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Jack Benny Program 1955 Jan-Mar

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Jack Benny Program 1955 Jan-Mar Powered By Docstoc
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                                                      (PRO(3RAM #15
                                                      REVISED SCRIPT




                      AMERICAN   TOBACCO   CCMPANY(~-O       .

                             LUCKY STRIKE
                        77Q JACK BENNY PRCGRAM

SUN   A4Y   JANC,ARY 2 1955 CBS                  4•oo - 4 :30 PM   PST


                      (Transcribed - Oct . 22, 1954)


             CAST :   Jeck Benny
                      Rochester
                      iBnnis Dey
                      Bob Crosby
                      Don Wilson
                      Sportstren Quartet
                      Cherlie Begby
                      Joe Besser
                      Bee Bensdaret
                      1491 Blsnc
                      Artie Auerback
                      Jinvny Baird
                      Jeanette Eymann




RM




                                                  Rrxo 1 oo 2 o 3 oo     I
..,---- -
            THE             AMERICAN                            TOBACCO            COMPANY                -A-

            JANUARYC2,B1955 PROGRAM" i'r~9 QfIIi •INf~~


            WI[BON :                    TF                E   JACK BBMRY PROGRAM . . . transcribed and
                                                  presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that's

                                                  toasted         y4   taste   petter!
            (TRANSCRIBED : "If you went better taste from your cig-a-mette,
             CALYPSO
             VERSION OF      Lucky 3trike. is the brand to get!
             50H0-3? SDO .)
                                                  IT'S TOASTID to give you the best taste yet,

                                                  It's the toasted (CIAP                 . . . CLf+P, CLAP)

                                                                oig-e-rette .

                                                  They take            rj=   tobacco, it's       light     tobacco,

                                                  it's p        U   d_ tobacco, too,

                                                  Then IT'S TOASTID, yes, IT'S                   TOASTED,


                                                  because the toasting brings the                     flavor   right
                                                                through .

                                                  So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette,

                                                  Lucky Strike is              the brand to get!

                                                   IT'S        TOASTED   to give you the best teste yet,
                                                  It's the toasted              (CLAP    . . . CLAP, CLAP)

                                                                cig-a-rette!"
            WILSON : This is Don Wilson, friends . Dorothy Collins --

                                                  The Sweetheart of Lucky Strike -- just gave you

                                                  the key to deep-down smoking enjoyment . $et ert

                                                   taste . And that's vrhere a Lucky really clicksl

                                                  A Lucky tastes better because IS/MNT -- Lucky

                                                  Strike means fine tobacco                 . . . fine, light,

                                                  naturally good-tasting tobacco .



                                                                                        (MORE)




                                                                                                 6   rx   01   00 0 0
                                                                                                                 2     3   1
'NE AMERICAN TOBACCO C06ffANY                                  -B-
 'TAE JACK BNNNY PROGRAM" ;,19
JANUARY 2, I955
OPINIIi6 COMh1ERRCIAL (CONTINOID)
WIL40N : And then,            that   tobacco is y4@,gygQ . IT'S   TOASTED   --
(CONT'D .)
                  the famous Lucky 3trike process -- brings a

                  Lucky's fine tobacco to its peak of flavor . . . .

                  tones up a Tucky's naturally good-tasting tobacco

                  to make it taste even better      . . . cleaner, fresher,

                  smoother . So, pick up a carton of better-tasting

                  Lucky Strike . I know you'll $g jaDpy . . . if YOU

                  Qg Luckvl




RN




                                                   RTYS09 0020302
                                                                                    -1-


    (AFTER CCNAQ';RCIAL, ORCIN:STRA HPPS CPENING THFME, ABOUT gIX OR

     EI BARS, THIN JACK BREAKS IN .)
    JA , ftold it, Bob . . . . Hold it, hold it~

    (MUSIC STOPS)
    BOB :        k,(,What   is   it,Jack?ACK
            )r

            : Bob, it's                        almost air   time . Can't you do something about
                                                     7
            ~.      the                             ~

    BCB : A~Qk,What's wrong with 'em?wc-1,                                 //'
                                                                        . ~/
    JACK : What's wrong with 'em~ . .Bagby a playing the piano lying

                    down . . . . Bridwell is blowing confetti through his clarinet

                     . . .end look at Sammy the drummer, weaving around up

                    there . . .If he doesn't fall off that stand before the

                    show is over, I'll eat my hat .

    BOB : Well,'Jack,'you didn't expect the boys to oome in sober

                    this soon after Now Years                    Eve,    did you?

    JACK :          Bcb . . .I don't expect them to come in sober after Ground

                    Hog dey . . .But this is ridiculous . . .Look at them . .I
I   on       y      o eeanLt ve a red
                    h~s~ is

    BCB• Yeah, he's a cream de mint men .
    JACK : I don't care what he isj . .We'rstarting a New Year, Bob,

                     and I want you to tell -baikbW those new rules we                            .
                    discussed .
    BCB : Ncw ?
             _A
    JACK : Yen .C I if~Bab,~ll 'em .
    BOB :ff .-ep, Ckay :'

                            (SOUND :               RAPPING   OF BATON)


    RM




                                                                            flTX01 0020303
                                                                                                      1
                 '/~                   ~j              -~2-


BOB : (UP) A'ITENTION, FELTAWS . . . . ATTENTION . . .WE'RE STARTING
           A NEW YEAR AND WE'LL ALL GEP AIAN6 BEPfER IF "'
                  (SOUND : BIG CRASH OF        DRUMS   AND CYFffiALS FALLING)n
                                                                   .


JACK : I IINEW      IT   404EMPW       . . .I RNLEYf HE'D FALL OFF :    . . .   HelpiM*

           up     . :N~„ ahe~d wltsh thKCe rules,~Bob.I
                                                                                          02

                                             .
BOB :                     . I ' °"
        0 ON FELLOWS,.YM . ~        ~ ALL ' ANT
                                    YOUd^                                            m
                                                                                          0


          'lW STAND, SO LISTIN CA ONE . . . •

           IYtRING THE COMING YENR YOU WILL AIY BE               REQUIRED       TO

           A1•l'IQD EACH AND EVERY REHEARS A L      . . . .   AND NO FKCUSE WILL BE

           ACCEPTED   UNLESS IT IS SIGNED BY EITHGR YOUR DOCTOR OR
           YOUR WARDEN .

JACK : That's       telling    'em .
BOB : RULE NUMBER TWO . . .FROM NOW ON, WHEN I LIFT MY BATON,

           THAT'S THE SIGNAL FOR YOU TO START PLAYING, NOT DRINKING .

BAND : (IAUD BOOS . . .BOO . . . . B000)

JACK : (I 1ew het one would go over big) _~                                      .
BOB : _    NOW   ~~ORE W~F~O ON THE AIR, I KNOWAZYOU WANT TO
                                   ~ -,
                              'AITRy, SO IF ANY OF YOU HAPPEN TO BE

                                                            nLI E J
           IN PCS3E8SION OF A BOTTLE OF SPIRITS, I w ~R-YOU TO
                                                          4R
                                                             ~-~ --•
           TNRCW IT IN THIS WASTIDASY,El' . . . . ALL RIGHI'A LEPrS GET

           ST-4FPF'~ .                                        -
                  (SOUND :    BOTTLES    START FALLING IT1T0 BASKEP ONE AT
                              AT TIME . . .TFEN A CASCADE OF THEbI . . .TI$V
                              PAUSE . . .AND A COUPLE MORE ARE DROPPED IN)




RM




                                                        Rr 80 1 00 2 0804                      1
                                                                                -3-

       JACK : WsrIL, RNriIIZY DROPPED NIS IN, WHO'S NID[T? . . . How about --
       DON : Rey Jack, come on,wiil you, come on .

       JACK : Don, let go of my ann .
       DON :      But we're going on the air irvfi few              minutes .


       JACK : So we're going on the a1r . . .wVbat are you so excited about?

                  You've beeq ~umpy all afternoon .
       DON : (GROM.PY) it's tha4diet my doctor~1gave me . .I'm not

                  allowed candy, cake, pie, potatoes . .,~lean't eat anything

                   I 1:JCe and it's making a nervous wreck out of me .

       JACK : Gee, that's svful . . .vhen did you go on this diet?

       DON : I start tcaorrov .
                                                                                ~
       JACK :     Well,   Don . .if St    bothers     you   so   much before yove m even
                   started, maybe, you'd better forget about it .
       DON : I cee't . I made a New Years                   resolution   to lose a
                   hundred   pounds     thie year .
       JACK : Row       much?


       DON : A tundred pounds .
       JACK : Don . . . .Don . . .I've known you for twenty-three years and the

                   on17 time a hundred pounds ever left your body was when

                   you :r.d your tonsils removed . . .Remember, they weighed

                  fifty Jounds each .

            N : 1U vYeat, w     soon   as I ceme to, I had to get off the table so
                        3ar could 11e down .
                   ne   minute    till air time, Jack .
       JACK : Oica7, vnere are the scripts, Don?
       DON : I heven't tot 'em .
~   JACK : Well, where are they? We're going on the air :




       BR



                                                                    arxo I oo 2 o 3 o 5
                                                                              -4-
                  _L -_ __k ,
  BCB : \Re1ax, Jack . . .here oomes the clerk from the mimeograph
                  department, he's got 'em .

  JACK : Well, it's about time . Say fellow why am you always

                  bringing in the scripts at the last minute?

  BESSER : Because I'm busv . I'm busv .

  JACK : But you bad plenty of time .

  8C3SER : Plenty of time, he eays . . .It's not that easy . I M gotta
                  type the~~e~c_ri~pt, make a stencil, ink the machine, put the

                  paper in~ ~u :rn the handle . . .I have to do everything
                  m eif t re' n orRanization, nothing is o~nized .

C JACK : ~ alsce i~j .. ..-.~.Q . .- e- . . .-">
                                                                . ,Ihs
  BESSER : Everything t a rush ,j6b, first the y.,.c..q!me ~wit.h[-V1 .~AeCm~os and
                                                         a
                  Andy script, then Our 1Y Bmoly{'p, then       JolI oftem g        then

                  your   lousy script . . .

  JACK : What?
  BESSER :^Then Bing Crosby .



  BESSER :                          --                    I         told       you --

                  them's no organization .

   JACK : Look, I'm going on the air in a minute and I can't be

                  bothered with your problems, so go already

             : I'm going, I'm going .                               .BE4SR

   JACK :         Goodbye .     -~                           ~

                       .
   BESSER : Coodb e . .~ -rye' B~vtfdTe so exceable~ .~-- .~-• •,~

                          (SCCND : DOOR CIqSES)

   JACK : iYC . .Now everybody hoilers at me . . . before Christmas
             -•   they're     all such angeis . . .SOmetimes I' think---


  BH




                                                          ATDftl7            0020306
                                                                                           I
                                                                       -5-

     DON : Oh-oh, Jack, we should be on the air now . . .ve're five
                seconds late .
     JACK : But we can't be . . .the producer is supposed to give me the

                signal . . . . Whera ls he? Why isn't he in the booth? . . . .

                There's no oraanization .

     DON : ~~A 6~,There he comes now, Jack .
     JACK : Okay . . .hit it, Bob .

     (BAND PL9Y8 OPfiNING TEEME UP AND DdAN)
     DON : THE WCKY STRIl(E PROGRA[d, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY

                LIVINGSTON, ROCIESTBR, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS
                TRUi .Y" DON WILSON .

     (APPIAUSE . . .MGSIC UP AND DOWN)
     DON : IADIN,4 AND GENTLEMEN, ALTHOUGH NEW YFARS EVP IS BERIfm US . .

                THE STRAINS OF "SHOULD OLD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT" LINGER

                ON . . . .SO RIGHT NOW I'D LIl(E TO BRING YOU ONE OF THE OLDEST

               ACQUAINTANCES I KNOW . . .AND HERE HgIS, JACK BRNNY .

     (APP7AUSF6 )
     JACK :QThank 61ou, thank you, thank you . . .Heilo again, this is

            ) Jack Banny tallcing . . .and Don,    ordinarily     I'd get back at

                you for that corny introduction, but we're starting a New-
                Year so I'm going to     forgive   and forget .
     DON : You are?

     JACK : Yer, I'm wiping theClq,te~clean . .p,nd,I'm golpg to start by
                paying up all my old fY~~,~-1-~rter I

                borrowed from you last June when we ate at the drug store . .
                You remember that .
\.


     BH




                                                         fiTK01 002030?
                                                                               -6-
                                                                     R<
BOB : Oh yeej ) thanks . . .Now how about thebten                    -MVMM     I won from

            you on the Rose       Bowl   game yesteiday?

JACR :J~,That's~,,,That's this year^ you'il have to wait untii 1956 for that .

BOB : y~ 40 Jack that )~he clrosapest ---
JACK :Ou1NO no, Bob, we're not going to have any bickering this

            year . The peopl .e are tired of insults, name-calling, and

            all that rowdy, old-hat comedy . From now on we're going

            to do only sophisticated humor . .We're going to have suave,

            smooth, high-Ala--

                   : SAME BIG CRASH OF DRUMS APID CYAIDALS)
                     ( 0
                                   ~,~,.
JACK : i ~ ., T HIM IAY THERE . . .~ ; As f was saying, we're going

            to do suave, sophisticated, smart comedy .                          ,

DON :       Gee, I'm       sune going to miss Dennis

        : % -,No, I already discussed this               with   Dennis, and he promised
                                                                .JACK
             to be a         diff ere nt person this year .
                        completely
                                     ~
BOB :~h.llBut Jack, do you think~Dennis can reaily change?

JACK :      Weil, he said he would, and after the                    talk   I gave him, I

             think he wiii . I       know     if he puts his mind to --

DSNNIS :    Hello,     everybody .

 JACK : Oh hslio,~~t,~~w~ii-• @w~ii-•@ ve vere   j   ust   talking   about you . . .How

             are              you,                   Dennis?                      -

DENNIS : (JUST       LOOKS    AROUND NONCHALENTLY AND DOHSN'T                ANSWER)


 JACK :      Dernis, how are you?
 DENNIS : (KEBPS       LOOKING   AROUNI))

 JACK : Dennis,         I'm talking      to   you    .

 DENNIS : No, you're not .

 JACK : Then who am I talking to?


  BH




                                                                 RTYS 0 1    00   20306     1
                                                                              -7-




DENNIS :
DENNIS :     Julius .


JACK :       What?                  -

IIENNIS : I to~i,d,~ you I'd be a different person this year .

JACK :        ~~;So you changed you .name to Julius, eh?

DENNIS : Yeah . . .That's my last name .

JACK : Your last name is Julius? What's your first name?

DENNIS :     Orange .


JACK : Hov cut that out .                 . . Orange Julius . Imagine naming

           .J ycuself after a drink .

DENNIS6h,I vas gonna call myseif Lipton Tea but I didn't know what

             t:e 'IT" stood for .

JACK :       MwS       top it, will you . . Here it is           the   first show of      the


             cav year        41   C-rightaway you gotta aggravate me . . I don't

             kncv      why   I even     talk   to you . . .Now iet's   just   have your

              sccc .

DENNIS : Sorry, Julius doesn't sing .

 JACK :      K.Mt?

DENNIS : Sat iie does birdcalls . . .Here's the Australia Woodwobbler . .
              (JC'S BIRDCALL)                       .

 JACK : i dcc't care what                 he   does ,   just sing .


 ~.

 ~
 JACK : (AA'~i .'9IF3) Orange Julius . . . .some sophisticated show I'm
              running .


 (DENNIS'S SOiiG)
 (APPIAIISE)




                                                                (iiYf09 0020309                 I
(SECCPID~ RaoUT~RE)                                                              -8-

JACK :\"        That was                                    . . .and very~t,

         )      too, Julius .

DENNIS :       You can call me Crange .
JACK : Look kid, let's just forget about that . I was wrong to

                expect you to be any different . A person 3ust doesn't
                c~tange over night .

IIENNIB :~+" M3~h- ~~+"M3 father did .

JACK : Fe did?
DENNIS :        Yeah, he woke up this morning and he was a new man .
                You should've seen him . He went up to my mother and-L-

                said, "First you're gonna make my breakfast, then you're
                going to wash the floor .,,after that you're going to
              . ir~n aLl my clothes, and when you're thzough with that,

                ycu're going to shine my shoesl"

JACK : Well, it's about time your father asserted himself . . .I'd
                liice to go over and congratulate him .

DENNIS :        We11, it's not far, he's at Cedars of Lebaqon .~ .~

JACK : WeLl Dennis, wish him a Happy New Year for me ww et's
                set or, with the --

DCN : Say, dack, I tried to get you a11 New Year's Day . Where
                were you?

JACK :~~ I was at the                Tournament     of Roses Parade in Pasadena . .,it

                was a beautiful sight .

DCN : Did you go alone ?                    Jeorm


JACK : tio, I had my date with me from New Year's Eve, and
                Rochester drove us down there .
~I~PC~it (jee, didn't you have to wake up awfb.lly early to get
                to Pasadena in           time?




CL



                                                               Rrxo 1 oozos 1 o          I
                                                                                            -9-

     JACK :It wasn ' t so bad                       . .Let me tell you about it . . .I set

                   the   alarm     for three thirty A .M . .    . .   at a quarter of four we

                   picked up my date . . .(FADE) and by four               o'clock    we were on

                   our way .
                           (50Ufm : FADE IN LOUSY CAR MOTOR . . .UP FOR A FEN

                                           SECONA9 . . .THEN DOWN)

     BE   A:       Gee, the      fog     really rolls    in at this hour of the morning .

                    I can't see more ct~h~a-n- twenty feet in front of               me .


     JACK : Really, Gertrudq!{ .I can see that street light at the end
                    of the block . . .CRofchester, what can you see?

     ROCH : NOTHING, MlC EYES ARE STILL CIASED .
     JACK : Well, open 'em, you're driving . And don't look so crabby .

     ROCH : BOSS, AT FOUR4WWWIN THE MORNIIiG EVEN LIBERACE AIN'T
                    SMILING .

     JACK : (MIMICKING) Four in the morning . .big deal . .Wherets your
                    vitallty . .Gertrude and I were out celebrating last night
                    and here we sre wide awake and full of pep .

     REA : Yeah, and we're older
               : Speak for yourself, John .
                                       .JACK

     BEA : Get him? Whose idea was it to call it a night at ten-
                    thirty? . . .The joint was just starting to jump .

         JACK :X~PWhat's the difference? While I was there, I was the life
                    of the party,, ~-<--~ 4 7

     HBA : Scxne life . . .(SILYAUGH)JCK

               :',What's so funny?

         BEA : You tried            to     l,ook so debonaire   drinking     hot chocolate out

`   of    my      slipper .



         CL




                                                                       Arxo1    0020311
     JACK : I only did that for a gag„Anyway, you'11 have to admit
        . that I showed you a swell time at that nlghtclub ., .Why I

               had you out on that dance floor every minute .

     BEA : Anything to keep me            from   eating .

     JACK : You ate, Sister : . . .And how you ate . I suppose that

               T-bone steak was a mirage . . .The last time I saw anyone
               wrestle meat that way, he had a branding iron .

     BEA : Very funny .

     JACK : *it, I6rB never         Vft   r. so embarrassed in ell my life .

               Everyone    was looking at us .

     BEA : They weren't looking at me, they were Looking at gou in

.   that   old     tuxedo .

     JACK : Old tuxedo .                                -

     BEA : Your pants were so tight you had to wear your garters on

               the outside .

     JACK : }6nmm .

     BE1 : Now I suppose you're gonna pout all day 'oause I told you
               off .

     JACK : I'm not gonna pout . . . .
                       (SOUPm : CAR STARTS . .MOTOR UP, TfM-N D4rlN)
     BEA : Gee, the fog is          lifting .                                         .

     JACK : Yeahz=WM looks like it's going to be a beeutlful day .
               Hey, Rochester, msybe you ought to put he to d                             .20«K• ~

     ROCH : OH BOSS, IET'S NOT PUP THE TOP DOWN,
     JACK : Why not?
     ROCH : IT'S SO MUCH TROUBIE TAKING DOWN THE CENTER POLG AND

~   PIIId.ING OiJT THE pEGS .                                                     .

     JACK : Oh yes, I forgot ., .This is the new one I bought ot the

               Army Surplus Store .




                                                            Arx   01   0020   3   12                 1
RGCH : YEAH . . .THE FiAP STILL SAYS "F]ETD HEADQUAATERS, GENERAL
                                         RIDGFNAY" .

JACK : Yeah .
HEA : How far are we from Pasadena?

RGCH :                                   ABOUT     TEN    MILES .


JACK : Oh, we'll be there in no time
                                                                                       .(TRANSIGMUC)
                                                 (SGUfID :      CAR MOTOR        CHU3GING AIANG)

JACK : Well, here we are in Pasadena-4JjLiCC only took us an hour
                                         and a half .

ROCH :                                   THAT'S        PRETTY   GOOD   TID7E .
JACK : Youtre darned right, considering we had to change a tire .

SEA :                                 Yeah . . .where can I wash this grease off my hands?

JACK : Just wipe it on this rag . . .Say the wayA traffic is getting
                                         thicker, we must be getting ~--

                                                 (SGII6ID : CAR        STOPPING)


JACK : Rochester, why are you~pping?
ROCH :                                   THEHE ' S AN OFFICER AT ~                   INTERSECTION .             HE ISN - T

                                         LE'ITTL7 ANYGNE TH RGUGH .

BEA :                                    Say,    that's      Colorado Doulevard . . .that ' s the one the parade
                                         comes down .

(MARCHING MUSIC AP RCACHING) JACK
                                    : Gee, she's right . . .Hey look, there comes a float .

BEA : Where, where, where?                                                       .

JACK : Right                                       o   ver there . . .it ' s the      "Official Tournament              of Roses"

                                         float .

HEA : And look at the four                                                drum majors                  riding on it .

JACK : Yeah, I think they ' re going to sing .




                                                                                                       RTX 0 1 0020313
    (INiRO TO AtMRICAH PATROL)                                                                   -12-


    QUART : WF?N YOU AEAR THAT DRUMMIN'
(
             YOU WIIS. IINOd WE'FE COMING

             AND TH6 IACKY STRIINS ARE ON PARALE
             THM'S NFsVRR A SLIP
             AND WE        NEVER        TRIP

             SO    PERFECT ARE WE MAUE

             YOU     CAN     HEAR THAT BEAT

             A'COMING DOdN THE STREEP
             YOU       ~HT TO
                     OUG                GET       IN STEP WTTH LUCKY STRIId;

             LLUKY STRIf m IS TOABTSD
       ~ IT'S T'r E             ONE      CIGARL•iTE YOU'LL LIKE

             SO    ROUND        AND FIRM AND FULLY PACK6D
             AND     J"LZT AS MILD AS                    IT    CAN      BE


             :   u HAPPY AND GO LWKY STRI10;
             AO SMOKE ANL5                        M F T


             AhU WFr.'N YOU HEA .R THAT "SOLD AMERICAN"

             3Y'3fiY TOM AND DICK AND HARRY CAN

             LIGIl` A LUCRY AND START PUFFIN' ~N03{IiG BEATS A LUCKY STRIKE


             C?2.n'°,v THRU AND THRU
             ?~iLUH PRESRER, TOO



             SO CIL+,R TAE WAY IT'5 LUCKIES DAY

             L S      MF T           1, 3 M F T,              L5       M F    T,   L S   MFT .

             FCR TN_A ~RICH ~TAST& OF FINE TOBACCO

             YOU      ARE SURE            TO LIlM

             T3.r~• .R: IS NOTHIN HALF AS GOOD AS

              PUFFIN ON A LUCKY STRIKE .

              LS MP T, L3 MF T .

     (APPIAUSE)



                                                                                     AiXU1 0020314      I
(THIIID                      ROUTIN~E)~                            -lj-

JACK : Say,~ thet as            great,   wesn't St .    . . .   NOw back up,      Rochester


             . . . .we better hurry and find a plece to               park .


ROCH : I CAN'T BACK UP, BOSS . . .TfERE'S FIbTY CARS LINED UP

             BEHIND    L8 .               ~A

JACK :       Gee, A   Ff we can't go forward , ~K^--••

BEA : Well, we're not             staying   here, are we?

JACK : No, this is ridiculous . I'm gonns talk to that officer,

             meybe he'll let us go through .

                     (SOUND :   CAR DOOR OPENS)

JACK :       I'll    be right back .

                     (SOUDID : CAR DOOR CIpSES . . .F00TSTEPS . . . BABBLE OF

                                CRCdD)

JACK : It          certainly    is crowded here . . .I've never seen such a
                                                                          a


             mob . . :'AW Y~eelly have to     fight     your way through here with



MEL : (IYiUNK) Say, pardon me,               Mister .


JACK : Huh?

MEL :    "   -Did you see my wife?

JACK : Your          wife?


MEL : (STARTI:D TO CRY) Yeah, I can't find her                            anywhere . . . I've


              1 oke a1 over nd I can't find her .
             G~i        ~; n r~. .-_.t_
 JACx :
 MEL : But           we've   been merrled for    twenty
                                                                          ~y~ -
                                                                year,s . .~ .We got   along


              so nice and we never even hed a fight . 4p.I                 just    gotta find

          ~p her .
 JACK :61-R,I'm sure you'll find her . How longhes she been missing?

 MEL : Nineteen years .


 BR




                                                                flT 801     0020395             1
       JACK :       . . . .Nineteen yearws, 1a[W you're still looking?

(   MEL : I just started . ."SoPtong, Buddy .
       JACK : So long .

       MEL : CHIAE, . .
                ~          (SOUND ;    FOOP8TEP8)

       JACKY~*1,It'e~~                      .some people really have their troubles . . . .

                    Now where's that policeman, . .Oh, there he is . . . . 8ay, Officer

                     . . . .Officer
                           . -/1' 4
       ARTIE : Whet can I do for --- WWJ it's you, Mr . Benny .

       JACK : Why, Mr . Kitzel :

        (APPLNUSE)

       JACK : Mr . Kitzel, what are you doing in a policemen's uniform?
. ARTIE : Arresting people, what else?

        JACK : Butthis is such a surprise . . .I mean, did you

' give up your other work?

        ARTIS : No, this is edditiott# . . .Every year for this parade I am a
                     deputy .

        JACK : Oh, I see . Do you like it?      .

        ARTIE : It's very pleasant . . .especially when my brother-in-law comes
                     by, . .Lest year d'-d I give him a ticket .

        JACK : You really ~~ot ~h'!.jp eh?
        ARTIE : H00 H00 HOO~ . .~J~wrote him up for speeding, making a
                     U-turn,          •l.
                                4555ft b      r akes, a defective horn, end faulty

                    , heed ights .

        JACK~! O~,hat must have              cost   him plenty .

        AATIE : It would have bct,unfortunately, I couldn't make it stick .

        JACK : Why not?
        ARTIE : He wes walking .


        BR




                                                                     Ar o
                                                                        9   1   oo o
                                                                                   2   316
                                                                 J .G .N . 11
                                                                ~RCGRAM I/1
                                                                REVISED SCRIPT




                            AMFAICAN   TOBACCO    CGMPANY

                                 _
                                  UJCKY STRIICE

                              THE JACK BffiM PRCGRAM


    SUNDAY   JANUARY   9,    1955             CBS        4 :00 - 4 :3o PM PST

                            (Transcribed      oct . 23, 1954)


                             CAST : Jack Benny
                                    Roohester
                                    Dennis Day
                                    Don Wilson
                                    gportsmen Quertet
                                    Mel Blanc
                                       Sam Hearn
                                       Herb Vigran
                                       Veola Vohn
                                       Benny Rubin




L

        CB




                                                            Rr 901   0   0 20 317   I
SEl #A THE AMERICAN TOBACCO CO~IPANY
              "THc JACK BpYiNY PRiA~i2AM' fil
                           January 9,        1955               SUNDAY
7 :00-7 :30 PM FST
OPENING COMMERCIAL
WII30N : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . transcribed and
                     presented by LUCKY STRIILg . . . the cigarette
                     that's toasted to taste better!
(TRANSCRIDID If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette,
COLLIN:t
WITH FULT . Lucky Strike is the brand to get!
ORCH . B .G .)
                     IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet .

                     It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) oig-a-rette

                       ey take fine tobacco, it's yig}7,F tobacco, i

                           1 Cku     obaoco, too .                   /

                     Then IT'S TOAS yes, IT'S T .k~.ds~i

                     because    the toasting b the flavor right

                           through.

                     So, to get ter           taste   from your cit-'s -rette,
                     huokvs the brand to get!

                          TOASTED      to give you the best taste yet,
                     It's the      toasted   (CLkP . . .CL9P, CLAP) cig-e-rette ?


WILSON :             This is Don Wilson . I'd like you to listen to

                     just the last part of that song once again .
(TRAN:CRIB ED
COLLIN: :            It's the      toasted   (CIAP . . .CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette!
WITH FULL
ORCH . B .G .)




   CB




                                                        19   rxoi   0020   31e
THE  JACK SNRaiY PROGRAM SEP vA
JANGAR7C 9 , 1955

WILSON :   That's one important reason a Lucky tastes
(CONT'D) better
                 . It's toasted! The fine tobacco that
                   goes into every Lucky is yo5stgf] .to taste better .
                   "IT'S TOASTED" -- the famous Luoky Strike process
                   -- brings Luckies' fine tobacco to its peak of

                   flavor -- tones up this light, mild, naturally

                   good-tasting tobacco to make it taste even better .
                   Cleaner, fresher, smoother . That's why we say
                   this : if vou went real eniovment fropLVour

                   cigarette . . . peye it Luckv Strike .
Optional :


TRANSCRIBID :      If you vent better taste from your cig-a-rette,
COLLINS :
WITH FULL          Lu okv   Strike   is the brand to get!
ORCH . B .G .)
                   IT'S   TOASTED    to give you the best taste yet .
                   It's the toasted (CI4P . . .CLAP,   CLAP)   cig-a-rette .




CB




                                                     fiiH01 0020319
(FIRST ROUTINE)
(AFTER COtERCIAL, MGSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : THE UJCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . .WITH MARY
             7.IVINGSTONE, ROCHB4TFR, DFddNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS
             TRULY" DON WIL40N .

(APPL4USE . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : LADIE3 AND GENTLIIAFI•1, TONIGHT JACK BENNY DOES HIS

             TEIEVISION SHOW, BUT MFANWHILE WE HAVE A RADIO PROGRAM TO

             D0 . YOU KNOW, ALMOST EVERY MORNING BEFORE BREAKFAST JACK

             TAKFS A NICE IANG WAIJC THROUGH BEVERLY HIIdS . .IT IS EARLY

             IN THE MORNING AND RIGHI' NOW HE IS IN THE MIDST OF HIS WALK

                   (SOUPID : FOOSTEPS ON STREEP . .COUPLE OF BIRDS CfQEjPING)
JACK : (EITHER SINGS OR HUMS FAJ BAIL4 OF BEAUTIFUL MORNING) ~~~Gee
             it's nice valking this early in the morning . .nobody is up . .

             everything is so quiet and peaceful .
MEL : (CHIRPS LIKE          SPARROW)


JACK :    C ik'; isn't
           (4
                         that   cute . .That sparrow muat be building   a   nest,
             he's gathering things for it .
MEL : / (SPARROW CHIRPS)

JACKaI~s„ Inok, he's cerrying a little piece of Kleenex . . .Wait a••
            AiasNE. .he's not building a nest, be's wiping his eyes•wilk

             1V, the smog is avful today . .
MEL : (CHIRPS AND CHOK6 OR SNEEdES .)
JACK : Yep, it        really    is   bad .


         /,// (S,?O~U.N-D~ ~oFOO~T~,TEPS CONTINUE IN B .G .)
                         :
JACK :L-~,But it> .3ssD~6 going outAearly . .

                   (GSOUND :~ HORSFS HOOVAS ON PAVIIMENT WITH SOUND OF WAGON,
CB




                                                      flt 8 01 0020320              1
                                                                         ~-
JACK : Everything is so pretty . .I 2ewe living in Beverly Hills . . .
            Gosh, look at thet . .I haven't seen a horse and wagon for
            years . .I'11 never forget the first time I was driving in

            my Maxaell and we passed a horse and wagon, and my car
            soared the horse . . . .Come to think of it, it soared the

            wagon,     t oo . . . Ha®, the d river look a ki nd o f f amiliar             0 "k^'-"`°

         : (CAISS) Hi ya, Rube .                                                ._HEARN
JACK :      ;ure, it's my farmer friend from Calabasses .
(APPL4USB)                                             _

JACK : iw, t are you doing osrWg here 6e Beverly Hills?
HEARN :      -       -                            . .I'm on my way back home .
JACK : Ch .ANW, what did you come to town for?
HEARN : Yesterday I vent down to the radio studio to appear on a

            new quiz program, Take It Or Milk It .

JACK :      Oh .


REAIW : But that ain't the first time I've been on radio . . .A couple

            of months ago my wife told me she'd like a Bendix on the

            farm, so I won one and brought~~ it ~home with me .
JACK : I'll bet that made her heppy~X-~-'6~ m

AEARN : Yopr, I brought home the wrong Bendix--she wented William .

            Hee hee hee hee . .Ceti?JAK
      : I got it, I got it .
HR•AR14 :1I You ain't the first sucker who fell for that one, Rube .

JACK :~/C/~I By the way, I meant to ask you something . .I've never been in

         ~ Celebasses . .400sift retty smell place, isn't it?

HEARN : Sure is . . They even have a special Burma Shave sign for the

            town .
 CB




                                                            flT7S09 0020321
                                                                    -3-

, JACKA'Ky What does it eay?

 ' HE4RIV : "If you sneeze or blink
                Or remove your glesses,
                You'11 miss the town
                0f_Cnalqpa~ss~es!"

      JACK :X~-~W~el ,Y' I'd b er run along now . .gee you again .

      AEARN : ~ So long, Rube .

      JACK : So long .

                 P (S~FOOTSTEPS . .SUSTAIN IN B .G .)
               )u~I wonder why he
      JAC\IZ -`)                     always calls   me Rube . .       _
                        s . .Oh vell, I better get home .

 ~_   ~"~      n~~ (50       : FO_ ST 0$,Q NTINUE) r
 1)

      JACK :    I wonder whose h            is is
                                       se thd/C9~~on t corner . .Oh, it's Jane
                Ruasells . 050-, she has such a high fence around it because

                she takes a sun bath every day . . .(SINGS) . .9ff,=f I had the

                xings of an angel . .Bhda da de da da de da . . . . .1ft, khere's

                                     .
                Phil Harris's house .~~R.,,eT{iat's a nice weather vane he put

                up on his chimney . . .An old Crox . .~YVhy didn't he use

                a bird instead of a bottle . . .Well, I better walk a little

                faster . . .I'm getting hungry .

                      (50UND : FOOTSTEPS PICK UP TIT1P0 AND BLi :ND INTO--)
      (TRANSITICN MUSIC)

                      (SOUNB : CUP BEING PLACID IN SAUCER . . .TnECLE OF

                                  SILVERWARE)

      JACK : Ahhh . . .Rochester, that was really a good breakfast .




      CS




                                                            flTM 0 1 0020322
HOCH : I'M GLsD YOU ENJOYED IT, MR . BENNY .

JACK : I sure did .

HOCH : WELL, IF YOU'RE DONE FiITING, MAYBE YOU OUGHC TO CHECK THIS
         LIST WITH ME, I'M GOING SHOPPING .
JACK : Oh, vhat do we need from the market?

HOCH :   CA.tL'iED GOOI t MEATS, VF7sEPABLFS,           EVERYTHING .


JACK : Well, let me see the list . . .One loaf of bread, five pounds

         of sugar . . .a bottle of ketchup . . .                          .

         -epw"VEg . .a box of corn flakes . .five pounds of flour . .three

         bcxes of          Jello . . . JELLO   ?
HOCH :   YFdE, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS WE FINALLY RAN OUT!
JACK :   Oh . .

 OCH :_ H= , I'LL GO NOW . .SEE YOU L4TER .
                   SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . .SCREFSI DOOR OPENS & CLOSBS) . .
JACK :   (SnM FEW BARS AGAIN OF "OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING") . . . .
               .
              .r~.atfe°.            --_
                                     ~                 --~s
                                                       _ -.                      =




                  (SOUND : DOOR BUZZEft)

                  (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS FOR FEW SECOND3 . . .D00R BUZZER AGAIN)
JACK : (Ci=) Coming, coming .

                  (SOUND : Fffi       FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR   OPINS)
JACK :   Oh, :.ello, Don .
DON :    Hi yJac . .I came over about the commercial .
JACK :   Oh, 1ccme~on in .

                  (SOUND : DOOR CIqSES),
                                     .
           Weit e minute . . .if you carce over about the oommerciel,
           vhere are the Sportsrt,en~_
CDON :     I` aked them to wai ^6in the car .? .I want a to                   speak   to
           you about          a   personal matter first .




                                                               fii}S 01       0020323      I
JACK : Oh, what is^it?
                    61
DON : iJellddon't like to trouble you with this . .but I still
              ^
          haven't received my salary check for last week,'s ahow .

JACK :   Oh . .gee . .well, 91d you talk to my business manager?

DONyw,n .o,I couldn't . . .They're having a riot up there and the

          werden/ out off all communications .         -

JACK :   ~. .lNell, maybe I can lend you some money till things
          settle down on the Rock,, .Row much do you need?
                         a.

JACK : Fifty dollers . .whet                     the   much for?

DON : I'm buying a               .
JACK :    B      n . .I only pay two dollars for a be          hy, should

                                                               : .Now bring
          the quartet in aqd let me heer the commercial .
DON :     Jack, ~~~~~ 'come out to the car . . .They're all

          packed up ew& they're going away . . .It'11 save a lot of

          trouble
                                                                   Oac°---
JACK : Well . . .s right .           Le
                  (SOUND : DOOR OPAT]S . . .FOOTSTEPS . .

                              IDUD BUZZING AND CRACKLING OF ELCCTRICITY)
DON : Jack . .Jack . .what's that?
           .   ./k'-
JACK :~f -,Thea .Colman's electric fence . .everytime I come out of the
          house, it goes on . . .8i ye, fellows .
QUARP : Nm¢mi .
DON : Boys, how about letting Jack beer your commercial .




CB




                                                       flT 90 7 0020324
                                                            -s-
QUART : OH WE AIN'T GOT A   BARREL   OF MONEY

        MAYBE WE"RE RAGGED AND   FUNNY


        BUT WE'LL TRAVEL AIANG, SINGING A SONG

        SIDE BY SIDE .

        DON'T KNOW WBAT'S COMIH' TOMORROW

        MAYBE IT'S TROUBLE AND SORROW

        BUT WE'LL TRAVEL THE ROAD

        SHARING OUR IlAD

        SIDE BY SIDE .
        THROUGH ALL I@7L8 OF WFATHER
        WHAT IF TH'n SNIES SHOULD FALL
         JUST AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGEPHIIi

     - IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL .                 -

        WHP2I THEY' VE ALL HAD THEIR QUARR111S AND PARTED
        WE'LL BE THE SAME AS WE STARTID

         JUST TRAVELING   AIANG, SINGING A SONG

         SIDE BY SIDE .
        AS YOU KNOW WE BEFAd WORffiN' FOR BENNY

         THAT'S WHY WE HAVER'T A PENNY
        BUT WITPHIUCKIES TO PUFF
        WE'RE HAPPY b'P]OUGH
                      .
         SIDE BY SIDE .

         LUCNTrS ARE ALWAYS SO PLEASIN'

         FINER TOBACCO'S THE REASON .

         GIVE US UJCKIES AND NATCH

        FOUR ON A M?TCH

      .- SIDE BY SIpE .


                                , .(MORE)




                                                  RT901       00203251
~ART : LUCKY STRIKES TASTE BENPII2
(CArPA) CLFANIIi AND FRE9Fffi2 T0 0
         LUCKY STRIICG3 AR1li SO biJOB SMOOT}ER

         YOUR FINFST SMORE IT IS TRUE .

         BEfTER TASTE IN A LBCKY WE'VE     BOASTED .


          ONE REASON   13 THAT   IT'S TOASTED

         WE WANTA REPEAT

          NOTHING CAN BEAT

          UJCRY STRRSE .

(APPLAUSE )




OB




                                                   fiTXOi 0020326   I
                                                                          -$-

(SECONDRO~II,PtItN<-G~)+ ~3--
JACK :~ Fe! lloqs, .that wesfine ~ .-IMMPWMM~ a great                      number   on the

            .   program .          . .

          . (SOIIfID : PHONE RTNGS,, .WAy OFF)
JACK : But~wi~ien you do it o ~, maybe you can get a

                little more bounce and . _L
                                   n         (~~
                       (80UND : PdONE RINGS WAY OFF AGAIN
DON : Jack, Jack . . .that's your phone ringing .

JACK : Oh my goodness and Rochester isn't home .
                   .0, : PH~(ONFi, AAAIN OFF )
6-s ~ -~ ... A~(~
 JACK : ~ I better run 15 etu7-Ka~ns•-w~e=r-it . . .so long, fellows .


                       (SOi1PID : RUNNING FOOTSTEPS AND PHONE RINGING

                                     DrPEHMTTTENTLY AND OETTING LOUDER TILL

                                 __FINALS.Y-RECEIVPsRObE3-GFF HDOKAN_ : JACK

                                     ANSWERS      PANTICI'i HEAYILY)

 JAOK : (PANPING)              Hello .


HERB : Hollo . . .can youtell me .rhet television program you're
                watching now?

 JACK : (PAlvirdG) I'm sorry, but I'm not wetching television

          ~p right now
      :ptlc, I see ., .Well, d'i you look at television lest night?
                        .HERB

 JACK : Er,,,yes ., .yes, I did .
 HERB : Would you mind telling me what programs you watohed?
 JACK : Let's see . .er, .,,Robert Montgomery, . .and Burns and Allen .
 EffRB : Well, would you mind telling me all about them, I don't
                heve a set .

 JACK :         . . .Well, Gracie        wanted   imAywyw a . . . Oh, +n#e, goodbye .
                      !SOUNn : RavvIV.ER narN)

 JG




                                                               A i 7501     0020327          1
JACK : Of all the silly things ., .Imegine the nerve of that guy '
         calling up and asking ma to tell him about television

          shows . . .I get the craziest phone calls . . .If I didn't
         have such a good laundry business, I'd get en unlisted

         number . Maybe I ought to have my name taken out of the

         phone book anyway . Or at least out of the yellow pages .

          I wonder if eve                          .

                (SOUND :    DOOR BlFLZER)

JAC%, (CALLS AND INIRRRU?'PS HIMSBLP') CH, ROCH, .,Oh, heYgone
          to the store,,,(CALLS) COMINGL, .COMING .

                 (SOBfID : ScY .4AL FOOTSTEPB, . .DOOR 0
                              .~•

MEL : Good a ernoon, Monsieur Benny .
JACK : Why, Profe or LsBlanc . . .I didn't ~Cpect you . . .I didn't

          know I wes s osed to take a /vlesson today .

MEL : You are not . . .I c over~ i~e to talk to you .
JACK : Certa4lly, Professor, . hat is it?
MEL : Monsieur Benny . . .I ' e a chence to play first violin
          for the Los Ang~s Philharm ic Orchestra .

JACK : Thet's wonder/ ul, 'rofessor . there anything I can
          dotohelp5

MEL :   Yes ., .Don't tell anyone I ever gave y violin lessons .
              i
JACK : Oh(~+ell, in other words, you went me to ive you
          charecter references .

M6L :st tell them you con't know me .
     ~u
JACJ~e But professor IsBlanc ., .A word from me might be v
  '/ helpful . After all, IM a big star .



JO




                                                  fiTH01 002032 8      1
                                                                    -10-

MEL : tMonsieur Benny, in comedy circles you are considered '
          one\of the biggest laugh-getters in the country . . .
          unfox~qnately you are considered the saY~ in music oircles,

JACK : Hn[mn . 11, at least I can wish you 3.Gck .
MEL : Thank yo Monsieur Benny .
JACK : When will ~ou give me my next vio in lesson?

MEL : I am giving ou no more violln eseons . . .we are through ., .,
          finished .

JACK :   Well, Professor                        guess this is goodbye .

MEL :     Yes, Monsieur Bend                revoir .

JACK :    Just a second, Profe           or, . .our essociation has been such

          a long one . .,and n              seems to be terminating, . .so

          I'd like to give                     xtra money as a little bonus . .

MEL :     No   thank   you,                       .I'd like to remember you

          just   the way      ou are .

JACK :    Oh . . .well, 'goodbye, Professor .

MEL :     Ooodbye,      onsieur Benny .
                  SOUND : DOOR CDSBS)

JACK : Oee, heven't practiced my violin in months . . .Well, I've
          go noth5ng to do today . . .Meybe I ough to start right
          no . . .(CALLS) OH, ROCkL9i'ER . . .ARE YOU BACK?
ROCH : ( OMING LN) YES , SLY .
JACK : I' going to do a little precticing . ./get me my violin .

ROCH : YO VIOLIN?, . .BU;           BOSS,    IT'S BRO:

JACK : Brok
ROCH : YiS, DIB 'T I'1RsLL YOU . T TIkL: YOU WETlP OUP ON

          PIM.SONAL    APPEARANCES,      YOU S.SNT YOUR VIOLIN BACK IN     YOUR


          TRUNK ., .AIm WkLN I UNPAC .CD IT, I FOUND OUT IT WAS

               .U
          SMASH^ .
JG




                                                         Hrx   01   0   020329
    JACK :         My violln . . .smashed . . .

    ROCH :               , SIR . . .IT'S BROKEN TO BITS . . .YOU'LL NEVER BE ABIS TO
                   PliAY IT AGAIN .

    JACK :         Well, the express company will have to pay for it .

    ROCH :         OH,      Rs5 'LL BE ~LAD       TO .


    JACK :         Never m             . .And not only will the express co

                   for it, but             will the insurance company .

    ROCH :         WHAT DO YOU MEA

    JACK :         Well, don't you re              iber . . .when I my agent I was

                   going to play on my pe ;               on    ppeerance tour, he

                    suggssted I take out a                     t insurance on my violin?

    ROCH :         NO, 110,    BOSS, THAT W              ON YOU ;

    JACK :          On me?

    ROCH :         YEAH, DON'T              RFMBfR? THE BLUE CNSS TURNED YOU OPER

                    TO T'HB             ROSS, APII) THg RED         CROSS   DEC

                    PtlPR            DISASTSR .

    JACK : Ww'll, send it out to be fixed right away . . .I                             t

                              (SOUND : PHONE RINGS)

        :
    ROCFC SHALL I ANSWER IT?

    JACK :          No, you     take     care of my violin . . .I'11 answer       it,


                              (SOUND : PHONE RINGS . . .RECEI)VER UP)

    JACK : Hello .
    I   E   NNIS : Hello, Mr . Benny .
    JACK : Oh,              hello,     Dennis .
    DENNIS : How ere you feeling?

    JACK :          Fine,     fine .

l   DENNIS :        It's a nice day today, isn't it?



     JG




                                                                            fii901 0020330   I
                                                                                         -I2-


JACK : It sure is .

IENNIS : If it's a nice day tomorrow, will you come and visit me?

JACK :      . . .Visit you . . .where are you?
I 9NNI8 : In      jail .


JACK : (STILL CAIM AS BEFORE) That's nice . . .Now Dennis, when

         ~~~ you do your song next Sunday, I---
IIENNISWit/ Mr . Benny, aren't you excited or anything . I maybe here
            for twenty years .

JACK : Good, good . . .Now Dennis, when you do your ---
DENNIS :We11, gee, aren't you worried?

JACK : Denr.is, you've been calling me up with a lot of silly
            talk for so many years that I never believe one word

            you sey .

                           . (SOUND : MAHCHING FEET START FADII~Y'i IN)
JACK : You make up the                             silliest   most absurd   things   I've ever

            heard . . .and I'd be a fool if I thought for one minute

            t*dib~                            ..

I>L+NNIS : IJO got to hang up now, we're going to                              lunch .


JACK :      Wait     a minute, Dennis . . .Those marching feet . . .Dennis,
            you naan you're                        really   in jail?

DENNIS :    No,    Mr .    Benny, I                 was   only kidding . . .I'm at the studio . . ypw ~-e
            we're making a television picture ebout a prison riot                                J,
             and I'm playing the part of an escaping convict .
                      (SOUND :GUN5H01')DEIS
         : 0ocooh
                       . (SOUND : GUN SHOT)
IISNNIS : Oooooh .
                       (SOUND :               GUN     SHOT)
JG




                                                                         RTYf 0 1 0020331                   1
                                                                               -13-

DENNIS :    Oooooh .


JACK : Dennis, what's happening?                               .

DENNIS : Dress rehearsal .

JACK :     Oh . .oh, well, then I better hang up, . .Goodbye .

                   (SOUND :          GUN SHCIP)

lENNIS : Oooooh .       . . .   Goodbye .

                  ~(SODfID : RECLIVER DOv7N)

JACK : ®ie, - khat must be some picture he's making . . .Well, I®B
             got s lot of tLre on my hands today . . .I don't know what
             to do . . .Maybe I'll go out to my golf course and -- Nab,
             I already did a lot of walking this morning . . .I'm a

             little too tired to carr`y~ all those clubs . .no matter
             how much they tip me . .cQKCan't practice -m~y violin, it's
             broken . . .It's too early to go to bed . .IR think I'll go
             in my library and read a book .

                       (SOUND :       COUPIB   FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR OPENS)




  JG




                                                               fiTYS 01      0020332   1
                                                                          -1N-
                                      C~
JACK : Gee, IMS got lot* of books here . . .Most of them have been

          best sellers, too,,,Not As A Btranger .,,The Caine Mutiny . . .
          Here'a one . . ."I Looked and I Listened" by Ben Gross . . .

          "Treadmill to Oblivion" by Fred Allen .~it 'sure is a
          good book . . .You know, it's a=mFAKrhing . . .on account of

          that feud we had, so many people think that Fred Allen

          hates and despises me . Unfortunately, Fred happens to

          be one of those people . . .Gee, here are some books I've

          saved from the time I was a kid . . ."The Adventures of

          Huckleberry Finn", .,"Tom Swift and His Electric Rifl .e" . . . .

          Oh, here's one that was given to me by my father . . .

          "What Every Boy Should Know" . . .1 remember pepe gave it
          to me because he was too embarrassed to tell me about

          the birds and the bees . .,The bees go around getting
          honey out of the flowers---What's so embarrassing about
          that? . . .Msybe I should have read the second chapter . . .
          Seyyyy, here's a book I hgven't reed . . ."The Mystery of

          The Elephant's Graveyard"" ./~Phat sounds like an
          exciting book, . .I'1sitdownare(SOU
                                :]0 : SITTING DQJN . . .PAGES 0F BOOK OPEN)

JACK : "The Mystery of the Elephant's Grave Yard" . .Chapter One . .
(MUSIC)




JO




                                                            flT 801    0 0 2 0 333   1
                                                                       -15-

JACK : (FILTFR) MY NAME IS JACK STANLEY . .I AM BY BIRTH A
                                                       .
                                                       0
         WE4LTHY HEIIi, BUT Sf DESIRE AN E%PIARER P .NDABIG GMPn

           HUNTHR . . .WHEN I DECIDI9 TO ILICATE THE ELEPHANT'S GRAVE
           YARD I WAS WARNED OF THE MANY DANGERS            LURKING    IN THE

           HEART OF     DARKEST   AFRICA . .80 I TOOK PRECAUTIONS . .FOR THE

           FIr3tCE   ANIMALS,     I HAD A POWERFGi. RIFLE . . .FOR    THE   DREADID

           DISEASE     OF   MALARIA,   I HAD A HUGE SUPPLY OF QUININE . .AS'IIl

           FOR   TEE   FIFRCE   NATIVES   WHO SARINK HUMAN HEADS, I HAD

           MY H?AD SANFGRIZID . . .ON THE FORTY-FIRST DAY OF OUR

           JOURNEY, WE WERE HACKING OUR WAY THROUGH DENSE JUNGLE

           UNDFSiGROWTH WHNN SUDDENLY THE NATIVE POR'fERS STOPPFI)

           AND SPA .2TED A DISCONT0FPID MURMUR .

        . - (SOUND : BABBLE OF VOICES .)

JACK : I TIrRLtD TO MY PARTNER AND SAID . . . .

            (RcG . iSIKE)    What's    vrong with the natives, Wilson?

DON : I don't know, I'11 ask them . . .(CALLS) OGGA MOOGA NAGAILAH
            BWANA . .NAHOOL ANGARA?

MEL : Nooga nooga male . Milala               henna   narwel .

DON : He says the men refuce to go any further . .they're hungry . .
            for fifteen days they've had no food or drink .

JACK : i~A-,1t's their own fault . . .I told them to join the
            Diner's C1ub . . .Ask him how far it is to the Elephant's

            Graveycrd .
DON : Naweela mooga lakoota               maivah booga-booga     nsrwal?

MEL :       Magoowa .




 MS




                                                         RTK0 1 0020334               1
                                                                                                   -16-

DON :       He says it's three day/~ journey if you go by the mountain

            route, but if you teka ~ short cut by the river, it's
            only two days providing you don't run into the unfriendly

            pygmy tribes or crocodiles .

JACK :       . . MagoDxa . .mQaps a11 ttlat                       . . . .   Just magoova?
                                ..~ ..-zK ~L              ~/~n
MEL :       Pogga     poona                  lakoota og          egeilab b ana engara booga-mowa

          ~~`jyse-t~ oomg~kowa noola .
DON :      • He~ d, "Give me~'K~                                       x, this smog       is,/ki   ll .ing me .

JACK :      Oh, yes . . .He used to be a sparrow . . .Come on, let's get
            going .
                    (SOUND :H4BBLE OF VOICES)
            The natives are restless . . .we better get them some food
            and quickly, too

JACK :           . . .come on, let's go hunt some .
                               .-Okay
                    (SOUND : FoOTSTEPS . .APID NOW WE FPnAR JUNGLE

                                               NOISES . . . SUSTAIN          IN B .G .)

JACK : Come on . . .follow me . .this looks like a good place to hunt . .

DON : Careful 90 this undergrowth . . .®i look out for those
            thorns . . . they're                  very long .

JACK : Yeah .
                    (SOUND :LONGUDRIP)JACK
         : Ouch!

DON : Did you tear your shirt?
JACK : I would have if I had a shirt on . .Anyway, I don't mind .

DON : Why in the world would you take your shirt off going
            thi•ough this dense underbrush?

JACK : Shirts cost money, skin I can grow . . .



MS




                                                                                   ATX 0 1 002 0 335              i
                                                             -I7-

JACK : (PILTFR) THE HUNT WAS A HUGE WCCESS ., .WE GOT AN ANTEIDFi
         A LION, A$AFALJ AND A TIGER . .OH, I IINOW THAT TIGF3iS ARE
         ONLY BOUND IN INDIA, BUT THIS ONE HAD BESN ON A@UIZ

         PROQtAM AND HAD WON TWO GLORIOUS WEIICS IN AFRICA . .THE MEN
         WFRE DELIGHPED WITH TEE FOOD AND WE CAMPED THERE FOR        HE

         NIGYS .U .OH . YOU MAY TFIINK IT SfRANGE OF NL SSYBHFF
         ~-
         THBSE HIPS ' . .E ` 0 FIP PHAIrTS' GRAVEYARD,
         BUT IVORY I UABLE COMMOD           . T IS USED FOR MAKING

         ~~ STATUES, C JFWE7RY, CHESS Sc!S, H4LLS,
         AND TENORS' HEADS,)/! .THE NIGHP SEEMED END?ESS, I COUND NOT

         SLEEP .
               (SOUND : JUNGLE NOISES)
JACK : (FILTER) IN ADDITION TO TI& USUAL SOUPUlS OF THE JUNGLE

         THE AIR WAS RE'NP BY THE ROAR OF A LION .      .

MEL :    (ROARS)


JACK : THE SNORT OF THE WAT'92 BUFFAIA .

MII, : (SNORTS)                       .

JACK : THE CHATTER OF TRE MONKEYS .

MAL : (CH4TTFItS)

JACK : THE SNARL OF THE PANTHQi ."
MEL : (SNARLS)

JACK : AND THE WEIRD PL4INTNG CRY OF THE GIRAFFF. . .(PAUSE) . . .
         THE WEIRD PL4INPIVE CRY OF THE GIHAFFE .

JACK : (PAUSE . . .THr.'T] ON REGULAR MIKE) Mel?
MFL . : Giraffes don't make no noise .
JACK :             J

JACK : (FILTI€d) THE LAUGH OF THE

MEL : (DOES }KENA)



MS



                                              arx 01 00 2 033 6
JACK : 3I9t . . .A SOUT}rratN HYENAl1 .IN THE MO`tNING THE MEN WERE

          REFRESH® AND 14E TRA 4YVEIdE9 ALL THE NF7T DAY, AND IT WAS

          TOWARDS DU3C THAT WE CAME TO A LITTLE CLFi1RING IN THE

          JUNGLE AND THERL S}IE SPOOD .

VEOL4 : (OOMPfiY) Thank          goodness . . . at    last, you found me .

JACK :    (FILTER)       SHE   WAS   BEAUTIFUL,      AND ALTHOUGH   SHE   HAD BM

          TRAVELLING      FOR MANY DAYS THROUGH THE DFeY SE JUNGLE, HrTt
          CIATHES WIItE NOT      AV    THE LEAST~RIPPID ., .FORTUNATELY SHi
          H4D   EN   COUNTERED NO THRONS . . .FORTUNATELY??? . . .THGN S11E
          SEGAN TO SPEAK .
VDOLA : Oh, I'm so glad . . .after all these days of travelling
          through this horrible jungle . .hiding from the animals . .
          avoiding the natives . .fighting off all the dangers, and,

          now you've found me and I'm safe .
JACK : (REG . MIKE) Don't be too sure . .Nov tell me, What are you
          doing here Sn the junEle?

VEOIA : I came to Africa on a scientific expedition with Professor

          Ludvig Von Krause, but his lust for pover got the better

          of him . He has set himself up as king of a native tribe . . .

          :e wented me to be his queen, but I escaped .




RUBIN :    (COMING IN) Nagoola heele marvah .

JACK :    What's      that?

RUBIN :   Me messenger . . .Me look for you many moons . .me bring you
          this message .


MS




                                                          ATK09 002033?
                                                                         -19-

JACK : Wait a minute . .I'm in the uncharted jungles of Africa . . .

               hov did you ever find me?

RUBIN : Me find-um your address in yellow pages

       : Oh .                                                  .JACK

DON : What does the message say?

JACK : It's from the British Home Office in equatorial Africa . .
               It says, "Beware of Professor Ludvig Von Krause, he is

     , preparing to take over all of Africa ."

                         (SOUND : NATIVE DRUMS . .LOUD . .ANI) SHOUTS OF NATiVES)

JACK : (FILTER) THE WARNING CAME TOO LATE, BECAUSE JUST THEN

               WS WERE SURROUDIDED BY A Ifl]ARDE OF SCREAMING SAVAGES WH0

               TOOK US CAPTIVE AND BROUGHI' US IPP1'0 TNE PRESENOE OF THE

               CRUF.I' ., AMBITIOUS PROFESSOR . .HE UJOKED AT US AND SAID .

DENNIS : (CIIIMtMN) Down on your knees, you^schvinehundts, you are
                Sn the presence of the great Professor Ludvig Von Krause .

JACK : Nov look --

DENNIS : Kneel, you dumbkopf . .I am the great Von Krause, discoverer
                of penicillin, inventor of atomic energy, and chust this
                morning I hav made the greatest scientific discovery of

                the century .

JACK : Wnet's that?

DENNIS : I haf perfected Brew 103 .

JACK : Bmmmm .~,-jl„gMDENIS
            : Now I hav made up my mind what to do~n4W~em : .TheAg'"irl "

                I v'_I1 keep, but the rest of you I am going to throw to

                the crocodiles .                     -                   .




MS




                                                           fli 8 01 0 0 20338
                                                                                                 -2G-

                   ~
VHCLP. : No noAdon't keep mo . .That would be a fate worse than

           death . .Throv me to the crocodiles, too .
SPGRT@ffiV, MEL
RUBIN, DCN, ETE : 1[MIRAY .

JACK : Who vas that?
DENNIS : The crocodiles .

JACK : Now look
DENNIS : Shut up . .ooooh, you ma e me so mad . . .Now co m e 'h' ~ me..eg,L, .
                                                        `'° er
           and   sit        on   this   throne^beside me .                                   .
JACK : Weit a minute . .why do you want to kill all the men and just
           keep her?

DENNIS :   . . .You better go home and read the second chapter of what
           every boy should koow . . .A11 right, guards, tie these men_

           up and throw them to the crocodiles .

JACK : Oh, no you don't . Now don't make a move . . .I've got you

           covered with this gun!

VSGIA : Look out, his guard is throwing a spear at you!
                   (   SO   UiU1 :   LOUD   THUD . .APm                 PISTOL    SE O T)

JACK : (FILTFZ)              THE SPEAR      WENT THROUGH ME JUST AS MY BULLET                             KILLED


           HIM . . .ASd'HCUGH I WAS           LUCKY                  TH4T THE     SPEAR     DIDN'T   00   THRCUGH

           MY    HEART,          TF a DCCTCRS HAD                    BAD NEWS    FOR ME . .IT WCULD BE

           FATAL TO RE!OVE IT . .SC              FOR                  ALL THESE YEARS I HAVE REF,:V

           GCING PRCUND WITH A SPEAR STICKING                                    OUT OF     ME . . .THIS DDESN'T
           DJTHER ME NCRMALLY, BUT AT A PARTY WHFSfEVFR WE PiAY                                           CHARADE


           EVERYONE           GUESSES THAT I'M AN HORS                          D'OEUVRES .      THAT IS hff'

           STCRY . . .YES, I, LIKE ALL THOSE BEP`GRE ME, FAILED                                      TO   FIND

           THE ELEPHANi'S GRAVEYARD
                                                  .(APLUSENDIYGFr)                                               .


MS




                                                                                flT 80 1 0020339
                                                                                                                     1
BIG BBOTHFi2S



JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, when a feller needs a friend . .he
                  needs a helping hand . And the hands of .the BIG ffitOTlfrYtS
                  have helped thousands of growing boys to find the way to a

                  useful life . . .Since the first BIG H2OTFiFR movement was
                  formed in 1904, to the many thousands of men who daily
                  volunteer to help, I say congratulations for a job well

                  done . If you are interested in being a BIG BAOT}ER to some
                  needy boy . . . . Write - BIG BROTBIItS OF AMFTcICA - Philadelphia

                  3, Pennsylvania .
                  Thank you .

(APPLP.USE)-DON
        : Jack srill be back in just a minute, to tell you about his
                  television show which goes on immediately after this

                  program, but first---the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike . .Miss

                  Dorothy Collins!



DON : Jack i+ill be back in just a minute to tell you about his
                  television show which goes on at seven o block over the

                  CBS netuork . . .but first---the Sweetheart of Locky Strike . .
                  Miss Dorothy Collins .




