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How can I be a better Parent? Every parent thinks about his or her abilities and knowledge from time to time. We seek advice from other parents, our parents, grandparents, books and websites. There is so much information available, so many theories and opinions, how do you know who’s right? And how do you know if you are doing a good job? To begin with, each parent has a unique personality, part from birth, and part from their own upbringing. And each child is different, with individual needs, development growth and habits. Because of this, parenting can’t be a “size fits all” approach. Good parents are committed, adaptive, patient and creative. When considering the information you read and hear, ask yourself how it fits into your own personality and lifestyle. There are four identified parenting styles: Rejecting/Neglecting/Non-Involved: Low Love and Low Limits. Authoritarian: Low Love and High Limits. Permissive: High Love and Low Limits. Authoritative, Democratic, Balanced: High Love and High Limits.
Love and limits are used to describe a parent’s discipline orientation. Parents who put more emphasis on their relationship with the children use love as their primary style. The more action oriented parents use limits as the parenting style. Most parents use both love and limits when raising their children, the balance of the two determines the particular style. Only the democratic or authoritative parenting style has both high love and high limits. In addition, each style has strengths and weaknesses that are learned in the parent’s own lives. Most parents choose a particular style for one of three reasons: they don’t know what to do, it was the way they were raised, or they agree with it. Permissive parents use love as their primary style, and consider love to be more important than limits. These parents believe that if they just love the child enough, the child will love them so much in return that things will go smoothly. They also use attachment and their bond with their child to teach right from wrong. They spend a lot of time with the child communicating, negotiating, and reasoning. Children and adolescents from permissive homes are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform less well in school, but they have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and lower levels of depression.
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Authoritarian parents use limits as their primary style, considering limits important than love and relationship. They use external control to teach right from wrong and quickly act upon a discipline issue. Consequently, children are usually quick to react and rarely get their parents to negotiate. These children perform moderately well in school and do not usually display problem behavior, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression. Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. They strive for clear standards for their children’s behavior. The parents are assertive, but not intrusive or restrictive. The goal here is to raise children who are assertive as well as socially responsible, self-regulated and cooperative. Authoritative parents participate in a give and take relationship with their children, and explain more about behavior and limits. This parenting style works well congenial and compliant children, and well with strong willed children. Their children develop a sense of self-reliance, do well in school, have fewer behavioral problems and are socially adept. The guidelines presented here will help you identify your parenting style, and be more successful in raising happy, healthy kids. The guidelines will let you know the basic needs of children at different ages, help you to identify your communication and involvement style, and hopefully eliminate some of the uncertainty and frustration of parenting. Perhaps you have older children, and are just starting to investigate parenting skills. It is never too late start working on communication, to become involved in your child’s life and improve your parenting skills. The goals of parenting are to bond lovingly with the child, encourage and promote independence, be involved in the child’s life, and to mentor and assist the child’s academic and life skills education. As you realize you are the parent, and the significance of this in the child’s life, the patterns you establish for your family style will contribute in concert to achieve these results. As you set bedtimes, you are setting limits, creating a healthy routine, teaching independence and equipping your child for school and life. In learning to understand the mindset of a child, and responding with love and praise, you create security, self-confidence and self-esteem. Setting limits and choosing your battles creates a firm parameter for the child’s emotional
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growth. By staying involved with your child throughout childhood and teenage years, you firm up the bonds started in infancy, create a trusting and safe environment, and ensure your child’s life skills are wise and intact. 1. You are the parent. What you do matters. A young woman had an epiphany. She quickly called her mother. “Mom, I just realized nobody’s coming at 5 o’clock to pick up this baby!” Remember, you are the parent. This is important, and, as the older your children get, the more it comes into play. We enter parenthood with some misgivings. We have memories of our own childhood, and an opinion of our parents’ skill at parenting. We may feel we missed things growing up, and want to make this up to our children. We may feel our parents were too strict, too lenient, or uninvolved. While developing your methods of child rearing, take some time to access these issues. Remember what was said earlier, each child is different, with individual needs. What you needed as a child, your own child may not need. Try to develop a style that suits both you and your child, or children. As parents, you begin as the most important people in the child’s life. As infants, the child needs food, warmth, comfort, protection and stimulation, all given from you. This continues throughout the child’s life. At first, all they know about the world is what you show them and tell them. How you react to them sets the tone for their future perceptions of how the world will react to them. Your interests, your attention, your tone of voice, your level of affection, all contribute to the security and perceptions that the child will carry. Hug and kiss your child and each other often. Hugging and caressing your child makes them feel secure and builds self-esteem. Infants initially recognize their parents by touch. The free flow of affection helps create bonds between the child and parent. And, when they see the parents hugging or kissing, creates a sense of security and protection. Set Limits. Children need rules and limits. The world is a scary place, and children, to an extent, realize they are exposed and helpless. They look to their parents for values, behaviors, and guidelines to live their lives.
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While children develop and strive for an amount of control and independence, limits are important safety nets. Establish adult child boundaries. Children enjoy playing with other children. Adults enjoy the company of other adults. Use this to explain to your children that Moms and Dads need time to play with their friends, the same as the children do. Keep your children’s secrets. When a child, during private time with you, expresses concerns, insecurities or fears, do not share these with other siblings. Unless it is something crucial, ask the child if you can share it with the other parent. Usually, a child will not mind, and this reinforces the fact that each parent can be trusted equally. Do not play on your child’s weaknesses. If your child is clumsy, do not criticize him or her out in front of others. Never compare one child to another. Treat each individually. One child may learn to read quickly, while the other struggles. It will not help the struggling child to be reminded. Children are quick, and already know. Children are, by virtue of childhood, insecure. They are in school and sports, where the atmosphere is competitive. They are in the presence of people to whom they are not special, who do not really know them. At home, they need to feel safe and accepted. Don’t over-react. Learn to take a step back, and breathe. Once, at the pediatrian, a 6 year old announced to her mother she knew how babies were born. “You know that thing that boys have? And that thing that I have? Well, they hook them together”. The mother sat quietly in shock for a moment, then responded, “Well, that the general idea. Can we talk more about it later?” Pay attention when you child is speaking to you. Be sure to make eye contact when the child is talking. If you are talking while doing a chore, look at the child occasionally. Eye contact is acknowledgement. It affirms to the child that what they are saying is important. Sometimes, we tend to listen to the children like a radio, especially if there is more than one child. Parents’ minds are on other things. But keep one ear on what the child is saying. Make an occasional comment, smile, and look them in the eye. 2. Get some Sleep by helping your child sleep well.
