Lets Monkey Around

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					Let’s Monkey Around Sept 1st, 2003

Rehearsals: Sunday Aug 10th 4-6 Tuesday Aug 12th 7-9 Sunday Aug 17th 4-6 Tuesday Aug 19th 6-8 Sunday Aug 24th – Pep rally rehearsal 4-6 Tuesday Aug 26th 7-9 Sunday Aug 31st 4-6 and Pep rally 8:30-11 Monday Aug 1st –SHOW- 10:30-4

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Wellness Idol Friends – 2m, 3f Will and Grace – 2m, 2f PSA 1 – 1f and others Law and Order – 1m, 4f Weakest Link – 4ppl PSA 2 – 1f and others Seinfeld – 3m, 1f Star Trek – 3m, 3f Credits

Troupe: Females: Kate: Monica, Karen, Michelle Megan : Pheobe, ADA Lucy Heather: Grace, Elaine, Klingon Holly: Rachel, Judge, Ensign Alana Violet Meghan B. Roxanne

Males Pierre: Joey, Baliff, Jimbo Malcolm: George Gray, George, Scotty Shawn: MC, Jack, Sterling, Jerry George: Kramer, Spock Brock: Chandler, Bobby, Bones

Friends Drinking Chandler, Rachel and Monica and sitting around Central Perk. Rachel has just returned from Phoebe’s apartment. Monica is cleaning throughout the skit Rachel: Monica, I was knocking on her door for what seemed like hours. By the time Phoebe opened the door I was really getting worried. Rachel, did you leave Emma with her? I had to. I was late for work. My new line of baby clothing for Ralph Lauren comes out in one week. ooo baby clothes. I love baby clothes. Chandler I want to have a baby. Oh you do? Ok. I‟ll just pick one up this afternoon with the groceries. What are you looking for a boy, a girl or should I just see what‟s on sale?

Monica: Rachel:

Monica: Chandler:

(Joey enters with Phoebe. Phoebe is looking tired and hung-over) Joey: Guys you missed one awesome party last night. All the Days of our Lives people were going crazy. I got three girls phone numbers. Yeah, I think Joey has even dated one of them before but that didn‟t seem to matter to him… or to her at the time. (Joey shrugs) Bathroom break. I‟ll be back. (Phoebe goes to the bathroom) Joey I‟m worried about Phoebe she didn‟t seem to be doing too good this morning. Every time you guys go out with your Days of our Lives friends she is always hung-over the next day. Yeah I‟ve noticed that too…but hey they say that drinking is actually healthy for you now, so I didn‟t really think it was a big deal. A drink a day keeps the doctor away right? (Chandler and Joey laugh and high five) Chandler! I was reading Parenting Magazine the other day and it said that might not be true. And they certainly aren‟t implying that you should get drunk every night! Too much of anything is not good. Anything?? Does that include obsessive compulsive cleaning habits?

Phoebe:

Rachel:

Monica:

Joey:

Chandler:

Monica:

Chandler:

Rachel:

Phoebe‟s coming back. Listen, I‟m going to talk to her about this. It‟s not safe for her to be drinking this much.

(Phoebe comes back from the bathroom) Rachel: Phoebe: Phoebs come sit. You look a little under the weather is everything ok? The naked guy from across the alley came to my work for a massage today. Naked up close is no better than naked far away. Other than that and a little bit of the stomach flu… Phoebs, what Rachel is trying to say is that we‟re kinda worried about you. You haven‟t seemed yourself lately. Huh? Well who do I seem like? (Under his breath) Ozzy Osborne during his alcoholic stage.

Monica:

Phoebe: Chandler:

(Phoebe looks confused Rachel and Monica don’t know what to say to get Phoebe to understand?) Joey: It‟s like this Phoebe: You know those stray cats in central park? Well let‟s pretend we are all like those cats. One big happy cat family. Now when we go out and have fun we hang out together, grab a bit from the local mouse house, have a pat from the park walkers and head home. You do all that with us too, but you also head over to the garbage bin and pig out on week old lunches. Now, having, like, a bite of an egg sandwich is well and good, we all do that once and a while, but eating the whole lunch, and returning day after day can make you really sick. And the long term side affects of eating bag lunches for cats is scary…. and smelly -

(as Joey explains others look confused, but Phoebe understands) Phoebe: Are you talking about Smelly Cat, because if you are I can sing it for you… No Phoebs. What we‟re trying to say is -

Rachel:

(Phoebe gets it) Phoebe: Oh, you guys think I have a drinking problem. Well, don‟t worry guys, I don‟t.

