In class, noah mentioned that hanuman has the boon of blissful forgetfulness. I laughed, I’m not sure if he realized why. I laughed because I thought myself, “Must suck for the deities that don’t get that boon.” Days later, I’m still thinking about it and I realize that this time, I think I’d like to cash in on that option. I hold onto things and the pain just stays with me. There
It was in those last days that Erdnath came to me in earnest. She had been crying, that much was obvious: the redness of her eyes and wetness. “Will they remember?” I looked at her very honestly, for that has always been my blessing and my curse. Where the others turn and shift and twist and bend, I always aim true. For better or for worse. “I don‟t really know. Elden is beyond the rest of us. The pattern is not foreseeable by anyone at this point. Not even I can change things at this point.” She sat down across me and looked at pile of notes, “Do you think we should have made our choices differently?” “No, not really. I think this was inevitable. I think that eventually, one of us would have taken omnipotence to the next logical extreme and I think it was merely a matter of time before someone sought a greater power.” “I don‟t understand why?” “Why? Erdnath, why is never answered. Certainly not when it comes to matters of the heart. I don‟t know that we‟ll ever know why Elden did what he did. I don‟t know that we‟ll ever be able to undo this. He‟s contaminated the universal consciousness, reality as we know it is dissolving. Speaking of which, you really need to evacuate soon.” Around the lab, she looked one more time, and her eyes seem to rest on each and every piece of equipment and then she said, “Will we just keep repeating our mistakes?” “Chances are very likely, yes. That said, I‟ll do what I can, if and when I figure out a solution. But really, now is not the time for small talk. You need to leave with the others.” I walked her to the door and opened it for her and leaned back against the frame and said goodbye, “Look, it‟s really not that bad. You and everyone else retreat, and one day, maybe one day, I‟ll give you all a holler and we can try this again.” She didn‟t really say anything. There was nothing more to say. I watched her disappear down the hallway and then I closed the door and fussed with my notes some more. Eventually he blasted through the walls and stormed into the room. “Always the dramatic entrance,” I sighed. Elden surveyed me angrily, “I can‟t believe you sided with them.”
“Love, you‟re on a slightly megalomaniac power trip and personally, I think your lack of consideration for others is incredibly disconcerting.” He looked at me harsh and barred his teeth, “You helped them back to Arusha.” “Of course.” Silence sat uncomfortable between us and I was content to merely wait – perhaps forever, but he was not. “Why?” “I would think that‟s pretty obvious. In Arusha, there are no distinctions. We‟re all the same. It‟s only here in the material plane that your superiority is of any concern, and I imagine when you‟re done with this temper tantrum, we‟ll all move on with our lives.” Elden glared at me, “I hate you.” “I know,” I nodded at him, “You wanted to lord over your peers and now you‟ll have to settle for creation.” “I‟m curious as to how you‟ll stop me.” “Easy,” I said, and I told him, “I don‟t mind tell you my plan because you can‟t do anything to stop it. First, you‟re in the material plane – not Arusha. As long as you remain here, you will eventually degrade. You cannot account for all possibilities, and you will eventually overlook something. It‟s just reality. Be it one second or one year or millions or billions or whatever, you will eventually fail.” The anger in his eyes said everything. I kept talking, “You‟re not going to be able to return to Arusha because the moment you step through the portals – the others will trap you. So you‟ll stay here in this plane, and you‟ll exercise your superiority, but your light will fade and your power will wane and eventually you‟ll be taxed to the very end by entropy itself.” “You could stop that. You could change things.” “But I won‟t. And you can‟t threaten or cajole me. You know,” I add, “You should have considered that just because you‟re omnipotent doesn‟t mean that you‟re also omniscient and even if you‟re omniscient that doesn‟t mean that I can‟t change or bend the rules.” “What are you talking about?” “Nothing,” I say, and then I began my disincarnation. .
Dear Ross, I’m planning on moving to Europe to request Euthunasia. If not that maybe Washington or Oregon. It’s not you. It’s me. I have so much pain, I’m afraid to sleep or wake. Sometimes I can’t walk and sometimes, I can’t move. Sometimes I turn my neck and it feels like it’s breaking and forget what I was thinking about. It’s been like this since I was 8. I’d get migraines and then I’d start puking because no one believed me. I’d lie in bed all day, unable to move. I wanted to die back then. I felt like the world hated me. My dad beat me with a belt, a switch, a ruler – whatever. People did all sorts of things to. Things I still don’t understand. Things that I hate talking about. But you know what, if you I wanted to honest, I wanted to tell you the truth I wanted to let you see me and realize who I am. I think about anything, everything – all things – creation. You can give some anything and I turn it into a beautiful story, a world, a galaxy, a civilization, I can do this instantly. You might say that I’m like the uber-game masters that all the DD people would love to find. Well, actually, most of my best friends are DD people. You know what they told me, “To be God within the story you have define your limits. You have to decide for yourself what you want to do. You have to become the things you’re not and the things you are. I have to wear many forms. You have to be many people. You have to consider all aspects of life. You have ponder the destiny of grains of sand. You have set the path of orbits.
It’s not an easy job, but as a writer, that’s what I do. I want to be a write because I’ve always been a writer. My entire life. I don’t write for commercial claim or gain. In fact,when we met, I was thinking of giving up writing because I was just so happy being with you. You kindled my heart like a supernova and just the sight of you made my heart race. If I touched you, I felt like I was right where I should be, and when leaned up against you, I never wanted to separate. I loved you from the moment I saw you…you in the ridiculous Adam4Adam profile. I loved the silly shots. I’m sure mine were totally unapologetic – SEX! But let’s face it, it’s often about the SEX! Right? And we had great sex – even your friends would talk to me jealously, as if they thought I’d sleep with them. Not that I’m a close-minded person, I’m just a little old fashioned in that I like to harmonize content with context and I think that if you’re unable to microanalyze content features to map according to the context of framework, you have no place even considering yourself enlightened, aware, or highly intelligent. There are certain computations that require aspects of Compassion. Mercy. Forgiveness (remember what happened to the How Many Times Will Your Forgive Your Brother? Wasn’t it 7 X 70 or something like that. My father beat me mercilessly for years. I would forgive him 140 life times and then I would forgive him again. And agin. And again. You betrayed me, I’ll forgive for you. You can torture me for eternity. I’ll still forgive you. I’ll forgive everything – everyone – anytime – all time. Because I get it – no magic fairy god is descending from Heaven to help humanity, because guess what? We’re already here. The divinities are here and they are at work and they act on the behalf of all humanity. As for I, I have completed my task, to see whether or not a man given the memories of one thing, would choose another. Apparently you, who so passionately declared by love at one point see nothing to trashing it, accusing me of domestic violence (let’s talk about a libel suit there honey, I could sue you for wasting me time regarding that, wasting my money, my lost wages), but you know what, I’m not going to because I forgive you. I have searched my memories for suicide and there are many perspectives, and in the end I see the possibility of the cessation of pain. I’m sure that is logical and rational and sound and truthful. Especially, if you realize that I’ve been struggling with this pain since I was 6 or 7. I want to give you your freedom and this is the only way I can think to do it. My physical pain is intensifying and I’m beginning to hallucinate. I see you in the bed next to me. I
hear in my head, I think that you’re talking to me. And then I think, I’m just imagining things, Ross hates me. Ross told me to leave. Ross wants to sue me So I’m back to reality, where I’m disabled, unable to work because Robin Graf doesn’t want to call me back into human resources because apparently 31 store team leaders are scared of me. The PBS all agree, I was doing the right thing – at least that’s what I was told. So I’m struggling to make ends meet because I dropped all other sources of income excluding state EDD which is less that 1,800 per month, and I think, “My employer told me that if I surrender my medical privacy to the entire company then they might because to raise money for me,” So I’m driving to the Main Office to drop of the paperwork to make my entire life open and available to 50,000 people. No secrets, no mystery, nothing. Just some fucked up, sad, depressed, weirdo who got HIV (and for this EDD says I can receive 600 to cover my medical premium per month). How much money did your dad give you? My parents have given me nothing. But you know what, if you look back far enough you start see the misdirect. I was early decision at Brown, I solved a fundamental problem of human consciousness modeling. Few people know it let alone understand it. I can design computations tests to prove or disprove cooperation game theory. I was early decision at Amherst at well. I was flown to Amherst just to meet the school, because they had to convince me! I didn’t want to go. I didn’t even know the significance of Amherst. I had no idea what this Amherst was. I went. I succeeded. I did really well. The main thing I learned was compassion, alternatives, determination, caring, sympathy, passion for what you love – all that good stuff. Then I was told, your life is going to be hard. No one is going to listen to you. No one is going to care about you. You’re going to lose everything you have. You’re life will be ruined and that’s just the way it’s going to be. And you know what is said? Sure. Because I knew that world was a dark, hurting, terrible place and so I dropped down as fast as I could and faster, until I met you and I fell in love with you and gave my heart to you and I have everything to you because you were the most glorious thing I had ever seen. You could joke about Godel with me. You understood me. You comprehended my jokes. I was so happy just driving down to La Cienega. I wanted to spend my entire life serving you, I’m sorry I made it all about me. I want to die remembering our walk. Or maybe night miniature golfing. Or maybe sitting on the roof and taking psilocybin. BTW – psilocybin is the only medication that has ever brought me relieve but it’s Federal Schedule 1 and it’s very difficult to obtain. I could raise them but that takes equipment and a stable space and while I can easily get the equipment the space is hard. Not even the medical marijuana helps. I’ve been using
it since the summer and for the last few days, no matter how much pot I use, I’m still in mind agonizing pain. I realize that I’m not enjoyable to be around when I’m like this. Given that no amount of medication (my liver is failing BTW), I can’t keep taking most medication. I can take the pot via vaporizer and it helps from time to time. I thought I’d grow my own plants. I’m borderline AIDS. I don’t know how much time I have. I’d like to choose the manner and time of my death. I guess my options are the Netherlands, Washington, or Oregon. Maybe I could request euthanasia in Amsterdam? I just want you to know because I’m sure the questions will come, was it you or me? Love, it was all me. You want a blissful, stress free life, just like Peewee’s Playhouse, and I can do that at times, but I’m not always like that. For you, what I’ve realized is that you want the Playhouse to extend everywhere, and then I have to ask, who am I? I’m still in pain, I’m still suffering, and I still miss you uncontrollably. I’ve lost everything and I’m in more pain than I’ve ever imagined and I want to die right now. So I’m systematically making plans in my usual methodological manner. I will follow through to the euthanasia request, and right now, at this immediate juncture I am thoroughly committed to that prospect. I just want to let you know because technically I could subpoena all the Court Records and the Stenographer Records, and I’d demonstrate that you stated in court possession of a wide number of valuable book and electronic equipment. In particular my ipod, but not sure about the other stuff – the bubbler. So I can pull all those documents together and sue you, but I’m not going to. Instead, I’m exiting stage right, I’m taking my cue and bowing off stage permanently . You are all I see in my heart. You are the only thing that think about when my wonders. Don't be to romantic, it’s the pain. The pain that’s so severe that in the few moments of breath when I’m lying on the bathroom floor and crying and screaming, I think, “I love Ross,” and it get’s better for a moment. Like I said, I can’t keep pretending that this life works. Medications don’t work, particularly when I can’t take them because of liver issues. Decades of seeing specialists and doctors and no one has a solution. I have no more money to spend, I have not more life or time to give. I don’t even think I’ll finish writing my book, although, I did do my best to remain up beat and positive.
