Jack Benny Program 1954 Jan-Mar by xiaopangnv

VIEWS: 33 PAGES: 359

									                                                      PROGRAM #17
                                                      FGVISED SCRIPT




              THA AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY_

                        7.UCISY °TRII{E
                  THE JArK BENNY p RCGRAM



OiRVDAY,,,,_SAMLARY~;,1954           ^B°            4 :0_0 ° &, .30 PM PS'P

              (TRAN50RIE1ED DEC-wMBF~'R 23, 1953)




                                                       (=17 ' X 0 9 C71   84 5?
                           'PEsE AMG7iI0AN TO&1CC0 CObII'ANY
                            "TI-IF JACg 3EP7NY _rAC_GRAM" #17
7 :00 - i :30 PM EST JANUARY                         3   .    1994                              SUMIAY

WILSON : THE JAC={'3ENNY PRCGRA[4 . . .Transcribed anrl presented by LL"CR~'
           SLRIISE!

COLS.INS : Luckies taste better :
CF_ORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoocner!

COLLINS : Luckies taste better!
C YiORUS : Cieener, Fresher, Smootner!

           For    Lucky    Strike means fine tobacco

           Richer-tasting        fine         tobacco
COLLINS : Luckies taste          better!


CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootiner!

           Lucky Strike : Lucky Strike :
WILSON :   This ia    Don   Wilson . Friends, -.;nereos no doubt =_bout 1t .

           Smoking enjoytt;nt is               all   a       matter of taste . And the fact of
                                                         .,
           the matter is I l uckies taste better, Cleaner Fresher,
           Smoother . Now,          freshness            is particularly important,            for   if
           a ci g arette isn't truly fresh, it oan ' t possibly give you

           the    an j oviwnc it should . That ' s why every pack of Luckies
           is extra       tightly    sealed -- to bring you Luckies' better taste

           in    all its netural frestmess . Yes, Luckies do taste better
           because -- f irst LS/P+ E T - Lucky 3trike                    m   eana iine tobacco .

           Then, too, Luckies taste better because they ' re made better, .,

           made    round   and    firm and           fully      _.acked, to draw freely and
           smoke    evenly .



                                 Mo,s_" I )




                                                                              HT .'s6 0 1 CI   18457      4
. 4fENING COWk .RCL1L (CO :VTINIIED)

 tif1L50N : (GOSFPIM7ED) So, £rierAs, smoke            the   cigarette   that   has better
             teste ur"nen it ' s niade, and then       brings you      all that better

             tssce '_n a fresh cigarette .         Yes,   Be   Happy    -- Go Luc - . Ask
             for a   carton   o? Lucky    Strike   and f.i_ad out for gourself tfl»t
             Luckies really do taste        better .


 COLLINS : Luckies tsste better!
 CHORUS : C.lean e r, Freshsr, Smoother!

             Lucky Strike!     Lucky     Strike!




                                                                         "
                                                                    RT KU1 C)78 4 Sr`E+
( .rn?s~ .at~=~ sxaa

 (FSRST ROUPINE)
 (AFTER COMMF'
             .,RCIAly MUSIC UP AND D0,IN)
DON : THE: LUCKY STR]1SE PRCGRAM, STAFRING JACK &ENNY,,,WITH MARY

             LPlINGSTONF, ROCHF.STER, DEDPdIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, THE

             SPOHTSMEN O,UARTET, AND 'IOURS TRULY" DON WILSON .

 (APPLAUSE, .,M'JSIC IIP AND DCWN)

DON : LP.D IE S AnD GENTIEMEN, ,.~ IDAY WAS
                                 .R                           NEW ~M       ARS DAY,     AND

             1QINsTEE N'FIF'PY-.FOUR `dAS USI4,'} = IN            BY   THE NATION'S
             isR ID I'nON CLASSIC, TII, ROS E BCY,dL GAME BER4J EEN                 U .C .L .A .      AIm
             MICHIGAN STATE BEF'ORE P. RECORD CROWD OF N+'
                                                         .ARLY ONh" HUNDRF37
             THOUSAND PJCPLE ., mHIS GAN',E 9IWAY5 PROuUC3S STATISTICS

             THAT ARE MUL LED OVFR BY SPORTS LOVERS FOR 41EEKS TO COME
                                 .
             . . .HCW    MANY       YAFO S   ACH TEAM
                                             B           GAINED   BY RUNPiI_NG,,,HQr! Ma1NY
             YARDS      GALNED BY PASSING ., .H(kl         MANY   PASSES COMPL£^ ED ,, .HOvI
             NP.yY IfYPERCEPTF"vD,,, ~7 S,        EVEN   T;+E ,±lAR OF OUR SHOW 3AS

         ti STUNNED BY THE AMAZISdG FIGiII2ES COMPILasD BY T HIS
             TOCriBArl    .   CLASSIC .



JACK : A hundred thousand people at five dollars aplece .,,Gosh

             . .what a gar.re .

DON :   ~-   It must have hee n , .Iack . . .It seems             ifffit    the Rose Bowl
         Gamea get more and more exciLir_e                   every         year .
JACK : Fou t re not kidding,j .~2 can remericer when j ;t was                           only

         =1g'ntv thousand people at                three    dollars apiece ., .Anyway,
         Don, did             you   -zotica that play     where    Paul Cameron got               the

         ball ffi ---
                m


DON : I didntt see the ga+ce, Jack .
JACK : You didn't--=vlait a minute, Bon . . .I thought I saw you in

         Pasadena that morni_7g .

DW




                                                                       53 1- ;+SO   1   0   9l3   4   = t
                                                                                                        1   7
                          ~~ry~
                   llON :,r'r}~You did, but 7 went right home . . .yr.d               I'm        never going
                                      there   again .


                   JACK : Oh, cheer up, _ion . . .mayce next year you'11 w+n the prize

                                      as the best f .oat,,,And take those ^oaes out of qour hair,

                                              .G7,~I~y, . .besides, I thoughtlg'~` ~-
                                   you look ~ai
                  BIN3 : rii, Jac iA „DOn.

                   JACK :             Oh, hello, Bob .         ~'''
                  DON : I~til~ieo, Bob,,,Jack and I wer^talking about the big garce

                                   New Year's :,ay,

                  JACK : You sew it, didn't you, Bob?
                  BOB :            Oh sure . . .I haven't missed a ga :r,e in the kose Bowl since
                                  Bi.ng bought it,

                  JAC-iLEj :1 Bing,,,bou¢_ht the Rose Bowl?

                  BOB : Well, not exactly, he                   bought   Pasadena and tney threw that
                                   in,
                                                        .W i
                  JACK : Oh . . .well, Bob~imuch as I like your brother, we're

                                  supposed to be doing a radio program,

                                                                             . .Pdow get your band reedy                  lcl~-

                                         __

~ 3(LS :What's ematr,Jck?ACK

                               : ~ Look at Rice, your,bass fiddle player .
                  BOB : '17 h at about h.im? Iie's "
                                                   "-ahe best baae-pls-Yer                                 t
                                                                     * country,                      in

                  JAOK : I knorc~but look at hiafiddle .,,~~it has six s ilver

                                  handles on<i~t, .,,leok.          ~\                                              ~
                 BOB :            Well,                   e ffor You,,,if enyC" happena to him, he\

                                 -;
                                   kaean't     went     us~go to any expense . ~~
                  J~~." Well, it'e a nice tho ht, but                     tell   Rice t\ put down that ~
                                  shovei, use a bow, andw out the candles on the music
                                  stand,,,what a character .




                                                                                         HTki 0 1              01845,   r'8
DON : BPq, Jack, what }:ind of a program are we going to do
               t W ay?

.iACK :       Well,      Don, since this is our               first       stow of the New "ear,
               I thought maybe             we   oup_nt to    do    a    sketch   hased c~iaa--oh,
               hello, Mary

                            .MARY
           : rii Jack . . .Hi i'ellows,,,F.e11o, Don .
D   CN :       Hello,      Mary,      ae glad you~re
                                     jA                       feeling       better .
                                                                                      c
JAC K : Yes            Mary,   it I s certaiiv.y good to have you                         ack on the
               showl

P44RY :       Well      Jack, 1 hated to miss last Sunday ' s program, but I

               had that thing             that's   been going around . . .Virus X .
JACK :        Yes .     I know . That ' s why I             sent       over my doctor .
MARY :         Sorre    doctor,


JACK : Why, whatta wrong?

MARY : I 1 ve got r,ews for you, h e 's a horse                            doctor .


JACK : He 3 .s not a horse                  doctor ;


MARY : i3e isnrt, eh? When he got to my house, he threw a blanket

               ~iver mo and walked me around the room to cool me off .

JACK : No .

h+ARY : When he sterted to Lra'd my hair, I ,                               threw him      out .
                                                                         aw3',r i
JACK :         uh   well    then     that explains       T called him up
                                                            it y-On e      day
                                                        ...e
               and toid him my ankles hurt and he sent f over fr,ur bandages
               . . .Well anyway, Mary, didn .et               my       doctor give you any advice
               at aIl?
MARY : Yes .             (LAUGHINGLY)           He told :r.e I had Virus 7; and I
               shouldn ' t     run   iomorrow .
JACK : Mary, l'm trying to be serious . What did he really tell

              you?
DW




                                                                                 P?PY{ 0 1     0   1 k'+4r+r'4
KARY : Well, he said it wasn't dar :gerous, gave me a

          nerscription and c•herged me t•en dollars .

JACK : Uh .

yARY : And he told me that three hundred thousand people had

          V irus .{ .

JACK : (Thsee hundred         thousand   people at ten dollars a--      - G   ee,
          that's even better than        football .)


MA3Y : Jack„o what      are   you mumbling      about?
                      ~qa f ~
JACK : Nothing, nothinr.TiSow come on . . .this is our New Year's

          Show so let's get on with it,

BOB --,~,,Sy the way, n.ave any of you kids mada New Year's

      °   resolutions'?
DOY : I have .
JACK : Oh, you have, Don?

DON : Yam .Z .T4 made a resolution to cut my food in half,

JACK : Well, r_'m glad to heer that . . .it isn't good manners to

          take a whole turkey and stuff it in your mouth :

DONr}'~ No no, Jack, T'm serious about losing weight . Itve given
          up breed, butter and potatoes,
JACK : Don, if you ever stop eating potatoes, Idaho will secede

          from the IInion . . .And epeaking of resolutions, I hope that

          Denni.s Day resolves not to annog me an=,?more with those---

BOB : %.~By the way, Jack, where is Dennis?

JACK : Oh, he won't be here for the show . He gets sillier every
          day, .,FIe sent me a note saying that he wes in the hospital

           . .Stupid kid, expecting me to believe What he told me .
DON : Waitia minute, Jack,            there's   a lot of sickness    going

          around ., .Dennis   could   be in tine :iospital .




                                                          1   ?T ;Kpi 048 458 r. .t
JACK : Having a ba
MARY : Say, Zack4do you m4{ul 1f I don't stay for tne whole

          program? . . .I'd like to leave early .

JACK : b7hy, what do you have to do?

MARY :   Nothing,     I just can f t stand thirty minutes o*'            this .


JACK : I don ' t     blame    you . . .5ar, 3ob, as long as Dennis isnrt 'oere,
                                        _ .:c,„ ,.»~ „-y~t~ ..
                                          4~
                                                               .   --
          would 7ou consider

BOB : (3INCS)        Many    times,      m   any tiares

          I have wanted       iy       9t
                                   QttmE i ss .

JACK ;    Wait for    the    orchestrat . . .

BOB : .G,A(V m sorry~
JACK : 'Pake itt fellows . . .Yihet an eeger beaver .

(APPLIME )

(BOBI$ 80PIG - nMAPIY TINES")
(APPLAUSE)




LW




                                                                   t3T ;! 0 7 C)t8 45 83
  (SECOND ROUPINE)                                                     -6-

  JACK :/'hO"That was Bob Crosby singing "Many Times" . . .and very good,

               Bob, very good .
  BOB : And no w fo an ncore I wil sing---

  JACK ;       Bob, we 0    y need one sa
               very important . . .

                             (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR)
  JACK : Now who sgn that be? . . .COME IN .

~          (SOUND ; DOOR OPENB)
  JACK : Hey, it's Mel Blanc

         : (SLIGHT MOOLEY) I hope.MEL I'm not interrupting nothing, Mr .
               Benny .
- JACK : No, no . . .what did you want, Mel?

- MEL : I wanted to tell you that I'm available again .
  MARY : Available again?

  MEL :     Yeah . . .I was sick with that Virus, but Mr . Benny was kind

               enough to send over his doctor .
  MARY : Oh, Jack's doctor, eh . . .What did he do for you?
  MEL : He gave me a shot and now I feel fine . . .

               (WHINNIES LIKE HORSE)
  JACK : ', Mel, I'm glad you're better again, and I'll keep you in mind

               if anything turns up . . .
  N~L : Thanks .

  JACK : Oh, just a minute, Me1 . . .Folks, give Meh'a great-big hand .

  (JACK CUES IN APPL4BBE AGAIN)
                                      ~      .
 ME6 :        . Oh, Mr . Benny . . .I7ion't like to mention it, but this year you

               forgot to give me a Christmas present .
  JACK : You just got it . . .So long, Mel .
  MEL : Goodbye, Mr . Benny .

                            (SOUND : HORSES HOOVES FADE OFF, DOOR CL9SES)




                                                            Rrxo1      0184582
                                                                                               -7-
MARY : You know,
(y                                    Jack,      I like Mel . . .he ' e    always    good for        a   laugh,

DON : Yeah,, .he wa qi the life of the party at my house New Year T s

                Eve
                       .                       -7-
BOBN.,/~pon, we certainly had eqgaad time .

JACK : You can say thaata .nBob .
                         .iL

DON : And Mar y7~Il m eere glftdyou                             were      vell enough to        attend      my

                party, too .

MPRY-3L,So am I, Don,,,I had e vonderful time, .,But I haven't had
                a chance to tell you what happened after Jack and I left

                your house .

      .~dAary, , ,
JACK :~
                            ~ ~~..,.
DON : What happened, Mary,,,utell me

        : Wel                           .MARY
                               r .ar
JACK : Mery ; it ' s all over,.+forget about                               it .


MARY : I will                  not .


JACK : Oh~~12, .-~

hWRY :             on . . .       w   as       about two   in the morning, a:d Jack was taking

                me hams .
(TRANSITION MUSIC)

                                (90IIfID : BOOTSTEPS . . .MAN 1 3          AND    WOMAN 1 3)

        .
MARY ;:~/ Gosh, it was a wonderful party5 ,

JAC1C : Yeah, ,ary,~. .asnitloveygh~ut?`MARY

         : 33 .gure is .

JACK : What a beautiful sky . . .you know, the stars look so close . . .

                 and they seem to be different colors . . .red . . .pink ., .blue
                 . . .yall~ow,
MARY : 3aok, yhetls confetti on your glasses .
          -




                                                                                   RT 90 1 0164568
,Y   " JACK :    Oh             yes . . .Anyway, .Mary, it was   certainly    a wonderful New Year's

                 Eve party . .,We sure had a lot of---

        HFA3B : (DRUNK) Pardon me, folks, pardon me . . .
        JACK : Huh?

        FffiRB : What do you think I oughte get my wife for Christmas?
        MARY : Christmas? Mister, Christmas was a whole week ago . . .this is

                 NewYar's,HER

             : You mean ii's                already 1949?


        JACKi~-VTt s 1954 .

        HERB : Oh my goodness,I better get home . (HICCUP)
        JACK : Oh well~ everybody                  celebrates    in   his   own way/„, here's

          . your use,•                    Mary .            /

        MARY :   YEAH . . .


        JACK : ,,,Mery,

                         .,MARY
             : What is it, Jack?

        JACK : Well, since this is the New Year, how about giving me a little
                 kiss?

        MARY :   Oh,             Jack, let's not go through that again . . .You always get so

                 emotional .


        JACK : I do               not .


        MARY : You do, too ., .The last time I kissed you, you ran home, threw

                 yourself across the bed, and cried for an hour .

        JACK : Well, I always do tMt when I drink too                         much .         _
        MARY : You had one glass of eggnog .

        JACK : Well, somebody spiked the nutmog ., .Anywey,2j'•~^^~I .
                                          ~                /
                                                                  L
        MARY : Well, goodnight, Jack, and Happy New Year

             : Goodnight, Mary, and •                  -------   Hey, wait a .JACK minute, Mary . How

                 would you like to go to the Rose Bowl Game?




                                                                                  arx   01   01   e 5e
                                                                                                  4      4
                                                                                                            -s-
MARY : S~e~~y, that would be warxlerfu, but have you got tickets?

JACK : y~0 Tliere's plenty of time,/ - the g doesn't start till tomorrow

                     afternoon .

MARY : Tomorrow? It's already two otclock in the morning .

JACK :`Y!uiDon't worry about it, I'll gst the tickets . Come on, let's

                     go in your house . . .I wanta use your phone .

MARY : That's an old excuse, but                            I'll     take a          chance .


JACK : Oh, don't be silly .

                                     (SOUND : COUPIE OF FOC7tSTEPS .,,D00R OPENS & CLOSES)

JACK : let's see . . .who can I . . .well, I'11 be darned, there's the

                     blenk.et,,,you weren't kidding about my doctor, were you? . . .

                     Nov let's see,,,who can I get tickets from . . .

MARY : Jack, you shouldn't call anyone .at ' s two o'clock in the
                                       i
                     morning .
                                    ~+^ r
JACK : Yeah, but it'e New Year's,..:who can I call                                          for tickets .


MARY : Well, letts see . . .do you know Red Sanders, the coach of

                     U .C .L .A .?                                               ~                                              .
JACK : Not very well . .,but wait a minute, I'm pretty friendly with

                     Jess Hill/-the~ c a h of U .S .C,,,,I111 call him!
MARY : The U .S .C . coach -~~he may have -- Wait a minute, Jack, you

                     can't call Jess Hill at this hour . . .he may be asleep .

JACK : What do you aean asleep? . . .He hasn't                                   slept since            the Notre
                     Dame game .      . . .   But maybe he i sL1 !t in a good mood,, .Wait a minute,

                                                            -I lmow who'l1 let me heve isks~eyxtra tickets if he has any!
MARY :Who?JACK

                 : Ronald Colman .
MARY : Jack, you wouldn't call Mr . CoLaan at this hour .




                                                                                            arx      01       0   1945      e       5
JACK : Why not, this is New Year's Eve . . .Hand me the phone . (HUN6
          LOVE IN BIACM)

                                             . . .DIALING . . .RINGING CF PHONE . . .
                      RECEIVER IIp~IVER UP

ERIC : The Ronald Colman residence . . .Sherwood the butler speaking .

JACK : Sherwood, this is Mr . Benny, may I speak to Mr . Co]man?

ERIC :   Mr . Colman is asleep, sir .

JACK : Asleep already? Didn't he celebrate Nev Year,ys Eve?
ERIC : Oh yes, we had a rip roaring time here till almost nine

          o'clock .
JACK : Nine o'clock? How could you celebrate the new year that early?

ERIC : We're on London tiLre, you know .
JACK : Oh yes, yes . . .Well, Sherwood, the reason I called is to find

          out if M1'm . Colmen has any extra tiokets to the Rose Bowl?

ERIC : Oh I'm sure he hasn't any .
JACK : Gh . . .well, in that case, Sherwood, I'm sorry I woke you up,

          but I do want to take this opportunity to wish you a happy new

          year and that 1954 will be a year that you and yours will
          enjoy not only health and happiness, but---
ERIC : _~'I say, old chap, would you mind seying goodbye . . .there's a

          draft going up my night-shirt .
JACK : Oh, oh . . .I'm sorry . . .Goodbye, Sherwood .

ERIC : Goodbye .

                      (SOUND :   RECEIVER DCWN)
MARY :'>;--. .Have any luck, Jack?

JACK : No, the Colman's didn't have any extra tickets . . .but they have

          cross ventilation .
MARY : What?




                                                               Hru   01   01   e 5
                                                                                 4      86
r
    JACK : Nothing, not~ ;
    MARY : Jack, itta saq after two-thirty,~I .,I'm going to bed .

    JACK :   Wait    a minute, Mary,    I just   thought of   something . . . For   the
             Rose Bowl game, they always put about six thousand tickets on
             public sale . A1l we have to do         is   go down and buy them at the
             box office .

    MARY : But      Jack,   there ' ll be a million people there .
    JACK : A11 right, so look how early we'll be . .,Now I'll call Rochester

             and have him pick us up in my car and take us out to Pasadena .
    (TRANSITION MUSIC)




                                                                   Hrxo 1      01    e 458?
   ~ ~ .(TxIRD .ROi7rINE)                                                                    -12-

  ~f- (SOUND3 LOS/SY MOTOR STRAINING UP HIIS ., . .SDSTAIN)
i MARY : Do you think .~-genr~~-car will make this hill, Jack?

, JACK : Sure . Rochester, give it a little more gas .

        ROCH : OKAY .

                   (SOUND : MOTOR LOiIDBR . . .MEL JOINS IN AS MOTOR STRAINS
                   HAADER . . .THEN IEVEIS QFF AND GO&4 SMOOTHLY . . . SUSTAIN
       . LIGHPLY IN BACHGROIINf))

        JACK : We made it,         Mary,   you   can hop in now .
                                                                                       a
                              (SOUND :     CAR DOOR        SLAMS)


        JACK : Try to
       ~/.~                 make   soms time     am   ,    Rochester .


                        (SOUfIII : . MOTOR UP A LITTIE MORE, AND FASTER . . .THEN
                  " FADE TO B .G .)                            -
        MARY :   Say   Rochester, where were you when Mr . Benny called yoi ?iso ne?
        ROCH : I WAS AT A PARTY ON          CENTRAL         AVENUE . .
 , MARY : Was the party over?

       ROCH : OH     NO,    IN FACT, TT WAS GETTING BIGGER               AND    BIGGER .
        JACK : Who gave it?

       ROCH : I DON'T KN(HI . . .THg PSOPIE ]016 STARPED IT                     DIED   SIX YEf.RS AGO .
        JACK : Rochester, you mean the party's been going on for six years?

        ROCH : Ip NGER THAN THAT . S OME OF THE P80PLE                   THERE    ARE STILL DRINKING
                 NEAR BEER .
        JACK : Well, Rochester,"for, heavens sakes, don't they know that

                 Prohibition wes repealed?

    ~ ' OID MAN THEAE WHO DOFSN'T EVEN KNOW TT WAS 3TARTED,
       IJACK : Oh . Root~_ste~t~y do you                  exaggerate     like    that?     It eounds so
                 silly .
    ~ ROCH : I KNOYl, BOSS, BUT DRIVINGrTO'IAS&EN&,AT F` 0'CLOCK IN THE

                 MORNING, WHO'S GONfL~HEAR OS?

 ~I JACK : I guess u're right . . ;Now Rochester, I know a short out to~T

                 Pasadena, turn to the left on the next corner .
   ~
       IV




                                                                                   Arx     01   0   1845   ee
                                                                                               -13-

     MARY :                 Wait a minute, Jack, if you turn left, you'll be going in the
                            wrong direction, .,you should turn right .
     JACK : No, I think left ., .What do you think, Rochester?

    ROCH : S'1RAIG}PP AHBAD,

     JACK : iise,,,Look, there's a policemen on the corner . .,Stop tte car

                            end I'll ask him

                                                :.(SOT7fID SQUCALING OF BRAKES AS CAR 9POPS)
     JACK : Pardon me, do we turn left here to get to the Rose Bowl?

    RUBIN : I don't know,
     JACK : Well, . .will this street take us to                        Pasadena?


    RUBIN : I don't know .

     JACK : Well, does it lead                      Into   the Freeway?
    RUBIN :IDON'TKGrf,JAC

                    :       .9.e,~ou don't know anything .,e fine policemen .you are .
    ROBIN : I'm itot a policemen
                                           .JACK
                    : Then why are you wearing that blue uniform?
    RTiBIlP : I'm a Western Union Boy, but I look lousy in brown .
    JACK : Oh for heaven's sake . . .drive on, Rocheeter .

~ROOH'!~"YES SIR .

                                      (SOiIIm : MOTOR UP,, .FADR TO B .G .)
    MARY : Jack, we must be getting near the Bow1 . . . . Look at_all the

                            perking lots,` .,
    JACK : Yeah . .,What does that sign over theYe say?                                        \

    MARY : "Park here for the Rose f two dollars ."                                       `~
    JACK : What? Two dolla , .,Why'vf all the profiteering rackets . . .two

                            dollars,, .Thk's outrageous .\=that's the most---

    ROCH : BOSS, BOSS, THAT'S OUR CWN                         HOUSE .




                                                                                 8   TSS 01        01   8   45 8 9
  JACK :   B

                   ,, .    ,    ,,,straight                 down       this

           street, then turn left till we hit the Freeway,,,Now-letry

                                                      fokata .
  (TRANSITION MUSIC)

                       (SOUND : HOBBUB OF VOICES . . .FADE TO B,G .)
  JACK : Gee, whet a crowd
                               .4
  MARY :   Yeah . . .Here it is almost noon~,and e we .keaa etaie3ing in this

           ticket line for five houra, . :Oh look, hem comes the Rose Bowl
  p    Bend .marching into the stadlum .

  (COIMEACIAL) .

  (APPLAUSE)




C Dd




                                                            Rrx   01   0184590
                                                           -A   _

S?ORRSMNg Be happy, go Lueky,

               Be   happv , get    better     t .ete,

               Be luppy .    go   ly+ok7
               Oq1LuoRy     Strike today .



               S e h .Opy . go    Lucky,


              And smoke nore Sn '54,
               B. L.ppy , go 4tok7.

               Go Lucky     Strib. ted .7 .



                       (MUSIC)




               ge h .ppy , go Luek7 .

               S e happy, got      better     tuto,
               B. h .ppy , go     Lucky,


               Go Lucky     Strik e tod ay.

               8s lupp7 , go Luo4r

               And wuke wolro in           154,


               Se 1u•ppy . go     1400,

               Go Lucky     Str1la   today.




                                                  \




                                                        R7XU1 0184591
     (THIRD   ROUTINE)                                                    -15-

_JACK : You know, Mary, there's something exciting about 1!l siKLg a

                band at a     football   game

         : Yeah .                               .tMRY
    JACK : Gee, I wish this ticket line would move,,,I wante make sure

                to Sa.t---HEY, YOU BACK THNRPs, STOP SHOVIfA},,,I wonder how long

                it'll be before we 9F;2ilEfte---I SAID STOP SHOVING,,,I can't

                understand it, Mary ., .people go to football games and it

                brings out the worst in t~---IAOK, I WARNED YOU

               TWICE,,,aMID IF YOU SHOVE ME ONCE MORE, I'LL DRAG YOU OUT OF

                I,IPIE $W---

    JENNY : I can't help it, Mister, people are pushing se .

 ~-- JACK :   I   don't        care       if-~'uy       --

    MARYJJack, control yourself
                                     .JACK
         : lieg3, .A11 right . . .Lucky for her she's wearing glasses,,,,, ., .

                Sayy•,m getting kind of hungry .
    MARY : Me, too . ., I think there's a man selling hot dogs over there .

    JACK : Where? Oh yes . . .HEY MISTII2 ., .YOU WITH '171E HOT DOGS,

    ARTIE : How many is your desire?

    JACK : WHY, IT'S MR . KITZEJ .,

    (APPLAUSE)

    JACK :%* appy New         Year,   Mr, Kitzel .
    ARTIE~:,~ Likewise,,,and seesons greeting to you, too, Miss Livingstone .

    MARYSame to you, Mr . Kitzel . .,And you know, this is a coincidence

                .,,the first time we met you was at the Rose Bowl, ~ You were

                selling hot dogs then, too . . . . aai that was eight years ago .

    ARTIE : These ere the same hot dogs, I had some left over .

` JACK : Well, if these hot dog are eight years old, I don't think I

               went   any .




                                                               RrK   01    0184592
                                                                                     -16-

ARTI&, - -I+u~ . Benny, to you I'll give the fresh ones~-" They'11 be/six ;,
          cents apiece

                   .JACK
     : Wait a minute . .hot dogs for only six cents apiece? Where do

          you get your meet?
ARTIE : From a doctor in Beverly Hills .

MARY : (ASIDE) Jack, that must be your horse doctor .
ARTIE : Do you want the            pickle     in the middle and the mustard on top,
                                                                 Q
          or the    mustard       in   the   middle and Arcero on top?


JACK :    Mr .   Kitzel, stop making               j    ~-~
                                                       okes . /,•And here's your money .
ARTIS : Dank you,         Mr .   Benny,      and       a~liappy new year .
JACK : Same to you . :            d~

          ) „
(APPL4USE ~'
JACK :   -Gee-~Mar/y`~,

MARY : 7R ~ putF. ..iDarn it, this line doesn't seem to move up at all .
                . iDarn~putF

JACK : Boy, I sure hope we can get tickets . . .I'm so anxious to see

          the game .

II1DIE : Pssst, hey chum•,•chum• . .
JACK :               Huh?                                                    -
PaDIE : You say you wanna get tickets, you say you wanna see the game,

          tell you what I'm gonns do .
JACK : What?                                                          ; ~-
EDDIE : I gotta pair of tickets smack on the AMg qard line, and you

          can have them for only fifty bucks .
JACK : / SCOUGHS APm CHOKES FOR SEVERAL SECOPIIB)
MA l :~ Hit him on         I~A    bac Mi ster• he's cho on that ~.
JACK : You're darn right I'm choking . . .Look, Mister, you've got a

          nerve . . . charging      fifty     dollars        for a pair of football tickets .




                                                                             arx   01   01   e   4593
                                  eQ~tie.-.+~
    EIDDIE : Th~a~,n't nothir~n, ~ry~~


    JACK : That's beside'FQt'`he~ point . . .YCU-c~a-Ao~w~d~ „HEY,                YOU   BACK
                T}II(C;, . .I WAR NE D YCU'PHIiEE TIMES   TO STOP    SHOVIlVG . . .IF   YOU



                DON'T,       I'L-°ME

        : (VERY TCUGH) YGU'LL WHAT?
    JACK : Gee, somebody must have teken her               place .


    MEL :      I   TOOK   HER PLACE, I'M } E R HUSBAND .

    JACK : Well, oongratulations, she's e lovely g1r1 . . .Now where's thatr

             `wse guy that vas trying to sell ma those---
    MARY : He's go .

F   JACK : Gh yes, .,You know, Mary, I ,, .Dennis wanted to see
                this game today, bu s got a bad co , -toe2, end he had to,

                stay    in             b


    MARY : Gee, more people have been--r-Jeck J . ~iP. ou're n xt
                                         _~        e move `
                at th        ticket        window
         :      Oh,   yes                      ;JACK
                                              yes,         ,

    RYAN : All right, Mister, how many tickets do you want?

    JACK : How much are they?

    RYAN : Five dollars and fifty cents .
    JACK :     , . .Well .

    MARY : Here's my money,                   Jack .         _
    JACK:"0'-TVo'no, Mary, I'll pay for these,
    MARY : I'll buy my own, I've still got money left from the May

                Compeny .

    JACK : Okay .
    MARY :      One    ticket, Mister,




                                                                        RTX01 0184594
                                                                                       -18-
  >l

          RYAN :   Here you ere .
          JACK :   Give me one ticket right next to           hers .


          RYAN : Here you are .,,and boy          are   you two lucky . .,Those were the
                   lest   tickets .


                              (SOUND : WINDG.J DOdN . . .CR&7D         NOISES   UP)
          MEL : (DISGUSTED) How do you like that, the lest                  ticket .


          JACK : Come on, Mary, let's get out of here,,,Boy are,awe lucky,, .I

                   had my hsart set all year on, seeing this game andII'm going to

                   see it, .,COme on, Mary,jwe're over at Tunnel sixteen .

          MARY : Okay .
          JACK : 583e *~nde chilly, I wants get a cup of coffee first . .,You

                   want one, Mary?

          MARY : No, I don't want to get mixed up in that crowd . I'll go ahead
                   snd hold our seats
                                      .JACK
               : Okay . . .SEE YOU IN A FEW MINOiBS, MNRY,, .DON'T IET TH&a: START

                   THE GAME WITHOUP ME,

                          ~ (SOUND : FE61 FOGPSTEPS ON GRAVEL)
          JACK : Moa 3et's see, where can I get the coffee . .,Oh, there's the

                   stand over there . . .(HUM115 IQVE IN BIAOM) . . .Oh boy, I was up all
                   night, 7 stood in line for five hours, but it was worth it to

                   get this ticket . . .(HUMS IAVEIN BIAOM)
          HY :(S2RAIGHI') Hey Mister . . .Mister,
          JACK : Huh?

          HY : How msny tickets you got to the geme?
          JACK : One,

          HY : What did you           pay   for it?
          JACK :   Five-fifty .
L-,
          HY : I'11 give you six dollars for it .                                             .
      d   DW




                                                                                AT}i01 0164595
                                                                                                         -19-

.JACK : What? Are you crazy? I've been looking                                               forward   to this game

              all year,, .I've been up all night calling people, begging

              people for tickets . I drove all the way down here from

              Beverly Hills in that traffic,,,I waited in line all night to

              get this ticket .

HY : I'll give you eight dollars .                                                 --
JACK : It's guys like you that always ypynbe, .~ yHrnr much?

HY : Eight?bucks

       :                          .JACK
              . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .. ..   Mister, do ms a favor,

              will     you?,

HY : What?

JACK : ThereIll be a girl sitting next to you, tell her you picked
              my pocket,-+~a,t% ~ns+~7

HY :       Okay . . .here's your money .

JACK : Thanks . . .so long, Mister,

                               (SOUND : FOOPSTEPS)

JACK : (HUMS LOVE IN BLOOM) Gee, I hate to miss that game, . .but then

              again,      with            this money I can-- -W ait a                minute . . . what    kind of a

              five-dollar bill did he give me? Look at the pioture on                                           it . . .


              Liberace : . .On the other side is ~1!v~s~ ~brother, George . . . flff, HEY
                                                     ;


              MISTER . ., OMZE!~, .,COME BACK . .,COME BACK S E fiE . . .COME BACK


(APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF)




                                                                                               RT 9 01 01 9 4 5 96
A, " ~HE J~K3BE1NN915'4PRGGRAM                 -C-


     CLGSING C06NIERCIAL

    WILSON :      Jack will be    back   in    j   ust a minute, but £irst a vord from

                  the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike .


     CGLLINS : Hi, friends . This is Dorothy Collins . y'know, I'll bet
     (E .T .)
                 that if someone asked you why you smoked . . . what it vas,

                  exactly, you liked about a oigarette . . . I'll bet the
                  important word in your answer would be "taste" .

                  Because, gee,    isntt      good "taste" what everybody     wants       in a

                  cigarette? Smoking          enjoyment    is all a matter of taste .
         - And the fact of the matter is uckies taste better!

                  And there are two good reasons why that's true .

                  In the firsB place, 13/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine
                  tobacco . . . naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco .
                  And second, Luckies are made better to taste better .

                  Made round and firm and fully-packed to draw freely and to
                  smoke evenly . And that, friends, is the whole story .

                  That's exactly why Luckies taste better . Because Luckies
                  are made with fine tobacco . . . and because they're made

                  better . Why don't you try a carton soon . Be Happy --

                  Go Lucky . How 'bout it?

     COLLINS :    Luckies taste better!

    CHORUS :      Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother!

     CGLLINS : Luckies taste better!

     CHORUS :     Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother!
                  For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco

                  Richer-tasting fine tobacco

     CGLLINS : Luckies taste better!

'~ CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, 3moother

                  Lucky Strike! Lucky Striket




                                                                   HrH   01   0   1   8   4597
                                                                -20-


             Well, anyway, Don, now you know 16F I'11 never go to
             another football game with Jack .

DON :        pr?d, I don't blame you, Mary .

JACK :       That smart guy . . .   buying   my ticket with that phoney five

             dollar bill . . . 7i µke to see him again , w9 .I'd tell him

             plenty .
                             077
MARY : Well, drop inlR Ciroa tonight and you can .
JACK : aHow do you know he's going to be there?

MARY : I've got a date with him .

JACK : How do you like that . . . Goodnight, folks .

(APPLAUSE)

DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin,
             Milt Josefsberg, George Balaer, John Taokaberry,

             Hal   Goldman, Al   Gordon, and produced and transcribed by
             Hilliard Marks .         "

             The Jack Benny program was brought to you by Lucky Strike,

             product of the American Tobacco Company . . . America's

             leading manufacturer of cigarettes .




                                                           ATXO1       0104598
                                                         PROGRAM   #18
                                                         REVISED SCRIPT




                        AN ERICAN   TOBACCO COMPANY


                               LIICKY BPRIKE

                         TRB   JACK   BRrlRY   PROGRAM




SUNDAY, JANUARY   10, 1954             CBS                  4•CO - 4•30 PM PsT
                      (TRnrrsCRIBRD, JARCAR7r 7, 1954)




                                                           fiTH 01       0   1   8   4599
THE JACK BIIYNY PR qqccRAM                                                               -A-
JANUARY 10, 1954 ~TRnNSCRIDID JANCARY 7,                                             1954)
AMERICAN TOBACCO C0
                       .OPIQNGCMbE2AL


WILSON :                                   The Jack Benny      program . . . transcribed        and presented       by


                                           Lucky Striket
COLLINS :iuckestabrCHORUS

                     :CleanrfshmoterCOL
           .INS :                          Luokies            taste        better              d

CHORUS :                                   Cleaner fresher      smoother


                                           For Luckg Strike means fine tobacco

                                           Richer tasting fine         tobacco


COLT.INS : Luckies taste                                      better


CHORUS :                                   Cleaner fresher smoother

                                           Lucky Strike hucky Strike

WILSON :                                  Friends,     this is Don Wilson to tell you that Iuokies . . .

                                           F = ••• g8a2.P l     That ' s right,     T, .n41na    yyA   agai   p in a
                                           national smoking survey among college students . In 1952
                                           a survey    was   made in leading colleges throughout the
                                           country which showed that smokers in those colleges
                                           preferred luckiee to any other            cigarette .          In 1953 another
                                           nation-vide survey was made-- a representative survey of
                                            .q
                                            ll    students in regular colleges from coast to coast .
                                           Based on thousands of actual student interviews --                       this


                                           survey shows that Luckies lead again--                  lead   over all other
                                           brands, regular or      king-size--       g   a l   g g,vide    mar gip. The
                                           number one reason--      T .u nvinn   : better taste .         Yes, IAUckies
                                           d2    taste better . First,     because       they t re made of light,
                                           naturally mild, good-tasting tobaooo .
                                                                                                           (MORE)




                                                                                                       fiTi{01      0   18460 0
THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM                                        -B-            .
JHNUARY 10, 1954 (TRANSCNIB~9 JANUARY 7, 1954)
OPINING COLRa'S2CL1L (CONTID
                          .)WISON
      : I3/MPT--LUcky Strike meapS fine tobacco . And then,
(CONTID .)
           Lookies are MadQ better-- made round and firm and fully

          packed to draw freely . . . smoke evenly . Aotually     Mgdl


          to taste better .. After all, smoking en j oyment is a11 a
          matter of taste . And the faot of the matter Se       1&ck   yg8
          taste better .   Cleaner,   fresher,   smoother . So be happy --

          go Iucky . Get better taste -- with a carton of yucki@g!

SPORTSMEN Be happy -- go Incky
  ARPA' :
 Long Get better taste today
Close)




                                                         ATH01 0184601
r    (FIRST                                 ROUTINE)                            -1-

    (AFTER COMMERCIAL, N&JSIC UP AND DIk7N)

    DON : THE IACKY S1'RIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY

                         LPIINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DffidNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS

                         TRULY" DON WILSON .

    (APPLAUSE . . . MUSIC           UP AND DOWN)
    DON :              AND    NOW, LADIES    AND GENTLEMgN, IN PRESENTING THE             STAR   OF

                         OUR SH(hl, IT GIVbS ME GREAT         PLEASURE   TO BRING   YOU    A MAN WHO---
                            .n.
                        G ny ..(c
    JAC : A Just a minute, Don . . .hold it a minute .
    DON :What?JACK

                     : Don, today, instead of yyy introducing ma, Jim going to

                         introduce yqil .
    DON : Me?

    JACK : Yes, Don . . .Ladies and gentlemen,                     today   not only   marks      the

                         anniversary    of Don Wileon's thirtieth year in radio . . .but

                         it also commemorates his twentieth year with me . So, Don,

                         take a bou .

     (APPLAUSE . . .AND BAND PLAYS "FOR HL'S A JOLLY GOOD FELIAW")
    DON : Oh, Jack, this Ss so touching .

    JACK : (SLCWLY) Don . . .this day is yours . Today we will all pay

                         homage to you . When I say "we," I mean the entire cast .

                         Your slightest wish will be our coaumnd . Whatever you . . .

                                          .
                         Don . . .Don . ./1~ ou'reucrying .

    DON :             ,~ (SNIFFLING)n I c%~'      i   help it, Jack .

     JACK : ;~~LV The way those tears are running between your chins, it looks
              i
                like you 44 me irrigating something . . . Now Don, please stop

                         sniffling . ~T~~''~~'`

    DON :~%{~I'm all right no .(! ~ I,just couldn't help getting emotional

i ~ when I realized that you've been with me for twenty years .




                                                                               ATX01 0184602
                                                                         --
                                                                         2




               No no, Don,      you've   been with pl@~ mg.
   DON :       To think that I came on this show when it was dW1 ; . . .and

               because of---
   JACK : Downl
   DON : And because of my personality and showmanship, I raised it

               to the pinnacle of success .

   JACK :     DaA-~~        A             • -   -


   DON : It wasn't easy and there were many setbacks . But every time
               the show was Qo_qn, I brought it up again

                                                        .JACK
           : Now wait a minute, Don . . .my show was never down . . .So don't
               make~ ge           . ._,i ~ ~aC`a`~~g'~°
                                up .


'DON : Well,,~ let's not argue,'K'd66lk .,~ .And I do want to thank you

               for making this not only a memorable, but a nrofitable -
               occasion .

   BOB : Profitable? What did Jaok do for you, Don? Aa6 TeCI~ ~ov
   JACK : Go ahead, Donsy, tell h4m,

       : Well, Bob . . .not enly did I get five .DON hundred dollars cash, but -

               I also got a brand new DeBota convertible for my wife, a
               trip to New York for the two of us on the Super Chief and

               a whole week at the Waldrof Aatoria . . .And Jack, I want to

               thank you from the bottomo''' ~~~/of my heart .
   BOB : ~ Gosh . . .Jack                gave       you       all    Lbat?     _
   DON : No, but it was his letter that got me on Strike It Rich .

   JACK : You're darned right .                                  ,~
   BOB : Well, Jack . . .I guess it won't seem like much nw . . .but,~ws~in/ce

               today is Don's twentieth Annivers~ry with you . . .the boys in

. , the band got something for him~ .4Bere it is, Don .




                                                                    RT 9 07 0184603
                                                                         -3-

DON : ~ . Gee, thanks, Bob .

JACK : ~ What }s it, Don, what is it?
DON t~yaelrro. .~
    : n' Wai n t li I ra t . /,4/    ~                              pr, cr/c . .

                       90TJPID : PACKAGE UNWRAPPING)
DON :        Ohhh . Jack, look at this . .- .a diamond-studded cigarette

             lighter
    :                 .BO
             I ' m gla~you like it, ,Don .    My   musicians   went through a lot
        Ar

             of trouble to get it~
JACK : Well, Bob, that ' s a beautiful lighter your boys got for                   Don . . .


             But you t d think it   would   be wrapped a little better . Who
             did it?
BOB : The owner of the store .

JACK : The owner of the storet I could have wrapped it betterthan
             that .
BOB : Not with your hands up over your head .                                          .
JACK : Heb. . .Bob, you me the boys held up a               jewelry store?
                               yo~c a~e,
BOB : flWIt was an accide ~ W14en the~y v~ jnto the store, Remley

             had his guitar under his aoaBA . .the •~man thought it was a

             machine gunfacthrew up his hands and said, "Take anything

        ~ you vant ."

JACK :     W ., :,-Fhat's still dishonest . Frankie should have opened

         ,,~ his coat and showed the Jeveler that it vasn't a gun .
BOB : ~1, Frankie did better than that . He took out the guitar,

             started to play and the,$ guy said : "Look, you got what you

             want, stop torturing me!"
                                                        a   -1   a."
JACK : Well, that I can unde i Anyway,
                                            WW
                          ~46Af ' ..,~~



                                                                 ATXO1       01    8   4604
                                                               -4-

          Hello, Jack . . .I'm sorry I'm late, but I was baking th}5 cake .

          It's for Don Wilson's anniversary .
JACK :   0
DON : That very sweet of you, Mary . I appreciat it .

JACK : Say, th e's some writing on the cake, to Read it, Mary .
MARY : Ckay . . .Ahe . . .To Don Wilson .

                   This e ie topped with ohoo te oreem

                   The mid e is filled with 1y .
                   But, if yo eat it all a once,

                   You'll get a in in stomach
                                             .JACK
     : Mary, that's corny . .y ay "Stomach" doesn't rhyme
         with "jelly ."
MARY : Go argue with the cen
JACK :   Oh,    yes, yes .
MARY : And, Don, I do w t to oongratu4te you on this ocassion .

         You must be ve proud .
DON : Oh, I am,              . It gives me great tisfaction to think

         that twent years ago I took thls pro em when it wa® aM
         and by ~my--_
JACK : IT WA$N'T DGWNI . . . . t.[y program was always opular, and I can

         pro~ it . . .t4ary, what was my Booper rating~hen I first went

               radio?
MARY : '6, V, EYE .
JACK :/X, V, I?

MARY : They were using Roman Numerals then .




                                                       RTY{01 0184605
                                                                                            -5-
-   JACK :               (Id416iffN6)                                 ala . . .This show

                               isn' .t five minutes old and already I'm aggravated .

     DENNIS : That makes tµo us .

     JACK : Oh hello, Dennis .~.whet's the matter with you?

     DENNIS : I got up on the wrong                      side of   the bed this morning .
     JACK : So what?

     DENNIS : I fell out the window .
     JACK

            : What? DEN IS : It's three stories . . .Boy, am I lucky I wea 't hurt .              .~
     JACK :        -~ (SAHCASTIC) Ob, you landed on your headq . .Was that it,~+-
                ~Y Dennis? /

     DENNIS :                  No, on the mailman's heed .

     JACK : Oh fine .

     DENNIS :                  I guess   he'll   have to fin9 himself a   new   job .
     JACK : A new job, why?

     DEMIYIS!U4Ow he's too short to reach the mail boxes .
     JACK :   : I don't know, Dennis . . .everybody else just goes along . . .

                    ~~~why do these stupid things keep happening to you?

     DENNISa-+~7 I guess it's because I got such a bad start in life .

                           You know, I was en incubator         baby .


     JACK : An incubetor baby? How much did you weigh?

     DENNIS : Eleven pounds .

     JACK : R*eseecVeends? Dennis . . .if you were that big, why did

                           they keep you in an SncubatorR
     DENNIS : They were afraid to let my mother get her hands on me .

     JACK : Well, what did your father have to say?

~    DENNIS :              Nothing, he was hiding in there with me .




                                                                                ATXO1   0184606
                                                                     -6-




JACK : ~nnis, this is
JACK :                       all    very interesting . . .but vhy don't you

             just sing nov, end save the rest of your biography for

             "This Is Your Life"?

DENNLS : I'd rather yp~~t me pn~'Strikg_It Rich ."

JACK : All ri~t, -pu~` st sin-g(./,~w /
ffiirIIS : Yes sir .

(APPLAUSE)                                   '~
(DENNIS'S SONG -- "THAT'S AllURE")

(APPL9USE)          .




                                                         ATXO1     01   8   4607
(SBCOND ROUTINS) -7-


JACK : That was Dennis Dey singing "That's Amoray" with th e
             Sportsmen Quartet . . .And fellows, if you don't mind, I'm

             dedicating that song to Don . . . . You see, this Is a special

             occasion today . It's Don Wilson's twentieth anniversary

             with me . And in honor of this, for our feature attraction

             tonight, we're going to do a special sketch based on the life

             Le~ -

            (SOUND : PHONE               RINGS)
         2     ^"'- i
JACK : ~11 get it .
       ~

                     (SOUND : CoUPIE FOOTSTEPS . . .RPsCSIVER UP )

JACK : Hello .
ROCH : HEIdA,         M . BENNY,   THIS IS ROCH6S7'kR .

(APPiAU3E )

JACK : Rochester, I ' m in the middle of my show . . .what do you want?
ROCH :       WELL,   BOSS, DO YOU Rffi.IIDM THAT    SWEET   ISTTLS OLD    LADY   WHO

             CAME BY FIERE IAST    WEEK?


JACK : Little old lady?
                                     _ZW-
AOCH : YOU KNOW . . .THE ONE 10i0 SOLD YOU THAT FIFTY CENT RAFFLE TICKBT

             ON A COCIffii   SPANIEL .


JACK : Oh yes, now I remember .

ROCH : WELL, SHg- S HSCK AGAIN .

JACK : Rnmm . . .What does she want this time ?

ROCH : A HUNDRED THOUSASID DOISARS, SHE FSLL DOWN YOUR STEPS .

JACK : Fell dowa-My*---Rochests, shs's suing me for a hundred

             thovsand dollars ?

ROCH : CHEER UP, BOSS, I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU,                 TOO .


JACK : What good news ?


RU



                                                               AT}S01 0164608
                                                                                             -a-
    ROCH :     YOU    WON    THE DOG .                .

    JACK :     Rochester, who             cares   about the dog? I'm being sued for a

               hundred thousand dollara .                  Tell me, vas the vm :an badly           hurt?


    ROCH :     SHE CIAIMS SHE SPRAINER                      AJ{~'RLE         _




    JACK :     Sprained her             ankhe?                   , thst's no grounds for a suit

               like that .

    ROCH :     THATIS WHAT I TOLD THE FOUR MEN WITH H6R .

    JACK :     Four men? Are they lawyers?

    ROCH :     I THINK 50, TH£sIR NMSBS ARE HAHEAS, CORPUS, DELBCTI, AND

               GEISLER .

    JACK :     Geisler! She just sprained her ankle, I didn't blacken her
                                                                         ~_~
               eye . . . jAnd listen, Rochester, you tell them this

               outragecu . nobody can collect a hundred                           usand dollars

               for    a sprained          arl le.`

    ROCH :     I DID, BUP THEY SAID THE~                     0      TAROUGH THE COURT RECORDS

               AND FOUND A PRECEDII~T                     IT .
    JACK :     WHat precedent?                                         ~
    '~ OCH :   THE CASE OF K                BENNY    VERSUS THE SRREEfCAR        COMPANY .
                                                                                                           I
    i7ACK :    That was ferent . . .I didn't                     fall, the   motorman threw me
    1
     '         off . ., .Now look, Rochester, don' admit anything and get i n

               touch with my insurance man, I'm covered for things like t his .
    ROCH :     OKAY .
    JACK :     I'll     see you later . . .goodbye .
    ROCH :     GOODBYE      . . . .   OH, SAY, BOSS .
    JACK :     Nav what?
    ROCH :     WE JUST GOT A COPY OF              PARADE MAGAZINE        AND YOUR PICTU@E IS ON
               THE COVER .

1
    RU




                                                                                 RTH01       0184609
                                                                                                        -9-

r, JACK : Parade Magasine? Oh yes, and my picture is in color, isn't
                          it?

  ROCH : UH                     HUE .


  JACK : How do my eyes look?

  ROCH : GREEN .
  JACK : Green?

  ROCH : THERE'S A SPINACH AD ON THE OTHER SII$ OF THE PAGE

                    : A spinach ad?                                                           .JACK

  ROCH : WHEN YOU HOLR IT UP TO THE LIGHT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE PEFIQNG

                          THROUGH       A IIERCE .

  JACK : All right, all right . I'll see it when I get home . Goodbye .

  HOCH : G0000000000000DBYE .

 .                  (SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN)
  (APPIAUSE) JACK

                    : Now where was I? . . .Oh yes, as I started to say . . .tonight for

                          our feature attraction, we're going to do the story of Don
                          Wilson's life .
  DON : (MODEST) Oh, please, Jack . thia is rassing .

  BOB :7~•^d)on'V~~ so modest, Don .                             .

                                                            u
                                                     . . .yo~ deserve it .
                     '7   1
  DEfINIS                     11 say . After all, you took the shov when it                 was       down and- ~
  JACK :=It wasn't don! . . .And anyway ,                            Dennis . . . that   was twenty years ~ ,

                          ago and you were only eiglht at the time . . .so how would you
                          ]mow?
  DENNIS : I bad a radio in my incubator .

  JACK : Yeah, yeah, incubator . . .Now come on . . .let's get on with it . . .

                          IADIES ANQ GE[V2T.EMEN . . .IN HONOR OF DON WILBON'S TWENTIEl'H

                          YFAR ON MY PROGRAM . . .WE'RE GOING TO AtESENT A PIAY BASED ON

                          HIS LIFE . . . ."THE DON WII80N STORY" . . .OR "L= CAN BE PLENTIFUL"

                          . . . . CIRTAIlQ . . . . MUSIC . . .

  (MUSIC)



                                                                                         HTii01        0184610
                                                                                                                     -10-


                 JACK : (FIIlPIIt) OUR STORY OPENS IN DBINVII2, COIARADO, MANY YEARS AGO .

~ THE STORK HAS JUST DELLVEHBR A PRECIOUS BUN4LE TO THE HOME OF

                                                    MR . AND MRS . DONALD C .      WILSON,   SENIOR . . .THE MOT747i HAPPILY

            - WHISPEHS TO                                         THE   FATHQ2 .
                LOIS : Darling, it's a boy .                                         .
                JACK : (FILTIIi) AND THE PROUD FAT}ffii SAID---

                BOB : Yes, aren't ve lvcky . . .the stork brought us a boy .

                JACK :(FILTER)ANDHBSOKI-MEL

                                               : (STORK VOICE) Oh, my aching back :
                JACK : (FIL1'FR) AS THE                                    PROUD PARENTS LEANED OVER          THE CRIB LOOHING

                                                    AT THEIR NEWBORN SON, THE BABY SAID---
               NEL : (CRIES VffitY VIItY SOFTLY)

II C . JACK :THREBDAYSL ID-'MEL

                                               : (CRI68 LODD . . .I vent a roaet beef eandrrich . . .(CRIES)

               JACK :                               (FILTER) BE WAS DEVffiL7PING SIANLY . . .DORING '1'HAT                FIRST WEEK


                                                    TRREE NURSES QUIT BECAUSE THEY JUST CODLDf1'T STAfID                    GIVING


                                                    HIM HIS BOTTLE . IT WAS ESASPFSiATING . . .THE GRAVY                  WOULD   SW   i

                                                    TBROUGH, BUT THE MASHED POTATOES SB;Rfi MARDNR . .
                                                                    . . .AIlPROWH HIS PARENTB DID HAVE .BUTDONALWSGBOY TROUBLE

                                                    GETTING RIA4 TO SIELP .
              BOB : Nov come on, Baby . . .cane on .                                      .itttime fcr beddy bye .
              MEL : (CRIES)                                                                           .
              BOB : Now Baby, stop that

                                 :(CRIESMO)B                                .MEL

                                 : Baby, stop .
              MEL : (CRIES)

              BOB :                                 &1BY, PUT &1B DOWN :                                              .




                                                                                                               ATtt01         0184611
                                                                                        -11-
!,-
      MEi . :                       (STOPS                     CRYING)                 ,

      LOIS : You better let me have him, dear .

      BOB : Okay .

      LOIS :                        Now Donald, close your little eyes and Mamay vill          sing you   to

                                    sleep .

      MEL :(GURLESHAPILY)OS

                              : (SINGS) Rockabye, baby, inthe tree tcp .
                                               When the wind blowe, the cradle4vi11 rock .

                                               If the    bough   breaks, the .cradle will fall,

                                               Down will c w e ponald, .Denver and all . . .
                                -   Look dear, he ' s asleep .
                                    (FIIfiER) WHEN IpN WAS SIX YBARS OLD, THEY SENT HIM TO

                                    SCHOOL . . .THE TEACHFR LOOIED UP AT HTM AND SAID~-__

                                 And now I'd ou children to recite tbe~slphabet, . .
                                 Donald Wilson,         you   go fire

                                    (IN CHILDIS VOICE) A, B, C, I, J, K,

                                 L, S, M, F, T .
                                 That's correct, Dona

                                    (FILTER)    THE   T q&M USED TO WORK FOR THE BOARD OF I

                                 FAUCATION BVP LUCKIES PAID MORE .           .~ YEARS PASSID QUICKLY

                                 AND IpN ENTFRfiD COLIBGE, . .AND SINCE RIS BURNING AMBITION

                                 WAS TO BECOME A RADIO ANNOUNCER, HE MAJORED IN AACL'PION .

      DON : Hov . . .now .~o~cw . . .Hqv ~nov~IO. .cow .
                                                 . .,brown .
                                             _ICrs ..
      JACK : (FILTER) A1~DO~P7YS PAIp~°.J -BTR        .XN TO WHAT HIS
                                 PROFR4SORS TOLD HIM .




                                                                                       RT 80 1 0184612
                                                                                         -12-


QUART : OH, DONNY BOY, YOU SOON WILL LEAVE TH6E HALIAWE~D 7HALiS ,~,~~~~~

             TO FACE THE WORL1) AND ALL THE FVfI1RE BRINGS- ^' ~-"./°
             BE NOT AFRAID BUT G0 WHERE EVFR DUPY CA ~/ ULiS

             WITH YOUR DFX31~.'8 OF L~ M¢'T, OF MFT
MARTY : But remember, Bm, /w6en you beoome an announcer en0 step
             up to tW-ticrop4one you've got to -- '

QUART : ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE

             ELIMINATE THE NFIiATIVE
      u-w1Zi

               .ATCH ON TO THE AFFIRMATIVE DON'T MESS WITH MISTER IN8E1WEQi

             YOU- VE eG0'' TO .                  IATERITY
     .2-~R ADD°0 YOUR POP V RITY

             DON'T ME5S WITH MISTER INBEfW&FSI

             TO ILLUSTRATE OUR LAST REt4ARK

             JONAH IN THE WHALE, NOAH IN THE ARK

             WHAT DID THEY SAY,                   JUST     WHEN      EV   EEZITHING I,OOEED SO DARK?

             I SURE WOULD L'IXE A LUCKY
             YEAH,        Ml1Ni IT'S LUCKY STRIKE IqR ME

             LIGHT UP, WE                KNOW   THAT YOU'LL AGREB

             PUFF ON AN IS MFT
             DON'T hR5S WITH                  MISTER      INBEI'HEHV
             OH N0, DON'T MESS WITH MISTER INBEfNEET1 .
QUART : HOW . .NOW . .BROWN . .COW

             HOW . .NOW . .BROWN . .COW
             BEPTER TASTE . .YOU'LAGREISDFT



             BE HAPPY, GO UJCKY STRIEE
     .USE)
(APPL0




                                                                                    ATH01 0184613
                                                                                                                -13-

(THN2D ROUPINE)

JACK : (FIIICER) DON WAS A BRILWANP STUDENT AYm                                                   HE GRADUATED         FROM

                                 COLLEGE   MAGNA CUM LNRDY . .     . . .   BS/P THE NIGHP THAT HE hAS

                                 PACKING   TO   LEAVE   THE   CAMPUS,       AE Gf/P AN EMERGENCY CALL . HIS

                                 FATHER HAD MET WITH AN ACCIDENP . DON DROPPED EVERYTHI NG AN)
                                 RUSRED TO THE HOSPITAL .

SANDRA : You mey go in end see him now, Mr . Wilson .

DON : Thank you, nurse .                                                                J
SANDFA : Oh . .end don't stay too long . It was quite an accident . . .and

                                 . .well, your fatherHs ug ite old now .

DON :                            I   keep forgetting .I it:awve+n•~t
                                                                  '          seen           him for   years .


              ~                (SODfID : FEN
                                          *                   FOOTSTEPS        IN CORRIDO i AND DOOR OPENS)

DON : (SOHTLY) Dad . . .Dad .

                               : (AS OID MAN)       Howdy,.DENIS Blubber .
DON :                          Dad . .thia accidant .         .Whan did it happen?

DENNIS : This morning .

DON : Ws-4t~ cer?

DENNIS : Nope .                             ~

DON :~ Was it e truck?DEN IS

                               : Nope .                                                                                       .

DON :                          Was        it    a   rain?           '\                  .

DIIVNIS : Nope
DON : en how did it happen? -~

DE'NNIS : I fell on a mailman .
DON : Gosh, Dad . .I,jc It get over it
                               : Whatia that, son?                             .DENIS




           CB




                                                                                                      RTH 0 1 01       9   4614
                                                                       -14-



                       ~
DON : We11 . .I know it's been a long tims since I've seen you . . .but
DON :
         !(
        IdRardly recognized you . How cone you look so different?
DENNIS : Beceuse Bob Crosby can ' t play the part of            an   old man .

JACK : (FIIM) DON HAD MADE UP HIS 14IFID TO BE A RADIO ANNOUNCER .
                                                            R



                                                . . .AIICHOTAH DON DIDN'T KNOif IT

           AT THE TIME, OUR PATHS WERS ABOUT TO CROSS . I WAS DOING A

           SHOr! THEN FOR THE HAYMA'F0~7-       .-CORSEf COMPANY, AND ONE DAY
           MY SPONSOR CAISED, So I AbID WENT STRAIGHf TO

           HIS OFFICE .

                 . . (SOIIAID : A FA1 FOOTffi'EPS)
 Xp~      &,   ^"'
           geg~-yec~7 sponsor really has a nice building here .
                            . ...,.,~
                         And fp certainly llsvee in vertieing . . .
           look   at   that big Neon sign . .'h7 M   ZWZp4=qQW&        COFtSR

           CObffANY" . .Arti look at their slogen--'bather unto you wbSt is

           yours" .    .   ~   ~fT
                                  .   YV   ~~

3NiF1F:            f/1/~
                   Well,                                --

-jkCxT===XW




                       (SOIIfID : DOOR OPPsNS . .FEW FOCf8P8PS)
dABiG.-

               ~ (SOUND : DOOR OPENS)
JACK : Dh .`I beg your pardon, sir, but would you tell Mr . Willeby

           that Jack Benny is here to see h7m1




   CB




                                                                  arK    01      0 e
                                                                                  1    4615
     MEL : Oh, Mr . Willebyis expecting you, Mr . Benny . .Go right through
(
                that door .
     JACK : Thank you . . ;V eb -Pe4j eoem g; :Xzp7 .

                          (SOiAM : EIGHT FOGPSTEPS . .,DOOA OPENS)
     LOIS :     Yes?
     JACK : Mr . Willsby,       please .


     LOIS : Oh, youfre Mr . Benny . .Mr, Willaby's expecting you . Gb right

                through that door .
     JACK : Thank you, . * eme=ou.r-Mara .

                          (SOUND : EIGHT FOdP°JPEPS . .DOOR OPENS)
     JENNY : Yes?

     JACK : Knen .,Ilm here to see Mr . Willaby,                  .
    ' JENNY : Oh, you're Jack Benny .
     JACK : Yes .

