him
                           *** off guns.
    12. Liberal helpings of villainy with a side
                                                    It’s the sort of thing that a James Bond film and a further £75 for a watered down
                                                                                                                                                   anyway. Neither am I in any way against
                                                    would shy away from for being far too Pepsi and a packet of Revels. Then I'll
    order of (you guessed it) guns.                 mental, but not Adolf. That's m’boy.            make sure that I spend at least half an        what our soldiers are doing. Like I said,
    13. Giant transforming robots and/or huge       To be fair though, it wasn't just our hour solely watching adverts before the                  they're doing a really hard job very well
    monsters (h’hey, I'm thinking ahead here,       favourite Austrian artist who came up with film comes on. You f*** ing twats.                  indeed and they deserve both our respect
    alright?).                                      these ridiculous schemes, the Allies were Sorry, I kind of wandered off track there,           and admiration.
    As you can see, it's really no wonder that      responsible for just as many, if not more. but I do feel better for it.                        It's just a shame that these men and
    we love a decent war so much. My little list    Winston Churchill, who is arguably one of Nowadays, it just seems that the wars                women are often sent out to die so far
    has also ticked off most of the ‘must           the greatest leaders our country has ever we're getting into simply aren't that good           from home for what are often all the wrong
    haves’ for a major Hollywood blockbuster.       had, wanted to initiate ‘Project Habakuk’, anymore, although I do remember Iraq                reasons, and it's time we all admitted that,
    That's another way to gauge how good a          which basically translates to making an number 1 being pretty good. My friend                  as a species, we really need to look at our
    war is, by seeing how many good war             aircraft carrier out of a 2,000 foot long ice- Dominic and I used to listen to his little      attitudes to War. As Oscar Wilde said: "As
    movies are made about it afterwards.            berg. We also had ‘Project Orcon’, where radio in class to keep us up with what was            long as war is regarded as wicked, it will
    So far, WWII is easily the winner in this       we tried to get pigeons to guide our mis- happening in Desert Storm. Iraq 1 ended              always have its fascination. When it is
    category, with far too many good movies         siles to where they needed to go. Taking as a bit of a damp squib though and I think           looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
    made about it to list here. I think the Nazis   into account the pigeon's well documented it will go down in history as one of our             popular."
    deserve a great deal of the credit for mak-     and excellent sense of direction, this more forgettable conflicts. That said, I still          Until all our attitudes change, I guess we'll
    ing WWII such a good one. For the first         doesn't seem too insane, until you remem- think it was better than Iraq War 2.                 keep on getting some quality war movies
    time in ages we were faced with an hon-         ber that it's a missile being flown by a f Mind you, Iraq 2 had all the hallmarks of           out of the whole thing, so right now I'm off
    est-to-goodness evil empire, and led by a                                                                                                      to download Rambo.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd            25/03/2008       22:23     Page 27

                                                        Who’s idea was it to put an ‘s’ in the word ‘lisp’?                                           Page 27
                                                                                                       Playground for Pensioners
                                     Lengthy-Boy’s                                    A playground for pensioners has opened up in a Manchester park.
                                                                                      The Older People's Play Area on the Dam Head Estate in Blackley is kit-

                                                                                      ted out with equipment to strengthen hips, tone legs and train the upper
                                                                                      bodies of the over 60’s.
                                                                                      It was set up by the L.R.A. (local residents' association) who were
                                                                                      inspired by a similar playground they heard about in Germany.

                                                                                      The park, which cost £15,000 to build, was tested by numerous local
                                                                                      fogies plus celebrity guests Noel and Liam Gallagher, before being
                                                                                      opened to a fat, grey, bald and liver spotted public.
                                                                                      It stands next to an U5’s playing zone and has six pieces of equipment
                                                                                      designed to give crumblies an R.G.W. (right gentle workout).
              Blind Photographer Holds Exhibition                                     Parts of the exercise stations are also accessible to wheelchair users.
    A wildlife photographer is to hold an exhibition of her pictures, despite         Joan Fitzgerald (76) chairperson of the Dam Head Residents'
    being ‘blind around the eye’ area.                                                Association said it was, "A great idea and great fun and made a right
    Apparently, Alison Bartlett's hearing is so acute that she can even pick          refreshing change to pensioners merely pissing their pants.”
    up birds' wings flapping over a hundred miles away, a squirrel nibbling a         Joan went on to say, "I'd recommend anyone over the age of 60 to come
    cashew nut, or an aardvark passing a chuff in a blizzard.                         along and have a go if they think they are hard enough. After all, you're
    Alison (51) of New Milton, Hampshire, began to lose her sight in 1979             never too old to play (snigger)."
    due to diabetes, before it went completely Stevie Wonder in 1992.
    She said: "I was determined to carry on doing all of the things I'd always                Man Forced To Have Breast Reduction
    done, such as driving a fork-lift truck, and, as a hobby, I continued to          A Chinese woman forced her boyfriend to have breast-reduction surgery
    photograph things in my back garden, simply because I knew where                  because his man boobs made her look flat chested.
    everything was and I could pace out all of the distances and figure out           Xiao Feng, of Chongqing, threatened to break up with Zhang Jianguo
    all of the angles and stuff. That’s where I initially learned to listen out for   unless he underwent surgery, the unreasonable cow.
    wildlife. That and the ice-cream van.                                             Zhang, who is but 5ft 7ins, yet weighs in at some 15 stone, explained,
    "Of course it hurts that I cannot see my photographs for myself, but if it        "She say tha’ whenever we go out, she fee’ embarrass because my
    encourages other blind people to continue doing their hobbies, be they            breasts much more eye-catching than hers. Somehow that my fault she
    helicopter piloting or whatever, then it has surely got to be worth it."          so a flat-chested old nag. Tut. Women, huh?"
    Friend Jenny Gilleland helps Alison out by shouting out where to point            Doctors at the First Affiliated Hospital of Chongqing Medical University
    her camera (i.e. “Over there, you blind bint!”)                                   sucked out more than 200ml of fatty tissue from ZJ’s ample knockers.
    Alison said: "Jenny politely tells me where animals are and says things
    like: 'Yellowhammer at two o'clock'. It’s all very James Bond. She'll even                         Boy Forced To Eat Greens
    give me rough distances and I’ll aim my camera, focus the lens and                A young boy has reported his own mother to Jamie Oliver for threaten-
    shoot. OK, so sometimes I miss, but hell, so would you.                           ing him with a lisp if he doesn’t eat all of his greens.
    "Naturally I have to rely on other people to tell me whether or not my            The boy said, “I hardly think it’s fair to be thwettened in such a way as
    photographs are any good, so I can only hope that they are telling me             this for having the temerity to push my gweens to one side.”
    the truth and not lying out of their arse."