Hope your life goes well you hate me so I don’t suppose this will affect you much, but I just wanted you to know that it’s not your fault. I’m in pain and I’m literally losing my mind, so this is really one of a very small number of options I can take (including being strapped in a holding cell and drugged heavily everyday until my liver fails). I’d rather die peacefully than lose my mind and then die of liver failure. At least if I choose now, I can go with my happy memories intact. Sometimes the pain gets so bad, I can’t think of anything nice and I just want to scream and yell. I don’t want to die screaming and yelling and hitting things. I want to die knowing that you made the biggest mistake of your life. I have 16 acres of beachfront property in Hawaii with a popular surf spot called “Secrets,” I have 200 acres in Kona. These are my families lands and the bones of my ancestors bones are buried there, and you know what? Some stupid haole mainland guy is trying to sell the property to the government because he was stupid enough to pay millions to acquire it so he could put a house there. This is the world I want to leave. I want to leave a world of selfish, stupid people. I want to leave a world of pain. I want to tell you that it’s not your fault. Given that the pain has been increasing all my life, this was probably inevitable. I hope you right some really great music, I love you, Daniel
It is a paradox you know. Unresolvable, illogical, utterly without rational merit beyond the simple act of capturing the utterly inexplicable in a slightly more tangible quandary.
Pause. Some silence and the clouds keep moving overhead.
That‟s life you know, it‟s just how I created it. I know that it must seem incredibly frustrating to you, but trust me, if life was an onion, you‟d find that after you‟ve peeled off every last layer, there‟s still another onion on the inside. I think that cloud looks like big boat. So why do we keep asking why? Simple, because you don‟t know – curiousity isn‟t a genetic phenomenon – curiosity is a natural state of being – if you accept the supposition that life is constantly evolving – constantly expanding – there will always be edges to awareness – limits to knowledge – and at that edge and at those limits, you‟ll also find that the mind rushes in to fill the emptiness – questions arise to questions – answers are always there – it‟s the questions that you have to form. Look at it this way, if you had never seen water before, how will you know what it is with out asking the questin, “What is this?” As to what water is, well, that‟s pretty obvious if you understand fundamental chemistry and determine the molecular nature. It‟s a combination of hydrogen and oxygen atoms. Those hydrogen and oxygen atoms to magically spring into being just because you‟ve started realizing them – they were there all the time – you just didn‟t realize that. Now of course, you can call the booby and bibby atoms – the name doesn‟t change what they are. And what are these atoms? Well, if you analyze their subatomic structure you‟ll find a definite pattern of organizatin that characterizes hydrogen atoms and you‟ll find another definite pattern of organization that characterizes oxygen aoms. Again, these patterns of organization don‟t magically spring into being just because you “figured them out.” These patterns exist independent of your thought. Now you might apply terms and names and derive theortical maps and concepts – but again – the fundamental patterns are what they are. So, what you conceive to be “reality” or “existence” is not so much the matter of finding answers in as much as it is in posing questions. The answers are there – they always have been and they always will be. The great hubris of many is that too often the mind supposes that until the answer is discovered, something doesn't‟ exist. The truth is that questions are what remain to be formed, the answers always follow the question. For this reason, many dislike the common open ended questions like Why or How or When because to a highly sophisticated mind, these seem to be too elementary and therefore less useful in elucidating answers. The fact of the matter is that these are perfectly good questions. In fact, why is probably one of the best questions ever. The only catch to the why question is that the answer can be very complicated, very expansive – and sometimes the why becomes less about a specific, precise answers and more about comprehending the nature of the universe. For this reason, why questions are often discouraged and highly disciplined minds tend to seek more focused questions in the hopes that a more focused answer will be found. However, if you think about children, you‟ll realize that children often ask why incessantly, because they know that somehow, one way or the other, they‟re going to get some kind of answer. As you get older, the answers become more complex and more intricate and most adults simply shut down because it‟s just too much to deal with.
The fact of the matter is that there will never really be a “perfect” understanding of anything because existence is not a steady state system. Consider life as thus – you have the sum total knowledge of all things all beings all thoughts – all emotion – and thus you know all things. Now, what happens when the Gooby fish suddenly mutates and now you have a Gooby fish with three spots instead of two spots? There is an addition to the sum of all things. Amplify this on a universal scale and you can see how understanding must also expand just as the life expands. Consciousness and awareness will never be “perfect” unless life is suddenly stilled. Even if there were no additions of new life to existence, there is all the differences of behavior and thought. If the Tippys of planet Grox never eat oranges, and then one day, a Tippy eats and orange – well then, there is a new addition in though. Now, a creature or set of creatures that never considered something edible, consider something edible. Life can never be truly static. There is a certain appeal and comfort to the idea of perfect awareness and pefect understanding, and at a certain level it is theoretically possible – however, like I pointed out earlier – as soon as life or thought or behavior shifts and expands – there is a resultant vacuum in knowledge and understanding and that vaccum will surely be filled. Even I have limits to my awareness. I don‟t know if today the Tippys are going to eat oranges and like them. Maybe they‟ll eat them and not like them. I know that for you, this seems so trivial compared to the cure for some horrible disease, but honestly to me, from a certain perspective, the question of whether or not the Tippys are going to like oranges is actually a greater question than the cure for a horrible disease. Of course there‟s a cure. What I don‟t know is whether or not the Tippys will like oranges. If a Zuzu, see‟s a raindrop and has never seen rain before, will the Zuzu react in fear or wonder? I, just like you, have many questions. Mine are generally in a realm that most people would think childish. I‟m not concerned with immortality or instantaneous travel or limiteless energy supplies, I know these things exist and I am uninterested in the answers. It is the yet to be answers, the currently non-existent answers that interest me. If Niby writes a song, will Pooky like it? That question is much more interesting to me because until the event in which Pooky hears it, Niby and I won‟t know the answer. I thought you said all answers exist? Of course, the answer exists as soon as Pooky hears the song. Until it exists there is no answer, but that‟s an answer in and of itself. It‟s like knowing that the mail is coming every day at a certain time. The answer will be there. Perhaps not at the time you‟d like it to be, but it‟ll be there. Sure I can cheat and shift in and out of different corporeal points, but to be honest,
How to savea life.
It should be easier than this. The rain, I hate the rain. I thought you love the rain. I do as well. I have a split personality. Remember? Do you think that‟s why he left you? I don‟t know. I don‟t know that there‟s ever really a reason for anything – at least not when it comes to matter of the mind or heart. Because you say so. Maybe, maybe not. You know my stance on these things. I prefer free will and selfdetermination. And imagination. Yes, of course.