     JENNY : Mr . Willeby f s expecting you, go right through              that   door .
     JACK :     Thank   you : :9ems   w;,-Mazy   .

                          (SOUND ;    EIGHI' FOUPSTEPS .,DGOR OPENS)

     SANDRA :   Yes?          '
                                                  .. ..~
     JACK : Miss, I'm Jack Benny . .Mr . Willaby 4a expecting me .

     SANDRA :   Who l a Mr . Willaby?                .2~
     JACK : Look, Miss, isn ' t this the             latem&aftangl'   Corset Company?
     SANDRA :   Yes .
     JACK : Well, Mr . Willaby is the president .

     SANDRA :   Oh, you mean Poopsie!
     JACK : Poopsie!




       CB




                                                                      ATK01 0184616
                                                                                                                        -16-

                  SATIDRA : Yes . . .Go right through that 8oor .

               - JACK : Oh, for-- Well, all                                right . . . 0V@9MHPV=rj1,


                                                       (SOUND :    FIId FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS)
                  JACK :                     Mr .     Willaby?


                  NE[ .80N :Yes,urpid?JACK

                                 :           fas . .Mr . Willaby, I'm Jack Benny .
                  NIISON . ;,,vLi tmow, I knov . . .come right in
                                                                                            .4

               'MARF :-~He}i~MrrWl33ab~.



                                                 f (w+C ~°-u . . :
I JACK :                                        1F8PT: .,•:Now Mr . Willaby, what'is it you wantedto see me
I`about?~
                  NII80N :Well, I hate to bother an artist of your stature with
,-                                              trifles,        but a strange thing has happened since you've
                                                been   broadcasting      for us .
      ' JACK : What's that? NELSON
                                        : We've been losing money

                                                                               . 3hCT ~ "-~„monegR-~BaE3ast-ereekyou'seid"'9eu-hha~-®ePe-erdere-

                                                ~-qoP'CSiT YS11 .

                 f7F119N . -# ee#d~we=hfle!-                                                                        .



                  NELSON :                      We ' ve been selling      corsets    for fifteen years . . .and this                        is


                                                the first time the company is feeli the                          pinch .




                                               --P4    . . ..     .     ,                                                .




            d ;,DH




                                                                                                                   RTX01             018461?
                                                                               -17-



     NELSON :   (HAPPY) You . .really      think     so O
     JACK :     Yes .                        /

     NEGSON :   You're a worse_co6edlanthan I thought .

     JACK :         wait-a minute, Mr . W111ab~-,gre you trying to insult me?
                Nov ~
     NELSON :   OOOb000HH, AM I .
~
     JACK :     FLum .

                Mr .     Willaby,    just What is your      complaint   about .aeekft

                program?                                                                 r p,t,
                                             -   tr-..                                   ~

     NELSON : I can't stand the vay li reads our•commercials . I vant 3SU

                to hire an announcer .

     JACK : (FILTIIt) SO I STARTID AUDITIONING ANNOUNCPRS . . .I TRIID VOICES,

                VOICB . . .ALL KINDS OF VOICP.S . . .DEEP ONFS . .HIGH ONES . . .SOFT

                   .i
                ONPc . . .LOUD ONF3 . .

          : (REGlJL9R,)A11 right, Bud, you're next . . .Read this . . .
                             .JACK

                "THE CORSII' COMPANY PRR8FNTS JACK BFIJNY . . . .
                Nov, the      show    opens and you say ---

                                     THE INTFRNATIONAL CORSII' COMPANY PRFSIIVTS
                JACK HENNY .

     JACK : Never m1nd, never mind :
     (SHORT TRANSITION MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

     JACK : All right, sir, you try it . . .the shov ppens and you say --
     MII, : (BUGS BUNNY) THE INTFRNATIONAL CORSII' COMPANY \PRFSEPII'S

                JACK BEM7Y .

     JACK :     That's                not        vhat        I    xantY~           `
     (SHORT TRANSITION MUSIC,,UP AND DOWN) ,




-'   DH




                                                                           arxo    1    0ieas~e
                                                                 -18-

  6A•

             ~g"'Xa~nf --
  MEL : (PORKY PIG) THE INTBRNATIONAL CORSEP COMPANY PR85ENPS

             JACK   BENNY .


  JACK : NO NO NO NO N0 :
  MEL : (PORKY) T-t-t-t-that's all folks .

  JACK : (FILTFR) I AUDITIONFD OVER FIVE RONDPiED PII7PLE, BUT I WASN'T
                                                            U
           GEM'ING ANYPIACE . . .T3i81`lrf;~                     -
                                                                               ~.
                                                   . . . .IT WAS THFN THAT i~Ltl{E
          T.-«r.. .-« . .'%~i ~++ ..? .             . .
                           TRY 91R.LUCK AT TEE FAMOUS ACME EUCUTION SCHOOL .
                        SOD1®      t~mRmxcel
                                                    ~
 )~MARY : Her e ara, Jack/

! JACK : Come on, 'a go in .                   ~
~       SOUND :OPE4QS)@UART
         : (IN UNISON

                    A xith a U      is   A-U, A-U
                    D   with    a U is D-U, D-U
                    U-D, U-D, U-A, U-A
                    G   with    a U is G-U, G-U
                    E   with    a U is E-U, E-U
                    A-U, E-U, G U, D-U .
  RY : (NICE VOICE) Very good, sk~ea5a,-vel~-goed .

  M$/iif                         ^        at de 9ou thlnk . -~
                                         ppl        ~

  MARY : P with a U is P-U, P-U .                       '
 ~t .




J DR




                                                            NTYS 0 1    0184619
                     .+-~7                             -19-
                 17b~ '
     HY :                   ~
        ~1
           - . ,, ~ , ~ v~t a z u t /
     JACK : Ohy I~'m~ rry _

              3ft looking for a radio announcer .
     HY : Well, you've come to the right place . . .Nov let's see . . .In

              this class I have little Harry Von Zell, Billy Goodwin, Jimmy
              Wa111ngton, andithatfat one over there is Donald Wilson .
                            a
     JACK : Donald WS1son .,i,I like that name,-atd he looks like he

              might be just right for my program .

     HY : Certalnly, Mr, Benny, I'll call him over . . .,Oh Donald . . .

              DonaLd, this is Jack Benny .
     JACK : Hov do you do .

     DON : (IN RHYTtiS) Hoq vith an H and an 0 and-a U and an 0 and a

~ D is a Hov do you do .
     JACK : Yew. .Nop, Mr . Wilson, I'm considering you as an announcer for            .
              my program, and Sf you take the job, I hope everything turns
              out fine .                        .


        .~Iak?
      '~---


     siAe~Glr.


     DON :    Thank you .
     JACK :   N r . . .Nov about your salary, Mr .   Wilson .


     DON :    Oh, I'm   so   anxious to get into radio,     I'll   pork for my three
              meals a day .




     DH
d.




                                                                   arx01   0184620
                                                                   -20-

JACK : Well, I vasn't planning to go that high . . .Look, Mr . Wilson,

         money isn't everything       ., and you said yourself that you vere

         anxious to get into radio .

DON : I knov, but/if I'm not going to make a half may decent

         salary, why should I go on a shov that'a dovn ?

JACK : IT'S NOT DOWN . . .How did that get in the script?
DON : It's in there because it happens to be true .

JACK : It is not .

DON : IT IS     TOO .


JACK : IT IS NOT .
M0 3kJACK, YOU'RE RUINING THE WEmLE SCFNE .

JACK : I DON'T CARE . . .MY SHOW WAS NEYII2     DOWN .


HY : IT WAS,      TOO .


JACK : YOU STAY OUT OF THIS . .

NELSON : DON'T PICK ON HIM, f$2ELN kYF5 .

JACK : WHAT ?

SANDRA : THAT'S TII,LIN' HIM, POOPSIE .
JACK : THAT DOES IT :           ~•u~ ;~-~ ~ .,m
:i~-.        ^~^/ •                                              ,J
MM     L'--+JACK, LEP' S GEP BACK TO '­U STORY ('Hm'!B ORREWO ISFE .
                              •YY. . .~

JACK : I DON'T CARE       ABOUT   HB1M LTFE . I'M SICK OF IT . . .I'M GOING

         HOME . G00DBYE .
MARY : JACK --

JACK : G WITH AN 0 WITH AN 0 WITH A D WITH A B B- BYE . GOODBYE .

      ~ c .~ M(S~UPID : DOOR SIAMS )
(APPLAUSE AND PIAYOFF )




DH




                                                            arx   01   0   184   6   21
                                                                       -21-

    BIG BROT}Q.~'RS

    JACK : Ledies and gentlemen, when a feller needs a frisnd . .he

                 needs a helping hand . Aod the hands of the BIG BROTFER .S
                 heve helped thousands of growing boys to find the way to

                 a useful life . . .Since the first BIG B%1TfB•.R movanent was

                 formed in 1904, to the many thousands of inen who daily
                     n
                 volunteer to help, I say congratulations for a job well

                 done . If you are interested in being a BIG BROTHER to

                 some needy boy . . .Write - BIG BRGTHffi2S OF ANlE2ICA -
                 Philadelphia 3, Pennsylvania .

                 Thank you .
    (APPIAUSE)                                             .




1




                                                               Hrxo1        0184 6 22
    AMERICAN TOBACCO CO .                                                                           -C-
- JANUARY 10, 1954 (TRADBCRIBED JANUARY 7,                1954)
    ~SING C064~L4L .
    YIILSON : Jack will be back in just a minute . . .but first a word

                 from America's foremost authority on etiquette .
                 Miss Amy Vanderbilt

                                          . AMY Some of my friends tell me that in my new book on
    VANI ERB ILT :
    (Trans .) etiquette, I      was   a little bard on smoking .                       Actually           I
                was   hard on smokers . at least, some smokers . I dislike
                 thoughtless   smokers .      You know, the man next to y~o~u,, at

                 the dinner table who holds his cigarette so tha +ti'smoke
                drifts into your eyes . I like                 considerate            smokers . For
                 instance, I like to       know     that sp husband is considerate
                 enough to carry my brand of ci ga rette . . .Lucky                        Strike .


                In smoking, as in etiquette, it is,                     after       all, all a
                                                                                             a


                matter of   taste .   I   went      a   cigarette          that tastes better
                 to me than any other .         That's       Lucky Strike .
    WILSON : Friends, Amy Vanderbilt is right . Smoking enjoyment is
    (live)
                 all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is,

                Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . There

                are two good reasons . . .first, they're made of fine

                 tobacco . The whole world knows -- IS/MET -- Lucky Strike

                means fine tobacco . Then -- Luckies are actually made

                better to taste better . . .made round and firm and fully

                packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . It all adds up

                to real deep-down smoking enjoyment for you . So take a

                 tip from me and be happy -- go Lucky -- next time ask for

                a carton of Lucky Strike .

    COLiSffi : Luckies taste better

    CHOBUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother

~   Lucky   Strike,      Lucky        Strike




                                                                           ATH 0 1 0184623
                                                                              -n-

                                    (SOUND : DOOR 0PIIi5)
JACK :                   Hello,   Rochester .
ROCH :                 BELLO,     BOSS .


MEL :(BARKS)JACK

                   :   What's     that?


ROCH : THATjS THB COCI4'sR SPANIEL YOU WON IN THE RAFFLE .
JACK : Oh, isn't he cute?

ROCH : YOU BETTER LIIC3 HIM A IAT, BOSS, HE MAY WIND UP COSTING

                         YOU A HUNDRED AND FIFPY THOUSAND DOIIAR3 .
JACK : Wait a minute, the woman that fell down was only suing

                         me for a hundred thousand . What's the fifty thousand

                         £or!

ROCH : YOU'HE BEII'Xi SUED AGAIN, THE DOG JI19T BIT SOMEBODY .

JACK :                 Oh,   no : . . .Goodnight folks .
(APPLAUSE)


DON : The Jack Benny Program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt

                         Josefsberg, George Belzer, John Tackaberry, and produced

                         and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .


                         The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike,

                         product of the American Tobacco Company, America's

                         leading manufacturer of cigarettes .




                                                                RT}{01 0184624
                                                              PROGRAM #19
                                                              REVISID SCRIPT




                      Tt E    AME   RICAx Tosnooo CaaPAm
                              . LUCKY     STRIKE


                              THE JACK BENRY     PROGRAM




SUiIDAY, JANUARY 1 7 , 1954             CBS                   4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST
                             (TRANSCRIBID     JANUARY   13, 1954)




                                                               Rrx   01   0 e
                                                                           1    462   5
T HEE
    JACK        B .NNY PROGRAM
JANUARY  17, 1954 (I'ranscribed Jan . 1~, 1?54)
AMERICAN TOAA.CCC ~A .
OPENING CUMMIItCIAL


WILSON :          The Jack Benny program . . . transcribed and      presented           by

                  Lucky St,ike :

COLLINS : Luckies ta .ste better

CHORUS :        Cleaner     freshmotCTS

        ,   INS : Luckies taste better

CHCAUS : Cleaner fresher smoother
                  For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco

                  R :eher tiasting fine tobacco

COIS,iNS : Luckies taste better

CHORUS :          Cleaner fresher smoother

                  Lucky Strike            Lucky   Strike

WIISCN : This is Don Wilson, friends . How do you :eei about it?

                  isn~t smoking enjoyment the main thing you want from

                  your cigarette? We11, just remember this . Smoking

                  enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of' the

                  matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher,

                   smoother, Now, freshness is especially important -- cnd

                  you'll be glad to know that every pack of Lucky Strike

                   is extra t~ghtly sealed to bring you Luckles' better

                   taste in zl-i its natural freshness . LitSht up a Lucky

                   and see °or yourself now much fresher, how much better

                   it does taste . Luckies just have to taste better . It

                   the first place they're made with fine ~.obacco . . . fire,

                  naturally, mild, aood-tasting tobacco, Lucky Strike

                  means fine tobacco . Secorn3ly, Luckies are made better

                  -- made round and firm and fu11y packed to draw freely

                   and smoke evenly . All this means better taste .

                                                                            (   MCRE)
MG



                                                           ftT .'+{ 0 - 1       018   46   26
THF JACK EENNY   PROGRAM
                                                                  -RJANUY17,954
uPEPIING CCIUi' CIpS, (CON'P'D)

6IIL50IN" : Yes, smoking enjoyment is e11 a matter of taste . And
 ~CCNT'D)                                                       .
               the fact o£ the matter is Luckies taste better . So be

            happy -- go Lucky . Get better taste and get i,t fresh

            with Lucky Strike .

COLLINS : Luckies     taste   better
CHORUS :    Cleaner    'resF.er smoother

            LuckJ   Strike    Lucky Strike




MG




                                                     F97~#;C7T C7784-62?
(FIRST                         RCUTINE)                                 -1-
(AFPER CCMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DCWN)

DON :      THE LUCKY STRIFG's PRCGRAM, STARRICA JACK BENNY .,WITH MARY
           LNINGSTCNE,        ROCHESTER,       DENNIS DAY,      BOB CROSBY,    AND "YCURS
           TRULY"   DON     WILSON .


(APPLAUSE .,MUSIC UP AND       DOWN)


DON :      LADIES APID GENTIFMEN, TCNIGHT JACg BENNY                 DOES ANOTHER OF       HIS

           TELEVISIGN PRCGRAMS ., .WITH HIS GUEST STAH, LIBERACE . . .BUT
           ME   ANWfQLB, I'D LIISEAKE              YOU   BACK   TO   LAST   WEDNESDAY .
           AFIE R srF   T   nRSa7 . BGB, D S, AND JACK           DROPPED     IN AT THE

           CORNER   DRUG     STORE     FCR A   BITE TO   EAT,
                        (SOUND :    LIGHT RESTAUAANT      NOISES)


JACK : Hey, fellows, our regular table over there is empty .

BOB : Yeah,,,come on, Dennis .

DENNIS :   Okay .


                        (SOUND :     FEH   FOOTSTEPS)


           Here we are .
DENNI      I :1l pull your         chair   out for you, Mr . Benny .
JACK : Dennis, you only pull a chair out for ladies sit down .
        1


DENNIS : Not n you :re gonna pull it out as f as I am .
JACK : Never mind .. . .sit          down .


                        (SCIId~ : CHAI[LS MGVED)
BOB : Jack, I meant t\gsftyou . Why were you late for rehearsal

          this morning?%
                    i
JACK : Oh, I was'up in Mr . Acke an's offlce, .He's the head of

           C .B .S: Television on the Wea Coast,

BCB :,Iknow .
JACK :,~ And William Paley, the boss of the whple netvork is in town

 / and they had a big meeting to go over tkle,televislon set-up
           for next year .




                                                                     arx    01   01   e   4628
                                                                                                       -2-

                                           Gee, that sounds important .
      BOB :\Didtheyavmucosy?,~JACK
                                     : I dc ~n t1leao . .they kept thei~r c sed . . .Anyilay, Itm

                                           glad I   wasn't               suse Mr . Paley was pretty mad .
      BOB : What abou

       JACK : H,Le wlfe has been spending too much money on c1o

                                           You know, fellows, Mary used to win the award for bein& the

    ~ best dressed woman until she oame to work for me .                                                .Well,

                                           Itil get the waitress and wetll order . . .Oh Miss . . .Mies . .
       IRIS :                              What do o~u want, Mac?
       JACK :                              Hmmm . We'd like to place our order .
       IRIS :                              Okay . . .Here+s the menu .
       JACK :                              Thanks . . .Now let's see . . .I don't kmow what I want . . .Fba® . . .
                                           I think I'11 have the hash .

       IRIS :Theas2lJACK

                                     : That's right .
       IRIS :                           Okay . .,ONE ORDER OF IEFT-OVERS FOR A GAMBIER .

       JACK : Never mind, waitress . . .oancel the order .

       IRIS : THROW IT BACK IN THE PAIL

                                     : Gee, sar I don't know what .JACK to have . . .




       JAW : Le9kj V1~ --

       IRIS : Hurry up, Mac, I ain't got all day .
        JACK : AK! Don't rush med ar+d what kind of a looking table is this,
                i
                   anyway? There's a half-lit cigarette in the ash tray . .
                                           there are fingerprints all over the plate . .and there'a

                                           lipstick on my water glass .

d




                                                                                           arx0    1   0184629
                                                                       -3-
    IRIS : What are you . .a customer or        Boston   Blackie?

    JACK : Now look . I don :t want any of your saroasm . .just bring

               me a ham sandwich and a cup of coffee .
    IRIS : Okay

        :I :11.BO ave the same and a glass of orange julce . . .And make
               sure,7it :s Minute Maid .                 -

    IRIS : Why does it have to be Minute Maid orange juice?
    BOB : ~I1m helping out a relative whots not doing too well .

    3A6K+--HaS .t-a

               too--w®7 .14
    BBBa

    JACK : Well, what do you know . .All right, Dennis, what are you

               gonna have?
    DENNIS : Let's see . . .IP1I have the chopped liver, the mahtzah ball

               soup and the gefulte fish .

    IRIS : Okay . . .ONE PAT O'BRIEN SPECIAL,

    JACK : ~/Dennis, what :re you gonna have to       drink?


    DENNIS :a// L 11 have a chocolate malted milk with five eggs in it .
             /
    JACK :     Five?  Dennis, how come you want so many egg s?-£:5#64
    DENNIS :   I know a hen    that's   not doing too well .

    JACK :     Now cut that out . . .Mias, just get our orders .

    IRIS :     Okay .

                         (SODtm . REfRFATING FWTSTEPS) _
                                                                  0>v~
    BOB : ,3RY, Jack, are you going up to Pebble Beach and playiin Bingta

              Pro-Amateur golf tournament?
                  /I-",
    JACK : I may, if my game keeps improving . I :ve been doing pretty

               well lately .


a




                                                               ATX01   0194630
                                                                          -4-
BGB :     Y,


JACK : Yes . I played yestel nit have much time so I only

          played six holes . . .but when I quit, I va rYy one over par .
BOB : ~Say, th~good, .six holes ard only one over par .

JACK :~ Yes „par is 72, I had 73,, .I was a little off on my putting .
DENNIS : I think golf is a silly gane .

JACK : Oh, you do, Dennis . . .Well, let me aska you something . . .If

          it's such a silly geme, why are people like Ben Hogan,
          Sammy Snead, Lloyd Mangrum, and Fred Wampler playing it?

DBNHIS : Because they can't sing .
JACK : , 4re6
            11, I I 11 show you how ridiculous               that   is, Dennis, .

  . Bing Crosby is a good golfer and he ' s one of the greatest
          singers in the     country .


DENNIS : Then how coma he has to sell orange            j   uice?
JACK :    Oh, be quiet„ I don ' t know       why   I get into these

          conversations     with you before I eat .

IRIS : Here' e your grub, fellows .
                     (SOZIfID : HATTIE OF   DISHES   ATID SILYEEh1ARE)

JACK :    Thanks .


IRIS : And the boss sent this over with the complimsnts of the

          house .

                     (90IIAID : POP LIKE CHAMPAG1Vg BOTTLE OPENING)
JACK : Gee, a new bottle of letchup, .,Isn't that nicel

IRIS :   Do    you        went           anything              else?            -

JACK : No, thetIll be all, Miss .
IRIS :    Okay .


                     (SOUND : IEPAHTING FOOTSTEPS)


CB




                                                              AT    x 1
                                                                     0    0184631
                                                                                 -5-
                  She's a charming gir1 . .I wonder how ehe'd look in an ermine

                bathing       eul~~      I


    BOB :                      .ette have some music while we eat . .There's a
                                 A,1~HeyflowsA
                         ~
                  juke box ver there .

    JACK : ~ Swe11 . .Anybedy got            change   for a   quarter?


    BOB : py I have .
    JACK : ~ Good, go put a nickel in .

    BOB : Wait a minute, how about you putting a nickel in for a
                  change?

    JACK :        . .Well .
             : Go ahead, Mr . Benny, put 8 nickel in .
                       .DENIS

    JACK : But everyone in the atore'll hear the record, won ' t                   they?


              ~~S~hat?
    BOB : 0A///


    JACK : tU,GV jy doesn't seem fair . .why should I put in a nickel and a
               / whole bunch of total strangers can listen to it?

    BOB : What's the difference, Jack . .Go ahead, be a sport .

    JACK : Okay .
                              FOOTSTEPS)
                              (SOUND :
                              ~~                             i
     JACK : Let's see . .8a~ ttere's the Bell Sisters latest record . .there
                  are two of them --But wait a minute . . .here'e one by the

                  Ink Spots . . .,s `s-r-' _

                  -Mi.li .R~+o ^`*                                  . .Boy ;look et this_

                   the Fred Waring choir . .now t re's a buy .

     DENNIS : (OFF Se , Mr . Benny, one of my records is on it .

     BOB : Yeah~ p y that .
     JACK : A solo? . . . . .Well, okay . . .here goes ..
                              (SOIIPID : NICKEL I$tOPPING IN SLOT)

     (DENNIS'S SONG)
d    (APPL(iUSE)
     CB



                                                                         RTH01   0184632
    r   -        (SECOND                                RQITINE)                                -       -6-
                                               ~ .          ~
                             s+ .~m   ,
                                           - Y
~       JACK :     .       Say^ that's a swell eeng~ Dennis,                  you'll     have to do it

                           on the show sometime .
        DENNIS :           Yeah .

                                                                  ~,,"
        BOB :              Well, let's get out of her                       ?
        JACK :             Ckay,,,who gets the oheuk this time?

        BOB &
        DENNIS :           IT'S                   YWR       TURN                  a
        JACK :             Oh, yes . .,Miss . . .Miss . . .I'11 take          the     check .
        IRIS :             Here ya are .

        JACK ;             . . . . FLnmimomnm .
        IRIS :         .   WE'~LL- PICK IT UP IT AIN'T RADIO-ACTIVS .
                            ~
                       .-c
        JACK : ~           Don't be funny, . .Here . . .you         can   keep the change,

                                                         now I can givers.                      y   compe   U~   Ze .
        JACK : Yeah, ye

        BOB : Well, Jack, I'm gonna                                         ome




        HEARN : (OFF) (STRAIGHP) Telephone oa11 for Jack                                  Benny


                           Telephone call for Jack           Benny .


        JACK : ;f Excuse me, fellows .

                                          (SW2ID :   FOOTSTEPS)

        HEARN : It's in that second booth .

        JACK :r~ Thank                you .


                                          (SWND : CWPLE FOOTSTEPS         . . .   BOOTH DOOR CLCBFS)
        JACK :             Hello .


        ROCH : HELLO,                  MR .   BENNY, THIS IS      ROCHESTER .


        (APPL4USE)


        MG




                                                                                         RTYS01         0184633
                                                                                                                            -7-

JACK : Rochester, how did you know I was here at the drug store?

ROCH : I CALLED C .B .S ., THEY TOLD ME YOG WERE .CGT TO LUNCH APID I

         HAD A HGNCH IT WASN'T ROMANOFF'S .

JACK :   W . . . Well, what did you callme for, Roohester?
ROCH : I THOUGHT IJBE'1TEH„YCU HAD A PHONE CALL FRCt4 MISTER

         LIBERACE .
JACK : Oh yes . . . he's going to be a guest on my television

         program .          ., . What did Liberace want?

ROCHt WELL . . .HE SAID HE KNEW IT WAS HIGHLY IRREGUTAR ., .A1L) HE

         DOE
               .'SN'T WANT ALL HIS SAIARY IN ADVANCE--BCT WWIU YC4J BE ABLE TO GIVE HIM A HCNDRBD DOLIAR9 OF IT ItMt6DIATEI .Y .

JACK : A hundred dollars? --- I guess so, if it's urgent,, .what

         does he need the money for?

ROCH : TOOTHPASTE .

JACK : Okay, I'll give it to him , ., And Rochester, when he plays

         the piano on my T,V, show, I'm going to play my violin . .,
         so you better get it reedy,

ROCH : I DID, BC65 . . .I TOOK IT COT OF THE CASE, AND ONE OF THE

         STRINGS IS BROKEN .

JACK : Well,JI'll tell you what, . .Call the music atore, hav~hem'

         send you a new string, and then send the billye~Iloyds
         of'bendon .

ROCH :   . . .LLOYIC OF ...:ar . [          T



JACK : Yes, why~--
          /
ROCH :/ANYTHING THAT MOANS LIKE THAT SHCUID I~f QE'R}SJE--QRCGS,
JACK : (_Never mind . .,An way, IJust thought o                                             something,
         to pass the music store so I'71 pick up the string myself .


MG




                                                                                              ar     901           0184634
k ,i/9~ll~t l1Elr~Gt~~~t~y /~ur%7~,lvu~f/,"°1E~ua .GZV~c'w8-

     ROCH :
     JACK :

     HOCHt YGUR i^nTTxS9 PULL 0F TE[MITffi .
     JACK : Termites in my violin . . .That's awful .- how qan I get rid

                         of them?

     ROCH : PLAY IT--PIAY IT

                                         :JACK
                     : Never mind, I'11 think of something . . .Goc3bye,

     RCCH : GOODBYE . . .OH SAY BOSS .

     JACK :Nowhat?ROCH

                     : THERE WERE A CWPIE OF OTHER ME5SAG&S . . .YCNR DEI7PIST AND

                         YWR BARBER CALhID .                     .

     JACK : What_did they say?

     ROOH : THEY'RE BOTH READY, YQJ CAN PICK 'EM UP .
     JACK : Okay,, elsay . I'11 see you when I get homig . .Goobye .

     ROCH : G00000000D BYE

                                 (SOUPID : FECEIVER DOWN . FQIR LQ7D THUMPS ON
                                TELEPHONE COIN BOX)            .~_
     JACK :              Oh,    I     he    ed    me . . Well, I better go get that
                         vlyLin'string .

                                    SWND• BOOTH-DOOR_OPEM. F(70TSTEPS-)- . __J .
     JACK :' Sorry it took so long, fellows . I'm                       going   on to
      ~    Beverl3 Hills . Anybody want a lift?
           .?~ rW }'aak, y.lank. :' ~s .(Tz~
     BOB :      . Yve-geLta go back to the studio and run over a couple of

                         numbers with the   orchestra .


    -ffA        '-,~-0h,-              _                       .-I-   -didirit-see-Remleg -vith
                         the-bffitd-tNdgy: -WhEFe -v aH'-hem




     MG




                                                                           RT4101 0184635
                                                                          -9-

BOB : Well, he asked if he could have the day off . He wanted
      ~o~go to the art museum .

JACK : Remley . . .Frank Rem1n . . .our,Mr<.-Frank Remley,„ went to
            the art museum?

BOB : Yeah, he~igured the cops would nev~ ook for him there .

JACjOh . .~ . .Well, I'll see you later, Bob, nQ g .
          .Oh,

             .
            So                   lpng                               ~

DENNIS : Say, I want to go to Beverly Hills, too . Can I ridevith

            you?
JACK : Sure, Dennis . Let's go, My car's across the street .
(TRALLSITION MCSIC)

                   (SCUND : JACK'S MARWIId, MOTOR RUNNIHG . . .F341 TOOTS OF

                   LOUSY HORN)

JACK : It's a little cool out today, .,isn't it, Dennis?

DENNIS : Yeah . . .Say, Mr . Benny, can't we go a little bit faster?

JACK : What do you'mean, faster ., .we're in Beverly Hills already

            and we've made every light .

DENNIS : That one on LaBrea changed three times before we           got



            through   it .

 JACK : Vt ~tiWeil, that's a wide street . . .we made good time .
           i
 DENNIS :   Tf you don't mind, I'll get off here .

 JACK : Okay .
                      (SWPID : CAR STOPS AND DOOR OPEIZ )
            V

 DENNIS :   See you later, I gotta get home .

 JACK : Wait a minute, Dennis . If you wantei to go home, why
            did you come all the way out here to Beverly Hills? You

             live in the opposite direotion .
 DENNIS : I know, but this way I get a longer ride on the bus .


 MG



                                                       8   TX01     0184636
                                                                                                              -10-

JACK : But Dennis, if Ysu --

DENNIS : Goodbye, Mr . Benny .
~Ihwa .

                                      (SQJPID : CAR STARTS AWAY AND LOOSY HORN BEEPS)

JACK :   Q-~-   I can ' t understand Dennis . . .That kid drives me nuts, . .Maybe
                I ought to hire a singer who ' s a little more sensible . .zbak
                then if he                        had more        sense, he l d want more money . That

                would drive me nuts, too ., .Eh, I ' m bettoe"""hrlll o ff the way I
                am,~,,.~
                      .Wel~l,                     there's        the music store . . .Oh        here ' s a parking
                                                                                           ~1

                opfteol-

                                      (SWND : LONG LONG                  LONG   SGREECH OF BRA KES )
JACK : GagIim lucky, herels one, too,~, wonder if I can get

                innthere. .EI'l have to back in, '(SWPID
                                                           ; MOTOR UP . . . . SCRATC}QNG OF FEPmERB AND
                                      S CRASH)
JACK : What LkeWhy don't you watch where you're going? ItIe

                reckless drivers like you who are a menace Se31ae --

NELSON : Don't holler at me, it was your fault .

JACK : ~~ fault ;

NEISON :^ 2t must have been, I vas parked .

JACK ; What?
NFJSON : You're the one who got chummy, . .I ought to have you arrested .

JACK : Oh,~ don-t make a federal case out of this .

P7EISON : Look at the way you scratched my oar .
JACK : What are you comBlaining about? You put a dent in my fender .

NEISON : How can you tell?




DH




                                                                                            ATH01 01 8 4E37
JACK : Oh, a smart aleck, eh? Well, for your information, I've

          never had an accident and I've been driving this car for
       ~ twenty-five years .
         ~
NELSON :  Bought it second-hand, eh?                             .
      9
JACK :     What?                    _

NEISON : The dealer's name is still on it . . . "Honest Geronimo ."
JACK : Well, P'm not gonna stay here and argue with you . I'7s got

          things to do .

                  (S W     : FF~ FOOTSTEPS )
JACK : Oh, oh . ., put some money in the parking meter . . . .

                  (SOOPID : FEW FOOfSTEPS)
JACK : Hm~~t
           .,h~e~4ng•meter says expired . . . . Let's see, I get

          twelve .minutes for a penny ; . .iisM1L will take me about three

          minutes to walk to the etore . . .and three minutes back . .

          That's six minutes . .,Five minutes to get waited on . . .That's

          eleven miaeEqe . . .The store may be crowded so I better allow

          for another five minutee . . .That'11 be sixteen minutes . .,y® . .

          ~611, there's no use .rushing, I'll put in two pennies .

              _(SQ7AID : CHANGE RATTLING)                _




JAC]S :_ Hnn . . .I've only got one penny ard a nickel . Gae, put

           n the penny , I'1l hardly have enou -time I'll reall y
                                                   and

          have to But the put in the nickel, I'll have

          plenty of t I'll ingabout forty minutes . . .
               ell, here goes .

               _(SCOND : COIN IN METER FAST RUNNING FOOTSTEPSY--,
(ON CUE -- TRATSITION      MUSIC)


                  (SQIND : FOOTSTEPS)


DH




                                                     FiT 9 01 01 8 463e
                                                                                        -12-


JACK : Well, I got my violin string . . .I'm sure glad it was the
           "a" string that broke . .I'm always so embarressed when I

           have to go into a store and ask for a G-string . .
           (HUN6 "LOVE IN BIA014") (SOUND

                                            : BOOT3TEPS . . .STOP)               .
JACK :   Hm . .Lookat tbsfheadline on thet newepaper . "ENTIRE EAST

          COVERED BY HEAVY BISZZARD" . . . .Gee, I feel sorry for the

           people back in New York . They have ten inches of snov,

          Here in Los Angeles all we had was some rain, sleet, bail,

           thunder, lightning, and an earthQuake . . .A11 in fifteen

          minutes, too .

                               S~kJF00T3TEP8)
JACK :    '          E- ;N --SIAOpT!),

         ~                   (SOUND :         FOOTSTEPS TWICE . .    STOP)


JACK : Sml~, look what's playing here at the Warner's Theatre . . .

          "The Eddie Cantor 5tory" . . .I hear it's a swell picture . . .

                           of Eidie Centor . . .I wonder how o1d .Eddie 1                  .
          He must be am ixty because he weeyhir y-nine two
          years ahead of ine . . .Yee ,_ - ess about sixty . .Oh, there's

          a picture of Eddie. : :took at those                           .He   always   looks
          like he   ~
                _.""c ame out of a burlesque show . . .The pLcBurg


          muat^bedoing good businesay It opened Christmss dey and

          it's still playing here . . .Bometime this week I'm gonna
          come d.otwphere aed ---

DON : (OFF) ~ry ~' JACjf . . .JACK .                                   -

JACK : Huh? Oh, Ibn .,, .what're you doing here?




                                                                       Ai 80 1 0184639
                                                                             - -
                                                                              13



 ION :6vlThe Sportsmen and I just came out of the theatre .'. .We saw

                  / "The Eddie Cantor Story" .

 JACK :            Oh . . .hello, fellows .

 QUART :             HMhPi .

JACKHow did you like the picture, Ibo?
 IDN : I4,wea-Reelly wonderful, Jeck~ .Ib fact, I liked it so

                     much that on the way out of the theatre, 11 stopped and

                     congratulated Cantor .

JACK :               Eddie Cantor?   Is he in there watching   the   picture now?

DON : He's been there since Christmas .

JACK : W~~1, what do you know .
DJN ~~ ~/J~VO'k-, I'm certainly glad I went in to see the picture,

                     because it gave me an idea for a musical number the

                     Quartet can do on the program .

JACK : Which one, Don?

DON~~R S~t, fellows .
JACK :4 Wait a minute, Don . . .How can they sing-yF here in front

            ~G'llprzof the theatre without any musical accompaniment?
                                               ~ ~
IDN : ~Ibn't worry about that, Jack~ Thnt number comes on in

                     the picture in exactly four seconds .

JACK :What?IX7N

           :      One . .two . . .
JACK : Don-~-,~n pµ~q1 ~i ACutr .

IX7N : Thr6e ~ .four . . .There it goes .




                                                               Rrxo     1   oiaasaa
                                                                                                              -14-
a
       QUART : IF YOU KNEW SUSIE IJ1CE I KNOW SUSIE )ee~ .~
                     OH, OH, OH WHAT A GIRL

                     THERE'S                 NONE 30 CLASSY
                     AS THIS F IR LA5SIE

                     OH, OH, , WHAT A CHASSIS
                     WE WENT RIDING, SHE DIIYV'T BAIK

                     BACK FROM YONKERS                                     .


                     I'M THE ONE THAT HAD TO WAIK IF YOU KMs'W SUSIE LIICE I KNOW SUSIE

                     OH, OH, OR WHAT A GIRL .                                                             .
                     IF YOU KNEW UJCKffiLIISE WE KNOW IUCKIES
    ; OH, OH, OE, WHAT A SM9KE                                                            .


       . LIKE OUR FRIEND EDDIE YOU'LL SM)KE 'Eh] STEADY

                     OH, OH, PASS TIIDSE LUCKIE) WE ARE READY

                     THEY TASTE B,ETTER, RE4LLY THEY DO                                       .

                     FAL9H AND SNWOTHER

                     LUCKIFS ARE THE S MOKE EGR YOU
                     Tf EY EVE[i               PLEASE   SOSIE

                     AND    SHE'S REAL               CI%10SY

                     OH, OH WHAT A SNL)KE.
                     TI EY'RE MADE MUCH BEITPR, TEAR AND COMPARE
                     SO MUCH                 CLEANER,


                     NOTHING                 BRATS   'EM ANYHf WE
                     JUST PUFF THAT L1R:KY

                     ENJOY      YOURLCK~HO
                               . * WHAT A SMOKE .

-t, (APPIAUSE)




                                                                                                  A   T}i 0 1 01     9   464 i
     (TNLRD   ROUTINE)                                                                       -15-

                  (SOUND :FOTSEP)JACK

       : -,."iad I got away from Don and t[%quartet . . .'4 waa
              ewberxaesing . .Loagine them singing out on the street like

               that . . .I didn't mind them doing Eddie Cantor's song, but Don

               looked so silly hopping around and clapping his hands . . .

                  (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)
                                                                                 y
 JACK : Well, here's my car . . .I might as veit---Ney, wkat's that

               on thb---Oh, for heavens sakes, a parlQng ticket . . .This is

              ridiculous . . .I haven't been g~ ver twelve minutes . . . The

              meter says expired, but there mvat be something ,mong with

              it . . .Well, they're not gonna get away with it . . .I'm going

              to oall the Beverly Eiills Police Department and find out

              about this . . .I'll go in this drug store .

                  (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . . .I700N OPENS)                                          .
JACK : There's the phone booth .                                       .
                 (SOUND : BOOTH DOOA OPENS)
JACK : I wonder what the nvaber is . . .I'll call information .

                 (soUND : ONE               COIN   IN PHONE . . .DIALIN6 113 . . .BUZZ . . .CISOK)
JENNY :       Information,


JACK : Say, Miss, I want the number of the Police Department
                                                             .
JENNY : The Los Angeles Police Department is Michigan 5211
                                                           .
JACK : No no, Miss, I want the Beverly Nills Police Repartment .

JENNY : I'm sorry, that's an unlisted nunber .                                       -
JACK : F6mo . . .Well, thank you, anyway .

                 (SODUNI)) :            RECEIVER   DOWN . . .COIN RETURNS) -
JACK : Well, if I can't get them on the phone, I'll go over there
                                                                  .
              (TRANSITION MUSIC)
              (SOUNp : FOOTSTEPS)

RU




                                                                            RT 90 1 0184642
                                                                  -16-
, JACK : Well, here it is . . .The Beverly Hille Police Station . . .What

. - a swanky place . . .Gee, marble staircase stained glass

                       windows . . .wd 1pok vhat it says on~l9st door . . .'$ooking

                        Deparhsent . . .Fingerprints by Appointment Only" . . .41,~

                        104;ARM                     1!-        'm-War~" . . . Well,

                       here's the Traffic Bureau .

  .        (SOUNQ : IZOOR OPENS AND OFFICE NOISES IN B . G . )
      JACK : Miss, I'd like to--

      SHIRLEY : Sit down, please .

      JACK : Thank you .Mis,I'dlketo-SHRLEY
                    : You want to complain about a traffic ticket .

                       How did you know?

       HIRLEY :`Tbat,~tear in your eye                    6

           CK :

      SHIRLEY : alvays get the emotio s . . .Nov before ve go any
                       farther, let me get your record out . What's your name?

      JACK : Jack Benny .                       ~
      SHIRLEY : Benny . . .Benny . . .here it is . . . .Jack Benny . . .Say, we haven't

                       gotten anything out of you £or a long time . . . . Hm, the last

                       entry was twenty five years ago .
      JACK : Twenty five years ago?
      SHIRLEY : Yes, you were charged with                    Assault and   Battery an Honest
                       Geronimo .
      JACK : All right, all                     right .


      SYRRLEY : Nov let's see . . .I'll bring this                 card   up to date .
      JACK :           A&1~                   X~~


      SIIIRLEY : . . . . .at that time you lived at 366 N .               Camden Drive .




      RU




                                                                              RT}(01       0184643
                                                                                        -17-

JACK : It-s still the same address .
                                                                .
SHIRLEY : I see . . .And your occupstion was listed as comedian

JACK : It's still the aame .

SHIRLEY : Uh huh . . .and your weight was 160 pounds .

JACK : It-s still4the aame .

SfQRLEY :Andyouragews-JACK
               : Still the same .

SHIRLEY :                      Hm . .now let's see . . .color of eyes . . .oh yes, they're still

                                blue . . .aren't they?

JACK : Well, frankly, I've never noticed . . . . Now look, Miss----

                                       (SOUIm : PNONE RINGS)
SHIRLEY :                     One   moment,   please .


                                       (SOUNR : RECENF~Jt 9P)
SHIRLEY : Ael1o . . . . Yes, Chief ./`~`'That man was in and he paid his fine .
          d
          /~O . .That ' s right . . .fifty dollars . . . and he said it would

                             !~ never happen agaln . . .Goodbye .

            .                (SOUND, : RECEIVER DOWN)
JACK : A fifty dollar fine? What was it for?

SHIRLEY :                       . . . .driving through Beverly   Hills   with the top down .
JACK : What's so terrible about going through Beverly                                 Hills with


                                the top down?
SHIRLEY : He was driving a garbage truck .

JACK :                              ~ . . .Now, Miss, about this ticket of mine .      .the on

                                reason T's'-c«'~=_1^`g is that if decent, law~abYding

                                citizens like myself are taken astaant@ge of by the Beverly

                                Hi11a DO;Lc®,-itra-gonna giveoic camnunity a 3Ya eye
                                                                                         .i
                                Now I Fsppen to know that the meter where I was pa .rked was

                                definitely fast and I don't think it's fair to--

RU



                                                                             8   TX 0 1 0184644
               ~i                           -18-

 9H.iRLEYI~T Look, Mister, I can't settle this . If you want to see

           the judge, that's up to you .
        v
 JACK : Well, I do .
                                                        AO/-
 SHIRLEYA/1 Then youIll have to wait in iist next room with everybody
               else .
 JACK :        All      right .

                        n(SOUnIlD :   FEW FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR   OPENS . . .LOtID MWSBT E

                         OF VCICES)
JACK :         Gee, what a bunch of characters . . .I better eit down and--
                                                               .Y.. ~
               Hey, there's Remley . . .OR, FRANKIE . .FRANiW---~, lfhat,s
               the matter with me . . .that's only-hie picture on the wall . .

                                                     te7 .7-*.'^.em. .ha + = e . .«
                                                            .
               M~ . .Well, I night as vell sit down . . .kY^, pardon me,

               sir, would you mind 1Y I sit next to you?

MEL :           (MCOLEY) Not at all . In fact, I'd appreciate it .
JACK :         Appreciate it? Why?
MEL :          I -m a     pickpocket .


JACK :         A pickpocket!
MEL :     ~h   You got nuttin to worry about . .You're the pin-it-to-your

               underwear type if I ever saw one .
JACK :         Hvnn .
MEL :          Tell me, chun, what did they nab you for?
JACK :         Over parking .
MEL :          Oh . Well, you ' ll like Judge          Bailey .     I was up before
               hin last month for sentencing .
JACK :         What did you get?
MEL :          Thirty days, his watch, his gavel, and a pocket edition
               of the Kinsey Report .
RU




                                                                     RTX 0 1 01 8 46 4 5
                                                                                   -19-
   JACK : You mean you spent thirty days in the Beverly Hills jail?

  MEL : ~~6s Oh, yeah . . .they had me in solita y .
   JACK :~°/That must have been pretty r
  MEL : You said it . .nuthin                  '   but bread and champsgne .

  JACK ;       Champa gne?

  MEL : IZomestic .                                                                       .
  JACK : Oh, that's awful .

       ,    (SOUNR : DOOR OP&NS)                                                                        .
  SHIIiLEY : (OFF) Mr . Jack Benny . .Mr . Jack Benny .

  JACK : Yes, Miss .

  SHIRLEY : You're next . Right this way to Judge Bailey's chambers .

  JACK : Okay .                         '

  MEL : Good luck

           : Thanks .     .JACK                             .
  MEL : He keeps his wallet in the leSto~ --'

  JACK : I_ don-t care

                                  ::(SOUND FEW FOOTSTEPS . . .I}GOR OPENS)
                                                                                    ,-W       "
  JACK : Your Honor, I ordinarily don't make                        trouble,    but p~e'~ ~~ ~
  NELSON :     'Jw1•T•T•ULL,                           IT,      S   YOUAGAINI                 '   --'
  JACK : You . .you're the judge?

  NELSON : Who do you think I am in this black robe, Mandrake the

              Magician?
  JACK : What?

  NELSON : Wden you said, "Don't make a Federal case out of it", you

              were talking to the man who could .
  JACK : But your honor,              A~- ,-




` RU




                                                                             pTYi 0 1     0184646
                                                                          -20-

NELSON : QUIET . I'm ready to pass sentence .

                  (SODN17 : RAP OF GAVEL)
NII.SON : That'11 be flfty-two dollars

                                   .JACK
    : Fifty-teo Hollars? Wait a minute, it's only two dollars
            for a parking .ticket . What's the extra fifty dollars?

NEISON : You had your top down .

JACK : What's that agot to do with it?
NELSON : You mean that thing isn't a garbage truck?

JACK : Garbage truck! Now wait a minute, your honor --

(MUSIC : STARTS)
JACK :     I I M A CITIZEN OF   EEVEM       HILL4 . .I'VE LIVED   HERE   FOR

            TNENTY-FIVE YEARS . .I'M A TAXPAYEg . .AND I KNOW MY RIGHTS . .

            I'M NOT GONNA PAY ANY FIFTY-TWO DOLIARS AND IF YOU TRY TO

            FINE ME THAT MUCH, I'M GONNA TAKC IT UP WITH            --


(APPLAUSE   AND   PLAYOFF   UP FULL)


PACIFIC COAST                           .
JACK : I will be back in just a minute to tell you about my

            television show that goes on tonight at aeven p .m . over
            the CS.S network with my guest star, Liberace, but first,

           a word from the sweetheart of Lucky Strike . ., .


NATIONAL
JACK : I will be back in a minute to tell you e out my television

           show which goes on imtaediately after thke program on the CBS
           network with my guest star, Liberace, but first, a word from
           the sweetheart af Lucky Strike . . .




                                                             Arx    01     01    e   464P
TRE JACK BENNY PROGRAM                                              -A-

AMERICAN TOBACCO CO .
JANUARY 17, 1954 (Transcribed Jan . 13, 1954)
CLCBING COtM7ERCIAL '


COLLINS : This is Dorothy Collins . Hi everybody . Y'know, smoking
(E,T
     .) enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And friends, the

            fact of the matter is Luckies tastebetter : one

            important reason for this is L4/MF1' . Lucky Strike means

            fine tobacco - fine, naturally mild, good-tasting

            tobacco . And second, Luokies are made better . They're

            made round, and firm and fully packed to draw freely

            aia9 smoke evenly : Golly, that's the whole thing in a

            nut shell . Truly fine tobacco - in a better-made

            cigarette . That-s the whole Lucky Strike story . That's

            why you can be sure . . . sure every time you open a pack

            of Iazokies . . . that you'll enjoy a better-tasting smoke .

            For smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the

            fact of the matter is Iuokies taste better - they-re

 , cleaner, fresher, smootherD Pick up a pack or two next
            time you buy cigarettes . Be happy -- go L .icky . You'll
            agree -- Luckles taste better :

CG:i .IN3 : Luckies taste better
CHCRUS : Cleaner fresher smoother

COLLINS :   Luckies taste better

CHORUS :    Cleaner fresher smoother

  . For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco
            Richer tasting fine tobacco
 CDLLINS : Luckies taste better

CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother

            Lucky Strike Lucky Strike

MG




                                                     RrH 10    01   e   464   e
                                                                   _21_

     (TAG)

     JACK : Ladies and gentlemen~I tonight I am going to have Liberace

              on my television show . And we're gonna try to get him to

              play the piano . . .And he's gonna try to get me to play the

               violin . . .This is going to be one of the most trvina

              programs you've ever watched . . .But watch it, anyway . ,
                                                          3
              Goodnight, foLks
                                 .(APIDSE)


     LT7N : The Jack Benny Program tonight was written by Milt
              Josefsberg, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon ar.!

              produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .

              The Jack Benny Program has been brought to you by

              Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company,
              America's Leading Manufacturers of Cigarettes .




14




                                                      Rrxot      018464      9
                                                        PRac RaM   #20
                                                        RE)ISID SCRIPT




                       AMFRICAN   TOBACCO   COMPANY

                              LUCKY STRIlSE
                        THE JACK BFT]NY     PROGRAM




SUNDAY,   JANUARY 24, 1954          CBS     .         4 :00 - 4 :30 FM PST

                       (TRANSCRIBPD JAN . 14, 1954)




DH




                                                       Rrxo•i 0      1846   50
                                                                                             -A-
  THF.JACK BETINY PROGRAM
  AMFRICAN TOBACCO CO .
  JANUARY 24, 1954 (Transcribed Jan . 14, 1954)


  WILSON : The Jack Benny program .,, transcribed and presented by

                                Lucky Strike :                                     .
  0   OLLINS :                  Luckles      taste better
  CI ORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother
  COLLINS : Luckies taste better                                              .    . +i
  CIORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother

                                For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco
                                Richer tasting fine tobacco
  COLLINS :LucklestabrCHORUS

                       : Cleaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Lucky Strike


                                                        .-WILSON
                       : This is Don Wilson, friends . Let's take a good close look

                                at the subject of vhy you smoke cigarettes . Think it over

                                a minute and you'll agree that the main reason and probably

                                the only reason you smoke is simply that you enjoy it --

                                you like the taste of a cigarette . Sure -- smoking

                                enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the

                                matter is Luckies taste better . Luckies taste better --

                                cleaner, fresher, smoother for tvo very important reasons .

                                One is, IS/MFp . . . Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . The

                                tobacco in Luckies is fine, naturally mild, good-tasting .

                                Another reason for this better taste is that Luckies are

                                actually made better -- made round and fixm and fully

                                packed to drav freely and amoke evenly .

                                                                                  (MORE)

~ DH




                                                                                  AT}S 0 1    0    184651
                                                                         -   B-
~~- THE JACK BPNNY PROGRAM JANUARY 24, 1954 (Trans
                                . Jan . 14, 1954)
       OPENING COhIDiPRCIAL CONT'D .            .


       '.dIL80N : Fine tobacco in a better made cigarette gives you better

         (CONT'D) taste-every single time .8o if you go along raith me that

                             smoking enjoyment is all a matter uf taste, then be happy -
                            -- go Lucky . . . because the fact of the matter is Luckles

                            taste better . Get a carton of Lucky Strike and see for
                            yourself .

      3PORTSMPH Be happy -- go Lucky
      dUARTPP :
      Long Close) Get better taste today .




      DH




                                                                     RT}S 01      0   784652
                                                                            -1-
(FIRST ROUTINE)

(AFPPR COBIIdFRCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)             .
DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROCdtAM, STARRING JACK BFS]NY . . .WITH MARY

                 LIVINGSTONE, ROCHE37.'FR, DFNNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, THE

                 SPORTSMPdV QUARTEP, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON .
(APPLAUSE . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)
DON : LADIEB AND GIIiTLBMFN . . . . MANY TItN!9 IN THE PAST I'VE OPENID

                 THIS PROCdtAM BY TAKING YOU 0U1 TO JACK BFNNY'S HOUSE IN
                 BfiVIItLY HIIdB . . .BUT TONIGHT, JUST FOR A CHANGE, LEP'S ALL

                 GO OUT TO MH . AND MRS . BOB CROSBY'8 fIIUSE, ON THE FGE OF

                 BEVPRLY HILT.S . . .
BOB : (BINGS F8W BARS) Many times . . .many times, I have wanted

                 your kiss . . .
                       (SOUND :         DOOR            OPENS)                    ,
BOB : Many times, many times ---
SHIRLEY ; Oh, Bob, Bob

BOB :            Yes, June?                     .

SHIRLEY : You've been in the den here for an hour            . . . .   what are you

        /        doing?


EOB :In         4Rehearsing some songs dear . . .I'm thinking of making another
            '

                 personal appearance .
SHZALPY : Personal appearsnce . . .where?                -
BOB : Las Vegas .

SHIRLEY : Oh Bob, I wish you wouldn't . . .You remember what happened

                 last time we were up there . . .you gambled every night and
                 lost quite heavily .




DH




                                                             RiH01 0184653
    BOB : I knov

                      .SHIRLhY
              :Well, don't do it again, I miss the baby .                                    . . . But really,

                Bob, I'm     serious .                    I vish you vouldn't play another

                personal appearance .
    BOB :-//Why not, dear?

    SHIRLEY : Well, you're ao busy . . .you're on Mr . Benny's shov every

                veek . . .7,ou play benefits . . .you make records, and you have

                your ovn T .V . shov five days a veek . . .You're never home any

          ~~ more .

    BOB :~'h June, you're exaggerating .

                        (SOUND :                     DO OR OPINS)
    HARRY : Oh, Mother . . .

              : Yes, dear?         .Mother?SHIiLFY

    HARRY :     Can I   go   to the park and play ball?
    SHIRLEY :   Certainly

            : Okay, I'11 .HARY be back                    In   time for dinner .   . . .   Say, Mom?
    SHIRLEY :   Yes, dear?
    HARRY : Who's this guy, the plumber?

    SHIRLEY ://. . . . . . He's your father .                                                                    .

    BOB :~~Certainly, I'm your father, don't you recognize me, Chris?

    HARRY : / I'm Steve .

    BOB :     Oh .

    SHIRLEY : You run along, Steve . . .and be home In time for dinner .

    HARRY : I v111, goodbye, Mother . . .goodbye . .DSd?

    BOB : Goodbye, goodbye .

                        (SOUPQ) : DOOR CIASFS)




v
    DH




                                                                                           arx   01    0184654
    BOB :          Gosh, he's grown . .I could have ' sxorn he
                                  4,                                                 was   Chris .' .B~
      ~ ~way, nune,              where      s   G   nrie 't

    SHII2LPS : Oh, 1te L s,p1aying with the                   trains                     /
                                                                         your brother-BSng gave him
                   for Christmas .
                                         ~
    BOB :       Oh . . .Well, tell him_I-wanL'8e -pe e him when he                         gets   home
                   from the,Unian~Station .

    SHIRLFY-:-i w111 .

    BOB : ~       You know, I can't understand BSng . . . . Me he ives oec tie . . .

                   gy kid he gives the Superchief, you know, June , I've
                                                               . .Jfl..wh ~n
                   been th1 ik nn g a6o5t w you aald ~ . . 9e going to forget

         , about personal appearances, and spend more time at home .

    SHIRLEY : Oh, I wlsh you would .
    BOB : I w111, and not only that . . . .I think rwe'11 have a dinner                                   .

                   party here at home like we used to .

    SHIRLSY : Oh, that would be wonderful . . . . How. about next Saturday


            ,,/~~~ night7 BOBY^P"~ Fine . . . . xei}1 invlte aa®e o£ the boys in my band and their

                   wlves . . . . And you know what, June . . .I think ve ought to

                   invite Jack Benny, too .
    SHIRLEY : You do?                                                                        .
    BOB :          Certainly .                                                                    _




    SHIRLEY :, But he's such an important man, and he'a so bus .7 6you can't

                   ca11 and invite him to dinner on such short notice .
    BOB :          Well,    I'm going to try, anyway .                           .

                           (SOUND :   COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . . .RIDEPlER UP . . .DIAId .IHG
                                      SIX NCMBPRS .           . . .   BUZZIBG   SOUND)




I   DH




                                                                                     Rrx 01 0 184655
    SHIALE'Y :       Bob, I think you're making a big mistake .
~
             77              ~(S0   : BUZZ OF PHONE)
    BOB :/~V         Don't'vorry, June -- I've got an idea . . .

                             (SOUND : B(TLZ)
    BOB : :~,~+~h/   We'll     change the date of our dinner to fit Jack's
                  ~ convenience . .

                             (SOwHD : BUZZ . . .CLICK OF PFIDNE)
    JACK :           Hello .


    BOB : Hello, Jack, this is Bob Crosby .

    JACK : Oh, hello, Bob
                           .BO
         : Say,Jack . . .June an I vould like to invite you to our

                     house for dinner~ . .vhen vLoGluld it .be possible for you to

                     come?
    JACK : Oh, seven o'clock, seven-fifteen, seven-thirty . . . .In fact,

           -~ - I can be over right nov .
    BOB :         Well . . .ve veren't thinking of tonight . . .ve vere thinking
                     of some night this veek . . .vhich vould be the most

                     convenient?
    JACK : !/ Oh, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday --
    BOB : 'Y ~// You skipped Thursday .
           .

    JACK : ~-JI baby sit that night .                                 .

    BOB :         Oh .

    JACK : I used to do it for you, but you lost your kid in
                     Las Vegas .
    BOB : I know, I knov 4l,/-Jack, how about coming over for dinner

                     Saturday night?




    DH




                                                                   flTH 0 1 0 19 4656
 .      ~        ~/°'~~                                ~     ,     '       -5-~
JACK :~sq Fine, Bob' . . .and airter .dinner tie can have some fun .                           . .play
           gin   . . . .   or                 Scrabble,                                     -
BOB : ~ No thanka ; ack .                 . . .   IPll never play Scrabble    with         you again
           after last Sunday's game .,,you're too                    tricky       for me . . .I
                      ~
           don't knov how you do it .
JACK : Do vhat?

BOB : Well, there are only tvo Y's in the game and yet you made

           the word "Money" eleven times,

JACK : Well, all right, ve'11 play something e1se . . . . So long,
        - see you Saturday .

BOB : So long, Jack

     : Goodbye, Bob . .JACK

                    (SOUND :       Rk1:E1VFIi DOWN)                                             .
JACK : Gee, it vas nice of Bob to invite me over to his house for

           dinner      . . . .   He's alvays doing things         like   that .   . . .   having
           people over for               dinner . . . taking   them out to night            clubs . .


           having parties . . .he's so generous . . .he ought to see a

           psychiatrSst .           . . . .   Well, vhen Rochester comes home from

           shopping, I better tell him I von't be home for dinner
           Saturday night . . . .Gee, he's been at that market a long

           time                                            ,

                    (SOUND : DOOR BOZZFR)
JACK : COMING . . .COMING .

                    (SOUND :         FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPINS)




DH




                                                                     RTH09 01 84 657
                                                                                 -6-
Y
    JACK :      Oh,    hello, Dennis .                                -

    DENNIS :    Hello, Mr . Senny .
    JACK : Come on in
             : Thanks .         .DENIS

                        (SOUND :            DOCR CIASFS)
    JACK : I wasn't expecting you todayA . .anything wrong?

    DENNIS :    No,    I just            wanted to ask you,a favor . . .cou Nd you lend me

                ten dollars?
                             .9-
    JACK : Ten dollars? Yesn I guess so . . . .what do you vant it for?

    DIIVNIS : . I want to get myself tattooed .

    JACK : Tattooed? Why?

    DPNNIS : . Well, I was in the Navy during the war and yet nobody will
                believe I was a sailor .

    JACK :     Oh . . . .Well, what are you going to have tattooed on you?

    DFSINIS : My uniform
                                         . ah~r
    JACK :      Well, that's the sil l' I --- Look, kid, if you want
                           ~
                something tattooed on you to show that you were in the

                Navy, why don't you have a life preserver --- or an

                anchor . . .or wait a minute, hov about the              Battleship


                Missouri .


    DENNIS : No, my mother has that .
                               ~
    JACK : Your mother has -QW battleship                      Xtsss~4   tattooed on her?

    DENNIS : When she wears a corset, it looks like it's sinking .

    JACK :      4&~., .   Wait a minute, kid, I've got a good idea . . .why
                don't you do what I did when I was in the Navy . . .have
                 the   American            flag put on your   am .




    DH




                                                                      ATXO1      0184658
                                                                                                                -7-
DIIPNIS : Gee, I didn't know you had the American flag on you .

 JACK : Yea/ I had it done the first day I joined the Navy . . .
                 Wait, I'll roll up my sleeve and show it to you . . . .See?
DENNIS : Gee, only thirteen stars .                                                            .

JACK : Yes, Dennis, only thirteen                                                 stars . . .but   not for the reason
                 you                              think .   . . .   I made the man etop because he vas hurting me .
DENNIS :         Thenvydi puthemnacirl?JACK

       : Dennis, I don't vant to get into any more discussions
                 vith you                              . . . .   Nov I'll make you a proposition .

DENNIS :        What?                                                                              .

JACK

       : If I lend you the ten dollars, vill you let me hear the song you're going to do on next Sunday's program and leave

                           immediately?


DENNIS :         Yes sir .

JACK : Oka re s the te do lara .
DII NIS :
                           -74
                                                  ~ ;~~,u ~~~                . .~.,~~~
                                                                                     ~                                        ?
  N
                                                         -~,ls. ; E "
JACK :           w                            -   ,h ; °    I~    ~ t si ¢

.(APPIAUSE)

 (DECHZIS'S SONG -- POUR THE WINE)
 (APPI1tUSE)




DH




                                                                                                       Ar}f 0 1 09e4 6 59
                                                                                                                -8-



(SECOND ROUTIr]E) ,                                                                                                   .
(SECOND
                                     ,X~,-               4~   a ~~                           Y~   ,   .....   21,   ZL~-



JACK : ` I~ Dennis, A thaL =merrg should sound e11 on the program . :. .
              now            go get yourself tatto ed .

DENNIS :      Oksy . .6~; Mr . Benn n you knov what I think                                                   I'll do? . . .


              I'll have them tattoo a-- Dennis, 3@l
JACK :                                            &V   , you promised        me if       I lent you the ten

              dollars, you wouldn't say anything . You'd iust go .
DEIJNIS :     Yes sir .

JACK : Okay then, go .                                                                   .

 ~NN2S : A11 r1 t . . .Goodbye .                                                                                          .
 ~~.'           .
                    (SOUND : DOOR OPENS pND CIASFS)

JACKt'        That              Dennis                 gets   vema   a   nd we~ree every dey . . .I don't                     know
         17
              how           I've stood him all these yesre . . .But it's my own
              fault . .I should have                             known       When I first             saw     him there was

              something wrong                             with   him .    . . .   Whet other man wears a size
                                                -914,72       A~l
              three het .' .Sometlmes I                                  think      --
ROCH : (OFF) MR . BENNY, I'M BACK FROM THE MARl4s`1' .
JACK : Good .

