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									The Drink Tank Issue 77
       A Rare Unthemed Issue!
Our Fighting Women                           When a little girl is six-
A Semi-Fictional Bio Piece            foot by the day she steps into her
from Judith and Kathryn Morel         Junior High classroom, she gets
                                      teased a lot. When that girl grows
       The girl in the ring becomes   up in Los Angeles, she’s pretty
something more than the one in        much asured that she’s going to
the audience. I’m not sure how to     have to fight her way through. As
say it otherwise. Even if the most    long as she stays in school, she’ll
glamorous starlet is sitting ring-    have to keep fighting. Maria grad-
side, she’s not a stitch in history   uated, 3.2 GPA, 36-2 with a cou-
compared to the woman in the          ple dozen knockouts in PAL and
ring. That’s what Maria’s father      Golden Gloves, 100-0 with a few
told her as he made her throw five    score knockouts in brawls with
hundred punches into the heavy        those angry girls with the brown
bag every day after school.           lip-liner.
       Maria Alejandra Munceo                At six-three with mus-
fought two hundred and sixteen        cles that weren’t sculpted but
bouts before she stopped at the       fire-hardened, Maria wasn’t in
age of twenty-three. Six years        demand for the promoters who
later, she came back. Three years     controlled OnDemand and HBOx-
later, she showed up on a pay-per-    ing. Graduation meant a choice:
view and dropped hard to the can-     the warehouse video-taped fights
vas for the big payday made bigger    for good money that were noth-
by her co-operation. That was the     ing more than fetishist pre-flight
boxing career of Maria Munceo,        entertainment that usually ended
save for the other fight, the real    in photo spreads and sometimes
fight.                                going home with wealthy admir-
                                           amount which never comes close to the       in Texas. Every night she fought, no
                                           number promised. The girls who fought       matter what the ending of record was,
                                           Mia St. John and Christy Martin were        she was the star.
                                           put up in hotels, flown in to take the             Until she quit.
                                           beatings. Maria would drive all night              She had just fought her first
                                           to tiny arenas and then drive straight      fight in Juanez, a three hundred dollar
                                           home after the fight, not wanting to        pay-off and a long car ride back home.
                                           waste the money on the only cheap           In Arizona, on a road she knew from
                                           motels in one horse towns. The repre-       trips to fight Garcias in El Paso and
                                           sented girls, they fight at the Taj Mahal   Vegas in Nuevo Laredo. She pulled to
                                           in Atlantic City, the Olympic in LA, the    the side of the highway and stared into
                                           MGM in Vegas. Maria fought in Worley,       the rear-view.
                                           Idaho, the Women’s Boxing Capital of               What the hell am I doing? She
                                           America, in Primm, Nevada, in Hawai-        thought and she looked at the clock on
                                           ian Gardens, California.                    the glowing 3:43 am. There was still a
                                                  And all the while she kept win-
                                           ning, kept knocking out girls who were
                                           a foot shorter and far prettier. She ran
                                           an impressive record, seventy-plus
                                           wins, maybe four losses, and more
ers, or the no-money wonder that exist     knockouts than she could remember.
in legal and illegal boxing clubs with     The records on the club scene were
names like KO Towers and the Doube-        rare and often revised to give more
L. If you made it strong in one, you’d     weight to the girl who stepped in the
be rich, famous on the net and in the      ring with the local favorite.
magazines that cater to the audience              Maria was always the local fa-
that doesn’t care whether it's boxing or   vorite, no matter where she fought. In
wrestling or simply two nearly naked,      Idaho, the only place where women
and sometimes totally naked, women         box and receive as much admiration as
beating each other to bloody messes. If    the men for their talents She knocked
you’re a great club boxer, maybe they’ll   sixteen girls out in a row before she
see you, maybe they’ll call and say they   had one fight go to the cards. She still
want you in the show, on pay-per-view,     won and ten more after. She ruled Los
in the big arenas.                         Angeles’ small clubs, making young
       Maria chose the clubs.              Chicana boxers stare up at the lights.