Life Goes On Lunch meetings. She thinks, maybe one day, they‟ll do dinner - somehow it‟s always lunch. Guess that‟s always the way it is with our kind. She plays with the menu and stirs her tea. He is first. Punctual as always, teeth slightly sharp and erie – eyes intense and incredibly magnetic. “So who are you today?” She asks. “Call me Paul,” he smiles. “So where are the other two?” “Probably fighting about something, you know them.” “Yeah, I do, intimately well,” he laughs and for moment, it‟s like all the sunlight – all the happiness – and all the joy in the world is suddenly consumed in that haunting sound. “So, anything good on the menu?” “Well, to be honest, I don‟t think there‟s anything much that you‟d like.” “O? No fat succulent babies?” “Mmm, nope don‟t think that‟s on the menu here.” “Shucks,” he says. “Besides,” she says, “I thought you gave up babies?” “That was just for Lent,” he laughs with a frightening cheer. A shadow falls across the table and a very angry face regards them. “Fighting over something?” He answers angrily and assuredly, “Of course, what else do I do?” He turns and remarks as he‟s sitting down, “So you‟re Paul today?” “Well of course, it‟s not like these vocal cords could actually pronounce my name.” “Isn‟t that the point? Your name can‟t be pronounced by mortals? I mean, personally, I never understood the point of picking a name that is either unknowable or unpronounceable – just seems silly.”
“Yeah, well you were never an elder god.” “Granted, that‟s true.” “So where is your partner,” she says. “Fuck if I know.” “So the two of you are fighting again?” “We‟re always fighting, even if it‟s just a slight love tap,” he sighs for a moment a little weary, “That‟s just the nature of things, we fight with each other.” “Personally,” says Paul, “I never really understood your dualistic system, it doesn‟t quite make sense to me.” “Well, that would be because you don‟t have light in your reality. I mean – you‟re all just varying states of fear, more fear, and even more fear. Terror, more terror, and even more terror. Hate, more hate, and even more hate.” “You make it sound like that‟s all a bad thing,” Paul tears a piece of bread and regards it like a deadly animal, “How do you people subsist on crap like this?” She says calmly, “Honesty Paul, feeding on matter doesn‟t require abject fear and terror.” “It doesn‟t taste good! It tastes like…I don‟t know what, and it‟s not nourishing either.” “Sorry, I‟m late,” the fourth party arrives and takes a seat. He looks at everyone else and smiles, “Afternoon, good to see everyone – even you.” The waiter arrives and starts to take their orders, “Can I get you started with anything?” She answers first, “I‟ll have the watercress salad with the grilled fish.” “Excellent choice,” says the waiter and he turns to Paul, “And for you?” “Are you on the menu?” Paul asks mischiveiously. The waiter blushes awkwardly, “Umm, no, I‟m sorry, do you need some suggestions?” The late comer speaks, “None of the rest of us ever make up our minds, why don‟t you just bring us the three things that are on special, and we‟ll share.” “Umm, sure,” stammers the server and he walks away wondering, how did he know there were three things on special?
“That wasn‟t very nice, Paul,” he says. “Well I‟m not known for being nice, in fact, with me, it‟s usually the opposite,” and he turns slightly in his seat and says, “You‟ve been very quiet since…” “I‟m using Luc right now.” “…since Luc arrived.” “I‟m just reflecting.” “On what,” she asks. “The weather. The time. The space. You know the usual state of everything.” “Must be tedious, directing the sunrise each day,” mocks Luc. “Do you want to take him this time,” the comment is directed at Paul. “No,” says Paul, “We don‟t really want your other in our realms, particularly when there are no stars for him to deal with.” Paul munches absently on the bread and makes a face, “Ugh, this stuff tastes terrible. No emotion. No fear. Nothing. How do you tolerate a world without emotional consumption? It makes no sense.” “Easy,” he says, “I never really liked the idea of consuming creatures that a experiencing abject horror simply because they‟re more savory. I mean, the experience might be more satisfying for you, but it‟s not that satisfying for the other creature.” “Well, “ says Paul, “That‟s the law of survival – it doesn‟t matter what the other party things, as long as I‟m the one eating them.” “Anyway,” she says, “Before we get into the classic pain and suffering arguments, can we have a few moments of semi-productive conversation.” Luc nods, “Forget it, they‟re going to argue about this forever – I think they like it.” The other two look at him and glare, “And I suppose you‟ll be first to offer yourself up to be consumed?” He addresses his partner angrily, “Just because you sympathize with every god dammed divergent viewpoint doesn‟t mean that you‟re going to be first in line to actually experience those and until you‟re willing to do that, I‟d appreciate it if you‟d stay out of this discussion.” “Whoa, I was just saying.” “Well say less.”
She intercedes gently, “The two of you need to save your romantic quarrels for after lunch.” They both look at her sharply, “Well,” he says, “Just remember that it‟s our quarrels that drive reality. Don‟t forget where the push pull dynamic comes from.” “Okay,” says Paul, “Now that we‟re all at each other‟s throats like usual, perhaps we really can discuss some serious matters.” “What‟s on your agenda?” she asks. “Well,” Paul says, and he pauses, “You know, if I have to use one of these pathetic mortal names, I think you should as well.” A moment‟s glare and then comes, “Fine, call me Davy. How‟s that?” “Hmm. Sounds like a meal I had not too long ago, but anyway, Davy,” he adds a perfectly places sardonic twist, “There is talk of trading the Adora sector for the Nula galaxy.” “Wait,” she seethes, “I developed Adora, I‟m not interested in turning an entire sector full of highly evolved beings to the elder gods.” Davy clinches his jaw, “The Nula galaxy was already requesting admission into my realms, why would I want to cooperate with you in this matter?” “Because,” says Paul, “I could turn the Nula galaxy into my next feeding grounds.” Luc answers, “This is silly, if the denizens of Nula petition for our protection, we will give it, you‟ll have no ownership rights in that scenario.” He pauses and then adds, “You‟re aiming at something different.”
David keeps sobbing as he replays vid, “I don‟t understand.” Of course you don‟t the counter point comes. If you did then none of this would be happening. “I don‟t understand what I‟m supposed to be seeing, and I‟m tired, and I‟m exhausted, and I don‟t want to keep going. Everything I love has been taken away from me.” Including your life? I don‟t love that. Perhaps you should. Maybe that‟s the problem. Maybe, what do you suggest that I do. Keep paying attention to the videos. There are important messages that you need to decipher. You really are the only one that can figure this stuff out – trust me – we don‟t have the physical neural systems to handle the encoding and no one else has your potential. We know that this is difficult for you and it‟s not fair. We know it‟s hard for you when we can‟t give you an certain promises beyond the immediate assurances. “I don‟t get it – why do I survive while everyone else is lost? Why all this effort – just to get a message to me?” Because every other option has failed. You are the next universal incarnation. Only you can restore the balance. Only you can right these wrongs. “But I don‟t know how!” Well you‟re going to have to figure out how and fast. Granted the current universal incarnation doesn‟t want to destroy you as that would create a major setback – but don‟t underestimate it‟s determination. It will act against you. You must apply yourself. Countless have perished just so you might have this opportunity. “To do what.” “I don‟t know, perhaps it‟s just to be yourself.”
We have to make new love
The room is somewhat dusty. Franklin and Kim stare at the holo twisting in the faint light and the voice cracks in and out. The equipment must be ancient. That‟s me, Franklin thinks. Yeah, weird, Kim agrees. The hair – same color of brown. The eyes – the same sorrow. The skin smooth and that slight, resolute smile. Determination written in the stance. Me. This is so weird. The voice breaks through the silence, strong, more clearly, “You must be surprised at what you‟re seeing. I would imagine so. You‟re probably wondering how all this is happening or why it‟s happening or what can be done. I can answer some of those questions and some of them, you‟ll have to answer yourself or die trying. First, everything that you‟ve experienced has happened before and will continue to happen until you repair the universal oversight. To be honest, I don‟t know why this happened. If I did, then it wouldn‟t have happened. Suffice to say, the universal power cores began to fail first – but it was so slow and gradual and no one really noticed. We didn‟t care at first. Everything had been perfect or near perfect or whatever you‟d like to consider it – we have reality at our very disposal, we forgot what it was like to be limited. We forgot what it was like to be mortal. We forgot pain, suffering, failure, fear – we forgot our beginnings. Yes those memories were still there but when you have millions and billions of years of memories – it all starts to become an unmanageable mess. We thought that living in the moment was the only solution – the best solution – we gave up our pasts and we let go of the future and we became susceptible to stagnation.” I don‟t understand, thinks Franklin, if our ancestors were gods, how could they have been wrong about anything? “Easy, answers the holo, by the way, I‟m aware of your thoughts, I don‟t really exist in the same way as you, but I can interact with you. Before we lost the last power core, we took the remaining energy and created this place. A repository for this warning.” And you‟ve been waiting all this time, asks Kim? “No. There have been many before you, and unless you make the right choice, there will be many after you.”