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Now, if you have young children, you might reply “Yeah, right!” The reason elderly people have trouble sleeping is that, when the kids are little, they’re up all night with them, and then, when the kids are teenagers, they’re up all night waiting for them to come home, so in old age, they have forgotten how to sleep. But sleep is very important. Set bedtimes for your children. Children need more hours of sleep the younger they are, and parents need time to relax and interact, so establishing bedtimes will provide time in the evening to read, watch TV, do some chores, or just stare aimlessly, uninterrupted. Children need 10-12 hours of sleep each night. With the current social climate, we are all busy with sports, music lessons, dancing lessons, homework, and other activities. These invade quiet time and sleep time. And, because more mothers are working outside the home, to accomplish these things, sleep drops in priority. To set bedtimes, first decide what time you need to get up in the morning, allow time to wake up, shower, get ready for work, make breakfast, and lunches. This is the basis of the bedtime schedule. If you need to be at work by 8 am, and your commute is 30 minutes, then you may need to leave the house by 7:25 am, or earlier if you drop off children at the babysitters. A sample plan may look like this: 6 am 6:15 am 7 am 7:25 am 5:45 pm Wake, make coffee, stretch Shower, get ready for work Get kids up, dressed, breakfast, make lunches On the road Back at home
To function well and be a better parent, you need at least 7-8 hours of sleep. Based upon the sample plan, count backwards from the time set to wake up. Using the sample, for 8 hours of sleep, you need to be in bed by 9:50. It takes on average 10 minutes to really fall asleep.
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This leaves about 4 hours to get dinner, spend time with the kids, attend practices, look at homework, get the kids to bed, and rest enough to sleep. So, can you see the time constraints? When looking at what you would like to do each evening, set realistic and family friendly goals. Maybe you could do a load of laundry every other night, or do all the laundry on the weekends. When her children went to daycare, one mother dressed them before they went to sleep. The kids were a little wrinkled, but they weren’t stressed the next day. Perhaps once or twice a week, you can pick up a take out dinner on the way home. Getting enough sleep is not impossible; it just takes some creativity and teaching the kids early about bedtime habits. Secondly, it’s important to understand the sleep needs of the children at various stages. Sleep Needs of Children, Newborn to Teens Newborns and Infants (6-12 months) need 8-10 hours Toddlers, 1-3, need 10-13 hours Preschoolers, 4-6, need 10-12 hours Children 6-9 need 10 hours Children 10-12 need 9 hours Teens need 8-9.5 hours To set up a bedtime schedule, observe your children’s sleep habits for a week. Notice when the child begins to show signs of sleepiness. Using your sample schedule set up a bedtime schedule based upon the ages of your children. Remember to have some activities for the child to do in bed as they adjust to this schedule. If these routines are new in family life, the emphasis will start by having the child stay in the bed, not insisting they sleep. It is helpful to understand the role of sleep, and have tips on how to handle the various situations that come with setting bedtimes. Newborn to 6 months A newborns internal clock is not fully developed. In the first six months, they generally sleep for 16 to 20 hours a day, divided about equally between night and day. Wake up your newborn every 3 to 4 hours
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for feedings until their weight gain is established; this usually happens in the first few weeks. After this a baby can sleeps for longer periods of time. Newborns' longest sleep periods are usually 4 or 5 hours. They have small bellies, and get hungry more often. If newborns do sleep longer than this, they may be extra hungry during the day and may want to be fed more frequently. By 3 months, a baby averages 5 hours of sleep during the day and about 10 hours at night, but there are frequently some interruptions. About 90% of babies this age sleep through the night, meaning 6 to 8 hours in a row. Knowing this, adjust your sleep schedule as the 6-8 hours your child sleeps is established. If there are siblings, you may want to put them to bed in order of their sleep needs. Put the baby down last. Involve the baby in the older children’s bedtime routine. Babies need to be held, and have time with the parents. Take advantage of this. One thing to know: Babies aren't always awake when they sound like they are; they can cry and make other noises during light sleep. Even if they do wake up during the night, it may only be a few minutes before they fall asleep again on their own. It's best if babies learn early to get themselves to sleep, so don’t respond too quickly, let your baby try. But, if a child under 6 months continues to cry for several minutes, it's time to respond. The baby may be genuinely uncomfortable: hungry, wet, cold, or even sick. Routine nightly awakenings for changing and feeding should be as quick and quiet as possible. This is the first step in teaching bedtime habits. Don’t provide unnecessary stimulation, like talking, playing, or turning on the lights. Reinforce that nighttime is for sleeping. You have to teach this because your baby doesn't care what time it is as long as his or her needs are met. Even at this young age, establish nighttime routines. Any soothing activity, performed consistently in the same order each night, can make up the routine. Try a warm bath, keeping your voice soft, and sing or tell a story while you are dressing the baby for bed. Your baby will associate these with sleeping, and they'll help him or her wind down. Place the baby in the crib before he or she falls asleep. You want your child to fall asleep independently, and a routine encourages babies to go back to sleep if they should wake up in the middle of the night.
