Myths About Male Sexual Victimization
Adapted from a presentation at the 5th International Conference on Incest and Related Problems, Biel, Switzerland, August 14, 1991. Myth #1 - Boys and men can't be victims. This myth, instilled through masculine gender socialization and sometimes referred to is the "macho image," declares that males, even young boys, are not supposed to be victims or even vulnerable. We learn very early that males should be able to protect themselves. In truth, boys are children - weaker and more vulnerable than their perpetrators - who cannot really fight back. Why? The perpetrator has greater size, strength, and knowledge. This power is exercised from a position of authority, using resources such as money or other bribes, or outright threats whatever advantage can be taken to use a child for sexual purposes. Myth #2 - Most sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by homosexual males. Pedophiles who molest boys are not expressing a homosexual orientation any more than pedophiles who molest girls are practicing heterosexual behaviors. While many child molesters have gender and/or age preferences, of those who seek out boys, the vast majority are not homosexual. They are pedophiles. Myth #3 - If a boy experiences sexual arousal or orgasm from abuse, this means he was a willing participant or enjoyed it. In reality, males can respond physically to stimulation (get an erection) even in traumatic or painful sexual situations. Therapists who work with sexual offenders know that one way a perpetrator can maintain secrecy is to label the child's sexual response as an indication of his willingness to participate. "You liked it, you wanted it," they'll say. Many survivors feel guilt and shame because they experienced physical arousal while being abused. Physical (and visual or auditory) stimulation is likely to happen in a sexual situation. It does not mean that the child wanted the experience or understood what it meant at the time. Myth #4 - Boys are less traumatized by the abuse experience than girls. While some studies have found males to be less negatively affected, more studies show that long term effects are quite damaging for either sex. Males may be more damaged by society's refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their resultant belief that they must "tough it out" in silence. Myth #5 - Boys abused by males are or will become homosexual. While there are different theories about how the sexual orientation develops, experts in the human sexuality field do not believe that premature sexual experiences play a significant role in late adolescent or adult sexual orientation. It is unlikely that someone can make another person a homosexual or heterosexual. Sexual orientation is a complex issue and there is no single answer or theory that explains why someone identifies himself as homosexual, heterosexual or bi-sexual.
Whether perpetrated by older males or females, boys' or girls' premature sexual experiences are damaging in many ways, including confusion about one's sexual identity and orientation. Many boys who have been abused by males erroneously believe that something about them sexually attracts males, and that this may mean they are homosexual or effeminate. Again, not true. Pedophiles who are attracted to boys will admit that the lack of body hair and adult sexual features turns them on. The pedophile's inability to develop and maintain a healthy adult sexual relationship is the problem - not the physical features of a sexually immature boy. Myth #6 - The "Vampire Syndrome"--that is, boys who are sexually abused, like the victims of Count Dracula--go on to "bite" or sexually abuse others. This myth is especially dangerous because it can create a terrible stigma for the child, that he is destined to become an offender. Boys might be treated as potential perpetrators rather than victims who need help. While it is true that most perpetrators have histories of sexual abuse, it is NOT true that most victims go on to become perpetrators. Research by Jane Gilgun, Judith Becker and John Hunter found a primary difference between perpetrators who were sexually abused and sexually abused males who never perpetrated: non-perpetrators told about the abuse, and were believed and supported by significant people in their lives. Again, the majority of victims do not go on to become adolescent or adult perpetrators; and those who do perpetrate in adolescence usually don't perpetrate as adults if they get help when they are young. Myth #7 - If the perpetrator is female, the boy or adolescent should consider himself fortunate to have been initiated into heterosexual activity. In reality, premature or coerced sex, whether by a mother, aunt, older sister, baby-sitter or other female in a position of power over a boy, causes confusion at best, and rage, depression or other problems in more negative circumstances. To be used as a sexual object by a more powerful person, male or female, is always abusive and often damaging. Believing these myths is dangerous and damaging.
So long as society believes these myths, and teaches them to children from their earliest years, sexually abused males will be unlikely to get the recognition and help they need. So long as society believes these myths, sexually abused males will be more likely join the minority of survivors who perpetuate this suffering by abusing others. So long as boys or men who have been sexually abused believe these myths, they will feel ashamed and angry. And so long as sexually abused males believe these myths they reinforce the power of another devastating myth that all abused children struggle with: that it was their fault. It is never the fault of the child in a sexual situation - though perpetrators can be quite skilled at getting their victims to believe these myths and take on responsibility that is always and only their own.