(Joey is happy that he reached her. Makes a linked in the mind motion) Monica: We see you go out night after night, during the week and on the weekend.

Phoebe: Joey: Phoebe: Rachel:

I like to go out and relax after all that massaging. And you drink more than even I do and that is impressive. Drinking loosens me up, the more I drink, the better I feel. We‟re just worried about you honey. We don‟t think that your drinking habits are very healthy. Come on guys, you don‟t really think I have a problem. Healthy is my middle name. It really is (Pulls out her drivers license) See – Phoebe Healthy Buffay. Do you remember how you got home last night? Didn‟t Joey bring me home. Phoebs, I put you in a cab after we got to my apartment. We were in your apartment? Oh my god…did we have sex? What about this morning when Rachel came to drop off Emma and you were sick to your stomach. What about two minutes ago when you threw up? I used to get sick all the time. You were pregnant! Oh, right…but it‟s not like I drink a bottle of wine a night. I usually just have, like, 5 drinks. Phoebs, I don‟t even have that many drinks in a week. Don‟t you see you can‟t keep up this lifestyle its not good for you or your body. Wow, I never really knew that this was a problem. It‟s just that those Days of our Lives people are so scary and with a drink or two I actually managed to talk to Jack Deveraux, and even gave him my number. Phoebs, I totally understand you wanting to loosen up and Jack Deveraux is the hottest man alive….next to Joey of course, but I think its time that you went about it another way. Maybe invite them over to have a bath. Soap up with the soap stars.

Phoebe:

Rachel: Phoebe: Joey: Phoebe: Monica:

Phoebe: Chandler: Phoebe:

Rachel:

Phoebe:

Chandler:

Phoebe:

Ok. Maybe I will. I guess I see your point, I don‟t need to get drunk all the time. I‟ll just let my natural charm woo the seductive Jack Deveraux. I‟m really lucky to have people like you guys looking out for me. With your help I feel like I can do anything. You definitely can Phoebs, except putting that cold drink on my wooden coffee table without a coaster. Monica! Come on, Phoebs needs a hug.

Monica:

Rachel:

(Rachel, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler hug) Joey: Hey! All right!

(All look at Joey sternly) Joey: Oh right. Sorry guys.

(Joey joins the group hug.)

The End

Will and Grace Coming Out, Heterosexism Issues Grace and Will are in their apartment. Grace is at the fridge with an open ice cream container Grace: Will did you eat all my monkey mojo jamocha fudge peanut banana icecream? Will: Grace you know how I get when I watch old reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, all that kicking and neck biting makes me hungry. Jack Bursts into the room. Jack: Just Jack Orientation 2003! Will: Jack what are you doing here don‟t you haveJack: Enough from you Will, ps. While spying on Kevin Bacon last night he came over and asked about you.

Will: Wow, does he want to dance again? Jack: I didn‟t ask. Back to me. Which tie makes me look more straight? The floral plaid or the school boy striped? Grace: (sarcastically) They are both so wonderfully straight looking, I can‟t pick. Jack: Oh be quiet chicken legs. I‟m trying to impress someone here. Karen‟s throwing back the cocktails in the lobby, two for one deal she couldn‟t pass up. Will: Jack, you‟re trying to impress someone with your outstanding choice of straight looking tie? This doesn‟t make sense. Jack: What‟s with you people today? Hello did someone replace my Will and Grace with alien impersonators? The hotty in my new acting class at school is very conservateeve, so I am following suit and going back in. Grace: Going back in? Jack: Jack is gay no more. Just Jack straight man extrodinare. Jack is back in the closet. Karen burst through the door Karen: Hi kids. There some Wellness chumps in your lobby selling Mocktails, I‟d had about 3 until I realized they were alcohol free.

