A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy

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					A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes
her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk
said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a
shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different
clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The
blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her
disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"


60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Giving Cats Pills

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle
cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.



Blonde Sky Divers

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"



Sounds of the Wild
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied,
"Bud."




Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.




Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle
and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three
times!"




69

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the
sailors I could screw in one night.”
Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of
the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's
blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I
knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."




Question and answer blonde jokes

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper




One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond...

Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta?
Oh, grand! It's Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist
with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching
bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Crotchetta. I
must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that
Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Crotchetta? Rather silly, when
you think about it?
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments – your
knickers actually. And there it was. "Honey Rider" is a much prettier and commonplace name.
You should use that.
Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there's no delicate way to put this. I have a
rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I'm calling all my sexual partners to let them know that
they should go get tested.
Uh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.
Well, it has gonorrhea.
Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.
And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that's kind of between
hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It's a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes
during Mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To Thunderball Me.”
Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and
apparently, the condoms weren't meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a
pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your stapler work as a gun, he's your boy.
Anyway, you didn't notice because while we were passionately embraced, your tongue
accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you
enjoyed yourself. They all do.
Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have
advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure
you. If you saw the list, you'd think I'd been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!
Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island facility. Actually
there's no facility. Just an island. And me. But they'e building one as soon as they can find
enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island
where we can be treated in isolation.
Chin up! Look at it this way: it'll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the
redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL
reminiscing.
"Oh, James." What's that supposed to mean?




Trouble sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor
asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"




12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son
asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you
see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for
Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for
Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for
February, one for March, one for.....''




Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to
establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the
opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."




Better relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I
can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just
seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each
morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good
person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week
you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks
later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life
with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
I often feel guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where
she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one
of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed
for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and
resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed
afterward!"




Loud, mad, or sad

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral
test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient
who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair
weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"




Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to a local motel;
the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the
hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T
DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was
embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldn't get on the bed!"




Low self-esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the
psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few
minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low
self-esteem. It is very common among losers."




10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.




Lay off

A company boss has to decide who to lay someone off. He decides on two low level
management employees Jack
or Karen. He goes to Karen and says, "I will have to lay you or Jack off."




Drink up

Q: What did the bartender say to his customers?
A: Men, Viagra now comes in liquid form. You can pour yourselves a real stiff one!




Horses at the Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets
him before the
race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump,
you have to
shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be
fine.''
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and
they approach the
first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight
through the center of
the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers
'Aleeee ooop' in the
horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE
OOOP!'' really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the
race, but due to the
earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is
wrong with me--it's this
bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''
The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''



Dogs and Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so
the question is,
how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring
the house, my nails will
be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you're inside
worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?




Hand me downs
Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?
A: Your jeans fit like a glove.




Finder's keepers

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head. They were all sitting in a hair salon talking about
their daughters.
The brunette says, "I was lookin throuh my daughter's purse and I found a pack of cigarettes! Do
you believe that
my daughter smokes!! So then the redhead says, "Oh my gosh, I was looking through my
daughter's purse and i
found alcohol! Do you believe she's been drinking!! So then the blond says "I was looking
through my daughter's
purse and I found a condom! Do you believe my daughter has a penis?!"




Adult Swim

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are swimming breast stroke in a race. The blonde comes in
last and says, I
don't mean to be a a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their hand




The Feline Diet

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never
had any success
dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except
for cats that eat like
people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the
Cat Miracle Diet
will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll
find that you not
only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good
Luck!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75
per can -- and place
1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the
floor. Stare at the
wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your
house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor
until it goes under
the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the
sofa. Throw out the
remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat
it under the
television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on
Saturday. Lick the top
of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until
it is mushy and
half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it
voraciously. Walk from
your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you
leave. Track
footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is
looking. Splatter part of
it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled
comforter. Make sure the
bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal
with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take
three licks/laps and then
turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the
bathroom floor.
Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner
placed in the trash
can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny,
like Chicken and
Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.




Hot Doggin'

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?
A: Sparky!



Jedi Nights

Q: Why do they make glow in the dark condoms?
A: So that gay men can play Star Wars.




Pound for Pound

Q: What makes five pounds of fat look really good?
A: Nipples




Law of Cat Inertia

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting,
reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in
trying to interest
him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the
opening of cat food,
or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the
fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat
flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people
involved, and as
comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything
remotely interesting
on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot
traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little
energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something
good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human
laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
Highbrow Genital Jokes

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution laughs at you and
promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus
dooming your DNA!
My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West and Camille Paglia
to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending
threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire!

My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a non-fictional creature,
would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob mighty harpoons at me!

If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely Marx's concept of the
End of History would be nigh.

My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia what Noam
Chomsky is to the study of global activism!

My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could fill every page
of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist tomes!

A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and flavorful
genitals, even after the third helping!

My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly seduce and defile the
entire lesbian population of Sarah Lawrence University!

My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have enough epidermis
to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"!

If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of the epic collection of
random notes and sounds would be "Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."!

Hemingway''''s lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ was big."

My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male were to cease to be,
my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female
population, thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men!

Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned
sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!

Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which have supplied
artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great American works, and this
admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling
"Turn of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"!
So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize that my sexual
gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous,
cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas!

My genitals are comparable to Harvard University's endowment - both are the largest of their
kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and
both cannot be seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to
prove they are worthy.




Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don't know. I just deliver packages.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I'm the guy delivering it.
Great.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I'll be right out, Susan.

Knock, knock
Who's there.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It's a knock, knock joke.
Oops.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who
Don't get so upset, crybaby!
What?




Fish Market

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought
some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"




Hole in One

There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they
had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU
FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of
praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a
hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"
They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"




Leper Hockey

Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
I See You!

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The
first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back
at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."




3 Vampires

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a
shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The
bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."



Shrewd Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going
to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that
the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An
employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that
you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"




Romantic Pink Slip

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As
you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on
file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from
the competition: (Check those that apply)

__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my
children to it.

__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a
fit of passion.

__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness
that I find unappealing.

__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may
be interested in me for something other than my personality.

__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you
asked me more than one about myself.

__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my
pants.

__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at
recess. AMEN!

__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear
is unbreakable.

__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little
disconcerting.

__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of
psychotic stalker.

__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the
necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do
not meet my intelligence requirements.

__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for
a successful business trip.

__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,




A Small Problem

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look
bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks
her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?''




Nerd Season

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he
sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over.
On aproaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.

He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. “Are you a
nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, I'm a truck driver,” he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he
orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket
protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.
“What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “It's nerd
season.”

“Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused.

"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd
season.” So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part
the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His tractor trailer flips and he
dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions
grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering
what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking
them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming,
“STOP! STOP!”

“What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season?”

“Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you can't bait 'em!”




Shut-up and Trouble

In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. These boys were
friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One time after they had both just
gotten ice-cream, Trouble's ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away.
Shut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry.

A police officer pulled up and asked, “What's your name?”

“Shut-up.”

The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally, he
asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, “Boy, are you looking for
Trouble?”

And Shut-up said, “Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!”




Clinton's DNA

Re: DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Apologies,

The FBI
Staring Insult

If someone ever says, “What are you staring at?”
Say “I don't know, give me a minute.”




Yo mama's so poor... shoe

Yo mama's so poor, I saw her walking down the street with only one shoe on. I said, ''Hey, Mrs
Jones, you've lost a shoe,'' and she said ''No, it's alright, I found one''.