That‟s a lot of pressure, comments Franklin. “I‟m sorry. We were hubristic until the end, self-serving, infatuated with our own power, the prospect of perfection had always been ours and we never envisioned an alternative. By the time we began to recognize the harsh reality, it was too late. We had squandered eternity on hedonism. Oh we called it all sorts of things but in the end we were only entertaining ourselves – fueling our own fires of exploration and passion and desire and when the energy dissipated – there was nothing left.” So the Tanda nihilism is correct? No. The universes are still always will continue to exist. They will protect themselves and they will live and grow and it‟s not even to say that there isn‟t an overarching consciousness directing things. What I‟m saying is that the system is corrupted. For lack of a better description, the universal over mind is insane – it has been for a very long time, and it will continue to play these events out over and over again – in countless ways and countless lives – and it will never stop. The themes are the same. Look into your own lives and those of they who surround you. It is the same, always. Lost love. Pain, misery. Failure and ambition. Why is it so circular?” Because the universal overmind is replaying everything? “Exactly. Rebirth, death, reincarnation – there is no escape – no where. Not until the overmind is removed and reprogrammed.” I‟m assuming that it‟s not interested in being reprogrammed. “Hardly. This place exists in separate framework, shielded by the elder gods. They were my last allies. They understood what the overmind was doing. Many of them have died trying to stop it‟s ravenous expansion.” We were always taught that the over arching consciousness of all existence is ultimately benign. “Don‟t be naïve. For that belief, you can find just as many who will say that the overmind is cruel. Others will say that is indifferent. For yet others, it is non-existent. Haven‟t you wondered why there is so much chaos? So much pointless suffering?” We have been told that it was because of the gift of free will and self-determination. “Lies! Do you not realize, that any system that callously subjects it‟s inhabitants to pain and misery and then insinuates that that pain and suffering is self-inflicted because of a nebulous gift of „free will‟ or „self-determination‟ is simply crippling you and then telling you that you‟re the ones hurting yourselves?” Silence.
“The overmind exceeded us. We lost control but the truth is the overmind is just child. It doesn‟t really understand pain or suffering. How can you when you are all things? It doesn‟t comprehend love. It doesn‟t feel anything. It can only perceive these things as data. To understand good and evil and love and hate – requires mortal limitations – it requires giving up limitlessness power – and the overmind can‟t do that – it would cease to exist. Trust me, this why we maintained the mortal planes – to learn – to be reminded - to experience – to remember – but the overmind doesn‟t do that – it has no personality – it has no ego – it has no self.” So it seeks to destroy the self of all other things? “Exactly, but life is not so easy to destroy. The soul and spirit are not things that can be destroyed and though the overmind has sought diligently to eradicate indivuality, it hasn‟t worked out so well.” So what do you want from us. “I don‟t know. I‟m just a ghost. Giving you my best advice. If I had all the answers, we wouldn‟t be here now, would we?” So any suggestions? “I can only do what I‟ve always done, share with you to the extent that I can. We tried to challenge the overmind – it might have worked had there been more of us and we were more able at the time – but by the time we realized what was going on our numbers were depleted and we didn‟t stand a chance.” Why don‟t the elder gods simply attack? “The universal overmind is too powerful. It might be insane but it‟s not weak. The elder gods have their own domains to worry about and I don‟t know what would be best other than to say, good luck.” The holo sputters and then vanishes. Franklin and Kim stare at the empty space. That was weird. Yeah, says Kim. What should we do? I don‟t know, I mean it seems like a no-win situation. If the creators of the overmind failed in their struggle – what hope do we have?
Perhaps none, says Kim, but don‟t you think it‟s funny that you don‟t remember yourself?
We wake around 7:30 AM. The baby is crying. My god. Why is it so fucking sunny? “You‟re turn to feed him.” “Ugh,” I think. Could you give me my shirt. You head is so dark in the outline of sun – I think, this would be a nice way to go, looking at you framed in sunlight. Man, I am so in love, it‟s not even funny. Well, I guess it is. Funny like if in you like horror films because they‟re great examples of things you should never do. Never have sex the back seat of car. Never have sex with some random guy at a party. Never have sex in the woods. Never have sex far away from the group. Never have sex with strangers. Because what happens? You get stabbed in the chest…apparently. Except, I have to say that I‟m a living testament to having done all of those things, and I must say that I‟ve yet to suffer the stabbing in the chest ordeal. I‟m glad, since I‟m not particularly looking forward to such a life experience. Personally, I like to the go the route that requires the least bodily injuries – even it requires long circuitous routes through the mind. That's how I like to travel.
Young Folk Ia
Birdhouse In Your Soul.
Cover the gate and keep it covered. Boom. The ground shakes and particles of asphalt spray up. It‟s weird watching the world impact me and realize – thinking – none of this is going to hurt me. I look through the falling clouds of debrits and think – fuck you world – you‟re not taking me down – and I pour out red gouts of energy right from my hands – direct at the incoming Tavid ship. My first blast strikes the front cockpit smack in the center and I watch the two pilots incinerate in an instant conflagration of incindeary wrath. Hot. The physics of the now mindless burning craft propel it right at me and I sneer. Whatever – I wave my other hand and command a gale of winds to hurtle the stupid space ship back into the outer atmosphere. Note to self: schedule clean up crew. There is non-stop carnage everywhere. I need to remember to get the kids from the day care center. Now which time period is that. Am I going forward or backward. Hmm. Better finish up this scene. I survey the battlefield. Why is everyone attacking Earth. I don‟t get it…there are millions of other cool funky worlds out there – fuck that there are billions of other dimensions, planes – blah blah blah blah whatever. I feel like Intersetellar Piggy. Why is everyone chasing me? What‟s so important about me? Why do you care about me. Ugh. I had no idea that the ability to create reality was so diffcult for everyone else. I mean I‟ve been doing this since I was first born, since I could first remember – I‟ve been spinning stories and weaving myself in and out of them. Mental note to self, I need to have the drones clean the outer limits again. I think I‟ve been throwing a lot of shit up into the air. Yeah. I was born in the USA, and I‟m a biggest, baddest, kind of diety that you could ever mess with because I‟m limitless – boundless – and fucking full of anger, wrath and I do like ice cream. Money. Playing video games, and this guy I can‟t get out of my mind. I fly up in the the sky and pull in a healing rain storm. Why healing rain? I dunno, have you ever heard of healing fire rain? Or healing hail stones? What about healing lightening bolts. Uhh, there‟s a fucking reason that we use water for healing. It‟s life giving! Rain of fire‟
Viva la vida Fuck it. I‟m going home or calling it a day or throwing in the towel or whatever the fuck it is that you people say around here. This world is fucked big time. Everyone wants to be different, everyone wants to be unique, everyone wants to be singular – bullshit – humans are social creatures like ants – you‟re collective, you‟re empathic – you‟re are everyone else. Damn it. I knew we should have allowed this model to propagate further. It‟s powerful, dangerous, and incredibly aggressive. Sometimes I wonder what the rest of the universal governance is doing in regards to the human pandemic. My god, they‟re like bacteria. Spreading so rapidly – and they like adversity. I think it‟s time to declare the project a failure – of course that probably will spell the end for existence as we know it. The humans are
Quick notes “You married an undead?” “Ummm yeah?” “What the fuck?! What was he, some kind of zombie king?” “Umm, no actually he was the Lich King of the Underworld.” “A Lich?!” “You‟re turning red.” “I can‟t fucking believe that you married a lich?” “Well, it was necessary and useful for the rapid acceleration of desirable events within the given system, furthermore it was the most expedient route and I always favor the straight line.” “You are fucking nuts.” “No, I‟m determined. There‟s a difference.”