Jack: Karen, will you please remind the Two Stooges over here about my plan for hotty number 4694? Karen: Jacky darling, they have enough time understanding their own love life, they aren‟t about to understand yours. Jack: Ok Tweedledee and Tweedledum it‟s like this: Hotty from acting class is very, je ne sais quoi. I just can‟t seem to get a good gaydar on this one. Gay or not gay that is the question. I have to go back in to make sure I don‟t make a fool out of myself. It‟s the only way to get close to him and make sure he‟s one of us. So strap me into the straight jacket and call me Jake. Once he notices me as a straight man, with slightly flamboyant tendancies he will be dying to let me in on his true self. Then I‟ll come out again and bring him with me. Out of the closet, out of the straight jacket, out of my tie and pants. Will: So you‟re going back in to come back out? Grace: He‟s out, going in, coming out? Karen: He was in, he came out, he‟s back in and will come out in the future. Get it? I need a drink. Karen goes and get a drink, juice box is the only option. Does not look impressed, stands for the duration of scene with straw in mouth. Will: I think you may want to think this over again. How long is this straight thing going to last? You‟ve worked hard at becoming an out, proud gay man, why sacrifice that? Grace: You meet a new hot guy every week. What makes this guy different? Jack: This gives me a chance to try out Just Jake, straight man on the streets, to explore the straight life and understand what straight men do all night. And then to be exposed and vulnerable to a really delicious man. We can come out together! Will: We don‟t want you to explore straight life. We don‟t want Jake, we want just Jack, your love of men inspires the rest of us not to give up, we can‟t do it alone. How can this guy mean that much to you? Grace picks up on Wills over dramatic train of thought Grace: We need you Jack. You let us know if our hair is to high or our pants to tight. You let us know when we have a hot new door man and keep us up on the Justin and Britney saga. With you back in the closet we wouldn‟t know anything about what‟s going on in the real world.

Jack: Stop, stop, stop. Ok. For you two poor, cultural deficient people, I won‟t do it. I can‟t let you guys down, I can‟t leave you with no leader…. I can‟t wear this tie with this shirt. Will: Coming out was the most difficult thing I had to do. Telling my friends and family that I liked men? It was hard, but I had some great people supporting me (Grace goes to give Will a hug, instead of hugging her he says) though I did suddenly develop an amazing sense of style and understanding of hair products. Grace: Why put yourself through that again Jack? Pretending to be someone you aren‟t, when you are perfect and wonderful the way you are? Jack: I know I am. Will: And many guys would kill to meet a guy like you. Jack: I know they would and do. Grace: So let this closet thing go. Ok? Jack: Alright. Jack is out, he was in and out and in and out and not in ever again. Thanks for all your help, Karen. Karen: No problem Fancy Face. Now come give me a big wet one. Karen and Jack do a belly bump. Karen: Now who wants to come watch me get my hair cut. Jack: Me, me, oh oh me. (jumping and waving hand in the arm) Will and Grace look to Jack and Karen as if they are half crazed and go back to sitting on the couch. Karen and Jack gallop out of the apartment.

The End.

Public Service Announcement 1: Healthy Living Person: Hi, I‟m Joy MacCurl, you may remember me from such after school specials as “Don‟t Play with your Dog unless he‟s had his Heart Worm Vitamins” and “Smog, the New Black Plague.” I‟m here today to bring you this Public Service Announcement “Dirty Hands Leads to Dirty Plans” We are currently moving through potentially dangerous health times, your attention to the following demonstration of good personal hygiene may save you at least one trip to the doctor. People already familiar with personal hygiene are asked to pay attention, as new concerns in this area are arising daily. (Assistants take their places around the auditorium in pairs). When signs of sickness are evident please follow these guidelines, ensuring that you have Kleenexes or a handkerchief near by in case of coughing, sneezing or running nose. I of each pair of Assistants mime coughing, sneezing, general sickness and using handkys and Kleenexes Ladies and Gentlemen, please bear in mind that these assistants may have a communicable disease. These diseases are easily passed from one person to another and if you live in residence your risk of catching these diseases increase. Both Assistants show signs of general sickness To ensure sure your trip through University is a happy and healthy one, here are some strategies that will minimize your risk of catching a communicable disease and keep you healthy for your studies and your social life. Assistants smile Make sure that all of your immunizations are up to date and carry your immunization record with you. 1 Assistant plays doctor and gives the other a pretend needle in the arm, hip or bum – your choice, and then checks off the immunization record and gives it to the other. Personal hygiene habits are equally important in preventing disease. Care and frequent hand washing, especially in your new residence environment and during cold and flu season is the one significant thing that you can do to wash away germs. Assistants wash their hands, pass soap and towel back and forth.

