Document Sample
THE ART OF Powered By Docstoc

                                         3 August 2005

            Professor John Barkai

               William S. Richardson School of Law
                   University of Hawaii at Manoa

         2515 Dole Street · Honolulu, Hawaii 96822
         Phone (808) 956-6546 · Fax (808) 956-5569
           Web Page:

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School   Page 1 -
                Communication for
                Conflict Resolution
Self Talk

Building Rapport

Defusing Attack:
   - Verbal Self-Defense
   - Tongue Fu

Understanding and Working with Differences

         Accomplishing Your Goals through

         Seeking Solutions for Others through
         Mediation & Facilitation

Communicating Across Cultures

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School   Page 2 -
The 3 P's of SELF TALK

1. Personal ("I")

2. Present tense ("am")

3. Positive ("confident")
   not negative imagery (eg.
   "not afraid").

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School   Page 3 -
      Common Forms
   of Dispute Resolution
                                                discussion for the purpose of settling

                                                a neutral third party assists the parties
                                                to reach a negotiated settlement but has
                                                no power to decide the issues in

                                                a neutral third party is given the power
                                                to decide the issues in conflict. The
                                                arbitrator decides after hearing
                                                arguments and reviewing evidence.

Trial in Court:
                                                evidence is presented to a judge or jury
                                                for a decision under formal rules of law
                                                and procedure.

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                           Page 4 -

         Competitive negotiators want to "beat" their opponents; they use high demands, threats, and
         make few concessions. They generally try to undermine their opponent's confidence and seek
         the maximum for themselves. This traditional style of negotiating goes by a number of different
         terms such as positional, win-lose, adversarial, power negotiating, hardball, and hard bargaining.


         Cooperative negotiators want to "work with" their opponents; they use reasonable opening
         offers, show good faith, and initiate the exchange of mutual concessions. They seek a fair and
         just settlement. This style of negotiating is also called win-win, interest-based bargaining, and
         problem solving.


         In distributive bargaining the parties think of the items being negotiated as fixed and each party
         tries to get the most for himself. Usually there is just one issue for negotiation and more for me
         means less for you. Negotiators are bargaining over the distribution of profit on the bargaining
         range. This is a "zero sum" negotiation. Although the goals of the parties are in direct conflict,
         a negotiator can be either competitive or cooperative in a distributive bargaining situation.


         During integrative bargaining, the parties are working together to increase the amount of
         resources and to maximize mutual gain. Integrative bargaining requires two or more issues so
         that trades can be made. Creating the additional resources is sometimes referred to as
         "expanding the pie." Some would call this "Win-Win" negotiating. The theory here is that the
         parties have different interests which can be integrated (reconciled) to create joint gains. Joint
         gains are an improvement for all parties to a negotiation.


         Interest-based bargaining attempts to shift the nature of negotiations to a more collaborative
         basis. Instead of moving from position to counter-position to compromise, negotiators try to
         identify their interests PRIOR to the development of solutions. Once interests are identified, the
         negotiators then jointly develop a wide-ranging set of alternatives, and then choose the best

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                                            Page 5 -

         Positions are "what" the negotiators say they want. They are really solutions which have been
         proposed by the negotiators. Positions are based upon the interests of the parties; interests are
         usually not disclosed, at least not in competitive negotiations. In most negotiations people take,
         and then give up, a series of positions. Behind every position lie many interests.


         Interests are "why" the negotiators want the positions they take. Interests lie behind the
         positions of the negotiators. Interests represent the basic needs to be met. Money and price are
         not interests in themselves. Money represents purchasing power, the ability to acquire other
         needs, status, or power itself. Understanding interests is the key to understanding "win-win"
         negotiating. In many negotiations the interests are never explicitly discussed. In fact, interests
         are usually kept secret. Successful "win-win" negotiating requires finding a way to disclose
         interests without being taken advantage of.


         BATNA stands for the Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. It represents the best result
         that a negotiator can get somewhere else if an agreement cannot be reached with this party. In
         other words, a BATNA is the alternative that the party will select if they must walk away from
         this negotiation. It is an alternative solution. If the negotiation is a DEAL, the BATNA is to
         walk away to another party who can offer you a better deal. If, however, the negotiation is over
         a law suit, your BATNA is to go to court.


