Relationship Maintenance

Relationship Maintenance: Maintaining a Healthy Alliance Linda Albert, LCSW, CSAC Wisconsin Lawyers Assistance Program Coordinator Tonight’s Goals     Define the qualities of a healthy relationshipwhat’s emotional IQ got to do with it? Examine the effects of outside pressures on a relationship Understand the warning signs that something may be amiss Suggestions for keeping it healthy Define “Partnership”  1. the state or condition of being a partner; participation; association; joint interest. 2. Law. a. the relation subsisting between partners. b. the contract creating this relation. c. an association of persons joined as partners in business.  Define “Relationship”  1. a connection, association, or involvement 2. connection between persons by blood or marriage 3. an emotional or other connection between people 4. a sexual involvement; affair    Define “Marriage”   1. the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. 2. a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife, with or without legal sanction. First Question  How do we define what we have? Do we agree on how we define what we have? Sexual involvement, emotional involvement, marriage, all or none of the above definitions? Partnership? Relationship? Marriage? What do they have in common?    Alliance  All are synonyms of the word Alliance  An alliance may apply to any connection entered into for mutual benefit. Healthy Alliance Healthy Relationship  List the qualities of a Healthy Relationship  What gets in the way of maintaining a healthy relationship? Qualities of a Healthy Alliance  Communication Expectations Boundaries   Communication What signifies productive communication? What contributes to problems? How do our emotions help or hinder our ability to communicate effectively? Expectations and Boundaries Healthy Communication Two-Way Street  The ability to express your needs, wants, wishes and emotions-positive and negative Active Listening so you can understand your partners needs, wants wishes and emotionspositive and negative  Active Listening Listening and responding in a way that makes it clear you are focusing your attention on the speaker. Techniques     Show them you’re interested How do they look? What are they saying? Don’t get distracted! What Gets in the Way?   Daydreaming Thinking what you’re going to say   Thinking about other issues Judging Barriers to Listening     Measuring Thinking of advice Personal distractions Time and money distractors Active Listening – 4 Steps 1. Identify the feelings being expressed Assess the intensity of the feelings 2. Active Listening – 4 Steps 3. Select an appropriate feeling word for response • Accurately expresses speaker’s feelings • • emotion Intensity Active Listening – 4 Steps 4. o o o Phrase the feedback message “So it sounds like. . .” “I can understand why. . .” “What I’m hearing you say is. . .” Don’t underestimate the power of silence and body language Another Model - HEAR H: Hear the speaker’s words E: Empathize A: Analyze R: Respond HEAR H: Hear the speaker’s words   Listen for words AND feelings Keep an open mind   Don’t do all the talking Don’t let an emotional response hijack the conversation Do not interrupt  HEAR E: Empathize  Show you’re interested in what they think Listen for facts, ideas and feelings Listen for thoughts behind the words Paraphrase to check whether you understood what they said    HEAR A: Analyze  What did they say?  What did they mean? HEAR R: Respond  Show you’re paying attention  Feedback Message  Perception Check  Avoid premature advice.  Are you sure they understood you?  Let’s try it Listening as an Effective way to Facilitate Communication  Tendency to want to “do” (something to “solve” the problem) Often enough, the best ingredient is listening  Listening Components  Doing Eye contact  Non-verbal encouragements   Saying Verbal encouragements (“right”, “uh-huh”, “yes”, “I see”)  Tone of voice can be everything  Listening Components  Observing  React to feelings (“You seem very sad”, “I can tell this really bothers you”)  Identify verbal/nonverbal behavior  (“So, what I think you’re saying is you feel…”) Effective Listening Requires:  Not drifting to your own thoughts Not thinking about what you’re going to say next Focusing on the other Not interrupting - waiting for a natural pause    Connected Effective Listening Requires:  Sometimes sitting in silence rather than filling it  Not completing someone’s thoughts Withholding judgment  Empathic Listening      “There’s listening and there’s listening in” Empathy requires stepping outside of yourself… and stepping inside/the views of your partner without judging, and conveying that you can understand what they are going through The Use of Silence  There can be great power in not speaking. Sometimes it is better to sit still;  Sometimes there is an “integration” silence  Sometimes experiencing the feeling is more important than making it go away  Reflecting Statements It Sounds like…  When I listen to you I notice that…  You seem to be saying ______, is that right?  You sound very mad (sad, happy), are you?   