14 by wuzhenguang


									Three nuns were killed in a tragic traffic accident and went to
heaven. Saint Peter stood waiting for them at the gate. He
explained to the nuns that he must ask each a question so that
they may prove their worthiness before entering.
Approaching the first one, St. Peter asked, "Who was the first
man on earth?" Without hesitation, the nun replied, "Oh, that
is easy. That was Adam." Angels started singing, the pearly
gates swung open and she was allowed to enter.
Moving to the second one, St. Peter asked, "Who was the first
woman on earth?" Also, without hesitation, she replied, "Oh,
that was Eve." Angels started singing, the pearly gates swung
open and she, too, was allowed to enter.
St. Peter approached the third and asked, "What was the first
thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun began to frantically
think, talking to herself she said, "Darn, that's a hard one."
The angels started singing, the pearly gates swung open and in
she went.

You Know You Have Been A Dispatcher Too Long When...
You spend more on fast food than utilities.
You answer your home phone, "Dispatch!"
The only thing that gets your adrenaline going is the walk to
and from your car.
You find humor in other people's misery.
You consider patience a weakness, not a virtue.
Your idea of a good night involves someone getting shot, chased
or dismembered.
You truly believe that stupidity should be painful.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the
road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under
the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at
the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your
rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are 'round the

A man makes a suggestion to his wife, "Honey, what do you say
that tonight we change positions?"
His wife responds with, "Yes, I would really like that.
Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the
couch and watch TV."

There has long been a rumor that W.R. Grace Co. was going to
buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge
with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new
mega-corporate entity known as, "Hale Mary Fuller Grace."
An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out
an application.
He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to
prove his age. He opened his shirt and showed them the gray
hair on his chest. They accepted that as proof, and gave him
his first check.
He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained
to her what had happened.
She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants,
and see if you can also get disability!"

A man walks into a bar in an Irish part of New York and the
bartender says to him, "Excuse me laddie, did ye know ye got a
steering wheel sticking out of yer fly?"
"Yeah," the man replied, "it's driving me nuts."

An eight-year-old boy is walking down the road one day when a
car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10
and a piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man
driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces
of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side
road. "OK," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50
and all the candy you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he
says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, dad. You'll have
to live with it!"

Advice For Office Managers
If you keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom
drawer, then when a person gets one out you'll get a great view
of their butt.

Little Johnny came home from school one day with a note to his
mother. It read, "Please teach Johnny the difference between
boys and girls."
So the mother took Little Johnny upstairs to her bedroom. She
said, "Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse." So he did.
Then she said, "Johnny, now take off my skirt," which he did.
Then she said, "Johnny, now take off my bra," which he did.
And then she said, "Now, Johnny, take off my panties," which he
And then she said, "Now, Johnny, you have to stop wearing my
clothes to school."
Why Criminals Go To Jail
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that
there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report
called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had
read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They
arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, then a few days
later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At
lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and
thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and
arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had
stolen over the lunch hour.

A new school principal was checking over his school the day
before the first school class day. Passing the stockroom, he
was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in
and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the
arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a principal the previous year had
used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that
at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you
think it's wise to keep the stockroom unlocked and to let the
teachers take things without requisitions?"
The custodian looked at him gravely and said, "We trust them
with the children, don't we?"

The Diva's Prayer
Which Art in Hermes
Hallowed be thy Gucci
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
on Rodeo
As it is in Tiffany's
Give us this day, our Visa Gold
And forgive us this overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
Lead us not into JC Penney
And deliver us from Sears
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace
For Dolce and Gabbana

Renouncing Adulthood
To Whom it May Concern
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of
an 8-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make
ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat
I want to play dodgeball at recess and paint with watercolors
in art.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand
with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't
know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was
to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and
I want to believe that anything is possible.
Somewhere in our youth, we matured and learned too much.
There are nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, and abused children.
Lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain, and death. A world
where companies poison our water and our soil, and children
What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would
live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death?
When the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump
rope from you or picked you last for kickball.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be
overly excited by the little things again.
I want to return to the days when children played hide-and-seek
outside instead of being glued to a television, when video
games were as harmless as Pac-Man...instead of spine-ripping,
blood-splattering mind numbing like Mortal Combat, and TV still
had some shows on that weren't about sex, killing, and lies.
I remember being naive and thinking everyone was happy because
I was. Afternoons were spent climbing trees and fences and
riding my bike.
I never worried about time, bills, or where I was going to find
the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up,
not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains
of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the
month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,
illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word,
truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and
making angels in the snow.
So...here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills
and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch
me first, cause..."Tag! You're it!"
The Difference Between The Sexes
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love
him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker
came by.
She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and
wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such
a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the

Dictionary Of Project Terms
Major Technological Breakthrough -- Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research -- It was
discovered by accident.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen
difficulties -- We are working on something else.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured -- We are so far
behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at
all from us.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period -- We
haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
Test results were extremely gratifying -- It works, and are we
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the
problem -- We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it
around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive -- The darn
thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned -- The only guy
who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor
difficulties -- We threw the whole thing out and are starting
from scratch.

A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to
talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator."
"That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless
"Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps with his mouth
open and the light keeps me awake."

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night
of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale
known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual
relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your
knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real
fancy Jaguars."

Sally was standing vigil over her husband's deathbed. As she
held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face,
splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He
looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Sally," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't
But he was insistent. "Sally," he said in his tired voice. "I
have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Sally. "It's
all right. Everything's all right. Now go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Sally. I slept with your sister,
your best friend and your mother."
Sally mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now
John, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said.
"Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Believe It Or Don't
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he
entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she
greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him,
puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark
again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a
quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Great Adult Truths
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice
it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a
pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car
payment is due.

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and
stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings. One of them picks
it up and answers it.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of
Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But don't you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I
passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their
new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman
and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power
everything, gold colored. What do you think?"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for
$85,000 fully loaded with all the options!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I
hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to
Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool,
tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this
morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would
have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months."
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an
offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would
be perfect for our type of lifestyle."
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer
but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you
later tonight to celebrate!"
"See you tonight, dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks ....
"So, who's phone is this?"