         The bottom line is the position at which the negotiator will walk away from the negotiation. It
         is also known as a reservation price. If the negotiator cannot get at least their bottom line in
         the negotiation, they will go somewhere else.


         The Zone of Agreement represents the difference between the bottom lines of the parties. If
         there is no overlap in the bottom lines of the parties, no agreement is possible.

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                                           Page 6 -
       The easiest way to improve
       your negotiation skills is to


Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School   Page 7 -
           Two Key Ideas
         about Negotiation &

1) Focus on

2) Improve the

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School   Page 8 -
                          Basic Principles from Getting To Yes
                                          by Roger Fisher & William Ury

                                      (additional comments by John Barkai)

             Don't attack or blame the other negotiator; attack the problem which you
             are negotiating. Allow the other negotiator to save "face." Try to reduce
             the emotional temperature of the situation and to build a good working
             relationship. Allow emotions to be expressed without taking it personally
             (although this is difficult). Good communication is essential. Ask lots of
             questions, especially open-end and clarifying questions. Use active

             Positions are "what" negotiators want; "interests" are why they want them.
              Ask questions to try to learn their interests. Get into shoes of the other
             negotiator. Although problem-solving negotiators may be willing to
             disclose their interests, be aware that competitive negotiators will try to
             learn your interests, but they will not disclose their own interests.
             Remember that not all interests are tangible. Many undisclosed and
             unconscious personal needs (Maslow) come to play in negotiations.
             Settlements can result from both common and conflicting interests.

              Most negotiators take only one negotiation position at a time, but this
              approach suggests brainstorming many options and maybe even putting
              them all on the table at once. Generate a variety of options before
              deciding what to do. Some people would say to enlarge pie before cutting

               Instead of allowing the negotiation to be determined by a contest of wills
               or power, negotiators can select one of more objective criteria which can
               be used to determine the final settlement, e.g., an independent appraisal.

             (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement)
             Most people think about a "bottom line" in a negotiation, but seldom do
             they think about what they will do if they do not reach settlement. Your
             BATNA is what you will have to do if you do not reach agreement. One
             way to improve your power in a negotiation is to work on ways of
             improving your BATNA. A BATNA is your "Walk-a-way" alternative. Plan
             in advance what you will do if the negotiation does not reach a settlement.

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                          Page 9 -
                                        GETTING PAST NO
                                       Basic Principles from the book
                                               by William Ury

        Whether you are negotiating with a hostage-taker, your boss, or your teenager,
the basic principles remain the same. In summary, the five steps of what the author
calls "breakthrough negotiation" are:

1.     Go to the Balcony. The first step is to control your own behavior. When your
opponent says no or launches an attack, you may be stunned into giving in or
counterattacking. So, suspend your reaction by naming the game. Then buy yourself
time to think. Use the time to figure out your interests and your BATNA. Throughout
the negotiation, keep your eyes on the prize. Instead of getting mad or getting even,
focus on getting what you want. In short, go to the balcony.

2.     Step to Their Side. Before you can negotiate, you must create a favorable
climate. You need to defuse your opponent's anger, fear, and suspicions. He expects
you to attack or to resist. So do the opposite: Listen to him, acknowledge his point,
and agree with him wherever you can. Acknowledge his authority and competence,
too. Disarm him by stepping to his side.

3.       Don't Reject . . . Reframe. The next step is to change the game. Instead of
rejecting your opponent's position--which usually only reinforces it--direct his attention
to the problem of meeting each side's interests. Take whatever he says and reframe it
as an attempt to deal with the problem. Ask problem-solving questions, such as "Why
is it that you want that?" or "What would you do if you were in my shoes?" or "What if
we were to . . . ?" Rather than trying to teach him yourself, let the problem be his
teacher. Reframe his tactics, too: Go around stone walls, deflect attacks, and expose
tricks. To change the game, change the frame.

4. Build Them a Golden Bridge. At last you're ready to negotiate. Your opponent,
however, may stall, not yet convinced of the benefits of agreement. You may be
tempted to push and insist, but this will probably lead him to harden and resist. Instead,
do the opposite--draw him in the direction you would like him to go. Think of yourself as
a mediator. Involve him in the process, incorporating his ideas. Try to identify and
satisfy his unmet interests, particularly his basic human needs. Help him save face and
make the outcome appear as a victory for him. Go slow to go fast. In sum, make it
easy for him to say yes by building him a golden bridge.

