Cinderella

CINDERELLA BY SIMON PAUL * * REVIEW COPY * * IMPORTANT: This work is the copyright of Simon Paul of 196 Wimbledon Park Road, London, SW18 5RL, UK. This is a review copy of Cinderella only. Purchasing this version does not confer any right to copy, perform, transmit or broadcast this script in any form, part or whole. Any person or persons doing so without prior consent shall be in breach of the author’s copyright and in infringement of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. If you wish to produce Cinderella, please complete the form on the next page and return it to the author who shall then provide a quotation for your production. On acceptance of a quotation you shall be provided with the full production copy of the script with notes produced before and after the original production. © Simon Paul, 2008 1 APPLICATION TO PERFORM A PLAY CONTROLLED BY SIMON PAUL Simon Paul t/as SKAZ Management 196 Wimbledon Park Road, SW18 5RL +44 (0) 7803 906131 skazmanagement@gmail.com TITLE OF PLAY: CINDERELLA NAME OF APPLICANT: NAME OF PERFORMING COMPANY OR SOCIETY: SCHOOL, AMATEUR OR PROFESSIONAL GROUP: ADDRESS OF APPLICANT: TELEPHONE NUMBER OF APPLICANT: EMAIL ADDRESS OF APPLICANT: DATE(S) AND/OR NUMBER OF PERFORMANCE/S (IF KNOWN): * PLACE OF PERFORMANCE: * LICENSED SEATING CAPACITY: * IMPORTANT- State the Licensed Capacity of Hall or Theatre and NOT the anticipated audience size PLEASE POST OR EMAIL THIS PAGE USING THE CONTACT DETAILS ABOVE AND A QUOTATION WILL BE SENT TO YOU BASED ON SEATING CAPACITY AND NUMBER OF PERFORMANCES. NO PERFORMANCE OR REHEARSED READING, BEFORE AN AUDIENCE, (PAYING OR OTHERWISE) MAY BE GIVEN WITHOUT THE CONSENT, IN WRITING, OF THE PUBLISHERS AND THE PAYMENT OF A ROYALTY FEE. I AGREE THAT NO PERFORMANCE WILL BE GIVEN WITHOUT PRIOR CONSENT OF THE AUTHOR SIGNATURE OF APPLICANT: DATE: © Simon Paul, 2008 2 Cinderella A script by Simon Paul CHARACTERS: Cinderella – the heroine, completely pathetic Prince Charming – the hero(?) – Australian Ginger – Cinderella’s ugly stepsister Brazillia – the other ugly stepsister (The step sisters are a music-hall variety act. All they care about is applause from the audience.) Baron Klaus von VolkswagenAudiGolf-Hardup – Cinderella’s down-trodden father Baroness Prunella Augusta St Andrews Paula Magnolia Maria Saxe-Coburg Smith-von VolkswagenAudiGolf-Hardup – Cinderella’s cruel step mother with terribly affected accent that betrays her East London roots Tipsy – The Fairy Godmother – a drunk who keeps appearing at the wrong moment. Her wand is a bottle of Champagne. King and Queen Charming – Father & Mother to the Prince – Northerners through and through Buttons – manservant to the Baron. A Frankie Howard type (lots of asides to the audience) besotted with Cinderella but resigned to the fact they will always only be friends. Shop attendant – rude, unhelpful and deadpan in delivery. Master of Ceremonies – as above and probably the same person. © Simon Paul, 2008 3 Scene 1: The scullery of Hardup Towers Cinderella: Oh woe is me, oh woe is me. All my stepmother and stepsisters do is make me work, work, work, scrub, scrub, scrub. A proper scrubber am I. Enter Buttons at speed and with confidence. Buttons: Hello, mums and dads, boys and girls! Audience responds. Buttons: You can do better than that. HELLO MUMS AND DADS, BOYS AND GIRLS! Audience responds. Buttons: Oh well, what do you expect from an amateur show – an amateur audience! Never mind, we'll soon liven you up. Now, my name's Buttons but my close enemies call me 'Zip' – you can call me whatever you like although I prefer Buttons. (Adjusts trousers in a slightly vulgar manner.) Ooh. Pardon me. The costume department went to great lengths to make me as uncomfortable as possible. These trousers are just like the District line, long, straight and full to the brim (winks to audience). Anyway, where was I. Oh yes. I am the rusty, sorry – trusty, manservant to the master of the manor, Baron Klaus von Volkswagen-AudiGolf-Hardup. Things used to be great around here but the poor Baron's first wife died and the credit crunch took all his money. Just a month ago, the Baron married again. His © Simon Paul, 2008 4 new wife, Prunella Augusta St Andrews Paula Magnolia Maria Saxe-Coburg Smith, rich widow of the eponymous Mr W H is quite horrid and came with a lot of baggage – her daughters, Ginger and Brazillia and, yes, you guessed it, they're both nuts! (Notices Cinderella) But what is this. 