# Chuck Norris

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```					   When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35,
he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

   A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16
states.

   When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck
Norris.

   Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal
to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

   Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he waalks through.

   How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All
of it.

   Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

   In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the
super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

   Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

   If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44
minutes.

   Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

   Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal
and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse
kick.

   When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to
Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

   Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

   Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut
Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

   Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

   When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for everyy answer. You will score over
8000.

   Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light.
Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
   Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of
Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7
of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

   Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

   Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

   Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level
of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

   Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

   Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

   The show Survivor had the original premise of puttinng people on an island with Chuck
Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to
retrieve the footage.

   It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

   The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse
kicked one of the corners off.

   When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks
through them.

   James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection,
he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold
Schwarzenegger.
   In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running fromm the bulls, but the bulls are running
from Chuck Norris.

   Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

   Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all
poisonous.

   If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you
ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

   When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture
of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

   Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

   There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

   Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a bricck wall in a game of tennis.

   Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flowwer will be the Magnolia.
   If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

   Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed
by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris onnce and he will roundhouse you in the
face.

   Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yellling,
"Bang!"

   Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick
someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever

   Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

   Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall
buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

   Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

   Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
   Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

   Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

   When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth
down.

   Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them
with one round house kick to the face.

   There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

   Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue.
Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

   Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and
sidewalks.

   Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ
Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

   Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the
name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
   Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

   Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing
Olympics, even thhough Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck
Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks
across the pool floor.

   If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd
win. Period.

   Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything
around you.

   Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to
sleep.

   Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

   There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun
up.

   Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

   Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has
DARED call him on it. Ever.

   Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper
Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

   Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually e-mail a roundhouse kick.

   Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

   'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles
down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

   According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick
you yesterday.

   Chuck Norris’ favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
   If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

   Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I
hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

   Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

   What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name,
which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
   The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

   Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

   Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't
like Fudge Ripple.

   When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

   Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

   Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he
finds you.

   Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

   Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the
element of surprise.

   It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call
Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

   That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away
from the path of a deadly asteroid.

   Chuck Norris can juudge a book by its cover.

   Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris
eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

   As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

   Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have
increased 13,000 percent.

   Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

   Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris'
personal chef.

   Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

   Chuck Norris uses a night-light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the
dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
   Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be
possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse
kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

   In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
   Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

   Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and
accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

   Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

   The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris. The
film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars
to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

   Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

   Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to
the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

   Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses
any cars that get too close.

   Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard piccks up the incoming
electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

   How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one.
From Chuck Norris.

   Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

   When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

   The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

   The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie
theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

   One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

   Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

   The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is
death.

   To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

   Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face
a fight?

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 views: 3 posted: 1/13/2013 language: English pages: 6