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6 to 12 Months At 6 months, an infant naps about 3 hours a day and sleeps about 11 hours at night. At this age, you can begin to change your response when the child wakes and cries during the night. Give them about 5 minutes to settle down and go back to sleep. If they don't, you can go to the crib and comfort them, but don’t pick them up. Talk softly; rub their backs, then leave, unless they appear to be sick. Sick babies need to be picked up and comforted. If your baby doesn't seem sick and continues crying, wait a little longer than 5 minutes, then repeat the crib-side visit. No matter how tired you are, do not bring the baby to bed with you. Remember, you are trying to be a better parent, and part of parenting is teaching and limits. After a few days, your baby should find it easier to get back to sleep on his or her own. But if this behavior continues, talk to your doctor. Separation anxiety begins between 6 and 12 months, and may cause them to start waking up again. Be strong, and keep the rules the same. Don't pick up your baby, turn on the lights, sing, talk, play, or feed your child. Check to ensure they are not sick, change the diaper if needed. You can pat the baby lovingly, use a pacifier, or allow the thumb, to help the baby learn to calm and reassure himself. You can repeat the 5 minute visit pattern if needed. 1 to 3 Years From ages 1 to 3, most toddlers need 10 to 13 hours of sleep. Separation anxiety, the desire to with mom and dad, and the natural curiosity and desire not to “miss anything” can propel the child to stay awake. 2-3 years olds don’t need a mid day nap unless they get cranky or overly tired. Forced naps can interfere with bedtime. Pay attention to what time your toddler begins to show signs of sleepiness, and start the bedtime routine. Parents sometimes think that keeping a child up will make him or her sleepier. But truthfully, kids have a harder time sleeping if they're overtired. Establishing a bedtime routine helps kids relax and get ready for sleep. For a toddler, the routine can take 15 to 30 minutes and should
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include calm activities such as reading a story, bathing, and listening to soft music. Whatever the nightly ritual is, your toddler will probably insist that it be the same every night. It is part of toddler control, a normal development. Be firm, and don't allow routines to become too long or complicated. Try to allow your toddler to make some bedtime choices, like which pajamas to wear, or what stuffed animal to sleep with. Preschoolers 4-6 Preschoolers need to sleep about 10 to 12 hours per night. Naps are really not as necessary when the preschooler is well rested. Instead, a quiet time may be substituted. Most nursery schools and kindergartens have brief quiet periods when the children lie on mats or just rest. Children 4-6 may have nightmares or trouble falling asleep, but still keep the routine in place. And, at this age, it requires additional preparation. Stop watching television and have them color or play quietly with a toy for about 15 minutes before a warm bath. Once in bed, read them a story, and talk about their day. Make an activity box for bedtime, which includes some activities to pass time and relax. The activity box can include a book, a flashlight, (they can use if they awake during the night), a CD or cassette player with story tapes or soothing music. Using this, the child who has trouble falling asleep can sit in bed after story time, and continue activity until they fall asleep. School-Age Children and Preteens Kids ages 6 to 9 need about 10 hours of sleep a night. At this age, a child has a need for private time with the parents, separate from other siblings. This can be challenging, so be creative. Try to make some private time just before bedtime and use it to share confidences and have small discussions, which will also prepare your child for sleep. Children 10 to 12 need about 9 hours of sleep nightly. At this age, parents need to be flexible, but still enforce the bedtime routine. Continue the activity box concept, and set a cut-off time for cell phones and texting. Lack of sleep can cause irritable or hyper types of behavior and also make a condition like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) worse.
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Teens This is where it gets really tough. Adolescents need 8 to 9.5 hours of sleep per night. As they go through puberty, teens actually need more sleep. At this age, children’s schedules are packed with school and activities. They tend to be chronically sleep deprived. And sleep deprivation adds up over time; losing an hour per night is like a full night without sleep by the end of the week. Among other things, sleep deprivation can lead to decreased attentiveness, decreased short-term memory, inconsistent performance and delayed response time. This can cause bad tempers, problems in school, stimulant use, and driving accidents. In addition, the adolescent brain begins to shift the production and release of melatonin. In a young child or normal adult, melatonin begins releasing as daylight recedes. This signals the body it’s time to begin the sleep process. But melatonin levels take longer to rise in teenagers, regardless of exposure to light or quiet activities. Often, the teenagers try to “catch up” and sleep later on the weekends. This sleep schedule irregularity can actually aggravate the problems and make getting to sleep at a reasonable hour during the week even harder. Ideally, a teen should be encouraged to go to bed at the same time each night and wake the same time every morning, allowing for at least 8 to 9 hours of sleep. So, after you get all these kids to sleep, you’re too tired to sleep yourself, or you just need some alone time, and it’s really late. This is where the learning to be good parent stuff kicks in. Once you access the ages of your children, include the family in the winding down process. This process does not have to be elaborate. To wind down, here are a few suggestions. After dinner, turn the lights down throughout the house. Avoid overhead lighting whenever possible. It is too bright and stimulating. In the family room, use lamps, and keep a low light on in the kitchen and bathroom. Gather as a family and
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watch a movie or television show. Let the younger children color or play. You will all begin to relax. However, don’t start a kid’s movie who’s ending will conflict with bedtime. If you do, you may want to shoot yourself. Summary of the bedtime Routine Access the sleep needs of your children’s age, which may require staggered bedtimes Use the winding down time as family time, turn off overhead lights, watch TV, do puzzles, and talk with the children Stick to a bedtime, and have signals at the half hour and 10 minute mark Tuck your child into bed for a feeling of security, spend some time talking or reading Even if the kids are not sleepy, have them stay in bed with their activities. Encourage your older kid or teen to maintain a bedtime that allows for the full hours of sleep needed at this age. Most kids have the ability to sleep well. When being a good parent, establishing healthy sleep habits start early. 3. Understand that children are not little adults There was an article in Time magazine, May 10, 2004, Secrets of the Teen Brain. I would recommend that every parent read this, regardless of the age of your child. Besides being extremely comforting to the parents of adolescents, it has a lot of information on childhood brain development. This can help you to understand what is going on with your child. The brain develops from back to front. The Prefrontal Cortex, or the area of sober second thought, is in the front of the brain, and it is the last to mature. This maturity is reached somewhere around 20, but differs by a few years individually. Knowing this, a major role of a good parent is to set limits, or “second thoughts” for the child, because they are not capable of it. The cerebellum is located at the back of the brain. The cerebellum plays a role in physical coordination and regulates thought processes. The learning, which occurs in the cerebellum, is more sensitive to environment than to heredity, and supports the higher learning activities of mathematics, music and social skills. Importantly, the cerebellum is active at birth. Your
