rita by linxiaoqin


									Learning English                                                                         Formatted: Line spacing: Double

I received many essays with this title. A unique title would make this already good

essay even better.

I always thinkhave always thought [present perfect] that learning English is very

important for me, and try to find ways to learn. Through the years, I finally realized

that it is more efficient when you know your expectations well and have a goal.

[38 words; a good length to introduce an essay of around 400 words—10% of

word total, approximately] The idea expressed in the body paragraph one is not

quite there; however the body two and three are strongly represented in the


Although I had studied English as a second language for over ten years before I

graduated from a college in China, in my first Canadian conversation class, I

couldn’t understand most of the words that the teacher said. [a longer, and more

complex, topic sentence that works quite well.] I struggled on, listening, speaking

and using vocabulary, because I had only read questions and wrote written a little

in the tests in the school. It took me a whole year to get used to native speakers.

[that’s actually pretty good, Rita. Some take longer than that!] Since I came to

Canada, English is not only in text books, and it became has become to a living

language for me. [again, the “present perfect”; everyone should try to use this
tense at least once or twice in every piece of writing. good practice] The desire to

communicate with others gives me the motivation to learn English. [a concluding

sentence that is strongly tied—by meaning—with the topic sentence. A solid

paragraph with enough detail to be effective.]

I expect that, through taking English 11, to improve my writing skills and expand

my expression. With further learning, I hope I can read easier more easily

between the lines when I read. I believe that practice makes perfect. With many in

and out class practices, I would file what I have learned in Communications 12,

and learn more writing skills. [don’t file it, use it!] I can learn from classmates,

since we have chance to discuss in the class and put our works on the blog, . I

expect that after I take this course, I can will be able to write more naturally, and

have fewer mistakes in the writing. [to reduce wordiness]

Taking English courses will help me improve my English. It definitely will make

differences in the future. I have a dream that I will have a career someday. Better

English will help my dream come true. AIn addition, as a mother, I hope better

English could help me to understand my son more. My son loves his education

here and absorbs everything in English. I don’t want to have a gap with him,

because of my limited English understanding. [review the punctuation with

“because” as I see this error in other students as well] With better English, many

things could be easier for me, such as expanding my hobbies, making new
friends, and traveling to other English-speaking countries. Again, two solid body

paragraphs are easy to follow and understand.

I dream that one day English will not be a barrier for me, but a tool. I will work

hard toward my goals and hope that I will succeed.

[The conclusion is 10 words shorter than introduction. I’d vote, most often, to give

it one or two words more than the introduction, so the conclusions should be

about 40 words and not 29 as it is here]

-375 words

by Rita

Rita’s essay is worth a better-than-average class mark. No one got more than a

“B” however as each essay showed different, but serious, errors that detracted

from their effectiveness. Next time will be better!

To top