Anger Management and Conflict Resolution

Document Sample
Anger Management and Conflict Resolution Powered By Docstoc
					                              By: Khalid Iqbal

This presentation is copy write material not to be copied or used without prior written consent.
Topics
1.    Why anger management? Who needs it?
2.    Islamic Definition – What Quran and Sunnah of Prophet
      Mohammad say about Anger
3.    Stress and Resentment
4.    Who are the Victims of Your Anger?
5.    Empathy
6.    Self Talk
7.    Communications: Assertive not Aggressive
8.    Expectations
9.    Step Back – Take a Moment - Think
10.   Quranic Solutions to Anger
11.   Win/Win approach
     Prophet Mohammad Said –
         Control your Anger
                   ‫ان رجال قال للنبي ـصلى هللا عليه وسلم‬‎
                                   ‫اوصني‬
                               ‫قال ال تغضب ـ‬
                       ‫فردد مراراـ قال ـ ال تغضب‬

A young man asked Rasool Allah (SWS) for advice and he (SWS)
replied “Don’t get angry” (Control your anger) and he asked again
       what next and he responded again “Don’t get angry”
   In another hadeet it s narrated that a Bedouin came to the Holy Prophet
   Muhammad (saw) and said: "I live in the desert; hence, please give me a
comprehensive but short advice." The Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: "I
 advice you not to be angry." As the Bedouin repeated the same request three
 times, the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) repeated the answer three times.
The Bedouin commented: "I will not ask you for anything any more. Certainly,
       the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) has instructed me the best."
       Prophet Mohammad (saw)
           Describe Anger as:
Anger is a destructive fire!
Rasool Allah said: “Anger is like a burning coal ...”

In another hadeeth He (saw) said: "Anger corrupts
faith in the same way that vinegar destroys honey.“

Anger is like a match stick, A big head on a thin stick
but NO brain. It burns itself to destruction and all
that comes in contact with it.
Anger and its Negative Effect on us
    Scholars say that anger is a secret weapon that often
    effect negatively many noble qualities of human
    being:
 It snatches away the wisdom of human being and the person begin to show animal
    like behavior.
   Anger is a sign of arrogance and Pride
   Anger is a temptation and deception of Shaitân.
   Anger is the root of many evils
   Anger weakens the person's Imân (faith) because of his/her irrational and
    sometimes violent behavior.
   Anger prompts a person to act against the guidance of Quran and Sunnah of Rasool
    Allah
   Fist clenched, body tense, veins visibly bulging out, face all red with anger lead
    many health issues like depression, head aches, or even heart problems
Allah Does not Like Arrogance and Pride

‎ ‫وال تصعِّرْ خدك لِلناس وال َتمْش فِي اْلَرْ ض مرحً ا ۖ إِنَّ هللاَ ال يحِبُّ كل مُخ َتال فخور‬
  ٍ ُ َ ٍ ْ َّ ُ        ُ َ َّ                 َ َ ِ ْ         ِ      َ َ ِ َّ َ َّ َ    َ ُ َ َ
  Luqman 31:18 "And swell not thy cheek (for
 pride) at men, nor walk in insolence through
     the earth; for Allah does not love any
               arrogant boaster.
    ‫واقصد في مشيك واغضُضْ منْ ص ْوتك ۚ إِنَّ أَ ْنكر اْلَصْ وات‬
    ِ َ ْ َ َ                  َ ِ َ       ِ    ْ َ َ ِْ َ ِ ِْ ْ َ
                                    ِ َ ْ ُ َ َ
                                ‎‫لص ْوت الحمير‬
                                  ِ
    Luqman 31:19"And be moderate in thy pace, and lower thy
      voice; for the harshest of sounds without doubt is the
                      braying of the donkey."
Welcome to the Anger
Management Course
 Congratulations for taking this bold step of
 recognition of the anger issue and willingness to make
 changes in your thinking and life style according to the
 Quran and the Sunna of Rasool Allah (SWS).

 We believe that if you adopt the ten two letter words
 phrase written in the next slide will put you in the
 driver seat for a life changing experience. You need to
 adopt it in your life for ot to have an effect.
 IF IT IS TO BE
IT IS UP TO ME
Exercise 1
 You must repeat the phrase in the previous slide a
  minimum of 20 times each day for the next 3-1/2
  month of the course. Spread it out in four times during
  the day repeating it 5 times in each session. You can do
  it while driving, watching TV, relaxing, before or after
  breakfast, lunch and dinner
 You must maintain a log for each day
Pre-requisite and Obligations
for this Anger Management Course
 Please initial beside each point that you agree with them
  Initial                                   Pre-Requisite and Obligation
            Willingness to Acknowledge that anger problem exist that you need help with

            Willingness to learn the anger management techniques tought in this course

            Willingness to change according to the Quran and Sunnah

            Agree not to be under the influence of Alcohol, drugs or any mood changing drugs while in the course
            (3-1/2 months). Anyone found under the influnce may be expelled form this certification course
            Agree to participate fully in the program