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child begins learning in the crib, and continues as this part of the brain continues to grow into the 20’s. In the middle portion of the brain are the Corpus Callosum, the Amygdala, and the Basal Ganglia. The Corpus Callosum houses the problem solving and creativity activities. This grows well through adolescence, when the nerves begin to thicken, and information processes more efficiently. The Amygdala is the emotional center of the brain, with feelings such as fear, and anger. The middle portions of the brain are activated by the learning center, or cerebellum, and continue to develop through adolescence. Because the Prefrontal Cortex is underdeveloped, children have less of an ability to rationalize, and tend to go with their emotions. The Basal Ganglia is larger in females than in males, and helps to prioritize information. It is tightly connected to the Prefrontal Cortex, and matures at approximately the same time. The Basal Ganglia is also important in motor skills and movements. It is thought to be important to expose children to music and sports while this is growing. So, we know now that children are not completely using their heads until they are in their 20s. Understanding the child’s brain developments can help parents cope with the frustration, and help them to realize they are not failing to make themselves clear. Be patience with yourself as a parent. Although choices are important, limit the kinds of choices the children get to make. They are growing into problem solving; their abilities are less advanced the younger they are. Children are not rational by nature. They tend to live in the moment, and don’t inherently understand consequences or danger. If it sounds fun, they are going to do it. When you ask them “Why did you do that?” and they reply, “I don’t know.” they mean it. To encourage the development of social and motor skills, get your children involved in group activities. If they express an interest in baseball, softball, dancing, or basketball, enroll them in a season of it. Explain that when they are enrolled, they will need to complete the season. They won’t understand, at first, but when they do poorly, continue to encourage them to finish the season. You will be teaching them commitment. If the child likes it, even if they don’t do it well, let them continue. Remember, kids are
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having fun. They work on emotion. If they don’t like the activity, try another one at the start of a new season. Because children like to have fun, and want to do what feels good at the time, they tend to overextend themselves. This is where being a good parent can get a little hard, because nobody wants their children to be angry with them. Use this opportunity to teach self-control and priorities. School, family time and getting enough sleep are an important part of healthy growth. If the child is old enough, involve them in making the decisions about which activities to continue, and which to let go. In addition to understanding the child’s developing brain, it helps to understand the parental role as the children go through several stages on their road to becoming adults. In general, there are four such stages of growth where children gain experience and need guidance, infancy (birth to age two), early childhood (ages 3 to 8 years), later childhood (ages 9 to 12) and adolescence (ages 13 to 18). Birth to Age 1-1/2 years Needs parents who are affectionate, consistent, predictable, and help foster trust and bonds with family and friends. Ages 1-1/2 to 3 years Gains experiences in caring for themselves, e.g., feeding themselves, toilet behaviors, dressing; Needs parents who give offer limited choices. Ages 3 to 5 years Gains experience in setting goals, carrying out projects, taking leadership; Needs parents who let children participate in family work activities, give projects that the children can complete to gain a sense of achievement, who correct and present logical consequences. Sibling rivalry is frequent and some children may feel guilty about contemplated aggressiveness. Ages 6 to 11 years Gains experiences in building, creating, and accomplishing to build a feeling of adequacy; Requires encouragement and deserved praise to achieve competence; Needs academic, physical, social, and work
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skills for healthy self esteem; Needs parents who are nurturing to help children discover and develop special talents and abilities. Ages 12 to 18 years Gains experiences in developing ego identity, including moral, social, and vocational identity; Needs parents who appreciate the adolescent as a unique and worthwhile individual, and who recognize the adolescent's learning style and are supportive of the child. Learning to be a good parent, and to make it easier on yourself physically and mentally, it can help to understand your child’s developmental stages, and what to expect.
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Cognitive Recognition of parents; no concept 0-6 of past or future; begins to reaches Months for familiar people or toys Begins to use memory; learns through routines and rewards; 6-12 recognizes name; says two to three months words; imitates familiar words.
Psychological Attachment to parents; totally dependent and trusting; learns intimacy. Separation from mother; developing a sense of self; learns to get needs met; trusts adults; stretches arms to be picked up; recognizes self in mirror. Experiments with environment; Early social development; understands the word “no”; comes egocentric; accepts limits; when called to; recognizes words as develops self-esteem (love symbols for objects (cat —meows); from family); plays by self. uses 10 to 20 words, including 12-18 names; combines two words; waves Months good-bye; makes familiar animal sound; gives a toy when asked; uses one syllable words to make wants known; points to his or her toes, eyes, and nose; brings objects from another room when asked. Cognitive thinking begins, but it’s Power struggles; learns system limited to experience; rapid language of meeting needs; seeks adult growth; copies adult chores in play; approval; social development carries on conversation with self and increases; points to things he or she wants; joins in play with dolls; asks “what’s that?” and “where’s my…?”; knows 300 words other children; shares toys; at 2, 900 words at 3; understand a takes turns with assistance; separation anxiety common 18-36 lot more than they can verbalize; Months gives first name; holds up fingers to tell age; combines nouns and verbs; refers to self as “me”; Egocentric: assumes you know what he/she knows; likes to hear same story repeated; Cannot use a doll to represent themselves, but can use other objects in play that represent
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Age
real life.
Can reason inside head; cannot sequence; understands some abstract concepts: colors, numbers, but not “how many”; can count tangible objects; knows shapes, understand concept of time, such as bedtime; understands family relations (baby/ parent); can tell a story; sentence length of 4 to 5 3-5 words; has a vocabulary of nearly Years 1000 words; knows last name, name of street, and several nursery rhymes; uses past tense correctly; understands basic concept of right and wrong; punishment centered; at 4 can grasp truth vs. lie, but may confuse a lie and a mistake.
Can cooperate; cannot separate fantasy from reality; has nightmares; models on same-sexed parent; experiences and copes with feelings (sad, jealous) but they are all or nothing, meaning a child can be angry at their parent one minute but once the parent apologizes feeling shift and all is good again; plays and interacts with other children; dramatic play is closer to reality, with attention paid to detail, time, and space; plays dress-up; Symbolic representation of self begins (can now use a doll or picture to represent themselves).
