By Robert.f Renshaw
copyright by Robert Renshaw 2008
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shat not be lent, hired out, resold or
otherwise curculated without the publishers prior consent
Coffeeman: Fifty, Tall, Fit and Fair.
Mr. A : Fifty, solid build .ex police detective
Mr. L: Fifty, solid portly, Greek taxi driver.
Priests, Rabbis, Clerics: Last rites exponents extrodonier
Taxi Drivers: various nationalities.
Patients :Amputees, & handicapped.
Staff and Doctors
Helicopter pilots 1 & 2
Police officers 1 & 2
Ms T: girlfriend
Ms S: Former girlfriend
Sick mum and Daughter
General public: Drunks & Visitors
Placed beside the external doors of a major city hospital, is a black Coffee Cart. Four
metres long and two metres high at one end, with a small. Espresso machine in the centre.
Behind the counter an old fashioned hot dog stand and pie warmer are situated in prime
visual position. A small TV is placed on top of the tall cabinet, with a music Dvd playing.
A seriously sick little girl and her dad are saying hi, to the Coffeeman as he just finished
placing his quiz of the day on a huge black board on the front of the cabinet.
Beside it is a smaller blackboard, where his personal quote of to day is written
On the counter top of the cart is a metal CLOSED SIGN. Two Metres long and bright
yellow with black writing 300mm high..
Tossing a coin he says to himself softly
“Heads, Chocolate! Tails, Banana!”
Cheerfully he addresses the girl as he starts writing her name on the back of an angel
“Put that up here darling, that’s it on the machine, Wow! And here are some to take with
you! Stick them everywhere! The hospital won’t mind.”
Cheeky grin and wink to sad father
Brightens up. “Thank you, Bye.” Waving
Coffeeman Kindly and hopefully
“See you tomorrow. Wonder Girl.” A reference to her caped pyjamas
Chats to himself as he starts writing in chalk on the bigger board.
“Name in order A-Z, 26 movies that starred Singer/Actors”.
That should, keep them busy.
Now for the quote.”
Writing on the smaller board
NEVER TRY TO ACT THE FOOL TO PLEASE ANY PERSON,
THAT ALREADY THINKS YOU ARE ONE.
VISITORS Women And men wander around looking on crumpled pieces of paper
maps, trying to find loved ones in different parts of the hospital or car parks or teller
Coffeeman Calling out loudly to a stranger and pointing.
“Over to the left Madam, Upstairs second floor sir, inside next to the Chapel, mate.
Don’t park there champ. Will you stop smoking around here! Please!”
The constant interruptions were stopping him from setting up his trade.
COFFEEMAN NARRATES TO AUDIENCE
“Seven Years I have set up here and every night the same types of people, arrive and do
the same thing, Get lost, won’t park right ,smoking all over the place, driving by at any
(Screaming at a delivery van)” slow down fool!”
“ I understand, here on a hospital this is a strange disorienting place for most.
It eats at their emotions, and most people don’t know how their emotions work.
I have spent my life sizing people up in a second. But here it takes less time. From
the moment they order a drink, I can feel their distrust for these surroundings.
Signs don’t work, you can put up signs every metre, and people don’t want to see
them, like this one”, (pointing to a woman, he addresses her, as she remains standing
at the counter)
“Signs are a thing we see too many of. Most people are in here because they ignored their
Pointing to Two older men in wheel chairs laughing and smoking away, although both
have recently had limbs amputated.
“REGULARS. Here every other month.”
“Children are different, they don’t know there are signs, and no matter how bad they feel
they smile through it ,because that’s what they expect as normal.” sad smile. “It, would
stop you and me cold! well back to work” cheekily “we will talk later.”
THE SUN STARTS TO SET AND THE CART STARTS TO COME TO LIFE, FOR IT
SERVICES THE NIGHT STAFF AND THOSE WHO WORK SHIFT WORK.
“Hi Miss S.” as she walks towards him
Miss S Cold stare with a drop dead you bastard look.
Addressing the various Taxi drivers and people, as he finalises his setting up.
'Hi! I will be a few minutes”
A small band or regulars start to move in close as he removes the closed sign
Coffeeman talking quickly to ensure speedy service
“Flat white today mate? Hot chocolate for you? What’s yours sir?”
Addressing a young man looking a bit drunk
“Youz sell cigarettes here? “
Coffeeman annoyed by the stupid question
“No mate, try inside at the bottle shop, next to the TAB.”
Drunk rushes in doors without a thank you
NARRATIING TO AUDIENCE
“People ask all night where can I smoke? Do I sell smokes? Why can’t I smoke here at
the counter? Many bludge smokes off the patients, sick people who are unable to get to
“All I do is point” On the wall is a large official NO SMOKING SIGN
His back to the man he starts to put the frankfurter on the bun
“Yes mate what would you like on it?”
“The Hot Dog”.
“Yes, that’s a start, anything else on it?”
“Three dollars fifty thanks.”
Starts to address the every increasing crowd
“Yes mate, what’s yours? and for you Madam? That’s how many cappuccinos sir?”
Man Who has been eating hotdog at side of cart, now forces his way in front of people
unwrapping the hotdog he pushes it towards coffeeman.
“Sauce I wanted sauce.”
Coffeeman Quickly grabbing Tomato sauce bottle, pouring on the hotdog without
exchanging a word.
Coffeeman madly making coffees and hotdogs to serve the increasing crowds.
“Your drinks sir,your hotdog mate,sauce and onion,here is your pie sir.”
Man Forcing his way back in front of crowd.
“Onions, I wanted onions, I said onions and sauce and mustard.”
Coffeeman Not in mood for it.
“Mate take a good look at what is on offer,” pointing to the large array of sauces and
toppings “and when you are ready tell me all at once.”
“Only onion and mustard like I asked for in the first place” an attitude of smart arse
coming over his voice.
Coffeeman Quickly loudly and deliberately “Here’s your onion, here’s your mustard
and did you say cheese?”
Man “No! I did not say any cheese.”