MS

                                      s




                                                         Fir 9 07 oo2o 34 o
                                                               -22-




CLOSING   C06IDZERCIF .L

 (TRANSCRIBCD) "If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette,
FULL SONG :
          Luc Strike is the brand to get!
           IT'S TOASTID to give you the best taste yet
           It's the toasted (CL4P . . .CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette!


           They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's
           mild tobacco, too

           Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED,

           because the toasting brings the flavor right

           through .


           So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette
           Luc Strike is the brand to get!

           IT'S TOASI'ED to give you the best taste yet,

           It's the toasted (CL4P . . .CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette!
WILSON Friends, your enjoyment of a cigarette is just as simple
           e.s thet! (SiAWLY, WITH FMPHASIS) I£ you want better taste

           from your cigarette - Luc Strike is the brand to get .

           It's toasted to taste better . Naturally, Luckies' better

           taste begins just where you'd expect it to begin . With fine

           tobacco . LS/MFT - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . And

           then--that tobacco is toasted . "IT'S TOP.STSD" -- the famous

           Lucky Strike process--tones up Luckies' naturally good-

           tasting tobacco to make it taste even better . Cleaner,

           fresher, smoother . So next time . . .get better taste .

           Get Lucky Strike .
(TRANSCRIBED    If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette,
COLLINS WITH
FULL ORCH . S .G .) Luc  Strike is the brand to get!


                  IT'S TOASTID to give you the best taste yet,

                  It's-the toasted (CL4P . . .CL4P, CLAP) cig-a-rette!

MS



                                                   ftrxo 1 oo2o3 41
                                                                    -23-



(TAG)


                 (SOUND : DIALING OF PHONE)


DON•Nhat are you doing, Jack?
Jm calling my writers .
DON : Hhat do you want them for?

JACK : I have to do my television show tonight and I can't ad lib
         my way out of Africa .

DON :    What?
JACK :

DON :    Angara~ ~,--~- That means he' 1 see you on television, folks . . .don't
          orget to watch it .

          .ALm MUSIC)                                                      .

DON :    The Jack Benny Program tonight was written by Mi1t
         Josefsberg, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman, and
         produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .

                   :-8ennv P        am is brought to you ~tr
         product of tha o acco

l~ leading manufacturer of clgarett es                 .

----------------------




MS




                                                           AiX01 0020342           I
                                                                     _22_

HERBENT TANyTON
HR   301F
             ?ilter smokers : True    tobacco      teate . . .reel filtration . .

             famous TAREYTON quality . . .they're all yours when you
             smoke Filter Tip TARw'YRbN . Filter Tip TAR°YTON gives
             you ell the full, rich       taste   of TA ME YTON'S quality
             tobacco end real filtration, too, because Filter Tip

             'A.FL~'YTON incorporates Activated       Charcoal,   renowned for

             2ts unusual powers of selective filtration . Look for

             t he red, white end blue stripes on the          package .     They

             :denfify Filter Tip TAREYTON, the best in            filtered


             sr,oking .


LON :       ="4    Jack Benny   program   was    brought to you by the

             '~ rican     Tobacco Company   ..    America's   leading

             ma   nufecturer of cigerettes .




TB




                                                   RTX01 0020343 1
                                                   PROGRAMl#17
                                                   REVISED SCRIPT




                 AMHtICAN TOBACCO C06ffANY

                          UJCKY            STRIiE               ,   '   ''

                   THE JACK BEhII9Y PROGRAM

S[RaNY, JANCARY 16, 1955 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST


                (Trenscribed - Oct . 27, 1954)


              CAST : JACK BENNY
                      MARY LIVINOSTONE
                      ROCEESTER
                      DENNIS DAY

                      BOB CROSBY DON WII,40N
                      SPORTSMEN QUARTHT
                      MII, BLANC
                      HAL MARCH
                      BENNY HUBIN




RT




                                               A   r 0
                                                   8     1   0020344
    AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY                                                -A-
M    JACK BENNY PROGRAM" #2
JANUARY 16, 1955
oPSNINa Ca+n+ EaCIAi
WILSON :       TH5 JACK BENNY       PROGRAM    . . . transcribed and presented

               by Iucky    Strike    . . . the cigarette that's      toasted    to

               taste better .
(TRANSCRIBED :If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette,
 CALYPSO
 VSRSION OF Luc :cy Strike is the brand to get!

 SONG-37 SEC) IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet .

               It's    the toasted (CIAP . . .     CLAP,    CIAP) cig-a-rette .

                  y take fine       tobacco,   it's light tobacco,

           I   it's tobacoo, too
               T!en IT' S T yes, IT'S TOAS

               because the toasting the flavor right through .

               So, to get bette ste from ur cig-a-rette,
               Iu C57 Str is         the   brand to get :

                                                    .e
               IT'S STED to give you the best taste y
               I's the toasted (CIAP . . .         CLAP, CLAP)      cig-a-ret
WILSON : Th±s is Don Wilson . The song you just heaxd has an

               important message for everyone who smokes . The sure

               way to get better taste from your cigarette ie to

               make sure you get Lucky Strike . It's toasted to

               taste better . Of course the better taste of a Lucky

               begirs with fine tobacco . And then, that fine

               tobacco is toasted . "IT-S TOASTED" -- the famous

               Lucky Strike process -- tones up this naturally mild,

               gocd-tasting tobacco to make it taste even better .

               Clear.er, Fresher, Smoother . Yes, a Lucky tastes ,

               better because it's the cigarette of fine tobacco and

               it's toasted . . to taste better . So -- Be Happy --

               Go Lucky!




                                                       »rx     07    0020345
                                                                                                                                -1-


(FIRST ROUTINE)

(AFTFR    COMMERCIAL,   MUSIC UP AND    DOWN)


DON : TH6 Il1CKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . .
                                                                   .WITH MARY LIV NGSTONE, ROCHFSTFSt, DERNIS DAY, BO CROSBY,

            AND "YOURS TRULY" DON      WILSON .


(APPLAUSE . . .NUSIC UP AND DOWN)
DON : AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLFNIEN, IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE

            TO BRING YOU THAT --
BOB : Hold it,,ho d It, Don . . .Jack isn't here .

DON1G&a few minutes ago, where is he?
MARY :      He just went in the other room to talk to his writers . . .
            O-h~-~boy, is Jack burned upt

BOB :A)4V~GThq~fe two guys get away with murder . They never have a
            program written till the last minute .

MARY : Well, I'm going in and see what's happening . . .Gee, he's

            always having trouble with his writers .

                  (SOUND : FEW   FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR   OPENS)
JACK : Now look, fellows, if I told you once, I told you-jWpt

            times . . .you've got to have the program written before we

            go on the air . . .Every week we just barely make it 7fi now

            today, look what happens . . .no soript at all .

             ell, what are you worried about?
 m          (MOOLEY)          it's only
JACK : It's not Fridgy.~1Y~~Sun                    d there's no   excuse                                                         for
            y~s no owing it, I gave both of                       lenders                                                         for
            Chris s . . .I knew this would happen some day .
MARCH :      el    e were stuck this week .
dEL :       Yeah, we didn't have no inspiration .

RT




                                                          fiTX01 0020346
                                                                                -2-


JACK : Oh, you didn't .
MEL :     Don't yell at me,       I'll   fly to   pieces .


JACK : I'm not yelling . . .I'm just asking you to work, that's all .

          You're working for me . . .I'm paying you to work .
MARCH : And that's another thing, we want more dough .

JACK ;    Well, you certainly pioked the right time to                  ask   me

                                           . . .vhy do you want more money?
                                                                       .You'regtinplyo,
MEL : We w9nna get a room tonight .
                      i..
JACK :    N   gyAcut t ha4 out . ine team of
                         t                          writers      I've got . I've
          been looking for you all week, where were you?
MARCH : Palm

MEL :     Springs .
JACK : You're not supposed to be in Palm Springs, you're supposed
          to be here with me .

MARY : Come on, Jack, we're waiting for you .
JACK : ~A B'~here in a minute . . .Now look, felloes --

MARCH :~, ~H~E~Y, WHJ~S THg DAt~?
JACK : ~hat's Mary Livingstone, and she's not a dame . . .You've met

          her at least four hundred times .
MGL :     Oh, yeah, that's the girl we write for,                Harry .


MARCH :   You're    Harry,   I'm Se~ .
JACK : AND I'M JACK BSNNY,GLA^D TO KNOW YOU .{ .NOw listen,

 UR       Jack, you better hurry up . . .Let Gilbert livan alone .
JACK :    I           ou, Mary,   I'll   be the        . a minute .
MARY : Okay .
MGh & MARCH WHISTLE
JACK : AND S'




                                                             arx 01        00   2 0347    I
                                                                        -3-

JACK : Nov look, fellows, ~'re on the air, so I'm going out and

          do the beP+ I can . . .Meanwhile, you stay right here and
                      ind of a play for us .
                     ~     k o-..,. _
MQ, : Okey ! ., * , hoW,ebOUt a Murder Mystery?

JACK :   A          .r
             murder mystery?                            ~

MQ . : YOU KNOW, WHERE A GUY COMES HOME AND^FINDS HIS WIFE IN

          THE ARMS OF ANOT}ER MAN --

MARCH : THE       HUSBAND   SAYS . . .gOW I   GOTCHA!

MEL : WHY JULIUS, WHAT ARE 7[Q[I_ DOING HFRE?

MARCH : YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING }ERE, I DIDN'T GO TO SCRANTON AT
          ALL .

          JIi Sl ~J iLIU3 . . . PVT DOW1V THqT4 ~
   CH : OH NO . . .BANCVIEA{iGBAP BANG SANG BANG~
MEL : GGGGGGOH . . .iG/GGOOOG . . .GOOtnnt~~ ~i-
            ~~
         ~
JACK :~ NWV, FINE . . .WRITE IT UP, WRITE ANYTHING . .      . JUST   SO WE CAN
          HAVE A PRCGRAM . . .NCW BRING IT IN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE .
MARCH :I7 Okay . . .Give me the pencil, Harry .
MEL :~K You got it, Sam, I gave it to you yesterdey .

MARCH : NSNo, IA~it back to you .
MEL : Yeah, but after that, I put it in your --
JACK : HERE, USE MY PINCIL . . .FOR HEAVU'~f'S SAKE,AGEP STRE                 .
          NOW GO TO WORK .
                   (SCUND : DOOR SLAMS . .,FOOTSTEPS)
JACK : Darn those guys . . .Thgy go to Palm Springs and I have no

          broadoest .
DON : Whet's the matter, Jeok . . :®e you having trouble vith

          your writers again?




                                                        AT 90 7 0020348
                                                                        -4-
JACK : Ye"n, every week they're getting lazier . . .ARdrliow
          tonight, no material at all .
DON :    Well, why don't you fire 'em?

MARY :   He can't . . .They dug up a photograph of Jack when he was
          in the third grade .
BOB :/L:JCh What's wrong with thet?

MARY : He was the only kid with a         moustache .          -
JACK : IWIt was just fuzz, you could hardly see it . . .Anyway,

          that picture has r.cthing to do with my wrlters . . .71' this

          ever happens again, I will fire 'em .
DON : Well Jack, if there's no script, what do we do now?

JACK : We'll just have to stell . . .Say Bob, how about a number from

          the boys in the bar.d4-/
BOB : Okey, but I'11 need e-WW'minutes to round 'em up .

JACK : Oh for heavens seke . . .xhet's the matter with those fellows?

          The minute the intr :duation is over, they elweys"d _iseppear .
BOB : Well, they do 't heve to play again ,L'~ Dennis
                                          •~ ••~- ~.e
                                                                   p

          and they get 4 restless   Oft   sitting,?on the   bandstand .


JACK : v~ too bad . . .I want 'em on the stage throughout the show .
        Where are they?
           `
BOB : ,~ , ~ some of them are qt that little bar across the street . . .
                   tW G-•-+
        and Bagby, Fletch,I :;urtze, Bridvell, and Sammy the Drummer

          are baekstageA~in a gin geme .
JACK :   Five of 'em? How    I=  . five   play   gin?
BOB : , Oh, Sammy doesn't play, they use his head to keep score on .
JACK :
       a
BOBJJt ..t:, After a long game it looks like he's got hair .




                                                        Ri 90 1    00   2 0 349   I
                                                                            -5-


aBBUMMMIC
            41agwepth .


JACK : '1M Bob, I hate to be a spoil sport, but I wish you'd get
             the boys back on the stage .
MARY : Iti_s a shame, Bob . . .Look . . .Frankie Remley's the only one
             on the stend .
JACK : That's right . . .end you know why?. Because Frankie takes an

             interest in the sh~ow .~ He's the only one of the whole
             bunch who's loyal,' ~~~pendable, and always on the job .

BOB :       Well,    I'll   vake him .ld tell him ptlri®M that .
JACK : He's alseep? But           4M   , his eyes are      open,


MARY : Oh Jack, don't tell me that trick of his has yyyb fooled,
             too .

JACK : What trick?
MARY : He's got pupils painted on his eyelids .

JAOK : Gee . . .he must have taken a lot of trouble with 'am . . .
             They're bloodshot and everything . . .But k1ds, this isn't

             solving our problem . . .What can we do to fill time till
             the script is ready?
DON : Well, Jack, you ought to be able to do something . . . After

        . ell, you're the star of the show .
JACK : But Don, it's not that easy . . .I don't sing . . .I don't

             danoe . . .I've never done imitations . . .Gee . . .I don't know -
             what to do nov .
MARY : If it wasn't Sunda~you could take your money to the bank .
                                             --
JACK :      Very funny ,,/&~
DENNIS : Hello, everybody .

CAST :     1L (AD LIB H6id.OS)

DINNIS :A yrpat's everyone       standing   around for?.



                                                            81"    YS07 0020350
JACK : Because we've got a problem, Dennis . . .my writers let me

                                   down this week wM weM got no script, no jokes, nothing .

DENNIS : What's the difference, who listens?

JACK : Now vait a minute, Dennis, there are still millions of

                                   people listening to radio

                                                                                   . _ - - "kMftlwsd,a-t's still a big medium . . .more radios were

                                   sold this year than ever before . . .and anyone who is on a

                                   big show like this is still doing a very important ,job .

DENNIS : Boy, did you sing a different tune when you out my

                                   salary last September

                                              .JACK
                      : I didn't cut your salary . You're still getting eighty

                                   dollars a week like you did last year .
DENNIS : Yeah, but what about that new olause you added?
JACK : Nhat new clause? DEN IS

                                 : The one that says a week is fourteen days .
JACK ;                             FGom .
DON : Jack, how could you actually make Dennis                                                                        sign        a contract
                                   that     has   fourteen   days   inawek?'JACK
                      : Because when he ' s around it seems that                                                 long .




JACK : IMMPH3-q . . .Now look, Dennis, as long as we're stuck

                             ~ without a script, how about doing your song now?
     .~S
DII7NI :7I got a better idea . . .why don't you and I ad lib e little,
                                   to end fro .
J                     -•                   .
                                      Jw.~.'
JACK :~ To and fro ; 4iq . . .All right, Dennis, I'll start it . . .Who

                                   was that lady I saw you with lest night?
DINNIS : That was no sew, that was a battleaxe .




NT




                                                                                                            AT Y{O 1              0020351
                                                                                                                                                      I
                                                                        -7-

JACK :    1~6          ome ad-libbing . ..                              oft   ..



                 (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR)
JACK : Come in .

                 (SOUND : I~A'nOR OPINS)
RUBIN : Telegram for iek Benny .                                               .

JACK : Right here, fellow . . .thanks
      : Give him a tip, Jack                   .MARY
      : Oh yes . . .here you BA .JACKuddy . . .5ay, you're rather old for a

           messenger boy, aren't you?
RUBIN : You ain't gonna get the mumps any more yourself, Bubl

                 (SOUND : DOOR SIAMS)
JACK : }qn, and I had to give him a fifty cent tip .

MARY : You gave him a dime .

JACK : I GAVE HIM A q1ARTER . I KNOW WNAT I GAVE HIM . . .I wonder
           who this telegram is from .

                 (Sl          RI ' F P PFjR)
                               ,
                       V
JACK : Oh, it s from Fred Alle /.-. °Dear Jaak . . Have""1en listening
                                                    "
           to your show and have a suggestion that may help you fill

           remaining twenty minutea . . .Why not announce your retirement
           and let the audience take it frcm there ." . . .Whet a silly
           suggestion .

DINNIS : Yeah, they'd applaud right through Amosand Andy .                         .

JACK : Just sing your song, Dennis .r.I'm going out and see how my

           writers are coming along . (FADLiC) If they're stalling,



~

(.            _


 ET




                                                       (irx 01   0   0 2 035 2         1
                                                                               -8-

     (SECOND ROUTINE)                                                      .

 JACK : fellows, I know it's a good title for a murder
                      mystery, but where's the play?

 MARCH : Well, we got a lot of ideas, but we couldn't write 'em
                      down .

     JACK : Why not? I gave you a pencil .
     MEL : Yeah, but there                ain't   no lead in it ., .see?

     JACK : Oh, there ain't no lead in it . Give me that nencil : . . . . .
     , Look, fellows, you turn this little knob here, and out

                      comes the lead . . . . It's an Automstic Pencil .

     MEL : Oh yeahitook, Sam, you turn this knob and the lead
                       omes out .

     MARCH : ~, that's good . . .Let me turn it .
     MEL : No, I wanna turn it .
     MARCH : Come cn, just once .
     JACK : I'Vn TURNED IT ALRS'ADY : . . . . 'SMB,6iive me back the pencil,

                      here's a pen ., .you don't have to turn it or anything . . . .

                      Now please write that mystery play, will you, fellows?

     MARCH : Okay .

                               (SOUND : DOOR SIAMS . . .FOOTSTEPS)

     JACK ;            . . . .3oy, if I ever get my hands on that picture, I'll
                       fire 'em so fast they won't know what hit 'em . . . . . Well,
                      Don, it'11 be a few more minutes yet .

     DON :            What'l1 ve do?

     JACK :            I d-,n't know what to talk about .


      e:a- . . . .,




DH




                                                                RTX 0 1 002 0 353
                                                                                                              -9-




MARY : Well, you're such a great comedian, why don't you ad lib

             something?
JACK :Gt-vKYou're right .                         . . .   I will .    . . .   You knov folks, a funny thing
             happened to me on the way to the studio . A panhandler
             came over to me                              and   asked me for a quarter .           . . .   He said he
             hadn't had a bite in two                                    weeks .


MARY : So you bit him .                                                             7
                                                                                 d~   L
JACK : So I . . . . Mary, I!m supposed !NW6 ad libbing .
MARY : That's the oldest joke in the world .

JACK : All right                                  L   I
                                          )   "

DON : Say Jack, as long as we're waiting for the script, how

      ~ a out the Spormen doing a number .
                                                                        ?
JACK : ~                           They   have anything              prepared?


DON : I'll ask them . . . .Say fellows, would you like to do your

             arngemtfoJack?@UART
      :H64AIIM4HM .                                              .                             .

JACK :~,Swell,
DON : They said, "Ng"
                                              yu
JACK : They did not .A Go ahead, fellows . . . .

                                     (SOUND : PHONE RINt,S)

JACK :Hold it a second .

                                     (SOUND : RECEIVER UP)
JACK : Heilo .~

ROCH : HEISA, -9 M , THIS a5                                     ROCHESTER .


(APPIAUSE)




                                                                                          ATXOI            0020354
                                                                                                                        1
                           _         -10-
                       .{/`)'."
     JACK :   aGM415M; Rochester,^w is it?


     ROCH : WELL, BOSS, I'VE BEEN RFARRANGING THOSE ANTIQUES ON THE
               LIVING ROOM MANTEL AND I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THAT YELIAW

               VASE?


     JACK : Oh, keep that in the middle, Rochester . . .I'm very proud
                of that vase .

     ROCH : YOU AHE?
     JACK : YeBl~there are only two vases like that in the entire

                wor?d . And the onlyonest~ho have them are the King of
                                     Yl 71..,
                Slam    and me . . . .or Ss   lr4~,   King and I?

     ROCH : I^_'S THE KING AND THE JUNh1MN, I JUST BUSTED YOURS . .                    _

     JACK : We11 Rochester, that was very expensive and I'm going
                deduct it from your salary .

     ROCH . On EGSS . . . .

     JACK : Dcn't "Oh Bose" me . . . .I'm going to teac you a lesson .
"ROCH : WHAT YOUR LESSONS HAVE COST ME CCUlDA GONg THROU3H
                Ham h:n
     JACK : I dcn't re, you ahouldn' be so clumsy .
     ROCH : W=LL ?A55, 'S REA YOUR                       FAULT .


     JACK : My fs ::1t?
     ROCH : - Y'~:.H, THAT SC LE YOU PUT ME ON HAS ME RUSHIN'
                A.   :wt?~D L CRAZY .

      JACK : Wha`..,do you mean?

      ROCH : NrT-,/, TAKE THIS MORNING . . . . I GOT UP AND HAD FIPTEEN
                t•tNLr S TO MAKE THE BEDS AND ' N THE ENTIRE UPSTAIRS . . . .
                     :
                TnPs~`P_' MINUTES TO WASH AND IRON UR CUJTHES . . . . A AALF
                HOUR TO POLISH THE SILUER, WASH THE IND(%S, SCRUBTHE

                WALLS AND BEAT THE RUGS . . . .AND BY NINE 'CI4CK I WAS IN
                THG KITCHEN ON 1AY HANDS AND KI~RS .                    ,

DH



                                                                   NT 90 7   0020355       1
                      ou were waxing the floor?

              NO, I   FAIN7&

              You   fainted?             1'0


              QU2`tTIIiG!
JACK :        Don'c be silly, Rochester . . .I'mhaving enough trouble
              without you aggravating me .

ROCH :/~~,, WfAT'S THg M4TTER?
JACK1~~My +riters are late with the script and I'm standing here

              with nothing to do .

ROCH : ~~,))) TOO 5AD I'M NOT THERE .

JACK :Nhat could you do?

ROCH :       SI:VG, BOSS, SING :
JACK : Yoa . . .sing . . .with that voice?

ROCH : DCN'? KNOCK IT . . .AROUND CENTRAL AVENUE I'M KNOWN AS "THAT

              SENT26N'''or . FELLOW WITH THE MELLOW BELLOW" .

JACK : Hcmm .

ROCH : I 5Y?N S-.?IG ONCE WITH THE HALL JOHNSON CHOIR .

JACK : What happened?

ROCH :       J0 :^_3 ;ON TEII(EW ME OUT IN THE HALL .
JACK : I thcught so . .Well, I'll talk to you later, so long,

               Rochester .

ROCH : GOCCCCOOD3YE!
                      (SOUND :      RECEIVER DOWN)
         i
JACK• [aw, Go       ahead,      Don, have the Sportsmen do their number . I ' m

               goin8 inA+9 Mxx and see         how   Hemingway   and   Steinbeck   are


               doing .

DON : Okay,              ,Jav   Y . .Hit it, fellows .




                                                                 RT 8 01 0020356
                                                                                         1
                                                                   --__ --_~ I
                                                                              _1,A_


QUART : ME AND MY SHADOW

         STROLLING         DOWN THE AVENUE

         ME AND MY SHADOW

         NOT A SOUL TO TBLL OUR TROUBIES TO
         AND WHEN ITS            TWELVE O'CLOCK


         WE CLIMB TH8 STAIR

         WE    NE   VER KNOOK FOR NOBODY'S THERE
         JUST       ME AND MY SHADOW
         ALL ALONE AND               FEELING   BLUE
         ME    (JUST       YOU AND ME) AND MY LUCKY
         I'M PROUD T}iAT I'M A UJCKY FROM OLD                      KENTUCKY


         STROLLING         DOWN THE AVENUE


         W}   ERE   VER YOU GO TRAfl"S          WHERE   I   GLOW


         ME A1ND P 4941NOC AND MY UJCKY

              .
         LS I10 SH MFT
         IT'S THB         FRIEND       I TELL MY TROUBLFS TO
         I TURN r TROUBLES INTO SMOKE RINGS

         THE FAVORITE            CIGARETTE     WHEREVER YOU        GO
         IS llJCKY STP.IIKE
         IT'S       TOASTED      YOU KNOW
         FROM :+     E   AND    MY   SHADOW

                               GNE SMOKE WE LIK-c

         BETTER TASTIiIG LUCKY STRffiR

(APPL4USE)




BH




                                                                    6   rx 01 00 2 0 357   1
    (THIRD ROUTIHI :) ~ ~~~ ~~~
                   pa .o-R
    JACK : NownS .ook, fellows,Alook at th s page . . . .that :~s                                                                         ~

              murderer . . . .not moiderer
                                                           . MBRCHfowe1l, a gangster would ssy r
                                                             . JACK•~,_"7~
         ./F~',I'm not a   gangster,             I'm~e~ ce Cap nt. .,Y'ead your
               own script .   . . . .   Now fellows, it's time for ou r play . . . .

               so I'11 take what you've got and you bring the rest in

               as soon as you can .,1 ive me those                                                 pages .


    MEL : P ease give me those                     pages .


    JACK : All right . . . .nlease give me those pages . . . .Now

               concentrate,         will you, fellows?

                ~- (SOUND : DOOR SIAMS .                      . . .    FOOT3TEPS)
    JACK ; 0P Gine thing . . . . drama :on the installment plan .

    DON : Well, how does it look, Jack? . . . AMWe going to do a

               play tonight?
    JACK : Ye&Jbut we'll have to do it without a rehearsal . . . .Here
               are your parts, kids :

                     (SOUND : RATTIE OF PAPER)
    JACK : Now let's see            . . . .   I'm going to be Captain                                        O'Benny


                                                . . . .   And Dennis, you'll be my                                     ofFlice}[adqurts
               assistant, Sergeant               O'Day .


    DENNIS : 0'tbanks .
    JACK : 0'welcome .      . . .   Nov Mary, you're going to be the                                             widow,


               Mrs . J . Malcolm Smith .
    MARY :     The widow?




H




                                                                                                    ar 9o 1 oo2o 35 e
                                                                                                                   -13-

JACK :   Yes . . .your husband hae been killed . . .

                                                                                    . ieaving you three million dollars, an estate in Santa Barbara, snd a yacht .
         And you're          all       broken up .
MARY :   Why, does the yacht leak7                                                                                It~~~
JACK :   No, you loved your husband .                 . . .   Now   let's                            see~`Y:$db,                           you'll



         be the      family        chauffeur . . .And .Don, you're going to be .

         the bugler .
DON :    Rugler :                                                         ~~..r .--~- .~L-w~ .-G-w
JACK :   Oh, they must mean butler .                 . . .   same vrit6'ra . .You're the                                                                             t
                                                                                                              A


         butler,       Don   . . . .   We11, 6b much for casting . . .AND NOW, IADIffi
         AND GhTi'f18M6N, FOR OOR FFA7VRg ATPRACTION                                                          THIS        SVBNING,
         WE PR&SBNT AN ORIGINAL MS5T8RY DRAMA BMTITISD,"Tf                                                                             R


         MGRt    M   OF MALCOILA SMITH" . . OR . . "Rg HAD AN . OLPPOINTMBNT
         WITii   THE    DENTIST IIi THS AFTBRROON BUT Ng WAS                                                        W          ~D
                                                                                                                           IId-E IN -
                                                                    14
         TR6'P MORNING" . . . . Say,- $M~ uotAa

                                                                . . . .    bedGtiL,®hlnkI'1get boysarmtnigh
                                                                          Well,                               let's

                     . . . THE         OPENING SCENE         IS TR6        OFFICE                                       go,felvs
                                                                                                                  ($'.,DETgCTIVE
         CAPTAIN 0'BENNY AT POISC& RPADQpAFCPL''RS . . . AIN . . .
         MUSIC .



(BAPID PIAYS "MIGHTY LiKE A ROSB")




BR




                                                                                   Rrxo i 0 020359                                                                       I
                                                                                                         _1~q_
                                              '
                  ./ai
     JACK : lOj, Wt a minute, Bob .4 .ie this the theme music for a'
r.
                                     mu:der mystery? . . .Migtity Like A Rose?

     BOB :                           Well,         that's vhat your .writers gave me .
     JACK :                          FIDn .

     DffiaVIS :                      Maybe that's the name of the muttilerer .
     JACK :                          Who, Rose?

     DEN          NIS : No, Biighty .

     JACK : BR, De qulet Okay, Bob,'
     (94ND PIAYS '".4IOHTY IIiE A RCS3")

     JACK :                          Hey,         Sergeant 0'Ihy .   . . . . .   Seargeant 0'Day . . .
     .i.EHNIB : Yes, sir .
     JACK :                          Did      you answer the burglar               alarm    at the First National
                                     Bank?

     IERNIB : Yes sir .
     JACK : Weil . .werthanyuspicohartesound?ABNIS

                                   : No, the furniture movers told me they hadn't seen anybody .
     JACK :Furnituremovers?D&NIS

                                   : Yeah,Atuo fellows with d safe .
     JACK :                          THOSE         'dgRg TfU; BURGIARS!     . . . .    Nhat's   the matter with   you,
                                     anyway?
                                                     (SOUND : PHONc' RINCS)
     JACK : I'11 take it .

                                                     (SOUND : RECEI              UP)




     BH




                                                                                                  Hr 901   0020     36 0
                                                                                -15-



( JACK : ' Hello, Police Headquerters .
       MARY : Hello, this is Mrs . J . Melcolm Smith talking .

        JACK : Yes . .
        MARY : MY HUSBAND, J . MAIGOI1d SMITH, WEALTHY S'i'OCKBROKSR OF

                  NEW YORK, PAItA BEACH, AND MIAMI, HEIR TO TH6MILLIONS

                  IEFT BY HIS FATHER . .W BUN KILiED .
        JACK : TFAT'S SHOCKIN:} NEWS, MRS . SPff'1'H . .ARE YOU SVRE YOUR
                  H.GSBAND IS IEAD?

                          (SOUND : 7540 GUN SHOTS )
        MARY : DEFINPiELY :
        JACK :    WE'I.L BE THEM IN FIVE MINUTSS . .G00I 5YE .

                          (SOUCt:~ ~~PHONg DOWN )
                               ~
        LENNI~ ~et~'s up,CHief?~~

             :n J . Felcolpi 3to#, the Smithbroker, has beenmurdered . .
                                           ~JACK
                  4w.5~ey can't even type straight . . Hend maatV gun .

        DENNIS : Shall I take the beyonet off ?

        JACK : Of course . .I only use it to roast merehmallowaK . .!®fel1~,,3
            /ry~ , let's get going . . .THIS IS AN    IMPORTANT   CASE,    SERGEANT


                  0'L`AY . .AND WE'RE GONNA FIND'12SE MORIERER      OF    J . MAICOIlA

                  SMSTH, OR . . .OR . . .

        LENNIS : Or whet ?
        JACK : Or nothing, we're ell out of scr11)t . .1LY FELLOWS, RbBRY

                  UP WITH THE REST OF THIS, WILL YOU? . . .Pley sorrething,

                  Bob .

        (BAND PLAYS "MIGHTY LIKg A ROSE" )
        JACK : (OVER MUSIC) Pine writers, they couldn't even finish the
                  sentence . . .Ho1d it, Bob .
          .5IC STOtS)
        (M0




                                                            Rrx   01      0   020361     1
                                                                          -16-



M6L : Here's a few more          pages,    Jeck .

JACK : Thanke . .Now go back end v»t to work .

MARCH : We got a Union,V e'ref.g--o,=ing•Jout to eet .

JACK : NOT UNTII: YOU FINISH THE SCRIPT!
MEL :    Okay,     Blue Eyes .

     - I- (SOUND: DOOR                CLOSES)


JACK : iM, mven my writers notice 'em . . .Now let's see . .Oh yes . .

         THIS IS AN IMPORTANT . CASE, SERG5ANP 0'Z14Y. . AND WE'Rg GONNA

         FIND THE MURLE.RER 0F J . AALCOLM SMITH, OR MY NAME AIN'T

         CAPTAIN 0'BENNY . . .AM, I could have thought of that

         myself . . . . IBT'S GO!

                   (SOUND: POLICE SIREN STARTS UP)

JACK :   WAST'LL                 WE     GET         IN   THE        CAR!         -
                   (SOUND: SIREN STOPS)

JACK :    . . .Stupid sound men . . .A11 right, get in, 0!D9 . .I'11
         drive .
                   (SOUND : DOOR SLAMS . .CAR MOTOR STARTS . .SIREN STARTS

                             AND FAlES      INTO)


 (MIGRTY i, --Cm A ROSE VERY FAST)
JACK: (FADIiU IN) Here we ere, 0'Dey .

                   (SOUND : LOUD BAN3LTA ON DOOR)

JACK : C0hu' ON, COMg ON . .OPEN TH^c DOOR . .THIS IS THg POLICE .
                   (SOUND : MORE BAN3IhT))

JACK :   OPEN    UP OR W9"I .L   BREAK    IT DOWN . . .COME ON, 0'DAY . .LEf'S

          SMASH THAT DOOR .
                   (SOUND : BIGCRUNCHING OF WOOD)

A7N : (POISTELY) Good evening, gentlemen, did you ring?
TB




                                                         Rrx   01   002   036    2
                                                                                           -17-

JACK : Where's Mrs . Smith?

ACN : In the library . . .vhomsalInuce?bHta]IS
          : The King and the Jutlk Man .

JACK :            Oh   be quiet .

DON : Here she is nov .                                                                     .

JACK : Pardon me, are you Mrs . J .MalcomSith?ARY

       : Yes, Captain .

JACK ; Tell me, what do you know about the murder of your
                  husband?
MAfK :       Hell . . .we were sitting here in the library,lietening to
                   the radio . . .vhen all of a sudden I turned around and

                   there was my husband on the floor with five bullet-bolea
                   in him .

JACK :            YOU'RE      LYING :   . . . .   Here's the body, and he wan only                shot


                   one, two, three . . .four times .
                             (SOUND :      ONE     pUN    SHOT)


MAECC :           Now count 'em :




JACK :
                  - - I want the truth . . . . You killed your husband

                   and I Imow-vhyl YOU MURL~EiED YOUR HUSBAND BSCAU3E . . . . .
                  ~-- Ch fine, ve're stuck again . . . . All right, Bob .

 (BAND    PLAYS      "MIGHTY LII(E A RCSB")
JACK : This is embarrasaing                          . . . .   Hold it, Bob ,

            STOPS)                                                              ~-(MUSIC




                                                                          RT 8 01 0020363
                                                                                                   -18-

JACK : All right boys, some more pages
     : Here you are, Speedy . - .                                               .MEL
JACK : Thanks .

                              (SOUND : DCOR SIAM)                                                             .
JACK : Let's                  see     here      . . . .   Ch yes .   . . .   NCW IdBTEN,   MRS .    SEEITH,   YOU


                  MUfDEI ED        YOUR         HUSBAND       BECAUSE          THBRE - S ANOT}(gR MAN IN

                   TR6 CASE .       . . .   NOW TELL ME, WHC'S YOUR IAVER?                          .WHC IS HE?
                                                                                              . . . .


                               (SCUND : DCCR                OPENS)


BOB :       We11 . . . .what ' sgoin her?MARY

        :          Hello,       Darling .

BOB :              Who are these men?                                                          .




DH




                                                                                       Ri7901 0020364
                                                 u
                                                                                                              -19-

     MARYe 9bey're detectives, IArling .

     JACK : Abe! The other rnan . . . .whet'syournam?BO

          : My card, sir .

     JACK : }en . . . . Darling Crosby .•• . Whet's your coYjnsotion with this
                    family?

     BOB : I'm the chauffeur .

     JACK : I see . . . . How did you get along with Mr . Smith?

     MARY : Ibn't answer him, Deer .

     JACK : laer, eh?                                                                             .

     BOB : That's my middle nema .

     JACK :            H   mn . . .ere you taking everything down,                             Sergeant         0'Dey?

     LENMS : Yeah, Honey
            : That's              my       middle hame .
                                            .JACK                 . . .   now where was I? .          . . .   Oh, yes,

                       now you .        . . .   you still        haven't            told me how you got along

                       with Mr . S!nith .-

     BOB :       Well,          frankly, eir, we didn't get elong Very well

            : You didn't', p-k                                                                                       .JACK
           : He's been very sqapic,i,o~us of Mrs . 8nith ;And me ever
                                 -BO
                       since she            hired          me,~/~ her chauffeur .

      JA CK :      t What
                )U .            made        him      suspicious?


      BOB : Sha didn't have a car
                                   . .~
      JACK : I thought so . . .4 0IR OF YOU TIJO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TfL
                       M1IRPER OF J . MALCOLM SMITH .

      BOB : Yeah, but which One? .                                . . .   You can't arrest`both of us .

      JACK : DON'T OET SMART WITH MB .                                    . . .   I KNOW WHO '1M116 MUR LERER IS . . . .

                       IT'S .   . . .    IT'S .    . . .   Ob   for   Pete's sake .

       (BAND PIAYS "MIGHTY iIKE A ROSE")

DH




                                                                                        Arx01         0020           365
JACK : REY RBLLOWS . . . . ESLTpWS .

(MISIC STOPS)

MEL : Whetteya vant?
JACK : Whet do I vent? .                      . . .   I   went   the finish to the .play. I
                    want to know       who     the murderer is?

MEL : Oh, that's what                         we're        arguing about

        :Arguin?M                                                             .JACK
 .
     .L : Yeah, I eey                  it's    the dame .

MARCH : And I say it's gotta be the chauffeur .

JACK : But,                 fellows     ---                                           ,
MEL :               Sam,    how can you be so stupld . . .look at the motives,

                    the motives . . .the dame hed all the                     motives .



MARCH : Motives . . . . so you learned a rew word . . . . I .still say
                    it's the chauffeur .

JACK :              But if he didn't have any motive . . . .                          -

MEL :               Yououtte this :
     Rq{ :          y   g,ah , if it   wasn't         for vou , ve'd be in Pe Zp SprinRs .

JAC But, I --

MARCH :             k     Her     for           oe         in your   life admiE u         lra w   rOiR .

MEL : BUT I NOT WRC?x3 . . . .IT'S ALWAYS T DAMB . : 0 . .DIDN'T

                    MI    WIFE TO KILL ME?

MARCH : YEAH, AND I'M 918 ..MISSED .

MEL :               YOU'RE     SORRY . . .O I GET IT .                . . .   YOU'RS TIffi GUY SHE'S

                    BEEN GOIN7

MARCH : BUT

MEL : ALL THC TIIE ITHOUGHT IT WA" CHAtH+FEUR
BOB : WAIT A MINi1TE, I DON'T EVEN XNOW Y~OUR




                                                                              prx 01 ,    0   ozo3 66
               TIUUi WHAT ARE YOU OOIN' OUT WITH RBR FOR?

 MEL :                 WRAT'S YOUR MOTIVE?

 JACK : FFSS[)WS .        :~        S„YOU'RE ON THB
 (PAND     STARTS   "MIORTY IS}a~   R058")
 JACK : NOW LOOK, I'M YOUR                        / ONCE AND FOR AIL, I WANT
               YOU TO KNOW TAAT              OW-bN,IF TR2 SCRIPTS AR6N'T RERE

                ON TIME, YOU               PUTROF3

 MEL &
 MARCH :        AW,

 JACK : IAOjC; I DON I T NF.ED YOU           GUYS .   I CAN AD LIB : ADIES AND
                                                                    NI


                               A FUNNY TRINO HAPPIIVCD ON THE WAY TO

                BTUDIO . A PANfNPUHBR OAME OVER TO ME AND ASKED ME F~R A
                Q,UARTER . RE    SAID   RR AADN'T HAD A   BITE   IN T{10 WEEKS .

~~ &
/ ennacu , en vnn        ATT MM .

 JACK :
  (APPIAUSE & PIAYOFF)




  Lfi




                                                          13   TK07 :0020367
                                                                                   1
                                                                   - -
                                                                   22



    FIIYB ALLOCATION #1 (HOMES)
(


    JACK : Ladies end gentlemen, it's alarming to thinkthet a

                destructive fire starts vg er.v m n t of the dey and night .

                There Is no end in sight for the terrible de§truction

                caused by these fires unless we do something about it .

                Here is whet you can do : Check ell of the electrical

                equipment in your home . . .m9ke certain it is safe . Ibn't

                smoke in bed . Be sure that every match, every cigarette

                is out before you retire for tthe night . Don't give

                fire a place to stert :
                Thank you .

                 (APPIAUBE)

    D   ON :   Jeck    will   be beck in   just   a minute, but firSt here's

                 the   Sweetheart   of iucky Strike . . .Miss ibrothV    Collins!




         WA




                                                          Rrx 01    0   0 2 03 68
     TNE AMERICAN TO&1CC0 CO MPANY                                                                            -B   -
     TNE JACK BENNY PRCCRAM #2
         .
     JANO0R4 L6 . 1955
     CUJSIN6 CCNII~RC7AAL

     (TRANSCRIBED : If you Want better taste from your oig-e-rette,
    A CAPELIA Lyk _ Stri is the brand to get!
    VERSION CF
      SCN3 IT'S TCASTED to give you the best taste .yet

     39 w'S .) It's the st (CLAP . . . CLAP, CIAP)

                    cig-a-rette . '


                    They take flne tobacco, it's light tobecco .
                    it's mild     tobacco,     too

                    Then IT'S     TOASTED,


                                               yes, IT'S TCASTBD,beoause the toasting brings the flavor right through .
                    So, to get better taste from your cig -®-r

                                          .the brand to             get!                      et,LuckySries
                    IT'S    TOASTED    to give you the best taste .yet,

                    It's the toast (CL4P . . . CIAP,                          CLAP)


                     cig-a-rettel                                                   -

     WILSON :       Friends, that song gives you the big                             reason why                        so
                     many   millions of smokers always ask for. .Luokv Strike .
                    A Luc tastes better ; It's toasted'to .tsste better .

                     The better taste of Lucky Strike belns rrith fine
                     tobaoco . Why sufie : IS/MFT -- Lucky Sti i ke means
                     fine tobacco .      But   there'a even mozre to it than

                     that   -   just   before it's made into Lucky"Strike
                     cigarettes, that fine tobacco is toa                                 ~   . The

                     famous Lucky Strike porcess -- "IT'S TCASTHD" --
                     tones up    Luckies'    mild,        naturally goodytasting
~ . tobacco to make it taste even better . . . cleaner,

                     fresher, smoother .             (MCRB)




                                                                         i9   T7S01. :0020369
                      O
~     JACK   s~srm~r~xocRn i 2Am                   c
SANUAA)C 16 . 1955 ~
CIDSIMi COt9AENCIAL CONTID)


NjLSON : That's the Lucky Strike story, pure and simple         .
 ( CONTI D)
                and why you'll enjoy them . A Lucky tastes better
                because it's the cigarette of fine tobaoco and it's

                toseted to taste better . So, get a carton of

                better-tasting Lucky Strike!




 DN




                                               Ar o , oo2o
                                                 9   1          3?   o
                                                                 -23-

(TAG)

                   (80UND : DOOR     OPENS)


ROCR : WHO'S 771ERS?

JACK: It's me, Rochester . . . . boy, what e day . . .utvvritere

           didn't have a script for me . . .the show was crasy . . .ell

           the orchestra Could play wes "Mighty Like E Rose" . . .

           end on top of ell that, I tipped e telegraph boy

           a quarter and he turned around end insulted me . . .I

           feel awful .                  .

ROCH :     BOSS,      LOOK IN TH6       MIRROR .


JACK : Huh?
ROCH : LOOK IN THE            MIRROR .                             .

JACK : Well,          I'll   be darned . . .I've got tAe    mumps . . . Goodnight,


            folks .

(APPLIUSE AND M&]SIC)
DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by,Sem Perrin,
            Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackeberry,

            Hel Goldmsn,       Al   Gordon, end produced and transcribed

            by Hi111ard       Marks .




          ~etn my .program was bro
          Tt                                                     u .by     Dicky


            Strike product                    : rican Tobacco Cos pany . .

                                                                         ._ .leadingmufctreoa@8 ~




 WA




                                                         ATYS09, . QO20379
a



        H6[ffi$tYf TARSYTON
        lat 302F
                                                                                                                      - -
                                                                                                                       22




                   Filter smokers! Here's thetrue tobacco t69te you've

                    been looking for . Filter Tip TARh'YTON gives you allthe

                    full, rich flavor of TAREYTON'8 famous quality tobacco . . .



                    and real filtration, too! Filter Tip TARSYTON incorporates Activated Charcoal, ren,wned for its

                    unusual powers of selective filtration and used far and

                   wide to purify the air we breathe, the weter and

                    beverages we drink . Look for the red,white and blue

                    stripes on the package . They identify Filter Tip

                   TAREyTON, the best in filtered smoking .



                   The Jack Benny                Program        wes brought to you-.by the
                   American Tobacco Company . . . America's le$ding

                   manufacturers               of cigarettes .




        DY




    c




                                                                                      Arxo .       I     0020         37   2
                                                      PR~O WM #18



                     AMERICAN   T OB ACCO COMPANY
                           LUCKY STRIKE       .-a,                          '•

                      TNB JACK BENNY PROCAAM


    SUfIDAY, JANUARY 23, 1955 CBS                      4 :00   - 4 :30 PM   _




                    (Transcribed-Jan . 25, 1953)

                   CAST : JACK SENNX
                           MARx LiAINGSTONR
                           R TER
                           DS IS DAY
                          ~DERAID MoPdt
                          MEli $LANC
                          SME N IFANARD
                          JOE - ARNS
                          SE R[BIN
                                 NELSON
                          DICK RYAN



                                                                                 1




l
    BR




                                                    HiY{Ot 0020373
TBS APffiRICAN                                       TOBACCO            COMPANY                                        -A-         -
JAOK BiSNtiY PBOORAM .
JANUARY


           23, 1955 CPRNIN6 CUDIIdF.RCIAL

WIL40N :           T} E JACK BENNY PRC(}RAM .                 . . .   trenscribed                  and presented                   by
                          Lucky Strike, the              cigarette     that's toestedto taste
                                tter'
CATRAN90RIBED :"If you went better teste from your cig-e-rette,

    ION 90NC 37-OBSEU )Luckv Strike is ths brand to get
                                                                            : IT'S TOASTED to give you the best testeyet,
                          It's the toeste (CLAP . . .CLAP, CL9P) oig-e-rette,

                          They take fine -tobacco, it's li¢ht tobeco
                           it' d tobecco, too .
                          Then                 1T'    , .yes, uTOASTED,                                       .
                          beoause ths toast ings the flavor right
                           through,


                          So, to g6t betterteste from your Z4g-e-rette,
                                                    is the brand to get :

                                   3 TOASTED to give you the best                  taste                   yet;
           , I It's the e te (CLAP .,,CIAP, CLAP) c1g-a-rett


WIISON :       (          This is Don Wilson, friends . I guess you                                                 all     have
                           heard             of Bill Corum, the famous sports columnist, who's

                           also             President of Churchill Downs in                    Louisville,


           ,, . Kentucky . Well,hets one of the many millions of people

                           who smoke Luokies . And this is whet he says about

                . them : "I smoke Luokies because they give IDs the

                           en,joyment I like and they taste better than any other

                           cigarette to me" .


                                                                           (MORE)




                                                                               RT1S 01                              0020374
THE AMERICAN                              TOBACCO   COMPANY         -B-
T}E JACK BENNY PROGRAM JANUARY 23, 1955


OPENING COrAffitCIAL (CONT'D)

WILSON :              Now, Bill Corum's ason for smoking Lucky Strike is
(CONT'D)
                       the eame one most Lucky smokers give . tter tastej,

                      Whet makes a Lucky taste better? It's tossted to taste

                      better . Now, Luokies' better taste bea7hs vith fine          .

                       tobacco . L9/FIFT„Lucky Strike means fine'tobeoco . And

                       then, that tobacco is toaste   ."IT'S TOASTSD" -- the

                      famous Lucky Strike process -- brings Luokies' fine

                       tobecco to its peak of flevor . . .tonea up this

                      naturally mild, good-testing tobecco to make it taste

                       even better . Cleaner, fresher, emoother .- Yes, a Lucky

                       testes better beceuae it's made of fine tobacco end St's

                       toasted to tas tter . So, pick up a carton of

                       Lucky Strike . Remsmber : It's toe te . . . . .to tete   .
                      better .




                                                          Ri 8 01   0   020375
(FIRST                           ROUTINg)                              -1-
(AFTER COMMEHCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)
DON :       THE   LUCKY STRIIIE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY

            LIVIN3STONE, ROCHBSTER,           DENNIS   DAY, BOB CRO OBY, AND            "YOURS


            TRULY" DON      WILSON .


(APPIiM1USE . . .MLSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : I ADIE9 AND GENPIr3,EN, , Ibfr1gDIATELY AFPER TH1S RADIO
                                        ;_~k
            PROGRAM, JACK BENNY~D016 HIS             REGULAR   T .V,   SHOW        OVER THE

            CBS TEIEVISION NETdORK ., .BVP FIRST, IET'S GOBACK TO                        LAST


            TfHII2SDAY . .IT IS LATE MORNINYi AT JACK'S HOME                   IN BEVERLY


            HILLS .

                    (SOUPID : AFPER'A FEW SECOND8 OF SI78NC8,WE HBAR
                                 THE P3jONE RING ., .PADSG,, .RINGSAGAIN . . .

                                 R6CEIVER UP)
JACK : Hello? . . .The Telephone Compeny? . . .You vsnt to inetell a

            phone here this afternoon?, . .Are you sure you have the

            right eddress? . . . . Yes, this is 366 North Camden Drive, but

            there must be sons misteke .,,Oh, the phone is for Rochester

            Van Jones . . . . SomR . . .Well, let me find out 9bout it and

            call you bsck .,,Goodbye .                                     .

                    (SOUND :     RECEIVER DOWN)
JACK : Hmam . . .I wonder xhy . . .OH, ROCHESTER, . .ROCHNSSTER,
        .   (SOUND :DORPENS)CH

        : DID YOU WANT ME,iIBOS9?
                       n~
JACK ; Yea, ReCh58lex;,,ths telephone company 3ueti oelled . . .srhet's

            this ebout you ordering a phone in your nems?

ROOR : WELL.,I FIGUREDIOW IT WOULD BE MORE CONVENIENP IF WE HAD
            TWO PHONES IN THs HOUSE,
JACK : But that ' s silly . .,aq phone should be enough . . .I talk on

            it very little,        ma   you    can   use it   whenever         you went to .
BR




                                                              Artco . 0 03
                                                                       i       0   2    76
      ROCH : I KNQd . .BIIf I THOUGHf IT MIGHP BE A GOOD IIEA TO RAVE

                         ANOTHER PHONE IN CASE OF BMERGENCIES .

                                                                      .JACK
                : But vhy? . . . . suppose there is an emergency . . .YCu can use my

                         phone .

                            .SE THE HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN AND I HAVEN'T
      ROCH : `LcAH, BUT SUPP0

                         GOT ANY CHANGE .

       JACK : Gee, I never thought .of that .                                                              .                .
      ROCH : AND BESIDES, I'LL BE USING THE PHONE A IIJT FROM NCId ON . . .

                          I?'S THE ONLY WAY I'LL BE ABLE TO'AIIC TO MY .GIRL FRIEND,

                          SLSZ•; .
       JACK : Why . . .what'srong?ROCH

                : WELL. . .HSR FATAER SEBNaS TO RAVE TAKEN A DISLIKE TO ME .

~   JACK : But I thought you always got along so well with her family . .

                          what happened?                                   .

                :'
       ROCH : TF pfAER NIGHT SUSIE AND I WFSiE SITTI2iG IN THE DARK ON THE'SOFA WATCHING TEIEVLSION WHEN HER FATfER CAME IN AND GOf


                          AWn'UL MAD

                : Why should .JACK that make .him mad?
       ROCH : TFJY AIN'T GOT A TEIEVISION SIIT .

       JACK : . Oh, oh, . . .Sey, Sook,vhat time it is . .,I'm going out to
                 . the race track                    today and          Miss Livingetone ian't here yet .
       AOCH :BOSS, YOU'VE GOT PIENIY OF TIMg, THE FLRST RACE DOffiN'T

                           GO ON TILL ONE             O'CLOCK .


        JACK : I know . . .but I go to the races so seldom I don't want to
                           be late .

                                         (SOUND : DOOH     BUZZER)




       BR




                                                                                            flTX01 p020377
                                                                                               -3-
f•
     JACK6,That must be Miss Livingstone,,,COMING, COMING .

                                       (30UND : COUPIE FOCIPSTSPS„DOOR OPEAL4)
     MARY : Rello, Jack .
     JACK : Mary, you're late .

     MARY : (U ,I'm sorry,                      Jack .    ~ J~,wa~s, ..leaving the house when I got a long
                                                           ;


                                 distanoe call 1TOm        10m   end Papa .

     JACKV, A phone call from your Mother and Father, eh, . .what did
                                  the Bad and the Beautiful have to say?
     MARY : Well, Mama said that Cousin Sylvia eloped lost night .

     JACK :S71via,mred?MARY
                         : Uh huh .

     JACK : Gosh, it seems like'only last suvurrer I picked her up and
                                 bounced her on my knee :
     MARY : It wes last suamer, she's a midgat,                                                          .
     JACK : Oh, oh . . .So she got married, eh?

     MARY :                      Yes, she married a man six feet two .                   .
     JACK : Nq kidding? Little Sylvia?
               YG.,
     MARY : n Oh but Jack, a terrible thing happened . Right after the

                                 ceremony, as they turned to go back up the 91s1e, she took

                              . ors step and broke her log .

     JACK :Hcw?MARY

                         : (LALGHINGLY) She forgot she was standing on a box .
     JACK : Oh, that's                          awful .    That must've been a     sad   wedding .


     MARY : (SINGS)                       HER    MOT}Qt WAS CRYIISG,,,HF1i FATHER WAS CRYING ., .
                                 AID I '-"-"'°--

     JACK : A11 right, ell right . . .I had to ask her how, yet,,,Now come
                                  on, Mary, let's go to the reces, . .ISW got .a hot tip in

                                 the sixth race . . . A horse naaed Our Fancy .
     BR




                                                                              RrH01 00263?8
MARY : Our fancy?
JACK : Yeeh . . .end I hope I vin, I can sure use the money .

MARY : Why, you've never used any before .
JACK : Mary, stop that . . .Now coa.e on, let's get going .

MARY :!a-Wait a minute, Jack . . .Isn't Dennis going with us?
JACK~Werteinly .                                               .

MARY : Well, what are we supposed to do, pick him up?                       .

JACK : No, no . . .he's here . . .IF3NNIS . . .IENNIS . . .WR6[tE ARE YOU?
IENNIS : (OFF) I'M IN TRB KI'TCHFN .

JACK : WELL, COME ON,          MARY'S HERE       APm WE'HB READYTOGO

 E   NNIS : (OFF) OKAY .                                               .I
                  (SOUCID : FEW     FOOTSTEPS)


ffiNNIS : Oh, hello,       Mary .


M(:RY : Hello, Dennis .
Ii;NNIS : Say, Mr . Benny, would you mind having          rehearsal   at my house

            tomorrow?
JACK : Why should ve rehearse at your house?
LENNIS : Well, my uncle is visiting us and he thinks that I'm the

             star of the show .

JACK : Oh, he does, eh? Well, let me tell you eomething --

DENNIS : Aw, Mr . Benny, what's the difference where you have ,
             rehearsal? Iet me 3mpress my uncle . . .huh ., .huh?

MARY : Yes, Jack, xhet difference does it make?

JACK : We1l,, .A1l right, Dennis, we'll have y16 rehearsal et your

             house . . .tomorrow at .eleven o'clock .

IENNIS : Okay, and be there on time, kid .                                          I


 JACK: What?

BR




                                                        HT6S09- 0020379
OR




                                                                                            -6-
     r
         JACK : yM, Fine,P_H_M have you been,            Ed?


         KEARNS : Oh, pretty gocd . . .Say,       Mr .    Benny, . .I hate to           complain,    but

                    it's awfully cold down here,
         JACK : Oh . ? I'm sorry, Ed . The next time I come down I'll bring
                    a stove .

         KEARNS : Well, if it's ell the same to you, I'd rather have clothes .

         JACK :   Oh . . .well, I'll send some down . . .Nor Isift- got to open the

                    safe and get some money .                               .

         KEARPS : Shall I lie down so you can give oe the ether again? .

         JACK : No no, Ed . . .you can wetch this t1mz ., .Now let me see . . .

                   The combination is, .,Right to Forty-five ., .(LIGHT TURNING

                   SOUND), .,Lsft to Sixty . . .(LIGHP TURNING SOUdB) . . .Beck to

                    fifteen . .(LIGFC TLIIiNINC SOUND)         . . .Then left to One-Ten . . .

                    (LIGFII' TtAiNING SOIIDID) . .,There,                       .

                           (SOUND : Ps1NDIls TURNS . . .DOOR OPENS AND WE NEAR 06UAL

                                    VaULT ALARM W1TN STLAN WHISTIES, BELLS, GONGS,

                                    HORNS, ETC . . .ENDING WITH B .O . WHISTIE)

         JACKo There we are, .,nov let's see how much money I                            need . . . There,


                    this ought to be enough,, .Gosh, . .look at that big pile of

                   money   way   in tT.e   book   of tha sefe . . .Soy, if the South had

                   won, I'd be     a m   illionaire . . .We11, I better close the safe .
                           (SOUIV7) : S3+E DOOR   CLOSES)


         JACK ; Well, I#AE got to be going along now . So long, Ed .

         KEARNS : Goodbye, Mr . Be :u :y .

                           (SOUPID : FCfIfSTEPS,,,D00R OPENS)                       .
                                                                                                             I




         BR




                                                                    Ri901, 0020380 .
                                                                                           -7-

     JACK : Okay, kids . I'm ready . . .let's go
r-                           .Mr .~3enny, don't you want to hear the song I'm going to do
                                                               .IENSP
                                 on the program4
                                                                                             of   the
     JACK : You listen to it, Mary, while I get the car out
                                 garsge .

     (AP LAi$E) (I
                     g   NNIS'S SC'iG . . .'h'lII2EE   COINS   IN A   FOUNTAIN")       .

        (APPLAUSE)




                                                                               fiTY4O7, .4020387
(SECOND ROUTINE)


                                           (SOUND : CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN)

MEL :                         (P . A .)   LADIES   AND GBNTIEMBN. .THE      FIFTH RACE     WAS A

                              PHOTO FINISH . . .WE'LL HAVE THE RESULTS IN,A             MOMENT .


MARY : Jack, when are you going to                                  make   your bet? You let

                              five races go by      already .                I


JACK : I know, I'm only interested in the sixthrece . Our

                              Fancy can't miss . . Say, Mery, let'e go get a . . .

                               Oh, no . . .look who's coming . . .That race track tout .

MARY : 5ihere?

SRgLDGN : H'ya, Bud, long time no                           see .


JACK : Hello, he11o . . .Coms on, Mery, let's get away .

                                           (SOUND : FEW F'OOTSTEPS)

JACK :Dsry,let'go hd,o?MARY
                         : Put Jack, we're in the clubhouse . . .Why not have lunch?

 JACK : Well, all right . . .OH WAITER . . .WAITER .

 NELSON : `_'ESSSSSS .

  JACK : Hnsmn . . .We'd like to get something to eat, . .What would
                               ;ou suggest?

  NELSON : -Another waiter . I can't stend you .
  JACK : I don't care .whether you can or not . . .Now whet can we
                                get in a hurry?

   N6I30N : Well, we have roast pork, corned beef, Isg of lamb,
                                sirloin tips, and bacon and eggs .                  .
    JO




                                                                           Rr 901       002   03 e 2
                                                                                 -9-

JACK :                    Hamm . . .Becon and eggs soundf'good . . .Are the eggs fresh?

NELSON :Oo h,arety!JACK

               :          Oh . . .ve11, I'll have that . . .How about yoy, Mery . . .would
                             you like bacon and eggs?

MARY : Oooooooh, would I :

JACK :                    Mery . . .Just . . .just bring us our orders, Weiter, as

                             quickly as you can .

NELSON : Yes air, end I'll seat you at table Numb9r One . That's
                             right over there .

JACK: Thank you .
MEL :                     (P . A .) LADIES AND GENPLEMI :N . . .AS YOU ALL KNOW, THE
                             LAST RACE WAS A PHOTO BINI :KI . . .BUT YOU WON' T KNOW THE

                             RESULTS TIL TONARP.OW . .,
 JACK : Gee, that's atrange .

 MEL : THE PICI4RE TURNED OUT S0 GOOD THAT bIE'VE TECILED TO
                              SHO'J IT AT YOUR NEIG!IP.CRHOOD TR3ATER
                : Now, Mery, Iet'slook over the list ofJ.ACK ehtries for

                              the   next race . . . ; wante see if t~~ --
  SHELDON : Yay bud . . .bud .
  JACK : Euh?

  SHELDDN : Co¢e here a minute .
  JACK : [+a?

  SHELDON : Yeah
                 :         YR:at.JACK is it?
   SI<ELDON : You gonne eat here?

  JACK :                  Yeah .
   SHELDON : What                    table?


   JACK : Table One .

  JG




                                                                  fliH01 ;- 0020383
                                                                                                -10-

SNELDDN : Un     ub .


JACK :       What?


SI ELDDN : Take Number Nine .
JACK : Well look, I'm very happy with Table                           One .


SHELDON :     Think it over, Bud . . .Number Gne is a card                            table .


JACK : A card table?                                                              .
SHELLON : Yeah . . .if it carries too much weight, it'a .legs will
              fold .

JACK : Gee, I never thought of that . So you think I oughts

              takeAteble Number Nine?

SHELDON : Well, certeinly . . .Look at the breeding .
JACK :. The breeding?

SHELDON : It's by Blydseye Meple out of Grand Rapida .

JACK : Gosh, I didn't think they even knew eech :other .

SNELDGN : Get wise, Bud . . .t? :ink it over .

JACK : Look, I'm not gonna -- welt a minute . This is the
              first time I've run into you at a race track . Why

              don't you give me a tip on s horse?

SHELDON :     Who knows           about   horses?

JACK : What?

SHELDON :     So long, suckcr .

JACK : Nnmmi .                                             -

                                  (SGUND :CGUPLE S'CCTST5PS)                  .

JACK :      Mary .      . . .   Nary,   have   you   figured   out yet   what           horse



NELSON :      Your      bacon      end eggs are ready . . .I put them on                   Table


              Number       One .



JG




                                                                19   rxoi              0020     3e   4   1
t

    JACK : Number One : Do you think I'm a sucker? . . .We'll eat
                                  at Table Number Nine .
    NELSON : Table NSne? . . .The shiny mehogeny one?
    JACK :                    Yes
                             : I'm sorry, but you can't eat at that table .
                                     .NELSO
    JACK : Why not? NELSON
                             : It was scratched .

    JACK : Now cut tht out! . . .I don't know why you bed to be our
                                  weiter . . .you make me sick .

    NELSON : Well, you're not penicillin to ve either .
    JACK : Come on, Nary, we'll eat at the counter .
                                                 (SOUND : CROWD NOISES UP RtID DDWN)

    MEL :                      (P . A .) AT1'8'NTION, PLEAS3 . . . WE HAP3 A LATE CHANGS . . .
                                  HORSE NOMBER SEVRN, LITTLE IAD :',          WILL    NOT RUN IN TfL

                                  NEXT RACE .     AS SH3 LBFT THE P :1D~'ACK, SBE BROKS A L W .