       When you work for the big pro-      She lost once in Reno, once in Tahoe,
moters, the pay does not come in           a close call in Chula Vista and another
sealed envelopes containing a mystery
trace of blood on her cheek from Lean-                                                 and gave birth a month after her grad-
na Fuente’s nose. She had only taken                                                   uation. She named her Rosa Cassan-
maybe four punches of any force, but                                                   dra Falls. The name was a mistake, for
she was hurting, ribs felt cracked and                                                 Mr. Falls never made Maria his bride,
spine felt compacted. Everything hurt                                                  and barely stayed until the day Rosa
all at once, the weight of years of box-                                               learned to walk.
ing, of self-imposed limitations, of                                                          Maria Munceo started UCSB
fights against opponents who were no                                                   two years later, when she had saved
match for her. She hadn’t lost but a                                                   enough working as a personal trainer
handful of fights, but she felt like she                                               at an over-priced gym to pay for school.
had been destroyed. That night, she                                                    She got her degree in Recreational Sci-
stopped and slept at a motel. The next                                                 ence, a near 4.0 GPA and a daughter
morning she called Jaime Jullian and                                                   whose first words were ‘lift’ and ‘hold’
told him to cancel her three fights for                                                and ‘breathe’. Mother and daughter
the next month. Maria Munceo retired,                                                  were both fit as a fiddle when things
unnoticed.                                                                             changed again.
       The next week she took stock.                                                          Four years and six days after the
Seventeen thousand dollars in the                                                      birth of her daughter, an old voice over
bank and another six grand in cash                                                     the phone.
that she kept under the spare tire in                                                         “Is this the Munceo residence?”
her car. She lived in a five hundred                                                          “Yeah, this is Maria.” She said.
dollar a month apartment in West-            waitress at the 24-hour pancake house            “Maria, it’s Jaime. Jaime Julian.”
wood, surrounded by UCLA students.           where every drunken frat boy ended               She didn’t need the clarification,
Maria took a week that she thought           up drinking coffee after parties, wait-   but the two talked for almost an hour
perfect. Sleep ’til ten, then a long bath.   ing until they might be sober enough      about what Jaime had to do to find her
Lift until 1, then TV and lunch. Dinner      to drive. One of them, a boy of twenty,   number, who he had talked to along
at seven and then long run. Then home        bought her flowers.                       the way.
and bed earlier than she’d ever man-                “I’m Michael Falls.” he told her          “I got a fight for you.”
aged while training every afternoon.         as he gave them to her “I’m gonna take           Maria spent a few minutes ex-
       After that, it was business again.    you out when your shift’s over.”
She moved North, just outside of Santa              She smiled and nodded. He
Barbara, a little place surrounded by        came back at seven am. They walked
students again, paying four-fifty and        across town for the better breakfast at
living with three girls who went to          Hobee’s. Maria was touched that he
UCSB. She started community col-             had come for her, and by the end of
lege, got her AA with an emphasis on         the evening, she was his.
Physical Training. She worked as a                  She was pregnant that October,
plaining that she wouldn’t fight in       Stanek. Fight’s in six weeks.”               first time
those clubs anymmore, that she had              Maria smiled. Missy could take a       back in six
more to worry about than driving          punch like a man, but couldn’t throw         years, that
across the country to pick up a few       around any sort of defense.                  night when
hundred dollars when she could make             “Yeah, I’ll do it. I’ll drive up the   the drunk
that in an afternoon.                     night before.” Maria answered.               Mexicans got a
       “No, Maria, I don’t want you to          “Nope.” Jaime sounded insistant.       terrible opener
fight at the Club. Hell, I haven’t been   “You and the kid can drive up in two         where two
there for more than a year.” Jaime        weeks and stay at the Holiday Inn. I’ll      tiny African
said. “No, I want you to come and         have a room for you. We want you to          fighters with
fight for me at the Olympic next week-    train with Michael Brodeur and Mickie        names the an-
end. Thirty-six hundred for the win-      Chavez.”                                     nouncer could
ner, twelve hundred for the loser. The          Brodeur and Chavez? Maria              barely manage
girls an old Club Fighter named Missy     got the rest of the details, but those       to mangle threw maybe ten punches
                                                    names, they meant more             each and did no damage. Maria knew
                                                    than the money. The two            the kind of fight it was, just the one to
                                                    had six amazing fights             get them on a card and get a payday
                                                    against one another in the         without affecting the real record of
                                                    late 1970s, each one knock-        either man. In fact, both fought under
                                                    ing the other one out three        fake names: one really was Tanzanian,
                                                    times late in the fight, each      the other from Long Beach. The second
                                                    time setting them back to          fight was much better and the crowd
                                                    the beginning, but building        rode that through six rounds. They
                                                    to a rematch that drew the         were on third.