I'm a Barbie Girl

What does a Barbie Doll and Britney Spears have in common?
They're both 100 percent plastic.




Wedding Dress

A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"
"Because they're happy," the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're
happy, then why do grooms wear black?"




Hide the Duke

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his
girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog
Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he
really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a
really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
None For You

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done
his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't
get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the
pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any
milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the
kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him,
or should I?”




Throwing Stuff Down A Mineshaft

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight
down into the ground.

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

"I dunno," said the second.

"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't
hear it hit bottom.

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the
hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for
something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together
and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between
the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and
asked them if they'd seen a goat.

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old
railroad tie."
The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's
in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience)
when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the
parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was
the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the
parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''




Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain,
so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her
cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your
cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the
pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a
little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do
you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
Goose Hunting

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the
other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.
"Sir, can I please see that bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the bag over.

The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He
pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia Hunting
License?"

The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector
nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.

He sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you have a Maine
Hunting License?"

The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He
nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, "This here is a Rhode
Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?"

The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.

"Boy," you having all these licenses, where you from?" asks the Inspector.

The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?"




Stumpy and his wife

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say,
"Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and
ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I
don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one
word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and
dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They
landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to
yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten
dollars."




Clock Joke

Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock?

Because time will tell.




Signs That You're A Drunk

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good
16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.




Man Catches Crocodile

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant
you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.




B-Day Sex

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her
birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm
stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60
minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his
friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling
"I'll be back in an hour!!"




Puzzle Pieces
Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They
walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"

The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!"




S&M

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it
to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do
about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."




Bee Jokes for the Pollen in You

What is the clumsiest insect?

The Bumbling Bee.

What did the Bee say when he returned to the hive?

"Honey, I'm Home!"

What is a bee's favorite band?

The Bee Gees.

What was their #1 song?

"Stay in the Hive."




Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in
alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is
in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is
color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head
are interchangeable".




Gloves and Panties

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him
the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there
was a note attached to it.

The note read:

Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them
on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love, Bobby

PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.




Warm and Moist

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?

MAN: He's at home.

CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store
policy.

The next day, the man returns.

MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?

MAN: He's at home!

CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.

CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?

MAN: Put your hand inside.

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?

MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.




English Patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father
began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength
he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At
the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly
read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
Drunken Man and Blonde

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious,
the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The
person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is
190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds,
world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that
blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.'




Rabbit Breakout

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat
themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire
field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep
throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."




Round and Round

Q. How do you confuse an leprechaun?
A. Put him in a circle and tell him to wee in the corner.




Get Your Rocks Off

What do rocks and women have in common?
You skip the flat ones!
Go Fish

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens
up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies
look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies"




Teachers Change a Light Bulb

How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb ?
Well, teachers don't change light bulbs but they can help make a dim one brighter!




M.A.R.I.N.E.

Military Joke
What does marine stand for?
Muscles are required, intellegence not expected.




Yo Mama's So Fat... Jenny Craig

Your mama is so fat, she walked into a Jenny Craig and they said "Sorry, we don't do miracles!"
Spell L-O-V-E

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over
while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven.
God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.''
The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.''
The man coming into heaven says, ''Oh jeez I'm not too good at tests!''
The other man says, ''Spell LOVE'' The man spells it, and he is let into heaven.
Then a woman comes floating up and says, ''Please let me into heaven,'' and the man replies,
''Only if you pass this test.''
The woman says, ''Oh no, I'm not very good at tests.''
The man says, ''Your test is to spell LOVE.''
She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven.
The next person that comes floating up is the man's wife. She says, ''OK honey, let me in to
heaven.''
The man says, ''I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven.''
She says, ''OK, make it an easy one!!!''
Then the man says, ''Spell Hemorrhoid.''
You Might Be A Redneck...Fireworks
You might be a redneck if...
your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand.




TiVo

Yo mama so fat when she stepped in front of the t.v., I missed two episodes.




Lawyer... Genius

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.




What's Worse?

What's worse than having termites in your piano?
Crabs on your organ.
Mysterious death

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same
bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a .m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the
doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death?
So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the
next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a .m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding
wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the
clock struck 11.... Scroll down for what happened... Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper,
entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.




Blonde haircut

A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones,
and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep
in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them,
and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what's happened, he picks up the earphones to
listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."




Ol' McBlondie

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the
countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i
can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she
quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take
one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour
can i have my dog back?"




Making a Confession

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
The Blonde Fox

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?

She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.




Banana Peel

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.

"Here we go again."




Shooting an Elephant

How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.




Toilet Brush

A man was grocery shopping one day when he passed the toilet brushes. ''Wow! What a great
idea,'' he thought to himself. So he bought one and took it home and started using it right away.
Two weeks later he went back to using toilet paper.




Rooster in His Declining Years

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still
doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster
couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the
barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about
being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really
think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still
the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll
run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the
young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old
guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll
still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens
gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the
first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has
slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to
slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the
farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the
barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two
roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He
immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the
third gay rooster I've bought this month."




Sumo Kamikaze

Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by
jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland !'' The
English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and
shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''




Put It On Your Organ

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishoners in his church.
When he arrived she asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the kitchen to get
refreshments for their visit. Reverend Smith, while waiting in the parlor, happened to notice that
on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ was sitting a bowl which contained a condom floating in water.
Now Reverend Smith was very befuddled and after Mrs. Jenkins returned he couldn't help
himself and asked her to explain this to him.
"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied, "I found that lying on the street corner and the package said
that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease and frankly, I haven't
been sick all year."




At the Pharmacy
Woman: Can I get Viagra here?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Can I get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.




Women vs. Vinyl Records

Vinyl records are like women. If you handle it gently, it'll play for you forever. Accidentally
scratch once, and you're screwed for life.




Touchy Feely Cracky

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the
shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what
the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I''m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage
your back. Sometimes I just can''t help practicing my art!"
"That''s the stupidest thing I''ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me
screwing the guy in front of me?"




Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of
a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother
you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s
pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"




Reverend
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One
day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his
congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not
something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar
and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place
for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar,
she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and
he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled
to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs.
Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here,
here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the
bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well if
you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"




747

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!




Farmer's Tractor

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: Perhaps Willie Nelson and John Cougar Mellencamp will stage a benefit concert outside my
barn to raise funds to replace the missing machinery.




A man died

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a
huge wall of clocks behind him.
The man asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you
lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us
that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."




A little boy

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her
the Government.
#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his
father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working
Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep shit."




Too Enthusiastic

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He
knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say
anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk
of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He
knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say
anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk
of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."




Vampire Blood

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the
roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He
told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he
gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down
through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down
and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"




Funny Bumper Stickers

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
My car's not a tree hugger, I'm drunk you idiot!
Beer -- Helping Ugly People Get Laid Since 1837
Rehab is for Quitters
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the
earth.
Milk sucks, got beer?
1 Tequila 2 Tequila 3 Tequila Floor
Save a tree; eat a beaver.
A cat by any other name is still a furry little hairball that shits behind the couch.
Does this condom make me look fat?
If my dog had a face as ugly as your's, I would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!
I need someone really bad, are you really bad?
I used to wonder why God made ugly people, then I realized it was so people like me could get a
good laugh.
Firefighters: we find them hot, and leave them wet!
Can I have your number, I'll call you when my dog is in heat.
Sweet guys open my heart, smart guys open my mind, but only fine guys can open my legs.
Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so stick it back in.