ROCH : I'M IN TRE KCTCHEN PqTTING THE THINGS AWAY .
JACK : I'11 oome in and help you .

                                                  (SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPETIB)
JACK :r/iN What took you so long, RochestexR "

ROCH : O/ W9~ I HAD A IpP OF THINOS TO DC . . .YOU KNOW, I TOOK ALL

              91m9dR HAMBURGER OUT OF THg FRIIs'~.ER AND SOLD IT AND
              BOUGHT TFffRTY-SIR QUARTS OF MIIR .
JACK :        Why           did you do                   that?                .

HOCH : BEEF WENT UP, MIIK WENT DOWN . I'M PLAYING THg MARItEP .




                                                                                              fl7X01 01 8 466 0
                                                                                  -9-

ROCH : '~,RMLBER IN 1929 WHID4 WE GOT STUCK WITH ALL THAT CRILI_
            CO I BOUGHT ON MARGIN?

JACK : Yeah, we ate tha ti11 we were both speaking

             Sps        . . .Here, I'll help you p~ the- .gro_caries eway .

ROCH~SI SPT70R

JACK : Say, Rochester . . .what's this?
ROCH : A HFAD~;OF LEfTUCB .

JACK : How can this be lettuce, it's pure white .

ROCH : THE FAD IS OVER, THF.Y'RE TAKING CHLOROPHYLL OUT OF

         . EREHY'PHING .

JACK :     Oh .

ROCH : BUT I GOT YOU SOME ANTI-ET~ZYME CARROTS .

JA K : Good, I like to be up with the times . . .Now thea
             into the vegetable bin .

               \ (SOUND: DRAWER OPFSS . .STUFF $EING PUT IN . . .


JACK : There,           that   do.\ it .

ROCH : BY THE WAY, MR . BFNNY .,,r'GOT A JAR OF THAT NBW IN3TANT
          COFFEE . . .I THOUGHT W]f OUGh'P TO TRY IT OUT .
                               i
JACK : Instant cofreey~                    ~
ROCH :      YEAH,      AIS, U HAVE TO DO IS ADD       H   OT WATER .
JACK :     Why     d     you get that?

HOCH : SOSS, THINK 0F THE TIME IT'LL SAVE L8 WHQi`THE GRSfII)UND

            BUS    STOPS   HERE .
 ACK : Yeah, I           guess   so .                             ~

ROCH : BY THE W.~Y, MR .            BENNY,   ARE YOU GOING OUT     TONIGHT?


JACK : No, I think             I'll   stay bome and practice my violin . . . .




                                                                aru    01   0 e
                                                                              1    4661
                                                 . . C°'"" ru>K~ .
                             .ce~n, ? Ofi~ O ~`°
          OCf l . ' zn,,n v~
              ---
        Prr1Tr-       BU   r-:
                  ~ .~ AT . . .AT . . .

        JACK : At-phere?

        ROCH : ANYWHERE< JUST G0 .

        JACK : Now wait a ut .~-Rochester, what's wrong with the way
                      I play my-violin':

        ROCH : WfAT We8 THAT?
        JAC/ I said, what's wrong with th\I .,p\1ay my violin?

                                                  .L1~AT AND YOU
~ROCH : BOSS, YOU KEEP THROWING ME QUF~TIONS LLKE '

//       WON'T                 NEBD             ANY.       WRITERS               ~

        JACK : A11 right, all right . . .I 11 wait till you get out o

                       house . .Meanwhile I'm going in the den and read for awhile .

        ROCH :    OKAY .

                                          (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS   AND   CIASES)

        JACK : Gee, I             haven't      reed a book in a long time . . .Let's see

                       what's      here

                       "Ipok Who's Abroad Now' -y Earl Wils~ .3-reed-6be~.~6h,
                                                                               "Vaudeville" by

                       Joe Laurie, Jr .V.The Sea Around Us" . ."Bettle Cr-"y . .=:j

                       "Luck e Better" by Arthur Godfrey . 's a~c~opy
                       of "The Theory of Rela y Albert Einatein . . .0h ! I

                       read t         . . . remember it has four end ninety-\eix

                       pages . . .Those       numbers   were the only thing I unde

                      8eg, were'sKoaw~~I haven't read . ."One Hundred Famous Poems"

                       . .Gee, I haven't read poetry in a long time . .I think I'll
                       read this .

                                          (SOUND : BOOK TAKIN FR1M SHELF . .COUPLE
                                                   FOOTSTLTS . . .MpN SITTING IN CHAIR)
I   r




                                                                         RTtl01 0184662
     JACK : -var. . . .LCt's see . . . . . Gee, they have some wonderful poeme

                  in this book . . .Me Charge of the Light Brigade" . . . .

                  "Hiawatha" . . ."The Wreck of the Hesperus" . . ."Gun99 Din" . .

                  "There Was An Old Lady From -" voops, somebody

                  pencilled that in . . .Oh, here'e one of my favorite poems,

                  e,go I haven't read it in years . . ."The Shooting of Dan

                  McGrew" . . .PZthink I'll read tbat . . ."The Shooting of Den

                  McGrew" by Robert W . Service .

     (MJSIC)
     JACK : (FILTER) (WFSTERN)
                               A BUNCH OF     THE   BOYS   WERE   WHOOPING IT UP

                               IN   THE   MAIAMUTE   SALOON


                               THE KID THAT HANDIFS THE MUSIC BOX

                               WAS HITTING A JAG TIME TUNB .

     (TINNY PIANO PIAYS SAIAON SONG FqR FEW BAR9 AND FADPS OUf)
     JACK : (REG . MIKE) (WESTERN) Hey Bartender . . .Bartender . . . .
                               (SOUND : SLHPPING ON BAR)

     JACK :       BARTENDER!


     MEL :     Yeah .

     JACK : Ah want a drink of whiskey .

     MEL :     Okay . . .how much whiskey do you want?

     JACK : About three fingers .

     MEL : Here you are .
                               (SOUND : POURING)

     JACK : Ahh, gimme another drink .

     MET. : ~~ How much this time4
     JACK : 6A About four fingers .
             /
     MEL : Okay .
'T
                               (SOUND: LITTLE        LONGER   POURING)




                                                                      RT 9 01 0184663
                                                                      -12-


MEL : There you are . .four fingers of whiskey .

JACK : Aahhhh .
MEL : You know, Mister, you're the first man I ever saw drink
          out of a glove .

JACK : I always do . I'm the only man in Alaska that'o got a

          hangnail with a hangover . . .Doggone . . .I've been trapped

          in tMs saloon for eight days by that darned blizzard . . . .

          How much longer do you think it will last?

MEL : I don't know

    :     Well,   I'm gonna take a Look outside and see
                        .JACK                                bow   the .

          weather is .

           .   (SOUND : ffiGHT HEAVY FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPEZJS AND

                                 WE HFAR THE DANIIW)BST STORM WITH

                                 WINCB }DWLING LIIO; CRAZY . . .ON CUE,

                                 THE DOOR CIASffi AND 90UND OUT . . .EIGHT

                                 HEAVY FUOTSTEPS RACK)

NiEL : How is it      outside?


JACK : Cloudy••Look, Bartender, being stuck in a place like this

          for eight days can drive a guy nuts . . .It~ 6got to have a

          little excitement . . .21.9 .ee11 you what . .I'11 bet you five

          dollars I can shoot those three glasses off the top shelf

          in three shots .

MEL : Five dollars says you can't .

JACK : It's a bet . . .Stand back, everybody .
                      (SOUND : SHOT . . .GIASS CRASH)

JACK : There's one .

                      (SOUND : SHOT . .OLASS   CRASH)




                                                        RT 8 01    0104664
                                                                                 _13_

~.   JACK : There's two .
                               (SOUAD : SHOT)

       MEL : (PAiSE) You lost .

       JACK : No, I dldn't .
       MEL : I've got twenty dollars more that says you did .
       JACK : It's a bet .
                               (SOUND :         GLASS     CRASH)            w

       JACK : That slow bullet has made me a fortune . . .Anybody else

                   want to bet?

       (BAGBY STARTS SaME SONG ON IAUSY PIANO)

       JACK : Hey, you at the piano .                                  .

 , (BAGBY STOPS)
                                        r~e. ?
       JACK : Don't you know any other sea9o.s~ "• ~ ._

       MEL :       Nab,he's iggerant . . .But those 4'aYt' 1'ytr~%""t"rappers . in the,
                           e ,Le- rk 4 .•;
                   c ner . .       ~~_^         ~'a "'~ .. r /iww -4 {,,, i ~
                                                     '^••                 ~

       JACK :    We ll,   let's   h 6ar     ome .
                                          li'              _

     \MEL : I don't think you'll understand them . . .They're French
                                                                                  1-1
                   Canadians and speak very little Eaglish .

       JACK : What's their names?

       MEL : -Pierre, Alphonse, Gaston and Remley- : ~
       JACK : Frankie Remley? What's helloing pp here?

       MEL : He came up~here to hust . ~

       JACK : What's he hu6ty4ng?
       MEL : Them dogvvith the,brandy around their necks .

       JACK : What? ~

       MEL : . .- - They don't always find you,'yo\ w . .

      ~ JACK : Well, let's hear them sing a song .~

       MEL :    Okay . . .teke it fellows .




                                                                   pr      801   0184665
                                                                                           -14-

    (INTRO)
    QUART :   ALOCETPE GENTIB ALOUETTA

              ALCUETTE JET'Y PIAMESAIS

              ALOUET7E LIGHT A CIOARETTA

              LUCKY sTRINE

              JE SAIS TRES BON JO'LS

                               .
              JET'Y PLUMEtAIS L0 'iET

              LIGHT A UJCKY AIAUE'lTE

              JET'Y PLIIMERAIS LA TET
              LIGHT A LUCKY AIAIIEITE

              ALOUETfE   ALCUETTE               CIGARETl'E CIGARE'M' E AH

              ALCUETTE   FiJP'F   HER           CIGARETTA           .
              MADE OF FINE TOBACCO OOH LA LA

              ALOUETTE GENTfE ALWETTA

              WROTE A LSTI'ER TO HER I&'.AR PAPA

              HERE IS WHAT 7E IETTER SAY

              "SEND MORE IDCISIES RIGHT AWAY"

              SONAMAGIIN THE ESKCMO

              ZAY SMOKE LUCRIES                 TOO,    YOU IINOW

              ESKIMO, ESKIMO,                 SMOKE    YOU KNOW,        SMORE YOU ffiVOW

              ALCUETTE   ALO OTTE CIGARETTE CIGARETTE

              ZAY ALL LIGHT,                  ZEY   ALL LIGHT

              LUCRY STRINE, LrJCKY STRIKE - AH --
              ALOUETTE   PUFF     HERCIGATS

                      JUST   AS HAPPY AS CAN BE
              WITH HER LiJCE7ES, MAIIE OF FINE TOBACCO

              L4MF, ISM6T

              LIVIAMCD ZE ICE AND SNOW
\             WE'RE^VFSEY GLAD TO RNOW

                                                        (MORE)


                                                                             ATH 0 1 0184666
                                                                                ->5-
    gUART : SHE~S AS HAPPY AS CAN BE
    (CONP I D)                                    .
r              WITH AN ISMFT, NNTP, MFT,                                 .

                 WE AGREE, NE AGREE

                 ESKIMO, ESR'IMO, SMOI   E   YOU ISNOW,   SMOKE   YGU II'NOW,

                 ALOL E 4TE   ALCUETTA


                 CIGARE'ITE, CIGAHETTFs,

                 THEY ALL LIFCE, THEY ALL LIIIE ~

                 LIICKY STRIKE, IACRY STRIRE, AH
                 ALCUETTA, PUFF HER CIGARETTE

                 THROUGH 75 LONG AND LONBSOMB AATIC NIGHTS

                 IN THE NORTH 80 MANY

                 LIGHT   UP   iuCC¢ES
                 THAT'S WHAT MAKE 7E NORTHBRNLIGHTS .

    (APPLAUSE)




                                                                  pTH01 0184667
(TIQRD ROUTINE)                                                                                                 .

MEL : W/O/How did you like the song?
        r
JACK : That was c'est si good .

MEL : Hey, look, Mister••the               blizzard   is letting up .                                               •

JACK :   Yeeh .,Well , I think        I'll   get going . . .Where's my

           pardner .,~JII80N, .WILSON.
                      4
DON : (COMLNG IN) Here I am .                         .

JACK : Come on, we're going up North to find gold . .gold, do

           you hear me, gold .               .

DON : (VERY DRAMATIC) Just a mi e, Pardner
                                                             . Don't risk your life out there in Wrre icy vastes looking for gold . . .

           what is gold? Can you eet it? Can you drink it?

           Gold is only money, and money vill only bring you

            unhappiness, misery and sorrow .

JACK : (LOOKS AT AUDIENCE) Would you mind repeating that?

DON : Money will only bring you unhappiness, misery, and
            sorrow .

JACK : This boy is not only fat but he's stupid . . .Now come
            on, let's get the dogs ready and the sled                    . ., we're

            going .

                          (SOUND : DOOR OPENS .,,WIND AND STORM                         NOISES


                          UP   AND DOWN)




RM




                                                            RiH 0 1 018466 8
                                                              -17-

JACK : (FILTER) WERE YOII EVEft OUT IN THE GREAT ALONE,

                        WHEN THE MOON WAS AWFUL ClEAR

                        AND THE ICY MOUNfAINB HBMA'ED YOU IN

                        WITH A SILENCE YOU COUID 6AR .

                        WITH ONLY THE HOWL OF A    TIMBER    WOLF,

                        AND YLU CAMPED T HE RE IN THE COLD,

                        A HALF ISsAD THING IN A   STARK   DEAD WOHLD,

                        CLEAN MAD F OR THE MUCK CAITF.D     GOLD .


               (SOUND : WIND AND STORM SOIINDS FOLL04A'J7 BY DOG SLED

               NOISES .,,SIFD GOING . . .DOGBARffiffi} . . .WHIP CHACKING . . .

               SOUNDS OUT, BUT SUSTAIN SLIGHTLY IN BACIQiROGDN THE

               WIND AND SLSD NOISES)

JACK :   (REG . MIKE) We're going mighty slow 14 and it's your

            fault, SF11"e .I took you on as a pardner because I was

            a greenhorn . . .you told me you knew everything about the

            Yukon . . . . You told me you knew how to handle these dog

            teams and sleds

   : Of course I do ..NDO . . what makes you think I don't?

JACK :   Well . . .I have a feeling the dogs should be pulling the

            sled end we should be riding . . .I'm sure of it .

               (SOUND : TERRIFIC CRACK OF-WHIP) ~~/i~~,

JACK : And that cocker spaniel with the whip is murder . . .-3~ka "

            yells "Mush" at me once mora, there's gonna be trouble .
                                    ~
DON : Gee, I can't stand this sBS more . . .Three weeks we been

            travelling through these frozen wastes . . .I wish I-xi&---
                                   . . .         .
                    '/v..c _ ..w~
JACK : ~~~ Hey 3~,-tkez~r+s a men . . . . an Eskimo .

DON : v7~1 Yeah, I'll go end talk to him .
         / ~ ~
JACK : S~'NOn't do any good, these Eskimos don't talk any

            English .




                                                          HTX 0 1 0184669
                                                                     -iB-
DON : I know, but I talk Eskimo . . .I'11 say hello to him . . .

             Hey Compari .


 JACKc That's Eskimo?

DON : Look, he's coming towerd us . . .end be's carrying food .

 JACK :   Yeah . . .meybe he'll give us so~mGey, Blubber . . . .I mean maybe
             he'll give us some blubber . . .Sffie, he wants to talk to us .

BOB : Ooooooggie ooogie              was   vae Msggehoo Meggehee .              -
                         u
 JACK : What did he          say,    what did he say?

DON : He says fiksk his neme is Mighty Hunter and he's Chief

             of an Eskimo tribe .

 JACK :   Oh . . .Ask him if he'll be our guide end lead us to the

             gold .

DON : Moogle Mowgli Unga Takerre Igloo . Meraboo Oogle Glub
      : PH- N~ggi Koooh Tasge7
J,acN                                                               d'--.C. .
 BOB : Nuggi nuggi tahken
    : He says he can't be our guide, helhbr something else
                            .DON
             to do .

 JACK : Ask him what .
 DON : Oogie toole naggarra?

 BOB : Takke loogi moogie papoose nunge wae wee .

 DON : He's gotte            joq   o Les Veges .,t* pick up   his    kid .

 JACK :    Oh . . . . well, let's go on by ourselves . . .Goodbye, Eskimo .

 BOB : Goodbye, and don't forget dinner Saturday night .

 JACK : I won't . . . Come on, let's go . .

                        : SNAP OF WBIP) .(SOUND
                ' ~ .--
 MEL : (BARKS 3'MHw) 19JSH.

 JACK : I'm nullirut it, I'm Pu11inR it . . .

                                                       .,)
                       (SOUND : WIND, DCG9, SI75'D GOIN'




                                                              Nrx    01      0 e1   46?   0
                                                                  -19-

JACK : WAIT A MINUTE, WIL40N . .LOOK . .LGQC AT THE SIDE OF THAT
           MQJNTAIN . . .WE'VE FOOND IT . . A VEIN OF PUNE GOLD . .DO

           YW HEAR ME, WIISON. .LCOK AT IT . .AJRE GOLD . .OH BOY, AM
           I UNHAPPY, MISEHABIS AND SCRRY : . . . . . Come on, Wilson,
           let'e dig that gold and go back to the saloon .

                 (SWND: WIND AND STORM UP AND DOWN)

JACK : (FILTER) BACK OF THB BAR, IN A SOIA GAME

                      SAT DANGERWS DAN MOOREW

                      AND WATCHING HIS UJCK WAS HIS LIGHC-O-LOVE

                      THE LADY THAT'S KNOdN AS LW .

                      WHEN WT OF THE HIOHf WHICH WAS FIFI'Y                BELOW


                      AND   INTO THE DIN AND GIARE

                      THERE STUM8iE0 A . MIf ER FRSSH FR O 7 THg CNEEIGS

                      DOG DIRTY   AND   LOADED     FOR   BEAR .

                 (SWND :    SLAPPING    OF BltR TWICE)

JACK : (REG . MIKE) Okay, Barterder . . .I've struck it rich ., .Set
           up drinks for everybody .
VEOLA :   . Does that include me,      Handsome?


JACK :              Lou . I came right back here
           after finding the gold just to see you .
                                               k4c
VEOL4 : Well, the minute I heard you xaae coming, I hurried
            home and got into this      new dress .               .   //

JACK : You re~ must have been in a hurry .beaeuee ~ou didn't

           get all the way into it . . . But Lou, I~Vr got presenta

            for you now that I'm rich . . .IAs got diamonds and

            ermine furs, a'54 convertible, a platinum mine, jewels,

            and a yacht for you .



MG




                                                            RT}{01 01 B46 71
                                                               -20-

VEOLA : Oh, darling .
JAOK :     Just call me Santa Baby .                _`
                                       4,,e     4

VEOLA : Oh, you - re so worc]erflal' .Kiss me . . ~
J#OK:=' --0kXy:
(VEOLA   AND JACK GO INTO A NICE     LONG   KISSING CISNCH)

JACK :     . . . Well, after that kiss I won't need my dogs or        my


           sled   any mo 'e,
                         T

VEOLA : Why not?
JACK : There ain't no more snow between here and the North

           Pole, .,Givsne, ~another kiss, Lou .

VEOIA : Sure,~I 11 ~b . wait a minute, be caref4l, .,here comes
                    /
           Dangerous   Dan McGrew,
(I9JSICAL STINGER)                          .

DENNIS : Lou, come here a      minute .              .

VEOLA : Yes, Dan .                                   .
                                   .
DENNIS : Didn't I se~e ypu i~ngt~hi.~s stranger a minute ago?
                         .u
JACK : Yea, you d"i`dY ,~~ what a$out it?

DENNIS : Do you know what I do to guys I catch kissing my gal?

JACK : What?

DENNIS : I cut off their heads and hang them up by their hair .

JACK : Oh,
DENIJIS : I'll have to think of something different for you .
 JACK : Oh, I ain-t scared„Now listen to me, Dan McGrew, Lou
           is my gal and I'm taking her with me .

 DENNIS : Oh no you're not .,~ dev your gun .              -

VEOLA : (FRIGHI'ENED) Don't, fight, boys . .,please .

 JACK : Get out of the way, Lou,,,I'm ready, Dan .


 MG




                                                         RT3S01   0184672
                                                                -21-
T
    JACK : (FILTER) THEN I REACHED FOR MY ROD AND THE LIGHCS WENP

                       WT AND TWO GUNS BLAZED IN THE DARK ,

                  (SIX1ND :   TWO SHOTS )


    JACK : (FILTER) THEN A WOMAN SCREAFg9 AND THE ISGHPS WENT UP
                       AND TWO MEN LAY STIFF AHD STARK ,

    MEL :    9®ad* e, Stiff ,

    DENNIS : (STRAIGHI' VGICE) So lonH, Stark .
    JACK :   (FILTER) PITCHED ON HI    S HEAD AND PUMPED P4LL   OF LEAD


                       WAS DANGERGUS DAN MoGRE W
                       WHILETHH MAN FRGM THE CREERS LAY CUJTCIED

                       IN THE AR618 OF THE L4DY THAT' S KNGNN AS LOU,

    (APPLAUSE AND PLAYGFF)




                                                      RT 90 1      01846?3
                                                                         -A-.
  ~-PHE JACK BINNY FiiO^vRAM        .
      ?MNRICAN T0940C0 CO .
      rANUARY 24, 1954 (Transcribed Jan . 14, 1954)
~     :LOSING COMMFI2CIAL



     :dILSON : Jack vill be back .in just a minute . But first, a vord
     (Live)
                  from one of the vorid's funniest men of letters, America's
                 comic poet Laureate . . . Ogden Nash .

     NASH :      Bomebody once vent thro u,$h my poems 9nd made,a list of the
     (Trans .        )        4 .,' .` _ 4r•nry o4-- .
                 things I dislike .

                . e~~,--E~d ,                      . W[sksas-me sou^•~ ~{U
                                 f,H~ws                      MGy .~, .~C
                 e~reG6y-meen-euea .n In the list of things,
                                                          . Of Ilike,S"H sgodeatin" ou~ ^~ik~e~ 7

                 good anything . . . good fun, gea&~~ , good smoking .

                 Naturally, I smoke Luckles . I vouldn't be here i _-~\

                 didn't, -s d v I smoke 'em, all I could
                 ansver would~ e . ., it's because of e aLe,-_ mehow,

                _ e ust taste better . To put it poetically . . .
                 I hope I'm not a crank, but I've got one foible,
                 I don't enjoy anything unless it's enjoyable .

                 ' 1-don Lt-ha f   e                       ,
                 -enti=v-~-mano~.y-wa-huck3 . :3tcike-o-analysis
                 I'm pernickety about what I like,

                 And for thirty years I've smoked Lucky Strike .

                                                      (MORE)




  \' BH




                                                               Rrx 1 0       0184674
                                                                                                                                    -B-
ti-- THE   JACK   BFN Y PROGRAM JANUARY 24,
                1954 ((Trans . Jan . 14, 195 4 )
    CLOSING COMMIItCIAL CONT'D .


    WILSO N : We agree vith Ogden Nash about smoking                                                                  enjoyment .     It's all

                                              a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter                                   is    --

                                              Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher,                                  smoother .        For

                                              tvo good reasons . . .firstLS/NgT-uckytriemansftobc

                                                                             . Second,              Luckies   are made better to drav

                                              freely and smoke evenly . . . that, too, means better taste
                                              for you . So be happy -- go Lucky . Pick up a carton and

                                              prove to yourself that Luckies taste better .

    COLLINS : , Luckies taste better
    CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother                                                                     .              .

                                              Lucky Strike Lucky Strike - .




Y
    DH




                                                                                                                      arK    01     01    e   46?   5
                                                                              -22-

                              (SWND : DOOR OPENS)
        RCCH : ~,,   ARE   Y(A1 FINISH® READING, BOSS? .

        JACK :       Yeah .

        ROCH :       WAN^1 ME TO FIX YN SOM LUNCH?,

        JACK :       Yee, . .I thixi c,I 1 11 have a Jaem   sandwich   and a glass of



        RCCH :       SORRY, B OS S, YyE, $AVE7M GOT ANY MIIK .

        JACK :       What are yaitalking abou ,you just bought thirty-six
                     quarts~this morning.

        ROCH : CONVERTID THAT TO 60 CAN3 OF HONCHCCKM SQJP, .

        JACK. Hot chicken aoup?

         OCH : THQtE WAS A FIRE SA18 AT THE DELICATE$S%N .

        JACK : Oh„ we11, I'11 have a ham sandwlch and a coke .
ZL~ IL-~-~ Goodnight, folks .

        (APPIAUSE)




        DON : The Jack           Benny   Program was written by Sam       Perrin,


                     Milt Josepsberg, George Bulzer, John Tackaberry, Hal
                     Goldman,     Al Gordon,   and produced and transcribed by
                     Hilliard Marks .


                     The Jack Benny Program has been brought to you by Lucky

                     Strike, product of the Amerioan Tobacco Company,
                     America's leading manu£acturer of cigarettes,




        MG




                                                                   aru01      01846 ;7 6
                                                  PROGRAM #21 .
                                                  REVISED SCRIPT




                THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY

                        LUCKY STRIII6

                   THE JACK   BENNY   PROORAM




SUNDAY .   JANUARY   31,      1954       CBS    4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST
                (TRANSCRIPm JANUAAY 2B, 1954)




EC




                                                  RT 80 1 0184677
       .                            THE   AMERICAN TOBACCO CO MPANY         -A-

-~-~                                "THE JACK BsNNY PROGRAM" "21

           7 :00-7 :30 PM EST                JANOARY 31 . 1954 SUNII4Y

           OPENING     COMMERCIAL
           WILSON :     THE JACK BISVNY    PROGRAM   . . . transcribed and presented

                        by I7JCKY STRIKE :


           COLLINS :     Iuckies taste betteri

           CHORUS :      Cleaner, Fresher,Ssoother'.
                                                                                      l
           COLLINS :   .iuckies taste betterS

           CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert

                         For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco :
             . Richer-tasting fine tobacco :

           COLLINS :     Iuckles taste     better%


           CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, .Smoother4
                         iucky Strike, Lucky Striket


           WILSON : This is Don Wilson . Friends, you know, I have a bit

                         of news that I think will be of interest to just about

                         everyone who smokes . In 1952 a survey was made of

                         smokers in leading colleges . It showed that those smokers

                         preferred Iuckies to any other cigarette . Well, last year

                         another survey was made . it was nation-wide,,supervised

                         by college professors, and representative of all

                         students in regular colleges from coast to coast .

                         Based on thirty-one thousand actual student interviews,

                         this survey shows thatIuckies lead arzain : Lead over all

                         other brands -- regular or king size .



           BA




                                                                        A   rx   01   0   1846?8
THE JACK IiFNNY                         PROGRAM        -B-
JANUARY 31, 1954
OPPIVING COMh1ERCIAL (CONT'D)
WILSON : And by a vide margin . The Number One reason for smoking
 (CONTID)                                                 ..
          Luckies was again -- Iuckies' better taste . .Nov,

          smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact

          of the matter is --- Iuckies taste better . Taste better

         because luckies are made of fine tobacco . And, they're

         actually made better to taste better . So for a

         better-tasting cigarette, next time ask for a carton of -

         Iucky Strike .


COLLiNS : Luckies taste betterl

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Snoother :

         Uacky StrikeS Lucky Strlke!,




                                                   Fi7X01 01846?4
                                                                                                               -1-


(FIRST ROUTINE)


(AFTER COAMTERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : T}E LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY .
                                                                  .WITH MARYLIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, LENNIS INY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS

          TRULY" DON WIL80N .

(APPLAUSE . .MUSIC              UP       AND`DOWN)                                   d

DON : LADIES AND GENTLFMEN . . .IAST NIGFII' WAS A BIG NIGHT IN

          HOLLYWOOD . .THE OCCASION WAS A SPECIAL SHOWING OF SAM
          GOIdRJ7IN'S ACAL@MY AWARD WINNING CIASSIC,       "THE   RFST 7LG'ARS

          OF   OUR   LIVES" WHICH IS   CURRENTLY BEING RE-ISSUED . . .


          NATURAId.Y ALL THE IMPORTANT STARS IN HOLLYWOOD RECEIVED                                                                       .

          INVITATIONS TO AITEND THIS CAIA AFFAIR . .AND WHILE ALL THIS

          WAS GOING ON, WHERE WAS OiR LITTIE STAR?
JACK : Rochester, hand me my pa j amas, I'm going to bed .

          HERE



2!.       No, no, my voolen ones . . nights are

          I KNOW IT'S COLD . .BUT Y GOT THIiEE CONFORTERS,

          T4I0 QUILTS, HAN, AND FOUR ELEC' BIANKETS WITH A
                                                              . old .




          DIItECT L7NE TO BOULDER DAN .
T~--- a ve~,r m~1 -nd~ .~ust turn out the light and I'll go to sleep .

ROCH :    DON'T YOU WANT ME TO RE4D TO YOU LIKE I ALWAYS DO?
JACK :    Well, yes . . .Pick up one of those trade papers . .either the

          Variety or the Reporter or the Wall Street Journal .
ROCH . : OIJAY, I'LL READ VARIETY .

                      (SOUNR : NE4ISPAPER OPENING)
ROCH : NOW LET'S SEE . .SAY BOSS,       ~      LOOK WHAT IT SAYS .
JACK :    What?




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                                                          ATX01                      018 4 680
                                                                           _2_


ROCH : TONIGHT AT THE ACADFMY THEATRE T1$RE WILL BE A SPECIAL

             SHOWING OF SAM GOId)41YN'S "BEST Y91F6 0F OUR LIVES ."

JACK : I]mow, I know . X~n

ROCH : IT SAYS AIS. TH6 BIG STARS IN HOLLYNOOD HAVE BE&N INVITED

             TO ATTEND .
JACK :'?:2 a- I know .

ROCH : DIDN'T            THEY   MAIL YOU AN   INVITATION?


JACK :       . . . .well . . .franlCly, I don't know whether they did or not . . .
             I didn't even o r oo ng .

ROCH : 0H BOSS ;                  xo
JACK :       Wha   t?
ROCH : THIS MORNING WHEN THE NP .~`'ZM~/% `Y, YDU GRABBED HIS BAG

            AND WENT THROUGH IT LI OCTUP HITH A bIIX[4ASTER IN

            EACH HAND .
JACK : I was lo, okinR for a reP14 frcm Dorothv Dix . . . . .,Anyway, who

            wants to go to these special Hollywood showings . . .You

            always see the same people . .Lsuren Bacall will be there

            with Hunphrey Bogart . . . .Tune Allyson will be there with

            Dick Poweli . .,Zsa Zsa Gabor will be there with JFrry
                                                                 i-
            Geisler . . .Eh, I'm glad I'm not going . . .But geer ;I've

            known Ssm Goldwyn so long, I can't understand why he

            didn't invite me .

ROCH : YFAH, HE CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST YOU . .YOU NEVER MADE A

             PICTURE FOR HIM .

JACK :      Yeah .



                                                            ne



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                                                                 Rrx 1
                                                                    0    0'1   8   46 6 1
                                                                                -3-


JACK :   ~                                         . .But 1etme tell you

           something . .If I got a phone call right now inviting me,

           I wouldn't even -

                                -(SOUPID
                            : PHONE RINGS )

JACK :    I'll   get it,   I'll   get it .

                    (SOUND : RECEIVER UP)
JACK : (VERY SWEET) flellooooo .

MEL : Is this Sam-s Meat Market?
JACK : No, it isn't .

                    (SOUND : RECEIVER SI,AE9MED DOWN)

ROCR : WBO WAS IT, BOSS ?
JACK : Some guy vanted Sam's Meat Market .
ROCH : SAM ' S MFAT MARKEP? . .THAT I S THE NEW PIACE DOWN ON THE CORNER .

          THEY ' RE HAVING A BIG OPENING          TONIGHT .


JACK : They are ?

ROCH : RIDN'T YOU GET AN INVITATION TO TBAT EI'1Tffi2?

JACK : I wouldn't go if I didr . .
R



JACK :           ~:               . . .Rochester, I'm going to bed, so turn
          out the light aiOll --

                   (SOUND : PHONE RINGS
                                             )R         ,

JACK : I'%W got it .

                   (SOUND : RECEIVER UP )
JACK : Hello .
MARY : Hello, Jack, this is Mary .


EC


                                                              prKO   1 01   e   46    e   2
  JACK : Oh,      hello,   Mary .

  MARY : I'm glad I caught you . I thought maybe you had already left

              to see the special showing of "Best Years of Our Lives ."

  JACK : No Mary, I was supposed to go, but . . .I don't know . .when

              you've been a star as long as I have, you don't get excited

             about those things .

  MARY : Gee, and I thought we could go together .

  JACK : No Mary, I'm ready for bed .

  MARY : 17,,~: That's too bad . . .I have two tickets .

  JACK : (FAST) What what what what . :~.~~.               ~   v~hat   vhat'

             did you say, Mary?
  MARY : I said I've g-g-g-got two t-t-t-tickets to the picture .

  JACK : Mary, just because you got invited you don't have to be so

             nervous about it . . .Look, I was ready for bed, but I wouldn't

             let you down . .ao while I get dressed, you jump in a cab and

             pick me up in ten minutes .

  MARY : Okay Jack . .I may be a few minutes late . I wants stop off

             at the florists and get a corsage .

  JACK : Oh good good, vhile you're there, get one for yourself, too . . .

             I mean, cane over as soon as you can . . .Goodbye .

                     (SOUAID : RECEIVER DOWN)
        -~ :
  JACK : ?=7.ROCHESTER, ROCHBSTER, I'M GOING TO THE OPENING .                 ,
  ROCH : ` I KNEW SAM WOULDN'T LET YOU DOWN
                                           .JACK
       : Not the meat market . .Stop jabbering and help me dress .
  BOB : Hello, Jack . .the door was open so I came right in .

  JACK : Oh, hello, Bob .
  BOB : WII .E / mem~


~ EC




                                                               pTX07 07   8   4683
                                                                               -5-
r
     JACK : Oh, I promised Mary I'd take her to a special shoving of
               The Best Years Of Our Lives

      OB : No kiddin', Jack, you mean ou got an invitation'
     JACK : I cert did, that's vh I'm putting on s                      tuxedo .


               You may not know ob, t for the st twenty years

               I've been rubbing        elbows    t ost important people

               in   show   business .

     BOB : From the looks of t4e sieeves, you muat•ve been rubb

                'em pretty bar

     JACK : A11 right, sll rlght .~. .rvow perdon me vhile I get
    ~-
               dressed .

     BOB')G''-i . I'll help you, Jack . While you're putting on your 'shirt,
               I'll but~qn your shoes .

     JACK : Thanks,'W~ . .OH, ROCHESTER, HAIm !4E MY WING COLIAR, WILL
               YOU, PLFASE7

     ROCH : YES SIR . . .OH-OH .

     JACK : What's the matter?
     ROCH : YOU WEAR A SIZE FIFTEEN AND A HALF COLIAR AND THIS IS ONLY

               A SIZE FOURTffiV .

     JACK : Oh, that's all right . .We can make it work, put St on .
     ROCH : OKAY . .HERE'S THE COISAR BUTTON . .NOW HOLD STILL . .BOY, THIS

               COLIAR IS REALLY STIFF . .JUST A MINOTE NOW . .(GRUNTS) . .Tf1ERRE . .

               I GOT IT . .HOW'S THAT, BOSS?                                       .
     JACK : (STRAINED) I guess it's all right, but it's so tight I can

               hardly --

                           (SOUND : BOINNNNNG)
     JACK : Oh darn it . .it slipped off the collar button . .Try it again,

               Rochester .                             ,
     EC




                                                              Rru 1 0     01   8   46   8   4
                                                               u~'75y              -6-

       ROCH : (GRUNTS)                 . . .BOSS, THIS COLIAR'S*W TIGHT FOR YOU .

       JACK : -Ypi/8ul1 it harder .
       ROCH : IlM GETTING IT . .I,M GETTING'W. .HOLD STILL . . .THERE .

       JACK : (9TRAINED) Gosh, this collar's so tight I can hardly
                       breathe . .Bob,how do I look?

       BOB : Like Herbert Hoover with a sunburn .
       JACK : DonIt be so funny . .~Now all I have to do is snap on this

                       bow tie and I'll be on my -- -

                                   (SOUND : BCINNNNG)

       JACK : Darn it . .there it goes again . .Rochester, where's my bow tie?
       ROCH : IT WENT 0UT THE WINDOW AND HEAIED FOR CAPISTRANO .

       JACK :       Well,       get me another one .
       BOB : Say Jack, do you mind if I turn on the radio while youIre

                       getting dressed?
       JACK : No, go ahead, Bob .

                                               .(SOUND
                                           : CLICK OF RADIO)

       JACK : Let's see . .I think I better get a                fresh   handkerchief . . .

       (BAND    VERY    SOFTLY PLAYS       SONG BOB IS GOING TO SING . .SUSTAIN IN B .G .)

       JACK :      that - s a pretty catchy tane _ ~- .
                                                          z
       BOB :    Yeah . .funny coincidence, '~$u`t I           just   did this song on my
                       T .V .   show   this afternoon .

       JACK : Gee, it's a shame I mSased it--I                 ldm     ~ liked tc have
                    heard it, _

       BOB : UrM, IW&,ying it for you right now .
       _ a ._ . ._,
      -BOB CROSBYI S SONG -"HgART OF .MY HEART")
       (APPIAUSE)



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                                                                         RTX01 01 8 46 0 5
                                                                                -7-


     (SECOND   ROVj'~
                  w
'JACK : ~at was a nice a ng,                          BQb .     ,~   ~~
                                                              :-n-
     BOB :        Thank 2,ASack . . .         I'MMMOMM be ruaning along .

     JACK : `}R'~•u_'So long .          4      L   ., ..
     BOB : Oh, by the way ; .if you ' re not going anyplace else after
                   the show, why don't you take Mary down to the                      Cinegrill


                  where Frankie Remley's bandls .

     JACK : No, no . .I think I'll be too tired .
                        1.~. ~Gt
     BOB : -:h Well, I'i going over there tonight,                    and we    might have a lot

                   of ]sughs . . .I'll bet , Maould enjoy it .

     JACK : - Probably, Bob . . .but she ought to get to bed early, too . . . .
                   After all we have a rehearsal tomorrow and a hard day

                   ahead of us4: :`~ We, 11 ought to get a good night's sleep .

 . BOB : Well, okay . .but~ t~he geas n I mentioned it is ~ecause the
                   manager of the Roosevelt Hotel called me and~ss dthat

                   since Frank Remley works on your program, held iike to
                   have us all as his guests .                        {1'~

     JACK :     Oh . . .Well, make sure you get us a                 ringside   table ; .See

                   you later .
      BOB : kay, and Happy                  1955 .                                    ~

      JACK : Happy 17                  Why             dld           you    say          ~

      BOB : With evesy.tlt ng free C'yeay~e_ there till next New



      JACK : Oh, stop, I wouLdn't--
                                 (SOUND : AUTO HORN (OFF)

      JACK :       eg)~, t   hat must be Mary .

                                 (SOUND : AUTO HORN T4TICR)




                                                                           AT}{01 0184686
                                                                                                             -8-



       JACK :
       JACK :                         (CALLS)      COMING, MARY CORffN See you later, Bob .

I ' . ('PRANSITION MUSIC)

                                                  SOUND : NICE CAR           MOTOR UP   AND DOWN
       JAC                            Say Mary, don't look now but ever since we've been ridin                     in
                                      thi b there's been a moving van following vs .
       MARY : I know

                                : What? .JACK

       MARY : So many timea I we go o the thea and found out I left

                                      the tickets on the piano . .s3.$hJWtime I'm taking the piano

                                      with me .
       JACK :Sayouknw,Mrt~sagodMARY

                                : Oh qviet, yov fa or everything . I we go he tickets right

                                      hare and the vitations, too .
       JACK : Let's se it . .Bm® . ."SAM GOId7r7YN CORDIALLY INVITES YOU To

                                      ATTEPID A SPECIAL SHOWING OF                    BEST   YEARS OF OUR LIVES"
                                      STARRING    FREfR ^ SrMIQ1L`H, . MYHNA IqY, IIANA ANIYtEWS AND TBBRE9A
  .   WRIGHT" .                                      j,
                                                   lll    ~W       muat be the theater ~ook at all the
                                      lights    and . 0-,~^y -
                                                (SOUND : BRAKES AND CAR STOPS)
       HY : Here you are, £olks, the Academy Theatre .

       JACK : Come on, Mary .

                                                (SOUND : CAR DOOR OPENS)
       JACK : How much is that, Driver?

       HY : A dollar sixty

                                                         :.(SOUND BOINNNG)
       JACK : Oh darn it .

       MARY : Jack~,~what                           happened?

       JACK : ~,[pthing nothing . .Here you are, Driver . .keep the change .

       HY : Thanks .

                                                (SOUND : CAR IYiIVES          AWAY)




                                                                                                 Hr   901   01846   e   7
                                                                                  9
       MAR'f : Jack, fix your collar .                              .

       JACK : I'm trying to . .but darn it, I've lost my bow tie
            : No you haven't . . .they've got the search light on .MARY it, it'll
                  be down in a minute .             -

       JACK :    Oh   yes . .here   it   comes . .Theret    I got it . .Now wait till I
                   fix my collar . .(GRUNTS       TWICE)    There . . .Come on, Mary,

                  let's go in . Gosh, look . .all of us big stars are here . . .

                  Come on . .hurry .

       MEL : Hold your own invitations, please „You spectators stand
                  back . .Let them in . .How do you do, Mr . Gable . . .Good

                  evening, Mr . Taylor . . How do you do, Mies Colbert . . .Hov do .

                  you do, Mr . Stewert . . .How do you do, Miss Livingetone ., .

                           oDS            CB   S TO STAND   BACK AND IE   T   I


       JACK : I'M WITH H6R :

       MEL : Oh, well then go right in,               Mister .                .

        JACK :   Hmm . .Mister . . . 1hryoesn't even know I'm Jack Benny .

       MARY : Well, don't tell him and he'll have something to look

                   forward to .

        JACK : What?
        MARY : Come on, Jack, hurry . .the lights are starting to dim .

        JACK : 0kay . .

                           (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)
        JACK : Hey Mary . .here are two . .right in this row . .a little more
                                _,=e ,A-Z~'AG. .A . . . . ,
                   then half way in,, .Follow me . . .Par3on me . . .pardon me . . .

                   pardon me . -

       MARY :    Pardon    me . . .pardon me . .

       JACK : Pardo: me . .paffion me . .pardon me_ .pardon me . . .
        MARY : Pardon me
        : PLf.don me .. .pardon me, .pardon me . .pardon me . . .Oh, darn it,
                      JACK
.~ there's only one eeat . .We'11 have to go bcok . .Pardon me, .
 y pardon me . .
,   MAHY : Pardon me . .pardon me . .
        JACK : Pardon me . .pardon me . .pardon me . .pardon me . .


                                                                        prrco         1   0 e
                                                                                           1    46   ee
                                                                     -10-

         MARY : Pardon me . .par3on me
               : Pardon me . .pardon me .. .pardon me . .pardon me . .
                                         JACK

         MARY : JACK, COME BACK, YOU WiTIT OUT THG EXIT .

         JACK : Oh yes . .Here we are, Mary . .Here are two seats on the aisle


         MARY : Good, and we're just in time, the picture's ab t to begin .

         (BAND PL4YS FANFARE OF PICTURE ST&RTING . .INTO MUSICAL TRANSITION . .)
                                (SOUND : BABBIE OF VOICES)

         MARY : Gee, that was a wonderful plcture .
         JACK : YepV-but what a crowd . . .Hurry Mary, or we'll never get out
                     of the lobby .

         MARl :      All     rlght   ll   really enjoye9 th0lpicture, Jack . .and what
                     a wonderfal cast .

         JACK :      I agree with you . . . .only I couldn't exactly accept

                     Frederick March's conception of the hueband . .I personally

                     would have done it differentl

         MARY : Oh fine . .March is an           Academy   Award winner, and you did_V t

                     likes conception of the role . . .I          suppose   you co'
                     s,a . .e .ae ..va~wc hotfon fhnn hn A1r1 _
     (
     ': JACK : No, no, Mary . .I 3on think my fans would ve liked me

                     in March's part . . . . But th on the o r hand, 3o you

                     think the public would have li rch in The Horn Blows

                     at Midnight?

     :: MARY : They wouldn't have like3 .Cfiat picture Elsenhower was in
                      it .




     ! JACK : Only the Democ naes . . .And anyway, Mary, we ' re not discussing            ;


                      politics . .I just     said   that as far as I'm   concerned


         MARY : Jack, look, .there's Sam Goldwyn coming towards us : .
3-        JACK : Where? . .Oh yes .

          BA


                                                                      pTYS01 0194689
MARY : Hello, Mr . Goldwyn .

GOLDWYN :    Hello, Mary .
(APPIAUSE)

MARY :       Gee, it's nice seeing you .

GOLDWYN :    Thanks, Hello, Jack .                                -

JACK :       Hello .                         ~~

MARY :       You know, Mr . Gol3wyn, I was/ thrille3 with theTicture . . .
             I thouQ ht it was just          wonderful .


GOL&7YN : Well, thanks, Mary . .Wha t d1d vou think about it,                           Jack?



JACK : j-"% I thought it was fine . .excellent . .But I was just telling
             Mary that the part that             Frederick     March     played   was almost

             a natural for me .

MARt : Jack .

GOLDWYN :    It's funny you should mention it, Jack . .You know, when I

              e firs asting the picture, I thought about you for that

             role .

JACK :      You     did?



GOLDWYN :    Yes, but then I          realized      L1 llg~ the part    called    for

             someone oJ .der than 39 .                                                     ..
         . . . _ ~,:, ~
SACKi ) "rb°~-Forheavens sakes, why            didn't      you call me, you know what

             a liar I am .   . . .   After   all,    the   picture     was made seven years

             ago, I was older then . .2 meanyounger . .i#nF. .I'm all mi ;ce3
             up .
                                             ~i .+ .,.r .
GOLDWYN :   Well                    mind for a* future pictures .
                      Jack, I'l1 keep you           In
             .                               .. .dz..o ..ri
               Thank you, -~
JAC :j: , - , . Mr . Goldwyn . .and remember„j I'm quite versatile . .
             I'm not just a comedlan . .Yo)i see, I'm a 9ramatic actor, too . .

             Listen to th1s . . .Hamlet's 8oliloquy . . .




                                                                        RT}l01 0184690
                                                                                           -12-


(   MARY : Jack, please, not on the street .

       JACK : Quiet, Mary, Mr . Gol3wyn wants to hear this . . .To BE, OR

                                           NOT TO BE . .TH9T IS THE QUESTION . . .HiMTHER TIS NOBLER IN

                                           THG MIND TO SUFFSR THE SISNGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGT+AUS --
                                                     (SOUND : BOINPRNG)                                 .

      JACK : Oh, there goes my collar again . . .Whero's my bow tie?
                                        a
      GOLA7YN : I swellowe3 it H
      JACK : No, no~.~`.here's t1e on the si3ewalk . . .ISCcuse me a minute . .

        ~                                Hmm . . where's my collar button?
                                           f
      GOISA9YN                            . ~~~I swallowed something .
      JACK : Well, atopl)woog about it, Mr . .Gol3wyn . . .It's nothing

                                           serious . . .I've got another one in my pocket .

      MARY : Say, Mr . Gol3wyn . .Jack and I are going over to the

                                           Cinegrill for some dinner and a cocktall . . . . How
                                           about joining us?

      GOLDKYN :                            Oh, I'd    love to, Mary . . .but I've got another big opening

                                          --J~         tonight .
      MARY : Another picture? GOIdh7YN

                                         : No, Sam's Meat Market .
      JACK : Sam's Meat Market?

      GOLIk1YN : Yes, i own that, to
      JACK :                             Oh .
      GOLDL+'YN : And that television can't hurt .



       MARY :Come on, Mr . Gol3wyn, why 3on't you join                                    us . .ve'll       have
                                            some     n.
                                                   fun .


       GOLDWYN : Well . .




                                                                                        RTH 0 1    0    184691
                                                                           -12-

    MEL : There you are . .four fingers of whiskey .
    JACK : Aehhhh .

    MEL : You know, Mister, you're the first man I ever saw drink
              out of a glove .

    JACK : I always do . I'm the only man in Alaska thatY got a

              hangnail with a hangover . . .Doggone . . .I've been trapped

1             in ttds saloon for eight days by that darned blizzard . . . .

              How much longer do you think it will last?

    MEL : I don't know
        : Well, I'm gonna.JACK take a look outside and see how the ,

              weather is .

                         (SOUND : EIGHT HEAVY FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OFIIiS AND

                                   WE HFAR THE DAIRIEDE3T STORM WITH

                                   WINLB 1DWLING LIKE CRAZY . . .ON CUE,

                                   THE LOOR CIASffi AND SOUND OUT . . .ELGHT
                                   HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BACK)

    MEL : How is it outside?

    JACK : Cloudy . . .Look, Bartender, being stuck in a place like this

              for eight days can drive a guy nuts . . .Item, got to have a

              little excitement . .JML ell you what . .I'll bet you five

              dollars I can shoot those three glasses off the top she]S

              in three shots .

    MEL : Five dollars says you can't .

    JACK : It's a bet . . .Stand beck, everybody .

                         (SOUND : SHOT . . .GIASS CRASH)
    JACK : There's one .

                         (SOUND : SHOT . .GIASS CRASH)




                                                           Hr   80   1   0184692
                                                                                           -13-


r   JACK : Certainly,                           and I'll       tell you what, Mr . Gol9wyn, you and

                                  Mary can be    my   guests .

        GOLDWiTI :Yourgest?JACK
                     : Yes, I ' 11 pay for       ;        everythin .
                                            i~-
        GOLDWYN : Mary, we better go . .this-aW be the Sest Year of Our
                                  Lives .
                                                                                                              1
        JACK : Yeah! . .Come on, let's go .

         (TRANSITION MUSIC)
                                            (SOUND : NIGHT CITJS NOISDS . .PABBI L OF VOICDS . .
                                                       SOt M DISHES AND     SILVERWARE .


        MARY : Jack, aek the waiter to get us a table .
        JACK : I don't have to . . .Bob Crosby said he'd get me a--Oh,
                                  there he is, right over by the orehestra . .Follow me, Mary,

    ,             Mr . Goidwyn .

                                            (SOUND : FOOT9TEPS)

        BOB : Hi, Jack . .Mary .
        MARY : Hello, Bob .

         JACK : Hello, Bob . .I'd like you to meet my friend Sam Gol3wyn . . .

                                  Mr . Goldwyn, this is Bob Crosby .
                    n;                          w
         POB : r.... ~, }p`i~eased to           Wol   t you,    Mr . Goldwyn .


         GOLDNYIV : Crosby4 . . .Crosby? . . .~g . .Thst name is w familiar . . .
                                  Oh yes ., you have a newphew named Gary, haven't you?

         JACK : Yes, yes .,come on . .let's get seated .
                                            (SOUND : SCUFFLiNG OF        CHAIRS)


          (BAND FANFARE)




                                                                                    pru 1  0      01 04 693
                                                                                               -13-

     JACK : There's two .
                                          (SOUPD : SHOT)

     MEL : (PAUSE) You lost .

     JACK : No, I didn't .

     MEL : I've got twenty dollars more that says you did .

     JACK : It's a bet .

      I                                   (SOiIND :       GLASS      CRASH)
     JACK : That slow bullet has made me a fortune . . .Anybody else



                        want to bet? (BAGBY STARTS SAMg SONG ON LOUSY PIANO)

     JACK : Hey, you at the piano .                                            '

     (BAGBY STOPS)

     JACK : Don't you                     know     any other see 8e8

     MEL : Nab, he's iggerant . . .But those f~ f,yrt~ rss in the,
hJCL
   .           i,,,~_ .. Y .. . "'N'~7` -/~w`" d
          ! cotner    .~.e..p ar a .,     .
                                      ..h"e
                                   ..

     JACK : Well,                  let's        .
                                             hear ~soms                                     O
                                                                                           l/

   \ MEL : I don't think you'il understend them . . .They're French
    \ Canadians and speak very little                                          English .
                                                                                           i
     JACK : ' What'a their names?

     MEL : Pierre, Alphonse, Gaston end Remleg

                                                     :~JACK
                 : Frankie Remley? What's he doingup here?
     MEL : He came up ._here to hunt .

    JACK : What's he huntiog?

     MEL : Them dogstiith the brandy around their necks .
    JACK :What?MEL

            ,:" .They don't always find you,'you know . .
                                                 ~.
    JACK :           Well,                                   .'
                                   let's hear them sing a song
    MEL :            Okay . . .take it fellows .




                                                                                       ATY{01 0184694
                                                                                                -14-
T-
     (INiRO)

     QUART : ALOUE7TE GENTIE ALWETTA
               ALOOEITE JET'Y PLII6II2AIS
               ALOUETTE LIGHT A CIOANETTA
               LUCItY STRIIG3

               JE SAIS TRES BON JO'LE

               JET'Y PLUMERAIS LA TET                                                                    a
               LIGHT A LUCI{Y ALOUETPE

               JET'Y PLUMERAIS I.A TET
        . LIGHT A LUCKY AIAUEfTE

               ALOUETTE ALQIETTE CIGARETTE CIGARETtE AH
               ALOUJE'Pf'E PUF HER CIGARET A MA7k

                                                    : OF FINE TOBACCO 00H LA LA
               ALOUE7TE GENPLE ALOUETPA

               WR07E A IETPER TO IIIi LEAR PAPA

               HERE IS WHAT ZE ITiTTER SAY

                  "SEND MORE IJCK[ES RIGHT AWAY"



                SONAMpGUN THE ESKIMO ZAY SMORE LUCKIES TOO, YOU IINOH

               ESKIMO, ESRID70, SMORE YOU KNOW, SM01{E YOU KNOW

                  ALOUETTE ALOUETPE CIGARETTE CIGARE'ME

                   ZAY ALL LIGHT, 7EY ALL LIGHT

                  LUCKY STRIRE, LUCKY STRIKE - AH --

                  ALOUETTE PUFF HER CIGARETTE

                   SHE IS JUST AS HAPPY AS CAN BE

                  WITH HER LUCKIES, MAIE OF FINB TOBACCO

                   ISMF, L4MET

                   LIVI NG                              MID   ZE   ICE   AND SNOH
 \                 WE'Rfi^VERY GLAD TO BNOW

                                                                              (MORE)



                                                                                       ar 901 0 184695
                                                            -14-
T

    HY : GOOD fiVENING, LADIES AND GiITIEAff .TL . .ON BFHALF OF ZRANK

              RDMI~.Y AND H .IS ORCHESTRA I WANT TO 1iLRO0NP YOU HERE' TC

              THE CINEGRILL IN THE HOTLI . ROOSYVELT . .TONIGHT WL ARN

              HONORED BY HAVING SEVERAL CDIDBRITIDS IN TfD• ; AUDIE`]Cli,

              AND I'M SURE WITH A ISTTIE PERSUASION WN CAN GLT 74 .1a- M

              TO STAND UP AND TAKN A EOW . . .IADIDS AND GISITLII1Il3Q, THE

               3PORT8[4IN Q.UARTET .
    r-~--'
     MARY : Jack, stop bowing and sit down .

    JACK :   Oh., ou can sit down, too, Bob .

    BOB :     Okay . .you be t down, too,            . Goldwyn .

    JACK : Yeah, yeah,     let's all   a

    Hy ; LADIES AND GIIiT , I'M SURN THAT GAVL THL

              SPORT       . ARTET A GREAT BIG HAND, THCY WOULD DO

                                    MEA 4   F(1F




                                                           HTX01 0184696
                                                                                                                                     -14A-


    QU.4RT : HI TIME, HI TIMg

              HI,HI,HI,HI,FII
              IT'S FU(3H,TINME FOR US, TO GET ACQUAINTED

               IT'S ~BYM/~'TIME
              AND WE'RE HER~E~TO ENTIItTAIN

              SO HI TIME, W TIME
              I RT'S GO YOU                               KNOW              IT'SHOWMEY

                                 WARNED                ME WHEN YOU KISSID M6

              YOUR               LOVE           WOULD RICCOCHET
              YOUR LIPS WOULD                                       FIND                   ANOTfiER
              AND YOUR                       HEART               WOULD GO ASTRAY

              I THOUGHT THAT I                                          COULD                HOLD YOU

              WITH ALL MY MANLY CRARMS

              BUT TH6N ONE L1AY YOU RICCOCHETID


             '!W0 SOMEONE IISB'S ARMS AND BA4BY, I DON'T WANT A RICCACHHT ROMANCE I DON'T WANT A RICCOCHEI' LOVE

                                                                                                                   .
              IF YOU'RE                         CARELESS                                 WITH YOUR KISSES
             FIND                ANOTHER                  TURTLE DOVS

              I CAN'T LIVE ON RICCOCHBT                                                               ROMANCE


              NO,          NO NOT ME

              IF YOU'RE GONNA RICCOCHgT, BABY

                I'M GONNA SE~OU FREE r
                       y~ .~ : ,
    BILL : Hey, Marty,' isn't•that Mr . Benny who                                                                      just came   in?
          ~4xs- ~
    MAR''Y : right, we better get into a oawercial,right .nW . ,(~

    BILL : But we d~ h~v~e `4 comercial lymics for this song (
                                                           .
    MARTY : -2,That's 90001Ws we'11 ad lib

    BILL :   .0mr            .
y     CB                  ~




                                                                                                                           RT?l 01       018469?
                                                                               •-14B-

T    QUART : I      KNE   W THE   DAY    I SMOI ED YOU
                 THAT YOU WFRL         MEANT    FOR ME .

                 TFD;RE'D    NEVER     HE ANOTHER

                 LI%6 AN I6 MFT

                 I PROMISED I'D BE FAITHFUL

                 AND FROM YOU NEVER S7StAY

                 SO HOUND APIDFIBM APID FULLY PA01ffiD
          +~ YOU ARE MADE THB FHFsSIH•7i WAY .

                 BUY LUCRY

                                                        CC

                 SO MUCH CIF.A[U;B SM ,                  TOO .


                 YOU ARE FOH PLEASURfi
                 DO I LOVE YOU, I DO

                 Z AM NOT A CCOC SMO%BR
                 N0, NO MB

                 YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTSR TASTING

                 LS MFT

                 I'LL BE HAPPY PUFTIN' A LUCKY

                 I CAN COUNT ON LUCIIES, I KNOW

                 ALWAYS WITH ME WHEN I TNAVEL

                 FULLY PACIED AND READY TO GLOW

                                         .
                 ALWAYS CLEANER, FRSSf~R,~ OOTHEEt

                 THE BEST SMOI(E YET .

                 LET'S BE HAPPY, HAPPY GO LUCKY


                 WHAT A CIGARETTE LEP'S BE HAPPY, HAPPY GO LUCILY
             •   LET'S    LIGHT A LUCKY STRIIIE .
     (APPLAUSE)

2-   CB




                                                                    ar   801     0 e
                                                                                   1    46   9   8
                                                                             -15-
    (THIRD ROU'fINE)
                                                      vOP^~'^pNr're~ngements .
                                      f.o e Ylave eome~~
    BOB :                sportsmen


    MARY :       AWW   / . . Gee, the     place                           .
                                                     is kind~of crowf-ded/t ~ight . . .

                   Romley really packs them in . w~+~ ., .vh~'"

    JACK :         You'r You see, Bob,                             like   I told you en

                   y^ou--c~am.~e to work for me, being on my program a big
                            .

                   esset . .IAe at Remley, when he came                   ith , be wes

                   just another gui player, but we toning s

                   name on the program, an ow he e is rchest

                   and everything . He's real ting up in the world .
                                                                      : ::: :
    BOB :         Yeah . . .Now if he'd jus              et up off t oor .

    JACK :         Oh, is   that     him n there?

    MARl :         Yes . .wben h       ed that      la   st number, his baton looked like

                                              r o

    JACK :         Well, let's get some food . . .I'11 call the waiter . . .and
                   remember, kids, you're my guests tonight, eo order any

                   anything you want . . .OH WAITER . .WAITER .

    NELSON :       . . . . . .YE55SSSSSSSS .                   -

    JACK :       We'd      like    to order   some       food . . .may I have a menu,   please?


    NELSON :       Here you are

             :     Thank    you . . .Now let's see . .Hey wait a minute . . .the
                                     .JACK
                   prices    are    all scratched off my menu--who did that?

    NELSON :       I did, I hate suicides .

    JACK : Never mind .
    MAHY : I know what I want . .I'll have a Caesar salad, Lobster

                   a ls Newburgh and broccoli .

    NELSON :      Yes, Medem .

    BOB : I'll have a minute steak, rare . . .French fried potatoes,
y    and         coffee .

    GT



                                                                          RT 9 01 018 4 699
    !     NELSON :     Yes, sir .
~       MARY : What are you                   going to   have, Mr . Goldwyn?
          GOLDWYN : I ' 11      j   ust have a glass of milk .

          MARY : Are you sure you donlt want anything to eat?

          GOLDWYN : No, I'm not veryA hungry, I,just bad a collar-button .

          JACK :     Mr . .Waiter~j ~he 11 3us4 have a glass of milk .

          NEIBON :76/-(Z'm sorry eir, but I can't serve milk at this table .

          GOLDWYN :     Why              not?             a

          NELSON :     It's too close to the orchestra, it will make them sick . . .
                       . . .Well,      I'll   go get th6se orders .
          JACK : Wait a minute, you haven't t51mn my order yet .

          NELSON : Oh yes, vbat'11 you have,                  Stranger    In Paradise?
          JACK :      42M      . .I ' 11 have the potage du       jour,    et ealads avec
                      Roquefort, et le boeuf bordelaise et pnnme de terre .
          NELSON :    Well get him .
          JACK : Never mind,              just   bring what I    ordered . . . and   we'd also like
                      scme champagne vith our dinner .
         NELSON :     What kind?
          JACK : I don't know . .what vould you suggest?

         NELSON :     Well, when it comes to             champagne,   I always say . .Mm the
                      vord .
         JACK : Waiter, that's a pretty corny joke .




           CB




                                                                               arxo7 0 e    1   41100
                                                                                             -17-

 ' NEL40N : Well, what did you expect for thirty-five                              dollars   a week . .

                          Martin     and Lewis?

          JACK : Never mind ths wise cracks . . .You ought to pay a little
                          more attention to your )ob . . .eome waiter . . .look at this
                           tablecloth and nspktns . . .I've never seen such dirty linen .

          NELSON :         Well, you do the m     for   us    Wong Foo

               :        IAUD)           NAITEg,                   .JACK
                                                               NEVSR           MIND           TT E

                           IMPERTINENCE,    JUST BRING US OUR DINNER . . .AND GIVE MS THE

                           CBECK .
          NELSON :         OKAY, BUT YOU'LL NATE YOURSBCF IN THS MORNING .