            Agree to be honest about your situations and feelings pertaining to anger

            Take active role in all discussions honestly

            Discuss issues and situations respectfully

            Be a respectful and active listener to others
Pre-requisite and Obligations
for this Anger Management Course
 Please initial beside each point that you agree with them
  Initial                                      Pre-Requisite and Obligation
            Absolutely refrain from ALL threatening, violent or abusive behavior

            Avoid controlling behavior

            Treat others in group therapy with respect

            Absolutely do not talk about what others have mentioned of their situations to others outside of the
            group
            I will not use sarcastic remarks

            I will not use foul language

            I am committing to complete ALL group therapy sessions and all assignments

            I am committing to demonstrate responsible behavior towards all instructors, group participants, my
            family, and loved ones, my co-workers, colleagues and all others that I come in contact with for the
            duration of this course
Pre-requisite and Obligations
for this Anger Management Course
 Please initial beside each point that you agree with them
  Initial                                  Pre-Requisite and Obligation
            I am promising and committing to recite the ten 2 letter words phrase 20 times and the two short
            verses from the Quran in Arabic with their meaning in my own language (for understanding) for a
            minimum of 40 times each day
            I commit to do wadu (abolution) at the start of angry feeling during the course of the course

            I commit to complete the entire course with understanding and willingness to apply to excel my
            human relations

                                My statement of commitment:
  I have read, understood and am committed to all the pointes mentioned above. I will commit
  to put the positive things that I will learn in this course to apply in my relationships with my
  loved ones and others. I am committed because I understand that it is in my own interest and
  benefit to complete this course. By checking the tab represent my signature electronically

                                                             ________________________________________
                                                                          Signature
The Concept of Anger in Islam
                ‫والَّذِين َيجْ َتنِبُون ك َبائِر اْل ْثم والفواحِش وإِذا ما غضِ بُوا هم َيغفرون‬
                 َ ُِْ ُْ         َ َ َ َ َ      ََْ َ ِ ِ ْ َ َ َ                    َ       َ
Those who avoid the greater crimes and shameful deeds, and, when they are angry
                                   even then forgive;

             ‫والَّذِين اسْ َتجابُوا لِربِّهم وأَقامُوا الصَّالة وأَمْ رُ هم شورى َب ْي َنهم وممَّا رزق َناهم ي ْنفقُون‬
              َ ِ ُ ُْ َْ َ ِ َ ُْ                 ٰ َ ُ ُْ       َ َ َ           َ َ ِْ َ           َ       َ       َ
   Those who hearken to their Lord, and establish regular Prayer; who (conduct)
   their affairs by mutual Consultation; who spend out of what We bestow on
                                          them for Sustenance;

                         ‫والَّذِين إِذا أَصا َبهم ال َبغيُ هم َي ْن َتصِ رُ ون‬
                         َ                ُْ ْ ْ ُُ َ            َ َ         َ
 And those who, when an oppressive wrong is inflicted on them, help and defend
                                        themselves.

                                                               َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ ْ ٌ ِّ َ ٍ ِّ َ ُ َ َ َ
             ‫وجزاء سي َئة سي َئة مِثلُها ۖ فمنْ عفا وأَصْ لح فأَجْ رُ هُ على هللا ۚ إ َِّنه ال يحِبُّ الظالِمِين‬
             َ      َّ       ُ َ ُ ِ َّ َ َ
The recompense for an injury is an injury equal thereto (in degree): but if a person
forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah: for (Allah) love
                                         not those who do wrong.
The Concept of Anger in Islam
                ‫ولَمن ا ْن َتصر َبعْ د ظ ْلمه فأُو ٰلَئك ما علَيْهم منْ سبيل‬
                ٍ َِ ِ ِْ َ َ َ ِ َ ِ ِ ُ َ َ َ                        ِ َ َ
  But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong
   (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame.

‫إ َِّنما السَّبيل علَى الَّذين َيظلِمُون الناس و َي ْبغون فِي اْلَرْ ض بغيْر الحق ۚ أُو ٰلَئك لَهم عذابٌ أَلِيم‬
ٌ         ََ ُْ َ ِ         ۚ ِّ َ ْ ِ َ ِ ِ ْ        َ ُ َ َ َّ َ           ْ َ ِ          َ ُ ِ       َ
  The blame is only against those who oppress people and wrong-
    doing and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the
  land, defying right and justice: for such there will be a penalty
                                            grievous.

                   ‫ولَمنْ ص َبر وغفر إِنَّ َٰذلِك لَمنْ عزم اْلُمُور‬
                   ِ     ْ ْ َ ِ َ
                            ِ                      َََ َ َ َ    َ َ
But indeed if any show patience and forgive, that would truly be an
     exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of
                                      affairs.