Coffeeman Steering man away from counter by holding his hotdog on side of cart
“ mate bye.” RETURNS BACK TO CROWD
“Coffees madam,your hotdog sir cheese and mustard.”
ManWith half eaten hot dog in the tatters of its brown bag wrappings, from the non
service side of cart.
“Cheese, I asked for cheese “ thrusting his mess at the coffeeman.
Coffeeman Slowly reaches over, grabs the bag and crushes it in his large hands then
throws it in the bin.Turns to his till taking out a two dollar coin he slams it on the counter
under mans nose.
“Here go to MacDonald’s,my treat”Pointing to the street. The man wanders away not
quite sure what happened, but does not return.
Coffeeman Back to service as normal.
“Your coffee sir and your pie mate. Here’s your hamburger with the lot cabbie”
Drunk Looking flustered as he stumbles by quickly but does not stop.
“There’s no fucking bottle shop in there, Arsehole!”
YES A SLOW START TONIGHT, TYPICAL PEOPLE.
ON MY OLD TV\DVD HERE, I PLAY SOME LIVE CONCERTS OR OLD TV
SHOWS, CARTOONS, MOVIES, IT ADDS A BIT OF FUN, AND IT TAKE THEIR
MINDS AWAY FROM WHAT WORRIES THEM.
BUT ON BUSY BUSY NIGHTS I PUT IN MY CROWD STOPPER...
PUSHING A START BUTTON ON THE DVD,
ELVIS COMEBACK CONCERT 1967 STARTS PLAYING ON THE SCREEN.
ELVIS,S FACE FILLS THE SCREEN.SAD TO THINK HE WAS GONE ONLY TEN
WOMEN REFUSE TOO BE SERVED, WHEN THEY SEE THAT, THEY WILL
FIGHT NOT TO BE FIRST, SO AS TO WATCH HIM IN THAT BLACK LEATHER
SKIN TIGHT OUTFIT.
Imitating arguing women “No No I can wait, NO!YOU WERE HERE FIRST.
YOU ORDER.! WELL I CAN WAIT!!!! “(laughing) “THANKS ELVIS.”
Coffeeman To a nurse in a hurry running late'
“This coffee for you it’s a flat white.Yes? No wait, a cap a latte ?”
He’s stirring her knowing she’s late “was that skim?”
Nurse Looking at watch “You know my order, you mongrel, HURRY UP.”
Coffeeman. Handing drink, as more arrive at counter.
“ecaf short black, with extra hot, soy light and a marshmallow on top.”
Said to embarrass her.
Nurse child like anger and sneer.Drops the money on the counter
Coffeeman To other customers.
“And she is a nice, regular.”
Customer superior attitude
“I don’t suppose you make a cappuccino, how could you?”
Coffeeman. Handing over a super fast cappuccino, before you can blink.
“There is a good chance that the person standing behind here can do almost any drink
you like. So why must people assume that their drink is impossible to make. IT’S
COFFEE AND HOT MILK! And if you pay me I will put a tea bag in your coffee, if
that’s what you want.”
Coffeeman returning to customers.
“Sorry about that was just abusing the audience.”
Coffeeman watching a security guard running towards emergency doors, addresses
“Another happy customer about to be read the riot act”
Female customer staring at TV.
“Is Elvis cute or what?”
“Don’t know what you women saw in him” A stone cold stare at women
Female customers In unison
“YOU’RE KIDDING!” All women go back to watching the King.
“So are any of you ladies ready to order?”
Females All pointing at each other without breaking eye contact with the TV
Coffeeman laughing “ NEXT! PLEASE”.
Coffeeman stands in front of the audience.
On a white movie screen beside him plays some comical footage that shows his early life
and his sporting achievements.
“I never started my life wanting to be a café owner, but in some ways maybe it was a
type of destiny.When I was young I worked the main sports grounds and old Sydney
stadium every weekend, as a barrow boy selling sweets and drinks, loved the great games
and cold winter days, (child in freezing wind)
I also attempted some sporting careers.
Boxing : two feet soles facing up
Football : two feet sole, facing down
Swimming: two feet horizontal in water
Surfboat crew: capsized boat
Rock fishing: helicopter sea rescue
Snow skiing: winter search team
Coffeeman looking at screen
“I am safer here.”
A commotion of noise from the side of the cart in the car park a woman is screaming,
about to give birth.
“Get a wheelchair for her.”
Too late we hear the woman screaming as she is about to deliver in the car.
Father to be Insensitively
“Not on the leather seats! it will stain, hold on till I get a towel,I will be five minutes,
Too late, baby starting to appear and with it, all the messy bits start gushing all over the
interior of the precious car. Her screaming is now at maximum level.
Father to be looking dejected standing with a little chamois in his hands.
“Would you like an aspro or something?”
Mother to be seething pained voice
“You’re the one going to need the aspro.Taking me 20 km from home over 45 speed
humps, so you could get safe parking for you bloody car, well here clean this.”
And with that she gave a final scream as the baby arrived with the sound of a baby
As the staff rushes woman and baby into the hospital we see the man his little chamois
and a little bottle of Perrier water trying to clean seats as he makes a soft whimper,
covered in mess over his car and clothes
Father to be Sad. My seats.
END SCENE ONE.
Writing a new quiz and quote on the boards
Quiz: A-Z. 26 movies starring John Wayne .Not Westerns
Quote:True strength is best shown silently.
Coffeeman Addressing audience as he changes DVD
“Here’s a secret tip if you have a quiz board at home, as I am sure you all do.
There are good quiz questions and there are bad quiz questions.
Good questions are simple ones, 26 songs or movies about love, about holidays or about
Bad ones as I discovered here, are”
Pointing to displayed screen
1) 26 chores women should do after work. -----Display screen shows 2 women throwing
hot tea over coffeeman)
2)Places to hide a bomb ----. Display screen shows police interviewing him under lights
3)26 types of rashes---- display screen shows patients lifting up their gowns and showing
rashes to their groins and arses
4)26 excuses for an affair -- display screen has return of the 2 tea throwers
5)26 female singers (not black) -- Marcia Hines throwing tea in face
Coffeeman returns to the cart as a new DVD starts playing on TV The Best of The
Don Lane show with Bert Newton.