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd                   25/03/2008         21:47       Page 28

     Page 28                                                        My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.

                                                    that this is something you just don't want      just any old protest, mind. They aren't writ-    spondents have filled the pages with their
                                                    to do. And yet, four weeks of the 07:28 to      ing to MPs and making reasoned argu-             own views, all of which have been firmly
                                                    Liverpool Street and you've got yourself        ments in letters to the papers and on the        on one side of the fence or the other.
                                                    into a routine. Although it's just as bad as    radio - the sort of thing we tried here but to   Edge Editor apart, nobody has creosote
                                                    when you first looked, you don't see it         no effect. No, they blow the feckers up.         on their kecks from where they've been
                                                    quite so clearly any more.                                                                       sitting.
                                                                                                    Yes, that's right, they blow them up.
                                                    Similarly the Olympic logo - remember all                                                        Well, here's another chapter in the
                                                    the hoo-hah and negative comments? Yet          To be fair to us Brits, we did have Captain      debate, but this time a sense of perspec-
                                                    who cares now. Premiership games                Gatso a few years ago, who for a while           tive has been brought to bear on the argu-
                                                    abroad? Again, a huge fuss, but it will hap-    went round the North Circular Road paint-        ment. Recently in Tottenham Court Road
                                                    pen, because given enough time, the             ing the lenses of the cameras black. That        one Sunday afternoon, any passing
                                                    protests will diminish into a sea of            seemed pretty heroic at the time, but it         tourist would have witnessed what has to
                                                    inevitability.                                  pales into insignificance in comparison to       be described as a street party. But a

