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April 2011 - Tuna Talk


                                 Vol. XII, Issue IIII         The Roeper School                                        April 2011

Snow Days Spawn Extra School Days
  by Breeana Blackmon
         Students have missed      days are going to be a hassle,”
more than three days this          teacher Ted Appleton says.
school year due to snow,           “I am not readjusting my
and, as a result, Roeper will      schedule. It will be too much
remain in session for three        work, especially since finals
extra days this June.              will already be over, and I
         “The last day of          have plans to leave for Ohio
school has been moved from         on June 8th.”
June 7 to June 10,” Campus                  Other faculty
Coordinator Anna Monaghan          members think that the extra
says.                              days are the best way to
         Both Head of School       make up for lost time. For
Randall Dunn and Upper             AP English teacher Mary Kay
School Director Lisa Baker         Glazek, the extra days are a
feel that a few extra days of      chance for her AP English
school won’t hurt anyone. In       students to reread Emma.
addition, “Even though we’re       “Kids are complaining that
a private school, we are still     they have plans immediately
expected to have a certain         following the last day of
number of school days each         school, such as summer jobs
year,” Baker says.                 and vacations,” Glazek says,
         “It’s not our fault       “but nothing is as important
that we had so many snow           as understanding Austen’s
days this year. We shouldn’t       views on society.”
have to suffer as a result of               It seems as though
the weather,” junior Shekinah      these three snow days have
Hockenhull says. Senior            thrown everyone’s plans off.
Akilah Russell agrees. “A few      It looks like we’ll all have
extra days of school is not        to hold out on recycling all
going to help anyone.”             the old papers from class,
                                   and burning textbooks this        The Hill House - a vacant winter wonderland in January during one Snow Day. Administra-
        Teachers have mixed        summer, at least for three        tors decided last week to extend the school year by three days as a result of school missed
emotions about the additional      extra days.                       due to bad weather.                                        Photo courtesy of Linda Vernon
school days. “ These extra

What the Puck? Hockey Comes to Roeper
    by Elyse Lancaster
        Basketball is the          on,” he says. The power of                                                                        mer, as a regular pool.
most popular winter sport          having a Canadian hockey                                                                          During the winter, how-
at Roeper. Heck, it’s the          coach is truly magical.                                                                           ever, the janitors could fill
only winter sport. Whether                 Statistics prove                                                                          the pool and freeze it. Since
it be the Girls’ Junior Varsi-     that having a coach that is                                                                       it’s a frozen pool, and not a
ty team or the Boys’ Varsity       actually Canadian improves                                                                        frozen lake, the ice would
team, the school unites at         the players’ ability to play                                                                      already be flat and perfect,
almost every home game.            hockey. “87.2% of players                                                                         just like a real ice rink.
Although he is very proud          who have a Canadian ice                                                                                    Though 2011-12
of his teams’ accomplish-          hockey coach play better,                                                                         Girls/Boys Hockey will
ments, Athletic Director           and, most importantly,                                                                            be the first season of ice
Ernie Righetti feels that it       win!” Dr. Hockey himself,                                                                         hockey at Roeper, it doesn’t
is time for a new league of        Gordie Howe, says.                                                                                mean that its team should
winter sports to rise.                     Though it is a very                                                                       be underestimated. Both
        “There is too much         different sport than what                                                                         Righetti and McIntosh are
focus on basketball,” he           the school is used to, hock-                                                                      really enthusiastic for this
says. “We need to start a          ey will likely draw enough                                                                        new project of theirs to get
whole new team, a differ-          willing recruits, McIntosh                                                                        started. McIntosh adds, “I
ent sport that we’ve never         thinks. “There are a lot of                                                                       can’t believe it’s taken this
done before.” Hockey is the        8th grade boys who are                                                                            long to get a team togeth-
most popular winter sport          hockey fans,” he says. He’s                                                                       er.”
in Michigan. Why shouldn’t         looking for students with a
Roeper have an awesome             good sense of balance, not
ice hockey team?                   the clumsy type.
        Instrumental Music                 Some people may
teacher Jason McIntosh             ask where we are going
plans to be the first coach        to play the home games,
for the new team. “It’s            but the answer is obvi-
obvious that I was going           ous. There’s the pool at
to be the coach; I mean, I         the Lower School campus, Instrumental Music Director and Canadian Jason McIntosh, a man
was born with ice skates           which is used, in the sum- born on ice skates, will coach Roeper’s hockey team. Lorenz Mager
                                                                                                         Photo by

 Karen Johnson                             Qdoba                      Literature in                   Kochanowski’s                  The Devolution
   Juggles To                              Closing                   140 Characters                    Meat Castle                     of the RDA
    The Top                                                             or Fewer
      p. 2                                    p. 3                         p. 4                                p. 7                            p. 6
2                                                                              Tuna Talk

Dios Mio!
            Qdoba Wraps Up
    by Francesca Bennett
        The Qdoba Mexican Grill on Maple Road will be closing in
mid-May. Many students are devastated. “I am going to starve,” junior
Shekinah Hockenhull says. “I don’t know how to survive without my
chips and queso.”

         The closing is the result of an incident that occurred in late
March. Just after closing on Friday, March 25, a man wearing a large
sombrero and a pantyhose mask broke into Qdoba using nothing but
a bobby pin. The Bobby Pin Bandito, as authorities are now calling
him, then proceeded to steal all of the flour and avocadoes in the store
while there were no employees present. While the Bandito loaded the
stolen goods onto his truck, the police responded to the alarm that was
triggered when the lock was broken. The Bandito dropped the flour
that he was carrying and ran, the police chasing him until they could
no longer see him across Adams Road. The reason for the attempted
burglary is unknown, as police have not yet been able to identify the

         The Qdoba Corporation cannot afford to replace the two-year                     Qdoba Mexican Grill, a popular place to lunch among students, is now closed.
supply of flour and avocadoes damaged during the spree, because of recent                                                                     Photo by Annie Leibowitz
financial problems caused by the recession. The incident also led to unforeseen
costs for the City of Birmingham: immediately following the incident, a               a disco block that day so that Roeper students may attend the extravaganza
guacamole-type substance sprinkled with flour covered the entire section              if they wish. Opening in the space currently occupied by Qdoba will be a
of Maple Road where Qdoba is located. This led to drivers complaining of              natural health cafe, VegHead, which will serve only gluten-free, vegan meals.
green splash ruining their recent car washes, which the drivers demanded be           The worry of lack of Mexican food in Roeper students’ diets has instigated the
refunded. The entire incident in total has cost the Birmingham Public Services        Spanish teachers to create the Discovery of Mexican Cuisine Club, in which
Department about $1,200.                                                              members will travel once a week to a Mexican restaurant. If you would like
         The Qdoba Corporation has supplied the store with enough supplies            to join the DOMCC or have a restaurant suggestion for them, please contact
to last until Thursday, May 12th, when there will be a “Goodbye Qdoba                 Eulalia Ferrer or Sylvia Bell. If you have any information pertaining to the
Extravaganza,” with unlimited Queso and chips for all customers. There will be        Bobby Pin Bandito, please contact the Birmingham police department.