Age
Cognitive
Psychological
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Can think using symbols; can recognize differences; makes comparisons; can take another’s perspective; defines objects by their use; knows spatial relationships; 6-9 knows address; identifies coins; Years knows common opposites like “big/little”; asks questions for information; distinguishes left from right; able to separate fantasy from reality; improved sequencing of events. Can engage in inductive and deductive logic; neurons are present; understands hypothetical situations; 10-15 conflicts with parents increase. Years
Early close peer relationships; presence of well-developed defenses; develops identity outside family; has likes and dislikes; chooses own friends; plays simple table games; plays competitive games; engages in cooperative play with other children involving group decisions, role assignments, fair play. Egocentrism crumbles, suddenly question how others think of them.
Increased desire for independence; places importance on peer relationships; rebellious; often moody; romantic feelings; struggle with sense of identity; feels awkward about his or her body; worries about being normal; frequently changes relationships. Uses formal logic; debates and can Interest in relationships; solidifies switch sides; understands personal identity; becomes goal probabilities; more flexible in abstract directed; sometimes rebellious; 16-21 thinking; self-examination; conflict increased concern for others; Years with parents begins to decrease. increased concern for future; places more importance on his or her role in life. 5. Give Praise and Love Freely Remember, the learning center (cerebellum) of the brain is more sensitive to environment than hereditary. If your parents used negative methods to reinforce and teach, understand they did the best they could as parents. You are the parent now, and what you do counts. Practice patience. Most people are not born with this; it is a trait comes through trial and maturity. Children are developing, and the world is new to them. They will make mistakes, but they will also have joy and spontaneity. Children are eager to learn and master new tasks. Toddlers love to dress themselves, but this can have strange results. For young children, purchase clothing in the same color schemes, or in sets. Buy shoes that
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have Velcro straps instead of laces, or shoes that slip on. Low maintenance, loose fitting clothes are best for children under 5. Let the toddler choose clothing from a few sets you pick out. Let them put on their clothes, only help if they ask. If the clothes need to be rearranged, praise the child for being able to put on their clothes. Give them a hug, then do any adjustments when the hug it through. Let your children help with dinner preparations, housecleaning and dishes. They will only want to do this for about 8 years. After that, it will not be fun. But while it is fun, let them crack eggs in a bowl, stir cookie dough, or dump cups of flour. The attention span grows with the child; so young children will not dump flour or stir for very long. Use this time to talk with your children. Praise them for dusting, stirring or pouring well. Quality time with children comes in small moments. If your child is involved in sports, resist the urge to compete vicariously through your child. This can be very difficult, but it is important to the child’s self-esteem. While you may point out ways to improve, be sure to point out everything they did correctly also. Often, the kid inside the parent comes out, and we may find ourselves jealous when another child hits consistently, and our child strikes out. Refrain from making negative comments about favoritism in the team, or critizing the coach. This will undermine the child’s social adaptation and the need to belong. Because children are self-involved, they will see this as a failure in themselves because someone liked the other kid better. As a parent, you have enormous power over how the child sees him or her self in the eyes of the world. Read to and with your child. Interaction and love are equal to a child. Reading is an excellent way to connect and spend time together. Reading to a child makes it easier for him or her to develop speech. The verbal skills learned help the child to communicate. By looking at a picture in a book or a word and then hearing how it is pronounced out loud, children can learn new words along with their pronunciation. Reading stories together encourages the child to ask questions about things he or she is wondering about. This is a good way to develop involvement with your child, as we will discuss later. The conversations that arise from reading teach social skills, allow the child some private time with the parent, and acquaint them with circumstances beyond their family life.
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As the children grow, talk about the stories with them Ask them what they thought about a certain situation. This is a good tool for teaching action and consequence. Children are more prepared for school when they can pay attention and listen to what someone else is saying, and have more ability to participate in structured settings, like story reading and learn to focus and listen to one central person. Reading is a way to prepare a pre-schooler for the school environment. Children will become familiar with hearing stories and following sentences. This is helpful when they start to learn grammar and sentence structure. Hug and kiss your child often. Touch is a very strong sensation. Remember when you hurt yourself, and your mom or dad rubbed the spot? This worked, because the sensation of touch travels through the nerves to the brain faster than the sensation of pain. Touching enhances the bond between two people. As mentioned earlier, children feel more secure and protected when they are hugged and touched often. To a child, the feelings on the skin are perceived as care and reassurance. While a baby is still in the womb, cradles by the warm ambionic fluids, he or she receives their first sensory input. Touch continues to be the main method of learning about the world from infancy into childhood. Touch is critical for children's growth, development, and health, as well as for adults' physical and mental well-being. Children who are picked up, cuddled, cradled, rocked, petted, and stroked have been shown to gain and sustain weight, grow faster and start crawling, walking, and grabbing earlier. They are more alert and active, sleep more soundly, develop stronger immune systems and higher I.Q.s. Research has shown that touch may even be as important to a baby's physical, emotional, and cognitive development as eating and sleeping. Besides security and safety, hugging and kissing help build a child’s self-esteem. These actions say to the child “You are special”, “I love you” “You are good”. This will cement the bonding between child and parent, letting the child know he or she can depend on, and safely care for the parent. On this subject, when discipling your child, if you choose to softly spank your toddler or young child, pick an object, like a soft-wood spoon or
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paddle. This will ensure your children understand the difference between touching and discipline. There is a school of thought that discusses the hands of a parent are to be used to bless, or praise, the child. 6. Encourage independence. Independence training can start when the child is an infant. While establishing bedtimes and training the child to sleep, you are encouraging independence. Toddlers and young children are very self-centered; they see the world as them, their parents, and their siblings. This selfcenteredness is natural, they are growing, but the family is all they know. You can work with this as an asset to encourage the child to learn to be self reliant and less fearful. Developing the ability to do a task without assistance is an excellent training step. Because the parent is the center of the child’s world, it is natural that the child wants to do what the parent is doing. While this can be frustrating, think of it as a time to bond, and have some help doing things. At ages 2 to 5, children can dust, pick up their things and put them away, straighten a stack of magazines, and many small chores. The accomplishment gives them confidence, and confidence fosters independence. Even when you are very busy, don’t discourage the child’s desire to help. It is easier and more productive to give them a small portion of the task, such as sorting laundry. This can help them identify colors and learn organizational skills. And, because children do not have a long attention span, they feel good helping, then they are off to other things and you can proceed more quickly. As you involve the children in helping around the house, be sure to praise them for their accomplishments. This reinforces the security in being independent. Encouraging independence is important for children’s self-esteem and promotes their ability to meet new challenges with optimism. Adjusting your parenting style to use encouragement and respect will support your child’s independence and competence. When your child starts to sit up and move around by his or her self, encourage independence by letting your child play without you for short amounts of time. Babies don’t need your constant focus, and some babies
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can be overwhelmed by it. Let them entertain themselves while being near you. Extend the “without you” time as the child becomes more mobile and tolerant of it. By the time the child is toddling, he or she will be able to play alone for 15 to 30 minutes. Your pre-schooler needs to be encouraged to play alone when the parents are talking, are on the phone, or doing other things. Children who play on their own become more creative and independent, two very important skills. This is also an age when they want to help by pouring their milk, doing dishes, carrying food to the table, etc. As your child gets older, continue to look for ways to encourage independence. Exposing them to sports, music lessons or peer groups are situations where they can learn to rely on and handle things themselves. As you do this, consider your child’s temperament. Some children are more outgoing than others, so don’t push too hard if your child is shy. Still, continue to introduce activities that are at the edge of their comfort level to encourage them to expand their experience.