              ...NOT OUT!
                                                                                                    the gang of Monsieur GATSOs who are              street party with a difference, because
                                                    And so it is with speed cameras. They've        taking direct action to a completely differ-     this was an anti-religion demo with a twist.
                                                    been beside the road for so long now,           ent level.                                       Now you may or may not know that the
                                                    everyone has stopped arguing about                                                               Church of Scientology (yes, Tom Cruise's
            Vive La France                          whether they should be there or not and         The wholly predictable reaction from the         mob) has a shop in TCR where they offer
                                                    simply accept the fact that they aren't         French authorities has been to bang on           ‘stress tests’ to the unsuspecting. It's here
    Time was when this column would be              going away. You know they aren't there to       about the danger of innocent people being        that the net first opens to lure the mad,
    filled on a regular basis with bile and hate    save lives, otherwise they'd be outside         caught up in all the fireworks and how it's      the deluded and the desperate into an
    against the most evil invention known to        schools and in residential areas instead of     disgraceful that public property is being        organisation that will relieve them of their
    man. A device so devilish that it had the       on open roads that generate the most            destroyed, blah, blah, blah. Apart from          cash, whilst also setting them up as a
    capacity to turn the gentlest of men into       income, but somehow your resistance has         missing the point entirely - they are            complete laughing stock.
    rage filled anger machines. We're talking,      been eaten away by the passage of time.         responsible for this, for ‘no cameras, no
    of course, about speed cameras. The             You slow down as you go by, almost with-        explosions’ - this completely misreads the       Whether you are a believer in a 'proper'
    GATSO, SPECS, or whatever other name            out thinking about it, and you may even         general mood. Which is, that the people          religion, an agnostic or an atheist, it's hard
    they go by nowadays. The fact remains           give them a token two fingered salute.          involved in the destruction are seen as          to see anyone except scientologists
    that these dreadful contraptions have           But, by and large, they are now simply          Franco versions of Robin Hood, standing          themselves having much truck with that
    been the cause of more stress than a            another irritant in the day-to-day grind of     up for the poor masses against an evil           particular church. If you bother to look up
    wasp in a spacesuit.                            life. Another example of how 'they', or 'the    regime. Anyway, let's hope their campaign        what exactly it is they believe in, you will
                                                    man', as Americans might say, are keep-         continues to victory and common sense            find it is nothing more or less than a poor-
    In the interests of fairness, it has to be      ing us plebs downtrodden and aware of           prevails.                                        ly written and completely incredible sci-
    admitted that in the early days there were      our lowly place in the grand scheme of                                                           ence fiction tale. It's well documented that
    a good number of well meaning, but              things. In this country, at least.              Sadly, to our eternal shame, we never            the whole shebang was invented by L.
    gullible people, who bought the govern-                                                         gave Captain Gatso the support he                Ron Hubbard as a tax dodge, so it's ever
    ment's line that they saved lives. All that's   Yet all of the above is mere pre-amble to       deserved and now we’re paying the price          more unbelievable that supposedly edu-
    been put to rest over the last few years of     a heartfelt salute to the French. Unlike a      - quite literally, in the case of millions of    cated people should fall for such hog-
    course, as we, the great British public,        number of Brits, this particular one has        perfectly safe motorists who've been             wash. But fall they do.
    have gradually come round to the cynical,       never really taken to France. Nothing           caught in one of these wealth generating
    yet wholly realistic place we now inhabit,      especially wrong with it, it's just that it     traps. Why we're paying the price is             Anyway, the main point to be made here
    whereby we instantly believe exactly the        doesn't have the pull that certain other        because we followed our own national             is that the protesters on Tottenham Court
    opposite of any case argued by the              countries do. However, as the years roll        instincts. A shrug of the shoulders fol-         Road that sunny afternoon were having a
    authorities with statistics.                    by, it's become ever more obvious that the      lowed by a "what can you do?" Well, we           whale of a time. Ostensibly they were
                                                    French are an admirable race when it            could have taken direct action. Like the         showing their displeasure at the loonies
    New Labour made a rod for its own back          comes to civil liberties and interference       French did. Only we didn't.                      for kidnapping (mentally, at least) the
    with the Machiavellian twisting of the truth.   from the authorities. They have a very                                                           weak and vulnerable and brainwashing
    Those politicians all thought they were         clear view of the purpose of the people         So, “Vive la France”.
    being so bloody clever with their spinning,                                                                                                      them into handing over cash on a never
                                                    they vote for and it certainly isn't to allow                                                    ending basis. That's the gist of the plac-
    only now it's rebounded because nobody          those rulers to be bossy-boots.
    believes a word they say. So when a                                                                                                              ards they had and the leaflets they were
    speed camera is said to have saved ten
                                                                                                              Loony Tunes                            handing out. But most of them were wear-
                                                    If we want to get all philosophical about it,                                                    ing a mask for some reason. Probably this
    serious accidents over the last year, we all    I guess it stems from the revolution 200
    know instinctively that it hasn't. We know                                                      Over recent months this magazine seems           was to protect themselves from the
                                                    odd years back. A people so downtrodden         to have become a leading tool in the argu-       famously litigious Church of Loonies, but
    in our soul that some jobsworth has been        that it took to executing its persecutors en-
    selecting and massaging numbers to back                                                         ment between religion and secularism.            it could just as easily have been part of
                                                    masse has to be given some respect.             This is a spectacular, and frankly, unex-        the general party atmosphere. There was
    up the argument he's been told to make.         Some respect from outside, and, more            pected departure from the jokes and trivia       no doubting whatsoever that they were all
                                                    importantly, from their current leaders.        format that fortunately still remain the sta-    having a damn good time though, chanti-
    Anyway, rant over. It's not actually the
    case against speed cameras that is my                                                           ple diet.                                        ng across the road at the faithful few
                                                    For the latest manifestation of this Gallic                                                      Scientologists still brave enough to be
    focus of attention this month. It's actually    sense of solidarity against the ruling class,
    the reaction to them that has proved inter-                                                     Religion, of all hues and creeds, stirs up a     offering stress tests, and talking with any
                                                    we return to speed cameras, as you just         lot of emotion. Even non believers now           passers by that wanted to understand
    esting to those of us with an eye for           knew we would. The French are some
    human behaviour.                                                                                have an evangelist to stand behind in            what it was all about. It's not impossible
                                                    years behind us in the introduction of the      Richard Dawkins - ‘Darwin's Rottweiller’         alcohol was involved too.
                                                    buggers. Obviously it's needed to be man-
    There's a line from an old song that's been                                                     as someone memorably called him.
                                                    aged very carefully because of the anti                                                          Anyway, there was definitely none of the
    quoted here before that goes, “You get                                                          Dawkins' television programmes show
                                                    big-brother attitude we've been dis-                                                             violent undercurrent that we associate
    used to anything sooner or later, it just                                                       him interviewing people of a religious
                                                    cussing, but in the past year or two, the                                                        with certain other religions, and it has to
    becomes your life". It's a fine observation                                                     bent, and tilting his head slightly to make
                                                    dreaded one-eyed monsters have gradu-
    on the human psyche. It distils into a few                                                      it look as if he's really listening and giving   be said, that particular protest would have
                                                    ally sprouted alongside the wonderfully
    words the fact that no matter how awful                                                         them due respect, but at the same time he        looked quite attractive to your average
                                                    empty French roads.
    something is, the passage of time dims                                                          manages to give off an air that shouts           Brit, who as we've noted above, usually
    the effect it has. Anyone that uses public                                                      "you are an idiot". Obviously this makes         wouldn't bother to get involved.
                                                    But, Frenchmen being Frenchmen, they
    transport of any kind will understand this.                                                     the faith people quite angry, but whichev-
                                                    have not taken this intrusion of the gov-
    If you took a step back and looked at the                                                       er side of the argument you stand on, you        Now, if only the anti-Scientology mob's
                                                    ernment into areas of their life they con-
    sheer horrors involved - enforced proxim-                                                       have to admit it's hugely entertaining.          organisational skills could be re-focused
                                                    sider private lying down. So a group has
    ity to other people, dirt, unreliability,                                                                                                        to speed cameras……
                                                    been organised to make a protest. Not
    expense - it would force the conclusion                                                   The various Edge columnists and corre-
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd             25/03/2008        21:48      Page 29