Coffeeman. Pointing to screen
“I will entertain them with this while they order.”
More strangers arrive, lost and in a hurry.
“You direct me to the AA meeting room, please?”
“Yes! Over there in the hall, opposite the Pub.'
“Can you direct me to the Psychiatric Hospital.?”
“Yes! Down the road next to the large cliff.”
“Can you direct me to the sleep clinic? “
“Yes, upstairs next to the Helipad.”
To self. “Got to love designers”.
Taxis arrive and their drivers emerge, it looks like the airport, at Tel Aviv
together with,the police, a few regulars arrive the place is getting crowded
Mr. A dressed warmly and in a relaxed mood
“Good evening all.”
Coffeeman makes him his regular drink
“You been on another planet mate? Try contacting you and nothing!”
“Had to go to doctor was a serious matter and he sent me off to some specialist.”
“Why a specialist? Nothing special about you.”
“I have a small growth on my balls, which needed some identification.”
Coffeeman In a gay male voice
“That’s called a penis honey! Don’t they have those where you’r from?”
“Well I needed an ultrasound, and no, its not that small, smart arse.Well this pretty nurse
came in an ,I rather not say what happened.”
“Tell me you bastard I need a laugh, and did you bring the xray photos? I could hang
them here over the screening machine,get you thirty doctors opinions. In an hour.”
Mr. A Embarrassed
“Well, no, she had to inspect me with that electric wand they use.” pauses again
Taxi driver On blue tooth earpiece screaming in Arabic as he orders a coffee
“Flat white please brother.”
Back to screaming down phone in Arabic,
Other customers waiting in line are visibly alarmed
Coffeeman To the customers, as he hands driver coffee
“He is upset because he just got thrown out of Al Quada, for being too fanatical “cheeky
“Yes Mr A you were saying, she had you naked and was violating you with a magic
wand, as you recited her poetry”.
“She was doing more than violating me, she was armed and dangerous.” Pauses again
“A Hot Chocolate please lots of mashmallows and whipped cream.”
Coffeeman cheekily, knowing that a woman at the counter would embarrass him
“Yes Mr. A, you were saying about your recent examination, she was attentive and?”
'It can wait! I don’t want you to enjoy this to much.”
Coffeeman giving the drink to the woman she pays and leaves
“Ha go on! I’II keep an eye open for any customers.”
“She applied some icy cold gel to the parts required, then she started to slowly rub that
vibrating wand all.” paused again
A continuous stream of customers come to the cart interrupting the flow of the story.
Mr. A wanders over to MR L and they start chatting
“How is the gambling? Brought any houses today with the winnings?”
Mr. L Smoking
“No good sir, it seems that my luck has changed over the years am not sure when, but I
think it was about the time I was abducted by aliens, in the country.”
Mr. A Amazed look on face
“What! are you crazy? If you can’t back a winner, don’t blame it on, alien abductions.”
“Is true No bull. I was a sales rep for a company. I was making big money; I was
playing cards with all the biggest gamblers in Sydney, and had the very best of
I was driving between Wagga and Yass late one night, selling my dinner sets.”
Paused as a passenger hops in cab and Mr. L drives off.
Mr. A returning to the cart
“He’s mad telling me about alien abductions”.
“Not as mad as I will be, if you don’t finish this gel story,well?”
“She starts to tease me with this wand thingo. Im feeling a bit, well you know,excited.”
“You sick bastard! There is this poor young woman giving you her utmost professional
attention, and your displaying all the sensitivity of a first grade football player,so yes?'
“Well I warned her that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by this vibrating attention.”
Paused as priest comes to cart
Coffeeman blatantly trying to embarrass Mr. A
“Yes go on I am sure Father here would love to hear the end of your story. Now you were
on a table, the wand was warm, the gel was smooth and?”
Mr. A Angry
“When you’r finished inside Father there may be bit of work for you out here.” pointing
at the coffeeman.
“Hot chocolate, all the trimmings thank you, please.”
“So is this a welcoming in or arranging departure visit?”
“Departure I am afraid, nice woman only 50s, been here a while.”
Coffeeman handing over drink
“I am always impressed by you people, who serve your faiths, it is the hardest job in the
world by far and I am an Atheist! but I can see the great need for religions,
Imagine that without religion controlling the emotions of the people, we would have
destroyed ourselves a long time ago.”
“Imagine this, you have another man walking towards you and you would not know what
he is thinking. Is he friendly? Will he attack me?
Without the mental conditioning of the love one another principal religions have
instilled in all mankind we would have been wiped out a1000 years ago.”
Father smiles and departs inside to give last rites to a patient.
Coffeeman addressing Mr. A
“Talking about controlling your emotions, go on, You Sick Bastard.”
“ She wielded this thing like a sexual toy. I warned her! I warned her!
Relax the pressure, but oh no, she keeps purring this thing. Up and down”.
He does sensual hand movements holding an imaginary vibrator
“Up and down. Twisting it turning it covering me in more cold gel.”
His voice is getting excited.
Coffeeman giving fake disgusted look
“You didn’t you beast you didn’t attempt sexual relations with a medical professional.
Whilst on a benefit?”
“Worse I reached for her..”
Paused, as customers, Police women arrive for a drink.
Coffeeman to policewomen
“Yes ladies? What drinks would you like?”
“Two hot chocolates please.A Busy night for you?”
“No, easy and relaxed, why are you here?”
“We have to bring a man in for a medical removal of a quantity of drugs he has
'Like a box of aspros,or bex?”
Mr. A expoliceman mode
“Don’t laugh about that, when I was a young policeman in Paddington station, a man
walked in and said.”
“I am Doctor Johnson and I have just committed suicide:”
Apparently he had just ingested 100 paracetamol tablets, took him 6 weeks to die in
“Yuk,never heard of that. This mans only taken some ecstasy tablets in plastic bags, he
swallowed them when we pulled him over for a licence check.”
“Ecstasy they still taking that shit? After poor little Anna Woods died at the Phoenician
club all those years ago, dying the first time she tried one,
Well bad luck for him. Is he still alive?”