                                                    Mexicans to the fights at the              Maria took some hard body
                                                    Olympic. They started train-       shots, but came back with simple, and
                                                    ing guys in the late 1980s,        slower, combinations. That first round,
                                                    and when the LA fight scene        the first round back, that hurt her
                                                    started drying up, they took       more than the ten hours a day training
                                                    in the ladies. Maria had seen      under the rigid taskmasters. She was
                                                    some of the girls Chavez           burnt, started to sieze.
                                                    had trained; they were fierce              “Maria, harder. Hit the bitch
                                                    and knew their business. To        harder.” Mickie said.
                                                    them, fighting wasn’t a sport,             In the second round, Missy went
                                                    it was a way of making a liv-      toes up, floored cinematically hard
                                                    ing.                               from a right cross that she had no
                                                            That first fight, that     counter for.
       Five more fights that year and                                                derstand.
she was 6-0, with four knockouts. The                                                       “Watch out for her left and try to
next year she fought at the Olympic, at                                              take it to the late rounds?”
Mandalay Bay, at the Rosemont Hori-                                                         “No, you’re to drop in three, no
zon, at the Compaq Center. 14-0 with                                                 more. She doesn’t look convincing after
a draw and ten knockouts. She was                                                    three rounds.”
featured in Rings as the Next Challeng-                                                     Maria had never thrown a fight,
er to watch for. She made ten grand                                                  save for one or two to boyfriends when
a fight, twenty in the big arenas. He                                                she wanted action. He told her the
took her kid with her on the road until                                              fight paid seventy-five to the winner,
the day she started Kindergarden. She                                                ten to the loser, and one hundred if
paid for a nanny, full time. She had a                                               she took the dive.
record that most boxers only dream of.                                                      “She’s a model. She’s got looks,
       Jaime Julian, aged sixty-six,                                                 a spread in Playboy in three months, a
died four hours after Maria knocked                                                  pop star boyfriend. You, you’re a good
out Joyce Kubiak with a strong jab to                                                boxer, and if you’ve got anything else
her temple. He was driving home and                                                  to offer, then I’d like ot see it.”
had a heart attack behind the wheel.                                                        That fight, that was a rough
He went into the median and that end-                                                fight. She opened working the jab,
ed his life. Chavez and Brodeur took                                                 opening a cut over the left eye with just
over his bookings, but they had bigger                                               a bit of thumb. The second round she
names they wanted to work with and         work with trainers who knew that they     had her in trouble, but started pulling
Maria was left to working freelance.       were doing. Two different heavyweight     the punches and ‘walking’ into one or
       A phone call.                       champs passed through. She let one        two of her opponent’s. In the middle of
       “Miss Munceo, I wonder if you       spot her while the other took her to      round three, she she steppped into an
might come and visit us at Top Rope.”      dinner and more. She had money and        haymaker, snapped her own head back
An English voice asked.                    world class equipment.                    and crumbled. She would have been
       She went and saw them, toured              “Maria, can I talk to you.” The    out even if she hadn’t set herself up for
their facilities, met with fight doctors   English voice said while she was busy     it.
and others.                                pressing three hundred pounds of                 She only fought a few more times
       “We’ll put you on a fifty-thou-     plate.                                    after that. She won all those fights, all
sand dollar retainer and you’ll be on             “Yeah, sure” she answered. They    of them on the undercard of significant
pay-per-view starting next month.” He      went to the offices and she sat in the    bouts between good lightweights. She
said.                                      leather chair, he in the Herman-Miller    retired, aged thirty-two. Her daughter
       She signed that afternoon.          chair that would have cost her a full     was eight, but she already knew how
       The training center was per-        month’s rent.                             to pull the elbows in and to start the
fect, and other fighters came there for           “Your next fight, you know what    uppercut from the hips, not the shoul-
                                           to do, right?” He said, as if she’d un-
der. Maybe Rosa wouldn’t take the dive       Scary and a Bit Sad: Scientologists
where she did. Maybe she’d be that girl      I’ve Known and Loved
with endorsements and a photo spread                I’ve been friends with very rich
that meant she wouldn’t have to step         people for many years now, and yet, of
into a punch that she wouldn’t have          my friends, there are no Scientologists.
let hit in a hundred years. Maria never      On the other hand, people that I’ve
forgave herself, but she also used that      respected and even some that I’ve met
money to make sure her daughter had          and had conversations with are, but I
the choice to fight or not.                  never figured it out until I was surfing
       Now, Maria trains boxers, makes       the net recently.
them learn the skills and tells them                The first one is actually debated.