     JACK : I wonder how that                             happened?


    MEL :                         SHE   FORGOP    SHE   WAS STANDLIG ON A     BOX .


     JACK : How do you 11ke that .
     MEL :                   (sims)          TRB JOCKgY WASCRYIPTs . . .Tf       E    TRAINER WAS

                                  CRYINs . . .AND I WAS CRYIIVU,      TOO .              .

     JACK : Coma on, Coma on ., . .Nary, we'll eet at the counter .

                                                 (SOUND : CROWD NOISES UP AND )DWN)

     RYAN :                     '.dho's next?

     DON :                    I    am . I'd like a hamburger .

     MARY : Jack, there's Don at the counter .

      JACK : Oh yes .




      JO




                                                                              RT 9 0 1       0020395   I
                                                                                                                        -12-

RYAN : ~p Yes, sir~1 ~On~s hamburger coming up .

DON : ~!-R,Hold St,AMi er,~hold it . . .I vent to tell you how to

                        make it .
JACK :                   (Wait a minute, Msry, this I have to                                      listen      to .)

DDN : Nov, before you put the hamburger on the grill, I vent

                         you to meke the petty round end firm end fully pecked .

JACK : (I heve a feeling that this is leading to something .)

RYAN :With relish?

DON :Yes and be free and easy on the catsup .

JACK : (If Harry Von Zell ever heard about this, .he'd kill
     . himself .)

RYAN : Now let me see if I've got it right . You went the

                         hamburger round and firm and fu11y packed . . .free end

                                                   easy on the catsup .

DON : That's right
         : Look, Mister, you don't went a hamburger, you want apeckage of Lucky Strikes
                                                          .RYAN
                                                                                          .

DON :                     '   hem t's       exactly             what I_ went .

JACK: That Ibn is a humdinger . Corce on,                                                        Mary . . .




JG




                                                                                              Ai 8 0 1 .      0020386
                                                                                            (SCUND : CRCHD NCISffi UP AND DOWN)

MEL :                                 (P.A .)THg CRSE FORTHESIXTHRACE R$NQdINTHgPADCK
                                                                                        .

MARY : Jack, are you still going to bet on                                                                                   Our   Fancy?

JACK : Well, of course . That horse will not only win the
                                   }~~             race                       today, tia6 he ' ll probably set a new                track record .


MARY : L1.C~-How much are you going to bet?                                                                         .

JACK : I don't know . . .I wonder how much weight Our Fanoy is

                                                   carrying. . .lCa9 I wonder who the jockeyia .

MARY : %ORWr Jack, if you'd buy a fifteen oeht program,
                                   ~ ~~~ yould know
                                    :~1Lej don't have to buy a progrem . . .I'll go over to the
                                                   .JAOK,~
                                                    information desk and find out . . .You wait°hsre, Mary .

MARY :                                             Okay .


                                                                                            (SCUND : A IITTLE NOISE UP AND DCNN)

JACK : Pardon me, Mister, but how much veight in Our Fancy

                                                    carr,ying?                                                                 .             .
RUBIN : I don't know .                                                                                         -
JACK : Well, what is theneme of the ,jookey?
RUBIN : I don't Ie:ow .
JACK : Well, how long is the race going to be?

RUBIN : I don ' t icnow
                                                   .JACK
                                   : Well, for heaven sakes, if you don ' t knov                                                     anything


                                                    about the races, what are you doing behird that desk?
RUBIN : I had to get behind something, I lost uqr pants . .
JACK"~O,Cf al the sil y - - MARY
                                   : Jack --- Jack ---
SE




                                                                                                                        19   rxoa n 0203 e ?         ~
JACK :Whatis,Mry?ARY
                  : Did you get the infoxsnation you wanted4 .

JACK : No, darn it . .-;IMPM; I oame to the treokto bet on
                            our Fancy an3 that's what I'm going to do . . .And Dennis--

 DIIVNIS : Yeah?
 JACK : This is your first time at the races, eo :take a tip
                            from me . Put your money on Our Fancy .

 DENNIS :                  Our   Fancy? . . .Let   0   e see . . .That ' s number 8ight .

 JACK : ~p That - s right

                                 1   s not for me . I already bet on Nynhrer Twelve .
                                            .DENISyd/Thst

  JACK : Number Twelve? What's the horse's name4 :

  DENNIS : •Who cares about his name, it's the number that's

                             important, that's my system

                       ; Dennis, you've got a system?.JACK

  DENNIS : Yeah, sure
                                    .JAOK
                       : Well Dennis,        according       to your system, bow come you .
                             bet on Number Twelve?

  DENNIS : We11 . . .The horse is carrying a hun]red aM sixteen

                             pounds . . .He's running in the Sixth race . . .so I added

                             six to a h:adredand sixteen, which gave me a hundred

                             ani twenty-two . . .I added eighteen to a huxdred and

                             twenty-two which makes a hundred and forty . . .This is

                             the Fourth week of the month, so I divided four into

                             a hundred ard forty and that makes thirty-five .

    JACK : Uh huh .                                                 ' .

   DENNIS : Then I subtracted my age, which is 26 . .,and 26 from 35
                             leaves 9 .

    SE




                                                                        Arx 01 - 0020 3 8 e   1
                                                                                                        -15-
JACK : Uh huh .
DENNIS : Then I added three and bet on Number Twelve .
JACK : Wait a minute, Dennis . . .I followed you all the way
            down to Nine . .,whq did you add three?

DENNIS : Well, how else can you get to twelve?
JACK : Yeah yeah, .,how else . . .Now come on, let's .go over to

            the five dollar wlndow and -- Hey, Mary ., .Mary ., .look

            down there,

MARP:' Where?
JACK : Down that aisle . . .Ien't that Mr .Paley?MARY

     : OH yes .
JACK : Well, come on, let's go over and talk tohim .
MARY : Jack, he came to the track to enjoy himself . Now

            leave him alone .
JACK : But Mary, I'm a blg star on C .B,S

                                                        . and he's the head of the network,,,If he knew I was here and didn't stop

            to say hello, held be heartbroken . . .Come"on .
                         (SO'iHd) : FO(yfSTEPS . . .CROWD NOISFS UP AND DOWN)
JACK :    Mr . Paley,, .Mr, Paley .
JERRY : Huh? . . .Gh, hello,~ :Jaok . . .Hello, Mary .
MARY : Hello,        Mr . Paley .


JACK : Say, Mr . Paley, what horse are you betting on la%6he ---

(BUOLL ffiAWS POST CALL)

MEL : (P,A,) AND NOW, CCMING OUT-ON                THE TRACK ARE                             THE HORSFS
            FOR THE SPCTH 3ACE,
JACK :    Mr . Paley, have you picked your horse get for the

            next race?
SE




                                                        fiTX 0 1 .                       0020389
                                                                                                     -16-

JERRY : Yes, Jack . I'm betting on                                      Aviatrix .


JACK : Well look, Mr . Patey, forget about                                           Aviatrix . . . put    your
            money on Our            Fancy .                    He'll    win by eight lengths .
JERRYi.t1cP~Waok, my mind is made up . I'm going to play                                           Aviatrix .


JACK : But look, Mr . Paley, it's                                      silly       to come out here end
            just bet on any horse . . .especially after driving six
            hours to get to the track,

JERRY :     In   a    car it's forty                            minutes .


JACK : Gee . . .Well, look, Mr . Paley . . .I've been                                       studying      these
            horses all season and I                                  know    what I'm talking about . . .
            Our   Fancy can't             lose .                                            .

JERRY : I'm sorry, Jack, but I'm going to bet on Aviatrix,

JACK : Well, okay, Mr . Paley, it's your dough ., .but don't say

            I didn't tell you .

MEL :     (PA .) THE HORSES ARE NEARING THE STARTING GATE,
JACK : Well, I'm going up to the window and make my bet, .,Five

            dollars on the nose, (SOUND

                                          :FbOTSEPADF)JRY
        : Say Mary . . .
MARY : Yes,         Mr .   Paley .
JERRY :    I i ve been thinking .,If Jack is going to bet five

            dollars on a horse, he mat                                      know   somethiqg .
MARY : That's          what     I    think .

JERRY : Yeah,, .I'm going to change my bet . I'm going to put

            a hundred dollars on Our Fancy,
MARY : Well,         Mr.    Paley,                          would   you do me a      favor .     Put two
            dollars on our Fancy for me,
JERRY : Okay~) I

                      I      ISOUND : CROWD                          NOISES     UP   AND   DOWN)
SE




                                                                                   Rrxo 1 0o 2 o3 9 o             1
!
    MEL :     (   P .A . ) THE HORSES ARE IN THE STAFfl'ING G :1TE .

    JACK : Gee, I'm glad I got to the window in time,

    MEL :     (P .A .) NOW THEY'RE ALL LIMSD UP IN               THE GATE . . . THEY'LL


                  STAPlf AS SOON AS THEY CAN QUIEP SILVERADO . . .HE'S

                  DANCING AROUfID A BIT . . .SO IS     BLUE    HEADING .

    JACK: Gee, both of them             dancing?


    MEL : IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO .

    JACK : What7
    MEL :     (P .A .) AND THERS THEY 001
                                (SOUND : HORSES AND CROWD NOIS&4)

    MARY :    MR . PALEY . . .MR . PALEY . . .COME ON. . .THE RAC$ NA$ STAAfED .

    JERRY :       HERE I AM, MARY

         : GOING         INTO    THE FIR4T TURN, IT'S SdILD GLORY IN
                                     .MEL                                     FRONT . . .


                  COLORADITO IS SECOND . . .SILVSRADO IS THIRD . . .AVIATRIX
                  IS FOURTH, AND OUR FANCY .
    JERRy : CCYME ON . . .C OME ON, OUR FANOY
         :        I   wonder                       .MARY
                               what happened to Jack,

    MEL : COMING ARWND THE FAR TURN, IT'S STILL WILD GLORY IN

                  FRONf . . .COLORADITO IS SECOND . .SILVERADO IS THIRD . . .

                  OUR FANCY IS NUv7 F'pURTii BY HALF A LENQTH . . .AND SIR FLNG .
    JERRY : COME ON, WR FANCy, .OUR FANCY!

                                (SOUND : CROWD NOISES UP Aim DOIr7N)

    JACK : I PL4CED MY BEP AND HERE I AM .

    MEL :     (P .A . ) DRIVING        DOWN   THE   HOME   STRETCH . .IT1S   SILVERADO


                  IN FRONP . .WILD GLORY IS SEOOND . .CUR FANCY IS THIRD . .ANO

                  HERE   CCME CONfRIBUTION AND AVIATRIX ;
    MARY ; CCME ON, COMB ON, OURFANCY .


    SE




                                                                RrxQ   I     00 0
                                                                               2    391
t•

     MEL : AND NOW COMING INPO THE FINISH LINE, IT'S SILVERADO . . .

                  CONTRIBUTION, AND WILD oLORY. .APID C(YAINQ'LP FAST ON

                  THE OUTSIDE IS AVIATRIX . . .IT'S SILVSRADO'AND AVIATRIX . .

                  IT'S SILVERADO AND AVIATRIX . . .NOd AVIATRTX IS POUNDING

                  HARD. . .THEY CROSS TH6 FINISH LINE AND ITfS AVIATRIR

                  THE WINNER BY HALF A LEIiC1PH .

                                                 (SOUND :           CROWD NOISES DIE DOWN)

     JACK :     MR . PALEY . . .MR . PALEY . .WE WON . . .WE WONt

     JERRY : f 4T DO YW                                   MEAN WE   WON?
     JACK : I BET ON YOUR HORSE, AVIATRIX .

     JERRY : YOU WHAT? JACK,DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT Wifl ;N YQ7
                  LEFT HERE, YOU DIDN'T BE? ON OUR FANCY?

     JACK :       NO,         YOU TALK® ME                      OUT    OF IT . . .MR . PAIBY,WHAT   ARE   YOU

                  30 UNHAPPY ABOUT?
     JERRY :      JACK BENNY, I BEfON THE HORSE                                 YOU    GAVE ML .
     JACK : YOU DID? MR. PALEY, HOW COLiJ YOU BE 50; .3ILLY?
                                                  (SOUND : L6DD SCCK          AND BODY THUD)


     JACK :       0000000                oh{

     JERIC( :     . . . . . . . . .Mary, you shouldn - t                      have    done thAt, he ' s
                  wearing                  glasses .


     MARY : Well, it serves him right . . .Mr . Paley, vill you please



                  drive me home? (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF)




     SE




                                                                                  Arxo I _ 0020392
                                                          -19-

     DDN : Ladies and gentlemen, Jack will be back in .just a moment
              to tell you about his television program whlch goes on

              at 7 :00 PM, but first let's take a listen to the
              Lucky Strike toasting song again .




     DON : Ladies and gentlembn, Jack will be back in Just a

              moment to tell you about his television show which goes

              on immediately after this program, but first let's

               take a listen to the Lucky Strike toesting song again .




     R4

i.




                                                   fiT90;1 . 0020393
        TRE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY                                                                               ~-
        TNE JACK BE[aiY PROGRAM
        CIASING CObYMERCIAL
_ ATCRqNRAIBED :       "If you vant          better       taste from your o7g-a-rette,
             PELI
r   VERSION OF         Luokv Strike is the brand to get
       SONG - 39
       SECOND83                                                                 :IT'SOAEDtogiveyuh
                                                                          best taste                        yet,

                       It's the toested (CL4P . . . CLAP, CLCP)cig-a-rette .

                       They     take    fine tobacco, it'e light                                     tobacco,      it's

                       mild     tobacco,        too .


                       Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S                       TOASTED,


                       because the toasting                 brings       the flavor right
                       through . .                                                                      .

                       So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette,



                       Luckv Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

                       It's the toae (CLAP . . . CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-rette :

        WIISON : That's the Lucky Strike story set to .Wusic . The
                       facts are         all    there .        A   Lucky     is the cigarette of
                     . fine tobacco . IS/MFT -- Lucky Strike .means fine

                       tobacco . . . naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco .
                       And then, that fine tobacco is toast to                                                taste


                       better . IT'S .$OASTED is the famous Lucky Strike

                       process that            brings      a   Lucky's fine tobacco to its
                       peak of flavor, . . . the process that tpnes up a
                       Lucky's naturg}1y good-tasting tobacco to make it

                       taste even better . . .cleaner,                     fresher,                     smoother .


                       So friends, smoke the cigarette of fine tobacco

                       that's       toasted to          taste      better . Be Bappy --
                       Go Lucky!
        RS




                                                                           Ai 9 0 1 -                   0   020394
                                                                    -20-
Y
    (TAG)
    JACK :        Iadies and gentlemgn, I vas going to tell you about my

                  television show, but ve're a little late, so tune in

                  and watch it . . .Goodnight, folks .


    (APPIAUSE )

    DON : The Jack Benny shov tonight was written by Milt JosefsberE
                  John Tackaberry, A1 Gordon, Hal Goldman and produced

                  and transcribed by $illiard Marks .

             I 3'he-Jaok Benny~ m vss brough~youa-0y uc Strike,

             j . product of ~~canTobaoco bmpany~. . . .~nerica~s
                         g manufacturer of cigarettes




     RS




                                                         Rrxot oozo3es     I
                                                                        _22_

A6RBBRT TARYTON
NR 301F
                Filter    smokers!     True tobacco taste . . .rea1 filtration . .

                famous   TAREYTON quelity . . .they're al youra        when    you

                smoke    Filter Tip TAREYTON . Filter Tip TAMYTON gives
                you all the    full,    rich taste of TARLMPON'S quality

                tobecco and real filtration, too,         because     Filter Tip

                TAREYTON    incorporates Activated      Charooel, renowned for

                its unusual povers of selective filtration . Look for
                the red, white end blue stripes on the package . They

                idenfify Filter Tip TARGYTON, the beat .in filtered
                smoking .


DJN :     The    Jack       Benny program    was brought to 8ou by the
                -Americen   Tobacco Company     . . Am9rica's .leading
                manufacturer of      cigarettes .               .




TB.




                                                     prxo   1       o0zoass
                                     (JBN # 13)
                                     P80GRAM //19
                                     REVISED SCRIPT




              AMERICAN TOBAC00 COMPANY

                    LUCKY   STRIKE    ., ~ l   ,,,`1,c_n
                                            gl
                                       C
               THE JACK BRNMC PROORPM

SUPIDAY . JAMJARY 30, 1955 CR9 4 :00-4 :30 FM PST

             (TranecribeC - Nov . 1, 1954)


              CAST : JACK BENNY
                        ROCHB.STER
                       DENNIS DAY
                       DON WIISON
                        JOE KEARNS
                       -ARTIB AU92$ACK
                       M]AffiAN MES2RICK
                       VEOL4 VONN
                       MEL B1ANC
                        JFhtII~,qTE 8YIAANN




DY




                                              pi 90 1,-0020 3 9?
                                                              .
        TNE AMERICAN TOHACW OoMPANY                                                                                          -A-
 yTRS JACK BENNY PROGRAM
( JAffirARY 30, 1955

         OPENItyi OONPIEROIAL

         WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PROORAM . . . transcribed and presented
                             by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that's toasted to taste

                             better!

-(FULL ORCH VERSION)                                                .
                             "If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette,
                             Luc Strike is the brand to getl

.      PP'S                            TOASTED          to give you the best taste yet,

                             It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) oig-a-rette .


                 I The take fine tabacco, it's liaht tobaooo, .lt's

                 ~                     ~,
                             mild tob~co too                                                                           /
                     ~ Then IT'S TOA5Tl3D, yes, IT'S TOASTID,

                     j because the toastis$ brings the .rY4vor right

                     i through .
                     I
                 i
                             So, to get bette aste from .y6,R aig-a-rette,
                                   /
                             Luc Strike s the brand to get!
                 1~I IT'S ASTED to give you the best taste t,
                         I I s the toasted (CL4P . . . CLAP, CLAP) c tt@ el" /~
                         1

                                                                                                                                \~_1

         WILSON : Friends, this is Don WS1son If you're not getting
                             aL1 the enjoyment you shOald be getting from your present cigarette, switoh to Lucky Strike
                                                                                                                           .-- and

                             see for yourself how much more rea1, deep down
                              smoking enfoyment~oi, get from Luckies' better

                              taste .
                                                                          (MORE)
          DY




                                                                                                        RTX01 . 0020398
     TNE A1dBRICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
a - THg JAC$-WW FRC(tRAM
     JANUARn 30, 1955                                                 -B-

     OPENINC COt@+IIS1iCIAL (CONT'n)
    WIISON : A lucky tastes better because it's the cigarette of
    (CONP'U)
                    fine tobacco and IT'S TOASTEC to taete better . 1T'S

                   TOASTEC is the famous Lucky Strike process that tobes

                   up Luakies' fine, naturally good-tasting tobacco to

                    make it taste even better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother .

                   Yes, find out for yourself . Buy a carton of better

                    tasting Lucky Strikel




     D%!




                                                     HiXOi .0020399
    (FffBT ROU_"T17E)                                                                                   .

    (AFPER COMMEiCIA7., MUSIC UP AND ilOWN)
    DON : THB 1T.CKY STRIISg PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BIsTVN1 . . .WITH .WRY

             LNIHG6TONE, ROCkESTER, DINNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, ANil "YOUFS TRUL?" DON WILSON
                                                                                            .                                    -

    (APPLAUSE . .LFSIC UP ASW DOWN)                                                                                          .                   .

    IION : IADI35 AND GENPLFd+EN . .ONE OF THE JOBS THAT ALL b1F.R4 POSTPONg .

             AS I :•tiY'r AB POSSIBLS IS CLFANINO OSIP THE ACCUIVL4TI0N OF JUNK

             TH?S ;zx.T}gR5 IN THE GARAGE . . .WELi„ JACK BENNY HAS PUT IT OFF

             AS ICM AS P0SSIBLE, AND AS WE IAOK IN ON HID1, Hg AND RCCH6TE2 ARE BU3Y WITH THYS CHORE

                                                                                                               .

                                    ( SOUND : THINGS                                        BEING   MOVEO)

    JACK : Well, now we're beginning to get somewhere, Roohester .
             Give s:,' those cans                                                           and bottles      to the   j   unk man sd give the

             mcgez imes and papers to the paper drive .

    RCCH :   M            ~~~~~ T_DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH THLS                                                                    BICYCLE . . .


             YOUi1Vw D NY YSARS ;                                                                                                                .
         M~K
    JACK :, Let's ieep it . . .I'll use it again if I oen ever get tires
             for '_. . Wcourse they're^I'~'°iaxd to get,

    ROCH : I'-GiCd . . .THE SMALL ONE 18 EASY, BUT THATJGREAT-$IG FRONT
             O NE ^                        M    CRBER .

    JACK:            the                                  garag~                                    beginning to look a little better
             now .j. .-'ou know, it looka bright and cheerful the w
                     u x_~eu vne waixe .                                                                      ,

F ROOH : THANIG . . . ~UGHt IT WOULD $HIGHPII7 TT UP IF I HUNG UP THE
           POS .r=£ :17JERTISITIXi 91d~.T}IB PICTORE4 YOll 61NE .
                                 .-- -, . . . .,
    JACK : Yeah . . .let's .see . .Here's one from "Charlie's Aunt" . . .end
             hsre's ',George Washington Slept Here" .: . ."puck Benny Rides

~    Again" . . ."TO Be Or Not To Be" . . .Wait a ffinu Rochester . . .
    MG vhere's the poster for "The Horn Blows At Mid" .?
                                                                                                                                            ~




                                                                                                                      Rr   901     0   02   0400
                                                                           -3-



                  (SOUND: MAIIlMNIS WHISTLE OFF NI%S)                  .

  JACK : What's that?                   .
  RCCH : IT'S THE MAIIlMN, .(CALL9)             WE'RE BACK     HBla3 IN THE GARACH .

  KFARtB : (OFF) Okay, I'11         bring   it there .

  JACK: Gee, I feel eorny for meilmen . . .They have tovalk so much .
                   (SOUND :    APPRCACHINC FOCfSTEPS)

  KHAR18 :   Well . .,hello, Mr . Benny .

  JACK : ,_ilello ., .here, sit down effi reat awhile .
  R€ARHB :C~~Cee, thanka . . .(SIOHS) 0hh, my feet are Idlling me .
                                                a., a-u .. - t-
  RCOH : YE9H, I WAS ]AOKiNG ATTHHA .ttAND YEP THOSS SHOEI YOII'RH
             WEAR?NG SH@i     TO BE SOFT    AHb CCMA'CRTAflLE .

  KEARTS : I'm sot wearing shoee . . .these are Dr . Sholl's foo

'Oh . . .but I imagine it muat be exciting del .                                 tera

             here in B8vesly H111s to all e ebritieb .

  KFARNS : Well, it    is     exciti~~ \ sa              its   dravba0ka .

  ROCH: WHAT '0 YCU                . . .DJiAWBACKS?

  KBARNB : I dcn-- mind in the swmaer, but in the v er itI e brutal
                  .r g into that    pool just   to give Rether Will her mail .




  BB




                                                          AT 8 0 1 .00204 0 9
                                                                                         -4-

  CK :
             yes, I have a lot celebritie                              ay . Bogart,
                                                     >A~
             Burns     and Allen, Barbara             o~k,
                                                      Danny            Kaye,

             Claudette Colbert       . sie, Dan De . Burt -_

JACK : . I didn-t sie .livea here in Beve                                  yiille .

KEARNS : Yes, does, . .she           lives       in that big white                      ith

                   sign on the lawn,   "Beware       Of The People,"

          Oh, yes .
~
 KEARNS}lell, I better get going,            J   ,Here , s your mail, Mr .            Benny . . .


              Juet some circulars,and this           copy        of Esqui r e,
              1,
 JACK : Just put them there on that box .
 KEARNS : Aren ' t you going to look through your copy of                        Esquire?


 JACK : U    Later .


 KEARtB : (L+UGFHNAi) No wonder you get laughs when you say youfre
         . thirty-nine .

 JACK: yeah, yeah .                                  _/

 KEARNS : Oh, I almost forgot . . .here's your package fromh^Ame°-rican

              Tobacco Compaqv
         : Oh yesi .my Lucky Strikes
                          .JACK
                                                   .
            : You get these packages quite ofte{n~ ..~ ~'
                                         .REAMS
 JACK : Yes, it-s oourtesy they show me .lJ .Ever since pve worked

            ~~f~,onr tYSm, they've sent me two f Jre'e cartons a week .

 KEARNS : ,~~Gee ; that's nice ., .Well, goodbye

         : Goodbye .                                     .JACK

                     (SCUND : DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS)
 ROCH : CCMg GN, MR, BSNNY,, .LEvS FINISH CLEANING UP THg GARAGE .

 JACK : Okay,,,but first take the mail in the house and put the

               cigarettes in the machine . . .I111 finish up here,

 MG




                                                                 fliX0 1    0020402
                                                                                                 -s-
ROCH :~~ YFS, SIR .
JACK :Jcc, WeMb got the garage looking pretty good nov . . .Let's eee . .

                I better put these                       garden   tools out of tha .Ray . . .I won't

                be needing them for awhile i: .I'11 put this rake

                here . . .                                                             ~
                         DOND                  FAE




JACK :      I   A nd wochester comes back,                             he'll   help me move

                pl'6 . . .No~ what e1./ . .Oh, for heavens sake ,                        . Look at

                this rifle . . .I almost forgot about it . . .I remember I

                bought it a couple of years ago to go hunting with the

                musicians,, .m then at the~last minute I couldn't go . . .

                The boys said I missed a real good time .,,That was a                                ..

                funny thing they tokl me about Samsy the Thvmmer . . .They

                said that in spite of the fact that he's a great big

                rough tough guy, he cried like a baby when they shot a

                duck .,, . .Wait a minute, . .did they say they shot a duck,

                or he forgot to duck . . .I'm going to go next time, it

                sourds like so swoh fun, shooting Samop . . .Those fellows --

DENRIS iL4 Hello, Mr .                        Benny,     I came over to tell you-xl--Fr    - -


JACK:           Ob, hello,                    Dennis .


                                  1~,IENS
          : He11o,,,I came over to iak~ ya--

JACK: How do you feel kid 14

                             cameovrtl~JACK

         : How did ycu know I was in thel garage?

DBNNIS : Rochester told me . .



Me




                                                                           ATXO1      0 020403            1
                                                                                 -6-

JACK : Oh .,Well, what do you want, Dennis?
DENNISILOeme over to tell you that I - m                       running    ,a~May from home .

JACK :     ,,Dh, for heavens sakes, another one of tiLil~- .eilly
             ,l ~                                                                      things .


Dffi7M5 :1 Not thie time, . .I'm really running away for good .

JACK : For good?

DRNNIS : Yeg.Jt,and                 I'm   never coming back home   again .


JACK :      No kidding, Dennis . . .did you tell your mother?

DENNIS :    She told me .

JACK : HPm . . .A11 right, Derinis . . .tell me . . .wbat was the argument
            about this time?

DENNiS : Well, it wasn' t my fault . . .We were arguing over what to
            watchonelvis,JACK

     :/^ Ck Television?

DE[QNIS : Uh huh, .,I wanted to watch a movie and my mother wanted
            to watch The Greatest 8ights of the Century,

JACK : Oh,
DENNIS : What a bam, always hoping they'll show the time she
            stopped Galento .
JACK : Look, Dennis, this                       is a   very interesting   discussion,     ~
            I'd                 like to continue it and broaden my mind, but I i ve got
           ' work to do .

Dffi1NISV,,What are . you doing?

JACK : Vt I'm cleaning out the garage .                                      .
DENNIS :~Nhet ara you going to do with that big pile of junk in
            themidl?JACK
     : That's mv carl : . . . . .Nov get out of my way .




                                                                   ATMOt 002040 4
                                                                                           -7-
DMmIS~'isut fa^ -
JACK : Look Dennls, if You want to t~hang arou :d, don't bother
                                                 me . . .Let me bsar yuu"ong

DETM S : Okay .                                                       ~                .
(APPLAUSE)


(DENNIS-S SONO -- 'bOUNf YWR BII~SINOS") (APPlA9SE)




SB




                                                                               Arxot        00   2 0405
                                                                                          -s-
    (SEWRD RCUTIRE)

    JACK :_ Dennis, that song sounded ani~k C~ .~-~,~+.f
         : Y51H, MR . DAY, IT WAS REALLY BRAU IF1ftf• . .T                .,-AROCH
    JACK : You know, Dennis, the years roll on, VW I keep telling

               you what a wonderful singer you are, and sometimes it

                   seems I can't tell you•enough . Most singers voices

                   remain the same, bu yours is like old wine that seema

                   to improve with age . Your voice eaemsi be more

                   vibrant, more mellow, more --

    DEP]NIS : Get it over with, I Mp gotte find a                 place              to sleep

                   tonight
                        .  rXf-     er •
                                  ~~ .•-•.--e
    JACK :     a     minute, Dennis ,o, . I e an empty

                   guest room, and you .can stay till things quiet down at

                   hcme .
    DENNIS : (R?ALLY TGUCHEJ) Gee, Mr . Benny, that's the nicest thingl~^-~
                   anyone ever did for me . .andJ~JI hope you don't think I'm

                   nngrateful . .but I couldn't move in here . . .I . . .we11 . . .I
                   don't like the people in the neighborohood .
    JACK :         (AMAZED)     You meenthe Colmans4
    DENNIS :   N    o, you •
    JACK : "rmmm .r

                     ~
                     4 L,      . DAY, WHn'[   E   ARE YOU GOING   TO   LLVE
    DEhII7IS : I ing to get a room at th_e

    JACK : Lookb Dennis. :b_do, want to get into any discussions

                                     I know__Vmsilly for even trying to help
                        .but take my word for it . . . ' l be much better off
I                   /
                   aU the YMCA .
`/NNIS : I~yb wonder you get laughs when you say you'Fe thirt
    JAOK : Rochester, we'11 put the magazines on top of the

                   newspapers7G:,~ .




                                                                  RTX010020406
                                                                                     -9-




ROCH :       ARE   YOU   GOING   TO               IGNORE HIM, BOSS?
JACK : Yes, if you do, sometimes he goes away . . . Nov I went to

             clean all the top shelves off and --
DENNISa,Say, Mr . Benny, while you and Rochester are working, do

         q., you mind if I fool around with this hunting rifle?

JACK : Go right ahead, it's losded . . .Nov Rochester, after we

             olean the shelves, I want to`JL°---'

ARTIE :       (COMING    IN) Hello,-Mr . Benny . Hello, everybody .
JACK : Well, Mr . Kitzel
                                      .(APLUSE)

ARTIE : I rang the doorbell, and when no                                 swered, I came
             baok here to the garage .
JACK : q~~~ I~f, I'm glad you did .

     IE : Seme here . . . I was wondering maybe youoeh help me out
JA           Help   you out?
ARTIE : Yes . . .mine lodge is having their annual dinner nce next

                     and   I   have               to entertein . .I thought   4 e you could
             give me ome jokes to                      tell .


DENNIS : Why don't yo ing "Clar.cy Lower

ARTIE : This I did last y
JACK : You did?

ARTIE : Certainly . .(SINGS) that~enoy, Cy thet Clancy,

             Whenever he got }rI/SIrish up --

DENNIS &
ARTIE : Clancy lowe d the boom, boom, boom, bo

             boom, b m .
JACK :       (IA NG) Sey, that's cute . .Mr . Kitzel, you g~to my

             c ice, and my seoretary Bert Scott will give you a
             jokes you went .




                                                                      Ar801   0020407
                                                                                                              -10a


                                                Oh, he~has them onfile there?

JACK : No, he meFes-them up _he's etter than my writers . .
                                                Helievo me .   -~
                                                                                            -         .                    .

                                       to be runnin-g l2ong . :
ARTy-We11, thafnks a lot . . . I've got____                                                                                .

IROCH : SAY, MR . KIT2EL . .I JUST NOTICED . . .ISN'T YOOR JAW A LITTLE                                                    .

                                                SWOLLEN?

ARTIE : Yeay ;;Wdnephew just opened up a dentist's office, and I went to him this morning


            :&q, And you had a tooth pulled?
                                          .JACK
ARTIE : Five of them .
JACK : You had five bad teeth?

ARTIE : Only one bad
            :Thenovcmyulethip oerfu?ARTIE                      .JACK

                                            : Fte's a beginner, he needs the experience
            :                                 Oh .JACK
             .      yz,~              LaQ
ARTIE : But he's going to be e~ver I good dentistK .He's st111U -

                                                studying herd . .He wents to specialize in stopping pain . .
                                                He's studying the nerves ofitke•.eth .
JACK : Really?
ARTIE : Yesll,you should see how delioately ims ,~w~ftY.s . .He removes

                                                the nerves from' eth, end hangs them on tiny little racks,

JACK : Gosh, that must be hard wcrk!                                                                                   .

      .~p ~nerve wrecking .
ARTIE.t                                                                                                .

JACK :~~ itzel, you vent through all that just to tell me a

                                                joke4

ARTIE :                                         (LAUGRS) Nyy . . .I guess I'm still a littlesilly from the

                                                laughing gas he gave me .

 JACK : Oh, he used laughing gas as an anaesthetio~ '




                                                                                                ar 9 o 1 oo 2 o 4 oe
                  `~^-
    ARTIE : Yes, @~d~it~s the silliee hing . . .he puts ift pliers in
                   my mouth, turns on the gas and it etarts . . .I'm laughing,

                   he's pulling . . .he's pulling, I'm laughing . .Cy, such a
                   mish mash .

    JACK : Gosh, I never had tbat . . .HOw long did you keep laughing?
    ARPIE : Until he banded me tbe bill .
       CK : No .
                   ln~ *
             .'            ( SOUm : PHONE    RINGS   OFF MIKE)
    ROOH : THAT'S THE PHONE, BOSS . .WANf ME TO 00 IN THB .HOUSE AND
                   ANSWEN IT?

    JACK : No, I want to go ien~and get a glass of water anyway .

    ARTIE : Well, I better le 2-now .

    DENNIS :        Me,.       too       V    _
                           (SOUND: PHONE     RINGS   OFF MIKB AGAIN)
    JACK : Excuse me . .I'll see you later, fellows . .So long .




                       (SODND :+ FOOTSTEPS ON'SIDSWF.LY. .THEN PHONE RINOS

                                    AGAIN. .FOOTSTEPS UP WOODEN STE,PS . .SCREEN
                                    DOOR OPEN4 . .CWPlE FOOTSTEPS . .PHONE R'[NGS . . .
                                    RH:EIVIIt UP)
    JACK :        ; (PUFFING A ISTTLE) Hello?
t

    JACK : Gh, hello, Claudotte . Pice of you to call . Dinner? SatUdday night?

             Gh, s•ure . . . sure . (loodbye . CR ROORESTFR, 3B 9A93 TO Hx9E iSiSS

             C01E72T'S TABLE CLOTHS PSADY BY SATU4MY tIIGhT . I'11 take them over

             in person . Then, maybe . . .




                                                                 AT 9 01--0 020409 .
                                                                 -12-

MAHLCN Nell, he saved the bars himself, but I hadde put u the

           ledder .

JACK : on, you shouldn't heve . . .now ve won't ~~ where he
           is n hts . . . . Hut will the arrangement -bs~finished
           tomorrow .
MAHf .GN : Yea .
JACK : Good .•Now I wen the full or estra beceus0 at rehearsel
                                           be


           I'm gofng to see
           FSCcuse me, Jack, but e get to hang up ~now, somebody
                               <-


           is   waiting   to use e ph e .

JACK :    Aren't              you          home?       _

MARLCN : No, I'm call g from e gasolin station . .Remley stopped
           off here t get filled up .
JACK : Wait a ute . .2 didn't know Frankie ad a car .

MAHI,ON : He hg n't, he'll drink anything .           ~

JACK :    G h~ ~
MAHIAN : 7Ie1l, so long,      Jack .


JACK : /Goodbye .                                \

                      (SOUND : RECEIVIIt DCWN)
JACK! C-ee . .imegine Frankie drinking gasoline . .Ihope 1       '8


            Mcbilges, then everybody can "Look for the sign o the
            Flying Red Guitar player" . . .Gee, what a bunch of 4ys . .I

            don't know why I keep them around . .They can't p1e music
            . .a lot of the time .they don't even   bother   show up for
            the program . .When they do show up, they're alwey
            inebriated . .Now that I think of it, those fel ws haven't

            sobered up once in all the years they'v en with me . . .

            If they ever startoashing_yheir-oliecks, I'm gonna fire
            them . . .5ometSme I xhink --
                      (sotmm : noGR    BUZZER)




                                                 AT 901 , 0020410
f

                                                                                                  _13_

    JACK : , Oh, the front door .
                                       (SCUND : COUPLE FOOTSTHPS . .DOOR OPFIiS)

    DON : Hello, Jack .

    JACK : Oh hello, Don . . .come on in .
                                       (SOUND : DOOR CLJSE9)

    JACK : You know, Don,                       when the       door bell rang, I knew it wes you

                             standing on the     front      porch

                 :          How           did            you
                                                           .DON          know?                   ,

    JACK :                   Because    I didn't have to walk to the             door . . .I   slid, it

                             was down    hill . .It   was that      simple .


    DON : (SARCASTIC) He ha ha••eome joke . .verrrrry,£unny•
    JACK : Nuh?
    DON :                    ® o nig comedian         always   making   cracks    at my expense .

    JACK : Don, I don't knov                          why   you should always be so sensitive

                             about it . . .after all, you are fat

                  :        il W , I'11 tell       you why      I resent it . . .It's not my fault
                                                                        .DON
                             ~'r I'm heavy . .it's my glands .

    JACK :Yourglands?DON
                  : Yea)L,they weigh two hundred pounds .

    JACK :                   4ft            J   o-       ~      a      4~ .,,._1      Q.$ .. 7 S .~(.s .

    DON : ~ it's ab ut time you '9ltopped kidding me about
                                             -


                             being fat . . .Everybody who knows you says that you're
                             becoming    somewhat chubby        yourself .

     JACK : Me? That's ridiaulous . . .For the past dozen years my weight
                             has always been a hundred and sixty pounds .

     DON : Oh yeah . .well, I'll bet you weigh a lot mote than 160
                             pounds right now .
                                        Y1'
                                                      lo.,
     JACK : Don, I'll prove to you that you're wrong .^Foliow me .
                                        (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS SUSTAIN AS JACK 2ALKS)




                                                                               RTS901 .    0020411
                                                                             -14-
JACK : I have some scales in the bathroom andwe'11 see just how
            much I do weigh .                   -
                     (SOUND : DOOR OPENS)                            .

JACK : Here we are
                          . (SOUSCALE BEING PCLLED OUT)
JACK : Now hereik t saa19• .M I'11 get on
                             : SCALE NOISES)           .(SOUND
JACK : All right, I'm on it, Don .

DON : (TRIUMPHANT) Yeah, yeah . .and look what it says . .l69 pounds
JACK : Say . .it does say that . .yQan't understand how I gained so
            much . .Oh, I know what the extra nine -p.ounde is . .i~ib --No,
                                               .~~6m gaining weight . .
            I left my wallet in my other pents ~~
            Don, .you get on, I want to see how much you weigh .
DON :    Well . . .ell right .

                (SOUND : NANON SCALE . .SMAIY REVOLVING NOISES . .
                         TFM "PI1PG" )              .
DON : Gee, I never saw that before . .a card ccmfng out of a

            bathroom scele .
JACK : That-s not a card . .that's a spring . .Gee, Imagine me being

            so mush overwelght . .I'm going to go right on a diet and

            eat nothing but rye krisp and lettuce .
DON :Jack, that's fine, but I'll tell you scmething lileC I

            ,ust started .
   : y,~~~ /~
JACK : What?
DON        ;iast week I Joinedthe Beverly Wilshire Aei9lth Club and I
                                   ~ -e..
            exercise in the gym ~there and take steam 6aths, masseges
            and everything .
JACK :      Hey,   that, sounds great .
DON : °{"Moold fact, I Yfaon my way there now . .how %b about

         ~~ folning me?
DON : ~ Don, you WA got a deal . .Let's go .                     .                  I

                     (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .BOOR OPENS . .F00'('STEPS ON CEKEVT)
JACK : Don, where's your oar7




                                                   AT 80 1 ._            0020412
                                                                                                     -15-

DON :                   AXMPM          F   ou
                                           Y     want     to lose weight, you+A!-got to waLk a

                         Lot .
JACK : You ' re rSght . .I'L1 tell                                   Rochester       I'm leaving . .(CALL4)

                         Oh, Rochester .                             .

ROCH : (OFF) YES,                                BO


                 :       (CALLS)           I'm    p   S?JACK ing over to the BeverLyWilshire Health Club

ROCR : (OFF) SHALL I GET YOUR CAR GVT?
JACK : No, I'm goir.g to walk .
ROCH :,hCOW~ARTi!JK
                  : '~Y s£op with t`.ose                     cracks        about my car ., . - Come on,     Don,


                         Let ' s go .

  (TRANSITION               6IUSC)~

                                      (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)


DON : (~C .K,Gee, itIs a n`_ce day .

 JACK : Yea,6 I Love watking here in BeverLy Hill,s bAeemm---




  llON :                 VM . . . .9ay, Jack _---                                            .   .

  JACK :                 What?

  DON :                   Isn't that your neighbor's nurse over there .pushing the

                          baby carriage?

   JACK :                yes . . .You 'r- :ow, that baby must be over a year old now .

                      - JM a smart taby1tw

   DON : ~~ nw,Yeah, and awfu :ly oute, too .
    JACK :L,~w,He re Here they come . . .HeLLo, you oute Little thing . . .Coochy
                          coochy coochy .               . . . .   coochy    coochy   pRa,
    DY




                                                                                      11   rx 01     002041    3
           Jack, Leave the nurse alone ~ pay attention to the
           baby .

JACK :    +E Oh yes, my gLasses are so thick . . .8ay nurse, this
           sure is a sweet baby, isn't it?

VEOhA :    Oui cui, Monsieur . . .C'est une beba tres                        bonne .


  a        Je n'a1 pas vu 1a mare de la b4bA depuls hier .

            a-t-elle?

VEOW+ :    311e         tres bien, merci, ~e11~                     dit souvent de vous .

JACK : 3ckoosa mwa . voodray~6o n p~aton du pom free t .
          y
VSOLdt : ~~,aoi?

JACK : Don, what                  I      say?

DON : '!ou             ad her for an order of FreT~ Fried potatoes .

 ACK :         . .oh, .Z meant to say she was a nice

 ON : Gee, Jack, that baby is so cute .

 ACK :     Yeah .


MEL :       iooos)
JACK :     Listen to        that .


MEL :


JACK :      (G'J[KfIES) Coochy, coochy, coo .

MEL :       ;C?IES)
          "~~~F9:~ecLha_=Y6tY8                                                . _




                            ~~ .u. . ;    ~ .-..~ .t- . _-vw.: -- .. .4 . .... cE.. .:cs c ..-1
 JACK :             ~.M1•Nere'sa,~little geme that all bebies 11ke . .

            ;iow pay attention„ Saby . . .This Little piggy went to

           market . . .th1s little piggy stayed home .

MEL : (GURGLES)

 JACK : This Little piggy hed xuast beef, and this little piggy
            had none .




                                                                     Rrxo I          0020414
MEL   : (GOFOLES)
JACK : And this little piggy cried wee wee wee vee wee . .4.+.e" --~-
DON :~// Jack, if we want to .get to the club, we better get going .

JACK :" Okay . .waltlLl I put my ahoe on . . . . There . . .doodbye, baby .
MEL : (GURGLES)

DON : Au revoir,                                  Mademoiselle .


VEOLA : Au Revoir . . .Oh, Pardonnez moi, Monsieur .

DON :        Oui,                   Mademoiselle?


VDJLA :      Donnerez-voua                                une      cigarette               de moi, s l il vous plait?

JACK :      What                         did              she              say,                  Don?           ~~.~J o

DON : She asked me for a cigarette . . .Here you are, Mademoiselle .
VEOLA : Ooh, la la, Lucky Strike . .Cette Cigarette 6st ma marque
             favorite .

DON :      ell, I T m gl hear you say it's your favorite brand .
             V       Ag
                ~         .i,
JACK• , ItIs my favorite, too, Mademoiselle . .Any time you want
             Lucky Strikes youcan come over to my house, I have a
             machine fu1L Don, ask her if she                                                                   knows       the Lucky

              Strike                      song . . .I ' d like to hear how it sounds in Frenoh .

DON : ?3ademoiselle, savez-vous chanter Ia chanson de Lucky

              StrikenFacs?VEOIA

          : Gui, oui . . (THEN SINGS) ~-4 i(--'---~^-                                                                   .

                          Si vous voulez mieux aout dans Ia cigarette, Lucky Strike est la marque acheter
                                                                                                            .      .

            . C l est Toasted donner a vous le mieux gout . .
                          C l est La toasted (Ooh• .la                                  Ia)      cigarette .

 (APPLAUSE)


 JACK : flw,•e erybody on the street is applauding . . .they
                          all like Lucky Strikes .
 DY




                                                                                                            HTH01 0020415
VF.OLA :'yn,Weli, why shouldn't they . . .LUckies are oleaner .,fresher, .

             smoother .
JACK : Yes, yes . . .they           certainly     are .                 .

DON : MM , Jack, we better hurry . . . . BonJour,Mademoiselle .
JACK : Bonjour .

VEOIA :    Bonjour,       Monsieurs,                                        ,

                    (SOIIfID : F00'PSTEPS . .SUSTAIN IN B .G .) .
JACK : Gee, I didn ' t know she spoke a *                  English .


DON : Neither did I . .You know, when she first c9me over here,

             she was a displaced person .                        o-                   "

JACK : Rea11y . . .We11, ev@rything seems to be^~ed-right~no~ w . .
             Come on,~ Ibn, let's go .                         ~.

DON ;        Ye~Na~+nd Jack, the first thinge we~'~11 do yhen we get to

           the ' c~luqb~ i,~s tgke astea~ bath~'F^^-" ~
                                    ..•-i%- . .-1- ~-+-~ {< ,f .e .
   .
 TR0 NSITIAN Mi7$3C) ~
                    V
                    (SOUNID : LIGHT HISSIN3 OF STEAM, .$USTAIN IN B .G .)

JACK :       How long have we been in this steam roomnow, Don?

DON :
JACK :       Oh, about a half hour, We'll have to get out soon„ I can't take too much of

             this heat~~           P--


DON : 8Ts awful7 .y hot in here
        : I'11 say, . .Boy, I haven't.JACK sweated like this since they
             closed the banks in nineteen thirty-three . . .Whewl

                    (SOUND :     FIVE   SECONDS     HISSIN7 STEAM
               ey, they must have         turned    on more s

             thing .


DON : - - Jac              heat melted                 _e and it slipped down
              over your tiyes . .




                                                            Rrxo1 ; oo2oats
                                                                        '19'

 JACK :       Let's           get         out         of   here .

 DCN :         Okay .


                        (SOUND :   DCGR   OPENS   &   CLOSES)


 DON :         Here, Jack, put on these trunks .

 JACK : Gee, this club provides everything .
 .DON : y*-c-e,It really does . . .Now let's put on these terry oloth bath
                                           G~..L
              robes and go into the gynA r meet the inetructor .

 JACK :        I'm right with you .

                        (SOUND : DOOR OPENS       & CLOSES)

 DON :         Oh, here's the instructor now .

 MEL : (SNIFFS A LA PUNCH FIGHTER) Oh, hello, Mr . Wilson .
                (SNIFFS)

 DON : Oh, hello, Kayo . . .Jack, this is Kayo Stevens . . .Kayo,

                this          is     Jack             Benny,         -i~-      )

 MEL ; Hey (SNIFFS) Jack Benny from radio and t9lev~slotR

                (SNIEFS)

 JACK : Ye6A,.pleased to meet you, iCayo
          : (SNIFFS) The feeling is (S :7IFFS) mutual
                                            .MEL
                                                       .
 DON : You know, Jack,,,Kayo used to be a prize ~ightere
 MEL :~s-(l)That's right (~ Mr . °_enny (SNIFFS)j,,,/Hsd my first
                fight in 1940 (SNIFFS) .

     JACK :     Really?

 ME    S, :     Yep (SNIFFS) I spent twelve years in the ring          (SNIFFS) .


     JACK : Twelveyears~
 MEL : Yep, but I finally came to, got up, andwent home (SNIFFS)




DY




                                                            HiX 01   0020417
                                                                                            -2o-
 JACK :                 Oh .
 MEL :                  Okay, gentlemen, take off your bathrobes .

 DON &
 JACK :,                AD     LIB    OKAYS .
 Dffi, : ^                     '6eforevestart, Mr . Benny                (SNIFFS)   I vaTma see your
                        physique so I can knpw what exercises to give you                              (SNIFFS)


                        . . .Turn around a               couple   of times .

 JACK :                 -4w CU  .         -e
                                    (SCIIND : FOOTSTEPS AS JACK TURNS)
 JACK :                 Well, how do I look?
ME[. :                  No wonder you get laughs when you say you're thirty-nine .
 JACK ;                 What?

 MII . :                (SNIFFS)
 JACK :                 Ncmm .
MII, :                  Well, I think I'11 start you aud Mr . Wilson off with the

                        regular bending exercises . .,are you ready?(SMFB'S)
 DON :                  I'm ready, Kayo
 JACK :                               .         .Me,to
MEL :                   Okay,, .Now as I count, bend down and touch the                        floor .

JACK &
DON :                   Okay .

MII, :                  Or.e, two,three, four,
                                  R. j
                                n
                        Serd dc~-,~tc4ch t~ floor (SMF~5 )
                                               wldh                    C
                        One,        txo, ltDr6e-& Mr . Wilson, you ain't doing it right,
DON ;,~What'swrong?MI

                . :Lo4,You're supposed to touch the floor with yourfingers, not

                        your stomach .
JACK :                  Yes, Don, you're not getting any benefit out of this .


BB




                                                                               Ar o 9   1   oo o   2   418
               .     1   -°-0` , D -
~   MEL : ~        ~'think that'll be all for today . .       (SNIFFS)


      JACK : That's all? ,
                   ._'/~ensa  ..,+
      M6L. : Yeah,,,no sense,overdoing it the first time, (SNIFFS)

      JACK : Say, Kayo,~ don't want to get personal, but I'd like to

                   ask you why boxers always do that .

      MEL :        Do what? (SNIFFS)

      JACK: That . (SNIFBS) . .,Whenever boxere talk, they .go (SNIFFS)
                   all the time, (SNIFFS)

      NII"s[. :'U,I don't know why the rest of them do it (SNIFFS) but I
                   got a cold . (SNIFFS)

      JACK : Oh,         well, I'm   gled you   explained   it,

      MEL : W"" /~.e.ee,Now go back in the steem room £or about ten minutes before
                   gol,ng home .(
      JACK :       ~ : . l (on,
                       .okay,,,aome             Don .

                          (SOUND : QUITE A FEW FOOTSTEFS . . .b00R OPSN9 . . .

                                     Mo F'ODTSTEP3)

      JACK : Let's see .,t, .this is the steam room here . . .

                          (SOUND : DOOR OPEPS, .,CLC6F9)




      BB




                                                                  AT 901 0020419
                                                                   -22-




JACK : (CGll6NS) Gee, the eteam is much thicker than when we
              left . I can't see a thing .

DON : Same here . . .~poesn't seem,•e*be as hoti'"~' .-e~•

JACK : Yeah . . . .Let's aee if we can find a place to sit down .

DON : Fat I can't see .

.JACK : Neither can I, but follow me . Maybe we can find---

              Whoops, sorry I busperl into you

         : That's all right, I can't see a thing eith@r .
                                             .JENY

JACK :        . . . .Don, Don, what's a woman doing in the steam room?

JENNY :       This is no steam   room,   this is Santa   Monica   Boulevard .

JACK :        Well,   I'11 be darned ;   JMdcl ~ amog is awful . . .Come on, Don,
              let's get back in .

(APPLAUSE    & PLIYCFF )




DY




                                                       Rrx 01 o 0 2 04 2 0
TRE AME RLCAN TOBACCO COMPANY
TNE JACK BENIV.Y PROGRAM
JANUARY go, 1955
                                                                             -C-
CIOS_II8} COmRCZ4L

WIISON : Just before Jack comes back again, here's a word for

             anyone who enjoys a good cigarette .

 (TRATfiSCRJSED)                     .
N'ULL ORC$ : "If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, uc
VEBSION)
                S t rike is the brand to getl             .

             Pi'S   TOASTED   to give you the best taste yet, .

             It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

            They take fine     tobacco,   it's ht tobacco, it's

            mild    tobacco, too                              .
            Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED,
            because    the toasting brings the flavor right through .


            So, to get    better   taste f v'G you .^ oig-a-rette,

            Strike is the brand .to gett

            IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,
            IV s the toasted (CTAP . . .CIAP, CLAP)

                cig-a-rettel"              -


WIISON : All you have to do is look at a pack of L+wkies, friends,                    .

            an: you'll see the reasons for Luckies' better taste

            printed right on the pack : L9/1gT, Lucky Strike means

            fine tobacco . Light naturally mild, goo3-tasting

            tobacco . And -- IT'S TOASTED . IT'S TO.STB) to taste

            bet~er . IT'S TOASTBD is the famous Lucl~r Strike process

            that tones up Lucki .es' fine tobacco . . . . brin'sing it to its

            peak of flavor . . .making it taste even better .
                                                                       (          )
                                                                           MORE




                                                     Arx 01       00   2 04 2 1           1
                                                                    -D-

WIL40N :      Cleaner, fresher, emoother . So, Be        Happy --   Go LuclC9i
(CONTID)
              Make your next csrton of cigarettes - better tasting

              Lucky   Striket



(TRANSCRIM)                                                                .
 (FULL ORCR, If you vent better taste from your cig-a-rette, Luoky
VI$i8I0N)
              Strike is the brand to getl                       .

              IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

              It' s the toasted (CIAP . . .CL4P, CLAP)

              cig-a-rettel




                                                    Rmot . oozoaa2
J



     TAG)
    JACK : Don, that was the most embarrassi hing that

               happen to me . .being out in the et like this .

    DON : Yeah, I'm we found oupn/ay back into the club .
    JACK : Oh - here's the S8 eam Room" . Let'a go in . Don .

                   (SWND : ~DOOROP           .HISSIN3 OF STSAM)
    DUN : Gee, ltI s nice and warm in

    JACK : I stilY oan't see        a thing . .   I'm go
    DRNNI8 : ch ; Hey, you're sltting on me, Miste

    JACK : Dennis, what are you doing here in the steeln

               I told you I had tofind someplace to sleep`tonight\
    JACK : -                    -                         Goodnight,folks .   i
                           Q--ELj
    (APPLAUSE & MUSIC) a                          ~   ~              .




    BB




                                                            RT909 :0020423
                                                    -24-
DGN : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by 3Wp Perrin,

        Milt Josefeberg, George Balzer, John Teckaberry, Hal

        Goldman, Al Gordon,   aBd produced arrl tranecr],bed   by


        Hilliard   Marke .

      CT4e-3aelrBeney-Yrn¢raug was brougyt tb_ym~--by-Luotc,V- -3 e,
                             Y

        product merican Tobecoo Cl~pany~~AnqC~ica's

         eading manufacturer of cigarettes .




BB




                                               arx 0100 2 04 2 4
BFRB~ TAREYTON


        Filter smokers! Here's thetrue tobacco taste you've

        been looking for . Filter Tip TARkRTON glves you all the

        full, rich flavor of TARbYTCN'S famous quality tobacco . . .

         and real filtration, too! Filter Tip TAREYTON

         incorporates Activated Charcoal, renowned .for its

         unusual powers of selective filtreticn and used far and

        wide to purify the eir ve breathe, the vator and

        beverages we drink . Look for the red, white and blue

         stripes on the package . They identify Filter Tip

        T-4NG"YTON, the best In filtered smoking .



        The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by the

        2~erican Tobacco Company . . . America's leading

        manufacturers of cigarettes .                .




DY




                                             RTH01= .,0020425          I
                                                      (J .B .R .7 ),
                                                      PROGRAId #20




                         MIERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY         _




                                LUCKY STRIlQs'

                          THE   JACK BEN1vY PROGRAM

       SUPmAY FEBFiUARY 6, 1955 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :,~0 PM PST

                         (Transeribed - May 24, 195 :)


               CAST : JACK BENNY
                        MARY LIVINOSTOi'W,
                        ROC}iFSTER
                        DHNNIS DAY
                        BOB CROSBY
                        DON HZISON
                        TRE SPORTSMEN QUARIT.T
                         FRANK iVF;LSON
                         BEA B^chE9ARET
                         MEL BLANC
                         BE1VIvY RUBIN




L


    -• MO




                                                         RTH 0 1 002042 ?
4"

     THE  AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
      TN8 JAOK BEIVNY PROGRAM' # 3
     FEBRUARY 6, 195 5
     7 :00 - 7 : 3 01MF.4T
     OPEi+ING OOtMAERCIAL

     WILSOiJ : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . tracscribed and presented by
                 Lucky Strike, the cigarette that's toasted to taste

                 better :

     (TRANSCRIBBC
     A CAPELL A
     VERSION) "If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, Luoky

                 Strike Is the brand to get l
                 IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

                 It's the toasted (CLAP . . .CLAP, CLAP) oig-a-rette .

     WILSON : This is Don Wilson . As cigarette smokers, you and I
                 know the most important single thing any cigarette can

                  offer is taste -- better taste . And as many millions

                  of Lucky smokers will tell you -- Lackies' teste better .

                 You know why? Beoause "IT'S TOASTFD"I Yes, IT'S

                 TOASTED to taste better . Luckies' better taste actually

                 begins with the fine tobacco that goes into every

                  Lucky Strike . 15/MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco .

                  And then, that fine tobacco is toasted . IT'S TOASTED :
                  That's the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up
                  Luckies' naturally mild, good tastinP, tobacco-brings it

                  to its peak of flavor -- makes it taste evenbetter .
                  Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So, for better taste in
                  your cigarette, Be Happy -- Go Luckyf Buy a carton of

                  better tasting Lucky Strike ;




     MG




                                                       RTif01 .0020428
(FIRST   ROUTINE)


(AFPER COWdERCIAL, MUSIC UP APm DOWN)

DOW : THE UJCI{Y STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH

           MARY LIVIiYGSTOtE, ROCHESTER, DEiSVIS DAY, BOB CROSBY,

           AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON .

(APPLAUSE . .MUSIC UP AM) DOWN)

DON : LADI&4 AND G NPLII+EN, TOXIGHC JACK BEiVnY DQES A~-NOYHER ~
                                                        .
           OF HIS PROGRAMS OVER THE C .B .S .~JA+.NEPWORK . .

           BUT MEANWHILE, LEP'S GO OUT TO JACK'S HObIC IN BEVERLY

           HILLS, WHERE, AS YOU KNOW, HE ISVES ALOiE WITH HIS

           BUTLER, ROCHESTER . IT'S NINR-THIRTY IN THB MORNING AND,

           AS USUAL, ONE IS IN BED WHILE THE OT'ER IS IN THE                          .

           KITCHEN PREPARING BREAKFAST .

JACK :     (PAUSE) iJow let's see, where are the e &6s? .              . . .   Gee, it's
           so   hard    to find anythin6 in this refri 6 erator . Maybe I
           ou&hta      trade it   in .   I   hear the newer   models    have a
           light in 'em . Oh, here's an e L4 y on the bottom shelf .
           (HUMS) Pretend         you're     happy when you're .blue . . .Should
           I have one eEyg or take two . . .Eh, one egg's~enough . . . .
           I,)ust said two so it would rhyme .

                  (SOUND : AEPRIGENATOR DOOR CLO .SE)JACK
     : I think I'11 scramble it . . .ISt's see, now . . .first I'll
           break it into this bowl .

                  (SOUD : FIVE         CLICKS   OF B3G ON SIDE OF BOWL)

JACK : Hnmlm9n .                                              -
                    (SOUPID :   FIVE   OLICKS OF FL'G OF SIDE OF       BOWL)


                                        .Maybe I letter have my
JACK : Gosh, I'm veak In thermrning . .
           orange 3uioe first . . .Yeah . . I'l1 make some'orange ,juiee .

MG       (SOUND : CUITINCr ORAN(}E . .SQUEEZIIS'i JVICE IINfO GIASS)




                                                          Arxo 1          0020429          i
                                                                                        -2-



                                                                          sure looks good . . .
JACK : (IDJMS "PREPEriD") .^ That orange
                                                              juice
JACKq
         Nov to get the seeds out . . .There ' s one . . .two . . .three . . .

         four . . .five . . .I              think I'll   go   outside         atd -~- Nah,    it


         would take them years to grow . . .(SINGS) Pretend you - re

         happy   when you ' re blue . . .da da da da da da da --

                 (SOU'D : PHONE RIMS OFF)

JACK : Now who can that be?

                 (30UPD : FEW FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR CPEIyS AI'm CIASES . . .
                             IAId'i FOOTSTEPS . . . PHONE RIHpS A6AIN . . .
                             RECIVUP)JAK

     : Hello .
RUBIN : Hello, this is Russer's Jewelry store in B9Venly Hills .
JACK : Yes .                                                  ,
RUBIM : The dlamorM necklace with the emerald perl9ant you

          ordered is ready atd-we can deliver it tedeV, . .Please

          have your check for .twelve thousand dollarsl..xeady .

JACK : Look, this is Jack Aenny . .,You must have the wrong
          number .

RUBIN : Must have? I haven't been this wrong sinoe I invited
          my motherir.-law to live with us
                         : RECEIV$H DqiN)                       .(SOU"D                        .

JACK : _Inw
              . (SOUi.D :                  FOOTSTEPS)


JACK : What reason would I have to buy a dlamond neoklace?

                 (SOUPID : DOOR OPENS AM) CIASES . . .FOCTSTEPS)




MG




                                                                          8   7Yl01 -0020430
                                                                   oran---
JACK :    , 1"PM yqok silly on me . Now to have               my


           Say, that's funny, the      glass   is   empty . . . Somebody



           drank my orange juice . . .Hmm . . .there's nobody in the
           house but Rochester --- That's it . .RochastoT . .Walt'11

           I --
                  (SOU?77 : FEW FAST FCOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPETIS . . .FAST

                            :'OOTSTEPS . .RUNNING URiTAIRS . .DOWN HALL . .

                            DOOR OPENS)

JACK :     Rochester . . .Rochester, did you drink my orange juice?

RCCH :     (SNORE)

JACK :     Rochesterl You're not fooling me . .Get upi

ROOH : (LONG SNORE)                                                .

JACK : Rochester :
ROCH : (Si10RE4 AND KY-6TB5) I .t']i OW I'M CUTE, aONEY, BUT CONPROL
           YOURSELF .

 JACK: F6mo . . .maybe he is asleep . . . I'11 tickle him ecd wake
           him up .

 RCCH :     (SNORES   AP D GIC-0IES)

 JACK : Rochester --
 RCCH : (QUICK SNORE) IT'S YOU, BOSS, WHAT A

           DISA.PPOINfMENf .