“Well a bag may have burst and he’s having a shocker, pointing to the police van”
Loud screams and howls from inside van.
“We are waiting for a bed.”
Howling sounds from druggy in van sounding like a thousand spiders have crawled over
“We are waiting for back up, before we open the doors.See ya soon bye.”
Returning after fare, and pointing to police van.
“He sounds crazy.”
“He’s crazy?You were going tell me about aliens abducting you, and he’s crazy.”
“True story mate, was driving along, then wham, big flash of light car starts floating, I get
drawn into some craft, I wake up two days later in my car one hundred kilometres from
were I should have been, covered in a metallic dust no one can tell me what it is, I not
“I believe you, you’re too truthful.”
“My girlfriend travelled often, and once she had to fly to U.S.A. in a small seat in the
cockpit of a 747 Jumbo, through the cockpit windows she sees lights flashing and moving
close to the plane.
She asks the pilots are they real U.F.O.s they said yes, but if they inform anyone they
would be grounded as insane.”
“My wife, she not like me much nowadays but she believed me, everyone says that I am
crazy when I tell it, but I be crazy to lie about it.”
“Well stranger things happen at sea, as they say.Ok, where was I?”
“You were about to pounce on some poor defenceless girl,armed only with a magic wand
and some evil gel.”
Mr. L inquisitive laughter
“What’s this?you been a bad boy?”
“I will tell you soon.Over at the taxi.”
“Yes its only taken 4 months to tell me,this story has more installments than a Walton’s
loan,now you sicko, get on with it.”
“Well before I could say please stop to her” Embarrassed pause
Coffeeman looking over counter and around for any close by customers, to see why he
“I came on her!” His hands moving in a fashion to describe a fountain.”I mean I gushed
all over the place.” embarrassed look.
Coffeeman mock disgust with the start of hysterical laughter
“You filthy! Dirty! Old man, poor woman ,I hope you cleaned yourself up and left.”
“Well no, she had to clean me up. To make matters worst she got it over her uniform and
had to change.”
“Well! so now what, ? Your running all over the place trying to buy one of these new
ultrasound wands for personal use, Sicko? Get wifey a little white nurses gown to wear
“It gets worse apparently in all the commotion she did not save a part of my test and I
have to go back tomorrow to do it all again.
They rang me to confirm, I mention my little problem and the receptionist said,” Oh yes!
We have all heard about YOU!”.
“Good, they will have some butch male nurse and he will show you other uses for a
magic wand and some gel,I hope they keep it in the freezer,that’s if you’re lucky he will
use the gel.You better get old faithful up and gushing again,or he will be thinking your
Mr. A sadly
Coffeeman to audience:
“I have always felt intuitively that the loss of someone is often more traumatic when
you don’t have a chance to say goodbye.”
A young lady walks outside carrying only a thin pink plastic bag full of old clothes and
personal belongings.Her face covered in a look of total despair.
Coffeeman walking from behind the coffee cart to be by her side
“Is she gone? your dear Mum?”
“Yes, they said she would last till Christmas.”Shaking sadly and tears welling in her eyes.
Coffeeman leading her over to a quiet seat away from the cart holding her hand and
cuddles her shoulder.
“You know it’s ok to cry, I mean really cry, you loved her and she loved you, and don’t
let anyone stop you from feeling sad, ok!”
“I watched you come here everyday for months to be with her, and she was there at your
beginning and now you were there at her end, and that’s all we can ask in this life, is to
have the ones we love close as we say goodbye.”
Lady sobbing hysterically
“She was supposed to live! to come home!I was going to care for her fix her,we were
talking about going on a holiday,she was fine till yesterday,
I begged them to save her.” her tears are falling freely and she shakes from shock.
Coffeeman softly speaking .”What a terrible thing, you never deserved this hurt,you
have been fantastic. You have done everything you could,you hear me, there is nothing
you could do any more and never feel you did not do enough.”
“She had been ill for a long time and now the pain is gone, and I want you to believe me!
She will be beside you everyday of your life, she is with her mum now, and she has
waited a long time to see her daughter too. Now cry as hard as you can for as long as you
want, and soon, the pain will ease, it will never leave, but it will slowly with time soften
and then you can remember all the good things.
Do you have someone now to be with? “
Lady starting to calm
“Yes my Aunty is at home.”
“Well tomorrow I want you, to write down you mums favourite songs, her favourite
places. Find the photos she and you loved, and send her to her mum looking as beautiful
as she would have wanted.”
“I wish everyone could have a daughter like you.”
He Stands her up and gives her a long hug
“Remember she is beside you now and forever.”
He slowly walks back to cart waving goodbye as she slowly walks to her car.
The priest comes out from the building and the coffeeman walks over to him.
“I hope you arranged an extra nice spot up there.” pointing to heaven .”Her daughter
loved her greatly.”
Priest Smiling at the request from an Atheist
“I prayed for her so she would get the best spot too.Bye till next time.”
Coffeeman With a knowing voice
“See you later tonight”.
Coffeeman walking behind cart to serve a waiting customer
“Well finally! I waited here five minutes; people like you have no right to run a shop. I
need change for the drink machine” slams $5.00 on the counter.
Coffeeman still watching lady slowly walking to her car in case she faints, drops $5.00
in coins on the counter without acknowledging the bitch or even looking at her
The coffeeman attends to his stock and prepares some food when a low humming sound
“Shit, a helicopters about to land”
The Helipad is only metres from the cart and the noise of the rotor blades whirring, is
To customers at counter.
“Starting to get too noisy,I will wait till they land”.
A loud roar of powerful turbined propellers and the down draft wind blows the cart
around with some lids and napkins, start to disappear, coffeeman is spread out his body
and hands holding down items from blowing to the ground, in front of him a man walks
up in the middle of all the turbulence and starts to order a drink.
Man talking normally
Coffeeman totally ignoring him
Man still ordering
“A white coffee and maybe some of that cake.”
Helicopter still finalising its landing and turbines screaming wind blowing dirt and
rubbish all over the ground and a deafening scream of the blades.
