strength

							the grinding sound as the smooth, metal blade tore past his ribcage. i will never forget
that. the frozen look of anguish. surprise. terror. as the hunting knife charged in. no.
no. it was helplessness frozen in his face. powerlessness. the illusion of control being
shattered. the destruction of the delusion of god’s great plan for us all. or was this all
part of god’s plan. was this our fate. i contemplated this question as i stood under the
streetlight, watching the steam rise as blood seeped from the wounds in his torso, forming
scarlet pools on the sidewalk.
was it his fate to be on this street tonite. to fall under my knife on this clear, cold nite.
was it mine to meet him here. to experience the absolute power of taking a life. was it
god’s hand forcing Death upon us. if life is devoid of free will, i am not responsible for
my actions.
no. i will not fall into that group in need of something to hold onto. my mind’s thoughts
are mine alone. i alone chose this path. i chose to place myself on this equal plane with
the creator. to take upon myself the power to give or take life.
i wiped the blood from the blade of the knife on the left sleeve of his grey greatcoat and
took one last, long look at the dead man.

the alarm sounds. i awake. 6.53 a.m. i cannot recall the face of the dead man. this
failure of memory causes questioning of reality. was it all a dream. the flecks of blood
on the handle of my hunting knife and on my shirt assure me it was not.

this is the truth:
his face does not matter.
he does not matter.

the blade of the razor runs over my skin. my face glows faintly from the shave. i have
never felt more...more...words fail me. this inexplicable feeling i am experiencing. this
overwhelming feeling of life. of finally realizing myself. of finding my identity.
i am more than i have ever been.
this life i have led for the past twenty-three years. a lie. an unfulfilled existence. i
recognized this long ago. until last nite, i lacked the courage and strength. the strength.
to remedy the situation.
what happens now.
when you wake up and find yourself, it is impossible to go back to the life you once led.
after glimpsing the power of god, the strength of god, in myself, in the grinding sound,
the routines will no longer suffice. i am ready. i own this world. my conscience is clean
and clear. i know what must be done.

i open the door and step into the sun.