Trip To Europe

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a
handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can
stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the
woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free
trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".




No Luck With Women

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I
can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I
still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My
friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I
want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a
fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have
women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the
office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his
face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks
I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So,
what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Superball Fever

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately,
when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium
-- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on
the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around
the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to
him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl
and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since
we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A
relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."




SuperBowl Seat

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and
asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world, and not use
it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since
we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or
relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."




Perfect Life
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks
him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world
and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I
like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What
could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."




A Trip To Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flyer
miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars
has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples
decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half
an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and
wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk
along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
Can't Explain

A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar.

The Farmer mumbles, "Some things I just can't explain." The bartender, who knows the Farmer
as Jim, asks, "What do you mean Jim?".
"Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she
knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby
and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain," Jim
said.
"Jim, What do you mean by that," the Bartender asks.
"Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her
left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some
things I just can't explain," Jim added.
"Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help," the Bartender said.
"Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if
she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my
belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle
on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn.
That's what I can't explain."




Falling Asleep

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a
lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting
here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"




Mabster Last Present

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed and told him: "Grandson
I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always
remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead".
The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you
goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some
day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna
do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"?
Cheating Statue

A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. The woman jumps
up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in
talcum powder.

"Don't move! You're a statue!"

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains
that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could
get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk
and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I
stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"




Meatballs

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a
diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When
the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains
that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to
the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that
only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees.
The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is
brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter,
and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.




Confusion

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a
problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs.
Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either
bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We
can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than
once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way
home, don't sleep with her."




Specimen

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of
days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and
with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her
husband. "Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to
go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose.




Emergency Appointment

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said
to come right in.

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into
the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine
her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm
sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and
expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just
replace the batteries? "
Brown Balls

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop
'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes,
you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly
remarkable!".

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are
amazing, my I ask....."

"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell
your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever
seen!"

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen
kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day?
You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"

"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."




Knots And Ropes

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and
she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is
that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait
a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?
Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"
Fatal Accidents

National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US
auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto
makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in
fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal
crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my
beer and watch this!"




Chores

A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix
the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo
printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed
on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a
real hazard."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a
Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had
enough of all your Bickering. I'm going to the bar!"

So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts
to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the
chores.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house,
he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the
fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked
me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was
either have sex with him or bake him a cake."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.

"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my
forehead? I don't think so!"




Kerry Fan

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.
Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids
raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a
George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a
moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."




Doctors Chat

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of
one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with
no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the
country was looking for work."




Taking A Leak

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find
any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of
business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured
hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he
said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British
courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."




A Quickie

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and
asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."




Talking Too Much

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly
A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one
fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her
of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea
works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."




What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's
call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think
about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room
and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He
gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of
politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is
sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."




Brave Cursing

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-
old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-
year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw
hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks
him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what
do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"




Making A Puppy

A father was walking with his young son in the park when they came upon two dogs having sex.
The boy asked his dad what the dogs were doing. He said that they were making a puppy.

A couple of days later the boy walked in on his parents who were having sex on the couch. He
asked his father what they were doing. He said that they were making a baby.

The boy replied, "Can you turn Mummy over? I'd much rather have a puppy."




School Play

A father picks up his son after school and asks him how his day has been.
"Great dad, today they give me my part at the school play", says the boy.
"Really? and what do you play?" asks the father.
"I play a man who has been married for twenty years".
"That's nice son", says the father, "you do a good work and one day the'll give you a speaking
role".




New-Born Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go
to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of
expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear,
you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what
it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to
comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with
sausage and meatballs; two without."




How Often Man Have Sex

A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.

"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can
usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have
anyone like this in the audience?"

A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his
face.

"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy
mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them
here tonight?".

A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.

"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them
here?".

The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.

"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the
thing that is most tipical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard
for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".

A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.

"You do it only once a year?", the expert asked.

"Yes, only once a year".
"So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert.

"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"...




Girls' Night Out

Two women where at a pub, having a fun night out, away from their husbands. When they got
out and started walking back home, they suddenly had a strong urge to pee. They decided to do it
in the cemetery, where they figured no one will notice them. Once they were done, they
remembered they didn't bring toilet papers. The first one took her panties off, used it like paper
and threw it away. The second used some flowers from one of the tombs.

The day after, one of the husbands called the other and said, angrily:
"Looks like our wifes had quite a good time yesterday. Mine came home without her panties!".
The other one answered, even more angry: "That's nothing. Mine came back with a small note
sticked to here ass, saying 'we will never forget you. love, from all the guys"...




James Bond's Special Watch

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a
quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and
asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art
watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady
says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman
giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his
watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."




Almost Midnight

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in
the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book
and I'm 20."

Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and
she'll be 18 in about five minutes.
Rigged Contest

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you
filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a
number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."




What Size?

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"




Wandering Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly
that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he
went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch
and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four
children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'




Tarazan Having Sex

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions
about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to
him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. "Horrified, she said,
"Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes,
laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in
here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the
crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed
to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Tarzan always check for bees."




Stupid Wives

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and
bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to
keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she
went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to
drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both
walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is
dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a
vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes
of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"




Bad Weather
A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks
up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his
long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the
driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is
snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the
garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be
bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back
into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The
weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"




Birthday Present

A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, "Dear, what would you like for your
present?"

"I really don't think I should say."

"How about a diamond ring?" the husband asks.

"I don't care much for diamonds."

"Well, how about a mink coat?"

"You know I do not like furs." she says.

"A golden necklace?" asks the man.

"I already have three of them."

"Well, gosh, what do you want?"

The wife replies, "What I'd really like is a divorce."

"Hmmm," says the man, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Woman In The Shadows

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."




Not Hungry

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe
some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a
cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."




If I Died
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of
my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our
bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she
would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my
golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."




Male Virgin

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life
alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she
felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She
took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She
finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a
woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change
into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and
everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.

Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a
woman.
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the
room we can get"!




Before It Starts

A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife,
'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that
you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'

The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'




85 Year Old Groom

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the
woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned
that the old fellow could overexert himself.

After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal
union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for
the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more
action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after
which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber
at this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and
there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal
boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your
age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who
were only good for one.'

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?'




Naked On The Porch

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the
rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he
exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you
doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly
looked at him and said,"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This
is your grandma's idea."




$350 room
Nice Hotel

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four
hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for
four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk
explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a
huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.
He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and
hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."




Happy Soldiers

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the
Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5
minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause
went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had
to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the
soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping
and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one
hand?"




Diving Accident

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced
policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in
San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman
had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a
dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."




Shrinks' Problems

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go
to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and
deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my
patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a
secret."




The Wrong Way

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please
be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"




Sugar Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom.

With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the
stairs, one stumbling step at a time.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for
death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his
favorite sugar cookies.

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing
to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled
posture.

His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a
cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"
Not Enough Bread

An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One
day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied (with Yiddish accent),
"Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your
meal, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread," came the
reply.

So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your
meal today, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread,"
came the reply.

So...the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup.
"How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. "Vas goot,
but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply once again.

The manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he
went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the
next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half,
and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and
devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up
to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old Jew replied, "It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!"