                                                       The cost of living simply hasn’t affected its popularity.                                                  Page 29
    Play us a few chords on the
    ham then, Darren!

                                                                                              ou’ve got to educate children
                                                                                         Y    when they least expect it, is The
                                                                                         Edge’s philosophy.
                                                                                         Take these three books that kids are
                                                                                         likely to go straight up to their bed-
                                                                                         rooms to read after a hard days
                                                                                         graft at school, along with a stiff
                                                                                         G&T. In their minds they’re relaxing.
                                                                                         They’ve done their shift, they’ve had
                                                                                         their heads crammed full of knowl-
                                                                                         edge, so now it’s their time. Only
                                                                                         what they don’t realise (on account
                                                                                         of them being so young and imma-
                                                                                         ture) is that their spongelike ickle
                                                                                                                                      Comics 2008
                                                                                                                                   My, how comics have changed since I
                      Bell Street Deli                                                   bonces are still being poisoned ‘on
                                                                                         the QT’ by us adults who’re eager to
                                                                                         warn them of the dangers of wear-
                                                                                                                                   was a nipper.
                                                                                                                                   Not that I ever used to read Bunty, mind
    The Edge wants to give the Bell Street Delicatessen in Great Baddow a bit
    of a plug because owners Cathy and Darren are such a nice couple and                 ing too tight jeans and having a pen-     you, but blimey, they certainly don’t pull
    they’ve got such a cracking little store on their hands that it’s fair to say an     chant for far too much cock.              any punches these days, do they?
                                                                                         Most parents go wrong by trying to        Whatever next, a Hooker Barbie Doll?
    awful lot more people simply need to know it exists.
                                                                                         talk to their kids as though they’re      In my day it was all Korky the Cat, Biffo
    Situated right next door to Russells Restaurant in Great Baddow (though
                                                                                         miniature adults, when what you’ve        the Bear and Minnie the Minx.
    there is absolutely no connection between the two establishments), you can
                                                                                         really got to do is climb down to their
    often park right outside, which is handy bonus.                                                                                To the best of my knowledge, Desperate
                                                                                         level to make them get stuff.
    BSD offer the likes of salami from Sardinia, olives from le Marche, Foie                                                       Dan never rode up Brokeback Mountain
                                                                                         I’d have probably made a terrific
    Gras from Strasbourg, pate from Provence, honey from Estremoz (and                   Dad, me. And I’d have been like a         on his mule and got a proper arse
                                               Essex), chorizo from Vilar etc.           breath of fresh                           pounding. No, he just bent iron bars with
                                               Honestly readers, it is a proper little   air             at                        his bare hands and ate Cow Pie’s.
                                               foodies haven that The Edge is cer-       Parent/Teacher                            And as for Meryl the Peril, she wasn’t
                                               tain you are bound to be impressed        evenings after                            promiscuous in any way, shape or form
                                               with.                                     school.                                   either, was she?
                                               Just look at this (left)? How beautiful   “Oh      yes,    I                        It really is a sad state of affairs when
                                               is that? It’s truffle oil and raspberry   bloody would!”                            comic characters turn out to be sluts.
                                               vinegar set in hand-made glass by
                                               Elle Arnaud Denoix at £17.99 - and
                                               how nice a St. Valentine’s Day gift
                                               would that have made, eh, instead
                                               of the same old/same old?
                                               Think Bell Street Deli and think gour-
                                               met products, charcuterie, cheeses,
                                               chutneys, oils, olives, dressings,
    champagnes, wine, confectionery, hampers, buffets, pasta, rice ....the list is
    positively endless.
    Wallace & Gromit would be in their element, for in cheeses alone you can
    choose from British or continental, from sheeps milk to goats milk or even
    buffalo milk. Then there’s Blue
    Stilton from Colston Bassett, Brie de
    Meaux, Tintern, Ribblesdale Blue,
    Cornish           Yarg,       Dolcelatte,
    Mozzarella, Snowdonia (Black
    Bomber, Red Devil and Green
    Thunder), Parmesan Reggiano,
    Feta and Halumi etc.
    And as for their pates, you’ll be liter-
    ally spoilt for choice. There’s
    Chicken Liver, Forestiere (smooth
    poultry based with wild forest mush-
    rooms), Sangliere (course game
    with wine), Canard (duck with
    Armagnac), Faisen (pheasant with Foie Gras and Armagnac), Chevreuil
    (course game with venison, port and wine), not to mention both Salmon and
    Lobster Terrines and Black & Green Olive.
    And how about hampers, both corporate or personal, tailored to BSD’s cus-
    tomers own requirements with prices starting from as little as £20.
    If this little article has given you but a mouth watering, tempting flavour of
    what awaits you at the Bell Street Delicatessen, then hopefully it’ll have
    done its job.
                                         Bell Street Delicatessen
                                  Bell Street, Great Baddow, CM2 7JR
                                           Tel: 01245 478073
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd                     25/03/2008            21:48       Page 30

     Page 30                                                                    How can there be self-help groups?