                                                                       Surah Al-Shura 42:38-43
Sura Ale-Imran 3:134
  َّ َ ِ َّ ِ َ َ َ ْ َ َ َ ْ َ ِ ِ َ ْ َ ِ
ُ‫الَّذين ي ْنفِقُون فِي السَّرَّ اء والضَّرَّ اء والكاظمين الغيْظ والعافِين عن الناس ۗ وهللا‬
                                                        َ ِ               َ        ُ َ ِ
                                 َ ِِ ْ
                               ‎‫يحِبُّ المُحْ سنين‬
                                                 ُ

 Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity, or in
  adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men;-
           for Allah loves those who do good;-
Understanding the verses:
      These verses are asking the believers to follow the following:
1.      Avoid wrongful acts that may lead to criminal acts
2.      Avoid shameful deeds, such as extra marital affairs, not protecting their private parts,
        lying, back biting, slandering and other social evils
3.      Forgive others even when angry
4.      Remembrance of their lord
5.      Establish regular Prayer
6.      Conduct their affairs by mutual Consultation
7.      Who spend out of what We bestow on them for Sustenance
8.      One has the right to defend one self, their family and property through legal and
        proper means
9.      The transgressors will need to face consequences here according to the law and also in
        the hereafter.
10.     The recompense for an injury is an injury equal thereto (in degree): but if a person
        forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah: for (Allah) love not
        those who do wrong.
11.     But indeed if any show patience and forgive, that would truly be an exercise of
        courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs.
Assignment
 Q :1 What are the five most important concepts in
    these two set of verses from surah Al-Shura 42:37-43
    and Surah Ale-Imran 3:134 that will help soften your
    heart in an angry situation. Also explain why are those
    important.
   No    Concept                Why is that important?
    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    5.
Assignment
Describe 5 things or situations or individual that trigger your angers:
1. __________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
2.___________________________________________________________________________
 ____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
4.___________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
5. ___________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Who is effected by your anger? Family, friends, relatives, friends
What is Anger?
 Anger is a complex emotion and mental condition that
 provokes the excitement of man in words and deeds.
 Because of the dangers and sins such like:

   Enraged                               mocking
   Furious                               gibe
                                          obscenity
   Seething
                                          beating
   Hostile
                                          Violent
   Vengeful                               behavior
   Incensed                              killing
   Abused                                Insanity
   Hateful                               and the
   Betrayed
                                           like evil
                                           doings
   Rebellious
To Cure Anger -
Identify the Causes first
 In order to cure excessive anger, one must first remove
 its causes. These may be:
      pride,
      selfishness,
      stubbornness,
      Greed
      Love of duniya (materialism)
      Past history of temperament
      Past negative experiences
      Abusive and dysfunctional home
      Low self esteem
      and other such vices
Yes, But:
 She made me angry
 My children drive me crazy
 Only if my In-laws will not interfere with our affairs
 Only if they would not have …..
 It is not my fault that I hit her. She asked for it
 I told you hundred of times, but you just won’t listen …..
 It has been a long time coming
 I feel, I am the victim
 Yes I know what you will say, but …
Who is in control?
 Who controls your anger?
 Who can make you angry?




         ANSWER ?
YOU!
And only you
Facts
                             Anger is:
Anger is not:
                              a personal choice
 a reflex
                              controlled by your
 an impulsive reaction
                               own thinking
 automatic
                              your own decision
 caused by others
 forced by a situation

    Allah has given human beings the greatest power
             “THE POWER TO CHOOSE”.
               So make the right choice
The effect of your Anger on
    Your Family, Especially
              Your Children
Who are the Victims of Your
Anger?
             Your Spouse
            Your Children
             Your Parents
             Your Family
            And Most of all



            YOU
Angry Parents = Confused Children
 Your anger affects the way you do parenting.
 It affects the way you talk, and discipline your kids.
 If you’re not seeing eye-to-eye over family issues then you’re
    not presenting a united front when it comes to child
    discipline.
   Inconsistent disciplining that depends on your mood leave
    your children confused.
   They’re not sure where their boundaries lie when Mum says
    yes but Dad says no. They might even attempt to play you
    off against one another.
   They see Mum or Dad explode at the slightest thing and
    think it’s acceptable to do that themselves.
   Remember that your child learns by imitation and he will
    copy you when it comes to expressing his own anger.
Instead what your children should
hear from you
 Both Mom and dad loves you
 Sometimes adults behave in the wrong way. It was not ok.
 I should not have behaved this way
 It is not your fault
 It is not your mother’s or father’s fault
 I am sorry that I scared you. Next time I will be careful and
  not behave this way
 Your mom (or dad) and I have some disagreements that we
  are trying to sort out
 We will listen to you, your feelings are very important
Effective vs Productive
Communication
   Be aware that, effective communication and
   productive communication are very different. Most
   people communicate their anger, disappointment,
   or other feelings effectively if they want to. But the
   question is, by communicating their feelings
   effectively - will they have a productive interaction?
   For couples who are having problems, the answer is
   usually NO.



                                                            29
The Communication Style
Check from messages below that you might use in blaming others
  Blaming Messages                      Blaming Messages
  ___ You never do anything right.      ___ Why don't you ever...
  ___ Why do I have to clean up after ___ You never listen.
    you?                                ___ You are wrong.
  ___ What is the matter with you?      ___ You do as I say.
  ___ If it weren't for you, everything ___ That's stupid.
    would be fine.                      ___ I feel bad, but it's your fault.
  ___ Why do you always...              ___ You push my buttons
  ___ Don't you know anything?          ___ I might have overreacted, but I'm
  ___ You will never change.               human, and look what you did



"You" messages are usually blaming messages and tend to shut off
communication by belittling the other person. These messages could be
considered as a type of verbal abuse. If a person hears the same "you"
statement often enough from a loved one, he/she tends to believe that it is
                                                                          30
true.
Leveling Messages –
Change “You” into “I” Messages
 Instead of blaming: Say what you're feeling.
 "My resentment is very strong right now."