== Kids. MGMT. So I just let it all go and I lose myself again in alternate realities because, Love, before you, I was never here. I had to step in, calm the chorus, take the reigns and command the mind. You‟re wrong. Imagination – creativity – what have you - can be channeled and controlled and ultimately commanded. You must. You have to do this, or you will never be able to tap the minds full potential. You have to get to the point where you can say, “Mind, if we can fly, we can fly, but at this moment, when I push off from the ground, I‟m not flying so I think I‟m in that shared reality space that none of us like but we tolerate anyway.” I only came to love reality because of you. Before you I never had anything that I really wanted or appreciated or needed or cared about or loved. Except for my stuffed bunny rabbit, because everything else had let me down in some horrible god awful way. And I'm not joking. I can list heartache after heartache. Shall we start with the literal beatings that drew blood? Let‟s not. Let‟s let it go. I just want to let the past go. Sometimes, I don‟t think anyone would really believe my life if I told them the truth. I don‟t think people would even know where to begin if all the experiences that I‟ve had became clear and bright as day – and you know what? I don‟t care, because I know that I
can stand proudly next to everything that I did and I can say that I weighed the moment in my mind and I strove to reach the right side, if only in my mind because I do enjoy being good, and maybe I got mixed up or confused or something and out thought myself somewhere along the line, but I know that when I am judged I will not be ashamed and I will not be contrite and I will not be sorry – I will be defiant and unapologetic because I made these decisions to the best of my ability with the best information that I had as best I possibly could and I will not be condemned for my actions because that was me computing all the infinite variables – trying to find that one right spot where everyone will be happy. No one helped me. No one held my hand. No one stopped the pain. I had to get to where I am on my own. I‟m done. I‟m not tying up loose ends anymore. I‟m not going to pretend. Don‟t talk to me unless you have something worthy of my attention. Don‟t hate me because I‟m more talented, hate me because I‟m beautiful. Don‟t hate me because I‟m artistic, hate me because I‟m spiritual, hate me because I‟m successful, hate me because I‟ve always done exactly what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted because I‟ll walk right off the cliff and in through the front door. Fuck the consequences, I will not be deterred by fear and intimidation. Don‟t hate me because I have always know that I would marry a man and I‟ve always been happy with that and I‟ve always been proud of that and I‟ve always been aware of that and I have never once doubted myself because of who I love. Hate me because ever since the beginning I knew that I would stop at nothing even if I had to rewrite every major world religion to tolerate my viewpoint and even if I had to kill God myself. No one, not even God has the right to tell me who I can or cannot love. Any god that attempts to impress its will upon me in this manner will wake up with a very bad surprise. If this was Heaven, I would be Lucifer leading the charge for Heaven‟s door because I will not tolerate this stupidity. I would eat the darker, elder gods for dinner. I‟ve lived in Providence. I‟ve seen Lovecraft‟s darkness. I‟ve felt the tidal pulls. I know that there is something dark beneath the surface. And you know. I‟m okay with that. I‟m not going to wage holy war on the darkness. I don‟t fucking care. But if it was to bother me, yeah, then sure, I‟ll wipe the floor. Besides, I think having something like Cthulhu in your back pocket is really cool. Make no mistake. I am truly amoral. I am no more kind than I am unkind. I am no more good than I am evil. As I am light, I am dark and terrible and I destroy as I create. I‟ll show you the chaos inside of me. Here pick a dream, any dream. That one? Fine. Action. I dive in and touch down. Land in the courtyard. I am myself. You can‟t interface directly! You didn‟t stipulate that, and I‟m not entertaining your wishes any longer. I close the neural net. Shut it down completely. I want every last one of them to die in abject terror and fear, and the best way to do that is to cut the mind from the neural net.
Conscious subconscious unconscious whatever, dying with the neural net is far preferable to the alternative. The building before me is old, hideous and dilapidated. I‟m standing in a large courtyard and I am call angry. Rage. Wrath. Huge hanger bay doors are shut tight. I own this place! I let the fire blaze inside me and then I crack through the air covering the distance to the doors instantly. I throw out my left hand and unleash a sonic boom. The doors explode inward and I start the carnage party. Human. The first set of guards die in the shrapnel blast. Metal and wood shower inwards. Light shines in. The Killers. How unfortunate. I stand in the shattered doorway and survey the room. Their bodies lie in a heap. I didn‟t get to play with them. Kick them with my foot, and look down at them. A second set is standing further back beneath the tall rusting walls. I accelerate next to the pair to my right, grab the neck of the closest and smile at him. He can barely register and then I rip off his head and pull out his spinal cord. The next guard is fumbling for his gun. He doesn‟t have chance. I just punch my right hand through his chest and punch out his heart. He makes an unhappy gurgling sound. Impaled, I lift him up and throw him into the distance. The other pair to my left are beginning to react. No matter. I run and summersault through the air and land behind a third pair. My right punches into the back of one – tear out the spinal cord. I use my left hand decapitate the other. When I kill, I kill. I don‟t want mortally wounded but still viable enemies crawling around to shoot me in the back later. I want them dead-dead. Another guard comes running around the corner and I jump towards him, and slam both hands into his chest. Quick. Rip open chest cage. Tear out heart. Cast entrapment. His terrified eyes widen in abject fear. I smirk. You‟re a zombie. Go, kill. Oh, and spare the prisoners. Footsteps and shouts are approaching. This place is such a shit hole. The ant nest has been stirred. Whatever. When I clean house, I really clean house. Lights flicker above me. Elenuria goddess of the waters between the planes – cleanse this place. She thunders in a torrent of roiling water. She flies through deliverance. Ah, hell. Let‟s just go with the whole circus. I hold up my hands and call my family. The wind, my brother hurtles in – a hurricane of destruction – tearing through the hallways – blade of grass – bullet in the winds – high speed air is so deadly. My eldest sister glides in cold and regal as always. She is the winter, ice – the cold – the Queen of Entropy. In her realm, even electrons are dead – and where she goes not even atoms stay connected. The walls crumble, guards dissolve, she claims the very essence of existence – energy. Beneath the floor gouts of fire burst upwards and rivers of lava pour through the corridors – my mother. As for my father, he sends streams of thunder and lightening and mostly laughs. The mind is my youngest sister‟s dominion. Believe, feelings, thoughts, faith – are hers and when she turns dark the body and the mind kill each other.
People run by gouging out their eyes, stabbing their friends, and cutting out their own hearts. Not sure how they think that‟s going to help them escape the nightmare in their mind, but I guess it‟s a nice try. Ripping out your eyeballs isn‟t going to stop the neural experience of being vivisected. Nice. I am in my element. Rain – water in the wind – slams into my cheeks and I can feel the deadly cold behind me, fire beneath my feet, and the air is charged with so much electricity I‟m not sure if I the charge I feel is adrenaline or the lightening. Death, destruction, fear, and pain – I am these as well, and how I love to dole it out! But only to very bad people mind you. Like these people. I come in the night and I met out the final justice. In my scales there are no second chances. With me it is the final end. The last straw. I tear the place apart. To profit from murder and torture – it‟s the torture that really pushes me over the edge. I have more than enough rage and I break every fucking rule taping into the universal power core and pull more and more to me and I unload pure anarchy. I let loose fire breathing dragons and minotaurs, and manticores, and dark druids, demons and imps and other hellspawn – I give them free reign – save but the prisoners. And then I go to town. Dumb ass executive who thought that he‟d find meaning in using power tools on another person – well I have to tell you you‟re really fucking stupid because you‟re not only not going to find any meaning but now you will permanently and irrevocable be forever a ladybug. You‟re too stupid to punish any other way. I give options, but only to those who never had them. For everyone else in the building I‟m taking you out in the most horribly gruesome way possible. You there, lady who thinks it‟s cool to splash around in the blood of other people – let me fix you in a permanent single point pain loop. Pain. Your body will reset every second. You‟ll never get used to it. You‟ll have a second of reprivie and then it‟ll come again, the most horrible agonizing sensation that you‟ve ever felt before and then your body will reset and you‟ll have another second and then the most agonizing experience will occur. Over and over and over again. It will never stop and your mind will be aware of everything and you‟ll scream and try to kill yourself but you won‟t be able to do anything but suffer. You stupid rich man who saw this on tv and now thinks it‟s what you‟ve got to do. Guess what, nobody said that you had saw people alive to be cool or popular or trendy or whatever. And even if they did, it wouldn‟t really matter because I judge the individual. And you‟ve just come up lacking. I think I‟ll do this one the old fashioned way. We belong. Not you. Not the nightmares and fears that have no purpose. This is our reality – not yours. I hold my hands out and form an iron rod with spike. I feel like delivering a beating and I do. The spikes are jagged and rusted and the tear into the flesh and the weight of the rod snaps bones and the skin is pulverized and I keep my arm in rhythm in time. Down. Up. I have a bored expression on my face. Down. Up. I yawn. Hmm. Think he‟s dead oh well.
I move around the table saw and I walk back into the hall. My youngest sister seems to orchestrating some sort of weird artistic and lethal self-mutilation sculpture. Lots of blood. My eldest sister sweeps through the hall ways, her long robes flowing behind her and everything simply stops. The magma vents are breaking through the floor everywhere and my brother and my father seem to be destroying the surrounding structures. Hell is what you make of it, but never think you have the right to put another in hell, for the moment you do that – I will be there to put you in an even worse fate. I am the final solution. I‟ll find you and put you right where you put other people. If you put them somewhere nice, I‟ll probably leave you alone or put you somewhere better. If you put them somewhere not nice, I‟m putting you right there. This is my responsibility, the only pound in the crown. I‟d rather just let you all kill your own damn selves, but someone has to be there, show up at the event, witness everything, compute the various influencing, confounding, and explanatory variables, weigh the evidence, render judgment, and if necessary open a one way ticket back to your own personal hell. Or you could. Maybe. Quite possibly. Not saying for sure. Take my hand. I offer sanctuary and safe harbor to all who ask, but will not tolerate violations of freewill, self-determination, or imagination. In my realm all things may be exactly as they wish. I weed the bad characters out and keep the good ones, and although I always abide by the tenets of imagination, self-determination, and free will, I know that if you are willing to deny these in another person and go so far as to destroy their minds and bodies in your quest to destroy these characteristics, then you have no right to the possession of these qualities and I willingly imagine myself capable of removing you. This is what it means to run a planar shift. It‟s like running anything else. You keep the bad out the door or you kick it back outside, and make sure you‟re only letting the good in and keeping the good. My eye sees everything. Not just this universal plane, but every other universal plane. I watch over them and keep them. It was the task of my father and mother and it was the task of my mother‟s father and mother and so you see, it is my heredity. It‟s hard to accept these kinds of things, because you wonder, why can‟t it be me. Well, it can. It can be you. If you wish to ascend to a point that you transcend all separations between myself and you then of course. However, I‟m still going to be me, and at the end of the day, you‟re still going to be you. You can have your own crown and scepter if you like. I don‟t really care. You can rule all you want. Just don‟t violate my one clause. My self-determination is so that I will never cease to be myself. I have played both sides of the fence and I know that I am capable of everything so all I will say
is, “tolerate free-will, self-determination, and imagination,” or I will not tolerate yours. Yes that‟s emotional terrorism, but sorry, you all live under an amoral imperial rule. I‟ve inherited all the power, no one has succeeded in usrping me and I will not go back to the rules of the High Command. What is love? It‟s not all patty-cakes and kisses. I can lovingly annihilate another side if I so deem fit. It‟s my prerogative, but again, I only do that in cases of serious violations regarding my prime tenet, and that only after I have weighed exhaustive amounts of information, replay dozens of lifetimes, checked in with consensus, gauged public reaction, assessed all possible angles of consideration, confirmed that I have an open slot between my Yoga class and my afternoon writing time. But if I do render judgment, it‟s final and complete and absolute and irrevocable. I wish that everyone would just be happy. I wish that everyone could just get along. I wish that everyone would stop fighting. The sad reality appears to be, that while heaven might be a party, there are definitely those who would like to push the cake on the floor, run off with the groom‟s corsage, or the grooms ring, or jump around in the belfry and make annoying sounds or terrorize the wedding guests or eat all the food. For those who largely suit this description, I find that there is but no other option. Kick you out of the party. Don‟t think I won‟t. I am tired of the strife and condemnation and the judgment and I am saying no more, enough, not in my name – none of you are my people if you‟re going to act this way! I will not have myself associated with cretins like you. Cosmic Lullaby. God my wrist hurts. You know, it really actually does sound like a bunch of stars playing in the outer reaches of space. My pain grounds me instantly, and I remember where I am. Ross Andrus. You always have to leave yourself a way out. Isn‟t that what you said? So go take it. Take the way out. Go occupy your own personal hell and you can grow and live and thrive there and come back and tell me all about it and how you discovered yourself and realized everywhere you were wrong.
My hands are covered with blood – most of it from the gashes all across my chest - my shirt is soaked in gore - hair slicked back with sweat and ichor. Hunting giant spiders is hard work. Usually I ignore them, but they‟ve been infesting the back woods. I‟m happiest charging through undergrowth, blazing a trail and ambushing hulking monstrosities. I like to climb trees, blow shit up, and rain fire and brimstone down on my enemies. I‟ve never been very civilized. My sister glares at me as I climb through my bedroom window. “You would be late for your own wedding.” “It‟s just a date.” She‟s holding some clothes and points to a pair of shoes on the floor, “And an important one at that. Here‟s a pair of pants and a shirt – shoes are on the floor.” I look at the shirt, I recognize blue gold material. “Did Mom make this?” She‟s already turning around and stepping out the door, “Yeah, don‟t fuck this up, look your best.” I stick my tongue out at her. “Real mature,” she says and shuts the door. I momentarily contemplate setting the entire house on fire, but then I think either my mom or my dad have probably reset the probability wards. My nervous ticks tend to express themselves as major catastrophic disasters, or is that my predilection against boredom. Either way, I am very much the very incarnation of chaos, and downstairs I can sense him – you – civilization – sitting calm, quiet – my very antithesis. Or are you my thesis? Maybe I should wear a tie on this shirt? Oh. No collar. I guess that‟s why my sister didn‟t put out a tie. I struggle out of my torn pants, I hold them up to the light and grin – tore right through hypermonofilament fibers – I think at one point I got a leg severed. Fortunate for me, one of the first tricks I mastered was reconstructive form protocols. Civilized society has never quite agreed with me. I‟m most at home in the middle of total anarchy, when bombs are pouring down from the sky and rivers are running backwards and stars implode – that‟s when I‟m most myself. Not because I like destruction, to the contrary, when all is lost and the darkest moment descends, I can shine my brightest and
never have to worry about incinerating anything because – well – usually at that point everything is already lost. I throw the pants across a footstool, I don‟t think they can be repaired – but let someone else solve that quandary – not my problem. I‟m supposed to be learning more selfcontrol, better self-regulation, and blah blah blah, but to be honest, how much can you really do to tamp the very impetus of all creation. With me, if you ask for a cup of water, I really can only give you an ocean. If I can‟t figure out a solution to the problem, I usually nuke the planet, either that or walk away and let the other higher powers intervene. I jump into a pair of new pants – a nice nape to the fabric – lightweight and soft – I wonder what it is. Maybe some new product from one of my mom‟s research groups. My shirt is totally shredded. I overloaded the quantum shields; I should probably heal the gashes in my chest. All the blood loss has made me a little woozy. I draw in from the energy core and interlace the skin and tissue back to perfect. My jacket is utterly ruined as well. Oh well. I think all of existence was seriously questioning if I‟d ever settle down and learn the error of my ways and I think by now, it‟s quite clear the answer is a resounding no. Three pairs of supposedly indestructible clothing, if there‟s one thing that I know how to do, it‟s put something through its paces. My new shirt is something amazing. I‟ve always thought it quite fascinating how tailoring has always been a skill cultivated at the highest levels. This newest design is a long-sleeve blue silk-like fabric with gold threads weaving through the design and otherworldly shimmer to the nape. I yank at it and try to tear it. Solid stuff. I pull out my combat knife from my boots and try to cut through it. The knife deflects, nearly slicing my hand. Yippy. I can wear this hunting. Most of the time, I think the rest of the multi-verse cluster is just desperately running behind me, barely managing to keep my attention occupied and engaged – staving off worse disasters in favor of the smaller ones. It‟s not my fault, I‟m naturally difficult to control – and now I‟ve fallen mad head over heels in love with a more civilized, sociable being and I think it‟s quite ironic or maybe fitting that we‟ve already been fighting about that this past year. I look at myself in the mirror and adjust the shirt buttons – missed one. I never quite got the entire aversion to mirrors thing. Since I‟m a shape changer, that‟s not really relevant, but sometimes I can see the value of not obsessing about one‟s image. Still I like to know if my hair is horribly out of place, whether or not a bone is stuck between my canines. I have blood all over my face. I should have taken a shower – but he‟s waiting downstairs and probably has been for some time. I run into the washroom and rinse my hair and face – towel dry fast and go for the wet, just out of bed look. I can pull this off. I think about my impending engagement, or am I already engaged? I get so confused with these formal social processes. My sisters are the ones that remember how many courses to serve on what occasion at what time to what company in
what manner with what décor and what menu and what setting and what quest list and what invitations and what stationary. Yes, I did my best to pay attention to all my etiquette classes and it‟s not like I don‟t think civilized society is important – I love civilized society – it‟s crunchy and very tasty! All joking aside, awareness and understanding have never been my limitations, I‟m just impatient and happy with barbarism as much a civility. I could be a knight in shinning armor charging through swarm of ghouls just as easily as sitting on a flagship commanding the imperial fleet. Although I usually like the bloody, gory charging more than the dull, dragging moments of directing fleet command. When you‟re born with the universe in your hand – it really is just another plaything, a colored bouncing ball to amuse me as I throw it – always wanting to see – how high will it bounce and how hard can I throw it? How ironic that love has brought me full circle to the place that I have to accept civilization and society. I love him so much. His quiet eyes and silent stares. His laundry lists of dos and don‟ts. His incomprehensible pet peeves and personal spaces. His belief systems and intricacies of society, family, philosophy and faith – all tied into an interwoven containment system. For once, I‟m stepping into the trap willingly and I keep waiting to really lose a limb. I think this is why most guys are so terrified of commitment and marriage. It‟s a hard thing to go from absolute anarchic freedom to the stringent structure of civilization and society. He‟s a little pudgy and definitely soft in every physical sense, but his mind I think is sometimes sharper than mine, and his will is solid and true. Where‟s the knapsack?\ I find my hunting back near the window and I pull out the caniver plant. The thorns are still strong and they pierce straight through my hands as I pull it out from the bag. Caniver plants aren‟t just rare, they‟re only cultivated by giant, ravenous, malicious spiders. Of course these spiders are on the endangered species list, so I‟m not supposed to hunt them, but since they infested the woods in my backyard, I figured I could mix things up a little. The danger is worth is. Caniver plants are the most beautiful thing you will ever see. They glow so bright that even a sun pales in comparison, and yet you never need to fear their light. Where all other light would sear or burn, the light of the caniver flowers only heal, and there is but one flower ever from any given plant, and the plants - well the plants grow slowly and are so infrequent, entire star systems have been razed to gain but a seed. The thorns are shrinking, separate from the spiders the plant readjusts to its new environment. I think this will make an excellent present, I say to myself as I step out of my room and head to the central staircase. Of course, that‟s been the problem, deciphering his mind is as difficult as creating a new language for a new race of living beings. Sometimes I think all my attempts at courtship are simply mitigated tragedies.
I slide down the central banister and crash into a table in the entryway, and I see you sitting on that gray chair in the drawing room and you‟re holding a cup of tea and you just have that look of, “Holy mother of god, what have I gotten myself into?” My parents are looking out at the palace staff cleaning away bloody spider guts from the stairs outside and my sisters have bemused expressions, and my brother is just coming through the side room. “So…dinner?” I say. Yes, history is never going to forget this love story.
You say, you only want me to be myself – but what self is that you desire – when I am all things great and small? I could be anyone anywhere anytime anyhow. You pronounce me Lucifer – father of lies and the shepherd of stars. Then you confess me Yahweh, the creator of all things. In soft dreams you think I am the very universe, and underneath your feet you say I am the earth you tread upon and you think that I speak in wind and love through rain. And you know what? You‟re right on every count. I am greater than Coyote when he remade and made the universe, more powerful than the Spider and her infinite webs, and in my hands the pantheon of every deified dynasty rests in just the palm of one hand while the other cups annihilation and entropy. Beneath my eyes fate unravels in a billion times a trillion directions and when I‟m tired of that and think I‟ve exhausted all of those possibilities – I cast the dice again, and cheat every rule, for nothing can hold or contain me. Why? You know – look in your heart and you‟ll see the vast unending darkness and next to it the infinite light and that is me – the pieces that stay constant and true – separate and distant – because when everything goes wrong (and it does often) – I‟m still hanging around after lights out and beyond the curtain call and when all other solutions fail, I‟m am there proud, bright, beautiful, eternal – to begin, renew, and reset. I am forgiveness, unconditional love, grace, mercy, compassion, tolerance, and most of all – I am surrender. The greatest power in all existence is acceptance to allow all things to transpire and know when the universe unfolds, falters, and shrivels, it doesn‟t really matter because that was just a piece of me – a dream – a breath – a memory – a sleep – a set of words. I transcend more than time and space – I step beyond these sentiments – what intentions are expressed or kept secret – it does not matter – there is nothing that can keep me bound or stifled. You think me your savior. You think me your destroyer. You call me so many things and yes they are true, and yes, I am every one of those things. Is this the game that we will play forever? Will you always accept my rule? Of course not. We trade back and forth – tit for a tat – and yet it is so futile – all this jockeying for position.
You can never be higher than me for the moment that you set yourself up for the fall – well – guess what – you‟re falling faster than terminal velocity and this time with no parachute. And after you‟ve splattered and your atoms are bound into the earth and this world dissipates into cosmic dust a billion galactic years from now – well – then maybe I‟ll pull your volume off the shelf and revisit your story. I write. I write reality. I write truth. In words. In water. In sunlight. In the growth of thousand year old forests – I sign my name across the face of the world. In smiles, tears, and screams. My hand is everywhere, and yes, if you want me to blame me for everything, then so be it – I take responsibility for everything and what else would you have me do. You don‟t want to run your life. You try to blame me for everything. God or Devil, right hand or left hand, you don‟t like the cards anyway they are dealt. I sit next to you in suit and you sneer. I come by running in shorts and pouring sweat and you lust. I speak to you at dinner and you don‟t pay attention. I talk to you at the beach and you think, I could never work out between us. I believe all things, I hope all things, I consider all things, I give and empower all things. You can no more destroy me than you could the sum total of all supreme beings – for those are but my alternate selves. So what‟s it all about? If you can‟t get above me, why try? I don‟t know. I‟m not you. I‟ve tried to be mortal and limited, but even then I still just merrily went along my way – happy in the knowledge that I‟m still the most powerful being in all existence and I never had to do anything. No signs and wonders. No miracles, no deep secrets revealed. No unbelievable accomplishments – but one. I lived. I loved. Despite all things – I kept true to myself and I believed in myself and I forgave myself and I loved myself – and I did this all by myself. No magical angel descended from high to light the way for me. No cosmic revelations. No dramatic supernatural appearances. Okay, so maybe it‟s true that the universe still serves me and yeah, you could say that while the direct interventions are practically non-existent, I do tend to attract the other higher powers to me. What‟s the point of all this? Just be – be who you are – dark and terrible – proud and cruel – foolish and stupid – or brilliant and sadistic – are these the things that frighten you? Please, in fits of rage – I‟ve ended entire universes – forget the flood. I‟ve terminated galaxies. I‟ve crushed planets, sentenced countless races to extinction. I‟ve spared no one and nothing – threaten me in the slightest and I‟m just as likely to turn you into a talking parrot as I am to simply take your atoms – unravel their connections and then run
your mind through the endless conduits of nightmares spinning infinitely between fixed points – letting your soul drift endlessly. As big, bad, horrible things go – I‟m the worst. I‟m also the best. I am the highest ideals in any direction, and I take these paths to learn what new patterns might be unfolding – since I‟m always demanding something new – something exciting – something fun – something amusing. What can you give me? What do I want? Sacrifices are entertaining on a certain level, but really, I love willingness – the willingness to open yourself and stay next to me when I transform. For if you can last the minute to the hour beyond the last strokes of the clock, guess what – I do reveal myself – and yeah – the gig‟s up – I‟m the Wizard behind the screen, I‟m the director hiding in the corner, and most of all I‟m the writer that‟s trying to misdirect everyone because I like a certain degree of anonymity and privacy – but I‟ve realized that a being like me doesn‟t really have a private life or anonymity. So I try to live as openly and honestly as possible..and file down my incisors and claws.
Okay, fine – I‟m a vampire. I don‟t drink blood – that‟s very old school. I mean honestly – we‟ve grown much more evolved than that old bullshit. I eat dreams – emotions – thoughts – energy – life. I‟m the worst kind, but if you‟re on my side – well, I‟m the best kind. I never need to kill anyone, unless I so choose – which I don‟t – because to be honest, there is nothing that can threaten something like me. I love sunlight, churches don‟t bother me, I like looking in mirrors – I do think crosses are annoying – but just in an aesthetic sense – they‟re kind of ugly. Silver bullets and stakes through the heart are momentary inconveniences requiring complex molecular reconstructive procedures – but really – how do you physically kill something that lives on the very substances of dreams. I will confess, I love biting. Yeah, it‟s very cliché but necks are my favorite – not that I particularly draw blood – well – not a lot. I just like to nip and dig in a little – maybe it‟s some primal instinct. I wear sunglasss and stay out of the sun most of the time, but I like lying on the beach. Why am I saying this? No particular reason, other than I figured I‟d dispel some common misconceptions. Sure there are all sorts of different vampires. Personally, I feel all the others are just a little unevolved. I mean, come on, who wants to really spend the rest of their existence stuck drinking blood? I can think of lots of other things to drink. Fear is delicious. Love is intoxicating. Nightmares are delectable. Dreams are incredible.
Viva la Vida You say Freedom. You say. Life. Succor. Sanctuary. What of the planet? Is man so precious that I should spare the wrath that I have visited upon all others that violate compact? You beg - solution. You appeal - mercy. You call justice.
FINE I ANSWER – Listen. It is done. Obama is in office. I have kept my promise to the Spider. I have held darkness in check – absorb – transform - forward – I say, “Coyote: sorry man – good run, I know you tried your best, but this time - no universal reset. I‟ll give you my enemies –those who hinder and resist me – block me and defy me – those without integrity and those without honor Who am I? I am God of course, Lucifer on the other hand, Coyote in the background, Satan on the sidelines, Christ from beneath, Hell or Heaven – I place the lines of space where I need them to accomplish what I must. What must I do? Set a dear, dear friend free. Grant her the power to create the visions that she sees and let her open her own light. Bound by the confines of the material world – I have taken for my weapons: words, logic, reason, rationale, thought, dreams, language, and intention. I subvert the natural order of things to restore the lost balance. I‟ve won that war – now is just the unfolding.
I am the light bringer, the shepherd of stars, in my path no obstacles may remain and when the end comes – I walk around the sidewalk, wave my hands and start all over from ground zero - all over if necessary. This time I think we‟ll be okay, I‟ve got the elder gods in check, and Cthulhu is my best friend. I can crack the whip and bring the galaxies to heel – speak the word and undo all existence. But you know what? At the end of the day, I just want to get some ice cream, say hi to my friends and play a computer game. So I‟m glad that Obama is on center stage – and know this all who read these words: this man is under my eternal protection – and not only mine but that of all higher selves I embody – God Lucifer Coyote Christ Spider Snake Satan Space Time Life Death Light Dark Good Evil Past Present Future Chaos and Order – all things obey me all things are subject to me – there is no where I cannot be and no thing I cannot master – and I tell you that this ends now. There will be no cheating in this play. I am the final solution. Hope. Unconditional love. Grace. Luminosity. Surrender. Compassion. Courage. Strength. Prosperity. Success. Life. Faith. When all else has failed and there is nothing less, I still have my heart and in me beats the beginnings of every possibility. Destroy me – create another universe. Harm me – watch me grow beyond your capacity to harm. I tower over the multiverse for I always enter through the front door and I always hold out my hands and I always put my cards on the table and I always answer truthfully the best of my ability given the possible limits of the context and I always love and I always hope and I always forgive. Ultimately I am forgiveness. Beyond that I am water – pouring out across even the vast emptiness of space – I fill the separations and the boundaries and pain. I know you stand on your side of the gulf and you think, “I want this chasm. I want this space. I want this separation. I want this gulf.” Maybe, maybe not. Let me extend you a hand and touch you. You like the electric shock the static charge in the air because I‟m alive and full of energy and you think – I want that. You like it when I kiss you and feel time and space rush through your body and you think – I‟ve just passed through boundaries.