 JACK : Now Rochester, : made a glass of orange juice, I went
            in the next roca to answer the phone, arA when I came

           back, the orange juice was gone .

 ROOH : MA'L'''E TkT; MICE 7RANK IT .
 JACK : Mice don't driri orange juice .                                .

 ROCH : IN CALIFORNIA?



 MG




                                                        ATYSOt 0020G31
Y                    -4-

JACK : All right, I know you drank~t ; but we-11 talk about it
         later . .   Nov get out of bed . ^ I want you to drive me down
                                                        o


         town to the doctor's office . I dxta            got   to   g   o for a

         physical .                                     -

ROCH : WHAT' S THE MATTER, BOSS? Y00 FEEi . BAD?
JACK : No no . .it's just that my sponsor is takinE out an
         insurance policy on me and I have to be ex,emined .

ROCH :   HOW    MUCH IS    THE    POLICY F OR ?
JACK : A million dollars . .but if I'm killed accidentally, the
         sponsor collects two million dollars .

ROCH : TWO      MILLION?                                            .
JACK : Yes
           .,ROCH
     : BOSS . .YOU BEPTPR WATCH YOUR STEP . I HEAR YOUR SPOA80R'S

         HOBBY IS RIFLE SHOOTING
     : Oh . .I'm not       worried        .JACK
                                       about that . .He does    his      target
         practice on a range way out at Sunset ar,d Westwood . .aa
         I don't even pass there on my way home .
ROOH : I KNOW, BUT FOR           TWO   MILLION DOLLARS TH6Y CAN MAKE A
         BULLEP THAT WAITS          FOR   YOU AT PCC     AND   SBML     ,V~ A .
                                                                         =


JACK :   What    are you talkic{rs about? My sponsor is just                      trying


         to protect his          investment,      that's all . NoY hurry
         downstairs .                                     '

                 (SOU :`D ; DOORCIASFS . .FOOPSTEPS DOWN HALL AIa)

                            DOWii STAIRS)




BB




                                                        fli 90 1, ; .0020432
                                                                            -5-


JACK ; (OVER FOOTSTEPS) Imabine him denying that .he drank

           that orange juice . .(MAD) +)~}t8~ot a_good 4otion to

           make him stay in bed all day . .No, he'd like that .

                   (SOUPID : DOOR OPE'rS . .F0TSEP)JACK
     : I better squeeze another orange .

                   (soarm : ComrInc oRANaR . .Se.oEEaI NG IT)
JACK : (HUMS "PREPFS7CN" ) '                                                .

           Well,    that does it .

MARY : (OFF) OH JACK .,JACK, ARE YW UP Y^C?
JACK : Huh? OH HELTA, MARY, COME ON IN . .I'M                           IN THE    KITQhFJQ. .

           WHAT ARE YOU DOING }ff RE SO                   EARLY?


MARY :     Early?       I was here a few minutes ago . I came into the

           house, walked into the kitchen, nobody was there, so I
           drank a glass of orange juiceand                        left .


JACK : Mary . .you . .you drank my --

MARY : All right, here's a dime .
JACK : (MIMICKiHO) Here's'a dime . .here's a dime .,,Don't be so

           saxcastic „I've made a terrible mistake . I accused
           Rochester of drinking my orange juice .
MARY :     Well,    that's you,           Jack .      Always jumping to .conclusions .
JACK : ?lways what?

MARY : Alweys ,7umping to conclusions .

JACK : Z do not .
         ~ ( ~ _
          i
MARY : ~1!het about that morning you got out of bed, acd accused

           Rochester of taking your new suit .
JACK :     Well . . .


MARY : Then you took off your nightgown ard there it was .


BB




                                                                    fliYS01 0020433
3ft



                                                                                    -6-
      JACK : F~-That wasn't my fault . Wcen I come home tired, he's
                     supposed to undress me .

      MARY :         Well, anyway, I_ drank your orange juice ardyou oughts

                     apologize to Rochester .

      JACK :(Bi1SHFUL) Oh Mary, I don't have to apologize, he knows

                     I'm aorry .

      MARY :         He does not and you've gotta tell him .

      JACK :         Oh, Mary, I can't,

      MARY:        ~ ~qu c an, too ., w be e mer: .
                   ~~.-~ C                                                  \
      RCCK :       `- 0'" H, HELLO, MISS LNIP'GSTO :                 ~/

      MARY :         Hello, Rochester,,,Mr .             Benny   has somethi77{; to say to you .

      JACK :         . . . . .Oh,,,
      MARY :         Jack, go ahead .

      JACK :         . .- .Well„
      MARY :         Jack,,,                                                    .         .
      JACK :         Oh all right,,,,Rochester . .

      MARY :         Turn around and face him :
      JACK :         Oh .


      MARY :         Go on .
      JACK :         Wel1 . .Rochester„
      ROCH :         YES,   BOSS .                                      .
      JACK :          . . . .(FAST) I'm sorry I           said   you drank my ;orangejuice .
                            (SCUP     O   : 5   PAST   RUiur__IG FOOTSTEPS . .IqUD DOCR SLM -1)
      MARY :         JACK, COME BACK BEREI                                      .
      JACK ;         (O;F) I WILL i40T :
      MARY :   C   ` . What a   baby .            -
      ROCH : WELL, I BEITER GEf TKE CAR OUT . I GOP1'A TAKE MR . BEttYY

                     TO THE DOCTOR.
      BB




                                                                      RTH01 - 0020434
MARY : The doctor. . .what for?                                                  .

ROCH : THE SPONSOR TOOK OUT AN ITSURANOE POLICY AND MR . BENIff
            HAS TO BE EKAMINED .
JACK :      Rochester .


MARY : Oh, you' re back .
JACK : Yes . .Rochester, get the car now and we'll go . Now I've
            gotta hurry, Mary, so you --                                         .

                   (SOUND : PHONE RINGS)
JACK : Oh darn it, there ' s the phone .,Just when I'm reedy to
            leave,


                   (SWtd) :RECIVUP)JAK
        : Hello
     : (RIOH VOICE) Hello Jack, guess who this is .
               .DON

JACK : Huh? Who is                       this?   I'm   in a hurry .              .

DON ;       (HIGH VOICE) I , 11 give you a hint .
            Roses are red

            Violets are blue
            Sugar is sweet                                                                        .

            And I'm lumpy, too . (LAUG76S NATURALLY)

JACK: Oh for heavens sake, Don, I have to rush apay . What did
            you                  call              me       for?             „

DON : Well Jack, I've got the Sportsmen here and^welve got a
        . wonderful idea for a commercial .
JACK:       But   Don, I c?on - t want to hear it over the phone . You
            can wait till                rehearsal .     Anyway, I don - t like the songs

            they ' ve been picking lately, Wt~V don , t they pick
            something             classy onoe in a while?

BB




                                                                      Arx   01       0   020435
                                                           -&
DON : Classy . .,thatts exactly what this one is .
JACK : Don, you ' ve been      saying   for years that these

            commercials are classy aid that quartet     always   winds

            up going crazy .

DON : Not this time, Jack, You'll love this one
        : Ch, I will, eh?, .,Well, let me heer it . Are the boys
                                                      .JACK
            close to the phone?

QUART : F@1NL"RRi .
JACK :      All   right, Don, let me hear it .

DON :       TAIIE IT BCY8 .




                                                    Arxo   1    0020430
                                                                                                                                   -9-

                      (SOUND : TkG                            GUN   SHOTS)

@UART :   THEY        WARNED ME W HEN YOU                             KISSED


                                                                                MEYQ7RIVWOUl0CfisT
          YOUR LIPS WOULD FIND ANOTfSR

          AND YOUR RFi1RT WOULD GO ASTRAY

          I THOUGHT THAT I COULD HOLD YOU

          WITH ALL MY MANLY CHARMS

          BUT THEN ONE DAY YOU RICCCCHSTED TO SOMEONE Sf6E'S ARMS

          APID BABY . .I DON'T WANT A RI000CHET ROMANCE
          I DON'T WANT A RICCOCHEf LOVE

          IF YOU'RE CARELES4 WITH YOUR KISSFS

          FIND ANO'17DiEt TURT7E DOVE .
          I CAN'T LIVE ON RICCOCHEf ROMANCE

          NO NO, NOT ME .
                                                                                                         .IFYOU'REGNAICHP,BY

          I'M GONNA SET YOU FREE .

                         (SOUND : 1W0 GUN SHOTS)

          I RNEW THE DAY I MET YOU

          YOU HAD A ROVING EYE

          I THOUGHT THAT I COULD HOLD YOU WHAT A FOOL I WAS

                                                              .TO TRY
          YOU PROMISED YOU'D                                   BE    FAITHFUL                                                  .

          AND         YOU WOULD NEVER STRAY
          THIIV LIICE A RIFIE HULLZSP (SOUND
                                               : GUN SHOT)

           YOU BPxiAN TO RICCOCHET .
           BUT BABY . .I DON'T WANT A RICC0CH6T ROMANCE

           I DON'T WANT A RICCOCHET LOVE

           YOU AND ME ARE THROUGH FOREVER

           FIND           ANOTHER                TURTLE             DOVE
 OV                                                                          (MORE)




                                                                                                     A7 8 07 0020437
                                                                      -10-
•
    QUABT :         THANKS FOR     ALL TBOSE GIFTS YW GAVE ME
        OGNTI
    (           D) TBOSE UJCKY STRII E9
                    LBTIS FOBGEP AT8) LIGBT UP A USORY

                    THAT'S THE ONE I LTRE

                    I ' LL BE   HAPPY    PGFFI N3 A UJCRY

                     I CAN    COUNT ON    UJC$IES, I KNOW
                    AUAA7CS WITH ME WH6N I TRAVEL

                    FULLY PACM AND RBAU3C TO GLOW
             . ALWAYS CLFANS[t,            FRESHER   AND SMOOTh'ER

                     THE BIyST SMOKE YET .

                     IkPfS BE HAPPY, HAPPY GO LUCIIY
                     WBAT A CIGARhPTE

                     LEP ' S BE HAPPY, HAPPY GO       LUCKY


                     LE   P ' S LIGHT A LUCKY STRIKE .
        (APPIAUSE)




        GV




                                                               flTK0,9,0020438
                                                                -11-
(SECOND RCUTINE)                          .
JACK :       . . .Don . . .Don . .why is it they always start out so nice

            and then go craayq . . .We can't use that commercial,

            that'sM1too noisy . Anyway, where did they get that gun7

DON : They found it on a bench at Pico and Sepulveda .

JACK :    N0 :

DON :~ Wknt's that,                  Jack?


JACK : Nothing, nothing .,I'11 see you at rehearsai .

                             (SODND : RECRIVER DOWN)        .
JACK :     iM . .I thought Rochester was only guessl :yg . . .We~l+1, I'm
            gonna have my orange juice and then go . .~t,~eome on,
            Rochester, let's --
MARY :      Well,             look who's here .
DENNIS : Hello, everybody . .I ceme in through the kitchen .

JACK :&A Oh, hello, Dennis .

DENNIB : Hello, Mr . Benny, and thanks for the orange juice .
JACK : Oh, for heaven'ssake . .vhat do you think this ie, a

             cafetri?MARY&

DRNNIS : Yes .

JACK : Lcok ktds, it's not just the orange juice, it's the

             principle . I'm trying to conserve food

         : Oh, my mother conserve' food every night.DFNIS .

JACK : Well, she deserves a lot of credit . .How,does she do it?
DENNIS : When it's time for dinner, she locks me in a closet .

JACK : Dennis .




GV




                                                       flTYl01 D020439
     DENNIS : But last night I got even with her . I ate the door
                                  knob .
     JACK

                 : What? DEN IS : Nov every little thing turns my stomach .
     JACK : Look kid . .I haven't had my breakfast yet, leave me

                                   alone . . What brings you over here, a yway?

     DENNIS ;                      Well, I got a brand new arrangemen~                  my song   and   I

                                   thought maybe you wanted to hear it .

     JACK : Well, do I have to hear it now? I mean, so early?

     DENNIS : On, it isn't early, Mr . Benny . . .I'm up anQ dressed and
                                    out of the house at five o'clock every morning .

     JACK : Five o'clock? What for?

     DENNIS : The busses aren't crowded .

     JACK : Dennis, where do you have to go at five o'clockin the morning?



     DENNIS : No place, but I get a seat .

     JACK : Eere kid, have a door knob .
     MARY : Jack, not in the head .
     JACK : Look Dennis, you sing your song for Mary and she'll

                                      tell me how it is . I've gotta have breakfast and rush

                                     away to the doctor's .

     DENNISgac.~I don't blame you . You look awful .                                                        .

      JACK

                   : What? DEN IS : Sing, kid .

      JACK : You said it . .I'11 see you kids later . . .0oodbye .
       (APPIAUSE)
     (DE[d'lI3'S SONG . ."GHANADA") "

L (APPI{tUSE)                                                                .


      gv




                                                                                 19   rxot oo 2 o44 o
                                                                   -13-
(THII2D   ROUTINE)


                     (SOUND : IfJUSY MOTOR & IK)RN)

JACK :       Rochester,     wetre   awfully late . Can't you go a little
             faster?



ROCH : OKAY .
           . (SOUNfi :          MOTOR   FASTFR)

JACK : You know, right efter my -- I take my physical, ve'11

             go down to the --

                     (SOUND : IAUD GUN SHCT)
JACK : Rochester . .Rocheater . .ther got me! . .Thes,~aot me!

ROCH : Gh'P BACK IN THg SEAT, BOSS, THAT WAS A TIRE .
JACK : I should have knovn . . we're only at Pico and Roxbury .

                     (SOUND : CAR STOPS)
JACK : Rochester, you change the tire and I can walk to the

             doctor's office from hore, YARShEM.

(TRANSITION MUSIC) (SOUND
                              : SIITd FOOTSTEPS)

JACK : Let me see, his office should be eround :here . .Oh, there
             it is . .Doctors Fenchel and Gordon .
                     (SOUND : DOOR OPBTIS . .COUPLB FOOTST$PS)

JACK : (CLEARS Tf620AT)
BEA : Yes sir?

JACK : How do you do .,I!m Jack Benny .
BEA :      Oh   yes,    you   have an appointment   for   a   physical
             examination .

JACK : That's right .
BEA : Well, I'11 have to fill out this card .first . . .Name . . .
             Jack Benny . .

JACK : That's right .
TB




                                                    RT7S01       0020441
                                                                                         -14-
BEA : Your address?

JACK : 366 North Camden Drive .
BEA :       Your complexion? Ruddy

JACK :                               .

BEA :       Color of your eyee?

JACK :       Lazy Lagoon Blue .

BEA :       Your height?

JACK :       Five foot ten .

BEA :       Your weight?

JACK : A              hundred               and fifty-seven .

BFA :~,Nov I'll just slip this band around your erm . .there
         : Hey, this is awfully tight . .what Ss it?                                              .JACK

BEA : A lie detector, the next question is your age .

JACK :        Now wait a minute, I don't need a lie                            detector      to tell

              you my age, I'm thirty-nine .                                          .

                                         (SOUND :     FIRE ALARM BELL RINGS LG UDLY)

JACK : Look, a lie detector can be wrong,                                 too, you       know .

BEA : Well, Mr . Benny, if you'll just sit over there and wait,
               the doctors will see you in a minute .

JACK : Well, thank you .
                                         (SOUND :     FGGTSTEPS . .SCUFFLING   OF   CNAIR)

JACK : How do you like that . .using a lie detector when she -

               aske3 my age . .None of the other nurses ever did that .

               They ask me my age, I tell them I'm thirty-nine and they

               put down whatever they think . . .I've got a'good mind to

               absolutely-- (SCUPID

                                                    : DOOR OPENS)                    .


TB




                                                                        fliX 0 1 ~...092O4 4 2 .
                                                                                      -15-
BOB : (UP) hS0                                  LONG,   DOCTOR,FTHPS7KS A IOT .

                                                  (SOUND :   DOOR CIAS'nS)

JACK : BOB
           : 0?Hello, Jack .
                   :BO
JACK : Bob Crosby, what are you doing here? /1

BOB : Well, they took this X-ray of ine . . And I ~uet picked it
                   up .

JACK : Oh . .Say, what's the writing down in the corner of the
                   X-ray? . .thenamof dctr?BO

           : Oh, nu . .no . .no . .it says, "To Brother B1ng, with Love" . .
                                                                                                 .I'm6ivngtohmfrisbtday,

JACK :             Bob . .why                   in the world would you give Bingan X-ray

                   for                           a       present?                 -

BOB :              tdell, he's got everything else .

JACK :             Well, that's logical . .may I take a look at it, Bob?

BOB :/+K -
         -y        Sure,               go ahead, Jack .

                                    (SOU"D : RUSTLING OF PAPSR AM7 CELWLOID)
JACK :             Let me see .,Bob, nothing shows in this X-ray . .wby is
                   it so blurry?

BOB : Oh, well, you have to use poloroid gl.asees, it - s three
                   dimensional .


JACK :Nokidng?BO
           :       .%*-Jack, what are y_ou doing here?

JACK : Oh, it-s noth,i~~~g., I,iust came for an insurarce
                    examination .,~' The sponsor is taking out a million
                   dollar policy on me .



BB




                                                                              Rr 8 o 1 oo2o443
                                                                    -16-
BOB : A million dollars :

JACK : Uh huh .
BOB : Well, who's going to           pay   the five   dollars       1'or the

            medical   exem4 . .you or the sponsor?
JACK : The Blue Cross, I fourd a loophole . . .So long, Bob .
BOB : So long .

     .                                   .Sffi)
           (SOUDID : FOGfSTEPS . .D00R CL0
BEA : Oh, Mr . Benny, the doctor will see you row .

JACK : Thank you .

                 (SOUPID : FEW FOOTSTEPi . .DOCt OPENS)
JACK : Oh, Doctor . . .Doctor?

NELSON : Yessasa?
JACK :      . . .Well Doctor, here I am .
NEL50N : Oh .
                 (SWN) : RFLEIVFI2 UP . .DIAISNG OF 5ATMlERAIS ON
                            PHONE)
NELSON :    . . . .Hello, Bolton's Mortuary?
JACK : What?

NEL40N : I'm having lunch with Ralph Bolton .
JACK : Oh .

NEL40h : We're quite friendly . .I throw him a lot of business .

JACK : I see .

NEIBON : Hello, Ra1ph . .One thirty at the Brown Derby? Fine . .
            Goodbye, Ralph .                                    .

                 (SOUnD : RHOE1VF12 DOWN)
NEL40N ; I like going out with him, he drives such a big car . . .

            Ard now, Mr . Benny, I'll get my associate in here and

            we'll give you your examinetion . .(UP) Oh, Doctor Gordon . .

BE




                                                      Arx   01       0020444
                                                                              -1~-

MBL : (SLIGRf MOOLEY) Yes, Doctor Fenchel,

NELSON :      Will you help me with this examination?, .,This is Mr .

              Benny .

JACK : Oh, pleased to meet you, Dr .                        Gordon .


MEL : Thank you,, .Now Mr . Benny, will you please strip?
JAOK : You mean undresa?

MEL : YeQA.
        :     All     .JACK
                    right .

(BAND       PiAYS "PAETTY GIRL IS       LIKE   AMIDY")JCK
        : Doctor„Doctor . .I don ' t need the music .

NE[SON : I-m sorry, our lest patient was Tassles LaTour .
JACK : Oh,

MEL :          Now get behintl that screen and take off your                         clothes .


JACK : Yes sir

              .MEL
     : When you - re ready,             Dr .   bbnchel ard I           will   be in the

               next room .

                        (SOUA'D : DOOR OLCBIS)
NELSON : Oh Doctor, I've been concerned about that call you made
               this moinl,ng . .anyinformation yet?

MEL : Yest-~I~,godt a report from Dr . Stanley and„and .,it's all
               over .
NELSON : What was the result?
MEL : She ran fifth andwe lose four bucks . . .,,I wonder                                  what's


               taking Mr .    Benny   so long .
                        (SOUTD : DOOR OPENS)
MEL :        Mr . Benny, 41M you got all your clothes off?

JACK1:~~ Yes, yes .

MRL ://>-~~-~; Then come out from behini that screen . '


BB




                                                                 Arxo -oo o
                                                                          1           2   445
,
4



    ,~                          -la-
        JACK :Well gee, don t t I get balloons or enything?
    '   MEL :       Here,   j   ust slip on this   gown .


        JACK : Yes sir . . .There, I'm ready
                 ; Very ve11 . . .Nov, Mr . Benny, will you please step
                                                 .NELSO
                    be'Mnd this fluroecope?

        JACK : Yes sir .
        NffiSON : Contact .
        MEL: Contact .

                            (SOUHI) : CLICK. .sISGHf BUZZING Or FLUAOSCOPE)
        MI60N : We111111l . . .there seems to be a rousl metallic object
                    near your kidney
                :SIThat's a quarter I swallowed years ago .
                                    .JACK
        N&IfiON : Shall we, Dr . Gordon?

        MBL : Why not? . . .Mr, Beqny . Wiil you please hiccup?
        JACK : Niccup?

        MEL : Yes ~- •                                              .
        JACKc (HICOUPS)

        NELSON :    (NAPPY) It - e tails, Dr . Gordon, you lose .

        JACK : Wnet is this, anyway?
        MEL : Fow hold still, Mr . Benny . We want to exemine your

                    st ;mach through the fluroscope .

        JACK : Yes, sir .                 .

        N6ISOiV : The spleern seems to be okay . . .anxl the pancreas is in
                    tte right position .

        MEL : Yeel.yea-~but look .at the liver .

        NELSON : The liver?

        MEL :       Yes~ vhat - s that on top of it?
                        )




        BB




                                                            ArXat   0   02 044 6
                                                                                                     -19-

N67BON : Well, I'11 be darrned . . .onions .

JACK ;           Sixty-nine cents at Rexall .

NBISON : Now,            Mr .   Benny, drink this glass of barium .

JACK : You             mean      all that vhlte stuff?                                       .

NELSON :         Yes, . .it - a a harmless                chemical   and vhenyou drink it,

                 we can        follow        its course through the fluroecope .

JACK ;           Oh . . .all right, . . . . .Gee, it tastee awful .

MEL : Drink it all .                            ,

JACK :           . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .There .                                      .

MEin Oh look, Dr . Fenobel,the barium has reacRBd the
                 esophageal entrance . . .there it goes over tbe oriooid
                 cartilige       . . .   .   behind the     tracheal      bixl:rcation . .through

                 the arch of the aorta                . . . .   How it's pesslhg the

                 esophageal hiatus of the diaphragm .

JACK : If it passes Pico ani Sepulveda, it-s dead .

MEL :            How it s oomin6 around the esophegeal
                           '                                                       gastric            ,lunction, . .

JACK ;           What?                                                                   .

NE   IS   ON   : (IDCCITID) IT'S PASSING THE KID Q^l                  R       ON   THE           OUTSIDE .    .




                 HEADED        INTO      THE HCME STREPCH . IT S BARIUM SULPHATE BY
                                                                          '




                 TWO LEN(IPHS .                                                              .

MEL :            COME ON, NATIVE DANCER : CQO ON, NATIVB                             RkIV           IIt : .

NEL40N : IT - S BARIUM BY A NQSE : NATIVE DAHCSR .IS_SIa'OTD . Atm
                 HERE    C06fES TASSEL5 .LA TOURI                                            .
JACK : DOCTORS, DOCTORS, WHAT IS THIS? WHAT'S GOIiS'i ON HERS?

MEL : Well, that's a11 . .,The examination is over . You can go
                 now .



JACK :           Well,     thank you,

                          (SOUffil : CWPLE OF FOOTSTBPS„DOOR OFEIS)
BB




                                                                              Rrxo 1 oo 2 o 447
                                                              -20-

N6L40N :     Oh, Mr . Benny . .                  '

JACK :       Yes .

IvT:L30N :   You better put your clothes on .             .

JACK :       Oh yes, yes . .I foNgot . .D11 put my clothes on .

                     (SWPm : COUPLE FOCQBTEPS . .DOOR OPENS & CLOSffi)
JACK :       (SI}IOS) A PREPTY GIRL IS I= A MBLODy . .DA DA DE DUM
             DA DUM . .

(APPLAUSE Ai'm PLAYOFF)




P8




                                                Ai7i01 V0 02044 8
                                                         -21-

DCN : Jack will be back in just a minute to tell you about h1e
     . television program which goes on Immediately after this

         show, but first the Sweetheart of Luoky Strike --

         Dorothy Collins!



DON : Jack will be back Sn a minute to tell youu about his

         television program which goes on at seven P . M .

     . tonight over the C . B . S .   television network,   but   first


         the Sweetheart of lucky Strike --   Dorothy   Collinel




JO




                                               ATH 01       0020449
                 .AN TOBACCO
     TNg Q!t[rdtIC                         COMPANY            -C-
     TNg JACK BENNY PROGRAM
.i
     CIACOw5mI.

     (TRAN9CRT8S0 "If you went better taste from your oig-a-rette,
     CALYPSO
     VERSION) ackv       Strike    is the brand to getl
                   IT'S TOh4TID to give you the beat taste yet,

                   It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CLAP, CIAP) .oig-a-rette .

                  They take fine tobacco, it's light tobaoco, St's
                  mild tobacco, too
                  Then IT ' S TOASTID, yes, 1T ' S TOAST&C,
                   because the    toasting brings   the flavor Pight

                   through .

                   So, to get better toste from your oig-a-rette,

                   Luckv Strike 1s the brand to getl
                   1T'S TOASTED to'give you the best taste.yet,

                   It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CIAP, CIAP) Olg-a-rettel


     HII,SON : That's something to remember, friends : "If you
                   want better taste from your cigarette,Lucky Strike
                   is the brand to getl" Yes, because DVS TOASTBU to

                   taste better . Now, first of ali, Iuokies taste
                   better because they're made cf fine tobacco .
                   I3/MFT, Luoky Strike means fine tobacco, naturally

                   mild good-tasting tobacco . And then, that tobacco
                   is toasted . 1108 TOASTIID" -- the femous Luoky
                   Strike process -- tones up Iuckiest naturalby mild

                   good-tasting tobacco to make it taste even better .

                   Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Keep that ;,1n mind and
                   for a better taating smoke every time --make your

          , cigarette - Luoky Strikel

     JO




                                                       Rrxo .,I
                                                                  1
                                                                      0020450
(TAp)

JACK :       Isdies and gentlemen, I     w   as going to tell you about .

             my television    show,   but we're a little      late,    so

             tune in and vatoh It . . .Goodnight,     folks .


(APPIAUSE)


DON : The Jack Benny           show   tonight was written by Milt

             Josefsberg,    John Taokaberry,     Al Gordon,     Hal   Goldman


             and produced    and   transcribed by Hilliard      Marks .




 JO




                                                   prxoa        0020451
                                                          -23-
NERIERT TARYTCN
NR 3o1F

          Filter smokersl True tobacco taste, . .real .£iltration . .

          famous TARYTCN quality . . . they're all yoursvhen you

          smoke Filter Tip TANYTCN . Filter Tip TARY'1'ON gives

          you all the full, rich taste of TANY'M1NI3 quality

          tobacco and real filtration, too, because Filter Tip

          TANYTON incorporatee Activated Charcoal, renouned for

          ite unusual poaers of selective filtration . Look for

          the red, white and blue stripes on the paokage . They

          identify Filter Tip TANYTCN, the best in filtered

          smoking .


DON : The Jack Benny program was brought to you by the

          American Tobacco Company . . America's leading

          manufacturer of oigarettes .




Jo




                                               prxoa oo o   2    452
                                                    REVI~$CRI




               AMERICAN   TQ, AACCC COMPANY ~

                      iuoKr smRI KN
                WE   JACK $t NNY PROCBtAM

SUNDAY,   F=DARY   19,      1955            4 :00-4 :30 .PM PST
              (Trenscrib ed -   Nov .    3, 1954)


                CAST : JACK FMTTINY
                               LMNOSTCNB
                        RD T11t
                               9 DAY
                        DC WIL90N
                             Y
                        JI0 MSC BAIRD
                             S SIN07E1C7N
                             ISE BP.GBY
                             ELANC
                        VERNA FE7AUN
                        UJIS CORSETT
                        gyrq me*mnnunv
                        STEVE WCOTON
                        0 IA WOOD
                            TS'9SN      QUARTET




BB




                                                  fiTXO9 0020453
               $




    TAg AMfiRICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
    "THE JACIC HENNY PROGRAM"                                                                        .
    FESxuwtY 13 1955
    OPENING COMMERCIAL
    WILSON : THE JACK BENRY PROORAM . . . transcribed end presented by

               LUCKY STRIKE . . .The cigarette that's toasted tA taste
               betterl
    (TRANSCRISID)                      -
    FULL ORCH : If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette


               Lucky Strike is the brand to get! IT'S 70ASTID to give you the best taste yet

               It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a+rettel

                     y take      fine     tobacco it's li t t obacc o                          I    t's mild
               tobacc3             0

               Then IT'S TOAS                    ye9 . IT'S TOASTED
               because the toasting bstagg-ttr flavor right .through .

               So to get be                    taste from your                   -a-rette
               Luc                e is the brand to geti

                        TOASTID to give you the best taste yet,
               It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rettel
    WILSON :   Friends this is D o n                Wilson       .,, there's no                doubt      aboutil
                        (SLOWLY,        WITH PMPHASIS) If you                    want     better taste
               from your cigarette - Lucky Strike is the brand to get .

               It's toasted to taste better .

               Naturally Luckies' better taste begins just where you'd

               expect it to begin . With fine totacco . 18/HFT - Lucky

               Strike means fine tobacco . And then -- that'tobacea is

               toasted . "IT'S TOASTED" -- the famous Lucky`.Strike

               process -- tones up Lvekies naturally good-teisting
\
               tobacco to make it taste better .

    JG               (MORE)                                                ~               ~




                                                                                  arxo          1        oo o 5     2   4   4
    THE AMERICAN TOBACCO                                  COMPANY          -B-
    "THE JACK BEM7Y PROGRAM"
    FEBRUARY 13  1955
    OPENING COMMERCIAL CONTD .

    WIiSON : Cleaner, Fresher . Smther . So next time . . . get better
                 taste . Get Lucky Strike .


I   Q   TRANSCRIBID
           RIS WITH
            ORCH .
                          ant better taste

                Luokv Stri

                      5 TOASTID to give you
                                              1111
                                          . . . CLAP, CLAP
                                                    staI'heostd(CLAP
                 cig-a-rettet




        JG




                                                                Rrx 01 002 0 4 55
(FIRST ROUtINg)                                                               -1-

(AFl'RR COMl   ER   CIAL, ldLBIC CP     AND   D(IJN)

DON : THE LUCRY STRIBR..PROGRAM, STARRIN.^i JACIi~
          LIVINOSTONg,RCCBgST€Ni DENNIS DAY, BOB CR

          TRCLY'bON WIIHON .
(APPLAISS . .M63IC UP AND DOWN)

DON : LADIBS AND GENfIEPffiN . . .JACK B&NNY'S BIRTHDAY IS
          FffiRUARY 14TH,        AND   WHENE'VER   ONE   OF JACK'S $ gjTflOAYS      ROLLS


          ARODtm, IT IS QGPPE AN EVENP . .LAST YEAR 1T WAS MORE t~
      . MBMORAB7S "MMW BECALSE EVENYSODY WAS bAjCING

          PRRPARATIONS ANID . .WEL,Ty IS'P'S 00 BACK TO LAST YEAR AND

          LOOK IN ON SOFS OF THGM .
                     (SOUND : GAVEL RAPS ON WOOD THREE TIFSS)
BARRY : The regular weekly m0eting of the Beverly Hl;lla                     Beavers




          will now come to order .                                      .

                     (SOUND :   TH 2Eg GAVEL RAPS)

HARRY : The motion before the club is, "Resolved : The .Beevers will

          give Mr . Jack Benny a surprise birthday party and for this

          purpose will withdraw our entire treasury of one dollar

         . and forty-three cents ."

ST'SVE : I second the motion, Stevie .                                  .

HARRY : Thank you, Joey, but call ne Mr . President, po familiarity

           during meetings . . .Arq questions? . . .What is,2t, Cliff?

JIMMY : Well, I'm a new member of the Beavers, and I'd like to know

           who Jack Benny is .

HARRY : Are you kidding . . .don't you Imow who Jack Benny is?

JItR4Y : No, who is he? -                                               .
 STEYEi Who is Jack Benny? He's only the greatest fullbeck that

           Yale ever had .


BR




                                                              Hrx 0 1       002   0456
                                                                                       ..
                                                                            ' . -2- . .-


JIMMY :    Gee .
            xean . .and he quit    football         becsuse he   Was   efPaid of
            hurting his haMs and that vould stop him from pleying the
            violin .

STBVE :     That's right, C1iff . . .A r . Benny's one of the .world's

            greatest    violinists .


JIMMY :    Well, if he's the world's               greatest   violinist, how come I

            never heard of him

       : That's because        he's.HARY   so modest . he goes    under the        name of

            Jesoha Heifitz .               .

JIIMSY : sounds like quite a guy .
STEV&t He sure is, . .Why EeTcB=ttie=fiitebell'inLrorms we're
           yeeriing.. .Mr .Benny loened us the money-Vb
                                      that is reasor.
            Yeah, and my fether 9eysper cent four ~

JTMMY : . Well, since Mr . Benny's such a nice men, I vote that ve
            give him the birthday pert

                   (SCi7PID : GAV'L Fti+N TIMES)
H/fRRP :    Thet makes it unsnimous . . .Now, any other que9ti

JIMMY :            Mr . President . .,are we gonna invit                    Ss to the

            perty4\

HARRY :     Cliff, since          're a new               r, I will read you part of

            our by laws .

                    (SCUND :                   0    ES)
HARRY :     By laws of         Beverly Hills               yers . . .Chapter Twelve,

            Rule       Rht, Cleuse D, . .If any Beave   e ever seen with a
                                                        ~
                   er of the opposite sex . . .(this means    ls) . . .be .vill
            be fined seven cents, barred from holding .offic                                this

            club, end vill                                                   .Q
                                               . -ellovad-Lo-heve-ousY.edy~ t~
           --mas ot, '$1]nkv" . our white mouse .                       . .




                                                                Arx    01     002045?
                             But I though"glbnky" i d last month .

                             We're still keeping him\                            .~
                             Nw let's make out our invi~e t .aZllst . . .We'11                   Invite   all

                              of Mr . Benny's frienQss" ~

JIMMY :                      Say, by the way,-hw old is Mr . Benny?

HARBY : Today he!s"thirty-nine . . .and                                     that proves   hw smaqt he is .

JP4GY : 1ft}y?"~                        .
                             Well, he was in my uncle's class in school end my uncle'

                              fifty-five .
gTEVg a                      - #WWW&4- .t -'s all .go over to Miss Livingetone's house

                              end    she'll   give us a list of Mr . Benny's f r lends .

I1BftRY : All those in favor sby, "Aye" .

ALL &IDS : "AYE"
                                      ( SOSfiID : GAYliL .   . .   INTO )

(TRANST ION MOSIC) MARY
                          : Pauline, have you stra~tened out the living room?

DORIS : Yes, Miss Livingstone . *von't Mr . Benny be surprised when

 - he finds that you're giving him a birthday party?

MARY : He sure w111 . . .Te11 me, Pauline, hov does my nex dress
                              look?

DORIS : Oh, it's lovely me' .em . . .Only, if I had nicq legs like
                              yours, I wouldn't hide them with such a long skirt . . .

                              (GIGGIES) Men like pretty lega, you knw

                          : Yeeh . . .(LAUGBS) And to think that for four Veers I hid
                                                                        .MARY
                              mine behind a counter at the Ray Com ap ny . .,But I'm not
                                                                               .
                                                                .B+ob-Ka--nd~-•D on are married, Ij
                              trying to be glamorous tonightl~~~~
                              Dennis is too young for me, and Mr . Benny is too old for

                              me .

 BR




                                                                                   AiYS 0 9 ,,   0   020458     1
                                                                    -4-

DCR23 :r^I'm surprised to hsar you .say that anyone .ietoo young
          or too old for you .

MARY :   Why?
MII2I5 : Anything between the Boy Scouts and The Townsend Club is
          okay with ma .

MARY : Why Pauline . . .I didn't knov you liked men 80 much .
DORIS : Oh, I Qo,, Ma'em . . .Why, I like them so much that I . . .Well . . .
          well .,you'd think me silly if I told you vhet my fevorite
          dream has been for years .
MARY : No, I won't . . .tell m0, what is your favorite dream?

DORIS : That I'm a Dixie Cup in the New York Giants' Locker Room .

MARY : (IALGHS) Well, come on, Pauline . . .there's work to do .

DORIS : Yes Me'am . . .Say, vould you please tell me one thing, Miss

          Livingstone . . .Don't you ever go out with Mr . Benny . . .just

          the two of you slone4

MARY : Cccasionally . . .I remember one very warm night last aummer
          when Jack drove me up to the top of Mulhollend Drive .

DORIS ; Gee . . .how'd you make out?

MARY : rine, I sold more Good Humors then he did . .,Nov Pauline,
           you set the table , end       I'll    'A~v

                (SGUfID : PHGNE RING9 . . .RcCEIVER UP)

 DORIS : Miss Livingstone's residence . . .Just one moment, please . . .
           Miss Livingstone, it's the baker, he wishes to talk to you .

 MARY : Gh good . . .Hello? . .Yes, .I want the cake delivered as early
           as possible . . .How many candles?, . .Thirty-nine . . .That's
           right, thirty-nine candles, and arrange them in the shape

           of a question mark .,lBwvye
                        : RECEIVBR DQv7N) .(SCUPID

 BR




                                                        prx   01   0020   4   59
 DORIS :     Say, Miss Livingstone, hov old is Mr . Benny                            really?


 MARY :       Oh,   I'm   sorry,    I can't tell you . . .You eee, Mr . Benny end I

              heve an egreement that           saves    us both a lot o£ emberresement,
 DCIRIS : An        agreement?                                                   .

. MARY : Yes,,,I never tell anyone his                     age        end he never      tells


              anyone my selerv .

 DORIS : But Miss Livingstone . . . .if Mr . Benny                       pays   ydu    so little,


              hov can you        afford   this nice apertment and gll your nice

           . clothes       and   everything?

 MARY :       My mother vrites for          Jackie     Gleesc
              have   you    arranged      the plece    c


                       I em .




              calling .

 DCBISi,C4,Miss Livingstone, vhatt are you going to do about music?

 MARY : Well, I've been trying to reach Charlie Begby the piano

              playerso he~'d~bring the boys in the bend over . . .I've tried
                         a        ~~~
              to get {~i2m three tiiGes .,+y~onder vhere he is .

  (TRANSITION       MISIC)
                      (SOUND :    CLICKING    OF POOL      B4LS)AGY
           : Four ball in the siAe pocket . . .vatch it, Msl .


 BR




                                                                       Rrx01 +po2aaso
qq



                                                                           -6-

     MEL : (SISGHT MOOLLY) Okay, Charlie .
                        (SOUND : CLiCK AS BALL SINKS)

     MEL :     9    tbarlle, how l a about coming over to ad place for a
                                     ~n  ~1
               poker game tonight~'~--~1" l"

     BAGffi : 0 ee,     I'd       love to, Mel, but I can ' t, ten ball in the corner .

                        (SOUND :       CLICK AS BALL SINK3)

     MEL :IY.:EI,YR~7 can't ya come, Charlie?
      .GBY : `.iell, it ' s Jack Benny ' s
     B0                                               birthday today,       and me an3 the

               reat of the boys in the                band     are throvinghim a surprise

               party, seven ball in the si3e .

                        (SOUND :          CLICK AS BALL 5II'LfS)

     MEL : 1 I4i4 how.        old    1s    Benny,   anyway?

     &+GBYxyac jI can ' t tell you that .
     MEL : But do you know how old he reall, is?
     BAGBY : Yeah, but I can ' t tell you,                    sixty-two   ball in the corner .

     MEL :     What?          .
               (~Iypean combination shot off the six an3 two ball .

                        (SOl1CII7 : DOI7BLE CLICK AS 7:+0 3ALL4 SINK)

     MEL : ~'here are you musicians gonr.a have the party?
             ~r

     BAGBii : Over at my house . . .I ha3 a pool put in                    last     month,   and


                I,just     filled         it . . .everybo3y    will have   flzn .

     MEL : Hey, ain ' t it pretty
                                y                   cold   weather for swimming?

     BAGBY : Yeah, but once                you dive       1n, you won ' t notice it .

     1dEL : Oh, Is the pool                 heated?


     H4GBY : 210,       it's filled         with    Old    Crow .

     MEL : i$sR? )J.--k '.
     BAGBY : Thirteen ball cross corner .
                         (SOUND : CLICK AND SINKLHG OP BkLL)




                                                                       AT 8 0 1      0020461
11
                                                                                          -7-

     BACBY : You know, yesterday Frankie, the guitar player, sl
                int the pool and almost drowned .

     MEL : Did you lly save him?
     BACBY : Yeah, but we b e his arm running jrYm through the
                wringer, seven ball, twice ecrosa-,~

                        (SOUND :   CLICK       AS           i
                                                    BAEiLS~SI NiC)

     MEL :     Say,     Cherlie . . .I've been r+adt pig to                    ask   you .something
                                                                                       u
                                                i
     BAGBY :    What is it, Mel?           .

     MEL : Well, I hate to bring it up, but I'va,been out of work ;
                a long time, and I thought maybe you cou3Q give me e job .

     BACBY : MeybeIcan, what do you do?

     MEL : k~m a glass blower .
     BA(3fY~ Sorry, we've got all the                             musicians   we need .

                         (80UND : CLICK

     BAGBY : Well, that finishes the game, I beet you twenty-five to
                four .

     MEL :      Yeeh . . .You know, Cherlie . . .you're lucky ., .heving a steady
                 job with Benny all these years, end shooting pool like e

                chemp .
     BAGBY : Yep, you owe me two bucks . •

      MEL :      Okay,    here you are . . .But don't you feel ashamed of                        yourself


                 . . .taking money from a guy who's on unemployment relief?

     BAGBY : No, you make more than I do
           :     Oh .                                               .MEL
      BAGBY ; Well, I better start calling soma people and inviting them
                 to the party me and the musicians are giving . . .I think I'll

                 call Dennis Day first

                                                    .(TRANSICM)

      BR




                                                                              RT}501, ,0020462
I ENNIS : Gee, Mother, why do you went to leave the house                              just


            because I ' m giving a                     surprise   party for Mr . Senny?

            That's not the only reason . . .I've got to                       drive   to Aiversid

                                    ight .
1ENIPIS :But ca 't you drive there some other tim~e?

VERNA : What, and sp2•i7\D my truckload of /ora~gee? . . .At~yway, I can't
             understand whv vou~heve to xi-vg a nartv fortdr . Benny .

LENNIS : Because he's a ve
VERNA :      Oh, fine . . t did he ever do r you?                              .

I%3NNIS : Sd he ever do for me? . . .Well, e ha . : .I remember
                                   hen . . .And not only that . . . And then there the time
             he Yeah why am I Riv him e Dertv?

VERNA : S .~I think you're wasting your money on that mean old men .

I&NNIS :JI{sMVo .tber,t ~hat isn't fair . . .Mr . Benny has been .like a father-

             to me . :,104y lest week he gave me advice on how to be

             popular with the girls .
VERNA :      Oh, he did, eh?

DENNIS : Yeah . . .he took me aside and said, "Dennis, mw boy, you're

             missing a lot . . .you ought to get a girl, and on some

             moonlight night drive her over to Lover's Lane end put your

             er-is around her . . .pull her up close to you . . .put your
             facelosthrand-VERNA

          : (SiIGHI' PAUSE)                       . . . .Yee, then whet did Mr . Benny tell you?

IF3NNIS : When he got to that part, he                            fainted .


VERNA : We_l look, Dennis . .let me give you some advice on that .
ffiNNIS : Yes, mother .




BR




                                                                          arxo 1 00 2 0463
                                                                               .
                                                                   -9-



VERNA :     Son, as you go through life,       you'll    meet many girls . . .end
             some day,    you'll    meet the one girl   you'll   waht to    spend   the
            rest of yourlife with . . .ani it xill probably be when you
             least expect it .
IENNIS : Gee . Say Mom, how did you firat meet fether?
VERNA : We were matched together in the Golden Glovea . .(DREAMILY)

                                                  . .Well, Dennis, I've gotta

            be running along now . . .I hope your party turita out nice,

1ENNI3 : Thank ou M

 s t` . By the wey . . .how old is Mr . Benny today?
W W


ffiNNIS : irty-nine .

OSFUC4 : Thirty-n indeed . .Hhy he wes                  of tYe   first   people to
            ever be on a c                reaio prog ram .
DENNIS : Well, what s thatprove .
VERNA : Hi ponsor was the Cairo Pyramid                 ~m any . . .Well,   so long,
            son .
  NNIS : Goodbye, Mother . . .lots of luck vith your oraltges \

                         (SOUND :   DOqi                9LAM)                   '
75ENNI5 : Well, I~ got everything set for the party . . .Now I better
            see if I have everybody's phone number . (STARTS HiR4MIPG                 ,
            HIS SCV~1G)~ e 1 1
(INPOSOIIi) " / i~ tke-~Jl~~
(APPL9TbE ~Vl)




                                                          ATS{O1_ 002046 4
                                                                                 -10-
(SECOND   ROUTINE)        p

DENNIS : We11,1I've got everybody's phone number but Don Wilson's .

             I want to call him and his wife

                                                          .(TBANSIOMUC)

DON : Oh, darling .

IAIS : What Ss it, Pudgie?
DON : I want*Pto tell you, the table looks

             beautiful .
LOIS : '~, Thanksj~qfi; deer, but if this i^a ura prisei.party for Jack
             Benny, I think you better start calling your guests .

DON : t~y i will as soon as I finish wrapping this present for Jack .

LOIS : Well, I hope you're giving him an appropriate gift . . .

             Whst's in that package, darling?

DON : See Sf you can guess .
iAIS :     A   watch?


DON :     Pio .   . . .   i'll give you a hint . . . .They're rou and firm and

             fully        nacked, so free and easy on the                   draw .              .

LOIS :       On the what?

DON :      D:ew . . .now what is it?

IL1IS : '~ A box of crayolas .

DON : - J~-c,No no, Pet . . . . Now listen again, sweetheart ., .Take last

             night after dinner . . . .I went into the living room . . . .sat
             down in my easy chair . . .struok a mstch . . .now what did I
             light?

LOIS :       My mother's picture .
DON : Yes, end                while   it was   burning,   what did I             light   with

              that?

LOIS :       Oh   darling,       don't keep me in suspense . . . .What did you

             buy Jack for his birthday?
DN




                                                                          Rrx 01     0020   46 5
                                                                 n     -,                -11-
     /,~~,                                                                    ,
DON : l~~But ,@g;;;;j ,               it's   soobvious .^Look at the * letters on

              the box .     . . ..You     should   be     able to figure               out vhat it          is . . . .


              LSMFT .

IDIS : L S M F T . . . .Oh, I knox                   . . . .   A long silk           muffler        from Tubby .

mN :    W   e ) NO no .^dt a carton af-LuckyStrikes . . .a :d L S M F T
              stands       for      lucky    Strike means fine tobacco .

IAIS~•Oh .        . . .   Well, everyboQy          knows        that

     : Then          why did          you ke.me tell              you? .DON
IAIS : I love the                   way   yourAf face lighte up vhen',qou                            say    it .

LON :         (LAUCdIS ) w.,Now comepn, dear, .,let ' s go                             through       this    list


              and see if I forgot anyone .                                          ,

(IIWNSITION MUSIC)                                                                            .
JACK ; IDm .* G Cine thing . . :Rere it is my birth3ayyR I'm all

              alone, .,nobo3y even thinks of ine,,,nobo3y c9rea . . .No

              cards, . .Not even a phone call .

                     (SOUND : KNOCK ON DDOR)
JACK : Wtto        is it?                                                                             -
ROCH : IT' S ME, &1SS .

JACK : Rochester, I don't swant to talk to anyone . .,Leave me
              alone \)

                .MGL
     :' ILeave me alone, leave me alone . . .(S3UAWK & WNISTIE)
JACK : Quiet, Po11y, . :Wnen T                     want        your help, I I 11              ask   for it .
ROCN : EOSS, YOU HAVRN ' T                   EATEN       ALL I]AY . . .DO YOU WANT MG                 TO    GST
              YOU SOMG --
JACK :       I   don't      want anvthina .         . . .   Just leave me al,y 110 ,
ROCN : OKAY, OKAY

                                 . (SOUND : FUOTSTEPS)


BB




                                                                                  fl T 3501       0020466                .   I
                                                                                            -12-
 ROCH :               I WONDER WHAT'5 WRONO WITH HIM . HE'3 KEPT HIMSFIF 1ACK6D

                      UP IN THE IEN ALL , TIME BR BROOIStD
                      WAS WHEN HIS GIRL'                                        SCOBROKE THEIR

                      ENGAG asie„m      ;           ®   SHE SENT BACK THE RINQ AKA .H8 WAS HAPPY

                          IN . . . .I WONDER WHAT'S AILING HIM THIS T                          :MAYBE H6

                      BET ON A HORSE . .,NO, IF MR . BBNNY                BET    0N A'}K)RSE AND TiNT

                      HORSE LOST .           . . . BET  1 HEAT IT TO   DEATH   WITH HIS BARB HANDS .

                              (SOUND :FOTBEPS)RCH

          :    . Af JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT'3 THE MAT'TER WITH HIM,

                              (SOUND : DOOR OPUS)                                       .
 JACK : Rochester, if you don't mind,                                  I'll    have   my dinner    served

                      in bed .
 ROCH : WHAT'8 THE 14ATPER, BOSS, DON'T YOU FEEL GOOD? YOU'VE
                      BHET] BROODING ALL II4Y

          :       (S.ADLY) I haven't been brocding . *V I vant to lock
                                       .JACK
                      myself in the den, St's my own buslness .

 ROCH : WAIT A MINUTE, BOSS .
 JACK :               Hub?                                                                         .
 ROCH• (3Y}&E1'LY) HAVE YOU BEEN CRYING?

 JACK ?wk,        I
                      WhaK.t•~makes you think I've been crying?
                   .INBOW IN YOUR LITTLE BLUE EYES .
 30CH : THBRE'S A R0

 JACK : THERB IS? . . .I mean, who cares? A lot you .or anybody else
                      worries about me, apyaay .

  ROCH : YOU'RE WRONG, MR, BENNY, I WORRY ABOUT YOU
              : Oh, you do, eh? . .Well, Rochester, what day .JACK is this?
  RCCH : SATURLIAY
              : Uh huh . . .JACK . .Saturday, February what?

     ROCH :~. ~~ THE FOURTEENTH .
     JACK : LT-i,Doean't that mean anything to you?
DH




                                                                              AT 9 0 1      002046?
                                                                                    -13-
ROCH : SATURDAY, FEBRUARY-FOURTRIIiTH . . . . OH MY GOOpNgSS, I FOFGOT

           TO PUT THE GAINi4GE PUT .
JACK : It's not that . come back herel . . . . Now let's not talk any

            more about it . You go in and clean the den . II m going

            in the kitchen and have a sandwich and a glass of garbage .
            . . .I mean milk .
ROCH :   OKAY .

                   (SOUND : FOGTSTEPS .              . . .   DOOR   OPENS)


ROCH : WEIS., IT NON t T TAKB IfJNG                 TO       STRAIGHTEN UP .'J'HE TEN . . .I' LL
           45M    PUT THHSE BOOKS AWAY ON                     THE SHELVES .


MEL : (SQUAWK & 47HISTIE) Hello hello .
ROCH : Y7~`T;.,, HELiA, POLLY ..                                -                   ~
MEL : Here I am all alone . .nobody cares

ROCH :    H GH                                                         L/,I?
MEL :    Nob :dy cares, nobody cares . (SQUAWKS)

ROCH : WfLA :! ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
MEL ; ToZey's my birthday, today's my birthday . :(SQUAWK &

            M'fC                        STIE                    )              ,.

ROCH : OH NY GOOIAJFSS . .HOlO CAN I BE SO STUPID . .I BETTER GO OUT
            IN THE KITCHgN AND FIX T'.SINGS UP RIGHT AWAY .
                   (SOUND : FAST FOOTSTEPS . .U00R OPENS)
HOCH : EXCb5E ME, BOSS . .$%CUSE ME
                                                    .
                                    : DRAWER .S OPr'T.(SOUNDIING . .DISHES MGVING)

JACK : )ioch@ster .
                  .ROCH
     : 4kA- MINUTE, BOSS .
                   (SOUND :DISHE)JACK

     : Rocoester, what are you doing?


BB




                                                                    AiX 0 9 00204 6 8              I
                                                                         -ia-
ROCH : I'M PIIPTING A CANDIlS ON A CRACKER, IT'S POLLY'S BIRTHMY .
JACK : Oh, it is, eh? Wel1 . I'm alad to hear it ., .I'm going

            to my room
                                . (BOUND : FOOTSTEPS . . .IJAUD DOOR SIAM)

ROCH :    . GOSH, I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT'S BOTHERIN(} T1H' : BOSS . .
            HE'S USUALLY SO CHgERFUi. AND --

                        (90UND : PHONE RINGS . .RECEIVBR UP) .

HOCH : HBLLO . .MR . BENNY'S               RESIDENCE .


MARY : Rochester, this is Miss Livingstone .
ROCH : OH H6LIA, MISS LIVINGSTONE . .YOU'LL IB:VER GUESS WHOSE
            BIRTHDAY IT IS 10IkY .

MARY : I know,                Rochester, and     that's why I called . I want to

            give a surprise party .                                              .

ROCH : A PARTY?
MARY :    Yes . .do you think you can get him out of the house?

ROOH : HIM?                                                                                  .
MARY : Certainly .                                                           .

ROCH : WELL, HE SURE FOOIED ME, HE LAID AN ECG THIS MORNING .

MARY : Rochester, what are you talking about?
 ROCH :   TfE: PARROT .

 MARY. : PARROT? It isn't the parrot's birthday, it's Mr . Benny's
             birthday .

 ROCH : 000000000000H . SO THAT'S WHY HE'S BEEN FEELING                                BAD   ALL

             L14Y .   . . .   HE THOUGHPEVERYBODY        FORGOT   ABOUT HIM .

 MARY : Oh no! When I called the gang, I found out that
             everybody           was going to give him a party . .so we              all


             decided to come over to Mr . Benny's                  house and         surprise

             him .

 BB




                                                                  Rrxo 1 oo 2 o4 69
                                                                                        -15-
     ROCH : UGIdy HiING SOMC FUOD l2'II{ YOU, THE TIMC IAOK DOIiSN'T
- OPBN THE ICE BOR TILL SIX IN THC MORNING .-

     MARY : Don't          worry,         we have Yoo3 . . .you        just      get Mr .       Benny   out
                 of the house for a                    little   while . . :an8    don't     let him
                 suspect anything .

 ~, ROCH :. ~-R OKAY, MCSS ISViNGS'ibNE, AND LEAVE IT TO MC, I'I&~~

       ~n-Wc CIEVPI2 AEOUT IT .                                                             .

     (RBANSITIONtAOSIC)
                   " (SOUPID : POOTSTEPS)
     JACK : Gee, I feel a lot better taking this little wa1k . . .But

                 I can't un3erstan3 Roohester throwing my hatan3 coat

                 out . .1M when I went out to get them, he slamYued the

                 3oor . . .Gee, I've been walking for about forty minutes

                 now .IM I'm kin3a tired .

                 ~ ~(SOUND :FOTSEP)JACK

             : ,f think I'll walk across the street and get on a bus
                 for home       . .. .    i tCYne blrth3ay I'm------- Gee, look at                      this

                 theatre mar q uee . :"Nos playing . .The Horn Blow9 .at                           Midnight"


                 .-. : . .I e ess they're revlvin S it again on account of the
                 Academy       Awar3s              .I think I'll go to
                                            . .. . .                              see    it again .
                          (SOUND : bUOTSTEPS)
     JAC        IPar3on me, Mlss, I see you're                       showing      "The
                                 _        _-
                 M13ni
     BEA :       That's right . ~,
     JACK : How's busin
     BEA : Loo ster, if this is a                               hold-up,   you're wasting your
                 time, we haven't sold a ticket all week .'-


     BB
                                                                                                               I




                                                                                 P   rxo 1 oo 2 o 47 o
J
                                                                  ~-16-
              This isn t t a ho13-up .an3   give   me       the


    BGA : Here's a ticket~knife .
    JACK : A knife?

    BEA : 11 have to cut 9our way through the-btush,

         K : Never min3 . .just   give   me the ticket so I can    96


    (TRANSITION MCSIC)




    BB




                                                       HT901, 002047q
                                                                                                     -17-

   D&NNIS : • Rochester, ve've been here four hours nov . .if Mr . Benny
                 onlywetufravlk,hyIen'tback?ROCH

         : I DON'T KNOW, MR . DAY .
         . a, can't wait any longer . . .Bring on the o                                                      . .

   DBNNI3 : ah, let's eat .

   DON : Hey va a minute, kide . .Since this Ss Jec ~blrth9ay
                           party, I pro e thet we all give g-sst, l

   )II1RIS :               All                        of us?                                          .

     N:        Yes . .we'll each teke,e'linGo ahead, Rochester, you start
                                      it .

   ROCH : OKAY . . . . OUR BOSS, 14i . BENNY,

   DENNIS : T TOAST WE DO MF1~

'- ROCH : WHILE WE STAIm HNF3 T.ALKLNG

   ID IS : DON'S BATING THE C :SE .
   MARY : Well, I've waited 3ong enough, I've got to gohome .
   DON : Me, too .
  ~iOCH : I WO WHAT HAP=>i~ TO THE BOSS .
  ll~, ..,...s ~ ~~(,z
    (TRANSN'qtpSI MEL PfIO
         : I 1914g your pardon,                                        Mister .


    JACK : Huh?

    MEL : ITm the manager of this theatre . .We've shown you The Horn

                                                   Blows at Midnight three times . . . .Now v111 yoq please go

                                                   home so we can close up?

    JACK : Okay, okay . . .By the way, Mister, the girl at .the box office
                                                   told me that~yp~sven't sold a ticket all veek .

    MEL : That's quite

    JACK : Well, if that's true,                                          how     come there's someone      sitting In


                                                   almost every seat !n this theatre?


    BB



                                                                                             19   rxo ., .ooz
                                                                                                      I            047`2
 MEL : We •rentlt out as a storage room to a mortuary .

 JACK : A mortuary? . . .You wean all the people in those seats are---
                That's amazing .

 MEL : I'll say it's amazing . . .Yesterday right in the middle of
                the picy~ure three of them got up and valked out .

 JACK : Gee, Iwondered vhy the guy at the door didn't tear my
                ticket . . . . Well, I better go on home

                                                            .(TRANSIOMUC)
                       (SOUND :    F90TSTEPS)

F7Z~-           Gee, all the lights are out in the house . .Rochester must

                   asleep . . .Now let's see . .vhere's my key?

                       (S     •    JINGLS           OF   KEYS)                     /     Y

  JACK : Here's the key to            .__- afaty-deposit box . . .Here's the key

                to my car . .keyto my garage . . .key to my vault .
                                                        \
                     "(SOUND :     BIG     =   AL PAR DROP SY-~_
  JAC    --~'   Whoops, I dropped it . . .Ah . .here's the key the front
/        door .
                                   M IN IDCK . .DOOR      OPENS              &    nn 1

    JACK :   91Y.Acoming home to a ~cold, dark house . .What .a birthday
                this vas . .(YAWNS) ~p Eine loyal gang I've got . .IAAW got a
             - good notion to fire every one of them . .If I had any talent,
                I vould . . . (YAWNS) Gee, I'm tlred . .We1l, I might as vell

                go to bed .

                       (SOUND :    PHONE   RINGS)

    JACK : Nov vho can that be at this time of night?

                       (SOUND ; FOOTSTTiPS . .RECFIVFR UP)



    BB




                                                                            ar   901     0   0 0
                                                                                              2    47   3
                                                                                                               -19-

JACK : Hello
          :Helo,sthiJackBeny?AOK                .GLORTA
     . ~}~ JY!(ea .                                                           .

CLOgiA ;" ~Ttiia is Western                                               Union .     We have a singing tel_Bgram for you
. from your sister in                                                             Chicago .


JACK : Oh, a singing telegram from my sister, eh1 Wall, that's

                                   cute, .go ahead .

(PIANO               ARPEGIO)LTi
          : HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
                                   HAPPY BIIiTHDAY TO YOU

                                   HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK BSNNY (CADFd7ZA)
                                                                                                           .
QUART : HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU


                                   HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JACK BENHY
QUART &
GLORIA : HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU .
JACK : Well, thank you very much . .That was swell really .                                                     Cl,   -j


QUART :                            AHEIlIlllQi .
JACK : Look, I've gotta get eway nov .                                                                                      I



GLOBIA : HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU . QUART : HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
                                                                                              HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
        04-~j1p PPY g~tTp~pY .0. ~OU~ HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
                                 .
            - .-h, Y-~^""'
GIAffiA & HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU .
QUART : HAPPY BIRTHOAY, JACK BENNY

                                   HAPPY                  BIRTHDAY,       DEAR JACK

                                   HAPPY                  BIRTHCAY, - - TO YOU .
JACK : Well, that was awfully sweet of you, ~w ..~/

(ORCHESTRA INTO "WILLIA74 TIIY" c U J)


BB




                                                                                                    AT}SOt Q02047b
                                                                                                             -20-

QUART : &   WHAT   A HAP,     WHAT       A HAP, WHAT A HAPPY DAY                                         .
            WHAT A     HAP,   WHAT A HAP,                               WHAT   A HAPPY DAY

            WHAT A HAP,       WHAT       A HAP,                         WHAT   A   HAPPY   DAY
            WHAT A HAPPY LITTLE DAY IT IS .

            WHAT   A   HAP,   WHAT A           HAP, WHAT                       A HAPPY DAY
            WHAT   A HAP,     WHAT        A HAP, WHAT A HAPPY DAY

            WHAT   A BAP,     WHAT        A HAP, .l.7tAT A HAPPY DAY
            HAPPY B1RT}Q1AY, JACK BffiiNY .
(BIG   CHORD)                                                                              /~

JACK : Well, thank you . .thank you very much .l,t,,.J
QUART                                                                                &                       ~
GLOHLI : YOU'RE WELCOME, YES, YOU'RE                                           WELCOME


            VERY WEL.COME

                              . pAPw ByvT WAY TO YOL'

                                                        .(CODABYREST)

JACK : Well, I'll be darned .                                                               .

(APPIAUSE & PL4YOFF)




BB




                                                                                                Rrx0 1        002   04 ?5
THF PMFRICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
"THF JACK °FNNY PROGRAM"
FH2EaANY 13 1955
CLCSI1Ki COMMCRCIAL

WIISON :     J a ck wiLl be baok in                                          just             a minute, but first a

                word        to you                smokers                 who are looking for better
                taste in a cigarette .

F~ CH~IBA9 : If .you want better taste from your cig-a-rette,

VSRSICN Luc ~kv Strike is the brand to getl
                IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet .

                It's the toaat (C1.4P . . . CLAP, CIA?) c1g-a-rette .

                They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it'e

                miLd tobaoco, too .
                Then IT'S TOASTffi7, yes, IT'S                                                   TOASTED,



      . because the toasting brings the flavor right through .
                 So, to get better taste from your cig~-rette,


                 LucLr Strike 7s the bran3 to getl I^_'5 TOASTEO to give you the beat taste yet,

                 It's the toas d (CIA? . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rettel

WILSON : Friends, if you rea3 the comics, I guess you know

                 all about "Little Iodine ." The fellow who draws

                 "L+-ttle Iodine" is the femous cartoonist Jinmy

                 NEtlo . He's got another comic strip too, called "They'11 Do It Every TSme

                                                                                              ." Well, Jilmy Hatlo'a

                 ci;arette is Lucky Strike .                                                     Jimmy   says, "Yep,   I'll


                 do it every                         time            - light up a Lucky because they

                 taste better ."

                                                                                              (MORE)




                                                                                                   flTTM 01   00204?6         I
                                                          -D-
THg AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
TFQ'. JACK BENNY FROGRAM
F RUARy 13, 1955
CLOSING COtM¢[tCTAI. (CONf'D)
  M

WRSON : Friends, many millions of people smoke LuokSes because
(CONf'D)
            they've found that Luckies taste better too . A Lucky

            tastes better because "It!a Toasted to Taste Better ."

            Of course, Luckies' .better taste be ns eith fine

            tobacco - fine, light, naturally mild tobacDo . And

            then, that fine tobacco is toasted . "IT'S TOASTBd' -

            the famous Lucky Strike process - brings Lqcklss'

            naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco to its peak of

            flavor - tones it up to make it taste even better .

            Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Yes, that's vhy Jimmv

            Hatlo arrJd millions of other smokers'11 do St every

            tLne ----- light up a-Lucky . Why don't you light

            up a Lucky too? Remember : "It's Toasted to Taste

            Better ."




TB




                                                RiX01 . 0020477
                                                                                                                            -21- -
(TAG)
                                                (SOUND :           AL9RM                  CLOCK)                     -        ~,

JACK : (YAWNS) Gee, it's nine A .M . . . . . Sunday morning .^I hope I
                                     have a good shov this .afternoon .

                                                (SOUfIIJ : DOOR OPENS)

JACK : Good morning ; Rochester
                          : GOOD MORNING, BOS4 . .F&CLING A LITTLE MORE CHMRPUL TODAY?
                                                     .ROCH

JACK : Yes, I feol £ine
                                             .ROCH
                          : YOU SHOUiD HAVE COME                           BACK      E_4RLIPR       LAST     NIGHf .

JACK : . Why?                                                                                                           .

ROCH : TH6 WiDLE GANG CAMg OVER TO GIVE A SURPRISE PARTY AND
                                     CEIE6RATE YOUR BIRTHDAY .

JACK : What? A surprise                                               party       for    me?                       ary1L.,.J.
                                                                                                  My vhole gan g`VAM

                                     Don . .and Dennis . . . .Gee, they didn't forget me .

ROCH : W1Y B09S, THAT RAINBOW'S COMING BACK IN YOUR I.ITPLE BLUE
                                     EYES .

JACK : (CRYING) Well, I can't help it, I'm so happy . . .Goodnlght,
                                      folks .

 (AP LAUSE & MUSIC) DON


                          : The Jack Benny program Ss eritten by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefaberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon,

                                      Hal Goldman and produced and transcribed by $illlard Marks .

                                      The Jack Benny Prog~mn was br gh o you by S,uo kI a

                                      product of the Ameri arr-Teba~ o Compeny --
                                      1e manufacturerof cigarettes .



 BB




                                                                                                          flrx     01        0   020   4?   e
IIFRBHiT TAREYTON
NR 302F
                                                               - -
                                                                22




          Filter smokers : Here's thetrae tobacco taste you've

          been looking for . Filter Tip TANEYTON gives you all the

          full, rich flavor of TAREYTON'3 famous quality tobacco . . .

          and real filtration, tool Filter T]» TAN$4TON

          incorporates Activated Charcoal, renocned for its

          unusual powers of selective filtration and used far and

          vide to purify the air we breathe, the xater and

          beverages ve drink . Look for the red, phite and blue

          stripes on the padkage . They identify Filter Tip

          T.4fN;Y7bN, the best in filtered smoking .



          The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by the
          Aaerican Tobacco Company . . . America's leading

          manufacturers of cigarettes .




DY




                                              fi i Y!O 1 .002 04 79
                                                   MIM, f2 2




                AMERICAN TOBACCO   COMPANY


                      1UCKY sTRL(E "~~ ~
                                                                  .,
                 TFE JAC& BENNY PROORA M
SIINIXY, FEBFOARY 20, 1955 CBS 4 :00 . - 4 :30 FM PST
                 (Transcribed - Feb . 22, 1953 )


                   CAST : Jack Benny
                            Mary ISvingstone
                            Rocheate r
                            Dennis Day
                            Bob Crosby
                            Don Wilson
                            Barry Shearer
                            Stuffy Singer
                            Beverly Nashburn
                            Frank Bank
                            Sandy 7annone
                            Patty lannone
                            Peter Votrian
                            Eric Nielson
                            Walter Wooten
                            Mel Blanc
                            Gloria Gordon
                            Sportsmen Quarte t




BB




                                             prxot 0 0 2 04 e 0
 THE ANf ER ICAN   TOBACCO   CCMPANY                            -A-
 TfIE JACK BSMiY PRCGRMf
 FEBRUARY 20, 1955  S ET      hfG
  CPENINC CCtMEACIkL


 WILSON :   THE     JACK BBTJNY PRCCRAM . . .tranecribed and         presented   by

             Lucky Strike -- the cigarette that's              toasted   to   taste


             better :
 (TRAN- "If you vant better taste fran your cig-a-rette,
  SCRffiED
COLLINS &   L.'ckv Strike is the brand to get :
FULL CALYPSo
VBCiSICN B+ IT'S TCASTED to give you the best taste yet,

s~ j 37 It's the toasted (CLHP . . .CLAP, CLAP)
              oi--a-rette .

             TYey take fine tobacco, it's ilzht tobacco,

              it's mild tobacco, too

              T'he *_ IT'S   TOASTED,   yes, IT'S   TOASTED,


              because the      toasting   brings the flavor

              ri_^t through .

              Sc, to get better taste from your cigarette,

              Luc'cy Strike is the brand to get :
              IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

              It's the toasted (CLAP . . .CLAP, CLAP)

              cit a-rette :"                                     .




                                                          arxo 1 ,oo2o 4 e 1
THE A!ffitICAN TOBACCO CCMPAWY                              -S-
THE JACK BENNY PRCGEtAM ~
F~      ~55         SET   #0
OPEt7INC C IAI . (CCNTIn)

WIISON : Thts is Don     Wilson,   friends . Thst version of the Lucky
         Strike song Dorothy,Collins fust sang may be different in
         tempo, but the story is          still   the aame . A Lucky      tastes


         better because . . .IT ' S   TOASTED     to taste better . You eee,
         better taste starts       with   fine, mild, good-testing tobacco .

         IS/YYT -- Iucky Strike means fine tobacco! And then,                    that



         tcoecco is toasted . IT ' S       TOASTED     is the   famous   Lucky

         Strike process that brings          luckies    fine tob¢cco to its
         peak of flavor . . .tones up this naturallygood-tasting

         tobacco   to   make it taste even better . . .Cleaper, fresher,

 , aeocther . So friends, remember                  that   next time youbuy

         c/ce.rettes-. And Be      Eappy    -- Go Lucky :




                                                        AiM0 .1-0020482
(FIASTROUTINE) (AFTER COIMMCIAL, tAGSIC UP AND IX)WN)
DON :         THE IUCKY STRA(E PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BF,NNY . .WITH NARY
              IS9Ifd:STONE, ROCHHSTER,                                 DENNIS   I14Y, BOB CR0$HY, AND "YOURS
              TRULY" DON      WILSON)


(APPIAUSE . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON :    IADIF.9 AND GF3JTLBDIEN, TONIGHT JACK BBiNY DOpB ANOTfffit

              TELEVISION SHOW . .BUT MEANWHILE IEPS TAKE YOU BACK TO

              YESTEROAY . .LL4T NIGHT THE MffiER4 CF THE RSVBRLY HILL4

              BEAVERS PUT ON A PLAY AT THE SCHOOL AUDITORIUN . Q+ COURSE,

              JACK BENNY, WHO HAPPENS TO BE THE TRE .M1SUR6R`OF THH CIAB,

              WAS PIANNING TO GO . . .WE NOW FIND ROCHEST•ERYRE3SING

              JACK-S T9KED0 .
ROCH : (SINGS)              PRESS        IT ONCE
              AND   PRESS    IT TWICE

              THEN PRFSS IT ONCE AGAIN,

              IT'S BEEN A LONG, LONG TIME .

              M II4 11A, DA L10

                                    .,IY+'A4 DA hA, DA L1A, DA Il4 .

              BALIADAA4I7hM                                        .                         .

              WELL, I GOT THE PANTS PRESSED . .NOW I BETTPRFINISH

              PRESSING TfM COAT . . .I WONDER WHERE MR . BENNY BOUGHT THIS

              TOREDO . . .IT SHCGID BE ON T'E IABEL . . . . YEAH, .TtERE IT IS . . .

              THE PEP BOYS .

JACK : (COMING IN) Oh, Rochester, have you Tinibhud pressing my

              clothes yet?                                                                   .

RCCH : YES, BOSS, BUT WHO 1JAS THE IAST ONE YOU RFHTBD THIS

              TUlCEDO TO?                                          .                         .

BB




                                                                                     ar 901 00 2 04 e 3
JACK s    Why?


ROCH : EVEHYTIME I LAY 1T1E COAT DOWN THE ARMS FOID .
JACK :    Oh stop .

ROCH : ANY4fAY, YOU'RS ONLY .GOING TO A SCHOOL PIAY :                                          WHY   DRFS.4
          FORMAL?                                                                      .

JACK ;    Well,   Rochester,       the               Beavers   aren't putting on just a

          play••They're gonna do their version of my radio
          progrem . You see, each one of the kids will portray a
          member of my cast .
ROCH :   OH .

JACK :   And     since I'm the Snspiration for                        their         shdv . .they may
          ask me to come up on stage and make a speeoh .                                            Gosh,       I'll
          never forget ten years ago vhen I made                                    that       speech at the
          Academy Awards .                                      .                               .           .
ROCH : BGS . ., I DIDN'T KNOW YOU                       WERE   ON   THE    SPFAKHL4LIST .
JACK : I wasn't, but I             just bad               to get up and teil ~em what I-
          thought of them . . .I ' m glad I did, too

                      ND   :   DOOR    2BUZFR)JACK                          .(SOD
     : I'11 get it, Rochester .

                  (SOUND : FOOT3TETS . .DOOR OPENS)

JACK ;    Oh,    hello,   Mary .                                                       ;
MARY :He1lo, Jack . .em I early?

                  (SOUND : DOOR CLOSE$)                                                    .
JACK : Well, we don't           have                 to be at the    school         auditorium for a
          hslf hour yet . .sit down, Mary .
MARY :    Thanks .




HB




                                                                          flTYS 0 . 1 , : 0020484
y                                              _3-

       ROCH : HERE - S YOfJR TUREDO,                               BOSS .


       JACK : Oh, help me on with the cost, Rochester . I want to see

                                  it it still fits . . .Thanks

                                                        .MARY
                           : Jack, if you vear that old tuxedo again, I'm not going

                                  out with you . It's so old fashioned now .

       JACK :Oldfashione?NARY
                           : Yes, look how long the coat is . (IA9GHS)

       JACK : What are you laughing at?

       MARY ;                     You look like the V111ain in "The                    Drunkard" .


       JACK :                     Only   when I wear the cape . . .Nov Mary                 --                       .

       MARY : Jack, I mean it . .I wouldn't be seen dead in that tuxedo .
       MARY :


       ROOH : OUR L4ST CUSTOtgR DIDN'T .fIND .
.   JACK : Now cut that out . . .I'm gonna wear this tuXedo and that

-   settles                              St . . .Nov Rochester, I won't be hame .until --

                                         (SOUND : PHONg RINGS)                                    .

        JACK : There's the phone . I'il get it .
                                         (SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . .RECFIVIDt t7P)

    . JACK : Hello .

       rvr .                      .u .   ov    1   -. .   an   w     .4-     ~w   vv   -1 .w     Jvw   wvoJ   u   ~


                                  I   wanted    to let you know I'm on               jury   duty .
        JACK : Jury duty? You ' re kidding .

        BOB :                     No, the      first      case comes up Wednesday and it may                  last


                                  for weeks

                            : But this is .JACK ridiculous .                You'll   mise my ahow . .Didn't
                                  you tell them you work for me?
        BOB : Yes, I did, Jack .

        JACK : Well, why didn't you tell them it would be a hardship

                                  if you had to lose the income from my show?

        BB




                                                                                       arx 01          00204      e5
y              l/y~~                                                               _q_
       BCB :(J<X{,I told them, Jack, but that didn ' t vork efther .

       JACK :          Why not?

       BOB :           Well, they pay more than you do .                -
       JACK : What?

       BOB ;           Three bucks a day
                 r                 .~
       JACK : "~Tbat temporary vortc is always high . . .ButBob, I,just

                       can't let you mise my show .
       BOB :           Well, there's really nothing you can do about it                       ,   Jack .

       JACK : Ch no, what               about my   cpntraot with you?

       BOB :           Well that's the oasewe' 're .trying           Wednesday .


       JACK : ~       4St   op joki n~g.,~~,B,~ob . I need you for the show,so I             wish


                       you - d try ~ make it .
       BOB :           Ckay . . .Say, by the way, Jack,      did     you get       that      record !
                     ~ made with the Sportsmen?

       JACK : Ch~ ,yBob . .i~s right here .
                              "
       BOB :           Well       pLay it, .2 think you mlght en j oy St .
       JACK : All right, I'll play it right now . .So long, Bob .

-   BOB : Goodbye .                                                            .

                                (SCUND : PRCNE DCWN)

       JACK :          Oh    Mary, Bob sent me a record that he made wlth the

                       Sportsmen      Quartet . . .iet's play it .
       MARY : Ckay . . .where is it?

       JACK : Right there by the phonograph . . .And play it loud, Mary,

                       so I can hear it Sn the other room while I'm getting
                       dressed .

       MARY :          Okay .




       BB




                                                                   Rrxo : 1        00    2   04   e   6
                                                                                                           I
                                                                                                                                             -5-
BOB :    THE    SUN IS         SHINING,             OH HAPPY                                   DAY


         NO MORE TROUX4, AND NO SKIES ARE GREY EVER SINCE YW SAID THOSE WORiH TO ME
                                                                                                                                     .

         YOU SAID YW LOVF9 ME, I KNOW IT'S TRG$ . . .

         MY LIFE'S COMPLEPE, DEAR, FOR NOW I HAVE-YW .
         OH HAPPY II4Y, OH IACKY ME .

QUART : THE MOON IS SHINING, OH HAPPY NIGHT

BOB : COME TO ME, IIARLING, MW HOIID ME SO TIGHT
          I NE® YOUR              LOVING,            RFAId

                                                                                          I
                                                                         .Y,ESIDOUAYTVED,MKNOW IT'SRUEMYLF

                         I   S COMPIEIB,              DEAR,                     FOR NOW I HAVE YOU

          0R HAPPY DAY, OH UICKY ME .

QUART : LIGHT UP A UJCKY,OH HAPPY DAY
          TARE ONE PUFF AND WE KNOW YW WILL SAY

          UJCEY STRIICE IS THE SMOIIE I ILIEE .

          SO ROUND AND FIRM :AN[) FULLY                                                       PACKED


          IT'S      BETTER        TASTING, THAT                                    15              A FACT

                                                       00           UJCKY IMY .                                           .OHAPYD,       .

BOB : A UJCKY'S CLPANER,-FRFSHER, TOO

          A LUCKY STRIKE IS .

                                             .A SMOOTHEt SMOKE, ITIS'TROE OH HAPPY DAY, HAPPY GO LUCKY 1YtY .


&UBOB : OH HAPPY DAY, HAPPY GO LUCKY DAY

                                                                                                             .(APIUSE)




 BB




                                                                                                                         Rr 901 . 00204 e 7        1
(4ECONA RO11fINB1
                                                                                                    -6-
JACK : Sey Mary, that was very good . . .and it wea thoughtful of

                            Bob to get the Sportsmen to do it with him .

MARY& ~Zt sure was . . . Say deck, don't you think it's about tima

                            we left for the school euditorium?

JACK : Yes, we                                   haventt   got much   t   ime . . .Rochester, get   my    car out

                                          of the garage, will you please?

ROCH : YOU CAN'T USE TH4 CAR, BOSS, A NAIT . WENP THttOWH OHIi 0F
                            THEIRS,JACK
      : Oh .

ROCH :~~y~EP ~I TOLD YOU NQP TO BUY SUCN C}IBAP TIRES .
JACK : fJz,Rochester, the most expensive tire in the world can be .
  ' punctured by a nall .
ROCH : A FI.NGEHNAIL?

JACK : Well, whet did you touch it for? . . .Alweye testing . . .NOw

      ~,whet'r gonad?MARY

      :Itex.C,i've got my car outside .

 JACK : Okay, we'll go Lz 9oure . . . . Come on .

MARY : *WFBye, Rochester .

ROCH : GOOI$YE .
 JACK : Goodbye .
ROCH : G00DBYE .
                                               (SOUPII> : F00=ST8PS . . .DOOR OPENS &    CLOSES . . .


                                                       FOfrSTRPS ON       CEMENT)


 MARY : Jack, wasn't that a nice song Bob seng?

 JACK : Yeah .
 MARY : Oh look, Jack, he^e comes Dennis on a bioyole .
                                               (SOUND : FOOTSTSPS STOP)


 BR




                                                                                    ATYl01      0 0 204 88
                                                               -7-

JACK : Where?
TENNIS,OQHe11o, Mery . Hello, Mr . Benny,

JACK : Gh, hello, kid . Gee, we were just lsaving .Yor the school

           suditorium . . . .aren't you gonna see the Beve ;ly Hills

           Beavers put on their .pley?

IEPINIS : Gh, sure . . .but it's .such a nice night I thought I'd ride
           over on my new bicycle .

JACK : Ch, is that a new one, Dennis?
LBNNI3 : Yeah, I won it last night on e quiz program .

MARY : On a quiz program! . . .Gosh, you're reelly luoky .
IYiNNI°. : Yeah
     : Was it .-JACK a hard question?

ITiNNIB : Ch no, it was easy . The man pointed at me end said,

           "Hould you pay a hundred dollars for this bloycle?" I

       . said, "Yes" so I gave him the hundred dollsre and he geve

           me the bicycle .

JACK : . Dennis -                .

ISNNI3 : I almost won a refrigerator but I didn't hove enough money .

JACK : Look kid, did the Master of Ceremonies of this quiz
           program heve a little hammer in his hend?

IEHHIS : ilh huh
               .MARY
     : Dennis, you were at en auction .

JACK : Certainly . . .and all those people crowded around were
           bidding . I know whst I'd hsve done if I'd had the hemmer ., .
                                             -
           How come on, we betterl . .`]ow come on, we better get to the

           school auditorium .                            .

IENNIS :   Okay .   .



BR




                                                  Rrxo l      00204    e9
                                                                                                      -g-


JACK : Oh, by the way, Dennis, did you ask your mother if you
                                           could go duck hunting with ms again next veek?
IENNI3 : Yeah
               .MARY
       : Dennis, I didn't knov you go with Mr . Benny on his hunting
                                           trips .
DENNIS : Oh sure, I'm his retriever .
MAHY :You -- you msan when he shoots, you bringbBCk the ducks?
DENNIS : No, when he misses, I have to bring back the buckshot .

JACK :A11 right, all right . . .Now Lennis, leave your bicycle here
                                           and come with us .

II3NNIS : Okay .                                                                 ~

(SCHOOL TRANSITION MUSIC)

                                                   (SOUND :   CROWD NOISES)

JACK : Say, this school auditorium really is paokep . . .but we got
             q~7 pretty good seats, didn't we, Mary? -I- -
MARY~G~ These are fine . . .rightn~cerJ-tACK

       :Canyouse a1 right,I7enis?IBN S
                                         : No . ~~~                                           .

JACK :                                     ~/Nhy don't you esk that man in            front   of you to teke

                                           off his hat?

IENNIS : It isn't his .

JACK : What?
IENNIg : It's mine, I put it there
             : Well, take it off, end be .JACKquiet .                                             .

STUFFY : (WHISPER) Hey, W . Benny . . .hr . Benny .
JACK : Oh hello, Joey . . .is                                       everything   ready backstage for your
                                           show?


BR




                                                                                     Arxo 1 :oo2o4. 9 o
.
    I/


         STUFBY : Uh huh .

         JACK : Are the kids          nervous?


         STUFFY :    Yeah, a little bit .
         JACK : Well, good luck .

         STUFFY : Thanks, Mr . Benny . . .ec:d by the way,         you'll     be happy to know

                      that we're    almost    sold out of popcorn .
         JACK : Well, good, good . Now push the lemonade . . .Go ahead .

         STUFFY : Okay . . .You know, Miss Livingstone, tonight we're going to
                      do a take-off on Mr . Benny's radio show

              : I know .                                              .MARY

         JACK :       Say,   Joey . . .did you   finally   get a fat kid to play Don
                      Wilson?

         STUFFY : 9h huh .
                                                     c-~-
         JACK : Good, good . . .Now you40 better hurry ^you'11 be late . . .Well ,
                      Mary, it won't be long now before the shar aterts .

         MAAY : Gee, I ho the BeavBrs really do e4p%4- --

         JACK : (WHISPENS) ~~ Mary . .Mary .

         MARY : Huh ?
         JACK : Don't look now but there's a lady across the eiale who
                      keeps staring at va . I guess she recognises me .
         MPItY : Where ?

         JACK : Shh, here she comes .

         GLORIA : Pardon        me, but would you be good enough to give me your
                  ~ p autograph ?

         JACKfw.y     Certainly .


                             (S0i1PID : PEN   SCRATCHING )


         JACK : There you are .


         BR




                                                                  AT7lO1 0020491
OLQRIA : Thank you . . .You were wonderful in "The Drunkerd" .

JACK :              H:mn .
MARY :               I told you not to vear that cepe .

JACK : I'll take it off . You know, Mary, this                                                                idea           of the little

                     kids doing                          my   radio progrem is really clever, isn't it?

MARY :ISN. , Yes, Jack, I think                                    it's                    the cutest thing    that              -- oh, oh,

                     the                        curtain's     going up .

JACK : Yeah, yeah .
                                                 (SOU~lD : CURTAIIV APENS)

JACK : And look,~,,et-he-g've even got a kid orchestra .

MARY : Quiet, here they go
                                                                                                                         .
                                                                      .(F1VEPICRSON0

gRANiC : THn JACK HE 41 STARRIN ;, JACK 3F:NNY . . . . WPPH MARY

                     LIVTi`X}STOtE, ROCHES'PER, I$sNNIS bAY, BCB CR03BY, AND "YOUL4                                                               ,
                                                                                                                                                  I


                     TRULY" DON WIL90N

                      . . .FIVE PIECE THSME UP ALID .DOJN)
                                          .(APL5E                                                                    .

FRANK :             AND                         NOd, LADIES     AND                    G^'sNPIEMEN, I WOULD   LIKE       TO BRING YOU

                      THE STAR OF 01LR SHCH . .A MAN WHO STILL HAS TI                                                        E   FIHST llOLLd+R

                      Ir-                       EVER   EARNBD . .NOT HBCAUSE PE'S CHEAP,                       30        BECAIS6 YOU

                      CAN'T                        SPEND   CONFEI&'diA IE MONEY . .AND HENE Hg IS . . . JACK

                      BENNY .


 (APPLA=) PETER
                  : Thank you, thank you, thank you . . .Hello egain, this is

                      Jack Benny telking . . .And Don, did you think up that
                      introduc albyrsef?FRANK
                  : (IALGHIIN3) Yes Jack, end I thought it vas v®ry funny .

 PEPER : Oh, you did, eh?



 BR




                                                                                                        AT 14 07.                0020492
FRANK : Yes . (IAU}HS                                          LOUD   AND IANG)
PE48H : . . Don . . .Don . . .Blubber Boy . . .Tske it eesy . . .The lest                                              time   you

            shook like that you got a proposal f r om Hilo Hattie . . .
            And    another                                   thing, Don -- Oh hello, Mary .

BEVERLY :   Hello, Jack . . .Hi ya, Don .                                                     '
PETEH : Sey Mary, I called you last night but your maid said you

            were out .

BEVERLY :   Thet's right . I xent to the baseball geme p ith Van

             Johnson .
PETER :     That    was nice . Who                                     von?



BEVERLY :   When you're with Van Johnson,                                                   who   watches the geme?

FRAtdC : Mary,       w   hat'siyoudrpenthflor?BHVELY
          : That? Oh, that'e a .letter I got from Mema .
PETEH : From your mother, eh? . .What does the "Third Dimension" of

             Plainfield                                               have    to             say?         -                        .

BEVERLY : (LALUHING) I'll read it to you . . .(CIBAaSTHROAT) . . .MY

             DARLING DAUGHTSR MARX . . .JLBT A FTW L'IIN'a5 TO IST YOU KNOW
             THAT   WE                                 AHE ALL WELS, . . .THE WEATHER IS NIOH }IEHg NOA, BVT

             AS YOU PHOBABLY                                      READ   IN THE PAPSH,             LAST   MONfH   WE   1L1D AN

             AWFUL BLIZZARD ANO Wf E N YOUH FATHEH CAic INFROM                                                         THE   BARN,

             HIS MIISCI NG                                    HAND   WAS FROZEN

       : Gee .                                                                    .P8TFd2

BEVERLY :    I HOPE                                    IT   THAWS OUP 500N AS WE ' D LHSH TO GET THg CON                     OUT



             OF THE HOUSE .

PETER :      I don't bleme them .-

JACK : (WHISPIIi) Say Mary, Mary -- that little girl is a natural
             born actress .



BR




                                                                                                   flT}SO9 U020493
MARY :              (WHISPER) Yeah ., .she went right .on reading the letter,
                   even though her bloomers were slipping down .
JACK : Yeah

                      .BEVRLY
               : NO 04T E.R 6¢iW5 50                     WILL   CI OSE NaJ .,,WITH-IAVS . .YOUg IAVINJ
                   MOTFII2, PMMA .                                                                      .

Pfs'i'ER : You know, Mary, your mother's letters got better ell the

                   time . But let's geton with the show . . . . Oh 8ob . . .BOB

                   CROSBY, I'M TAI7,INC TO YOU .

ERIC :              Oh, I'm sorry, Jeck . . .I didn't hear you .

PETER :            Didn't               beer     me?                      .

ERIC : No, I've been                                  rehearsing    the bend end my oare are          still


                    folded .

PETER :             Oh . . .Say, Bob, I msant to ask you . . .did                      you    learn   bow       to

                    pronounce                  that    word yet?

ERIC : I think so .
pETF1i :            Let        me hear you say it .

ERIC : Menneshevevitz .
PETER : Well, keep tryir.g, Bob,                                   you   don't   went to disgraoe your
                    wife and                  children .


FAANK : Say Jack?
PETER : Whet is it,                              Don?                                                       ,

FRANK :              I think this fe ll ow has a telegram for                         you .



PETER : Well, what's he raiting for? Oh boy,, .boy .
HARRY : Yessss
           : Oh fine .Areyc_fomWstrnUi?HARY
                    .PETR
           : Who do you think I am with this uniform, Nelson Eddy?
 PETER : Never mind,                              just   give me the      message .




BR




                                                                                  flTX01 0020494
                                                                       -13-

HARNY : Here you ere,

PETER : And here's a tip for you .
HAHHY : Oh boy, a nickel . . .Nov I can send my           father through


            college .
PETER : Say, I've        had    troub],e with you before,     What's    the matter
            with you, do you       enjoy    eggravating me?

HARRY :     Oooooooh, do I .

            .      (SOUND :    DOOR SLAM)
PETER : Hmm, . .Now let's see, .I wonder who this telegrem --
                                            a•-
BEhENLY : Jack, you only gave*j IM& a nickel tip . . .That ' 8 the            cheapest


            thing I ever heard of .

PETENs Mary, be quiet or            you'll   be known as Nylon Nellie         at   the

            May Compeny . . .And     now,   ledies end gentlemen, for our

            feature     attraction    tonight, we are going to do --

STAFFIC : Hello, Mr . Henny ., .Hello, Msry,

BEVERLY :   Hello, Dennis .

PETFR : Hey kid, I'm gled you got here, beceuse it's time for

            your -- Neit a minute, Dennis, look at me . .

STCFFY : Huh?
PETER : Dennis, this is the first time I ever aev you weering
            glasses . Are yoam eyes bad?

STUFFY :    No .


PETER : Then why are you veering those glasses?

STUFFY : My uncle died end left them to me .

PEI'EN : Your uncle? Oh, that's a shame .

STUFFY :    Yeah, I can't see a darn thing with them .




HR




                                                        prxo 11          0020495         1
PETER : Well, for                              heaven's sakes,          kid, if you can ' t see vith them,

                                 take them off . Just because somebody               leaves         you something
                                 in   a   will, you're not compelled to use              it .


STUFFY : I'm not?

PE'iai : No .
STUFFY :Anybodwateusofeth?PETR

                       : Elov cut            that   out . . .   .   And take off those    glasses,      it's

                                 tirrs for your song .                                          .
STUFFY :                         Okay .


PETER : While you're singing, I'm going out in the he11 and get a
                                 candy bar out of the machine,




BR




                                                                                  ATX 0 1.0020 4 96                 I
(       naTao                              )             -IS-
STUFFY : NOd CIANCY WAS A PEACEFUL            MAN,      IF YOU KNOW   WHAT   I MEAN .

         THE COPS PICIU;D UP THE PIECES AFfBR CLANCY IEFf THE SCENE .

         HB NE'VER IAOKED FOR TROiIBIE, THAT'S A FACT YOU CAN ASSUME

         BUP NBVSRTiffiIESS WHEN TROLBIE WOULD PR6SS

         CLANCY LOWERED       THE BOOM .
         OH THAT CIANCY . OH THAT            CLANCY


         WflENEVER   THEY   GOT HLS IRISH UP .
         CLANCY   LOWERED     THE BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM

         BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM                                                    .
         THE NEIGHBORS ALL TSIIiNF.D OUP FOR IIATE 0'ORAUY'S WEDDING

              NIGHT .
         MACDOlDAL SAID, "IEP'S RAVE SOME FUN, I THINC I'Id . START
              A FIGHT :"

         ?u WRECIEID THE HALL, THGN KISSED TH6 BRI .US
         AFm PULYERI7ZD THE GROOM .

         T} EN QUICK AS A WINS, BEFORE YOU                COULD   THINK

 ' CLANCY            LOWERED   TH6 BOOM .
         OH THAT CLANCY, OH THAT CI A NCY

         Wk3EHEVER THEY     GOT   HIS I,HISH UP,

         CLANCY     LOWERED    Tfff. BOOM,
          OH THAT    CLANCY,    OH THAT CLANCY
         Wf2 NBVfiR THEY GOT HIS IRISH UP

         CLaNCY     LOWERED    THE BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

         BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

          (SURE   'TWAS THE MOST BEAL'r7FIQ .SIGHTYOU
              EVER    DID SEE WHEN CLANCY            LOWERED   THB $OOM .)

 (APPLAUSS)



BR




                                                           8T1101 0020497
                  . (BGUND : FPTi FOGTSTF.PS)
       PETIIt : Where's the candy machine . . . Oh, here it ie                .-. . Now

                   let's see . . . They've got Hersheys . . ;Circhs Peanuts . . .

                   Life Savers . .Babe Ruth -. . . anfl Millq DSp . . . . I think

                   I'll get that one, . . .A tdllky Dip :                 .

       HARRY : Hey, bu3 . . .bud :

       PET ER : Huh?                      .

       HARRY : Come here a minute .

       PETER : Who, me?                                               .

       HA1EY : Yeah . .lihatcha doin'?

       PFPiSt : I'm getting some candy .

       HARRY : 4(hat kind?

       PPYEP, : A T4ilky Dip
                       .-
       HARRY : tin-uh .                                     '

       PLTGR : Vhat'r
       HARRY : Get a Hershey Bar .
       PETIR : w(rty a Hershey Bar?
       HARRY : In this hot weather nothing runs like chocolate .

       PEx7;8^Sut I want a LI11Ny Dip .

       HARRY : Millq Dip hasn't got a chacce .

       PE7PFR : that are you talking about? Milky Dip not only has-

                   chocolate on the outal3e, 'out it has cream in the center .

       HARRY : That's what'11 give you tae trouble .

       PDPII2 :   What?


       HARRY : Cream is       hard   to   handle   unless you whip At .
       PLR77t : Gee, I never thought of            that .   You really think I should
                   get a   Hershey Bar    ?


i DH




                                                             HT 90 i- : 0020/199
                                                                                   -17-


HARRY :        Can't miss, . .Look at the last performance .

               Last performance?

HARRY :        Yeah. Comin' out of the machine, Hershey was boxe3 in

               by Life Saver, but got through the hole .

PETFR : Really?
BARRY : An3 Life Saver was the
                                                    04now-

PBTAR :        Well,   I don , t know     . . . .   I ' m still   gonna   -- Wait a minute,

               I know what        1111   do .       .I ' 11 get Almond Joy .
                                                . . .


HARRY :        Okay, St ' s your dough,

(APPLAUM)                                                                    .

MARY : (WItiSPIItS) Wasn't he cute, Jack . . .just like the tout
               on our show .

JACK : (WHISPh32S) Yeah .
SEVIRLY : (CALLING) Hurry up, Jack, Dennis has                            finished his    song .

PETiRi : okay, Mary .
                       (SOUND : FEW       FOOTSIEPS . . .iCOR OPE1ffi)                       .

gEVIItLY :     What    took you eo lonG, Jack? '~
          . Oh, I ran into that race tract!tout .A flow where were we?

          IY : We're supposed to start our sketch .

 JACR :        Oh, yes . . . .Well, hold it a seco :3 . .kids, before we start,

                I want to call Rochester .

                       (   SO   UND : RECLIVER UP . .CiSCiC         CLICK   OF
                                      RECEIVI1i . . .FADIT:G 70 BUZZ BUZZ)




                                                                   AT H01        0020499
                                                                                                                    -18-

PATTY ; Oh, Mable?

SANDY :    What    is it, Gertrude?

PATTY : blr : Benny's line is flashin6 .

                      (SOUND : PLUG IN)

PATTY :     Hello .


PETER : Hello, Gertrade, .will you try to get me Rochester,
            please?

PATTY : Just a moment, Blue Eyes .
                      (SOi1PID :   PLUG    OUT)                                      .

PATTY : He wants I           should       get him   Rochester .


SANDY : It's a good thing he talked to you . I'da hung up on hi ;
PATTY : Why?
BANDY :     Jack   took me out once and             jW   didn't even kiss me                                               .

            goodnight ,, ., I can't understand it                          . . . .


                                                         this .                      Ievnbroughtmylipscoethimlk
PATPY : Well, no wonder he didn't kiss you

      : L(nat?                                                    .SANDY
PAT1'Y :   I ' ve seen a better            Pucker   on a closed               laundry bag .


                      ( SODrD:      CLICK,    cz.lcK, claCx)
PGTAR : Oporator „,operator, get me Rochester .
                      (80UND : CLSCK CLICK CIICK)

PATTY : Yes, Mr . Benny . . .I'm ringing for you
                                                        .(SJUhD
                               : PHOISG RINGS ON OTE4R yND . .RLCLIN72 UP .)

WAUPII2 : Yqr, Benny's residence, star of stage,                               screen,                            radio,
             television, and get your income tax filled out by the

            man who      knows .


PL•17St : Never       mind that, Rochester .




                                                            ar 9 o 1 oo 2 o 5 oo
                                                                          -19-

      NA71fIR : Oh, it's you, Bose .
      P6THR : Yeah :,, .Did the man from the used car lot come around                .

                     to buy my car?

      WAIIPII2 : Yes, sir,
      PC1Y9t : Well, did you tell hlm the price was a thousa[ri dollars?
      WAU1'lR : Uh huh . . but he told me that the used car market has
                     9ropped some in the last few days .

      PEPNR : Oh, .,,what did he offer you?
      WAi11E12 : Seven fifty .

      PF.T1Rt : Well, that isn't so
                               t              bad .


      WALTIR : You oughta see where the decimal point ie- .

      PLTFR : Now, Rochester, stop being on his side . . . . You know as

                     well as I do that the car is worth a thousan3 dollars .

      WAIA'FR : OH, BOSS, COlSG NOW

                                    ;PRT17{
               : All right, all rlght . . . . We11, tell the man I'm not

                     selling it anyuay, and come down to the .studio ani

                     pick me up . (3oo$bye

                : GOOOOOOOOOOODODB7CL . :SJAIP2

                             (SOUND : RECGLVIIi DOWN)            .
      (APPLAUSE)
      BEVFRLY : Jack, you were on the phone so lonC, we haven't got

                     time to do the play .

      PLTFR : I don't know ., .you try to put on a program an3 something
                     always happene, ;, .Play, Bob .

      JACK :       i.ENiONADF, GET YOLHi LTiFfONADU IN THE IABSY,

      tdARY :    Jackl

      JACK :         Oh, I'm sorry,
      (APPL4USG & PLAYOFF)
IA[




                                                        Rrx 01       00   20 5 0 1
DON : Jack will be back in a minute to tell you .about his
          television show which goes on imse3iately after this
          program but first, here's a wor3 to you emokers who

          are looking for better taste in a cigarette .




DON : Jack will be back in a minute to tell you about his

          television program which goes on at 7 :00, .PM tonight

          over the CBS Television Network „ but fJ,rst, here's

          a wor3 to you smokers who are lookin g for better taste
          in a   cigarette .




                                            19   rxo   t   oo2o o2
                                                               5
                                                                     I
        THE      TOBACCO
        THg J~$E 7NY PROGRAM~ET               #0                -C
        FffiNCARY 20, 1955
        CL032NG C T°T .0[AC
(.
        WII80N : Jack vili be back in just a minute, but first a word

                      to you smokers whoare Looking for better taste in a

                      cigarette . Bettertaste, friends, is the prime concern

                      of the makers of Lucky Strike . That's why a Lucky is

                      mede of fine good-taating tobacco that's toasted to

                      taste even better . Yes, better taste begins with fine,

                      iight, miid tobacco . . .good-tasting tobacco, And then

                      t:Et tcbacco is toasted . "IT'S TOASTID" w- the famous

                      Lucky Strike process -- brings Luckies' fine tobacco to

                      its peak of fiavor,, .tones up this naturally

                      good-tasting tobacco         to make it   taste   even better .

                      J'-eaner,    fresher,    emoother . So, make your next
                      carton :.ucky Strike and Be Happy, Go Lucky .

      TRANSCRIBEJ "I,' you want better taste from your cig-a-rette,
      OLLTNS &
     FULL   CALYPSO    Lucky Strike is the brand to get!
     VERSION    Cg'
     SONO-37 . .SEC .) IT'S TC?STID to give you the best taste yet,
                      It's the toasted (CLAP . . .CLAP, CLAP)

                      cig-a-rette .

                      i^Ry taie fine tobacco, it's light tobacco,

                      it's mi'_d tobacco, too .

                      lr.en IT'S    TOASTED,      yes, IT'S TOASTED

                      because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

                      Sc, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette,
                      ,ttckv Stike is the brand to          get!


                      IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

                      It's the toasted (CLAP . . .CIAP, CL4P)

                      cig-a-retteJ"      .
            BB




                                                                   fl T Y!O 1 . - . 0020503
(TAG)

JACK :       ladies and gentlemen, I was going to tell .you about my

             television show, but we're a little late,so tune in

             and watch it . .Goodnlght, folks .

(APPLADB&)

DON :        The Jack Benliy   Show   tonight vae written by Milt

             Josefsberg, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon, tlgl Goldman,
             and produced and transcribed by Billiard Marks .




BB




                                                   Rrxot oo2o 5 o4
                                                           _p2_

}ORBENT TAREYTON
HIt 301F

           Filter smokers : True tobacco taste . . .real filtration . .

           famous TAREYTON quality . . .they're all youra vhen you

           smoke Filter Tip TAREY'PON . Filter Tip TARENPON gives

           you all the full, rich taste of TAREYTON!S Quality

           tobacco and real filtration, too, because Filter Tip

           TAREYTON incorporatee Activated Charcoalp renowned

           for its unusual   powers   of   selective   filti8tion . Look

           for the red,   white   and blue stripes on the package .

           They identify Filter Tip TAREYTON, the         best   in filtered

           smoking .


DON : The Jack Benny program was brought to you by the

           American Tobacco Company . . .America's leading

           manufacturer of cigarettes .                ,




 BB




                                                  RT if 0 7 ~, .0020505
                                                            ~)
                                                     d B,NM 5 3
                                                           SORI
                                                     RFVI38D PT
                                                           #


                AMERICAN .T0B4CC0 COMPANY            .            .

                        LUCKY STRIltE
                   TlBE JACS BENNY PRCGRIM

SU=Y . FffiRIWNY 27, 1955 OBS 4 :00 - h :30 PM PST

             (Transcribed    - Doc . 1, 1954)


                CAST : JACK BENNY
                         ROCHFSTER
                         DENNIS A4Y
                         DON WILSON
                         SP~NMEN~gIUARTET
                            MEL BIANC
                            JONE SARIF,
                            NERB VIQBAN
                            FRANK NRISON
                            B$NNY BUBIN
                            DICA RYAN
                            SARA BIsNNBR
                            SAM HFARN
                            JFANIIT& EYM4NN
                            ELVIA ALLMAN
                            HY AVERBACK




BA




                                          Rrxo   i   ooaosos
    TRE AMC.RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
    UJCKY 3PRIKE                                      opening :      1 .36       Cloaing :    1 .32
    THE JACK PM PROGRAM
    PgHRGARy 27, 1955                                                Totai :    3 :09

    OPISNING CONIIdffiiCIAL
    WILSON : THE JACK BffiiN1C PROGRAM . . .transcribed and presented
                         by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that taetes better!

    LIGHT UP TIME
    JINGLE -#1 - .21 sec
                              . (SOUND : TIC   TOO    -     6   BFATS)           _

    GROUP : Light up a Lucky
    50IA : It's Light Up Time
    GROUP : Be Heppy Go Luoky

    SOLD : It's Light Up TiV:e
                         For the      taste that          you like

.    Light           up       a    Lucky              strike                         -

- GROUP :       Relex!

                          (RUM GLISS)
    80ID & GRCGP : It's Light Up Tij¢e
    WILSON :             This is Don Wilson, friends, and I                    certainly     agree
                 - there's no time                   like   rlaht now to light up a Lucky and

                         find out first hand vhat               real, deep-down smoking


                          en j oyment is . I .mean the en j oyment              that     comes from
                         better taste . . .because e Lucky teates better every
                         time . And the reasons vhy are world famous . First of
                         all, L9/JMF l',       Lucky   8trike means fine tobacco .

                         Tobacco so fine, so light, so mild, it just naturally

                         tastes better . And then, something very important

                         happens to Luckies' fine tobaooo . "1T'S TOASTED" .

                         "TT'S TOASTID" is the famous Lacky Strlke process that

                         brings Luckiea' naturally good-tasting tobaoco to its

; Peak of flavor, tones it up to make it tsete even
                         better .          (MORg)
     CB



                                                                             prxo 1 oo 2 05o 7
J
    THE AMERI AR N TO&+CCO COMPANY
    THE JACK 8$tRi7C PROGRAM
    DJC%Y STRIKE
    FEBR(1ARy 27, 1955
    oPErrux} ocnu EROrnL (coNr ' D)
      L90N :              Cleaner, fresher, smoother .                            so   right now, while the
     CONT'D)
                           show gets ur.der way -- or r.+nenever it's                          light-up


                           time for you, Be'Reppy - (i_°                         Lucky .   Enj6y Luclq
                           strike -- the beat testing cigarette you ever smoked!

      GRT UP T IME
      3IGLE   -0   .13 sec . ( S IORT                      ClOSE)


               ORCUP :    F   or the taste that                     p   u'like

                          Light up a w 9trike Right~IOx!

    GROUP ;


                                         GISSS)
    3QIA :      ~        I ;ight up a Lucky
     (Sr0I4N )-
    SOIA BcGRCAP : It's Lfght UP T1e1e
                              •~




         CB




                                                                                       AiYS01 . 0020508 .     1
TR8q KE t IOAN TOBACCO COMPANY
THE JACK SffiiNY PROGRAM


FID~1~ 22 9S, B 1955
OPENING      CCNMERCIAL (CONT'D)

(OPTIONALILIl$iT fiUP
JINGLE - ,$ - .20 sec .
GROUP : Light up a Luoky
50LOe It's Light Up Time
GROUP : Ba Rappy Go Luclq
SOLO : It's Light Up TiWe
                       For the taste that you like
                       Light up a LuolSy . Strike

GROUP :       Right      now!

                       (HUM   GLISS)

SQL0 :         Light       Up     a    Luoky(SPO
        KE   N)
SOIA & CROUP : It's 1Light Up Time




   C8




                                                     Arx   010   0 0 0
                                                                  2   5   9
(FIIL9T RCUPINg)
(AFTSg CCMMIIiy+ ,`IAL, MOSIC UP AND DCWN)
DON :                       THg LUCKY STRIISE PRCORAM,           STARRING    JACK BffiCV1[ . .WITH MARY
                            LIVINCBTCNE, RCOHBSTBR, DENNIS IYiY,              BOB CROSBY,           AND "YCUHS

                            THULY",     DON WILSON .


(APPILIUSE . .MUSICPANDOr71V)C

        ; AtID NOd, IADIRS AND 4EN'^LFMEN , WE'D I,II4.+                             TO   TAKE       YOU     BACK

                            TO   THORSDAY EVSNIN6 AT THE C .B .S .          RADIO   STUDIOS . TBS
                            JACK    BENNY     SHOrI HAS JUST FINIS}Q;D ITS WHNIQX REHEanSeL .

JACK ; All right, fellows, that's about it . .but before anybody
                            leaves, I want to check some things . Hey, Mahlon?

MAffiAN : Yes, Jack?

JACK :               I'd         like     you to      rehearse   the opening music        with       the boys . .

                            I'd like the         tempo   plcked up a little

                 :          Okay,                                      .M4RIAN
                                        I intended to hsve another orohestra              rehearsal


                            anyway .


D&NNISl:^ I                      want    to   stay   and go over   my   song once more

            ; b- k,Fine, Dennis . . .Nov Don . . .                                         .JACK

DON :                       Yes, Jack .

JACK :                       One little        thing .   Every   time we rehearsed that              j   oke on

                            page    twelve,      you broke up and laughed through the whole

                             thing .
DON : I knoN
            ; Well Don, .JACK you're supposed to play that straight . You're

                             supposed to do it With sincerity . It's not                   funny when


                        -you,laugh .                             -                        .              '
DCN : , :AISM, I can't help laughing . .iti 1 fvnny .



BA




                                                                             fiT7101               0020510
        .
JACK : ~ Well, let's try itonoe more, Don . .~[ this time play it
         ..Aa N 1.. ..,...s- .!- e: ~ ~, _ -      .      -
             d
                 straightm. .It's on'the bottom of page twelve . . .(1o ahead .

DON :        Okay .
         ~              (SODfID : PA6ffi           TURNING       IN SCRIPT)                          .
                                                                                               ,
JACK: ~b-,Take it, Don ./l ' ,                  d,-  .^a- r---aQ                  °-" ~
                                                                           I i
DON : (CIFARS THROAT) You know, ever~Jeince I                                        was    born, my

                 father     wanted swr to be a             J   ockey .

JACK: Oh Don, that's si11y . . .Jookeye only veighabout ninety
                 pounds .

DON : (IABGHINO)                  Well, that's             exaotly whet I            weighed       when I

                 was   born . (HE IAWt15 ANN BRHAK3 HI6BELF UP)

JACK : For heaven's sake,-9m . .you laughed all the way through
                 it a in .
DON : Well,'I ~ust aen~t k~lp it.                                JAM     . It ' s    so    ridlculoua .

JACK :           Ridiculous?


DON : (STRAIOIit) Yeo-, when I was born, I weighed a hundred-
                 and twenty pounds

                                              . JACKs How do you like thet . .and I paid a writer,nine dollars
                 for that     joke . . . . Now        fellows, we ' ll have another sorlpt

                 rehearsal     tomrror aqrning at ten o'clook .

M4ffidlN : Can ' t you make it                 later,      Jack . . . I've got .to get a

                 hsircut tomorrow            morning .


JACK : Well----
DRNffiS(S'.}.,Mr . Benny .      . . .   I   have   to get a        haircut,        too .

DON ;', That's a ooincidepoe . .I heve to get a hairout, too .



BA




                                                                          Ar 901           0   0 2 0 511
                                                                                                -s-
JACK :       . . .H= rm . . .if there's anything I can't stand,                                   it's   a bunch

             of showoffs . . .Look, fellows, we've                         scheduled            the   rehearsal


             for tomorrow morning . . . .           why      do you have to waste time

         .~~ like that?

DON : Ot.[+,It's not a vaste of time, Jack . . . Don't you=get baircuta
             when your heir gets too long?                                                  .

bENNIS :     He has Rochester wash it and it shrinks .

JACK :       -lr: . .Dennis, I suppose you thought that was funny .

DENNIS :     Yes, air .

DON :        AM I agree with him, Jack .

JACK:        Oh, you   AliF'~~(~-~- ~- ~^, ^'~, ~-~ l .
                              I ~

DON :        Ye~? . .accordYng to the greatest authoritl¢s on comedy,
              the basic ingredient of all humor is the blunt insult .

JACK :       Really . Don?

DON :        Yes .

JACK :       Well, shut up, Blubber             Bucket,            is that blunt enough? . . . .

              Now let's see . . . . . . . Aennis, if you're ready to rshearse

              your eon4 n`I'd,like t~o haar it

                                  .n~'54MM 1 .•~.get~aXctoke.DEtI?Sy~{,Nhroatiedy first .

JACK :      Oh . .Well, Mahlon, wtyy don't you lot the boys in the band

              take a little break .

MAHi.ON : Yeah . .(IIP) Okay fellows, take five .

                     (SOUND :   IIYTS Q f GULPING               AND       GURGISNG .)

 JACK : (Yr'S .L4) HE NiFANT FIVE MLNUPE39, NOT IA2ItMS . . . . Wnat a bunch

              of guys .




  BA




                                                                              ar 9 o 1 .oo 2 os 12
                                                                            -4-
V
    N0 }HAN : Go ahead, fellows . .take a five minute break . .,
     .
                    (SOIM : HOSHING OF FE6T . .JANGLING OF INSTHD"N7l9,

                    El'C . )

    DON : Say Nahlon, I've            noticed     something . . .Bvery time the boys

               in the band leave, 3em :p the drummer stays tiehind .

               doesn't he go with them?

    MAHfAN : Well, SaMM9 doesn't like to mix with them, . .They're always
               insulting him and        saying    mean things about him .

    JACK :~;L&n,I've noticed that, too . .wt+v doesn't he stiok up for
               himself and     answer    them    back?


    MAH[AN : Oh,   he's    afTaid to .

    JACK : Afraid to? But Samlp's the biggest guy in the band . . .Is
               he a coward?

    NAffiAN : Not exactly, but you see, he's been down on his hsnds and

     - kbees so long-he thlnke evergbody-is ten-feet-tali :-JACK

         :   ldt.~gee . :Msi~ he must think the piano is the Golden Gate

               Bridge . . .Well, that's about a11 . . .I'm going to my dressing

               room . Mehlon, let me know about those new .arrangements

               as soon as they're ready,w .Af ya--~

    M4ffiAN : Okay Jack,       I'll   call you .

               What's your number at home again?

    JACK : Orestview 4-0555 .                              -

    M4HIAN : (AS THOIKiH WAITING IT DOWN) Crestview . .4 . .G . .5 . .5 . •5•          .

    JACK : That's right . .see you                       tomorz'ou .

    DENNISe(;~<i;,I'11 walk with you, Mr . Benny . . I'm going out in the hall '
                for a drink .                                                 R

                                                                                           f
                                                                                           i
    BA                                                                      I




                                                                                           f



                                                               Rrxo 1 -oo 2 o 573
                                                                      -5-

JACK : Okay, kid .
                    (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS & CIABES . .FOOIS7cPS . .
                                  PADE AND SLI5TAIN IN H .G . )

JACK : Gee, the studiosaure look nice end bright since they
            replastered      and painted the wells,

DENNIS :   Yeah .                                                     .

JACK : It must have cost e lot of mone7
       : it cost four thousen9, aix hundred end twenty-skmea :
                                          .DENIS
            dollars end ninety-two cents .

JACK : Dennis „how did you know the e :cact amount?

DENNIS :    t4y mother      was   foreman on the   j   ob .

JACK : Hmwnm . . .Well, here's the coke mechine . . :Ycu said you
            wanted to get one,                                    .

DENNIS :    Oh   yeah .


              ~~(SOUcD : JINGLING OF COINS)

I7ENNIS :,~ f~h, here's a dima .
                    (SOUPID : C02N IN SLOT)

DENNIS :    N:m . . . Nothing ogme out
                             :    BEATING    .(HOi1lID
                                            ON MACNINE)

JACK : Dennis,            don't   beat on the machine like that,          you'll


            break    it .


DENNIS : But I put my dims in and nothing ceme out .
JACIC : Well, that's the chance you take .
         !
ffiNNIS :•~~~..~ , ~ ~deit a minute, .,here's a sticker on the mechine . . .It     says


           ""For repairs, call Crestview 4-0555 ."
JACK : , See you later, Dennis .

I6NNIS~~,Weit a minute, that's your number .

RM




                                                          Arx 01 0 0 20s1 4
                                                                                       -6-

      JACK : Don't be such a bad loser . . .I'm going to my'..dreesing room .

                   (SOUND :      CovPI E FdarsTEPS . .DOOa oPE as & oiq W .)
,   JACK : Well, I'll get all my things out of [ere')etd t~I'll
                                       4)     ~J          _-~
                   (SOUND : DOOR OP&2~ .


      JSNHY :      Say,   vhat are you doing here?
      JACK : Miss, this happens to be my dressing room
                                                           .JENY
               : Mister, either you can't read, or you ought to get your
                   glesses f7xed
             : It's my dressingK.JAC room, it's been converted .

      JENNY : Oh, I'm sorry .
                          (SOUND : DOOTi         CLOSES)


      JAOK : Well, I guess                I'll   get my things together 50 --                   ~W,   first

                    I better call the parking lot and have                  them       push my car
,    around          to       the         front . .   A   t takes longer   now   that a vheel is

                   missing .


                          (SOUND : RECSIVgR UP . . TFIItEE DIALS)                  .

      JACK :       Hello,     this is Mr .       Benny .     Will you please bring mycer
                    around to the front?',,,Thank you .

                          (SOUND :    R.nC6NER DOrlN)

       JACK : Well, I may            as    well go now .

                          (SOURD : BOOTSTEPS, .IlO~it OPENSMFOOTST3P8)                            .
                                                                                        -~11-

       JACK : (HUMS         LOVE   IN BLOOM)                                           go   iw the"

                    studio and say goodbye to the gang .
                          (SOUND :        DOOR   OPENS)



       JACK : So long fellows
                                         .IENS~r
                 .~ +c,Mr . Benny . .I thought you A9d gone homa .

       JACK : I'm         just   leaving ., .can          I drop you at your house?

       FQA




                                                                      Rrx    01        0    0   20515
                                                                         -7-

DENNIS : No, I'm        going   to the   doctor   aoross the street . . .I'm

        .o~~ getting a treatment fCr water on my knee .

DON : uu- , Gee, Dennis, I didn't know you had           water   on the knee .

DENNIS : Well, I have, snd it bothers me a lot,, .espeolelly et

            night .

JACK :        At                night?                           '

ITsNNIS : Yeah, the splashing keeps me awake .

JACK : Hmmn . . .
7 ENNIS : It's at its worst ebDut three in the               morning .


DON :    Why?

I93NNIS : T at's vhe~ the tide comes in .
JACK : ,Ayou'shouldnrt have asked him . . I wes going to ignore
            the silly kid . .He's making the whole thing up, .He hasn't

        ~ got water on the knee A[ probebly never had it,

DBNNIS6k.,Yes, I have ., .I got it when my mother dropped me when she

            was giving me a bath,

JACK : When you were a baby?
ISNNIS : No, lest week .

JACK : Now cut that out„ I'm leaving now . .and Mahl,on, don't
            forget to call me about those arrangements . :.So long,
            fellows .
(TRANSITION MCHIC)
                      (SOUND : CHINAWARE    AND SILVERWARE    TINNLINU .)

ROCH : HCN'D YOU ENJOY YOO .R DINNER, MR . BENNY?

JACK : ,~ l1~ ~I It was very good, Rouhester . Now I'll heve my coffee .
R00H : HEIC YOU ARE .                                               .
                      (SOUND : CUP ON SAUCER)
ROCH : WOULD YOU LIKE A LI'M7E CCGNAC IN YOtIIi COFPTE?
RM




                                                            arxot 0ozosi~
                                                                                                   -8-
JACK : I would . .but, .heve we ot eny co ac 9

ROCH :         1 E , UEE~ OUf
               Y
                                                   ~ _ ~ ~F~
                                                  TR AT~`FAAI(E
                                                                                  f


                                                                               YOU GOT               ~~
                                                                                                   ~ CHItISTM~:~ ~
                                                   ,~        . t _. . . ~
               Oh, ~ood,~o~,             .
ROCHe ~+-, SAY BC63, AFTER I N 44ISH'j THB                       DISHES,        CAN I       HAVE    Tpg-REST
           1

               OF THG NICHP OFF?
JACK :         I guess so„have you got                      a date?                           .
ROCH :         YHAHfIl43H . . .I'M GOING OVER TO MY GIRL FAISfm SUSIH'S HOL6G

               TO WATCH TBIIE7ISI0N . . .TT'S SO NICE AND OOZY THERE . . .JU9T
               Tf E   TWO   OF   US   ON'IR   E    SOFA„WITH THQ LHHI19 DIIRd ;DDOY/N,
JACK :         Say,    this will      be the           third tims this veek you've been
               thesre „have there been eny good shows on                                  television      this
               week?
ROCH :         WHO KNOWS, HPIi SEf'3 BROIQSN .
JACK :     AiNt .,Okey, Rochester, you                         can    heve the night of£ . .but
               be sure you're home                at    a   reasonable        hour .
ROCH :         1'OUR RSASONABIE OR MY REASONABIE?
JACK :         Never mind . .just don't .be so lete that --
                 . (SOUNO :           PHONE   RING3)                     ..
ROOH :         WANT M6 TO ANSWER,TH6 PHONE, BOSS?
JACK :         No, you finish the dishes, I'll get it in the den .
                       (SOUAO : FOOT3TEPS„STSTAIN IN B .G .~) ~~                                                 ,
JACK :         Ham ., .His reesona)ble or my reesonable . .~i[(lmvar forget
               last New     Years     8ve . .He vent out id he                   didn't           come in till
               five . .Februery five . . .I'mgoing to have a long                                  talk   with
               him    bfidNOW. .,                                                     .
.        (SOUND :                     PHONE   HINGS . . .RRCBIVER UP)


RM




                                                                      Ar      901         00205          »
a

    ~                           -9-
    JACK : Hello .
       IdAHIAN : Hi Jack, this ]e Mahlon Merrick .
       JACK : Oh, have you got thosemusloal srrangements I asked for?

       [MFIIAN : Well, I was bringing them over with Remley, but he had to

                  stop off here at a gas'statlon to get filled up .

       JACK : Oh, xell vhen . . .vait a minute . . .I didn't         know   1i`rankie had

                  a   car .


       MAHIAN : F.e havn't, he'll drink anything .

       JACK :   Oh .

       MAtIIAN : I'11 try and get them over soon .
       JACK :   . Okay, goodbye .                                           .
                          (SOUM7 :   RECEIVER                 DOWN)             _

     . JACK :   Gee . . .Imaglne Frankie getting high on gasoline . . .I hope

                  it's Mobilgas, then everybody can "Look for tlle sign of

                  the Flying Red Guitar Player" . . . .Gosh, what a bunch of guys

                  those musicians are . . .I don't know why I keep .them around . . .

                  they can't play music . . .a lot of~ times theydon't even bother

                  showing up for the program . . .~When they do shov up, the

                  condition they're in . . .Nov that I think of it, those fellows

                  haven't sobered up once in all the years theylve been with

                  me . . .If they ever start cashing their checks, I'm gonna fire

                  them . . .I don't know why I-- Sayyyy, what's this message

                  here%* the phone . . .it's in Rochester's handwriting . . .

                  (sIAWLY, AS THOUGH RCADIN1) . . . . . Darryl . . .Zanuck . . .oalled . . .

                  (UP) OR ROCHESTER, ROCHRSTSR . . . . WHAT'S THIS M63SAGS ABOUT

                  MR . Z4NUCK CAi3.ItINC?    .                   ~..




                                                                 flT 90 10020518
                                                                                          -10-
ROCH : (OFF) OH YES, MR . BENNY . . .HR PHONBD THI8 AFTBRNWN FROM
           TNENCIETH CENTURY FOS .STUnIOS .                            ~~                            ~

JACK : What did he want, what did he want, what, vhat, vhatj^'-'~`

ROCH : YOU OWE H]M A D]ME, THEIR COKE HACHINE 15 OT/1'-OF ORDER .

JACK :   Ch . . .well, you know what to do . . :send him the .questionaire

           he has to fill out, and the           six   form lettershe has to sign

           in front of a     notary   pubilc .

ROCH : 3UP BOSS, NOBODY N71J .. :00 THROA}H ALL THAT JUST TO 6FP A
           DIM BACK .

JACK : (HAPPY) Iknow . . .(HRdS LPfTIE OF IAVE IN BIDON)

ROCH :   ?.Rc YOU OOAtO 0Uf TO A MOVIE TONI(iHI`, MR . $RNNY4
JACK :     No,   them's    some good,wrestling on television                              tonight,   and

           1 went to    watch   St . . .l[ey, look what time it 1e : ; :I better
           turn the set on or      I'll   miss the      main         event

                           : CLICK OF TEIbN78I0N         SET         (i0 IN .(SOUND

     : iT3I.L, HHIIE YOU I RE WATCHItd3 T .V ., I T LL                 00      BACK IN THE
                                                                                }ON)RCH
           KM`CfU:N AND FINISH NY HORK .

JACK : Okay, Roohester~ :w~hile the set's waxming uy,I think I'll
           get oomfortableAin thls -awr chair

                           : SITPIAl1IN CHAIR)            .(SOUND                     .

JACK :   F:e;, what's this picture ooming on . .,those four fellows
           lcck like the Sportsnren Quartet .                                         .