7. Pick Your Battles and Set Your Limits A friend once said she asked herself “In 100 years, will this affect the lives of innocent children?” You get the idea. It is more important to insist the adolescent obey the curfew than keep their room picked up. It’s healthier for the child to drink their milk, than to eat everything on the plate. Each child will have a set of battles for the parents to deal with. Remember you are the parent, you set the limits, but you are also encouraging independence and teaching the child lessons they will carry to adulthood. Thinking of it in those terms, parenting is a big responsibility, so choose what you will tolerate, and what you will not. When choosing the limits for your child, be sure to set reasonable goals. Children function differently at different ages. A young child can perform one task at a time; an older child can listen and remember two or three task instructions. This cognitive ability develops gradually, so try two, and see if the child can remember. For example, “Please pick up the toys in your room, and put your dirty clothes in the hamper”. If the child only puts the dirty clothes in the hamper, they are not ready for two at a time tasks.
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Limits are important, and can be hard to define. In establishing limits, decide the behavior and consequences upfront for the child. Although it’s not often easy to do, given the varying temperaments of each parent, decide together on a consequence and either parent can administer the consequence. In other words, present a united front. It is your greatest defense. Children are masters of manipulation. Remember, the area of sober thought develops last, cognitive thinking is developing (putting two and two together), children want to have fun, and, being self-oriented because of their immaturity, they want what they want. This does not imply that they are bad or disobedient. They are just quick to discover what will satisfy their needs at the moment, and just as quickly look for the opportunity to get the satisfaction. Picking your battles will help the child understand action and consequence. As a guideline, general limits and suggested consequences can apply to: How often the child can get out of bed, once tucked in. Unless the child is sick or frightened, it is best to be firm and make this action uncomfortable. Walk the child back to the bed, hug them, tuck them in and let them know this is not acceptable. This may have to be repeated for a while, but the child will learn. How many times the child is told before complying. Again, this should be once. If you ask the child to pick up his or her toys, and you are ignored, go to the child. Walk them to the place where their toys are, and stand there while they pick them up. Thank them and let them know they did a good job. Then remind them that it is important to the family that everyone does their share. How the child should treat other people’s belongings. This is actually a really important lesson. As a good parent, you want to bring you kids with you when you visit friends, or go to the store. And you want some measure of peace in your home. When possible, begin early training. If the child wants a drink of something you have, pour some of it in their cup. If they want a bite, break a piece off and hand it to them. This simple act establishes the “theirs and mine” concept.
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Don’t remove breakable items from shelves or tables. When the child takes them, tell them “No”, and place the item back. This instills a respect for the belongings of others. If you or an older child is doing paperwork, give the toddler a piece of paper and a crayon. Let them sit with you, and do their own “work”. How the parent will respond to tantrums. This is really tough on a parent. Tantrums usually occur it the child is overly tired, or bored. But tantrums are not acceptable ways to have needs met. Studies show there are two reactions for parents in this situation. The first is to spank or discipline the child. The parents’ role during this phase is to teach our children to make choices, to teach them to grow up as independent, highly functioning people. Dr Alan Greene, author of Raising Baby Greene, believes that “If you discipline a child for a temper tantrum in a store, you are teaching a powerful unconscious lesson: down the road, when he or she is in second adolescence, and is confused, hurting, scared, and doesn't know what choices to make -- don't talk to Mom or Dad, because they will not understand and it will hurt.” The second choice is to give the child what they want. But this can teach the child that if they fuss enough, they will get what they want. Neither lesson is a good one. Dr. James Dobson, in his book, Love Must be Tough advises parents to ignore the behavior. If you are in a store or other public place, finish as quickly as possible and leave the store. Place the child in the car, do not respond or try to placate the child in any way. If you are at home, walk the child to his room and shut the door. Toddlers and young children have tantrums to get what they want, whether it is a toy or simply attention. By not responding, the child learns that this manner of behavior gains them nothing. Tantrums occur most often when children are tired or bored. To limit this behavior, make sure the child is well rested when you take them to the store, and bring along a toy or story on CD to occupy them. For older children, let them pick your items from the shelf and put them in the cart. At the end of the shopping trip, you can reward them will a small toy or candy.
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You will decide when the child is old enough to leave the yard, walk to a friend’s house, or talk on the phone. Each limit will need to have a consequence, and will need to be consistently applied to each child. Older siblings will happily point out what you did to them when “they did that.” And adolescents who obeyed the limits will be extremely upset if a younger child gets to do what they had to wait until a certain age to do. Be old enough to be trusted with a responsibility or limit is important to a child, usually seen as a reward, and unfair application of rules and limits will foster resentment. Remember you are the parent, the most important influence in the young child’s life. What you do and what you teach will last the child’s lifetime. Don’t let adolescents discourage you. Teens want limits, even when they struggle or roll their eyes. When deciding on consequences for your children, discuss the discipline methods that you agree on. There is a divide between those who say corporal punishment is incorrect, and those who believe in tempered corporal punishment. There are two books that can help parents: Dare to Disciple by Dr. James Dobson, and Tough Love also by Dr. James Dobson. These books address the pros and cons of spanking, advise how to handle toddler tantrums and succeed during the rough teenage years.