Lost Cigarettes

One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a
smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet,
was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," the carpet layer said to himself.
So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I
found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
Great Britain

Three men are having conversation about each other's daughters. An Englishman, Scottish and
an Irishman.

The Englishman said: "I found a packet of cigarrettes in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even
know she smokes."

But the Scottish said: "Well, that's nothing. I found a bottle of whiskey in my daughter's
bedroom. I didnt even know she drinks."

Then finally the Irishman said: "huh! Consider yourselves lucky. The other day I found a packet
of condoms in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even known she has a dick!"




Where Are We?

A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they
are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in
Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the
Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you
know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says
" We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone".




Kinky Parrots

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a
little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots
and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the
two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots,
"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles
away! We've made it to heaven!"




Flying Turtle

A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off
the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this
process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other "dear, do you think we should tell
him he's adopted?"
Don't Answer!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief
gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is
at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."




Driving With Penguins

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them
to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and
they're all wearing sunglasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo
yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"




Turtles At A Picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with
cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the
turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket,
one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe &
Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that
they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their
great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road,
slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a
promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more
days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a
hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the
road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then,
right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."




Religious Parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer,
and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.




No Milk

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and
asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed
and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't."
"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"




Watch Your Mouth

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the
entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at
home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you
didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of
his left eye.




Golf Game

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,"
Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung,
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."




Free Drinks

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"

The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass
and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."

The drunk says, "Kiss my big white rear, 'cuz I don't have any money!"

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats up the drunk and throws him
out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says,
"I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too".

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to
give the guy the
benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say,
"Salute!" and down the drinks.

The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud
raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white rear!"

This angers the bartender even more than the first time.
He jumps over the bar and beats the drunk and throws him out
into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the
bartender says,
"Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too,
right?"

The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"




Engineering Students
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."




Gas Emissions

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All
day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas
emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And
while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of
fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"




Landing Announcement

The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.

The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, "Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson
speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today,
and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the
conversation in the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?"

By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well," says the Captain, "First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then
I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge tits.
I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna make love to
her all night long."

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the
intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.
The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, "No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a
shit first!"




Camel Questions

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got
these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on
top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long
eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel
mother answers.

"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I
got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for
our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand
from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"




New Farmer

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to
the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in.
As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit
one day and said, "Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give
you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how
things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor
said, "Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100
more." Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said,
"You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the
neighbor asked, "What went wrong?"
The new farmer said, "Well, I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or too close
together."
Good Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but
before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand
bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."




Thank Stalin

An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally,
someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.
"Thank God," she says.
A man in the seat behind her says "Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest society. You
should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then
says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought:
What shall we say when Stalin dies?"
The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"




A Day Off

So you want a day off.

Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days
available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170
days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving
only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only
22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year
available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll
be damned if you are going to take that day off!




Last Request

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven.
Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you
like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a
great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher
who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"




IRS Visit

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them
intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some
resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother
what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee,
with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."




Old Brake Up

An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being
allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some
counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be
saved.
The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely determined to go
through with separation leading to divorce.
Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've
been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??"
To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But
we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."




Cannibals Meal

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the
father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big
enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just
wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."




Signs That You're Broke
At communion you go back for seconds.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.




Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping
she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and
set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a
while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems
OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring
her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask,"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."




Human Monkey

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a
street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him
and dragged him into his office.
The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named
Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off
without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a
new gorilla. The mime accepted.

The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived.
He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people
and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He
began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not
wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a
partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but
the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a
raise for being such a good attraction.

This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his
salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost
his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The
mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.

Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself
flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he
whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?




Water For The Emir

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State
Department.

The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was
constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he
returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.

'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,"but a man is sitting on
the well."




Bad News
A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir,I have bad news and I have
worse news".
The guy says, "well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "well sir you have Cancer".
The guy says "that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "well sir, you also
have Alzheimers disease".
"Well", answers the guy, "at least I don't have Cancer".




Divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but
your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow.
Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a
visit, and they’re paying their own way!"




Sam The Man

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his
job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the
postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After
six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday...
Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks
again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely
be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."




The Blind Man

A Blind man walks into a department store with his guide dog on a leash. As usual the store
manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not
wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the
blind man start swinging the dog over his head by its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and
says "mister is there a problem - is there anything i can help you with?" The blind man calmly
replies "No Thanks - I'm just looking around"




One Last Song

These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one "Do you have a
last request?"

The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time."

The Warden says "OK, I think we can arrange that." Then he says to the second convict "How
about you? Last request?"

The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first."




Visit To Rome

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's
up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians!
You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are
ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is
surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the
size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to
Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new
planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in
Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no
extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the
shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so
kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough,
after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a
few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"




Polish Paratrooper

A Polish Paratrooper makes his first jump.

He was given the following instructions: "once you jumped you need to open your parachute. If
it doesn't open, you have a reserve one. The Jeep will wait for you on the ground".

So, he gets on the plane, jumps outside but can't open his parachute. He then tries to open the
reserve one, but it deosn't open as well.
"Great", he says to himself, "Now all I need is that the Jeep won't wait for me to make it a real
unlucky day".
New Son-In-Law

A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my
business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."

The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the
operations."

"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking
organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with
you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."




Vatican Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally
there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a
religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If
the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked
an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good -
in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish
community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute
before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised
one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground
where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The
Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said:
"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger
around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that
God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told
him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of
Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't
know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine.




Welcome To Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must
spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide
which one you want."

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden
floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people
standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens
the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to
their knees in shit.

"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door."
Satan smiles and shows him in.

Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over,
everyone back on your heads!"




The Miracle

The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he
appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"

The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."

The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there
is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say was in this bottle?

The driver answers, "Water!"

The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!"

The driver looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, you have done it again!"
Official Visits

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian
ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to
the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's
time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is
loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear
would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the
subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the
final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke,
"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the
room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our
tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian
Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."




Dealing With Snoring

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ''You've got to have a
room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.'' ''Well, I do have a double
room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' admitted the manager, ''and he might be glad to split the
cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'' ''No problem,'' the tired Marine
assured him. ''I'll take it.''
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ''How'd you
sleep?'' asked the manager. ''Never better.'' The manager was impressed. ''No problem with the
other guy snoring, then?'' ''Nope, I shut him up in no time,'' said the Marine. ''How'd you manage
that?'' asked the manager. ''He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,'' the
Marine explained. ''I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he
sat up all night watching me.''




Strong Man

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat
of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I
can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel
back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the
young man, he said, "All right. Get in."




Falling

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to
adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll
quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had
committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very
concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh,
realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I
don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week."




Reluctant Cow
The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk
for only 1,000 rubles.

Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows
like it.

However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.

The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.

They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he
approaches from behind, she moves forward."

The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?"

The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."




39 Children

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born
her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her
second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill
and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens
and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first
husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Trip To Oz

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are
traveling in a car together in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.
They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they
realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their
wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"




Tough Mice

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams
down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."

I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so
times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-
con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his
shotglass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.

He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at
each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"

The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."




Contempt Of Court

Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was
growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.
Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that
court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.

"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.

His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty
dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"

Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay
right now."

The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"




What's In A Name

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds
of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at
me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've
thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How
soon do you need to know?"




Snoring Problems

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see
if she can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop
snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns,
unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it
carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs
into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work
on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he
stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his
privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon
attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't
remember where we were or what we did, but, it look like we got first and second place."