 Instead of pleasing: Say what you're feeling.
 "I care deeply for you, even though I don't always feel it in return."

 Instead of controlling: Say what you're feeling.
 "I wish I were stronger right now, but I feel very vulnerable."

 Instead of distracting: Say what you're feeling.
 "I really want to hold you, be close to you."
                                                                          31
Session 4

     Self Awareness
 CONTROL ANGER BEFORE
            IT
    CONTROLS YOU
Directions for this Section
 This section is developed for self awareness. A test of
  your emotions, resentment and anger. Please answer
  all the questions truthfully to the best of your
  knowledge. If any question apply to you then please
  mark the frequency of occurrence as 0= Never, 1=
  Sometimes, 2= Often and 3= All the time.




                                                            33
Anger, Resentment and Impatience
Anger, resentment, and impatience have the following affect on me:
If the answer is “Yes” please quantify frequency e.g. 3=All the time, 2- Often ,1= Only sometimes ,0= Never

                                      SITUATION                                             How
                                                                                            Often
•   Depression, anxiety
•   Compulsive behavior, such as work holism, alcoholism, drugs
•   Confusion, difficulty in concentrating
•   Urge to confide in someone other than my loved ones
•   Dream about involve in extra-marital affairs to punish my spouse
•   Almost daily don’t want to get up and do anything
•   Start to forget doing things
•   Effect on intimacy and sex life
•   Create power struggles
•   Impulses to control, neutralize, warn, intimidate
•   Urge to inflict emotional and / or physical injury to myself
•   Compulsion to avenge, and / or punish and / or hurt loved ones
                                                        TOTAL SCORE OF THIS PAGE
                                                                                                          34
Anger, Resentment and Impatience
Result analysis
Your total in Anger, Resentment and Impatience test was
___________
(Disclaimer: Please note that the numbers below
are only suggested guidelines and not a
professional assessment)

       Up to 12 – You are doing good
       13 – 22 – Need some work
       Over 23 – You really need to work on yourself. Please seek
        professional advice


                                                                     35
Anger Test
Check each of the following, if you felt it during the past 3 month
If the answer is “Yes” please quantify frequency e.g. 3=All the time, 2- Often ,1= Only sometimes ,0= Never
   Situation                                                                        How Often
      Only if people would cooperate I would not have most of my problems
      Loose temper easily
      Angry, annoyed, impatience, restless
      Feeling infuriated, enraged, mad
      Impatience, hot tempered
      Why can’t people do what they are supposed to …….?
      Irritated by other people
      Feeling hate, Jealous
      Shaking with anger
      Feel like hitting and hurting others
      Trouble sleeping because of anger
      Can’t relax, head aches, stomach pain,
                                             TOTAL SCORE OF THIS PAGE
                                                                                                              36
Anger Test - Result analysis
 (Disclaimer: Please note that the numbers below
  are only suggested guidelines and not a
  professional assessment)

 Up to 12 – You may be ok
 13 – 20 – Need self control
 Over 20 – You really need to work on yourself. Please
  seek professional advice


                                                          37
Resentment Test
A chain of resentment precedes most anger problems, even the extreme ones that become violent.
Please rate the points below between 0 and 4, with 0 = Totally disagree and 4 = Totally agree

   Do you ever feel like                                        Rate your answer between 0
                                                                           and 4
   taken advantage of and manipulated
   unappreciated
   whatever you do is not enough
   people rarely understand you
   hardly anything works the way it should
   That you give more than what you get in return
   That you work harder than others
   That people hold you to a higher standard than they should
   That you feel like nothing matters anyway
   Look what I do for her / him and what I get in return
   Why should I be the only one who care
   I can’t get over it; How unfair it is …..
                               TOTAL SCORE OF THIS PAGE
                                                                                                 38
Resentment Test– Result Analysis
 (Disclaimer: Please note that the numbers below
 are only suggested guidelines and not a
 professional assessment)


 0 – 20 points – May be OK
 20 – 30 points – Fair and some work is needed
 30 and above – You need a lot to work on yourself

 Most people score up to 20 average

                                                      39
Test of Your Impatience
When you're in a hurry or need to get things done or just in the course of an ordinary day, do you:
Rate your answers between 0 and 4 , 0 = No/Disagree and 4 = Yes/Agree
                            SITUATION                                   Rate your answer
                                                                        between 0 and 4
   Lose track of other people's perspectives?
   Fail to understand how they feel?
   Feel like changing and shaping how the world work
   Think only about the way things should be handled?
   Wish things could be different
   Feel upset by other people's choices?
   Wish people would understand your point of view
   Feel taken advantage of?
   Feel held back?
   Feel manipulated?
   Feel like hardly anything works the way it should
   Feel like the world is full of jerks?
                                 TOTAL SCORE OF THIS PAGE
                                                                                                      40
Test of Impatience – Result Analysis
 (Disclaimer: Please note that the numbers below
  are only suggested guidelines and not a
  professional assessment)