Make sure that drinking and eating utensils are washed before reuse. Don‟t share drinking vessels or cigarettes. 1 Assistant smoking, the other drinking a juice, pass them back and forth until they hear the “don’t share drinking vessels…” put out the cigarette and away the juice and have some sort of reaction to this sharing of germs. If you become ill, consider the health of those around you. If you are coughing and sneezing, cover your mouth and turn your head. Assistants use various methods of keeping germs to themselves (ex. Using a hankerchief, Kleenex, book,). One person defies the rules and sneezes directly on their partner. Lifestyle is also important for staying healthy. Get enough rest. Eat a well balanced diet. Live a balanced life. There are now vaccines available to prevent Meningitis, Chicken Pox and Influenza. Although these vaccinations are not required they could be valuable for those who have a greater risk from communicable diseases or for those who want the added benefit. See Student Health Services in the John T. Powell building for more details. Assistants move back up to the front. Stand together. Put arms around each other. Make the most out of your time at University. Follow these easy steps to ensure that you stay Healthy and remember to: ALL: Play Safe and Have Fun. I‟m Joy MacCurl thanks for joining us. We will now return to regularly scheduled programming.

Law & Order A court room. Assistant District Attorney Serena Southerlyn is seated beside her client, Michelle. Defense attorney Terry Sterling is seated on the other side of the judge’s chair, facing the judge. The judge sits centre-stage facing the audience. The bailiff stands beside the judge. Judge: Lewin: Miss Southerlyn, you may call your next witness. The prosecution calls Michelle Burton.

Michelle gets up from her seat and takes the seat next to the judge. Bailiff: Michelle: Lewin: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? I swear. Michelle, can you please tell us of your side of the events that took place on the night in question. I was at this party at a friend‟s house and Jim was there. Now I‟d seen him around before, and just like every other one of my friends, I thought that he was totally hot. I decided I‟d get up the nerves to go over and talk to him. What did you talk about? We talked about school and stuff. He was a really great listener. It felt really good to be able to talk to him. What happened next? Well, after an hour or so, we were still talking and the party was dying out, so he asked me back to his room for a drink. And you went. Yeah, we were having such a great conversation, I didn‟t want it to end. So what took place once you reached his room? Well I was sitting on the bed while he was getting me a drink. As he sat down and handed me the drink, he kissed me. And what did you do?

Michelle:

Lewin: Michelle:

Lewin: Michelle:

Lewin: Michelle: Lewin: Michelle:

Lewin:

Michelle:

Smiled, probably. Like I said, I thought he was really good looking, I certainly wasn‟t going to complain about him kissing me. So you kissed him back? Yeah, I guess so, but then he started pushing me down on the bed, and I wasn‟t so comfortable with that. What did you do? I told him I didn‟t want to do this, that I was fine with kissing but that was it. And did he stop? No, he just shusshed at me. And then he started... (Pause) I‟m sorry to make you describe this, but we need to know the details. I know, he started taking pushing my dress up. I struggled to get away, but he was bigger than I was, I couldn‟t move. I got scared and then I just froze, and that was when... Michelle? That was when he raped me. (Pause) It was terrible, he was so rough. It probably wasn‟t long, but it seemed to last forever. And what happened then? It was as if in his mind he hadn‟t done anything wrong. He kept asking me what was wrong. He offered to walk me home but I told him that I felt safer walking alone. I still don‟t think he got the point. Thank you Michelle for your brave testimony. You did the right thing in pressing charges. I understand that you went to a doctor right away and that a physical examination was performed. Yes that‟s correct. Your honour, please note that the results of that exam are entered into evidence as people‟s thirty-two. No further questions. Your witness Mr. Sterling.