8. Stay Involved with your kids There are many ways to start and stay involved in your child life. During early childhood, the parent is the center of the child’s world. Playing with the child, reading together, watching movies, and hugging are simple methods that meet the child’s emotional and sensory needs and involvement with the parents. . But as the children grow, and the family expands, parents can use creative techniques to stay involved, especially if the parents both work and are busy. For effective parenting in a busy life style, there are some ideas you can use to make the best use of your time. 1. Organize your time. Use a calendar or planner to write down doctor appointments, practice schedules, sports events, and other family activities. Learn to say “No” when schedules conflict. Make the
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schedule realistic, and include both parents. If you use a planner, you can begin with work hours, record homework time and bedtimes. You can purchase a large month-at-a-glance desk calendar, fill it out, and hang it on the refrigerator, so that it is easy to check and revise if needed. Arrange for one parent or a sitter to be home with the children when they are out of school. This person can supervise, and get the children started on their homework. 2. Do a few things at once. Do quiet household chores, such as laundry or preparing dinner, beside your children while they do their homework. This way you can do housework, and be there to answer any questions. If individual reading can’t be done at bedtime, have the kids get ready for bed, then gather in one room to read. Take turns holding each child on your lap as you read, and, if there some of the children can read, have them read part of the story out loud also. 3. Make daily routines a time for learning. As you take a family walk or trip to the park, talk about things with your children. This is a good setting to talk about strangers, and how they would handle a situation. Or you can simply ask them what they learned at school, and discuss it. 4. Find other people to help. Busy parents can't do everything. Talk to other parents on the sports team, and work out a car pool. Arrange for a babysitter once or twice a month so that you can have a parents night out. Talk to a friend and set play dates for the kids, taking turns on a Saturday so you can have some time to do housework or shop. 5. Make breakfast the big family meal. As the children grow and have more school functions or sports in the evenings, rearrange your day so the breakfast is the meal the family shares. This is a time when everyone is home, and can be less stressful, encouraging family talks. 6. Do things differently on the weekend. Some parents get up before the children and talk quietly over coffee. They use this as their time to reconnect. Make breakfast casual, cold cereal and toast, or buy some
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donuts. If your family’s weekday schedule is hectic, plan for some relaxation during the weekend. Let the kids help with housework, finish early and watch a movie or take a trip to the park. Some families plan visits to relatives or friends, where they can relax and enjoy themselves. If your child has sports on the weekends, make it a family event, pack a lunch, bring a wagon, and make it fun for all. Sometimes, parents feel so overwhelmed by everything they have to do that they can't seem to focus or get anything done. But take a step back and remember there are places and people you can go to for help. Sometimes, an additional pair of hands from a sister or other family member can make a big difference. At most local schools, there are parent education programs set up to assist the parent in developing skills more suited to their lifestyle. Other parents are a good source of information and friendship. The positive part is that as your children see you working hard and balancing schedules, they learn about responsibility and setting goals. 9. Making homework a priority Homework is an important consideration during the school age years. Set a scheduled time for homework. Children who attend school all day need to have some time to recharge before beginning homework. Let them have at least an hour of free play before beginning homework. When the child comes home from school, ask what homework needs to be done. Ask if there are any papers to sign. This will avoid the morning delays for field trip permissions. It’s best if grade school and middle school children do homework at the same time. Have them begin homework around 4 pm, and continue while dinner is being prepared. Have them sit in the kitchen, and turn off the television. This way, you can be available for questions and assistance while cooking or doing other chores. If your children have after school caregivers, instruct the caregiver to begin the homework process about an hour after the children arrive. Ask that the television and radio be turned off. Children have difficulty sitting, and they have sat all day at school. They will be easily distracted. Then, you can continue the homework process after you pick them up. Have them sit at the table while you are changing your clothes and preparing for the evening.
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Also, if the children are in sports or lessons, the practices for young children are usually scheduled after dinner. If the homework is complete, bedtime will not be disrupted. 10. You may need to adapt your parenting style for an individual child, and when the child gets older As parents, you need to understand that another way to build selfesteem, abilities and maturity is to let your children fail and learn from the mistakes, let them struggle, have some difficulties, make choices and in doing so, develop the skills necessary to overcome challenges in life. As the child passes from infant to toddler, parents need to adjust their thinking and put on their seatbelts. Newborns and babies, though they may fuss and require a lot of attention, are less of a challenge than a toddler. Though it may be difficult to think of disciplining your crawler, discipline and authority are essential to guide a child through the toddler stage. Young children and adolescents may require adjustments for the emerging temperament and identity of the child. As you practice your parenting skills, and become more experienced, you may want to reassess, or may find you have made some mistakes. Don’t worry, or overcompensate. Remember, children don’t come with a set of instructions, and, as parents, you are doing the best that you can. For the Individual Child Each child is individual, as we discussed earlier. Children grow at their own emotional rate, and come equipped with their own personality. You may have one child who learns quickly, and is more independent at 6, while the next child at the same age still needs to be held and helped. You may have a child that potty trained easily, and another who is still in diapers a 3 years. You can have one child who fears getting into trouble, so he or she needs less correction, and another who is mischievous and requires more supervision. Some children are willful by nature; it’s a part of their emotional and intellectual makeup. It is not something they learn, it is simply who they are. And willfulness may vary from child to child. Some children are very sensitive; their feelings are easily hurt. Other children are congenial and compliant, and go with the flow.