                                                                  The VW Scirocco is back!                 because of some pretty interior lights and a nice set of handlebars, surely?
                                                                                                           The Scirocco is both wider and lower than the Golf and whilst an optional
                                                                                                           electronically-operated panoramic sunroof sounds great, the thing I remem-
                                                                                                           ber most about my old Scirocco wasn’t the gadgets, but its unquestionable
                                                                                                           nippiness. So here you go: “The Scirocco will be launched in the UK fitted
                                                                                                           with a 2.0-litre T-FSI four cylinder engine developing 200PS.” Bloody hell,
                                                                                                           that’s 200bhp in old money, isn’t it? Impressive. “A range of TSI and com-
                                                                                                           mon rail TDI engines will also be offered linked to six-speed manual and
                                                                                                           seven-speed DSG gearboxes from the end of the year.”
                                                                                                           The launch price is expected to be around the £20k mark and you can order
                                                                                                           one this summer with the view to taking delivery as early as September.
                                                                                                           Despite the fact that my old Scirocco was far from new, I’m pretty sure it had
                                                                                                           a 1.8-litre engine which produced around 139bhp and did the 0-62mph dash
                                                                                                           (out on the flat backroads in the fens of Lincolnshire at that time) in just 8.1
                                                                                                           seconds, which was definitely not to be scoffed at back in 1974 when it was
                                                                                                           first launched. But model # 2, which broke cover in 1981, was always poor
                                                                                                           by comparison. Total Scirocco UK sales stand at 77,460.
                                                                                                           No doubt that figure will ascend throughout the second half of 2008.
    Remember the VW Scirocco, readers?                                                                     So it’s really good to see an old friend back, and looking so well.
    I do. I used to own one, many moons ago.
    Not the last shape - which was pants - but the original ‘wedge’, which was
    Enter the phase III model and by the looks of it, the Scirocco is definitely
    “It looks a lot better in the metal than it does in the photo’s,” one VW exec
    explained to The Edge after viewing it in Spain.
    Jesus, it’s 34 years since the original Scirocco was launched. Many of the
    puppies selling Golf’s and Bora’s and Jetta’s (if indeed the latter two are still
    in production) in VW showrooms these days weren’t even born then.
    When the Golf and the Scirocco were originally launched, they looked total-
    ly new, like a breath of fresh air, and to be fair, the Golf has maintained its
    air of originality to this day. But might The Edge be forgiven for suggesting
    that the arse-end (see photograph above) of the all new Scirocco looks sim-
    ilar to that of the not-so-new Peugeot 205/305?
    But like the bloke said, it’ll maybe look different/better in the metal.
    I do like the sound of this though: “A contoured, flat-bottomed steering
    wheel frames dials that glow white at night.” Only you wouldn’t buy a car just

           For £149, we’ll collect your car, service it
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           our trained technicians really know what’s best for your car. Our Premium Service ( note the not-so-premium price ) also includes
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    Excludes Touareg and Phaeton.
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd              25/03/2008         22:01    Page 31

                                                  If swimming is so very good for you, how do you explain whales?                Page 31

        A Day from the diary of a BMW driver...
    "The other day I was cruising along, as usual,            some of those) and urged me to get onto the hard
    coming onto one of my motorways, which was                shoulder, no doubt so that he could congratulate
    very busy and full of inferior cars.                      me on my excellent car and driving skills.

    First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traf-    Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when
    fic didn’t slow down for me at all as I approached        we had both stopped, the man gave me a piece
    the end of the slip road. How very rude. In fact, I       of paper confirming what I already knew - that my
    had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap               car goes fast.
    between two cars in order to get onto my motor-
    way at all.                                               Apparently, he also wants everyone to know what
                                                              a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers
    However, the driver of the car behind did realise         license into a police station to be sent away to
    his mistake and honked an apology to me via a             have some special points put on it. And they're
    long blast of his horn.                                   not free points either - they're £20 each, but I was
                                                              only allowed 3 of them, which was a little disap-
    Yet almost unbelievably, I had to make the exact          pointing. But then the man behind the desk at the
    same manoeuvre twice again before I could get             police station said that because I drive a BMW, it
    into the exclusive BMW lane.                              won't be much longer before I earn the full 12
                                                              points, and then I won't even be needing a driv-
    Once there and nicely posing along at 110mph,             ing license at all.
    enjoying all of the adulation that the other inferior
    car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior         See? That’s the sort of respect you get when you
    car ahead of me which was not only in the exclu-          drive a BMW."
    sive BMW lane, but was driving at a somewhat
    ridiculous 70mph.                                         BMW’s are great cars, but the trouble with             Some asshole poured
                                                              this little article is that there’s obviously an       fabric softener into
    Naturally, I got to within a foot of its rear bumper      element of truth to what’s being said. Sadly           the bird bath
    and began flashing my headlights to politely              and strangely, many BMW drivers do seem to
    remind him that he shouldn't be in the BMW lane           hang off your rear numberplate when they’re
    at all and to get out of my way.                          behind you and somewhat justifiably are
                                                              viewed as being ignorant pranksters by the
    Of course, once the driver realised that he had a         rest of us. Not all of them, obviously, but it
    BMW behind him, he did just that, although I was          only takes a few for shit to stick.
    somewhat aghast when he pulled straight back              Strangely, it seems to be BMW series three
    out behind me.                                            drivers who are the worst, and The Edge has
                                                              a theory about that.
    What’s more, he also tried to keep up with me             Series three BMW drivers have clawed their
    and when he realised there was no way he was              way up after years of driving Ford’s and VW’s
    going to out-run me, he put on some strange blue          and Seat’s and Renault’s.....and boy, are they
    flashing lights in his front grill (I’ll have to get me   gonna let the rest of us know about it!
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd                          25/03/2008            22:02    Page 32