First Date

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day
the boy brought a girl over to dinner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't
wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why
don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.”

The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your
mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.”

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the
mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost
his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, “Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”




Curious Indian Boy

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are
you so curious?"
Shocked President

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3
Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his
head in his hands.

Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?"




Fishing

A man and his new bride check into a hotel, looking forward to their honeymoon. After they go
upstairs the desk clerks looks up and sees the man walking downstairs with his tackle box and
fishing pole. He walks out the door and is gone until nearly midnight.

Before dawn the next morning, once again the desk clerk sees the man walking out the door with
his fishing pole and tackle box. He is gone all day and returns really late.

On the third day as the man walks down the stairs with his tackle box and fishing pole, the desk
clerk stops him.

"Excuse me sir, but I understand you are on your honeymoon," He asks.

"Yes sir.." The man replies.

"Well, If my wife looked like that, I'd be upstairs in bed with her.." he says.

"I can't, she's got ghonnerhea." the man replies casually.

"Okay, how 'bout a little oral action?"

"Nope, she's got herpes."The man says calmly.

Agitated, the dek clerk says "Well, you could take the back door.."

"Nope, she's got diarrhea."

Frustrated the desk clerk shouts "Well then what the hell did you marry her for?"

The man smiles "She's got worms too..and they make good bait."
Ireland Crash

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane
crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.




Wooden leg pig

A man is travelling across the country and comes upon a pig with a wooden leg.

This rouses his curiousity so he finds the owner of the pig and asks "How'd your pig get a
wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Why, this pig is really something else. One day, I got trapped under my
tractor. My little fella ran on over to the neighbours and somehow got them to come on over and
free me from under it. This amazing pig saved my life!"

The traveller, amazed, says "That is amazing, so how'd he end up with a wooden leg?"

The farmer goes on to say "Let me tell you about this marvellous pig. Another time, the house
set fire and I was trapped inside, unconcious. This sweetheart of a pig ran through the flames,
grabbed my arm in his mouth and dragged me out to safety. This little guy saved my life
AGAIN!"

The traveller, mystified, replied "That is a wonderous thing, but...how'd the pig get a wooden
leg?"

The farmer goes on, saying "Let me tell you...one time I fell in the pond, and not knowing how
to swim, set to drowning. This beautiful creature dived on in, and pulled me out to safety, then
gave me mouth to mouth resucitation. The little bugger SAVED MY LIFE! AGAIN!"

The traveller, amazed, but now incredibly curious, asked again..."Wow, but..how'd he get the
wooden leg?!"

The farmer replied, "A marvellous creature, I tells ya, a real beaut. A pig like that, you just can't
eat a pig like that.

At least not all at once"




Kiwis
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
He's okay boys. He's one of us."




Tampons Wonder

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to
the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he
can't do either one. "




I won, is that because...

Three third graders are playing at recess. A white kid, Jimmy, an Italian kid, Joey, and a black
kid, Tyrone. Jimmy says, "I'm bored, every day we come out at recess and do the same thing.
Lets do something different. Lets measure our penis'." So they all whip out their penis' and
Jimmy and Joey say "Wow Tyrone, u have the biggest penis, you win." So that night Tryone's
mother asks what he did in school, so he tells her, "we were really bored at recess, so me Joey
and Jimmy measured our penis', and mom, guess what. I won, Is that because I'm black?? so his
mother looks at him and says, "No son, its because your 23.




Cookies
This little black boy comes down the stairs and sees that his mom is making cookies. He goes up
to her and covers himself in flour and says "Look Momma I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him
and sends him to his father. "Look daddy I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him and sends him to
his grandmother. "Look gandma I'm a white boy." She slaps him and sends him back to his
mother. "Now what did you learn from this?" "I'v only been white for a couple a minutes and I
already hate you fucking black people!"




What do you want for Xmas?

A little boy goes to the local mall to see Santa. When Santa askes the little boy what he wants for
Christmas, the little boy replies, "I don't know". So Santa starts thinking of things that the little
boy might like and spells it out. Each time he says a letter, he pushes the boys nose. B-I-K-E. C-
A-T.
Etc. Santa runs out of ideas and asks the little boy one more time what he wants for Christmas.
The little boy says, "I want some P-U-S-S-Y, and I know you have some because I can smell it
on your fingers.




Is The Seal Broken?

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the
groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing," his mother asked?

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the
seal."




Horse Riding

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of
water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on
your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing
the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is
the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Name Game

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.




Sex Positions

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go
home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for
making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many
positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just
lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."




Childrens' Minds

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first
half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight
may surprise you.

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

Never underestimate the power of...termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?
Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's... pollution.

A penny saved is... not much.

Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.




Innocent Girl

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was
punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this
... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."
Balcony Life

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-
year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all
the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being
towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the
Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.




Special Trick

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma.
Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to
visit us again."




A Wet Whisper

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from
now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to
his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."
Train Delay

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,
"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all
of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the
tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the
train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the
train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She
hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."




Nice Children's Tale

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched
down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you
have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, " For Chrissakes!! Will you get lost?! I'm
trying to take a dump!"
Problems In Maths

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards,
special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort,
they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't
kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are
spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls
him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without
a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime,
day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to
his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little
Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says:
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT
was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed
to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.




God's Creations

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him,
"Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying
her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what
was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's
doing a lot better job lately."




Mortgage Problems

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for
his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you
want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still
extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in
a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said,"Yesterday I was walking
past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should
wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"




Asking Mommy

Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her
mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about
their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again,
"That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy,
Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me
very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He
consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have
to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It
tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with,
"Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight
130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an
"F" in sex."




Airplane Conversation
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little
Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What
would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet
a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of
dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when
you don't know shit?"




Legs In The Air

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came
home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs
sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the
rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work,
Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was
Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it
hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"




Giggling In Class
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large
assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from
one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she
reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another
male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't
want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over
to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns
to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school
days are over!"




Cow Giving Birth

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-
eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees.
No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well Willie, do you have any
questions?"

"Just one," gasped the pie-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"




Going To The Toilet
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her
students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner
for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is
unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands
with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "




uying a Horse

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse
to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"




Blood Circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he
said: "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it and I should
turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn't run into
my feet?"

A class member shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."




Better Than Pork

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest
opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork.
Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're
suposed to be celibate, but...?"

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and
said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"




You Were Warned

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with
nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and
strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further
along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking
until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.

He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry....You've had two warnings!"




Lost Husband
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if
she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."




Alimony

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've
decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a
few bucks myself."




All About Adam

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating
apples by myself."

"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."

Eve said, "A man! What's that?"

"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll
get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open
jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."

"Sounds great!" said Eve.

"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."




Go Fly A Kite

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times
with no success.
All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need
to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you
told me to go fly a kite."




About Men

1. Why is man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he's coming (cumming) or going.

2. Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.

3. Why did God make men before women?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

4. Why did God make man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

5. Why did God make men smarter than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

6. Why does it take one sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop to ask directions.

7. How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
Don't know, it never happened.

8. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.




Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that
her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with
a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and
rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror,
rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day
will make my breasts grow over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man...




The Test

One day there was this Teacher who after missing a few days of school because of snow on
friday decided to tell her students that there was going to be a test monday no matter what.

So the the class clown in class raises his had asks, "Well what if I have some great sexaul
expeirences this weekend and I come in on monday and I am just too tired to take that test?"