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Healthy parenting contains two essential ingredients: love and control. Too much love, too little control, brings disrespect and contempt. Too much control breeds resentment. As you get to know your children and set your limits, you will begin to see their temperaments emerge. When the children are toddlers, they will be controlling and somewhat strong willed. Toddlers are sometimes referred to as the “first adolescents”. They will test all the limits. The strong willed child will defy them. Once you understand your child's temperament, you will begin to understand which of your discipline techniques need to be adjusted. It helps also to examine your temperament and the child’s temperament. A mismatch can make discipline more difficult. Although you can’t change the child’s temperament, you, as the parent, will be able to make changes to your own, such as not taking the child’s differences personally. 1. For a congenial, compliant child, normal reminders, such as walking them back to bed, speaking firmly, or a toddler time out, is enough. The child is somewhat naturally secure and willing to please the parents. 2. For a sensitive child, discipline should be carried out in soothing tones, but still consistently applied. Sensitive children sometimes only require a displeased look to discourage their behavior. 3. For a strong-willed child, disciplines like walking them back to bed, sitting them in time-outs, and speaking firmly may have to be repeated more often. By their nature, strong willed children desire control, so keep your temper under control. When a parent loses temper, this is seen as victory in the eyes of a child. Remember, Mom and Dad are the boss, and are in charge. Once a child understands who is in charge, he can be held accountable for behaving in a respectful manner. After a conflict where the parent has shown the right to lead, particularly if there are tears, a child, usually between 2 and 7, will want to be loved and reassured. Hold them close and tell the child you love him or her. Rock them gently and remind them why they were punished, and remind them of how they can avoid it in the future. As the child gets older
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Older children are familiar with their parents’ discipline style, and they have learned that the parents mean what they say. As the child grows, he or she may need less hugging, but will still need encouragement and praise. And older children will have more privileges, and test new limits. Parents will need to make adjustments to how they interact with their child. An older child wants more verbal face time with their parents. To handle this, take the child with you to the store, or social event. Some parents take turns making “dates” with their older children. These times can consist of professional baseball or basketball games, age appropriate concerts, trips to the mall, or fishing. Older children begin to see themselves as more adult, and want to interact with their parents on this new adult level. Because they are becoming more skillful, they need their parents to allow them to develop the skills and have more independence. They will still look to their parents for compliments and assurance that they are performing the skills well. Older children at the same time are branching out of the family, and developing significant friendships with others. These peers can bring on new behaviors in the child that may call for more intense disciplines. Older children are interested in going out with their friends, spending the night, and having tech items like Ipods and Cell Phones. The developmental needs of the child can be the catalyst for reward and consequence training. If the older child achieves all A’s on the report card, the parent can reward this with a CD or other item. If the child oversteps the limits, this same item can be taken away for a period of time. As your child enters the teens, he or she will see the friends as more important than the parents or family. During the 13-21 stages, your child is seeking self-identity and becoming very self-aware. They are both frightened and excited at the prospects of being an adult. The important thing to do at this stage is to listen to your child, without judgments or corrections. The teenager will verbalize the possibilities for the future, not the absolutes. So, take a deep breath, listen and be supportive. This is a time when adolescents start to decide about their future line of work and think about starting their own families. One of the first things they must do is to start making their own decisions. As an example, teens can begin to decide what to buy with their own money or who will be their friend. To
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accomplish this, they put a little distance between themselves and their parents. Although you will continue to look out for them and enforce limits, as much as possible, let them learn from the results of their actions. During the teenage years, it is good experience for teens to be around other adults who are not their parents. These can be relatives, neighbors, or teachers who are positive role models. Your teenagers can learn from them about things like how to fix the car, get along with others, or ideas for future jobs. During the tense teenage years, the teen will listen to an adult they consider their friend more than the parents. This is normal to establish identity and independence. And, finally, don't worry if they want to spend time alone. Adolescents day dreaming about their future possibilities, planning the things they can do or buy when they grow up. 11. Explain your decisions, make them clear and appropriate Explaining to a child in the first 12 months of life will not bring a benefit or result. Children at this age desire your love and approval, and expect it. They are action oriented, and capable of learning from behaviors and routines. During the 12-36 month phase, children become increasingly more receptive to verbal commands, they begin to understand cause and effect, although they may not care. This is an egocentric age, but they will understand “No” and will accept limits that are enforced consistently. However, from the age of three and upward, children begin to develop a sense of right and wrong, understand punishment, and begin to question why things are done. Parents can begin to explain that bedtime is important because the child needs to sleep, so they won’t be crabby in the morning. Or, if they don’t eat their dinner, they will not have a snack or other food until breakfast. The child will become hungry, and understanding will develop. Begin to point out why things are dangerous or unacceptable without belittling the motivation to do things on their own. For example, using a sharp knife to help with dinner may seem like a good idea when your child has seen you do this, but explain to the child that using sharp knives can lead to cuts and pain. You may include a story about cutting yourself, and ask to show them how a knife should be handled.
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When the child challenges you on walking to a friend’s house or other activity that you don’t believe they are ready for, explain that you are concerned about the distance, and that children walking alone on the street are vulnerable to strangers. When they point out that other kids do this, simply agree, and reinforce that this is not what you as parents feel is okay for them. When you are talking about your decisions with your children, use language that is age appropriate. Consider using smaller works to express the thought, such as “this action can’t go on” instead of “this behavior cannot continue”. You can explain why you came to the decision, such as “I thought a lot about this, and I don’t want you to go outside the yard, because I don’t think it is safe”. When explaining your decisions, be a clear as possible, given the age of your child. Along with the decision, explain to them the consequences for not obeying the decision. “If you leave the yard, you will have to play inside for the rest of the day”. While these are examples for younger children, the explaining and limits should continue throughout the child’s life. While you are explaining, ask the child what they think of the decision. Accept the child’s opinion and discuss it. There is the chance the child is correct, and you may need to adjust your rules. The important thing is that through explaining and conversation, you are staying involved with your child, and they are involved with the family. Being a good parent is a journey. Just as your children will learn from you, you will learn from your children. There is a portion of your personality that will mature for the first time, you are leaving the role as your parents child, and becoming the parent yourself. Don’t be alarmed if sometimes your own feelings from childhood emerge. Accept these, deal with them, and learn from them. Remember, your child is not you. Your child is a brand new person, ready to learn about the world, about love and safety, about security and trust. And your child is ready to learn from you.
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