A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant were applying
for the same job.
The interviewer called in the mathematician and asked, "What do
two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replied, "Four."
The interviewer asked "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looked at the interviewer incredulously and
said "Yes, four, exactly, definitively, always!"
Then the interviewer called in the statistician and asked the
same question, "What do two plus two equal?"
The statistician said, "On average, four - give or take ten
percent, but on average, in most instances ... four."
Then the interviewer called in the accountant and posed the
same question, "What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant got up, locked the door, closed the shades, sat
down next to the interviewer and said, "Well sir, with your
current goals, tell me, what do you want it to equal?"

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment.
The sergeant said to him, "We have a critical shortage of
typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this." Then he gave
him a pamphlet to copy, and pointed to a desk across the room
that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point
of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as
many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's
fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk
The sergeant grinned, and then he said, "You passed the test
when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding

One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination.
After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage
Little Johnny's arm.
"I think you'd better bandage the other arm, doc!", said Little
"But, why? I'm supposed to bandage the injected part of your
arm to let your friends know not to touch it." said the doctor.
Johnny replied, "Doc, you really don't know anything about how
my friends behave!"

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and
dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to
mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she
realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even
though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't
there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her,
"Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on
the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms-- is that
really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

Word Association
A psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bi-Polar
"Let us establish some parameters," said the professor. "Now
then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied Bennett.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?"
"Elation, sir."
"And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up, sir."

Believe It Or Don't
FLORENCE, Italy - A most unusual court case of attempted murder
has captivated this historic city. A man, Nicolo Bruni, has
been charged AND CONVICTED of attempted murder of his wife.
It seems he trained their talking bird to drive his wife to
suicide. The bird would constantly repeat, "End it all" and
"Life is not worth living".
The bird was brought in to court and "performed" for the judge.
After hearing the bird, the judge and jury convicted Nicolo.
The bird was not convicted because it was a Minah.

Barbi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so
she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a
while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her
disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so
she calls the video store to complain.
Barbi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of
those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Barbi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner.' "

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers
Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked
around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables
Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned
to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe,
here's that twenty bucks I owe you."
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't
take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged
to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an
excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a
grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather
just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would
have had to!"

Airplane Repair Logs
Some entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on
Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Corrective Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Corrective Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."
Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests
noticed she was putting on a few pounds. "Gaining a little
weight, are we, Sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she was even
larger. "Gaining some weight, are we, Sister Susan?" he asked
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan
pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He went up to her,
leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little

A Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo
LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add no more vood
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGA HERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork

An attractive young thing met her maiden aunt downtown for
lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked
her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the
girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted
by a purse snatcher.
"Help, help!" she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has
taken my aunt's pay - he's taken my aunt's pay!"
"Okay, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig latin and tell me
exactly what happened."

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and
after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to
the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into
your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib,
then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a few seconds he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got
pink booties and I've got blue ones."

Three Bubbas went away on a hunting trip.
Once they'd set up their camp site, they prepared to leave for
the hunt. Unfortunately, they discovered they'd only brought
one hunting rifle along with them. So they decided they'd each
take turns hunting.
The first one headed out and, a few hours later, he returned.
He came back with a raccoon.
The other Bubbas were amazed and asked how he got the raccoon.
"Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot raccoon." he said.
The second Bubba thought that this was going to be easy, so he
headed out.
After a short time, he came back with a bear.
The other two Bubbas asked how he got the bear and he replied,
"Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot bear."
The third Bubba thought that this was so easy, even he could do
He left and came back three days later, battered and bruised.
He looked awful.
The other Bubbas asked what had happened.
He said, "Saw tracks, followed tracks, got hit by train."

A man had just moved to the United States, and he was having
trouble with the English language. He was walking along the
street one day when he passed a liquor store. The man decided
that he could really use a drink, so he decided to go in.
"Excuse me," he said to the clerk. "Where can I find a butt?"
"A butt?" asked the confused worker. "Oh oh, you must mean a
BUD," and he sold the foreign man a six pack of Bud Light.
The man continued walking along, and soon he came upon a
hardware store.
He thought of all the gardening that he had to do at his new
house, so he decided to go in. "Excuse me sir," he said to a
man wearing an apron. "Can you show me where I can find a
fucket?" "A fucket? Oh oh, you must mean a BUCKET," and the
clerk sold the foreigner a 10-gallon bucket.
The man kept walking until he came to a pet store. In the
window, he saw the most beautiful cockerspaniel. He simply had
to have the dog. "Excuse me," he said to the woman behind the
counter. "I want to buy that cockandspankit." "Cockandspankit?"
asked the confused woman. "Oh oh, you must be talking about
that COCKER SPANIEL," and she sold the man the Cocker Spaniel.
The man was headed back home with his purchases, when all of a
sudden, the dog's leash slips out of his hand. The man is
frantic, but he spots a police officer. "Officer!" exclaims the
foreigner. "Would you please hold my butt and fuckit, while I
go get my cockandspankit?"

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any
friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly
bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his
microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators
for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished,
there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was
taking a psychology course at the university.
"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until
next semester."

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished
to meet with the church board following the close of the
However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the
board," said the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored
than I am, I'd like to meet him."

A mommy polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting on an
Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Koala bear?"
Mommy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear."
A few minutes pass.
Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Panda bear?"
Mommy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear!"
A few minutes pass.
Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Grizzly bear?"
Mommy bear: "Look! You are a Polar bear! Why do you keep
Baby bear: "I'm bloody freezing!"

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor
told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with
you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-
year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he
very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he
still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times
a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he asked, "Well, how old was
your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you
are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are
alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season
and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said
the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he
is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your
grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he
wanted to?"

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally,
it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor
walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five
minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same
conductor walking by again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we
catch up with the cow again?"

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me
if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO

A Quickie Quiz
1. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
2. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the
opposite sex. What is it?
3. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
4. More women do this in the bathroom than men. What is it?
Answers: 1. Conception. 2. Skinny dipping. 3. Their birthplace.
This is called propinquity. 4. Wash their hands. Women 80% -
Men 55%.

An attorney went into a bar for a martini and found himself
beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying
something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held
the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks
plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But
it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and
feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his
thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and
licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like
rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know
what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."
Small Talk With Your Date's Father
"Show me how you used to spank her."
"I believe being sexually active since I was 9 has helped me
"So, does your wife just lay there during sex, too?"

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he
came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with
me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there
to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I
got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave
me support. When my health started failing, you were still by
my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

The Knock-Knock Joke
Who's there?
Tally who?
What are you, a fox hunter?