Lewin: Michelle:

Lewin: Michelle:

Lewin: Michelle: Lewin:

Michelle:

Lewin: Michelle:

Lewin: Michelle:

Lewin:

Michelle: Lewin:

Judge:

Sterling gets up and walks towards Michelle, begins questioning right away, showing no concern for her emotional state. Sterling: Michelle: Sterling: Michelle: Sterling: Michelle: Sterling: Michelle: Sterling: Michelle: Sterling: What colour was the dress you had on? Red. And were you wearing makeup? A bit, I guess. Lipstick? Yes. Let‟s talk about your story, you said that you initiated contact, correct? Yes. And that you were attracted to him? Yes. With your appearance being what it was that evening, would you say that you were making an effort to attract his attention? I guess you could say that. You confided in him, and you felt a close connection to him. Yes, I did. So when he asked you back to his room, there were definitely what you might call “positive vibes” between the two of you, yes? Yes, at that point. And the kissing that took place further enhanced that. Yeah, I guess. Had you given him any indication, based on your appearance, your initial forwardness, your consent to return to his room and your sexual foreplay that you did not want to have sex with him? Objection!

Michelle: Sterling: Michelle: Sterling:

Michelle: Sterling: Michelle: Sterling:

Lewin:

Judge: Michelle: Sterling:

Sustained, Mr. Sterling, you are walking a very dangerous line. I said no! I‟ll withdraw the question. Michelle, are you quite certain that you‟re saying “no” wasn‟t simply a ploy to prevent you from seeming easy? Objection! Mr. Sterling, what we are dealing with here is acquaintance rape, forced, manipulated or coerced sexual intercourse by a partner of friend, what she wore or what she said do not excuse the actions of your client. She said all she needed to say, she said no. This young woman is feeling ashamed, betrayed and frightened. The psychological effects can be devastating and can last for a considerable amount of time. I‟m afraid that I see this far too often among university students, particularly those in their first year. Despite your best attempts to convince us of the contrary Mr. Sterling, she is not to blame for this incident and I‟m afraid that for your client, there is no acceptable defense. THE END

Lewin: Judge:

Weakest Link STIs George Gray: And we‟re back on The Weakest Link special Wellness STI episode. We are down to three contestants. Together with the three they voted off they have raise the pathetic sum of $20. Forgot to bring your brains to the games? You will have 1 min to answer as many questions as you can correctly. Jimbo, you were the strongest link in the last round so you will begin. Let‟s play The Weakest Link. George: Jimbo: George: What is the most common STI on University Campuses? Genital Warts That is correct, unfortunately I need the clinical term. The correct answer is Human Papilloma Virus. Lucy, what is the common term for Papanicolaou Examination? Pap smear Correct. Bobby, Bank. What fungus grows in a woman‟s vagina, causes itching and pain and is usually not harmful? This term is also used to make bread rise. Mushrooms? No. Baking Soda? No – The correct term is Yeast. Jimbo, What STI can be transmitted by getting someone‟s infected blood, semen or vaginal fluid in your vagina or rectum during sex or getting someone‟s blood in your vein by sharing needles? HIV – Human Immunodeficiency Virus Correct. Lucy, It‟s a virus that infects your liver. It is very strong and spreads fast, but there is a vaccine for this STI. What is it? Hepatitis B. Correct. Bobby, Bank. What STI – And we are out of time. That ends our lightening round. You‟ve bank a piteous $40 in the last round. That brings the grand total to

Lucy: George: Bobby: George:

Bobby: George:

Jimbo: George:

Lucy: George: Bobby: George:

a wretched $60. Which one of you infections needs a vaccine? It is time to vote off the Weakest Link. Voice over: In the last round Lucy was the strongest link having answered all her questions correct. Bobby, answering all his wrong was the only person to bank any money. It‟s the votes that count, let‟s see them. Bobby Bobby

George: Jimbo: Lucy:

Bobby: (holds up a sign that says “hello my name is…Bobby) Bobby. George: Lucy: George: Lucy why did you vote for Bobby. Well George…He‟s stupid. You seem to have the delusions of adequacy Bobby. You leave with nothing. You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.

Bobby walks downstage Right for the walk of shame and the post-vote interview Bobby: I really feel like I did my best, I may not know a lot about STIs but I do know how to bank and that really is the important thing in this game. Though I guess if I answered some questions right I may not have been voted off. (Bobby walks offstage) George: Lets move onto the Head to Head only one of you can take home the winning. I will ask you each up to three questions, the person who gets the most right takes home the great big Free Parking sum of $60, you can buy yourself a nice new car with that one. Lucy, since you were the strongest Link you may choose to go first or second in the Head to Head. Lucy: George: I‟ll go second. Then let‟s play, The Weakest Link

George: Jimbo, name the STI that includes the following symptoms: strange discharge from the vagina or watery discharge from the penis, pain when you urinate and pain in the lower abdomen for women and in the testicles for men.