'Tis the love of my life, my master's daughter, Cinderella. Oh how I wish she had eyes for me. But at least we are best friends. Poor Cinders. She has really been put upon by her stepmother and stepsisters. They make her work, work, work and scrub, scrub, scrub. It's lucky she's a natural scrubber. Hmm! I could have phrased that better, but you get my drift. Cinders my love. 'Tis I, your friend Buttons. Cinderella: Oh my wonderful friend Buttons what ever shall become of us. Oh how my heart pines. Buttons: I told you to lay off the pesto. Cinderella: (Ignoring Buttons) Oh my poor father. What misery he has endured these past weeks. How he has suffered. How he has bent over backwards to be a good husband and father. How he has gone out of his way to welcome his new family. How he has made them a home. How he has trusted them. How he has shared everything with the Baroness, his b… Buttons: ...books and other pleasures. Yes, yes we know. But what of you Cinders. They have treated you far, far worse than your father. (Taking her in a dance-hold) Oh how if I were rich I would take you away from all this. I would be your prince, your knight in shining armour, your © Simon Paul, 2008 5 protector, your, oh I just know that you deserve better than that couple of nuts... Enter the ugly sisters from either side. Ginger: Did someone mention food? Brazillia: (Tripping over her own dress) Is it lunchtime already? (To Cinderella) Quick, quick, girl, bring me victuals and you, (gesturing to Buttons) hop it. Ginger: Yes, yes, lunch, lunch and be quick wench. Cinderella bows her head and walks off backwards. The ugly sisters now go into an incredibly indulgent variety act played straight to the audience. Ginger: I say, I say, I say, what do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles? Brazillia: I don't know, what do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles? Ginger: A car-toonist! Ba-boom! Both: (while circling the stage in opposite directions) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Brazillia: I say, I say, I say, what do you call a rocking chair fitted with wheels? © Simon Paul, 2008 6 Ginger: I don't know, pray tell me Brazillia, what do you call a rocking chair fitted with wheels? Brazillia: A rock and roller! Ba-boom! Both: (while circling the stage in opposite directions) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ginger: I say, I say, I say, what do you call a fish that can't swim? Brazillia: I don't know my dear Ginger, what do you call a fish that can't swim? Ginger: Dead! Ba-boom! Both: (while circling the stage in opposite directions) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Brazillia: I say, I say, I say my darling Ginger, what's the difference between a basin and a bison? Ginger: Dearest Brazillia, I cannot for the life of me think what the difference could be between a basin and a bison – please do tell? Brazillia: You can't wash your hands in a bison! Ba-boom! Both: (while circling the stage in opposite directions) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ginger: Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a terrible cough. © Simon Paul, 2008 7 Brazillia: Well you should practice more! Both: (while circling the stage in opposite directions) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Brazillia: Doctor, doctor, I feel sick as a dog! Ginger: I’ll make you an appointment with the vet! Both: (while circling the stage in opposite directions) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! They come together in the middle for the last time and the piano music stops. Brazillia: Oh Ginger, you do make me laugh; you should be on the stage. Ginger: But the last one left town half an hour ago. (Both turn to start moving off.) Brazillia: Fool, Let’s see if lunch is ready (Slapping her sister playfully and pushing her away at the same time, they circle one more time and go off the way they came on.) © Simon Paul, 2008 8 Scene 2: The Royal Palace Loud fanfare (opening bar of 'Fanfare for the Common Man') that causes the King and Queen to cover their ears. Eventually it stops. During this fanfare, the Fairy Godmother staggers across the back of the stage holding and swigging from a bottle of Champagne. As