A duck walks into a bar. Cutest little duck you've ever seen.
He walks up to the bartender and asks, "You got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes." The duck
walks out.
The next day, the same duck walks in and goes up to the
bartender. The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "Look, I told ya yesterday we ain't got no
grapes." The duck walks out.
The next day, here comes the duck, up to the bartender. The
bartender looks at him, and asks, "What'll it be today?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender is pissed now, and he says, "Look pal, you come
in here one more time and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your
beak to the bar! You hear me!?" The duck walks out.
The next day, same duck comes right up to the bartender. The
bartender looks at him across the bar and says, "Yeah?"
The duck says, "Got any nails?"
The bartender, kinda confused says, "No."
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden --
a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that
she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be
really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old
woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh... Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome
than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees
weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear,
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Let's Work That Attitude, 1-2-3
Overheard halfway through the first aerobics session at a local
gym: "If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them
on my knees."

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years,
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten
years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to
their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen,
master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all
this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the
championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They
would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the
course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet
lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St.
Peter replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the
old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part--you can eat as much
as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick. This is, after all, Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down
his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him
what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This
is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins,
I could have been here ten years ago!"
Performance Reviews
"Since my last review he has hit rock bottom and has started to
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
"This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her
sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone
Star State.
She had wanted to taste some real Texas Barbecue, take in a
bona fide Texas Rodeo and have sex with a Texan.
Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how
she fared.
"Let me tell you, Buffy," she confided, "they have an
indigenous bush down there called Mesquite--and when they slow
cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not
only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief!
"And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes!
These guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain. Except
they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge
bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by
the horns and throw them to the ground, and tie 'em up. And
that's not all! It's a race! They ALL do it and only the
fastest gets prize money!"
"Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love
to a Texan! What happened?"
"Well," Virginia said, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I
was at the rodeo and I saw the outline of the condoms in the
back pocket of those Texans' jeans, I changed my mind!"

A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was
standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in,
turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she
proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the
knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the
knob producing yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to
her. He said, "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"

Mr. Smith hired himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet,
and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed
his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Smith,
your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark. But later, he happened to
look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have
some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the
way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this
morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no, sir. All
I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have
a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my
John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat
you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her."

The Work Equations
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

The Equations Of The Sexes
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

By the time John pulled into the little town, every room in the
only hotel was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded. “Or just a
bed -- I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the
manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell
you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining
rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth
it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. When asked about how he slept, he replied, “Never
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?”
“Nope. I shut him up in no time.”
“How’d you manage that?”
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,”
John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,
‘Goodnight, beautiful.’ With that he sat up all night watching

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch
about his first visit to a big-city church. “When I got there,
they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I
sat down beside her.”

A man left work and headed home one Friday afternoon. However,
being that it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out
the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his
entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was
confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday came and went, and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The detective was leafing through the suspect’s folder. “Hmm,
quite a record,” he said. “Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly
conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault,
“Yeah, I know.” said the felon. “It took me quite a while to
figure out what I was good at.”

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska
arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The
Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker
can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to
peck a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker
challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that
no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it.
After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in
Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn’t figure out why the Texas
woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan
woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was
able to peck the tree in their own state.
After thinking for some time they both came to the same
conclusion that, “your pecker is always harder when you’re away
from home.”

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were
two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult
lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball
history in the winter, and they examined every box score during
the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed
that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the
other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching
the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s
voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed, “So tell me, is there
baseball in heaven?”
“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which
do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven,
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on
the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get
me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down
next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get
me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re
going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV?
You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore .
. .”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint
Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea
the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk
instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane
mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein,”
he says. “Welcome to heaven.”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly
stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim
to be,” he says. “Come on in.”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter
scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed
to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and

Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one
morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they
met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he
greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.
“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,” said
Tracy, the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”
“Great! What are we having for breakfast?” asked Scott.
“Toast and juice,” replied Tracy.

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a
restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a
nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved
his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again,
he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him
for his services.
“Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.
“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have
offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

“Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,” little
Joshua said to his uncle, the first time he saw him after the
holidays. “It’s the best present I ever got.”
“That’s great,” said his uncle. “Do you know how to play it?”
“Oh, I don’t play it,” the little fellow said. “My mom gives me
a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives
me five dollars a week not to play it at night.”

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and
grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said
that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Oh, Morris.” said grandma, “You’ve been going to that park for
over 30 years! How could you get lost?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear,
Morris whispered, “I wasn’t lost, I was just too tired to walk

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were
working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said,
“Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I
bet it’s as big as the gas grill now.”
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a
yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s
“Yep,” he said, “Just what I thought, just about the same
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the
gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to her
husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to
his wife and said, “How about it, hon? How about a little
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the
cold shoulder. “What’s the matter?” he asked.
To which she replied, “You don’t think I’m going to fire up
this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?”

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits
of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m
getting a boob job.”
The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of
having my asshole bleached!”
To which the first replies, “Whoa I just can’t picture your
husband as a blonde!”

My wife and I get along just great, except that she’s a
“backseat driver” second to none. After years of putting up
with her pestering, I finally decided I’d had enough and
advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the car.
Later that day, on my way home from doing some Christmas
shopping at the mall, I heard my cell phone ring as I was
merging onto a freeway.
I quickly fumbled for the phone to answer the call. It was my
wife calling.
By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me.
“Honey,” she said, “your turn signal is still on. And put on
your lights; it’s starting to rain.”

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl
named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her
way to New York where before long, she became a successful
performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a
Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had
always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began
asking her about her work. She explained that she was an
acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she
did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena’s acrobatics with wide
eyes, and one said to the other: “Will you just look at the
penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this night, and me
without me bloomers on!”

Seven-year old Little Mary told her mom, “A boy in my class
asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” her mother nervously sighed. “What happened,
“Not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed
the insurance company.”

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a
pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of
companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the
parish priest.
“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass
for the creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I am so very sorry to hear about your
dog’s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. However, there’s a new denomination down
the road--no telling what they believe--but maybe they’ll do
something for the animal.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough
to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick: “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!”