For any male who has been sexually abused, becoming free of these myths is an essential part of the recovery process
Differences Between Adult Male and Female Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse By Peter Dimock, LICSW
Males are sexually abused less often than females. Males are sexually abused more often by other males; however, more recent studies indicate increased reporting of abuse by females. Males are more often abused by someone outside the family who is known to them and who is frequently younger than abusers of females (baby-sitters, parental friend, extended relative, etc.). Males are less likely to report the abuse. Males are less likely to identify the abuse as abuse or as harmful to them. Males generally report experiencing the abuse more positively than females especially if perpetrated by a female. A male may question his identity and sexual preference more frequently. Males are more likely to act out the sexual abuse aggressively and report more frequently than females a desire to hurt others. Males are more likely to view themselves and be viewed by others as responsible for the abuse. Males are less likely to seek assistance for the sexual abuse; however, male sexual abuse victims are more likely than males who have not been abused to have sought psychological help for other problems. Males are more likely than females to have sexual fantasies about children and desires to engage in sexual activities with a child. Males experience more general psychological, physical and behavioral symptoms than females who tend to be more depressed. Males have been shown in studies to be more vulnerable to physiological and psychological dysfunction than females in stressful situations such as family discord, bereavement, divorce, etc. A logical extension of this would support the hypothesis that they may be more affected by sexual abuse than females yet less likely to acknowledge the abuse or seek help.
Characteristics Observed In Male Sexual Abuse Victims
By Ken Singer, LCSW Denial of Vulnerability Difficulty recognizing that what happened was sexual abuse. High need for control in interactions with others. May appear stubborn and rigid for control in interactions with others and frequently engage in power struggles, or seem passive, codependent and conforming. Both are protection from feelings of vulnerability. Confusion Regarding Sexual Orientation Orientation is exhibited in many ways. Some men claim heterosexuality but are sexual with other men. Some homosexual men question their orientation and wonder how they might be different had they not been abused. Other men may not engage in any sexual behaviors with males or females and are unable to determine their sexual orientation. Confusion of Emotional Needs With Sex Needs for nurturance may be identified as sexual. Many needs may have been met through the sexual abuse and sex continues to be viewed as the only way to be cared for. Real relationships with other men and women are often seen as threatening and sexual behavior may actually be one of the few ways to relate superficially and still have some needs met. Societal norms encourage men to equate sexual prowess with personal value and discourage direct expression of emotional needs. Some men become "Don Juans" or give the impression they are "superstuds" as a way of proving to themselves and the world that they are not gay or weak because of their victimization histories. Gender Shame Confusion and anxiety regarding masculine identity. Extremely uncomfortable around other men. Does not like to be touched by men and often avoids situations where he may be seen unclothed. Because he does not feel part of the group, he is often isolated with few male friends. Shame is especially powerful regarding feelings about masculinity. "Real men" don't get abused, they can protect themselves. Internalized male models are shaming or nonexistent. May exhibit more feminine characteristics as an attempt to separate from negative masculine image or to avoid identifying with the male abuser. Multiple Compulsive Behaviors Sex, food, chemicals and work are examples of common compulsive behaviors used to satisfy an internal drive to continually push oneself to avoid feeling pain and to meet dependency needs but is not productive or helpful.