 0 – 15 points – Your seem like a person with patience
 15 – 30 points – Good but some work is needed
 30 and above – You need a lot to work on yourself

 Most people score up to 20 average

                                                          41
The Recipe of Protection From
Anger and Evil Thoughts(Surah Al-Araaf)
                  ‫خذ العفو و ْأمُرْ بالعُرْ ف وأَعْ رضْ عن الجاهلِين‬
                  َ ِ َ ْ ِ َ     ِ َ ِ        ْ ِ        َ ََْْ ُِ
      Hold to forgiveness; practice what is right; But turn away
                             from the ignorant.

              ٌ َ ٌ ِ َ ُ ِ َّ ِ ْ ِ َ ٌ ْ ِ َ َّ َ ِ َ َّ َ َ
             ‎‫وإِمَّا َي ْنزغنك من الش ْيطان َنزغ فاسْ َتعذ باَّلل ۚ إ َِّنه سميع علِيم‬
                                                                                      َ
If a suggestion from Satan assail thy (mind), seek refuge with Allah;
                   for He hear and know (all things).

        َ ِ ُ ُْ َ َ          َّ َ ِ َ َّ َ ِ ِ َ ْ ُ َّ َ َ ْ َ َّ َ ِ
       ‎‫إِنَّ الَّذين اتقوا إِذا مسهم طائفٌ من الش ْيطان َتذكرُوا فإِذا هم مبْصرُون‬
 Those who fear Allah, when a thought of evil from Satan assaults
   them, bring Allah to remembrance, when lo! they see (aright)!

                                                                Qur’an 7: 199-201
The Recipe of Protection From
Anger and Evil Thoughts(Surah Al-Araaf)
 Let us analyze the Ayah from Surah Al
 Aaraaf that is a recipe of controlling one’s
 anger and evil thoughts. This is reflected
 in a four step process
Step 1: Take the high moral standard by
 “Holding to Forgiveness”. Is this easy?
 definitely not
The Recipe of Protection From
Anger and Evil Thoughts(Surah Al-Araaf)
Step 1 (contd)
  It is said that Hadrat Abu Bakr Siddiq the first Caliph of Islam was in
  the company of others and this one man was trying to make him angry
  by cursing him and using abusive language. Abu Bakr was quite
  listening. After some time Abu Bakr asked the man as to what he has
  done wrong to be subjected to this. As soon as he asked he saw Prophet
  Mohammad left the room. Afterwards he asked the Prophet did I do
  something wrong as I noticed you left seemingly upset. The Prophet
  responded when you were quite the room was filed with angels and
  they were responding on your behalf but as soon as you opened you
  mouth they all left leaving you to fend for yourself.

  Moral of the story: It takes a lot of courage and patience to reach this
  state of character. Your aim is to seek the pleasure of Allah and to gain
  the hear after.
The Recipe of Protection From
Anger and Evil Thoughts(Surah Al-Araaf)
Step 2:
 Remind your self consistently as to what is right? This
  comes from self talk to replace your angry “Hot
  minded thoughts” to “cool Thoughts”. This comes by
  practice when you are not angry.
 Let us demonstrate in the next three exercises
Exercise 1
Scenario: Somebody pushes in line ahead of you
Question: How would you react? Exercise: Try putting some cool thoughts
               Negative                   Self Talk to Cool Thoughts
      Thoughts and Emotions
                                        • I don’t like what he just did
  •   What a jerk
                                        • He might not know that there
  •   How inconsiderate
                                          is a line so let me talk to him
  •   How Annoying
  •   Angry
  •   I should ……
  •   These people come from
      third world countries
  •   That is what they do in their
      country
  •   They have no manners
  •   They have no civic sense
Exercise 1
Scenario: Somebody pushes in line ahead of you
Question: How would you react? Exercise: Try putting some cool thoughts
               Negative                   Self Talk to Cool Thoughts
      Thoughts and Emotions
  •   What a jerk
  •   How inconsiderate
  •   How Annoying
  •   Angry
  •   I should ……
  •   These people come from
      third world countries
  •   That is what they do in their
      country
  •   They have no manners
  •   They have no civic sense
Exercise 1
Scenario: Somebody pushes in line ahead of you
Question: How would you react? Exercise: Try putting some cool thoughts
               Negative                   Self Talk to Cool Thoughts
      Thoughts and Emotions
                                        • I don’t like what he just did
  •   What a jerk
                                        • He might not know that there
  •   How inconsiderate
                                          is a line so let me talk to him
  •   How Annoying
  •   Angry
  •   I should ……
  •   These people come from
      third world countries
  •   That is what they do in their
      country
  •   They have no manners
  •   They have no civic sense
Exercise 2
 Scenario: Someone driving aggressively cut you off in the rush hour
 Question: How would you react? Exercise: Try putting some cool thoughts