Coffeeman ignoring man not even looking at him, only at chopper.
Helicopter blades slow to a stop sound level is stable and it is safe to return to serving.
Coffeeman To original customers who waited patiently.
“Yes please? What would you like?”
Man now loud
Coffeeman school headmaster tone
“You’re the guy who thinks people should make hot drinks as a helicopter is blowing the
place apart ,risking the safety of others,so as you can see,you were behind others in a
cue ,so I will serve you soon.”
Man realises he is stupid.
As coffeeman makes drink to the sound of Don Lane and Bert Newton, entertaining the
crowd, with some of their great guests and skits, the pilots arrive to order
“Great to see you here again we love it when you’re here.”
“Thanks mate, where you from today?”
“South Coast, young baby breathing problems, we will grab some food and some hot
chocolates than off to Coffs Harbour.”
Coffeeman making some hot dogs and drinks for them.
“Well enjoy, and thanks for dusting off my top shelf I can never reach that properly”
Pilots laughing “See you soon, Bye.”
Man who tried to order during landing
“Did they come here just for a coffee?”
“Yes, they can’t land it at MacDonald’s can they?”
“Hi I need a coffee, but I only have change for a fifty dollars is that ok?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“Good because I told my son I had no money and if he knew I had this, he would want
lots of junk food, so just a coffee. I will tell him you gave it to me.”
“I always told my children when they were young, that, when you go to the shops with
In a childish voice
“If you see something you really really want , you must grab it and scream “ I want it
and if mummy says no, you must scream louder and throw yourself on the floor and that
way mummy will know you really want it. or better still hide with it for hours in the shop.
Sometimes mums say they have no money, but they’re fibbing, because all mums have
lots of money in there shoes, that’s why you see other kids grabbing mummy’s legs”.
“You bastard! And what happened?”
“My kids said no you’re silly dad ,mom takes the money out of your wallet to buy our
“Serves you right, nice coffee bye.”
Mr. A is telling Mr. L his embarrassing story over by the taxi, Mr. A is waving his hands
animating the moment of eruption, Mr L is laughing, a black car arrives, and it is Miss T
with some dinner.”
Miss T hugging everyone
“Hi Mr. L, hi Mr. A,” giving him a big hug
“Watch him darling, he has a hair trigger.”
Mr. A loudly
Miss T giving coffeeman a big kiss and hug
“Hi darling I brought you some dinner, fried rice and chicken, I been busy working and I
know you never see me till late so I worry about you.”
“Thanks darling, did you work hard, and did you buy me something small like a yacht?”
“Yes darling I brought you a yacht and a Ferrari, now eat your dinner.”
“Later I will, was work good? Did you enjoy it?”
“Ok, lots of gossip to tell you, when you get home,did you know Bert Newton wears a
piece?Anyway see you later, walk me to the car.”
Coffeeman walks to car and stands in car door giving Miss T a passionate farewell kiss
“Bye honey, see you later.”
Coffeeman walking back to cart addresses Mr. A
“You want a coffee Vesuvius?”
The sound of the helicopter blades warming up ,warns coffeeman that he is about to get
blown away again, and he assumes his usual position of moving every thing and holding
the larger items with his body and hand, the blades whirr to top speed, and the wind
blows as they take off.
Man same one as before
“A flat white and a piece of cake please.”
MIDNIGHT TILL 3 AM
Coffeeman writing on the quiz board
In order from A-Z name 26 Aboriginal tribal names.
Writing on the quote board
Never take a stale mind to a fresh start.
At the counter 2 religious leaders in full attire arrive at the same time .one a rabbi the
other a cleric both look at each other without any real acknowledgement. Obviously both
are here to give last rites to their respective patrons.
Coffeeman to both at same time
“Yes gentlemen what would you like?”
“A black tea please.”
“A white coffee please.”
“Another sad visit for you two?”
Cleric/Rabbi in unison
Coffeeman hands over respective drinks to each man and tills the monies
Rabbi typical friendly curious nature
“So how is business?”
Coffeeman straight faced to both men, and leaning over counter.
“Gentlemen I would have better luck selling Christmas trees in Mecca.”
Rabbi/Cleric can’t believe what they just heard, look at each other and burst out
laughing, slowly they walk away in separate directions, still laughing.
Coffeeman talking to self softly
“I may have found the secret to solving the Middle East crisis,Comedy.”
Lady Doctor Impatiently
“Where is Mr. L. I need him?”
“Typical you always want him here want him now, you never call him to say hi, want to
catch up, you just use him, drive me here drive me there.”
“He’s a taxi driver that’s what he does?”
Coffeeman feigning attitude
“I will call him see if he is available for your personal chauffeuring” rings on mobile,
“Yes mate there’s some woman here says you’re her on call possession. You know
anyone like that?”doctor hits him jokingly “yes I tell her 5 minutes, shall I check see her
moneys ok?” she hits harder.
“You want any dinner, you worked late, and did you eat?”Already making a snack
without waiting for a reply.
“I had some juice and a biscuit, about two hours ago.”
“Well done that will get you thru the day. That’s why you need the taxi, no energy to
walk home.” Keeps adding things on to a roll.
“Its twenty kilometers from here” walking towards taxi “Bye!”
Hands over a large brown paper bag with a hamburger cut in 2 on a plate.
“Yummy! thanks Bye!”
As the taxi drives off, another car very slowly pulls in front of the cart, its driver takes a
long time getting out of the car, edging his way around to the front of the vehicle his hand
remaining in contact with the car like its holding him up, as he reaches the passenger
edge, he lets go of the car and slowly and unsteadily inches his way to the cart, eventually
he touches the counter with both hands and smiles like he had just won an Olympic gold
“Hi coffeeman, I have waited and swore to my self for 2 years that I would do that and at
last” loudly and happy “I have!”
Coffeeman recognizing man as a previous full spinal accident victim
“Well I am so glad you never stopped trying, look at you, this is fantastic, you were
written off, you’re amazing”. Leaves counter and hugs man.
“You know everyday I came down and we chatted, I would be in that bloody chair only
able to move my hands,head and some toes. You used to tell me,” see what you want to
do and tell your body, to help.”