Then the teacher responds with, "Well I guess you will have to use your left hand to write then."




Tic, Tic, Tic

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins
them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her
eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me
crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting
in the bus.




50 dollars is 50 dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say,
"Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50
dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't
ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one
word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all
his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50
dollars."




3 Wishes

A guy walks into a bar. He has a huge wad in his pocket, 2 beautiful blondes on either arm, and a
little man on his shoulder. The bartender thinks this is odd but figures it would be ok to serve
him.

The guy asks if he can buy everyone in the house a drink. The bartender looks at him kinda
funny and says, "Sir, I'm gonna have to see some money before I can pour that many drinks." So,
the guy reaches into his pocke, pulls out a huge wad of $100 bills, and lays 5 of them on the bar.

The bartender pours all the drinks and just as he has finished the last one, the little man on the
guy's shoulder runs down his arm, hops off his hand and knocks every drink over then proceeds
back up the man's arm.

So, the man tells the bartender he wants to order everyone in the house a drink. Same exact thing
happens again.

For the third time, the man asks to buy the house a round and the bartender looks at him and
says, "Brother, do you not realize what is happening here? I can't keep pouring these drinks.
Now, what is the deal?"

The man sighs and says, "One day I was walking along the beach when I ran into a bottle. A
genie popped out and said he could grant me 3 wishes. The first thing I wished for was a wad of
$100 bills that never ended. The second thing I wished for was 2 gorgeous blondes to have for
the rest of my life." The bartender says, "Well what was the third thing you wished for?" The
man replied, "A 12 inch prick."




Halloween Party

A black couple was invited to attend a Halloween costume party. The husband asked his wife to
get him a costume. The first day she came home with a Batman costume. "Woman", he said,
"you know there has never been a black Batman! I can't wear this! Get me something more
suitable for this party." So the next day, he came home to find a Superman costume for him.
"Woman", he said again. "There has never been a black Superman either. People will laugh at
me if I wear this. Now get me something I can wear!" On the third day he came home to find 3
large cottonballs, a white belt, and a 2x4. "What is this?" he asked. Politely, she said, "You can
attach those cottonballs and go as a domino, you can wrap that belt around your waist and go as
an Oreo cookie, or you can shove that 2x4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle!"




Men Ruling

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two
lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men
that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that
said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of
men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men
should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your
mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."




A Blondes Legs

Q:What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A:Nothing, They never met!
College Female Dorms

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the
female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being
caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"




Rough Day At The Bar

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man,
"Have a rough day?"

The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!"

The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."

The man downs the shots and leaves.

The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka.
Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"

The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."

Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."

The man downs his shots and leaves.

The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka. Bartender asks the
man, "Another rough day?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The bartender asks the man, "Does anyone in your family like women??"

The man says, "Yeah, my wife."
Little Green Man

There was a lil' green man who went to his lil' green house. He went to his lil' green shower and
turned the lil' green tap on. He heard the lil' green doorbell ring, so he turned off the lil' green
tap, put on a lil' green towel and opened the lil' green door! There was his lil' green girlfriend.
The lil' green man opened his lil' green arms out wide to give her a lil' green hug! He wanted to
give her a "surprise." His lil' green towel went off and the lil' green girlfriend ran across the lil'
green street screaming, got hit by a lil' green car and died.

The rule is: never run across the road when the green man is flashing.




No Pants

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting
on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any
pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."

Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to
long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."




Far East Problem

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis.
He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very
common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he
goes back and sees a doctor in Thailand.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very
common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA."
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
A close Shave

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the
problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just
place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man
has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."




New Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to
purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad
went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.
He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here
and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a
might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over.
Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his
excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show
here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if
ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"




Sitting In The Car

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops
to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading
a magazine.
The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on.
"Listening to music," the guy says.
Pointing toward the lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?"
"Reading a magazine, of course."
"How old are you?" asks the officer.
"I'm 28."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in 11 minutes she'll be 18."




Vaseline

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is
missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the
seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his
new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't
say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done
any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how
she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word.
Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex
with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid,
and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Sdteve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner
table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a
repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little
more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle
outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims,
"Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"




Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small
children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter
Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's
name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on,
Dick, let's go".




Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities
that might develop.

A few days later, he recieved this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he. He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.




Crime Of Thought

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I address the court?"
Judge: "Of course."
Defendant: "If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."
Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking."
Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch."




Twice The Size

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets
talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields
that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan
immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the
field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"




Torah Scholar

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her
father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the
young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice
house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists
that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."




Whatcha Got There?

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the
neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

The old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging
behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by
carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is
trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long
reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat".




Shark Fishing

One day the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting arch bishops and other
religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas.

When he arrives in his popemobile he sees a man strugling for his life aginst a shark.

Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry.

Horrified he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr Kerry, with GW and
Dick Cheney on board. Dick Checny leans over and pulls him out. Then George W, and Dick
Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats.

The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach.

The pope said to the men,

"I know that there has been alot of attention and alot of strif in this election, but I can see that
you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my
blessings"

Then the pope packs off and drives out of site.

Bush asks, "Who was that?"

"That was the pope Mr President, he is all knowing and in touch with god. Leader of the
Chatholic Church" Said Dick.

Bush says, "Well thats all neat and fine, but he dosent know anything about shark fishing. Hows
the bait holding up?"
Land of OZ

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of
OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come
before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies - "Is Dorothy around?"




Tragedy

John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a
discussion of words and their meaning.

The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.

"That's wrong," Kerry says. "That would be considered an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"You are completely incorrect" says the Senator. "That would be what we
would consider a great loss".

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. "Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane
carrying Senator John Kerry was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy".

"Fantastic !" exclaims Kerry. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't
be an accident!"




Prostate Surgery

Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he
could be sexually active.

John Edwards called to wish Kerry well.

Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.

Howard Dean called with encouragement on recovery.

Bill Clinton called Teresa.




Advanced Medicine

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one
person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it
in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from
one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of
Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."




Pushing It

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the
other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my
teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.
That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all
stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who
was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like
this, so I pushed it back in!"




Weird Names

One day a little boy asked his father, "how come you named my sister Running Dear?"

So the father answerd his question and said, "when your sister was born I couldn't think of a
name so I looked out the window and that was the first thing that I saw."

"Oh" said the little boy, "is that the same reason why you named my brother Flying Bird?"

The father said to his son "why do you ask that Two Dogs Fucking?"




Scared Dad
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has
to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."




Father Of Who

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the
one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5
years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my
bare ass with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".




Jamaican Baby

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had
just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the
Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve,
leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
Pregnancy Question

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she
shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know,"
placing a reassuring hand on
her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."




Cosmetics Line

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years
younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked,
"Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."




Southern Girl

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from
Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said,
"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to
the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come
on, Baby, . Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I
WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly
departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other ans wered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men.
Unpredictable

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as
they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I
hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of
nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to
contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches
her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great
astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."




Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees
were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested,
but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little
kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new
partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the
same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked,
"Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill
Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with
unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."




Harassing Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady
was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady!
You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she
would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he
would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.




Like A Woman

As a boat is about to sink, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I'm going
to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks: "Is there someone on this ship who is man enough to
make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!".




Gently Put

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples
over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson
picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband
just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"




Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he
buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a
change!"




A Miracle

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow,just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks
half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."




A Doctor's Opinion

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed
off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What took you so long to
answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"I was getting a second opinion."




Obstetrician Visit

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all
the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."