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                           Page 10 -
5.     Bring Them to Their Senses, Not Their Knees. If your opponent still resists and
thinks he can win without negotiating, you must educate him to the contrary. You must
make it hard form him to say no. You could use threats and force, but these often
backfire; if you push him into a corner, he will likely lash out, throwing even more
resources into the fight against you. Instead, educate him about the costs of not
agreeing. Ask reality-testing questions, warn rather than threaten, and demonstrate
your BATNA. Use it only if necessary and minimize his resistance by exercising
restraint and reassuring him that your goal is mutual satisfaction, not victory. Make
sure he knows the golden bridge is always open. In short, use power to bring him to his
senses, not his knees.

       The breakthrough strategy requires you to resist normal human temptations and
do the opposite of what you usually feel like doing. It requires you to suspend your
reaction when you feel like striking back, to listen when you feel like talking back, to ask
questions when you feel like telling your opponent the answers, to bridge your
differences when you feel like pushing for your way, and to educate when you feel like

       At every turn the strategy calls on you to choose the path of indirection. You
break through by going around your opponent's resistance, approaching him from the
side, acting contrary to his expectations. The theme throughout the strategy is to treat
your opponent with respect--not as an object to be pushed, but as a person to be
persuaded. Rather than trying to change his mind by direct pressure, you change the
environment in which he makes decisions. You let him draw his own conclusions and
make his own choice. Your goal is not to win over him but to win him over.

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                             Page 11 -
        Strategies for Integrative Bargaining
         Facts: A married couple are trying to decide where to spend their two-week vacation. He wants to go
         to the mountains; she wants to go to the seashore.

         1.        Expanding the Pie.
                   Increasing the resources to be bargained for. If the resources can be increased then perhaps
                   both sides can get what they want.
                           Example: Get four weeks vacation and spend two at the mountains and two at the

         2.        Nonspecific Compensation.
                   One side gets their objectives and the other side is paid off for accommodating the other's
                            Example: W tells H that if he goes to the seashore, she will buy him a new set of golf

         3.        Logrolling.
                   If two or more issues are in disputes, the negotiators may be able to do a series of trade-offs.
                   One side gets their top priority on the first issue and the other side gets their top priority on
                   the second issue.
                           Example: H wanted an inexpensive cabin; W wanted a luxury hotel. If W prefers quality
                   of accommodations to the place, a luxury hotel in the mountains might meet both their needs.

         4.        Cost Cutting.
                   One side gets their objectives and the other's sides costs are reduced by going along with the
                   first side.
                             Example: H likes a quiet, peaceful vacation; W likes the beach because of all the activity.
                    An inexpensive place on a isolated beach may fit the needs of both.

         5.        Bridging.
                   The parties are able to invent new options that meet each side's needs and interests.
                          Example: H really wants to hunt and fish; W want to swim, shop, and enjoy the nightlife.
                    Maybe they can find a resort that has all of these.

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                                               Page 12 -
                          POWER - RIGHTS - INTERESTS
                                THREE WAYS TO RESOLVE DISPUTES:


                            Determine who has more power.

                            Examples: Competitive negotiations & strikes.


                            Determine who is right.

                            Examples: Go to court or arbitration.


                            Reconcile underlying interests of both parties.

                            Examples: Interest-based negotiations or mediation.

                                     New ideas about resolving conflicts:

         Focusing on INTERESTS is better than focusing on RIGHTS,


         Focusing on RIGHTS is better than focusing on POWER.

       The goal is to encourage people to resolve their differences by reconciling their
interests, and if that is not possible, then to use low-cost methods to determine rights.

      The recent "win-win" negotiation advice suggests replacing traditional "hard
bargaining" over rigid positions, in which the focus is on power, with problem-solving
negotiation, in which the focus is on creatively reconciling interests.

      New alternative dispute resolution (ADR) methods are aimed at replacing rights-
based procedures (such as litigation) with interests-based procedures (such as win-win
negotiation and problem-solving).

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                           Page 13 -
                                                             NEGOTIATION PLANNING CHART
                                                              (Fill in the blocks with information you know.)

