Inspired

Inspired Rose_of_luvvvvv POTO site No email listed in profile Key: Blue—my commentary—in no way are my suggestions to be taken as “the only way it can go.” I am not so arrogant as to think I am perfect. I offer alternatives for use and suggestion because I feel it is easier to do that than to explain what I would like to see you convey. It would take me 5 sentences to say what can be done with a few words. Yellow—phraseology or grammar issues—this may be using an alternate word, the wrong tense, passive versus active voice, commas, or other items. All such notes are followed by commentary to specify what is needed and why. Green—delete unnecessary words—I do not go into any explanation. These are simply unnecessary words. If you read the sentences without those words, you‟ll see it runs smoother without than with. Paragraph level detail: Where does the name Ameris come from? That‟s just my curiosity. It‟s highly unusual, and I‟m typically the queen of unusual. So, I ask. Ameris looked out over the open countryside. The dew resting on the grass beneath her feet was drying steadily as the sun was rising in the sky. Note: keep your tense the same, as well as passive vs. active voice. “Was rising” = passive. “Rose” = active. The same is true throughout. Was drawing = drew. Could hear = heard: The air smelled of sweet honeysuckle and fresh spring water. She was drawing near to a stream. She could hear the soft rippling of the cool water splashing playfully over the rocks. Tall weeds and grasses covered the soft earth and crunched under her as she walked along. The ground became softer as she drew nearer to the water. The sound made her content and peaceful. Opening description, very nicely detailed. Fixing the passive/active issue will make it read tighter. Water often did that to her; bewitched her, like an evil spell. The smooth trickling of a spicket or the small drips that one often hears near a well, were all mesmerizing. They made her feel happy, No comma here in the most evocative way. When she heard a steady stream, or played in the ripples of a nearby lake, she was remembered of reminiscent memories This is completely awkward word usage. I couldn‟t make heads or tails of it. How about “she was reminded of days with her father.” Or simply “she remembered days…” of her days with her father. She tried not to think of her father at this moment. Too many other things were rushing through her mind. She reached the creek and slipped off her rust colored because this description MUST stay together, it would be proper to hyphenate the words loafers. She sat on a nearby rock and draped her green cloak on a tree branch that lay next to her. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, she stuck her blistered feet in the spongy elastic mud letting the refreshing water run over them. For a moment, just a small moment, Ameris felt as if nothing would ever hurt her again. This moment of enduring peace was all she needed to be happy. It was as if she was a rope being tugged and pulled at endlessly. She was always being put to use then being yanked at once more, only to receive the same treatment as the last time. Awkward: just reword the sentence for easier reading. Picking up her skirts she waded up to her knees in the stream. She had not realized before how deep this pool was. The bottom of the small river was coated with pebbles and rocks of different colors, sizes, and magnitudes. The small pebbles reminded her of people, trying to defy the rules of life, only to be swept away by the current. She lifted up her dress even higher exposing part of her undergarments. Although she didn‟t mind this for she would make serious difficulty for her if she were to get them wet. Question: During what time period is this specifically set? That would determine what kind of undergarments Ameris would posses. As would her social class. Although with fan fiction, it is not entirely necessary to have details like that correct, it is good to get into the habit now to prepare yourself should you decide to write secular fiction. The sun was now at had now reached the highest point in the sky comma warming Ameris down to her toes. She guessed it was about noon. She would have to be back in two hours or so. Wading slowly back to shore she stepped on the mossy green pebbles in between the layers of malleable mud. When she came up to the large boulder, she tied her long wavy hair back and bent down to the stream to wash her face. The cool water splashed on her face cleaning away dried tears and refreshing her. She gave her hands a quick rinse and stood up to grab her cloak. I‟m not trying to say that this whole bit is wrong; it‟s just off kilter a bit. It feel wrong. Let me give an attempt to see if I can show you what I mean. Ameris tipped her head to the sky, absorbing the warmth of the noon sun. She sighed, realizing that her free time was nearly gone. Two hours would never be enough. She waded back to shore through the mossy green pebbles, malleable mud squishing between her toes in a soothing yet slimy manner. She paused at the large boulder near the shore and tied her long, wavy hair behind her head, then bent to cup the cool water in her work-worn hands. The chill of the mountain-fed stream seeped through the layers of tears and dirt, whisking