          JACK : TBAT'g NONE OF YOifft BUSIN&9S . . .NOW                  00 GET   OTIIt FOOD .

          NIiI30N : OKAY . . .JUST LOWER YOUR           VOICE .


~-        MARY :           (PAUSE) . . . .Psst, Mr . Goldvyn . . .Mr . Goldwyn . .you can come

                           out frmq under the       table,     people have stopped       staring .


`~        JACK :          J~ .ftbw     let's all have        a pleasant    evening . .Iat's eat,
     _-    __-          dn1nL . anA hw mwrnv .

          (ORC AY3 VENY 90FT 1MNCE MU3IC)

          JACK : Oh, the 'I playing again . . .Everyone's get~ing'4p to

                           dance .

          BOB : Hey, look vho's coming ove ur table . .Nello, Don .

          DON : Bi ya, gang . . .Bel , r . Goldwyn .

          GOLDWYN : Hello, Dg




                   CB




                                                                              RTX 0 1 01E4701
                                                                              -18-
    JACK :             I didn't know you were here,         Don .

(
    DON : Yeah, I came with the Sportsmen . .Fellovs, I hope you
                   won't mind if I ask          Mary   for this dence?

    JACK : \No, no . .of course not .

    MARY :        11   i'd be delighted, Don .
                               (SOUND : SCUFFLING OF CHAIR)-
                                me, fellows .

    (MUSIC UP A LITTLE T            FADE TO B .G• .)
    DON : You know, D                     it's funny . . .I've         own you all these

                       years and yet       s is the firs             me we've ever danced
                       together .

    MARY : 'fhat's right . .And                          very pleasantly         surprised . .


                   For such a big man you              nce wonderfully . .You're so light

                       on your feet .

    DON : Part of me is st                      sittin    down .

    MARY : Don, stop beli                 ling yoursel        You are a good dancer .

    (MCSIC COt9ES UP FOR A FEW,         D'ANIg . .THFN FA           AGAIN)

    DON : Say Mary, s Jack trying to get M1L . Goldwyn to star

                       him in e picture?
    MARY :         Yes, b t I don't think Jack is going                V   o get him to do it .

    DON :    Why         ot?

    MARY : Th only thing Mr . Goldwyn is drinking iV mi1k . .He's
                         etty cagey .

    DON :        eeh .~

    (MUSIC UP FE7,J SF~CNffi TO FINISH . .THECI SPRINKLING OF APPIA9SE)
    DON :    /    How      about    another dance, Mary?
    MARY : I'd love to, Don . .but I see they've                       already    brought the
                       food to our table . .I better go back .




                                                                           R7 9 01 0184          ?0   2
5
     DONOkay .               See   you later .

                                   SSND : COSIPIF OF B15P5)

     JACK : Sit down, Mary~ .-gcur 's getting cold .

     MARY : Wher~„e1-s'$ b••~?

     JACK : he had to eat and run . .he's cutting a records

                     early in the morn•• ii~ . Comg o}y Marv let~s eat

     (YRANSITION MUSIC)

                             (SOUND :IGHr NIGHP CLUB NOISRS . .SILYERWARE . .SPC)

     JACK : (SIGHS) Tha was really delicious .
     MARY :     Yemy-I       enjoyed    mine, too .

     JACK : Anything e1se . .desaert . .Some chaspagne, Mr . Ooldwyn?

_ G07DJYN : No thanks, Jack .

     NELSON : Will there be anything else?

     JACK : No, thanks

               : Well, here's.NEL40 your check .

     JACK : (WHISPERS) Weiter, come here a minute .

     NEI30N : What?

     JACK :          (WHISPERS)      We t re not supposed to get any check . .ve're
                     guests of the management}~y.-•-                 L •
                                                                 "

     NELSON : I'm sorry, I don't know                anything about        that . .the check is

                     thirty-five     dollars     and sixty cents .

     JACK : (WHISPERING, BUT IAUDER) Look, I'm telling you . .we were
                     invited here by the management .

     NELSON :         I'm sorry, but I've beard that one before .

      JACK : Look, do you think I'd tell you that if it veren't true . .

                      I'm Jack Benny .

      NEISON : I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE               KING   FAROtIIC .

      JACK :         WHAT?
 Y
      G   P




                                                                           Hr 8 01   0184703
                                                              -a0-
NELSON :     I I VE   GOT   A CHECK HERE FOR THIRTY-FIVE SIXTY AND YOU'AE

              GOING TO PAY IT .

JACK : IIM NOT GOING TO PAY IT .
MARY : JACK, FOR HEAVENS SAKE, YOU'RE CR5ATING A SCENg . .WHY DONIT
              YOU PAY THE CHECK4

JACK : YOU KEBP OUP OF THIS, MARY . NOd WAITEB, OEP ME THE
              MANAGER .

NEI30N : THE MANAGER HAS GONE HOME .

JACK : WELL, GET ME SOMEONE, I'M NCJf GOING TO PAY THIS CHECK .

GOIiYdYN : JACK, PIEASE . .THIS IS EMBARRASSIN'i .
JACK : Y0U KEEP OUf OF THIS, T00 . .YOU INVTPE ME TO YOUR PREPIEN

              AND THEN YOU COMI's IN HERE AND STUFF YOURS6LF AT MY

                        .iI'yM WISE TO YOU .
              EXPENSE .4~

GOLDn'YN : All I had was a glass of milk
    : I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAD . . .IET FREDRICK MARCH PAY FOR IT . .
                                      .JACK
              AND     IET ME TELL YOU   ANOTHER   THING--

                         (SOUND : HOINNNG)

JACK : OH, DARNj EE~RE Pf GOES AGAIN .
GOIIYdYN : (COUGHS AND AItdOST CHOKES)

MARY :      MR . GOLLWYN, MR . OOISAJYN . . .WHAT'S THE MATTER?
GOIIIr7YN : I JUST HAD DESSIIiT .
JACK : -01[i AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY THE CHECK, TOO . . .COME ON,

              MARY, IET'S GET 0UT OF HNRr .             -

(APPLAUSE   AND   PLAYOFF)                                                         -




                                                            Arx   01   01   8   4704
    TiSF.   JACK                                           BFTSNY       PROGRAM          -C-
    JANUARY 31, 1954
} CIASINO COFPfERCIAL

    WIL90N : Jack wlll be back in just a minute, but first a word to
                                 cigarette smokers

           :LuckiestabrlCHORUS                                .COLiNS
          : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert

    COLLIlVS : Luckies taste bettert
          : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert                                  .CfIORUS
      ~ For Lucky Strike means fine tobaccot

                                 Richer-tasngf obcCOLINS

           : Iuckies taste bettert

    CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, 8moothert

                                 Lucky Striket Luckp Striket


    WILSON : You know, friends, there are three wordsthat pretty

                                 well sum up why so many millions of smokers prefer

                                 Lucky Strike . And those three words are, "IUckies taste

                                 better' . "Taste" that's the key to real smoking

                                           enjoyment . After all, smoking enjoyment is all a matter

                                           of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste

                                           better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Luekies come by

                                           their better taste in two ways . First, from fine tobacco --

                                           and that's right where you'd expect better taste to start .

                                           LS/MFP, Ixicky Strike means fine tobacco -- fine, naturally

                                 mild, good-tasting tobacco . Second, LuckLes are made

                                           better to taste better .

                                                                                    (MORE)




                                                                                     RT 9 01   01134705
      ~JAANCy           31HNSINY954HOGRAM                         -D-

      CL03ING COMh1ERCIAL (CONTID)

(
    Y7~L~ON :   You can see for yourself that they ' re round, firm,
     (CONTID)
                fUlly-packed, to drav f r eely and smoke evenly . You ' ll get

                more en,)oyment from smoking if you remember :     smoking


                enjoyment   is all a matter of   tastet   And the fact of the

                matter is Luckies taste better . So, Be Happy -- Go Lucky .

                Next time ask for a carton of Lucky Strike .                          4



    SP0RT8tE3J Be Happy -- Go Lucky
    QUARTTT :
    (IANG Get Better Taste Todayt
     CIASE)




     BA




                                                              arx 01   01847     06
                                                                            21-
                               '?~~,
  JACK :      e , ome at-last .

                   (SWPID : Kr7Im UUUR . . .ywx urrm I

  JACK : I hate those big argumenta in public places .
            Mr . Goldwyn paid the check . He should hav
            went to his picture .

  ROCH : (OFF)-0'S THAT?
  A   CK : It ' s me, Roc
  A(TH :   OH . ROSS_ THE MANAGER OF THE HOLLYWOOD ROOSLe7XIll' JUJ'1'

             CALLED .
  JACKo      Oh he did?

  ROCH :     YES SIR . HE   WANTED      APOL ZE . BE SAID THAT YQ7 WERE

             SUPPCBED TO BE HI     Y,UESTS TORIG ID7T THE WAITER MADE A

             MISTAKE AND GA      YCU A BILL . -

  TACK : I know, I kno .
Lhim HE TOLD ME 0 TEY .L YOG BE'S MAIISNG YOU CHECK FOR
             SIXTY-F DOLiARS AbN                  CENPS .
                                SIXTY
L JACK : Oh. . W 1 then, Rocheater, call Mr .Sem Goldw the first
             thing in the morning --

   ROCH : YFS SIR, WHAT SHALL I TELL HIM?
   JACK : Tell him IPve left town . . . Goodnight,          folks .


   AP      )




   MG




                                                              Ar 901   01   e 4?0?
T                -22-

DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin,
        Milt Josefsberg, George Balaer, John Taokaberry, Hal
        Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transorlbed by

        Hilliard Marks .


        The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Iucky Strike

        product of the     American Tobacco Company   . . . America ' s    '1

         leading manufacturer of cigarettes .




MG



                                                      prxoi     01   e4   708
f "1 ±; 0 1   0   1E 4 ri? :a
0LL98L0 LOMld



                                                                        xe




                          (h56t   'C   xavnM3   =   xosNVSy)
 ssa wa o4 * tr- oo * h                  990         +h6t 'L xnvnxgm 'xvw s

                             wveaoaa xruras xoar aIrl
                                   mtitt ls xx onZ


                            xervdwoo oooveo,L tavoissrav

        sai M s aasuM
            uiY wvitaoaa
                                                                                             -A-


T                                                      THE          AMER ICAN TCBACCO CCMPANY                                          .

                                                          T~ JACK BIC7NY PRCGRAM #22
    7 :CC-7 :3C PM FST FESRUARY 7, 1954                                                                                    .   SUNDAY


    CPENING CCMMERCIAL                                                                                             .

    WILSON :             THE JACK BENNY                               PROGRAM                   . ..       transcribed    and presented by
                         LUCKY                                                                STRIK&!                                               -
    COLLINS :            Luokiestabr!CHRT
          S   : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoot_her :
    CCI7,INS : Luckies taste better!

    CHORUS

              : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco! Richer-tasting fine tobaooo!



    COLLINS :          Luokies                   taste better!
    CHORUS :            Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother!
                   .    Lucky               Strike!                   Lucky             Strike!
    WILSON :            This is Don Wilson, friends, have you                                                            smoked    a fresh
                        cigarette lately? You have, if you've smoked a Lucky .
                        because The                         American                       Tobacco Company, the makers of                           Lucky


                        Strike know how vitally Smportant freshness                                                               is       to the
                        taste               of a         cigarette .                          That ' s why every day in the
                        manufacturing plants                                            where             Luckies aremade hundreds
                        of packs of Luckies are                                                  carefully        tested for the            tightness

                        of their cellapbane seal . ., so                                                        you'll   get Luckies'
                       better taste in all its natural                                                          freshness .     Yes, smoking
                        enjoyment                     is all a matter of taste .


                                                                                                                       (MORE)




    BA




                                                                                                                               Hrx     01     01    e   4?11
!          .     THE    JACK                                               BENNY                        PROGRAM                   -    -B-
                 FmNUANx 7, 1954
     1_- OPENING CODAffiNCIAL (CONT'D) -

               : And the fact of the                                                                  matter            .YlISON
                                                                                                                 Sa Luckies       taste better .
    (- - (CONT'D) Cleaner,
                                                                              fresher, smoother .                  There are       two things   that
                          account for this better taste . First -- fine tobacco --

                           fine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacoo goes into Lucky Strike
                                                                                               . Then, L»ckies are mede better -- made round,

                           firm, iUlly-paoked to draw freely and amoke evenly . So

                          for a better tasting, lYvsher tasting cigarette, light up

                          a Lucky .You'11 agree smoking enjoyment is all a matter of

    . taste and the fact of the matter is Luckiea taste better .
                          Be Happy -- Go Lucky -- with a carton of Lucky Strike .
                 SPOBTSMEN Be Happy -- Go Lucky                                                                     .
                 QUARTST
               ,(LONG CLOSE) Get better taste today
      .~                                                                                                   :1C




                 BA




                                                                                                                                      Hr 90 1      0184 ? 12
                                                                                              -1-


(FIRST ROUfINR)
(AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND bOWN)

DON : TfM LUCKY STRIKB PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BSNNY . . .WITH MARY

          LIVINGSTONE, ROCHES'1'fiFt, DENNIS MY, BOB CROSBY, AND

           "YOURS TRULY" DON NILSON . .

         . . .MOSIC UP AND DOWN)                 .(APIUSE           .
                                            4
DON : IADINS AND GF NTLEME N, TONIGHT JACK                                     BENNY DOES     ANOTfIE .Ti

          TELEVISION SHOH . . .BUT MEANWfffLE, TtffiiE'S A BROADCASTTO

          DO SO LET'S MOVE R7        E   CLOCK              BACK         TEN MINUTES AND            SEE WHAT


          BAPPENS BEFORE A RADIO PROGRAM                                GOES    ON   THE   AIR . .WE        NOW


          TAKE    YOU'TO JACK BENNY'S DRffiSING ROOM                                 WHERE    OUR LITTLE

          STAR IS     RELAXING .                                                                                  .
JACK : (SNORES        TWICE)                                                                            "

ROCH : MtM4.1     MMMM,   I SURS   HATE     TO NAKE'P}ffi BOSS UP,                           BUT    THE
          PROGRAM     GOES   ON IN TEN      MINUTES .                                               .
JACK :   (SNORN"J                    AGAIN)                                -
ROCH :
                                             .                                 . . .JUST LYIN' 7R           ERE   ,

          SLSEPIN' LIKE A          BABY .


     :     (SNORES)                                         .JACK
ROCH : YBP, JUST ISKg A BASY . . .MAYHE I OUGHT TO TAKg HIS TH(EAB

           OUf OF HIS MOUTH AGAIN .

JACK : (SNOHES . . .TfEP7 MONIDLES . . .TfRTN TALSS DRFAMILY) Nov Ava,
                 ~
          lease . . . . Yfa t a mi/nvte Lsna . .(SNORES) Stop it, Marilyn

          p .(GIOGLFS 4MarlYym, please, you're tickling my ear . . .
          Marilyn, stop kissing me
                                  .ROCH
     : BOSS, BOSS, WAKE UP . . .YOU WENT TO SLE6P TO RELA7C .


BH



                                                                                     ATX01          0184?13
~    Roc}qeter :
    RAC`N• vc•, .}S, IkPIE                                                  .
    JACK :        (YAWNING)         Aww .    . . .   I   was having   such a nice sieep . .why did
                  you have to        wake         me^ RoeMee w
    ROCH : I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO MISS YOUR PROGRAM

                                                         .JACK
             : Big thing . .mies the program . .Look, Rochester, I've been

                  in radio for 23 years nov . . .each year                       I   do about 40 shows
                  . . .that makes roughly one                  thousand broadcast           I ' ve done . . .

                  What would be          so       terrible if I did      miss        one?    So   I
                  wouldn ' t get paid for one ahow . . .After all, money isn ' t

                  everything . .

    ROCH :                           .B03S,WAKgUP . -.

    JACK : I am avake . . .NOw please give me my tle . . Oh darn it, n

                  I ' m sorry I took              that nap . . . Whenever       I .sleep, I toa nd
                  turn and get          all      runpled up . . .Hov     does    my hair ok?
    ROCK :        FINg,,    BOSS,   FINB . . .YOU WANNA PUT IT ON NOW4,
    JACK :        Yea . . .Hold the mi rror for me, please .
    ROCH :        YES, SIR . . .        Y, MR . BSNNY . . . .AF TET2.d 'IRIVB YOU RO ME
                                                              ~
                  TODAY, CAN I                      THE   REBT OFJi'i E NIOHT OFF?
                                                                /
    JACK :        I guess so . .vould                     11xerto borrow my car?
    ROCH :        YEAH .
    JACK :        Oh . .you got     a    dete?
    ROCH :        YFAH .      i
    JACK :        With     Susie?


    ROCH :        Y6AFUQNHS :                                    \
    JACK : '      Say, you ' ve been             going steady     vith   Susie        or a    long    time
                  now, haven ' t you? .


    HH



                                                                                 FiTiS01 0184714
                                                               -3-

     .~ UR HUH . . .TI~ YBAFt3 .
'RCCFP                                                                   .

 JACK : Has \ question of marriage ever entered your . .mind? . .

ROCH : YES, SU7^MXH9NK S4IANCE SHOV&D3T RIGHT 0VT AGAIN . ,

JACK : Rochester, don ook at-me/like that . .itls not my fault

          if you haven't~uc y in the benk . . .You've enlygot

          yourself-to/blame if you spendthrift . .What have you

          goti against saving,   anyway?


ROCH : / I'VE SEEN SO MUCH SAVING, I I M SICK IOF T

JACK :    Well, that's your      own---


                (SOUND :   KNOCK ON DOOR)

JACK : COME IN .

                (SOUND ;   DOOR OPENS)             .
MARY : Jack, I'd like to use your mirror to - put on my make-up . .

     v~~ the one in my roan is cracked .               ud
JACKYu~ Certainly, Mary, go      ahead an--Wait   a minute' . .dMary ,
                                                               Mary, ,   that


          dress you're vearing . . .It's beautiful .    .

MARY : Well, thanks
     : I've never seen.JACK you wear anything so glemorous . . .Mary,

          how can you afford an expensive dress like that .

MARY : We1l . . .I didn't buy it new,

 JACK : You didn't?
MARY : No, there's a store in town that sells dresses that movie

           stars have worn in pictures .

JACK : I know .

MARY : This is the dress that Jane Russell wore in Gentlemen

           Prefer Blondes .

JACK :4 Jane Russell, eh? . . .Well, it fits you perfectly .


BH



                                                       Ri"X01 0184715
r,       MARY : I had to take                it   in a little .                                                         I
         JACK :        Oh .                                                                               '.
         MARY : Anyway, I think I got a real bargaln . .
                                                                              .Itonlycsmeahudrols!

         JACK :         A hundred dollars! Tbat ' soutrageous . .L                                   wouldn't          pay

                         that    kind    of money for a     second-hand      dress .
         Mf+RY :      You       wouldn't    pay a hundred     dollars    if Jane Russell                                was


                         still in it .

         JACK :         Look, Mary, if you know so much, how a~----

         DON :           (OFF) OH JACK . .JACK .

         JACK :         I :M IN MY lYiffi3rf~ R~O.~OiMy, Dy±ON~.                                                       ~

                         (COMING IN•)nYou and M6ry oetter get on stage We've

                     -tm,S only got a fen minutes left before air time .

         MARY : I'm ready, Don . .Come on, Jack,-let's getgoing .                                                               .

         JACK : Wait a minute . .Here, Rocheeter, I rant you to spray a
                         little perfvme on me

                 :       YES,    SIR .              .ROCH

                                 (SOUND :    FOUR IAIID     ATOMIZER   SPRAYS)                       .

         JACK : A little more,               Rochester .


                                 (30UND : FO1F2 MORE SPRAYS)

         JACK : (SNIFFING) AhhLh .
                                 (SOUPID : TWO MORB SPRAYS)

         ROCH : IS THAT BNOiP.}H,SO4JACK
                 : Yes .

         ROCH : NOW STAND BACK WHIIB I SWEBP OUT T1                      E   DEAD                        FLIES .




     k   BH




                                                                             arx 01                           0    1   e 4716
JACK : All right, all right . . .Now let's go . .Rochester, I'll be

                              back in about thirty-five minutes . . . .While I'm gone, I

                              want you to press the suit I wore down here, and the tie,

                              shine my other shoes, darn my socks, and think up a few

                              jokes for next week's program . -

ROCH : BUP, MR . BENNY .                                . . .   I'M YIXiR VAIET . . .YOU'VE           GOT WRITERS TO


                              THINK UP JOKBS .                        '
JACK :                4191~   Don't be selfish . . .They' help                 yo   u mow the lawnl

ROCH :                        YEA}I, THAT'S RICHT . . .AND SINCE WE IOSTyOUR LAWN                              MOWER,


                              THAT WRITER WITH 2H6 BUCK TEETFi AND                       REVOLVING HEAD           IS A

                              IIEBINITE ASSET .
JACK : Yeah, I wish I had more llke idef. . .CCme_on, kids, let's

                              go .

                                       (soaem : DooR oPUS               &   CLOSES . . .FOOmSTEPS IN            CORRIDOR)


JACK : Don, are we all eet to go?
DON : Yes, Jack, everything is fine . .but .Amb .
        :Butwha?DON                                                                           .JACK

        : Well, Jack, I've been going through the script and

                              there's one line in it that I'd like to change .

JACK : Wkiet is it?

DON : ~, here it                                '~$   s on page twelve . .Don't you think it would -
                              be better to say, "DON                  WILSON   RFADS CONMERCIAL" instead
                              of     "BLUBBER    DOES PLUG ."
JACK : Oh, Don, it doesn't make any difference, it's just a

                              stage directlon . . .Nobody eees it but you . . . .Now come on,

                              let's go on in the studio .                                                  -

                                       (SOUND :       COUPLE       oF aooTSTErs . .DOOR orgxa)

B   t



                                                                                           arx 1       0       0184717
                                                                                                                -6-

JACK : All right, everybody . . .we go on theAlr in about three
                                                       iBuf                     Yf.L`                           .
            minutes . . .Say,Bobthinku-BO

     : Waltg~a min~e, J~sck Iive got to get the boys in the band

          l~ad f~ . . .(UP ALL RIGHT FEIdOWS, Id3T I S GSP                                               READY POR           TfB ;

            SBOW . . .PCT AWAY THE CABDB, TAR6                                          THE   MONEY OFF        THE    BASS

            DRUM AND STAND IT BACK UP

      : Nmmmm .                                                         .JACK
BOB : NOW STAND TBE ~ Up, .T00 .

JACK : Oh, was thet Banm:yl gee, when he's lpying on the floor,

             his head looks like a honey dew melon ripening on the

             vine . . .Now Bob . . .

     : Just a second, Jack, the boys aren't ready .BO yet . BAGBY,

             PUT         TEAT          AWAY .

       : What?                                                  .BAGY                                     ..

BOB : I SAID PUT TBAT AWAY .
BkGBY :      I CAN ' T FIND TfO:                       CORK .


BOB : WELL, STICK A MIFfE INIT OR SOMETHING .                                                    .

BAGBY : I AINIT GOT NO MOPE . I'M A PIANO PLAYSR .
JACK : WBO SAYS SO?

BAGBY : PETBILIA SAYS                           SO .


JACK : ?i         ~         . .Well, look, my losded                               Liberace . . .     You ' re holding up

             the show .

BOB : JW1 Jack, we ' ve                      still      got a few minutes before air time . .ehsYi                                   .

             I~hsve the                     orchestra       play s®ething to entertain the

              studio              audience .                                                   -




BH




                                                                                                8    rK 0 1         0194?10
                                                                -7-

JACK : Yeah, that would be aii right .
DON : Wait a minute . Jack, the           Sportsmen   quartet have § great

          number they   rehearsed     with the band nnr(how about'ad~oing

          that for the audience .
          4" L~c
             L~c ~ ,~,,... - .~:
                            -
JACK :y~«e9Nsy, Don . . .go ahead .
                                        'A-4



DON : HIT IT, FELILIWS .




Bf[




                                                       RTX01 0184 7 19
                                                                                                          -6-

QUART : IN NAPOLI WHEHE LOVE 13 KING

           WHEN BOY ME&7PS GIRL, HERE'S WHAT THEY SING .

           WHEN THE FpON HITS YOUR EYE LIEE A BIG PIZZAPIE

           THAT'S AMORE .

           WHEN     THE WORLD SEE M TO SHINE

           I,'ffCE YOU'VE HAD                        TOO              MUCH WINE

      `~   THAT'S      AMORE,

           BELIS WILL RING TING-A-LING A-LING, TING-A-LING-A-LING
           AND YOU'LL SING VEETA BELLA

           HEARI'S WILL PLAY TIPPI TIPPI TAY, TIPPI TIPPI TAY ,

           LIKE A GAY TARANTELIA, UJCICY FELIA

           WHEN THE STARS MAKE                                       YOU DROOL
           JUST    LIKE    PASTAFAZOOL, THAT'S ADDNE WHEN YOU DANCE DCWN 'Pf
                                                                               E   3TREEP WITH A C kWD AT   YOUR   FEET
           YOU'RE IN       LOVE,                   YOU'RE IN LOVE .



           WHEN YOU WAIK IN A DHFAM BUT YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT DREAMING, SIGNORA

           SCUZA ME, BUT YOU SEE, BACK IN OLD NAPOLi, THAT'S AM)HE
           WHEN THE ShUKE YOU PREFEP 13 SO MUCH TASTIER

           THAT'S A UJCKY

           WHEN YOU PUFF AND YOU PUFF AND NOT ONE PUFF IS ROUGH
           THAT'S A LUCRY

           SING WITH ME CIRIBIHI BEE IBMFP
           GIVE ME IACEIF5, M9BE3A

           TRA LA LA, TRA LA IA IA L4, EASY ON THE DRAW
           I AM ONE LUCKY FE7dA, LUCRY FELU

                                                                                         (ADNE )

DH




                                                                                                   Rrx   01     0184?20
                                                                                          -9-

@UART :
     (coNT ' D)
             WHEN THE SMJKE IN YOUR HAND
                  IS YOUR FAVORITE BRAND, IT'S A LUCKY

             Wtffi7 .THE TASTE IS JUST RIGHP
             ANDA EACHPUFF A DECSGHT, YOU WILL SAY                                 .      ~

             WHEN I OPEN THAT PACK PSTtd . OF FINE LIGHf TOBACK, BIGNORA

             WHEN-A YOU TEAR AND-A COMPARE



             YOU'LL BE GIAD TO IECIARR IT'S A LUCKY STRIKE, A LUCKY STRII(E,               .
             THAT'S A LUOKY .                                                  .
(APPLAUSE)                                       .             ,                                        .




DR




                                                                               Nrx   01        01   e       4721
  (SEDOND ROUTINH)                                                       .             .                                        . .   .. -10-

                         (4
                               ^"                                                          ~v..~~
JACK : Don, that number was reallswell ~--
DON :          Shh         Jack,              ~ h. .                           ~

JACK : Huh?                                          .               . ,~ ~-x -
                                                                              :                                       ~~        ~~     ~wr; 2aw~

DON : We go on the air in just ~A few seoond~ .guiet, everybody0. .
               five . . . .four . . .tbree . . .two . . .one . . .                                                             -       -

(ORCHESTRA DOES OPRNING THM AND FAAE4)
      : AND NOW, LADIES AND GFSiTLiRgSI . : .I BRING YOU A MAN W.DOHN O EVFT1 Jc ~- ceue~y~

               THOUGH HE CLAIMS 3~J :a THIRTY-NINS~ 6f3&9 TO BEDAT NINE-THIRTY

               EVERY-NI61L1' . . .AND RFRE HE IS, JACK BFSVNY .

(APPLAU_ . 8$)~~"                                                    .                                                                            .       .
                                                                 ~e~ny
JACK :~~r•~~'Pbazik~ou, thank you, hello sgain, thia ia . Jaok ..a .~ .wis-eL ~
     ~' /ya^ m'l~n./i~+sn ¢e N 4r~1 .-t S'3o, .e J+.an. . .c. a                                                                                       .
   a" talking .^ .and Don, much as I'd 11ke to discues .that

               introduction with you, I oan't, beoeuse tonight we are going to present a very important sketoh

                                                                                                                  .        .

DON :~~ What kind of a sketch, .Jaok4
                                                    .-JACK
        : Well Don, the most popular books today are mysteries about

               private eyes, and there are so many radio and T .V . shows
                about them, that tonight we are going to do a show based on

                the life of a private detective .

MARY : Gee, that sounds kind of exciting .
JACK 4 It is, Mary . . .AND NOW, LADIFS AND GHNTLII•ffi'I . .FOR                                                                       THE   FIRST
                TIME IN               OUR RADIO                    HISTORY, WE PRPSIIiT A DRAMATIC PIAYEf                                       BASED


                ON THE             LIFE           CF A PRIVATE EYE . .AN                                         EPISODE       IN THE EXCP1'ING
                ADVFSNTGROUS                      CAREER                 OF THAT ROUGH, TOUGH                          DETECTIVE,        BULLEPS

                BENNY .


                                 (SOUND : FOUR PI9fOL SHOTS .)


 CB




                                                                                                                               RT1S01 01 B4722
                                                                           -11-

SHIRIEY : (ffi.OOD-CURDLING SCRP'AM)
                        (SOUND : BODY THIJD)                           .

MARY :         Don, help me pick Jack up .
JACK :         Hsu® . . .Nov in this sketch, I willplay the part of

               Bullets Benny, a fearless crime-busting detective .

               Oh, fine . ~ ~

JACK : What do you mean, oh               fine?


MARY :       Je     . .Why do you always       want    to play ose tough          parts


               when you e such a ooward . . .You' even afraid of the
               dark .

JACK : Oh stop . .I'm not                 ow    , and I'm .not afraid of the
                                     I-cl YA

               dark .

MARY :      Goon .-.you've 6t a bodygu vitb you all night long .

JACK : So what . . ts of people have b uards .at night .

MARY : Well the least you oould do is get~ beds .

JACK : ook, Mary --

MARY : You Pired the last guy becauae he had cold fe
               Mary, save that funny stuff for the sketch . .Nov ibL~s

               get on     with   the --

                        (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR)                .

JACK :         Who can that be? . . .COM6 IN .

                        (SOUND : DOOR OPFNS)           .

MEL :          Hello, Mr .    Benny . . . Remember    me . .I'm Herman Nebuch .

JACK :      Herman        Nebuch?                                            ~

Tffi, : Yeah,~ I was over at your house this summer an d sold you
               that life insurance policy
         : Oh, yes, yes . .but vhy come.JACK and see me now, I've been

               paying the premiums .                       .   .              .
CB



                                                                   RT}S 0 7 01     8   4T23
                                                                     -12-


    MEL :/-~ - I know, but the company has,put a new clause in its
                 policy . .for another fifteen cents a month, you can get
          ,/~~ extra protection now .               .              ,

    JACK :G~~~-Nhat extra protection?                                                   .

    MEL : 07j We pay you double if the planet Mars crashes into the
                 earth .                                                                      _




    J     . For heavens sakes, Herman . .that ' s the         silliest      ins
                                                                              _              oe~
                                                                                      P~"n

                 claus -a~ Le~r ~heard_. . .If the planecra9hedinto the

                 earth, everybody xoul bled and the money wouldn't

                 do ~ood :
    MII, : Yeah, but at least you vouldn't feel like a suoker .

    JACK : L Gec, I never thought of St that way .rOkay, Herman, .if

                 it'll make you any happier, I'll take the extra

                 protection . . .Here's your fifteen cents .

    MEL : Thank you . .And here, Mr . Benny . .this goes with the Planet
         - Mars Policy

          : What's that?A.-JCK                                                    .
    MEL : A telescope, if you see it coming, get out o£ the way .

    JACK : I wili, I wi11 . .Row Herman, please sit down and let us

                 do our shoa, w
    MII . : Yes sir .

    JACK : ~~ As I was-saying, in this sketch, I vill play the part of

                 Bullets Benny . . .And Mary?
    MARY : Yes, Jack?

    JACK : You are going to play the part of a very wealthy society
                 vqman .   r
                           Y     H. Beki,n Van   Storage . .You   live in a big
                 /,~s          ~ru .xewvc. .
             ~ mansion,) ~e four mink coats, .si : cars,            two yachts          and

~~ eighty million dollars .                               -              -
    OB




                                                            Arxo I       0184?24
                                                                     -13-

MARY : Gosh, 3aelt how did I get all that ?

JACK : Last Ballowe'en you went down to Texas and played Trick
            or Treat . . .Nov Bob, you're going to play the part of a

            bartender .
BOB : A bartender

                    ?JACK
       : YQq.y.Do you think you can do 1t

                                       ?BO
   : PA6ack, since I took over this orchestra I haven't bee

                                       .                                    nservigmahl
                                . ..
JACK : ~e-e Ek .wel1,              Bob,~with     .~J boys you'll always
                                               those
                                                S
            have trouble . .only    last   week UP told you that you ought
            to fire Bart my the Drummer .
BOB :8/I can't fire him . Why, if it weren't for Sema;y, we

            wouldn't have any      orchestra   at all .
JACK : Why, is8amaqy that good a            musician?


BOB : No, his brother         is    a bail bondsman .
JACK : -Q}r. .,snd the band gives him a lot of            business


   :   ,, A lot? 3emmy's broxher makea more~han min e ?BO
     % 6e.~.~ m~.frce+.K.e ~.tn     .( C~:~?FSO[ : ,~ ~~f~-S?
JACK : ~-Ie`£pa gewith
                                          a
      I .~c- casting the play because -- ~

BAGBY : (DOFS TWO TONED COMM WHIBTLE )
JACK : BAGBY, GEP AWAY FROM TME WINDOW AND GIVE H&RMAN BACK THAT

            TIIFSCOPE . . .What a piano player . .Nov, Don---
bON : Yes, Jack ?

JACK : You are going to play the focal pctit of the sketch, the

            most important part .
DON : Oh boy, that's awell .




                                                          19   TH01 0184725
r

     JACK : You see, the sketch starts off with you being held up on
                 the street and you are robbed of nine hundred thousand

                 dollars :

     DON :    Gosh . .N p ~ ~   hundredthou s
                                     l 1      ~ . Na ~~'j~~jllars . .am I a millionaire?
                      ~JIMV M2£ .1V L.' .^ R L/an .. .(~ !1'//Y.
     JACK : No, /a! Birnk's truok~' .NOw'we're even for that introduction
                 aboutome going to bed at nine-thirty erapy-a#ght .• .Nov,
                 there's one more part in the sketch, and you're going to

                 play it, Dam'+is . . .(AF4'IIi PAUSE) . . .Dennis?• . .Whereo

                 Dennis?

     BOB :       I don't know .,

     DON : - He wasn't at rehearsal either .                        .         .

     JACK : Maybe something's happened to him . .I better call his
               . home . Don, hand me the phone, w

     DON : Jack, I called his house before we went on the air, and

                  ~ his line is out of order .
     JACK' ~ GBqv do you like that .

     BOB :       ! ~
                 K 1~, we'32 start the sketch without
                  §                                                 him .


     JACK : Sure, but right now it's time for hie .song . .vhat are we
                 going to do for a song?

     MEL : I can sing, Mr . Benny .                           .
     JACK : Huh? Look, Herman, not now, I'm having enough--

     MEL : (SINGS) We're poor little lamba who have gone astray,

                 Baa, bas/,/ baaa . . ~ ~

     JACK : Herman~ro~*~~
     MEL :       Baae, .basa, baaaaaa,         baaaaaaa .               .         .
     JACK :        $q}yl&R                     J-__
                        i
     M6L . : BasaaaaEa, /basaaa8eaaa, ~baaaasaa,~baaaeae, .b83aaeasa --

     CB

    3A~clr.


                                                                   Ri}SO1 0184726
                                                                       -15-

JACK : }MS NA , ~S9E~
MEL :     sorry,           Mr . Benny, but   I just    love those lyricsl

JACK :       Hmmm

               .DON
     : Say Jack, why don't           you   let Bob .do a       song?


JACK : Yeah that's right . Ho`r aboub7
                                           y,r-                Irv

BOB :    .   3e.e I'll~sing, Jack . .an8     i=vwA-~6   a-dedioate this song

              to   you .


JACK : Wtlat is it4

BOB ; ~ "OH MY PAPA"
                        .JACK
        : Well, go ahead, son . . .meanvhlle I'm going to walk over
              to Dennis Da9's house and see xbat happened to that

              crazy    kid .   .

(BOB& ORCH DO NNMBER) -- "OH, MY PAPA")
(APPLAUSE)                                         -       .




CB




                                                               Arxo    1      •
                                                                           0 18472?
 (THIRD   ROUTINE)




                    (9CDPID : STFSh.T NCIBffi . . .FOOT9TNP8)

JACK :Dennis makes me so mad . Nov I have to go all the way

            over to his house                  just   to find out   why    he's   missing    the



            program . He doee the silliest things I've ev~se~ . .!~
           33tce ]es-ts_ummer we were standing by my-sirimming pool

            and euddenly he yelled, .- ~ one in Ss a 4otten egg" . .

            And I      j   umped- -iti before I         realized    I

            clothes on . . .

                       SCIItm : FOCTSTEPS) .

JACK : But gee, I don't mind walking today• . The weather is eo ,

            wonderful . Imsgine . .he-r,~e (it~ is February and the weather

            is so nice and warm . ~DO happy I live in Los

            Angeles . It was varm yesterday, too . . And the day before

            that was really hot . .,.~(,~ourse,W nobody knows what the

            temperature wss . .The smog was so thick you couldn't see

            the thermometer . .

                      (SOUND :FOC1'STEPB)JAK

     :      Well,       I better hurry over to DeFn                          ouse . . . ~-
                                                                        2j

               en     I see him, I'm gonna tell j~m                     plenty   about missing

                 _-
            op

HARRY : Hey, Mister, Mister .
JACK : Huh?

HARRY : Ain't you Jack Benny?
JACK : That's right, Bonny . .I am .

HARRY : Well, imsgine me meeting a celebrity . . . . a real live

             celebrity in person . . . .Can I have your autograph?

JACK :Nl~l Certainly .

BA




                                                                           arx    01   01    e   4?28
                                                                          -17-


 HARRY : Gosh, imsfdne . .a celebrity . . .I wish I was a celebrity .
                  PCG
 JACK : Rea119 .A •Tell me, sonny . .if you could be a celebrity,
               which one would you like to be?

 HARRY : Joe D1Msggio
       : Oh, you~l~ik baseball, eh? -
                       .JACK

 RARRY : Boy are you a                square!                                    ~

 JACK : Oh, oh, I see . . .Well,                 give me your   autograph book~ I'il

               sign it   . . . .   Thanks . . .What's your neme?

 HARRY : Rarry . . .juet sign it, "To               Harry ."


 JACK : Olay . .(BIONLY A8 THON(lli WRITIAG) . . .To Harry . .vith very
               best vishes . .Jack Benny . . . . .There you are
           : Gee, thanks, Mr . Benny . . . .You know, I think you're
                                                           .RAY
               wonderful on radio and television .

 JACK : Well, thanks .                                           -

- HARRY : I think you 're so good, I wonder how come you've never

                made any moving pictures

       : Butf -----er . . .wait a minute, how old are 9ou, Harry?
                                   .JACK

  HARFii : Ten years old .
               BR . .
  JACK : Ohn .Well, goodbye, Barry .                       .

  HARRY : Goodbye
                         . - (sOiAm : FGOTSTEPS FOR COUPLE OF sECONDS)

  JACK :        . . . .Gee, isn't that wonderiVl . . .a whole nev generation
                growing up that'11 never know . . .Well, I better hurry
                over to Dennis's house and see what's wrong .

  (TRANBITION MUgIC)

  JACK : Well, here's                 Dennis's   house .

                     (sOUPm : FOOTBTEPS UP BTEFB . . .DOOR BULZER)

  BA



                                                                   Rrx 01 0 18 .€ ? 2 9
                                                                                                              -18-

    JAOK :       I~                yan't vait till I see him           eA* 9%Z4             .   -        "'" ' - ' '-

                                       (SOIIND :   DOOR   CPINS)

    KEARNS :// Dh, hello, Mr . Benny . . .come on in .

    JACK : qj Thank you, Mr . Day
                                               : DOOR .(SODNCLC6F5)                                                                            .

    JACK :                        Is         your                son                            home?                                      •
                                                                                                  4
    KEARNS : No, he's_out with hiemother .

    JACK : Well, that'e why I'm here . .
                                                                      .doesn't Dennis realize he's missing the broadcast today? -

    KEARNS : :   Yes, his mother insisted that he mise it . .But I want

                 you to knowthat I didn't agree                                with             her at all

          : But Mr . Day . .don't you and your wife discuss these
                                                               .JACK
                  things?KEARNS

             : Mr .                   Benny,   you don't    discuss      things            with Dennis's                             mother . .-

                 you express an opinion and duck
                                                                              . But uhy should she insist on Dennis missing today'

                 program?

    KEARNS :     'Mr .                Benny,   you'll     have to talk a li~louder .

    JACK : Huh?

    KFARNS : I've got a oa~liflover , today I didn't duck fast
                                  enough .

    JACK : Ch, I'm ry to hear it-~$\ut I understend your problem .
                                  I' talked to Mra . D_ay eeveral~t mes and I knov how

                                  easily she ge t a mad .                                            -

    K`G Aim : No,no, Mr . Benny . .she gets madder
                                                 r                                       she's al v-&M                               d.

    JAC   K~_21cj .r1de11, Mr . Day . .Iknow this is                                     none of                 mq busi esk : :

                                  but don't you think thingemight be better if you

-~ asserted yourself with Mrs . Day?

    BA



                                                                                                    HrKO               1       0184730
    KEARNS :   Asserted ¢ y self?

    JACK :     Yes . . . have   you ever tried to show her who's boss?

    KEARNS :   Oh,   I ' ve tried that several times .
    JACK :     What happened?

    KRARNS :   The Blue Cross       cancelled    my policy .

    JACK :     Oh,, .

                        (SOUND :   DOOR OPBNS)

    JACK :     Well, look, Mr . Day, if I were you --

                        (SOUPID : DOOR OPENS)

    VERNA :    Well, I thought I'd find you here .                   ~

    JACK :     Mrs . Day, where's Dennis?              .                   .

,   VERNA :    I left him at ourlawyer's office .

    JACK~/~Do you         realize    he's missing the .                  --

=              (TRANSITION) Your lewyerR .

    VFRNA : Yes, we were           discussing   that       ridiculous   contract you've

               got   Dennis     signed to .       :              .

     Au        Oh ., .who is Dennis's lawyer?

    VERNA : The m of Finnegan, Reilly, Murphy, su7~4'Shaunnesy .~

    JACK : Finnegan, Rei . Arpl~y Shaunessy I?

    VERNA ; Yes, a ltttle-trTt of Irelan oing to fall out of the
               aky na hit you right on the head .

    JACK : Hnm~ .We11~LO ,ok Mrs . Day, the                  contract   I~kiave Denn

                tied to is the       usual    one between the artist and his

                employer .

    VERNA : Usual! You've got mp boy signed up for ninety-nine years

    JACK : So what?                                                            .

    VNRflA : So what . .how do you           know he'll      live that long?

    JACK :     How do you know        I'll    live that long?

    BA




                                                                     arx   01      0   7   84731
                                                                 -20-


           You alread have :
    LU cµt s~y .tntru
    ~ ~ t/n~
       :
     JACK          .Now waitit a inute4 .I've tried to be fair to Dennis .

     VEPNA : Fair -- everybody knows you've taken advantage of him . .

                 ask anybody . .ask Mr . Nsy here .

     KEARNS : Well, I think--

     VERNA : You keep out of this .
                                                                         4
    iWVJ6i& ,~=Yeey -desr   .

     VERNA : And that salary you're paying Dennis--              .

     JACK : But, Mrs . Day --

     VERNA : What a salary to give a featured singer -- forty dollars
          . a week .       Why,   I manage two   boxers   who make more than that .

     JACK :      Well, fighters make a    lot of   money .

     VERNA : These are dogs .
            : Well, that I don't understand at all . . . Tpok, Mrs . Dsy . .
                                     .JACK
                 that contract I have with Dennis is legal . . and .my lawyers

                 will make it stand up in court . . So Dennis better be .
         . back on my show next Sunday or there'll be trouble .

     VERNA : (MAD) Oh no he won't . .My boy won't sing on your
                 program next Sunday or any other --

                       (SOU6ID : PHONE RING4 . .RECENER UP)                  .




k   BA




                                                             Rrx 1   0       0   184 ? 32
                                                                                                         _21_


    VERNA : (TOUON) 7{ello . . . . . . (TAANSITION TO SNEET) . .Oh . hello,

     -   Dennis .,, Yes, the old goat is here . . . .Tell him what?
               . . . . . . . .But vhy? .   . . . . . .   Oh, all right, I'll tell him . . .

               Goodbye,     son .                                   .
                                : RECEIVEB DONN)                .       . . . .(SOIPD                      .    . .       .

    VERNA :   Mr .        Ben        ~
                         ny, my son eali he'll be back on your program as

               usual next      week .


         : That'sbetter . .goodbye .                                                    -JACK        .

                      (BOUND :      Two aoarSTEPS . . .DOOa oPENS & czcaES)
    K.F.ARNS : But darling, I don ' t understand..-
    VERNA : The lawyers vent over Dennis'e contract, .and when they

               finally     read the small print in the last-clauee                                               Mr   .

               Benny put in, they were oonvincedthat Dennis can
               never quit .

    KEAFWS : Y hY not?                                                   .                      .   :-
    VERNA :    Mr . Benny adopted him .

          S : Mr . Benny adopted him . .You mean he's not ours a

    VETWA : No .
         R NS:
    KE AARNS : Kiss me .

    (APPLAUSE & PLAYOFF)




k

    BA



                                                                                        R7}{ 0 9 0184 7 33
NATvICNAL .


JACK :4 I wi11 be back Sna minute to tell you about my television
              show which goes on iv¢oediateSy after this program on the

              CBS network with my guest stars, Mary Livingstone and Joan0
                                                                        .
              Benny, but first, here's the voice of PuLitzer-prize-winning

              cartoonist, Rube Goldberg :




PACIFIC COAST

JACK : I will be back in just e minute to tell you ebout my

              television show that goes on tonight at seven P .M . over the

      ' CBS network with my guest stars, Mary Livingstone and Joan

              Benny, but first, here's the voice of Pulitzer-prize-winning

              cartoonist, Rube Goldberg :




 DH



                                                       8   TX01 01   8   4734
THS                                                JACK             BEC]NY             PROGRAM                                           -0-
FEBRUAY7,1954C_
                ;,NiSn. G CoDI MERCiA, 6(Ii~EN)

                                            EN)
                                           :: Jack will be back in just a minute . But first,

                                          .) here's the voioe of Politzer-prise-winning cartoonist,
(24 Sec
                                                    Rube Goldberg!

RUBE H1 folks . I've learned that what some people think is
GOLDRERG
(TO~Dtm) funny, others don't think is so hot . ,


                                                    It's all a       matter   of taste .   And   taste applies to a lot

                                                  . of things inaluding cigarettes . To me, Luckies taste

                                                    better,      and taste    ie what I'm looking for and I always
                                                    find   it when I smoke a Lucky . Now when I buy                                          my   Luckies,
                                                    if   you'd     pardon this   terrible    pun, I buy 'em by the cartoon .
WILSON :
 (LIVE) Thanks, Rube                                                  Goldberg .    Smoking en j oyment ia all a matter
                                                    of   taste .    And the fact of-the metter           is                            -- Luckies taste
                                                  . better . Cleaner, fresher,             smoother .


                                                                                                  .       Luckiesombythre asfortwens
                                                                                                        First,                            they're made
                                                    of fine tobacco . The whole world knows -- I8/MFL' -- Luoky

                                                    Strike means fine tobacco . Then -- Luckies are actually

                                                    made better to taste better . . . Made round and firm and-

                                                    fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . So, for a

                                                    better tasting cigarette, Be Happy -- Go Lucky -- buy a

                                                    carton .

COLISNS ; Luckies taste better!                                                                                                                              ..
CHORiA : Cleaner, Fresher, Smocther!

                                                    Lucky Strike :        Lucky            Strike!                                       -




BA




                                                                                                                                       RT}S07 0184735
y- (TAG)
                                                                                                                                            -2)-


    JACK : Ladles and gentlemen, as I mentioned before, tonight I em

                           doing another television show and my guest etars will be Mary Livingstone, who as you know is really my wife

                                                                                                                                          . .end

                           Joan Benny,              who      is     really our daughter. . .Gee, if I                                     had had


                           a   blgger family, I wouldn ' t have hed                                       to hire any               actors at
                                 w<w4 J .'
                           all . . . Goodnight               folks .
    (APPIAIISE) DON

                      : The Jack Benny Show tonight wae written by Milt Josefsberg,

                           John Taokaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced ard

                           transcribed               by    Hilliard           Marks .

                           The Jack           Benny         Program          was     brought to you by Iucky Strike

                            product of the                 American Tobacco Company                               . . . America , s

                            leading manufacturer of                            cigarettes .




    MG




                                                                                                            RTi{01 0184736
                    THE AMERICAN TOH4CC0 CCMPANY

                           . UJCKY   STRIKE


                       TRE JACK BIIW PROGRAM


                             a

ai7NDAx . FFSRUatrt 14 .    1954        CBS       4 :00 - 4 :3o   PM PST


                           ('TRAN80RIBID FFBRIIARY 10, 1954)




                                                          Nrxo     I   0 aa. a
                                                                           1   ?   ?
                       THE AMERICAR   TOBACCO             COMPANY              -A-

                       "THE JACK BII7NY   PROGRAM"           #23

                              FbBRUARY 14, 1954

7 :00-7 :30 PM   EST
CPPNIN6 COMMFRCIAI.
WILSON :     THE JACK B&NNY PRCGRAM . . . transcribed and                  presented

             by LUCKY STRIILE!

COLLINS : Luckies taste better!

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother

           : Luckies taste better :             :COLINS

CHORUS : Cleaner,        Fresher,     Smoother!

             For Lucky Strike means fine                  tobacco

             Richer-tasting fine tobacco

COLLINS :    Luckies taste better!
CHORUS : Cledher, Fresher, Smoother! '

             Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike!                            .

WILSON : This is Don Wilson, frlenfls . . .After all is said and
             done, the reason you or anybody else smokes a

             cigarette can be summed up in one vord : enjoyment .
             And certainly the enjoyment you get depends entirely

             on the taste of a cigarette . Put i% this vay .

             Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . Well,
             the fact of the matter is Luckiea taste better .

             Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Here's vhy Luckies

              taste better . First, they're made of fine tobacco .


                                                                        (MORE)



BA




                                                                    prx   01   098473 8
THE JACK BINNY PROGRAM                                                  -B-
FF 3RUAHY 14, 1954                             .
OPENING COMMPRCIAL (CONT'D)- WIL90N

       : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- fine, naturally
  (CONT'D)
           mild, good-tasting tobacco . Second, Luckies are


                actually made better -- made round, firm, fully-packed
                -- to always draw      freely       and smoke evenly . Yes, fine

                tobacco in a better made cigarette gives you better .
                taste, every single time . After all,            smoking enjoyment


                is ali a mat ~ er of taste . Andthe fact of the matter

                is   Luckies taste better . You'll know that's true the
                minute you light up a Lucky . go next            time   you're
                shopping      for cigarettes       get the carton with the red
                bullseye -- Lucky Strike!


COLLINS : Luckies taste better!
CNOAUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother!

               Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike!




BA




                                                               prx0     1   0 e
                                                                              1   4?39
                                                           _1_
(F1RST   ROUTINE)


(AFTER COMMECIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN

                 .lPRIISE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITK
     : THE IACKY °                 )DON

             MARY LIVINGSTON,   ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY,     AND


             "YOURS TRULY" DON WIISON .

(APPIAUSE . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN )
DON : IADIES        AND   GFNTLFMbN . .TODAY, FEBRUARY BOURTEFNTH IS

             VALENTTNES DAY . . AW IT )~ALSO T}IC Blfi`~Y~NE STAR
                                                  • KINEME rBENNY .
             OF OUR SF OW . . 30 HkAE BE ISq . .JAC~~4•
(APPLAUSE)


JACK : Thank you, thank you, thank you . .Bello again, this to

             Jack Benny talking . .And Don, that was very nice of you

             to remember my b3rtkYlay . . .Bow dId you ever think of It ?

DON : Well Jack, a strange thing happened last night . . .I ate

             at that Chinese restaurant ! you recommended .

JACK : Uh huh .

DON : And I broke open one of those rice fortune cakes .

JACK : Uh huh .
DON : MOPNOW .pnd MWlittle paper said, "Tis Better to

             give than to receive and Sunday is Jack Benny' s

                 .
         Bir 8y      .Q
      : 4K . . .What did you bring me for a present, Don ?
                        .JACK
DON : Well, it was too late to go shopping, so I brought you a

             pocket full of fried rice .

JACK : 4W . . no late to go shopping . .I told you to have

             lunch there . .not dinner . . . .Anyway, Don, I'11 take the

             rice, there's a friend of mine getting marriei

             Wednesday

                  .DON
     : Jack, you can't throw this rice, it's fried .

BA



                                                    pTX01 0 18 474 0
                                                                                                           ~
      JACK :                      So ' s m y   friend,                                     ~
                                                         it ' s Remley . . .Anyway,l thanka very much .
     DON :                       We11 . . .Anyway, Jack, getting back to your birthday . .

                                    tell me, how does it feel being a year older?
      JACK :                     Don . .I don't know . .it seems strange to advance another

                                    year, but then on the other hand, there's something

                                    exciting about reaching forty,,, .,Yes sirjA .,..
     DON : 4M, Jack, you may be forty, but I must 6ay you look

                 much younger . Q
              ,    ?'      ^
     JACK :, .,~,Don,jftle nice of you to say that .,,but let's face it . .

                                    my age is beginning to show,,,a little wrinkle here,
                                    a gray hair there .     . . .   Mh,,time marches on, . .Now let ' s
                              ~, get on with the program
                                                             .DCN
                        :.~-.: .~ Yfait a minute, Jack . . .before we get into the show . . .3Xb
                                    got a little surprise, for you

F                             : A surprise, Don?                                   .JACK

    DON : Yeafay the whole audience is_gonna                                                           j   oin in, .ALL RIGf£P,
                                    ]aYH2YBODY .7 51@01011180W. .
                                  : (SING)     HAPPY   BIRTHDAY TO YOU                     .AUDIFNCE

                                                       BIRTHDAY             HAPY
                                                                    TO YOU ..

                                               HAPPY   BIRTHDAY, JACK BINNP
                                               HAPPY   BIRTHDAY     TO YOU .                                  -
      (APPI AUSE) JACK
                              :}'%L7~ Thank you,,,thanlcsT,C e e ybody . .thanks very much .

    DON :Wasn'thice,Jak?ACK

                              : Yes, very nice, Don . .,but .,,er . . .but . . .er .
    DON : But what?

     JACK : Well, I was watching one fellow sitting in the front

                                    row and he didn't sing at a11 . .,As a matter of fact,

                                    he had a frown on his face . . .and I'm just curlous to

                                    know wk{y . . .OB MISTFR . . .MI3TPR . . .                         .




                                                                                           Rrx 1             0     0164741
                                                                      -3-
  MEL :          ~
                (WAY~ OFF) ME?
  JACK :     YI~~:^.~ .WOUID YOU MIND COMING UP IIIEE ON TNE STAGE FOR A
             MINUTE?

  MEL :         (WAY OFF) OKAY .

                     (SOUND : FOUR   LOUD   FOOTSTEPS UP STEPS)
  JACK :     Nov look, Miater . .Mieter --

  MEL :     Fink . .F, I, N, Q, U, E . .Fink .
  JACK :     Oh . .oh . . .Well, Mr . Fink, I'm   just   curious   to know . . .You
            were the only one who didn't sing "Bappy Birthday" to
             me . .Why was that?
 MEL : Do you sing to me on my birth3ay?

 JACK :    No . .no . .but then hov can I? . :I don't even know vhen your

            birtkYiay is .

 MEL : It's December/24~t`h".' . .and all you hear people singing

             is (SINGS) JINGLES BEsCdB . .JINGLE BEGL9 . .JINGLE ALL TNE

  .        i. . .Not one word about Fink .

 JACK : Well, that's too bad . . .Nov look, Mister Fink .

 MEL : F, I, N, Q, U, E .

 JACK : J~7 I know, I know .

 MEL : That's French .

 JACK : Yes, yes .

 MEL : In Paris it's Finkay .
'N&:T7 ,y .,,
     .           nna. :                           ~ .
                                                   .~
 J CK : ~I 86 care what it is . .all I wantlmow is if you've

            got this chip on your shoulder . .vhy did you come in
            here in the first place?
 MEL : Who vanted to come in? . . .I was standing in line for the

            Amos 'n' Andy Shou and some guy come over and~to~ld me
                 . .,.rc.+-.
            they    -MOW   giving away   refrigerators    in here .
 BA




                                                          Rrx   01    0 e   1   4?42
                                                                                   -4-

JACK : Giving away refrigerators?

MII, : In radio a program's either gotta give you entertainment
         or a refrigerator, now where's,my 1ce-box?

JACK : You're not getting an icebox so go sit down .
MEL : Okay okay . . .(GGhS OFF MUMBLING) Twelve programs this

         week,amt I stlll ain-~ g t a stick of furniture .
                          ~,. t"~, .,.
JACK : Keep ug iet, lp eas8 ) . .sDon, regardless of what           just

                                                                               q
         happened, I         enommommoMME01p~       -



D - Hello, Mary .               .
MARY :     ilo, Jack, Happy Birthday .

JACK :   Well, thank you, Mary . . .It wae         awfully   eat   of you to
         remembe r      t.
MARY :   Well, Jack, must confess that forgot all about your
         birthday, but a            trange thi     happened . Remember at
         rehearsal      yesterd       when        said I looked like I was
         gaining weight?                                ~
JACK :   Yes .
MARY :   Well . . .after re          sal as      went through the lobby of
         C .B .S ., I ate           on the scal to weigh myself .
JACK : Uh huh .
MARY : And a a came out saying, "You we h a hudxed and

         twelve unds, you are kind to dogs, tomorrow is

         Jac Benny~s Birtkxiqp ."



MARY : /I couldn-t believe it either . . .So I put in ailother penn,y

         and a card came out that said, "Don ' t stand he\e , all day,
         you I ve got    shopping     to do ."                             .
MG




                                                            AT 9 01 0184743
                                                                                                      -5-

    W   JACK : Gh . .,Well, did you do it?                                        .

i       MARY : Yes, it'll be delivered to your .home .

        JACK : Good, good . . .You know, Mary, it's funqy how a person feels
                                     on occasion like this . . .Gosh, you become forty nd

                                     all o a sudden you feel so mature and philoso oal .

        MARY : I know, ad your article in Colliers Mag ine .
        JACK : Oh, yes . . .I ote that myself . .I called "HOw it Feela
3                                    To Approach Fo ty ."

        DON : Say, I saw that sue, Jack . .That's he one where they
                                     have your picture the coverho ing a big birthday

                                     cake .

        JACK : That ' s right, Don . .and ince t                        came   out, I've had so

                                     many people   calling   me t souss that article .

        DON :                        Well, I wanted to ask y omething,         too .


        JACK :Howitfelsaprohfy?DON
                          : No, where can I get hands n a cake like that?

        JACK : Just what I expe ed from a approaching fifty--around

                                     the waist .

        MARY : Seriously, J , there is somet ng I                               wanted   to ask       you .


        JACK : What is it, ary?
        MARY : Well, many ears ago you were in v eville, weren't you?

        JACK : Yes .

        MARY : And times you were on the same ill with P7ddie

                                     Cantor

        JACK : Yes y s, I was .

        MARY : And at that time you and Cantor were the same age, weren't
                                     you?

        JACK : Uh huh .
        MG




                                                                               Nrxo      1   01   e   474     4
                                                                                      -6-

MARY : Well, Jack . . .today Eddie Cantor admits that he's over

         fifty . .Now come you're only forty?

JACK :   Oh, I don't know. .juet lucky, I guess . . .Anywey, Mary, . .

         now that I'm approaching middle age, I'11                        e to slow
                                                                    Ppl
         do the mad social whirl and out down night life a


MARY :   Some nigh       life . .You have a hamburg6r at a drive-in . . .
                                                                                            4
         squeeze the                                       her a nickel tip . . .and
         then run home                                   waxd Nughes .
JACK :   (MOCKING)       Howasd         'aghes, No~ 'sxd Hughea . . .5ome joke . . .
         Mary, if you're so spart,                 t meask you a question . . .If
         I was born in 1914, h                  d would I be today?
MEL :    (CFF)       DON'T   AN3Wa^12    ID    SISTEft, EE AIN'T GIVING AWAY
         NQPHIN' .

JACK :   YCU KEEP Q1T OF THI

MARY :   Who'e that?

JACK :   Some guy named F
MEL :    (CFF) F, I, N, Q, U, E .
JACK :   I   KNOW,    I KN     . .Don't pay any atte4tion to him, Mary . . .
         There's one           every audience .

MARY :   By the way,         ack, my mother wanted to end you a birth9ay
         card,     but        didn't know your address, so she sent it
         to me .
JACK :   Your mot




MG




                                                                arxo     1   01   e   4745
                                                                                                       -7-

       MARY : Yes, ' 1 read it to you .

                               "CON IATION4 . . .
                               IT'S WO 0 BE FOA'1'Y, JACK,

                               I'VE BEEN TNQtE AND

                               I'M CCMIN' BACK
            : (IAUGffiNG)            Say,        .JACK
                                            that's       a   cute .   .
       MARY : Mema has a wonderfu ense of humor .

+7 ( JACK : Yeah . . .remembe he time she painted an extra t                                  on
                  your una]Crs foot and he thought he had seven?                      .. . S
                               ome of the . . . Oh, o nnis . .You're just in

                  time for your song .
       DENNI,I'da been here sooner but on the way down I had to stop

                  off at our family dootor's office and punch him in the
                  nose .
       JACK : You punched your doctor in the nose?

       DENNIS :   He had it coming, my mother told me what he did .                                .
       JACK : W t?
        DENNIS~gl an       I    vas born, for no reason at all, he              slapped       me .
       JACK : Dennis . . .
       nF.NNiS- Grcl mv hnr.lr vue +nm.nA
                                                         Y~A ~Lql
       JACK : Dennis . .never mind thaty;°.len'e have your song .

       DENNIS : Okay, Mr . Benqv . .but first . .congratulations on your

                  birthday .

       JACK : (SWEETLY) Oh. .well, it's awfully sweet of you to remember

                  it, kid .
       DENNIS : I never would've thought of it if you hadn't given me

                  that ticket to the burlesque show last night .
       JACK : Never mind, Dennis .

       MG




                                                                          R   1,801   0 e 1     4746
                                                                                              -a-
X   DON : What did the                             burlesque       show have to do with-it?

    DENMS : Well, a girl came out to do a dance„her bubble broke,

                              and a sign fell out saying, "Sunday is Jack Benny's

                              Birttelay ."