                 PEOPLE               RELATIONSHIP                     ISSUES                        POSITIONS                            INTERESTS        OPTIONS
          Who:                     Past:                      1.                          When to disclose?                  1.                       1.


                                                              2.                                                             2.                       2.
                                                                                          First Fallback:
          Negotiation                                         3.                                                             3.                       3.

                                                              4.                                                             4.                       4.

                                                                                          Ways to improve:

          Who:                     Past:                      1.                          Estimated Initial:                 Estimated:

          Negotiation              Current:                   2.                          Estimated Bottomline:
                                                              3.                          Estimated BATNA:

                                   Desired:                   4.

 Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                                                       Page 14 -


                                              Take time out.

                                 Remember your BATNA!

                                       Get another opinion.

                            Ask "how" they will negotiate.

               If they don't know what "win-win" means,
                   they won't be negotiating that way.

                           Avoid multiple concessions
                            if your concessions are
                       not matched by their concessions.

                           Recognize "dirty tricks"
                     and comment on them immediately.

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School        Page 15 -
                   Think in terms of interests

                   Classify the type of negotiation:

                            Deal or Dispute

                            Distributional or Integrative

                   Expand the pie

                   Use a planning chart

                   Investigate the opposing negotiator

                   Consider both strategy and tactics

                   Set high goals for yourself

                   Practice before you negotiate

                   Determine your BATNA

                   Ask lots of questions

                   Separate the people from the problem

                   Generate alternatives by brainstorming

                   Frame your proposals as a gain to them

                   Flinch when you hear a high demand

                   Protect your facts when necessary

                   Be willing to make concessions, but only if they do too

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                    Page 16 -
                                                            A Film

           Brainstorming            Preliminary meeting to discuss a wide range of ideas & to discuss strategies and
                                    tactics. List ideas without evaluating them.
           Blanketing               Ask for everything at once.
           Bracketing               Narrow opponent down to determine what they really will take.
           Intimidation             Dominating. Playing top dog.
           Undermining              Put opponent on the defensive. (Dig underneath)
           Surprise                 Change in approach. Show you have information the other side does not expect.
                                    Present new proposals or demands. Emotional outburst.
           Feinting                 Pretending. Lying. A false show to catch the opponent off guard. Give the impression
                                    you want one thing when you really want another.
           Salami                   Taking something bit-by-bit (one slice at a time) rather than the whole thing. A small
                                    concession asked for at the end of a negotiation is called a "nibble."
           Forbearance              To postpone for a period of time. Take time out. "Let's take a break."
           Deadline                 Knowing your opponent's time limit allows you to put pressure on them. Set a time
                                    limit. Push your opponent to make a decision by a certain time limit.
           Good Guy, Bad            One person acts tough, a second person acts nice - hoping to induce a concession.
           Limited Authority        Claim of not enough authority to be able to approve the deal on the terms presented.
           Fait Accompli            An accomplished fact. The thing is already done so argument is useless.
           Silence                  By using silence, you hope the other side will speak (to their disadvantage).
           Apparent                 Make opponent think you are unwilling to discuss the issue further. The goal is to get
           Withdrawal               them to reduce or give up their demand.
           Reversal                 Speaking from the viewpoint of your opponent and incorporating their interests, you
                                    make it sound like your opponent has gotten a good deal from you. Also means to act
                                    in a different way than expected.

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                                                    Page 17 -
                            TO IMPROVE YOUR NEGOTIATIONS:

                   Think in terms of interests

                   Classify the type of negotiation:

                            Deal or Dispute

                            Distributional or Integrative

                   Expand the pie

                   Use a planning chart

                   Investigate the opposing negotiator

                   Consider both strategy and tactics

                   Set high goals for yourself

                   Practice before you negotiate

                   Determine your BATNA

                   Ask lots of questions

                   Separate the people from the problem

                   Generate alternatives by brainstorming

                   Frame your proposals as a gain to them

                   Flinch when you hear a high demand

                   Protect your facts when necessary

                   Be willing to make concessions, but only if they do too

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                    Page 18 -
                         QUOTATIONS ABOUT
Conflict is inevitable. Accept it as a given.

Conflicts settle in time.

All polishing is achieved by friction. - Mary Parker Follett

If it doesn't make sense, you probably don't have all the facts.

Find ways to express differences without provoking contention.

Truth is found usually in the middle.