     Page 32                           Teach a child to be polite and they’ll never be able to merge onto a motorway when they grow up.

                                      ATTENTION NON-MEMBERS
                                      Present this voucher at our
                                                                                       “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner.”
                                      reception and 2 non-members
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                                      in Chelmsford.

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                                      further details.

     * Valid for 1 gym session only

                                                                                                     One For The Album
                                                                              Soon after landing at Denver Airport, “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner” is what we heard as a local-
                                                                              ly based snowboarder greeted some of his mates who’d just flown in, whilst me, Mrs Edge and ‘The
                                                                              Length’ began tutting and looking skywards in disbelief.
                                                                              Honestly, what the f
                                                                                                    *** is “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner” all about when it’s at home?
                                                                              That’s why I hate snowboarders.....even though I try to be one myself, yet always fail miserably and
                                                                              end up hurting myself. Primarily, they just come out with huge great big mouthfuls of shit.
                                                                              Not only that, but they’re generally always ‘all grunged up’ too - know what I mean? For instance, just
                                                                              look at this cock (above). This lad just about sums up everything I cannot stand about ‘his sort’. Look
                                                                              at the colour of his bloody jacket, for starters. Who’d want a jacket the colour of pure vomit?
                                                                              A bloody snowboarders, that’s who.
                                                                              Mind you, skiers who go for 1970s League Division One football kit type outfits aren’t much better,
                                                                              what with their wrap-around shades and Black & White Minstrel eyes once their specs come off. But
                                                                                                        hey, skiers are a whole different story.
                                                                                                        Look at matey’s stance. It’s confrontational, yeah? (Unless he’s just ‘followed
                                                                                                        through’ on the Tommy Chufter front, in which case he’s naturally forgiven.)
                                                                                                        Is his spine twisted in a different way to everyone else’s, or what? Christ, he
                                                                                                        even looks as though he’s on a board even when he’s not, if you get The
                                                                                                        Edge’s drift. (“Where’s your board, mate? Or are you 10,000ft up just for the
                                                                                                        frigging fashion show?”).
                                                                                                        Not only that, but when snowboarders sachet and slide up to where you dock
                                                                                                        your boards before breaking for lunch (like cowboys tie up their horses
                                                                                                        before entering a saloon.....only why ever the horses don’t just wander off is
                                                                                                        beyond me, because their reins are generally looped rather than tied), they
                                                                                                        bloody well fly up at breakneck speed before nonchalantly, almost mid-con-
                                                                                                        versation with their buddy, coming to a sudden halt and stepping easily out
                                                                                                        of the board’s ample clutches that I generally have to sit down to accomplish.
                                                                                                        Aaaaaggggghhhhh, I bloody hate them.
                                                                                                        What, me? Why, of course I’m bloody jealous. What took you so long to work
                                                                                                           So you think it’s clever to accelerate
                                                                                                        that out? They make me sick ’cos they make snowboarding look so damn
                                                                                                        easy. (And all of you smug skiers can piss off too!)
                                                                                                              quickly away from the lights?
                                                                                                                              The truth revealed!
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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd          25/03/2008        21:50   Page 33

                                                  They told me I was gullible, and damn it, I believed ’em.                                    Page 33
                                                         through their noses and plenty of earlobe.
                                                         The story centres around one in particular,
                                                         Jaguar Paw, who’s young wife is heavily pregnant        ALL CARS WANTED
                                                         with their second child.
                                                         JP’s village is set upon by some marauding                 Telchristie Car Sales
                                                         Mayans (the baddies of the piece) and after low-
                                                         ering his wife and child into the supposed safety
                                                         of a well, our ‘main man’ then has to sit and watch
                                                                                                                       NEW or OLD
                                                         his own father have his throat slit before being       “Guaranteed to pay a fair price”
                                                         carted off to be brutally sacrificed in some sort of
                                                         sadistic ritual on top of a pyramid.                            NO GIMMICKS
                                                         However, things don’t quite go according to plan        Any car, new or old, with or without
                                                         so far as JP’s captors are concerned and after
                                                         making his escape, he sets off on mission to save
                                                                                                                  an MOT. All cars bought & sold.
                                                         his wife, son and the ‘bun in the oven’ before the      TEL: 0800 2343207 or 07980 923760
                                                         rains come and drown the poor sods.
                                                         At the time of its release, I read how very violent
                                                         Apocalypto supposedly was, and perhaps it is.
                                                         However, such violence certainly isn’t gratuitous,
                                                         or out of context. It’s films like Nil By Mouth that
                                                         really turn my stomach.
                                                         So far as The Edge is concerned, the opening
                                                         scene, when J.P., his dad and his mates are out
            el Gibson’s Apocalypto isn’t a bad movie.    hunting and chasing a tapir (a sort of stout, grunt-

    M       In fact, it isn’t a bad movie at all.