Benigna’s Robot History Decoded
       by Patrick Yee
          With his monotone       machinery, which, after fin-       for granted, such as eating,      have emotion, and atoms          of the ordinary. “I remember
voice, his matter-of-fact         ishing, she hands to Benigna,      Benigna has to do completely      do feel, and have wants and      this one time I accidently cut
approach to teaching, and         who puts it in his ear. The        differently. “There is an algo-   desires. He just didn’t under-   an electrical cord. There were
seemingly mechanical behav-       initial consensus of the Sci-      rithm that makes me look like     stand that, and so I asked him   sparks all over, and he just
ior, it should be no surprise     ence Department on Benigna         I’m digesting food, but really,   if he was a robot, and that’s    calmly picked it up with his
that Chemistry teacher Jamie      was positive, as Pence recalls.    it’s harnessing the energy        just kind of how                                   bare hands.
Benigna is, in fact, a robot.     “We were thrilled because it       of the chemical bonds and         it started,” she ex-                               It was so
          Benigna is an experi-   meant he could work 24/7           transferring it into electrical   plains. However,                                   cool! I guess,
ment made by Mensa Inter-         without getting tired,” she        energy,” he says, before a low    her discovery                                      looking back,
national, an organization of      says with a smile.                 battery indicator starts flash-   remained noth-                                     that should
high-IQ individuals. The pur-               For Benigna, the         ing on his watch and he has       ing more than a                                    have made it
pose of the experiment was        daunting task of teaching          to excuse himself.                vague suspicion                                    obvious that
to see how well a robot could     Chemistry to high school                    Although the science     for most stu-                                      something
teach. After a year, Mensa        students actually comes            department made a decision        dents; although                                    was up, but
International decided to end      fairly naturally to him. “I        to keep Benigna’s condition       others joked                                       I wasn’t re-
the experiment and retrieve       wasn’t really programmed to        a secret from the students, it    about the idea                                     ally thinking
Beningna, but a member            do anything else,” Benigna         certainly did not stop some       of Benigna being                                   about it,”
of the science department,        says. “Being a robot comes         from figuring it out. The first   a robot, most                                      Jerk says.
Linda Pence, stopped it. “We      with several advantages for        person who suspected Benig-       assumed that he
convinced Mensa to let Jamie      teaching, such as the ability      na’s secret was senior Falynn     was just a little
stay because we teach robot-      to do lots of computations at      Koppy, who still remembers        eccentric.
ics here,” Pence says. “By hav-   one time,” Benigna says. Also,     the day clearly when she                   For-
ing a robot teacher in the real   “the ability to just plug myself   learned that Benigna was          mer Chemistry
world, we were able to model      in is handy.”                      not a homosapien. “It was         student Herkimer
all of the different functions              A problem that arises,   probably around 10th grade,”      Jerk had also
of a robot, so that students      which is entirely different,       Koppy says. “I had Intro          noticed some
could see full application,”      though not difficult, for Be-      Chemistry with him. He never      things were out
Pence adds, before return-        nigna to solve, is keeping up      shed a tear for my
ing to what she describes as      human appearances. Many            pleas for him to
“routine maintenance” on          activities that human mem-         understand that
a complex-looking piece of        bers of the community take         electrons do indeed

                   Tuna Talk                                 Editor-In-Chief - Jeremy Gloster
                                                                Copy Editor - Kylee Weiss
                                                        Layout Editor/Photographer - Lorenz Mager

    Francesca Bennett, Shekinah Hockenhull, Mohaymin Kadir, Ben Kochanowski, Elyse Lancaster, Ari Teitel, Kylee Weiss, Patrick Yee
                                                     Advisor - Linda Vernon
                                                                               Tuna Talk                                                                              3

Johnson Juggles Job and Junk

   by Mohaymin Kadir
         Karen Johnson, the                                                                                        answer is,            a Latin teacher, she was an

                                        The most exhilarating
US Latin teacher, has many                                                                                         she is being          uncertified, amateur juggler.
interesting hobbies and skills.                                                                                    outshone by           Johnson preformed in places
She can understand many
languages, such as Latin,            experience I ever had was trying                                              Justin Bieber.
                                                                                                                   When John-
                                                                                                                                         such as Siberia, Africa, on
                                                                                                                                         top of a building, and also
Greek, French, Spanish, and
German. She is also a former         to juggle underwater. I had to use                                            son learns to
                                                                                                                   juggle liv-
                                                                                                                                         had a chance to showcase in
                                                                                                                                         Caesar’s Palace.
archaeologist, and figure
                                     heavy metal balls to keep them                                                ing animals,                   “The most exhilarat-

skater, but, did you know that                                                                                     Justin Bieber         ing experience I ever had was
she is also a renowned jug-
gling wonder?                        from floating away.                                                           releases a
                                                                                                                   new song.
                                                                                                                                         trying to juggle underwater. I
                                                                                                                                         had to use heavy metal balls
         Johnson started her
juggling journey in her pre-                                             Latin Teacher Karen Johnson When John-    son learns
                                                                                                                                         to keep them from floating
                                                                                                                                         away,” Johnson says.
teens, when she spent three                                                                                        to juggle                      Johnson stated that
summers in Siberia, work-                                                                                          feathers, an          the most dangerous stunt
ing with the Great Juggalini.     only resource she had avail-      to start juggling.                             amazing feat,         she ever preformed was an
Juggalini is a revered jug-       able: small sled pups.                     Johnson is a master  Justin Bieber makes a new              attempt to juggle flaming
gler, who likes to work with               “Growing up in North-    juggler; she can juggle many  movie. I think you see the             knives while blindfolded.
dangerous tools and objects,      ern Minnesota, my resources       things, ranging from regular  problem here.                          Johnson claimed she could’ve
such as flaming tools, heavy      were limited. After I mastered    balls to dangerous objects.            Johnson says that             pulled it off, but nobody
machinery, and even small         juggling basic items, I had       She can juggle up to 6 balls, juggling is in her blood, and,         wanted to throw her the
rodents.                          nothing left to juggle but our    and can also juggle, in addi- as a kid, she strived to be the        knives because of legal issues.
         During middle school,    family’s sled dogs,” Johnson      tion to sled dogs, feathers,  world’s greatest extremist                      As you can see,
Johnson started her journey       says.                             flaming tools, unicycles, and juggler, but she didn’t have           Johnson is a woman of many
juggling scarves as practice.              Although the sled        even small swords.            the time or money to fund              talents.
Once she mastered that, she       dogs she juggled were very                 One might ask, “If   her way through college.
moved on to juggling balls.       small, they still required        Johnson has this much tal-    Instead, she became a Latin
As soon as she mastered the       much skill and practice, and      ent, how come she isn’t all   teacher at Roeper.
balls, she trained with the       they were what inspired her       over the media by now?” The            Before Johnson was

Odabasi Avoids Deportation
By Seat of His Pants
 by Breeana Blackmon
         “Zieh deine Hosen                 Odabasi was also         to leave, and has planned                                            him to dissapear. Bronner’s
hoch!”                            “being too responsible            to hide out somewhere in                                             is a Christmas-themed store
                                  in yearbook,” she says.           Michigan until things cool                                           roughly the size of two
         These are the words      Once Odabasi finished his         down and the authorities give                                        football fields, and is open
that senior Mete Odabasi          final page in the class, she      up looking for him.                                                  every day of the year except
chooses to ignore, and he is      reported him to his student                                                                            Christmas. He could hide
now getting deported because      exchange program, American                 Odabasi has multiple                                        easily among the thousands
of it. The phrase means “pull     Field Service (AFS), as well as   reasons for wanting to                                               of Christmas decorations and
up your pants” in German          to Customs.                       stay in America. One of                                              Christmas presents, and, of
and, despite Student Life                                           those reasons is his current                                         course, this place is always
Coordinator Linda Vernon’s                 When told what           girlfriend, junior Katie Saslow,                                     swarming with eager children
constant warnings, Odabasi        Odabasi had been up to, the       who is rumored to be an                                              and parents.
refused to do so.                 leaders at AFS were outraged.     accomplice to his crimes.
                                  Sagging his pants is a direct     It is possible that Odabasi                                                  Odabasi is keeping
         Vernon noticed that      violation of rule number 53       is hiding in the Saslow                                              his master plan as secret as
Mete was a sagger the very        in the AFS rulebook, and his      household, and there is also                                         possible; not even Saslow
first week of school. At first,   productivity is a violation of    speculation that he may                                              knows what he is going to do
she excused it because she        rule number 79. AFS sent a        be working at Bronner’s in                                           in the end. Odabasi will go
wasn’t “sure if this was a        letter to Odabasi and his host    Frankenmuth, a town founded                                          down in the history of The
German wardrobe custom.”          parents, Mike and Michelle        by a German missionary                                               Roeper School as “the one
Since then, she has caught        Lane, informing them that         named Frederick Wyneken.                                             who got away.”
him sagging on occasions          he would have to return to
“too numerous to count.” She      Germany within the next                   Although no one can
has now decided that she has      month.                            confirm that Odabasi may                                             LEFT: Senior Mete Odabasi
had enough.                                                         be working at Bronner’s, this                                        discovers some pants that
                                          Odabasi is refusing       would be the perfect place for                                       won’t sag.

Vernon Ejected After F-Bombing SLC
  by Ben Kochanowski
         Linda Vernon, creator    reason for her hypocratical       to students inside the room.       Alia
and enforcer of the infamous      and foul act, Vernon exclaims,    Even when F-Bombers closed         Raheem,
“no F-Bomb” rule, was es-         “I dropped an F-bomb be-          the door, isolating her from       Vernon
corted out of the Student Life    cause Gordie Fall ’06 ap-         the chorus of laughter com-        made
Center for profane language       peared at my door again. It       ing from inside, she refused       one last                                      the SLC raised an
early last week.                  was in context! Come on, you      to back down and began to          attempt to get herself back          uproar, citing times they
                                  can’t kick me out for that.       pound on the glass, shouting       into her sanctuary.                  had been kicked out and
         The disgruntled and      Give me another chance, I         and creating a scene.                                                   not been granted permis-
argumentative Student Life        promise I won’t say it again.”                                                Eyes watering with          sion to come back in early.
Coordinator was led from her                                                 “I had to communi-        emotion, Vernon chokes out,          Ultimately, after many
office into the Senior Hallway              Fall, the infamous      cate with students,” Vernon        “I asked Alia if I could come     tears were shed, Vernon was
by members of the “F-Bomb         student whose face plastered      spouted. “I couldn’t envision      back early, and she was will-     forced to do her time outside.
Squadron” (students who had       Vernon’s office walls during      being out in the hallways by       ing, but the rest of the people
been previously kicked out of     last year’s Senior Prank, had     myself and not being able          vetoed her decision.”                      To ensure that the
the SLC for their own profane     decided to pay his old teacher    to be in the room with my                                            day was never forgotten, se-
language) after uttering the      a visit. He is the only person    peeps.”                                     “I’ve never seen her     nior Walter Johnson honored
very word she deems so vile       to date to get an F-Bomb out                                         so unhappy,” Raheem says.         the fallen Student Life Coor-
and inappropriate. It was a       of Vernon merely with his                  Even though Vernon’s      “She let me back in a few         dinator with her very own
humbling and humiliating          presence.                         expulsion from the SLC was         blocks early one day after        F-Bomber, which is on display
experience for Vernon to be                                         only to last 24 hours, she         she had kicked me out, and        on the dreaded and infamous
kicked out of her own room                To make matters           lacked the necessary coping        I figured the least I could do    SLC wall. That said, she joined
by the very people whom she       worse for herself, Vernon re-     mechanisms to come to terms        was let her back in when she      the ranks of all those whom
labeled foulmouths.               fused to leave the doorway to     with her banishment. Beg-          was at her lowest.”               she banished over the last
                                  the SLC. She stood defiantly,     ging and pleading with repeat                                        year that day, and refuses to
         When asked for the       blocking traffic, and yelling     F-Bomb offender and senior                 Students sitting in       acknowledge its occurrence.
4                                                                                 Tuna Talk

Glazek “Tweeches” New Generation
      by Kylee Weiss
	         Literature	is	printed	
on	paper,	not	set	in	stone.	
With	the	rise	of	virtual	text	–	
online	news	sites,	e-readers,	
blogs	–	even	this	medium	
has	fallen	by	the	wayside	
for	the	easily-editable	and/
or	easily-accessible	format	
of	the	Internet	or	Kindle.	
Upper	School	English	teacher	
Mary	Kay	Glazek	realizes	
that	literary	education	must	
evolve	along	with	its	subject,	
in	order	to	most	effectively	
reach	the	younger	gen-
eration.	Next	year,	she	will	
change	the	way	in	which	she	
teaches	her	classes,	employ-
ing	the	new,	experimental	
“Tweet-A-Novel”	method,	first	
developed	by	Mary	Klages	at	
the	University	of	Colorado.
	         Standard	Short	Story,	
Satire,	Shakespeare,	and	AP	
English	coursework	will	un-
dergo	a	21st	century	make-
over,	in	which	the	content	
of	each	book,	short	story,	
sonnet,	or	play	will	consist	
of	no	more	than	140	charac-
ters.	These	tweet-sized	texts	
will	often	use	texting	slang,	
or	chatspeak,	in	order	to	
conserve	space	and	meet	this	
requirement.	“Some	purists	
might	cry,	‘Sacrilege,’”	Glazek	
says,	“but	I’ve	never	been	        gular	interpretation	of	a	text	     he	says.	“Plus,	it	will	be	a	lot	   Below are some example “novel-tweets”:
one	to	mind	such	moralistic	       just	as	there	is	no	sanctity	in	    easier	following	Mary	Kay	
ordinances.”                       a	writer’s	original,	‘authorial’	   on	Twitter	instead	of	buying	       A Clockwork Orange: Let’s keep it skorry, O my brothers.
	         Glazek	insists	that	     design.”                            20	books	from	the	Roeper	           Viddy the sad state of affairs in today’s vonny world. A widdle
the	Tweet-A-Novel	method	          	        Student	reactions	         Bookstore.”                         baby like couldn’t keep out of the cal.
doesn’t	set	out	to	“dumb-          to	Glazek’s	decision	have	          	        While	students	
down”	the	material	it	ad-          ranged	from	disbelief	to	           enrolling	in	Glazek’s	classes	      Macbeth: Men, wmn, birds, n blud. Fair is fowl and fowl is
dresses;	rather,	it	hopes	to	      delight.	Senior	Duncan	Burns	       next	year	will	experience	a	        fair lol.
explore	more	deeply	the	lim-       objects	to	the	revamping	of	        drop	in	expense,	they	won’t	
its	and	capabilities	of	narra-     such	classics	as	Alexander	         find	any	decrease	in	aca-           “The mirror stage as formative of the function of the I as re-
tive,	removed	from	historical	     Pope’s	The Rape of the Lock         demic	rigor.	“Students	will	
                                                                                                           vealed in psychoanalytic experience”: Bb sees itself in mirror,
context	and	form.	“Postmod-                                                                                lil lack, lil jubilance. Good or bad, “ego” 4med 4ever.
                                   and	Jane	Austen’s	Emma.	“Es-        still	have	to	make	reading	
ern	theory	emphasizes	the	         pecially	Emma,”	Burns	says.	        notes,”	Glazek	says.	Though	
lack	of	a	text’s	self-contained	                                                                           Emma: Hartfield, Randalls, Donwell Abbey. Woodhouse,
                                   “’Hartfield,	Randalls,	Donwell	     there	will	be	less	text	to	         Fairfax, Churchill. ASL?
totality,”	Glazek	says.	“By	       Abbey.	Woodhouse,	Fairfax,	         work	with,	“The	hope	is	that	
putting	the	works	of	Shake-        Churchill.	ASL?’	simply	does	       shorter	texts	will	result	in	
speare,	Kafka,	Austen,	etc.	
                                                                                                           “A Good Man is Hard to Find”: Determined to road trip it,
                                   not	capture	the	book’s	love	        more	students	actually	doing	       even tho Gramma won’t shut up. Only 1 crummy diner. Now
into	tweeting,	we’re	using	        of	language.”	Junior	Gavin	         the	reading,”	she	mutters.          the car’s broken. FML. Wait, there’s a guy coming to help.
[Roland]	Barthes’	concept	of	      Buckley	disagrees.	“It’s	an	
the	Death	of	the	Author,”	she	     exercise	in	postmodernism,”	
continues.	“There	is	no	sin-

King’s Inconvenient Truth Exposed
        by Ari Teitel
          Physics teacher          hostile towards Democrats,          proved my points.”                   bumper stickers in common          George W. Bush.”
Dennis King has been sharing       which led me to believe                                                  now.”
a convenient lie – he is not       that he was trying to cover                   When asked why                                                         King still voted
actually conservative, and         something up.”                      he attended the rally, King                  King eventually            for Bush after the former
is, in fact, a closeted Al Gore                                        says, “When I drove through          revealed the truth, “Originally,   president fell for King’s
supporter. Junior Ryne                      While King                 Detroit, I decided that I had        my IQ score was 60. When           weight loss scam, in which
Murray found King at an Al         was absent from school              been traveling at too high of        Aparna Ananth was my               he told people that if they
Gore rally in Hart Plaza on        visiting his home in the            a velocity, so I parked near         student, I gained some of          did not lose weight from his
April 13th.                        Upper Peninsula, students           Hart Plaza. I took a walk            her smart atoms and my IQ          program, he would multiply
                                   rummaged through his file           and ended up being in the            rose to 80. In addition to         their investment by ten. He
         King raises               cabinets and found a copy of        middle of Gore’s rally.” King’s      gaining smart atoms, I gained      sent Bush to the moon, and
conservative and anti-Liberal      An Inconvenient Truth on Blu-       students know that his story         Aparna’s liberal atoms.”           since the gravity constant is
rhetoric in his classes, much      Ray Disc. After rumors spread       is false, based on fictitious                                           lower on the moon, Bush lost
of it considered extreme by        that King had a copy of Gore’s      stories that he tells during                  Ananth was not            weight, even though he did
students. Junior Erik Burbulla     film, students from his sixth       class. Though King denies            King’s student until 2006, so      not lose any body mass.
says, “Dennis will be in the       block class were convinced          that he went to Detroit for          Dennis did not have enough
middle of a lecture, and then      that they could find more           the purpose of seeing Al             liberal atoms to vote for                    King has since
he’ll randomly regurgitate         Al Gore paraphernalia.              Gore, several liberal students       Gore at the time of the 2000       changed his media
information that he heard and      Burbulla found a rolled up          say that they witnessed              presidential election. “I wish     allegiances to CNN and
saw on Fox News the night          commemorative poster from           him cheering for Gore and            I had watched An Inconvenient      MSNBC from Fox News. “It’s
before.”                           Gore’s visit to Hart Plaza in       wearing an Obama T-shirt.            Truth earlier,” King says.         a little weird to see Dennis
                                   the backseat of King’s car.                                              “Sadly, Aparna didn’t show         quoting Anderson Cooper
        “I always had my                                                        “Dennis was full            me the movie until 2007.           instead of Bill O’Reilly and
suspicions,” Republican and                 “When I found out          of excitement at the rally,”         I would have donated the           Sean Hannity,” Burbulla says.
former King student Jim            that Dennis went to the rally,      Murray says. “I’m pretty             millions of dollars that I made    “I think he’s a happier person
Smith says. “He seemed to be       I went bonkers,” Burbulla           sure that if I cite Al Gore in       from my weight loss company        now.”
trying a little too hard to be     says. “I had my suspicions          my next paper, I’ll get an A.        to his campaign, and he
a Republican. He was overly        about him too, and his actions      Dennis and I have a lot of           would’ve been able to beat
                                                                                Tuna Talk                                                                           5

Larry and the Biebs
by Shekinah Hockenhull

                                                       The teen heartthrob Justin Bieber is being deemed
                                                   a swagger-jacker by 11th grader Lorenz Mager.
                                                   Bieber and Mager have a definite resemblance, and
                                                   have often been mistaken for each other.
                                                        For years, Mager has had his own individual style,
                                                   and took pride in his uniqueness. When Justin Bieber
                                                   hit the scene, for Mager, it was like seeing himself
                                                   everywhere. Mager claims that Bieber is Facebook-
                                                   stalking him, because that is the only way to explain
                                                   the distinct similarities. He thinks that it is unfortu-
                                                   nate that Bieber feels the need to be just like him.
                                                        Bieber even went as far as taking Mager’s long-
                                                   time girlfriend, Selena Gomez, who is the star of the
                                                   Disney Channel show Wizards of Waverley Place. How-
                                                   ever, Mager says that he is over the situation. “She’s
                                                   a cougar. She keeps progressing to younger and
                                                   younger men.”
                                                        The Tuna Talk staff is convinced that Justin Bieber
                                                   is not a “swagger-jacker,” but that he and Mager are
                                                   the same person. It’s all a cover up so that Mager can
                                                   experience the ‘Best of Both Worlds’.
                                                       Mager says that he was born in Germany, but, who
                                                   knows, they could have been separated at birth.
                                                        Are Lorenz Mager and Justin Bieber the same
                                                   person? You decide.

Lewis Kills “Your’ Average Joe”
       by Ari Teitel
         “Caked Out Pretty        which accounts for seven per-       to cheer him up through her       book to tell him
Boi”, “Hyped Out Philly Dilly”    cent of his friends. However,       flirty Facebook chat messag-      to bring some
and “Your’Average Joe” are        Lewis originally intended           es, so he went soul searching.    food because
long gone. Senior Duriajaiye      for 500 people to ‘like’ the        “I was insecure,” Lewis says.     he was always
Lewis changed his Facebook        picture, so he slipped into de-     “I just wanted attention, and     changing his
name back to his real name        pression. He even had to start      none of the ladies gave me        name,” Vernon
yesterday.                        a new Facebook page because         attention in the right ways. I    says. “I’m also
          His new profile pic-    he had too many friends on          just want to have intelligent     proud of him for
ture does not show any skin,      his original account.               conversations with them, I        realizing that the
and he did not take the pic-               Lewis feels that he is     don’t like flirting. Also, col-   pictures of his
ture with his own cellphone.      constantly attacked by girls.       leges could see my pictures,      abs are imma-
“I buy so many clothes, so I      One of Kisses’s friends, Givinq     so I decided to clean up my       ture. Colleges
figured I could wear some of      Huggz, sends Lewis Facebook         act.”                             look at that stuff.”
them in my profile pictures,”     messages every day. Mes-                     “Duriajaiye’s use of               “Even
Lewis says. “I have so much       sages such as, “Why you so          alternative Facebook names        though I changed
swag that I don’t even need to    damn sexy?” and “Text me            might have had to do with         my Facebook
take shirtless pictures any-      some pictures of your abs,”         self-confidence issues, so it’s   name, my swag
more. My fashion is dope!”        are sent regularly.                 good to see that his confi-       will never
         Lewis is afraid that              “It’s like I’m an item,”   dence level is back up,” psy-     change,” Lewis
his Facebook account attracts     Lewis says. “I don’t even feel      chologist Reanne Young says.      says. “I’ll always
too much attention. “I’m tired    like a person anymore be-           “He doesn’t need Kisses to        look better than
of the popularity,” Lewis says.   cause of all the random girls       console him. It’s up to himself   everyone else at
“All these girls like my pic-     that are messaging me. They         to make changes.”                 school.”
tures, and I don’t even know      should like me for who I am,                 Lewis’s homeroom
who most of them are.” Lewis      not what I am. ‘Your’Average        teacher, Linda Vernon, is
says that he has not even met     Joe’ is done with this!”            proud of Duriajaiye’s change.
his Facebook girlfriend, Blow-             As Lewis slipped           “When it was Duriajaiye’s                        Gone are the days of senior Duriajaiye Lewis
inq Kisses. 350 people ‘like’     deeper into depression, he re-      turn to bring in snack, I                        “hanging loose” on Facebook. Photo courtesy of
one of his profile pictures,      alized that Kisses was unable       couldn’t find him on Face-                       Duriajaiye Lewis
6                                                                                   Tuna Talk

Carozza Creeps On Anime Club
       by Patrick Yee
         At the beginning            Club is conspiring to change        or members, if you will,                      Neither club has re-     situ-
of the year, the Anime Club          the result of the final fight be-   that we’ve gotten together          vealed their roster. The two       ation
announced it was up and              tween Bruce & Chuck, pos-           through our love of a certain       teams’ strategies on the other     are too
running and looking for new          sibly by allowing Chuck to          form of cinematography,             hand have been revealed to         nu-
members. That was the last           emerge victorious. This is          and have expanded on that.”         some extent, and both plan         merous
that anyone heard of it. Just        the secret we intend to reveal.     Torres declined to answer           on making what on paper            to list,
what is the Anime Club do-           We also intend to stop them         any more specific questions.        looks like a match of physi-       but one
ing? The faculty advisor of          from committing this sacri-         He also neither denies nor          cality, into a battle of wits.     of the big-
the Roughrider Martial Arts          lege; Bruce must win at all         confirms that the Anime Club        “Our manner of gaining intel-      gest ques-
Club Regis Carozza is con-           costs,” Carozza adds.               has a secret.                       ligence would make it so that      tion marks
vinced that it has a secret,                   Carozza says that he                The group has done        we would be able to foresee        is Johnson
and he has challenged the            learned of the secret from the      very little publicly. It has        any and all plans that may or      and what her
Anime Club to reveal it.             ninja spies he had placed in        never put up a poster or had        may not have been plotted,”        role will be.
         “[The Martial Arts          the organization long before        an announcement or held             Torres says.                       Neither John-
Club] believes that the Anime        he ‘discovered’ the Anime           a fundraiser. The group                       Carozza is not con-      son nor Tor-
Club is in the process of mak-       Club’s secret. Although he re-      meetings are organized and          cerned by such prospects,          res would
ing a feature-length anime           fuses to reveal the identity of     scheduled entirely by word of       “because we have planted           comment on
movie based on Bruce Lee’s           the spy, there are a few possi-     mouth between the members.          ninja spies in our own organi-     her role in
The Way of the Dragon,” Caro-        bilities of who he or she could     Very few know what the club         zation,” he explains. He also      the club.
zza says. “Near the end of           be. Senior Emily Henderson,         does behind the closed doors        intends on gathering informa-      “I expect
the real movie, Bruce defeats        the Anime Club’s Vice Presi-        of the clubroom. “My sense          tion. “We have planted Ninja       to play my
and kills Chuck Norris in            dent, is always carrying a          is that it’s mysterious,” faculty   spies throughout their organi-     typical
single                               suspiciously heavy backpack         advisor of the Anime Club           zation. We know what those         stealth
com-                                 that could be full of recording     Karen Johnson says. Further         Anime people are thinking          role,”
bat. We                                     equipment. Anime Club        investigation reveals that she      before they themselves even        John-
believe                                     member freshman Angel        and Torres have maintained          know what they are thinking,”      son
that the                                    Hall filled out a sheet      an open channel of commu-           Carozza says.                      says.
Anime                                       expressing desire to join    nication. When confronted                     Carozza was also         What
                                            the Martial Arts Club.       with the evidence, she simply       willing to reveal the type of      this entails is unknown.
                                            Of course, we cannot         chuckled and left without say-      fighting style, or rather lack     When asked about her
                                            rule out the possibility     ing a word.                         thereof, he plans on using.        motivations, she vehemently
                                            that there is a ninja hid-             The challenge be-         “We won’t get too hung up          denied that they involved the
                                            ing in the Anime Club’s      tween the Anime Club and            on any particular ‘style’ of       fact that, she teaches Latin, a
                                            room. Carozza refuses        the Martial Arts is set to take     fighting. Like Bruce [Lee          language of vital importance
                                            to admit why he placed       place out on the soccer field       says], ‘All fixed set patterns     to the time period Carozza
                                            ninja spies in the Anime     shortly before Final exams.         are incapable of adaptabil-        talks about. She also denies
                                            Club or if there were        The rules will be simple: there     ity or pliability. The truth is    that her motivations involve
                                     ninja spies in other groups,        will be five one-on-one fights.     outside of all fixed patterns.’    the small photo of Chuck Nor-
                                     but his sinister grin implies       The group that wins the most        We’ll use whatever works,          ris she keeps in her wallet.
                                     otherwise.                          matches will be declared the        but we’ll attempt to do it in a
                                               The current leader of     winner. Carozza has made it         Roeperian fashion,” Carozza
                                     the Anime Club, senior Chris        clear that, if his team wins, he    says. Torres, on the other
                                     Torres, was not too difficult to    will force the Anime Club to        hand, will not say anything
Carozza unleashes some heat          contact, but getting a com-         reveal its big secret. No one       about the actual fighting style
in a battle with senior doodle       plete answer from him was.          knows what the Anime Club           he and the rest of the club
Chris Torres. Photo and              Torres describes the Anime          will do if it wins and Torres       will be using.
illustration by Lorenz Mager         Club as “a group of friends,        did not say either.                           The wild-cards in this

Health Department Closes Scuzzy Life Center
    by Elyse Lancaster
         The SLC will be                                                                                                      couch’s           a simple tarp, bugs and
closing on April 30th 2011.                                                                                                   gaping            mites that the couches had
The school administration                                                                                                     abyss.            gotten from the outdoors
has decided to close down the                                                                                                 Recently          had transferred from the
Student Life Center because                                                                                                   seniors           couches to the Student Life
of its numerous health and                                                                                                    Duncan            Center carpet. Finally, after
safety code violations. For                                                                                                   Burns,            the couches were reportedly
many months, there have                                                                                                       Griffin           cleaned, a student hit one of
been multiple students that                                                                                                   Dennis, and       the couches to see whether
have complained about                                                                                                         juniors Ben       or not it actually was. “It
injuries caused by the                                                                                                        Silverman,        was really gross, there was
furniture in the SLC (e.g.                                                                                                    and Lorenz        a bunch of dust…I don’t
getting splinters from the                                                                                                    Mager             think that the couches were
splitting wood of the chairs,                                                                                                 replaced that     cleaned all that well,” senior
falling through the broken                                                                                                    death trap of     Walter Johnson says.
section of one of the green                                                                                                   a couch with
couches, getting sucked into                                                                                                  a couple of                Because of the SLC’s
the old beige couch, etc.), or                                                                                                couches that      shutting its doors, many
the nauseating smell from the                                                                                                 had been          students are going to have
carpets. As this is a favored                                                                                                 thrown to         to find a new safe hang-out
room by the students, where                                                                                                   the curb by       place. After the room, let
they can just sit, chill, talk to                                                                                             a nearby          alone the couches, is cleaned,
their friends, and do some                                                                                                    family.           and health and safety codes
homework, many students                                                                                                                         are up to date, students will
are upset.                                                                                                                                      then be allowed to reenter
                                    Before the close, the SLC was so dirty that you could barely see through the dust The two                   the room.
         The school has made                                                                    Photo by Lorenz Mager couches sat
efforts to start to make the                                                                                            in the SLC
room better for the students         Getting rid of the beige couch longer shall unsuspecting           for many days without being
who frequently visit it.             has helped quite a bit. No       students disappear into the       cleaned. Only covered by

      obvious and subtle, and try not to take anything printed in this issue too seriously. We’re just kidding.
    fun at the people with whom we spend our days and ourselves. We hope that you enjoy the humor, both
    such as “accuracy,” and “truth.” Instead, we’ve created another April issue in homage to the Onion, poking
    Disclaimer: as you may have noticed, the articles in this issue don’t hold to the usual journalistic standards,
                                                                               Tuna Talk                                                                                      7

RDA Leaves Heirloom Stapler Case Ajar
   by Mohaymin Kadir
         Do you remember the stapler      Michigan.                                            “The stapler isn’t like any oth-            Appleton’s stapler is a black
you got from your dad when you                      Appleton then took the           er stapler in the school, it shouldn’t be    Swingline stapler. It has a little patch
were five? Of course you don’t, but       stapler to all of his jobs. It was with    hard to find. My stapler is dead black,      where the stapler says Swingline in
history teacher Ted Appleton does,        him as he taught at a school in Con-       what else do you need?” Appleton,            white letters. If you do find any infor-
and it is now missing.                    necticut, and while he was coaching        said.                                        mation, or see a stapler that might be
         Appleton’s stapler was origi-    college baseball.                                    Appleton assumes that the          Appleton’s, please tell him or the RDA.
nally his dad’s. When he was 5 years       When Appleton came here to teach          stapler has something to do with             The search for the stapler has been
old, his dad bestowed the stapler         at Roeper, he brought his stapler          sophomore Jack Murray, and when              going on for about 4 months now,
upon him. Appleton took the stapler       with him. Unfortunately, after about       the RDA questioned him, he also gave         and still no luck. Hopefully, a faith-
with him everywhere. He kept it with      a year of teaching here, someone           it a ridiculous, and true, lead.             ful Roeparian will see the stapler and
him throughout elementary school          stole it. The heart-broken Appleton                  “I had Appleton’s stapler, but     speak up.
and high school.                          didn’t know what to do, until he saw a     I put it in some Jell-O to cook it. I took
         Appleton kept the stapler        Roeper Detective Agency flyer.             it out after I made the Jell-O, and I put     [In all seriousness, funny as it is, ev-
with him even in Cleveland. It then                 When the members of the          it in Appleton’s room,” Murray says.         erything Appleton said above is true.
went to Cincinnati with him and, after    RDA heard about the job, they were                   The RDA received many false        If you know any information, please,
that, when Appleton went to college,      on the case. Unfortunately, they           alarms that Appleton’s black stapler         speak up.]
Columbia University in New York. The      weren’t given any good leads, the first    has been spotted. After talking to
stapler has also been to Connecticut,     of which they received from Appleton       Appleton a second time, it finally got
Pennsylvania, and, finally, here in       himself.                                   the details.

Ben’s Meat ‘N’ Greet
This Month: Steaks Are High in Castle Constuction
  by Ben Kochanowski
                                 They say a man’s home is his castle. Just in time for spring, comes the heartburn-inducing, time-consuming, artery-clogging,
                                over-the-top and disgusting Meat Castle. This is a man’s castle.

                                 First conceived by three high school students, fellow junior Lorenz Mager, senior Griffin Dennis, and I, the Meat Castle was cre-
                                ated for the purpose of topping the famed “Bacon Explosion” (Bacon and Italian Sausage wrapped in bacon) by using even more
                                bacon, more sausage, and a new meat: steak. As a homage to the original Explosion, four miniature Explosions were used as tow-
                                ers of the castle.

                                 We convened at the Dennis household to plan our masterpiece. After drawing out blueprints on graph paper and creating a
                                shopping list, we set off for Kroger in search of bacon. After eyeing the dismal selection of steaks in the meat department, we
                                decided to take a trip to Papa Joe’s for some higher-grade meat.

                                 When we returned, we began the preparations. Food service trays were used to support the base, as well as to hold the four
                                miniature Bacon Explosions that would go above it into the oven. After making our castle towers, we wove the base together with
                                bacon strips, covered it in sausage, and set it in the oven.

                                 While the nine pounds of meat baked in the oven, we seasoned our steaks and cooked them outside. By the time all four were
                                done, it was time to take the base and towers out of the oven. We allowed these to sit while we cut the steaks into bricks, and then
                                set about building the walls of our castle.

                                 Using toothpicks as skewers, we constructed walls on our meat base. After it was finished, we skewered the Explosions and stuck
                                them into the base at each corner of the structure. Unstable construction led to one of the towers falling over, so we tied a string
                                around the tops of the skewers to hold the four towers in place.

                               While searching for something to flood the castle with, we came across a large bag of oyster crackers. We dumped it into the
center of the meaty masterpiece. During the consuming process, the crackers served as a snap back to reality away from the staggering amount of cooked bacon
and sausage.

This is the very recipe that we came up with on that day, Sunday, March 20, 2011. Use it well.
Meat Castle

Cook Time
2 Hours

5lb Bacon
4lb Ground Italian Sausage
4 Steaks
Oyster Crackers or another non-meat substance to flood with
Dry Rub
Sauce of choice

Cooking Directions
0. Preheat oven to 375 degrees
1. Weave bacon into four 4x4 weaves.
2. Place ground sausage onto each bacon weave, sprinkle on dry rub and roll into loaves.
3. Weave more bacon into a 7x7 strip weave. This is what will be used as the base for the castle.
4. Place ground sausage onto the bacon weave base. Make sure it is flat, as the entire castle will be resting
on it. Sprinkle on more dry rub.
5. Place bacon explosions and base on separate racks in an oven. Cook at 375 degrees for 1.5 hours.
6. Salt and pepper 4 steaks.
7. Fry in a pan until cooked through.
8. Cut steaks into strips. These will be used as bricks to build the walls of the castle.
9. Remove bacon explosions and bacon base from oven.
10. Using toothpicks to ensure stability, begin to build the walls of the castle. Do this by Sticking toothpicks
through the steak bricks and stacking them.
11. After the walls are complete, stick skewers through the centers of the bacon explosions. Stick one
bacon explosion at each corner of the walls. If necessary, tie a string around the top of the skewers to make
sure those glorious loves of meat don’t come crashing down.
12. Flood the center courtyard of your meat castle with oyster crackers or a suitable substitute.
13. Enjoy while the weak sit smugly, eating broccoli and shaking their heads at your stupidity.

The Results
A sense of accomplishment, coupled with a sense of nausea. A word of advice: If you’re going to make a
castle out of meat, make sure there are at least 5 willing participants to eat it.
8                                                                                Tuna Talk

The Room Houses Cinematic Delights, Mastery?
by Sir Patrick Francis DeVaul Orlando Quixote Yee, III
        I am personally shocked and amazed that more people have not heard of this gem.

        The Room is a drama about the relationship between Jonny -played by director/producer/
writer/star Tommy Wiseau - Johnny’s best friend Mark, and his iancée, Lisa. One day, Lisa decides
that she is “bored” with Johnny, and starts to have an affair with Mark.

                  This movie is clearly a masterpiece, from the acting to the dialogue to the story.
The plot is fairly simple and resembles that of a soap opera, so the differences make the film stand
head and shoulders above the rest. As he did the most work, Tommy Wiseau can be thanked for
the magnificence of this movie.

                 As a person, Wiseau, as even Entertainment Weekly describes him, is, “famously
mysterious.” The most mysterious part about him is his accent. Despite being born and raised
in America, he has a nearly incomprehensible “thick eastern European accent.” Although not
the most handsome man in film, he makes up for it by being an incredible actor. To the casual
viewer, his acting style may seem bizarre and completely uncalled for, but, as a man of the arts, I
know otherwise. His seemingly out of place inflexions and ability to both over-act and under-act,
sometimes simultaneously, are, in fact, simply reflections of the equally out of the ordinary plot.
For example, towards the end of the film, he releases this line, “I did not hit her, it’s not true! It’s
bullsh*t! I did not hit her! I did not. Oh, hey, Mark.” Life does not always happen as people expect
it to - why should this genius be restricted to using what plebeians call “good” acting? This leads
to one of the best characters in cinematic history, Johnny.

                  Johnny is a fascinating character, and one perfect to be played by the future
cinema legend, Wiseau. The unconventional acting style goes very well with lines such as, “That
son of a b*tch told me that I would get it within 3 months. I save them bundles. They’re crazy. I
don’t think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn’t keep their promise, they trick me and I
don’t care anymore.” Brilliant, simply brilliant. Johnny is a kind, hard-working man who has been
thrown into a situation beyond his control.

                 Of course, Johnny is not the only character in the film. One of the other main
characters is Johnny’s fiancée, Lisa. At the beginning of the film, she decides that she is bored
with Johnny, and has an affair with his best friend, Mark. The fact that Lisa is cheating on her
fiancée because she is bored may seem shallow, overdone, and the result of shoddy writing, but
it appears that way only to uncultured peons. Her behavior reflects the nature of most affairs.
Affairs are not simple or clear-cut; they should not be depicted as such.

         The third main character is Mark. I really would have loved to learn more about him, but because of the lack of scenes involving his back-story, we must
look to how he behaves to figure out what kind of person he is. Seeing his internal conflict between sex and his best friend is truly fascinating, and, like most
men, he chooses sex. This may sound sexist, but, in the film, women are depicted poorly as well, so it balances out. Although Johnny does not find out about the
affair until near the end of the movie, Mark, throughout the entire movie, slowly starts to cave in under the pressure of his lies and deceptions, turning to things
like drugs.

                 The storytelling is also spectacular. To some, many of the scenes seem to be repeats of previous scenes, while other scenes seem to be entirely
pointless, but to a cultured viewer, the truth is far beyond those uneducated beliefs. For instance, there are five separate scenes where Lisa’s mother walks in
and tells Lisa that she should love and marry Johnny, to which Lisa replies that she does not like Johnny anymore because he is boring. Just because what is
essentially the exact same scene is played several times does not mean that each scene is not important. The repetition may seem pointless to buffoons, but each
scene deepens the relationship, and solidifies how, and in what manner, Lisa is bored with Johnny.

        There are some things in this movie that some people would call “stupid” or “ridiculous.” These people are missing the deeper meaning behind scenes
such as one where most of the male characters put on tuxedos and promptly go play football in them. The scene has no dialogue that truly advances the plot, so
some may write it off as being pointless. This is not the case. The scene is a bold statement from Wiseau, satirizing the high salaries of the members of NFL by
suggesting that they play in suits. This is just one of several scenes that makes a bold, yet subtle statement.

          With non-conventional, yet amazing acting, a magnificently clever plot, and a bold, but unobtrusive message, The Room is a masterpiece that I would
recommend to anyone who loves quality cinema. There may be some who think the movie is total trash, but that is because they cannot appreciate the brilliance
of this film. I could go on even longer about the hidden splendor of this film, yet there is no way to fully convey its beauty. It must truly be seen to be believed.

Top Five iPhone Apps
    by Francesca Bennett
         Everybody knows that using apps is the best way to make the most of iPod Touches and
iPhones. There are apps for everything, from playing PacMan to simulating musical instruments. In my
search for the best apps pertaining to Roeper students, these five have jumped out as the most helpful
and fun.
         • iCheer - A handy tool that one can use in the middle of a Roeper sporting event, since roughly
10% of the school actually knows the official cheer. Features a word-by-word memorization tool for the
complicated chant, which includes mention of algebra, pi, and the Peloponnesian War.
         • Know Your Stuff - Do you know the Roeper philosophy or what it represents? I don’t! This
quality app will remind you of the school’s meaning when you can’t remember why you go here. In-
cludes word-by-word memorization tool for mastering the ideas of the school.
         • Qdoeper - A special program that allows only Roeper students to order their lunches from
Qdoba and have them delivered at the beginning of lunch. Simply select your meal and it will be deliv-
ered to the school at precisely the beginning of lunch. Burritos and Queso galore!
         • VirtualParents - A wonderful app that allows you to obtain a recording of your parents’ voice,
excusing you from school. This app can be used when you are actually sick, when you just don’t feel
like going, or when you’re faking illness. There are several choices for using this app, including: “My
child is sick,” “My child has a doctor’s appointment that will last all day,” and “My child is taking a men-
tal health day.” Simply call the attendance hotline and play the recording, which will be an exact match
to your guardian’s voice.
         • OpenSLC - Inspired by the restaurant reservation program OpenTable, this program reserves
one of the select seats in the SLC, right from your phone. The booking also includes a time slot, ranging
from two minutes to an entire block. The reservation is automatically transferred to the new SLC flat-
screen monitor, on which you can view the seating registration for the week. Whether you want to sit
on the new comfy couches or the lovely patterned chairs, OpenSLC completely eliminates the need for

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