Physical and Emotional Symptoms Hypertension and frequent chest pains. Recurring dreams or nightmares of being chased or attacked, choked or stabbed. Difficulty urinating in public restrooms. Depression and anxiety. Pattern of Victimizing Self or Others Most victims do not become offenders. Many dysfunctional behaviors may be seen as an attempt to feel more powerful, punish oneself or numb the unwanted feelings connected with the abuse. This may involve passive-aggressive behaviors or subtle put-downs. Some men, act out by exposing, obscene phone calling or voyeuristic activities. Anger toward self can involve suicide attempts or putting oneself in a high risk situations which could lead to injury or death without actually attempting suicide. Victim may react to a current situation as if it were similar to the childhood abuse experience. Victim feels powerless and cannot see the current situation for what it is. Coping mechanisms mimic survival means used during childhood. May actually become involved in abusive relationships as an adult that are in many ways similar to the childhood sexual abuse experience. Boundary Transparency Unrealistic fear that others can see their failures and vulnerability. They fear they can do nothing to protect themselves. This inability to protect self and feeling unsafe can result in difficulty establishing even minimal trust. Other reactions include anxiety, rage and withdrawal. May have a history of boundary intrusions other than sexual abuse, especially physical and emotional abuse. Chaotic Relationships Many difficulties around intimacy, autonomy (self-sufficiency) and commitment to a relationship. Extreme and intense swings in needs for closeness and distance with others. The need to be cared for and have dependency needs met is in conflict with fear of vulnerability and re-victimization. This behavior repeats the victim-perpetrator experience with the partner when that person alternately becomes a perpetrator and a protector. Poorly Defined Sense of Self Self protection has resulted in submersion of self with little internal locus of control. Behaviors are similar to codependency. Importance placed on attempts to avoid feelings of confusion and vulnerability.
Recovery for the Male Sexual Abuse Survivor: Critical Steps in the Healing Process
By Peter Dimock, L.I.C.S.W. Recovery: A Process Recovery may be seen as a process of moving from denial into identification as a victim and eventually out of the victim identification into identification as a survivor. First there is acknowledgement that the victimization occurred. This primarily involves overcoming denial of the feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability associated with being victimized. It is both a cognitive and an emotional experience. Second, it is placement of the victimization in its historical context through exploring and understanding the elements that contributed to its occurrence. Third, it is learning to separate the past from the present. This involves recognizing what elements in the past influence current reactions and finding ways to minimize the influence these feelings and behaviors have when they are no longer functional. And fourth, it is taking charge of one's life through the development of a self that is able to provide support and limits much as the adult responsibly parents the child. (1) Acknowledging the Victimization
The ability to say with some conviction that I am a victim of sexual abuse. If this doesn't occur following continued exploration of the victimization experience and its effects, perhaps he wasn't affected adversely enough to consider himself a victim; i.e. the experience didn't feel traumatic. The victimization may have been a positive experience and/or socially acceptable. This is especially true if the abuser was a woman and he was an adolescent. In this case, the recognition of victimization may not come from the abuse experience itself but from the other ways this experience may have affected his life. Signs of this are difficulty sustaining intimate relationships, sexual dysfunction, compulsive behaviors, feeling continually victimized by women, self worth tied to sexual functioning, and anger at women in general. Indicators of Achieving this Step
Recall of the abuse sufficient to establish the significance of the trauma
This may mean going over the pieces that you have again and again in order to look for the ways he ignores particular details. It is also helpful to explore less obvious assaults on sexuality. The subtle put downs, intrusiveness, shaming, and other abuse of sexuality can have a significant impact and need to be explored.
Belief that he was not the one responsible
This may involve recognizing that even if he sought out the experience, did nothing to stop it, or even enjoyed it, children are not suppose to be in charge of setting the limits in sexual encounters with older peers or adults.
Recognizing vulnerability
This may involve a more extensive look at his family of origin or other factors that made him more vulnerable to the abuse. Most are very isolated and alone and gravitate toward anyone who will give them some attention. He needs to have some understanding about the external factors that led to his abuse. This help dispel the internal belief that he did something to cause it or that he didn't do something to prevent it. Methods
Get a good sexual history using the four categories of sexual abuse. Have him write the history and read material to you or in the group. Begin to make some connections between the events that have happened and some the his reactions in the present. Go over and over the information he provides and expand on it. Identify as many problems as possible that may be associated with the abuse while not making the victimization the cause for all his problems. For example, relationship, compulsive/addictive behaviors, sexual dysfunction, isolation, poor gender esteem (alienation from masculine identity), poor boundaries (can't say no) or overly rigid boundaries (always says no), codependency, sexual/affectional preference confusion. Operate primarily in the cognitive realm with some attempts to move into emotional sphere. Don't worry if most of the work takes place without any affect at first.