    JACK : Den is - DEN IS
                             : You muat be popular, .what applause you got .                  '

    JACK : All right, all right .
    DENNIS :                    They          whistled                   and   everything,          p

    JACK : Dennis . .                                                                          .

    DENNIS : What a fuss over a man's birthdqy .

    JACK : nnis, you found out it was mp birthday, that's all that
                              matters . Now come on, let's have your song .

    DENNIS ;                  Ckay . . .(MUMffiZS) Oee, .when I!m forty, I hope I don ' t look
                              like him

    JACK :                               . What did you say?




    JACK : Hold it a minute, Dennis . . .CCt4E IN .

                                      (SCUND :

                    "-1 Benny?
    RUBIN :          Mr .

    JACK : Yes .

    RUBIN : Mr . Benny, I'm the usher here at C .B .S anrl I came

                              here to tell y that you twelve thousand birttrlay

                              cards   in t lobby .

    JACK : No :

    RUBIN : Yea)3 ; they- re not selling, would you please tBlq_ - em home?

                                      (SWND :           DOOR     SLAM)
                              Hm . .Go ahead and inc4-Benrds .

     (APPLAUSE)
     (DEPII4IS I S SONG -- "SECBEP                             LOVE")

     (APPLAUSE)
    Mr.


                                                                                 Ri 8 01 0184747
X      JACK :        Thet vaa/Y'Secret Love" sung by Ibnnis IBy , . . r
                     very good, Dennis . . . that was wonderful .
       DENNIS :      Congratulations on your birthday .                            .
       JACK :        .i e nnis, you congratulated me          already,    forget it .
       DENNIS :      I tried, but I can't get that , bubble dencer out of my
                    mind .
       JACK : Force yourself . . .            31MIMM           --
    a IEDINIS : You know, IM . Benny, it must be nice to have your

                    birthday come on Valentlne'e Iby .

       JACK : Yes, kid, but there's only one thing egainet it, . .y18o~~

                    many famous people were born in the month of Februery . . . ,
                    Longfellow . . . Lincoln . . . WeBhington . .~t mekes it .

                    hard for me to be-outstanding . .                .       -
       DENNIS :     I can imegine

       JACK :              I don't
                  'courae ;Af.~a             went   you      to think     for     a minute that


                             ~yiy sel to
                    I'm comparingself f a man like Waehington . .                         .
       DENNIS :   Why   not?                  wore    a      wig, too .
       JACK : Very clever,         very clever       . . .     Did you mekeup that             j


                                                                                                   okeyurslf,Dni?

       7ENIPSS : IIh huh .

       JACK : And you like          that   type of     joke?


       DENNIS :         ;;
                    Yesie . I thought      it was    very fu
       JACK :

                                (SCUND: FWR FOOR578PS . . .RECEIVER UP . . .

                                 DIALTIR})
       JACK : Hello,         Kenny Baker?     . . . Come home, ell           is   forgiven .
                                (SCUND : RECENEH I:OWN)




       CL



                                                                        ar   90    1   0164748
                                                                                    -10-

JACK : You better             watch   it,   Dennis . . .       Another gag like that
               and you'11 only have one                 show   . . . and another thing --
BOB :          Say,   Jack . .

JACK :'~g'q Yes, Bob .
BOB :~7Yf~;,1,oX didn't went to interrupt anything, but I've got a

               little present for you from the boys in the band

                                                           .JACK
        : Well, this is ree l too much . . . to think that the

               boys in your iSd would remember my birthday . . . I

               mean with all their other wor ies and resnonsibilities .
BOB : Well, Remley wea the one

        : (Yf~~ Remley, eh?                     .JACK
BOB : VIMMM funny thing happened . . . Lest night Frenkie

               was in a bar end he happened to look vp end he sew

               e little sign that said, "Tomorrow is Jeck Benny's

               birthday ."

DON :      Bob . . . that was written on the ceiling?

BOB : No, under the table .

JACK : I put it there on              purpose .           I knew he'd sQa it .
BOB : Anyway, Jack, all the boys chipped in,o~,•t•hXe-y eppointed

               Begby the piano player to go out end buy you a plague,

               and they asked me to present St,to,You                   . . . So Jack,

               on behalf of the bays in theaw4wM16 here you eme .

JACK :     yWZ.e~llu,~ that's very nice of them . . . Gee, it's a fancy

                      too . Let me read the inscription . . . "To Herman
               Heffelfinger . . . Champion Bowler . . . Anthrecite Miners

               Tournament ." . . . Bob, what's the matt r with Begby?

               Why would he get me a plaque like QIW
WA




                                                                    aruo   1   0   1947   4   9
XBCB :         /
              7 11A   iYOU don't bave much        choice   when you    deal     with    a    eecond-
-   story              man .

     JACK :    WaitjOINM . . . You mean Charlie buys stolen
                      merchandise?

    BOB :             Sometimes he buys, aometimes he              sells .


     JACK : , YAiss I p can't understend Bagby . There are

                      so many decent, honest businesamen around                     . . . ahy

                      does Charlie have 0o buy from e burglar?

     BOB :            He gives Green Sta mp s .

     JACK :                                            _
                   #/. . . . Well Bob, I'm not accepting a hot                        laque . _

      OB :            But Jack, if you give it beck, the boys'11 be insulte

     JAWell, I'm not keeping it .

     DON :~ Bob, I don't like to butt in, but Jack's righ                                   ebout

                      that gift .        What's   the   matter   with the b           in the

                      bb d? Why would they get him a                         like    that?

     BOB :            Well,~ n, I'm sure the boys we                  d to do better . . .

                      but they on't have too muq                   ney lately . You know,

                       they've been~\helping o            8909 .

     JACK :           Sammy    the drunnie " ~

     BOB :            Yeah, he's reel,         t]own and out . Why, he's so broke
                                                 ~
                      he   can't    ev     afford'ad drum to practice on at home .

     JACK :           Gee,    the        s sheme . . . \ I better    talk    to him .

     BOB :            Well,     ot now, Jack . He tirought his 13-year-old son

                       d                              S
                              here today . . That's h \n~over there in the wings .

     JACK : asmy's son? Which one? \
     BBB : That kid on the right . . . the bald-headed one .
     JACKV Oh yes, there is a resemblance . . . they both have that

                       same reflection . . . But Bob, you say the kid's only

                       thirteen years o1d . . .Hou can he be completely bald

                       already?




                                                                        AT 9 01 0184 ? 50
                                                                 -12-




IENNIS :       Happy birthday, Nr• Benny .

JACK :         Huh?

IENMS :        That bubble dancer is      driving me nuts .


JACK :          Dennis, go sit down . . . Now Jet's get on with the

                program .

DON : Ztk,Sey Jack, before you go any further, I think it's

                time for a song by the quartet .

JACK : Ch yes, that's right . . . are the Sportsmen here?

DCN :      Yes . . . COME ON IN, FTLLOJS . . .Now Jack, thelW boys

                went to dedicate this number to you on the happy

                occasion of your birthday because this songkfe been

                aesociated with you for years .

JACK :      We1 j , tyiat's very nice,      ton .


DON : And~~th~e'r'e'e a part in it where you play the violin . . .
                right at the opening .

JACK : Oh, bon, do I have to?

DON :       No .

JACK : , Well, I'm going to, it's my birthday . . . Now wait till

                I get the music stand up here . . .Sey, Bob, can I get

                aviolnfrmethboysined?BO

     :    .~'i-~ I don't know about a violin, but Begby will make you

                a good deal on a hot Cadillac

         : I don't went that, I went a violin .
                                         .JACK


WA




                                                        AiY{01 0184?51
                                                                                 -13-

BOB : Well, the boys can get you a genuine gtradiverius
            next Thursdey .

JACK :    Thursday?                          ~                  .

BOB :    Yeah . Helfetz is playing here                  Wednesday .


JACK :       Oh, oh . . .Well,   I'll   ,juat take what the9've got . Larry,

             let me have     your   violin, w111 9ou? . . .Zhanks . . .Hin . . .

            What a geng in the          M   cheatra .   . . .   Wnen they say that

            Remley is la~piz7nq a_steel~guitar, you can take that
                             .a
            word either we9 .~A•hlµ•rig,ht, ibn, I'm reed Y . .40 take

             the openine;,




WA




                                                                    RT }S01 01 B47S2
JACK :                   (PLAYS        VIOLIN)
481ANT : Oh no, it isn't the                                                       breeze


                              It's you know who .                                            .

JACK :(VIOLN)QUART
                     :        Oh   no, it's not                        Isaac         Stern

                              It's you know who .
JACK :                        (VIOLIN)                                                               f

QUART :                  By   now      you              know                       itlta0100~

                              It's you know who .

                              Can it be the trees
                              That   fill    the breeze

                              With fragrance that we a11                                     like?         _

                              Oh no, it      isntt                     thebrzI's

                                     Lucky


                                              Strike When we stop to   tear and         then     compare


                              bo we find they'g~ alike
                                                  C e~^'
                              Oh no, there's aone iW compera

                              With   Lucky Strike .

                              Way down in          Kentucky


                              They planted e seed

                              It grew to a Lucky
                              Just to give you all that smoking pleasure

                              ISMPT, we all agree

                              Is smooth and so pleasant like

                              Oh   yes, the one smoke for me

                              Is Lxoky      Strike .


(APPL4U8E)
 WA




                                                                                                      RTYl01 01 B47S3
    (THIRD ROIIfINE)~~ A,,, .y~'.~ .                             -15-

    JACK :   Th7    wea          ~boye            . . Thanks bery much . . .
r
               You know, Don, ~ wsa nice of the quertet~--

                             (SOUND : KNOCP~ ON DOOR)
    JACK : Come in .

                             (SOUND : DOOR OPENS)

    RYAN : Telegram for Jack Be

    JACK : Here I am, bo~ ."M he~re'6 a t p for you .
                                                                                     4
    RYAN :     (EXC1Th'D) Oh, boy,        a dollarl       A whole doller! Thenke,

               Mr . Benny

                            . (SONND :   DOOR   CLOSES)

    JACK : I wonder who could be sending me a telegram right in

               the middle of my --

                             (SOi1ND : KNOCK ON     DOOR)


    JACK : Come in .
                             (SOUND :    DOOR OPENS)

    RYAN : Excuse me, Mr . Benny .
    JACK : Whet do you went now,IMIM

    RYAN : I forgot my bicycle .

    JACK : You didn't forget it, I bought                 It . . .   Now, good bye

                             (SODAID : DOOR SIBMS)

    JACK : I hate when a guy makes a deal and then tries to get
               out of it . . .

                   ~~ (SOT1ND : ENVEUJPE OPEN)

    JACK : Gee,/the telegram's from my sister Florence .

    DON : '~ What does she say?




    CL



                                                              Ar     901   0 e
                                                                            1    4?54
                                                                                           -16-

         JACK :           She says . . . '71FAR JACK . . .I'Vg BEEN LISTEN7SIG TO YOUR

                          PROGRAM ANO I THOUGHf I SHOUID SBlID YOU THIS WIRE
                          IMMEDIATBLY . . . YOU'RE NOT FORTY YEARS OID .TODAY . . .

                          YOU'RE ACTUALLY -- Oh no . . . no, this can't be . . .
                      ~,~0 this is ewful .
         BOB :      r1n~/~+- yJeck, how old does your     sister say   you are today?

     a   JACK :           Thirty-nine . . . Oh my goodness . . . this is embarrassing

                          . . . But my sister Florenoe ought to know . . . I guess

                          instead of being born in 3914, it was 191
         DENNIS :         But, Mr . Benny . . . how could you be born
                          You told me that in 1918 you were In the

         JACK :          WEIJ., OF COURSE I WAS IN THE NAVY,

                          A SIACKEH?
                         WELL, HCYI OID WIIiH YOU THBNy

                                      . THAT'S HOA OID,
                          THRKE : . H      OUiD Y

                          DON, DON'T ARG

                          UNIFORM A UP OFF
                                 /
                                 , IF YOU WERE ONLY

                                  POSSIBIE GSP IN THE NAVY?
         JACK : ( I OJNED A BATTIFSHIP AND ' Anvaac .                                 this i


                                                            . . 'm going to call

                          Rochester and have him look at my birth certificate .

                                        (SOUfm : FOUR STEPS)
         JACK :           (OVER    FOGfSTRPS) My      sister   Florence seys 'm thirty-

                          nine . . . and I think I'm forty . . . I5~-to find

                          out .
                                        (SOUND :    RECEIVER   UP . .CLICKINO . .FADE TO
Y-                                                  BU2ZING OF SWITCHBOAF    D   )


         r. :

                                                                       Ar   90   1   0184755
        HEA : .      Say, Mable?                            .
        SHIRIEY :    What is it, Gertrude?
        BEA :        Mr . Benny's line is         flashing .


        SHIR7EY :    Yeah, I    wonder    what Colliers Cover Girl vents now .
        BEA :        I'll     plug in and      find out .                                          .

                                   (SOUND :      PLUG                         IN)                      -
        BFJ+ :       YeB, Mr . Benny . I'11 call your house ivmedietely .                                     +7
                                   (SOUND : PLDC OIIP)                        .
        BEA :        He wants I should get him                  Rochester .


        SHIRIEY :    Well, be nice to him . . . you know todey's                      his birthday .


          .A
        HF :         It is? How did ypg find out? .

        SHIRUs^r :   Dial cnaICx 5-900 .
                          J
    `   BEA : ~      But~e.•~

        SHIRIEY :    Dial,    diel ,     //

~       BEA :        Okay .


                                   (soOCm : RECEIVER UP . .DIALING UL 8-900 . . .

                                                 BDZZ AND CLICK)
        JENNY :      (FILTSR)      The   time is four .,,tventy-one and ten                       seconds .


                                   (SOUND :      TIME TO NE        BEEP)


        JENNY :      (FILTER) And today is           Jack         Benny's birthday .,         .    The

                     time is four -- twenty-one and twenty                        seconds .


                                   (SOUND :      TIM6 TONE HEEP)
        JENNY :      (FILTER) His        shirt    eize is fifteen and e                half       ..   .


                     The time is --

                                   (SOUGID :     RECEIVER         DOdN)
        BEA : How do you like that . . . Imagine Benny heving his

                     birthday announced on the telephone .How does he get
                     away                     with                     it?                -


        CL


                                                                           RT }i01 0184T56
                                                                                                                          -18-

 SHIRIEY : He used to be a personal friend of Alexender Graham

                                               Bell .
 BEA : Gee, with all the advertising, he must be getting a lot
                                                          of gifts .

 SHIRLEY : I cen imegine .                                                        What   did you seM him?
 BEA : A beautiful                                                           calfskin    glove .

4 gilRIE4 : One glove? Why in the world vould you give him only
                                                          one glove?
 BEA : That's all he needs . . . He never takes his right hand

                                                          out of his pocket .
 SHIRIEY : Very true, . Say, Gertrude, can you give mea, lift

                                               hometnig?-BEA

      : I gues eo, what's wrong? SHIRIEY

                                           : I've got another flat tire .                                      .
 BEA : Gee, you've been having more trouble with that

                                               motorcycle
                                           : Yeah ..SHIRTsY                         -

                                                                            (SOWfID : CLICKIPR3 OF RECEIVER)
 JACK : Operator . . . .

                                                                            (SOUbID : CLICKING)

 JACK :                                                        Operator . .Gertrude . . . get   me my home .
 BEA : I'm trying, I'm trying . . .You know, Rome wean't built

                                                               in a day .

 JACK : Well, you ought to know, you helped build it .

 BEA : Well, thank you Julius Caesar .

 JACK : Never mind . . .Now please ring my home .

 BEA : Okay, okey, I'm ringing it .


 CL




                                                                                                           Ri 90 1   0   184757
                                                                                                                                 -19-

    JACK :                                     Hm . . .smart sleck Gertrude . . . She takes you out for

    . ditmer once)ift she thinks she owns you . . . Oh well .

                                                                 (SODfm :CLIK)ROH

                                      :        MR . BENNY'S REBIDENCE . .STAR OF STAGE, %+DIO, TEIEVIBION

.                                         .        AND   SIIENP PICTLIIiFB .                              .
    JACK : Rochester . . . it ' s rns

                                                               .ROCH
                                      : OH OH OH OH . . . HEISA, BOSS                                                                       A

                                      : What took you so long to                                  .JACK
                                                                                                answer          the   phone?


    ROCH : WELL, T®AY'8 YOCR BIRTFIDAY AND I WAS Oi7T IN THg

                                                   KIT HEN FINISHINI YOUR CAKB .
    JAC$i 6 ~ A ce e4~1^ '" `~ ROCH
                                      :       Y8AH4 .~'-Y0D OWEPA SFig IT, BOSS . . .ACROB.S THg TOP IN

                                                   WHIPPED CREAM, . I               WROTE   "fIAPPY BIRTHINY" .
    JACK :                                    lE,       that ' a       nice,          Rochester .
    ROCH : BY THg WAY, HC4i MANY "P'S" IN HAPPYR

    JACK :                                    Two .

                                      :       OH-OH ..-ROCH                                 .
    JACK :                             0-/-,       So   you'll   have to add one .
    ROCH : I'VE G01'TA TAKg ONE OFF, I'VE GGf                                                                    THREE .
      ~
    JAC                               You can do that leter . . . Now                                         Rochester, here's why     I

                                                   called you . . . I don't know what to do . . .I thought today
                                                   was my fortieth birthday . . .but                           I just   got a wire from

                                                   my sister and she eaye I'm thirty-nine . .

    ROCH : WELL, DON'T ARGUE W1TH HER, BOSS, GRAB
     JACK : Rochr, I've got to be honest with myself . . .Now I

                                                   went you to look at my birth certificate and tell me

                                                   the date on it .                                                        .




    CL


                                                                                                                  arx    01    0184758
                                                                                                      -20-
ROCH :YOURBITHCEFA?JK

                   : Yes, do you know where it is?
ROCH :                  IT I S    RIGHT   HHRH ON THE DSSK .
JACK : What's my birth certificate doing on the desk?

ROCH : YOU GG1 IT OUt THE OTHER DAY WHEN YOU APPLIED FOR YOT19

                          OLD AGE PENSION . -

WACK :                           I just   did that for       a   gag .         .Oh,
ROCH :                    WHLL, THEY MUST         BE   LAUGHING, YOLIIi FIR3f           CHECK   CAME
                          TODAY .


JACK :                    Rochester, stop making            things       up . . .Now   look   at my birt}
                          certificate .
ROCH : I'M L00KING AT IT .                                                -                           .

JACK : Now in the space where it says 'bate of Birth" . . .
                          whet's there?
ROCH ;                    A HOIS
                  :     A   hole    .JACK
                                    in the    paper?                           .
ROCH :                  YF.AH, WE SRASEO IT ONCE            M      OFTSti
                  :     Oh . . .     Well    then there's nothing .JACK I can do . . .              and I'll


                          have to take my         sister's   word for it .

ROCH :                    I GUESS SO, BOSS . . .YOUR ~S~IS~TER MU9t' BE RIGHP .
JACK :                    Yep i .i~'m hirty-nine "Coalbye, Rochester .
ROCH :                    GOODBYE . . . CH SAY, BOSS . . . H66 HEE HBg HER .

JACK :                    What?
ROCH :                    AREN'T WE DEVIIS?
JACK :                    You and Me?
ROCH :                    NO,    ME AN[) YOZR SISTII2 .
JACK : Yeah, yeah . . . Goodbye, Rochater .

                           . (SOUPII7 :                RECEIVER    MIAN)
 (APPLAUSE AND              PLAYOFF)          .         .




                                                                               prrc    01     0 e
                                                                                                1    4?59
CLOSINC C0 MMEFiC ~                       .           .   . .                                                  .

              95-CWI30N
       : Jack wiil be back in just a minute, but first a word to
             cigarette smokers .

COLLINS :    Luckles    taste   better!                                                                                                       .
CHCRUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother!

        : Luckies       taste   better!                                                             .CLINS              .
CHORUS : Cleaner, Freeher,Smoother!

                                                           . For Lucky Strike m ans fine tobac o!

 . Richer-tasting fine tobacoo
COLLINS :    Luckies taste better!

CHORUS :    Cleaner,    Fresher, Smoother!
             Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike!                                                                                                          .
WIISCN : You know, you can count on AmericanCollege .students to

             know a good thing when they eee it . A survey made                                                                         in


             1952 of smokers Sn leading colleges ehowed                                                             that             Luckies
                                                                                                                                           s


             were the   favorites    in those colleges, . Well, lest                                                                   year


             another survey was made . It was natlon-wlde, supervised

             by   college   professors, end representetivef of                                                                  all


             students    in   regular colleges fromaoest to coast .                                                                    Based


             on thirty-one      thousand actual      student                                                 interviews,               the

             survey    shows that c s] .ead a¢ein! Leed over ell

             other    brands, regular         or kingsize and by                                                   a wide            margin .
             Luckies f better taste was the reeson given most often .

             Wben you come right down to it smoking ensoyment is all a
             matter of taste -- and the fact of the matter                                                                      is    .. .    .

              uok es    taste   better,                                                                                     .


                                    (MORE)


CL




                                                                                                    Hrx            01       0194760
                                                                          D-
1    CLOSINGF~            ( CONTI       )              .              .
                                    D

      WILSON : Taste better because they're made of fine tobacco .
       (CONTID)
                 Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . And then, Luckies

                   ere made better . . . So make that.next carton Lucky
                   Strike, the   cigarette   that tastes   better .




       SPORTSMEN                                   0
      QUARTET :    Be Happy --   Go Lucky


       (LW`G CLOSE) Get   better    teste today!




       CL

-4




                                                              RTX01 016 4 761
. }   ALLOCATION                          -                                         -2
                                                                                         1_
      F~ix 14 1954
      [Transcr e .      10,   1954)                                       .   .

      JACK :   Ladies    and gentlemen, I ' m not the only one who t e

               celebrating      a birthday . . Last week, more than three

               million, three hundred           thousand        Scouts    and     Iseders of
               the   Boy 9coutsof Americe hed               a    candle-lighting job
               on their hands . It was the           beginning           of Boy Scout
               Week, and these        Scouts    edded the 44th candle to their
               birthday ceke . . . candles that through the years hav3

               lighted boyhood ' s path to manhood, brightening the way

               with fun and fellowehip,guiding boys to a future of
               good citizenship . And ladies and gentlemen                         today's    .
               Scouts   are tomorrow ' s       citizens .


               Thank you .


               (APPLAUSE)




      CL




                                                                  Arx    01       01   e   4?62
                                                                                             -22-
(TAG )

                                (SOUND :     FCC2STBPS)                             .
JACK : Come on, Don, the car ' a right around the corner . 2 ' 11 t

              drive            you home .

DON :         Ckay,JAK
        : You know, Don, that                       was a   pretty good progrsm va          just


              did, but I think -- U                                                     .

MEL : HEy, SENNY . . . HENNY . .,                                               .

                                (SOUND :     FCCT3PBPS      STOP)


JACK :     Huh?                Oh,    it ' s you,   Mr .   Fink .         -

MEL : Yeah )~Idonft you know some program I can go on and

              win a refrigerator? - , -                                     .       .
JACK : ~o, Ldon't . . . Com9 on, Don .                              .

MEL :     Well,               I t m gonna gat       a refrigerator      even Sf I have to

              buy one .
JACK : Well, I don't care M-- Buy one? . . . Get in the oar,

                         MisterT*:^~' Goodnight, folks .

(APPLAUSE   AND            PLAYOFF)




CL




                                                                         RiY{01 01          13   47E3
                                                                                                                             -23-
DON : The Jack Benny                                                              Show   tonight   was   tmitten by Sam Perrin,
         M11t Josefeberg, George Balr.er, John Taokaberry, Hal

         Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks

                                                                              .                .    .



         The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky

         Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . .
         Americafs leading manufacturer of cigarettes .




                                                                                               k




CL




                                                                                                              N7 8 01 0184764
                                                      . PRa6RAM //24
                                                         RfiVISID SCRIPT -



                 TNB AMBRICAN TOBACCO CCMPANY

                         LTR)KY STRIRE

                   T}ff; JACK BENNY PRCGAAM



                                         a
SUNDAY,   FIDRINNY 21, 1954 CBS              4 :oo    -. 4 :30 PM   PST


                  (TnANSCNIgso FfiaztunxY 4,         1954)




s
BA




                                                         RT}S01 0184765
    OPENING CO1+lh'ERCIAL                                                             -A-
    'tjiF. AMEWT . N Tp$A A                 .0 .
    "T@E A K R]_NY PRO_(3jNM" _ t2A
    F£BRUARY 21 . 1954

    WIL9ON :    THE JACK BESNNY PROGRAM •• . transcribed and presented by
                7JJCKY STBII{t :                                             .                      .
    CGLLINS : Luckies taste bettert                               . .

    CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, 3mootherf

    COLLINS :                          Luckles       taste        bettert        -

    CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert

                For Lucky Strike                      means   fine tobacco

                Richer-testing fine tobacco

    COLLINS : Luckies taste                        betterl


    CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootherl                                         ..             .

                LuckyStriel k-WILSON

~          : This is Don Wilson, friends, Hopdo you feel about it7

                Isn't smoking enjoyment the main thing you went from your

                cigarette? Well, just remember this . Smoking enjoyment

                is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is

                Luckies taste better . Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother . Now

                freshness is especially important -- and you'll be glad to

                knou that every pack of Lucky Strike is extra tightly

                sealed to bring you Lickies' better taste in all its

                natural freshness . Light up a Lucky and see for yourself

                how much fresher, bow muah better it does taste . Luckies

                just have to taste better . In the first place they're made

                with fine tobacco . . . fine, naturally mild, good testing

                tobacco .
                                             (MCHE)




                                                                             RTXO1 01       8   47 6 6
OPENING       2n   SAL       (~CONT'D)               '     _B_
       R1TO

WILSON :      Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Secondly, Luckies are
 (CONT , D)
              mede better -- made round and firm and fully pecked to

              draw freely and emoke evenly . A11 this means better

              taste . Yea, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste .

              And-the fact of the matter is .Luckies taste better . So

              Be Happy -- Go Lucky . Get better taste and get it fresh

              with Lucky Strike .           . A

SPORISMEN
Q~N`G~' :                                                               .
CLOSE) Be Happy -- Go Lucky
              Get     better        taste         todayt        ,




DH




                                                     Arx   01   0 e 1       4?6?
(FmST      ROUTINE)                                                                                      -i-
(AFPER COM NE RCIAL ,                        MUSIC      UP AND Dd7N)
DON :         THE                 LUCRY 81'RIRB PROt3RAM, HPARRIN3 JACK BENNY . . .WITH

              MARY ISVINOSTON6 , ROCYD;°'1'ffit ,                                     DENNIS        DAY, BOB CROSBY,

              AND "Y09RS TRDLY" DON W17.SON . .                                             .                    .            .         .
(APPLAOSE . . .MOSIC AP AND DCIiN)                                        .
                                  .DON
     : IADI&S AND OENPI& W . . .TONIOHP JACK BSHNY AND                                                                   HIS


              BNPIRS                 CAST      IBAVS FOfi          NE   4 YORK .WH6E8 TI EAM ttd, DO
              ONE T , SION AND Tv70 RADIO SHCk18 . .AS WE                                                 LO    OK IN ON

              JACK'S                 19Q        IN BEYIItLY HILSB, ROCHBSTER IS TAffiN6

              CARF OF THB PACKCQi}                             FOR TEE            TRIP .

ROCH :        . . .NO+1 IST3 *                     SZ   B IF SV&H4T!@if}' S PACK® . . .SLIPP E L9 : . ._
              SMOKIIiO JACREP ...SII%ROBB . . .ONB FULL DRSB .S 9U1T . .
              DINNER                 JAClO3T . . .T+IOTW®OS . .~.SII% BCARF . . .OIAVBS . . . .
              WHPPE TIS . . .AND SPATS . . .WELL I OiE .4STHAT'H ABODT ALL : . . .

              Nd7 I BkTT88 PACK Mfl . BNNNY'S :THINGS . . . . . . . . ..VM                                                         .

                                                        .-RIM TO 00 OIIF AND BUY SOIE IIX30A0S .OLADICNVB
                                                                                         ~
              FOR                 THIS TRIP . . .THB BOSS RNPLSaC OUl' A                              BARGAIN             40      THIS
              AIRPLANB LUOQAOB BDYIM3 ] 7 SSCOND HAND . . . .TH6R8'S NO
              DOIBT BTIi' 1T'S                       GENUINE         AIRPUANB LIi30A0E .                . . .   IT       USED          TO

              BELONG                 TO oRVIIdS WRIOHI' . . .WEL,IPS'&-(OUPID

                                              : DOOR OPENS)
JACK :                     (COMING     IN) ROohester, hov ere you getting                                        along


              withmypackng4ROCH
                                   .91' DONB .
         : FINE, BOSS . . .I'M AL'.R0
JACK : Did you peok an vB toilet .artiolea4                                                                          .

ROCH : ffi HCIIi . . .AND I MAiHs SUM I PIH' IN YO1Ht HAIR OIL . : . .
              DANDRNFB RBMOVER . .14LPfARY BRD3M:3 AND COMB .

JACK : Oood .                            .              . .    .              .   .     .       .                        ..
BA




                                                                                                     Rr 801 0 1 e 4?68
                                                                                        -2-
~.
~ ' ROCH : THEY'RE NOT NBCESSARYBur ~t AT FOR YOUR MORAIE :

~    JACK : Yes, yes . . Well, I'm go look for soma books to
                        take on the train .

                               (SOUNb : DOOR CIA .4ES)
         ROCH :         . . .WELL, IET'S SEE ., WHAT EL4E W1LS.MR . BBNNY WANP TO TAKE
                                                  .
                        AUJNO WITH H7M TO NEW YORY . . .TT'LL BS PREITY COID THERE,
                        I BETT'FsH PACK SOME 0F HIS IAN3 llNLERWBAR .

                               (SOUND : COUPIH FOOPSTEPS . . .BUREAU ISiAWER OPENS)

                                                                     . .~.H6
         ROCH : HERE THEY ARE, . .HEA/60~T A Ipf OF LONG UtIDEtib'F~.~
                                                                  ~
                        HF HEB . . .I ' LL
                         .E                       NEVER   FORGEI' THAT TIME HE PU1' ON

                        BACKNARDS .     . . .   HE L00I® LIISE A SAIIQR . . .SAY, WHAT'S      THIS, .


                        THIS PAIR HAS THB ISOS CU1 OFF JUSf BBLOW THE KNEFB . . .
 i
                        OH YES, NOd I RPsFffiDIDSR . . .MR . . BSNNY DID     THAT   IN PAIM

                        SPRINOS . . H6 WANfF9 PSOPIE TO THINK THEY               WERE   PEDAL


.\                      PUSHERS . . .    WELL, I BETTS@

                               (SOUND : D0C&2 OPENS)

         JACK .(COMING IN) Here, Rooheeter, put these books in my bag .

         ROCH :        Y8 . S1R . . r ATT AMINUIRS, BOSS, DIDN'T YOU RFAD THIS BOOK
                        WBEN ST CA mE OU1' . .SZNSTEIN'S                THEORY   OF RSIAT

         JACK : Uh huh . . . . Z d lnctly reme • it had fo utdred

                  i      end ninety-tvo pa                . .those numbe•   :~re the only

                         things   I understood . .Hm . tein's The~o

                  I      Relativity . . .8h, . . .        won't   ree again . .I'11     wait


                         till they make a picture out of it . .,I le
                      l`going to make it in the square root of - ow,

                         Rochester, don't~~ S.o~r-(get to take along my violin .
                                             .

          ROCH : YOU TAKING THAT, TO 66W YWiK W1TH YOU?

          BA




                                                                            AT 8 01 01 9 4764
                                                                                         -3-
JACK : Yes, a:q there's elaaye a possibility it might get lost

                                or damaged . . .so see that my insurance policy with

                                Lloyde of Lon3on is      paid



                       :      YOU   GOT                    up~ROCH
                                          YOUR VIOLIN INSURF9        10   LLOY,D9   OF    LONDONI

JACK : Yes, why7

ROCH : I THOLGIII' ANYTHING THAT MOANS LIKE TkWT WOULD HAVE THg

                             ~ BLDB CR09S .

JACK : Rochester, never mind being a musical critic, I'm going

                                to take my violin W---

                                     (SOIIPID : DOOR BUZZ.Hi)

ROCH :SHALIN9d8RTEDOi4JACK

                        : No, you finish IM packing, I'll get it

                                                                              .(BODfI
                                              : FOOTSPBPS . . .SiATAII7 IN B .G .)

JACK : Gee, I can hardly wait to get on that train .
                                     (SOUfID : DOOR BUlyER)

 JACK : COMING . . .COMITR'i . . .                                    -
                                                                                                      1
                                     (SOUND :    'fH0 FOOTSPBP8 . . .DOOR OPSN3)
 JACK ; 0k) Oh, hello, Don .

DON : (A LITTiE ANGHY) Hello, Jack .

  JACK : Come on in .
                     .        (gOUNb : DOOR CL08ES)

  JACK : Don, I didn't think I'd see you till we got to the
                                station .

 DON : Jack, what I have to talk to you about can't wait .

  JACK : Why, what's the matter?

  DON : =MAbout the accommodations you got me on the Super

                                Chief .
  BA




                                                                                    Ri 80 1 0184770
         ,~/~q                                                                -u-
JACK : 7/~(What's wrong with them?                           .       .
DON :      Me. . .in an uuDer berth?

JACK : Don, everybody on the show has an upper berth

     : Well, I don't like it .                                                          .-DON

JACK : Now wait a minute, Don . . .the leet time we went to New

                York, hocrdid you go?
DON : You ehipped me by 1leight,

JACK : Oh y,ea,, .I forgot . . .I made a good dealwlth the railroad .

DON :     Yeb} .a & that             was   the   most humiliating        trip       I           ever took .

JACK : Humiliating? Why?

DON : When the train                  stopped     at Chicago, they opened the door

                 and soma g uy stamped           "Swift   & Company" on me .

JACK : All right, Grade A, . .1f it'll make you                          happy,                 I'1l get

                 you a compartment.                                           .
DON :   7/191    That ' s better .

ROOH : (OFF) BOSS, I'VE GOT El'SR'Yf}IIHG ALL PAC KE D At1D READY,JCK
        : Good, good . . . .                                              .
                       (SOGfID : PHON6 RIIiOS . . .COUPIB FOOPSEPS . . .

                                     REC&IVSH UP)                .

JACK : Hello .
B OB : ~~ ~'He~llo, Jack, this Is Bob                Crosby .


JAC R~- Whaa it, ism

BOB : Well, June and the kids are all going to the ate lon
                 to see me off, so I'll heve a cer fu11 . . .And/I wondered

                 if you'd mind giving Frank Remley a lift to the
                 station .

JACK : ~~, Of course, I'll be glad to, ..(, Whex~e shall I pick him
                 up?

BA




                                                                     RTSl01 0184?71
    BOB :          Under the arms ike ~~ways do .
    JACK :         Oh, yes, yea~/ you at the atation . .0oodbye,
    BOB : So long .
             .                         (SOUND :   RECEIVER DCWN)             .                          .
    B OB : . Well, JunA .J-that takes care o£ Rem]ey . Jack ' s
                   gonne take him to the                    station .


    .~HINIEII : O~h, .is, Frank.iye .~g,o,,ing or~ the same train3.~, with .yfowu.?.-

~Cr BO~:wV~ ke hey e'bomP•a~rtwmaun•t.J=~; .
                                       'kn. .cw / 8Y
                                                   .         Z!         ~
    SHIE2ITY : compertment/-- why ehould YrOa~ have                                 such nice


                   eocomodations when everyone :                      else   has en upper berth?
    B OB :'V/A Jue ~(.you need                      extra room     when you ' re hsndouffed to a

                   deputy a riff
                 : For e,,~~yplayer he can get int.o...m~ore .trouble .-
                                .-SHIt1EY                                                           .

    BOB :        Yeah/. ~Bid you pack my shirts aM )tYae? -                                     :

    SiIRIEY : Yee, .everything's ready . . .

         : Say, I better takealong .some .BO extra money

                 : Money? Donft you get an expense account while you travel
                                                            .-SHINEY

                   vithesow4BO

         : Well, yes . . .Jaek, gives us each five dollars a day .

    SBIRLEY : Five dollars a day!That'll hardly pay for your hotel

             ,,~~ room . W t .ebcut food?

    BOB :/V~Jack hes'~~~•a~ll" figured out . . .One day I yewat aone day

                                 I s]sep . . .Now I better get my heavy coa8/ . .St's oo].d
                             back                     East                       ~,~

                                                                             7w~•BIEY?eutibyorlgae
                                                               .f .By the wey,~didn~t I hear

                                 some talk that President        Eisenhower      is going to appear
                                 on   Jack's   radio ehow   next   week?                 .
    BA




                                                                                  prx   01   01     e   4 ;   ;2
,
          BOB : That's right . . .Jack is .dedicsting en entire program to

                     ~~the Red Oross                    : .'_ /-

                               . of ~,f~" to do that .
          SNIItIEY(KGee, it's niae p~"

          BOB : It's no morery Yt~J~fair . . .look at all the bl-wo+o~d,~t'heV'y''ve

                     . given him . . .MJ~, I mustn!t forget to take y ~ music
                           to New York .

                    : W~ music is               that?                        .fi1RIEY
          BOB : ~it's a new nu aber/ I~V've'been rehearsing . I think                   I'll


                       r.Y over once e/R
         . (APPL9T1ffii)

           (BOB   CROSBY'S     80NG) (   'WRA   P   YOUR   TROiBIE3 IN DREAMS")

           (APPLAUSE)                    '




          BA
    ti




                                                                          RTYl 0 1 01 H4773
       (SECOND ROUTINE)


       JACK : Well, I guess we've got almost everything packed, eh,

                 Rochester?
    ROCH : YES SIR . . . HOW MANY SANDWICHFJ DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE UP

                 FOR THE TRAIN
           : None                    .JACK

           : yONE?.ROCH

       JACK : No, this trip I'm going to eat                      all   my meals in the diner .
    ROCH : WELL, I BETTER TAKE MY                        CAMERA, ALL    THE PAPERS WILL WANT
                 PICTURES       OF THIS .
       JACK : Look, don't be so funny . . Now you put my luggage in the

                 car and make sure all the doors and windows are shut .

                 Oh . .I've got to go down to my vault and get aome money

   ,    for    the        trip . .Don, will you pick up Franlde Remley .
    DON : Sure, , Ja c . . ~
                     ~ 3ee you on the train

    JACKI~i               g     c,            oe     s    er .

                          (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS . .IESCENDING FOOTSTEPS .

                                             . .GE7TING HOi .IAW . . .STOP)
    JACK : Now to cross the bridge over the moat . . .                                    `

                          (SOUDID : FOOTSTEPS . .FOOTSTEPSON WOODEN BRII7GE . .

                            -                SPLASHING   NOISE4 . .FOOTSTEPS STOP . . .MORE
                                             SPLASHES)




~ . BH




                                                                              prx 1
                                                                                 0    0   1   13   4 77 4
                                                                                                -8-



      JACK
JACK :: Gosh, look at that A1ligator . . .so strong and powerful . . . .
                                             ~.o . . .   ti, .Q_.
           &W he's been very valuable to maq . .Three wallets,ja belt


                                     and he ' s still as          healthy    as ever . . .I hope he forgets by

                                     next Christmas . . .~~jtting wise to me when I come in
                                     here with a piece of ineat in one hand and a can of ether

                                     in   the other .     . . .   Rpn&W   , boy, see you later .

                                            (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .RATTLING OF CHAINS . . .IRON HANDLE

                                                          TURNS, IRON DOOR CREAKS OPEN . . .FEW MORE

                                                          FOOTSTEPS . .HFAVIER CHAINS . . .IRON HANDLE

                                                          TURNS, IRON DOOR CREAKS OPEN . . .TWO MORE                  -
                                                          FOOTSTEPS)

KF2ANS :Halt,vhogesrfindo-e4JACK

                    : Friend .                                                       .
Iff.ARN.'> : What's the password

JACK : (SINGS) Luckies taste better

                                    Cleaner, fresher, smoother .
                                    Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike
KEAHNS : Oh, it's you, Mr . Henny

                                                .JACK
                    : Yes, Ed . . .Nice seeing you again .

KEARNS : Thank you .                              . . .   How are things on the          outside?   LS   T
                                                                                                              stiil

                                     sLmmer7
JACK : No no, Ed . . .it's February .

KEARNS : Oh yes . . .that follows September .

JACK :                             No,)d. . .February follows January .

KENNNS : January?

JACK : Yes .
KEAHNS :Tbst's a new one on me .


BH




                                                                                           Rrrt 01       01   e 47 , 5
     JACK :    Well, anyway, it's February . . How have you been, Ed1

               Oh, fine . . -,Ry ;-fdz`nny . .I bate to complain      _b   nb , St's
               awfully cold down here .

               Oh . I'm awfully sorry, Ed~ next tllnn I come down
               I'11 bring a stov

               Well,   if ell the same to you I'd rather have c1o

               Oha .well, I'il send eome down . . .Now I4M got to open the
               safe and get some money .

     KEARNS : Shall I lie down so you can give me the ether again?

     JACK : No no, Ed . . .you can watch this time . .Now let me see . . .

               The combination is . .Right to Forty-five . . .(LIGHT TURNING

               SOUND)_ . .Left to Sixty . .(LIGtt'i' TNRNING SO9fm) . . .Back to

               Fifteen . .(ISGHTTURNING SOUND)       . . Then Left to One-Ten . . .

                (LIGHT TURNING SOUND) . . .There .

                       (SOUND :   HANDLE TURNS . .DOOR OPENS AND WE HBAR USUAL

                                  VADIA' AIARM WITH STEAM   WHISTLES,      B6CSS,
                                  GONGS, HORNS, ETC . . .ENDING WITH B .O .

                                  WHISTLE )

     JACK : There we are . . .now 1et's see how much money I need . . .
               There, this ought to be enovgh . . .Gosh . .look at that big

               pile of money way In the back of the safe . . . .Boy, if the

               South had won, I'd be a millionaire . . .We11, I better

               close the safe . .

                       (SOUND : SAFE DOOR CLOSES)

     KBARNS : Mr . Benny, you sure took/a lot of mpney AM this time .

     JACK : Yes, Ed . . besides going on a trip ;Jon March fifteenth I

               have to send my income tax to the government .

~   BH




                                                              HTx   01      0   1e   4177   e
                                                                               -10-

KEARNS : A11 the way to Mexico City, eh?
                  n..o
JACK : No no,j,Ed . California is a State now . .well, so long,

               Ed .
KEARNS : Goodbye, Mr . Benny .(9iwm)JA1F

      :-                                   . .                                           ..



(TRANSITION MUSIC TO STATION)

                        (SOUND : JACK'S CAR COMINO TO STOP . . .DOOR OPENS)
JACK .;1;%rq Here's the station, Rochester . .you park the car and take

               care of the baggage . . .I'll go on in .
ROCH : YES, SIR .

JACK : And don't be late . . .the Superchief leaves in about

               fifteen minutes .                             -
ROCH : IWE GOT TO GO TO THAT DRUC5TORE AND GET MYSELF A FEW

               THINGS .


JACK :         What do you have to get?                            .
ROCH :         SOME    TOOTHPASTE,               VITAMIN PILLS, AND SHAMP00 .
JACK :         Wait a minute, Rochester . .Isn't that a Rexail Drug Store?
ROCH :         srag-WHY?
JACK :         Well, they're ha.v~.i~~n,g, ~a one cent sale, here's three cents

               get me the same .~: .2'i1 see you in the statlom
           J           (SOU[m : DOOR              OPENS . . . STATION   NOISES UP AND DOWN)
MEL :      (P .A .) TRAIN NOW I.EAVING ON TRACK FIVE FOR ANAHEIM, AZUSA,

               AND    CUC .   . . .   AMONGA .
(APPIANSE)

                       (SOUND :          STATION             U
                                                      NOISES ~fP .fAND DOWN)             --
                                                                                      -7-~
                                                                         /S '4 . /~'`^
                                                                                  l




                                                                           RT7{ 0 1 01847 7 7
                 Bi, Jack .
                 Oh, hello, Bob . . .Well, ve'll be on our way pretty soon .

                 Yep .

                          m9af7mz=fP                            e-f




                                                            4

     JACK :      ~ti, IUp "got to go over to the win~dow . . .I forgot

                 to buy a ticket for my prodvicer, nY,•-w !+~ •

                          (SOUND : STATION NOISE9 . . .TRAINS   CHUGGING   INTO
                                     STATION)

     MEL :    (P,A .) TRAIN NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK FOUR FROM SAN
                 FRANCISCO . .TRAIN NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK SIX FROM SAN

                 DIEC,O . . .ENGINE NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK THItEE FROM IA .S

                 VEGAS, . .BOY, DID TAAT CONDUCTOR EAVE BAD LUCK .
                          (SOUIm : STATION NOISES UP AND DOWN)

     DON : ak Hello, Jack,

     JACK : Oh,          hello,   Don f .Where are the   Sportsmen?


     DON :    91Y.T4re .hight over there . . They'll be with us in a

                 minute . They're saying goodbye to a couple friends of

                 theirs ~who7,juet got married .

     JACK : 'vW[far~7

     DON : Right-over there .

     JACK : Oh, yes .




.y
     Bli




                                                                arx   01   0 e
                                                                             1    4PP   a
                                                                                                                      -12-

QUART : CH CH F00, OH CH F00 ' 4 ,1~74-r I

      CH00 CH00 TRAIN, CHUG CHUGGIN' AT THE STATION .

      CH00 CH00 TRAIN, CONLOCSOR PULL THE CORD

      CH00 CHOO TRAIN XOU RCIOW OUR DESTINATION
      CH CH F00, j. ALLAB~Oo-AARD .

      CHDO CH00 TRAIN, CHUG CHUGGINI OUT BY TIMMINY .

      ENGINEER T00T TOOT YOUR TOOT A TOOT

      SMOICESC SMOKE^~PUFF PUFFIN' UP THE CHTMNEY
      Q~' ~C}~I',,F00 WE
        .          , 'RE' FTVROUT~
      tiu" ntuic~-JT/,w~_~,


      ~Jd-vZ 7..iLw..A+. .o
      79   5   As       -hHc1}+58~ 5 i

      PORTER TELL YOU WHAT
      HF.FiE' S A QUARTFR~                                                      5 00 RTER
                                 Lm
      CH00 CHOsTR~ .A-~-Si'2~
      j,
      Cl100~lV~i .                                                                                      T GUR
                                  .LTo . .(,/.. ..w-~
                                         E                                                                      S   `
      CHOO      CH00 TRAIN
                                              M-
       }L       .90
               aP   '      ~H DH'O~THu^ ~ ~C EXPRESS .
      CR00
      G         CHOO       T:~C .RAIN                                                     f      FROM       CRY     •
      CR00 CH00 TRAIN            Ml~                                                      THAT'S WHERE IT I Sj FROM
                                 r2 _
      CH00 CH00 TRAIN a             LOADED                                                  UP   WITH   LUCffiES
      CH CH F00, CH CH F00 WATCH IT C0ME

      CH00 CH00 TRAIN PLEA$E HCRRY TIME'S A WASTIN'

      CLEAR THE TRACK FOR SOMEPHING WE ALL LIKE
      CARTONS OFSo M .E
                   .~OpII
                                     .~ THA 'S BET R TAS IN'CR H F0 ,J U CrI{Y$TRIftE .




                                                                                                 (MORE)
BR




                                                                                                                HTY{01 0184779
                                                                                                                                        -73-

QUARP : TfIl';REANOLSDIUCKElTOANIVY(C'D)

                            THEY WILL                   PLEASE               YOUR FRIE[QDS
                            EACH COLLEGE GIRL AND BOY
                            FRESH AND SM00TF                             E   6,     TOO


                             IT'S                     IACKIES                                  YOU'LL                      ENJOY    -

                             CLEANER THROUGH AND THROUGH

                            FIRST YOU                   TEAR            'EM, THEY COMPARE 'BM q

                            CHOO           CH00 TRAIN, TT ' S PULLING IN THE STATION

                            CH00           CHOO TRAIN                   UNLOADING HAPPPNESS
                            CHOO           CH00 TRAIIv* Hh9 REACH® ITS DE4TINATION OH OH F00, CH CH F00 CH CH F00~

                                                                                                                     C~4


                            RIDE THE HAPPY GO LUCRY STRIKE F.lTRHBS .
(APPLAUSE)




BR




                                                                                                                             ATY{ 0 1    0   1   0   47 80
                                                                                                 -14-
 .(THIRDOROU¢'INE), .
 JACK :d vJ `~ Ii Don, I'll see you on the                         train   . . 2 jW got to go over
        b
           to the ticket window
               :          Okay,    Jack .           .DON

                                  (SOUND : STATION NOISE4 UP AND DOWN)
 MEL :                   (P .A .) ATfENTION, PLESSE . . .ATTENTION . . .THE TRAIN STANDING

                          ON TRACK NINE WILL NOT LEAVE THE STATION, . .THE ENGINEER
                          REF'09FS TO TRAVEL FOA A IAUSEY FIVE DOLIARS A DAY .

                                  (50UND : FOOTSTEPS)
JACK : Now let's see . . .oh, that's the ticket window over there .

                                  (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS STOP)
HEARN : H'ye, Rube .

                                  (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS       STOP)                  . .
JACK : Huh?                       . . . Oh, it's my friend from Calebasae . .What are you
      . doing here in Los Angeles? -                                .
HE4RN : Rubbin' my eyes, same as everybody else .
JACK :Oh,ta's-,HEARN

                       : For a city that don'dtg~row nuthin', you sure got a lotta
                          smudgin' goin'

JACK :                    Yes   yes . .Where   are you going?
HEARN : No place . .I just errived from Calabesas .

JACK : Oh . . .How are things out there?
HEARN : Pretty good . . .Been making speeches all month .

JACK : Speeches':

HEARN : Yup . I ran for mayor . The election was yesterday .
JACK : Mayor of Calabasas? How did you make out?                                             .




                                                                               arx      01       0 e
                                                                                                  1     47181
                                                                            -15-
HEARN : I don't know . . we're still waitin' for the rural vote to

          come in .
JACK : Oh, of course, the rural vote . Well, tell me, did you put

          on a good    campaign?


HEhRN : Oh yes .wl~ent around to each farmer individually and

          aske9 him what his biggest problem wes .
JACK : I see . And what ~s the farmer's biggest prublem?

HE4RN : Traveling salesmen

     :                      .JACK
         Oh . Well, Secretary Benson will certainly be glad to

          thet,                                                         ~

HEERN : We better get goln' . . . Have to round y}5r1my wife .
JACK : Oh, your w 's with you?
HEARN : Yep, ahe's on a in' spree . jd6ery time she comes to

          the city, she goes hog        a
JACK : No kidding .

HEARN : Last year ehe bo a hundred and ty hogs . .Hee bee

          hee .     . He Spade Cooley pull that one . . . oughta
          catch et boy . Now there's a comedisn .
TA(`u .. _ S'=a_~p eab
       _

HRr1RN : Well, so long, Rube .
JACK : So long . -~

                  (SOUND : FOOTSTEPB)


         AaFP .    . . Well, I better go get   that ticket .


                  (SOUND : STATION NOISFS UP   AND   DOWN)




DH




                                                         A   rx   01   01   e   47   e   2
                                        A




                                                                                           -16-
f
    ».
         MEL :      (P .A .) ATTENTION, PLEASE, ALL NEWSPAPER MEN AND REPORPERS

                      . . . . ATTENTION ., .NOW ARRIVING FROM FLORIDA, BARBARA HUTTON

                     AND PORFIRO RUBIROSA . . . . THEY ARE ARRIVING ON TRAINS MARKED

                     HIS AND IEZ2S .                       -

                         - (SOUPID : STATION NOISFS UP AND -DOWN) A~

                                             .~
         JACK : -'M .this must be the windowa .K.Thet man it thaNft the

                     ticket agent . . .Oh, Mister . . .Miater .. . .

         NEISON : YESSSSSS
                          ./
         JACK :/ Are you the ticket agent?

         NEISON : No, I'm a groundhog, I came out, saw my shadow and ran
                     back in here
                                      .i
         JACK :      7`      w"   !, I'd    like   to buy atioket to New York .

         NELSONry~/ ~!'~ can only    Bell   you a :ticket to   San Francisco . . . I   just sold

                     the man ahead of you a ticket to New York

              :`~~ .What's that got to do with it . . you can sell me a ticket
                                                              .JAOK
                     to New York, can't you? -

         NELSON : I can, but I won't .

         JACK : Why not?
         NELSON :    I   like    to keep my stacks even .

         JACK :      Well,      that's the silliest thing      VjWW    --
         HY : Excuse me, sir .
         JACK : Huh?

         HY : I'm in a terrible hurry . . .would you mind if Igo ahead of
                     you?           _   n

         JACK : We11 . . .no, I,g<uXe .ss not .
         HY : Thank yon

         NEISON : Yes sir . . .what can I do for you, air?


         DH




                                                                        arx   01       0   194?   e   3
                                                                                                        -17-

HY : I'd like to buy a ticket to Constantinople .
NELSON : Oh, I'm awfully sorry, but you can't buy a ticket to

                           Constantinople .

HY : Why not? NEL90N
                       : Well, you see . . . .

                           (IN RHYTAM) Istanbul was Constantinople
                                                 Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinopl3 .

JACK : Look °

HY : But I've got to meet my girl in Constantinople .

NELSON
                       : Every gal in Constantinople Lives in Istanbul not Constantinople .

                           Sq if you've a date in Constantinople, -
                           She'l1 be waiting in                 Istanbul .


JACK : Look, Mister --
AY :        '4",           That' a confusing .

NEL40N :rylLd on't know why . . .
                           Even old New York was once New Amsterdam .

JACK :ff'Why did they change it?

HY : I can't say .
NELSON : People just liked it better that way .

HY : But I wanna go back to Constantinople .
NEISON : But you can't go back to Constantinople

                           Now it's Istanbul not Constantinople
JACK : Gee . .why did Constantinople get the works?

NELSON : (MAP) That's nobody's business but the Turks .

JACK : Oh .



DH




                                                                                              R   rx 1
                                                                                                    o      01847R4
                                                                    -18-

NEiSON : Here's your ticket to Istanbul .                     _

HY : AThank you end Goodbyyyyyeeeeeiiiiieeeyyyeee . (TURKISH CHANT)
JACK : I don't know why I always have to get into these kind of

            spots .
                    (SOUND : STATION NOISE9 UP AND DOWN)

MEL:       (P .A .) TRAIN NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK NINE WITH SEUENTY-F1VE,
            CARIAAL6 OF FIARIDA ORANGffi .

                    (SOUND :   FIVE   OR SIX GUN S}IDTS)

MEL:       (P .A .) TRAIN NOW DEPARTING ON TRACK NINE WITH SEVENTY-FIVE
            CARIAALB OF FIARIDA ORANGFS .

JACK : Now         look, Clerk,   you better sell me a ticket to New York

            or I'll report you
         : Oh,all right . . . .Is the ticket for
                                .NEL40                 you?             .

JACK : No, it's for my producer
         : Very well, do you want this ticket on the El Capitan or
                                    .NEL50
             the   Superchief?                                  .

JACK :      Well,     let's see . . .I'm on the Superchief . . .and the fare on

             that is a hundred and Yorty-three        dollars .


NELSON :    That's right, and if he goes on the            El Capitan       it) jMll be

             a hundred snd seventy-five dollars .

JACK : Nov just a minute . . .I happen to know that the Superchief

             is more expensive than the E1 Caplten .

NEI$ON : Not when you're on it .

JACK : NOW CUT THAT OUT
                                .(SOUND
                           : STATION NOISES UP)




DH




                                                              RT 8 07 0184?8 5
                                                                      -19-

    MEL :   (P .A .) ATTENTION, PLFASE . . .THE SUPERCHIEF IS NOW

              DEPARTING .

    ~~y~       (SOUND : TRAIN LEAVING WITH BELLS, EIC .)
    IAN : ;/ JACK, HURRY . . .HURRY . .                     . .
    JACK : COM7NG, DON,      COMING .


                    (SOUND : RUNNING FOOTSTEPS . . .JUMPING ON MJVING TRAIN . . .

                    BOUND OF TRAIN GOING SUSTAIN IN B .G . TO FINIS3)
    JACK : Wheww . . .I just made it .
    RUBIN : (PUFFING)Pou sure did .
    JACK : You know ; Mister . . .it's nice being on the Super Chief,

              isn't it?
    RUBIN : Yeah, but I hate to think what's gonna happen in a few
              minutes .                                           ,

    JACK : Why? .
    RUBIN : I'm handcuffed to e"WOMn player who got on the El Capitan .

    JACK : Well, how do you like that

                                           .(APLUSENDYOF)              .




L




                                                                  Hrx 01   0   1   8   4i66
7

             CLOSING COhA'BRCIAL                                                 -C-
             FIDRUAR

             WIISON : Jack will be back in just a minute . But first, let's
             (LIVE)
                        meet America's prettiest professional golfer . Here she
                        is --- Miss Alice Bauer .
             ALICE BAUER : You know something, I    like   to play   golf .   I've   played
             (TRANS .)
                        golf for so many years . I've played amateur golf at first

                        and now I'm playing professional golf . And I do like

                        professional golf much better it, I don't know, has more

                        competition in it and you really have to play a much

                       better game of golf . I guess that's all a matter of

                        taste though, and after a harid day out on the golf course

                       and really hard competition, I like to come in and sit

                       down and relax and light up a Lucky . I guess that's a

                       matter of taste too, but to me Luckies taste better .

             ~E, : Thenks, Alice Bauer . Friends, smoking enjoyment is all

                       a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is --

                       Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . First,

                       because Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . And second,

                       because Luckies are made to taste better . So, Be Happy --

                       Go Lucky . Ask for a carton of Lucky Strike .

             COIJ,INS : Luckies taste Better .

             CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother .

                       Lucky Striket Lucky StrikeL




        e   DH
    I




                                                                     AT}!01 0184'8 7
    (TAG)                                        .        _z0_

                   (SOUND : TRAIN GOING)
    JACK : Well, Rochester, we're on our way to New York .                                    .
    ROCH : YEAH . . .YOU' VE GOT A PRII'TY BUSY SCHEDULE WFN1`I WE GET THKFN,

             HAVESQ'T YOU?
    JACK ; That's righ~tw~.y I'm not only doing two radio show but .~I'm

             also doing aftelevision program . eY1i-~ien~I also ha~to

             play a big benefit

                             .ROCH
         : A BENEFIT? WHO FOR, BOSS?

    JACK : My cast, some of them wopld like to eat a= sleep . . .

                                 .                                           .Godnight,flks
    (APPLAUSE)



    DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin,

             Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Hal

             Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by
             Hilliard Marks .



             The Jack Benny     Program   was brought to you by Laoky Strike
             product of the American Tobacco       Company . . . America's   leading--
             manufacturer of
                        r        cigarettes .




L

    BR




                                                           ATXO1       U1B4'NB
                                                               oaRarl
                                                          PR
                                                           4    ~
                                                                        #25
                                                                                    :r ~
                                                          (REYISED SCRIFP)

                 TF    E   AMF:RICAN TORACCO CQMNY


                                  TITIC   KY STRIKE



                      4TF~' .TA .K RENNY PR(Xi AM




St   . FF,B$[iARY )R       1954             C-BS 7e00 - 7c'30 PM              EST




                (TRANSCRIBED FEBRUARY 20, 195'1)

                              (NEW         YORK   CI17)




                                                                                       JAN




                                                                  R1'XU1 01N47B9
                                                 -A-
                                  ~~$ICAN TOBACOQ-~tiY
                             'I   THF   JACK   RFNtdV„MLRAM #7K"

'J :00 to      7 :30   PM EST £EBRUARY 2FL._ig,5g_ SUNDAY
O   j   NIN': WMPIIMjAI _

WILSON: TEtE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM . ., .                                Transcribed   and

                        presented by           Lucky     Strike :          .

COLLINS :               Luckiee Taste Better
           ;            Cleaner, Fr        esher, Smoother :
                                                    :CNORIS
COLLINS ;               Luckiee Taete Better :
CNORUS : Cleaner, EYeeher, Smoother For Lucky Strike mea
                                                           .ns-fine    tobacco


                        Rioher-tasting fine tobaooo
COLLINS : Luckies taste hettert
CHORUS :                Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother :
                        Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike ;

WILSON :          This             is   Don    Wilson,     friends . Let t e      take    a good

                         olose look at the             subject      of why you emoke

                         oigarettes .            Think     it over     a minute   and you t ll

                         agree that the main               reason     and probably the only

                         reason you smoke is simply that you enjoy it --
                         you like the tAe+A of a cigarette . Sure - smoking

                         enjoyment is all a mutter of e+e . And the
                         fact       of the matter is Luokies taste better .
                                                 -more-

    rae



                                                                           HTX 0 1 018 4 790
                                                               -B-
THE JACK BENNY PROGRA
                                     MFEBRUAY28,195
                4Qp~li COhV1'L(0 ~

WILSON(OTD)    Luokies                                taste better -- Cleaner, Freeher, Smoother

               for two very important                                        reasons .    One   is,   LS/MFT. . .

               Lucky Strike M                                 eAn`Yi ne tobaooo . The tobaoc o

               in LuokDee                                is    fine, naturally mild, good-taeting .

               Another                                reason    for   this    bettertaete       is    that

               Luckiee are aatuaily^de better -- made roun d

               and firm and fully                                     packed    to draw fyeely and

               emoke evenly . Fine tobacoo in alietter msde

               oiga .T.ette                             gives    you better       taste   every    single




               time . So if you go along with me that                                                 smoking



               enjoyment                                is all    a   matter     of   taste,    then B e

               Happy -- Go Lucky .t,                                     because       the fact of the matter

               SeLuokiea                                 taste    better . Get a          carton      of Lucky

               Strike and                                 see    for   yourself .


SPORTSI' E N
pUARTET:       Be Happy -- Go                                   Lucky


(LON3
CLOSE )        Get Better Taste Today ;




rae




                                                                                          ATH01 0184791
e,                                                                                      .I_
     (FIRST ROUTINE)                                         .         .

     (AFTER COh9`SERCIAL, MUSIC UP-AND DC41N)

     DON: FROM NEW YORK CITY, THE LU01{Y STRIKE PROGRAM,
                  STARRIN3 .JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY LIVIN3STONE,
                  ROCHESTER,     DENNIS   DAY, BOB CROSBY, Tf E OHORDETTES,

                  AND   "YOURS   TRULY" DON WILSON                                  .
     (APPLAUSE. . . MUSIC UP AND DOWN)
     DON : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS                  BROADCAST    IS (lOMIN3 TO         .

                  YOU FROM NEW YORK CIT'Y WHIItE TONIGHT JACK $ENNY
                  WILL ALSO DO HIS TELEVISION . SHOW . . .WITH HIS             SPECIAL


                                               .
                  GUE$T, J'tISS HELEN HAYES .f~S R~ZiGHT NOW WE ARE DOING
                  A RADIO .SHOW FROM THE         LINCOLN     SQUARE THEATER ., .