Hy : Now for their next nitsber, the                   Sportsmen             Qaai'tet w311

           sing "No Business LSKe         Show Business"             fromthe 20th Century

           Fox   picture   of the same name .




BB
                                                                                                           I




                                                                    fiTiS01               0020519
QUART : TIffi BUP CHER ,               THE      BAAER,         THE      GROCER, THE CISRK
          KNOW           WR I RR THE SPORTSMF1i ON Tf                     R   RADIO
          WRNE MUMT               RE   D, WEryFy STUM'6 RED , AND WSNE                       GONE          ffitSERK

          TO MAAR OUR                 LUCKY     STRIK@ COPBAERCIAL9                    00


          WHAT           WE DO TO A SONG IS REALLY SAD

          WAAT OTHER BUSII M S PAYS                            YOU      TO BB BAD
          TILL           THE   END OF TIME

          WR, LL BE HAUN1Rs9 BY THIS RRYMF:                                                          .
          SM.O%8 A LUCKY FROM IIRNTUGHY, TNEY'RE JUST DUCKY
          yES AND THEY :REALMINB

    : TRSN I SANG PAIS.ILCCI                                                                     .
          AtD SOMEONE SROUfD HAVE SROT ME

QUART : BUP N0, OUR SPONSOR Ti OUGNT                                  THAT         Il' WAS FINE

          i/i    MENTIONED             IACIiY STTtISE9 IN EVER1i LINE
          Ths.RB I S NO BUSINESS LIRE 3R0W BUSINPSS

          LIRE NO BUSIWRS3 WE RN(W7

          EVIIiYTiiING ABOIIT IT 78 APPEAL7RG SVT+'"1rSNG THE TRAFFIC WILL ALiAW


          AS     FOR       MONEY       WE GET RARDLY ANY
          W?.+VE WORI EDFORBENYAihP
                          U   P TILL NOW             .

          TFmRE+3 N0 TROUBIE I. .1t~ OUR TROUBIE
          WfS,ti W: TRY TO COLI80P
          WE t D E BL'PPER OFF IF WE NLRE ROM6 IN BID
                                                         Tv
           $LT tiq, NOT US, IT I S                       9M   36     INSTEAD


           ~70~~ASF.NNS ~
          IT
          bwPolimokm !     _~ A WORD WE :VE SAID
           LSTIS GO ON WITH TfM SHOW .

                                                               (MORE)




                                                                                      flT)XO l           0020 5 20
                                                                            - -
                                                                            32


           THWI S HO CSAARfifmR
,rm I n)
           NONE   YOU CAH      GET


             I.IIB IACMS       WE    KHOW

             LUC[QtiS AHB   TEE      SMOK6 THAT YOU WII,L TREASURE

             IAC'Kl--S HAVE THAT 867TER TASTE YOU LIKE

             TfIIRE I S NO WAY WE KNOW , TO REALLY         MEASURE


             THE SvOKIIiG PIEASURE IN LUCKY           STRIKE


           Tf 1TVI RE CIFiltW THROUl3H AND TRROUGH
             MUC'tt FRESHQ2,    TOO .


             SO S.'~'.GOTH AS YOU KNOW
             LUCK_'+ STRIKE MEAHS FINB TOBACW YOUtLL AGRFE

             A 7DASTID CTGAREiTE, THEYIRS FOR ME
             NOW I S THE T44E       TO LIGHT   AN ISMF2

             YOU l L LIKE UJCKIRS           WE KNOW    -

             YES YOUI LL L .IRE LUCIQFS WE KNOW              .

(APPIAUSE)




                                                                 fli}SO 1   00    2052 . 1
                                                                                   -13-

(THIiD ROVrINE)

JACK :     I   That   was     real good .
NY : This concludes another                          program   of music       sponsored    by the

               Shamrock      Hotel in Aouston ; Texas . . .For reservations call
               the    clerk    right at the .hotel . The number Ss ltouston -
               6-903857648941o 273695 .
                             -L
JACK :~, ~~ Gee, evervthinz's~big down in Texes . . . . vhet a number .
HY : U=.~ .,Correotion, please . .]IJve just been notified that for
               reservations at        the Shamrock         Hotel, you're to~oall the

               Flsmingo Hotel in Las Vegas . . ;The Flamingo                    has j   ust    won


               the~Shemrook .
JACK : !t that's silly . .                 . . . .   I better get the channel the

               wrestling       matches are on .

                       (SOUND : CLICK OR TWO OF TEIEVI3ION DIAL)

NELSON :        .• .iTaTTx .i
               1RsT_., THAT WAS AN EXOII'ItA BOUT

      : That's St, that's it .                                        .JACK

NELSON : NOW RLFCRE WE TFTECAST .T1E MAIN EVENP, HF1RE'S A WORD FROM

               OUR SPONSOR, THE FR7ENpLY CRFI)1T CLOTHING ST06B .

RUBIN :        YES,   MEN, IF YCU P        EED SIACKS, SUITS, 8PORT JACKElPS, OR ANY
               OTRER WPARI[$3 APPAREL,GEP TR41 AT THE FRIEPNLY C RED 1T

               CIp17[INO STORE . . .NO MONEY DOWN, JUST PAY A                   DOLLAR     A   WEEK . . . .


               AND    RF MEMBER , Tfd;SE CIA'PHES ARE GUARANTE•ID, NOT FOR MONTHS,

               NOT FOR YEARS,        BUT    FOR LIFE . . .THGY HAVE TO BE          1   ECAUSS

               THAT'S HOW IANG YOU'LL BE PAYING .

JACK : Rmmm,

RUBIN : NOW           BACK    TO THE WRESTLIVG          MATCHES .




ffi




                                                                      AT 80 3-         0   020522
     Lw i ~ ~ a .                           1l         ,        E,      2    -14-
NEL40N : ~ :7 W18'RBaVV1S      NIM                     ~ BOTH WRESTUM ARE NOW
           , .'IN THE RING .          THg       CONPESTANf9                     ARE     IARD

           'FEATHERSTONE, AND PROFESSOR IAMONP WHO 13 I4i0WN AS THE

            ABBENT MINDED PROFSSSOR .

JACK :      Gosh,      what   big     fellows .they ara .
NELSON :   THE       REFEREE HAS BTdRAONffi) THg MEN T0 THE CENTER 0F THN
             RING . . .FE4T}     E   RSTONB HA$        A
                                                      T KE   N 0FF HIS ROBE AND HIS TRUNK4
            ARE BIACK WITH A WHSTE STRIPE . . .NOW THE PROFE9SOR                        13


            TAKING OFF HIS            ROBE    AND HIS TRUN&4 ARE--11
             HE REALLY IS ABSRNP MAtDED .
              .~-.~Q-Q `'a ~ - .s    4-
JACK :



             Pnr?Wm . . . :Oh, the matoh is about to start . . .th1e should
             be good .
                      (SOUND : DFd.L CLANGS)                                      .             .

NEISON : THE'RS ' S THE HELL . . .Tfls MEN ADVANCE TO                     THE   CENTBR OF THE

             RIIx3 ATUi START CIRCLINO                AROUND EACH       OTHER AS THBY   --


                      (SOUND :       AS NEL90N IS SAYING THIS, ON HI3IAST WORD
                                     OR 7N0    WE     HEAR A     BUZZ   OF SNART OIRWIT)

JACK :       What     happened        to the p3cture . . :the set Wentoff . . .I wonder

             what's     vrong with it . . .OH RCCHRSTER . . .ROCHg8T8R .
                      (SOUND :       DOOR    OPfiN)

ROCH : (COMING IN) YES BOSS .

JACK : I vas vatching                  television          I=   all of a su8den ;the set vent

             oft .

ROCR : MAYBE YOU tAADE A SHORT CIRCUIT WHEN YOU DImPPEC IN THE
             COIN .
BB




                                                                          FiX01~. . 0 029523.
JACK :   That      set ' s in the gpest room .              . . .   It's prob9bly 1ust a
         loose vire . . .You          try      and   fix   it, I'm      going to      get the

         vrestling matches on radio .

ROCH :   YES    SIR .
                   (SOUND : COCPI$             FOOTSTEPS . . . CLICK)


JACK : Gee, I don't even               know      vhet,is~n St's on on 1 A/R. . .

          Let's     see .
                            . (SOUND : STATIC WtIISTLFS)

ELVIA : PLEASE DCN'T LFAVEME, JOE,                         PLEASE,      PLEA9E . . .I'VE BEdH A
         GOOD t1IFE TO         YOU    AIIPFe7GGH I'LL ADhSP THAT'I'VE NAGGED A
          LiTTLE,       NEVER    HAI) YWR DINNER READY NtII+li YOU                    CAME   76k1B AT

          NIGHP, NEVER MAI$ THR HEDS IN THE                           MORNING,      AND IBT TH6
         FDRNITCRE STAY IASTY --

                   (SOSRiD : STATIC HHISTLES)
JACK : That's not it • . . that's a soap opera .                          . . .   Maybe it's   around


          here .

                   (SOUND :      STATIC HHISTLFS . . .CH M OFCRGF'D)
JACK : Thet ' s it,          that   ' s it .

NfEL : (FdCCITED) AND DDSTYR}ADF3 HAS                           JUST    HIT AIpMG RUN INTO
          THE RIGHP FIELD STA R S AND                  TBE     GIANTS D$FBAT CLEVEAND IN
          TIC FIRST GAME OF THR NORLD SFRIE4 .
HERB :    THIS PROGRAN           WAS    TRANSCRISED FJIRLIER FOR                   RELEASE   AT THIS
          MORE     CONVENIFNf TIME .
JACK : Oh, for heavens sakes . Where are those vrestling matches .
                   (SOUND : STATIC WHL4TLFS)




CB




                                                                       ATX09 0020524
                                                                                                                            -26-

     (PIAHO IlPTRO)
    SARA :          (SINaS)          WE PL4YBD T'HE GAME
                                     OF STAY AWAY

                                     BUT IT COST MORE THAW I CCULD PAY

                                     WITH70T YOU I CAN'T FIND MY WAY

                                      I SURRRRtDF~t, DFAR .
     JACK : Boy, would she stump the experts on What's My Line .
                              (SOUND : STATIC SOJJEAIS)
     JACK :         Rochester,             how are you coming                           along              with the        television


                    set? I can't get the program on radio . -
    ROCH : WSLL, I'VE                      LOOKED                        ALL OVER THE SII' . . .I CAN!T                    SEE   ANYTHCN(i
                    WRONO .
     JACK : . But it                just                           vent off suddenly . . . Say, maybe the wire has
                    been kicked                                    loose where    it's plugged in .                    .
    ROCH : YOU WANT ME TO GO                                             OVER    TO THE COLMlsN!S [UD$8                    AND   SEE?
    JACK : Look, never mind the jokes . . . j ust see if yqu can fix the

                    set   . . . .   I'11 try the radio egain . .                                                           ,
                             (SOUND : STATIC S6?JEAIS)
    ELVIA :         AND SOMEPIP E3 I FOFD}EP TO SAd BUTTCNS ON YOUR SHIfYi', AND

                    LEAVE     A SIMQ''UL OF DIRTY                                 DISHES,   SPEND             TOO MUCH        MONEY ON
                    CIATI ES, NE6LECf THE                                   CHILDREN,    BURN              YOUR   TOAST IN THS
                    MORNING . . . .                                                                                .
    JACK : }5mas .

                .    . (SOUND : SVE4L AND WHISTLffi)
    JACK : Maybe it's lower on-the d1a1"~'.~

                                           :SQ,UFARNDWHITL25)JEY                            .(SOUND
                                                                                                                                   .., l.a....x,. .~ s .Jc ~
              : AND NOW., FELLOW MQASBt3 OF THE L4DII5 AUXIIJARY,
                                                                                                                                   PAIS MY
                    PLEASURE TO PRE4PTlT CUR OUPST OF HONOR .
~ (APPIAUS&)
    CB




                                                                                                      19   rxoi            00205     2   5
                                                                                          -17-
     k:
          IADIES IT'8 A PhBASURE TO BE WITH YOU TODNC . .AND AS A

          MFSiBER OF THE LOCALCHAMBFR OF                  COMMERCE,        IP EEi. IT'S MY

          DUPY TO DEFEND OUR           PAIR    COMMCfIITY      AGAINST      T}WE

          DISPARAGING RffidARP.B         ABOUT THE       SMOG    CONDITIONS          IN THE          LOS


          ANGELu4     AREA .     TH6Y SAY THAT SMOG IS A M ENACE, BUT I AM
          PROUD TO SAY THAT I WAS BORN IN THISCOMMUNITY AND RM1VE

          LIVID H6RE FOR THiRTY-SI7 YFAHS . (STARTING WITI: THE NEXT

          SIIffINCE MEL STARTS TO SNIFFIE AND SNUFFl.E , WORKING IFTO
          COCOH9 AND CILIffiNO AS HE GOES AIANG TILL Hg                             15   WfffiINO


          AND CHOKING TO DEATH) I'LL ADMIT WE DO AAYE A VERY MINOR PROBI   EM   ,   BUT   TREY .
          WOUID HAVE YOU BELIEVE THAT T R RE HANGS OV$R                              THE    CITY A
          THICK, SHRCUD-ISKE PALL CF FOMF3 WHICH                       TAINT THE


          ATMOSP}g;RE, AND         RESTRICT      VISIBI'LTTY . NOW              THIS      73 A

          RIDICULOUS       UMTRUTH lfHICH I DENY BECAUSE EV$[tY DAY I --- I
          --- (at this point, he has a long spasm anQafter choking
          to death yells)


JACK : Gee, . I got        everything        but   what    I want tolieten to .WKw_c r.,.c.
                  (SOUND : STATIC & WHI3TLffi) 1l' -~0u"""1
(PIANO INTRO)
SARA : (SLT]GS) I MAY SENM PROUD '

                        I MAY ACT GAY
                        IT'S    JUST   A POSE, I'M NOT THAT WAY                      41-.   A    .    ,_/ < ~
                  (SOUND : STATIC WHISTIM) v L~---1--4,^-^L- ~
JACK :    MW IF l r the, smog d oc sn't            hurt    at all .
                  (SOUND : $TATIC WHISTL*34)


CB




                                                                  HTH01 0020526
                                                                  -18-


RYAN : (SHAKF.SPEARIAN ACTOR) (DRAMATICALLY) FRIENDS, ROMANS,
             CGUNTftYMENh LE3'7D ME YOUR THE EVIL TINT MFN DO LIVEi

             AFTER THQA . THE GOOD IS ~4 INT:d2RED WITH THEIR BONES .
             SO LEP TT BE WITH CAESAR .

H6RB : THANK YOU, MARC              ANTHONY .


JACK : What?
HERB : THIS N&WS PROGRAM WAS TRANSCRIBED Fsar .rsa FOR RELFASE AT

             THIS MORE CONVENIENT TIME .
         r
JACK : U4f( , This I don't     understand    at   all .      .

Iffi B : WE'LL BURY
   R                        CAESAR   IN JUST A MINCTE, BUT FIRST A WORD FROM

             OUR   SPONSOR .


JACK :       4%    Tor heaven's sekes . . .Rochester, can't you get that
             television     aet fixed?
ROCH : I'M         FIXING   m' .   I'M   Frxrnt .         rT,       ~

JACK : What's wrong with,this radio set7~ :.~nr~      ~=-
           w .,.xakC:,~         i:.,, .             /i .
                  (SOUNID : STATIC & Wfff3TLES) `CL

ELVIA :      SOMEPIMF4 I'D STAY OUT TO(SJIATE AT N7PHP,nAND IJAUdAYS
                     .
             HAVE ACC H~EN TS~LE DRIVING YOUR CAR, AND I LOSE THE RENT
                       ~-Ix .~h : (S.h, c~ . .n ._
             MONEY PLA)CING ,,  CANASTA AND , I'LL ADMST THAT I'VE LET MYSELF
             BECOME   MkTft    iA SLOPPY, BUT YOU'R3 NOT GOING TO   LEAVE   ME,
             ARE YOU, JOE?
HEARN : YES .

                    (SOUND : DOOR        SLAMS)


JACK : ~_'Joe had a big part . . .YihY can't I get the wrestling

             matches .
                    (SOUND : STATIC & WHISTLES)

NELSON : 0000000000C0H, HAS THIS BEFN EXCITING .

CB




                                                          RT 9 01 0020527         1
                                                                 -19-

JACK : I've got it, I've got it .
NELSON : YES, THIS HAS BEEN THE MOST EXCITING WRE4TLING MATCH WE'VE

          HVNR SEFN . . .YOU'VE JUST HEARD A STATEM6MP FRCM TH6 WINNER

          OF THE MATCH, AND NOW C,QMING UP TO OUR MICROP%INE FOR AN
          IIITEHVIEH IS THE LOSER .9.~AuYµOU IIJ.ST THE MATCH WHEN THE

          REFEREE GAVE YOU THE SUBMISSION SIGNAL . . .NCW CAN YOU TELL
          US WHY YOU GAVE UP?
(PIANO INTRO)

SARA : (SINGS) HE BROKE MY ARM

                     TORE OUT MY HAIR

                     AND IT WAS MORE

                     THAN I COULD BEAR

                    WHEN HE STOMPLr),Mi NEOK, I HAD TO SAY . .

                     I SURRSNDFII2 DEAR .
JACK : Well, this is the oreziest thing I~er heard . . .I'm going
          to a movie . :~

(APPLAUSE &   PLAYOFF)




  CB




                                                Rrxo    1   oo2o 2e5
                                                                         1
•/ BROTIERBOOD WEHC ALipCATION                                            -20-


     JACK : Ladies and gentleamn,this is Brotherhood Week sprnsored by
                   the National Conference of Christians end Teva, seven days
                   set aside to remind us of our responsibility to our
                   neighbors evexv veek of the year! It's a reminder that

                   this country wes built by people of every race, every
                   creed end every color . That mixture has been our

                   strength . Let's keep America strong by living Brotherhood
                   -- let's keep it "One Nation, Under Cod ."

                   Thank you .
      (APPLAUSE)


      DON : Jack vill be back in        just a   minute, friends, but first,
                   I'd like to say something   important   to you   olgarette


                   smokers .




          CB




                                                           AT}!01 0020529
                                                                                 I
THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
LUCKY STRIAE Opening : 1 .36 Closing : 1 .32
THE JACK BFa7NY PROGRAM
FEBRUARY 27, 1955 Tota1 ; 3 .08
CIDSING CObA'lHSlCIAL

WILSON : Jack will be back in just a minute, but right now,
                   here's a suggestion for you .

LIGHT                    UP            TIME               '
JINGLE !{1 - .21 sec .

                    (SOUND : TIC   TOO -    6 BEATS)
GROUP :            Light up a Lucky

SOLO :              It's Light    UP Time


GROUP :             Be Heppy Go 7lacky

SOLO :              It's Light Up Time
                                                                               ~
                   For      the          taste         that   you      like   ~
                                                                               j
                    Light Up a Lucky Strike

GROUP :            Relax!

                    (HUM GLISS)
SOIA & GROUP :      It's Light Up   Time


WILSON :            That's a grand idea for a pleasant Sunday evening at

                    home -- or any time at all when you vrant to enjoy a
                    really great cigarette -- just lean back and light up
                    a Lucky . Because every Lucky you light is sure to

                    give you better taste . And here's why : First,
                    Luckies are made of fine tobacco . Lucky Strike means
                    fine tobacco . Light, mild, naturally good-tastine
                    tobacco . And then, that tobacco is toasted . "IT'S

                   TOASTED" is the famous Lucky Strike process that

                    tones up Luckiest fine tobacco, brings it to its peak

                    of flavor, makes it taste even better . C7eaner,

                    fresher, smoother . Result : Lucky Strike, the best

                    tasting cigarette you ever smoked!

CB                      (MORE)




                                                        R7H0 .1 0020530
                                                                                   I
    THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
    UJCKY STRIKE
    THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM
    FEBRUARY 27 , 1955

    CLOSING COMMFRCIAL CONP'D
    WILSON :              so right now, friends, or anytime at all when it's
    (CONT'D)
                          light-up time for you -- Be Heppy - L}o_ uo I Make

                          your cigarette - better tasting Lucky Strike!

      GAT UP TIME
       ~GLE - wO .13 seo . (SHORP CIASS)

    SOIU @~GROUP : For the         taste   thq ou like
              ~                    /
                          Light upoky Strike

    GROUP :       \   t    Nowl
                                GISSS)

    3     Ligh        up    a    Lucky
        SPOKIN)
i
    SOIA & GROUP : It's Light P T1me




         OB




                                                          8   TH01 0020531
THE AMERICAN    TOBACCO COMPANY
LUCISY STRIKE
F'~EBRUnCRx 2955~~M
CIOSING COFATRCIAL (CONP'B)

 (OPTIONAL)
LIGHT UP TIMg
JINGLE - #2 .20 sec .
GROUP :   Light         up   a Lucky


3010 :              It's Light UP   Time


GROUP : Be Happy Go                Lucky


S0L0 : It's Light UP Time
                    For the taste that you like

                    Light up a Lucky Strike

GROUP :   Right        Noq!

                    (HUMS GLISS)

T0 : Light up e Lucky
  POREN)
SOIO & GROUP : It's Light Up Time




          CB




                                                  flTX01 0020532
(TAG) (TAG FOR FHB .                     27     SHG'd)           '21'


RCCH :    GUR ,   BOSS,   IT'S A S}NME THE WRESTLING MATCHES WF7iE      OVER


            BiFCRE I CGULD    GET   THS TII IrLSICN SL•T FP® .
                                          LE


JACK : Yeah . . . Well, gosh, it's too early to go to bed- . . . I
            knox vhat I'll do . There's an all night superymarket
            down on the corner and I'11 go down there now and buy

            ourThanksgiving turkey .

RCCH : THAT'S A        GOOD IDEA,    BCSS .

FE2B : This program was transcribed earlier for release at this
            more convenient time .
JACK : .,~-(-,Yeeh yeah . . . . . gocdnight, folks .

(APPL4(U/SE & MUSIC)
DGN : The Jack Benny Shovr tonight aas xritten by Ssm Perrin,

            Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Hal

            Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced end transcribed by

            Hilliard Marks .




DY




                                                       R   rxo   1   oo2o   533   1
FIERBERT TAB .. .F'YTON                                               - -
                                                                       22

tR    302F



              Filter smokers! Here's thetrue tobacco taste you've

              been looking for . Filter Tip TAREYTON gives you all the

              full, rich flavor of TARf .'YTON'g famous quality tobacco . . .

              and real filtration, too! Filter Tip TAREYTON

              incorporates Activated Charcoal, renowned for its

              unusual powers of selective filtration and used far and

              wide to purify the air ve breathe, the water and

              beverages we drink . Look for the red, white and blue

              stripes on the package . They identify Filter Tip

              :.4REYTON, the best in filtered smoking .
              ^



              The Jeck Benny Program was brought to you by the

              :=erlcan Tobacco Company . . . America's leading

              menufacturers of cigarettes .




 D1




                                                     prxo   1   oo2o   534
r•F-SO[ oo   60H .IN
                                                             . R, N. 16
                                                         v           j'/24
                                                                      SCRIPT


             A MERICAN   TOBACCO    COMPANY
                      IIJCKY              STRISE              /.///~~~~ ~
               T_HE JACK B,RNNY     PROGRAM       •~~ '~+~--•-^~-~`'~ ,,z- "

SNffiX+Y   MARCH      6,    1955            CBS        4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST
               ranscr          -   ~ ..   `',I'95u )


             CAST :      JACK BENNY

                         MARY LIVILG'iSTONE
                         ROCRESTER
                         IENNIS INY

                         TON   WILSON


                         SPORTSMEN QUARTBT

                         MAHIAN M gtRICK
                         MEL   BLANC


                         JUNR'   EARLE


                         NILL    WRIGHT


                         HY AVERBACK
                         GUEST :     DANNY KAYS




SV




                                                 Ar 801 00 2 05 3 6            I
 THC AXII2ICAN TOBACCO COh1PANY
 LUCKY STRIKn Opening : .59 Closing : 1,54
 THG JAQK BENNY PROGRAM
 MARCH 6, 1955 Total : 2 .53

 OPENING COMMII ;CIAL

 WILSON : THg JACK RENNY PROGRAM . . . transcribed and

                                presented by Iucky Strike the cigarette that

                                tastes better :

 LIGHT UP TL'4E
 JI M LL. - -§ 1 .21 sec,
(SOUND :T1CO-6BEAS)GRUP

                     :    Light   up      a    Lucky


  90L0 :                        It's   Light Up Time

 GROUP : Be Happy Go Uacky

  SO     IA :              It t s Light Up Time
                                Lbr the taste that you like

                                Light up a Iucky Strike

 GROUP

                      : Relaxt (HUM GLISS)

  SGIA & GROU? : It - s                Light   Up Time .
 WILSON : This is Don Ytileon,                             friends,     ar3 you knov, the right
                                time for a     Lucky Is    anytime you feel like en j oying
                                a really great cigarette . The right place? Well,
                                that ' s any place you happen to be at the time . It ' e

                                true, you can depend on a Lucky to give you better
                                taste evervtime it ' s light-up time          .   That's   because
                                of the truly fine tobacco that goes into every
                                Iucky Strike     cigarette .    I6/tgT -- Lucky Strike
                                means fine tobacco . ., tobacco that ' s light and

                                mild and good-tasting . An9 then that fine tobacco
                                is toasted . Yes, before that            naturally good-tasting


                                tobacco is made into        Lucky   Strike cigarettes, IT ' S
 RT TOASTED to taste even                                    better .     (NqRB)




                                                                          A T Y!O 1   10020537
TFE AtRItICAN `lOBACCO COBIPAST!
LUCKY STRIKC
THG JACK SDNNY PROGRAM
MARCH 6, 195 5
OPDNING CO144IIACIAL (CONT'D )


UIISON :           Cleanor, ^•eshei!, smoother4 So, vhen You buy your
(CONT'D)
                   next pack or carton of cigarettes, reqte)ryber :
                   Luckies taste better . . . and Be Happy +.,Co Iucky i


~NG .UP3TIDfG13 sec
                      . (SHCRT CIt35D




OPTIONAL
LI(HIT UP TL[M
.TINGLR #2 - .20 sec .
GROUP : Light up a lucky

SOIA : It's Light ;p Time

($tOUP : Be HanpY Gc Dack

       : It' s Llpkit 'ip Tim e
                             ySOL

                    ,or   the tas :e that you like
                   Light up a       :u   cky Strike
GROUP :            Right    Now t
                    (fNT1 GISSS )

     IA :          Light    up a =ucky
     SPOI~N )
3010 & GROUP : It's Light Lp Time .
RT




                                                      ATX01 . 0020538
                                                                                                                  _I_


(FIRST ROUTINE) (MENPION T .V
                                                 . SHOW) (AS7ERCOM ENCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DGN : THS IUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, 3'PARRIN'a JACK'BBNNY :~'WITH
                    MARY LIVINGSTONE, .ROCHESTER, LENNIS DAY,$OB CROSBY,
                    AND "YOIJRS TRCLY" DON WILSON.

(APPLAUSE . .MJSIC UP AND DDWN)

LON : LADIES AND G5NPL5MEN, TONIGHT JACKMOM DOgS

                    ANOTHER TFIEVISION SHOW . . BUT MEANNHILSSdST'S GO

                   BACK TO YESTEtDAY'S RADIO REHEARSAL HF:PE~AT CBS . AS

                   WE LOOK IN ON THB REU';~ARSAL STUDIO, JACK .HASN'T

                    ARRIVED YET, AND TELG PROLUCER, HILLIARD A1ARK3, IS

                    LISTENIHG TO THE ORCHESTRA .

ORCH : ,-~~DOES AJCOUPLL' BARS OF ANY LOUD TUNE)
HY :     ~                       .L~hlon,dMAfi
             ~ . Hol\d- .-1Pt, :Ma
       .ON : All right fellshs, cut,~--t, c-•---~ ~

                     (ORCH@STRA STOPS)                                                          _




  RLON : Anything wrong, ~ Hillierd?
  '~ Yeah Mshlon . .that's the third time you'Ye go

        \ through that niunber and I still think aolreo should
                     be leying tenor sax .

MAHIIJN : So do I,but we                            can't                              work Bridwe)LY outof his

                     streightjecket .'-

HY : Nell, he should heve th, ht of that before he went
                      over the well . . .w e character .

MAHIAN : ldell, it's you                                                          eult that Bridwell!s in that
                      straight,j t .

BY :      i Look, only accused him of steeling my . .etop~ch
                      o iming insanity was his own idea . . .Now Mehlon, L~1
                      tbe boys to bs quirL -I!m_gnnna heve y1~i oast xged \ I
                      through the sorlpt4. .(UP) COME ON EVERYONg . .MARY, DON,
                      IBNNIS . .GBT YOUR SCRIPTS .



                                                                                                    RiXO7-0020534 -
                                                                                                     _p_


V](iRY : I got mine .
 DON:~ Ne, too .

I I7ENNIS : He om, seen                                    my sor       U+'~

 HY : Md you have nam3 on it?

 LENNIS : No, you can ' t mis s-t-,-it ' s shaped iike                                         a   paper

                 at .

 HY :/       Well,                            take another script . .now       pay   at tBpFfion everyone,
             let's have a good reading .

 LENNIS : Boy, is this a waste of tims .
 HY : ~ What do you msan?

 lENNIS :`W,What's the sense of reheersing the script now . .the
             most important person isnltA~ :-
 NAHYL,~ --~rDennis is right . .                             tkift      sort of   silly   to go ahead

              without Jack .

 IENNIS : ~ I was talking abou• .ttm sound man .      .
                                                        .
                                           •~-~ ...~ eci~
 DON : Now wait o minute, IBnnis .A You shouldb't say that .
              Jack is the most importent person on tl7e show . HeIs

              the star end be's very talented .

 ltdr?7IS: Oh yesh, teke Now cut thet out" ewey from him a
              what have you got .
 DON :        W      ell there I s                    . .well   uh      --


 IENNIS :     Go on,what-have you got? WeI
 DCN :                                       . . .I don!t~knowr..t`` s --

 IEMiIS :      No faii~                          countin   "HMI+49 ."
 DON :         I mey be old feshiored but I donlt tbiuk itIs right
               for any of us to talk in this disreopectful ~On
               about our boss . .                                              ---

                                              (SOUN.D : CHAIR SCRAPIN3)
  SV




                                                                               arxa I oo2 o 54 o
                                                                                                                                                  -3-

MARY : IBnnls, why'd you move over next to me .
I7ENNI8 : I don't went to                                                                have    anything to do              with   that     big fet

                            yes man .

AY : Easy kids, easy . . .I wonder what's keeping Jeck . . .it's
                            not like him to be                                              late           for rehearsal

       :    Oh,                             he'll                    show up in a minute . .And fellehs, weit'll
                                                                                                  .MARY
                            you see him . . .Oh Brother

   : Why, what's the metter, Mery?
                              :DON
MARY : Well, Werner Brothers called him up and told him they
                             went to make a big feature picture celled '^The Life

           . of Jack Benny ."

HY : & LEN : TRE LIFE OF JACK BENNy?                                                                                                     .

MARY :      Yeah . .And you know, fel ahs, since Jack #'ound out about it, he
                                                                                '   s   absolutely            unbearable . .I . pever sew

                               such                conceit                          in   all    my         life

       : Well, with all-his talent, :.e's got a right to . . . . . .
                                    .DON
           C           (SOUN17 : UDOR                                                           OPENS)                              ..

DON : Oh, here he comes now
        : (V"RY RITZY) We1l . . .He11o 3verybody . . .He11o Donald .
                                 .JACK
DON : Hello, Jack .

 JACK : Hello, Iennis, sry .led
           : Eello .                                                                              .I&+NB
 JACK :     Mahlon .

 MAHLON : Hello
        : How do you do, Miss Llvings :one
                   .JACK
        : Take off that monocle .                                                                                   .MARY
 JACK : That's not a monocle . .I broke my bifocels and
                                  managed                          to           save      obe "oca1 . . .3ere Donald,                take    my



                                  gloves end cana . . .Thenk-](Yew . . .There .

 °uV



                                                                                                                            prxpa . ,ooaosa         1
                                                                                        -4-

D&NNIS : Gloves end cane . .oh boy, are you snooty!
MARY :           Dennis, the lg oves are snooty . .the cene is neceeserv .

JACK :       Go        ahead,   go ahead, have your little fun, .but you ' 11
            ~~~~ all    apologize   when you know whet ' s heppetied to ae .

DENNI9 : ILK, We know, we know .
                                                                                 &~
DCN : Yes, Jack, Nary told usAIM Warner BrDthers weas
            ,/ going to meke a picture about your life .~

JACK:            Yes air, the sem3 studio that mede the .life of T3mile

                 Zole, the life of Louis          Pasteur,     the   life   of   Mark


                 Twain . .and now . .the life of Jack Benny . ,

      NFARE - TWO TRUMPETS)
JACK:               THAT
                   T~OUT!

DENNIS : You see, 17on,                       .that l s a il
                                         u-age~
                                    yo

JACK :      Whet?

DGN : Nothing, Dot-hfng . Say Jack, have th
                         how they ' re gonna go     about    presA n'Ving your 117e, .1

JACK : ~/Well naturally,it~ll be episodicF They're gonne
                  trace my entire career and Snclude everyone that S
                  played a part in it . From the shopkeeperwho so -

                  my~first-viplin end the kindly old .vaudeviilian who
         ' gave me the idee of.teRii:g--Jokes on a ptege . .down i
                                -            t
                through `those whose advice and ancouYag nea~ t heve

                 Jaspt me before the publi c

 Lb S : ~~, I hope they change the nartes to protect the innocent .
 JA        , "
         . v~ Youlre just jealous,-~6,                                    .-,~           ,

 DENNIS :         Why    should I be jeelous? Somedey ti y~ m4~ ~,r"

                  life    story .

 JACK : They already did . .it wes                  called     "Idiot t s Iklight" . . .

                  &ft2be=q2t*t .


 SV



                                                             Arrso    1     oo o 2   542
MA            Jack,    I still don't get it .

JACK•        ou     don't          t       on .
                                         whet              Mehl           /
MAHLCN :   We1T;,I've seen lots of ttiese ibgraphicel films .,
            end therels.alvevs some so Son . excitement . .adventure .
                        \
JACR : Ara you kiddlns~~ en tMhlon, you meq not believe
              this, but ife he en one edventuTe after
              onot it started when I n ewsy from home to                                  face



              the   world   ell by myself .

              How old were       you?                                 ~.

              Thirty-two .

JACK : ~ I was twentv-two . . .I remember because I didn't nt
           I to leeve until I finished high school . . .(Thirty-two) .
     _We11, kids, I4ff have to leave you now . .Rochester is
               veiting in the car to take me to tlerner Brothers .

RY : 41sit a minute, Jeck, we haven't                            rehearsed      the script

               for tomorrow .
 JACK :    Well . .you can manage without m3 .

 DCN : Oh nQx'we need you he ~ .ve can't get along without
           ~~ you .

 JACR : lyt ., That's silly .
                      Jeck, you're the one              that    keeps us on the right

               pa ^^4H out ur              g   uid'@nce        and   yourfeel for
                                                (~

               comedy we'd be       j   stR .ve w•ouldn't knop which                way   to

               turn.
 JACK :    Well,        Don,   it's nice of you to sr7                 that .


 nCN : Whet else do you expect from a big fst yes men .

 JACK :    Hmm . . .well, if       you'll       all excuse me, I            can't    keep

               them    waiting    at Warner Brothers . . . .CCmson              Mary,     I

               went you to go with ms
       :   Ckay .                               .MARY



                                                           flT 901        0020543
                                                                                                          _6_

      CCG '---"-,                                                             l
                                                                                  ~-
DON : ~ Jack, before you go, von't you-Nsiaint listen to the
           Sportsmsn .

JACK : Oh,4& they have a number prepared? ~

DONa Ye4,they're going to do a novel version of,Alexander's

           Ragtlro3 Band

JACK :                                          . Well, you go ehead end reheerse it, Ibn .   . .X've got to

           leave . . Coma on, Mery .
oac        But Jack, don't you,think you ought to heapthe~berr

JACK :                   k, ibn, I'd                  like   to stay    for       the whole ~ arsel . But

           this pic                              is   very in@ort ant to ~ life story . .

           you know I've ne left ybefore                                          the middla'.ofe reheareel

                                           . .end believ , I~d              t feel rightf'„doing it, but

           how msny t                                 doee an acto r get- U           opportunity like -- I
                                                                                      \
IENNIS : Oo a dy .

JACK :     FDmn . . If I didn't need this cane I'd breek it ove                                                e
            heed . . Cone on, Mery .

                                             (SOUND : LOOR      SLAM)


DON :        All                right, boys, teke it .

      .RCIAL)
 (COMMG

 (APPLP.USE)




                                                                                    prx   01   , ;9 20
                                                                                                   0     544
                                                                                                                                        -A-


QUART
        : COME ON AND HG4R COI4B ON AND HEAR

                AI8'XANLER' S RAGPIME B4ND
                COME ON AND HCAR, COME ON AND HFAR

                IT'S THE BSST &+ND IN THE IAND

                THEY CAN PIAY A BUGLL+ CALL

                LIKE YOU                             NEVER


                                                                     HE4PUBEFORB THAT'S JUST THE ffitSTEST   BAND   WHAT AM

                HONEY IA MB

                COME ON                          ALONG,               COME .ON AIJJNG                                           .
                IE'i ME TATLE YOU BY Tf                                                           E          HAND                   .

                UP TO THE MAN, UP TO THE                                                                      MAN


  .                         .
              . WHO'S THE IL0 UER OF THE BAND
                AND IF YOU WANT TO HFhR

                THE SWANFE R1VER                                                PLAYED                        IN RACfl'It4E         .
                COME ON AND HEAR, COME ON AND HEAR

                ALEI(ANIER'S RAG TIME BAND
                 COME ON AND                                       HEAR,             COME ON AND                     HEAR


                 'BOUP A SMOISE T'HAT'S REALLY GRAND COME ON AND

                                                                   BEAR,              COME ON AND                    BEAR


                 IT'S THE                              BEST          BRAND IN TRE IAND

                 SeTPGR TASTING LUCKY STRIKE IS THE SMOKE 79PT YOU RL LIIE
                 JUST TANE A PUFF YOU'IJ, ENJOY 'EM SURE BNOI;GH•

                 THAT'S JUST THE BESTEST BRAND WHAT AM .
                 HONEY                     LAMB
                                                                                   (MORE)




                                                                                                                              flTTS01 0020545 1
                                                                               -AI-

V NT :       C014E ON AIANG, COME ON AIAPT, .
  ONT'D)
             JOIN    THE       MILLIONS NNOAGRE E

             ON LUCICY STRIK6, IT'S LUCKY STRIISE
             GIVE ME L4MFT

             AND    Tf   E   RE I S A   REASON   T1II1i"NE SO PLFAS IN '

             AS YOU KNOW TfEY'RE TOASTE D
             CO ME ON AIpNG, AND JOIN TNG T3Q20NG

             PLFF A LUOhY STRII E WITH M .
(APPIAUSE)




                                                                   Rrxo    l   00 0
                                                                                  2   54   e   1
                                                                                                               -7-

(SECOND ROUTIDE) (SOUND
                                                      : AUTO MOTOR AND HORN)

JACK : Take it easy, Rochester . . .Wetch where you'fe going .
MARY : Oh Jack, don't be so nervous .                                                                  .

JACK : I'm not nervous .
ROCH : YOU MJSf BE, BOSS . . .YOU'RE TSId,IN' ME TO TAKB IT EASY AND

                       Y0U'RE IYiIVIN' .                                                         .         .

JACK : 3lhet? . . .Wait e minute, Rochester . . .k.Rxn westarted out
                       you were driving . . .What happened?

ROCH : REMg6IDER THAT BIG BUMP WE HIT BACK THr'33E?

JACK: Yes
       :                   .ROCH
                       WELL,       WHEN           THE       P80PLE PUT US BACK IN         THE   CAR, THEY POT US

           IH WROtU .
      ~~ ~         ,                                       S-(. - . .
JACK :4C.--Oh . . .Oh . . .Oh . . .^ well, you take the wheel,now .
                                   (SOUND :b%1TORUP)JACK
       : And hurry up, I went to get to the studio . . .Sey Mary, I
                       just thought of eomething . .If they're goiTig to make the
                       story of my life, I shouldn't only be eoting in it, I

                       should direct it

       :Jack-ACK                                              .N'ARY
       : And not only that . . .Hho knows my life better than I do . . .
                       I should write it too .

MARY :                 'dell, ~i,f,f you do a .11 that, you might as well produce it .

JACK :                 Yeeh, .'RI cen see it now . . . Pne Life of Jeck Benny ; . .
                       starring Jack                       Benny,       directed   by Jack Benny, written by

                       Jack Benny and produced by                             Jack   Benny .




ff   R&~ F-__ m= "~g~
TH



                                                                                     prxoi       0020547
~ BREAK
R0                               THE    MON_~

JACK :    Oh . Z d                ow . . .                thing wrong with the billing

                6ee!         the Life of        Jack   Benqy, _s ar               k Benny,

            directa d by Jeck Ben and r d b a nn .

MARY :      (LAUGHS)

JACK :      What are you leughirig at?                                        .

MARY :      I'll      lend    you my girdle aEG you          can   be your .own leadi ng

           `~ledy .

JACK:       '4k} thet 4ff      be go   ing too fer . .Gee, I wonder iC We

            Brothers notified the prass that I'm doinge pVUretti

             'em .

ROCH :   M1&1ST         HAVg . . .IT WAS IN THIS 6URN2 3 PAPSR .

JACK : Ree11 who ran the atory, Jim Sterr?

ROCH : UH IIH .
JACK :Louelle Parsons?
ROCH :       NO,     BUT IT WAS RfeFiT BEIAl4-W COIAbQ1 .

JACK : Below?

ROCH : YSAH, WAS IN "BELIEVE IT OR NOT" .
JACK:       t?
ROCH : THEY GAVE IT MORE 8PACF THAN THE CAT ' .JITH T'HIt1iF
      % : Oh, stop meking things up .
MARY : Jeck, there's the Werner Brothers' lot .

 JACK : Oh yes . . .Rocbester turn up that driveway .,

 ROCH : YES SIR .

                         (30UHD: CAR MOTOR UP FOR A FEN 3EC,bNLB)




 TB




                                                               O   r o8   1   oo o 2   54    e
-   1W
                                                                                                   -9-

         JACK : Gee, the lot Ss pretty fu11 . . .Oh, here'e a space right Sn
                       the middle . .park here, Rochester .

         ROCH : OKAY

                              (SOUND :                 CAR PUIJ.II((t TO S'TOP. . .AS F N(iIN6 D1E5,
                                                     THFAE I S A HAII, OF GUN SHOTS, . .ABOUT
                                          EIGHTORN)MAY
                 : Say, that sounded like gunshots .

         JACK : Yeah . . .they must be making a --
                              (SOUPID : ONE 6UNSHOT)

         JACK : Covxy picture .
         ROCH :       ~L,
                     YM SON       O    DY BEPPEE '1'EId,     I   EM THIS AIM'T TI M       STAGECOACH,


                       O 1t IqST ONE WEN1' THRU THg RADIATOR .

         JACK : Say, you :re right . . .It :s that parking attendent over
                       there -- HEY MISTER, WHAT'S THE BIG II1F R OF                    SHOOTING       AT US .

         MEL :        You   took the Space reserved for Mr. Jack Waifier .

         JACK :      0h yes . . .he
                      .*               always was       touchy about that, . .8ut look,

                       fellah,   I'm   Jack Benny and I've got an appolntment                     with    -

         MEL :     Jack      Bennyl ,                                                                            .

         JACK : Yes .

         MEL : The or.e that starred Sn "The Horn B .ows at M].dnight" .
         JACK : That's right, I did that for WarnerlA fifteen years ago . . .
                       did you see it?

         MEL : See it, I directed it .

         JACK :Weil, of course, Hennan . . .I                    didn't recognize        you . . you've

                       c^tten thin .
         MEL :         Yeah, yeah, thin .                   ,                '
                                          C.t, .. L
         JACK :    . . But Hestan . . .I dwsDk        understand     it . You      were    doing so      well . .


                 ~ how come      they've     got you out here on the pavidnglot?


         TB




                                                                         f)T 1lO 1 0020549
    MEL : How come . . .(BUIIDINO TO A RAVE) A11 my life, I .wanted to

                           be a dlrector . . .Sbr years I etudied and etar0ed, trying to
                           learn the profession, . .every little job they put me on I - Q

                           did with perfection . .rAnd finally they notloed me,
                                                      .\     .~, .lns~     .     1         1     nA
                           beoame an asslstsnt di c3 :oir was on my ilAy up . .`.d*-~-''"•
                           suddenly I was a dlrector . . .bV thing I did was right . . .

                           I was turning out hit after hit . . .I had mons4y, respect, I

                    ' even von an Oscar, and Yta : YOU came along .,. .YOU AND THAT

                  r IDUSY HORN 3IAH5 AT MIDNIGHT . . .                         -

    JACKWTAke St easy .                                                           ..

    MEL : (BYSTERIOALLY) WHY, WHY DIU YOU HAVS TO                               COt~   INTO MY

                           LIFE . . .I U M) TO   DIRECT PICTURES,        NOW I'M-DIRSCfING

    .                    . . TRAFFIC .                               .                 .

    JACK : Herman, put down that gun .
    MEL : WHAT DO YOU CARE, I'M POINTF$ IT AT MYSEIF((OOES OFF
                         /~ 50 ING WIIDLY)
                                     G .-

        JACK : ~4,lYee . . .he's a complete wreck . . .I feel sort 6("responslble . . .
                         ~,Rochester .,

        ROCH : YES, BOSS
                     : Let Herman :ark the car and give him a dimetlp . . .0ome on,
                                .JACK

                           Mary . . .2 don't want to keep Mr . Warner waiting .

    MUSIC : (BRIEF TRiANSITION INTO)

                                     (SOU;m :    FOOTSTEPS   IN CORRIDOR)

        JACK : Here's Jack Warner's                   office, let's       go in, . WAP

                                     (SOUD : DOOR OPENS)

        JUNG :Yes?JACK
                     : I have an apFointment with Mr . Warner . I'm Jack Benny .
l
        TB




                                                                           RTYf01, 0020550
(


      JUNE :        Well, he's in conference, would you mind vaiting .
      JACK :        Not at a11 . . .Come on Mary, let's sit down pvQr here . . .

                    (HUMS nYOU OU3HT 7b BE 1N PICTURE3")

      MARY : Say Jack, look at that fellow sitting on the other side of
                    the room . . .Isn't that Danny Kaye?
      JACK : Danny Kaye . . .Wner?MARY

            : Reading that newspaper .
      JACK : Oh yeah . . . :qP$ 4e used to be such a nice kid .

      MARY : Used to be . . .What did he ever do to you?

      JACK : What did he do to me? . . .Didyousehmn_~-L
                   ..    _              .
                                .: . ,"~' nook o Wo~l"{, ~nd '4~ihite Chriatmas"? ~ rt~--L

~   MOY : Ye, and he vas 9Sn all of them . .sWhat about St?
      JACK : What about it? Who has three hits all inone yeae .
                    What's he trying to do,shov up Humphrey PogaYrt aA William
                    Holden and the reat of us?
                                                                              ,-----

      JACK :                                                         l
                    Cet tTie-w ay-ha .sits Lhe~r-e-~~ea_dinq ~hat nexspapar . . .that
                                               _




    I ncneh~lent manner . . .and look at`-che .- ression on his

      ~ece . . .loaded xlth oonfidence .
    L MARY :        You know, Jack,         I can ' t understand 1t . . . Ev ery time

                    somebody makes a little progress, you get sore at em .
      JACIC : I do not

            : You do too . . .when Lassie got her own
                       .-MARY                                        television   show

                    you were so mad you bit her .



      7B




                                                                   RT4f01 -002055 1          1
                                                                                         -12-


JACK : I bit her, I bit her . . . I snarled at her ono4 and you

                  make a big thing out of it . . . Anyway, this 19 different . . .

                   I practically gave Danny Kaye his start . . .Why, I remember

                   the day he oame to me for advice-M I was f0o1 enough to



MARY : VWw#t Jack, Danny sees you and het s coming over .

JACK : Oh well,                     I'll       just have to hide my feelinge . . .(IiUMO Otd+.

                   STRAIN       OF IAVE IN BIAOM)

KAYE : Hello, Jack . Hello, blaxy .

MARY & JACK : Hello, Danny .

                   (APPLAU3E)
KAYE : How are you, Jack?

JAOK : I'm fi~n-e, fine . . .Hoaleyurmth,Dany?-KAYB

        : '#6EB Fine .

JACK :Tr And your father?

KAyE :    k"     ,He ' s     fine too .               .

JACK : Well, the next time you see them, tell !an they certainly

                   have a louse for a son

        :                       .MARY
                             Jacki                                             -

JACK :                 WelLl4                                             -   -

I(AyE ;         3WS ; vhat's the matter, what happened? . . . .I thought we

                   were      friends ;

JACK : Friends . . a lot you Imow about friendship . . .I heard about
                    that rw~or you're spreading around that you ;re the

                    greatest comedian in pictures .                             ,

KAyL : But Jack, I didn't spread that rimior . . .and I'm sorry I'm
                    having such a good year
                                           .              .JACK'Ohsure,


TB




                                                                              Ar 801   002055    2
KAYE : An3 1f it'll make you feel any better, I'm sorry yM I

            ever oame to Hollywood,

JACK : I'll bet . I suppose they had to twist your axm to do

            ~    "Knock             On     Wood"            aM                   "Nhite



KAYE : Well, I'm sorry they were a success and that I was funny

            in +em .

JACK : ---nIIIG SORRY DOESN'T HELP . . .YOU MADE T8-S--PiR-GTUI2ES, YOU k'ffi~

            aIT, AND THE DM7AGE :IS DOTig . . . . . .-i3 too late to

            apcleglze .

MARY : 011 Danny, donIt pay any atteny1on to him .
KAYE : ?3ary, what's the matter with
                                      .1OW
MAAY : He's jealous of anyone that's a big success,
KA4E : Gosh Jack, I wouldn't hurt you for the wo~dh . .I know how
            you love show business . . .I wouldn't do anything to take
            the bread and sargerine out of your mouth .

JACK : Go ahead, go ahead, keep talking . . .I know what you're

             th :nking
      : ?7c Jack, you've got me all wrong . . .I've always been your
                   .KAYE

             far, . . .Yhg I've followed your      career   for years .

JACK : '!cu've followed 4y, . . .Rea11y4 . . . . .We1KAYE
      : Sure, Jack, and I could never hope to become as popular

             as you used to be .

JACK : USED TO BE?

ISAYE :     .(EX'CITED APID FAST) I ND~AR USED TO WAS ., .I, ~MEAN (DANNY
      ' ~ MIRSS WORDS UP ?1'IIIING WPPf3 - AS YOU ARE

                   .s better .                                 .)JACKW~-,That'

TB




                                                            Rrxo 1 oo 2 o 55 3
                                                                                         -14-

     KAYE :       Honestly,            Jack,    you've    always been my idol . I         think


                  you ' re the greatest comedian Sn the world .
     JACK :       . . . . . .You do?

     KAYE :       Yeah,       I       think   you t re swell
     JAC% :           . . .Well, then           I'm    eorry I acted the way I did,Darmy . . .
                                                             .Oh
                  I   . . .   I think you ' re pretty           swell,   too .

     KAYE :(4M:But you're sweller that I em .                                                                 .

     JACK :U No, no Danny `youre the swellest .                                                    ~
     KAYE : No,          Jack, you're               the swellest .

     JACK : Well ----
     idAHY : As soon as the swelling goes down, oan I get a word Sn , .
                  here?

     JACK : _ Oh, I ' m sorry,                 ~s   ry . . .Denny and I were     just   oomplimenting

                  each other . . .lh            say Danny . . . You   know Jeek Warner sent for

                  me because he :s going to make a pieture of ;my life . . .And

_~~ _~to shor(, you how i uohc~ ly like you, I :m .going to ask
     ~~^^-~  a cG iha ..,t ~
     J        J
            them if they den : ind something for youtdSnmpicure
                                  .

     KAYE : Oh gee, that'd be wonderful .                                                         '.
          )" D
     JACK : ,~ 'Now Dann since I ' m going to be in the                           picture,   we won :t

                  need another comedian, but we' ill need @ musioal n .mber . ._~

                  Do you have a~ ~ ;thing like thatjou could do?

                                                                                                        -~-
                                                                                                   ,Lhc J         .




     TD




                                                                       FlTKOi       9020554
                                                                                                      -15-

(TBIRD RCtTfIIvE)
JACK :   A   . Dan that was great . .I+11 flnd room for that in my

              picture              if I have to out myself out of one                  scene .


KAYE :        Thanks Jack, Irho                  ,   you can fix it .

JUNE : Oh, Mr . Benny, Mr . Warner will see you now .

JACK : Thank you . .Come on Mary . .you too Danny .

                              (SCII6ID : F&7 FCCTSTEPS ANf)              DOOR OPENS)              .

JACK :        Hello          Mr . Warner .

KAYE :        Hello          Mr . Warner .

MARY : iiello Mr . Warner .

WRIGHT :      Hello Jack, hi ya Denny, hello Mary . .slt down .

KAYE : Thank you .
JACK : Thank you .

MARY :       I ' ll go out and get a chair for                          myself .


JACK :        Oh      excuse me, Mary . Take my                    chair .                    .

WRIGHT :      Well Jack, I *t bet you ' re pretty                         excited      now that                we're


              going to make the story of your life .

JACK : Yes, I'm quite thrilled .
WRIC3Pf : We've got the whole thing laid out, Jack . .We,ptart with
               the day you were born, then oomes a                             scene   %Q     ya you l re

               starting school, your                   first      date with a       girl . .          Your

              Creduation . .YourenlstmihNaAren

                         '   t you doing a scene when               f   made   vp   first bank

              {ieyosit2                                             ~                     :
             .aYS~sE}~$Aea, that was the day IM were born .

SACK :        *04~0onlt be so funny . .Anyway, that picturbts going to

              be directed by me .

WRIGHT :      You . . .you+re going to direct the                        picture?


JACK :         I t m going to write it, too
                                                            .TB



                                                                               arx   01               00   2   0555
                                                                                                      -16-

WRIGHT :                    Oh . .direct it and ltrite it, eh?                                    .
JACK : Yes airl WRIGHT

                         : Who's going to supervise it?
JACK :                    I    am .                                                ,
WRIGHT : Who'e going to prodtioe it?

JACK :                    I    am .
WAiOHT : Who's going to finance it?                                                       .

(IANO PAUSE) KAyL
                    : (ON CUE) May I have the next dance with :you, Miss
                               Livingstone?                                                   .

JACK : Danny, please .

WRIGHT : Now look Jack, we've been making pictures'for a long time
                     - and youtre not going to tell us how to rw) our business .

JACK : Wel - WRIOAT
                         : Now get this . . We're going to make a plcttllFe called The
                               Life of Jack Benny, and you're not going-to direct it .

JACK : I'm not?

WEIGHT :                      No . .Ard you're not going to write it, supervise it or
                               produce it .

JACK :                          . . .We11 . . . . I guess you're right . . I s: :oul: d be satisfied
                                                                        . __ . .    ,      ~
                                just starring in it . . . . . ` .. . .

                               m'eickbnt~l

WEIOHT : (SIAWLY) Well Jaok . . . .that's what I wanted to talk to

                               you about .

JACK :                          . .. . . . . .   Mary ;,~efL~me~ l chair ,. . .What didyou . . want to

                                talk to me          about,   Mr .   ~,I   arner?

WRIGHT : Well, we feel that somebody else ought,~tp .play the part

                                o f Jac k Bennyf, L,~~'~-                            ._
 JACK : Somebody else ~ .,'ffor hr~aTen'e sake, what's the matter

                                with me?



                                                                                   RTXO90020556              I
                                                                                                                -17-

WRIUNT : Well, .you've been Jack Benny too long .

JACK :       What?

WNIGNT : We feel that we ought to inject some new blqod .

MARSC : New blood, any blood will help
     : Mary, qgt keep out of this . .Well, look Mr . Warner, if you
                                       .JACK
         -        don't     think       I'm   capable of playing myself                               In   my   own


                  picture, who did you have in mlyd?
WRICHT : Danny Kaye .

JACK :            Danny     Kayel                                                                     .

WAIOfIT : Yes, that ' s                why    I sent for him .

JACK : You sent                 SM      . . .DANNY . .DANNY,       DON'T            JUST SSf .                  F . . SAY

                  SCME17RNG .
KAYE : (DCFS IANG JFTtR NCIIPINE)                                                                 .

JACK : (ILA'ERRUYtS)                      Wait a           minute, WArP A DSINUPL+, WAIT A

                  MINCTE    . . . .   Now Danny-1 W$ 8, you knew about                            this      all the

                   time .

KAYB : No I dldn :t, Jaok, really I didn't . . Thie is alla . . .~--~
                   surprise to me .                                                                       L

JACK : 7magine even thinking of raking the picture of my life

                   without     my being         In   it
         .,~                                         .~C-("
WNICNT : „ Jack, I             didn't         say you weren ' t going to                  be in             it . . I have
                   scmething very important fcr you

JACK :                                                                 .Youhave?

WNIC31P.t;,: Yes . .youl re going to play the part of yourfather .

JACK :       k


WRIGHT :         l Yes .J.Danny Kaye will be your son . . .and I think Mary vill
                   be excellent          In    the   part      of Jack t s childhood                       sweetheart .


KAYE : So do I .

 JACK : You keep out of this
                                                     .TB



                                                                                   pr   901   ,           0020557
                                                                                                                            I
                                                                                                        -18=

    KpYE :      Yes,'                     ' (~~"-~                                     A
    JACK : Don ' t 21                :d yPu~`t~a~tor,
          (l.- (i ' ' - Cv~'C .~ ..,1lN
                            me,,1et
    WRIGHT : ~All right boy out 40 thia-a~g . .'Ik,w~ a
                  scene I want you Vto try, Danny . .Itfs where gou oome in and ,

                  ask your father for money to buy a violln„You read_the

                  father's               part,            Jaok,                    ~

    JACK :      Okay,-~                       I :ll never knowr^`yy,~

    WRIOHT : Stop mumbling, .GO ahead, Danny . . mber, you :re asking
                  your father for money . .and you're Jack Benny at the age of
                  nine,

    KAYE~.                         ,~Paps . .(DOES JOMB7PD BABY TAiK)

     JACK :       WA7T A MINVrE .,WREN I WAS NINE YRARS OLD, I COtJID TAIKI

    nl _      . r .m^ •e it 1 ht .
                      ad r g

    WRLj\P : Go e1Shafl, Deuny . .ASk the old me.n again .
     JACK : Hmm .J

    KAYE :        4ft               . .(CSEARS .THROAT)                 (THEN    IIi JAPANEBE DIALECR)

                  Popa, pops,                could       I have          it     four dollars for to buying

                  avioln?JpCK

           : V    aw               h a minute   Vorw.      .What :a the Sdes^oP dqing              Japanese?


     KAYE : Well, isn ' t                    Waukegan       inJap?ACK

         : No it ' s in I111nois . . .Jeepersl
           ` f ~                         ~       ..w,i . . .
     WRIOHTi ~Try t again, Dsnnyro 1 oeH S u ' re a little                                             country


                  boy .                                    J

     KAYE : Okay . . (AS                    GOOFY    RBBE) Hey psw, paw . .duh .,Can I have

                 _four uh dollars tq buy a violin? . .HUh, Paw, huh4

     JACK : ~KNai stop it, ~mtrop.•~3t . .What do you think I Nas when I wae
                                a kid . .a moron?    .
\
     MARY : And besides, he outgrew it ._

     JACK : Yes . .haavens to Betsyl

     TB




                                                                                       pr o ;oo os e
                                                                                           8   1   2      5
                                                                                                                 I
                                                                                  -19-


                         .~~tter try it ea,e city boy .
WRIGtIT :' A e^nny, you1l~

KAYE : ~'~eity boy? . .~.~(B$OOHI,YN DIAL80T)                       Hey Pop, Pop,


             kin I put de bite on        yuz   fer four frogekina           tub   buy a

             fiddle? . . Corte on Pop, vhatcha say? Whe'tche say?

JACK: NOW COT TAAT OUT . . . LOOK HFRE, MR . WAffiM .,IF THIS IS

             TNE WAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO THE STORY OF MS LIISE, YOU CAN

         `   IItOP,T}SB WHOIE TNIN3 .
         w
WRI(B : ^ ALT~hIGHT, THEN
    T                            WE    WON'T MAKE    THE   PIC'RR   E   .

JACK :"-U,NOW IY~'1"S NOT B*S,~NAS17,' _                    . .WW1T'S BOTHF,RINJ

             YOU?

WRIGHT : YQU RE' BOTFN :RIN3 ME AND I'M SICK OF IT . .Wg'Rg NOT GOINu
             TO MARE THE LIFE OF JACK SENHY .

JACK:        WELL, THAT'S OKAY WITN ME . .G00LBYE : . . . . Come on Mery,

             come on Danny .

                     (SOUND : LOOR SIAMS)
             Who does he think be is . .pulling that           stuff        on    m   .

             Well, don't let St bother you, Jack .

JACK :   '•.Believe ae, Maxy, it doesn't bother m in t least . If
             Warnars can't aee what a greet picture life story'll

             meke, that's their loss, not mine . re are plenty of

             other studios .

KAYg : Sure, Jack, sure . :one of~ is bound to teke a chence on
             90U .                             ~

JACK: What do you m3ep4hsnce . . Whpt other actor can boest of
             a string of its like "Charley l 'Aunt", "To Be Or Not To

             Be!", ' uck      Benny   Rides Again", 93e u      Washington                 Slept

                 e",   "The   Horn    Blows   At Midnight" .

                     (SOUND : TNRE'E FAST GUNSHOTS)
TB




                                                     ATX01 0020559
"v/ TNg JACK BFNNY                        PEiCCRAM              "C-
   g~ /~ga ~6,~1955



  DON :   Jack wi11 be back in just a minute to tell you about his

          television show which goes on immdiately after this

          prograom over the CBS Network . .,but first herels .a wo :d

          for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette .


  WILSON : Jack will be back in just a minute to tell you     about


          his television show which goes on at seven      o'clock   over
          the CBS Network but   first   here ' s a word for anyone who
          enjoys a good   cigarette .




                                                   RTYS01 , 0020560 ~
                                                                                      ----- --i ~
       TAE AMERICAN TOBAOCO COMPANY-
. .J LUCRY STRIISE
    - TFd ; JACK BENNY PROGRAM
       MAaoH-6, 1955
- CIASIN6 COMMERCIAL

     WILSON :           Jack    will be beck in        j   ust a   minute, friends,   but

                        first let's heer that catc hy Lucky St rike "Light-
                        up Time" tune again .

     LIGHT UP TIME
     JINGIS - #1        .21 sec
           ND   :     . TIC    TOO   .SOD - 6 BEATS)

     GROUP : Light up a Iuoky
     SOUJ : It's Light Up Time

     GROUP : Be Happy Go Lucky

     SOLO : It's Light Up Tims
                        For the taste that you like

                        Light up a Lucky Strike .

      GROUP :       Relex!



                     : It's Light Up Time .
                        (HUMGLIS)O&RUP

      WILSON : Yes sir, when it ' s light-up time for yoU, light up
                        a Lucky, You couldn't make a better                 choice!      Here's

                        why .    Lucky      Strike is the      cigarette    offine, light,

                        naturally good-tasting tobacco . Lucky                  Strike   me ena

                     . fine tobacco . And Lucky Strike is the cigarette

                        that's toasted . Yes, IT'S TOASTED to brfng Luckies
                        naturally good-testing tobacco to its peak of flavor

                         so thet it tastes even better . Cleaner, fresher,

                         smoother . "Fine tobacco" end "It's Toasted" add
                         up to real, deep-down smoking enjoyment for you .
                                                  . (CONTINUED)

      RS




                                                                       Rrx 01    0020561
THE AMERICAN T OBI C CO COMPANY
LUCKY STRIl 3
TJE JACK BENNY PROGRAM
MARCH    6, 1955
CIL)SING COMMERCIAL (CONf I D)
WIL40N :           (CONTIN[giD) So Be Happy, go Lucky! Bpy 4 carton

                   end try 'em out . When you light up, I'11'bet you

                   find a Lucky is the best-tasting cigarette you ever

                   ;moked!

L OPTLME
JING #i            .13 sec
                         . (SHORTa SOLO & GROUP~ For the taste ~you like
                                     ~
                   Light p e'9.ucky Strike
                          ,                                                       .

                   P.Ltht Now:'-                        _,\                `

                   (HUM
                   ~_ GLISS)

SOLO :

                   Light up a Lucky

           GROUP : It's Light Up Time



                    .20 sec .

GROUP ;            Light up a Lucky

SOLO :             ?~Is Light Up Time

GROUP :            Be Heppy Go Lucky

SOLO :             It's Light Up Time

                   For the taste that you like

                   Light up a Lucky Strike

GROUP :            Right Nov!

                    (cUM GLISS)

SOLO :
(SPOIEN) ?'_ght up a Lucky

SOIA & OROUP : L :Is Light ilp Time
RS




                                                                           Arxo 11 , oo2o562
                                                                      ----=- - _ ------- ~
                                                                                                                 41-    (BSV1sF.D)
(TAG)
I19flNY : Gee, I t m sorry they ' re not going to do the                                                         picture   of

                              your life,                        Jack .


JACK : Oh, that ' s all right,Danny . After all, I ' m pn radio and
                               television .                           As a matter of fact, I do a televlsion show

                               tonight .
DANNY : You do? Gee, I I d like to see that . . You know I I ve never
                               done any                    television .


JACK : Wel-., Danny . . why don't you walk over to the TV studio
                               witn me .

IYsNNY : Looi, I walked over to your radio show and Wound up doing a free guest shot
                                                                                       . From now on you walk alone .

JACK :                      .y
                         OW- . . Goodnight, Danny . . see you on TV folks .
 (APPIAVSE                                                                                     &      MuSIC)                         -   ,
DCN : The Jack Benny program tonight was written by Milt                                                                                     .

                               Jcsefsberg, Jchn Taclmberry, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman, and
                                produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .




                                                                                                         fiTXO1 1 . 0 020563
V/
                                                                          -2Z-

     HERBFStT TARYTON

     Ra   301P

                   Filter smokers! True tobacco teste . . .real filtration . .

                   famous TAREYTON quality . . .tbey're ~Llj yours when you

                   smoke Filter Tip TARSYTON . Filter TipTAffiiYTON gives

                   you all the full, rich taste of TAR„wYT'pN'S quality

                   tobacco end real filtration, too, bec8q,se Filter TSp

                   TAId ;PTON incorporates Activated Charcoal, renowned for

                   its unusual powers of selective filtration .Lokfrthe

                        .red, white end blue stripes on thegpackege . They

                   idenfify Filter Tip TAEMON, thE best in filtered

                   smoking .                                         .


     LON : The Jack Benny program was brought to .,you by the

                   Americen Tobacco Company . . America's3eeding

                   menufecturer of cigarettes .                  .




     TB




                                                      H i 7fQt ;002 056.F
                                                                                 I
                                                 (JBR9)
                                                 PROISRAM i,25




              AMERICAN TOBACCO C0IAPANY

                    Lt IC KY STR MI
               TRE JACR BINNY PROORA4


STMTDI%.Y, 1II=aCR 13, 1955 CBS k :0o - 4 :30 PM
            (TRANSCRIDID - OCT . 11, 1953)




           CAST : Jack Denny
                   Mary Livingstone
                   Rochester
                   Dennis Day
                  Bob Crosby
                   Don Wilson
                  The Sportsmen Quartet
                  Will Wright
                   Lois Corbett
                   Mel Blanc
                   Frank Nelson




SE




                                          n   rx01   00   205 6 5
w
    THEANERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
    LUCKX STRI KE                Opening : 1 .00 Closing :                                                                                      1 .24

    THE JACK BENNY PROGRPM          -
    MARCH 13,        1955       Total : 2 .2k
    OPSNING CODRAEROIAL

    WIIBON : THE JACK BENNY PROGRBM . . . transcribed and presented
                                by Lacky Strike, the cigarette that tastes betterl

    LIGHI' UP TLC
    JICpIdi - #1 .21 sec .

    SWFID :TICO-6BEASGRWP
                        : Light up a Lucky

    SOLO : It's Light Up Time

    GROUP : Be Eappy Go Licky

    SOLO : ItIs Light Up Time

                                For the taste that you like

                              . Light up a Luoky Strike

     GROUP :                Relax ;

                                 (fNN.                 "vIZ33)                                                   '.

     SOLO & GROUP : It- s Light Up Time,

    WIISON : This is Don Wilson, frienHs . I ho-ne that the very
                                 next time it's light-up time for ycu,

                                                                                                                       .qou'll get the ezjoyment - the real deep down sai enjoyment
                                 that comes with lighting up a Luc ,Because

                                 iuckies taste better . A Lucky tastes better

                                 because it's made of fine tobacco . IS/MF1' - Lucky

                                 Strike means fine tobacco . Fine, mild good-tasting

                                 tobacco . And then that fine tobacoo .is toasted .

                                 That's right - it's toasted . ., to .taste better .

                                 "IT'S TOASTFD" - the famous Lucky Strike process

                                 tones up Luckies naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco to make it taste even better

                                                                                                                      . Cleaner,

                                 fresher,            smoother .               So Be Happy - Go Luckyl

     MG




                                                                                                   Rr o :oo2o 66
                                                                                                          9       1                                5
THR AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
IJJCKY STRIILB
THR JACK RENNY PROGRAM
MARCH 13 .1°55


OPENING CWffiDI.1L (CONPID)

LIGHP UP TIDM
JINGLE - #3 .13 sec . (SHORf CLOSE)
SOLO & GRWP : For the taste that you like

                 Light up a Lucky Strike

GROUP :   Right    Novl

                 (HUM GLISS)

 OLO ; Light     up   a   Luoky
~SPOKEN)

SOLO & GRW? : It's Light Up Time




 G




                                            arxv   I   4002056?
NJ
     TRE AMERICAN TOBACCO CGMPANY
     LOCKY STRIICE
     TRE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM
     MARCH 13, 1955


     oPEN INO aGgmzER cIAt, (coN V n1

     (4FTE4m)
     L1ffiiT UP    1-   IIQS
     JINGLE -      #2          .2G sec .

     GRGUP : Li$ft up a Lucky
                     i
     SOLO :        It ' s Light Up Time

     GROUP :                       Be   Happy   GoLicky

     SOLO :                        It ' s Light Up '!~'Sme
                                   For the taste th'at you   like


                                   Light up a Lucky`Strike

     GRGUP : . '                   Right   Nowl


                                   (RUM GISSS) ~
                                   Light up a hucky ~




                                                                    flr 901 po2osss
                                                                                      I
                                                                      -1-

(FIIiST RGL"INE)

(APTBR CC40ftCIAL, Mf6IC UP AND .17JWN)
DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRU4, STAHRING JACK 9,UM . .H1TH

              MARY LNINGSTONG, ROCHI :STER, ilENNIS ilAY,BOB CROSBY,

              AND "YOURS TRULl"' DON NIISON .                  .

(APPLAL53      . . .MOSIC UP AND DOL/N)           .
DON : iADIPS AND GKNfL@M, AFfIIt LIVING FOR FxFTIM YEARS

              AT THE SAME ADixiL9S lN BNNII',LY HILL4, OUN LITTLE STAR

              RECENTLY D8C7DED TO PUT HIS HOUSi UP FOR SALB . . .SO

              iYP'S GO oUP TO CAbIDIIV DR1V8 47HfT2L 41S .PIND JACK

              SHONING A PROSPbI :TIVE BUYEN TiQ20UGH THB }+RIsMISFS .

JACK : Well, I gue ::s I've shown you about everything, Mr,
              and Mrs . Bor.len .                          .

WRIGHP : it's quite a nice house .

LOIS ;        ?es, it's just about what we bad in m1nr1 .

JACK :     soal . . .goo:1 . . .Naturally, I wouldn't want to high
              ?ressure you into a sale because I don't believe in

              - oing business that way . . .but where else at the price
              oan you find a home with this square footage, quality

              ~f woMaoanship, choice location, and---

WRIGhT :      :'r . Benny, you're squeezing my arm .

JACK : = h?•• .Oh . . .Oh . . .I guess I got carried avay . . .(SII.LY
              ;AUGH) Anyway, T'm glad you like it

     :     Yr . Benny, to maintain a house this size I Anagine you
                                                .UJIS
              =ust have a butler, a gardener, a cook, s chauffeur,

              an upstairs maLl, and a 1lovnstaris maid .




SE




                                                 Rrx 01        002056   9   1
                                                                                          -2-


JACK : Yes, yes, I have .

WRIGHT :       Well, where are they?

RGCH : IBRE I AM, SLH .                                                                             .

JACK : Hochester --
RCCH : Ip I EUER GEP FII2ED, I CAN CCLLTxT THEW$ UNBdP1AYMENf

               C :-ECK4 .

JACK ;         Hever mind .

WRIGHP : Well, Mr . Benny, I think we've seen e1l we need to . . .
               an9 we'11 lat you know . Come along, 'lartha .

JACK : But I haven't even told you about the nei4hbors . . .Oaar

              $ee, right next door are my dear friends, Mr . and Mre .

               Ronald Colman

         : (LML°RIBSEC) Mr . and Mrs . Ronald CeiMn
                         .IAS

         : Yes, 140am . . .Hero, look out this wirAow . . .That's
                                                      .JACK

               Ronnie and Benita's house
           : Where?                                           .WRIGfP                .

JACK: Right there . . .You can just make out the tip of the
                chimney over his fence . .
           : Say, that's some fence .           .se?6fRIGtP

ROCH ;          YCL'   SHOULD     SEE IT AT PIIG3P Wf                   M   Tf EY SHCCT .ELFX:TRICITY

                THROUGH      IT
         : Yes, yes . . .JACK .Well, Mr . Borden, this house'geems to fit

              your needs . . .an3 if you want to leave aamall deposit,
                I' 1' be very happy 10 ---

                            (SGUND :    CIAYA}S)                                  -

 JACK : Excuse .me, folks . . .(iRiISPIIiIIV ;r) Rochester, I thought
                tha: plumber finished upstairs .



 SE




                                                                            8   r 9 oa oo2 o 5?o
ROCH : (WHISPERIHO) N0, HE JUST HAll TO 00 BACK TO THE SHOP

            POR NARE TOOLS .

                                         (SOUND : MOFE CL4NG.S)

JACK: Oh, for                                        heavens    uakes . . .(UP) I'11 be          back   inasecod,flk

                                      . . .Hochester, ahow them the closet                         space               in this

            room and the hall .

                                         (SOUND :              FOOTSTEPS GOINO UP STAIPS)

JACK:    }Cs . . .jujt as I had the deal almost closed, that darned

            plumber had to start pounding on the pipes ..
                                         (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . . .POUNilITR'r OF }WM]EEi CIASER . . .

                                                               i700R OPE[VS . . . P'OOTSTEPS )

JACK: Say, fellow . . .look, fellow, I'm trying to sell the
            house . . .WouldyminbegaltmorBquie?MEL
     ; (MDO_•.E1') Look, Bud, I'm in no mood for oomplaints .

JACK : Why, what's the matter?
MEL : What's the matter? . . .Dirl you ever spend three hours on

            your back lookint up at the bottom of a rusty sink bowl?

JACK :   Huh?

MEL : This ain't CYnerama .

JACK : Well, I ---

MEL : Well, next time, think before you criticize .

JACK : I'm cot criticiz5,na . . .I just don't see why you have to
            make such a racket with that hammer .                                                  .

61EL ; Because the haumier is made out of                                                metal     and the pipes

            is mc:ie out of                                    metal .
                                                                                    C4 -
JACK:       Well,                       isn't there oome way you                    om   f4dmuffle the sound?




SE




                                                                                      Ar 901                           0020571   1
  .
M^[. : Sure, if you' 11 be kind enough to help me

     : What can I do?                                                                   .JACK

MEL : Put your head between the pipe and the hqrteaer .

JACK : Look, ,iust finish up the job and get out .of here .
             ~ (SOUNi) ;lDORBIAM&+TSEP)JACK

     : ~ban't understand St . . .Other people hire plumbers,
           and get a plumber . . .I hire a plumber atr]'get a
           Milton Berle .

                          (SOUNil : RAPID ROOTSTEPB i70WN STAIR4)

JACK :   . Well, folks, as I was saying---Roch---ROOhester,

           where's Mr, and Mrs . Borden?

ROCH : THEi LEF`P, BVP THEY SAD) THEY WERE II'TiIIOTED IN T}Q ;

           HOUSE ATID THEY'D .THINK ABOUf TT .                                      .           .

JPDK : Oh, well•• .1 hope they ---

                          (BOi1Nil : DOOR BUZZER)

JACK : I'll get that, Rochester . . .it's probabl9somebody else
           who wants to buy the house

                                                                (BO[JNil
                                              : PO(YiBTEPS . . .. D70R OPENS )

JACK : (VERY SWEOPLY) How do                               you   rlo . . .step right---Oh, it's

           you,        Mary .


MARY :     Stop        bowing, I'm not going to buy your                          house .


JACK :   lM . I know . .•COme on in•
                          (SOIINU : IX)OR              CLOSE)        ( \~. .. ~' ,_... . .

JACK : I thought it was another proapect .1 .they've been
           coming in droves .

MARY: No soul---sale yet, huh?

JACK : No, no soul yet .

SE




                                                                      HTX 01            0020572
                                                                                           -5-

MARY : I rehearseq, too .

JACK : Yeah, I know . No, Mary . . .no sale yet . . .G ee, I                                 can't


                   understanu it, Mary . Here's a beautiful                        h   ome . . .28

                   rooms . . .gorgeous           grounds . . . large    swimrsi.ng pool . . .aczl

                   thelocain-MARY
             :     Jack,            you're saueezinR mv arm .

JACK:              Gh . . .I'm sorry . .

MARY: Let me ask you something . . .Why do you vant to sell

                   this house, anyway?

JACK : Look, Mary, I'm here all alone . . .just m8 atvl Rochester . .
                   What do I need with a house that has twenty-eight rooms?

MARY : Jack, you mean to say this house has tvepty-eight rooms?

JACK : Certainly . . .there's the kitchen, the dlning room, the

                   living room, the 1en, the library, and three                            bedrooms .


MARY : That's only eight .                          What   about the other twenty rooms?

JACK : Gh, I never use                         those .     I've   had   them   closed      up for

                   years .
MARY : You've had them . : .closed for . . .Jack-ACK
             : You see, Idon'treally neeQ---

MARY :Jack-ACK
             : ---jo many rooms, you know, so I only ---,

MARY : Jack _--                                                                .

JACK : What is it, Mary?
MpgY; Jack, what ever happened to Kenny                                 Baker?


JACK : Gee, I don't know . I never thought of that . I don't

                   know . . .He came over to my house about fifteen years

                   ago, LO that's the last I jaw of him . . .Anywayi Mary,

                   since I :ion't need so many rooms, I deoided to get a

                   smaller house .

                                    (SOUh7 :   DOOR BUZZER)




                                                                    HTK09 00205 7 3
                                                                                                        1
                                                                                                              -6-

JACK : COME IN .
                             (SOSIND :DORPFIJS)lVN

              : Oh, Hello, Mr . Benny . . .Hello, Mary .
MARY : Oh hello, Dennis .                                                                       :

                             (SOLINil : il09R C1ASN5)                                           .

JACKe Come in ano sit down, k7d .

DENNIS : ihanks . . .Say, Mr . Benny, I saw the sign .out in front
                   of your house that says "For Sale

          : ^_hat's right, kld .                                                     ."JACK

Dffi9NI5 : How           m   ch do you want for it?

JACK :            A hundred               thcusand dollars .

DENN19 : For a little sigo like that?
          : For the house . . .Dennis, I'm trying to s911 the house .
                                                       .JACK
DfiNHIS : Oh . . .well, I woulcin't buy it .

JACK ;             Oh, you wouldn' , eh? . . .Well,      -y                       Dennis,     I've got news
                   for
                         ycu . . .in :he first                       place,       noborly ;ssked you to buy

                   it . . .and in               the           secorrl place, you coulQp't a£forrl to

                   buy    it .

DENNIS :           IP I diln't wcrk for a cheapskate, I could

          :        . . . . .Mary . . . .                                                            .JACK
          :        Do   n't look at I only thou ht it, he cakl it .
                                  .MARY                                       g




JACK : Rtldlc, Dennis, I don't want to g0e7t into s long routine
              - with you, so sing the song you~t."lpeL do on the

                   show before t :-e gang gets here, wiil you?

il    INw :
     EN            Okay .                            .

JACK :          '.dary, get me a blass of water .

DFSSIIS : Here's an asp=in .

JACK : I have my own . . .]ust s1ng .
(APPLAL5E)
(DFNdIS'S SOiG _°Oi2ANfn7t")
(APPLAUSR)                                                                                      .



                                                                                  Rrxo 1 oo 2 o 574
                                                                                                          -T-
      (SEOONa   ROUTINE)


      JACK :     Dennis . .ilennis, that            vas    very   G   oo] . .a beautiful song .
      DA3NNIS : Gracia j .

      JACK : Thank you . .You knox, I can't understand . .I can't
                 understand hou anyone who sings so beautifully can come

                 in here and act like you Ao . .What makec you behave like

                 that?

      DENNIS : I don't know . .I'm just a Meshugganah mixed up kid .

      JACK : I'll say you are .

      MEL :      (oFF) (HOZt ERS)             HEY, MR      . BENNY. .N R . BPaaNY . .
      JACK : Firm, it' o that plumber agaln . .Yb.AH,                        W   HAT        15    Ii?

      MEL : bUULD            YOU   TURN THB WATIIt         ON   FRCM THF SFRVICE PCRCH?

      JACK : CKAY . . .RCCRF9TE3i .
      RCCH : YEi,         BOSS .


      JACK : kiULD           YOU PLEASE        TURN THE WATER           ON   Iti THE SLRVICE PCRCH?

      RCCHf      (OFF)        YEi SL2 . .(LCP G PAUSE) .          4W     W.ATER'S ;CN,              BOSS .


      JACK :     THANY4 . . .HEY, PIA MSn"'tt, THE WATPR'S CN
           ;:   GWY                                                              .M6I

      JACK :     jkj   E YCU ALL FINISITEJ FIXING THE SINK?

      MEL :      NCT YET .

      JACK : If~nN WHY DZ7              YOU   W?_N'   TO   HAVE THE WATu.R TURNEJ                       ON?


      MEL :      I'M     DIRTY,       I WANTA TAKE A SHCWIIi .

      JACK ;     WAIT A MINf7PE . .WIISC        X   N'T YOU TAKE A SHCWEt                        ON YOUR OWN


                 T'ifG?
      MEL :     I      GOT   llIRTY    ON   YCUr ?IME .

      JACK : I 7JN'T CARE . . .RCCHESTER, TURN TRE WATFji CFF .

      RCCH : P?'S CFP, BCSS .                                                           .

      JACK : What a crazy plumbe^ .
                             (SOUND :       DCGP.BUZZER)
Isi



      SE



                                                                        Arxo 1 oo 2 o 5?5                       I
                                                                                          -8-


JACK : I'11 get it . .7magina a guy like that .
                            : FOOTSTEPS . .1700R OPEPS) .(SOIMD

BOB : H'ya,         Jack,


JACK : Oh, hello, Bob . .come on in .
                    (SOUND :     il00R CLOS TS )                          /

JACK : Eberybaly's here but                  Don   Wilson .     sft!~j   oon bs he comes,

          we can rehearse .              .
BOB : Oh Jack, I just              bumped       into Ronald Col .avinln                 front of


          your house .                   .

     : Ronnie? . .What 1id he.JACK           have     to say?

BOB : Oh nothing . He put a rabbiti's foot on your For Sale

           sign and went home rrhistling .

JACK : Good old Ronnie . .alxays xlshing me luck
    : Jack, is that sign out in front just a gag,or are you
                                              .BO
           really trying to sell your house?                                        .

JACK : Well of course, I'm trying to sell it . '
BOB : Well, What are you asking for it?
JACK .    A   hundred    thousand dollars .

BOB :    A    hundred    thousand uoi :a^s :BrothelJACK

     : What 9o you mean, "Bro -, :er"?                                    ~

BOB : Well, my brother'o the only one th&t's Got that kind of
          dough .

JACK : Oh . .oh . .oh . .oh .
NMARY : Say Bob--                                                               .

JACK: Well, sister, hov are ycu?
                                                                          -   ri ,1. .,
MARY : Say, Bob, I thought you
                  ?obertt
                                                          ~J J
JACK ;     It's


6fARY : Bob, I thought you siere going to bring the,band                                   over

                                                                                            I
           today so    we could have a complete rehearsal .                                     .




                                                                 RT 9 00 0020576
                                                                                                    I
                          ~~~                                  -9-
                                                                                                  E
BOB : .S-+A,I was, Mary, but I Called Bagby the piano player and

                              he sairl that to0ay all the boys in the ba :xihave gone
                              to a tailor to have new tuxedos made
                                                                  .JACK
                          : All the muaicians in the baod? . .New tuxedos?

BOB : Um hum .                                                  .                 . .

JACK : What are they celebrating?

BOB :NationlWine k,JACK

                          : Oh . .You know, Bob, I'm a little surprised that they

                              drink anything as mild as wine .           ~

BOB : Oh sure, they do, Jack . .they drink a lot of beer, too .
JACK: Beer?                                                                   .
BOB : Um hm . .in fact, they had the answer to "What'11 You Nave?"

                              before Pabst had the question .

JACK : That I can believe . .That'u the only band I evor saw
                               l~er the bass   fiddle   has e~ bung bole in it ; you know .

MARY: ,7 J~r.okwhy Bo you_ Bpb elways pick on th'8orchestra
                              boys? It's none o your business what kind of a life

                              they lead .                 ..

JACK :~,~ ook, Mary --
MARY:'n :r ter week you're always picking on them .ansulting

                              vhem . .you never have a kinc wonl to say about them .

JACK: Look, Mary .

                          : They've been with you for years and you ought to be
                                          .MARY

                              ashamed of the way you constantly run them down .

JACK: Mary --
MARY: ?St.er all, your only concern shoulLi be whether or not
                              they play good music .

JACK : Oh, I see . .anxl you . .you think they play .g0od musio?
MARY : Well, they could if they weren't always Orunk .

SE



                                                                    RT i901 00205, 7 ?
                                                                                              1
                                                                                              -10-

JACK : I thought so . .Now Bob, as long as the boys
                                                                             :^in the band are get ing tuxedos, tel them to Please wear them on

            the show .

BOB :       Well,     I will, Jack .
JACK: An:1 one more thing . .I have a request from the California

            Chamber of Commerce .

BOB :       Well, what's that?

JACK: Well, they wrote me a letter saying that Sf Sammy the
            drummer can't grow hair and won't wear a toupay, won't
            he at least paint a ste:n on his head so it'll look like

            an orange . . .Nov the reason that--
                      (SONNil :DCORBlZ)JAK

        : COMG IN .
                      (SOSIfU : DOCR OPENS)

JAC$ : Oh, hello, Don
                       .DN
     : He11o, Jack . .Hi, everybody

 .ANG : (?> LIBS F1II.LOS)                             .C
JACK :      Well,     I'm glad you           brought        the Sportsmen .with you . . .llon,

            di] you see that sign out on                      the front   lewn?

ilON :    Yed .1c,T noticed that, Jack . .are you really going to sell

            this house?

JACK : That's right, Don . . .Hey, vhy don't you buy it? You've

            trie' it on enough . . .You know, :•WiIfMft too big, we can
                .1

            teke it in a little aroun9 the Ve.ntry .

BOB : Hey Jack, why don't we get this rehearsal over with? I
            vant to go out to the driving re : :ge and h1t some golf
            balls .

MARY : 5ay , I'd like to go with you,                          Bob .




S&



                                                                  flT 801,. . 0020578
V



    JACK : Allright, kids, maybe we'11 all go . .but firat let's get
                   on with the rehearsal .
    DON :What kind of a shov are we going to have? '
    JACK : Well, Don, the first half is all written, but we're
                   not sure what to do for the last half . I'd 11ke to do
                   something different .
    tML : How about doing a satirical version of apsychological
                   drama?


    MARY : Say, that's a pretty good iaea .
    JACK : Mary, what are you talking to him for, he'ss the plumber .
    MARY : Oh, I thought he vas one of your writers .
    JACK : Well, that's a stupid mistake . . when he pronounced
                   psychological right, you shoulda known he vasn't        . . .Nov
                   look, Mister, we have a rehearsal to do . . just go finish
                   your job .                                       .

    MEL : That's what I came to tell you . I'm all through .
    JACK : Good, good .
    ME[. :   C
             C   k~But there's something I think you oughta kGOV .-
    JACK : What?                                                    .
    MEL :We11, there vau a leak in one of the pipesand while I
                   was tracing it, it led me way to the back of the house
                   on the top floor . .and in one of them unusedrooms I saw
                   a fellow with curly hair sitting there eating Jello .
    JACK : What?

    MARY : Jack, that must be Kenny Baker
         : iIo no, that's impossible .    .JACK

    ROCR : MAYBE IT'S THE GAS MAN .                             .

    JACK : That happened in the basement . .Look, Mis2er, you didn't
                   see anybody up thera . .probably just a hallucination .

    MII . : Hey, that's a good word .


    SE



                                                        flT7lO1         0020579
                                                                                                      -12-

JACK : Yes yes . .Now as long as you're through wJ .th your job,

            you can go .
MEL :    Okay . . .goodbye .                                                          .
JACK : Goodbye .

                       (SOUND :                    FEW F00'1"TEPS)                         .

JACK :       Now   kids --
MEL :    Oh,       pardon    me, Mr . Henny . . .is your                    house         still for

             sale?


JACK :    Yes .

MEL : Row much            you     vantfori?JACK
     ; Look, you couldn't                              afford   to buy it .                      .

MEf. : You didn't get my bill yet .

JACK :             whqt?                                                    '
MEL : When you see it, remember it ain't no hallucination .

JACK : Get out of here

                                  : DOOR SLAM)
                                     .(SOUND                                     '.
JACK : Now look, kids, as long as everybody .vante to go out

             and hit some                         golf balls,   let's start th9rehearsal . . .

             Now, Don, whiie we                         go   in the other    room and          rehearse
             the dialogue, you run through the commei`cial with the

             Sportsmen . Do you have something                              prepared?


DON : Oh yes, Jack, but I was thinking aboutqour house .

JACK : Lool4 Don, you can't afford to buy it, so let's --
DON : Oh,A I don't mean that, Jack . . .I thought as long as

             you're anxious to sell the house, it may help a little

             if we do something about it with the quartet on the

             radio .



EC




                                                                      RTX0 a0020580
JACK :    Oh . . .scmething about the sa1eW my house . . .Well,

             that's wonderful, Don . . .Hey, ~ids, you go in the other

             room and rehearse the dialogue, I want to listen to

             this . . .Go ahead, Don . . .Let's hear lt .

QUART :    I   WANT   A   HOUSE


             JUST LIKE THE HOUSE                                                                                                          .

             THAT BENNY HAS FOR SALE

                                                                                          . I WANT IT SO IF I HAD THE DOUGH,                      .

             I'D BUY IT WITHOUT FAIL .

             A GOOD OLD FASHIONED HOUSE WITH 28 ROCMS
             IpP' CF CIpSEPS FOR MY MOPS AND BROOMS

             I WANT A HOUSE JUST LIKE THE HOUSE
             THAT BENNY HAS FOR SALE .

JACK : Don, I want            them            to sell cigarettes, too . . .Hey,

             fellows,     ci ga rettes .

QUART : I WANT A SMOKE JUST LIKE THE SMOKE
             THAT PLFASbS DEAR OLD DAp

                                                                                                  . LSMFT, THAT'S THE SM01M FOR ME
             THE BFR•T I'VE EVER AAD

             IT'S THE BEST I EVER HAD .

             AND LUCKY      STRIIOi

                                      S THE ONLY SMOKE FOR YOU BETI'ER TASTING, CLEANER     FRESHER, TOO .                                    .

             YFB, IT'S A FACT

                                        . PAD'S FAVORITE PACK
             IS ALNAYS IIJCKY         STRIKE


             L S   MF T .
(APPLAUSE)




EC




                                                                                                                                     RTYS01 .0020581
(TRIIiD               ROUTINE)                                                                                             -14-
                      ,--y~,,, ~
JACK : ~ Don, that was a swell ideay{It I certainly want to

                               thank you very much .                                                       .   .

DON :Why,Jack?ACK
                    : Neil, this way maybe I can sell my house 9lrect . . .I
                                                                                       ~. . .- a.-a .-: . ~ -
                               won't need a real estate agenV .~ Ne'll :uee it on the

                               air Sunday and see IP we can get any

                                                   (SOGND :PHONERIGS)JACK
                    : Oh, Rochester . .answer the phone, will yat, please?

ROCH : YFS, SIR
                                                          . (SOUND : F00'1"TEPS . .RECEIVER UP)            .           .

ROCH :                    MR . BENNY'S RF3IUI:NCE, STAR Q+ STAGE, SCRtffiN AND RADIO .

WRIGHT : Hello, this is Mr .-Borden calling . .is Mr . Benny in,
                               please?
 ROCR : JUST A MIIV(PPE . . .BlS3 . . .IT'S FOR YOU . .IT'9 MR . BORDEN .

 JACK :                   Mr . Borden? . . .Oh, say, that's the man who .was over to

                                             look at the house . .Maybe he's gonna buy it . . .Hand me

                                             the phone . . . . (VERY SWEETLY) Helloooooo .

 WRIGHT : Operator ; will you                                               please   get off the line?

  JACK :                       No               no, Mr . Borden, this is Jack Benny

                       : Oh . . .Mr . Benny                                                       .HRIGT
                    : ~l . L   What                        .JACK
                                                  did you call for, Mr .             Borden?    What what . . .what
                                             did you call £or . .what, what, 7lUfD, tnlhf-huh, huh?

                               Nhatws1~WRI
               TH    T:        Well               --
   JACK : What is it, what is it, Mr .                                                Borden,    whatr Huh,           Qft


                                             what, what?
  'e'RIG;iT : Mr . Benny --


   EC




                                                                                           8   rx01            0   020592
V




    JACK :     Yeah . .what what what?                                         .

    WRI6HT : My wife and I have talked it over ard ve've almost

                 made up our minde to buy your house

            : You have, you have, you have?                      .JACK

    WRIpHT : Yes . .ve bave . . .You said you wanted a hundred thousand

         ~ _ dollars . .is that right?

    JACK :,~ V.a-Yes . .if you'll come right over now, vB can close the

                  deal .
    WRI(AIT : Well, Mr . Benny, the banks are all clos9d now and all

                  I have with me i6 a business check for .two hundred and

                  fifty thousand .
    JACK : Weil, pppome on over, I can give you the change .

    WRIGHT : We11 .I have an appointment out at my ;club this

                  afternoon . . .I'11 come over EIS first tha :ng in the

                  morning .

    JACK : All right, Mr . Borden, I-11 be here . . .6oodbye .
                            (SCUND : RHCENER DCWN)                         :

    JACK : Hey kids . .kids . .guess what just happened . .Mr . Borden . .
                  the man who       was here   with his wife a           while     ago,   j   ust

                  called    and said they were going to buy' :- my house .
    641RY : Say,           that's   wonderful .

    DON :         Sure is, Jack
                         .BO
         : That's great news .

    JACK : Yes sir .                                       -
    DEMIIS :      They'll     never be   happy    here .                   .




    EC




                                                           flTYSO7t .0020593                        I
JACK : They will if you .don't visit them . .Nov came on, kids,
           let's finish our rehearsal-" then we'11 go out on
           the driving range and hit some golf ba11s .

(TRAISI?ION t3USIC)

                     (SOUND :   CAR POLLING TO    STOP)


JACK : Well, here we are .
                     (SOUND :   CAR DOOR OPENB) -
BOB : Here, Mary,           I'll   carry your   clubs,            .

MARY : Oh tFanks, Bob .

                     (BOUND :   RATR'L .E CF CUJBS)
BOB : Here's your bag, Jack .

JACK : Careful with them, Bob, those clubs are ;new .

MARY : Gee, the driving range is crowded today .

JACK : We better get some golf balls at the statp . . .Dennis,

           here's some money . .go get us a couple of buckets of
           balls .
DNNNIS : Okay .

JACK : Fxcuse me, kids . . .I wants swing this club .to limber up

           my hands . They're stiff from my violinlesson

           yesterday .

BOB : ~~e.,Did you practice too Long?
JACK : No,'m~y violin teacher closed the case on my fingers . . .

           ~ ffippens every time I take a lesson .
DENNIB : Iere's a bucket of balls .

JAOK :   Thanks,       Dennis . . .Go ahead, Mary, hit one out, will you?

MARY :   Okay .


EC




                                                      flT 9 0 1       0020384
                                                                                     -17-

JACK : Keep your head dovn .

MARY :     Be    quiet .


                       (SCUND : WHIP CF CUJB AND CFACK CF                 BALL)


BOB : Hey, that was a good one,                      Mary .


JACK : Yeah, but watch your fozm, Mary . Your pivot was much
              too abrupt and you dipped your shoulder . CM ahead,

              Bob . .you go .

BOB :         Okay,   here goes
                                : WNIP
                                   .(SOUND   OF   CIAB AND CRACK CF' .    BA   LL)

NAR}[ : Wow! Two hundred and fifty yards, straight down the
              middle :

JACK :        Yeah,   but Bob, you dipped            your     shoulder, too . . .Now

              stand back and watch me .
                       (SCi1PID : SLIGHT PAUSE . .WUIP OF CIAB AND

                                    BODY THUD)

MAEY :        Help him     up, Bob .
BOB :     I   --      I can't without dipping my shoulder .

JACK : Don't be funny . .I              j    ust tried to hit       it   too hard, that

              was   all . . .


MARY : Ch, stop making excuses . You've never played good
              go'_f in your life
        : Ch, I haven't, eh? . . .Well, let me tellyou something,
                            .JACK
              sister, .Not only do I play good goif,-but I even know

              scr_e great trick shots .

MARY : Trick           shots?


JACK :     Yes . .Here, I'll .show you . . . .Dennis, lie down and put

              this golf ball on your nose . . .Come on, Dennis, lie down .



EC




                                                              flT7{ 0 9-0020585
                                                                                                -18-

DENNIS :    Okay .


JACK : Now hold still, Dennis, while I balance this ball on

            your noee . .I111 show you kids a tricketpt if you ever

            saw one . .Now etand back, everybody .                                  .

NARY : But Jack, you                 must   be kidding . That'e a                       dangerous


            trick .

BOB :       It surs     Is .     You're liable to miss that ball and hit

            Dennis .

JACK : (BIG SMILE) . . .Yeahhhh :                                               .

MARY :      Dennis, got        up .     You'll   get hurt .

JACK : Now get up, Dennis . . .Now watch me, Bob, .and I'll show
             you the correct fono for driving a balloff the tee . . .

            Watch this .
                       (SOUND :       SWI3H C F CLUB)                       .

JACK : Fhmmm .

                       (SONPID : PAOSE . . .SYf2SH        CP    CLUB)

JACK : Hmvnnamu

                        . (SCUND :    PAUSE . . . SWISH   CE CLUB)      .

JACK :     Hmn .
MAHY : Jack, keep it up, that's                    wonderful .


JACK : What do you mean, wonderful? . . .I missed .the ball three
             times .

MARY : I know, but you're fanning the smog out of Loa Angeles .
JACK : Gh, stop .

DENNIS :     If I'da stayed down there, I'd be a mess .

JACK : I can't understand it . . .Bob, what amI .doing wrong?



Ex




                                                               flT 801 ~~ ~~00205 8 6
                                                                                -19-
                                                  f'S ~
BOB : Well, I don ' t know, Jack . .              4IMt-   , gee -- isaybe you
              ought to take a few lessons from the instructor here .
JACK : Instructor? Where is he?

BOB : Well, that's him over there . . .the one with the white

              cap .
JAOK : Oh, yes . . .maybe he can help me . . .Oh, NSeter . . .Mister?
NELSON :     Yesasseas .

JACK : Oh, no . . .Are you the golf               instructor    here?

NELSON :     Yea, don ' t let these lounging          pajamas    fool you .

JACK :       All      right . .All   right,   now ehat do you charge for a

              lesson?

NELSON :      It ' s three dollars for a half hour .
JACK : Well, okay . . .give me a lesson
                                            .NELSO
         : All right . . .let me see your awing . . .Grlp the club

              firmly . . .the thumb on the ahaft .
JACK :        Like     this?                                 -

NELSON :      Very good . .BUt be sure not to s11ce . We ' re right             ne  xt
              to the third hole of the golf course .,right over                 that


              hedge .


JACK : Oh yes . . .I'll be careful

         : Now start your backeving, .NELSO that's it . . .Npw head down,
              keep your head down . .lower . . .lower .,,lover . . .WF[dJ,L,
              I KNEW IT      WOULD SLIP OF    F
     : Now cut             that   out! Look, .JACKMister, I - m psping for a

              iesson . . .so will you please give me some instruction?

N€[SON : A11 rlght . .keep your head dovn . .aving beok slowly . . .

              hit it .

                         (sooNn : sWISH a+ cIAB . . .CIICx OF~.BAIJ .)


Ec


                                                          Arxo   1   oo2o     58?
.
                                                                                                          -2G_

    JACK : ~ Ch boy, look at that one gol
    BCB : Jack, you got a bad slice on that one

                          :      J   Look,     it's going over      the hedge onto the golf couree .
                                                                                   .MARY
    NET$CN : FCRE . . .FCRE . . .

    MARY : Ch my goodnesa . .you htt a man on the heaA :
    JACK : Ch, for heaven's sakes . .Ibetter run over,and
                                     apologize .                                                 .

    NELSON :                         You don ' t have to, he's coming over her9 .

    JACK : Say, it's Mr . Borden, the man who's going to buy my
                                     house .

    WRIGHT :                         Who hit me on the head with that ba117

    JACK : I did, sta I'm awfully                                    sorry,   Mr . Borden .

    WRIGHT : .~ Who's Mr .                         Borden?


    JACK : You are and I'm Jack Benny .
    WRIGHTWho ' s Jack                              Benny?                                           -

    MARY :Jack, your ball hit him so ha2d he losthie memory .

    JACK :U But he can't . . .he promieed to buy the house .

    WRIGHT : What house?

    JACK :                           &     house . .don't you remember . .think . . .the house in
                                     Beverly Hills . . .twenty-eight roome . .thesvimming pool . .
                                     the    spacious   yaxt7 --                             ..
    WRIGHT : Stop                            squeezing   my ann .
    JACK : But Mr . Borden . . .you must remember . .please . . .please . . .
    (MUSIC STAB15) JACK
                              : The lovely neighborhood . .the wonderful neighbore . . .

                                     Kenny Baker will sing to you . .Mr .         Bordeni




    ED




                                                                                Ar o oo2o
                                                                                    9   1                59   e
                                                                  -21-

NE[SON : Sdtret about oy three dollara4
JACK : When I sellthe house . . .Mr . Borden . . .try to remember . .

            please .
(APPIAUSH AND MUBIC UP FULL)




EC




                                             RTXO1 0020568
    THE AMERICAN            TOBACCO COMPANY
    LUCKY STRTaCR
    TRE JACK SShNl              PROGRAM



    MAHCH 13, 1955 GIASZNG CQM,EfJ:IAL                                                     .

    WILSON :                       Jack will be back in just a minute,               but first          listen

                                    to   this .


    LIGHr UP TIhi~
    JINGLE - #1 .21 sec .

    SCUND : (TIC TCC - 6 BBATS)
    GRWP : Light up a Lucky

    SOLO :                          It ' s Light Up Time

    GROUP :                         Be Happy Go U.tcky

    SOLO :                          It ' s Light Up Tima
                                    For the taste that you like                                .
                                    Light up a Luoky Strike

.   GROUP :                         Relax :
                                     (HUM GLISS)
     SOLO & GRW? : it's Light Up Time
                : Light-up time, A time .WILSCN when you went to .really

                                    enjoy yourself . And if it :s a Lacks you light, you

            . really iet that enjoyment . Because a Uacky tastes

                                    better . Naturally it does . ItTs msde of fine,

                                    mild    tobacco .   Tobacco that   naturally          tastes better .

                                    Tobacco that ' s    toasted .   That ' s rlght . . "IT ' S
                                    TGASTED" -- the famous Lucky Strike process -- tones

                                     up Luckies good tasting tobacco         . . .   brtngg        it   to its
                                     very   peak   of flavor, .,makes it taste even better .
                                     Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So when it ? s light-up

                                     time for you, light up a Lucky . You ' ll fini it ' s
                                     the best-tastin g cigarette you ever smoked!
     MG




                                                                          prxo        1        oo2o     59   o   I
THE AMER ;CAN TOBACCO COMPANY
LUOKY STATKE
TRE JACK BBNNY PHGGRAM
MARCx 13, 1955
CLGSING CC MMERCIAL (coNr I D)

LIGHT UP TI ME
J1NGLE - #3 .13 sec .        (SRGRT         CLOSE)


SCIA & GRWr : For the taste that you like

                    Light    up a Lueky Strike
GRWP :              Right    Now l

                    (HUM GLISS)
SOLO :              Light up a Luclq
(SPCKEN)

SOLO     & GRWP :   It's    LSght Up Time




MG




                                                     AiK01 002054   1
~~ TRIO~AN T09nco0 COMPANY

THE JACK BENNY PROGFAM
MARCH 13, 195 5

CLO.SIHG CO[R EIiCIAL    (CONTID )




(OPTIO
LIGiR' UPNQ'DtE
             20 sec .

GRWP : \ Light up a Iu.o
SOLO : \'•It's Ligh t-~v Time

GRG(iP :              Be $s¢py Go Luokg

SOIA :            z     11- sLight Up Tim
                        t

                               t   aste that
                                           eForth   you   like

                      Light up a iiibk_v Strlke

GR(AJPJ Right                NOW


                      (RUM GISSS)
                      ISght up e Luckg




                                                                 AiiSOi 0020592
(TAG)                                                                 - -
                                                                       22




JACK :   ,,We    -     re    a   little         latef       0-

(APPIAU3B AND MU3IC)                                        .


DGN : The Jack         Benny Show   tonight was written by Sem Perrin,
          Milt   Jcsefsberg,     George   Balzer,   John Tackaberry, Aal
           Goldman,    Al Gordon,   and produced and transcribed by
           Hilllaxd    Marks .




EC




                                                    Ai 9 01 0020593
V
    F ERNOT TARis'yTON
    NR 30 2F

    ANNCR : Filter smokers : Here's the true tobacco taste you've

                been looking for, Filter Tip TAREYTON gives you aii

                the full, rich flavor of TAREPfON'g famous quality

                 tobacco . . .and real filtration, too : Filter Tip

                TARL7TON incorporates Activated Charcoal, reknovned

                for its unusual powers of selective filtration and

                 used far and wide to purify the airYe breathe, the

                Yater and beverages Ye drink . Look for the red, vhite

                 and blue stripes on the Fackage . They

                                                          .identify Fi ter Tip TAREYTON, the best in filter d smCking .


                 The Jack Benny Program vas brought to you by the

                 American Tobacco Company . . . . America's leading

                 manufacturers of cigarettes .




     EC




                                                   RiNO1                                0                        020544   I
                                                                       ~'d~~ ~k
                                                                       REVIBED SORIPT


                        ANIItICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUGyC7 3TRIIM


                          T8B     JACK BENNY              YROORAM


SptmAY   MARCH   20     1955                      CB5                   4 :00 - 4 :30   PM   PST

                   (Trense.ribed - December                       8,   1954


                 CAST : JecK Benny
                         Roohaster
                         Don Wilson
                         Sportsmen Quartet
                         Mel slanc
                         Eric Snorrden
                         Jesnette Eymenn
                         Semnp Weiss
                         Elvia Allman
                         Frank Nelson
                         Veole Vonn




BR




                                                                        Rr    )?01   002 s 5
                                                                                        0    9
        ~( N
y ~ n IO AB       TOBACCO   CO~ANx
   THE JAOK P8Nt7Y PROGRAM              Opening : 1 .35 Closing : 1 .32
r- MARCH 20, 1955
                                                  Total : 3•07
   OP'BNIN1'i COVIERCIAL

   WIL90N : TNB JACK BENNY           PROGRAM . . . . transcribed   and presented by
                    Lucky Strih, the cigarette that testes better :

   LIGHf UP TIME
   JINGITs - #1 .21 sec .

                    (S01)4ID : TIC T00 - 6 $EATS)
   GROUP :     . Light up a Lucky

   SOLO : It's Light Up Tims

   GROUP : Be Happy Go Lucky

    SOIA : It's Light ilp Time

                    For the taste that you like

                    Light up a Lucky Strike
    GROUP :   Relaxl

                    (RUM GLISS)
    SOLO & GROUP : It's Light Up Time .

    WILSON : This is Don Wilson, friends, end I certainly agree

                    there's no time like richt nw to light up a Lucky end

                    find out first hend what real, deep-down elrooking

                    enJoyment is . I msen the en3oyment that comss from

                    better taste . . . . because a Lucky testes better every

                    time . And the reasons why are world femous . First of

                     all, LS/M6T, Lucky Strike means fine tobeoco, so fine,

                     so light, so mild, it just naturally tastes better .

                     And then, something very important heppen9 to Luckies'

                     fine tobacco . "IT'S TOAS'lED" . "IT'S TOA$TED" is the

                     famous Lucky Strike process that brings Luckies'

                     naturally good-testing tobacco to its peak of flavor,

                     tones it up to make it taste even better .
                                                                          (M0R8)




                                                           AtXO1002059b
THE ADERICAN TffiACCO COMPANY
LUOKY STRM
THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM
MABCH 20, 1955
OPENIIVG COMPERCIAL (CONT'D)

WIL40N : Cleener, 1resher, smoother . So right now, while the
 (COPiP'D)
                show gets under way -- or vhenever it's light- up time

                for you, Be Happy -- Go *,Mkv . Enjoy Lucky Strike --the

                best testing cigarette you ever emoked :




LIGHP UP TIME
JINGSS - //3    .13 sec .       ;SHORT CIASE)

SOIA & GROUP : For the taste that you like

                Light up a Lucky Strike

GROUP :   Right     Nov :

                (HUM GLISS)


S(SP&9MN) Light up a Lucky

SOIA & GROUP : It's Light Up T7me




                                                 ArifP9,,ooao5s7
.v
     THE nNIISRIOt+N T OBA000 006mANY        .
     Lt cKx sTxnce
     THB JACK BENNY       PROGRAM
     MARCH     20, 1955
     GrENIN c cor Z HEIaLL (c0rrr'D)
     (oprl )
     LIG UP TIME
     JINGIE  /~2 .20 sec .
     GROUP :                 Light up   a   ky

     S07A :                  It'a Light Tima

     GROUP :                Be Hsp Go Luok9

     80UJ :                   t's ight Up Tima
                             F he taste thet you like

                            ~Light e Luckg Strike

     QROUP :                 Right N

                             (HUM GLISS)




     BR




                                                        RT}40 .1 ;- 0020598
                                                                              I
(FIIiST-ROITTINg) (M6NPION T .V .              SHGd)                    -1-
(APTER COf.II4NCIAL, M[AIC UP AHp DGdN)
DON : THE LUCKY STRIIOd PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENN7( . . .WITH MARY

            LIVIN3STONE, ROCAESTSR, IENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS

            TRULY" DON WILSON .

(APPLALlSE . . .MOSIC UP AND DONN)

DON : LADISS AND GBNPIEMEN, TODAY JACK BENNY DMES ANOTfER
            TfiRS'VISION SHOW . . .BUT M6ANWHIIE lET'S GO BAOK TO FRIDAY

            MORNING . . .AS WE LOOK IN ON TH6 BENNY HOU"adHOLD, JACK IS JWT
            FINISHING BRfiA%FAST . . . .
                    (SOi1PID : NOISES GF      PLATES,     IQQIFE AND F ORNL . . .BTC . . . . )

ROCH : IS       rP" ING . .
               cQr~-r ALL. .RIGHT, MR . B6NNY7
                7e
                      . you have a
JACSeyQ,Fine~ but           do             morehnyftocakesROCH
                                                 little


      : NO SIR . . .WE'RE ALL           OUT   OF HONEY .

JACK : Are you           sure?


ROCH :     POS ITIVE . . .I GOT T}L       LAST   IROP THERE WAS 017P OF Tf           E   HIVEAtiD'M
                  TOO    SCARED TO    SQUEEZE    'He    BEES .


JACK : Oh, stop being si11y . . .Anywey, Rochester . .you shouldn't be
             afraid      of bees, they're industrious little               creatures .                ,

ROCH : DH        HUH .


JACK : Bees never bother people . . .they spend their entire lives
             gather]ng honey .

ROCH : l4[       HUH .


JACK : They vork from the t7me they're born, till the time they die
             . . . .thet is, a11 except the Queen Bee .

ROCH : WELL, I AIN'T GONNA SQTkT7.E                 HER     MA,xE ~.

                 for heavens sekes . . .don't you lqmv-th bee hetes to

             sting en

             WHY4
BR




                                                                 ATX07 :ob20599                           ~
           Because bees were created to work --
I if ings y

ROCH : WELL, ANyTHp1G                                       HARD           MAY               T
                                                                                 WANT TO COtM1T
           SUICII)E .
JACS : WhaSY '



JACK :     Alright, alright . . .I'11 have                another           cup of :ooffee .

M6L :      (SQUAWKS) Cup of           coffee,      cup of coffee (WHI$TIES .)

JACK :     Good mo rn ing, Po11y .

MEL :      Good     morning, Blue 8yea . (WHISTIES )
JACK :            she learned somathing new . . .Polly vent*4a cracker8
                          a
N6L :      Polly wentsACUp of coffee (SQUAWKS

JACK :                        I'll just     give you a            jNo,n-
                                                            cracker .


ROCH :     BCSS . . .WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HER A LITTIE COFBSE AND SE B

           WHBTNBR SHE LIl E S IT OR               NOT?


JACK : No, no Rochester -- we don't went to get her used to thet . . .

           Give her a cracker .

MEL : (SAD DISAPPOINPSD S$UAWR .
                                        )ROCH
        : BUf BG3 .9 . . .WHAT'S A Lr1TIS B3i!! COb7''E6IH L7E lWRNITA P

JACK : It's not              that,   Rochester --         it's   where the9e things            lead


           to .   .. . .   First   she'll   went    a   little coffee in the morning ., . .

           then      she'll vent       coffee at night . . . .Then eUe'11 wentcognec

            in her coffee . . .then          she'll vent plain                   cognec . . .then ahe'll

           -start drinking whiskey --                   -1 In     first thing you know

            she'll         belong to Parrots Anonymous .

MEL : SQUAWKS . . .THEN HICS .

JACO. .No, no Polly -- you haven't done anything yet . . .Say
           Rochester - did Don Wilson phone its thismDraing 4

BR




                                                                  Rrxot .             0020600              1
Y                                                                                                  -3-

    ROCH : NO SIR .,,THERE WER& NO CALLS AT ALL,
    JACK : Himm, he was supposed to cell me about the commeroial . . .

             I better ce11 him . .
                                        : GETTIIKi UP FROM TABIH . . .WAIICIIi3 FOOTSTSPS . . . . ) .
                                                .(SOUND
    JACK : Gee, Parrots are funnq . . :MS way they keep repeeting
             everything they hear . . .shecaldmBuEyesjtbcuhegar mndos

                                                              ..
                                        : FOOTSTEPS .(SOUND STOP . . . .)

    JACK : Now, let's see . . .what's Don Wilson's number again . .,Oh
             yes . . .Crestview 4-0y8'/, . . . .,

                         (SOUND : RECBIVSR OFF HOOK ., . .)                                    i
    JACK : ,, . .(PA=~),,,Hmm, that's funny, I don't get eny dial tone .
                         (SONCID : JIGGLING OF HOOK .,,,)

    JACK : I      still          9on't get the dial tone, . . .

                         (SOUND :            MORE JIOGLING . . . .)
    JACK : (CALffi) Rochester -- the phone seems to be out of order .

    AOCH : . COUID BE, IT HASN'T Hl1[v'G ALL MCS2NING . .
    JACK : Gee, I wonder what could be wrong . . . .
                          (SOLIDII) : JIGGLIN3 OF                        RECEIVER . . . THEN   PHOt7g BACK ON HOOK ;

    JACK : -6k,-Th is is awful . . .Rochester -- I'm going over to the
             Colmen's house^end                             use         their phone to report it to the

             Company . . .

    ROCH : OKAY          BOSS . . .


                          (SOUND : WAIKING FOC/fSTRPS, . .Si}4TAIN IN B~.~G . . . .)

    JACK : Gee ., .imagine my phone going out of order . ;~Ilope that

             Ronnie ?s home so I cen use hie, . .

                          (SOUPID : D00@ OPEN .S, . .ACID CLCSES, .,FOdfSTBPS ON SIISWAIi.

                                              . . . .SNgTAIN IN B,G .)

    BR




                                                                                     flTH07 . , 002 0 609
                                                                         -4-

JACK : AIM the weather is nice . . .look at my garden . . .it's amazing

            how fast t0-h~ s grow .here when we have a little werm spell . .

            .,Look et,~thet ivy . . .it's elmost completely covered Remlay . .

            , .There wasn't e thing growing there when he 1'ell on New

            Yeers' Eve       . .Gosh, Frankie's eyes are open'end the

            b    u     --    Oh     no,     that'        of    Robin's eggs . . .Gee,


            if they , when he wekes up             he                .      r„+(LAII:}HS)
      r         . .Thet'e sil l .                                                ~
                    (SOIIPID : FOOTSTEp3 UP bEW STEPS,,,THEN 0N PfORCH . . .PA1HE

                              . . .TAEN SOTRd1 OF DOOR KNOCNER SEIIM KNOCK6D . . .)
JACK : (H0614 BIT OF LOVE IN .BILIOM) . . .,

                     (SOUND : DOOR OPENS . . .)
ERIC : Oh . . .good morning, Mr, Benny,

JACK :ai.,GOOd-morning,-Sharvood----is fsa, Colman at home4
ERIC : No sir . . .He took Mrs . Co]man to the hospitel a few minutes
            ago .


JACK : The hospitel . . .he took her -- you mean               --?


ERIC : tj   Yes, this morning she set on one of your bees .

JACK :91r- I hope it           wasn't   Harry -- heswe   ,   such a .good    worker .


ERIC : Oh, she didn't kill it, she rose very promptly .
JACK: Oh good, good . . .Well, the reason I carce over is I'd like to

            use your telephone .                                     -

ERIC : Oh, business in New York again .

JACK : No, no - mine seems to be out of order so .-I'd like to
            report it .
ERIC : Oh, well come right in, . . .

                     (SOUND : DOOR CL09ES . . .WAIICING FOOTSTEPS)


BR




                                                         Ar 901 00 20 e 02
                                                                     -5-



ERIC :   Here's the phone .

JACK : i1Mi', I better call the         operator . . .


                (SOUND : PHONE OFF HOOK,, .DIAL TONE . . .T3EN WE HEAR "0"
                           BEING DIALiED . . .BUZZING . . .RECEI6TsR CLICK. . .)

JENNY~:~~Operator .
JAOKavx,Operetor, I'd like to report a phone thet'snot working .

JENNY : Yes sir . . .what is the address, and phone number please?
JACK : Three sixty six North Cemden Drive . . .The phone number is
         Orestview 4-C555•

JENNY : ~V~yer~y good, air . . .Now, whet seems to be the trouble?
JACK :~"1`Fie phone doesn't vork .~I vent to find out whether it's
         out of order or disconnected .

JENNY : Disconnected - I'11 have to check in our booke . . .What is

         your neme, please .                                               .

JACK :, Jeck enny .           ~
JgNN ~~ Your~phone uldn't be disconnected -- the case doesn't

         come up til next week .
                   :./--
JACK : Well, thenA it must be out of order,,, .

JENNY : I'll report that to our repair department, sir .

 JACK : Thank you . . .,Goodbye . . . .

                (SOUND : RECEIVER CLICK)

 JACK :Thank you ~ for letting me use the phone, Sherwood .

ERIC :9,Thet's quite elright, Mr, Benny . . . .                 ..
                (SOUDID : FOOTSTSPS . .,)

ERIC :   I'll   see you to the door . . .

                (SOUND :   COUPIE OF MORE FOOTSTEPS ., .DO OR OPENS . . .)

 EBIC : Oh, by the way, Mr . Benny . . .I meant to         tell you that       I saw

          your last television show .
 BH




                                                         At 80 1 0020603
                                                                                    -6-

JACK : Oh really -- did you like it?

ERIC : Unfortunately, yes .

JACK : Whet do you mean -- unfortunetely?

ERIC : Well, I was watching-1t secretly when I oouldn't control
              myself   and   gave vent to a burst of               laughter .


JACK : Well . . . .?
ERIC : Well Mr . Colman cace in, caught me, and sent me to bed
              without g:y cr ts,                                                .
     Y~ct ,w.       a.. --- --
                    "
JACK : AN,`, .Well,
         ,               again for letting
                             thanks                                 me use the phone .
ERIC : You're          quite        .e
                               welcor .      . . .   Good-day .
JACK :       Goodbye . . .


                    (SOUND :   DOOR CLO.SES . . .F00TSTEPS . . .SLSTAIN IN B .G .)
JACK : Gee, I can't understend l ~onnie . . . .Well, it takes all                         kinds


              of people to make a worldf                 .Say, look at that Ivy -- sovaone
              must have put Vigoro on it,, .It's completely grown over
              Fren-~t-°'No, somebody moved h1m . . .Gee, thetSs 1.+~~

              'T~g419-Frafilcle-}eevfngy.itb u e lt'fl ing me hov much he
              an Oj~93-n~ _ev Yea_r'n Fva panty, : .Gh_ we~.

                       OUDID : FSN FOOTSTEPS,,,TABN STOP)

JACK :        Nnen . Look you, get, over on               that    flower . You can't get
              honey out of      leaves .


                    (SOUND :   BEE      BUZZgS)
JACK : ~rI -don't know . . .I have to tell everybody vhat to do . . .3Y8

              tough being the boss,
                    (SOUND : DOOR OPBNS . . .CIASES . . .)

JACK : (CALL4) Rochester, I'm back .                                            .

ROCH : THAT'S GOOD .           . . .   FR, WIL40N'S WAITING IN           THE ZEN .




                                                                    A   r 901   00206     04
ti                                                                           --                    7



        JACKA,DOn's here?                                                                                            .
~   DON : (OFF) Yea(;Jack -- I tried to call you about .the convrerciel
                but phone ves out of order . . .Went me to come out there?

        JACKA.No, I'll come into the den . . .
                                              (80UPID : COCPIE OF FOOTSTEPS . . . . STOP . . .)

        JACK : Don, Don -- why are you sitting on the floor?
        DON : I'm not sitting on the floor -- there's a oheir under me .

        JACK : Oh, oh -- you kcow, Don -- you've flattened more things

                 than Christian Jior . . .Hey, you have the 9portsmen with you

                 . . .Hi, fellows .

        QIIART : HMM .
        JACK : All right, ell right . . .Now, Don, what numbex did you want
                 to telk to me about? o_A--

        DON : Ife                &      , Jack,        we have   e wonderful arrangement
                                                                                       t          of   the Raymond

                 Overture,                          and   1 thought it would be even better if you play

                 your                         violin   in it .

         JACK : Do you really think so, Don?
                  .
        DON : ~NYo~.Q,
         JACK : ~lrw wk~p did you say it?
        DON : I don't know, it was just a big fat impulse .

         JACK : Well, impulse or not, I'm going to take you up on it . . . .

                 Wait till I get r7 violin . (TTJNES UP) Okay, fellows,

                  let's go . . . .The Reymond Overture .




         BR




                                                                                   RTYS 01        0020605
QUART :                  I,SM ti¢T, LSM MFT LUCKIES ARE
                                                          SURE       TO TASTE SETITR
                         THAN ALL OF                      TEE REST


                         LUCKIES ARE TOFSTED
                         AND THAT'S NAY TNEP'LL                            ALWAYS   TASTE SEST
                         TAAT IS A FACT

                        /y59 , A FACT

                        (TNAT WE CAN PRCVE
JACK : (VIOLIN)
QUART : SMOK6 A LiR.'Ky

JACK :                    (VIOLIN)


QUART : BOID AMERICAN                                                                           .

JACK : (VIOLIN)                                                  .         .

QUART : ROUPID AND FIRM ALD

JACK : (VIOLIN)

QUART : FULI.YPACKEDJ

               : (VIOLIN)

QUART : F.RSE AND                                 EASY


JACK : (VIOLIN)
QUART : ON THE                               DRAW


 JACK :(VIOLN)QUART
                      : AND TFO3Y'RE TOASi'^'3D

 JACK : (VIOLIN)




                                                                                                                  I
 BR




                                                                                       19   i HO'J;., - 0020606
                                                                                                  z,
                                                                                           -9-

@UABT : MFf

        REMEPSER THIS, FOIt SMQCIN[} BLISS YOU CANNOT BEAT, YE3, WE REPEAT




        YOU CANNOT BEAT THEM WHAT A FINE CIUARCl'TE, WHAT A FINE CSGARh'PTE

        IT :S THE BEST YOU CAN CfET
        IT'S THE BEST ONE Y8T

        TAKE A PUFF, TAISE A PUFF, TASE A PUFF

        BECALL4E WE KNOW TNAT YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH

        OH        LSMFT

        OH LSMFT

         IT'S SBMF IS L4 .ISD'gT,                                                  -


(APPLAUSS)




                                                                             Rrx 01t 00 2 0 6 0 ?
                                                                          -10-




(SECOND      ROUTINE)
JACK : Well, Don . . fellowa . . that wae juet wonderful and .I'm
              certainly glad that I was a part of it . . . And Don, it
              wae such a good idea that I think I'm going to give you

              and the boys a raise

DON :                                   . Really, Jack? ~ .~
JACK :        No . . It was just a big fat L:pulse, but Ilm over it . . .
              See you later, Don . . So long, feliows .