them away, leaving her refreshed and ready for another round of torturous duty. She drew a deep breath, wiped her hands on her skirt, and reached for her cloak. The cotton fabric warmed her further as she walked back over trod the familiar grasslands to a small house that did not lie far away. Her loafers again, time period would determine footwear clicked against the cobblestone road and kicked up a trail of dust. The weeds in between the stones were a sign of showed poverty, which was not only the truth, but not only is always accompanied by but also reminded her of the sick life her father had left her to. Walking up the stone steps she turned to her left to pick up the fire wood for the hearth. Surely they would need more firewood to keep the fire alive. Ameris opened the door and walked stepped(?)—you use the word walk 3 times in this paragraph inside the house. “Ameris! Do you realize how long you have been away? I am hungry and the fire is out. Now, I suggest you tend to me or I shall have to tell my father you have been slacking,” shrieked a lady in the first room sitting on a sofa. a voice shrieked from across the room. The A woman was lying on a velour couch gorging her obese form with Swedish sweets. Her bulbous figure was far too large to be sitting on such a small divan. Her corset was the only gateway between stopping her exploding out of from the crème colored gown she was wearing. The lady‟s face was growing flushed from not being able to breath. The corset was so tight, that rolls of muscle-less fat were bulging over the neck line. The corset aided in enlarging her already monumental breasts in overflowing their constraints. Her legs were like two stout jellyrolls with Ameris rolled up in the middle. Uh…what? Why would she see herself rolled in the middle of this enormous woman‟s legs? That‟s just a gross picture to put into mind. Ameris felt sick to her stomach whenever she saw the lady, so she tried to keep her eyes off, and stick to her duty. “I apologize for my lack of feeling Callista. I deeply ask for your forgiveness. I was not paying attention, and for that I know I must pay the consequences, however severe,” she said with a melancholy tone. For, Ameris was an astounding actress, and could fool the slyest of men! She was not sorry at all, not even in the least bit. Ameris She quickly curtsied and proceeded to build another fire. Callista; the name always amused Ameris, for Ameris. Callista Callista, in Greek, means beautiful and graceful. It was often a game of hers to watch the fat oaf practice her dancing, or take a walk, for she lacked both of those traits. In fact, Ameris thought that Callista looked like a toad, except for the fact that a toad is a somewhat interesting creature. Ameris absolutely despised the woman. She was no younger or older than herself, so why would she have to tend to her like she would a young toddler? It was even necessary to bathe and change her because of her startling weight. It was amazing that Ameris could even survive with that kind of mass put on her. Unfortunately, Callista‟s family was the only one willing enough to give her a job. Ameris‟s master, Callista‟s father, was a rich, but foolish, man who gambled with most of his monthly salary. Each month, he gives Callista an allowance to buy with: groceries (knowing Callista, this is half the amount,) one fourth with to pay Ameris‟s wages, and the last fourth to pay bills and buy new things. It was disgusting to Ameris to see Callista spend so much on food, and stuff it in her large, droll mouth. Needs clarification. It‟s a bit harsh. Here is a chance to let the reader see very deeply into Ameris and her relationship with Callista. Suggestion only: Callista‟s father was a rich and foolish man who gambled most of his monthly salary. Yet, he‟d still been the only person willing to hire the young, slight of build girl. The master gave Callista a portion of his salary for her living allowance. From that, she was to pay Ameris‟ wages, purchase the groceries, and pay the few household bills. Ameris found herself constantly angered at watching Callista stuff herself to the point of gluttony while she, the one who lifted, carried, bathed and changed the woman, remained with very little food of her own. The woman could probably care for herself if she ever deigned to make an effort at anything other than gorging her body. “Ameris! I am absolutely famished period I haven‟t eaten in what has seemed like months!” rule of thumb: reserve exclamation points for extreme situations. Use the wording after the dialogue to show the emotion whined Callista still lounging lazily from her spot on the chaise. It was horrid enough that she felt hungry while Ameris herself hadn‟t eaten a descent meal in three years, but at the time she said it, she was stuffing her face with expensive Swedish chocolates. Ameris made her way into the kitchen and made retrieved a plate of cheese and bread. Then, she poured a glass of Tokay and shuffled back into the parlor where she served Callista. The young obese lady must‟ve ate the meal in three bites for when Ameris turned around to fetch the fire poker and then looked back at Callista, the girl was standing there a-matter-of-factly holding out the plate and glass for Ameris to take. As you can see by the