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing
up your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Bob had this problem -- he always woke up late and would be
late for work.
After years of putting up with his tardiness, his boss
threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor during his lunch hour. His doctor
gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
That afternoon Bob informed his boss that he had this “magic
pill” that would help him with his tardiness problem.
That night, he took the pill. He got a great night’s sleep and
actually beat the alarm in the morning. Then, after a leisurely
breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
At work, Bob said to his boss, “The pill actually worked!”
“That’s great,” replied his boss, “But where the heck were you

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of
medical students.
“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left
fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you
do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer
about Mad Cow Disease. “Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what
might be the cause of the disease?”
“Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?”
“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?”
“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”
“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”
“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your tits twice a
day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad,

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, “The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow’s stall. You show him where it is.”
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial
insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows
until she sees the nail.
She says, “This is the one, right here.”
The man says, “How do you know?”
Amy says, “By the nail over its stall.”
The man says, “What’s the nail for?”
Amy says, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

In an American History discussion group, the professor was
trying to explain that society’s ideal of beauty changes with
“For example,” noted the professor, “take the 1921 Miss
America. She stood five feet one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds
and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in
today’s version of the contest?”
The class fell silent for a moment.
Then one student piped up, “Not very well.”
“Why is that?” asked the professor.
“For one thing,” the student pointed out, “she’d be way too

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answers little Johnny.
“What comes after six?”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What
comes after ten?”
Little Johnny smiles and says, “A Jack.”

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?” he asked.
She responded, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how
beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My
dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his
hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was
most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked,
“how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears
completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question
which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around
the world and died during one of them. Which one?’
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
“You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must
confess I don’t know much about history.”

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was
fuming. Her outrage increased as the clock ticked later and
later. Finally, at about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front
door. As she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her
husband - as drunk as a skunk and trying to navigate his way up
the stairs.
“Do you realize what time it is?” she yelled.
He answered, “Don’t get excited, I’m late because I bought
something for the house.”
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the
stairs to meet him halfway, she asked excitedly, “What did you
buy for the house, dear?”
“A round of drinks!” replied the drunken slob.

What College   Grads Ask ...
The graduate   with a Science degree asks ...
“Why does it   work?”
The graduate   with an Engineering degree asks ...
“How does it   work?”
The graduate   with a Business Administration degree asks ...
“When will it work?”
The graduate with a Finance degree asks ...
“When will it turn a profit?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks ...
“How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Economics degree asks ...
“Will there be demand for it?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks ...
“Would you like fries with that?”

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting
alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for
a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to
her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her
flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from
his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he
asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some
matches in the top drawer,” she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. “Is this your
husband?” he inquires nervously.
“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?”
“No, don’t be daft,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of
her face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.”

What We Learn At An Early Age
No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch
the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to
begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury
selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and
dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror, Dan O’Keefe, was called for his question
He was asked, “Property holder?”
Dan replied, “Yes, I am, Your Honor.”
Then he was asked, “Married or single?”
Dan responded, “Married for twenty years, Your Honor.”
Then the judge asked, “Formed or expressed an opinion?”
Dan stated with certainty, “Not in twenty years, Your Honor.”

A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in distress.
The Coast Guard captain, trying to get the yacht’s location,
called to the yacht’s owner on the radio.
The officer asked, “What is your position? Repeat, what is your
The reply came back from the skipper of the yacht, “My position
- well I’m Marketing Director of a medium-sized computer
software company in the East Midlands.”

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle
asleep on a log.
The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle
clear across the river.
“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.
“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out
of my trunk 47 years ago.”
“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.
“Yes,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.”

Things you don’t want to hear at a tattoo parlor:
“Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.”
“We’re all out of red, so I used pink.”
“There are 2 O’s in Bob, right?”
“That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti
“Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.”
“Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back
“I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.”
“The flag’s all done and, you know what - the folds of fat make
a nice waving effect.”

A young woman, on vacation in Los Angeles, was a little star
struck. One night she was dining out, when she suddenly stopped
eating and summoned the waiter.
“That’s Brad Pitt at that table over there, isn’t it?” she
asked excitedly.
He informed her that it was.
“Well, he’s annoying me!” she said.
“Annoying you?” the waiter raised an eyebrow. “How can that be?
He hasn’t even looked at you!”
“That,” said the woman, “is what’s annoying me.”

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to
its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field
engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of
this memo was quite serious.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit.)
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement
of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained
personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls
by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture
of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off
method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However,
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge
of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and George W. Bush are attending a
peace conference in Central America when the meetings are
disrupted by revolutionary forces. The three are captured and
swiftly set to face a firing squad.
Bill Clinton is the first one placed against the wall and just
before the order is given he yells out, “Earthquake!” The
firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall
and escapes in the confusion.
Jimmy Carter is the second one placed against the wall. The
squad is reassembled and Jimmy ponders what he had just
witnessed. Again before the order is given, Jimmy yells out,
“Tornado!” And again the squad falls apart and Jimmy slips over
the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He
begins to think, “I see the pattern here--just scream out
something about a disaster and hop over the wall.” He
confidently refuses the blindfold as the firing squad is
As the rifles are raised in his direction he grins from ear to
ear and yells, “Fire!”

The parents of a young boy went into his room and found him
When asked why he was crying, he responded, “I ate a penny and
now it is gone.”
The father thought quickly, reached into his pocked and pulled
out a penny; he then “pulled the penny out of the boy’s ear.”
The boy laughed, took the penny and swallowed it and said, “Do
it again!”
It was nearly 7 o’clock when an employee walked into a
restaurant after working overtime for a demanding and demeaning
As he was being led to his table, he noticed his supervisor at
another table arguing with the waiter about his order.
Finally, the waiter turned and headed toward the bar.
As the waiter was returning to the supervisor’s table with a
drink, the employee stopped him saying, “There’s $20.00 in it
for you if you will spit in that drink.”
With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied, “Again?”

A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.
“Your finances are in terrible shape,” the banker stated. “Your
checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue.”
“Yes, I know.” said the man. “It’s my wife, she is out of
“Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?”
asked the banker.
“Frankly,” replied the man with a deep sigh, “because I’d
rather argue with you than with her.”

Mary and Jill met at a local coffee shop and were having a
heart-to-heart chat about relationships.
Jill said, “I can’t understand why men are so afraid of
Mary stated in agreement, “Tell me about it! I dated one guy
for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an
“What did you say?” asked Jill.
“I just told him, ‘Look, either you tell me your last name, or
it’s over!’” replied Mary.

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid
jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us
grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a
loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take
this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas
knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop
this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet
jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head
joke. If we don’t get our way we will not date anybody that
ain’t blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will
Sined by the blonds at the ofise

In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter
was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the
chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members
of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be
The man on the phone responded, “This winter is indeed going to
be very cold.”
So the Chief went back to encourage his people to collect even
more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National
Weather Service again, and asked again, “Is it going to be a
very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out
and bring back every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
“Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very
“Absolutely” the man replies, “the Indians are collecting wood
like crazy!”