                        SWPID : DOOR OPENS AND      CLOSES)


JACK :                 it's such a nice day, I think I'11 :all Mi

              Livings2        and ask her i f she'd like t~ little

              golf .
~ocH :        BUT MR . BEtIIVY, YOU CAN'             0      DNE .

~ 4T,.Cx :    Oh yes, I forgot i' out of 0

ROCR :        WHY DON'T            8E THE ONE IN   '-1E   HALL .

 JACK :                 t want to tie it up when the bus get's he

              I would like to --
                        (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER)

 ROCH :~ WANT ME TO ANSWER THAT, BOSS?
 JAC$ :'dU, No, I'11 get it .
                        (BOUND :   COUPLB OF F00'STEPS . . .DOOR,OPENS)

 JACK : Yes?
 MEL : Dohhhhhh, I'm the              repairman    frem the phone company .

 JACK : Oh, good .                            ~-

 MEL : I already checked everything cutside, and~can't find
               nothing wrong . I climbed to the top of the pole and

               everything's okay there .




  BH



                                                            Arxo J oo 2 oeo 8
1.
 ,



     JACK : Well,          I --   wait a minute -- how could you                         have   climbed the

                  pole -- you're not wearing those                    shoes       with spikes .

     MEL :        I got long toe naile .

     JACK : Oh .
     ME   L : Anyway, since I can't find the trouble                              outside,        maybe    it's



                  right in the phone .

     JACK :       It probably is . . . . there'e no dial tone . . .oane in and
                  iook at it . . .

                 ,Okay .
                           (BOUND :   DOOR   CIqSES . . .FEW FOOTST3PS . . .)

     JACK :       The   phone's right over here, Mister .                     . . .   Mieter . . .?

     MBL :        ALexander Grahem Rell, the third .

     JACK :        . . .Alexander .-r.Grahem .   . . .   Be11   . . . . .   The thlid .     . . . .   Are you

                  descended from the man who invented the telephone?

     MEL : Oh, is that what grandpa done -- no wonder .they gave me
                   the job .

     JACK : ,(Haa~m . . . . Well, here's the phone .
     MEL :t,.      8~: you're right, them ain't no dial tons .

               .~yPilc%~k up the receiver firat . . . . For heavens,eakes!
      JACK :,I~b~

      !    . : ly-V-,Oh yeah

                               . (SOUND : RECEIVER OFF HOOK)

      MEL : I don't hear no dial tone .                               -

      JACK : I told you, tffit's whst's wrong with--
                            .(SQ!HD : DOOR BUZZfiR)

      MEL : (HAPPY)~^[T .••here, thenm there's the,"a1 tQne!
                                                  i.~_e . .$ ._ .
      JACK : Thet's the door buzzer, . . .(CALIS) ~ROCHBS,1'ER, WILL YOU

                   ANSWER THE DOOR .

      ROCH : (CFF) SBS SIR .

      BH




                                                                            flrx 01 ; q 020609                    I
MEL :/ Hey, I think I found out what's the trouble . . . .

JACK :,~~ What, what? ~
MEL : O!-{.,This here thingama j ig^SA sloose . . .see, it spins around .
                                   (SOUND :                     QUICK     CLINKING           TURNINO W+        DIAL)



JACK : THAT'S                       THE   DIAL .                 . . . . . . . .   I can't understand'vihy the Phone

                             company   would   Bendam13k-ROCH

                 : (COMING IN) EXCUSB ME, MR . BENNY .                                                           .

JACK : What is it, Rochester-- who was at the door?

ROCH : IT'S MISTER SAtMDC WELSS                                                 . . . .   Hg WANTS TO SEE YOU .

JACK : (PCZZI . D) Sanvny .                                        . . . . .   Weiss?      . . . . . .   Who's he?

ROCH : BE'S FROM THE BAND ON YOUR PRCORAM . . .SM44Y THE                                                                  DRUMMER .
                                                                K

JACK : Oh, so his namer We1es . . .I thought his                                                               last name was


     -- - 'hRie Drummer" . What-does                                                 he     want?

ROCH : HG NANTS TO SEE YOU PRIVATE'LY . . . . HE'S IN THE NEXT ROOM .

JACIC : Well, I better go and see what he wants . . .8xcuse me,

                             Mister Bell .

MELa You can call me Al
                    : Thanks . . .I hope you have the phone fixed vhen I come back .
                                           .JACK
                                    (SOUND : COUPLE OF                              FOOTSTEPS . . . . DOOR           OPENS)

 JACK : Hello 3ammy .
SAtM1Y :Helo,MistrBny!JACK
                    : You wantd& to see me?

 SAMMY : Yes.lL, it's kind of a personal matter .

 JACK :                      Personal?    What can I do for you?

 SAMMY : Well, I wish you'dmake the other boys in the band stop
                             picking on me

                    :         . . .The boys . . ..pick on you . . .But Sammy, you're the biggest
                                                 JACK
                             guy in the band . . .You're six foot five . . .iI` the other
                             musicians hit you, hit them back .

 BH



                                                                                                         flr 901     00   2 0610
    SAMMY : Oh, they don't do anything physical . . . . they tease me .
r
    JACK :                 Tease                                 you---how?                                                   /~,~

    SAtRAY : They call me clod-hopper, they call me dopey, and^thay write dirty words on my dnmt

                                                                                                   .

    JACK : No .
    6M4dY : Yea not only that . . .they're always calling me 'Saldy' .

    JACK~ Well Sammy, you ahouldn't be sensitive aboi}t that . . . . .
        :

                        -Lots of men lose their hair as they get older .

    SAMMY :                I've been bald since I was                                          seven!


    JACK : No kidding . . . . that's emazing . . . . how did youhappen to Lose

                           your hair so early?                                                                                 .

    SAMMY : I didn't lose it, I grew so fast I pushsd                                                                         through       it .

    JACK :                 Pushed through it -- a                                    likely story .


    SAMMY :                That's my excuse, vhat's                                       yours?                                        -

    JACK : Never mind . . . . . . . . . . . . .Anyvay, don't worry, :Sammy, -- I'll
                            tell the rest of the boys in the band to be nicer to you .

    SAMMY : Well, they should . . .after all, I'm always doing sweet
                            things for them .
     JACK :                 Like        what?

    SAMMY :                Well,           just        a little while ago I trimned the ivy off Remiey

                            and took him home

                : Oh, so that's where he went . . .Boy,
                                    .JACK                                                                        will   Fxaalde be           amazed


                            when be wakes up in a bed . . . . Imagine

                   :     . I put him under a table, I didn' ~weQn't to-shock him .
                                                                 .SMgdY

     JACK :                 Well,          that was sweet, Sammy .                                         Nnslt Y tellthe other
                                                                                                       . . .                                       boys


                            about this I'm                        sure        they'11                  all     be nicer
                                                                                                                e         to you .


     SA64fY : Gee thanks, Mr . Henny .                                              . . . . . .    Goodbye .

      JAGK :Goodbye .
                                            (SODnID : 7bON OFBNS AND                                      CLOSES)         -




                                                                                                                RTYlO7- 0020611
                                                                                                                                                          I
JACK : I~'11 really have to talk to the boys in ~th9 banA . . .I

           .aeoa~idei+i want Semmy to quit . . . i aooks s :o_good sitting way

            up there in the middle of the orchestra with that smile

            painted on his head . . .Well, I better go back and see if

            that guy's got the phone fixed . . . .                 .

                   (SOUND :   COUPIE C&' F0018TEPS . . .DOOR'OPBNS)

PRiL :, (TOUGH) Now look, don't interrupt me T111y . I don't care

            if you have got dinner cooked . I ain't coming home

            tonight . . . .I'm going out with the boys . . .Yeah, that's

            right, we're gonna play cards and ya needn't wait up for

            me because I don't knov what time I'm coming home . . . Yeah,

            you heard me

        : Oh, you got .JACK the phone fixed? -

MEL : No, I'm just rehearsing what I'd like to-bay to my wife .

JACK ;      Oh .
MEL : C&But vait a minute -- I thi.nk I found out what's wrong . . . .

            this connection is l.oose . . .rtl'11 fix it . . . .

                   (SOUND : LITTLE METALLIC NOISES)

MEL :       There, that does it . . .Now I'll lift the reoeiver . . . .

                   (SOU ~LICK)
                   Qt,,,here's a dial tone . . .                       "




dSNNY




                                                      RT 901           0020612 .
                                      Mmomp  .^ .-o.
                                                                                                   -15-

               Operator,      this     is A1 .   . . .   I got the phone fix ~s                                North

                         .r

               make?

JENNY : No, come , Stupid .
MSL :          S        : You wouldn't dare talk to me iffie .t_St if

               grandpa was alive .         . . . . . .   I ' m ccming in .

                        (SOUPID : RRCEIVSR CLICK)

MEL : Well, ahe'_ s~al ixed . . .

JACK :~'989t1, I''ll show you to the door . . .
      ~, M'i            (SOUIID :       COUPLE        Q+ FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR .dPENS)

     . : /1.+r,,GOOdbye .
JACK : Goodbye . . .-awd thanks a lot, Al .




                        (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES .               . . . .   F00'1BTEPS         . . . . . .


                                        FAIffi AND SUSTAIN IN n0)                              .           .

JACK :         A   ee, I s m glad the phone is fixed . . .now I                               can      make that
               important call I           had    to make to .           . . .   See . . .Hmns, I forget
               who I    bad    to call . . . dblt, I mentioned                        i   t    to      Rochester,

               ma9be he remembers           . . . .   (CALL4) OH ROCHE4TER . . . . . . . . . . .
               IMMMOM         . . . . . . . . .Nhere did he go            . . . . .   Now who did I want

               to call .    . . .   'Jf w' s very important aeM-- Oh, .now I remember
               who it was . . . .

                        (SOUfID : RECHIVER OFF HOOK . . .DIAL                             ABOUT         FIVE
                                        OR SI7C TID       ES . . . .   RUZZBR      . . . .    RECEIVRR
                                        CLICK)




BH




                                                                           AT 80 9                 0   020613
                                                                         -16-

DON :       Hello .

JACK :      (A LPPPLE MAD~)~~lL Don, this is Jack .

DON :       Whatt 'tthe~+ .matter, Jeck-- who are you mad at?

JACK :      YCU . . .You were supposed to call me this morning about

            the commerciat .

DON : But Jack, we were just over to your house and we did it .
JACK : Ch yes, I forgot, goodbye .

                T(SC-CND : RECEIVER           CLICK)                 .

JACK : tfqn, inatla the silliest thing I've ever done . . .I was

            never so embarrassed . . . . eeC of all people, had to do

            it to Don Wilson . . . . He's like an elephant^tie~never

            forgets . . . . . . and even if he does forget, hets'etill
                                                                            -
         _ like an elephant .    . . . . . . . .   Sometimes I thinkJl;^'
                          :    DOOR OPENS)                                      •-'=(SWND

JACK : Is      that   you, Rochester?
RCCH : YFS SIR . . .

JACK : Where were you?




SH




                                                             ATl/ 01     0020614
•a
                                                                                          -17-

     r,   ROCH :       I JUST WENT OUT TO GET THE MAIL .

          JACK:        Oh . . .is there anything importept?

          HO                          , . . .HgRg'S '17L' IISUAL ATLL FROM Tf{NT-DOCTOR .
          JACK :'-W 11, he can keep sanding it, I'm stillypt'-gdrng to pe



          ROCH : BUT MR .                  BE     IS90          OLD .

          JACK:               n't cere, I'm not sure I'm f                    the   mumps ye



          ROCH :       WEI1, THIS UJOKS IMPOR'PANT ., .TIE ENVEiQPE 3S MARKED "FROM
                       THE CLUNfY OF LOS AH3ELES ."

          JACK : Hmrtrtn, let me see . . . . . .

                                  (SOUND :    ENVELOPE BEIMi RIPPED     OPEN. . . PAPER   RIFFLING)

          JACK : (M]M1IDI-w , I96BIE)- .                  .h no :
                                                   . . . . .


          ROCH : WHAT'S              TIE     ?ATTER , BOSS?                     .

          JACK :~~~ I've been celled for jury duty . Just when I'm so busy .
          ROCH :\SOC,YOU KNOd, MR . BENNX . . .IT'S EVaR4MW'S CIVIC IATY TO SERVE
                        0N A JURY OftCE IN A WAILE .

          JACK : But Rochester, I'm so busy . . .gosh, IWe got redio,
                        television, end personal appearances
                   : YEAR, I GL_35 EV3RYBODY HAS THEIR OWN.RCH PROAIEMS . . .HgR? THEY
                        EXPSCT YOU '_O,GIV3 UP YOUR JOB AND IENOTE YOUR PULL TIME

                        TO SERVICG ON TfL JURY FOR JUST TRREE DOI.LNRS A A4Y.

           JACK: Sure, it's not right that-- (TAKE) Three dollars a day .

                        fIDm: .

           ROCH : BOSS, YOU'R : BE3INNIN} TO GET THAT CIVICLUTY LOOK IN
                        YOUR EY-' .


           CB




                                                                     Ai 8 q7 00206 1 5
    JACK+ You're right, Rochester-- I'm going . A                            citizen should
r
                 never shirk      his   three-- I meen duty ., .I'llsee you later .

    ORCR : (GO IN3, TO JURY II1TY'fRANBITION FIISIC)
                       (SOUND :    FOOTS72PS)
    JACK: Gosh, they have a lot of courts in this bttilding . . .Nov

                 let'e see . . .where's the one I'm supposed to report to . . . .
                 Oh, here it is--

                       (SOQND :     DOOR           OPENB)                    -
    ELYIA : Yes air, may I help you? '
    JACK: Well, I think so-- I               was   told to report for Jury Duty .

    ELVIA :      Oh . . .well, they're interviewing the proepective Jurors in

                 the   next   room, .


    JACK : . Oh, .then I'll go in there .                .               .                            .

    ELVIA : Before you do, I'll heve to get som3 informetion from you

                 for our records .                            ~

    JACK : Yes me'am . . .
    ELVIA : Your nema?                                                                            .

    JACK : Jack Benny
             : (8IAWLY) Jeck . . .Benny . . .Address? '
                          .ELVIA                                                                      .
    JACK : Three six W-six North Camden Drive
              : (gL(ri7LY) Three sixty-a1x North                .ELVIA
                                                             Camden Drive .        Your
                 occupetion . . .( SM    LAUGHS)    Silly    me, imegitte asking you          a   ~

             ~,~,question like thet . . .everyone knows you, Mr . Benny .                         !

    JACK :IWv;Thenk you .
    ELVIA :      Occupation       -- Bee-keeper .                                         ~

    JACK :        . . .That's right . . .But I'm also a bit of ecomedien~




                                                               AT 90 1 002061             6
                                                                                                    19-

ELYIA : Yey I know your slogan . . . "Get Your Honey, From The Men
            That's Funny" .

JACK : That's right .

ELVIA :     Now, let's get on with the queetlons                     . . . . . .   Your height .

JACK : Five foot ten .

ELVIA :    Your   weight?

JACK: -~nl hundred and fifty eight                       pounds .


ELVIA : Color of your eyes--Oh, they're blue, aren't they?

JACK : Bluer then the thumb of a hitch-hiker in Anchorage,

            Aleska .

ELVIA :     Yes, I've noticed that .         . . . . .   Your age?

JACK : Thirty nine .

ELVIA : Thirty nine?'A T¢B~t's a surprise . . .you look much younger .

JACK : Well, thank                 . ~
                               you .


ELVIA :     I'm e bit of a comedian myself

      : Htamn .                                             .JACK

ELVIA :     Now, tell me, NC . Benny--heve you ever served on                                    a jury


            before?
JACK : No me'em .

ELVIA : Have you ever been .in court before?
 JACK : Yes, every month with the telephone company .                                 . . . .   But I

             don't think that would disquelify~ me from being                                   a   juror .



 ELVIA : No, I guess not . .Now, let - s see-r~----
          ,{~ (80UND : PHONB HINC- ;. . .)

ELUTAS.,dC1 Excuse rte . . .
                  (80L'ND :      RECEIVER   UP . . .)

 ELYIA : He11o . . .8uperior Court .
 CB




                                                                    HT 901           002 0 617
VEOLA : Miss, I'd like soms advice . . . . How do I go about divorcing

             my husbend? I must get rid of him

      : Well, you have to have grounds for .ELYIA divorce .

VEOLA :      Grounds?


ELVIA :      Yes . . .Hes he desei'ted you?

VEOLA :      No .

ELYIA :      Has be feiled to support you?

VEOLA :       No .
ELVIA :      Has be gone out with other women? '

VEOLA : ,, No .

ELUTA : AHss he been cruel to you? ,
VEOLA : No .                                               -

ELOIA : - Well, I'm sorry msdems, but if you don't hevefeg ground"s,
              you can't divorce your husbend .                               .

VEOLA : Oh . . .(ASI ZE ) Well, I tried to do it the [11ce wey,                          Herman .


      .    (SOUND :GUN3[OT)ELVIA

          : I guess she              doesn't   need   ma   ertv more . . .

                     (SOUND : RECEIVER CLICK . .
          : Now, getting back to you, Mr . .)ELVIA Benny, i have ell the

              information I need
      : What do I do now? .JACK

 ELVIA : Go41 La4hr o ahere they're intervlew'ing the
              prospective ,jurors and talk to the Judge :

 JACK : Yes ma'em . .
                                   : .(SOUND COUPLB OF' FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS . . .CLOS9S . . .

 JACK :        . . .5xcuse ma . . .ere you the judge?


 CB




                                                                  Arx    01      0   02061   e        I
                                                                                                                         _21-


N6LgGN : Well, who do you think I am in this long                                                              block   robe,
                                     Vampire?


JACK :                              N:m® . . . . . . Now look Judge, I came down here for Sury duty,

NEI80N :Iknow-rsieyughtnd,JACK

                      : Whst?

NELSON :                             Raise your right hend .

JACK : Alright--there . . .A7e you going to swear me in?
NEL9GN : No, Ifust wanted to see if that old suit vould hold

                                     together .
JACK: Whet?
NELSON ;                             You know, I've got a good,mind to send youup for contempt .

JACK: Why- whet di I say? NSL GN
                                   : Nothing, you're fuat contemptible
                                                               JACK
                       : Now ,fust a second ., . .I cams down .here beoause I vented to
                                     do   my   c'_vic duty, and you insult me . .

                                                                 Benny,              .Youcan'tlkmehawy,I'Jck

NELSON :                             WEid. : : : . . . . . . . . .you can't be e,juror on tb,is case .
JACK : Why not?

NELSON :                            -'1 E~y-cese is Jack Renny versus the Telephone Company,
                                     WAF


JACK : Oh yes . . .I remember now ., .I lost twice, so this tims I

                                     asked f :r a ;ury trial . . .I've got nice 1ege . . . . . 8ee you

                                     next week, Judge . . . .Goodbye .

 (APPlAU SE AND 2_T 1YCr^F)




CB




                                                                                 arxoa,o0 2 0619
                                                                            -22-




     JACK :   I'll be beck in just        a   minute to te11 9ou about mp
              television show which goes on inumdiatelg following this

              program,    but first . . . The Sweetheert of Lucky Strike . .

              Miss    Dorothy Collins .




     JACK : I'll be beck-in just a minute to tell you about my

              television show which goas on at 7 :00 this evening . .but

              first    . . the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike      . . Miss Dorothy

              Collins .




L.
      CB




                                                           rtrxo 1 oo2o 62 o
   THE AtMMICAN TOBACCC CCbIPANY
   LUOKY STRIltB
   THE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM
~ MARCH 20, 1955
   ( : nQMh~,`NRTA .

   WILSON : Jack vill be back in just a minute, but right now,
                                              hsre's a suggestion for you

                                                                                          .LIGkftUPTMEJhC
                   .IE - #1               .21 sec .
                                              (SOUND : TIC TCC - 6 BEATS)

       GRCUP :LightupackySOIA

                        : It's Light Up Time

       GROUP : Be Happy Go Lucky
       SOLC : It's Light Up Time
                                              For the             taste that   you like

  . -- Light up a Lucky Strike

       GROUP :                                Ralax :
                                               (HUM   GLI58)SC&
                                GROUP :        It's Light Op Tims .

       WILSON : That's a grand idea for a pleasant Sunday evening
                                               at ho¢e --or any time at ell vhen you vent to enjoy

                                               a really greet cigarette -)ust lean beck end light

                                               cn a Lucky . Because every Lucky you light is sise

                                               to give you better taste . And here's why : First,

                                               Luckies are made of fine tobacco . Lucky Strike

                                               mesns firm tobacco . Light, mild, natprelly good-

                                               testing tobacco . And then, that tobacco is toeete .

                                               "ri'5 TCASTED" is the famous Lucky Stcike process

                                               that tones up Luckies' fine tobacco, brings it to

~_ .         it's                   peek         of               flavor,        makes                      it   taste   even better .

                                               Cleener, fresher, smoother .                                                 .

                                                                                                                      (Mon)

           BR



                                                                                                                 Ar   801       00   2   06   2   1
 \k
      THE AhERIOAN TOBACCO COI+IPANY
      LUCRY STRIfO;
      THE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM
--("' MARCH 20,
                 .195CLOSI
             . CObPg'.RCIAL (CONP'D)

      WIL40N :           So right now, friends, or anytime et a11 vhen it'e
      (COAT'D)
                         light-up tima for you, Make it a Luokg - the best
                         tasting oigarette you ever emoked!




      LIGHT UP TIME
      JIN3IE - /j3 .13 sec . (SHORT CIASg)

      SOLO & GROUP : For the taste that you like
                         Light up a Luckg Strike
      GROUP :    Right      Now!

                          (HUM GLI :S)
      SpIA :
       (SP05EN :) L+_ght up a Lucky

      SOIp & GROUP : It's Light Up T]me




      gR




                                                      ATH01        0020622    I
    THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
    LUCIY STRIHB
    THE JACR BENflY PROGRAM
~   MARCH    20,   1955

                 .RCL4L (CONP'D)
    CiA9ING COF1ME

    (0 ONAL

    LIGHP I ME
    JINOIS -              .20 sec .

    GROUP :        ht        a         Lucky

    SOLO :                    It 11      ight Up TS7Ge

    GROUP :                e          Happy   o Lucky

    30I:0 :        T_t I s Light TLus
                              ror the teste t you like
                              Light up a Lucky 3trike

    GROIIP ;/       Right             Now :
                               (fi[Rd GLY89)


     (AP0KEN) Light up a
       IA & GROUP : It's LSRht Up T1me




      BR




                                                         Rrxo i   0020623
                                                                            I
TAG)                     ~           ~         -pj-

JACK : Isdies and gentleman, as I said, I1'1m going to tell you
                                             . .~_fhi's isn't for you
        about my television show tonight . .e~'~

        peopls wbo are at homa end can ~p .     it . This is for the

        people who are riding in their cars . . Now this television

         show opens where I -- oh-oh, I see I heven't„got time          ..

         So stop in et-ai/Oqqpfhl house and ~ ~it .1, Goodnight,

         see you on television
                                 . (APPIAUSE AND 14J3IC) ,




CB




                                               19   TYt01,_0020624
                                                             -24-

DON : The Jeck,Benny Program tonight was written by Milt
        Josefsberg, John Teckeberry,   Al Gordon,   Hal poldmen, and

        produced end transcribed by Hilliard   Marks .




        The JecTc   ~~            broi   ~o    you by the   American


        Tobacco Compeny --    K ce ' s leading vfeat uO       of

                    s,




 CB




                                             RTfS01 0020625
                                                                            _22_

          NENBffiYP TARYTON

. . . ~, Nfl 301F
                        Filter smokers : . True tobacco taste . . .reel filtration . .

                        famous TARBYPON .quality . . .they're el yours when you

                         smoke Filter Tip TAN . .FYTON . FilterTip'TAR .~SYTON gives

                        you ell the full, rich teste of TANEYTON'S quality

                        tobacco end real filtration, too, because Fllter Tip

                        TANEYTON incorporates Activated Chercoel, renowned for

                         its unusual povers of selective filtration . Look for

                         the red, white and blue stripes on the package . They

                         idenfify Filter Tip TAR@YTON, the best in filtered

                         smoking .



          IpN:      The       Jack   Henny program   was brought   to you by the
                         American Tobacco Compeny . . Americe I s     leading


                         manufacturer of cigarettes .




          TB




                                                          ATXO1 0020426
,~-~--~
                                               (J . B . R . 10
                                               ~ktOGRAM '

   (.




                         AMt1CAN TOBACCO COMPANY

                                U7CRY STIQKE
                         THE JAOK BENNY PAOGRAM
                                                                           JLc_ .~_~~L~,
                                                          ~  L S-
          SUiDAY MARCH   27,    1955        CBS         4 :00 -J .~ 0 PM PST
                          (TRAISCHJBID JAI3JARY 24, 1954)


                     CAST : Jack Benny
                              Dellnis Day
                              Bob Crosby
                              Don Wilson        ,
                                Rochester
                                The Sportsmen
                                Shirley Mitchell
                                Veola Vonn
                                Harry Shearer
                                Mel Blanc




   L


          MG




                                                       flTH09 0020627
                                                                                           I
    THE AWICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
    LDCKY STRT14 ;                       Opening : 1 .02 Closfng : 1 .37

~   MANCH                    27,B19M                             1955                                ~~~       Total : 2 .39

    OPENING COMMERCIAL                                                                                                             .
    WILSON : TIM JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . .Transcrlbed and presented

                                        by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that tastes better .

    LIOHP
            .UP TIME JINGIS - #1    .21 sec .

                                        (SOUND : TIC T00 - 6 BEATS)

    GROUP : Light up a Lucky

    SOIA :                         It ' s Light Up                                             Time


    GROUP : Be Happy Go Lucky
    SOIA :                  It's                               Light                                           Up      Titm                  -
                                        For the taste that you like

                                        Light up a Lucky Strike

    GROUP :                    Relex

                                                             : (HUM GLISS)

    SOID & GROUP : It's Light Up Tims .
    WIISON : This is Don Wilson, friends . You know ar~y time at

                                         all that you went reel smoking enjoyment is the tims

                                         to light up a Lucky . Because a Lucky tastes better

                                         every time . A=d the reasons why are wprld famoue .

      ,           First                              of                       all,               Lucky       Strike means   fis42 ,tobacco . Fine,,

                                         light, naturally good tasting                                                 tobacco .       And   than,

                                         that                tobacco is toasted . "TT'S TOA$TEp" is the

                                         famous Lucky Strike process that brings Luokies
                                         nayurally good-testing tobacco to its peak of

                                         flavor, tones it up to make it taste even better .
\   Cleaner,                         fresher,                                             smoother . So right .ptov, or anytime

                                         it's light up t].me for you, Be Happy -~Qq Lucky .

                                         Enjoy Lucky Strike -- the best testang oigsrette you ever smoked!


    BR                                                                                                          s


                                                                                                                      Rrx    01    002062        e
          THE AtR3RI0AN TOBACCO CONIPANY
          LUCSY STRj{7,
          THE    JACK BENNy PROGRAM
._G . .   MARCH    27, 1955

          OPENING CO MVICIAL (CONT!D)

          LIGh'T UP TIME
          JINCRi - #3    .13 sec . (SHCkT cIASE)

          SOLO   &   GROUP :   For the taste   that   you   like


                               Light up a Lucky Strike

          GROUP :      Right      Now ;
                               (RUM GLISS)

          SOIA :
           (SPOISEN)           Light   up e Lacky

          SOIA &     GROUP :   It's Light Up Time




                                                                   prx   01   0   0   2062   9
   THE A[$RICAN T®ACCO   COMPANY
   LWRY STRIIm

~. TMA~FtCHA27,~ PROGRAM
   OPLN OFBMftCIAL (CONP'D)

    (0I       )
   LIGRf UP   TIME
   JINOIE -   #2


   GROIIP :
    SOLO :                               Time
    GROUP :                    Go Luclcy
    SOLO :                         Up Time
                                   ste    that   you like

                     Light up e          c kly Strike

    GROUP : / Right Now :
                     (HUN OLIS9)
    SOID•
    (SPOAtN) Light up a,>fucky
                              /
    SOIp & GROUP : It's Ligpt Up Tima
       ~~_         ~//




                                                            Rrx l ., 02
                                                               0   0      063   0
                                                                          -I-
(FIRST ROUTINE)

(AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWii)

DON : THB-LUCfCY STRIKE PROGRAM, BTARRIIiG JACK BE'NNY . . .WITH

           MARY ISVIII(}STONE, RCCHBSTgtt, DEN+US DAY, 80)i CROSBY,

           THE SPORTSMEN QUARTP:1', AND "YOUF9 TRULY" DON WIISON,

(APPLAUSE . .,MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : LADIES AND GEPII'III<SEN. .MANY Tg1FS IN THE PAST I'VE

            OPENED THIS PROGRAM BY TAKING YOU OUT TO JACK BENNY'S

            HQ7SE IN BEVERLY HILL4 .,,&1T TONIGHf, JUST FOR A CHANGE,

            LEf'S ALL GO WT TO MR . AID MRS . BOB CROSBY'S HOUSE,

            ON THE IDGE OF BEVERLY HILT.S
     : (SINGS FSW HARS) Many times„many times, I have wanted
                                    .BO
            your kiss .

               . (SOUD9) : DOOR OPENS)
BOB : Many times, many times --

SHIRI,BYa Oh, Bob, Bob . .

BOB: Yes, June?
SHIRIEY : You've been in the'den here for an hour . . .what are you
            doing?
BOB :(yY•,Just      rehearsing     some son.gs dear ., .I'm thinking of making
            another personal          appearance .


SHIRJ,EY : Personal appearanoe . . .wher?BO

     : Las Vegas .

SAIRLP.Y : Oh Bob, I wish you wouldn't,,,You remember what
            happened # 40      last   time we were up there . .you   gambled


      ! every night arrl           lost   quite heavily .
BOB : `~k I    know .




MG




                                                       Ai807 .0020631
                                                                                      -2-


           SHIRIEY : Well, don't do it again, I miss the baby . .,But really,

~       Bob,    I-m      serious . I wish you wouldn't play another

                       personal appearance .

           BOB :       Well,    why not, dear?                           .

           SRIRIRy :   Well,    you ' re so busy . . .you ' re or Mr . Benny's show every

                       week . . .you play benefits . . .you make records, and you have
                       your own T .V . show five days a veek ., .You're never bome

                       ar_v   more .


           BOB : Oh, June, you're exaggeratirg,
                               (S=D : DOOR 0PE[IS)

           HARRY : Oh, Mother,,, .Mother?
           SHIRLEY : Yes, dear?
    ,      HARRY :     Ca: I go to the park and play ball?                   .

           SffiRITiY : Ce :1,ainly,
           RARRY : Okay, I'11 be back in time for dinner . . .Say, Mom?
           SHIBLIdv : Yes, dear?
           RARRY : WhVs this guy, the plumber?
           SHlRI2'_' : . . .>;'s your father .                       .
           BOB : certainly, I'm your father, don't you recognite
                       me, ;hris?             .
           RARRY : I-m 3teve .

           BOB :     dh,

           SHIRtR? : You =un along, Steve . . . . ard be home in time for dinner .
           HARRY : I vi:l, goodbye, Mother,, .goodbye,,,,DTad? ..

           BOB : 3ood :.ye, goodbye
                                            .(SGUPID
                                       : DOGR CIASES)




           MG




                                                               RrifO9 0020632
BOB : Gosh, l)e1'~s .,~grown, Honey, I could have sworn he was
            Chris . .~k~$hu knov, June, I've been thinking about
            what you sa1d,I .,I~~7hink~I'm going to forget about
            personal appearances, arxl spend more time at home .

SHIRhEY : Oh, Bob I wish you would .
BOB : I will, and not only that . . .I think .,, why don't we
            have a dinner party here at home like we used to .

SHINIEY : Ch, that would be won9erful .,,How about next Saturday
            night?

BOB : That'a fine . . .]HM invite=AM650ei the boys in my band
                            A -
         and their wivesr,,And you know what, June . . .I think we

            ought to invite Jack Benny, too .
SHIRI~,hR : You do?

BOB :/~-i,, Celainly,

SHIRLEY : ;,~ut he's such an important man, ard he's .so busy . . .you
            . . .you can't call 40 and invite him to dinner on such

            ahort notice .
BOB : Well, I'm going to try,                                                                   anyway .


                                   (SOUND :                      COUPLE FOOTSTEPS, . .RPY)EIVF.ii UP, .,

                                                                 DIALLING SIX NUMBF.RS ., .BUZZIId3 SOUAID)

SHIRLEY :   Bob, I think you're making a big mistaker(SOUPID

                                                               : BUZZ OF PHONE)
BOB : Don't ,w roy, June, . .IPve Got an idea . .,

                                   (SOUND : BUZZ)

BCBa-P,We'11 change the date of our dinner to fit Jack's
            convenience .

                                   (SOUND :                      BUZZ   . . .   CIdKOFPHE)JAC
     : Hellc .
MG




                                                                                                           PiTK01 . 0020633
                                                                                                                         -4-

BOB : Hello, Jack, thle is Bob Crosby .
JACK : Oh, hello, Bob .

BOB : Say,,Jack . . .June and I would like to inviteyou to our
                house for dinner . . .ard, well . . .when would it be                                             possible             ,

                foryutcme?JACK
        : Oh, seven o'clock, seven-fifteen, seven-thlrty . . .In

                fact, I>vW -- I cah be over riKht now .                                                     .-

BOB : Well . . .we weren t ttdnkin                       '                    6   of tonight . . .we       were   thinking

                           o^ some night this week . . . .which would be the most

                           convenient?

JACK ;          Oft Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday --

BOB :                      Wel~, you skipped Thursday .

JACK :                           Oh,\JI baby sit that night .

BOB :                            Oh .

JACK :                           I used to do it for you, but you lost your .kid in

                                 Las Veges .

BOB :                            I know, I know . . .But Jack, how about coming over for
                                 dinner Satuiday nibht .                      ~

JACK : Ct Ob, fine, Bobt ard afternner we can have some                                                             f   un . .}7   -

                                 play gin . . .or Scrabble .

BOB :     C   k vo thank you, Jack                           . . .   .   I ll never play Scrabble with you
                                                                          '




                                 a5ain after last Surday s geme ., .You re too tricky for me
                                                                          '                   '




                                  . . .I don t know how in the world you do it .
                                              -




 JACK ;                          Do what?

 BOB : Well, there are only two "Y s" in the game .and yet you                     -




                                 made   the       word   "Money"         eleven times .                .

 MG




                                                                                           arxo 1           002   0 63 4
                                                                                   -5-




JACK : Well, all right,
JACK :                             we'll   play something e1se . . .So long,

           see you Saturday .

BOB : So long, Jack .

JACK : Goodbye, Bob .

                    (SOUND :   AEC Hrm DC/rM)

JACK : Gee, it was nice of Bob to invite me overto his house
           for dinner . . .He's always doing things likethat . .havinB
           people over for dinner . . .taking them out to night clubs

           . . . having parties . . . he'e so generous . . he ought to
           see a psychiatrist . . .Well, when Roohesteroomea home from
           shopping, I better tell him I won't be heme for dinner

           Saturday night . . .Gee, be's been at that m6rket a long
           time .
                    (SWND : DGGR H7ZZEli)
JACK ;     C OMING . . .COMIhG .

                    (SCUPID : FY1(NPSTEPS . . .DGGR CPEiB)

JACK : Oh, hello, Dennis .

DENNIS : Hello, Mr . Benny .

JAO :C : Come on in .
DENNIS :   Thanks .


                    (SWPID :   DOOR   CLGSFS)

JACK : I wasn't expectin6 you              today . .Dennis . . . anything   wrong?

DENNIS :   No,   I,iust wanted to ask you a favor . . .oould you le :d me
                                                                        e


           ten dollars?
JACK : Ten dollars? Yes, I . .I guess so . . .what do you want it for?

DENiSS : I want to get myself tattooed .
JACK : Tattooed? Why?




I(f




                                                       Rrx   01    00   2   0635
                                                                                                                              -6-


DENNIS : Well, I                                                    was in   the Navy    during   the war ard    l   et   nobody   will
                                     believe I was a                          sailor .


JACK : Oh . . .Well, what are .qou going to have tattooed on you?

DENNIS : My uniform,
JACK : Well, that's^the silliest---- Look, kid, if you want

                                     somethiny, tattooed on you to show that you v9re in the

                                     Navy, why don't you .have a life preserver -- or an anchor

                                     . . .or wait a minute, how about the Battleship Missouri?

DENNIS :                             :`o, my mother has that,

JACK : Your mother has a battleship tattooed on her?
DENNIS : When she wears a corset, it looks like St'ssinking .

JACK : AIMt: . .Say,wait a minute, kid, I've got a good idea . . .

                                     why don't you do what I did when I was in the Navy . .,have
                                     theAmricanflgputoyraxm,DENIS

                               : Gee, I didn't know you had the American flay on you .
JACK : YeBi. .I had it done the first day I joined the Navy . .,Wait,

                                     I'll roll up my sleeve and show it to you . . . . See?

DENNIS :Ge,onlythir sa,JACK

                      : Yes, Dennis, only thirteen stars . . .but not for the reason

                                     you think,,,I made the man stop because he .vas hurting me .

DENNIS :Tcenwhydi putemnacirl?JACK

                     : Dennis, I don't want to got into any more discussions with

                                     you ., .Now I'll make you a proposition
                               : Yeah, what?                                                            .DENIS

JACK : If I lerd you the ten dollars, will you let me hear the

                                     sono you're going to do on next Surday's program and leave
                                     immediately .                                                               .           `"


RT




                                                                                                      RTY{D9.~       0020636              1
qw

                                                                -7-




     DENNIS :   Yes sir,

     JACKt Okay,, .here's the ten dollars .


     (APPLRUSB)
     .(DENN(S'S SOPXi -- "AIMOST LII~' BEIIVG IN LOVE")

     '(APPIAUSS)




      RT




                                                    RfXOi 002063?
( SECOPm   ROUTINE)

JACK3~-~~L                                              should                                         8    ~swell           on

             the programrt .noa .go get yo~iu's f tattooea .

DENNIS : Okay . .$W, Mr . Benn y                                             , you know                 what I think I'll do? . . .

             I'11 have them tattoo                                                     a --


JACK : Dennis,~, you promised me if I lent you the ten
             dollars, you wouldn't say anything . You'd just go .
DENNIS : Yes, sir .

JACK : Okay then, go .
DENNIS : A11 right . . . . . goodbye
      : Goodbye .                                                              .JACK
                             (SOUND :DORPENS&CL)JAK
      : That Dennis getstillier and sillier every day . . .I don't

             know how I've stood him all these years . .But it's my own

              fault . .I should have known rwhen I first @aa him there was something wrong with him
                                                                                                      . . .what other man wears a

              size three hat . . .I don't know . .Sometimea,I thlnk --

ROCH : (OFF) MH . BENNY, I'M 9ACK F`tiOM THE MAAIM .
JACK : Good .
ROCH : I'M IN THE KIRCHEN PUPTING TAE THINGS AWAY .

 JACK : I'll come in and help you
                                                      : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS)
                                                                    .~(BOUND

 JACK : Hey, what took you so long, Rochester?
 ROCH : 4lELd ., I HAD A IOT OF THINGS TO DO . . .YOU-1CNOW, I TOOK ALL
               OF THE HAPIDURGER                                   OUT                 OF THE F'REEZ'ER, SOIP-IT AND BOUGHP

               THIRTY-SIX QUARTS                                       OF MILK .

 JACK : Nt1 did you do that?
 ROCH : BEEF WENP UP, MIIH NENf DONN . I'M PIAYING TAg MfRKEf .

 RT




                                                                                                           8   T}f0 1 002063 9        ~
                                                                          -9-




JACK : Say, Rocheater . .vhat's this?
JACK :


ROCH ; A I@AI) OF LEfTUCE
                          .JACK
     : Hov can this be lettuce, it's pure vhite .

ROCH : THE FAD IS OVER, TH&Y'RE Tt1(ING CHIAROPHYLL OUT OF
           EJFliYTHING

     :    Oh .           .JACK
ROCH : BY THE WAY, 68t . BENNY, ARE YOU GOING OUT TONIGHP?

JACK : No, I think I'll stay home and practice my violin .

ROCH : YOUR VIOIIN? OH BOSS, COME NOW!

JACK : All right, all right . . .I'11 vait till you .get out of the
           house . . .Meanvhile I'm going in the den and read for avhile

ROCH : OKAY .                                        .
                  (SOUND : FOOT81'EPS . .DOOR OPENS & CIASFS)
JACK : Gee, I haven't read a book~ in a long t1me . . .Let's see

           vhat's here . . .Bay, here's 4ws I haven't read . . .

           "One   Hundred        Famous Poems" . . .Gee, I haven't read
           poetr y in a long time . .I think I'11 read         this .


                  (SOUND : BOOK TAKEN FROM SHELF . .COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . .

                                  MANSI4TGCHL2)JAK

     : Nov let's see . . .Gee, they have some vonderful poems in

            this book . .kVft Charge of the LightBrigade" . . .

            "Hiavatha . . . . . . TheWreck of the Hesoerus" . . ."Gunga Din" . .

            "There Was An Old Lad.y From--" voops, somebody pencilled

            that in . .,Oh, here's one of my favorite poems, qM I

           heven't read it in years . .''The Shooting of Dan MeGrev" . . .

            I think I'll read that . .'"The Shooting of Dan McOrev"

           by Robert W . Service .

(MUSIC)

RT




                                                         RiYt01, 0020639
                                                                                                                             -10-



JACK :
JACK :                          (FILTFR)                    (WESTII2N)                                          _
                                        A BUNCH        OF   THE          BOYS   WffiiE HfBOCPING S2 UP

                                           IN THE MAIAMVPE SALGCN
                                        THE KID THAT HATmLES THE                        MUSIC BOX


                                        WAS    HPPTING A JAG TIME TUNE

                                                            SONG         FOR FLM          .(TINYPAGiSIN Affi)
                                                                                       BARS                     FADES OUT)

JACK : (RF7G . MIRE) (HSSTFRN) Hey Bartender . .,bartender . . .

                                           (SGSIPm : SLAPPING ON BAR)

JACK : RARTEPIDII2
     :                         Yeah .           :M6L

JACK : Ah vant a drink of whiskey .
MEL :                          Ckay . . .hov much whiskey do you want?

JACK : About three fingers
     : Here you are .                                             .MEL                                            .

                                           (°ONfID :    POURING)


JACK : Ahh, gimme another drink
     :Howmuchtis me?JACK                                                        .MEL
                           :      Oh,   about four fingers .

MEL :                             Okay .


                                           (SOUND : IITTLE IpNGFR PCURING)

MEL : There you are . .fQUr fingers of vhiskey .
JACK : Ahhtilihh .
MEL : You knou, Mister, you're the first man I ever saw drink
                                  out of a glove .                                                               . .

Jf.CK : I always do . I'm the only man in Alaskathat# got a
                                  hangnail with a hangover . . .Doggone . .I've'6een trapped in

                                  this saloon for eight days by that darnQdblizzard ., .
                                  How much longer do you think it will last?

RT




                                                                                          RTif03 :0020640
MEL :                                    I don't knoa .

JACK : Well, I'm gonna take a look outside and see hov the
                                         weather is .

                                               (SOUND : EIGHP HEAVY FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS AND WE
                                                             HEPR THg DAtR]F'SP STORM WITH WINDS IAWLIt1G
                                                             I.IK4 CRAZY . .ON CUE, THE DOOR CI OSES AND

                                                             SOUND OUT . .EIGHC    HEAVY   FOOTSTEPS   BACK)

MEL : Hov is it outside?

JACK : Cloudy . . .Look, Bartender, being stuck in a place like
                                         this for eight days can drive a guy nuts . . .P40 got to

                                         have a little excitement . . .XW Fell you vhat . . .I'11 bet
                                         you five dollars I can shoot those three glasses off the

                                          top shelf in three shots .                                      .

MEL : Five dollars says you can't
                                    : It's a bet . . .Stand back, everybody .
                                                                    .JACK
                                               (SOUPm :      SHCT . .GIASS CRASH) _

JACK :                                   There's one .
                                               (SOUfIIID :   SHO'i . .GL45S CRASH)

JACK :                                    There's two .

                                               ( SOiHID :    SHOT)
:SEL : (PAUSE) You lost .

JACK : No, I didn't .
hiEG : I've got twenty dollars more that says you did .

JACK : It'e a bet

                                                        . (SOUCID : aLASS CRASH)

JACK : That slov bullet has made me a fortune ., ;Anybody else
                                          want to bet?

 (EAGSY TARS AMESONG TINYPIANO)RT




                                                                                     Ar 80 . 1 00 206 e 1
∎


    JACK : Hey, you at the piano .

    (BAOBY   STOPS)


    JACK : Don't you knov any .othermusic?MEL
         : Nah, he's iggerant . . .But those fur--four !'urtrappers in
                  the corner . .

                           .JACK
          : You must've had five fingers yourself .

    IM : I say, those four fur trappers in the corUer . . .they can
                  eing some songs .                     .

    JACK : Well, let's hear some .               ,

    MEL :     Okay . . .take it, felloxs .




    RT




                                                 H7YfO.1 . .0020442
«

    (   IM   G)
    QUART ;       ALOUETTE GENTLE AIAUEM'A

                  AIAUElTE JEP'Y PIAMNRAIS
                  ALOUETTE                             LIGHPACIGAREPTALUC16 STRI
                                                                            KE




                  JE SAIS TRES BON JO'LE JEP'Y PLJJMffiiAIS LE TEP
                  LIGHT                             A IJJCNY,                      ALOUETTE


                  JEP'Y PLim¢RAIS LA TEP
                  LIGHC A LUCHSC,                                                  ALOUETTE


                  AIAU87.'TER ALOUECP$, CIGARETTE, CIGAREfTE AHNR

                  ALOUEiTE PUFF FER CIGf

                                                                                         .R%'7TA MADE OF FINE TODAQOO OCH L4 LA

                  ALOUETTE                                GF3flLE AIAUEPTA                                                              .

                  WROTE A IY'1TFR TO HE}t                                                    DEAR                 PAPA
                  I EREISWNATZELZ'PFIiSAY"SE
                                               ND   MORE UJCKIES                       RIGHT             AWAY"
                   SONAMAGUN BUT ESKIMO

                  ZAY SMOKE UJCRIES                                                   TOO,     YOU               KNOW


                  ESiCUAO, ESKIMO, SMOKE YOU ENOW, SMOKE YOU RNOW
         . AWTTE ALOUEITE, CIGARETTE CIGAREP:E

                   ZAY ALL LIICE, ZEY ALL LL(E

                   IUCICY STRIKE, LUCEY STRII{n' . .AHIIX . .                                                                               .

                  AIAUE`TE PUFF HEI CIGARELTE

                   SHE IS JUST AS HAPFf AS CAN BE

                  WITH HER LUCEIES, MADE OF FINE TOBP .CCO



                   L°MF, L4M1iFT LIVING MID ZE ICE AND SNOH

                  WE'RE SO VffitY GLAD TO ENOW
    RT                 (MORE)




                                                                                                                                  At'6i01, 002Q643
                                                                                                                                                     I
QUART : SHE'S AS .HAPPY AS CAN BE

           WITH AN ISMF`P, S¢'P, NFT WE AGREE, WE AGtiEE


               ESKII40, E9KIM0, SMOKE YOU KNOW, SMOKE YOU IINOW .

               AUJUEP7.'E, ALAUEfTE, CIGARETPE, CIOAHEMB,
               THEY ALL           LIKE,          THEY ALL         LIKE


               LUCEY STRIKE, LUCKY STRIKE . . .AHHH                                   ..

               BSlJUEfTE, PUFF HER CIGAHEPTA

               THROUGN ZE              LONG        AND         LONESOME   ARCTIC NIGHPS

               IN THE NORTH SO MANY

               LIGHP UP IACKLES                            .                          ..
               THATIS WHAT MAKE ZE NORTHFRN LIGHCS .

(APPIAUS"n,)




                                                                              HT}f01 0020644 1
    (TNIRD                  RoiII'ING)                        -15-

    MEL : Well, hov did you like the song?
(
    JPGK : That sras c'est si good .
    MEL : Hey look, Mister . .the blizzard      is letting   up .

    JACK : Yeah . .Well,•I think I'11 get going . .Where's piy pardner . . .
               H6Y, WIIHON . .WIL40N .

    DON : (COMIN3 IN)         Here I     em .
    JACK : Come on, we're going up North to find gold . .gold, do you
               heer me, gold .                                 ..

    DON : ('T~'RY DRAMATIC) Just a minute, pardner . Don't risk your
               life out there in these icy vestes looking for,gold . .vhat

               is gold? Can't eat It? Can you drink it? Gold is only
               money, and money vill only bring you unhappipess, misery

               ar8 sorrow

         : (1A0K5 AT ALIDIIESILT:) Would you mind repeatitlg thet?
                        .JACK

    DON : Morny vill only bring you unhappiness, misery and sorrpv .
    JACK : This boy is not only fat but he's stupid . . .Row come on,

               le :'s get the dogs reedy and the sled . . .ve're going .
                      (80Ufm : DOOR OPENS . .WI1m ALID STORM NOISF4
                                 4P AND DOdN)

     (MUSIC)




    SE




                                                     ATM 010020l45
                                                                                                                                                              -   16




JAOK : (FIL'4Yi) WERE YOU EVER OUT IN THE GHEAT ALONg,



                              WHEN TH6 MOON WAS AWFUL CIEAR ANI) 27E ICY MOUNTAINS AFIIMFA YOU INWITH A SIIIIiCE YOU COUITJ IZA4

                                                                                                                                          .

                              WITH ONLY Tf 2 HfAn7. 0F ATIIMB IIi WOIF "
     .    AND        YOU                  CAI+ PND                               THERE                 IN THE COID ,

                               A HAIF llBAB THING IN A S'i'AHK IEPD WOHLD,

                               CIBAN MAD FOR THE MUCK CALIED GOLD .

                                          : WIND AND STORM NOISES FOIZO4EP '(SOUND BYDOG SIED
                                                   NOISES . .SIED GOING . .DOG EARI@70 . .WHIP

                                                    CHAGKIlX3 . .SOUND6 oUT . .BVi SLSTAIN SLED &
                                                   WIPID IN B .G
         : (REG . MIlSE) We're going mightrslow~y,~ ed t' .B all your fault,
                                        .)JACK

             74FIVAl   R- .I took you on as a perdner because I'pas a greenhorn
                 . . .You told me you knew everything about the                                                                                       X   ukon . . .You.

                 told me you knew .how to .handle these dog tesms                                                                                          and     sleds .

DON : Of course 1 do . . .whet makes you think I                                                                                              don!t?




JACK : Wel1 . . .I have a feeling the doas should be pulling the sled
                 end we should be riding . . .I'm sure of it .

                       (SOUfm :TERHIFCAKOWP),

;ACK : And           that       cocker spaniel with the whip is :purQar . .                                                                                   AliQ



                 dog yells "Mush" at me once more, there's goilne be trouble .'"'J

DON : Gee, I cen t stend this no more . .Three
                                      '                                                                                                       weeks   we    been             .
                 travelling through thsse frozen wastes . .I vi@h

JACK :f~ ~te9 look ; ~          1               a            men . . . an Eskimo

     : ~~ O,aC Yeah, I'11 go"and
             ,
                                                                talk            to+'him .                                          .?ON


Sa




                                                                                                                               flrx01 00 20646
                                                                                                                -17-

JACK : *Won't do eny good, these Eskimos don't talk any Englieh .
DON : I know, but I talk Eskimo . . .I'11 say hello to him . . .

                                Hey                Comoari
                         : That's                     Eskimo?.JAOK

DON : Look, he's eoming toward us . .end he's carrying food .

JACK : Yeah . . .meybe he'll give us some, Blubber ., .I .mean maybe

                                he'll give us some blubber, . .Hey, he wants to talk to us .
BOB : Oooogie ooogie wea wee meggehoo magg&e,

JACK :Whatdiesy,whatdiesy?DON
                     : He seysW his name is , . .he's a Mighty Htmter and he's
                                Chief of an Eskimo tribe

                           : Oh . . .Ask him if he'll be .JACK our guide and l .ead,ue to the gold .
DDN : Moogle mowgli unge takarre igloo . Msraboo qogie glub naggi

                                kochtega?JACK
                            : Three of my writers must come from Pismo Beach, or something .

 B OB : Nuggi nuggi tehken .

 DON :                                      He     says    he can't be our guide, he' sqs something else to do .
                                                                                      'go
                                                                                           1
  JACK : Ask him what ~J?
  DON : Oogie toole naggerra?

 BOB : Takke loogi moogie papoose nunga was was .

   JACK : Ylhat did he say?
                                     ., .-~
  DON : He's gotte go to Les Vegas !6 piok up his kid .
   JACK : . Oh . . .Nell, let's go on by                                          ourselves . . . Goodbye, Eskimo .


  BCB :                                         Goodbye,    and don't forget dinner       Saturday    night .

    JACK : I won't                                         . . . Come   on, let's go .

                                                      (SOIIfID :     SNAP   OF WHIP)

    MCsL : (BARKS TWICE) MI$H .


     SE




                                                                                               RrxO   I   00 0  2   647
JACK : I'm nullSna it . I'm Du17 .in¢ it . . .
                               (SOUND : WIND, DOGS,                  SIED G0IN3)

JACK : WAIT A MINUPE, WIL40N . .IOOK . .IAOIC AT THE 81M-OF THAT
                 MOUNR'AIN . . .WE'VS FOUND IT . . A VEIN OF PLIltS OoIp . . DO YOU

                 F'_.FH ME, WIL40N . .LOOK AT IT . . .PURE GOID .
                                                                                          .OHBY,AMIUNP SERABINOHY
                                                                        ; . . . . . Come on, Wilson, l.et's
                  dig that gold and go back to the seloon .
                               (SOUND : WIN1) AND STOBM UP AND DOWN)

JACK
         : (FIL`PLR) BACK OF THB BAR, IN A SOID GAME SAT DANMOUS DAN McORLW AND WATCHIIIG HIS LUCK WAS HIS LIGHT-O-IpvE


                                     T'HE LADY THNT ' S KNGdN AS                      LOU .             .
                                     WHEN      OUT     OF    THE    NIGHP WHICH WAS FIFTY BBIAW

                                     AND      INTO THE DIN ANI) GLARE
                                     THEftE STUABiED A MI NE R FRESH FROMl4'IiE CBMENS


                                     DCG DINTY AND LOADED FOR BEA,R . .

                               (SOUND :         SLPPPING ON BAR TWICE)

JACK : ~~i^.G . MIIQi) Okay, Bartender . .I've struck it rich . .Set up
                   drinks for everybody .

VEOLf+ : Dces that~inc~lude me, Hendsome?

    JACK :        AINVORWOUdWROM  _ does, Lou . I came right back here                                                    after


                   _r f-rWing the gold              just      to aee you .

VEOLA : Well, the minute I heard you ves coming, I hurried homs
                   and got into this neW dress
          : YcuiOW must have been in .JACK a hurry . . .you .didn't get ell

                   the     way into it . . .But Lou, I ~ft got presents for you now

                   that        I'm rich . .I've got               diamonds          and ermi nefuxo, jeeels,

.                  and     a    yacht      for you .



    SE




                                                                                       arxo~ ooz0sae
                                                                                     -19-


VEOLA : Oh, derling .,es                                   me,

47MUMMMINWv

(VSOLA & JACK GO INTO A RICE LONG KI88]3V0 CLINCH)                              .

JACK :       . . .Hell, after that kiss I won't need my dogs or my sled

             anymore .
VEOLA :      Why   not?

JACK : There         ain't   no more    snow between         hsre and the North         Pole . . .


             Gimme,another kiss, Lou .
VEOLh : Surs,~~I'I~l~i~'-oh, vait a minute, be cereful . .here comes
             Dargerous Dan MoGrev .

  .5ICAL 3TAIGER)
(M0

IENNIS : Lou, come here e minute
         : Yes, Dan .                      .V50LR                              ..
]8NNI3 : Didn't I aee you kissing this stranger a minute ego?

JACK : Yes, you did,, .hey, he does sound dangerous .,yWhet about it?

TBNNIS : Do you know what I do to guys I catch kissing1my gal?

JACK : Whet?
DENNIB : I cut off their beads end                  hang   them up by       their    hair

         : Oh .                                                                             .JAOK
18NNIS : I'll have to         think of something            different for .you

         : Oh, I ein't scered .,Now listen to me, Dan MoOrew, .JACK Lou is                           .

              my gal and I'm teking .her with me
           : Oh no, you're not, . .drav your gun .DENIS .

 V&OLA : (PRIGHI'ENED) Don't, .don't fight, boys,                         please .


 JACK : Get out of the           way,   Lou . . .I'm       ready,   Dan .




 SE




                                                                     19   TiiO7 0020649
                                                                                    -20-

JACK : .(FILTER) TNBN I REACHED FOR MY ROD APII) THE YSGNTS WENT OUP,
                    ANO TWO 6WNS BLpZ6D IN THE DARK
                                                                .(SO~TWNP)
JACK : (FILTER) Am YA WOMAN SCREANIF•D

                    AND   THE LIGHTS     WENT IIP

                     AND TWO   MEN LAY STIFF ANO STARK,

MEL :    441 oye,   Stiff .


IHiNNIS : (STRAIGkfP VOICE) So long, Stark .
                                                  .D
JACK : (FIL'CfsR) PITCIED ON ffiS F1GAD AND PLAIPF Fllld. OF IEAD
                    WAS DAN()E .ROUS DAN tACOFa'sW

                     WHIIE Tf[E MAN FROM THE OR7.9L5

                     L4Y CLUfCkRD IN THE ARM4

                     OF TN6    LADY   THAT I S KNOdN AS   LOU            :

(APPLAUSE & PLAYOFF)




BE




                                                     arx 01 .                0020   e 50   I
dACR :                Ladies and gentlemen,             tonight   through careleeeneee

                      a    fire   could   start   - a fire thet could claim your
                      life and the        lives   of your children . Don ' t let

                      It    happenl Be on guard           constantly   ageinet fire .

                      Make sure every metoh . . .every cigarette . . .la put

                      out . Alweys        check   the ashtraye before leaving the

                      house or retiring for the night . Obeerve               all   fire

                      regulations .        Romonber . . .only Lou can prevent fire .


                      Thank you,

         (AYPLAUSR)


DON :                 Saok will be bsck in          j   ust a minute, but   right   now,

                      heru ' e a    suggestion     fer youe




                                                                  (tT'FSq 1 ODi?0651
A- .
       THE AMERICAN T OBACCO COMPANY
       LUCKY ST A
       TRE JACK B      PROGRAM
       MARCH 27, 195 5


       claslx3 Co   MME   RCIAt
       WII .40N : Jack will be baok in just                         a   minute, but right now,

                                  here's a    suggestion   for you .

       LIGHPUP    TIME
       JINGfB -   #1        .21 Sec .
                                  (SOUND : TIC T00 - 6 BNATS)

       GROUP : Light up a Lucky

       50L0 : It's Light Up Tims

       GROUP : Be Happy Go Lucky

       SOIA : It's Light Up Tim e

                                  For the taste    that    you like

                                  Light up a     Lucky   Strike

       GROUP : Relex :
                                  (HUM GLISS )

       SOLO & GROUP : It's Light Up TLn
              :                   That's   a grand idea,
                                                     eWISON   friends    -- )ust laan beok and

                                  light up e Lucky . Because every Luoky,you light                  is


                                  sure to give you better taste . And her e's              why :


                                  First, Luckiesare        made    of fine tobeoco . IS/MFT,

                                  Lucky Strike me6ns fine tobacco . Light, mild,
                                  naturally good-tasting tobacco . And then,                 that


                                   tobacco is toasted . 1T'S            TOASTED   1s the famous

                                   Lucky Strike process that tones up             Luokies'


                                   naturally    good-testing tobacco, bringiag it to its

                                   peak   of flavor, so that it tastes even better .

                                   Cleaner,    flesh9r, amoother . So,        frionds,     enytime
                                          . .{,r_ .p _
                                   itig --o . _i ,_ time      Be   Happy - R~ Lunkv! Make voux '

                                   cigarette - bet ter-tast Lucky Strike :




                                                                           Arxoi      00   2 0 552       1
/ . THE At.& .'RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY .
     LLONY STRIIQ's
     THE JACK HBNNY PROGRAM
-/~ MARCH 27, 1955
     C7n4rrr: r,MmnnrstrTkL ( .ONP'D)

     LIGHT IIP TIME
     JINGIE - //3 .1) sec . (SHORT CIq9E)

     SOLO & GROUP : For the taste that you like

                          Light up a Lucky Strike

     GROUP :    Right        Now!

                           (HUM   GLISS)

      3010
      (3P0REN) Light up a Lucky

      SOLO & GROUP : It's Light Up Time




      BR




                                                    19   i7t01   00206 53
 ~
     ' THg A1+BRICAN TOBACCO COHIPANY
. . LUCKY 3TRI$R
      TN6 JACK BENNY PROGRAM
   ~ MARCH 27, 1955
     owslra CoMMERCrAL (GONT ' n)
     (oPTIONAL)
     LIGRT UP TIF1E
     JINGIS - #2

     GROUP :

     SOLO :


     GROUP :


     SOLO :
                               the taste
                          r~
                          Light   up a    Lucky


                          Right   Now :
                          (HUM GLISS)




      BR




                                                  arxo 1 oo 2 o 6 5 4
~-__           -
                                                                              -23-




     (TAG)



~~JACK : We're a little late, so goodnight Sol$e
                                                         .(APIUSENDGC)



     DON : The Jack Benny Program vas written byS@m .Perrin,

                 bfilt Josefsberg, George Baiser, John TaOkaberry,

                 Hal Goldman, Al pordon, and produced snd

                 transcribed by Hilliard Marks .




 L
      JG




                                                   prxot                 00   2 0655   1
                                                                                -24-
HERBENT TAREYTON
HR   3GZP


             Filter smokers!     Here's   the true tobacco taste
              you ' ve been looking for . Filter Tip 7%REYTON

              gives you all the full, rich flavor ofTAHEYTON t S
              famous quality tqbacco . . .and real    filtration,       too :

              Filter   Tip TAREYTON incorpostes Activated
              Charcoal, renowned for its unusual       powers     of      4

              selective   filtration and used far and     wide     to
              pirify the air we breathe, the     water   and
              beverages we drink . Look for the red, vhite
              and blue    stripes on   the package . They   i   dentify
              Filter Tip TARS M ON, the beet in      filtered


              smoking .


              The Jack Benny Program flas brought to you by

              the American Tobacco Company . . . . . America's

              leading manufacturers of cigarettes .




 JG




                                                  fiTKO9         00206     56

				
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