                Negative
      Thoughts and Emotions                        Self Talk to Cool Thoughts
 1.    Stupid, Jerk,                          1.    ..
 2.    Does not know how to                   2.    ..
       drive                                  3.    ..
 3.    I should cut him off also              4.    ..
 4.    Do you think you own the               5.    ..
       road?
                                              6.    ..
 5.    I feel like lowering my
       window and the next traffic
       light and say what a stupid
       jerk he is
 6.    Show him the finger
Exercise 2
 Scenario: Someone driving aggressively cut you off in the rush hour
 Question: How would you react? Exercise: Try putting some cool thoughts

                Negative
      Thoughts and Emotions                        Self Talk to Cool Thoughts
 1.    Stupid, Jerk,                          1.    Might have some emergency
 2.    Does not know how to                   2.    Thank God I am safe
       drive                                  3.    ..
 3.    I should cut him off also              4.    ..
 4.    Do you think you own the               5.    ..
       road?
                                              6.    ..
 5.    I feel like lowering my
       window and the next traffic            7.    ..
       light and say what a stupid            8.    ..
       jerk he is
 6.    Show him the finger
The Recipe of Protection From
Anger and Evil Thoughts(Surah Al-Araaf)
Step 3
  “Turn away from ignorant”
  Take a time out and walk away from a potentially violent
  situation. Weather it is you who is showing ignorance or
  the other party or some one else.
  It is a good thing to take charge and say to your self:
        I am not going to fall for it.
        I will take my time and come up with a good solution.
        I know this will give both sides to cool off
        I know that I can come up with a better solution that
         is best for me (For both sides)
The Recipe of Protection From
Anger and Evil Thoughts(Surah Al-Araaf)
Step 3 (Cont’d)

 Self talk is a very powerful tool that is used by Sahitan
  (Satan) to make you angry. Practice to put that to your
  advantage by positive self talk
 Say, “ I am NOT going to take action because someone
  is exciting me to act in an irrational way. I can come up
  with a better solution when I am cool and calm”.
The Recipe of Protection From
Anger and Evil Thoughts(Surah Al-Araaf)
Step 4
Seek Refuge with Allah through His remembrance
Make Wadu and offer two rakah of non obligatory
  (Nafl)prayer
Ask for Allah’s guidance
Ask for Allah to give you patience
Ask for the protection from Shaitan (Satan)
Forgiveness:
 Our Prophet Mohammad (saw) said:
 "Forgiveness raises a man's stature; forgive so that
 Allah (SWT) may honor you.“

 In another hadeeth Prophet Mohammad (saw) asked
 his companions “ Would you like to be forgiven on the
 day of Judgement?”
 They responded “Yes, but how?”
 He said “Forgive others.”
Holes in the fence
 There once was a little boy who had a bad temper (anger). His Father gave him
    a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper and get angry, he
    must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
   The first day the little boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few
    weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily
    gradually dwindled down.
   Little boy discovered it was easier to hold his temper (anger) than to drive
    those nails into the fence...
   Finally the day came when the little boy did not lose his temper (anger) at all.
    He told his father about it and the father suggested that the little boy now pull
    out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper (anger). The day
    passed and the little boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were
    gone.
   The father took his little boy by the hand and led him to the fence. He said,
    "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.
   The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a
    scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't
    matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
Hold your Tongue:
This small part of body may lead you to hell fire
 Our Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) mentions pointed to his
    tongue and said hold this small piece of your body as it may lead
    you into hell fire. The hurt from your tongue could be worst than
    the hurt from your hand.
   Slandering,
   Backbiting,
   Reproaching
   Name calling
   Cursing
   Lying
   Useless discussions that does not benefit anyone but may lead to
    slandering or back biting
   Making up stories
The Cycle of Violence and After Effects
       Steps From                     Post Anger After Effects
 Being Normal to Angry
      Boom (You explode)
                                 B   • After Explosion
                                      • High Blood pressure
      Uncontrollable Rage              and Heart Beat
 Vengeful (Hurt or even kill)        • Vengeful (Hurt or even
                   Physical            kill)
                  Vengeful           • Withdrawn
                    Hostile          • Regretful
                 Resentful
                                      • Feel sorry for yourself
         Sarcastic attitude
                                      • Feel sorry for victim
                Frustrated
                                        (Only if you have
                   Irritable           conscious)
                Impatient
                                      • Feel sorry for kids
                  Annoyed
                                      • Depressed (The world is
          Normal (Happy)
                                        against me)
                                      • Suicidal
Anxiety Quiz:
Are you concerned about the following regarding your own or
your spouse?
Moods leading to anger                            Never   Sometimes   Often
Silent Treatment, or Stonewalling
Cold Shoulder
Chilly Mood
Attitude, Moody
Resentful
Arrogance
Criticism
Sarcasm
Glares, Frowns
Angry physical gestures (finger-pointing, fist)
Anger
Beating, punching, violent physical actions
Use of objects as weapon
Question?