One evening a man was very impressed with the meal his wife had
served. “What did you marinate this in?” he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how
much she loves him and how life wouldn’t be the same without
him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her
answer with a question of her own, “What did you ask me?”
She chuckled at his answer and explained, “I thought you asked
me if I would marry you again!”
As she left the room, he called out, “Well, would you marry me
Without hesitation, she replied, “Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she
came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how
to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with
her. “Why are we so happy?” he asked.
She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
“Great” he said, “tell me what you’re so happy about.”
She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. “I’m
pregnant!” she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while.
He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how
wonderful it was, and that he couldn’t be happier.
Then she said, “Oh, honey there’s more.”
“What do you mean more?” he asked.
“Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he
asked her how she knew.
“It was easy,” she said, “I went to the pharmacy and bought the
2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they
got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other, the
groom broom.
Their wedding day came ...
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, during the wedding reception, the bride
broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, “I think I am
going to have a little whisk broom!”
“IMPOSSIBLE!” said the groom broom. “We haven’t even swept

The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really
worried about her mother.
The friend inquired as to the reason for her worrying.
The teen-aged beauty informed her friend that her mom was
always fatigued from staying up all night long.
Her friend asked, “At her age, that’s not good at all. What’s
she doing staying up all night?”
The beauty replied, “Waiting for me to come home.”

- A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because
his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: “I have
gone to the bridge club. There’ll be a recipe for your dinner
at 7 o’clock on Channel 2.”
- A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she
“beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without
asking for permission.”
- A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for
divorce because his wife “was always nagging him in sign
- A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because
he forced her to “duck under the dashboard whenever they drove
past his girlfriend’s house.”
- A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the
grounds that he “stayed home too much and was much too

An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a muscular guy. Then
the alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says,
“bloop, bloop, bloop!”
The guy looks at him and says,” If you do that again I will cut
your head off with this here knife!”
The alien just did it again and said “bloop, bloop, bloop!” In
anger the guy cuts off the alien’s head. Immediately another
one grows back. Then the alien pushes his finger into the guy’s
shoulder and says, “bloop, bloop, bloop!”
The guy says, “If you do that again, I will cut off your dick!”
The alien did it again so in his anger the guy pulls down the
aliens pants and is shocked to see that there is no dick! In
his astonishment he asks, “If you don’t have a dick, then how
do you have sex?”
The alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says,
“bloop, bloop, bloop!”

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
“Have you ever seen one of these before?” one asked.
“Yeah, my mom and dad have one,” the other replied.
“What’s it for?” asked the first boy.
“I don’t know,” the second boy answered. “All I can tell you is
that if you stand on it, it makes you mad.”

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown
over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences
are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to
make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place--
the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent
condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock
happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have
accomplished together!”
“Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “It’s quite astounding when
you consider what the farm was like when God was working it

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of
an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St.
The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to
contact the coroner’s office, and when he came back he was
horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going
at is as hard as he could.
“Pierre, Pierre!” shouted the gendarme. “That woman--she is
“Dead!” howled Pierre, jumping up. “Sacre bleu! I took her for
an American!”

The advertising team of a company, selling top-of-the-line
business computers, proposed sponsoring a major golf tournament
on television.
When the ad campaign was approved without delay, a curious
vice-president asked the head of the ad team how he had
persuaded the usually reluctant Chairman Of The Board.
“It sold itself,” the ad man said.
“How?” asked the vice-president.
The ad man explained, “When the Chairman first heard the idea,
he asked, ‘Why on earth would you want to sponsor a golf
tournament? The only ones who watch them are people like me!’
Then he paused and said, ‘Oh.’ ”

A guy starts chatting with a girl in a bar.
“What’s your name?” he asks.
“Carmen,” she says. “I had my name changed from ‘Mary Lou’ to
‘Carmen’, because I love cars and men.”
“I see,” he says.
“What’s your name?” she asks him.
He thought for a second. “Beerfuck.”

Things To Do When Your ISP Goes Down
1. Dial 911 Immediately.
2. Open curtains to see if anything has changed the past 2
3. You mean there’s something else to do?
4. Threaten to sue your ISP for cruel and unusual punishment.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.

Candi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line
for the counter.
Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, “I’d
like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke.”
The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to
Candi, “Ma’am, this is the library.”
Candi nods, then whispers, “I’d like a Big Mac, large fries,
and a large Coke.”

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
absolutely guaranteed to make her look years younger.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours
applying the “miracle” products. Finally, when she was done,
she turned to her husband and said, “Hon, honestly now, what
age would you say I am?”
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, “Well,
hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen.
Your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you’re so sweet!”
“Well, hang on, I’m not done adding it up yet.”
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally
managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking
forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the
stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with
an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were
pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could
have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

Too honest
During the corporation’s staff meeting of all Headquarters and
field personnel, the CEO snapped to his secretary, “Miss
Mansfield, how can I be expected to take notes? Where is my
gold pen?”
“The last I saw it sir,” the secretary answered sweetly, “it
was still on your night table.”

“You seem to have a cracked vertebrae,” the Emergency Room
doctor told the high school aged boy. “What happened?”
“Well, you see,” the teenager replied, “I was kissing my girl
good-night and damned if her brother didn’t come out the back
door and step right in the middle of my back.”

A spokesperson for the National Gay Rights Organization was
asked to comment on the state of Maine’s recent repeal of their
Gay Rights Law. He said, “Well, there for a while, it looked
like it could go either way.”

Angus, a young handsome blonde Scottish lad, and a young lass
were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just
gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl
looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ ... perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on
the cheek.
Angus blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus.”
The young man knit his brow. “Well, now,” he said, “my thoughts
are a bit more serious this time.”
“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad. “Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid
me that first penny?”
At Dyess Air Force Base, the Airman on the switchboard in the
Comm Center answered a call at the “Military Affiliated Radio
System” (MARS) with: “MARS Station, Airman Smith speaking.”
There was as a gasp on the other end, then a woman’s voice
said, “Good Heavens! I must have mis-dialed. I didn’t even know
we had people stationed on Mars now anyway.” And she hung up.