“Well I did and every day, I promised my self I would walk, I would drive and when I
could do that I was going to come here and walk to you and order, just like everyone else.
Like a normal person.” starts getting emotional.
“Only one problem.”
“Well unlike everyone else, your monies no good here, I think you paid your bill by
walking to me, now what’s your pleasure.”
As coffeeman and driver chat silently.
The spotlight turns to an emancipated old man Appearing at the doors beside the cart.
He looks exhausted from his long struggle from his bed to the outside.
He is dressed in a white hospital gown, tied around his waist to the gowns belt are
15 oxygen inflated clear surgical gloves. Looking like a cows udder, ballerina tutu.
He shuffles only a few small steps, then stops, undoes one of the gloves from his waist, he
then unties the end a little and holds the opening to his mouth he inhales shallowly, as
these contain the air his own lungs no longer provide, from years of smoking. He then
reties the glove and reattaches it to his waist, this, he repeats every 5 steps till he reaches
the seat, once seated he lights a cigarette, and using the oxygen in the gloves to help him
alternately breath and smoke.
The spotlight very slowly dims to darkness on the old man
A patient is waiting for a taxi near the cart, and a woman prison officer is approaching
Coffeeman. “Yes please?”
“Three hot dogs with the lot please, we missed dinner. When the prisoners are here they
only want your hotdogs, they go back and rave to the other prisoners about them.”
“So I can expect a visit from all the boys when they get released.”
“Yes and you’r on the no rob list, don’t touch the hot dog guy.”
Coffeeman handing food over and taking monies.
“Nice to know I am liked in the good places too. Bye.”
Coffeeman To waiting lady
“Did you ring a taxi?”
A druggy looking man approaches the cart checking out the place, and starts asking
“You work alone? You make much money? What time you finish here?”
Coffeeman. Totally ignores druggy, and cleans surfaces.
Druggy getting cranky
“How many cups a night, coffee? Shit you must make some good dough? What sort of
Coffeeman still ignoring, but worried for lady and no cab.
“Taxi should be here soon Madam”
To druggy, with intense anger.
“Don’t! Ask me questions.”
Druggy walks off swearing and sleazily checking out lady at taxi stand
A porter arrives to order some food, this porter has a condition known as turrets
syndrome, extreme involuntary loud swearing
Coffeeman “Yes sir?”
“A soy cappuccino and a bacon egg roll please.”
Porter walks away from cart about four metres, starts swearing.
“Oh you bastard you rotten dirty mongrel, who you to talk to me you arse hole”
“Any sauce on the roll?”
“Yes tomato thanks” returns to swearing.
“You prick. You fing prick saying that tomato you are a f wit arsehole” continues.
“Ready thanks $7.00”
Porter paying and walks off towards lower doors
“f-ing. Arsehole s f-ing” and so on till he is inside doors
Coffeeman to lady still waiting for a taxi
“Who did you call? Cobb & co? I will call you one.” Dials Mr. L
“Yes mate get back here now, please.” Hangs up phone.
“He will be here in two minutes.”
“Thank you, I was in the emergency, my sons not well and I hate this terrible place. I hate
coming here its horrible, he needs special care I can’t stop worrying.”
“You’re standing in one of the greatest places on earth, where miracles occur everyday.
There are more special operations and magically problems being fixed every moment,
this place is amazing.”
“If your son needs help, and they think they need advice, all they do is go online to a
specialist anywhere in the world, and you have the world at your service. So no, you need
to see this place as one of the most special places you can ever visit.”
Mr. L arrives in his taxi
“Thank you, I see what you mean, bye.”
Coffeeman to Mr. L
“Where’s Mr. A?”
“Im here, I was wandering to my car to see if I had left a towel in the boot.”
“You going swimming? bit late for a night dip.”
“I love a night swim, but it does have its dangers.”
“Yes, like getting wet.'
“Years ago when I was on my motor bike, I went for a drive to Narrabeen pool.
It was late and hot. I needed a swim, so I stripped off totally naked and was enjoying the
darkness and the cool water.
When! All of a sudden fourteen women arrive and hop in the pool, they start swimming
and chatting, I am stuck.”
“You could not get away? Could not just walk out butt naked,
Dry of and go?”
“Well I thought about that, but as the group started chatting and moving closer to me, I
was suddenly surrounded.
I started chatting to one woman, and asked why they were here it’s a bit late for a group
of women. To be out.
She replied that they were the local nuns,
I was stuck in that pool for bloody hours till I was blue.”
“You sick sick bastard. What created you?”
loudly to embarrass him.
“POOR INNOCENT NUNS HAVING A LITTLE DIP INNOCENTLY SWIMMING,
OH NO IN THE POOL WE HAVE DEVIATEMAN”.
“Sick and evil and naked. Nuns and innocent nurses, you need serious medical
interrogation by Freud and a whipping.”
Mr. A defeated
“If you did walk out of the pool naked, maybe you may have answered some of the nuns
“Oh please send us a deviate to swim naked with us, Mary Mackillop she could have
been beatified, years ago thanks to you, if you only walked out of the pool.”
Mr. L (returning from fare)
“You would not believe it I drop the woman at address I had trouble at years ago in Kings
“Well many years ago I was going to that address in the cross for a date, I was only new
to this country and I was bit lost I came into the building and went to top floor up the
Mr. A “Yes?”
“Would any of you guys like a drink?”
M r A & Mr. L Together
“So I hear a door open and slam, I think it’s the woman looking for me, so I look over the
railing. And I see a man carrying a woman she’s dead.”
“What? When was this I worked up there for years?”
“1970s about then I new to the place only here four months, so the man sees me and he
growls at me like a crazy animal “you seen nothing right!”
I frightened I know she dead or near dead, they way she is so limp and white, I pretend to
be stupid, and not understand.'
“What did the woman look like? And the man too?”
“Woman about thirty years old darkish hair and flowery top, I remember because I see
picture on the TV of her few days later and papers say she missing.”