Red Tomatoes

A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes... seems she can't get them to turn
red.

She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door has a garden full of big red
tomatoes.
She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand naked in front of the tomatoes, they
blush and turn bright red."

This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next few days standing nude in her
garden.

A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks... "have your tomatoes turned red?"

"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened... the cucumbers have swollen up
and are standing on end."




What Day It Is

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this
is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box
containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her
favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"




Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there
the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,“'Honey, my hands are
freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man!
My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm
them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he
returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She
looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?”
Slow Driver

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a
car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in
the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the
speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower
than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-
Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain
a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem
awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."




The Carburettor

"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor
is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."




Labor Pills

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The
doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the
woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he
decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You
women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same
thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred
75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling
nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This
isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling
great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their
newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.




Nude Tan

A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of
her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day,
she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that
no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the
stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The
Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing
a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"

"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the
roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the
dining room skylight."




3 women in a bar...

3 women are sitting in a bar discussing the size of their pussies. The first woman says;"mine's so
big that my boyfriend can fit his whole fist in there!"
the second woman replies with;"that's nothing. mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit both fists
up there".
The third woman smiles to herself as she slides down the bar stool.




Nude Driving

Man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife
gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.
The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she
whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and
leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the
steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do,
love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and
shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked
hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."




Stirring On Mars

The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down
and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to
breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a
lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came
upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence
like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. He walked up to the front door and found it
open.
He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen, he went back there.
WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a
large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon.
As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a
baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the
gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was
not the way it was done on Earth.

She asked, "How do you do it on Earth?"

With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you. After an hour
of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.

"Well," she said, "where is the baby?"
He said "Oh, that takes nine months."

"Well why did you stop stirring?"




Waiting For Love

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After
the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm
keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."




16 Years Of Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her
arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked
what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy
was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been
collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take
this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her
face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free
bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!




Holy Water
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in
it."




Looking Young

A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing, humming and giggling all
over herself. Her husband asked her why she was so happy. She said, "I went to the doctor today
and he said I have the breasts of a twenty year old."

The husband then asked, "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?"

"Your name didn't come up in our conversation." She replied.




The Coffin

This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put him in a coffin, so the wife
told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up his ass. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a
tear in her dead husband's eye. She bent over and said, "I told you it hurts you fucking bastard."




Deathbed

Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she
held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused
him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must
confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go
to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door
neighbor."

Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I
know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"




Ed Zachary

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite
sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical
expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So
she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary
Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Terrified., the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face
rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."




Where Babies Come From

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me?
Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't
have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"




Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses,
they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our
sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how
to spella 'Mississippi'."




Italian Vacation

You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna
two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the
toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss
on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anda knife but no
fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand,
I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch. I don't
even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager anna tella
him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet. So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on
my bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma
bitch.

I go back to Italy.
Smart Bribe

Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so
shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of
manslaughter.

The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The
relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"

"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."




Crappy Story

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've
had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big
deal, anyway?"

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold
weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by
staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The
poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the
ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to
relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this
horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too
heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all
about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the
singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the
bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then
decided to eat the little bird.

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy,
and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.




Driving Award

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the
officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe
Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a
smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the
border yet?"




Strong Pill

Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore.
Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly
to Hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're
VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE,
understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in
fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects
for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did
say
they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into
his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly
concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little,
sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-
whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need...a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."




Obscene Note

It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid,
and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat,
falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.
"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell
the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.

"I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like
that."

"Would it help to just write it down?"

The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the
judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and
finally to the jury.

The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the
note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she
passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her,
smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.

The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."

"But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."




Who's Child Is It?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a
problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into
this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke
belong to me or the machine?"




Devil

There were three guys on a building and they all jumped off. One of them were white, one of
them were mexican, and the other one was black. They all went to hell.

When they got to hell the devil told them that if he grabs their dick and it doesnt melt he would
let them go back to earth and live again.
The white guy got up on the throne and the devil held his dick. His dick melted. The devil told
him he was going to burn in hell forever.

The mexican guy got up there and the devil held his dick. His dick melted. The devil told him he
was going to burn in hell forever.

The black guy got up there and the devil held his dick. His dick didnt melt. The devil was
suprised to see that his dick didnt melt.

The devil then asked why his dick didnt melt. The black guy says, "Chocolate melts in your
mouth not in your hand."




Golf Balls

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks
him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the
cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was
my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey,
honey — this one here looks like yours!'"




Drinks

A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says "Bartender give me a scotch on the
rocks." The bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks: "If
you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?" Immediately the frog
replies, "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!".




Going To Sleep

It's closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. "God, I hate getting home at
this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for
what seems like hours".
"Sneaking's not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstrais, and yelling
'Hey baby, let's have sex'. When I do that, my wife always pretends she's sound asleep".
Angry Shiek

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with
over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the
Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You
three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding
to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"




Bad Golfer

Dangerous shot
Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband
on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came
over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he
could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.
He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and
stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line,
careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.
Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife.
Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new
wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn
doors and hit through the barn.
"No way," he replied. "I can't do that."
"Why not?" she asked.
He responded, "The last time I did that something terrible happened."
"What happened?" she asked.
The man answered, "I got a double bogey."
Black Powder

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.

"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.

"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a
peach."

"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.

So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.

The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid
off."

"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."

"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"

"Give me a peach and I'll show you."




Impossible Story

Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty-two- year-old bride who's pregnant with
my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy
who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and
suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the
beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"




Christmas - Getting Into Heaven
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of
this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas
to get into Heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It
represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,
"They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of
women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those
symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."




Rye Bread

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex
life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks
the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread,
your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind
the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"




Special Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special
ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The
old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a
stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you
need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to
verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".




Good Reason

At 7 AM, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her
husband in the kitchen – drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarls, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven
in the morning?"

"There is," he replies. ‘Breakfast.’




Spoiled Mother

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus
ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the
elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
Funny Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to
gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I
made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."




Sunday Class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the
universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin
and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir
from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her
twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Osama's Valentine

Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of
Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?"

His father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to
give a valentine to?"

"Osama bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," Josh says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give
Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving
people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved
them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "Josh, that's the most
wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Josh says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out
of him."




Nudist Vacation

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on
the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot
bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw
men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber
they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just
saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber
and dumber he got !"
Looking For Cops

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops -
especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the
blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."




Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs
all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample
medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your
trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm
more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the
strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs
and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"




Head and Shoulders

A blonde and a burnett are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the burnett
says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruf?"
"Yeah," answered the burnett, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give
Shoulders?"
Back Sit

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were
making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky
tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he
would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants
unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''




Lights On

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops -
especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the
blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."




Dumb Husband

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone
rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I,
the weather man?" -- and prompty slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."




Jack Or Jill

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday.
"Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the
next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack
and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal.
Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he
knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack
and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?" He looks at her
and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack
off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off.




Patent Leather Shoes

Boudreaux went to the store and bought him a pair of patent leather shoes. After seeing how
mirror looking they were, he decided to go to the dance. He asked one lady to dance. He then
tells her, "You are wearing red panties." She asks how does he know? He looks down at his
patent leather shoes. He then asks another lady to dance. He says, "You are wearing blue
panties." She asks how does he know this? He then looks down at his patent leather shoes. He
then asks Clotilde to dance. He looks at his patent leather shoes about five times. He asks
Clotilde if she is wearing any panties.. She replies, "No" He says, "Thank God, I thought my
patent leather shoes were cracked."