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and was
settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one
night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, “I
have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I
wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?”
“I’ll ask her,” the young man responded. He opened his door and
called out, “Honey, would you like to see ‘Oliver Twist’
“Hey, pal,” she retorted. “If you show me one more trick with
that thing, I’m going home to mother.”

A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-
cent piece was being issued to honor two great American
patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt
and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked by a reporter why two people were going to be on the same
coin, the official replied, “We selected these two men to make
life simpler for the vast majority of Americans.”
The reporter then asked, “How can this make life simpler for
The official responded, “Well, now, when they toss a coin they
can simply call, ‘Ted’s or Hale’s’.”

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he’s
shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the
strawberries to fertilize them.
The kid says, “Hey, Pop, learned in college there’s an easy way
to do everything.”
They go downtown and get some dynamite, they’re gonna rig it up
under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch.
They get it all rigged up, but they don’t see Grandma coming to
use the outhouse.
The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She lands
in the strawberries!
They go running up to her, “Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you
all right? Are you all right?”
She says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Whoo! I’m certainly glad I didn’t
let that one go in the kitchen!”

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him
his second drink and said, “What’s wrong, pal?”
“I’ll never understand women.” Max said. “The other night my
wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as
her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted.”
“Wow!” said the bartender. “But why so unhappy? That sounds
like quite a gift to me.”
“Well, “ Max went on, “I thought about it and sent her home to
her Mother. Now she won’t even speak to me.”

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into a brand new
house in a development nearby.
Very early the next morning, our 3 year-old ran in to our
bedroom to wake us up.
I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit
bothering us.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back.
“Mommy, Mommy,” he exclaimed, “Everybody has doorbells - and
they all work!”

I’m majoring in Psychology at a local college. I’ve taken about
a dozen Psychology courses so far, including an upper-level
course on Child Psychology. However, the lectures and case-
studies that I was exposed to at school did not seem to prepare
me for what happened with my own child a few weeks ago.
My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-
year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our poodle’s leash.
Suddenly his fuming father appeared and said to Steven, “Do you
want to tell me how sorry you are?”
Steven replied, “I’m not sure how sorry I am, because I don’t
know how much you saw!”

Procrastinator’s Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or
find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from
missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,
and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits
of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m
getting a boob job.”
The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of
having my asshole bleached!”
To which the first replies, “Whoa! I just can’t picture your
husband as a blonde!”

There was a wealthy 70-year-old man who had just married a
beautiful 25-year-old young lady.
One of his long time friends said to him, “How did you get that
gorgeous woman to marry a 70-year-old guy like you?”
The man leaned over and said to his friend, “It was easy. I
simply told her that I was 90.”

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, “What’s your pleasure?”
The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian Club.”

Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given
birth to triplets.
“You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times,”
said the one.
“Amazing!” said the other. “How did she ever find time to do
any housework?”

A little girl was   wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her   what the bracelet was for.
She replied, “I’m   allergic to nuts and eggs.”
The person asked,   “Are you also allergic to cats?”
The girl quipped,   “I don’t know ... I haven’t eaten one yet.”

John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve,
walked over and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“It’s my mother-in-law,” John replied, while shaking his head
sadly. “I have a real problem with her.”
“Cheer up,” Steve said. “Everyone has problems with their
“Yeah,” John answered. “But not everybody gets theirs

Both Sides
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything
much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I
thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could
talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he’s
STILL acting a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and
start to wonder whether it’s me or something else.
I ask him, and he says no. But you know I’m not really sure. So
anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and
he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this
means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We
finally get back to his place and I’m wondering if he’s going
to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I’m going to go to sleep. Then, after about
10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed
really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do
you think he’s met someone else?
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

A young lady was to be married on short notice but still wanted
an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed
when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting
guests to the reception.
Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280
copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.
Family and friends were surprised to read: “Conception
immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the
Holiday Inn.
“Everyone is invited.”

A guy was in the South of France, and could not understand why
his friend had attracted all the girls at the beach, while he
pulled nothing.
So he asked him, “Why do you get all the girls and I get
He replied, “Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks.
It drives the women wild!”
So, the guy stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and
down the beach. Many hours later, he still had no woman. He
went to see his friend again and said, “I’ve tried it and it
doesn’t work!”
His friend looked at the guy and said, “Have you tried putting
the potato in the front?”

The cannibal went to the witch doctor complaining of an upset
stomach after eating his last meal. The witch doctor queried
him about what he had eaten.
The cannibal replied, “I had one of those guys who wears a
hooded robe with a knotted rope down the side, and he was
carrying a rosary.”
“Well, how did you cook him?” the witch doctor asked.
“I boiled him,” he replied.
“Well, that’s your problem. You prepared him all wrong,” said
the witch doctor. “You should have known he was a friar!”

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once
all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
“Okay Simpson,” says the investigator, “you were near the
scene, what happened?”
“Well, it’s like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing
room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and
light up.”
“He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in
stunned horror, “How long had he been with the company?”
“About 20 years, sir.”
“Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match
in the mixing room? I’d have thought it would have been the
last thing he’d have done.”
“It was, sir.”

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a
policeman ran up to help.
“My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!” the shaken man
told the cop.
“The car hit you from behind,” the officer said. “How could you
tell it was your mother-in-law?”
“I recognized her laugh!”

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his
mother, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you, with all the
muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father,” said the mother.
The boy seemed astonished as he said to his mom, “Then who’s
that old baldheaded fat man that lives with us now?”

Three old ladies were sitting in a diner, chatting about
various things.
One lady said, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This
morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I
couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go
The second lady said, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I
was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember
whether I was going to bed or had just woke up!”
The third lady smiled smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good
as it’s always been, knock on wood,” and she rapped on the
With a startled look on her face, she asked, “Who’s there?”
A young man is nearing the end of his senior year in high
school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his
younger brother, who is 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little
fun. The boys have bunk beds and the guy notices that his
little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and
his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy,
remembering that his little brother is sleeping below, tells
his girlfriend to whisper “lettuce” if she wants it harder and
“tomato” if she wants a new position.
Pretty soon she starts panting “lettuce, tomato, lettuce,
tomato, lettuce, lettuce...”
The little brother is awakened by the noise and shouts up,
“Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there? You’re
getting mayonnaise all over my face.”