they take their hands from their ears, it starts again. It then stops. King: I must get the Royal Trumpeter to trumpet down a bit. (The fanfare begins again and the couple cover their ears again. It eventually stops.) King: Oh what we have to go through for the sake of Royal pleasures. I remember when I was a lad… Queen: (Cutting him off.) Oh don’t start on your pitiful northern reverse snobbery, chip on the shoulder, selfindulgent, childish, child-hood reminiscences now. I’ve heard them all before and the nice people here don’t want you complaining about how you had to get up before dawn to walk twenty miles and back to fetch water from the only well your side of Leeds. Or how you had to carry pit pony home every day because the men worked it too hard. Or how your family only had a small crust of bread to eat each week and that was when there wasn’t a famine! I’ve heard it all before. King: All right woman, I was just making conversation. After all, they (indicating audience) have a right to know © Simon Paul, 2008 9 a bit about us. Did I ever tell you my family was in the iron and steel business? Queen: Yes, dear, your mother used to iron and your father used to steal. Now what about our son? King: What about our son. What or who’s he been up to now? Queen: I meant about him marrying. King: Who’s the lucky girl then? Queen: That’s just it. He shows no sign of settling down. He just hangs around with surfing types, talks with an outrageous accent, listens to nothing but the Beach Boys and Men at Work, swigs the odd tinny and dances. King: Well perhaps that’s it. We should hold a dance in his honour and invite the most eligible beauties from across the kingdom. He’s bound to meet someone he fancies. Queen: For once you’ve had a good idea. (King nods and smiles then realises what she said and does a double-take.) We must organize the invites at once. (Shouting towards the King.) Call the Royal messengers. King: (Shouting louder the other way.) Call the Royal Messengers. Off stage can be heard a stream of voices shouting out ‘Call the Royal Messengers’ but nobody appears. Eventually, all goes quiet and… © Simon Paul, 2008 10 King: Eh up. You just can’t get the staff these days. Come on Queenie let’s send out some emails. The King and queen exit as Prince Charming walks on. Prince Charming: G’day, what’s happening you beauties? Calls in direction of King & Queen.) Mu-um, da-ad. Oh, where they heading? Never mind, I’m off to the beach and then the Pink Flamingo for happy hour. The Beach Boys’ music’s hot, the beer is cool and the Sheilas are somewhere in between - if you get my drift, though I’m not sure I do. Never mind. (Exits.) Enter Buttons: Buttons: While the Prince is Charming his betters His parents are writing some letters Invites galore To the citizens and more They’re hoping for settling matters Exits. © Simon Paul, 2008 11 Scene 3: The lounge of Hardup Towers Baron Hardup: My, what wonderful weather we are having for the time of year. Baroness Hardup: Oh shut up you pathetic little man. What we need is a way to make some cash as you have none. Ginger: Oooh I do like money don’t you Brazillia? Brazillia: Oooh, yes I do my little Ginger… Tipsy: (Sways in and across stage and off again.) …pussy. Here puss, here puss. All: (To audience.) Who is that woman? (Pause and back to conversation.) Baroness Hardup: It seems to me that my only hope is to secure large dowries for these two. (Indicating Ginger and Brazillia.) But look at the state of them. Who would want to marry them? Just then there is a knock at the door. Baron Hardup: (Calls out.) Get that please Buttons. Buttons enters carrying a large card. It reads – ‘Please check your inbox for an important message’. © Simon Paul, 2008 12 Baroness Hardup: (Pulling something out from the folds of her skirt.) Ooh, I thought I felt a throbbing in my folds – my Blackberry’s on vibrate. Okay, inbox, inbox, inbox. Here we are. It's from the King. Ugly sisters: Ooooohhh! Baroness Hardup: (Reading in a Northern accent.) To all thems what have daughters of t'marrying age. Hmm. Queenie and I invite you to t'grand ball in honour of t'son, Prince Charming. RSVP HRH King. Ginger: Oooh, come on Brazillia – let's go and get some retail therapy. We must look our best for the Prince. Brazillia: What do you mean we, you old strumpet. I, must look my best, let's