    But I guess because of all the anti-Mel publicity
                                                         ing hoglike creature), now that was definitely the
                                                         most chilling scene in my eyes. So much so, I
                                                         really can’t imagine how that poor tapir ever made
    that surrounded this movie at the time of its        it to the ‘take 2’ and ‘take 3’ stage.
    released, I dunno, I guess I just didn’t fancy it.    The Edge hired Apocalypto from Blockbuster
    However, make sure you don’t miss it now that it’s           on Springfield Road, Chelmsford.
    available on DVD (and has been for some con-
    siderable time, no doubt, only I didn’t get around
    to seeing it until just the other weekend).
    The Edge would say: ‘Not as good as Last of the
    Mohicans, but better than 300’ ... oh, now don’t
    spit your dummy out, Kingpin, that is just my own
    particular view and I’m sticking to it.
    Apocalypto is a historical adventure set in the
    16th century about the Mayan civilisation of South
                                                                                                                Cornflakes - do you remember how good
    and Central America. The chaps have got some
                                                                                                                                they are?
    weird, scarlike tattoos on their faces, bones
The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd          26/03/2008                                                      13:54                           Page 34

     Page 34                           When everything and everyone has gone, experience is what you’ve got left.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   cle like the devil is chasing you whilst some mad
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   shouty woman paces up and down screaming,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   “Faster! Faster!” for 45 minutes non-stop. I tell
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   you, I was all for letting the devil catch me - the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   punishment couldn’t have been any worse.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I honestly felt like death when I finally managed
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   to cock my leg back over that saddle. My heart
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   was pounding, my vision was blurred and I
                                                                             q d   25/03/20
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ended up walking like John Wayne for an entire

                                                                                                08    21:01
                                                                                                              Page 1

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   week afterwards. How can that be good for you?
                                                                                                                                                 When was
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   But some girls were actually smiling and laugh-
                                                                                                                                               reviewe     the last

                                                                                                                                                      d your reti time you
                                                                                                                                              ee PensR ent plans?rem
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ing whilst they were doing it and saying mad,
                                                                                                                                                 e          ion SALE
                                                                                                                                                50 ation toact: onReview
                                                                                                                                           With NO

                                                                                                                                         peter.da % OFFfindings
                                                  ISSUE                                                                                                       act  the
                                                        NO: 138                                                                                          Cont
                                                        NO: 136
                                                                                        ‘THE CH CHELMSFOR
                                                                                                                                                          Financial .com
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   crazy things like “see you next week” once the
                                                                                                ELMSFO     D FANZ                                                   LLP
                                                                                                       RD FA        INE’
                                                                                                                                                          FEBRU RIL 2008
                                                                                                                                                               ARY 20
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   class was over. Whatever they’re on, I’ve got to

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   get me some.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I thought things couldn't get any worse, but I
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   was wrong. After all but crawling into the chang-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   ing rooms, I was confronted by the sight of a
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   woman prancing around starkers whilst drying
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   her hair. Yes, she was drying her hair with not a
                                                                                                                                                                                      Let’s Get Physical                           stitch on. Now I ask you, would you seriously dry
                                                                                                                                                                             I am surrounded by people who love going to           your hair at home in the buff whilst hanging out
                                                                                                                                                                             the gym. All my friends and family rave about it      the window to see what the neighbours were up
                                                                                                                                                                             and how good it makes them feel, particularly         to? No, you would not. So why be so brazen in
                                                                                                                                                                             afterwards. They are forever ringing me up to         a public changing room? Why do people
                                                                                                                                                                             tell me that they’re just about to go for a work-     assume that you want to look at their naked
                                                                                                                                                                             out. Like I care. In fact, I even have the use of     body? They may be comfortable in their own
                                                                                                                                                                             a state of the art gym and heated indoor pool         skin, but what about the rest of us?
                            www.thee edge
                                                                                                                                                                             right near my home, but do I use it? Do I heck.       I tried to ignore her as best I could, so I turned
                                                       The Edge

                                                                                                                                                                             I bought one of those power plate shakers the
                                                       The Edge ,
                                                               , Chelmsfo
                                                                            ord, CM2
                                                                          rd, CM2