red notations, you use their names too closely together all the time. Try to view the situation from one person‟s eyes at a time. It helps to cut the jumping around. Don‟t just throw in the pronouns; use creative descriptions to take their places, too. She rolled her eyes and took the plate from Callista‟s sausage-like fingers. As she was walking back into the kitchen she looked down at the rose colored plate. The pattern was of roses and a pink backsplash played into the rose theme. Again, redundancy. She looked at the crumbs of bread on the platter as her stomach growled ravenously and angrily. She was not allowed to eat but one meal a day and that was only which consisted of a glass of their worst wine and a hunk of stale bread. She had not given the pig her usual portion but a smaller one for she had been eating too many chocolates. Perhaps she could sneak a piece of bread? Rules of comma use and the word “and”. Use a comma before a conjunction ONLY if the conjunction is used to join 2 complete sentences. Each side of the conjunction must contain a complete subject and complete predicate to constitute the comma. Otherwise, skip the comma. In use with a dependent clause: if the dependent clause falls before the sentence, the comma is used to separate. After the sentence, the dependent clause is joined by the use of prepositions rather than commas. Ameris set the plate in the sink, and rinsed it with water from the spicket while she eyed the loaf of French bread voraciously. You mention bread in the previous sentence. If someone can‟t figure out that you‟re talking about a loaf of bread, they probably shouldn‟t be outside unsupervised, anyhow. „No one would ever notice. Plus, I could just say I gave it to the cow,‟ she thought to herself. Drying the plate with a towel hanging on a hook next to the sink comma she inched closer and closer to the delicious golden brown loaf. She set the plate down silently where? Not „down‟. On the counter? Andcomma, not and yanked a piece off the edge of the loaf and crammed it in her tiny mouth. The sour flesh tasted so rich and the crust was so crunchy. Her lips curled into a bow as she chewed the delicious morsel. Although now the edge of her hunger had been taken off dulled, she still craved more of the food. She was reaching for a second taste when she heard Callista screaming for her in the other room. Ameris placed the dish on top of another just like it its mate on a shelf above the counter and proceeded back into the parlor. Ameris‟s Her shoes squeaked on the wooly comma wine hyphen colored carpet of the parlor. The large fireplace was flanked with ivory lions drawing out their claws. On the mantle was a cedar cigar box filled with cigars, full of the master‟s favorite. And in the center of all eyes a portrait of none other the Callista comma face as red as ever. She remembered the day when Callista‟s the portrait was painted. She could not get Callista to could not fit into her dress. Although about twelve Ameris‟ could fit in it, it was just too small for the cow. As much as she they tried, the dress just would not fit. The gown was a disgusting shade of green that reminded Ameris of vomit that had been outside in a pile of horse droppings just waiting to mold into a more ghastly shade of yellow-brown. On the collar was a fluffy string of lace that was about five inches thick and went around her entire neck (which is about two of Ameris‟s waists.) There were large green buttons that matched the white lace on the collar: big and showy. The skirt made her look even huger, if possible, and it was so tight on her, no comma that Ameris had to work for six hours just to tighten her corset enough to close the buttons. An hour, maybe, but 6 hours is just too much of an exaggeration. Ameris picked up the poker and the broom comma and tended to the fire and swept up the ashes the hearth. The entire time Callista remained seated where she had been sitting since the moment Ameris had arrived. When Ameris turned around, Callista tried to sit up, but no avail. You‟ve already said she was sitting, so why should she sit up? Ameris rolled her eyes once more and drew in a quick breath. She bent down on the floor to move Callista‟s legs from the chaise. Then, she stood up to help lift her entire body off. You wouldn‟t know by looking at her, but Ameris was an extremely strong girl. She could lift an incredibly obese girl, and chop firewood and do chores like any man. This made her lean, yet built. She was built much like a boy, except for her extremely beautiful facial features. ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** I have stopped adding comments at this point. You should be able to filter through some of these suggestions and apply them throughout your writing. I apologize for taking so very long to get this part done. I can only blame myself for taking on too much responisibility. The main suggestion is to control the feelings of repulsion. Yes, Ameris is a young girl, but unless this were told from a 1 st person POV (point of view), the reader would not be privy to thoughts of attitudes. You can paint a better picture using other descriptions and arrive at the same place. Most readers by this point would look at Ameris as being a cruel, self-centered, verbally abusive child because of the attitude shown. It doesn‟t bode well to anger your readers so quickly. Also, remember key tests for writing: the 6 senses. Science says 5, but we know the 6 th. Sight—what do you see, colors, items, blood…Sound—what do you hear, deafening silence, pounding music, the steady drip of a faucet, children playing outside the window…Touch—textures, how does it feel, course, fine, slimy…Taste—obvious when writing about food, but don‟t forget the taste of bile rising in disgust, the taste of fear, etc…Smell—a recently snuffed candle, roses on the window ledge, sweat, and yes, you can smell fear…then lastly, the Spiritual Sense… you just sense that someone is in the room, your hair prickles, your flesh tingles, etc. Obviously, you won‟t use all of the senses in every paragraph, but keep them within the forefront of your mind. Good luck, sweetie. Let me know if you need anything else. I have 6 manuscripts waiting for edits right now, so I won‟t touch yours again unless you specifically contact me. “It‟s time for my bath,” Callista smirked growing redder every second. It looked like if Ameris didn‟t get her out of that dress soon, she would soon explode ruining all of the antiques and furniture that they owned. Ameris grabbed her hand and yanked her into the back portion of the house where there were many rooms which she had never seen. But she drew Callista to a flight of stairs and they advanced up (this took a while considering Callista has very poor stamina.) They went up the final stair and down the hall into a large room with a bed, vanity and dressing-table, chest of drawers, bathroom, dressing screen, and many other valuable luxuries that one, only who is spoiled, will own. Ameris threw the cow behind the dressing screen and pulled all of her clothes off trying to look as little as possible. If one was ever to see such a site all at once, one has almost a one hundred percent chance of dying almost immediately. She untied the final row of thread in Callista‟s corset and threw a towel behind the screen so she might cover herself. Then she refrained to the bathroom where she filled the oversized tub with water. The tub was about the size of a half of a room. If Ameris got in she would surely drown from the immense amount of hot water needed to fill only half the bathtub. The water ran from the nickel faucet (a fabulous new technology that only the rich owned) as Ameris poured two tablespoons of the lavender bath soap in. She grabbed the nearest towel and laid it on the vanity chair. Callista came in squawking meaningless jabber about the Swedish chocolates she fancied and the old duke that she bought them from. “He said that they were a marvelous price, so I bought three boxes immediately, for you know how much I enjoy those Swedish sweets. But, yesterday afternoon I went into town to buy some more Artisan bread and I saw a peddler selling them for half as much as I paid!” she went on as she got into the tub. The water was a bit too high and went over the sides as she placed her fat body in it. “What that duke doesn‟t know, is that I know he made a fool of me. So, the next time I see him, he will be sorry. I will have three more boxes of my Swedish chocolates, and he will have no money in return to buy more.” Ameris rolled her eyes and went to find a washing cloth or bath sponge. Callista was humming the most wretched song as she lay motionless in the tub. Ameris came slowly back into the room squinting as not to see the cow‟s naked form. That was disgusting beyond all imagination. She walked over to the metal washing tub and placed the cloth into the lukewarm water. Swishing it around to get it wet, Callista started to sing the horrible song which she was once humming, and Ameris realized she had the most awful singing voice. It sounded like thirteen dying toads (a voice to match her looks) or sixteen hundred fingernails scratching on a school blackboard. Callista continued her song as she Ameris began to wash her. It was hard to get her clean for she was so big, but she tried her best. She finished her work for the water was getting colder. Standing up and taking a deep breath, she reached for the terry cloth towel on the vanity chair. Callista stood up with much difficulty as her rolls of fat rubbed against the sides of the tub. Ameris draped the towel around her lady‟s shoulder and proceeded to dry her huge form. Once all the water was brushed away, she laid the towel next to the door and went to go receive a nightdress for her. Ameris selected a white lace nightgown and bloomers and walked back into the bathroom. She thrust the bloomers out closing her eyes. Waiting a few seconds to give Callista enough time to put them on, she paced around to Callista‟s backside to put on the nightgown. She placed the nightgown over Callista‟s head and drew it down until it fell at her ankles. She then fastened the button near the back of the neck and tied the bow to secure the robe. Ameris bent down to retrieve Callista‟s jeweled slippers. She put them on each pudgy foot with much difficulty. Callista let out a jagged breath. She often breathed in wretched breaths. Ameris guessed it was because of her breaths. Possibly, it was because of her weight; most likely a health condition. She glanced at Callista and her plump face was growing