“You mean you saw who killed Juanita Nielsen and did not say anything, who was the
“Oh he was tall dark hair about 30s mean face, scar and strong, he meant business, I think
that if I was not looking like a bumbling fool to him, he would have killed me too.”
“Shit! You just described Tony F, hit man for the boys up there; did you go to the
“No mate I was scared.”
“Drinks are ready”
“Well we love to know where he took her; I can’t believe you had that information for all
“I was scared of the police here, I heard story they arrest you, too, for being there,
remember I was only new here, a stranger, and if I go missing too then what?”
“Hey coffeeman, you hear that story?”
“Yes, and I believe it too .Well ring up your old chums and follow it up.”
Mr. A “That I will.”
Mr. L gets a fare, people wander to counter and order, one guy tries to bludge.
“Mate me and my bros we like some coffees.ok?”
“Four flat whites make them largest you got and they better be nice ones and maybe
some cakes too ok.”
“Ok that will be about $16.00”
“Oh! No, sees my mate he sick and I want you could like just give it too us. snickering to
mate “so that’s 4 coffees and a cake ok.”
“I don’t do free anything, so don’t waste your and my time, the only people I ever give
something to are the children with cancer”
“Yes bro I got the cancer, so give me the coffees ok” snickers again to mate
“I can’t believe even an idiot like you would say that, now go before I become unfriendly,
and that happens very quickly.”
Bludger walking away
“Some arsehole you are.”
Coffeeman ignores bludgers and starts to write new quiz.
26 of the handsomest men ever.
A young mom of a sick child has just arrived to visit her child and passes cart, and stops
at quiz board.
“That’s easy, where’s the chalk?”
“Up top of cabinet.”
Mum reaching chalk starts writing.
“Ok, A. ummm, Anthony Mundine. - B ummm Ben Ikon.-C ummmm Craig Wing.”
Coffeeman amazed at her choices
“Are you kidding me,”calls over the other guys “look what this woman’s doing to the
“Oh no! What about, Paul Newman for P?”'
“Paul Newman, Butch Cassidy. HUD, the Sting.”
“Never heard of him, umm, D? Dean something?”
“Martin? Dean Martin.”
“Who? No, Dean Jones, the cricketer. , I know. E Elton John.”
“What? Coffeeman! Help!”
Coffeeman To mom in mock police manner
“Put the chalk down and step away from the board, keep your hands where I can see them,
make one move for the chalk and I will tasar you with the whipped cream.”
“Well ok E can be Eric umm?”
“Banner? Oldfield? What about Errol Flynn?”
“Who? No Eric Grothe jnr.”
Coffeeman “Lets ask the audience”(turning to audience) “Well E is ?”
Fill in what ever they say
Coffeeman As he wipes her answers out
Back to audience
“A?” And fill in a few say A-J ,give audience some pre made quizzes to fill in during
NARRATING TO THE AUDIENCE.
People will argue with you over the silliest things like A TIP JAR
Show a man throwing money into grinder by mistake causing mayhem
I don’t like tip jars when its your business its selfish to expect the profits and tips, I use a
world vision child as a gratuity box and feed the kid with the money.
Sporting events on the TV.
Show man, blowing up screaming, dressed in full football regalia, looking at a screen,
that’s playing a Madonna concert, at kick off time
I don’t show any sports, football, tennis golf, soccer, maybe some Olympics, but as a
rule none, grand final, or Wimbledon, zero.
I have had people help me behind the counter as a bit of fun, (show a beautiful
Pammy Lee Anderson type) A miss Australia, miss Universe contestant)
(Show long line of men buying hotdogs, including rabbis and non pork eaters)
I have also had lots of celebrity customers, well I think I have!, because I never
watch TV, but every now and then I will get someone who is sure I must know them.
Show TV idol type giving coffeeman the yes it is me, grin) and show me giving, what you
want, and next please, look.
Mr. L returns from fare
“Im going to the taxi station see you there.”
“Yes I better go too, up with the sun tomorrow.”
A mist of fog starts to roll in and over the area giving an eerie feel to the place with the
Coffeeman mock fear
“Thanks guys, I be ok don’t worry about me.”
The coffeeman stands quietly, in the fog relaxing . a young woman about 23 years old,
pushes her dying mom looking about 65 years old yellowed skin and withered, out for a
bit of air its nearing 3am , they sit on a cold metal seat near the cart.
“Its scary out here mom. Hi coffeeman”
“Yes a night for the ghosts to grab you darling” laughs. Coughs.
Coffeeman walking over to them to see if they want a drink.
“Hi ladies would you like a hot drink or something to eat, got plenty left, im closing
“Black tea please, and some cake,” gives a big please eyes look
Coffeeman To sick mum
“And to you madame?”
Sick mum Weak voice
“Can I have a little hot roll and tea please.”
Coffeeman walking back to cart
“Of course anything for you.”
To daughter “its cold rug up more.”
As he prepares their treats, the daughter , arranges the blankets around her mum in the
Coffeeman Returns with a small tray of goodies and a drink for him sit down, his first
time to sit all night , in the fog and mist.
“What’s happening ladies, I thought you be home by now?”
“I am going home tomorrow. Their sending me home to die, nothing more they can do.”
“Yes and I will look after her it will be fine, won’t it mum?”
“That’s ok at least you know where you are now, and you can prepare.
You have both been great, and she(pointing at the daughter) has been the reason your
still here now, so what’s the plan?”
“Get her home and see from there. I am so scared but we got lots of time.'
Sick mum Sipping tea
“I don’t know what is going to happen, I just want to be over this pain.” sad look at
daughter “its not fair to put her through this, a child shouldn’t have to worry so much”.
“Im ok mum it will be fun,we can do lots of thing and you said you teach me to cook.”
Coffeeman relaxing mode
“I know for a fact that when you die you never actually leave. Ok your body goes. That’s
ok ,you don’t want to keep that one do you?”
Sick mom looking at her skin
“How old are you?”
Her withered body and yellow complexion had put twenty years on her.
Coffeeman Disbelieving look.
“Ok I tell you a true story .
My mother was very sick like you, she like you suffered for many years.
They tried everything at the time,cut her to ribbons till finally,she died.