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   my back and began getting my gear out of my
                                                                                  6XD.6XD   .
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                                                                                                                                          077 646
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                                                                                                                                                   797 44 44                 other day that Madonna swears by. I was set-          locker when I heard a voice behind me say,
                                                                                                                                                                             ting it up and thinking to myself, ‘I’m not going     "Nice bag." It was her. Starkers. She’d only
                                                                                                                                                                             to use it as much as Madonna does because I           come over to examine my handbag stark bol-
                                                                                                                                                                             don't want to look as muscley as her.’ So there       lock naked, hadn’t she. I stuttered (well, you
                                                                                                                                                                             I was, getting delusions of being able to do a        would stutter, wouldn’t you?) and mumbled
                                                                                                                                                                             full body workout in 5 minutes flat and look like     something about buying it in Selfridges, hoping
                                                                                                                                                                             a goddess in under a week. Oh, how those              this would shut her up and that she’d go away
                                                                                                                                                                             adverts suck you in.                                  and leave me alone. No such luck. She even
                                                                                                                                                                             Well, I had a go, but I packed it in after just two   struck up a conversation. Starkers. Whilst all the
                                                                                                                                                                             minutes of being shaken, rather than stirred.         time I am thinking to myself, ‘Don't look down.
                                                                                                                                                                             The damn thing gave me a migraine, so that            Just don't look at her muff.’
                                                                                                                                                                             was the end of that. I ended up feeling proper        “What do you think about Britney Spears?” she
                                                                                                                                                                             giddy and sick and had to go have a lie down in       asked me. I don't give a toss about Britney
                                                                                                                                                                             a dark room. I'll never set foot on the damn          Spears. Only why was she asking me about
                                                                                                                                                                             thing again. Does anyone want to make me an           Britney Spears? With no clothes on. “Look at the
                                                                                                                                                                             offer for it?                                         money she’s got,” she said. “She could go shop-
                                                                                                                                                                             I have always hated gyms. How can anyone              ping morning, noon and night if she wanted to,
                                                                                                                                                                             enjoy running ’til the sweat is pouring off you       so how on earth can she be so unhappy? Lucky
                                                                                                                                                                             and making you smell? Don't kid yourself, you         old her, is what I say, not having a husband to
                                                                                                                                                                             do smell.                                             tut and moan about your spending habits. I bet
                                                                                                                                                                             I am so much happier in my own little world of        she doesn't have to sneak her clothes in from
                                                                                                                                                                             shopping. Bending down for shoes (in boxes)           the car in the dead of night. Even if she were
                                                                                                                                                                             and reaching up for handbags (on shelves) is          married, I’ll bet every time her husband said,
                                                                                                                                                                             really hard work, you know. Not to mention the        “New top, love?” she’d go, “What, this tatty old
                                                                                                                                                                             sheer adrenalin that you get when you make a          thing?” World’s just not fair.” Then, without draw-
                                                                                                                                                                             purchase. It is honestly like no other drug           ing breath, she was straight into Britney losing
                                                                                                                                                                             known to (wo)man.                                     her kids. “I do feel sorry for her though,” she
                                                                                                                                                                             The trouble is, every time you pick up a maga-        said. “I mean, have you seen her kids? They
                                                                                                                                                                             zine these days you’re bombarded with stories         look a little bit cross-eyed, don’t you think?
                                                                                                                                                                             of women who have lost 3 stone in two days            Trailer Park Trash is what I say.” But I am no
                                                                                                                                                                             flat. How Liz Hurley lives on two mung beans a        longer listening. All I can think about is keeping
                                                                                                                                                                             day and wakes up full of, well, beans every           my eyes fixed on her face, on my locker, on my
                                                                                                                                                                             morning and can fit into all of the dresses in her    handbag. God help me. Only before I even
                                                                                                                                                                             entire wardrobe is, quite frankly, beyond me. All     know it, I've looked, haven’t I. Then I’m thinking,
                                                                                                                                                                             we keep being told is that we've got to eat ‘five     ‘Oh no, oh God, she knows I've just looked at
                                                                                                                                                                             of this’ and ‘five of that’ every single day’, and    her bits’. I feel terrible. I feel awful. Even after-
                                                                                                                                                                             that we've got to exercise to avoid heart dis-        wards, after I’d managed to extract myself from
                                                                                                                                                                             ease. Only I’ve noticed that since I’ve been          her naked clutches, I’m walking to the car think-
                                                                                                                                                                             married I've put on a few pounds here and             ing. ‘Oh gosh, did I really do that?’
                                                                                                                                                                             there. People say its contentment, but I beg to       OK, so I accept that all of you red hot males out
                                                                                                                                                                             differ. Every time Him Indoors annoys me,             there reading this are currently getting a little
                                                                                                                                                                             which is usually every 10 minutes (even on a          excited under the collar, but just imagine if it was
                                                                                                                                                                             good day), I end up reaching for the biscuit tin      you at the gym and you that a man came over
                                                                                                                                                                             to calm my nerves. I keep telling myself that         to chat to in the changing room, with his dangly
                                                                                                                                                                             biscuits are better than crack cocaine and            bits out everywhere, dangling in front of you
                                                                                                                                                                             vodka, but the reality seems to betray the lie.       whilst blow drying his hair. You'd soon change
                                                                                                                                                                             Despite myself, I decided to get my arse off the      your tune, wouldn't you?
                                                                                                                                                                             couch and go down to my local gym. Never one          So that's it. I am never going to the gym again.
                                                                                                                                                                             to do anything by halves, I immediately decid-        Ever. I’m going back to my usual routine of walk-
                                                                                                                                                                             ed to join in on a spinning class. Now, for those     ing the pounds off by pounding the streets of
                                                                                                                                                                             of you who are sensible and have never set            Chelmsford shopping. Surely I can't get myself
                                                                                                                                                                             foot in a gymnasium in your entire lives, spin-       into too much trouble that way, can I?
                                                                                                                                                                             ning classes consist of riding a stationery bicy-
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