Jimbo:

That would be Chlamydia, George, but I have to add that many people may never know that they are inflected and never have symptoms. George: Good point Jimbo, but let‟s remember who the host of this show is, I‟m afraid that‟ll cost you a point. Lucy, name the infection that is usually caused by bacteria from your bowels. The bacteria in your bowels can get moved to the urethra when you have vaginal or oral sex. Lucy: A urinary tract infection is the answer George.

George: Correct Lucy, Jimbo you are a disappointment. Lucy leads 1 to -1. Jimbo if you answer this question wrong Lucy will get a chance to answer. Jimbo what is the best way to stay safe from STIs if you choose to be sexually active? Jimbo: Get checked regularly for STIs, make sure that all your sexual partners are clean. George: I‟m sorry Jimbo. Though those were both good answers, getting checked is not a preventative and you can‟t tell if your sexual partners are clean just by looking at them. Lucy? Lucy: Using a barrier such as a condom or dental dam every time you participate in sexual activities is the best way to stay safe. George: Correct. Jimbo you are The Weakest Link. You leave with nothing. Goodbye. George: Lucy you leave with an amazing sum of $60 congratulations, I didn‟t know a student from The University of Western Ontario would know so much about STIs. Lucy: Oh, well I transferred from Guelph.

George: That explains it. See you next time on The Weakest Link, where only one goes home with something and everyone feels a little sorry for themselves. Goodbye!

The End.

Public Service Announcement 2: Safer Sex Person: Hi, I‟m Joy MacCurl. You may remember me from such after school specials as “My Vagina and me” and “Going the Distance – A how to guide to successful long distance relationships.” I‟m here today to bring you this public service announcement – “Sex – bring on the safety, bring on the fun.” Assistants make their way to their posts. We are currently moving through potentially dangerous sexual times, your attention to the following demonstration of the correct use of safety equipment may save your life. People already familiar with safety procedures are asked to pay attention, as new concerns in this area are arising daily. When signs of arousal are evident, please extinguish all cigarettes, put food in the proper waste container and move pens and pencils to a safe distance away… Assistants mime butting cigarettes, putting food away, moving pens and pencils. …as even an expert will require the use of both hands. Assistants show both hands. For this safety simulation, bananas will be used for the sake of demonstration. Assistants hold up bananas. Ladies and gentlemen, please bear in mind that in the event of sexual encounters it will be necessary to perform the following procedures on an actual penis. Also, please keep in mind that dental dams are a barrier method for oral or manual in the genital area. Assistants remove condom or dental dam from their bag Please take note as assistants take the latex from its cool, dry storage place and check the expiry date. Any latex that has reached its expiry date listed on the box or package should be immediately replaced. Assistants check packages. Some throw them away and get new ones. When handling the condom or dental dam, use the utmost caution to avoid tears or punctures that may result from contact with watches rings or long nails. Assistants remove watches, rings, file their nails and take out dental dams A dental dam is made from natural latex rubber and is placed over the vaginal opening or the anus during oral sex.

Assistants mime putting the Dental dam over the front or back hinny. Remember to hold the edges securely. Assistants hold the edges. One a little to hard and sends the dental dam flying. Dispose the dental dam after single use. Assistants drop the dental dams. Latex dental dams help protect against the transmission of STIs including HIV during oral-vaginal and oral –anal sex. You can make dental dams by cutting the tip off a condom and cutting lengthwise down one side or pick up a dental dam at your local pharmacy. Assistants pick up the condoms and bananas and follow Erotica’s instructions. For condom use, push the condom down and then tear open the package, no teeth. 1 assistant attempts to use their teeth. Take the condom out and squeeze the air from the reservoir tip. Roll the condom down the entire length of the erect penis. Remember that you are dealing with sensitive equipment, condoms only roll one way. If you are performing this part of the procedure incorrectly, some one will notify you, as the result will be painful. Assistants grimace. After ejaculation has occurred, the penis must be withdrawn while it is still erect, not flaccid. Assistants demonstrate “flaccid” with bananas, then make banana erect again. The condom should be held at the base of the penis to avoid losing it or leakage, then carefully take the condom off the penis, tie in a knot and dispose in a waste receptacle. Assistants dispose of condoms. In the event of a sexual encounter, the use of petroleum base lubricants is strictly prohibited. Assistants shake their heads and fingers. A water-based lubricant, such as K-Y Jelly…