red. She was not wearing a corset though. “What is the matter my lady?” Ameris asked concerned. If something were to happen to her lady, she wouldn‟t know what to do. She was not trained in medicine. “Nothing at all, believe me, if there was I would definitely tell you as soon as I was disturbed. You are so inquisitive. You must remember, you are my servant,” she replied in a nasty sort of tone. There was a twitch in her right eye and she began to sweat. The salty water was dripping down her slick forehead and there was a pool of sweat resting on her chin. Ameris ran to the bathroom and found the washcloth she had used for Callista‟s bath. She returned to the room and wiped Callista‟s face gently. Ameris helped her into a chair, picked up her sausage-like feet, and placed them on an ottoman in front of her. She looked at Callista as if to say “I‟ll be right back” and left the room to fetch her a drink. She fumbled on her way to the staircase but saved herself at the last minute by clutching on the stair railing. She continued down the stairs and into the kitchen, her feet clicking on the hardwood floor. Grabbing a glass from the china hutch on the right wall of the room, she walked over to the water bucket and filled up the glass. Turning around and walking through the door frame she heard the clopping of hooves. She hurried up the stairs and into Callista‟s room. “Here, drink this,” she said as she handed Callista the glass of cold water. Callista nodded and wiped her forehead again with the damp rag. Ameris made her way back into the bathroom to fetch Callista‟s comb. Walking back into the bedroom she placed herself behind the chair and began to brush her moist locks. The tresses were long, but shabby, and they smelled a bit of moth balls. She combed the knots out and tightly braided it into a plait on the top of her head. After she finished, she silently walked over to the four poster bed. She lifted the quilted coverlet off and pulled back the bed sheets. After fluffing the pillows and smoothing out the covers, she went back over to Callista who was still patting her face with the wet cloth. Ameris placed her hand out waiting for Callista to give her the rag. She took the rag and placed it by the bathroom door along with the towel Callista had used for the nights bath. Putting her hands out, she helped Callista up and into her bed. Once she was settled, Ameris placed the bed covers over her, and closed the gossamer silk curtains. Nodding slowly, she said good night and exited the room with another nod. Ameris let out a quick breath and placed her bony hands on the stair rail. She proceeded down them, but quietly, for she knew the master had arrived from another nights gambling. Once she descended to the bottom, she walked down the hall and into the parlor to retrieve her cloak. ~@~@~@~@~@~ Sun was streaming in through the open window. It not only warmed the room, but left a glow on Ameris skin. She lay sleeping on a small cot with only a sheet and bed pillow. The little bed creaked when the girl shifted in her innocent sleep. Turning around in her white lace cotton nightgown she let out a soft sigh. Ameris opened her eyes batting her thick eyelashes. Cool air coming from the small window felt nice with the clashing sun. Her long locks were spread on the thin goose feather pillow. The room was bare except for the bed and a small table and mirror on the right wall. There was also a connecting room which held a small bath and bedpan, a small bowl which she kept water for washing. Her humble abode was a servant quarters outside of the main plantation her master lived on. Today was the longest day of the year. June twenty sixth. The sun rose early for it was only around six o‟clock at this moment, and it was already gleaming beautifully. Ameris rose out of her small bed, and as she did, it creaked loudly. She slipped on her slippers, which already had around eight holes in the pair. The floor was cold, and slippers were needed, even if they had holes. She made her way to the bathroom and washed her face with icy water. Shaking her hands off, she dried her face and hands on a towel nearby. On the table, back in the other room was her dress. She only owned two articles of clothing (not counting her undergarments.) Her night dress and a green maids dress were all she had a choice from. Slipping the thin evergreen dress over her frame, Ameris let out a deep sigh and went to the door to slide on her loafers. Quickly, she proceeded to her small table where she kept her hairpins. The metal pins had been found by her fathers friend at a small pawn shop outside of town. She had thought they had been stolen, considering that the gentleman was very untrustworthy, but he had really bought them for her because he thought they reflected her untimely taste. The small mirror had a piece missing but still was of good use. Ameris viewed herself in the looking glass. Her pale blue eyes glistened in the light. The flawless golden toned skin was a blank canvas clashing with the green dress. Golden auburn locks fell down her back in soft curls. She glanced at her hairpins, and picked them up. Pinning her hair up in a loose bun, she took her cloak from the stand to the right of her. She let out a quick breath and headed out the door to start the day‟s work.