                  WE CAN'T BRIN3 YOU       LINCOLN,     BUT HERE'S.A REAL
                  SQUARE . . . JACK   BENNY. `
     (APPLAUSE)
     JACK:        Thank you, thank you, thank you, . .Hello                again,   thie
                  is Jack   Benny talkipg . . .And Don, that          was such      a

                  wonderful      introduction you gave me . It's a shame
                  it'e your last one .

     DON :        What do you     mean,   my laat     one?


     JACK :       Well, Don, this       show     is transoribed . . . and the program
                  and you will be released at the sar+e time . . .and now,

                  I               --

     ras




                                                                 RTX 0 1 0184792
                                                                                                         -z-
DGN : Now wait a minute .                Jack,   do you meayy6u l re going

             to fire      me?
                  ~
JACK : Oh no, Don, I'm not firing I'm juet                                               stopping


                                                                   ase .

DCN : But, Jack --

JACK: Look, Don, I'm only kidding . It's                              just          that I wanted
             a more dignified          introduction because                   the program
             tonight is dedicated to the opening of the 1954
             Red     Cross    Cempaign ., .and a little later in the                                   show


             President Eisenhower will speak to                      us       from Washington,

DON :   O 4 . Say,    Jack,     did you read that       last


                                                          l   ubwekPrsidntEehowrplaydgf-thec you belong to

             in    Palm    Springs -- Tamariek4
JAOK : Yes, Don, .,and what a thrill I got when I read that . . .

             Just imvgine .,,the President of the United States

             driving off from the same tee that I drove off . . .

             Putting on the same green that I putted on . . .Tipping

              the same caddy that called me a oheapskate . . .

             what a       thrill .


DON :        You know,        Jack,   when the    President plays                      golf,
             he's     accompanied      by twenty       secret       service men .

JACK:         Twenty secret          service   men?      Gosh, I!ll bet he

              never    loses a ba11 . . .You know, F .B.I .                           means                    '

              "Find Ball Inetantly" .
                                                      -more-



                                                                   pT}S01 0184793
                                                                               -3-
JACK:
(CTC)        . ..    But   any,vay, Don, it's exciting being here in

             New York.again,        isn't    it?        _
DCN:     :Z/-,It    certainly    is, Jack . . .and have you noticed all

             the oharg eesinoe we were here              last?


JACK: You bet I have, Don . They've painted the sub•

             treasury building . . .        Brinks has    four new truoks . .,
             and there's a brand new           carpet    in the Chase National

             Bank .

DCN                           .
                       e ciV-eT so ]ige a new mayor .
             Rea11y4
              es, Jack, Robert Wagner is the ne yor .
             Ro t Wagner? Well,               isn't   t emazing . . . . Just
             a few e t          years   ago he to New York to
             be on Strike t Rich ,             all,   Don, we've got a show
             to do so       let's       on with it .
DCN :        Jack,     befor e get tarted, there'a something I

             wanted aek you .

JACKt is it?
DON :          ell, I was juet wondering i`& you'd give me an
             advance       on my next   week's   expen e nroney .

JACK ;       An advanoe't Don, you mean you'v already spent
             your allowanoe for this week?

ras




                                                            A1'}( 0 1   0   1 8 4r94
                                                                    _4,.
DON : That'e right .                         -

JACK :     Well, Brother, you must really be living .
DON : Oh no, I've been very careful and I can prove it.

          ' Ivve got all my   expenses       itemized right herelq~
           t 's list .                        /'

JACK :     Let eee ~hat. . . Four breakfaets at 'dollar
           each . . . ur dollare . . .four lunchee t two dollars
           eaoh . . .ei t dollars . . .Four di ars at four
           dollare eaoh . .eixteen dol re . . ;total for twelve
           meale, twenty- B1Ft do re . . . Don,         this is


           ridiculous .


DON :    What's    wrong wi endingtwenty-eight dollars
            for twelve        87                          .
                                       .          .LO .ct.V



           what's ie item here . . .\Fifteen dollars .
DOH : 4ha s for my hotel room .

JACK :         1, I oan't   allow     it .
DON : What7_
JAOK: !1 Look, Don, I'm not payinly you .,for a hotel room

           when you've been living in a r`eetaurant . . . You
                                          1
            oughta.gn on that uroPr®m oall ~d "What'e My          Waist


                "7 . . . Ariyway, Don, I'll~vert



               (SODND ;   PHONE    RINGS)
rae


                                                     R1-K01 0'184795
6                                                                                -4 A-

    JACK :       Excuse   me, Don .

                    (SOUND : RECEIVER UP)
    JACK:    . Hello .
    ROCH : HELLO, MR . BENPit, THIS IS ROCHESTER .
    (APPLAUSE)


    JACK : Rocheeter, where are you?
    ROOH :       I'M BACK STAGE AT TfiE?'ELEVISION STUDIO .
    JACK :   Oh .       How's    evetything goi n&?

    ROCH: FINE, FINE . . . IIVE BEEN WATOHIN3 MISS HAYEnX vO^NTHE
                 SET.
                i
    JACK: Oh Helen              Hayes .   I'm   sure     lucky   to get her      as



                 a guest etar . . . . She'e some        actress, isn't        she .

                 Rochester?
    ROCH : YEAH. . .AND BOSS, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER THIS
                 AFPERNOON . IN OAIE MINUTE, SHE WENT FROM A I`AOD
                 OF CAREFREE, LIGHT-kD';ARTED GAIETY TO THE PENT-UP
                 EMOTIONS 0F AhGER, FRUSTRATION, AND DESPAIR .

    JACK :   Gea ; What scerie            was   that?




    ras




                                                                 19   T?l01     0     1   8   4 7 96
                                                                                                    -5-
ROCH : NO SCENE, BHE WAS READING ~"W CONTRACT .
J~Z
SACS

JACK:           Hmn. Well,                     Rochester, she's       probably    nervous .    .
                Everybody gets excited before a live                             television        show,
ROCH :          ON THE .CONTRARY, BOSS . EVER1fONE'S PE@Y CALM HERE, YCUR
                PRODUCER IS ~TAKLNG A NAP, THE                         DIRECTOR    IS READING A
                MAGAZINE,pJTHE-•WRITERS ARE PLAYING CARDS . .IN FACT,
                WE'VE HAD ONLY ONE ATTACK CF NERVES ALL AFTERNOON .
JACK : Really? Ylho had it?                                                         .
ROCH ; YOUR MAKE-UP MAN .
JACK ;Iqy mske-up san7 But . Rochester, this make-up rcan in

                New York has never worked on me before„he's never even

                seen me„ Did you describe me to him? Did you tell him

                thaI'monlyirt-easold?ROCH

       :   UH   HUH .,,I EVEN VENT FURTHEH THAN THAT . I TOLD HIM

                YOU HAD SKIN LIID; A PEACH
JACK :                                                       .God,g
                                             . .what did he say?
ROCH:           HE ASKED ME IF I'D EVER SEEN THE SKIN ON A THIR'IR-NZNE

                YEAR OLD PEACH .

J ell, I don't need him, Roohester, I can vake                                                myself       up .
ROCH : YES, SIR .
JACK : I'll ou at the show . .And ester, remember to
                laugh hard at all ee bepause I've got lots of
                         friends            in New York,
                                                                                                           jn



                                                                          Arx     01    0 e
                                                                                          1        4P9?
                                                                                   -6-

    ROCP. : YOU'LL HEAR ME, BOSS . . .I'LL BE SITTING IN ROW "H", SEAT
                  TWENTY-

.   JACK ;        Row H, ,se df~, Roche you can't sit there .                    That's


                  right in front of the camera . .

                                                       Y

                  tll rY 'ght, all    right .   I'll   talk to you later, .

                  Goodbye .
    ROCH : GOODBYE . .OH SAY, BOSS.

    JACK :    Now       what?               .
    ROCH : I WAS JUST WONDERING IF I COULD HAVE T0110RR0W CFF .
    JACK:         Tomorrow?       But, Rooheeter, just last week you had three

                  days    off .
    ROCH : OH, BOSS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA COUNT THEM, ARE YW4
    JACK:     Why        not?


    ROCH : WE WERE ON THE TRAIN .
    JACK : Well, you had nothirg to do .
    ROCH : NOTHING : E4ERY TIME WE CAME TO A STOP, YOU                     THREW   A

                  WY.ITE COAT ON MY BACK,        SHOVED    A WHISK BROOM IN MY HAND

                  AND WE SPLIT THE TIPS .
    JACK :        All    right, you can have tomorrow off . . .I'11        see   you

                  3ater. Goodbye.
     ROCH: G0000000000BYE .                                            .
                            (SOUND:    RECEIVER    DOWN)

     (APPLAUSE)

                                                                                          JN



                                                              R 1- ti01 0984?46
. ~~


       DON :    ~a   e . t t Rooheeter

       JACK:    Yae.. -      MM        over at the/television       studio   watohix g '

                     rehearsal
           : ~, Jack, how .DON did you manege to get a /                 wonder    ful

                     actress like Helen Hayes to appear on your television
                                                                         a
                     show?

       JACK : Well, Don, I heard that                 she was   very   anxious     to

                     appear on an       outstanding    comedy program, so I went

                     up to her apartment and asked her to be on               my    show

                     and   she   accepted immediately,
       DCN : Well, thaVe amazing .
       JACK :        MM    , I will admit 1j ueed a little trick .
       DON : What did you do?

       JACK: I had my leg in a cast,                  she   thought I was Jackie

                     Gleason. . .You know, Don ;       sometimes    you have to be

                     very clever about how you ---
                           (SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR)
       JACK : See who that is, will you, .Don?

       DON: Sure,             Jack .



                            (SOUND :    FEW FOOTST EPS ., .DOOR OPENS)

       MEL : (1^dlOhEY) Can we             speak   to P r ,Henny?

       DON: Say Jaok .it's a fellow and four girls . They
                     want to talk to you .

       rae



                                                                   AT 9 01 0184799
                                                                                  -8-


    JACK :       To me?

    MEL :    Yeah . . . Mr . Benny, my name is                 Rogers       N . Hamm rstain .

    JACK: Rogers and Hamneretein?
    MEL: No, Rogers y . Harcunerstein, the "N"                              stands    for

                 Nathan .
a   JACK :       Oh . . .   When you told me who you were, I was                     amazed .


                 You know, you have a very fazrous name.
    MN:L: I know . . . dathan                   sells   hot dogs in Coney Island .
    JACK :° Ch, well look,Mr .Hattrneretein --
    VE   L : Juet oall me Nate .                                 -
    JACK : , Well, what             can    I do for you, Nate?
    MEL : Well,myeelf and these four girls here are msmbers

                 of the      Jack    Benny Fan Club . I ' m the President .
    JACK : Well/."       w long have you people been my fans?
                              ho
                                            " °-
    MEL :     Mr . Benny, we realised you a.rrour kind of guy
                 when we first            saw    you at the Palaoe Theater .
    JACK : Gosh, when               was    that?
    MEL : Yesterday evening when you                        v~   arguing with the

                 cashier      about ohanging the            prices .    .
    JACKa        Oh,   were you there?

    MEL : All the             time    till the oops broke it up .

    rae




                                                                       ATY{U1        0   184 8 0 0
                                                               -SA-

JAOK : Well,        look    . . . it .a very nice of you to
                                    a


           come    over, but    right now I'm doing a radio
           ehow.
MELp'~ ,   That's    why we oame over . . . the girls want
           to welcome you to New York .

JACK :     Welcome    me?
PEL:       Yeah . ., take it, girle .




rae




                                                  HTY{ 0 1    0194801
      QUART: HELLO,                           HELLO,   HELLO, HELLO,

               HELLO, BEAUTIFUL
               HOW!D YOU GET                            SO BEAUTIFUL .


               WFIERE'D YOU GET THOSE LOVELY BIG BLUE EYES,

               WHERE'D                         YOU GET 'EM, WHERE'D YOU GET 'EM .
               YOU'RE OUR LOVER BOY
               WHAT A HANDSOIT ; COVER                             BOY.


               HOW DO YOU STAY YOUNG, PLEASE .PUT US WISE .
               WF1EN YOU SMILE AT US WE GET ECSTATIC
                BUT YOUR FIDDLE SHOULD STAY IN THE ATTIC
               OH, HEL O, BEAUTIFUL ' YOU
                                            ARE OH,   SO OUTIFUL
          ~~ YOU ARE TfE ONE WE IDOLIZE, LIZE, LIZE .
                HELLO, LUCKY 3TRI KE
                HOW ABOUT A LUCKY STRIKE
                LIGHT~ LUCK~Y~.,./~PUFF ON IT AWHILE, PUFF PUFF .
                 L 5 M F'T. /'fAIU+, A TIk' FROM MI3TER "B" .

                LIGHT A LUCItY, SMOKE IT WITH A SMILE,
               WITH A SMILE, WITH A SMILE, WITii A SMILE .
                             ~.
                 LUCKY STRIEE~ MADE OF FINE TOBACCO, 41L.

                 BETTER TASTIhG, YES SIR, IT'S A FACT . . .SO .,,

                GO BUY 'FJ`1 HIGHT AWAY

                 AS YOU PUFF 'EM, YOU WILL SAY
                 THIS IS THE CIGARETTE FOR ME
                YOU'LL                         M   , BE HAPPY GO     LUCKY  STRIBE
~`   LUCICY STRIKE,                                     LUCKY STRIKE,     BOIN3.
       (APPLAUSE)


                                                                              ATX01   0   184B0 2
                                                                              10
 (SECOND ROUTINE)
JACK: %^'- That        was   very good, girls~r .and'
                                                     ' Mr . Hanmerstein.
PEL :          Just oall me Nate .                     s~~
JACK:          Well, Nate . . .I dar .nt you to knowlI appreciate~ ~ 4 C
                                                                  ~
"'LC . .                                               X.~`vT'

        1 : ry/
     ~ - 'O'~S"~i( UrIDi ICJOCK ON DOOR)                                                  a
JACK:          Excuse    me. . . COt"~E IN .
               - /~• (SOUNDt DOOR OPENS )
JESSEL:       .iidte,    Jack .


JACKt          Well, Georgie Jeesel :
 (APPLAUSE)
JACK:      Geo                           .
                                        .u
                       l eya,+at, .~c•Yo .-do7~~~~
                       .       .                                                              ~
~JESSE
     ~ / '+! ~f, 4
       ~                                       med of myeelf . You were goo d e oug h,
                                               ~~       dl        -     F.rA-v,, .. . .., s, ..~
               to M.C . the teetimonial dinner               ave Yae the ---~
                                                                         ° ..'4,-Z :
                                                                                 1
               other night . . .and I didnPt even get a chanoe
               you .

JACK:          That°s e.11 right , you°were              busy .


JESSEL :       Well, I didn't feel right about it, eo I thought I'd
               oome over end say, "Hollo ."
JACK:          Well, thanks, Georgia,                that's   nice of you .
JESSLL:        And as long        as   I Im here . .(1IEGINNING TO ORA"E) I'D~b
                             :
               LIKE TO MAIfl':     THIS    AN OCCASION FOR WELCOMING YOU TO
               BW GREAT, Th'RI VING METROPOLIS .
JACK :         Georgie, no speechee .
                                       Ta-ok . .   AND LADIES AND GENTIEIMEN, RARELY
                    MY E$PERIENCE HAS IT I£~EN MY PRIPIIE GEXO
                                                    ABUNDANX-MOSE
                                             C


                                                                   HT}l 0 1   0184803
                                                                                      -11-


JACK ;        Georgi~ put down that n~sttecr~~.
                    e,

JESSEL :   ~ Juetea fU►         fast   notee.yGY~E3,•, MY GOOD PEOPLE .. .FAITd,
              HOPE, AND CHARITY, Wi1H0UT WHICH WE WOULD ALL BE
            STRIOING WITAWT POINT OR PURPOSE .
                 ~
JACK: Georgitt, I'm doing a program.
JESSEL :      AND   !, ON BEHALF OF THE EIGHT MILLION                  RESIDENTS O F

                                            a
              THIS CONUtUNITY, I WELCO ME YOU, JACK BENNY, TO                   THE    CITY

              OF NEW YORK.

JACK :        Is    that    all ?


JESSEL : No, I'd like a                glass     of water . .

JACK : I've never seen                    such   a gsq.,When other     people   meet,

              they ehake        hands,       he deiivere an     address .


JESSEL : I!m eorry, Jack .
JACK:         That's       all ri E~i t .       4% A    the way, Georgie,   this I s



              my announcer, Don              Wilson .
                            ev-~ .~ . . .            ,           an
JESSEL : i~ee . .You                        , Don, I've seen you at/rrany of the

              dinners vY m I've been                 the   toaetrcaeter .
DON : ~' 4i You       have ?


JESSEL : Yesr,' and if you'd - look up from your plate once in a
              while, you'd          see     mg -7-

JACK :-e wo you were ri yn Monro .But

              tell m'e
              again4
JESSELs Wonderful,~n 'ea great city . ,




                                                                ATiS O 1 018 4 804
                                                                         -12-

JACIC :       Y     .and Georgie, have you noticed all   )   he   changes


              this pas       ear?

JESSEL : Changes? . . .Wel , let'e eee. .The Ro ettes have two

              naw   chorus   girle . .t can-can d cer at the Copa is
              now a brunette . . .and th e'e brand new carpet in
              Roeeland .

JACB : Georgie,~I'm aeham f you . You're always
              noticing the e thinge . I'1 bet you didn't even
              know there'"s a new msyor here,
JESSEL : No kidding, .what'e her nameY




                                                                                jn



                                                    RTH01 01         8   4 8 05
                                                              13
JffiW-          ~e.                                          ~~
DON : Say, George, I                   hear   Jack rrrecie a very good M .C . at       -ihut


                 dinner the Friars gave you .
JFSSKL : Don, Jack was just wonderful .                      40*   ~e said eo-nseg,
                 meny nice    things     about me
   :       He    didY~             .                .DON
JESSEL : Yess speeoh was eoabeautifu l aaF he paid me such
                                            .


             flowing compliments MfwEl eat there thinking, °Either
                   '         M   lying or I° :n dead .°
JACK : 3iw Georgie, I could have. . paid you a lot more
                                  .
                       ,,,...,7 .»,.- . ~
                             .
             compliment~ .In. feat, .I had so much material left over
                 that I'd plsnned to do a sketch tonight based on your
                 life .
                 Oh, no . This is your ehow . .and the~ iare have alreedy
                                                                ti~'
JESSEL ;

                 honored me, so letts do a sketo "11 ?vB written r vour
                                                             ~

                 life .

JACK :     Hat         I'd   rather do your life
                                                           . ~~'rww_ .Q
JESSEL :    imokfWi      a#, this is a half-hour program, / the way I ' ve
                                        ~.,. .,
                 lived, youed never get 5i't in .~i~-^t
JACK: Well, if that's the way you feel . . .go ahead, let's hear
                                             .y
                       ., ~~w ~ . ~ ~o- r ,U.i e
          j~.i t . 4 .
             ,,                         7
JESSEL,""" ukay . . .LADIES AND GENTLEMENT . . .^THE JACK IENNY STORY" . . .
      "")

                 OR "YOU CAN'T, TAU IT WITH YOU IECAUSE HE OWdS IT" . . .

                 CUR'fAIN, : .NQJSIC . . .

(BAND   GIVES   FANFAk2)




 tb




                                                                     Hrx 10    0   1   8   48 0 6
JF.SSEL :       OUR                    STORY   09M       WITH THF; BIRTH OF JACK BINNY, IN THE

                YEAR 1894 -- THIRTY-NINE YFARS AGG . . .IT HAPPEIJ ED IN THE

                 LITTLw TOWN OF WAUL M AN, ILLINOIS . .,THE PROUD PARENTS
                 GP2 TM WITH DELIGHT ON THE BLUF-EYED BABY, AND IT WAS AT

                 THIS MOMFSiT                     THAT   JACK BENNY'S VOICE WAS HRARD FOR THE

                 FIRST TIMU7 .                                                .
MF.L : (CRIES LI{E BABY)

 LOIS : Look at him, Papa, he ' s so cute .
 B7, CK :     Yes. . .we'11                       call   hirq Jackie .

 LOIS :        Do ctor, I want to aek you                              something . . .   Oh, I know all

                 parents think their children are unumsal . . .but                               honestly,



                 Doctor, isn't our                        Jackie      different from moet babies

                 you'vedlir?OMST[D

            : I can't tell, ft'm also a Veterinarian .

 LOIS : Look at little Jackie, Pape . . .he's got your mouth .

 BFC?S : Rnd he's got your nose .

 LOIS : And he'e got your                                  eyes .


 BECit : And he's got your                                 ears .


  IAIS: But look at his heir .

        .D:
  OMS'PF0                            That's   mine, it elippsd off .

 MEL : (CRIES)                                              .

  LOIS : There there, Jackie, quiet now .

  OMSTEP.D: Now, Mr .                           Benny,   about my fee .

  Br CK :     ~ . Don't worry, Doctor,                          just   meil your bill, and my eon

                                     Jackie will send you       a   cheok ,

 mw



                                                                                  H 1* }! 0 1 0184 80 7
                                                                   ,                                       -15-
                                                                       ~
                                                        1
    OMSTEADt    Ti//    Thank you very i- wait a minute . .your son here . .Jackie . .
r
                d- A he'a only a few minutes old . . How can he send me a                                  check?


    BFC3 :     1~   /!-T,I don't              know    how he did it, but he already           saved eight


                        hundred               dollars .



      :L :              (COOS   HAPILY)JFSE                  .M~

               ; AND SO TH E LITTLE BABY BFGAN TO GROW AND MAIff RAPID
                                                                       4
                        PRO:R'SS . . .AT THE AGF, OF SIX MONTHS HF ASTOUND ED MF.IIICAL

                        SCI ESICE BECAUSB F! r, HAD THIdTY-1W0 TF.TTH . . .ALL UPPERS . .,

                        BUT JACKiWA° A                      HAPPY      LITTLE CHILD. .AND ALL DAY LONG HE
                        US ED TO SIT IN HIS CRIB PLAYING WITH HIS TOYS .
                                              (SOUND : CASH RNRISTER) -

    MEL : (GUR3L^S HAPPILY)                                                .

    JESSFd : HE GREW OLDF.R, HIS PAR*TITS GAVE HIM FvERYTHING HR

                        WANTED . BUT JACId IA WASN'T AN                        ONLY   CHILD . .H3 HAD A

                        YOUNGER SISTER NAM$D FLORiSIC!i . . .TODAY HE HAS AN
                                                 .~                                                   OL



                         SISTER               N!4"iED FLORZSICF . ~C.    YEARS PASS?Dl AAD FINALLY
                                                                      ~l


                        JACKIE                EN   T ERED SCHOOL,, .6ND AS A STUDF3JT HE        WAS


                         FXCF3TIONALLY                  BRIGHT .                   M IN ARIMETIC .
                                                                       ~ P~ARTICUL?R

     JENNY :             And now for                  the   neat question, I will call on Jackie

                         Benny .

     JOEY : Yes, teacher .                                         .

     JENNY : Now Jackie, if you loaned ten dollars to Albert and five

                         dollars to Irving and fifteen dollars to Tomnd . . .and they

                         all paid you back at once, how much money would you havei

     JOEY : Thirty-one dollare .,

     mw



                                                                                       RT 8 01 016 4 806
                                                                                     -16-

JF'-lINY :   I'm .eorry, Jackie . . .but the correct anewer is t1Yir vt

                dollers .

JOEY :          Whet about the intereetp           .                    -

JFSINY :        Oh yee, I forgot, . And that           reminds    me, Jackie . . .I'11

                pay you the money I        owe   you Friday .                    .

JOEY : Good, good. . Then I'11 give you beck your wrist watchl

JESSEL : IT WAS FASY TO SEE THAT THERN WAS SOMFTHIN3 ABOUT JACKIE

                 THAT WAS DIFFERENT FROM         OTHER    BOYS . . .IN HIS CLASS THERE
                 WAS ONE LITTLE BOY WHO LIVED NEAR THE STOCKYARDS . .TRH]RE

                 WAS ANOT}iERR WHOSE ROMB WAS        ABOVE     A LIVERY STABLE . .AND
                 STILL ANOTIIER WYO LIVZ;D NE%T DOOR TO A GLUE FACTORY . .YEf
                 JACKIE WAS THG ONLY KID IN          J*   CL   ASS CALLED "STINKY" . .

                 SOMEHOW NE SEIIIED 'N KNOW ,,~HF/vWA~S DESTINED FOR A MUSICAL

                                          .XT F?'WYEARS Ii•E TOOK VIOLIN
                 CAREER. . .AND FOR THG: NF
                 LESSONS REiULAFLY.

 JACK: (PLAYS VIOLIN EKA:RC'SES. .HITS CLINKER)
 MEL : No no no, .how many timea must I tell you„ mnoothly . . .

                  smoothly . . .


 JOEY : I'm sorry .

 MEL : Play it again, .only this time hold the bow with one
                  hand, you're not Ty Cobb .
  JOEY :          I'll       try .

  MEL : Not today .,ze                lesson,    she ie over .

  JOEY :          Oh . . .    Well, goodbye, Profeseor .
  MEL :      Wait . .,you did not pay me .

  mw



                                                                  Hrx   01   0   7e e09
                                                                                     4
                                                                                                -17-
4,



     JOEY :         Huh?


     MFL : Monsieur Benny, I want my money .

     JESS^L : BUT JACK WAS PF.RSISTENT ABOUT HIS VIOLIN PLAYING AND HE

                     TOOK   LVSSONS . . . YEAR   --                                 .

     MEL : Monsieur Benny, my money .

     JESSEL : AFTER YF,",R . . .                 ~
     MEL : Monsieur Benny, my money .                                                   -

     JESSEL :        AFTER     Y!;AR .                                     .

     MEL : (CRYRYi) Please, Monsieur Benny, my money .
     JESSEL : FINALLY CAME THE DAY OF HIS                      GRADUATION       FROPI ELE'1ENTARY

                  . SCHOOL . . .IT WAS A PAOUD MOMWT FOR JACK AND HIS PARFNTS . .

                ~ THAT WAS THE D"Y THAT HE fUT ONHIS FIRST PAIR OF LONG

                     PANTS . .THE7 LOOKED KIND OF BULI :Y OVER HIS DIAPERS . . .AS
                                                .
                     HE WAS PREPARIlrG 'A17~~LF.A yVE THG HOUSE, HIS PARFFdTS LOOKS:D

                     AT HIM PROUDLY AND~SAIDr

      LOIS : Jackie, we're proud of you .

      JOEY : Thanks, Mother, si I'm so excited .

      BECKs Look at him, Mama, doesn't he look                        handsome?



      LOIS :He should look hendsome . .he'e got your mouth .

      BECK :          Pnd   he's got your nose .

      LOIS : And he!s got your eyes .

      OMSTEAD : And         he's still    got my      hair .    .

      LOIS :          You'll     get it, you'll get it, let him graduate                  first . .



                      And we went to get there early,               he's       gonna play a violin

                      solo .

      mw



                                                                       fli ;K07 01        13   4 8 10
                                                                                         1s

JACK : (PLAYS END 0F "LOVE IN BIAOM")
JOEY : Friends,                         relatives, teachers,       end.fellow        graduates .


               Your kind                 reception      to my musical offering         has    filled
               my little heart with joy . But I don f t deserve                               all    this
                applause                alono . .Some    of the glory    nust   be    shared    by
               my mueic teacher. . .that wonderful man. .that brilliant
               ganius . .thagre-(SCIE
MEL :                       :AMING) NEVER MIND THE COI'Q'LIMENTS, I , .W6FIL.IIY
               MO-%, Y!


JESSEL: JACK BEN N Y'8 SCHOOLING AND VIOLIN S TUDY *9 INlERRUPTED
                                                                   .~
                                                                    .
                BY WORLD WAR ONE WHEN HE ENTERED TAE ARMED FOHCES .'TH~E
               WAS REALLY                 TOO   YOUNG TO    GO, BUT   HIS FATPER WAS O[~t~
                DRAFT BOARD . . 4W 30, EARLY IN 191 7 , WE FIND JACK NO
                LON( E R A BOY, BUT A MAN,READY TO ENTER THE NAVY .
JACK: Goodbye, Papa .
BECK : Go already
                           .JESL
        : WITH `_'HE W~AR,~,OVER, JACK'S PABENTS Ki~W HE'D SOON BE HOME
                ANDyhTA.DE'PREPARATIONS . . THEY MOVED, . . SO JACK DECIDED
                OiQ     VAUDEVILLE              AS A CAREER . . .IT WAS ABOUT THIS TIhE THAT
                MANY          CHANGCS TOOK PLACE IN THE EiJTERTAIN ME NT WORLD . . . NE W
                INNOVATIONS                HAD COMi•: ALONG. .RADIO . .TALKING PICTUBES . . .
                AND IN ONE PICTUf                  E   CALLED "LUCKY BOY" .A HANDSOME
                YOUNG IEADING MAN NAMED G E ORGIE JESSEL SCORED AN
                                         ~
                IIRMEDIAlli SMASH HIT~'~HE SANG :
                                            (SINGS) ONE BRIGHT AND GUIDING LIGHT
                                                         THAT   TAUGHT   ME WRONG FROM RIGHT
                                                         I FOUND IN MY MOTt     0    'S EYES .
TB


                                                                           RTX 0 1 018 .1811
                                                                              19
                                                                               '7
JACK: (SOTPEt) Georgie :                                            ~
JES SE L: (SINGS) THOSE BABYaaS~TAI&S SHE TOLD
                                 THAT RO ADIM   PAVED   WITH GOLD
                                                 .--
JACK :       CF ORGIE : ~`L,Fj .~ LIFE STORY ;
JESSEL:      Oh,     yes,        aorry . . .WITH THE ADUENT OF RADIO, MANY     M    f!
               STARS WEI E MADE OVERNIGHT . . . . . AND O-M OF TIE BRIGHIEST
               WAS    THE    MAN WHO ALWAYS OPE NE D HIS SHOW WITH ---
JACK: Hello egain .
JLSSEL : FROM ~5 HE BECAME A STAR : . . . WIIEN JACKRGALI7ED
               THAT HE WAS A BIG HIT ON RMIO, HE DECIIED TO ( E 'P HIS
               OWN PROGRAM~IAST HE 100KED FOR                AN   ANNOUNCER . HE
               DIDN'T       HAVE TO IAOK FAR BEOAUSE DOid WILSON WAS
               EVERYWHERE .                         .
JAC.Re So you               want       to be a radio announoer, eh4
DOiQ : Yes, sir .
JACK ;         Have you          had any experience?


DON :    A   little .

JACB : We11, before I hire,you, I4d like to audition you .
DOi~i : Yes, eir . . .listen to thie . .L3, MFT . .LS, MFT . .WCKY
               STRIIfl'; NZAidS FINE . TOI3AC00 .
JACK : Uery good .

DON :    TO    GET          BE   TTER TASTE IN A CIGAI C TIE, YOU MUST BEGIN
               WITH   FINE        y(3gCQQ . THATQS RIGHT, Tf E F Mt S NO SUBSTITUTE
                                  TO


               FOR FI NE TOEACCO . . .~ DON~T LET aNYdODY TELL YOU
               DIFFERENT ,

th



                                                              FRTY{01     0   1 8 4 8 12
                                                                           20


JACK:    . TV . I won't, I won't : And      take   your Imee out of my
              stomach .

DON :    SO . . .I,B/MFT . . .YES, LUCKY S'lRIKE MEANS FI NE TOBACCO .
JESSEL: 80 DON         WILSON    WAS HIRED . . .EVEN THOUGH AT THAT TIME
              JACK WAS ON FOR      JELLO . . . GRADUALLY    JACK ASSEMBIED HIS
              CAST . HE TOOK MARY OUT OF THE STOCKING COUNTER AT THE
     1
              MAY COMPANY . . .HE I E CLAIMED PHIL HARRIS FROM A 00WERY
              MISSION . . .BUT HE HAD A HARD TIME          GE   TTING DENNIS DAY . . .
              TBE ORGAN GRINDER      DIDN'T   WANT TO PART WITH HIM . . .NOT
              CONTENT     WITH   HIS SUCCESS IN RADIO, JACK DECIDED TO            GO

              INTO MOTION PIC S . . .AND ONE          NIGHT       HE HAPPENED TO BE
                           1@16M EYERY BIG PRODUCER IN
              AT A GAY PARTY ~~
              HOLLYWOOD WAS PRESENT . FEELING THAT THIS WAS~,,H,IS
                                                                       Z
              OPPORTUNITY, JACK APPROACHED          MR .   WARNER,/ READ OF THE
              WARNER    BROTRERS STUDIO .




tb




                                                                ATN09 U'1B4       13   13
                                                                                            I'




                                                                                     21

JACK :       Mr . Warner, I realize it's not considered proper to mix

              businese with pleasure, but there's no reason why I

              can't be we big +c movies , and I feel

              that if you and I put our heads together, we can come up

              with a role that vYi4 not only suit my particular

              talents but will also--

MEL : (STRAIGHT) Never mind , iust                  p   ark   my   car .

 JACK : Yes sir .                                       .

 JFSSEL :   SO .JACK PPJ?ILFDMR . WAFdJER'S OADILLAC . .BUT HE PIM SISTED,

              PND FINALLY MADr:, A     NUMBER   OF PICTURES        .P
                                                                   F            .H
                                                                           WAR`]F
              BROTHFd?S, CLIM(OC ;D BY "THB HORN BLOWS 41F MIDNIGHT" . . .

               IT WAS EXACTLY ONT: MONTH P .FTITi THIS PICTURE WAS

               RELr+.ASED THl.T JACK .M+^ P MR . WAAN .z.'E? AT FSIOTHER PARTY,
                                        .

 JACK :        But Mr .   Warner,    there's no sense being mad at me . .When

               you're a producer, you've got to take ohancee and                     I    feel

               that if you and I--

 M u : Never mind ,           just   uark mv Chevrolt .

 JSSSF.,' : BUT LLTHOLtiF. h~, RUINED OTHERS . . .J1u^.K CONTINUED TO DO
                       a
                                               .
               WELL . .AND/HE DT( :IDz9 TO MOVF INTO A NEW HOUSE IN

               BEPX?LY HILLS WITH HIS FA .ITh'P°JL VfJ.FT, ROCHES'fER .

                          (SOUND : DOOR OPELIS)

  ROCH : BOSS, THIS HSUSV IS SURE BEAUTIeUL .

  JACK : Yes, it is, Rochester . . .but you know, I've been

                thinking .

  ROCH : ABOUT WHAT?
  mw



                                                              Rrx   01      0   184814
                                                                                   22
( JACK:       Well . . .a house isn't really a home without a woman .
   RCCH : WANT NE TO GET                    MARRIED?


   JACK : Never mind
                            .JESL
            : AND SO JACK MOVED INTO THE HOPE W WHICH HE STILL
                   RESIDES .i:LADIES-AND (rNTIEPIGN . .THIS BRINGS US UP TO
                   THE PRESENT . AND WPHOUCH JACK BENNY HAS WON THE
                   IESPECT OF HIS COLIEAGUES, THE ACCLAIM OF THE PUBLIC,
                   AIM EVERY AWARD THAT HECO&D POSSIBLY ACHIEVE . . .HE
                   IS STILL TIfE SATE .,hUN WAS WF EN HE STARTED OUT . . .AND
                   KNOWING JACK A+5 I~DO, I               M      THAT NIS GRE' 'yST . TH RILL
                   CAIT~    ONE   DAY THIEE        YEARS AGO     IN A SIMPIE LITPLE
                  PI E SENTATION THAT THE PUBLIC DOESN°T EVEN KNOd                      ABOUT .


   BECK:          And so,Mr . Becny, from our Government in Washington,
                   it ' e my pleasure to give you thie .~,                       ~
   JACK :          Gee. . .a thirty-eeven           dollar      tea refund
   JESSEL :        AND     SO,    LADIES    AND a       ~~
                                                    IW~ TIEMEN, ON THIS HAPPY NOTE WE
                  END OUR STORY .. . Well, ha'~'t t~e it
   JACK :          Georgie, I think you did a wonderful job in presenting
                   my life        story    snd I   want    to   thank   you .
   JESSELp         Well . Jack, you          deserve      it.
   JACK :          Thenke, Georgie, end tonight maybe the two of us                      mmW      --




                                                                         RT}!01 0184815
                                                                                                          23


JESSEL:      (ORATING) ou DESCRVE
             IT IS BECAUSE YOU°YC ALWAYS HAD                                           AN


            ABUNDANCE OF THOSE THFtEE GREAT
             QUALITIES,    FAITH, HOPE, AND
             CHARITY. -L~~ ~ ~( E NTIEi'EN,
                        ADIES ArID
             IF I COULD ~p4J7 divkYiOUR
             AT1EiJTION FOR THE    NE   XT   THIRTY


             MINUTES, I'M SM I CAN PUT MY
             SIMPIE POINT ACROSS . WE MUST
             CET DOWN TO FUNDA M NTALS
                                                 . FOR IA THE EB AND FIAW OF MAN'S ,
             E7CISTENCE, IT IS .THE BASIC
             TH
              +   Ii„
             VNIMM        IS TIiQSEL !uID WINDOW
             DRESSING .
(MUSIC S NEAKS IN AND BUILDS TO PLAYOFF)
JESSEL :   HOURSMM~AY                SEEM                               OH,                 FOR     HEAVEN

             ~UT           ~2~T'' . . .lR1L SARES .




            #filyi~171d"'--                  .
 (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC UP FULL . . .THEN FADE)

JACS: And now, ladies and gentlemz, as I m,entioned before . . .
             tonight's program      is   dedioated to the                                    1954   Red   Cross


             Campaign . .We now take you to Washington where the                                               next


              voice you hear will be that of Mr . E . Roland Harrim.en,
              Chairman of the Amerioen Red Cross, who in turn will
 tb           present the President .


                                                                                            HTY{01 0'1         248    16
                                                                              24
( RgRRISON :   Members and     friends         of the Red Crose . . .Tomorrow begins
               the rronth in which good neighbors all over the lend
               will    pledge themselves to serve their neighbors by
               joining the     American        Red Cross . . .Volunteer workers will
               visit your homes end offices to tell you whatie being
               done to help the people who day               after    day turn to your
               Red Cross in time of emergenoy end               distress        -- who turn
               to you    because     you, ae      members   of the Red        Cross,    are
               active    partners in all,         its    friendly   deeds .   We hope
               there    will   soon be thirty million of you on the Red
               Cross membership           roll, so      that when the Red       Cross


               secves,you      all   will be there . . . . .This year our
               fin&i oie.l goal      is    eighty-five million        dollars .     It is
               the aotive members behind the eighty-five million
               dollars    -- the voa.unteere --- who make Red Crose funds
               go so fer and do           so   auch . . .It is now my privilege and
               honor to present our moet distinguished vohmteer----
               en active member who eaoh year is one of the first to
               renew his membership in the 0 merloan Red                  Cross . . .


               Iadies and Gentlemen, the b7esident of the United States,




     tb




                                                                HT 8 01        0   16481'
                                                                                             25
                    ~ ~ =--'----
        EISEtdfiCWER : vMy fellow Mrerioene and Red Cross Membere : 91'nericens
                       believe in the Red Cross . . . .I     personally     believe in it,
                       first, because I Imow from my own           experience       the great
                       good it aooompliahee in war and peace ;             second, because


                       I believe in the fundamental         principle      of Red   Cross--


                       the principle of people helping people . . .Through the
                                                                             ~
                       Red Cross, gmericans have helped the men and women 10
                       our armed    forces .    In generation after generation,
' American eervioemen have turned to the Rea-Croas                                       with

                       their pereonal problems, their family emergencies, ond
                       the Red Cross has responded . It has           responded quickly


~ ..                   and   generously . . . . lhrough the Red    Cross    the people of
                       this Nation have        constantly   relieved the pain and
 °      sufferfng                   of fellow citizens trEpped         by natural
                       disasters . The    homeless and the bu,.gry have been
                       sheltered and fed .        Victims   of   disaster, lacking           the

                       means to rebuild end refurnish their homes, have                      found


                       in the Red Cross the aesistanoe they needed . . . . . . .And
                       beosuse the    American     people have donated their blood as
                       well as their money, the Red Cross during the last
                       decade has given life itself to the wounded and the                         sick .


                     . The blood donated by the American people              has    saved not
                       only the wounded on the battlefields of World War II and
                       Korea, but the     sick and     fnjured in more then three
                        thousand   hospitals     here at home . . . . . .The Red Cross
                       has provided, and with your help will            continue        to
                       provide, vast     quantities     of blood    products    ---     products


   1"             such as gesma globulin, which helps our children avoid
        tb the horrible paralyeie caused by polio . (MCRE)



                                                                     H 1" X01       0   784818
                                                                                    26


EISENHOCEh : So muoh for the           material contributions            of the Red
(CTD)
                     Crose . Tiut beyond e1lthxs --- the Red Cross abundantly
                     provides faith in the innate goodness of people, in
                     their ability to work together for the Nation's good .
                     It exemplifiei the enormoue power whioh kindness and
                     generosity can exert to rrove men closer to the day
        o when the rule of foroe will be banished from the world,
                     and   when the Golden Rule will guide the            actions   of
                     menkind. . .Tluough your Red        Cross     you give speoial
                     meaning to this faith in humanity . I am conf9 .dent that
                     this year, as in the       past,    the   A   nerioan people will
                     join   the Red Cross ist    its    megaifioent .efforts to
                     ~O   mfor our fellow   men .


(APPLBU.SF'.)



                _J            .




tb




                                                                      HT}{01 0'1 9 4 6 19
-a-
                              . PBOGBAM #26

                                                (REVISED SCRIPf)
           THHE   A}IE RICAN TOBACCC CC UANY

                        LU   CBY SIRIBS
                  TIE JACN BE[1NY PRCGBAM




              (TR9NSCRIBLD FEBBUARY 25 .        1954)


                     (NEW YORK CITY)        .




      ta




                                                RT 90 1   0184821
                                                                    -g-
                                      .       TI E AB;RIL•a_N TOB9' Q 0 amY
                                                          °=    JACK    B,gyyy         &='             #26
                                                                 MARCR    7.    1954


7    :00 -                        7   :30 PM EST                                                                                      SUNDA   Y

OPENING COLflSERCIAL W~LSON
                              :            THE JACK    BENNY PBOGRA3i . . . treneoribed and                                            presented


                                      . by LUCBY        STRIKE!


COLLINS : Luokiee                                     taste     better :

CRORCS : Cleaner, Freeher, Smoother :                                                                   -
 COLLINS : Luckiee taste better!CRORUSsCleaner
                                                     . Freeher, SmooTher!
                                                                                                             .ForLukyStiemansftobcl
                                            Richer-taeting fine tobaooo :
  COLLINS : Luckies                                    taste better!


                                  :         Cleaner,    Freeher. Smoother2                   .CHORUS
                                            Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike! _
  WILSON :                                  This is    Don     Wilson   . . You know , there are three
                                            words   that pretty we11 eum up rh y             millions                                   of

                                            wokere prefer Lucky Strike .                Those           three                          words      are,

                                            •Luokieo toste .better.'              'Taste   that'a the

                                            key to    complete sm       oking enjoyment . For, ®oking
                                            enjoyment     is all      a matter of taste .                And                          the fact of

                                            the matter ie Luckiee              taste   better . Cleaner, freeher,

                                             emoother .      Here's     why. Firet, LS AM'T. Luoky Strike

                                            meane fine tobaooo , natura2ly mild .                       good-tasting

                                            tobacco. . (1WRE)                .


                                                                                                       RT}! 0 1 01                                8   4 8 22
                                             .a.
THE JACK   BENNY   PROGRAN
NARCH 7,   1954

OPENING COERIERCIAL (CONT'D)

WILSON : Second, Luckiea are no" better to taete better .
(CONT I D)
             You can see for yourself they're round, firm,
                  and fully-packed,          to draw     freely and    sm   oke evenly .

                  You'll    gat more enjoyment from              smoking    if you
                  remember,     smoking      enjoyment     is   all a matter of
                  taste .     And the    fact      of the matter    is Luokies


                  taste     better . So,     Be    Happy --     &   Luokv. Get better
                  taste . Next        time   ask   for   Lucky   Strike.
COLLINS : Luckiee             taste    better!
CHORUS :    Cl.eaner . F r esher, Smoother :
                  Lucky Strike! Luoky Strike :                                .




ta



                                                                    RTX01 01         8   4 8 23
  (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COPPIERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON :                    FROM       NEk' YORK CITY, 143E .LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING

                         JACK BENNY . . .WITii MARY LIVI NG STONE, ROCHEBTER, DENNIS
                         DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY'", DON WILSON
(APPLAUSE : . . . .MUSICPANDOW)p
       : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN . . .T•HIS IS JACK BENNY'S SECOND WEEK
                          IN NEW YORK, AND RIGHT NOW WEfD LIKE T0 TAKE YOU 1b

                         JACIC'S ROOM AT THE WALDORF ASTORIA HOTEL . . . UNPtiRTUNATELY,
                         FL"S NOT STAYING 'IIIWJiE, SO WE TAKE YOU 'IC1 HIS ROOM AT

                          THE      ACME PLAZA . . .                             .


ROCH: (SINGS) EAST                            SIDE,   WEST SIDE,
                                    (0   LL 1iR0 tUND THE TOWN . . .


                               'D   rSOUND :1 D00


JACK: Good morning, Raoheeter .
ROCH: OH, GOOD MORNIDG, MR . BENNY
                          (APPLAUSE)
ROCH ; DID YOUHAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S                                 SLEEP?


JACK: Yeah . By the way, what kind of weather are we
                          having today . . .ie it raining4
ras




                                                                           flT,K01 0'I 848'24
                                                                                        _z..
ROCH : I DON'T TRINK                        SO .                                  .
JACKs Oh, is it sunny out?
R00R: I'M NOT SURE . .
JACK : Maybe it°s                        cloudy    and drizzly?
ROCR:      COULD    BE.

JACK :   On     the other hand, it might be clear and cold .
ROCRs BOSS, IF YOU'D ONLY GET A ROOM WITii A WINDOW, WE
           COULD STOP PL$YIAG TWENTY QUESTIONS .
                . .~ ..4....l~' .~
JACK :    40


ROCR : SAY, LOOK WHAT TIME IT IS, I BETTER GET M YOUR
   - BREAKFAST IN A HURRY. . . YOU°VE GOT TNAT TEN 0'OLOCK
          APPOINT4'1GNT WITH YOUR DENTIST .
JACK : No, no, Roohester . . .I went to the                         dentist   yesterday

          and I'm all                     finished .


ROCR : G00D . . .WELL, I'LL ORDER YOUR BREARFAST .

                   (SOUND ;                COUPLE.OF FOOTSTEPS . . .RECEIVER UP . . .
                   BUZ2 . . .CLICK)
JENNY: Room eervioe .
BOOR: HELLO, THIS IS ROCRESTER . . .I'D LIKE TO ORDER SOME
           BREAKFAST FOR MR . BENNY.
JENNY:    What'll     he have                  this    morning, farina, oatmeal, mueh .
           or   cream     ofwheatlROCs
           . . .RAM AND EGGS, HE CAN CE EW AGAIN .

ras




                                                                     RTHU1 0184 8 25
                                                                                            -3-

JENNY : Oh, that's good . . . it              will     be nice to have him smile

             at me for a         change . . . Now,   what else              please?


ROCH :       BUTTERED    9C1AST AND COFFEE .

JENNYs       Coffee?


ROCH :    YES .

JENNY : The management of the Acme Plaza                               Hotel, requests



             that we rake         this   announcement to our gueste . . .due

             to the    recent      inoreaeesin the           cost        of wholesale

             coffee, we are foroed to                raise           our prices .
ROCHe YOU'VE RAISED YOUR PRICE IN COFFEEP
JENNY: Yes, it's five cents a cup now
      : WELL, SEND IT ALONG .                                .ROCH
                      (SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN)
ROCH : YOUR BREAKFAST WILL BE AIANG SOON, BOSS .
JACK:    -/74 Thank   you. . .
ROCH : BY THE WAY, BOSS, CAN I                   HAVE      TONIGHT CFF7

              SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ARE GIVING ME A FAREWELL PARTY .
JACK: No, Boch noW . I have a                        lot   of things for you to do .

ROCH : CAN I HAVE TOMORRGd NIGHT                      OFF?


JACK .     No .

ROCH : WELL, HOW ABOUT TUESDAY                   NIGHT?


JACK : lit Yea /- Tuesdey hight sounds                                all   right . Where
              are you going Tuesday7

ras



                                                                            HT 9 01   0   184826
                                                                                                           - . 4



    ROCH: THE SAME PARTY . IT'LL STILL BE ROLLIN3 .
    JACK : I should have known . Well,                                        Rochester     ---

                                  (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR)
    JACK :                                                                    . . . I'11 get it .

                                  (SOUND :   COUPLE            FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS)
a
    DON : (',j,~,/ Hello, Jack .                                                       .7

    JACK: Oh, hello, Don
                                              .(APLUSE)JCK
          : 6~, Turn              yourself sideways               and come in . . . I didn't
                 expect             you.

    DON: -1 M , I rthought I'd drop by, I have a little eurprise
                 foryu,JACK
          :      Surprise?                                         .
    DON :     Yee l I               was    out with yo ur               sponsor     last    night, and

                 he told me how happy he                               is   with your radio and T .V .

                 programa,
    JACK : Oh, that's nice .

    DON : And to                     show his appreciation he's                      buying   tickets    for

                              all of ua to   see             a Broadway      show   tomorrow night .

    JACK: Whioh oneT
    DON : LSPII+T and Sympathy .




    ras




                                                                                       RT}S01 0184927
                                                                                                                                                    5.
r
    JACK :   Oh           yee . . .I hated to tell him :that Deborah Kerr xaen't

                          Dorothy                      Collins .


    DON : Not only that . Jaok . but your eponeor                                                                          is   having a .pe.rt

                          Satur ight and he                                                         wants       you to come.      ,-'                I


    JACK :                 I'll              certainly here .
    DON : Oh, and he                                              said              to be euring your violin .

    JACK: Oh, darn it . . . .I he 0 get up tertain when I'm
                          a       guest .


    DON : Hescrton't                                           say           anything about your being a                         guest .



    JACK : ( Good .                                     od               that               means           I'11 get paid . V. .Te11 me . Don,

                          how are you enjoying ---
                                                                   : KAOCK ON DOOR)                                                .(SOHND .
    JACK:    Oh,                          that's                   probably my                          breakfast .


    DON : Jack, it could be the                                                                         singing     group from the Hit -
                            Parade,
    JACK:     Oh. yee . . .you told me they wanted to audition fo~rire?Zt~10 ME ON IN, FEL OW9


                                                                              .(SOUND
                                                                     : DOOR OP'E'NS)
    JACK: Are they going to                                                                      sing   a    song   from the Hit Parade .

    DON : Jack, they're going to do a Lucky Strike Extra                                                                                       --


                             something                          from the A11 Time Hit Parade . -Go ahead .
                            fellows .




    ta




                                                                                                                        HTYS 0 1 01            848   28
                                                                                                                   6.
    QUARTET : You better wake up .                                 wake up .       you   sleepy


                                .   got       up . get out ofbed                                  headGtup

                 Cheer up , son                     it's        time/ you were           rising


                 When the Red Red Robin                                    comes   Bob Bob Bobbin along

                             along

                 There'll                be no rcore sobbin
                 When he             starts            throbbin his old sweet song
                 Wake up . wake up . you sleepy head

                 Get up . get up . get out of bed .

                 Cheer up, cheer up . the sun is red

                 Live, love, laug)ti end be happy What if I've been blue



. Now I'm walkin' through fields of                                                        flowers


                 Rain may glisten
                 But still I listen for                                    hours   end   hours


                  I'm just a kid again
                 Doin' what I did again . singing a song
                 When the Red Red Robin
                  Comes Bob Bob Bobbin along
                  A7~ ..n ow how about a comneroial
                    nd ~

                        ot have a cortmeroial
                  5k've gotta
      . We didn't have one at rehearsal

                  Me.kee no difference we've                                  gotta      have it now

i. Well, let me think, now                                                  lot's    see

                  There             is   no no nothing
                                                           (MORE)                                             ta



                                                                                           HT}SU1            0184829
                                                                                            7.•
QUAHTET : uff puff puffin' a Lucky Strike
             It's   the   best smoke          yet

             It's   the cigarette you are                   sure         to like

             Light up. light up, and                  you'll        agree

             LS . LS   dash    MFT
             Cleaner, freeher, and nazch emoother too
             So be     happy   Go Lucky

             If   you'll


                           tear 'em And then if yo .'11 oon pare 'em t   M   you'll   eay

                           really . really, really better
             They're .really
                   e


             You'll     be startin' in ri gh t
             Go buy a carton tonipht, they're okay

             Let'e light a Luoky Strike

             Luokiee have the taste you like

             Let's     lig}it one now
             'Cause you know           there's         nothin'

             Quite like puffin'
             Let's     light a Lucky ri ght now.
(APPLAUSE)




ta



                                                                             Hi}{U1    0184830
(SECOND       ROUTINE)                                 '                                                e
         ~/
JACK : ~J,ly, That was swell, fellows
                    Don . . .

DCN :               (WRISFERS)            Yeso Jack?
JACK :               (WHISIER)        How much will they want for appearinM ori the

                    program?                                                         af ~
DCN :                    ¢'6H         Their fee is a thousand dollars ;'

JACK:                (SCREAMS) AT?                0    RISI E RS INP1EDIATEL{)' I mean what . . .AP
                     thousand dollars
DCN :                (WIQSi E R) Yes, Jack .
JACK :               (WY I SPER) We11, you can te l9tthem that they're not                    exactl


                    what we had in mind .
DCNS (WHISIt7R) LOxt, J --

 ACKa (WIIISPER) 'em,tell .'em .

   Ns (WRI~SPE Okay . . .(DP) I'm sorry, fellows, but u're not
                     exactly       what Mr. Benny had in mind. . .Thanke for comi
                       ver
                             (SCUNDS        DOOR   CLOSES)

   N -- or heavene sakes, Jack, , I don't know why you eedt
    :                                                                                         lo    m

                     away ., .What are you going to do for a co ial on your

          _. ."'~^ .-show?
                     ..
         : D0 `C'       .RCH 3y           ABOUT    T          . WILSCN .

JACK ;        Of     course           n' .,Roo turn off the tap9 recorder . . .
                     No vo the tape to my produce r the                           program   we're

                     going        to --


fad



                                                                           19   T)S01 0194831
    ;                                                  9

~   DON : Jack Benny, that is without a d e cheapeet thing


      ROCH : WELL AROUND TILCtE-,TIPS 141E WAITER FOR HIS
                     BREAKFAST .
      JACK : « .^ .._~n N ^ever mi~..~

      DONs Say Jaok, would you like to go to a show with me
                     tonightY
      JACK : No, not tonight, Don . . .I've got a date .
      DON ;          With   whom?        ~

      JACKt Gisell MacKenaie. . She einge on The Lucky Strike Hit

     . Parade, and she's a lovely --

                            (SOUNDs KNOCK ON DOOR)

      JACK :   Come     in .

                            (SOUNDs-   DOOR   OPENS)
     . MEL : Here's your            breakfast .


      JACK:     . Thanks.
      MEL : There's the pepper and -alt, and here's a whisk

                     broom .

      JACK : A whisk broom . What's that                 for?


      MELa Cominq down the hall-I dropped your ham and eggs .
      JACK:yook, I told you, you can                   forget   the   jokes .


                      This trip I brought my own writers .                      .
      MEL : Okay, okay.
\


                                                                                    jn



                                                                 A T}i01 0164832
                                                                                  10




JACK;    . Give me the check, and I'll eign•it . . . . Here, boy,
                 and I wrote down the tip .
MELS          Hm . . .Say, Mr. Banny,   wouldntt   you like to erase the

                 tip and give me the same amount in        cash?


JACK:        WhyR               -

MEL :            Then   nobody but the two of   us will    ever know.
JACK:            Okay, here .
                        (SOUNDs COUPLE CF COINS CLINKING)
MEL :            Thanks .


                        (SOUNDs DOOR SLAhiS)
                            N
JACKs            Say, . Don, care to-havea little    coffee    with me4
DON s       ;~ No thanke, . Jack,I've already eaten .                    .,,
JACK :           Good, good .,Well, I better eat before it         gets    cold . . .
                 I've got a radio   rehearsal this   afternoon ...v and
                 tonight I = got to pick up Gieelle 11acKensie .
(TRANSITION MUSIC SHOWING PASSAGE OF     SEVERAL   HOURS OF EASTERN STANDARD
TIFME)

                 (SOUND : STBEET AND TRAFFIC NOISES . . .FOOTSTEPS ., .FADE
                            TO BACKGROUND)




                                                                                  JN




                                                          AT 8 01    0    1 0 4 8 33
                                                                   11-12-13-14


                  ~
JACK : Gee,=iiR has been a nioe day . I like to walk along
             Broadway and look at all the signe . . .look at all the
             naw picturee that have opened up, .,"Beat the Devil"
             with Humphrey Bogart,,,"It Should Happen To You" with

             Judy Holiday.> ."Riot In Cell Blook Eleven" . . .Gh              yes,


             that's based    on the   life of     Frank Remley,,,Gee, I
             thought the Hit Parade Studio              was   right around here
             eomewhere, but I don't         see   it.
             I better   ask somebody    where it ie, . .Escuee me, Mieter,

FRANK
FCNTAIHE : Huh, you talkin' to        me?


    :        Yes, I -- MO   ii NEWb mie, ~JACI .? I know you . . .You're John L .
             C. Sivoney .                                                 .
(APPLAUSE)




                                                                                     JAN




                                                               ATSl01 0184834
                                                                                                  ly
5'
     JACK :                   t'e nice running into you again, Mr . Sivoney ,-A/                            ?

     FRANK :     Wait a minute . . .who are you?
     JACK :      Don!t you recognize me? . . . Here, I'11                   step   under the

                 light . . Now take a good look at me .
     FRANK: Holy emoke, it's Jack Hennnyyyyyyyyyyy .
     JACK: Thet's right . . .Mr . Sivoney, the                    last     time I eaw you             was

                                                                                                       n
                  in Hollywood . . .what are you doing here in New York?
     FRANK : Well, I'11 tell              you how      it happened in a way . . .I             was



                 back in Hollywood . .,I             was just    hangin' around the

                 house . .juet       hangin' around the houee, . .I            wasn't        doin'

                 anything,,,Iwee              just   hpngin' around . .Ididn't feel
                                                                      ,
                                                                              7    4.~a,, . ... . •
                 like doiri' anything . . .juet
                           g                              hanging     around~ . 1rr I

                 said         to my wife . .:"Hey you .~ Sh e        said   , "'Who?" . . .I said,
                  "You," Shesaid,-"Me?" . . .I              said,    "YAH :" . .,She       said,


                  "What?",,,I         said,    "Answer .the phone" . . .She         said,      "No" . . .

                  I said, "Answer the phone ." . . .She said, "No .", . .I                       said,



                  "Answer        the phone ." . . .She    said    "No", . .Ieaid, " ne e
                  the nhon~e,,..~
                                "
                                "        she          said, "No ."
     JACK : Gee, why/didh't she want to answer the phone?

     FRANK : It hadn't rung ye . (IsAUGtiS~4

     JACK : Ch,,, Well, if the'yp•ho~~ne                 hadn't    rung,    why    did you want

                  her to answer it?

     FRANK :   Well,           she was   just hengin' around,         she wasn't          doin'

                  anything .
     JACIQ        Oh


                       .,MW




                                                                     RT}{U1 0184835
    FRAM{:      Well, then the phone rings,                     and it's        a quia progran ,
                    and I     answered   '1 the ueetione .oo reotly
    JAOK:                                        iT.,,w}iat did t ey aek you7
a

    FRANK :     Well, first they              asked   me   my     nane .
    JACK :          Naturally .


    FRANK :                 didn' t   stick                     n rry
                                              me, I had it right~ driver T s


    JACK:                             0h. .what
                    elee~ did they ask you on              this    quia progrsn7
    FRANK:          Well,     they told me that they had asked the eeme jaok
                    pot question of a lot of oontestants . .They                        asked       me "How

                mariv       lega   does a horse have4"             and     I   said .   "Shree," an d
                    I won .
    JACK : Wait a minute, John, . .thatie not the right answer,

    FRANKt I know, but I was the oloeeet .

    JACK : 16rmm .
                M


    FRANK:      -   They they amwunoed on the radio that the winner of th e
                         /

                    two week vacation in          Honolulu was             John L . C. Sivoney

                    and I     said,   "Holy Smoke, that ' s meeeeeee ."                   (   LAikHS)




                                                                                                        rnt




                                                                           AI'}{01 01           8   4 13 36
JACK :    John . .,John ., .did you eqv you won two                 weeks   in   Honolulu?


FRANK:    YAH
              .JACK
     : Then what are you doit g here                     instead?


FRANK: Well, I             asked   then if I oould oome here because I went

     .        to            tryout with the New York Giente .
JACK:      + W John. . .you oan't pl ay baeebell .
FRANK: With the Giente, that'e Qn e3vantege . . .(LALGHS)
JACK:       I      see   what you mean, . . We17., John, it wea nice              running


              into you, but I've        got   to   go   now. . . 1'm a little
              late for an e,ppoin+raent . . .by the ww . . .do you know

              where the Hit Parade Studio               is?


FRANK :       YMM16 . .itQe ~around the corner .
JACK: Well, thenks, jqp-I better hurry . ., Goodbye.
FRANK: So iorgy
(APA.ALBE)                           C~

                         (SOUrm: STRF,ET NOISE3 UP AND FOOT9MS , . .THIId

                                    FADE 10 BACIi*fiOUND)




                                                                                          Gm




                                                                    ATXO1        0   113 4 6 3 '
                                                                                                             -13-
JACK : Gee, what a               character . . . someone                            told him that        peroxide


                would keep his hair blonde so ~he dret~c three bottles . . .

                Oh, here's the theatre. . ~ ihere's the ateE3e door .
                          (SOUPID : OJUH,E FOOTSTER9 . . .LC70R OPENS .,CLOSN;i


JACK :                                SCUND OUT) Now let's aee, wnere --
 KRriIIi :      Hey you, where do yoyythink you're going7
JACK :          Huhy,, . Oh, I didn't notice you, Doarman. . . I'm gning
                in to see 1i.ss Gieelle 1'tao$enzie,
 Atm O .7       I'm eorry, na autographe till after the show .
JACK : But --
                                                                                              i
 KRAMII3 :   N.,,O   ut, 9;A . QI %                                                    / 1'                  ..
 JACK : N ait a minute, Ibonnen ., .                                               u oentt do     this    to me ., .
                                                                               P

                Bon't yo know who I an7
 KRAMEB : Sqy, you do 1                         f

, JACK: That's better .
 KRMNIt : You're the                       ho hee

                 Flaza,
 JACK : Look, 'eter --
 KRAMERS If get a               raise           one of                     these   d qy s, I X gonna move

                 outta that dunp,




                                                                                                                    cm




                                                                                         RTY{ 0 1        0194838
1226MM : Oh, yeeh. . .ehe Ieft word for you to go right in .
JA.CiC: Thank you .
K@A M : You'11 find her on the stage over there . . .and            please



               be quiet, ahe'e about to   rehearse   her number .

JACK :         (WHISPM S) Okay, okay .                         .

(GI9 %LF'S SONG -- "YOUNG AT II T ART")

(APPLAUS F )




mw




                                                        HTH01 0184834
                                                                                      20

(9HIHD ROUTINE)

JACK : (OFF--YELIS) Gieelle ;/that wae/ onderful .

GISELLE: Huh ~ Ch, it ' s you, .Jaok .
JACK:             Yes,   I came injuet             as   you    started   your number .
GISELLE : Well, I im all finished now, and we can go .
JACK:       Good . . Is ihere any p~rtioular place youtd like to
                  eat?
GISELLE: Well . .,h~ow about                 the    Ei ft4wiiie$?
JACK ;


GISELLE :         Twenty One?


JACK :      - Oh, I don"t know
                            .GISEL
         : How about E1 Morocco?
JACKo       . Well --
GISELLE: Say, I know juetthe plaoe . . .It ' e a little French
                  restaurant         qn Qr   d- Str eet. . .You ' ll love it. . .It ' e
                  called "LeMaie Le                                    Prix   Eet Bien ."
JACKs What               does    that mean?
GISELLE : Tne Food              Is   Louey But Tie            Price   is Ri g:i t.

JACK :        64w/k aso :mde            so    nice in Frend:. . 1§&hPMWAM=W .

                  ishmahek




G




                                                                          Hr 80 1    0   1   84   840
                                       _                                     21
                                             9
JACK : You know, Giselle, IAfigured.Zou l d euggest a French
                                                   'A
                 Reetaurant . . .your name is?Fr°"e'~n°oh', isn T t it?
           n
GISELLE:/ ~O Juet my       first   name. .,MaoKenzie is Scotch .
JACK : Ah, the Scotch . . .they ' re a great people .
GISELLE : Do you really think                so,   Jaok?
JACK :     Yee. . .both Phil Harrie and I love them, but for
                                      _~..~-          .    .
             different reasons . . .We,/turn this corner hers, d®b

                 a*


GISELLEt Jack are we going to walk alI'ihe way?
JACK :           Well .
         : (SE%Y) .GISEL Ch,   come          Jackie     Boy. .Wouldn't   it be fun
                 with just thei two of ue in a oab? .JHmm? . .Hmm?
JACK : (1ELLS) j=dgjl . . . . . jajl                       .

                 (SCUND;   TAXI    SCREEQiING TO        STOP)


BECK : You wanna oab, Mister?

JACK :     Yes. .Get in, Giselle .
                 (SOUNDs DOOR CPENS . . .SCUFFLING NOISES ., .DCCR
                 CLOSES)


BECK : bhere you wanna go, folks?

GISELLE: Up Broadway to               83rd   Street.
BECK :     Okay.


                 (SGUND : RATQiET      SOUND OF    METER BEING PU9IED
                 DOWN TO START)




                                                                  Ni 9 07    0    784841
                                                                        22


JACK :      Gee,       as soon   as he puehed     mote
                                                tmte           down~,3,t

                 registered twenty-five_cents . What ir appenei
                  to fifteen and five?, .,Oh    well . . .


                  (SOUND : MOTOR DRIPING AWAY„AND METER CLICKING
                 LI(SITLY,,,SUSTAIN 1iR0UQi0UT)
JA(5L : Gieelle,,,?
GISELLE: Yes?                               . u
JACK : Do you mind if I put my arm around you?

GISELLE :         . .,.Well, no, Jack .

JACK :       ,, .lhere wearo . . . . Now ae .I was saying.. .Since I saw
                  you last, I 1'hou E~ t about you quite often,
                                       t                                 and       not as

                  a singer or .entertainer, but     as    a beautiful ( CSETER

                  QLM,$), thirty    cents   girl whoNI couHbe very fond
         - of, .,,Aa a ne .tter of faot, during my many y ears in ehow
                  businese I t ve always thou~~'tt ~o.f   meeting     a girl as
                  eweet and intelligent-ae y6iz. You~rs e the type of
                  beauty that I we always admired . .a gorgeous figure,
                  dark flaehing eyes, gleaming       black     IMETER OLX MrSl
                  thirty-five cents hair . And you know, Giselle, I I m not
                  usually serious, but a date like           this   tonil§i t could
                  lead to another, and then       naybe   we   could   get engaged,

                  and aftera while, we 'd even i~is ms .rried. .and          Aj~   time ..
                  well. .you know how it ie . .we    could     even raise a family
                  and ave may e or two or even three (9L1R' U).forty

~           c en t s kid s . . . (MORE)

G



                                                                R 1' H01 0164 13 42
                                                                  23
    JACK:
     (CTD) Or msybe just, like in '&, e           song,   a boy for ym   and    a

                   girl for      LSI= forty-five ewieo WOOPS, 'IIIAT WAS A
                   QUI CK I E . .~~.
     GISELLE : ' Well, tHis is a Ricchochet Romance if I ever eaw one .

     JACK : IXi, Giselle, stop kiuding. .I l m eerioue about           this    and--
     ~ Hey, buddy, you back there . .ain ' t you Jack              Benny?




\   G




                                                           RTt{01 0 1 8 4 8 4 3
JNCK : Yes, .yes, .I am . . .Youeee,0iselle .I-~
     .
lW : I thought I reaogn3zed you when you got in .

JACKa 72!ank you .>You eee, Giselle . I'm really fonder of you
  t~~ .. than any - B~f
                                Say, Mr . Beruly, I got a brother               lives   in   Los


                                dngeles . .Name'e Crowley . .Joe Crowley. . .ever
                                run into him         there?
                                                                         ~
JACK : Crdaley?No, I don't think so . .,Anyway . Gieelle,
                                every man must         settle   down sometime, and when a nan
                                 feels that rcmance has oome into hie                   life . W   R--

                                 Funny, Jo 'e the kinda guy you'd piok out                           ace .



                                     Well, I'm sor river, but I d t see hinu .A
                                 I    was   eaying . Gieelle, a nan feels that rovanQe

                                has    come into hi<7.ife
'+laP:                          Cracke hie knuoklee a lot . funny you never heard him .

J6CK :                          LOOK,DRIVER, TBERE AId~', H ;hRLY TWO MILLION PEOPLE AW

                                IN LOS LNGELES .JIW I 6SSURE YOU I DON'T KNOW EVERYBODY .

t1m               : BUT JOE                 Z   LRS GLASSE3 .

 JGCK :                   Well . I'm eorrv . I didn't see him . , . . .Now                    let's      eee,

                                where was       I?


 GISELLE : Ronance had oome into your life and Joe was wearing

                                glasses .


 JhCK : Oh yes . . .Now Gieelle,                                as   I   was   saying, there oomes a

                                time when every man (CLUNK OF P'ETF .R ) ---HOLY SNOF                 E0h


                                LOOK AT TH4T NETE R. .jW SIXTY CENTS NOW .r .DRI9ER STOP

 pf                       THE        Ct.B .                                    -




                                                                                   RT 801          0184844
~~                          -z5-
$CMh But .we ain't..at,83rd Street yet .
JACKf I don't oare .stouyba rab . .your mster's too fastt

~i Look „Mister .vpu oan't_eet in mv oab and say

          I'm a orook .                                 ~ :•...

JACK : I DON'T       Wlg   . .YOU :C# N THIGK M SONE TOURIST7 Y ~
          CAN TAKCs PE FOR A JOY RIDE AND PLAY NE FOR A
a ( ONK F~p$~1aty-flve oenta SUCKER . . .1~LL,
          YOU CAN'T°~f~ .S~TOP THE CAB .
                   (SOUND : BPAKES . .DOOR OPHNS)
JACKt Here'a'your money .7 oon
                            e                  let'e,go, Gieelle .

GISELLE : . But Jack . .what about   dinner?


JACK : Don't worry.,he etopped .right            in   front of your

          apartment . . .e"W lR. you    must    have eomething 1n
           the   refrigerator .


(APPLAUSE .ANI) PLAYOFF)~




pf




                                                         RT 80 1 0784845
                                                                                                   -zb-
                                                               CBS OIT6TION - AhERICaN LEGION
   (AFTER PL,Y OFF MUSIC & l,PPL1USE DOWN)
   DON : Lh, Jack, the CBS Radio and Televiaion Networke, as

                  well   as    your ehow, have been singularly honored by

                  the +~meriran Legion, and here tonight ie Dr . Frank
                  Stanton,      President                      of   CBS .


   JLCK :     Hello .          Dr .    Stsnton, it'e ap].easure to have you here .

   STLNTON: Thank you, Jack
        .USE )                                   .(l,PL'
   DON : Gnd aleo, Jaok, Iy,=W like you to meet Mr . Jarrse

                  0'Neil,      Publisher                   of the       Lmerioan    Legion'e National

                  Paga zine .                                                       .. .
   O'NEIL :   Hello,          Jack .

        .USE)                           .(i1PL             j   Z

   JLCK : It's good to'see yeu . Mr, 0'Neil .                                                      '
   0'NEIL : Ith eortainly nice to be here with Dr . Stanton and you,

                  dsok. . . They eay                       that      when you put two      Legionnaires


                 together it doesn't take long to get a convention                                  going .


                 80   b"m     .w, Legionnaire Jaok                          Benny   of Fost 264. Lake
                 Foreet . Illinoie, we've got our own                                little   convention

                 underway with Dr . Frank                            Stanton as     our gueeAof honor.

   Ji.OK : That we have .




~' pf




                                                                                       R 1" X 0 1 0184846
                                                                                                                              -z7 .

0'NEIL : Well, Dr. Stanton and Jaok,as we 0 i~h~4/nxew year
             okvmMIUMSI~, The        6msrioan Legion               reviews


                         me   nts of 1953 in the fields of Radio and-
                                                           theacomplis
            Television and      is    privileged to preee t•the                                                         CBS    .$o
                                                                                                                                      .   .
                                Networks withaward. Dr .

            Stanton,ae President of CBS,                    The    Gmerioan Legion
     ~; oommende you and your I a dio e,nd                     Television                                               Divisions for

            maintaining a high          level      of clean entertainment 3wiYdS

           ,.,py W ieW% . We feel that the JaokBenny Show,
             sponsored   by   Lucky     Strike Cigaretteetypifies that
            quality. We also wish to .oite the CBS-A WAXWIft
             %domMOM


                          Networke for their unexcelled informatioml eervioee oMw 0l WmJd wieah
             peLl1A.For thesereasone~I .am very~ ~' oud to have the
              privilege .of preeenting~youwith i~r Citation, Dr .-                                                                            .

     . Stanton . • .                 •      -                                                                      .

DR. ST',NTON: 'ihank you, Mr, 0'Nei~l,,o ~and you too,                                                         Jack .     Speaking
              for the CBS Radio and~TeZevieion Networks both of whioh,
              ae you know, carry the             Jack     Benny progxam{ let me say
                                                                       ,,



              that we are deeply honored                 by   the 6merioan Legion'e

              recognition ef ourefforte . It haebeen our continuing

             objective over the          years     to bring
                                                                   .wYthe6mrioanpeol thebsten rtainmetandthe   most responsible



             news   and public     discussion          within our power .                                                  N    RE)




                                                                                                               RTH01 0184647
                                                                      -~-
qDR. MNTON : This latest teetimonial by the American Legion can
  (CONT'D)                  -
                 only eerveto give us renewed incentive in our
                  steady    pursuit   ofthie    goal .     .

                  Thank you very much :

     (APYLAUSE)              '.~.

     JACK :       Thank    you, Dr .StKnton     and Mr . O'Neil .   Andladiee

                  and gentlemen .     I'll   be back in   just   a.moment, but

                  first a word to cigarette smokers .




     pf
`




                                                                 ATH01 01 8 484 8
                                    -C-
THE JUCK BENNY PRCGEikM
rmlOH 7, 1954
CLOSING COMrERCIAL -




COLLINS : Luokiee,taste betterl~

CHORUSs Cleaner . Fresher. Smoother :
   a
COLLINS : L ,,aokiestaete better;
CHORUS :   Cleaner .   Fresher.     Smoother!


           For Lucky   Strike means fine        tobaooo ;

           Richer-tasting fine tobacco - •

COLLINSs Luckies taete better ;                     .
CHOHUS : Cleaner. Freeher . Smoot,her :                 -          .

           Lucky Strike : Lucky Strike

                                   :ANCR
      : You know friende, for a cigarette to really

           taste good, , it   has   to be frSBh . 9r d to be fresh,
-     the      tobacco inside must        have just the right
           amount of moisture . Not too much -- or the
           cigarette   will burn too slowly -- and not too
           little or it will taste dry . That's             wh   y the

           makers   of Lucky Strike       constantly    check

           moisture oontent during every step of manufaoture

           -- to make sure that Luokies' fine tobacoo comes

           to you with all its good taste .(MORE)


 pf




                                                            arx01        0184849
('LDSIN- COET1'L (OON= -D-

ANNCR :      For emoking enjoyment ie all a matter of                              taste .

(CONT I D)
             And the fact of the matter is -- Luskies                              taste     better .

             Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother . First                          because       --

             LS/MFP, Lucky Strike rrnane                    f=    tobacco .



             And eecond, beoause Luokies are p&sLa better --
             made under hundreds of quality                       controls        like

             the tests far proper moSSture                       content      -- to neke

             sure    that Luokies always               li   Q   taste   better . So,


             friends, for better taste every time -- Be Happy -- Co Lucky -- make your cigarette -- ~

             Lucky Strike ;               -       -

SYORTSMEN
       : :QOARTE Be Happy     -- Go     Lucky
(LONG
OLOSE) Get Better Taste Today ;




 pf




                                                                            RTH 0 1 0184850
                                                                                             -z9-
(TAG)
            w
JACK :G~ ~--I want to thank Frank Fontaine for bringing ue .hie

                         character of John L . C . Sivoney . .~^-~~L^"°"`A" •"

                         Giselle, I want to tell you how happy I am that you

                         could appear on n9r radio show tonight .

                                                                   .GISEL
                 : %~Jaok, it was a pleasure . .Te11 me, are you going right

                         back to     Hollywood?                               .
                     a
JACK:                    Oh   no. . .I have a couple more           things   to do here in    Now


                         York, and     then on March P" I'm going to               Washington,


                         D.C ., to    say   goodbye to    an    old friend .
GISELLE :Who1-JACK
          :          My       money . . . Goodnight,   Giselle .„~

(APPLAUSE)                                      . .             .                                 .

DON : The Jack Benry Show was written by Sam Perrin, Milt

                         Josefsberg, George Balser, John Tackaberry, Hal
    -         Goldman,                Al    Gordonk and   produced and transcribed           by

                         Hilliard 1larke.

                         The Jack Benny Program           was   brought to you by Lucky
                         Strike,produot of the American Tobacco Compaqy . . . .

                         America's Ieading manufacturer of cigerettes .




                                                                             HTXO1 0184857
                                             PROGRAM #27
                                             REVISED       SCRIPT
                                                                 I       I
                                                 //        ~
                                                      a.

r-   AMERICAN   TOBACCO      COMPANY

                         LUCKY STRIISE
                  THE JACK BENHY PROGRAM

     SUAIDAy MARCH 14 1954 CBS 4•00 4•30 PM PST

                 (TRANSCRIBID, MARCH 11, 1954)




                                                      RT 9 01 01     8   4 8 52
(OFENIAG COMNEROIALI_                                             -A-
      AA
IT1LCK SgNNY PRCGRAM F~
'MARCH 1T-195~-

WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PROQ2AM . . . transcribed end presented by

           Lucky Strike!
COLLINS : Luckies taste better!

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! a

COLLINS : Luckies taste better!

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother

           For Lucky Strike meens flne tobacco
           Richer-testing fine tobacco

COLLINS : Luckies taste better!

CHCIRUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother!

           Lucky Strike! Iucky Strike!
WILSON : This is Don Wilson, friends . Of all the reasons a person

           has for smoking, one stands at the very head of the list .

           That reason is . . . en7ovment . Why certainly! ou smoke

           for enioyment . And what gives you enjoyment? Why it's

           the teste of the cigarette . Yes smoking enjoyment is all

           a matter of tests . And the fact of the matter is --

           Luckies taste better . Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother .

           Luckies taste better for two reasons that have really made

           cigarette history . First, they're made of fine tobacco .

           LS/MFP -- Lucky Strike meens fine tobacco      . . . fine,

           naturally mild, good-testing tobacco . Then, Iuckies are

           made better    . . . . mede round end firm and fully packed, to

            drew freely end smoke evenly . Yes indeed . . . made with

            fine tobacco . Made better .
                                                                   (MOFE)

VR




                                                         R T80 7 0 e    1   4853
(OPENING C0tM1ER0I4~ -CONP!D)                                   -B-
AMERICAN TOBACCO CONPANY
MARCH 1 . 195


 IISON :    Those are your reasons for alxays asking for Luckies .
 CONT1 D)
            Those are the things that meke Luokies taste better .
            So, Be Happy -- Go Lucky . Next time youlre shopping ask

            for a certon of Lac Strike :

SPORTSMEN
QUARTET : Be Happy -- Go Lucky

(LOM
 CLOSE) Get Better Taste Today :




N?




                                                    a   1,801   0 e e
                                                                 1    4   54
.(CLO.SITRP COMMERCIAL)                                           -C-
AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
JACK HENNY PROORAM #27
MARCH 14, 1954


WILSON= Jack will be back in ,)ust a minute . But first, do you
(LIVE)
           remember the winner of lest year's $25,000 Tam 0'Shenter

            golf tournament, Lou Worsham? Here he is to get a word
             in wedge-wise :a
LBM1J
WORSHAM : Hello folks, The club that I have in my hand is e Double
(SOUND
 TRACK) Service Wedge . You'll remember that I've made one of the

            most lucrative shots that I have ever made with this club .

            During the Tem O'Shanter Tournament, I used this club at

             the lest hole . From a hundred end fifteen or twenty yards

            eway, and made one of the Lucky shots of my whole life .

             Other golfers might have chosen en eight or a nine iron to

            play this shot . To me, the wedge has been one of my

            favorites . On that day, that was a lucky choice . And

            when it comes .to e cigeretteS•my choice . . . Luckiea . . .

             they taste better

     :                   .WILSON
(LIVE) Lew Worshem is right . Smoking enfoyment is all a matter

             of taste . And the fact of the matter is -- Luokies teste

            better . Because Lucky Strike meens fine tobacco and

            Luckies are made better . So . . . Be Happy - 40 Lucky :

            Ask for a carton of Lacky Strike .

COId,INS : Luckies taste better,

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother .

            Lucky Strike : Lucky Strike :




VR




                                                       Hrx   0l   0184855
        (FIRST                       ROUTINE)                         -1-

        (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)
(DON : TRE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . .WITH MARY

                   ISVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS

                   TRULY" DON WILSON .
       (APPL9USE . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)
       DON : LADIES AND GINTLEMEN . .JACK BENNY AND RIS CAST ARE RETURNING

                   FROM TREIR TRIP TO NE4! 7(ORK . . .AT THE MOMENT THEY ARE IN

                   MARY'S COMPARTMENT ABOARD THE SUPII2-CFIIEF PLAYING TWENTY
                   QUffiTIONS .

.       (SOUND : TRAIN SOUNDS UP AND FADE TO B .G .)
.   JACK : Now let's see, Mary, we've used up sixteen questions and

                   we've found the .t you're thinking of something that's animal . .

I ~~he's very famous in show business, and Ssover six feet tall .

       MARY :~~    That's    right .        -
       DON : ~"~'1 I Imow . . .Jimmy Stewart .

       MARY :      No .


       MaBY• ~1+J .

       JACK : Gary Cooper?

       MARY : Yup'

       JACK : Well, we guessed that one . . .now let's see . . .It's your turn,

                  Dennis .
        )ENNIS : Okay . . .I got a good one .

        qN : Is it animal, mineral, or vegetable?

        ENNIS : It's animal . . . . . I think .

       ARY :      You think?
      JENNIS : YeSI .is a bird considred an animal?
                   .•


    -r -JL




                                                                 RT}{ 0 1 0184 85 E
                                                                   -2-


JACK : Certainly . . .(WHISPERS) Hey, Mar , .ht /is silly kid just gave

           himself away . . .Watch this . .(UP) Tell me, Dennis, is it a

           bird?
DENNIS : Uh huh .

JACK : (WHISPF5tS) You see, Mary, you see?

MARY : Yeah . . .Dennis, is this bird extinct?

bENNIS : No .

DON : ti Is this bird found in America?

DENNIS : Yes .

arax. •__za ss-e-wntp .Pa.:~?
Dl~-.atn .
MARY : A sparrow?
DENNIS : No .

DON : Robin?

DENNIS : No .
~rt8h?



JACK : Wait a minupte,~ Dennis . . .ls this a very large bird?
DENNIS
     : :JACK An eagle?

DENNIS : No .

DON : A buzzard?

DENNIS : No .

ymem--59~'-        ?


DON : Look, Dennis, does this bift       --




CL
CL




                                                        RT}S 0 1   0   '18 4 857
5"
     JACK : Wait a minute, Don, hold it, hold it, .,I think I-ve got it . .

                  Dennls,,,doee this bird go to Capistrano quite frequently?

     DENNIS : (SURPRISED) Yes, yes,

     JACK : (TRIUMPHANT) It's a swallow .
     DENNIS : No .

     JACK : No?

     DENNIS : ~iNo . .,Does everybody give up?

     MARY :   I    do .

     DON : I give up .

     JACK : Me too . . .what is it?
                                                                                   1
     DENNIS : Walter Pidgeon . .

     JACK :       . . . . .   Walter .   . . .   Walter Pidgeon,,,Dennis, how can you say

                  he's a bird?
     DENNIS : I read in the paper where he just flew to New York .

     JACK : All right, Dennis,,, .you thought he was a bird because his

                  name is pidgeon and he just flew to New York . . .but how can

                  you say that he frequently goes to Capistrano?

     DENNIS : His mother lives there .

     JACK : Dennis, that's the silliest thing I ever heard .

     MARY : Jack, it's your turn now .

     JACK : I know, and I've got a good one . . .You'11 never guess this
                  one . . .Co ahead, all you smart guys, start guessing .
     JON : Okay, Jack . . .is it animal, mineral, or vegetable?

     JACK : Animal .

     4ARY : Is it alive?

     JACK :   YeL.~

     DENNIS : A human being?




                                                                            AT}S 0 1   0184858
. JACK : Yes .

 DON :      Has    it got a mustache?

 JACK :   Yes.4
 MARY :y~ Bald?

 JACKN^^~~ "rYe2,~C
                 .      ~a
 DEPAII3 : I got it . . .iW %VWWL couldn't be .
 JACK :     Wait,     Denurb, . .who were you       thinking   of?

 DENNIS : My      girl,    but you don't know her .
 JACK : Oh fine . . .Now come on,Vkids, put on your thinking caps .

 DON : Let'e see . . .he'a a          man    with   a moustache . .is he in show

            business?


 JACK : Yes .

 >fARY : Does ,qhe make          pictures?


 JACK :   Yes .ti
 bON :    ft    0h    e of his   pictures    currently showing?

 JACK :     ]ft   .Z(.~-
 M4RY : I know          . . .he's Hexman Quigley the assistant cameraman on . ;:r'
                                                                                 .&

             Humphrey Bogart's newplcture "Beat The Devil" .

 JACK : (AMAZED) Gee, that's right -- but how in the world did

            you ever guess Herman Quigley?
MARY : It was obvious .
                   '^--
JACK : Obvious?
MARY :      Yes .~,~,juat before you    vent   to New York, you ran into him at
            the Brown Derby, he had forgotten his wallet,              you loaned     him

            a dollar and a half, and he's been on your mind ever since .
 .ACK : Yeah . . .Gee, I hope he pays me back the money . . .Look, his

            watch doesn't even keep good time .




                                                                     arxo   1   0   184   e   59
                                                                                              -5-

                                                                     o you mean
                                                                                      ?
 JACK :                     It's                your           turn,               Don .

 DON : O,k, You better skip me for a few minutes . . .I want to go back to

                            my compartment and see if the porter took all the dishes
                            out .
                            4
 JACK :                   Don . .Why is it whenever we're on a train, you never eat in

                            the diner, you always have your meals served in your

                            compartment .

DON : My wife makes me do that .
JACK :Why?DON

            : She doesn't want people .to see what a pig I am .
JACK :                    Oh . . .Well, hurry back, Don, so we can continue with the
                            game .
DON :                    Okay . . .

                                     (SOUND :   COMPAR'IIUEN}' DOOR OPENS & CLOSES   )


JACK : (WHISPERING) Hey kida-,4}I(•'•m glad Don's gone . . .I've got a

                    i
      ~~~' ~~~~'~'~~~c k i wan t to                play   on him .
DENIYIS :~'Whatis?JACK

              : Well, you know Don . . .he's always thinking about Lucky Strike

                            . . .so when we play the game again, and it's his turn, he's

                            sure to pick Iuckies          . . . and we'11 make believe we can't

                            guess it .

'MARY : What makes you so sure he'll pick Dack,p Strikes4

JACK : Because he never thinks of anything else . . .In fact, when be

                           went on his honeymoon, he registered at the hotel as Don

                           Wilson and Cigarette . . .So remember . . .when he comes back,

                           we'll trick him .




                                                                                  AiS{01 018 4 86 0
                                                                                                  -6-

    DENNIS : Gee, Mr . Benny . . .do you think that's much fun?

     JACK : You mean tricking Don?

    DENNIS : No, going on a honeysoon with a .cigarette .

    JACK : ~,Oh, keep quiet .

                            (80UND :DORBUZE)JACK
             : 7~71   That's     him . . .now don - t.forget, kids . . .(UP)          COME IN .

                            (SOUND : COMPARTMENT DOOR OPENS & CLOSES)

    JACK : Oh, it's B~obr ~Croosby .

    BOB : Yiya, Jac~' :y .Dennije. . .Hello, Mary .
                                 A o


    JACK : Say, Bob . . .vhere've you been keeping yourself?
    BOB : Oh, I've been in theJiounge with Bagby, Fletcher and some

                      of the other boys in the band . . .We'replay'ing a game called

                      Two Questions .
    JACK :       No .no,Bob . . .you mean twenty questions .
    BCB : No, tvo eations . . .Ginger Ale or Straight .

    JACK :       ould          have                 known . . .I haven't seen Bagby since he
                      fell off at Kansas City .

    BOB :             Coming or going?

    JACK :            Oh, he fell off going, too?
    B9B




    MARY :            Well, at least Bagby got back on . Remley missed the train
                      entirely in Chicago .
    BOB : ~~,Well~y~can                            blame that   on Jack's program .
    JACK :~V^^'My program?


4
    CL




                                                                                  ATH 0 1 0184861
    BOB : Yeah, they keep singing "Be Aappy,                                                                   Go   Iucky", and Remley

                                                 overdoes         it .
    JACK : Well look, Bob, whether ha over-does it or not, as soon as

                                                 we   arrive       in Los   Angeles,                we're going right to the studio

                                                 for rehearsal, and if be isn't tYere, I'm going to dock

                                                 him two         weeks salary .


    BOB : (J,~You 6an't scare Rem with that kind of stuff~ he comes from

                                                 a 7 very wealthy family
                                                                              .   .JACKdin'tkowha
    BOB :                                   VA         ,         s father made a fortune                   growing sweet    potatoes .
                                                           ILI
    JACK : SweetYpotatoes?
    BOB : He's got the biggest yam plantation in Texas .

    DENNIB :Ooh,watesld!JACK

                   : He said Yam! l EN IS

                                            : Oh
                .          "
    BOB : '47Jack, I've been)neaning to ask you . . . Why have you got
                                                 that black band on your arm?

    JACKi/•ATOmorrow is March Fifteenth

    BOB : Ch yes . . By the way, Jack, do yw make out your own income
                                                 tax return every year?                                                                  .
      ACK : No no, my business manager makes it cut and,tmings lt up to

                                                 the hospital and I sign it . . . Inciden ly, Bob, it's none

                                                 of my business, t I've often won ed . . .how much income

                                                 tax does Bing pay the                              rnme
       OB : Well, Jack, I don't know, s a matter of fact, the

                                                 government doesn't eve ow .

    4ACK :                                       What do you mean, government doeen - E I                             ow?
                                                                                                                     o,



L
    CL



                                                                                                                     fl   TH 0 1   0   1848 6 2
                                                                                    -8-

BOB : When inR .gends his money in they don't c they

                     jus




BOB : Well, I better get back and check on tho fellows .                     .'ll see
                    y~,o,,u~~a~ll laterf~

~     hcong,                      Bob .

                                 (SOUND : COMPARiTENT DOOR OPENS & CLOSES)
JACK : Now Dennis, while we're Naiting for Don, how about letting

     I us hear the song you're gonna do on next Sunday's show .
DENNIS : A11 right . . .But I'd like to dedicate the song to my girl .

JACK : Your girl? Okay, Bslwh•. . .vhet's namofhesgDENIS

            : "How Are You Fixed For Blades" .
JACK : Nov cut that out . . .and just do your song .
DENNIS : Okay .

(APP
       .LAUSE) (DENNIS'S SONG)

(APPIAUSE)




CL




                                                                    ATX01    0   184 9 63
                                                                                 -9-
    (sscorm RoDTI )
        ~~                   ~, .-~y
                                                                     ..,TOl~ Ga 4
    JACK~'1 waswery good, Dennls ;,                  A0     I know
                                                    on the ehow Sunday .
    DENNIS :    Don~t be eo eure .
                Why not?

                I'm having my tonsils out Saturday-nlght ./
               Sat uxday night? Dennis, are your tonails/infeoted2                                  `
                       1
     ~ENNIS : No .
            :
                                                                                                    ~
     ACK :             1, has your throat been      sore?                                          ~
      NNIS :    No .
     ACK :      Have    you b n oatching oolds?
     ENNI3 :    No .

     ACK :      Then why are you ving y r tonalls out?
     ENNIS :   A   doctor        friend of m ia coming over and I don ' t know ho
                to entertain         him .


    JACK :     What?
DENNIS :        Iast time he to out uq appe Sx .
    JACK :     Dennis,,,
iDENNIS :       If he keeps coming over, there wo n!t be anything left, ~
IJACK :        Dennis, there's no sense continuingthia               silly     conversatlon
j              with you so why don ' t you         just   --
                                 (SOANDDOOR BUZZEft)                 ~/
    JACK :      (NHISPERS) ~-oh, kids, that must be Don                        ember/th
                trick we ' re going to play on        him .            -
DENNIS : J~at is~~i
                  .wtagin?JACK
         :°~,(j
              .~When it~e h1s turn, obody guesa tha'~tS'b''Ys Lucky Strike-s,-,/~~
                COME IN .

                                 (SOUID : COMPARTbffi9T DOOR OPENS &       CLOSES)




                                                                       prx     01    01   e   48    e   4
        ..
..v..._~ .a6a+~+m_~1ptly .>kfY•;M .Pavr.im




            DON : Hi, kids, aiew you still playing Twenty Questions?

            JACK : Yes, Don . .and you're just in time . . .it's your turn .

            DON ;    ~~A   Good, .I've already   got  something in~m ni d . ./.S tart guessing .
                                                              -       -~~~
            JACK :         Okay . . . :is it a living thing?
            DON :      No .
            MARY : Is it a manufactured axTkicle?

            DON :     Yes .                              ~

            DENNIS : Does its mother live              n Ca      no?

            JACK : Dennis, don't waste ationa .

            DON : That's not a ted question . .it's lso found in Capistrano .

            JACK : Oh, really . . .Well, tell me, Don . (WHISPIIi9) Get this, Msry
      '.                    . . .(UP) Don, is this thing you're thinking of nearly three

                           inches long, about a Fslf/ inch thick and white in color?

            DON : (EKCITID) Yes, yes .

            MARY :         Is it round and firm and fully packed?

                               . ~'s amazing the way you people are guessing it .
            DON : ,gYd.e,.,s~yeys~

           ilENNIg : Is t free add easy on the draw?
                                                 ~ .
            DON : Yes, yes, . .now come(coma on, you're getting warm, you're

                           getting warm .

            DENNIS : An electric blanket .

            DON :      No . ~

            JACK :     Gee .f I thought-it was an electric blanket, too, . .Didn't you

                           Mary?


            M4Rl :     Yeah .

            JACK : Well, look, Dan . .1s this thing you're-irllig about
                           associated with the letters , L .S .M .F .T .?

            DON : Yes yes yes yes, that's it, yes .
      ~ JACK : Now let's see ---

            BG



                                                                           HTH 0 1 0184865
(-, MAftY : Gee, this Ss too                      hard,    I give up .

    DENNIS    : I do, too .

    JACK : Me, too .
    DON : Oh, for heaven's sakes, kLi~d,s, how can you possibly give up
                  when you're so close? . .~We7n you guessed IM it was almost
                  three inches long, ar white in color, I was sure you knew

                  what it was .                                         4

     JACK : Well, we don't, Don . .Do we, Mary? . . Come on, tell us what

                    t 1s .

     DON : (MAD) Oh, all right . .it's a piece of chalk
          :        . . . . . . . .   A . . .A: . piece of chalk .         . . .   Don Wilson, you were
                                                                                         .JACK
                  thinking of a Lucky Strike and you know it .

     DON : No, I wasn't, Jack .

     JACK : Now wait a minute, 1ns . .I'll admit that chalk is white
                  and can be three inches long . .I'll also admit that it's

                   round and firm and fully packed . .But how in the name of

                  Dorothy Collins are the letters L .S .M .F .T . associated with

                   a piece of chalk?

     DON : But they are, Jack . .L S M F .T~-STAPID FOR LEIBOWITZ, SANDERS,
                   MacINTYRC, FINLS,Y ANI) TL•TTLCBAUM, Tfli BIOCfFST CHALK

                   MAPNFACTURAL4 IN THE WORLD :

     JACK :        . . . . . . . . . . . . .   Hmtmmuimm

         : (IAt1GHINQ) You're not msd, are you, Jack?
                                   .DON

     JACK : No no, Don1Tn fact, I've~'got to give you credlt . .You've
                   got a       lot     of bralns . .but then it takes a lot to fill that
                   big fat head of                yours . . . . Chalk   makers . . .

     MARY :   ~/ , Come on, let's get on                   with   the gama . .Whose turn is it now?




                                                                                       f?TH01 01   8   4 8 66
                                                                                                     -12-
  Y
  _fACK : Nobody's . .I'm not playing any more . .I'm going to the club
C - oar and read for awhile . . .See you later .

                                    (SOUND :                   COMPARTMENT        DOOR OPIIVS i: CLCSLS . .LSCRiT

                                                                               TRAIN         NOIS7S)                  -

       ACK :        Hm . .The largest chalk manufacturers in the world . .Don                                    j   ust

                       made that up (SOUPID
                                              ;TRAINHSLD)tCK

                ; Leibowitz, Sanders, MacIntyre, Finley, and Teitlebaum . . .

. That's almost as far-fetched , ~a s Baton, Barton, Durstine end
                                   ~

                       Little Old Osborne . . .(SIN(3S)'wB hae~ppy, go Lucky . . be hap

                                   _(SOUPID : DOOR OPEETIS, LOUD TRAIN NOISE4 IIP , .DOOR

. `,        .                           . CIASFS

       fACK : Lucky strike today .                             . . . .   HeY, we'11 be in Albuquerque       soon .


                  J~   ,That'11 be a hundred andtwenty-six dollars worth of                                 my


                        ticket used up . . .(SINGS) Be p, go Luodidn't

                        think the club car was so i\ip .;uh, pardon me, lady .

       LORIA : Why certainly . . .Say ./Wo-Jacck Benny, aren't you?

       ACK :
       l   ORL4 : Mr . B3nny . .would you mind autographing this magazlne for my

                        grandaughter?
                                  ~GC
       ACK : Your grandaughter? I;is be glad to . . .There you are . . .Are you

                        going to Los Angeles?

       FLORIA : Yes, I'm going to visit my son in Beverly Hil1s . . .Perhaps

                        you know him . .he's a competitor of yours .

       TACK : Oh, is he a comedian?

       iLORIA : No, he owns a laundry .

 ~ . JACK :         Oh .




                                                                                              Hrss 01       01e 4 e6       ?
                                                                     -13-

GLORIA :    He's an awfully good boy . .He's having me come all the way

            out from Chicago just to celebrate my birthday . . .That's
            tomorrow .        ,    ~/ . 7. f,H„~ P!!. --
JACK : Oh, how nice .!L
                      ~ old               will   you be?
GLORIA : Thirty-nine .

JACK : Oh, you're teasing me~~-l-~
                                                                     11
GLORIA : Yes, I am . . .I'm really seventy-two .

JACK : 7 v! Then wt   y1do-   you tell people you're thirty-nine?
GLORIA :    It gets laughs .

JACK : [J~-,Oh, I see .
                         a. R-
GLORIA : Well, goodbye .f .thanks for the autograph .
JACK : You're welcome . .Goodbye ,

GLORIA :   That's u~y fountai pen .
JACK : .~74, Oh, I'msor         . re you are . . Gee,ibr an old lady, she' s
           got eyes like a hawk . . .(SINGS) Be happy, Go Lueky ._4~,a

                          (SOUAID : DOOR OPENS . .TRAIN NOISES UP LOUD . .DOOR

                                      CLOSEi . .SOUfID TO B .G . )

JACK : Lucky Strike today .

ROCH : YEAH, CALIFORNIA IS SURE A NICE PLACE TO I .SVE, SAM .

JACK : Oh-oh, there's Rochester . .He's in there talking to the

           porter . .I'm going to stay here ¢nd listen to this .

ROY : How long have you been working for Mr . Benny, Rochester?

20CH : TWELVE YEARS, SIX MONTHS, AND FOURTEEN W .E,u~ [t5 .

10Y : )OHow come you know the time so exaotly ?

7CCH : MY      FRIEND, WHEN       YOU'RE IN MR . BENNY'S EMPLOY, YOU DON'T GEP
           MONEY, YOU GET SERVICE STRIPIS .




                                                                AT9{ 0 1    ca iea.aEa
                                                                             '
    Y

~ . ROY : Well, Rochester . .if he ain't paying you much, why don't

                     you leave him?

        ROCH : 0H, I'D NEVER LEAVE MR . BETlNY . .H6VIAY HA .U.E HIS FAULTS . .BUT

                     DEEP DOWN INSIDE HE'S THE ISINDPST DLAN I KNOW,

        ROY :        Really?


        ROCH :   YEAH . .I'LL NEVER FORGEf R7E TIME I HAD PNFUMONIA . . I WAS SO
                                                 a
                   SICK, .FOR A FULL WEEEC I HAD/HUNDAE9 A]'ID FIVE FEYER . . .AND

                     ALL THAT TIME MR . BIIJNY STAYFD RIGHT WITH ME .,FID ME, AND

                     NURSEO ME
             : No kidding?
                         .ROY

        ROCH : AND THEN AT TWO 0'CLOCK ONE FfORNING, I PASSED THE CRISIS, MY

    . . FEVER BROKE, AND MY TEbffLRATURE W13JT DOWN TONQiMAL . .viP .BENNY
                                                                  .

. LOOKED AT ME, SMILED, AND SAID, "ROCHhSTER, YOU'RE GONNA BE

e,+        ALL     RIGHT ." . . .T}EN HE YAN[',ED ME OUL OF BED AIm SHOVID A

                     BROOM IN MY HAND,



                 _ -weee)

        ROY :        You know, Rochester, . .thia isn't the first time Mr . Benny's

                     been on one of   my   cars . .I've   made   the trip with him cross

                     country several times . . .Man, it's morder .

        ROCH : I KNIXJ .
        ROY : Oh, I don't mind the fact that he don't tip much, but
                     whenever he's aboard, the train is always fifteen or twenty
                                   ~
                     minutes latej A couple of years aGo he insisted that the

                     train make an unscheduled stop at Newton, Kansas . .Then once
                                         22
                     he made us stop for half an hour at Gallop, New Mexlco . .Once
\                    he set the Super Chief back a whole hour when he Cot off

                     at Trinidad, Colorado . . .And this .trip I heard him tell the
                     conductor to make another unscheduled stop .

        BG

                                                                       Hr   901   0   16 4 1369
                                                                -15-


ROCH : AT FLAGSTAFF, ARIZONA .

ROY : Yeah, yeah . .Has he got relatives Sn all those places?

ROCH : NO, BANK ACCOUNTS .

JACK : (I wish he wouldn't discuss my private affairs .)
ROY : Rochester, I can't understand why Mr . Benny keeps saving

          his money like that . . .He's not married . .he's got no family . .

          No children . .Who is he gonna leave it to? 0 .
ROCP. : WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'S GONNA LEAVE IT?

JACK : ROCHEBTERI
ROCH : HUH3dpH, B6Li.0, Boss .
    G2t~ .r.C- 7L~--~
JACK : 'ROChester, I heard what you were      saying, and   if you don ' t
         behave yourself, you ' re not gonna get that new gold stripe
          this year . . . .Now I : 11 be up in the club car in case you

         want to 8ee me .                                         .

ROCH : YES SIR .

                    ~SOUPUI : TRAIN WHISTLES . .LIGHT TRAIN NOISES)

JACK : Gee, I had a good time in New York . . Irlooked up all my

         old friends . .ate in those wonderful restaurants .jNX my

         sponsor was so nice to me . aYl, I spent over twenty minutes

         in his office . . est he let me sit down this time . .He's a

         nice guy . . (SINGS) Be happy . .go Luoky . .Be happy --

                    (SQIIND : DOOR OPENS . .LOUD TRAIN NOISES . .DOOR
                             OLOSES . .NOISES DOWN)




                                                         ATH 01        01848' 0
                                                                                                      -16-

 JACK : Lucky Strike today . . .Oh, look at that cute little boy . . .
                                       (UP) Hello, little boy .
 HARRY :                               Hello,    Mister .
 JACK : What's your name?                                                           . .

HARRY :Mynameis-SlArn'tyouJackBe?ACK

                          : Why yes . .yes, I am .
HARRY : I recognized you from your television show .

 JACK : Really?

HARRY : Uh huh . . .I saw that one with Liberace and it was great when

                                       you played your violin . . .Thanks very much .
 JACK ; Thanks .~~ :. You're thankir, me for playing the violin?

HARRY : Yeah, the next day my a let me stop taking lessons .

 JACK : f5mroo . . . . We1l, goodbye, little boy .
HARRY : Goodbye, Mr . Benny•and thanks again

                          : You're welcome, youtre welcome .                              .JACK

                                                             (SOUND : DOOR CPENS . . .TRAIN NOISES UP . . .

                                                      - DOOR CLOSES . . . . NOISFS OUT)

 JACK : Gee, the club car is crowded . . .Oh, there's a vacant seat

                                       next to that man over there . . .PSccuse me, Mister, do you mind

                                       if I ait -here?
HAL :~, 4,N0 NO                                 NO,   NOT AT ALL   . . . .   GLAD TO HAVE COMPANY .
 JACK : ~itGZThank you . (Well, here's a late newspaper . . .I think I'll--)
HAL : Sure is exciting out on the road . .I'm travelling for

                                       Watson's Woolen Underwear .
 JACK : Watson's . . .Woolen . . .Undervear?


TB




                                                                                                  flT?{01    0   1848   ;1   7
HAL : Sure, you must have heard of us . .we advertise on the radio . . .

          (SINGS TO TUNE OF PEPSICOLA JINGI,E)

                             Watsons Woolens fit you snug,
                             Keep you warm as a bug in a rug,

                              One flap button instead of two,
                             Watsons Woolens are the buy for you,

                              Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle,

                ~~ tickle, tickle .
JACK : Oh yes ) . .I know that program . . .it features Spade Cooley

          and his Itchy Seven . . .How t s   business?


HAL : Not so good . .was even bad in Chicago last week . . .Chicagofs

          always been a great underwear tawn . . .Windy City, you know .
          (LAUGHS)
JACK:

HAL : Yep, was in Chicago Just two days ago, .walked into a

          buyer of Bon Ton Department store, spread entire
          line aaaall ov Z his office, and he woul even look

          at it .
JACK :    Too bad .
                                      ,
HAL :     The buyer said to me, it w,a(soo old fashloned . .That t s the

          trouble with the world .~too       much progress .   I used to
          carry a line of under,r/ear and all they were interested in
                                        \
          was whether they d small flaps or large flaps . .but today,

          they want to w whether theytve got sixteen or twenty-inch

          screen .

JACK : Times have changed .

HAL : Yep, from flannels to channels .
TB




                                                         RT>S 0 1   01948,72
                                                                   -18-

    JACK : I know what you mean .
    HAL : Oh, are you ina ar, too?

    JACK : Not today, itts-pa warm . . .Have you been in the underwear

              business very long, Mister---- Mister---
    HAL : March .

    JACK :   Mr . March, have you been in the underwear business very

              long? ii
    HAL :No, just a few months . Iused to travel for the firm of

              Leibowitz, Sanders, Maclntyre, Finley and Teitlebaum .
    JACK : Oh yes, the chalk manufacturers .
    HAL : Hey, you've been around .

    JACK : Oh, I-ve travelleda bit . .Well, so long, Mr . March .
\ HAL : So lon g . . .enjoyed talking to you . .and donIt forget . . .

               (SINGS) Watson's woolens fit you snug .


                                . ep/ o warm a bug of two,
                               ~.~~°.~`~asinstead in a rug .
                               One flap button

                                Watsons Woolens are the buy for you . .

                                Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle,
                                tickle, tickle .
    JACK : Gee, what an eager beaver .

                                (SCUND : DOOR OP}3QS . . .TRAIN NOISES UP . . .

                                DOOR CL4SES . . .NOISES OUT)
    JACK : Well, I think I'll go to bed . We arrive in Los Angeles so

              early .
    ROCH : YEAH . .NO DOUBT ABOUT TT . .YOU SURE HAVE AN INTERESTING JOB,

              SAM .
L JACK : (IEnm, Rochester's still talking to that porter)
    ROY :you're right, Rochester, I've been across the continent

  ` J over a hundred times .
   TB



                                                               HTX01 018467,3
                                                                -19-

ROCH : GOSH, YOU MUST KNOW          EVERY   INCH OF IT .

ROY : Yeah, and America's an amazing country . .It has Harlem on

            the East Coast ; Central Avenue on the West Coast .and all

            that waste in between .

ROCH ; AIN'T IT THE TRGTH . . .WEi3„ SAM . . .DON'T FORGEP OUR DATE . .THE

           FIRST SATURDAY NIGHC R7R YOU'RE IN LOS ANGELFS, WE'LL GO

           OUT WITH THOSE TWO GIRL FRIENDS OF YOURS .

ROY :    Okay .

ROCH : FIRST WE I LL HAVE DINNIIi . . .AND THIN WE'LL TAKE THBM TO THE

           HOLLYWOOD    BUrlL .
ROY : But Rochester, this time of .the year therets nothing going

           on at the Hollywood Bowl .

ROCH : WE'LL CHANGE THAT

     : Oh, Ro~nc~hester---- .JACK
            ;~xES, BOSS .
ROCH : HGH? /
JACK : I'm going to bed . .Meke sure that my luggage is all ready

           when I get off i%A* . .d.4}ier tomorrow .

ROCH : I WILL . . .GOODNIGHP, BOSS .

JACK : Goodnight .
ROY : Oh, Mr . Benny?

JACK :   Yea.°=
ROY : Are you gonna get off at Loe Angeles or Pasadena?
JACK : Pasadena, I always get a bigger reception there . Goodnight .

ROY : Goodnight .

(APPLAUSE .      AND         PLAYOFF)                •
TB




                                                           arx 01 0 1 e 48,14
                                                                                e



                                                                    -20-
(HIGHWAY SAFETY   ALLOCATION)


JACK ; Lsdies and gentlemen, here's a reminder from the National

           Highway Safety Council . When driving, remember that

           courtesy is contagious . The careful driver always

           considers the careless driver . The Golden Rule applies

           An driving, too . Drive as you would have the other fellow

           drive . And please remember, when you're in y3ur car, be

           a wise driver -- not a wise guy .

           Thank you .
APPLAUSE


DON : Jack will be back in      just   a minute .   But   first, do you
           remember the winner of last year's $25,000 Tam       O'Shanter


           golf tournament, Lou Worsham? Here he is to get a             word


           in wedge-wisel




                                                           A   rx   01   0,1    e a,5
                                                                                4
(TAG)                                                        -21-

                                        ~SOUfID: FOOTSTEPS . .iSEY IN IACK„DpOR OPEN3)
JACK :   Well,                         Rochester,              here     we    are   home
                            again,
ROCH : YEAH, HlAE . FOUR                           WEEKS   IS A IANO TIME .
JACK : Believe me ~I Qot sick and tired eating at those restaurants .

                            i~iicsg."6od ~home a@W . I'm a little hungry . How

                            about a nice home-cooked meal?
ROCH : OKAY,                         BOSS,   I ' LL DO IT RIGHP NOW .
JACK : Good, what are you going to fix me?

ROCH : WELL, IfLL FIX YOU SOME VEAL CVtIETS WITH SOUR CREAM . . .A

            SIDE DISH OF ASPARGAUS WITH SOUR CREAM . .A NICE SAKED

            POTATO WITH CHIVES AND SOUR CREAN . .APID FOR DESSERT,

            STRAWBERRIES AND SOUR CREAM .

JACK : ytrSfi~~~, Rocheeter, why does everything have to have

            sourceam?ROCH

    : WHEN WE y'L~P~T, I FORGOT TO STOP THE MILK .

JACK : Gir .. .ly ,ye11, go ahead and fix it . . .

            Goodnight, folks,

APPIAUSE)




                                                                              RTx01 0184e76
                                                                               _z2_


  DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt

         Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al
         Go2don, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .


         The Jack   Benny      Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike

         product    of   the   American   Tobacco Company . . . America ' s leading
         manufacturer of cigarettes .




~ MG




                                                                RT}lO1 U184877
                                                         PROGRAM #28
                                                         RE/I~ISE/D~SCRIPT~ ~
                                                         4~1-vi%~1~nfe .d.l.O"vJ
                      THE AMF72ICAN TOBACCO COMPANY

                               73JCKY BTRDSH
                          THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM




    SUNDAY, MARCH   21,    1}954          CBS       4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST



                     (TRANSCRIDED,   Mnxox 18, 195 4 )




4   DH




                                                         Nrx 1
                                                             0    0184878
THE JACK BENNY      PROGRAM                                          -A-
MARCH   21, 195 4
(TRANSCRIBED : MARCH I8, 1954)
OPENING COMIMERCIAL


WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . .       Transcribed   and presented by

              Lucky Strikel

COLLINS : Luckies taste betterl

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother :

COLLINS : Luckles taste betterl

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother

              For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco

              Richer-tasting fine tobacco

COLLINS : Luckies taste better :

CHORUS :      Cleaner, Fresher, Smootherl                 .

              Lucky Strike : Lucky   Striket


WIISON : This is Don Wilson, friends . You know, recently a

              cigarette ad appeared in a well-known national magazine .

              Perhaps you saw St . Near the top of it were the words :

              "I don't have to smoke Luokies ." Those were the words of

              the man whose picture was in the ad -- Mr . Robert

              Montgomery whose TV show is aponsored by Lucky Strike .

              In the ad, Mr . Montgomery said that there was nothing in

              his contract that said he had to smoke Luckies . He smoked

           , them - and had for years - because he liked the way they

              taste . That makes sense . Smoking en~oyment is all a

              matter of taste . And as Mr . Montgomery - and many million :

              of other smokers will tell you - Luckies taste better .
                                                                (MCRE)




DH




                                                          prx   01   0184   e 9
                                                                             ?
THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM                                             _B_
MARCH 21, 1954
(TRANSCRIBED : MARCH 18, 1954)

OPENING COMMERCIAL (CONT'D)
             Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Taste better because they're

             made with fine, naturally mild tobacco . And they're

             made round and firm and fully packed . Made to taste

             better . Just remember that the next time you buy

             cigarettes, and ask for a pack of Lucky Strike . You'll
                         a
             find Luckies    give   you real anwkinx   enjoyment   because
             they do taste better .

COLLINS :    Luckies taste    betterL


CHORU5 : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother :
            Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike!




                                                          Hrx 1 0
                                                              0          184   ee0
              (FIReT                                     ROUTINE)                        -I-
1".
              (AFTER   COMMERCIAL,    MUSICPANDOW)
                 : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY

                         LIVINGSTONE, ROCHFSTER, DEMVIS DAY, BOB CROSBY AND "YOURS
                         TRULY" DON                  WILSON .


              (APPIAUSE . . .MUSIC

              DON : IADIEi AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGFfI' JACK BENNY Lt7ES ANOTHER

                         TELEVISION SHOW WITH HIS GUFST STARS BING CROSBY AND

                         GEORGE BURNS . . .BUT F]EANWfIILE, LEP'S GO OUT TO JACK'S HOUSE

                         IN BEVERLY HILT.~g . I KNOW HE'3 HOME

                                                            IF YOU' FOId,OW ME, WE'LL GO IN AND PAY
                        JACK A VISIT .
                              (SOUND : DOOR OPEN4)
~      ELVIA : (ANGRILY) . .And you needn't ask me to leave because you're

                         going to sit there and listen to what I've got to sayt
              DON : OH-OH, WE BEPTER NOT GO IN . . .THEStE SEM TO BE SOME SORT OF

                        A COMNOTION GOING ON .
              ELVIA : I haven't told you half what's on my mind,,,and believe me,

                        I'm talking for everybody in this neighborhood . When you

                        first moved in, we thought you were a nice, gentle, kindly
                        old man . . .but before we knew it, you had the mortgages on

                        all our houses . Oh, I don't blame you for not saying
                        anything . . .all you can do is sit there with your mouth

                        open . And why?                   . . . because even you know that that last

                        trick you pulled was the cheapest, most abominable thing
                        anybody ever did . Imagine, putting a woman with seven

                        children out on the sidewalk because she missed one
                        paymentl                                 ~
              JACK : Rochester, turn off OWradio .
      `4 RwH : YEB, SIR .
         DH



                                                                                  R1"}{0 1   01   8   48 13 1
                                                                              -2-

       RUBIN : (FILTER) You have just heard another episode of that
                 thrilling story, "The Mean Old Man" . . . In tomorrow's

                 episode, you wi11 near tne true

                        (BOUND : CLiCK)

       JACK : Thanks, Rochester . .
       ROCH : I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LISTEN TO THAT PROGRAM, BOSS, IT `

                 ALWAYB UPSETS '~0U .-                                       p
       JACK : Well, I don't know where they get those fantastic ideas M+~w
                                                                                        .
                 Nobody can be that cheap .                                  ~
       ROCH :

       JACK : And that corny title . "The Mean Old Man' . It's
                 ridiculous .
                       (SOUND : PHONE RINGS)
       ROCH : I'LL GEP IT .

                       (SOUND : RECEIVER UP)
       ROCH :   MR . BENNY'S RESIDENCE . . . STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, RADIO,

                 TELEVISION, AND TFE,ONLY LAUNDRY SERVICE THAT -- HUH? . . . .

                 OH OH OH . . H6J,Ip, MISSLIVINGSTONE . . .I AIAfOST WASTED A

                 COMMERCIAL ON YOU . . .YEAH, I'LL PUT HIM ON . IT'S MISS

                 LIVINGSTONE, BOSS .

       JACK : Thanks . Hello, Mary, how do you feel? What? A hundred?

                 Mary, that's awful . . .thatAk . .Oh, your temnerature, I

                 thought you meant the doctor bill . Anyway, I'm glad you're

                 feeling better . . .And Mary -- What? Oh, you're welcome,

                *=P • . .I'm glad you enjoyed it . . . . I'Il call you tomorrow . . .

                 Goodbye .

                       (SOUND :R%pEIVDOWN)CH

            : WHAT DID SHE THADIlC YOU b'OR, BOSS?
~ DH




                                                              Hr   901   0   184882
                                                                                          -3-

    '   JACK : Well, eve0ybody has been sending her flowers and fruit and
    ~   candy .~f•g~-^so~I thought I'd be a little different .

          ROCH : WHAT DI'D YOU SEND HER?

          JACK : A bowl of chili . . .It's good in this nippy weather . . .
                    Anyway, it looks like Miss Livingstone will be back on
                    the program next week .

                     Fa'1R5=                40D'DO1P''Rr43EED ME NO             GO IN T
Z
          ' LIBRARY AND FINISH WORKING ON YUR SCRAP BOOK .
          JACK : Oh, fine fine . . . You know, one of my biggest thyills is
                    when I show my scrap book to people

              : I KNOW, THAT'S\WHY I PUT THE PICTURE .~ROCH OF /gOU SHAKING HANLS, .
                    WITH PR6IDEN'i' EI WER RIGHT ON THE FRONT COVER .                         'i
          JACK : Good, good . What's n the back cov ?
          ROCH : AN AD, YOU SOLD THE SP E TO HEVITZES WINE .

          JACK : Oh yes . . . .Well, Rocheste pa e that picture of ine playing`
                      e the violin on the inside 0 er .                                              .

          ROCH : I CAN'T, WE'VE GOT THAT FOR SERUTAN .

          JACK : Oh .

          ROCH : HEE HEE HEE HEE .                     \
          JACK : What are you ughing at?

          ROCH : YOU'VE GOT HE ONLY SCRAP BOOK THAT~$ HANDLED BY BATTEN,
                    BARTON, DUR3TINE, AND OSBORN .          `~
          JACK : Yeah . . .Well, you go in the 1lbrary and\paste all the

                    reviews in my scrap book .                        -
          RMit•   ]~li`S   SIR


                           (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER)

          JACK : I'll get it .

                           (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)

          JACK : (HUMS      LOVE   IN   BLOOM)


                           (SOUND : DOOR OPENS)



                                                                          arK   01   01   e   4883
     . ~~~+o-CcK : Well,           hello,    Mr . Brown .
    lA6(NIEEKLy) Hello, Nfi . Benny . . . . . .I'm sorry I'm three days

                     late with the rent on our house . . . . but here it is .

    yJACcK : .,~Thank you .

                  r.[~,By the way, Mr . Benny, our hot weter heater is leaking . . .

                     do you think maybe you could hsve it fixed?

          .
    ~A,~-CeK : Well .
    4                          . . .   plumbing costs are awfully                    high   now .        y

                     I   guess they are . . .but it's been months since you promised
                     to peint the            living      room .

     JACK :          Well ---

          ~!~ '      I fixed the hole in the roof myself .
1


     JACK :          Good . . . .good .

                     Well,         I guess    I'll      be running along . Goodbye,                 Mr   . Benny .

     JACK : Oh, by the way,                      Yx   . Brown, how's your wife? What's she

                     doing now?                                                                                .

                     Oh,    haven't you heard? . . .She                     writes    that radio program . . . .

                     The Mean Old M9n .
     JACK : Oh,I listen to it every day . Your wife has quite an

                     imagination .
~ Yeah, yeah, imagination .

    ~J(,o4 C?K : Huh?

`                    Goodbye,           bfi . Benny .

     JACK : Goodbye .

                               (SOUND : DOO t CIASES .            . . . .   FOOTSTEPS)

    ROCH : WHO WAS IT, BOSS?

     JACK : Mr . Brown from IAng                         Beach .


     ROCH : OH .           . . .   Y(AJ KNOW, HE'S BEEN CO MPI4ININ} A LO NG TIME AB(APf A

                     HOIE IN TFUv' ROOF .
     WA




                                                                                            RTXO? O1B4BB4
                                                                         -5-

JACK : It's fixed, it's fixed .
ROCH : 7l* , BOSS, I DON'T HEbW, MER YOU SENDING ANYONE IOylN TO FI8

          IT .


JACK : If I say it's fixed, it's fixed, If you don't believe me,

          Listen to tomorrow's episode and you'll find out . . .By the

         way, Rochester, has my television sr.ript arrived from C .B .S .?

ROCH : NO, NOT YETf!I-

JACK : Hmmmn .      My    director,       Ralph    Levy,   will be here soon to go over

          it with me      . . . .   I V o nder what's holding it up .

                  (SOUND : DOQt 9UZZER)
JACK : Oh,       that    must be it now . . .,Come in .

                  (SOUND :     ma o NS)
                                      R   FE


LENNIiZXello, Mr . Benny .
JACK : Oh, it's you, IBnnis                .   Co m e on in .
LENNIS :)9* ank you .

                  (SOUND : DOWt CIASES)

JACK : How do you feel, kid?
LENMS : Fine, thanks,
JACK : How are your folks?

IENNIS : They're fine, too .

JACK : That's good .

LENNIS : Especially my father . . . . After six months they finally took

          the cest off his foot

     : In a cest for six months? Dennis, what was wrong with your
                             .JACK

          father's       foot?
                                               M
                                               I
LENNIS : Nothing, he stepped iry e bucket of cement .

WA




                                                                   81,   xo   l   0   1 8 .1 8 85
                                                                               -6-
                 t „'-- -, ~
JACK : ~BRt, FOr heere® ., .Look, kid, I can understand your

          father stepping in a bucket of cement . .      . qq   . . j~ I can    almost


          understand him standing there and letting the                cement        dry . .,
          but   JMIJ9   . . .why would he keep it on his foot for six months?

LENMS :   My    mother made him .
JACK : What?

LENMS : When he otayed out late at night, he couldn't tip-toel into
          the house .

JACK : That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of . . .Imegine

          your mother making him keep his foot in a bucket for six

          months .

LENIPffi : Two weeks ago it came in handy .

JACK:     How?

IENMS!)WMi"oy were invited to a masquerade and pepe went as a potted

          palm .

JACR : Look, kid - do me a favor, will you?
IENNiS : Whet?

JACK : As long as you've got your mwth open, sing, don't talk .
IENMS : Okay .

JACK : Thank you .
          (APPIAUSE)

          (IENPIISIS SOA4') "HBY BRCTHER, POUR THg W ;CNE"

          (APPLAUSE)

WA




                                                          RTHO1                  '
                                                                               0 18   4886
(SECOND                                         EoUTINE)                 -'l-


JACK : `~ I7ennis, that was ver? ." gooFl .
DENNIS : Thank you .
JACK : You know, I can - t undexsstand you, kid . . .You come in here
                                            a
                             and talk .~.when you talk you soun3 so ridiculous . . .Then

                             you sing . .and when you sing . . .you're a completely
                             different person . . .What are you - a Doctor Jekyll and

                             Mister   Hyde?                     .

DENNIS : Uh huh, and each one has his own show .
JACK : What?

DENNIS : The doctor is on another network .
JACK : Gh yes .

DENNIS : Well, so long, Mr . Benny
                : Goodbye, kid .                       .JACK
DENNIS : Oh say, Mr . Benny : . .

JACK : What now? DEN IS
                          : Can I have your permission to do a guest spot       tomorrow


                             on a dramatic program?

JACK : Dramatic program? . . . . What's the name of it?
DENNIS : The Mean Old Man .
JACK :                     Hmm .

DENNIS : They've got a wonderful part for me where I fix a bole
                             in the roof .
JACK               ;yk~Do it, do it, goodbye .
                 :1y
                            (SOUND : DOOR SIAM.9 . . .ROC/PSTEPS)


JACK ;                     OH,     RCCtd:STER --


JACK : Are you sure my television script hasn,t arrived?

ROCH : NOT YET
                                      .MG




                                                                      pT}i 0 1 0164 88 7
    JACK : Well, I'm gonna call C,B,S . and see what-a holding it up .
                          (SWND : RECEIVER UP . . .DIAIS . .INNER HJZZ . . .FADE
                                    TO BUZZ OF SWITCHBCARD . . .PU7G IN)

    BFA ;       C .B .S ., The stars address . . .What? . . .A11 right, all right,
                 you don't have to shout, The          line   is busy now . . .hold   on . .


    SHIRLEY : Who is it,         Gertrude?


    BEA : Jack Benny . He wants I should get him the mimeograph q

                  department .

    SHIRLEY : So why were you so~ f~r7,es~h with him?
    BEA : Why was I so freshAft him : The other night he called

                  and asked me if he could pick me up and take me dancing

                  at the Mocambo~ Then he got mad because when he called

                  for me I was wearing my overalls .

    SHIRLEY : Well, I don't blame him for being mad . Why would you
                  wear overalls to the Mocambo?

    BEA : Who gets to the Mooambo, I always wind up fixing his car .
    SHIRIEY : Well, you're better off than I am .
    BE4 :              Why?                              -            ,

    SHIRLEY : I'm not mechanical minded, I have to get out and push .

    BEA : l,#ave you been out with Jack lately?

    SHIRLEY : Yeah, two weeks ago . ., He took me to a night club, we

                  sat at a corner table, the lights were low, and he got
                  so romantic .

    BEA : What did he do?
    SHIRLEY : He had the waiter fill my slipper with champagne .

    BEA : Gosh, three quarts . . . .Did he drink it?

    SHiRLEY :     Yeah,    he stuck   a   strew through the open toe .
L




                                                                FiTH01     0   764 8 8B
                                                                                  -9-

     BEA : Gee, you must have/the happiest feet in town,
     SHIRLEY : Yeah, but you know what Iive been thinking,, .maybe we

                 shouldn't be so fussy about men .
     HEA :     . I guess you're right . After all, wetre not getting

                 any younger .

     SHIRLEY : Speak for yourself, John, I'm only twenty-three .
     EFA : Twenty three ; Then how did you get that medal for

                 sticking to your switchboaxd during the San Francisco

                 Fire?

     SHIRLEY : It wasn-t me . . .I never . . .I mean ., .Oh, why should I lie,, .
                 you were there .

                         (SWND :    JIGGLING     HOOK, .,CISCK)

     LiEA :   Yes? . . . I-m sorry, Mr . Benny, the line is still busy . .,
                 Your television script? .'1-PY1 tell them, .,Gcodbye,
                         (SLUND : RECENER DOrJN)

     JACK : That mimeograph department drives me nuts . That script
                 should have been here~ ~ ~ -

                         (SOUND :   DOGR   B   JZZER)

     JACK :      Oh,   maybe that ' s it . . .COME IN?
                         (SQ7ND : DOOR OPEP6)

     JACK : Oh, hello, Don .
     DON : (DGr7N) Hello, Jack .
     JACK : Don, what's the matter?
     DON : (DOWN) Oh, nothing,,,nothing,




4   MG




                                                                  arx   01   07   04    ee9
                                                                                                     -10-
Y.
     JACK : Now, Don, don't try to kid me,, .there's something

                       bothering you,, .What is it?
     DON : Oh, it's the Sportsmen Quartet ., .they're mad at me .

     JACK : The four of them?

     DON : Yesp,they're outsidee and they won't come in because
                       I'm here .
     JACK : Well, that's ridiculous, (SCUND

                                              : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS)

     JACK : CCME ON IN, FELLOr]S .
                                 (SWND :        FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR   CLOSES)

     JACK : Hello, boys .

     QUART : HM[M41MM .

     DON : Hello, boys ., .(PAUSE)- . . .41sefee, they won't talk to me .
     JACK : Yeah .

     DON : And -tiapubgre- such a wonderful idea for next                                      week's


                        ooo mercial, haven't you, boys?

     JACK :             . . ., Have you?
     QUART : }pMMP44 .

     JACK : Well, this is the silliest thing I've ever heard,, .Don,
                        why are they mad at you?
     DON : (UP) They found out that you pay me more money than
                        you pay them .
     JACK :             Well, that's a fine thing to be mad about .

     DON :              Now wait a minute, Jack, I think they've got a point
                        there .
              . But Don, you should get more money than the .quartet .
                        Y~V en with me twenty years .
     DON : But Jack, sentiment rr~E enter into it . After all,
                        there are four o

     MG




                                                                                 A   r   801    01   e e4   90
JACK : But Don, every year you'Vb-He@`n pick
              tanding announcer .

DON :     I know,
            ; too, and I'believe that they should get thInme
            rd
          salar I et

JACK : Well, Don, if you feel that strongly about it,there
          should be an "stment .,,How much am I paying the

          quartet now?

DON :     A hundred dollars a week .

JACK :   Gh .,,We11, Don, if it will make you feel better,
           starting next week, II11 out you down to the same . .

           okay?

DON : (VERY HAPPY) Thanks, Jack, that solves the whole
           thing, .,now there won't be any more trouble,
JACK :     . . .It's amazing that I didn-t think of that myself . . .

          Well, Don, now that it's all settled, what-s this song

           the boys have?

DON :      Well,    Jack this is the first time they ' ve seen you since

           you got   back   from New York, and they ' ve   rehearsed a


           special greeting for you .
JACK : A-3}rtY greeting for me?
DON : Ye1,/- . Sing it to him, fallows .




 MG




                                                     pT 90 1    0   184841
                                                                                                    -12-
QUART : HELLO,         HELLO                                                           .

        ALL DAY LONG WE JUMP AND RUN ABQ1T
        SURELY YOU HAVE HEARD US SHOUTING CUT



         BELLO, BLUE EYF5 NOW WEILL ALL BE EATING ONCE AGAIN

        EVERY WEEK WE I LL EARN A                         DOLLAR           TEN

         HELLO, BLUE             EYES                         .     .              .
         DID YQJR COON SKIN COAT REEP YOU WARM
         DID YOUR NEW EAR MUFFS HELP IN THAT STORM

         NOW YW'RE HOME, WE'RE FEELING FINE AGAIN
         PLF.ASE DON'T ROAM, BE 39 AGAIN

         HELLO, BIIJE EYES,                   HELLO


         WE ' VE DONE EVERYTHING THAT                              YOU     ASKWE

               PLOWED        UP YQJR LAWN AS                      YOU I   VE SEEN


         WE RAKED AND WE HOED THEN WE PL4NPED IN ROWS



         THE COFFEE YQ7 SENT, EVERY BEAN WE WORKED FRCNI MORN TILL NIGHT

         AND THEN A LUCKY WE WWYD                                 LIGHT


         WHAT A THRILL TO HF.ARTHE NEIGHBORS SHOUT
         WHEN WE'D PULL THAT PACK OF INCKIFS OUT

         OH BOY, LUCKIES
         ROUND AND FIRM AND OR S0 FULLY PACKED

         UlCKIES ALWAYS PLEASE AND THAT'S A FACT



         HELLO, UJCKUES CLEANER, FRESFER, MUCH SMOOPHER, TOO

         AND IJJCKIE9 TASTE MUCH BEPTER IT'S TRUE
          PEOPLE GO FOR ISMFP
          PEOPLE KNCW THAT THEY ARE SURE TO BE HAPPY
         WITH UJCKIE9

   THAT'S WHY WE'RE SAYING
   BE HAPPY GO IUCKY STRIKE TODAY
(APPLAUSE)                 _ .,


                                                                                           ATX01 0164892
                                                                                           -13-

(THIRD ROVPIT~.)'"'"` ~„~,,Q . • • .
     ~,,~µ+n
JACK :' / That was - ; fellows,( . .Say,'Don, now I'd like

          to hear the number they're going to do on~'MI® Sunday

                                                                 ca~c.Ya, - •


DON : Jack, the sportsmen can't waYt no .~They~ `re appearing
          at the Statler Hotel here in Los Angeles and they have

          to get over there                                     rehearse some new numbers .

JACK :    Oh      . . well, I'm going to drop in this week and se

           ou ellows . . .Andbythewa,Iopyu'retmadDonyre

                                                          .                          \

DON :     I'm sure they're not, , and ks again`for making

          that adjuetment .                                                   \,

JACK :    You're welcome, Don . . .a I'm s you won't haye any

          more

I7~QNp~• y~ ( APpY~ Sp long, Jack . '
    ,

U($OUND : DOOR C7IJSES . . .FDOTSTEPS) -
          ~
    .~••7C`
JACK : (RCMS) I donI t want no riccxhet romance, I donI t                                            .

          want no riccochet love . . Da da da da da

                          (SOUND :                        FOOTSTEPS STOP)

JACK :    . . . . .Well, I saved a little money by cutting Donla
          salary . . .but I lost a little, too . After all, I'm
          his agent . . .Oh we11 . . .A! let's see . . .ON, ROCAESTER

R QCIQ~ •                                                                                          V
JACK :                                                                   gw                        I'd

          like you to take the car and pick up my suit at the

          cleaners .




                                                                                 Arx 0 1      0   1e 4093
,
    ROCH : BVT BOSS, WE HAVENI T HAD THE MAXWELL ALL WEEK .
    JACK : We haven't?

    ROCH :      NO,         DON'T YOU REN    EMEE   R . . .YOU TOID ME THAT ANYTIME THE
                MOVIE STUDIOS WANTED             TO    RENT IT, I        SHOULD    LET TH6S1 HAVE
                IT .

    JACK : Oh, so you rented it . . What picture is it going to be in?

    ROCH : BEN HUR .
    JACK : What?

    ROCH : IT COMES IN SECOND IN A CHARIOT RACE
                                                       .JACK
         : Second, eh? . . . . Gosh, I h,o~p.e~~ they don't whip it too hard . . .

                Well, you have to take ~~~w- ^- -
                                 (SOUfID : DOOR BUZZER)
    JACK : Rochester, someone's at the door

         : I'LL GET IT .                                        .ROCH

    JACK : Okay . . .(SOTTO) Gee, that Ben $ur is a great story . . . .

                I remember the first time they made the picture . . . .They
                begged me to be in it . . . . Eh, vho                   wanted    to be,Francis
                % . Bushman's father . . .He had so             few       lines   . . . .   RGGHESTER,
                WRO I STHER?OC

         :    IT ' S YOUR T .V . DIRECTOR, MR . RALPH                    LEVY .


    JACK : Oh, come in, Ral ~ ph . . .comeiin .
    HY : How are you, Jack?
                                                         ~J~~~/, i
    JACK : Fine . . .fine . . .here, have a seat, Ralph . ~ There seems to

                be a delay in mimeo with the T . V . Script, but they

                should be delivering it any minute now .
    HY :     Jack . . .




                                                                           HTX07 0984 0 94
                                                                ~ ~ ,l-n15-

        JACK : And as soon as it gets here, we"can ut in vhat few

                  minor little changeS you might have in no time at all .

        HY : ~~ Jack . . .

        JACK : Because, Ralph, this is one script that I have complete

                  confidence in . .,I worked on it from the start . . .Itts

                  got just the feel, the flavor that I want Qwit --

        HY : Jack, the script iplt being mimeographed
             : What?                                                        .-JACK

        HY : That's right, Jack, . .I read it this morning and I fust

                  couldn't let it go through .
        JACK : What do you mean, you couldn ' t let it go                  through .


        HY : (ANGRY) JWell, Jack, in my opinion, this script is
`   ,



                  nothing,7`~'fo start with,             the situation   is weak . . .
                  and it goes no place . There's no action, no movement . .

                  it's a completely static thing . .And what humor there is,

                  is old hat and corny . .In fact, I can't remember when

                  I've read anything that's so obviously amateurish .

        JACK :    . . . . . ..   Welll   . . . . . . .


        HY : And that's not only my opinion, it's also the opinion of

                  my assistant, Dick Fisher, of my entire technical staff,
                  of the head of B .B .D . and O . . .and of the Chi.ef of C .B .S .

                  network television .                                               .
        JACK : Oh yeah, well I showed it to my butcher at SafeVay

                  this morning .an~dtle was nuts about it

                                                     .HY
          : Your butcher .K"FltsI t does he knov about comedy?
        JACK : Plenty,, .he directed "The Aorn Blows At Midnight" ., .Sd

                  if you're going to drag in experts, I got some on my
                  side, too .




                                                                     01,   }{01 0184895
                                                                           -16-

    ROCH : THAT ' S RIGHI',     BOSS .     TELL HIM   ABOUT   MR . CAROL P . CRAIG .

    JACK : Yeah, he liked the            script   and he happens to be a writer

              who gets ten thousand dollars a           page .


    HY : 'That I s funny, I never heard of him . What did he ever
           ,
             write to get ten thousand dollars a page?


    JACK : He won the "I Can T t Stand Jack            Benny"    Contest . . .Now

              Ralph, I still say this is a funny script and for the
1
              life of   me   I don ' t understand your        objections .


    HY : Well, if you're so positive, maybe I was wrong . Look,

              I've got the script righthere in my briefcase . .let's

              have another glance at it .

    JACK :   Good

                    . (SOUND : BRIEFCASE ZIPPED OPEN . .RIISTIE•;OF PAPERS)

    HY : Let's see now . . .(MOMBLES AS IF READING . .STARTO TO

              CHUCI4,E . .MUMHIES A LITTLE MORE . . .IAlRiHS APPRECIATIVELY)

              . . . .Say, this is pretty funny stuff .                            .

    JACK : I told you, Ralph, this is a funny script
      : (MUhffiLES SOME MORE . .AND IAUGHS                           .HY
                                                       AGAIN) . . . That's   a        •

              wonderful llne .

    JACK : Certainly . . . .Believe me, Ralph, when it comes to judging
              comedy, I'm seldom wrong .

    HY : "I guess maybe c- wait a minute -- this isn't your script .
    JACK : Huh?

    HY : This is the one for the radio show I direct .

    JACK : Radio•+!? Nliat radio show?
    HY : The Mean Old Man .
    JACK : Hmtmmmm® .




                                                                 Arx 01      01       e 48 36
        HY : I must remember to tell that writer to fix the hole
    .
r                  in her roof . . .lately all her scripts are coming in

                   soaked . . .but that's no problem of yours, Jack .
        JACK :   No . . . .no .
        BY : Oe^^5 Levs see now . . .where did I put . . .Oh yes, here's the

                   T . V . script .
        JACK : Good . Now, Ralph, I'm sure A1 --                                     4

                          (SODM7 : PHONE RINGS)

        JACK : Rochester, would you get that, please?

        %6%MMM&)WM1"R        •
                          (SODN[7 : RECEIVER UP) n_

        RoCH :   MR . BENNY1S RSSIDENCE . . .YES . . .YES . . .I SEE . . .AId. RIGHT . . .
                                                              ~
                   GOODBYE

                             . (SODCUJ : RECEIVER DOWN)
        JACK : Who was that, Rochester?

        ROCH : YOUR BUTCHER .                                 -

        JACK :   Oh,     the      one    that       likes         my   script?        _

        ROCH : HE'S THOUGHT IT OVER AN[) CHANGED HIS MII•ID .

        JACK : •3N mmh .I don't know why I even go to him . . .There must

                   be dozens of butchers around town          who've   directed me

                   in pictures . . .Now Ralph, you ' ve been reading the script

                   . . .what's    bothering you?
        HY : Well, in these first five pages, Jack, the only thing
                   that's even remotely funny is the bit with the orchestra

           ~, and we can't do that . ~

        JACK : Why not?




                                                                  ATY{ 0 1   0   16 4 897
w                          -18-

-.      HY : /'qJack, you know very well we're not allowed to put the
                        camera on your orchestra . There are forty million people

                        watching .

             JACK : But Ralph, it's all right to show the boys on television .
                        I got a clearance from the Musicians Union .

          HY : I don1t care, you're on at night and some of those                         .

   . forty million people will be eating .
             JACK : A11 right, so weIll take out that bit . One routine

                        doesn't make a script bad .

                              (SOUND :            .,S)
                                         PHONE RIN"

             JACK : 13mn .

`-     ROCH :         I t LL GET IT .                                          .

                              (SOUND :   RECENF.R UP)           .

                        .NNYt3 RESIDENCE . . .OH YES, MR . IEROY . . .WHAT'S THAT?
          ROCH : NJi . BF

. ..   ALL    RIGHP,       I'LL      TELL     HIM . GOODBYE .

                              (SOIIND : PHONE DOWN)                        .

             JACK : Rochester, was that Mervyn Leroy3

          ROCH : YEAH . . .BE CALIED TO SAY Hg DOESN'T ISKE YOUR TEIF .YISION
                        SCRIPT .

             JACK : Doesn't like it? But I never even sent him a copy .

             ROCH : WELL, HE SAII) BE GOT IT BY ACCIDENf .
             JACK :     Accident?                                     a-~

             ROCH :   YEAH . . .THIS MORNING HE WAS AT/ 3'~AFE'WAY, 0 BOIIGHT A POUND

                        OF HALIBUT AND YOUR SCRIPT WAS WRAPPED AROUND IT .

             JACK : Ha®n . . .that nice, fresh script around a smelly halibut .

             ROCH :   MR . LEROY PUT IT THE OPPOSITE WAY .
~.     JACK : I don't care how he put it . .I still think itts a good
                        script .




                                                                    Rrx   01       afe   4999
                                                          -19-
                     .~
        ~„y„r~ ..w,^
          bon,t misunderstand me, Jack . . .There are some good

          things inie-itaty But unfortunately, the whole idea is
          wrong . 'W whole script is based on your being cheap .

JACK : But Ralph, with the character I portray, people expect

          me to do cheap things .                                  I
BY : I know, t.'ik, and that's fine for radio . . .but in
          television the audience sees you standing there .,-You u '

          have to be a little true to life or nobody will believe
          it .

JACK : We11 . . . .

HY : 71"'^',Look . . .here you have a show starting with two strangers

          knocking on the door of your big Beverly Hills mansion to
          ask directions . .and you invite them in for lunch and
          then charge them for M . . which is practically making a

          restaurant out of your home, .Then you show them around

          the grounds and when the man accidentally falls-in the

          pool, you charge him a quarter for swimming . .And to top

          it off, when he starts to sneeze . .you insist on giving

          him Penicillen at five dollars a shotl . . .Now really, Jack,

          nobody could be that chea    ..

JACK : Ralph, you're absolutely right . How could we expect

          anyone to actually look at me and believe that I could
          do things like that .

RY :That's my point, Jack . . .and until we can fix this script

          so you aren't cheap, and more like you really are . .we

          haven't got anything .




                                                   fl 1" XU1   0   184899
                                                                               -20-


JACK : Okay, Ra1ph . . .I111 call my writers im<nediately . . .we'll
             throw out everything ,gnd get a whole new idea .

HY :     Good . . .now for a plo~tilI was thinking maybe we could 4(a
                     (SOUTID : BF.EP BKEP OF BUS HORN)

RGCH : BGSSi BGSSi THE GRr .'xtavrro                  BUS   IS HERE .
JACK : Oh my goodness,              they're    five minutes early . Rochester,

            dust off the sandwich display and turn up the flame

            under the soup .

ROCH :      OKAY .
HY :'~'/i2~,' 4--9s I was saying,   Jack,     if we    could    --

JACK :      OH, ROCHM9, DON'T FOi~'ilsT TO PUSH THE RICE PCDDING .

ROCH :       I'LL PUSH IT, I'LL PUSH IT .

JACK :      Now Ralph, you were saying . . .
HY :        Yes, Jaok~ .I feel that if we               could    --

                     (SOUND> : DOOR OPFNS . .BABBIE OF CROWD)

JACK :      HERE THEY COME, ROCHESTER . .Don't crowd, folks, therels
             plenty for everyone .

                     (SCi1DID : CASH RD}ISTER)

ROCH : STEP RIGHf UP, FOLKS . . .SCIIP, SANIDWICHES AfID FEATURING
            UNCLE JACKIS RICE PUDDING .

                     (SOUND :   CASH RH3ISTER)

RUBIN : Hey, Agnes, why don't you come over here and eat with me?
BEA : I can't . . .the chain on my spoon won't reach that far . . .

             And what kind of a clip joint is this, you gotta pay
             extra to get mustard on your hot dog .




                                                                     A   rx i 0 e
                                                                           0      1   49   0   0
                                                                            -21-


RUBIN :       Thatta nothing . .the last time I wae/here, I accidentally
              fell in the pool and they charged me for awinnning .

JACK :        Don't crowd, folks .

                     (SCUPID : CASH REGISTER)

JACK :        Thank you . . .here's your change .

HY :      y Jack, Jack, I don't('
       71#_


JACK :        Excuse me, Ralph, 9outre standing in front of the                                 4

              pennants . . . HERE YOU      ARE, FGIFB, SCZNENIRS          OF   BEVERLY

              HILLS, PENNANTS,         PICTURE POST      CARDS .

                      (SOUND :     CASH REGISTER)

BY : Jack, if you listen to me for a minute, I could-                                   "

                      (SCUND : BIG SPLASH)

JACK :        ROCHESTER,      TIIERE   GOES ONE    IN THE PCCL . .YCU FISH HIM           OUT


              Je I+LL GET THE PENICILLEN .

HY :          HERE    YOU   ARE, FCLRS, GET       YOUR   IKlT   DOGS   AND CCID DRINKS . .

              GET    YOUR   HOT DOGS     AND WID DRINKS .

JACK : RALPH, WHY ARE YOU HELPING ME?

HY : I FIGURE IF                 YOU   CAN ' T FIGHP IT, JOIN IT . . . FffG~U':    YOU


                                               ;~11
              ARE, FCLRS, GET YCUR-F~CCID DRINK3r(~7,~~
                                               .   oLuvc~ .
                                                         .
JACK : YES SIR . .AfID DON'T FCRGET UNCLE JACK'S RI~CEPUDDING ~
 (PL4YCFF UP FULL AND APPLAUSE„)-~




                                                                   Rr}S01 01       8   44 0 1
                                                             - - 22



     NATIONAL



     SACK :, I will be back in a minute to tell you about my

                television show which goes on immediatelq after this

                program on the CBS network with my guest stars, Bing

                Crosby, and George Burns, but first, a word to
.1              cigarette smokers . . . .



     PACIFIC CCAST

     JACK : I irill be baok in just a minute to tell you about my
                television show that goes on tonightat seven p .m .

                over the NBS network with my guest stars, Bing Crosby,
                and George Burns, but first, a word to oigarette smokers .




                                                    prxoi     01      e 490 2
THE JACK BENNY                        PROGRAM           -     -C-
MARCH 21, 1954
TRANSCRIBED : MARCH 18, 1954

OLCUING C0MMERCIAL

WILSON : Jack will be bsck in just a minute, but first a word to
           cigarette smokers .

COLISNS : Luckies taste better :

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother!

COLLJDLS : Luckies taste better :

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother :

           For Lucky   Strike means   fine tobacco :

           Richer-tasting fine tobacco

COLLITH : Luckies taste better :

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, SmootheN

           Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike!

WILSON : Frierds, as a smoker, you know how vitally important
           freshness is to your enjoyment of a cigarette . Well, the

           makers of Iuckies know that too . That-s why every pack
            of Luckies is extra tightly sealed -- to keep in the
           better taste that has made Luokles £amous, Yes, any
            Iucky smoker will tell you that Lackies taste better -
            not only fresher, but cleaner and smoothetf too . That-s
            because fine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco goes
            into every Lucky . As you .know, Lucky Strike means fine
            tobacco . And Luckies are definitely made better -- made
            round and firm and fully paoked to draw freely and smoke
            evenly .
                                                         (MORE)




MG




                                                       arx   01   0 e
                                                                   1    49   0   3
THE        JACK          BENNY          PROGRAM                 -D-
MARCH 21, 1954
TRANSCRIBED : MARCH 18, 195+                 .
CLCQSING CMERCIAL (CONT'D)

WILSON :   Yes, fine tobacco in a better made    cigarette   just naturally
(CONr'D)
           adds up to better taste for you . So, next time you buy

           cigarettes, try a carton of Lucky Strike :

SPORTSMEN Be Happy -- Go Lucky
 UARTET :
 LONG Get Better Taste Todayl
 CL03E)                        q




MG




                                                     AT 80 1 0184904
     (                  TAG)                            -23-

(.    DON : Say, Jack;'4 is it true that on your television show

                       tonight you're having both Bing Crosby and George Burns
                       as guest stars?

      JACK : Yes . .andI hope George is in a better mood than he has

                       been the last few days . He's had a little trouble with

                       the Income Tax Department .
      DON :      Why?

      JACK : They wouldn't let him take Gracie off as a dependent . . . .

                       Goodnight, folks .

          (APPIAUSE)
      DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Milt
                       Josefsberg, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon,

                       and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .


                       The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike,

                       product of the American Tobacco Company . . . . America's

                       leading manufacturer of cigarettes .




     DH




                                                                ATXOI     0184905
906t'86U bOX1N




                            (h56i 'iZ F1TbavW 'Q'3HRIouivliL) -
   SSd Wa o :h-oo :h Sao K6i '8d IiDEiVW ieoTlns


                                M  soaa axuaa xovr   aH   s
                                    MEass axorn


                              useawno ooovaos uaol   MMM




  SdI6
         ?#   W~tlg`J~2LI
THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
~~J2CgK 9NNY PROGRAM" #29                                           -A-

 OPENIAG COMM~t4CIAL

WILSON :        THE    JACK BENNY PROGRAM.   . . . .   Transcribed and presente d

                by Lucky Strlke!

 COLLINS : Luckies taste better!

 CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother!

COLLINS : Luckies teste better!

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothe r

                For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco

                Richer-tastingfine tobacco

 COLLINS : Luckies taste better !

 CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother!
                Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike !
WILSON : his is Don Wilson, friends, You know, after all is said

             and done, the reason anybody smokes is for enjoyment --

             the enjoyment that comes from the taste of a cigarette .

             Yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the

             fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner,

             fresher, smoother. First, because they're made of fine

             tobacco . Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Second,

             Luckies are made better - made round, firm, fully-packed -

              to draw freely and smoke evenly . Fine tobacco in a

             better-made cigarette gives you better taste, every

              single time . Next time ask for Lucky Strike, because

              smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact

              of the matter is Lackies taste better .You'l1 know

              that's true the minute you light up a Lucky ,

COLLINGS : Ixtckies taste better :

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother
              Llcky Strike! Lucky Strike !
LW




                                                              a   1,801   0   184   9   0P
                                                                            -I-

(FIRST RWTINE )
(AFTER CObID1ERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DONN)

DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY, WITH MARY

         LIVINGSTONE, RCCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YWR9
         TRULY" DON WILSON .

(APPLAUSE . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : AND NOW, LADIES AND GENPhESEN, SPRING HAS CIX+fE TO S(AITHERN

        - CALiFORNIA,, .BIRLfi ARE TWITTERING IN THE TREE T0M AND BUIS

          ARE BZJRSTING ON THE BRANCHES ., .50 WITHGJT bURTHER ADO, WE"eC-

         MW LIKE TO SHOW YW HOW A TYPICAL GENTItSSAN FARMER IS

          HERALDING THE ARRIVAL OF SPRING . . .THE TIME : . . . EARLY AFTER-NOON

          , . .THE SCENE : JACK BENNY'S BACK YARD . . .THE FARMER : JACK

          BENNY.

(BAND PLAYS "MENDEISSOHN'S SPRING SONG")

                (SGVND : BIRD WHISTLFS)

JACK : (HUMS A LITTLE OF "SPRING SONG") Gee, this,section I planted

          last year came up nice . . .Look at those nice straight rows . . .

          two hundred stalks of corn . . .a hundred and fifty cabbages . . .

          three hundred strawberry vines ., .Hmmm . . .one measley coffee

          plant . .,But who knew . . .Let's see now . .I better get these

          string beans in,, .

                   (50UND : TRGv7EL IN DIRT)
JACK : I'll set them right next to the tomatoes here . . .Well, there's
          one . . .Gee, IWW got a hundred more to go . . .OH ROCHESTER, I

          WANP YIXJ TO COME HERE AND GIVE ME A HAND .
RCCH : (A LITTLE OFF) BJT BOSS --

JACK : ROCHH5TER, YW'VE BEEN IN THAT           SWIMMING   POOL LONG ENWGH,

          NOW COME ON .

MG




                                                          Rrx 0 1   0184908
                                                                        -2-

ROCH : BUT, BCGS, I'M NOP THRWGH PIANTING THE RICE .

JACK : NEVER MIPID THAT . . .I T~ID YW AERE .
R W H : OKAY .        ~

JACK : (SOM'0) ~c,go worried about the rice . .AM sorry I gave
         him those chopsticks for Christmas .

R W H : HERE I AM,    aW    .

JACK : a Well, you can start with this row here .
ROCH : YES, SIR .
JACK : Now first you put the plant in . . .then sprinkle it over with
         a layer of Vigoro . . .cover that with some dirt . . .then a
         three-inch layer of bone meal . . .then some more dirt . . .ai
                        n, ..Z/,aJ
         then you put on~ big thick layer of Vigoro ., .and be very
         careful, P.ochester, because you know what we're planting
         here, don't you?

ROCH : NO, BUT IT AIN'T GONNA BE ISIAC $1SHES .
JACK : They're string beans and let's get started .

RWH : BCSS, ARE YW PLANTING BEANS AGAIN?
JACK : Yes,    why?


ROCH : I THQJGHT YCU'D GIVE UP ON BEANS AFTER WHAT HAPPENED LAST

          YEAR . .THEY WERE SO SMALL THE BUGS WERE PICKETING THEM .

JACK : Stop trying to be funny, Rochester . . .I'm going to plant

          beans and this year they'll be the biggest ones in Beverly

          Hi11s . . .Now 1et's get going .

               (SWND : MORE TROVIEL DIGGING UP THE DIRT)

JACK : There . : .that one's in deep enough .

ROCH : HCE BEE HEE . . .YW SURE LOOK bVNNY IN TAC6E GVERALIS AND THAT
          OLD STRAW HAT .


MG




                                                      prx 7 0    0   964909
     JACK : I do look like a farmer in this outfit, don't I?
r-   ROCH : WITH THOSE LONG WHITE GLOVES ON, YQJ LOOK LIKE HILDEGARDE .
     JACK : Well, I've got soft lovely hands and I'm gonna keep 'em that
              way .

                      (SOUND : START LAWN MOVER IN TIE DISTANCE . .GETS A

                                 IITTLE LWDER)

     JACK : Hmm . . .I think     I've   got some of these plants upside down .

                      (SOUND :   MOTOR A ISTTLE S0~~6

     JACK : No, I guess they're all right ./ .DENNI~, DON'T MOW SO CLCSE

              TO THE TCr1AT0ES!

                      (SOUND : LAWN MOWER STOPS)
     JACK : Watch it :

     DENNIS : I'm almost through, Mr . Benny .

     JACK : Well, keep at it . . .Ani Dennis, when you're through mowing
              the lawn, I want you to water it,

     DENNIS : Okay, I'll turn on the sprinkling system .

     JACK : I haven't got a sprinkling system,

     DENNIS : You have now .

     JACK : What?
     DENNIS : I thought the hose was a snake and shot it full of holes .

     JACK : Dennis, that was a brand new hose and Itm going to deduct

               the price of it from your salary .

     DENNIS : I was afraid that vould happen .
     JACK : You were?
     DENNIS : Yeah, boy am I glad I saved the last bullet for myself .

     JACK : Huh?

     DENNIS : Well, here goes .
     MG




                                                              HTYlOi 01R441O
                                                                                                 -4-

    JACK :     Dennis, 1-t down that tg_in :                                      .          .

                                                                     r.
    Te^v .         ,            . ..         -d-11 .pay . .£or-the-hose .

    DENNIS :   I   knew you were      yellow .


    JACK :     Never mind . . .you just Set back to work,                 I'll    hold   onto        the

               gun .

    DENNtS : 9kay .
    R CC H : BGSS, I FINISH® THE           BOW   OF       STRING   BEANS .


    JACK : Good . . .now we ' ll plant some celery .
    DENNIS : You ought to plant Pistachios, . .they're terrific .

    JACK : But Dennis, Pistachios are nuts :

    DENNIS : Well, who isn't .                        ,
    JACK: ijs . . .Denttis, look at that mountain over there, . .That's it . . .

               now hold your head still .

    RGCH: BGSS, BC6S ,          PUT    DGrlN THAT    GUN .


    JACK: I only wanted to scare him .                     I couldn ' t hit a pointed head
               like his in a     million     years    .     Now go ahead, Dennis, finish
               your    work .
    DENNIS : Okay . _,      ~
                    (SOUND : WN MGVMR .~F/ADF 3~NJVDISTANCF,)
                                                     . :G1u .'l..^"-
    JACK : ~~ Now let-dr see . . .Hey, Rochester, look at these mushroome

               here . .,I don't remember planting any mushrooms .

    RCCH : THOS E AFE TGADSTGGIS, BOSS, THEY ' RE                   POISON .


    JACK : No, no, Rochester, go ahead and taste one, .,I think they're

               mushrooms .
    RGCH ; YOU THINK?

    JACK: Yes .
L


    MG




                                                                             R 1' Y[01   0   1   9   4411
                                                                                        -5-

                                                                .
     RCOH : WELL, UNTIL YW'RE POSITIVE, MY ATTITUDE IS NEGATIVE
     JACK : Oh, what a baby : . .afraid to eat a little plant .
     RCCH : UH HUH .

     JACK : You know, Rochester, there's an old eayiU . . .A coward dies a
               thousand deaths . . .a hero dies but once . . .Did you ever hear
              that saying    before?


     ROCH : YE9 ; AND I
                L          WANT   TO BE ABLE   TO   BEAR   IT AGAIN .

     JACK :   All   right, don't eat iLt . . .Who cares :
                               :
     MARY : Oh hello, Rochesterr Che garden looks lovely .

     RCCH : THANIL9, MISS LIVINGSTONE .
     MARY : I see you got the scarecrow up already .

     JACK : THIS IS ME AND Y(A1 KNOW IT . . .~you buy that package of
               cucumber ~ste~e ..s,like I asked you to?
                             .'{d

     MARY : Ye®4here jwY are . . .They .were ten cents .
     JACK : Thanks . . .Gee, juet think, Mary . . .I'm going to take these
               little seeds, plant 'em in the ground, and before you know

               it, vines will spring up, with oodles and oodles of cucumbers

               on 'em . . .Isn't Nature wonderful?
     MARY : Yeah .
     JACK : And Mary, hal£ of those cucumbers are going to be yours :

     MARY : The heck with nature, give me my dime ;
     JACK : Give me my dime, give me my dime . . .You'11 be sorry when the
               crop comes in .• I feel it's going to be a big season .

     MARY : Oh, you're some farmer . . .You and your crazy experiments :
     JACK : They're not so crazy .
     MARY : Remember last year? . . .You sprinkled cheese all over the
               ground and tried to raise Au Gratin potatoes .
L-


 h



                                                                   8    1"X01   0   1   13   4912
JACK :


MARY :

JACK :                    u`laughing at?

MARY :    Every other gardener around here had trouble with

                    but

JACK :    All   right . .but I   still   say it doesn't hu ment .

                  SIX7ND : LAWN MOWE1i APPBOACHING . .QEETS GRALUALLY LWDER)

JACK : And California is just the place to do it .
                  (SOUND :    LAWN MOWER   HAS STOPPED BY NOW .)

JACK : You know, Mary --

DENNIS : I only           e a little more to go, Mr . Benny

JACK : Okay J You kn             Mary, I wouldn't laug if I were you . I

          might    turn out to       another Luther urbank .

DENNIS :                     Who?                                        I

JACK : Burbank . .LUther Burbank .

DENNIS : Oh yeah, they named Gle 1e after him .
JACK : THEY NAMED BURBANK A ffiM . . . OT .GIENDALE .

DENNIS : Oh . . .I guess I di 't analyze it .
JACK : YouU certainly d n't .

DENNIS : Well . . .see y later . . .Ding-ding ;
~~       (SWND : LAWN MChIER STARTS UP . .RECID IN THE DISTANCE)
JACK• F He alwavs plava cor :d„n+or Whno he mowe the lawn . . . What a~f1a'

           . . .Now let's see . . .Oh Mar~y,~~I was ,{ust having a little
          argument with Rochester~l Look, are those things there

          mushrooms or toadstools?

MARY : Those are toedstools .
 JACK : They are? . . .We11, I'm certainly gled you told me . .I almost
           ate one .
 MG




                                                            arsc   01   0184913
                                                                             -7-


ROCH : YoU AIM03T ATE ONE?
JACK : We11 . . .I mean I would have eaten one after you di9 .

ROCH : WITH ME LAYIN' THERE?
JACK : All rigpt, forget it . . .

                      (SOUND :   LAWN     MOWER APPROACHES AND STOPS)
JACK : I better dig these up and throw'em away .                        .
DENNIS : I'is all through,         Mr .   Benny .
JACK : Good .

    :
DINNI3 3'kIa12'I"take"Mr :-"CVlman's 'iawn'nteTfeF'tS~C'Q"to'Hihi?"
JACK : . . . Never mind, I think he bought another one . . . put it

             back garage next to hiswheelbar                    .,071 n9 Dennis,

             before you le , I'3 like to he your song for Sunday's

             show so why don't y o in e house and run through it .
DIIJNIS : Okay
JACK : Now mary, hand me at trowel and-q'11 get some of these

             cucumber see5 n .
(DEENNIS'S    SONG)    "y G AT HEART")
(APPIAUSE )




                                                                RTYf 0 1 0184914
(SF:COND ROUTINE)
rACK : Say ., .that song was a11 rightiy~eefit it, Mary?

             H ~ ' ~ '
MRY : Yeah, St ~F 'iou13 b VtA w Sun3sy,

              der g
7ACK : That wasy o03 Dennis .
                y
)ElVNIS : hs ks . d Mr, Benny, as aoon as your lawn nee3s cutting

            again, you'll be sure to let me knowfwon 't you?

JACK : I ce,~tainly will, and I appreciate your interest .
7ENNI5 : Well, I like to keep the groundslooking nice and in tip

            top    shape .     C ~

TACK :      (PLEA .S`FD)                     ~4          ~^y'             ~~
:ENNIS :    This    is a     beautiful    place   and   some   day   I .e~t-Yt .
7ACK :        Really,                               Dennis?                                   ~~., .
7r3VNIS : Yeah -- I'll throw you out so fast                   it'll   make your
        :   Dennis, go home         already .                                      headTACK


JENNIB : Okay,       goodbye          .
                                .   1&    ~
JACK : Goodbye, goo3hye .7 . .Mery : . .
fARY :      VOW

rACK : Do you think Kenny Baker is too                   old   to push a lawnmower?
WRY : Oh, Jack, every time                Dennis   gets you a little       aggravated,


            you

OB : (A IITTIEOFF) HELIA, JACK .
isat : ney, taary, it - s Bob Crosby . . . .,o,.~otmPaur Bob?

30B :       Fine,    Jack . . .Hello, Mary .
NARY : Hello, Bob . . .out for             a little     walk today?
BOB : Well, not exactly . . .I told the boys Sn the band to pick me

            up here in our orchestra bus .




                                                                         ATX 0 1              0184915
JACK :Oh,areyoulvingtwa?BO
                    : Yeah, we've got a one night stand in

                              Chicago .                               J-

JACK : A one night stand?67 Wat~e going-all the way to Chicago for

                              that?


BJB : Well, the boya                               just    couldn't turn this down, Jack .
JACK : Gee, it                            must   be quite an important         occasion .


BOB : I'll sa§- . .Petrillo's dog is going to be e year old .
JACK : Oh yes . . . . Jascha Heifitz left thls morning . . .Oh Bob, I don't

                              mean to be rude, but I want to get all these rows planted by

                              six o'clock .

&JB :~,Whysixo'clk?MARY
                          : As soon as it's dark his help has to run for the border .

JACK : Mary, stop making things up . . .I do all the work                                     myself .


MEL : Si, Senor .                                                                       '

JACK : You keep Quiet and ®o put on a dry shirt . . .say, Bob, as long

                              as --

                                      (SOUND :      BEEP   BEI':P OF BUS HORN)
BCB : ~l ~ i`nst must be the boys, Jack . I .better get going .

JACK ;                        I'll walk    around    to the front with you, Bob .
MARY : I've got to be running                                along,   too . . . .
$78 :"-- 9key .                                                                     .
                                      (SOUND : FYIOTSBTPS)
MARY : Say Bob, it must be nice for the orchestra to have                                        their   own
                              bus to travel      around in,


                                      (SOU[VD : FOOTSTEPS STOP)




                                                                                            ATH01 01     84    915
                    <'!y

 JACK     '   That's        a nice bus( . .but Bob, why is all that smoke coming

               out    of the exhaust?
 BOB : Well, kerosene                   always     smokes that way .

 JACK : Kerosene? Why                   don't    you use gasoline?
                                           .oa e
 BOB :    v We       tried     thet, but when the boys smell anything over eighty
           A
                                           I

               octane, they run for the olives .
 JACK : You uean               they'd   actually        drink   gasoline?                   .
 BOB : y-,Begby even             drinks    the kerosene .
 JACK : No :

               At    night     the boys stick       a   wick in his    head and      use him to
               read    by .

~JACK : Hcmm . .Well, Bob ; --T- `,Wnew .,0ee, those flumes coming _-frnmthe

               bus are        awful .


 BOB : Shall I tell the boysso-taYn~o,tf the motor?

 JACK ;   No,
          ~
 BOB :    Well, I've got to be going, anyway .
                           ~aa-wy
 JACK : Okay, Bob . . .I'll sWw yod .
 BOB : So long .

 JACK : Have a nice trip .

 MARY :       Ase-,E  ye, Bob .
 BOB :         "0   .aaye, Mary .

                           (80UND : BUS LUOR        CLOSE   AND MOTOR       PULLS   AWAY)
 JACK : What ,a,,~,,c,~razy gang .~

             :~
 MARY : Yeah~ .Look at that license plate . . .BREW 102 .
 JACK : Yeah

                 .MARY
         : Well, Jack, I better be getting home .

   IS,




                                                                              H1"HU1 C11B4917
                                                      I




JACK : All right, I'11 have Rochester get the car out .
M4RY :J114No, Jack, 1t's such a nice 3ay . . .I'3 rather wa1k ., .I'11 see

          you tomorrow .
JACK :           .
          Ok ~y .~..Goo3bye,     Mary .


  -- /~ A (SOUND : A FSW WOhWJ'S FOOTSTEPS FADING OBF)

JACK : Well, I suppose I better get back to work . .Eh, I've            had


          enough     for one   day .



                     (SOUND : OLD TRUCK APPROACHES)
JACK : I think       I'll   go in the house   and   clean up .
                     (SOUND : TRUCK COMES AIqNGSIDE AND BELL RINGS SLOWLY)

MEL : FRESE VEGE7ABLES . .TOMATOES . .LEM'UCE . .STRING BEtWS . .REY,

         MISTER . WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME NICE FRESH VM ---oh,

         it's you .

JACK :   What?




MEL : You ain't foolin' nobody wlth these petunias and tulips out

         here in front . I know what's goin' on in that back yard .

JACK : All right, soI raise a few things to eat .

MEL : Look, Mister, I haven'tma3e a sale all 3ay . .why don't you

         give me a break and buy something?
JACK : Well . .all right . .I'11 take a       dozen oranges .

MEL :    A   dozen   oranges .
JACK : Two pu~w3a. .o€ pears .

9iEL : Two-Pe de-e£ pears .
                     ~
JACK :    And a half/dozen apples .
                     a
MEL : And a ha1f0-I KNHW IT, I KNEW IT, EVEKiTHING WITH SEEDS .

DG




                                                                 RTYi01 01 B49 18
                                                                                                         -12-


      JACK :But-~

      .ILL : IT AIN'T EIVOUGHT YOU'RE GROWIN' VEGETABIES, NOW YOU GOTTA

                                       START WITH THE FRUITS .
     JACK : But I only --
     'SL : IF YOU WANT ME CUTTABUSINESS, GET AN INJUNCTION . .G00DBYE .

                                                 (SOUND : TRUCK PULLING AWAY FAST . .bUOTSTF.PS)

      TACK :                          Hmm . .some business man . .yF ho's so      worried    about competition,
                                       why   doesn't    he buy me out . . . .The Wong Foo   laundry did . . .Oh


. well, I guess I'll go in and clean up .

                                                 (SOUND : DOOR OPFIPS)
      TACK :                        I'll       just slip into    this   clean shirt here .a & --
     JON : Q Hello, Tack .
            Y


     7A CK : Don ,. Where 313 you come from?

     ~)ON : Oh, I came in the back way . I thou e~h t                                 you'd    be working in
                                      the    garden .


     TACK :                           Well, I was, Don, but I've         had   enough for one    day .


     70N : Gee, and I talke3 the Sportsmen into coming over to help you .

     TACK :TheSportsmn?WeathyX)N

                       : They're out there working now . .I'71 call 'em in .

     TACK :                           Okay .

                                                 (SOUND : COUPIF;   FOOTSTEPS)

     JACK :/. .,Ytait a minute, Don . .They don't seem to mind working in my

                                   ,° yar3 . .They're even singing .

     '.)ON : They are?

     JACK : Yeah, I'll open the window a .d we can listen . .
                                        i
                     (SOUND : WINLOW RAISED)

     MUSIC :"FROM THE VINE CAME THE GRAPE"
\,
     (APPLAUSE)


         DG




                                                                                             AT}S01      01   84979
                                                                                          -12A-


QUART : FROM THE VINE CAME THE GRAPE


        FROM THE GRAPE CAME THE WINE FROM THE WINE CAME A DREAM TO A LOVER .

        HE WAS BACK W1TH MARIE

        ON THE ISIE OF CAPRI

        WPPH A MILLION STARS SHINING ABOVE EIIi
        ONCE AGAIN HE ROMANCED

        AS THEY KISSED AND THEY DANCSD
        AND IIE EVEN HEARD WEDDING BELLS CHINIG

        FROM THE VINE CAME TflE GRAPE

        FROM THE GRAPE CAME THE WINE                                             .

        AND FOR TONY A WONDERFUL TIME .

        FROM THE SEED CAME THB PIANP .

        FROM THE PLANT CAME THE IEAF

        FROM THE IEAP CAME THAT FINE LIGHT                                    TOBACCO .


        THAT'S WHAT MAKES-LUCKY STRIKE
             C...d                                        .
                                                  ..G.7L-t',i

        ;iAIE THAT "¢ TASTE YOU LIKE TWENPY PERFECT SMOKES IN EVERY PACKO .

        LIGHT                                 A LUCKY START PUFFII$,

        AND YOU'LL SAYTI1&RE IS                                     NOTHING


        WITH BSTTER T6~

        IT'S LUCKIES YlY*L LIIfl; .

        FROM THE PLANT CAME THE IEAF FROM '
                                              :. :1E IFI+F CAME TOBACK

        FR~O/M~r~ .-i'OBACCO FINE AND LIGHT COM&S LUCKY STRIKE

         6Bl~S 'LUCKIES THE SMOKE YOU WILL LIKE .

 (APPIAUSE)




                                                                                          RTH01 0184920
.                             (Tt¢Im                ROiPtINE)                             JACK       13-
                                                 ~'",~~,ti, . .-
                              4    Gee, those boyslare clever .X,and they're such good workers)                  .
                                            (SOUND : PHONE RIN;S                                           .~)
    ROCH : PLL GET IT, BOSS .
    JACK : Okay,

                                           (SOUIm : RECEIVIIi UP)
   ROCH : MR . BENNY'S RESIDENCE . .STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, RADIO,

                                   TELEVISION, APII) IF T}E FARMERIS MARKET HASN'T GOT IT, WE
                                   HAVE . . . ;.WBATIS THAT? YES, Hg'S RIORt HEFE . . .IT'SPORYU,M

                                      . WIL90N . . .IT'S YOUR WIFE .
  DON :                          Oh . .thank you, Rochester .,,Nello, dear . . .Weil, h~ow¢ many

                                   guests are we having for dinner tonight?,, .Oh~Then I suggest

                                   we have hors dloeuvres . .sou,pj.r .nice Caesar salad . .and for

                                  .b6emeats Ifd say a couple~ ;6hickens . .ai e :ght pound roast . .

                                   and a chafing dish full of ineatballs . . .Ycwyl think that

                                   ought to do it . . .You're welcome, dear . .Goodbye .

                                           (SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN)                         .

  JACK,6c,, . .,WhoIs your wife having for dinner tonight?

DON :Justme,hrcanledoutJACK

                              : 'Oh, I should have knawn .,L9s-., . .                 .

DON : By the way, Jack, perhaps you'd like to come over for dinner .
                                                                  n. .-
     :6~SOme other time, Don .j I want to lie down for a whiles .T+m -  .JACK

                                   kind of tired from all the gardening Itve done .
DON : Dt,Jack, don't tell me you planted vegetables again this year?

 JACK : Certainly . .whysouldn'tI?DON

                       : I thought you'd give up after those awful beans you grew last
                                  year .
JACK :                                Look,                         Don                   --         ,    ,

JF




                                                                                               RT}S07 0184921
                                                                                     -14-

DON : Those beans were so lousy even your garbage disposal threw

          thembackJACK

     : Oh, stop .

DON : 3bi3, 50 long, Jack .
JACK : Goodbye, goodbye .

                               (SOUND :   DOOR       CLOSES)          ~~    ~.,,v,A-..Q~ ,f`«~^ ~wec, .y

JACK : Gee, I really am tired . . (YAWNS) i sleepy, too ~ . . . ..I-~ lie r'

          down on the sofa here .

                               (SOIIPID : SOFA SPRINGS)

JACK : Ahhh, that feels good . . .(YAWNS) . . .What+s everybody picking on

          my beans for . . .So last year they weren't so big . . .(YAWNS)
          This year they'll be great . . .That new chemical fertilizer is

          guaranteed,to make anything grow . . .Say, I wonder if --- Nah,

                         it'll probably burn my head . . . .(YAWNS) . . .I canyt wait till
     _ those beans come up . . .I'll show everybody :~LES . . .THEN

          SNORES ONCE)

(VIBRAPHONE OR DREAM EFF'ECf)
JACK : (MUNIDLES) I'll ahov :-. .LL1Sig beans . . .(SNORES) . . .real big
          beans . . .(SNORES) (THEN SNORES AGAIN AND AGAIN)

(MUSIC RISES . .AND IS OUT WITH CRESCECIIlO)

                               (SOUND : ROOSTER CROWS)
(BAND PIAYS STRAIN OF "OH, WHAT A BEAVfIFUL MORNING" . . .VIBRAPHONE

CONTINUES)




JF




                                                                     RTH01       0   184922
                                                                                       -15-

JACK : That's funny . .,just a second ago I was inside . What am I

         doing out here in the garden? ,, . Say, look what happened to

         my beans . . .The beanstalk goes way up to the sky . . .through

          the clouds,, .I can't even see the top of it . . .Well, I'm going

         to climb to the top . . .I'm going to be like Jack and the

        , Seanstalk . .,

                                      .          ,          o.
                   (BOS1N0 : SCUFFLING OF MAN CLIEffiING) ~

(A LITTLE CLIMBING MUSIC) ~ . .f
JACK : (PANTING) Whewp%~.vI"b~'e~tter rest . .,I must have climbed five

         hundred feet, and I'm nowhere near the top . . .Gee, look how

         small everything looks down there, . .Say, the rest of my

         garden is growing, too . . .Look at that tremendous honeydew

         melcn . .Oh, no, .it's Semmy the Drummerls head . . .Sa ,y-~CfM



         sZVX=t~,Well, I better start climbing again .
                   (SOUPII? : CLIBMING NOISES)                                 .
(A LITTLE CLIMBING MUSIC)
JACK : Wow, I'm nearly a mile high . . .Gee, from way up here you can

         see everything in Beverly Hills . . . .Lok,ther's CalifonBk
                                  . . . .And say, there's Esther Williams cut in
         her back yard taking a sun bath . . .Gosh, what a                     predicament . .


         I don ' t know which to look ati . .If I lean out real far, I can

         see the entire city of Los Angeles ., .Gee, it looks .s.--

                   (SOUPID : SNAPPING OF WOOD)
JACK : Gee, the branch broke . . .I'm falling, . .I'11 be killed,, .

                   (SOUND :        VERY          LIGHT            PLOP)    -   -   -


JF




                                                                          Ar5{01 0184923
                                                                                            -16-

JACK :        .,,Gosh, I'm not even hurt a bit . . .Wow, am I lucky . . .I

              landed on the smog . . . . . . I never knew the Los Angeles Smog was

              thickenough to support you, . .but then, itts been supporting

              comedians for years,, .Well, I better start climbing back up .

                         (SOUND : CLI6BING NOISES)

                                                                       .(CLIMBNGUS)

JACK : We11, here I am at the top . . .Look at this place, . .it's

              fantastic . . .Look at the trees .,,there's money growing on

              them . . . . .Gee, I'm a Stranger in Paradise . . . . . }Iey, what's the

              matter, .the sky is getting dark .

                         (SODPIDt THOtmER)

JACK : Gee, what ' s that . .

          :   4-m-NaMP          ) FEE FI.DENIS FC FUM

                                      I SMELL THE BIAOD OF A COM®IAN

                                     BE HE ALIVE OR BE HE DEAD
                                      . . .GE'E, HIS HAIR LIFPS RIGHT OFF HIS HEAD .
JACK :        A*afiWWMftff            1   . . . . .   Say, are you the giant?
DENNIS : No, Ifm the assistant giant . . .and you better go see the
              Giant, he owns, this place .

JACK : Oh . .we11, can you take me to him?
DENNIS : I haventt got time, I've got to mow these ~clouds . See you

              later, ,Ding ding .0-7i`(SOUND

                                    : LAWN MOWER PUfT PUTTISR} AWAY)
JACK : Hmm„we11, I better go see the giant, but I don ' t know where

              he   lives .


VECLA :       (OOMPHY) Hello, Jackie Boy .
JACK :        Oh,             hello,                        how      are               you?    ,

JF




                                                                                      HTX01 0184924
                                                                                    -17-


VEOLA : Fine . .,Are you going to give me a great big kissdk,~~"^-
                 .
JACK : Sure . . .Here                                                   G~
(JACK ACTUALLY KISSES VEOLA AS LONG AS HE WANTS TO . . .WE CAN CUT IT 0UT
aF THE TAPE .)         ,ek
VEOLA :    Oh, that was wonderful,~ iss me
          04                                            again .




JACK :         (ON FIIIPER) SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH JACK AND THE

           BEANSTALK, FOIdCS, I ALWAYS DREAM ABOUT HAR .I

JACK : (REG . MIKE) . . .Well, I better go see the giant . . .Gee, I wish

               I knew where he lives . . .I'll ask that rabbit . . . . Excuse me,

           Mr . Rabbit .

MEL : Ehh,tsk tsk, what t s up,             Doe?


JACK : I'm looking for the EiantIs house ., .do you know where he

               lives?                                               ,~

MEL : Yeah, .it's the second castle around the cornerr•~"~•

JACK : Thank you . .and for being so nice, I'm going to send you a big
               bunch of carrots .

MEL :OA, No thanks, chum . . .I'm on a diet . . .I was getting so fat, I

               couldn't move
     : No kidding?             .JACK

MEL : Yeah . .,I wasnTt happy because I was too hippy to hoppy .

JACK : Oh, . .
MEL : Say, why do you keep staring at me like that?

JACK : Oh, I didn't mean to be rude, Mr, Rabbit . . .but you remind me
               an awful lot of a friend of mine . . .Frank Remley .

MEL :      Oh,            is           he   a      rabbit?                       /          „(~~
                                                   /~.•
JACK : No, but he ' s got pink eyes,~                   . . . . .   Well, I WX got to go to
                                                    .

               the giant's house .




                                                                      RTH 0 1   0   1   8   4425
     MEL : So long,                  Benny .


     JACK : So long, Bunny . . .I'm off to see the giant .
     (TRANSITION MUSIC) / /

            : Well, ~Lhis~ythe giant's house . . .I'm going to knock on the
                        KJAC
                   door .

                            (SOUND :KNOCI[d3DR)JACK
            : Gee, look at the giant :s laundry hanging out there on the

                   line . . .Gosh, he has the biggest underwear I ever saw . . . .The

                    "V_" in BVD looks like a Cadillac .                      . . . . . . . .   Oh - oh, I hear

.   '-     somep~                 0 mi          ng to   ope   n the door .

     V800,4.       Co me(
                   ~,~.

     JACK :`~O~Wait~a minute . . . " ;~~'
                                     1                                   ssNd . . .What are you doing

                   here?

     VJMW.         dLm   the giant9s W~` fe .4~~

     : ,~,,,
     JACK                                                                        A

     ~Oh       yes~, .ha ' s                          $   enty            .
                                                                         feet              tall          i
     I
     JACK : Gee . . .Well, IPve got to see h, a , .Is hr-h~me~                                                   ..

     VFOLA : Yes, but I w . ~uldn't try to see him today . .he's in Q .-terrible
                   moofl . .He's vexN~»paet .                                              /

         ACK : Why, what                  happened


         OLA : Somebody ztole his ele~@\tor ahoe~s . ; I
          CK : We1l . even if he is in a had m6od, I t ve                                  got    to see him .

              . A11 right, I111 call THEAE18 SOMEONE HERE TO
     ! SEE YOU, POOPSY .-

     JACK :
     I
               _    fLam,-Poopsy_~___ . .__ ..                       ~
                    Shh, here he comes now .

                             (SOUND : SEVEN TREMMUSLY HEAVY THUDDIPk3 FOOTSTEPS
                                                      ABOUT TWO SECONDS APART)




                                                                                                RTX01     0184926
                                                                      -19-

JACK, Say, are you the giant?                                           .

NELSON : Yes,        I'm   a   bip,   one, aren't I?

JACK : _ to discuss some business with you
           : Well, you'll have to discuss it with my manager.NEISO

      : Oh . .well, who's your manager? . . . . . (pAUSE) ,.JACK he won't             .
             answer me . .. .Miss, besides being his w , ere you his manager,

              too?
     IA : No .

JACK : Then tell me . . .who is the Giant's Manager?

IPELSON : Leo Durocher, I knew you'd ask .



NELSON :     Now don't bother me . I have to feed my chicken that lays the
             golden eggs .
JACK : You have a . . . chicken that lays golden eggs?
NEIBON : Sure . . .it's that one at your feet . . .Watcb . .GO ahead, Chickie . .
             lay a golden egg .

MEL : (CLUCKS SEVfiRAL TIMES LIlfl; A CHICKE[V IAYING F53G)                   .
                           (SOUND : SOUND OF CLUNK OF TEbIPO BLOCK)
JACK : Gosh . . .imagine that . .a chicken that lays golden eggs . . .What

             do you call it?
NEL40N : Barbara Hutton .
JACK : Oh .

NELSON : Now you said you wanted to see me about business . . .What is it?
JACK : Well, your castle and everything else is on top of a

             beanstalk, isn't it?
NELSON :     That's right .
JACK : Well, the beanstalk is growing in my garden, so everything

             here belongs to me
        : No, it doesn't .              .NELSO

JF




                                                            RTH01 07 8 492        7
                                                                                 -20-




T JACK : Yes, it does . . .and first I'm going to take this wonderful

                 chicken



          :                              :
                S=.nea:+t.JACK the on~e-~t h~a~t lays the golden egA . . .Here, chick,

    dA. .h,e.4..(ohick . . .Ther5,~Iwe got you), Cr ..^•-

    MEL : (FRIGHPENID CLUCKING)

     NELSON :    THAT CHICREN ' S     MINE, PUT   IT DOWN .

     JACK : NO SIR, I'M TAHINS, IT BACK TO MY HOUSE WITH ME .
                          (SOUND : RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

     NELSON : WELL, IIM COMING AFTER YOU . . .

                          (SOUND :    THUDDING GIANT RUNNIN3 FOOTSTEPS)

     MEL :      ( KE EPS THRDWI W, IN FRIGHfENID SC4JAK8)

~- JACK : Is gaining on me . . .Oh, I ran off the edge of the
                 beanstalk
                                . (SOUfIIIt SLIDE WHISTLE GOING DOWN SIDWLY . . .SUSTAIN

                                      THROLGH JACK'S NEXT SPE'ECH)

     JACK : I'm falling, I'm fglling . . .Flap your wings, chicken, and give

                 me some he1p . . .This is awful . . .I'm falling .

     ROCH : BOSS
     JACK :       I'll   be   killed, I'll   be killed .

     ROCH : ~    BOSS,   WAKE UP . . .WAI~ UP

     JACK : ~$u1i?        Oh,    it ' s you, Rochester . . .G os h~ w a a dream I was

                 having . . .ROCheater . . .I dream a* I hac~ a    chicken   that laid

                  golden eggs
          : WELL, STOP S WEE2ING
                        .ROCH                 TEAT PILLOW,    ALL YOU ' RE GETTIId? OUT OF

                  IT IS FEATIERS
          : '!, Rochester, fix me something to eat . . .that climbing
                         .JACK

                  gave   me an appetite .

     (PLAYOFF &     APPLAUSE)


     JF



                                                                      RTH01 0 1 8492 8
EASTER   SEAL                                                 -21-

JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, the very best Easter gift of all .is

           the support you give, through Easter seals, to children who

           need your help . These seals provide medical care, nursery

           centers and many other things that are needed . So give and

           give generously to the Easter Seal agency in your community .

          Or send your contribution to Crippled Children care of your

           local Post Office
                               .t:
          Thank you .
(APPLAU9E)




                                                     FtTH01 0184929
CLOSING COMMERCIA L



DON : Jack will be back in just a minute, but first a word from the
            Sweetheart of Lucky Strike .
     LLINS : Hi, friends . This is Dorothy Collins . Y'know, I'll bet that

            if someone asked you why you smoked . . . what It was, exactly,

            you liked about a cigarette . . . I'1l bet the important word

            in your answer would be "taste" . Because, gee, isntt good

            "taste" what everybody wants in a cigarette? Smoking

            enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the

            matter is Luckies taste better . And there are two good

            reasons why that's true . In the first place, L4/igT -- Lucky

            Strike means fine tobacco . . . naturally mild, good-tasting

            tobacco . And second, Luckies are made better to taste

            better . Made round, and firm and fully-paoked to draw freely

            and to smoke evenly, And that, friends, is the whole story .

            That's exactly why Luckies taste better . Because Luokies

            are made with fine tobacco . . . and because they're made

            better . Why don't you try a carton soon . Be Happy -- Go

            Lucky . How 'bout it ?

COLLINS :   Luckies taste better l

CHORUS :    Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother !

COLLINS : Luckies taste better!

CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootheri

            For Lucky Strike means fine tobacc

                                       o         oRicher-tasngfb

COLLINS :   Luckies taste better!

CHORUS :    Cleaner, Fresher, Smootherl
            Lucky Strikel Lucky Strike l


JF




                                                                   H 1-'r{01   0184930
       TAG                              -23-

       JACK : Goodnight, wA~rea little late .                                .

       (APPLAUSE)

       DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt
                Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al

                Gordon, and produced•and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .

                The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike,
                product of the American Tobacco Company . . . . AmerlcV a leading

               manufacturer of cigarettes .




C ,'




                                                            H1' 9 01   o7a   4931

								
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