Assistants show a K-Y container or package. Will reduce condom-breaking friction and make the experience much more pleasurable. Assistants nod their heads and smile and begin to clean up. When they are done they come together at the front of the stage. Thank you for your attention. Being comfortable with these procedures will ensure a safe and enjoyable experience. Please refer to the instruction literature that you will find enclosed with the condoms and dental dams. Make the most out of your time at University. Follow these easy steps to ensure that you stay safe. Remember that the safest sex is no sex or solo sex! ALL: Play safe and have fun! I‟m Joy MacCurl thanks for joining us. We will now return to regularly scheduled programming.

Seinfeld Body Image Jerry and George are sitting on the sofa in Jerry’s apartment. George: Jerry: George: Jerry: George: So it‟s about nothing. Nothing? Nothing. A sitcom about nothing. Nothing. Characters like you and me, Kramer and Elaine sit around and talk about nothing. I don‟t know…

Jerry:

Kramer burst in through the door, looks around frantically and then runs to the Bathroom. Jerry and George look at each other in confusion. Jerry: George: Did that just happen? I don‟t know Jerry.

After a minute, Kramer returns, doing up his pants. Kramer: Jerry: Kramer: George: Jerry: Kramer: Howdy. What‟s all the rushing about? It‟s this new diet I‟m on. Diet? Why are you on a diet? Think about it Jerry, I‟m gonna be a runway model. Free flights, all the celery sticks I can eat, what more can a guy want? What kind of diet is this? Oh, I just pop a few of these laxatives and weight comes right off.

Jerry: Kramer:

Kramer hands the bottle to Jerry.

Jerry: Elaine enters. Elaine: Jerry: George:

Or right out of you.

Hi Jerry, having some back up problems? No, Kramer is on a diet. He want to be a runway model. Hey, do you notice any changes in your hands? I was thinking of trying out the hand modeling business again. I‟m sure it does, it comes –

Kramer:

Abruptly runs off to the bathroom again. Elaine: I don‟t think this is such a good idea for Kramer. Should we say something? Hey, if a man wants to lose weight, let him. Firstly, I don‟t think Kramer needs to lose weight. Secondly, this is not the safe way of going about it.

George: Jerry:

Kramer returns, again doing up his pants. Kramer: Jerry: Sometimes it can just sneak up on ya. Kramer, I don‟t think you should be doing this. It can‟t be good for your body at all. Yeah Kramer. Haven‟t you heard all of the horror stories about losing a lot of weight really quickly? Do you think this will work for my hands? George, snap out of it. Your hands aren‟t that pretty! Hey, these are top quality hands mister! All right, all right! Kramer, you gotta stop taking these. How many times a day do you go to the washroom?

Elaine:

George: Jerry: George: Jerry: Elaine:

Kramer rushes to the bathroom again.

Jerry:

I‟ll tell ya, if he clogs that toilet up, I am not going to be happy.

Kramer comes back in doing up his pants and looking really tired. Kramer: I think you might be right, this is really taking a toll on me. That felt like I lost my lower intestine. Why don‟t you try modeling the way you are? Hey that‟s a great idea. I gotta go make some phone calls.

Jerry: Kramer:

Elaine takes the bottle from Jerry. Elaine: Kramer: Jerry: Elaine: Jerry: Elaine: George: You gonna‟ stop taking these things? Yeah, I‟m done with them. Give „em to George. George doesn‟t need them either. So how are the sitcom ideas coming? We‟ve thought of nothing. No ideas at all, eh? No, nothing! That‟s the idea, nothing! The End

Star Trek Captain Kirk is sitting in his Captain’s Chair centre stage. Mr. Spock, and Dr. Bones are all on the bridge with Kirk. Kirk: Captain‟s Log, Stardate 09012003 After many hours of battle, the enterprise has finally emerged victorious. We have thwarted the Klingon attempt to surround the enterprise and capture a Starfleet vessel. We have beamed up a Klingon ambassador, along with some paper mache rocks from the surface below. The prisoner is currently being held in the brig. I suppose we‟ll have to clean out the stench later. We still don‟t know what to do about the rocks.