She was cremated and I went to the funeral. I was about fifteen.
To me that was it, over, she was gone and I never went back.
To me life went on. Then one day I met a woman, she was ,unlike me, a religious person
of sorts, she asked about mum.”
“I told her the story, that I had not been to the cemetery for thirty years, well she carried
on” mimic a over animated preacher “ you must go to see her , thirty years, you must
“Why so long?'
Sick mum To daughter
“You better not wait thirty years, to see me,or else!”
“Yes about the or else! Well this woman went on and on everyday” mimic again “got to
see mom, got to see mom, when you going to see mom?”
“So I day I said “ok lets go to the cemetery today, just to shut you up.
We get there I have no idea where she is ,we wander around the place, I don’t want to be
there, but then I guess neither does mom.”
“Eventually we go to a little place on site that has a computer,( imitating punching in a
name on a computer) I feed in the name, it tells me she’s on the chapel sth wall.
Somewhere, off we go.”
'We get to the wall, now I told you I did not want to be there so im standing(stands like a
teapot man hands on hips) and we start at the first row, there’s hundreds of these little
brass plaques all over the walls ,she’s reading them “ oh look Joan brown died 1946.
Peter Hall died 1963, and she’s enjoying the fact she got me there.”
“Well you waited too long shame on you.”
“True,well ladies the next thing that happened,will show you what I am trying to tell you.
(To daughter) Stand up please”
“Is this going to hurt?”
“No! but it might change your mind about things though.”
He arranges the daughter to pose as if she is him, standing upright hands on hips.
“Ok now face the wall and pretend your reading those little brass name plates.”
She reluctantly obliges.
“Now I will show you exactly what happened.”
He places a hand around her arm at the right elbow.
“An invisible hand grabbed me tight.”
He puts strong pressure on the daughters arm.
“Ouch that’s hurts, this is freaking me out.”
Coffeeman still holding girls arm
“Well next thing you know im getting dragged down the wall!”
He drags the girl, strongly and quickly about 7 meters.
Coffeeman Still holding arm tight
“I yell out to the woman “Im being dragged, she can see me being dragged”. My eyes
never left the woman, suddenly,the hand lets go. “
Releases the daughter
“I look at the woman and say,where have I been dragged to? She walks up looks at the
little brass plaques and bingo I was dragged right to my mum Patrica’s plaque, looking
old and tarnished and no flowers,very sad. So I say “Hi mom sorry I been slack. But you
have some beautiful grandchildren and I will bring them to see you.”
“Well the woman freaks! It’s a miracle , because she witnessed this , I am going ,Ouch
“Because whoever it was had a terrific grip, I had finger marks for a week.”
Daughter Sitting down
“Im really scared now, who was it?”
“It was his mom silly girl! Thirty years she was angry.”
“My arm hurts.”
“Well I did go back a few times after that but, nothing! I had broken up with the woman,
who by the way, had become the mother of my youngest daughter ,Veronica. And I
would take the kids, now and then, but! I hated that place!”
(Dramatic scary voice) “So one night we go back.”
Daughter “Im really getting scared.” she hugs her mum who smiles and snuggles her
“My eldest daughter, one of her friends and I go back to visit mom, its late and getting
darker,I notice the plaque is a bit loose,so I go to the car parked close by,and get a screw
driver out. I say to the girls,” moms coming with us” and with that I dislodge the plaque
and start to pull the cremated ashes box from the wall( dramatically ) BUT!”
“What your grabbed again,what!?”
“No the box got stuck,” animated acts like pulling box out but loose grip “took us ages to
get it out.”
“Well we made it with five minutes before they shut the gate.”
“We now have mom in the car and we a driving around nowhere in particular, so I ask the
girls “what shall we do with mom?” After a moment they answer,” take her to the
beach”, so off to the beach we drive.”
“Its dark she will get cold at the beach.”
Sick mum and coffeeman look at her with a are you serious look
Coffeeman doing some descriptive actions
“We park next to the cliffs at the top of the beach,we walk up to the top.
We climb over the fence and sit upon this cold ledge, the winds blowing, the seas boiling
below us and the stars are like little,stars,I guess,.
“Alright I say to the girls, If mom’s spirit wants to be cast free,we are going to need a
sign .So I say “mom this is your son, and your granddaughter you never met in life, and
her friend, now if you want to be set free send me a sign now, send me, (paused moment)
a shooting star.”
“Well! In 2 seconds the biggest brightest shooting star went soaring across the sky and
right though the Southern Cross, never seen anything like it.”
“With that she was free,we sent her ashes over the cliffs to let the winds and the sea take
her to wherever she wants.”
“She was forty four.”
Sick mum sadly
“I have never seen a shooting star.”
Coffeeman. To daughter
“Well that’s one of the things you must do, before she goes, take mum to the beach ,rug
her up well and wait till you see a beautiful bright shooting star, and don’t forget to make
a wish. Its cold out here, you ladies must go inside where its warm, good night.” to sick
mum he knows he will never see again “enjoy the shooting star.”
He slowly walks back to the cart and starts to pack , he places a dark tarp over the
whole cart and ties it off, before he finishes he reaches under the tarp into a small
fridge and pulls out a paddle pop.
As he starts to unwrap and eat the ice cream, a brilliant shooting star flies across the sky
in front of him
Coffeeman holding up paddle pop as a salute
Lights fade to single spotlight at the door. Standing in the entrance is the daughter pale
tears rolling down her stunned face she stands like a statue a pink plastic bag full of her
mums possessions in her left hand. Coffeeman walks silently over to her and puts an
arm around her shoulders leads her to the seat.
(Light fades to black.)
Coffeeman is standing alone looking at the sky, relaxing after another long night
In the dimmed mist, A woman slowly approaches him she is dressed in black lace and a
black lace veil covers her face, she is holding a small rose.
Woman Handing Coffeeman the rose and lifting the veil to show she is Lady the young
daughter of the tragically lost, mum from earlier that week.
She softly kisses his cheek
“She looked beautiful “
(As stage fades to black they turn to see two shooting stars fly across sky)