 How many of you have handled
 or have thought of handling
 your anger in the past this way?
1. Silent treatment
 This is common among the spouses or between
 children and parents, with the hope that the issue will
 go away if they stay quite and not talk about it openly.
 However the issues does not fade away but simmer
 under the rubbles of dysfunctional relationship that
 flares up in future with more vigor often causing more
 damage to the relationship
2. Keeping feelings inside of you
 This is predominantly found in the weaker partner in
 the relationship where she or he suffer at the hand of
 their partner. Much of the time this is a cultural
 phenomenon where parents and society teach the girls
 to suffer quietly and not to bring shame to the family.
 This often result in a sense of helplessness, and
 depression.
3. Verbal Abuse
   Accusing, Blaming
   Shouting,
   Talking loud,
   Swearing
   Cursing
   Victimizing oneself
   Silent Treatment
   Lying
   Back biting
   Slandering
4. Physical Violence
   Hitting
   Punching
   Threatening to be violent
   Destroying property
     Throwing things,
     Punching walls,
     Kicking cans
 Harming pets
 Hiding or steeling the belongings of other person
 Sabotaging equipment or car of other person
5. Taking it out on someone else
 Your spouse
 Your children
 Family members
 Parents
 Friends
 Neighbors
 Strangers
6. Resorting to Violence
   Slapping                 Fighting, Wrestling
   Choking                  Throwing the other
   Kicking                     person bodily
   Punching                   Physically making a
                                person do something
   Spanking                    against their will
   Scratching                 Hitting someone
   Pushing and shoving        Impulsive behavior
   Grabbing, Restraining      Planning to hurt others
   Kidnapping                 Planning to hurt yourself
   Pulling hair               Planning for using
   Burning                     weapons
                               Carrying out your plans
7. Sexual Abuse (Between spouses)
 Unwanted or disrespectful touch
 Forcing sexual activity
 When the other party is asleep or un-concious
 Demanding sexual favors through treat of deportation
  or other threats
 Forcing to do indecent acts
 Fantasy sexual actions
 Forcing oral or anal sex

8. Economic Abuse
 Starving from giving financial access (No Money)
 Taking and using your spouse money for your own
 good:
   Gambling
   Drinking
   Spending on your own family with his/her consent
 Preventing from getting or keeping a job
 Lack of shura (Consultation) on big spending
 Hiding family money from your spouse
9. Coercion and Intimidation
 Threatening to divorce
 Threatening to leave
 To report to authorities (In case of new immigrants or
    arrivals)
   Drop charges
   Destroying properties
   Displaying weapons
   Abusing pets
   Using children to relay messages
   Threatening to take children away
10. Emotional Abuse
 Putting the mother or father of your children down
 Making them feel bad about themselves
 Name calling
 Playing mind games
 Humiliation in private and public
 Playing the game of self guilt
 Isolating from family and friends
 Controlling of money, access, resources, activities,
  involvement
 Using jealousy to justify actions
11. Playing Blaming Games
 False accusation – Someone else is responsible
 Denial – abuse did not happen
 Rationalization – Dismissing the problem by justifying it or
    making it appear logical
   Shifting responsibility and blame
   Minimizing –Dismissing a problem with language that
    makes it seem less severe
   Comparing out – with others issues
   Using the system to one own advantage
   He/She can’t speak good English and does not know what
    she is saying or what actually happened
   Hostility – Becoming intimidating, threatening or violent
Exercise # 8
Imagine
  Imagine the MOST HURTFUL thing
  you said or did to your spouse, family or
  a loved one


  Action: Write it on a piece of paper fold it in once, but
  do not share with other at this time
Exercise # 8
Now Imagine Again
  Now imagine again if the same thing is said or done by
  a stranger to your loved one

                  Think about:
                How would you feel?
                       and
                What you might do?

  Express your thoughts on the backside of the folded paper
Exercise # 8
Imagine
  Share your thoughts with the group as to:


  1. What would you do?
  2. Why is ok for you to do something that
     bad or offensive to your loved one but
     others don’t?
  3. How do you think you would want to
     change yourself?
Solution
Allah says in Surah Rome 30: 21
                                                    ‎
 ‫ومنْ آ َياته أَنْ خلَق لَكم منْ أَ ْنفُسكم أَزواجً ا لِ َتسْ كنوا إِلَ ْيها وجعل َب ْي َنكم مودة‬
 ً َّ َ َ ْ ُ َ َ َ َ َ           ُُ              َْ ُْ ِ           ِ ُْ َ َ         ِِ        ِ َ
                    ‎‫ورحْ مة ۚ إِنَّ فِي َٰذلِك َل َيات لِق ْوم َي َتفكرُون‬
                     َ َّ َ ٍ َ ٍ َ َ                                ًَ َ َ
     And among His Signs is this, that He created for you
      mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in
     tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy
   between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those
                                            who reflect.
Solution
 An argument does not have to be violent and hurtful rather it would be
     beneficial when you fight with love and mercy in your heart
           Instead of Being:                            Rather Argue with
 •    Blaming                                 •   Love and mercy
 •    Un cooperative                          •   Respect
 •    Controlling                             •   Non-threatening behavior
 •    Manipulative                            •   Support and trust of each other
 •    Threatening                             •   Honest y
 •    Violent                                 •   Taking an account of your own
 •    Abusive                                     actions. Look inward first
 •    Pressurizing
Yes But: Can it be done?
   Of course it is hard but it can be done.