Ensign Smith enters. Ensign: Kirk: Ensign: Spock: Captain, I have something to report. Go ahead Ensign. Sir, the Klingon prisoner is acting strangely. Could you be more specific in your description of the prisoner‟s behaviour? Well, I‟m not sure I can describe it, you really need to see it for yourself. Bring the Klingon to the bridge, I‟ll examine them myself. Bones, you want to bring that that smelly, murderous, lice-infested Klingon up here to my bridge? You can go down to the brig and inspect that retched animal yourself. Dammit Jim, I‟m a doctor, not a veterinarian. Captain, perhaps it would be more logical if I were to go to the brig and examine the prisoner myself. Yes, Spock, you‟re absolutely right. You people are always thinking on your feet. Captain, you‟re making a generalization. Oh, Spock, you know I‟m just joking with you. That does not excuse your behaviour. Mr. Spock, please just go to the bridge and examine the prisoner.

Ensign: Bones: Kirk:

Bones: Spock:

Kirk:

Spock: Kirk: Spock: Kirk:

Spock: Spock exits. Kirk:

Very well Captain.

Damn those Klingon savages. They won‟t stop until the human race and Starfleet have been destroyed. They are the most violent creatureson this side of the neutral zone.

Scotty calls from the engineering room. Scotty: Kirk: Scotty: Kirk: Captain? Yes Scotty. I think ye might be exaggeratin‟ a wee bit. No Scotty, it‟s true. A Klingon told me that they were savages, so it‟s okay that I tell everyone else.

Spock and the Klingon enter. Kirk does not notice them. Kirk: Klingon: Kirk: Besides, everybody loves a good Klingon joke. Are you making fun of me? Spock, are you out of your Vulcan mind? Why are you bringing this smelly thing on my bridge without shackles? Don‟t you know that Klingons are murdering savages? You are endangering the lives of my entire crew! Bones, get over there and tie the prisoner up. Dammit Jim, I‟m a doctor, not a dominatrix. Captain, I believe that you are being illogical in this matter. I have examined this prisoner and they are showing no violent tendencies whatsoever, nor does the prisoner seem to be malodorous. I believe that you have prejudged this Klingon on previous false stereotypes that you have heard. Spock, not the mind melt again! Captain, I understand that you may have preconceptions about my race, however, let me assure you that we Klingons have thoughts and feelings much like humans. To quote William Shakespeare, “If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?”

Bones: Spock:

Kirk: Klingon:

Spock:

Captain, the Klingon‟s knowledge of Shakespeare may go to prove that they are not as savage and uneducated as you have come to believe. Perhaps you‟re right Spock. After all, I am quite the Shakespearean actor myself. Shall I demonstrate my talent?

Kirk:

The crew looks uneasily at each other. Ensign: Maybe we should just concentrate on the whole Klingon situation.

The other crewmembers nod in agreement. Kirk: Klingon bastard! You killed my son! No, wait, that‟s another episode. Jim, what‟s my line? Dammit Jim, I‟m a doctor, not a cue card. I think that we have all learned an important lesson today. It is my understanding that it is human nature to fear or hate what is unfamiliar. When I first came aboard this ship, I was alienated because I was different, however, I have come to be accepted now that you all know me. You respect me and I, in turn, respect you. Perhaps one day human beings will learn to treat all peoples, races and planetary origins equally. Spock, my most profound Vulcan friend. I see once again that you are right. I extend to all a most humble invitation to my planet to meet my people. I am able to cook quite a mean quiche. Sounds great, you don‟t by any chance, have any sisters? (Offstage) I‟ll bring the drinks Captain! Warp six Scotty. I am ready to meet some Klingon babes! I‟m givin‟ her all she‟s got Captain. I canno‟ give her anymore!

Bones: Spock:

Kirk:

Klingon:

Kirk: Scotty: Kirk: Scotty:

The enterprise shakes and Ensign Smith falls down. Bones moves to check on him/her. Bones: Kirk: THE END He/she‟s dead. Not the ensign. We always lose the ensign.


				
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