‘if you’re going to fight, fight right. If   Frank Kelly Freas is listed several plac-
you’re going to take the money, at least     es as having been a Scientologist, and
make it look good.’                          he certainly had some connection to
       And her girls always have, no         Scientology and specifically to Illustra-
matter which way they choose.                tors of the Future, but his wife says he
                                             was never a member. I don’t think he
                                             was, but there’s a lot of talk about him
                                             being in with some of those people.
                                                    There are those that we all know
                                             are Scientologists, like John Travolta
                                             (I met him in 1980), Tom Cruise (saw        who won a contest to meet her (along
                                             him in Hollywood circa 1990), Isaac         with about a hundred other kids). She
                                             Hayes (shook his hand in 1996) and          did a horror film about killer fish and I
                                             Chick Corea (met him in St. Louis Air-      was at the opening and ended up talk-
                                             port in the mid-1990s), but there are       ing to her for almost an hour (and was
                                             a few shockers that I love, like Beck       constantly staring at her chest). I then
                                             (whose family were all Scientologists)      met her again at a film festival in 2001.
                                             and Doug E. Fresh. I’ve heard Beck          She was really nice, and still beautiful.
                                             called a Scientologist in name only,        We laughed about the film that showed
                                             and that Doug E. Fresh is only partial-     with hers which was terrible and she
                                             ly active.                                  really got into the mockery.
                                                    The biggest shock when I found              Jenna Elfman and her husband,
                                             out was Soleil Moon-Frye. She’s a ma-       Bodhi, are both members. I met her
                                             jor babe and our paths crossed sev-         when they were shooting exteriors
                                             eral times. The first was when she was      for Dharma & Greg. Pretty lady, and
                                             still Punky Brewster and I was a kid        funny too. It’s a shame she got caught
                                                                                         up in Scientology!
                                            Emailed Words of Comment                   Cheers,
                                            from my Loyal readers                      Bob
                                                                                       I’ll make sure that I add your
                                            sent to         film to the long list of lost films!
                                            First off, making his Drink Tank
                                                                                       You know, this may have been
                                            debut is Robert Hole on Issue 76!!!
                                                                                       the longest I’ve gone without
                                                   I’m loving it. Just finished and
                                                                                       mentioning lost films. I think you
                                            must say it’s my favorite Drink Tank
                                                                                       for the ability to mention it here!
                                            that I’ve read so far.
                                            I really enjoyed it, especially
                                                                                       And now, with what he calls
                                            getting Neil and Frank’s articles.
                                                                                       HalfALoC is Eric Mayer!
                                            I’m a big fan of writing about film,
                                            which is why I was going to be
                                                                                               Just a note to let you know I’m
                                            a Film Historian (though the job
                                                                                       still around and to chide you for that
                                            requirements are much stiffer than
                                                                                       remark on your Drink Tank cover. No.
                                            I could have imagined.
                                                                                       I didn’t think you’d be burned out by
                                                   Frank’s tale of his movie making
My Date                                                                                now. I thought you’d be burned out six
                                            enterprise not only brings me up to
                                                                                       months ago.
                                            date on what he’s doing, but brings
       I’ve been writing too much.                                                     As I mentioned in my Vegas
                                            back fond memories of my one little
That’s probably strange to hear com-                                                   article, I’m a big guy, but I’ve got
                                            film for a photography class in about
ing from me, but it’s true. I haven’t had                                              remarkable stamina!