London -- Fire-fighters thought they had caught an escaped
convict when a man walked into their station in handcuffs, a
military uniform and covered in mud, a fire spokesman said
But a call to his girlfriend revealed the embarrassed
“prisoner” had been “having a bit of fun” with her when the key
went missing, said station officer Mick Rowlands at
Kidderminster fire station, Worchestershire, in central

A Fort Lauderdale motorcycle cop was on patrol one bright sunny
December afternoon, when he came upon a line of cars stopped at
a light with horns a-blasting.
He stopped behind the last car in line. Then he noticed the
reason for the noise. The light directing that lane of traffic
was green. He pulled out of line and pulled up alongside the
first car in line to see what the problem was.
The car was a big Cadillac driven by an elderly woman. The lady
appeared to be well into her 80’s, if not over 90 years-old.
The officer motioned for her to roll down her window, which she
promptly did. He then asked her why she was stopped when the
light was green.
She said, “Oh, because I’m on my way to my sister’s house which
is that way,” and she pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, “Well go ahead! The light is green.”
The woman responded, “But the sign under the light says ‘RIGHT

More Signs
Sign on an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts
Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best Place in town to take
a leak
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action
On Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push”
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian
except the dog
Optometrist’s Office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place
Scientist’s Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
Podiatrist’s Window: Time wounds all heels
Butcher’s window; Let me meat your needs
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Sign on Fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive”
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet--miss a
car payment

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning,   “We’ve got such
a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers   every morning.”
Her husband replied, “Well, lots of dogs can do   that.”
The wife responded, “But we’ve never subscribed   to any papers!”

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig

A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was
telling the younger men how he handled officers during his
years of service:
“It didn’t matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral,
or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly
where to get off.”
“Wow, you musta been something,” one of the admiring young
soldiers remarked. “What was your job in the service?”
The retired corporal replied, “Elevator operator at the

Q: What’s dumb?
A: Directions on toilet paper.
Q: What’s dumber than that?
A: Reading them.
Q: Even dumber?
A: Reading them and learning something.
Q: Dumbest of all?
Q: Reading them and having to correct something you’ve been
doing wrong!

When my son first started dating he said, “I want to marry a
good woman, a smart woman, one who’ll be a good mother to our
kids, a woman who will make me happy.”
I told him he’d better make up his mind.

The coed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me
some terrible financial advice!” she cried.
“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.
“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big
bank is in trouble.”
“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in
the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”
“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my
checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he
asked his female secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member
skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking
to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and
asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty
minutes ago?”
“Yes,” the golfer responded.
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the
trees and off the course?”
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.
“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out
onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The
car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a
fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and
the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, “I think
I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip, and lower
my right thumb.”

The clerk at the department store requested identification from
a customer who had just written a personal check for her
After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what
she said was the only thing that bore both her name and
It was a notice from her bank regarding an “Insufficient Funds”
check she’d recently written.

Two mice go into a warehouse looking for food. Suddenly one
hears the other chewing.
“What did you find?” he asks.
“I am not sure,” comes the answer. “It looks like a piece of
celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from
‘Gone with the Wind’”.
“And how is it?”
“Nothing much. The book was better.”

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
I inquired as to what she was doing.
She said she was shopping on the Internet, and that they asked
for a credit card number, so she was using the “ATM thingy.”

An attractive young lady, chaperoned by an unattractive old
lady, entered the doctor’s office.
“We have come for an examination,” said the young lady.
“Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take
your clothes off.”
“No, not me,” said the young lady. “It’s my aunt here.”
“Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick out your tongue.”

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was
unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.
“I certainly don’t want to frighten you into a decision,” he
announced, standing up to leave. “Please sleep on it tonight,
and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.”

It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Crawley.
The teacher asked the children their names one at a time. She
came to a little Pakistani boy and asked his name.
“Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee,” he replied.
“How do you spell that?” asked the teacher.
“My mother helps me,” said the little boy.

Have you heard about the next planned “Survivor” show?
The producer of “Survivor” plans to enlist 12 men who will be
dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each of
whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or
dance class) and no access to fast food.
They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving
at least a “B+” on all papers), complete one science project,
cook (they can bring one cookbook), do laundry, etc. They have
access to television only when the kids are asleep and all
chores are done, and none of the TVs have remotes. Also, they
have to shave their legs and wear makeup which they must apply
themselves while making six lunches.
The competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA
meeting and accurately reporting the results; cleaning up after
a sick child at 3 a.m.; making an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and getting a 4-year-old
to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off.
The winner gets to go back to his job.

A man walked into a hardware store to purchase a flashlight.
The eager clerk showed the man his top-of-the-line unit for
“Fifty bucks for that!” exclaimed the man.
“Yes, sir. It’s the best and the only model I recommend,” said
the clerk.
“You can’t be serious. I want to see a cheaper model,” said the
customer, showing a bit of impatience.
“Afraid not,” continued the clerk. “It’s either this model or
“Well you can just shove it up your ass!” the customer fumed.
The clerk was a bit miffed, motioned over his boss and
explained the situation. His boss turned to the customer and
demanded an apology.
“OK, I guess I was a little quick on the trigger,” he said to
the boss. He then turned to the clerk, looked him in the eye,
and said, “Alright, you may remove the flashlight from your

After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at
the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted
out, “Mom, my teacher was asking me today if I have any
brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.”
The boy’s mother replied, “That’s nice of her to take such an
interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are an
only child?”
She just said, “Thank goodness!”

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a
baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the
laboring mother and her five-year-old child. The doctor
instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so,
the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted
the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to
get him to take his first breath.
“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up
there in the first place!”

Actual Court Transcripts
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and
pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after
followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to
have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car
and right now he’s out on a big date.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports
equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I
wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”

A woman army driver, after a long drive, arrived at her
destination, a remote camp, at midnight.
The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and
then said, “Where will you sleep tonight?”
She said, “Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, “It’s a cold night,
tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I’ll sleep on
the floor.” The girl eagerly accepted the offer.
After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant
sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to
squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado, the
sarge got in and then said, “Do you want to sleep single or
The girl giggled and said, “It’d be nice if we slept ‘married’
don’t you think so?”
“Well okay, if that’s what you want, we’ll sleep ‘married’
then,” he said, turning his back on her, and fell asleep.

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the
attention of the sociologists at the state university.
They wrote a grant proposal, got a huge chunk of money, hired a
few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family
planning and birth control specialist. Then they moved to town,
rented offices, set up their computers, got squared away and
began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research
effort, the project director decided to go to the local
drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter,
ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the
druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had
any idea why the birth rate was so high.
“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clock train
comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes
everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and
it’s too early to get up.”