go to Pradamark and see what we can find for me. The sisters exit. Baron Hardup: Well Cinderella, what will you wear? Why not go with your sisters to find something? Baroness Hardup: WHAAAAT! Cinderella, go to the ball? Nonsense. She will help us get ready. She is not going to get the eye of the Prince. It would be a waste of good money to buy clothes for her. The Baroness exits, leaving Cinderella with her father on one side and Buttons on the other. © Simon Paul, 2008 13 Baron Hardup: Oh daughter, what have I done. I am so sorry. Cinderella: Father dear, do not worry. Somehow, somewhere, someday, my Prince will come and all will be well. Baron Hardup exits muttering to himself and shaking his head. Buttons moves across to Cinderella. Buttons: (To audience.) No balls then for Cinderella. Well, what do you expect? You want a quality script, go to the Globe. Cinderella: Oh Buttons. My father is so sad. What will become of us? How can I console him? Buttons: (Puts arm round Cinderella and addresses audience.) Oh here we go. (To Cinderella.) Never mind, my dear, it'll all be all right. Everything will come out in the wash. (To audience.) Though if she doesn't stop crying, her blouse will run. (To Cinderella.) There, there my dear, don't worry, we'll find a way of getting you to the dance. Cinderella: Oh Buttons, you're such a good man. (Unconsciously pulling him towards her.) It must be very hard for you. Buttons: (Looks down then up and says to audience.) It's getting that way. © Simon Paul, 2008 14 Cinderella: (Beginning to get physically closer to Buttons.) Oh Buttons, you're the only one that really understands, you're so big. Buttons: (Unsure where to look and addressing audience.) Oooh. Does it show? Oh no it’s my mobile. Let me just adjust it. (She pulls him closer, almost passionately.) Cinderella: Oh I must go to the ball. I must meet the Prince. (With rising passion and Buttons does not know where to look.) I crave him, I want him, he must have me, I must have him - take me, take me! Buttons: (About to kiss her.) Oh if you insist. Cinderella: (Finally calming down and realising the position she is in and pushing Buttons away.) Oh, no, sorry Buttons, I got carried away for a moment there. Buttons: (Adjusting his trousers.) Oh not at all. Are you still upset? (Gives him a frown.) Oh, never mind. Anyway, I must be off to muck out the stables, groom the horses and polish the Baron’s knob – (With a knowing glance to the audience.) on the top of his cane, if you don’t mind. Bye Cinders. Cinderella: See you later Buttons, I must go and tidy my sisters’ boudoir. They’ll be back from the shops soon. (Exits.) Buttons: Ahhh. Poor dear. Not a moment’s rest does she get. Work, work, work. Scrub, scrub, scrub. Blah, blah, blah. © Simon Paul, 2008 15 Still, I am sure she’ll live happily ever after. What do you think? (Exits.) © Simon Paul, 2008 16 Scene 4: Shopping Ginger: So here we are in my favourite emporium – Pradamark. Brazillia: Oh Ginger, just look at this seasons leg warmers. Ginger: Oh Brazillia, I always said you had no taste whatsoever. Never mind those, let’s check out the gawdy knitwear. Brazillia: And you claim I have no taste. Shopkeeper: (To audience.) It’s customers like these that make this job hell! (To the sisters.) Are you here to buy or to try my patience? Ginger: Oooh! Hark at him. Brazillia: I’ll bark at him if he doesn’t watch his manners! Ginger: (In high, affected accent.) We are here to make several high value purchases and require the assistance of someone with similar taste, breeding and deportment as what we got. Brazillia: Yeah, so get some stuff for us to look at. Shopkeeper: Ladies, the only place round here that you’ll find something with the same taste, breeding and deportment © Simon Paul, 2008 17 as (imitating Ginger) ‘what you got’ – is in the pasture at Deen City Farm. Ginger: (Leaning across the shopkeeper to Brazillia) Oh ignore this rude oik and let’s have a look for ourselves. The sisters peel off in their normal circle skipping and acting (to their theme tune) as though looking and picking up stuff along the way. After a couple of circuits they meet back in the middle as if holding a pile of clothes. During this time, the shopkeeper has moved stage right. He/ she is observing them and occasionally tutting. Ginger: Oooh what lovely stuff, come on