(2)
Recognizing the Impact
Men have been socialized to stay in control of their feelings and to deny vulnerability. There is a tremendous amount of energy that goes into preventing the facade from cracking. While this may have been adaptive for some of the work men have been asked to do in our society, it keeps them isolated. In order for movement to occur in this phase of recovery, the victim needs to allow his vulnerability to show. Indicators of Achieving this Step
Expression of feelings
These include fear, anger, rage, grief, sadness, etc.
Recognizing needs
May involve calling a group member when feeling depressed, asking for support from another man, reaching out to someone else who is in pain etc. This type of vulnerability may be even more difficult than showing feelings. This really involves beginning to deal with the shame by acknowledging that he has some needs and it is possible to get them met in some positive, healthy ways. This often involves moving into the vulnerability and then closing the door and creating distance.
Revealing ghosts of the past
May involve the revelation that he has also been sexually abusive to someone.
Gender shame
Acknowledging how he feels about himself as a man. Methods
Use of men's group. Encouraging group vulnerability, e.g., doing a group art project, a group abuse history, sexuality discussion, storytelling, guided fantasy (relaxation, healing the inner child, affirmations), role playing a vulnerable situation with other group members taking part. Encouraging outside contact among members without making this a requirement. Anger work. Assignments such as keeping a journal, abstinence contract, etc.
(3)
Understanding the Historical Context
Men have been socialized to stay in control of their feelings and to deny vulnerability. There is a tremendous amount of energy that goes into preventing the facade from cracking. While this may have been adaptive for some of the work men have been asked to do in our society, it keeps them isolated. In order for movement to occur in this phase of recovery, the victim needs to allow his vulnerability to show. Indicators of Achieving this Step
Willingness to listen and explore possible explanations as posed by group members. (Groups are good at this.) Ability to respond emotionally to particular scenarios. This adds concrete credibility to the impact. Desire to talk to supportive siblings or other safe people who could provide factual information.
Methods
Asking family members, friends, etc., to come into a therapy sessions to provide their input into what was occurring at the time. These individuals should be carefully selected as supportive rather than adversarial. Bringing in family pictures and other artifacts of his childhood to help piece together the facts as he remembers them.
(4)
Separating the Past from the Present
It is often difficult for the victim to separate his reactions to present experiences from feelings that emerge from the past victimization. Sometimes they become so enmeshed that the ability to stand back and be at all objective about the situation is lost. Some examples of the feelings that one can suspect may be associated with past abuse are powerlessness, rage, extreme anxiety, helplessness, and fantasies of escape. Indicators of Achieving this Step Separating the past and the present often involves a learning process of gradually increasing the ability to recognize and prevent the same reaction from occurring repeatedly.
Ability to recognize that what he is experiencing may be connected to his abuse. Can begin to identify situations where he responded with feelings that were clearly connected to his past victimization. Begins to realize that he has choices. Can look back after the fact and make an attempt to clear up the confusion. Is able to separate his feelings from the past at the time and make a course correction.
Methods
Going over the event in detail and helping him sort it out by seeing the inconsistencies in his evaluation. Doing feelings work in the group. Being able to attach an emotional response to the victimization helps to separate that piece and avoids having it be continually problematic in the present.
(5)
Consolidating the Learning
The real test of any therapy is the ability of the client to sustain the change in his daily life and to continue to adapt and change on his own. He eventually outgrows his need
for a therapist and seeks his support from his real world. The abuse at this point begins to recede into the background and more current events become important. These are most often aimed at independence and self actualization. Indicators of Achieving this Step
Has developed an internal adult that can bring him back from the childlike feelings when they occur. Readiness and willingness to reach out to others through volunteering in some way. Can confront his abuser in some concrete way. Knows what his needs are and can get them met other than sexually. Has developed a support system that includes male friends. Compulsive behaviors are under control.
Methods
Find some way for him to take on his abuser in a real way. This may involve writing and sending a letter, making a phone call, or having an actual session. The willingness to do this is a big step. A family of origin session can be helpful in consolidating the changes he has made. If there is some speaking he can do in front of a safe audience, it will do much to fortify his confidence and diminish his level of shame. Saying goodbye.
For more information on “Invisible Victims: The Diversity of Male Survivors” please contact Dave Shannon Boston Area Rape Crisis Center 617.492.8306