Saber tooth tigar

This newfie, one time, wanted to marry a Shieks daughter in Egypt. So the Shiek said to the
Newfie, "You have to complete three tasks before you can marry here."
So the newfie replied, "That sounds good."
So then the Shiek said, "There are three tents. In the first tent, there is a forty ounce bottle of
rum, which you have to drink in a half hour."
The newfie replies, "piece of cake."
"In the second tent," the Shiek said, "there is a saber tooth tiger that needs his tooth pulled."
The Newfie replies, "EASY."
"And in the third tent," the Shiek says, "there is a women that has never been sexually pleasured
before, and you have to pleasure her."
The Newfie replies, "Not a problem"
So the Newfie walk in the first tent, and a half hour later, he walks out and says, "Well, that was
easy enough, show me the next tent."
So the Newife walks into the second tent and then the tent started to shake, and strange noises
started to sound. A few minutes later, there was silence. The Newfie walks out of the tent,
bleeeding and ripped upo clothes and says, "NOW, wheres that women who wanted her tooth
pulled"




Expensive Kiss

One day, a man noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also
quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that
showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he
knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," the man
stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you
ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor
man when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a
few moments.

Finally, they return, and ask the man to step inside. "Okay," the husband says gruffly, "For ten
thousand dollars, you can kiss my wife's tits."

At this, the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. The man
takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on
for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he
growls.

"I can't," replies the man, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"
Fresh Marriage Breakfest

Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up
for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he
greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride,
"breakfast will be ready."

"Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott.

"Toast and juice," replied Tracy.




The Interview

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA
agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside
this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I
can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and
went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."




New Secretary
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left
tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can
have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears
him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"




Car Problem

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer
were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical
system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."




Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A
keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you
did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be
in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A
mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did
with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I
guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a
computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!




Blonde In Jail

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head escaping from jail. The brunette ran up a tree and
a police officer yells "who is there?" and the brunette says "tweet tweet". So the police officer
walks away.

Then, the redhead runs up the tree and the police officer says "who is there?" and the red head
says "meow" so the police officer walks away.

So the blonde runs up the tree and the police officer says "who is there?" the blonde says
"moooo"




Names On The Wall

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung
in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted
on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood
beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the
8:30 .... or the 11:00?"
Mouthful

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable
words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."




The Daily News

Once a Blonde and a brunette were watching the news when they saw a man at the top of a
building threatening to jump off. The Brunette said "I bet you fifty bucks he's going to jump off,
what do you say?" The Blonde said "sure," They watched carefully for 10 minutes when the man
jumps off. The Blonde hands over the 50 bucks and says "good job," The brunette looks guilty
and says "I'm sorry, here's your fifty bucks back, I saw the earlier showing and I knew the man
was going to jump off," then blonde says "don't worry, I saw it too, I just didn't think he'd do it
again."




Oklahoma Fan

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-
free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and
says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to
school".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to
mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his mother.

"Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your
father!"

Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine
is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you
Texas bastards."




Drunk Driver

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything
you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."




Happy Pharmacist

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.




Union Rules

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to
check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a
more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the
room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year old woman he said, "I'm
sorry though, but she has seniority"




Teaching A Lesson

A wife was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly , her
husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too
many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN

THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you
LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the
salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to
fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.




Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of
Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on
shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the
shopping cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”




Magic Mirror

There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street.
A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the
mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be
banished into the mirror forever
The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said:
I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver.
Next the brunette went in she said:
I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car.
The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said:
I think...
She was vanished into the mirror forever.
I think...

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror.
The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if
it's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true, you will disappear."

The blonde, red head, and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them.
First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the
world." Poof, she vanished. Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the
smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared. Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and
said, "I think ... " Then Poof, she disappeared.




At Work

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an
office.Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.

So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave
early too.

The boss left and so did they.
The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.
The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.
The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her
husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask
the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"




Blonde Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we
don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here", the blonde says. "I bought one last month". Thinking quickly, the
pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty
container next time". "Sure", the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"
The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty
deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it
under your arms".

"No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".




Going To Iraq

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll
explain later". The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, “He went that way. "

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you
enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. "

The nun said she understood completely.

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I
don't want to go to Iraq either"




On A Lonely Island

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of
food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets
lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every
time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once
almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a
dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her
to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough
to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can
ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are
there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties,
a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears,
still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said
the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the
daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his
fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the
balls are for decoration only.




Drunk Again

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of
course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

Of Course, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he
asks the bartender.
Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.




Emergency Landing

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so
the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my
airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get
bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a
place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's
land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back
up. "Shit!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed
to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same
result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time,
and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing,
and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the
runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be
total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"




Corruption Trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it
true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer
repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."




Aliens In Arizona

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of
the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no
response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew
his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore
us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he
finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed
in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to
the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it
was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy,
when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you
don't mess with him."




Riding The Camel

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he
noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked
the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long
way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the
camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After
he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his
sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into
the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the
camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the
sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She`d just begun her first game of
golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense , she couldn`t continue her game. She
decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,"Why are you back so soon?" What`s
wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she answered.

"Where?," he asked.

"Between the first and second holes," she replied.

He nodded his head knowingly and said,"Then your stance is too wide."




Presidental Call

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "There's good news & bad
news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."




Your'e Beautiful!

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes
fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"




Want A Divorce?

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want
a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with
your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches
80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly
starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"




Golf Funeral

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green
when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His
friend says: "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly
a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."




Medical Orders

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is
suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with
chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for
the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.




Say What You Mean

A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to
play a guessing game with them. She asks, "what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?"
A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, "it's a strawberry." The
teacher replied, "no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking."
She then asks, "what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?"
The same little boy jumps up and shouts, "an orange." The teacher smiled patiently and said, "no
Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking."
She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, "what is long,
brown, has a red head and in my pants?"
Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, "no miss, it's
my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!"




Word Test
See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake
you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

Betcha can't resist passing it on ;)




Husband Calling

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the
phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.

"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."




Duck Hunting

A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,

"Afternoon sir", the ranger says, "You got an Alabama duck hunting license"?

"Yes I do", the redneck replies.

The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger
then says, "Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?"
"Yes I do sir" , the redneck says,

So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, "well this duck is from
Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?"

"Yes I do sir" the good ole boys says.

"Well dang son where you from?" the ranger says.

The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:

"Well you tell me buddy!"




Fresh From Jail

While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping
in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a
woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go
along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just
told me he thinks you are really cute!".




Saving For Marriage

One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the cubical. While he was on the toilet, he
heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was a
young man, sitting on the toilet playing with himself.

The priest was shocked. He told the young man that he knew what he was doing in there and that
he should save it for marriage.

The young man agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.

About a week later, the priest ran into the young man at the mall and asked him how he was
doing with his problem.

The young man replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"
Manhood

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His
doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for
large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what
have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the
kitchen."




Bra Types

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the
counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and
material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied
the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The
Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the

Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference
between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the
masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of
mole hills.




English Lessons

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be
self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes
the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this,
the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be
civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."




Tell The Difference

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for
a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a
visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up
making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he
replied.




Working Construction

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on
the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his
eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a
handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is
wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."




Brothel

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and
a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest
ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

				
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