  Our Prophet did it and showed us how

                Here is how
Solution #1: Calm Down
 Change your position.
       If you are standing sit down, If you are sitting lay down
        (Without offending others)
 Go wash your face, make wadu
 Drink water
 Think about something else to calm your mind
 Take three big deep breaths as you count to ten.
Exercise 4
 Take three or more deep breath and make the supplication
 of Prophet Musa
                       ِ َْ             َ ْ
                    ‎‫قال ربِّ اشرحْ لِي صدري‬    َ َ َ
      (Moses) said: "O my Lord! expand me my breast;
                         ‎‫و َيسِّرْ لِي أَمري‬
                             ِ ْ              َ
                   "Ease my task for me;
                     ‎‫واحْ لُل عقدَ ة منْ لِساني‬
                        ِ َ       ِ ً ُْ ْ       َ
       "And remove the impediment from my speech,
                                   َ      َْ
                            ‎‫َيفقهُوا ق ْولِي‬
           "So they may understand what I say:

                                         Surah Taa ha 20:25 - 28
Solution 2 - Communicate
 With respect
 With “Love and Mercy” in your heart
 Don’t raise your voice. Try and talk it out in a low voice!
 Change your posture from aggressive to consiliating
 Listen more than talk
 Express your feelings rather then thoughts
 Use the “I” Formula to say how you are feeling at that
  moment.
Solution 3: Call It Time Out
 Take time off to Cool down and
 Make sure that the other party is aware that you want
  time to cool down and they are ok with it.
 Suggest a specific time mutually agreeable to discuss the
  issue later
Solution #4 – Do some physical
activity.
 Do something physical to release anger.
 Something soft and inanimate
 Something that you enjoy
 Drink a glass of water
 Make wadu with cold water and pray asking for Allah’s
  forgiveness and protection from your own nafs and anger
 Go for a walk
 Swimming is good for mind and heart
 Get some icecream
Solution #5: Accommodate and
compromise
 Think “out of the box” for solutions
 Win – win is the best solution
 Give a little, get a little
 Say “You are probably right” but say it only if you mean
  it.
 Skip it: Ask if it is really worth pursuing?
 Agree to disagree
Solution #6. Think long term
 Consider the consequences of your choice.
 Remember every action has its own affect and
  consequence.
 Long term and short term
 Think about winning hearts rather than winning a
  battle
 How will your action affect your children, Spouse, And
  family?
 How will you answer Allah on the day of Judgment?
Topics
1.    Why anger management? Who needs it?
2.    Islamic Definition – What Quran and Sunnah of Prophet
      Mohammad say about Anger
3.    Stress and Resentment
4.    Who are the Victims of Your Anger?
5.    Empathy
6.    Self Talk
7.    Communications: Assertive not Aggressive
8.    Expectations
9.    Step Back – Take a Moment - Think
10.   Quranic Solutions to Anger
11.   Win/Win approach
Solution #7: Do something positive
 Do what you like doing to get your mind off your angry
    feelings.
   An act of charity
   An act of kindness
   Fun
   Sports
   Read a book
   Take her/him out for a candle light dinner
   Bring flowers or better yet have them delivered
   Surprise her/him!!!!!
Solution #8. Sort things out.
 What happened and why?
 Stop and think why are you angry?
 What can I do to avoid something like this in the
  future?
 Take ownership of the issue
 Look 100 ways to forgive and forget – Our Prophet
  (PBUH) did.
 Say you are sorry, even if it is not your fault for the sake
  of harmony
Solution # 9: Admit you are angry
 Think of a positive and healthy way to deal with your
  anger.
 Seek professional help
 See an elder or Imam, who has wisdom
 Seek answers and solutions together
 Read Qur’an together
 Pray together
 Positive self talk is very powerful tool
 Think of Akhira (The hear after)
Finding a good win/win solution
affect you and your family:
     Physically

     Mentally

     Spiritually

     Socially
Physically
 Lower your blood pressure
 Keep your heart rate low
 Reduces ulcers(holes in your stomach/intestines)
 Reduces migraine and headaches
 Make you a happy person
 Give you time for other important things
 Allow to spend quality time with family and children

Spiritually
 Spiritual satisfaction
 Follow the teachings of Quran and Sunnah
 Strengthen the family and friendship bond
 Take you to higher level of Iman
 Become closer to Allah
Mentally
 Reduce your stress/ frustration levels
 Allows you to get your emotions/feelings out
 Clears your mind
 No worries about the fights and the guilt feeling that
  goes with it
 Allows you to concentrate on more important issues in
  life
Socially
 Allows you more friends
 Gives you a better reputation
 Increase your trust worthiness
 Make you a loving person
 Make family bond strong
 Strong family lead to strong community
 Allows you to do more social and community work as a
 family
Say: I can do it
 Because I learnt today ten two letters words that I will
 apply in my life from today



  If it is to be, it is up to me
Jazakum Allah Khairan
  May Allah help all of us to become a better person

              Questions
                and
              Comments

				
DOCUMENT INFO
Shared By:
Categories:
Tags:
Stats:
views:20
posted:10/1/2012
language:English
pages:94