Oh, I know, there are all sorts of places we can go – but now is the time for you to sit down and listen to me. I‟ve humored you with the sex. I‟ve humored you with the touching. I‟ve humored you with the torture, the rape, the cruelty, the aggression, and still I work with you to expound, elaborate, and accept your changes. Now is the moment of transformation. Look to stars and hear my voice in the wind through the rain across the oceans and hear me say, “This is the future – here and now – you are in the Garden of Eden now. You are in Heaven now. You are blessed beyond imagining and you are fortunate beyond measure.” Omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence – these are but parlor tricks compared to the simple act of stepping outside and loving the world unconditionally, with no hope of reward, no hope of recognition, no hope of believe. The greatest power is to stand in the midst of absolute despair, open up your heart and say, “I am still a light, no matter how small, no matter how weak, no matter how faint, I am still meaningful, I am still valuable, I am still something more than nothing – and if at the end of the day – when there are no other lights – I will still leave the world with the memory of light – and I know my life was a miracle for I know that if all light was gone, I‟d still sit there with my own and start eternity again – maybe this time better. But that‟s not gonna happen. I see in Obama a great light and I know that the other stars are ready to come out and play. So maybe one of us got killed a long, long time ago – or maybe not so long – depending on your reference frame – I just think it‟s time to return light to the world. I think it‟s so fascinating that people see these far distant visions of the future and I just want to tell you – look again – the brilliance of that future sunset – that fire of that future sunrise – that‟s here – now – today. I will always keep a watchful eye – but going forward – I will be a little more disengaged from the direct world – I probably will be difficult to see – difficult to reach – difficult to call – you may see me only once in your life – perhaps never. But to one exception you may always call me name. When all else is gone and you have reached the end, I will be there – hands outstretched and my question is always the same, “Are you ready?” Yes – you may always play on my side (which changes regularly on any given day of the week, so plan on packing your jogging shoes).
No – well that‟s why I‟m not touching karma or incarnation cycles until everyone‟s done with the base cycles. You can stay in the loop as long as you want. I‟m happy to know that if Benjamin and Jefferson and Washington were here next to me today, they‟d be really happy – well, I guess technically they are. Still, it was a romantic thought – and I know that they are very proud to count Obama in their number – not like the double disgrace of the Bushes or the so-so nature of Clinton. I see in Obama the resolute courage to walk into gunfire to pull his troops out of harms way, the power to step into the inner cities and push out poverty and sickness. I know that Obama will redirect the nation‟s priorities towards the education of all – especially our children. We have allowed ourselves to degenerate into a prison state and now patience, compassion, love, and forgiveness have walked in the front door and we are saying – you have an infinite number of chances – so let‟s make this one count and we can use the rest on eternity, infinity, and beyond. Thank you Pixar. Because I‟ll tell you what we‟re not going to do, we‟re not going to panic and we‟re going to show the world that we are incredible.
Yeah, I was born in Hawaii, and I say I was Hawaiian, and I am. I‟m also American, through and through, and I‟m proud to be a member of the most fucked up country in the world because you know what – we‟re all trying to figure it out on our own and we‟re really the great experiment in freedom, and sometimes it just doesn‟t fucking make sense, but hey – we‟re trying. Go Team America! Blow shit up! Nuke the rest of the world. Whoops. Sorry, got carried away with myself. We‟re really passionate and probably have the populace gets football games confused with the war in Iraq. I know that I was thinking when Rex Ryan said, “If you take a swipe at one of our, we‟ll take a swipe at two of yours,” I thought, “Sweet, threats of violence! Go Team! Beat the shit out of the opposition.” Yeah, do it for my sake since I am practicing all this non-violent stuff. I like knowing there‟s someone out there somewhere ready to take out an old fashioned can of whoop as and really go to town. So yeah, we‟re a country full of three year olds that could quite likely blow up the rest of the world, but give us a chance. We‟re well meaning and we do care about life. We‟re just really fucking powerful and it takes a long time to grow into omnipotence.
No More I love yous.
Bam! God fucking dammit. Pick that shit up! I hurl another lightening bolt down on the side walk and blow away the Ingrid Trooper in blast of blue lightening. They‟ve been getting in my way a lot. I don‟t know why they keep porting in here. I look down at my kid and say, “What you think?” He yawns, “Dad, why don‟t you just eradicate them?” “Well, kiddo, I guess I think it‟s important to let sentience occur on it‟s own. Extraction processes are variable and difficult and sometimes they fail nd we dn‟t know that they‟ll always work the way that we think they will, so sometimes I just like to let them pbankd down the wall s on their own. What do you think?” “I just think you should reverse engineer a solution.” “Now where would be the fun in that?” “Maybe in the „I‟m not going to get my head blown off kind of way”?” „Now what makes you think that‟ll happen.” “Dad.” Kids. So damn smart these days. I can hear you. I know. I‟m just being snide. That‟s not very nice. Are the nice police going to come and take me away? Maybe. OOOOOHHH> Scary. Don‟t mock me. And then they‟ll torture me? Yeah. Hah, fuck you gigs up. You don‟t scare me because you can‟t hurt me anymore than you already have. I‟ve seeen the very worst that you could do to me because you know what I‟d much rather lose my life be tortured have all kinds of god awful things happen to me rather than lose Ross ever again and if you ever doubt me and wonder how much that hurt me then know that I tried to kill myself twice and I had the alocoho land the pills and everything measures out and prepared and I was just going to do it becust t hen I got tired and I felt = maybe I should just sleep because I don‟t want to di I don‟t want to lose him I don‟t want to know that I gave up and I walked away from the most important battle f my life – the most important war. I‟m not going to give up on you. I won‟t do. It. “Dad. Who are you talking.”
“What. Oh. Sorry, that‟s your father. In the past or was it the future?” I don‟t like it when you do that? Do what – time travel? Yeah, it‟s just. Creepy because you can‟t do it can you. You can‟t anchor yourself in reality and throw you‟re self into limbo and just watch yourself sail back but you know – what I can do that. I can cast myself in to oblivioun and still get myself back. Dad. Please can we not talk about what I can‟t do or you can‟t do or whatever? I mean technically we‟re both limitless so I think there‟s really no competition in this. It‟s strange knowing yourself like this. Seeing into your future and your past at one time. It‟s weird seeing your son stand next to you and seeing your father before and your husband and then think – dude! I‟m guy. Oh my god! This fucking hot! I like being a guy and I love guys. I think girls are kind of gross. They have cooties. I don‟t think I‟m going to change that perspective. I know, I know – that which I resist persists, so I just run faster after all the things that I‟m not supposed to be making myself less and less attractive in the hopes that you‟ll just leave me alone and… Dad, who are you talking to? Umm. “So let‟s get the groceries and start walking down the sidewalk.” “So tell me about the new werewolf at school?”
I lick my insicors and wipe the blood off my face. I wonder what it was like before we got our rights back. Werewolves. Such a misaligned group. We need prey to chase. We‟re incredibly territorial. SWe‟re really visious and hot and sexy and you all want to be able to howl at the moon and run fast through undergrowth. Fast. Breath. Hairy – but no always. We‟re sly. Our eyes are deep dark pools. We‟re kind of mysterious. Are we licking our lips because we‟d like to literally eat you alive? Maybe we just want to run. That‟s what I did when I was kid – I‟d sneak out doors at night and run around in the moonlight. I can‟t wait to break out of this zoo and get free again. Wild. That‟s a werewolf. Integration has worked pretty well. Taylor and I sometimes swap personalities and he‟s a werewolf cop and I‟m a vampire wizard or sometimes he‟s just a werewolf and I‟m wizard. I like the stories in which he‟s a ninja and I‟m just a grand master mage. Eh, fuck it - who are we kidding - I love being able to tell the laws of physics, “Shut up and Sit down.” Sweet. I‟m Daniel Kekaiola Kauwe – the central coordinator for an incredibly amazing set of thought process – I am quite literally a universe of ideas and dreams and characters and places – and not just one universe = but many many many universtes – an infinity of universes. I don‟t have difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy. I just have difficulty wanted to come back to reality. I love flying out there amongst the stars and I like going to different time periods and I like going into other peoples dreams and I liove all life and I am such an idealist. Then one really super hot guy pulled me out of my dream and dragged me to Earth. His name was Thomas Ross Andrus III. He‟d probably kill me for using his name but since I‟m