I just want to mention that even though you said you’re not worried about it, you look worried (foot shaking, hand tremor, fidgeting etc.) Listening Styles Profile There is no “best” listener profile. In times of stress, we rely on our strongest listening preference. Listening Styles Profile Our listening preferences are influenced by our relationships with others. Listening Styles Profile If you have two or more strong preferences, you may confuse others. People Oriented  Positive Characteristics       Care and concern for others Nonjudgmental Provide clear verbal and non-verbal feedback Identify emotional states of others Interested in building relationships Notice others’ moods quickly People Oriented  Negative Characteristics       Over-involved with others’ feelings. Avoid seeing faults in others. Internalize others’ emotional states. Can be intrusive with others. Overly expressive when giving feedback. Can be non-discriminating when building relationships. Action Oriented  Positive Characteristics       Get to the point quickly. Give clear feedback about expectations. Concentrate on understanding the task at hand. Help others focus on what’s important. Encourage others to be organized and concise. Identify inconsistencies in messages. Action Oriented  Negative Characteristics        Tend to be impatient with rambling speakers. Jump ahead quickly and reach conclusions quickly. Jump ahead or finish thoughts of speakers. Get distracted easily by unorganized speakers. Ask blunt questions. Appear overly critical Minimize relational issues and concerns. Content Oriented  Positive Characteristics      Value technical information. Test for clarity and understanding. Encourage others to provide support for their ideas. Welcome complex and challenging information. Look at all sides of an issue. Content Oriented  Negative Characteristics      Overly detail oriented. May intimidate others by asking pointed questions. Minimize the value of non-technical information. Discount information from nonexperts. Take a long time to make decisions. Time Oriented  Positive Characteristics      Manages and save time Let others know listening-time requirements Set time guidelines for meetings and conversations Discourage wordy speakers Give cues to others when time is being wasted Time Oriented  Negative Characteristics      Tend to be impatient with time wasters. Interrupt others. Let time affect their ability to concentrate. Rush speakers by frequently looking at watches/clocks. Limit creativity in others by imposing time pressure. Using the “I” Statements    Takes ownership of the issue Ask for what you want or need Non accusatory   Less triggering Friendly control Using the “I” Statements I feel _________________ when you __________________________ because ______________________ and I would like ____________________________________. Using the “I” Statements  “I feel upset when you don’t return my phone calls because it makes me feel like I’m not important. Next time please call me back the same day.” Versus “you never call me back, you don’t care about me!!!”  Let’s Try It: I feel When you Because And I would like Effects of Outside Pressures on a Relationship        Differences in backgrounds Time together & time apart School/jobs Partner’s family Friends Children Life events Effects of Internal Pressures on a Relationship        Set point for health and happiness Developmental issues, needs met/unmet Tolerance for stress Intellect/ emotional intellect Mental illness/substance dependence Physical illness Others Signs of Trouble     Refusal to admit there is a problem Avoidance of spouse/no time together Hashing over the same problem repeatedly Belief that the problem will go away by itself Signs of Big Trouble  Resentment/hostility Infidelity   Verbal, physical or sexual abuse Relationship Problems What’s Emotional Intelligence Got to Do With It?  Correlates with your ability to express yourself clearly Correlates with your ability to understand your emotions and your partner’s emotions Correlates with your ability to be successful with active listening skills   Defined by Daniel Goleman as:  “the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships” Another Definition:  “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” What is an Emotional Trigger?  You do that and I do this! Fight or Flight response Understanding the connection in the brain    Responding to and managing triggers Physical Symptoms of Feelings       Headaches Blood pressure Tightening in back Shoulder tension Eyes/Chest Fight or Flight response Triggered Managing Triggers     Identify the emotion-notice it-label it Get unstuck from it Use your breathing – physically relax Recognize that feelings are not necessarily facts Managing Triggers      Tune in to your body Wait and listen to what you can sense or pick up Identify the feeling Make the connection Ask questions and gather data through active listening The Task  Go towards the emotion and embrace it, label it, get unstuck and work with it Recognize the emotions of others, don’t get swept in, stay separate Use both the mind and the body to assist you   Steps to Maintaining a Healthy Relationship      When you feel misunderstood or mistreated avoid a judgmental attitude Be assertive not aggressive Find the understandable part in your disagreements Give equal regard to your partners opinions Offer assurance Source: Brent Atkinson  Steps to Maintaining a Healthy Relationship       Identifying and explaining what is at stake (knowing when you are triggered-make and explain the connection) Be curious about your partner’s world Keep sight of the positive Making and responding to bids for connection Pursuing shared meaning Source Brent Atkinson Not So Successful “Not at all. We’re just breeding contempt.” Celebrate Success!