                                            sixth grade. We were told to make
time for much other than writing and                                                           I almost left a comment on
                                            a one reel (super 8 - yes, that was
watching Evelyn. But now...well, now                                                   Charles Stross’ blog, by the way. I
                                            cutting edge) silent and we ended up
I’ve got a date.                                                                       don’t read sf but I was interested
                                            with a two reel (super 8) complete
       It’s set up for next week. It’s                                                 in his thoughts on second-person
                                            with sound (via a tape recorder, which
dinner and perhaps a movie, nothing                                                    narrative because that’s the default
                                            only synched up ONCE - during the
overly fancy, but she’s a nice girl (with                                              for computer text adventures. Hell, I
                                            premier in class!). It was a silly story
the Fake Red Hair like you see above).                                                 thought I’d mention it. But I figured
                                            combinging elements from “Sleeper”
I’m not entirely sure I remember how                                                   probably someone already had so I
                                            and “Genesis II” (the Roddenberry
to go on a first date, but I’m willing to                                              began reading the comments and,
                                            show). It even featured a futuristic
learn.                                                                                 holy shit! Where is this Garcia not? I
                                            version of BART that literally had just
       Any advice that my Loyal Read-                                                  thought you were in Vegas. Or writing
                                            opened. It’s long gone now - I haven’t
ers. Here’s what I do remember: the                                                    about wrestling, or doing a fanzine, or
                                            been able to find it in several years.
only way to put your arm around a girl                                                 staying at some hotel. Oh, and I see
                                            Good memories and I always meant to
is to fake a yawn and stretch.                                                         you posted to the journal
                                            do another one. Maybe I will. Hmm. I
       That is all.                                                                    too. SaBean’s in Boston huh? Well,
                                            have this idea....
that’s great orienteering country, you     talking about something accomplished
know. Actually there’s a big club in       by skill? Strat-O-Matic put clutch
San Francisco too.                         hitting in their game so it must be
SaBean’s got a GPS (long story on          so. What I don’t get are the fielding
why, I’ll try and get her to write it).    stats that show guys like Derek Jeter
I never read Charlie’s blog, but it        to be awful fielders. I mean coaches
was mentioned in Cheryl Morgan’s           and managers and scouts do nothing
Blog on EmCit and I figured I pay a        but watch baseball. They see a tens of
visit. I met Stross at Con Jose and        thousands of balls hit to thousands of
he was a nice guy. I had NO IDEA           shortstops, hard, soft, here, there and
who this scruffy-looking guy was,          see what the fielders do with them. I
but we talked about the museum             don’t see how all those eyes can lie so
and I tried to get him to come out         badly.
for a visit.                               JT Snow is the perfect clutch
       I loved Judith’s last ghost story   example. His RiSP is .145 higher
about the landlady. Did I already say      than his batting average over his
that? She is really good. Looks beyond     career. That’s significant. Humans
the obvious.                               react to stress differently, so clutch
Judith is the smartest woman I             hitting is measurable by testing
know. That’s not to say that the           response times while applying
other lasses I hang with aren’t            varying degrees of stress. The            Another Boob Article
smart, but Judith just rules. She’s        military used to test this (we’ve got     by
had the good sense to not take             some of those notes at the museum         M Lloyd
me up on dating offers when I              because it was a part of the SAGE
was single and to take me up on            programme).                                     OK, I’m pregnant. That’s been
advances when I wasn’t available           Hope you get back to e-APA.               the theme of the last few months, me
for dating. I’ve just written an issue     It’s looking like July will see my        being pregnant. I mentioned in the only
on just that for Claims Department.        return!                                   issue of The Drink Tank worth reading,
       Bill James is a genius. Do you      --                                        I’m horny as hell, but I’ve forgotten
read Hardball Times on the web? I just     Eric                                      to say that I’m also bustier than ever.
found that and it’s full of Jamesean-      Blog:         So much so that it’s not easy to get
type material. Clutch hitting, though,                                               around anymore. My breasts are now
is a puzzle. Do batters ever have                                                    about twice as large as they were when
enough clutch opportunities to tell if                                               things started. It’s a terrible feeling to
their performance rises above pure                                                   be trapped under your own tits, but it’s
chance? Does all that statistical stuff                                              also a little bit erotic.
about chance really apply when you’re                                                      I’m due in a month called July.
It’s not supposed to be this bad yet,             My problem was                                   Here’s a fact: Mike
but truly, I’m pinned to the bed half-     I’m not great in Finnish                                Swan is a Freak!
the-time. I’m flying to the States June    yet. I’m not bad, I’ve got                              by
17th and staying until at least August     a hold on conversational                                Mike Swan
first. The Finns are good people, they’e   Finnish, but with                                              Chris Garcia
very nicely said that I can go and come    regards to striking up                                  once said that a pair of
back. (If you’re willing to pay for it,    a conversation with a                                   boobs is the most deadly
there’s no better health care in the       beautiful dark-haired-                                  weapon a woman can
world than the US. The Finns are good      and-stacked Finn Chick,                                 have. This is almost
with the Universal insurance, but the      I wasn’t sure I was there                               without question. Look
medical care is only so-so).               yet. Luckily, she got to                                at M. She’s huge in the
        Last week, I managed to sling my   me first.                                               chestal region and she’s
boobs into the titanium bra I’ve been             “You’re pegnant?”                                never had issues with
wearing and made it to Simo’s church,      she said, the Finnish                                   finding a partner, even if
built in the 1840s. While I was taking     accent sometimes                                        it’s only for a very short
the shots, I discovered a lovely young     making things sound                                     period of time. SaBean’s
thing with a chest that was in line with   cuter than they actually                                not a surfboard, but she’s
the one I’ve been dragging around. She     are?                                                    not to the level of M, but
was a beautiful girl and with a shape             “Yes, but you’re                                 she’s got spunk and she’s
that I could find little fault with. I     just about the same as me!” I said.      not without her charms.
approached her and tried to strike up a           We talked for a while, even              M is always writing about them,
conversation.                              compared bra stories, mostly in          mostly because she’s got a great set
                                           English unless she didn’t know the       and wants to point that out. With the
                                           word for something. Despite the fact     relationship that her and Jay have
                                           that she’s probably an L-Cup, she’s      (which isn’t open but it’s certainly not
                                           already had a reduction surgery,         closed) she can always use the help in
                                           and it was a disaster (again, Finnish    attracting the ladies/gentlemen.
                                           Medicine is years behind expensive              I’m 100% certain that Chris
                                           US doctoring) and she said that no       publishes them because he has all his
                                           back pain is as bad as a month on the    spank-bank drawings and is looking
                                           fucking couch, her words, due to the     for articles to put them with. M is
                                           operation. We exchanged numbers and      certainly happy to put them out (along
                                           have hung out a few times with the two   with other things) and it lets the great
                                           of us and my Simo friends. We even       drawings we see every week come out
                                           had a seven person party in my bed on    and play. Gotta thank both of them for
                                           a day I couldn’t walk. That’s my idea    the service!
                                           of a good time nowadays...partying
                                           without having to support my weight!
 The Continuing Tale of Frank Wu and the Quest to Bring The World Guidolon
    This Week’s Episode: Is it possible to make a movie and NOT go insane?
     Is it possible to make a movie                                                      cost me my day job? Am I insulting
and NOT go insane?                                                                       or misusing my animators and artists
                                                                                         without meaning to? Am I good boss?
Current mood: 30% insane.                                                                I’ve never run any project a tenth this
        My animated project “Guidolon                                                    big. I was thinking today that the
the Giant Space Chicken and Friends                                                      images in the animation look slightly
Half-Power Half-Hour” (for those who                                                     distorted - the people look a little wide,
didn’t read the last issue of The Drink                                                  maybe 1 or 2 or 3 percent too wide.
Tank) is about a giant space chicken
making a giant space chicken movie.                                                      Is this just my imagination?
But he has delusions of grandeur - he                                                    Or is it real?
thinks he’s a Shakespearean tragic           would notice).
hero, but really he’s just a giant space            Is this a good idea or bad?          Am I going to go insane? Or... am I
chicken.                                     There’s a fine line between funny and       already insane?
        Am I Guidolon?                       stupid. I can’t tell where it is anymore.
        As he makes his movie, Guidolon      How far into a quagmire of debt am I              When I was originally writing the
slowly goes crazy, throwing hissy fits,      willing to go to finance this movie? Will   Guidolon story - which was published
firing his crewmembers for no good           spending so much time on Guidolon           as a screenplay in the Ditmar-winning
reason, driving the love of his life away,
literally destroying the film in order to
save it, chaotically inserting random
elements “just to get it done.”
        Is that what I’m doing? In
addition to not sleeping and giving in
to the fear that this is all pointless and
stupid? I was rushing through working
on a side-view of Octuron (the giant
space octopus) and I realized that I had
no idea what he looked like from that
angle. I decided at the last moment
that his head should be shaped like
Henry Kissinger’s nose (like anyone
                                                  saw the Light,” and that’s it.      and shoot people...
                                                  Then there’s “American Movie,”             “Burden of Dreams” is similar
                                                  which I would not recommend         to “Hearts of Darkness”, though less
                                                  to creative people with             well-known. They are all thematically
                                                  insecurity problems. Nor would      tied to the Joseph Conrad novel, “Heart
                                                  I recommend to the weak-willed      of Darkness,” as is Herzog’s “Aguirre,
                                                  the various Woody Allen movies      Wrath of God.” Herzog’s “Fitzcarraldo”
                                                  about Woody Allen making            is about the attempt to bring opera
                                                  Woody Allen movies.                 (read: “civilization” or “white man’s
                                                                                      burden”) to the Amazon basin (read:
                                                          Then there’s the            Belgian Congo). In order to build an
                                                   documentary, “Burden               opera house, they need a riverboat
                                                   of Dreams,” about the              to run supplies back and forth. The
                                                   Werner Herzog slowly going         problem is that only part of the river
                                                   insane in the jungle making        is navigable - and in order to get the
                                                   “Fitzcarraldo.” And my personal    ship there, they need to enlist masses
anthology “Daikaiju! Giant Monster          favorite, “Hearts of Darkness,”
Tales,” edited by Robert Hood and                                                     of people (read: too many of us) to pull
                                            about Francis Ford Coppola slowly         the massive ship from one nearby river
Robin Pen - I drew inspiration from         going insane in the jungle making
watching, alternately, monster movies                                                 up and over a massive hill to the other
                                            “Apocalypse Now.” “Hearts” contains       river.
and movies about making movies.             the quintessential Coppola quotation
There are a lot more of the latter than I   about going insane making a movie:               Both the film and the making-of
thought. A true classic is Fellini’s “8     “There were too many of us, we had        film center around this Herculean task.
1/2.”                                       access to too much equipment, too         And bit by bit, Herzog slowly goes
       People ask me where the name         much money, and little by little we       insane. The ship keeps sinking into
“Guidolon” comes from. Here’s your          went insane.” Coppola goes from highs     the mud instead of gliding against
answer. “Lon” is the standard name          to lows with incredible speed, (quoted    gravity up the hill like it’s supposed
suffix meaning “giant monster” (like        as) exulting in one breath that this      to. (Though I don’t know why they
Megalon) and Guido is the troubled          would be the first film to win a Nobel    didn’t think of just mixing in raw
Italian movie director standing in          Prize, and then collapsing in fear that   concrete mix directly into the mud to
for Fellini. “And God Spoke...” is a        the film will never get finished. The     harden it.) Ropes keep breaking, the
relatively obscure making-of movie,         lead actor, Martin Sheen, has a heart     ship is just too heavy. And then a
but I have a copy because a friend          attack.                                   small crew actually dies while making
of mine, Gary Rubenstein, from high         Marlon Brando is woefully out of          the movie, when a helicopter crashes.
school, has one line in it. He plays a      shape. Typhoons destroy the sets. They    That guilt had to weigh heavily
guy trying out for the role of a narrator   borrow military helicopters from          on Herzog, as did perhaps the
in a Bible epic, and he says, “And God      dictator Ferdinand Marcos, but then       responsibility for Sheen’s heart attack.
                                            Marcos wants them back to actually go            Do they cut their losses or do
                                                                                    NEEDED to go into the mosquito- and
                                                                                    leech-infested jungle. I didn’t need to
                                                                                    make Guidolon. Or do I? Is it a more
                                                                                    frightful nightmare to make a movie,
                                                                                    or to NOT make a movie? To the
                                                                                    creative person, which is worse?

                                                                                    On the Subject of Herzog...
                                                                                           I seriously hope that Frank
                                                                                    isn’t turning into Werner Herzog,
                                                                                    because that would make me Klaus
                                                                                    Kinski and that’s not a good posi-
                                                                                    tion to be in.
                                                                                           On the set of Aguirre, Wrath
                                                                                    of God, Kinsky was in rough shape
they finish the project to honor the      crash while making my movie... or die
                                                                                    and wasn’t giving Herzog the per-
dead and                                  of cancer like much of the cast of the
                                                                                    formance he was expecting. The two
injured?                                  John Wayne epic “The Conqueror,”
                                                                                    squabbled and the story goes that
       The worse part is the constant     filmed thoughtfully close to nuclear
                                                                                    Herzog forced Kinski to perform at
nagging question: Should I throw in       testing grounds. Hopefully the
                                                                                    the barrel of a gun he kept behind
the towel? Other people have time to      scientists are right and my animators
                                                                                    the camera, which explains Kinski’s
lounge around watching “Veronica          aren’t all being blasted by killer
                                                                                    terror-filled gaze in several shots.
Mars” and floating in swimming pools.     radiation from staring at computer
                                                                                           Now, I don’t think Frank owns
I don’t - gotta go make an animatable     screens.
                                                                                    any firearms (and the Herzog story
puppet, gotta go fix the backgrounds             The novel “Heart of Darkness”
                                                                                    may not quite be true), but still, if
so they work, gotta go cut the audio      visits and re-visits this idea of a
                                                                                    I hear him slipping into a German
track together, gotta go arrange          “Choice of Nightmares.” Indeed, we all
                                                                                    accent, I’m leaving the recording
publicity materials, gotta go...          have a choice. Herzog and Coppola
                                                                                    station. I love being Guidolon, but a
       Hopefully, though, no one will     didn’t need to make their movies.
                                                                                    crazed director is too dangerous!
have a heart attack or die in a chopper   None of these crazy white people really
    I   got         Punk’d                  and            I   got          My                  Revenge!

                                           group’s recent Femme Non-Official-          tards!
       I’m a member of a group at work
                                           Leader Alana in Dominos two series to              Now, I swear Vendetta on them
called the Committee for Parties and
                                           one) and after that, I checked my mail.     all and have made my first strike. I
Unity (CPU, in a delicous pun). We’re
                                           I went looking for Alana and discov-        chose Alana (because she’s a delightful
the young folks of the museum and we
                                           ered that she wasn’t around. Neither        girl and the two of us have a friendly
get together and set up parties, have
                                           was Mira (Alana’s sidekick), Vinh (The      rivalry) and I decided to wrap many
events and play dominos. We’re a fun
                                           IT rep and a nice guy who we gently         of the items in her cube in newspaper
bunch and we’ve really made the office
                                           mock), Tom (who’s real name is Tanh)        and some wrapping paper. I was think-
a lot more entertaining. We’re also all
                                           and Christa (who is not CPU, but is an      ing of filling it with beachballs, but this
smart-asses and all have a streak of
                                           Intern). I discovered them as I went to     was a much funner idea. I recorded the
wild fun.
                                           my car. They were having a good time        locations of the objects, then wrapped
       Every Friday, we go out to lunch.
                                           outside, which made me worry a bit,         them in paper, including a glass Alana
We actually have lunch together pretty
                                           but after playin’ around for a bit, I was   had left half-full of water. I only did
much every day, but Fridays are our
                                           calmed. I got in my car and confetti        one section (her computer, the key-
big day. This week, we went to Chevy’s
                                           spews out at me from my Air-Condi-          board, the mouse, her paperclip car-
and had a lovely time. We got back
                                           tioning vents. They had filled it. Bas-     riers, her stapler, her tape dispenser
and had our CPU meeting (I beat the
(after I used her tape to tape the things    myself rules: Nothing in the drawers
together in a bit of irony), her in-boxes,   (though I did completely cover one of
one of her pen holders (with each pen        her rolling filing cabinets) and nothing
and scissors individually-wrapped),          person except for a single photo that
and of course her chairs.                    she has on her desk. I didn’t want to
       She has three chairs and I put        hurt anything, I just wanted to annoy
several layers on each of them and           her with a bit of Tomfoolery.
one, the main one she sits in, has at              I’m writing this on Saturday,
least five layers of newspaper, a piece      about an hour after I finished. I am
of Happy Birthday wrapping paper and         win, and now I have four more devilish
a bow on top I wrapped everything I          schemes to deploy. Any ideas? Lemme
could (I ran out of paper) and I gave        know and I’ll do them!

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