We should learn from the mistakes of others. We don't have time to make them all ourselves.
                                                                               - Groucho Marx

Anger is one letter short of danger.                                                 - Anonymous

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.
                                                                               - Chinese Proverb

It is often better not to see an insult than to avenge it.                                - Seneca

Your most effective negotiation tool is a good question.

Have a good sense of your our priorities and be willing to accept that other people order their
priorities differently. That's why they make shirts in different colors.

Negotiating contracts is like playing poker - you gamble.
                                   - Leo Reed, Teamsters' Negotiator on the Baywatch negotiation.

"Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to
them how the nominal winner is often a real loser: in fees, expenses and waste of time. As a
peacemaker the lawyer as a superior opportunity of being a good person.
                                                                                    - Abe Lincoln

What's mine is mine, what 's yours is negotiable.

Never negotiate with strangers.

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                                   Page 19 -
We are not in charge of what happens in the world; we are in charge of how we respond to what

It's always like this kid. Two guys make a deal. They always know something, the other guy
doesn't.                                                     -From L.A. Times, by Stuart Woods

It is a luxury to be understood.                                            - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

You can't reason someone out of something they weren't reasoned into.               - Jonathan Swift

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
                                                                - Jane Wagner and Lily Tomlin

There's not a lot of traffic on the extra mile.

Anyone who doesn't think there are two sides to an argument is probably in one.
                                                                        - Sam Horn, Tongue Fu.

I never saw an instance of one or two disputants convincing the other by argument.
                                                                              - Thomas Jefferson

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Patience is never more important than when you're on the verge of losing it.

It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.                - Franklin D. Roosevelt

To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.                       - Will Durant

I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.                                   - Calvin Coolidge

The greatest remedy for anger is delay.                                                      - Seneca

Our task is not to fix the blame for the past, but to fix the course for the future. - John F. Kennedy

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.                          - Dale Carnegie

Sticks and stone can break my bones, but words can break my heart.                 - Robert Fulghum

You can't build a relationship with a hammer.                                          - Anonymous

Of course I'm yelling. That's because I'm wrong.                                     - Leslie Charles

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                                    Page 20 -
Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.                      - Auguste Rodin

A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.                       - Anonymous

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.                              - Anais Nin

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. - Abraham Maslow

Most anger is a cry for attention.

Conversation in the United States is a competitive exercise in which the first person to draw a
breath is considered the listener.                                                  - Nathan Miller

If you are not listening, you are not learning.                           - Lyndon Baines Johnson

If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else.                     - Booker T. Washington

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.     - David Russell

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                                  Page 21 -
                                        NEGOTIATION GAMBITS
                                    Created by Students in Prior Classes

To make the first offer:

Well, this is how I see it...
Let me tell you what I had in mind.
Why don't we start at...
This is what X would like; what is your position?
After serious contemplation, I have come to this conclusion...
Would you be willing to try this?
Are you open to discussing serious offers?
Would you be open to accepting an offer at this meeting?
I think________is a good offer. What do you think?
If I could offer you______________, what could you offer me?
To get the ball rolling, we think X could offer...
(In your best Brando) I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.
I just want to get this resolved, so what if...
If this went to court it would cost us both a great deal of time and money; therefore...
Let's get down to it. What if ....

As a negotiator, when I want them to make the first offer:

We'd like to get this resolved today. What do you need?
How do you see this?
What do you think?
Look, tell me what you need and I'll tell you if we can work something out.
Why don't we just lay our cards out on the table so that we can start sorting out the
       details. Go ahead?, tell me what you want.
How much are you asking?
What will it take to get you to do____________?
What is your range?
What is your bottom line?
What do you think is a fair proposal?
What are you willing to do to resolve this dispute?
What is your solution?
Could you tell me what you need?
What would it take to preserve this relationship?
What do you think we should do?
Why don't you start us off in the right direction?
Could you fill me in on what you're willing to do here.
What would it take to close this deal right now?
What kind of figure would get you interested?
What is a reasonable starting figure for us today?
To get the ball rolling, how about giving me a ballpark figure?
(In your best Brando) Make me an offer I can't refuse.
Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                           Page 22 -
I'm open to suggestions.
What do you truly want?
What are you interested in?