Brazillia, let’s go try these things on? Brazillia: right behind you my dear. They exit in their normal fashion to opposite exits. During the next minute or so, various items of clothing are thrown from the wings. The shopkeeper has moved centre stage between the exits. Large pair of bloomers hit the shopkeeper on the head. Shopkeeper: (Holding up the Bloomers.) I wasn’t aware we sold parachutes. Enormous bra hits him from the other side. Shopkeeper: It’s a football warmer. © Simon Paul, 2008 18 Ginger: (Calling out from wings.) Does my bottom look big in this? Shopkeeper: No bigger than a balloon – a hot air balloon! Brazillia: How does this dress look? Shopkeeper: From the front it looks like you’re trawling for tuna. From the back it looks like you’ve caught one! Ginger: Oooh. I can’t do these buttons up. Shopkeeper: I’ll go get my rivet gun. Brazillia: This dress is armless. Shopkeeper: It’s downright dangerous with you in it! Ginger and Brazillia come out from the ‘dressing rooms’. Ginger: Right my man, have these things delivered to Hardup Towers by noon. Brazillia: Right. Now where can we buy some classy jewellery? Shopkeeper: There’s a pound shop next door. Ginger: Oh the cheek of this man. Come on Brazillia, let’s be off to Annorexorcise. The sisters skip round and off to their usual exits. © Simon Paul, 2008 19 Shopkeeper: An early lunch I think. (Exits.) Enter Buttons. Buttons: Two sisters rush out of the shop Hurrying homeward they pop To put on their stuff Jewellery and fluff Then off to the ball they’ll hop Scene 5: The ugly sisters’ boudoir © Simon Paul, 2008 20 The sisters are sat centre stage to the front as if peering into a large mirror. They fuss over their hair and make up while Cinderella stands in attendance. Ginger: (While squeezing a spot.) Oooh, come on out. Aaah, there got it. Brazillia: Do you have to do that? Ginger: A girl’s got to look her best. Cinderella: (To audience.) Oh woe is me. My sisters are getting ready for the ball and here am I helping them and waiting to be left at home - home alone. (To the sisters.) Can I get you anything my sisters two? Ginger: Just be seen and not heard – we’ll tell you if we need anything. Brazillia: Yeah, it’s just important that we highlight our beauty for the Prince. It’s a shame you don’t have any highlights. Cinderella: (Shrugs and, to the audience.) The chemicals make my skin irritate anyway. Ginger: What would a girl dressed in rags do to attract the eye of the Prince anyway? (Baroness Hardup enters.) © Simon Paul, 2008 21 Baroness Hardup: Cone on girls, hurry up and get ready. The coach will be here soon. Cinderella looks towards her expectantly. Baroness Hardup: Not you child. Ginger: Yeah, we told her, no rag and bones at the ball tonight. The sisters go into a fit of giggles. After a few moments, the Baron walks in. Baron Hardup: Hurry up girls we will have to go by bus tonight. It seems that my account with the coach and horses is behind. Brazillia: (To Ginger.) And so I hear to The Park Tavern, The Earl Spencer and The Grid. (The sisters giggle more.) Baroness Hardup: Oh you rotten, miserable man. Go on the bus, with ordinary people? Yuk! I’m going to walk. See you there. Ginger: I say, I say, I say Brazillia. What’s round, covered in hair has a large protrusion at the front, bad teeth, red eyes and spots. Brazillia: I don’t know Ginger. What’s round, covered in hair has a large protrusion at the front, bad teeth, red eyes and spots. © Simon Paul, 2008 22 Ginger: I don’t know either but there’s one on your shoulders. Brazillia: Oooh. I’ll get you for that. Baron Hardup: (To Cinderella.) Sorry my dear. I’d better go after her. Cinderella: Have a nice time father. The Baron exits. Cinderella now begins rushes to and fro getting things for the sisters. Brazillia: Come on girl. Get me my stoll. Ginger: Get me my shoes. Brazillia: I asked first. Get me my hat. Ginger: Pass me my necklace. Brazillia: Where are my rings? Ginger: Get me a glass of water. Brazillia: Adjust my girdle. Ginger: Rouge my cheeks. Brazillia: Comb my hair. © Simon Paul, 2008 23 Ginger: Wash my socks. (All pause, the other two stare at her – Ginger shrugs. The mayhem continues.) Brazillia: Wax my legs. Ginger: Shorten my gown. Brazillia: Feed the dog. (All pause, the other two stare at her – Brazillia shrugs. The mayhem continues.) The sisters stand admiring themselves for a last few moments in the mirror. Ginger: Do up my bracelet. Brazillia: Iron my tights. Ginger: Turn off the cat. Brazillia: Put out the lights. Both: It’s time to hit the town and the city sights! They high five, about turn and exit in their normal way. Cinderella. Oh thank goodness. Some peace and quiet. But my chores are not yet done. I must away to scrub the scullery floor before the Baroness returns. (She turns and exits sobbing.) Enter Buttons: © Simon Paul, 2008 24 Buttons: While everyone goes to the ball Cinders is left in the hall With a rub a dub dub She has a good scrub On her knees does she clean and crawl! Exits. © Simon Paul, 2008 25 Scene 6: Cinderella in the scullery Cinderella: Oh woe is me, oh woe is me. They’ve gone, gone, gone to the ball to meet the King and Queen and their son, the Prince. Here I am home alone, scrubbing the scullery floor, scrub, scrub, scrub… All of a sudden Tipsy comes, skidding on, trips and falls in front of Cinderella. Tipsy: Oh, bother. Well don’t just stand there. Help me up and get me a chair. Cinderella: (Helping her up and on to a chair bemusedly.) Oh, and who are you? Tipsy: (Almost falling over again.) I am Tipsy! Cinderella: I can see that, but what’s your name? Tipsy: Oh you silly girl, Tipsy is my name. I am Tipsy. Cinderella: (To audience.) I think she’s a bit more than Tipsy. Tipsy does a double take. Tipsy: So Cinderella, you would like to go to the ball would you? © Simon Paul, 2008 26 Cinderella: Oh yes, but wait a minute. How do you know my name and who are you exactly? Tipsy: (In mysterious, gypsy-like voice.) I am all seeing, all doing. Through the annuls of time, my line has brought me great power and psychic skills. Cinderella: (To audience.) Psychic – psychiatric more like! Tipsy: (Ignoring her and continuing.) I am the dark, I am the light. I am day, I am night. I am the earth, I am the sea. I am a giraffe, I am a pea. I am the sun, I am the moon. I am a… Cinderella: …fork and I am a spoon! Sorry. Tipsy: Well, young lady. In short, I am your fairy Godmother. Cinderella: Fairy Godmother? What does that mean? Tipsy: Well my dear. It means I can grant you anything your heart desires. Cinderella: You mean you can get me a ticket to the ball? Tipsy: I can do more than that. I will dress you in riches, provide you with a magnificent coach and horses and whisk you to and from the ball where you will be the star of the evening. But what we need is a little bit of magic and that might be a problem. © Simon Paul, 2008 27 Cinderella: Oh why? What’s the problem? Tipsy: I’ve lost my wand and this substitute (Holding up champagne bottle.) is only half full. Cinderella: I’m afraid we’re right out. Tipsy: Well, we may be able to do something but it will need some help. Perhaps the boys and girls here can give me a hand? Would you like to help? Audience responds. Tipsy: I SAID, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP? (Audience responds.) That’s better. Now Cinderella, you go up to your room and stand by to be transformed. (Cinderella exits.) Now boys and girls. My substitute wand might be able to do the trick and make Cinderella look decent enough to go out on the town – erm, to the ball. But for the spell to work, it needs your help. You will have to say the spell with me and it needs lots of volume – okay? (Audience responds.) I SAID – OKAY? (Audience responds.) Right – Are you ready? (Audience responds.) Here we go then. HOLLY WOLLY, I LOVE MOLLY! (Audience responds.) Oh dear, no, no no. That’s not right – now let me think. Okay, let’s try again? HOLLY WOLLY, WHERE’S MY BROLLY! Audience responds.) Oh fiddlesticks. No, that’s not right either. Now let me think for a moment. (Takes a swig of champagne, then notices label.) I’ve got it! Here we go boys and girls this is the big one. Are you ready? (Audience responds.) I SAID – ARE YOU READY? (Audience responds.) Here we go. HOLLY WOLLY, I LOVE BOLLY! (Audience responds.) One more time. (Audience © Simon Paul, 2008 28 responds.) And give yourselves a big hand of applause as here comes Cinderella. As the applause begins to subside a transformed Cinderella glides on stage and stands in the centre. She then moves down stage as Tipsy gees up the audience applause once again. Tipsy: Wow. Doesn’t she look beautiful boys and girls? (Audience responds.) Now, my dear. You really will be the star of the ball. Oh. But there’s a couple of small problems. Cinderella: Oh please Tipsy. What can we do to help? Tipsy: Well for starters, the magic will only last until midnight. On the stroke of midnight, you’ll be transformed back to a scullery maid. Cinderella: And the second? Tipsy: Well. We seem to be right out of magic. (Holds up Champagne bottle.) Ah. Never mind. Forget the coach and horses. (Pulls out mobile phone and dials number.) I’ll call you a cab. Hello. Yes, I’d like a cab from Hardup Towers to the Royal Palace right away please. What do you mean you’re not going south of the river this time of night? You get here in three minutes or I’ll turn you into a frog and you’ll spend the rest of your days IN the river! Thank you. Okay Cinders, outside in three minutes – or less. Now off you go and have a great time. © Simon Paul, 2008 29 Cinderella: Oh Tipsy. However can I thank you? Tipsy: Just get me some more magic on your way home. (Indicating empty bottle.) And don’t forget to be back by midnight. Cinderella: No I won’t. Byeee! Cinderella glides off. Tipsy addresses the audience before exiting. Tipsy: Well. Another satisfied customer. Actually, I think I’ll join her. It might be fun. Bye everyone and thank you boys and girls. Cooee! Wait for meee! (Exits.) Enter Buttons. Buttons: So Cinders is off after all For the night of her life at the ball But as the bell tolls She’ll be back in the Rolls And high-speeding it back to the Hall (Exits.) © Simon Paul, 2008 30 Scene 7: The ball at the Royal Palace Master of Ceremonies: Their Royal Highnesses King and Queenie Charming. His Royal Highness Prince Charming. Buttons. (Shrugs to the audience.) Baron Klaus von VolkswagenAudiGolf-Hardup and his wife Baroness Prunella Augusta St Andrews Paula – oh for goodness sake – Baron Hardup and his wife, the former Mrs Smith. (Baroness gives him a filthy look.) Their beautiful(?) daughters Ginger and Brazillia. The Fairy Godmother who’s Tipsy. (Gets filthy look from Tipsy.) There now follows a very stylized, almost balletic sequence to a waltz(?). Each person (except Prince Charming who stands stage left looking bored and ignoring the looks of the ugly sisters) begins dancing on their own but as if with a partner. Part way through, Cinderella appears and all move to the sides as Prince Charming bows to Cinderella, takes her hand and they dance to the end of the music. Then, the clock strikes midnight and Cinderella rushes off leaving one of her shoes behind. Everyone looks shocked and stares at Prince Charming as if he’s just molested her. Prince Charming: Hey, don’t look at me. (Picks up Cinderella’s shoe.) I didn’t touch her. Tipsy: He’s right. I think she had another appointment. All: Who is that woman? © Simon Paul, 2008 31 Tipsy: Oooh dear! I’m not feeling well. (Exits with one hand over her mouth as if about to be sick? The sound of retching is heard off stage.) King: (To Prince Charming. Rest of group except Queen start to disperse and move off.) So, lad. Who was that young lady? Prince Charming: How do I know. She upped and went before I got her number. Queen: Oh you silly boy. What do we do now? King: We must find her. It seems she’s the only lass that’s caught his eye and she’d make a lovely wife. Queen: Yes but how do we find her? (Notices shoe.) What’s that? Prince Charming: Oh, the Sheila lost her shoe in her rush to get away. Queen: Then that’s it. All we need to do is find a girl with one shoe. King: Wonderful. I shall send an emissary to every household in the Kingdom and whomsoever has the missing foot… No, that’s wrong. Whosoever’s foot fits this shoe shall become the Princess. (To the audience.) We shall find this lass and she shall marry my son the Prince. © Simon Paul, 2008 32 Prince: (To audience.) Ah well. Seems my time’s up. Time to get hitched. Better put away the surf board, swig my last tinny and go find a foot! All exit and Buttons enters. It’s the day of reckoning for Charming To him it’s rather alarming He knows not that Cinders Is cleaning the winders And catching up on her darning Exits. © Simon Paul, 2008 33 Scene 8: The lounge of Hardup Towers Brazillia: Oooh. I have a terrible morning cold. Ginger: Hangover more like. I saw you quaffing pints of punch all night. Brazillia: And you were the model of sobriety! Baroness Hardup: Now, now girls, pull yourselves together and smarten up. I just got wind that that awful child that monopolized the Prince all night left her shoe behind in her rush to leave. Sisters: So, what. Ginger: She’ll be walking round in circles for a while. Ba boom. Brazillia: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Baroness Hardup: Enough! Fools! Don’t you understand. That weirdo Prince didn’t even ask the girls name, let alone get her email address. The Royal entourage is heading this way… Ginger: An entour what? Baroness Hardup: The King, Queen and Prince Charming are coming to town to find the girl whose foot fits the shoe they found. Whosever that shoe fits will marry the Prince. © Simon Paul, 2008 34 Ginger: (Kicking off one of her shoes.) Me. It’s me. Brazillia: She said foot, not hoof. Ginger: Okay flipper. You’re the only person that can satisfy the equation two feet equals a yard. A school yard! Collapses in a fit of laughing as Cinderella enters. Baroness Hardup: ENOUGH! Cinderella: (Carrying a teapot and wearing just one shoe and walking awkwardly as a result. Nobody notices. Startled.) I wasn’t aware you’d had any yet! Baroness Hardup: Not you wench. Go back to the scullery where you belong. As Cinders turns, Baron Hardup walks in with King, the Queen and Prince Charming from stage left. Baron Hardup: Yes your Royal Highness, the weather in those parts can be quite lovely. Baroness Hardup: Oh not you, you wretched man, take yourself away and take your idiot friends with you. (Turns, sees the Royal entourage puts hand to mouth and freezes.) Baron Hardup: Sorry about the wife, I think she must have got herself into a twist last night. © Simon Paul, 2008 35 Royal entourage laughs as the Baroness shrinks away with a look of horror on her face, shooing Cinderella towards the exit stage right. They both hesitate by the wings. Baron Hardup: Well your Royal Highnesses, welcome to my humble abode. May I present my step daughters Ginger and Brazillia, my wife, the Baroness (In a low voice and sniggering.) who I believe you’ve met. (The Royal entourage all start sniggering to the obvious annoyance and discomfiture of the Baroness.) The sisters meanwhile stare absolutely dumbstruck at the Royal entourage, they suddenly surge forward and start jabbering away in affected voices. Ginger. Oooh. Your Highnesses. Let me try the shoe. Brazillia: No. Me first. Me, me , me. Ginger: I asked first. As the sisters bicker, Prince Charming notices Cinderella and vice-versa. They meet in the middle and Cinderella puts on the shoe. Brazillia: But I’m younger – age before beauty. Ginger: Ha. Hoisted by your own petard. The Prince wants a beauty not a little girl. Brazillia: Bah. It was just a turn of phrase. © Simon Paul, 2008 36 The sisters carry on mumbling their argument as everyone else realizes what’s going on between the Prince and Cinderella who are now in each others’ arms staring dreamily into each other’s eyes. Queen: Oh. What a lovely couple. Baron, who is this girl? Baron Hardup: (Surprised.) Well, she’s my daughter. King: Well Baron. It seems your young beauty has gone PC. Baron Hardup: She always recycles as well. Queen: Excellent. Right, so a wedding it is then. Make that a Royal wedding. King: Yes. Call the Royal wedding arrangers. Queen: Call the Royal wedding arrangers. Baron: Call the Royal wedding arrangers. King: Wait a minute. We don’t have any Royal wedding arrangers. Never mind. There’s plenty of punch left over from last night so let’s go off to the palace and do it ourselves. The sisters visibly gag as everyone exits with them last. Enter Buttons. Buttons: © Simon Paul, 2008 37 As we come to the end of our show It’s not quite time yet to go The Prince and his Cinders Who no longer cleans winders Are leading the cast with a glow © Simon Paul, 2008 38 Scene 9: Grand Finale The bride and groom parade around to much applaud – and not a lot else happens. Entire cast led by Prince Charming and Cinderella parade through the centre of the audience and lead round one side with Buttons and Tipsy while the rest of the cast led by the King and Queen go round the other way. All meet up back in the middle. Buttons and Tipsy invite the children up on stage for a song. At the end of the song, everyone, children as well, take a bow and then move into the audience and start chatting. © Simon Paul, 2008 39