While on maternity leave, a woman from the office brought in
her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with
Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked,
“Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”
“What do you say?” she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”
The woman reached into her purse and gave her son the money.

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farm boy. One day, she
went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they finished
eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the
pasture. While they were walking they came upon two horses that
were mating. She looked at them with wonder as she’d never seen
anything like this before. She asked her boyfriend, “What are
they doing?”
He said, “They’re making love.”
“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she
“Oh, uh, that’s his rope,” he answered.
“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she
He said, “Those are his knots.”
She said, “Oh, OK. I got it.”
As they continued their stroll, they came to a barn and went
in. She looked at him and said, “I want you to make love to me
the way those animals did.”
Surprised and excited, the boy agreed. While they were getting
at it, all hot and heavy, she grabbed his balls and squeezed
them. “Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouted.
The girl innocently replied, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get
more rope.”

A boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole
staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up during
the lunch hour.
Everybody laughed uproariously, except for one young woman.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a
sense of humor?” he asked.
“I don’t have to laugh,” she said. “Friday is my last day
working here.”

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence
indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s
closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would
probably be convicted, decided on a ploy.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you
all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom!”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing
Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore
put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to
whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict
of not guilty.”
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few
minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” the lawyer asked. “You must have had some doubt, I
saw all of you stare at the door.”
“Oh, yes,” the jury foreman replied: “We all looked -- but your
client didn’t!”

Police in Edmond, Okla., issued an arrest warrant recently for
Edward M. Jennings, 37, as the man who toured flea markets,
pawn shops, and swap meets over the last two years attempting
to sell his homemade box, rigged with computer parts, as an
“atomic bomb” for $1 million. Because Jennings was on the lam,
he was unavailable to tell why he thought someone at a flea
market might have $1 million to spend on an atomic bomb.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo.
When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at
the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of
the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast
as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all
know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption
of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine.

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his
mother, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you, with all the
muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father.” said the mother.
The boy seemed astonished as he said to his mom, “Then who’s
that old baldheaded fat man that lives with us now?”

Three old college roommates got together regularly over the
years, even though their professional lives differed widely:
one had become an attorney, one a professor of Italian
literature, and the third a zoologist.
At their most recent meeting, they were all feeling pretty
depressed, and it turned out that each had been told by his
doctor that he had only six months to live.
Understandably, the conversation turned to the way in which
each intended to live out his last days.
“I’m going to Tanzania,” said the zoologist. “I’ve always
wanted to see the rare mountain gorilla in its native habitat.”
“Italy for me. I want to see where Dante was born, to be buried
near the great man. And you?” asked the professor, turning to
the third friend. “What would you like to see?”
“Another doctor!” said the attorney.

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining
of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a
hen. The elephant complained, “Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have
given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!”
The Lord said, “Don’t complain. It lets you pick up food,
drink, and water without getting wet!”
Next the giraffe complained, “Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It
makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh
at me!”
The Lord said, “Don’t complain. It lets you pick the best fruit
and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a
The hen spoke up, “Lord, I don’t want to complain, but either
let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs.”

A college drama group presented a play during which one
character stands on a trapdoor and announces, “I descend into
hell!” A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor
would open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received.
When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who
was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor
announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope
and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No
amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony yelled: “Hallelujah! Hell is full!”

There was a wealthy 70 year-old man who had just married a
beautiful 25 year-old young lady.
One of his long time friends said to him, “How did you get that
gorgeous woman to marry a 70-year-old guy like you?”
The man leaned over and said to his friend, “It was easy. I
simply told her that I was 90.”

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was
transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to
quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that even though he would be passing
up a big salary increase and greater benefits, he was just too
afraid of all the crime and did not desire to risk being mugged
just to get to work.
His co-worker asked him to reconsider and he noted that Chicago
was a magnificent city, with world-class museums, loaded with a
great history, sites, good public transportation, etc..
Then he said, “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10
years, and in all that time I never had a problem with crime
while I was working.”
The first asked, “What type of work did you do there?”
To which the other replied, “Oh, I rode as an armed security
guard on a Brink’s armored car.”

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man.
He would complain about everything. One day he went to the
creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got
annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, each time a man walked by to pay condolences to
her, the widow shook her head “yes” and each time a woman
walked by, the widow shook her head “no”.
The minister got curious and went up to her and asked, “Why are
you shaking your head ‘yes’ to the men that approach you and
‘no’ to the women that do so?”
She said, “The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I
was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be fine.’ When the women walked by, they
were asking if the mule was for sale.”

Peter walked up to his teacher’s desk, holding a report card
with a big red “F”.
“I’m VERY worried for you Mrs. Applebee. If I were you,” said
Peter, “I would change this while you still can.”
“Why is that?” asked the teacher.
“Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more
failing report card, someone was going to get a beating.”

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas
of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state
penitentiary. “What was he sentenced for?” asked the Governor
“For stealing a loaf of bread,” nervously replied the
offender’s wife.
“Is he a good husband?”
“No,” she replied frankly, blushing a bit. “He beats me when he
gets drunk, he bullies our children, he’s unfaithful, and
really not much good at all.”
“It sounds to me as though you’re better off without him,” said
the Governor. “Why on earth do you want him out of jail?”
“Well,” she explained, “we’re out of bread again.”

When old Mr. O’Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In
preparation, Mrs. O’Leary called the undertaker aside for a
little private talk.
“Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely.
No one but me knew he was bald,” she confided, “and he could
never rest in peace if anyone found out. Our friends from the
old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head
before they’re through paying their last respects.”
“Rest assured, Mrs. O’Leary,” comforted the undertaker. “I’ll
fix it so that toupee will never come off.”
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving the
corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in
place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O’Leary offered
the undertaker an extra hundred bucks for handling the matter
so efficiently.
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept your money,” protested the
undertaker. “What’s a few nails?”

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer
and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by
Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that
was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim
and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the
animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100
feet away from Mr. Michaels’ deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a
can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to
smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to
ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can
down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not
one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels
proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the
sloping pipe to toss the match.
The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr.
Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate
of speed. He exited the angled pipe “like a Polaris missile
leaves a submarine,” according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31.
Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right
over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.
In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. “There was a
Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us,” McFadden
reported, “Followed by a loud thud.” Amazingly, he suffered
only minor injuries.
“It was actually pretty cool,” Michaels said, “Like when they
shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I’d do it again if
I was sure I wouldn’t get hurt.”

To top