As a negotiator, to offer a concession:
We would be willing to pay X for Y.
What do you think of this?
What if I were to ....
I would like to offer a concession.
Does this meet your needs?
In an effort to show good faith, we are willing to…
Well, I think we can accommodate you there.
Perhaps we could provide…
Maybe this could work for both of us.
We can probably do something along those lines.
Because I want to see this thing work, I'll..
I am willing to ...
Although we feel we deserve X, we can live with Y.
If I were to agree to that, what would you be willing to do in return?
To get this going, I'll be flexible on this.
I really don't normally do this, but...
Would this solve our problems?
Because you are ..., I'll do this.

As a negotiator, to ask for a concession:

Can you do better than that?
We would agree to X, if you would do…l
How much are you willing to come down?
Is that your best offer?
Will you take X for it?
I can’t go any higher than X.
What can you do?
We’re going to need something more than that.
What is your side willing to do?
Can you do anything to meet us halfway?
Please, would you consider making any concessions.
Now, I know that you must concede at least something.
You have to give to get. What are you willing to give?

As a negotiator, dumb is smart:

I don’t know much about this, but I was told that…
You probably know more about this than I do but…
Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                Page 23 -
I may be wrong, but my understanding is that…
I’m not really sure about this, and maybe you could explain it to me, but…
Okay, I’m trying to make sure I understand…can you explain that again?
I ‘m sorry , but I really don’t think I caught the gist of this proposal. Could you run
       through it again, but in more detail for me?
I’m not sure I understand. How does your solution make it better for both of us?

As a negotiator, when you want to delay decision:

I’m sorry, but I’ll have to give that more thought.
Let me get back to you on that matter.
I’ll have to check on that.
I’m not ready to go that far.
Why don’t we address that later.
I have an idea of what I want. However, I’d like to hear your offer first.
Before I provide you with that information, can you tell me how much this whole thing is
        worth to you?
That’s a question I’m not yet prepared to answer.
Perhaps if you provide me with information as to what your interests are, we may be
        able to find an appropriate figure.
I’m going to have to digest this material a little longer. Do you mind if we break until
        after lunch?
Let’s go over this proposal one more time later. I really want to give it the attention it
Let me get back to you on that.
Can I have a couple of days to think about it?
Let me discuss it with my supervisor before I give you a solid answer.
I need to talk it over with my supervisor, but it sounds good.
Let me sleep on it before I decide.
The approval will take a couple of days. I’ll be in touch.
I’m late for an appointment, let me get back to you when I return.
I like what I’m hearing so far, but I need to have my accountants / engineers / etc. take
        a look at it.
Can we make our final decision on __________? That’s when everyone will have had a
        chance to look at the project / offer more thoroughly.
Now is not a good time because (excuse), how about we discuss it on___________?
Can you get me more information / details before I decide?

As a negotiator, use active listening tools:

I’m picking up that…
As I get it, you felt…
If I’m hearing you correctly…
So, as you see it…
Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School                             Page 24 -
I’m not sure I’m getting you, but…
So you feel that…
It sounds as if you are concerned about…
How do you feel about this situation?
How did you come to that conclusion?
If you were doing things over again, what would you do differently?
What do you mean by that?
Why is that important to you?
Tell me more about that.
What happened next?
What I am hearing is…is that right?:
Before you go on, do you mean_?
Will you give some examples of what you mean?
I’m not sure I followed that. Could you explain it to me again?
Do you mean that…?
That is interesting, but why ______?

You want to probe for underlying interests:

What do you think is important?
Why do you think that happened?
Why is that important to you?
What exactly are you after?
You say that bothers you. Why does that bother you?
In other words, your point is_______.
What are your other concerns?
Are there issues other than what you have already told me?
What were you trying to accomplish when you did________?
That’s interesting; tell me more.
Why are you opposed to that idea?
How will what you are asking for, meet your needs?
____________seems to be very important to you. Could you explain why?
I sense that there might be something else.
So, how do you feel personally?
How does this sit with you?
What is your opinion?
Can you live with this?
Have you thought through the consequences?
What do you expect by the end of this negotiation?
Can you tell me why you feel that way?
Can you tell me why you think that is more important than_____?
What would be most satisfactory to you, and why?
How do you think I, as a mediator, can help you and your situation?
What are your goals?
       Are there other things we should consider?
Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School               Page 25 -

Shared By: