Vol. XII, Issue IIII The Roeper School April 2011
Snow Days Spawn Extra School Days
by Breeana Blackmon
Students have missed days are going to be a hassle,”
more than three days this teacher Ted Appleton says.
school year due to snow, “I am not readjusting my
and, as a result, Roeper will schedule. It will be too much
remain in session for three work, especially since finals
extra days this June. will already be over, and I
“The last day of have plans to leave for Ohio
school has been moved from on June 8th.”
June 7 to June 10,” Campus Other faculty
Coordinator Anna Monaghan members think that the extra
says. days are the best way to
Both Head of School make up for lost time. For
Randall Dunn and Upper AP English teacher Mary Kay
School Director Lisa Baker Glazek, the extra days are a
feel that a few extra days of chance for her AP English
school won’t hurt anyone. In students to reread Emma.
addition, “Even though we’re “Kids are complaining that
a private school, we are still they have plans immediately
expected to have a certain following the last day of
number of school days each school, such as summer jobs
year,” Baker says. and vacations,” Glazek says,
“It’s not our fault “but nothing is as important
that we had so many snow as understanding Austen’s
days this year. We shouldn’t views on society.”
have to suffer as a result of It seems as though
the weather,” junior Shekinah these three snow days have
Hockenhull says. Senior thrown everyone’s plans off.
Akilah Russell agrees. “A few It looks like we’ll all have
extra days of school is not to hold out on recycling all
going to help anyone.” the old papers from class,
and burning textbooks this The Hill House - a vacant winter wonderland in January during one Snow Day. Administra-
Teachers have mixed summer, at least for three tors decided last week to extend the school year by three days as a result of school missed
emotions about the additional extra days. due to bad weather. Photo courtesy of Linda Vernon
school days. “ These extra
What the Puck? Hockey Comes to Roeper
by Elyse Lancaster
Basketball is the on,” he says. The power of mer, as a regular pool.
most popular winter sport having a Canadian hockey During the winter, how-
at Roeper. Heck, it’s the coach is truly magical. ever, the janitors could fill
only winter sport. Whether Statistics prove the pool and freeze it. Since
it be the Girls’ Junior Varsi- that having a coach that is it’s a frozen pool, and not a
ty team or the Boys’ Varsity actually Canadian improves frozen lake, the ice would
team, the school unites at the players’ ability to play already be flat and perfect,
almost every home game. hockey. “87.2% of players just like a real ice rink.
Although he is very proud who have a Canadian ice Though 2011-12
of his teams’ accomplish- hockey coach play better, Girls/Boys Hockey will
ments, Athletic Director and, most importantly, be the first season of ice
Ernie Righetti feels that it win!” Dr. Hockey himself, hockey at Roeper, it doesn’t
is time for a new league of Gordie Howe, says. mean that its team should
winter sports to rise. Though it is a very be underestimated. Both
“There is too much different sport than what Righetti and McIntosh are
focus on basketball,” he the school is used to, hock- really enthusiastic for this
says. “We need to start a ey will likely draw enough new project of theirs to get
whole new team, a differ- willing recruits, McIntosh started. McIntosh adds, “I
ent sport that we’ve never thinks. “There are a lot of can’t believe it’s taken this
done before.” Hockey is the 8th grade boys who are long to get a team togeth-
most popular winter sport hockey fans,” he says. He’s er.”
in Michigan. Why shouldn’t looking for students with a
Roeper have an awesome good sense of balance, not
ice hockey team? the clumsy type.
Instrumental Music Some people may
teacher Jason McIntosh ask where we are going
plans to be the first coach to play the home games,
for the new team. “It’s but the answer is obvi-
obvious that I was going ous. There’s the pool at
to be the coach; I mean, I the Lower School campus, Instrumental Music Director and Canadian Jason McIntosh, a man
was born with ice skates which is used, in the sum- born on ice skates, will coach Roeper’s hockey team. Lorenz Mager
Karen Johnson Qdoba Literature in Kochanowski’s The Devolution
Juggles To Closing 140 Characters Meat Castle of the RDA
The Top or Fewer
p. 2 p. 3 p. 4 p. 7 p. 6
2 Tuna Talk
Qdoba Wraps Up
by Francesca Bennett
The Qdoba Mexican Grill on Maple Road will be closing in
mid-May. Many students are devastated. “I am going to starve,” junior
Shekinah Hockenhull says. “I don’t know how to survive without my
chips and queso.”
The closing is the result of an incident that occurred in late
March. Just after closing on Friday, March 25, a man wearing a large
sombrero and a pantyhose mask broke into Qdoba using nothing but
a bobby pin. The Bobby Pin Bandito, as authorities are now calling
him, then proceeded to steal all of the flour and avocadoes in the store
while there were no employees present. While the Bandito loaded the
stolen goods onto his truck, the police responded to the alarm that was
triggered when the lock was broken. The Bandito dropped the flour
that he was carrying and ran, the police chasing him until they could
no longer see him across Adams Road. The reason for the attempted
burglary is unknown, as police have not yet been able to identify the
The Qdoba Corporation cannot afford to replace the two-year Qdoba Mexican Grill, a popular place to lunch among students, is now closed.
supply of flour and avocadoes damaged during the spree, because of recent Photo by Annie Leibowitz
financial problems caused by the recession. The incident also led to unforeseen
costs for the City of Birmingham: immediately following the incident, a a disco block that day so that Roeper students may attend the extravaganza
guacamole-type substance sprinkled with flour covered the entire section if they wish. Opening in the space currently occupied by Qdoba will be a
of Maple Road where Qdoba is located. This led to drivers complaining of natural health cafe, VegHead, which will serve only gluten-free, vegan meals.
green splash ruining their recent car washes, which the drivers demanded be The worry of lack of Mexican food in Roeper students’ diets has instigated the
refunded. The entire incident in total has cost the Birmingham Public Services Spanish teachers to create the Discovery of Mexican Cuisine Club, in which
Department about $1,200. members will travel once a week to a Mexican restaurant. If you would like
The Qdoba Corporation has supplied the store with enough supplies to join the DOMCC or have a restaurant suggestion for them, please contact
to last until Thursday, May 12th, when there will be a “Goodbye Qdoba Eulalia Ferrer or Sylvia Bell. If you have any information pertaining to the
Extravaganza,” with unlimited Queso and chips for all customers. There will be Bobby Pin Bandito, please contact the Birmingham police department.
Benigna’s Robot History Decoded
by Patrick Yee
With his monotone machinery, which, after fin- for granted, such as eating, have emotion, and atoms of the ordinary. “I remember
voice, his matter-of-fact ishing, she hands to Benigna, Benigna has to do completely do feel, and have wants and this one time I accidently cut
approach to teaching, and who puts it in his ear. The differently. “There is an algo- desires. He just didn’t under- an electrical cord. There were
seemingly mechanical behav- initial consensus of the Sci- rithm that makes me look like stand that, and so I asked him sparks all over, and he just
ior, it should be no surprise ence Department on Benigna I’m digesting food, but really, if he was a robot, and that’s calmly picked it up with his
that Chemistry teacher Jamie was positive, as Pence recalls. it’s harnessing the energy just kind of how bare hands.
Benigna is, in fact, a robot. “We were thrilled because it of the chemical bonds and it started,” she ex- It was so
Benigna is an experi- meant he could work 24/7 transferring it into electrical plains. However, cool! I guess,
ment made by Mensa Inter- without getting tired,” she energy,” he says, before a low her discovery looking back,
national, an organization of says with a smile. battery indicator starts flash- remained noth- that should
high-IQ individuals. The pur- For Benigna, the ing on his watch and he has ing more than a have made it
pose of the experiment was daunting task of teaching to excuse himself. vague suspicion obvious that
to see how well a robot could Chemistry to high school Although the science for most stu- something
teach. After a year, Mensa students actually comes department made a decision dents; although was up, but
International decided to end fairly naturally to him. “I to keep Benigna’s condition others joked I wasn’t re-
the experiment and retrieve wasn’t really programmed to a secret from the students, it about the idea ally thinking
Beningna, but a member do anything else,” Benigna certainly did not stop some of Benigna being about it,”
of the science department, says. “Being a robot comes from figuring it out. The first a robot, most Jerk says.
Linda Pence, stopped it. “We with several advantages for person who suspected Benig- assumed that he
convinced Mensa to let Jamie teaching, such as the ability na’s secret was senior Falynn was just a little
stay because we teach robot- to do lots of computations at Koppy, who still remembers eccentric.
ics here,” Pence says. “By hav- one time,” Benigna says. Also, the day clearly when she For-
ing a robot teacher in the real “the ability to just plug myself learned that Benigna was mer Chemistry
world, we were able to model in is handy.” not a homosapien. “It was student Herkimer
all of the different functions A problem that arises, probably around 10th grade,” Jerk had also
of a robot, so that students which is entirely different, Koppy says. “I had Intro noticed some
could see full application,” though not difficult, for Be- Chemistry with him. He never things were out
Pence adds, before return- nigna to solve, is keeping up shed a tear for my
ing to what she describes as human appearances. Many pleas for him to
“routine maintenance” on activities that human mem- understand that
a complex-looking piece of bers of the community take electrons do indeed
Tuna Talk Editor-In-Chief - Jeremy Gloster
Copy Editor - Kylee Weiss
Layout Editor/Photographer - Lorenz Mager
Francesca Bennett, Shekinah Hockenhull, Mohaymin Kadir, Ben Kochanowski, Elyse Lancaster, Ari Teitel, Kylee Weiss, Patrick Yee
Advisor - Linda Vernon
Tuna Talk 3
Johnson Juggles Job and Junk
by Mohaymin Kadir
Karen Johnson, the answer is, a Latin teacher, she was an
The most exhilarating
US Latin teacher, has many she is being uncertified, amateur juggler.
interesting hobbies and skills. outshone by Johnson preformed in places
She can understand many
languages, such as Latin, experience I ever had was trying Justin Bieber.
such as Siberia, Africa, on
top of a building, and also
Greek, French, Spanish, and
German. She is also a former to juggle underwater. I had to use son learns to
had a chance to showcase in
archaeologist, and figure
heavy metal balls to keep them ing animals, “The most exhilarat-
skater, but, did you know that Justin Bieber ing experience I ever had was
she is also a renowned jug-
gling wonder? from floating away. releases a
trying to juggle underwater. I
had to use heavy metal balls
Johnson started her
juggling journey in her pre- Latin Teacher Karen Johnson When John- son learns
to keep them from floating
away,” Johnson says.
teens, when she spent three to juggle Johnson stated that
summers in Siberia, work- feathers, an the most dangerous stunt
ing with the Great Juggalini. only resource she had avail- to start juggling. amazing feat, she ever preformed was an
Juggalini is a revered jug- able: small sled pups. Johnson is a master Justin Bieber makes a new attempt to juggle flaming
gler, who likes to work with “Growing up in North- juggler; she can juggle many movie. I think you see the knives while blindfolded.
dangerous tools and objects, ern Minnesota, my resources things, ranging from regular problem here. Johnson claimed she could’ve
such as flaming tools, heavy were limited. After I mastered balls to dangerous objects. Johnson says that pulled it off, but nobody
machinery, and even small juggling basic items, I had She can juggle up to 6 balls, juggling is in her blood, and, wanted to throw her the
rodents. nothing left to juggle but our and can also juggle, in addi- as a kid, she strived to be the knives because of legal issues.
During middle school, family’s sled dogs,” Johnson tion to sled dogs, feathers, world’s greatest extremist As you can see,
Johnson started her journey says. flaming tools, unicycles, and juggler, but she didn’t have Johnson is a woman of many
juggling scarves as practice. Although the sled even small swords. the time or money to fund talents.
Once she mastered that, she dogs she juggled were very One might ask, “If her way through college.
moved on to juggling balls. small, they still required Johnson has this much tal- Instead, she became a Latin
As soon as she mastered the much skill and practice, and ent, how come she isn’t all teacher at Roeper.
balls, she trained with the they were what inspired her over the media by now?” The Before Johnson was
Odabasi Avoids Deportation
By Seat of His Pants
by Breeana Blackmon
“Zieh deine Hosen Odabasi was also to leave, and has planned him to dissapear. Bronner’s
hoch!” “being too responsible to hide out somewhere in is a Christmas-themed store
in yearbook,” she says. Michigan until things cool roughly the size of two
These are the words Once Odabasi finished his down and the authorities give football fields, and is open
that senior Mete Odabasi final page in the class, she up looking for him. every day of the year except
chooses to ignore, and he is reported him to his student Christmas. He could hide
now getting deported because exchange program, American Odabasi has multiple easily among the thousands
of it. The phrase means “pull Field Service (AFS), as well as reasons for wanting to of Christmas decorations and
up your pants” in German to Customs. stay in America. One of Christmas presents, and, of
and, despite Student Life those reasons is his current course, this place is always
Coordinator Linda Vernon’s When told what girlfriend, junior Katie Saslow, swarming with eager children
constant warnings, Odabasi Odabasi had been up to, the who is rumored to be an and parents.
refused to do so. leaders at AFS were outraged. accomplice to his crimes.
Sagging his pants is a direct It is possible that Odabasi Odabasi is keeping
Vernon noticed that violation of rule number 53 is hiding in the Saslow his master plan as secret as
Mete was a sagger the very in the AFS rulebook, and his household, and there is also possible; not even Saslow
first week of school. At first, productivity is a violation of speculation that he may knows what he is going to do
she excused it because she rule number 79. AFS sent a be working at Bronner’s in in the end. Odabasi will go
wasn’t “sure if this was a letter to Odabasi and his host Frankenmuth, a town founded down in the history of The
German wardrobe custom.” parents, Mike and Michelle by a German missionary Roeper School as “the one
Since then, she has caught Lane, informing them that named Frederick Wyneken. who got away.”
him sagging on occasions he would have to return to
“too numerous to count.” She Germany within the next Although no one can
has now decided that she has month. confirm that Odabasi may LEFT: Senior Mete Odabasi
had enough. be working at Bronner’s, this discovers some pants that
Odabasi is refusing would be the perfect place for won’t sag.
Vernon Ejected After F-Bombing SLC
by Ben Kochanowski
Linda Vernon, creator reason for her hypocratical to students inside the room. Alia
and enforcer of the infamous and foul act, Vernon exclaims, Even when F-Bombers closed Raheem,
“no F-Bomb” rule, was es- “I dropped an F-bomb be- the door, isolating her from Vernon
corted out of the Student Life cause Gordie Fall ’06 ap- the chorus of laughter com- made
Center for profane language peared at my door again. It ing from inside, she refused one last the SLC raised an
early last week. was in context! Come on, you to back down and began to attempt to get herself back uproar, citing times they
can’t kick me out for that. pound on the glass, shouting into her sanctuary. had been kicked out and
The disgruntled and Give me another chance, I and creating a scene. not been granted permis-
argumentative Student Life promise I won’t say it again.” Eyes watering with sion to come back in early.
Coordinator was led from her “I had to communi- emotion, Vernon chokes out, Ultimately, after many
office into the Senior Hallway Fall, the infamous cate with students,” Vernon “I asked Alia if I could come tears were shed, Vernon was
by members of the “F-Bomb student whose face plastered spouted. “I couldn’t envision back early, and she was will- forced to do her time outside.
Squadron” (students who had Vernon’s office walls during being out in the hallways by ing, but the rest of the people
been previously kicked out of last year’s Senior Prank, had myself and not being able vetoed her decision.” To ensure that the
the SLC for their own profane decided to pay his old teacher to be in the room with my day was never forgotten, se-
language) after uttering the a visit. He is the only person peeps.” “I’ve never seen her nior Walter Johnson honored
very word she deems so vile to date to get an F-Bomb out so unhappy,” Raheem says. the fallen Student Life Coor-
and inappropriate. It was a of Vernon merely with his Even though Vernon’s “She let me back in a few dinator with her very own
humbling and humiliating presence. expulsion from the SLC was blocks early one day after F-Bomber, which is on display
experience for Vernon to be only to last 24 hours, she she had kicked me out, and on the dreaded and infamous
kicked out of her own room To make matters lacked the necessary coping I figured the least I could do SLC wall. That said, she joined
by the very people whom she worse for herself, Vernon re- mechanisms to come to terms was let her back in when she the ranks of all those whom
labeled foulmouths. fused to leave the doorway to with her banishment. Beg- was at her lowest.” she banished over the last
the SLC. She stood defiantly, ging and pleading with repeat year that day, and refuses to
When asked for the blocking traffic, and yelling F-Bomb offender and senior Students sitting in acknowledge its occurrence.
4 Tuna Talk
Glazek “Tweeches” New Generation
by Kylee Weiss
Literature is printed
on paper, not set in stone.
With the rise of virtual text –
online news sites, e-readers,
blogs – even this medium
has fallen by the wayside
for the easily-editable and/
or easily-accessible format
of the Internet or Kindle.
Upper School English teacher
Mary Kay Glazek realizes
that literary education must
evolve along with its subject,
in order to most effectively
reach the younger gen-
eration. Next year, she will
change the way in which she
teaches her classes, employ-
ing the new, experimental
“Tweet-A-Novel” method, first
developed by Mary Klages at
the University of Colorado.
Standard Short Story,
Satire, Shakespeare, and AP
English coursework will un-
dergo a 21st century make-
over, in which the content
of each book, short story,
sonnet, or play will consist
of no more than 140 charac-
ters. These tweet-sized texts
will often use texting slang,
or chatspeak, in order to
conserve space and meet this
requirement. “Some purists
might cry, ‘Sacrilege,’” Glazek
says, “but I’ve never been gular interpretation of a text he says. “Plus, it will be a lot Below are some example “novel-tweets”:
one to mind such moralistic just as there is no sanctity in easier following Mary Kay
ordinances.” a writer’s original, ‘authorial’ on Twitter instead of buying A Clockwork Orange: Let’s keep it skorry, O my brothers.
Glazek insists that design.” 20 books from the Roeper Viddy the sad state of affairs in today’s vonny world. A widdle
the Tweet-A-Novel method Student reactions Bookstore.” baby like couldn’t keep out of the cal.
doesn’t set out to “dumb- to Glazek’s decision have While students
down” the material it ad- ranged from disbelief to enrolling in Glazek’s classes Macbeth: Men, wmn, birds, n blud. Fair is fowl and fowl is
dresses; rather, it hopes to delight. Senior Duncan Burns next year will experience a fair lol.
explore more deeply the lim- objects to the revamping of drop in expense, they won’t
its and capabilities of narra- such classics as Alexander find any decrease in aca- “The mirror stage as formative of the function of the I as re-
tive, removed from historical Pope’s The Rape of the Lock demic rigor. “Students will
vealed in psychoanalytic experience”: Bb sees itself in mirror,
context and form. “Postmod- lil lack, lil jubilance. Good or bad, “ego” 4med 4ever.
and Jane Austen’s Emma. “Es- still have to make reading
ern theory emphasizes the pecially Emma,” Burns says. notes,” Glazek says. Though
lack of a text’s self-contained Emma: Hartfield, Randalls, Donwell Abbey. Woodhouse,
“’Hartfield, Randalls, Donwell there will be less text to Fairfax, Churchill. ASL?
totality,” Glazek says. “By Abbey. Woodhouse, Fairfax, work with, “The hope is that
putting the works of Shake- Churchill. ASL?’ simply does shorter texts will result in
speare, Kafka, Austen, etc.
“A Good Man is Hard to Find”: Determined to road trip it,
not capture the book’s love more students actually doing even tho Gramma won’t shut up. Only 1 crummy diner. Now
into tweeting, we’re using of language.” Junior Gavin the reading,” she mutters. the car’s broken. FML. Wait, there’s a guy coming to help.
[Roland] Barthes’ concept of Buckley disagrees. “It’s an
the Death of the Author,” she exercise in postmodernism,”
continues. “There is no sin-
King’s Inconvenient Truth Exposed
by Ari Teitel
Physics teacher hostile towards Democrats, proved my points.” bumper stickers in common George W. Bush.”
Dennis King has been sharing which led me to believe now.”
a convenient lie – he is not that he was trying to cover When asked why King still voted
actually conservative, and something up.” he attended the rally, King King eventually for Bush after the former
is, in fact, a closeted Al Gore says, “When I drove through revealed the truth, “Originally, president fell for King’s
supporter. Junior Ryne While King Detroit, I decided that I had my IQ score was 60. When weight loss scam, in which
Murray found King at an Al was absent from school been traveling at too high of Aparna Ananth was my he told people that if they
Gore rally in Hart Plaza on visiting his home in the a velocity, so I parked near student, I gained some of did not lose weight from his
April 13th. Upper Peninsula, students Hart Plaza. I took a walk her smart atoms and my IQ program, he would multiply
rummaged through his file and ended up being in the rose to 80. In addition to their investment by ten. He
King raises cabinets and found a copy of middle of Gore’s rally.” King’s gaining smart atoms, I gained sent Bush to the moon, and
conservative and anti-Liberal An Inconvenient Truth on Blu- students know that his story Aparna’s liberal atoms.” since the gravity constant is
rhetoric in his classes, much Ray Disc. After rumors spread is false, based on fictitious lower on the moon, Bush lost
of it considered extreme by that King had a copy of Gore’s stories that he tells during Ananth was not weight, even though he did
students. Junior Erik Burbulla film, students from his sixth class. Though King denies King’s student until 2006, so not lose any body mass.
says, “Dennis will be in the block class were convinced that he went to Detroit for Dennis did not have enough
middle of a lecture, and then that they could find more the purpose of seeing Al liberal atoms to vote for King has since
he’ll randomly regurgitate Al Gore paraphernalia. Gore, several liberal students Gore at the time of the 2000 changed his media
information that he heard and Burbulla found a rolled up say that they witnessed presidential election. “I wish allegiances to CNN and
saw on Fox News the night commemorative poster from him cheering for Gore and I had watched An Inconvenient MSNBC from Fox News. “It’s
before.” Gore’s visit to Hart Plaza in wearing an Obama T-shirt. Truth earlier,” King says. a little weird to see Dennis
the backseat of King’s car. “Sadly, Aparna didn’t show quoting Anderson Cooper
“I always had my “Dennis was full me the movie until 2007. instead of Bill O’Reilly and
suspicions,” Republican and “When I found out of excitement at the rally,” I would have donated the Sean Hannity,” Burbulla says.
former King student Jim that Dennis went to the rally, Murray says. “I’m pretty millions of dollars that I made “I think he’s a happier person
Smith says. “He seemed to be I went bonkers,” Burbulla sure that if I cite Al Gore in from my weight loss company now.”
trying a little too hard to be says. “I had my suspicions my next paper, I’ll get an A. to his campaign, and he
a Republican. He was overly about him too, and his actions Dennis and I have a lot of would’ve been able to beat
Tuna Talk 5
Larry and the Biebs
by Shekinah Hockenhull
The teen heartthrob Justin Bieber is being deemed
a swagger-jacker by 11th grader Lorenz Mager.
Bieber and Mager have a definite resemblance, and
have often been mistaken for each other.
For years, Mager has had his own individual style,
and took pride in his uniqueness. When Justin Bieber
hit the scene, for Mager, it was like seeing himself
everywhere. Mager claims that Bieber is Facebook-
stalking him, because that is the only way to explain
the distinct similarities. He thinks that it is unfortu-
nate that Bieber feels the need to be just like him.
Bieber even went as far as taking Mager’s long-
time girlfriend, Selena Gomez, who is the star of the
Disney Channel show Wizards of Waverley Place. How-
ever, Mager says that he is over the situation. “She’s
a cougar. She keeps progressing to younger and
The Tuna Talk staff is convinced that Justin Bieber
is not a “swagger-jacker,” but that he and Mager are
the same person. It’s all a cover up so that Mager can
experience the ‘Best of Both Worlds’.
Mager says that he was born in Germany, but, who
knows, they could have been separated at birth.
Are Lorenz Mager and Justin Bieber the same
person? You decide.
Lewis Kills “Your’ Average Joe”
by Ari Teitel
“Caked Out Pretty which accounts for seven per- to cheer him up through her book to tell him
Boi”, “Hyped Out Philly Dilly” cent of his friends. However, flirty Facebook chat messag- to bring some
and “Your’Average Joe” are Lewis originally intended es, so he went soul searching. food because
long gone. Senior Duriajaiye for 500 people to ‘like’ the “I was insecure,” Lewis says. he was always
Lewis changed his Facebook picture, so he slipped into de- “I just wanted attention, and changing his
name back to his real name pression. He even had to start none of the ladies gave me name,” Vernon
yesterday. a new Facebook page because attention in the right ways. I says. “I’m also
His new profile pic- he had too many friends on just want to have intelligent proud of him for
ture does not show any skin, his original account. conversations with them, I realizing that the
and he did not take the pic- Lewis feels that he is don’t like flirting. Also, col- pictures of his
ture with his own cellphone. constantly attacked by girls. leges could see my pictures, abs are imma-
“I buy so many clothes, so I One of Kisses’s friends, Givinq so I decided to clean up my ture. Colleges
figured I could wear some of Huggz, sends Lewis Facebook act.” look at that stuff.”
them in my profile pictures,” messages every day. Mes- “Duriajaiye’s use of “Even
Lewis says. “I have so much sages such as, “Why you so alternative Facebook names though I changed
swag that I don’t even need to damn sexy?” and “Text me might have had to do with my Facebook
take shirtless pictures any- some pictures of your abs,” self-confidence issues, so it’s name, my swag
more. My fashion is dope!” are sent regularly. good to see that his confi- will never
Lewis is afraid that “It’s like I’m an item,” dence level is back up,” psy- change,” Lewis
his Facebook account attracts Lewis says. “I don’t even feel chologist Reanne Young says. says. “I’ll always
too much attention. “I’m tired like a person anymore be- “He doesn’t need Kisses to look better than
of the popularity,” Lewis says. cause of all the random girls console him. It’s up to himself everyone else at
“All these girls like my pic- that are messaging me. They to make changes.” school.”
tures, and I don’t even know should like me for who I am, Lewis’s homeroom
who most of them are.” Lewis not what I am. ‘Your’Average teacher, Linda Vernon, is
says that he has not even met Joe’ is done with this!” proud of Duriajaiye’s change.
his Facebook girlfriend, Blow- As Lewis slipped “When it was Duriajaiye’s Gone are the days of senior Duriajaiye Lewis
inq Kisses. 350 people ‘like’ deeper into depression, he re- turn to bring in snack, I “hanging loose” on Facebook. Photo courtesy of
one of his profile pictures, alized that Kisses was unable couldn’t find him on Face- Duriajaiye Lewis
6 Tuna Talk
Carozza Creeps On Anime Club
by Patrick Yee
At the beginning Club is conspiring to change or members, if you will, Neither club has re- situ-
of the year, the Anime Club the result of the final fight be- that we’ve gotten together vealed their roster. The two ation
announced it was up and tween Bruce & Chuck, pos- through our love of a certain teams’ strategies on the other are too
running and looking for new sibly by allowing Chuck to form of cinematography, hand have been revealed to nu-
members. That was the last emerge victorious. This is and have expanded on that.” some extent, and both plan merous
that anyone heard of it. Just the secret we intend to reveal. Torres declined to answer on making what on paper to list,
what is the Anime Club do- We also intend to stop them any more specific questions. looks like a match of physi- but one
ing? The faculty advisor of from committing this sacri- He also neither denies nor cality, into a battle of wits. of the big-
the Roughrider Martial Arts lege; Bruce must win at all confirms that the Anime Club “Our manner of gaining intel- gest ques-
Club Regis Carozza is con- costs,” Carozza adds. has a secret. ligence would make it so that tion marks
vinced that it has a secret, Carozza says that he The group has done we would be able to foresee is Johnson
and he has challenged the learned of the secret from the very little publicly. It has any and all plans that may or and what her
Anime Club to reveal it. ninja spies he had placed in never put up a poster or had may not have been plotted,” role will be.
“[The Martial Arts the organization long before an announcement or held Torres says. Neither John-
Club] believes that the Anime he ‘discovered’ the Anime a fundraiser. The group Carozza is not con- son nor Tor-
Club is in the process of mak- Club’s secret. Although he re- meetings are organized and cerned by such prospects, res would
ing a feature-length anime fuses to reveal the identity of scheduled entirely by word of “because we have planted comment on
movie based on Bruce Lee’s the spy, there are a few possi- mouth between the members. ninja spies in our own organi- her role in
The Way of the Dragon,” Caro- bilities of who he or she could Very few know what the club zation,” he explains. He also the club.
zza says. “Near the end of be. Senior Emily Henderson, does behind the closed doors intends on gathering informa- “I expect
the real movie, Bruce defeats the Anime Club’s Vice Presi- of the clubroom. “My sense tion. “We have planted Ninja to play my
and kills Chuck Norris in dent, is always carrying a is that it’s mysterious,” faculty spies throughout their organi- typical
single suspiciously heavy backpack advisor of the Anime Club zation. We know what those stealth
com- that could be full of recording Karen Johnson says. Further Anime people are thinking role,”
bat. We equipment. Anime Club investigation reveals that she before they themselves even John-
believe member freshman Angel and Torres have maintained know what they are thinking,” son
that the Hall filled out a sheet an open channel of commu- Carozza says. says.
Anime expressing desire to join nication. When confronted Carozza was also What
the Martial Arts Club. with the evidence, she simply willing to reveal the type of this entails is unknown.
Of course, we cannot chuckled and left without say- fighting style, or rather lack When asked about her
rule out the possibility ing a word. thereof, he plans on using. motivations, she vehemently
that there is a ninja hid- The challenge be- “We won’t get too hung up denied that they involved the
ing in the Anime Club’s tween the Anime Club and on any particular ‘style’ of fact that, she teaches Latin, a
room. Carozza refuses the Martial Arts is set to take fighting. Like Bruce [Lee language of vital importance
to admit why he placed place out on the soccer field says], ‘All fixed set patterns to the time period Carozza
ninja spies in the Anime shortly before Final exams. are incapable of adaptabil- talks about. She also denies
Club or if there were The rules will be simple: there ity or pliability. The truth is that her motivations involve
ninja spies in other groups, will be five one-on-one fights. outside of all fixed patterns.’ the small photo of Chuck Nor-
but his sinister grin implies The group that wins the most We’ll use whatever works, ris she keeps in her wallet.
otherwise. matches will be declared the but we’ll attempt to do it in a
The current leader of winner. Carozza has made it Roeperian fashion,” Carozza
the Anime Club, senior Chris clear that, if his team wins, he says. Torres, on the other
Torres, was not too difficult to will force the Anime Club to hand, will not say anything
Carozza unleashes some heat contact, but getting a com- reveal its big secret. No one about the actual fighting style
in a battle with senior doodle plete answer from him was. knows what the Anime Club he and the rest of the club
Chris Torres. Photo and Torres describes the Anime will do if it wins and Torres will be using.
illustration by Lorenz Mager Club as “a group of friends, did not say either. The wild-cards in this
Health Department Closes Scuzzy Life Center
by Elyse Lancaster
The SLC will be couch’s a simple tarp, bugs and
closing on April 30th 2011. gaping mites that the couches had
The school administration abyss. gotten from the outdoors
has decided to close down the Recently had transferred from the
Student Life Center because seniors couches to the Student Life
of its numerous health and Duncan Center carpet. Finally, after
safety code violations. For Burns, the couches were reportedly
many months, there have Griffin cleaned, a student hit one of
been multiple students that Dennis, and the couches to see whether
have complained about juniors Ben or not it actually was. “It
injuries caused by the Silverman, was really gross, there was
furniture in the SLC (e.g. and Lorenz a bunch of dust…I don’t
getting splinters from the Mager think that the couches were
splitting wood of the chairs, replaced that cleaned all that well,” senior
falling through the broken death trap of Walter Johnson says.
section of one of the green a couch with
couches, getting sucked into a couple of Because of the SLC’s
the old beige couch, etc.), or couches that shutting its doors, many
the nauseating smell from the had been students are going to have
carpets. As this is a favored thrown to to find a new safe hang-out
room by the students, where the curb by place. After the room, let
they can just sit, chill, talk to a nearby alone the couches, is cleaned,
their friends, and do some family. and health and safety codes
homework, many students are up to date, students will
are upset. then be allowed to reenter
Before the close, the SLC was so dirty that you could barely see through the dust The two the room.
The school has made Photo by Lorenz Mager couches sat
efforts to start to make the in the SLC
room better for the students Getting rid of the beige couch longer shall unsuspecting for many days without being
who frequently visit it. has helped quite a bit. No students disappear into the cleaned. Only covered by
obvious and subtle, and try not to take anything printed in this issue too seriously. We’re just kidding.
fun at the people with whom we spend our days and ourselves. We hope that you enjoy the humor, both
such as “accuracy,” and “truth.” Instead, we’ve created another April issue in homage to the Onion, poking
Disclaimer: as you may have noticed, the articles in this issue don’t hold to the usual journalistic standards,
Tuna Talk 7
RDA Leaves Heirloom Stapler Case Ajar
by Mohaymin Kadir
Do you remember the stapler Michigan. “The stapler isn’t like any oth- Appleton’s stapler is a black
you got from your dad when you Appleton then took the er stapler in the school, it shouldn’t be Swingline stapler. It has a little patch
were five? Of course you don’t, but stapler to all of his jobs. It was with hard to find. My stapler is dead black, where the stapler says Swingline in
history teacher Ted Appleton does, him as he taught at a school in Con- what else do you need?” Appleton, white letters. If you do find any infor-
and it is now missing. necticut, and while he was coaching said. mation, or see a stapler that might be
Appleton’s stapler was origi- college baseball. Appleton assumes that the Appleton’s, please tell him or the RDA.
nally his dad’s. When he was 5 years When Appleton came here to teach stapler has something to do with The search for the stapler has been
old, his dad bestowed the stapler at Roeper, he brought his stapler sophomore Jack Murray, and when going on for about 4 months now,
upon him. Appleton took the stapler with him. Unfortunately, after about the RDA questioned him, he also gave and still no luck. Hopefully, a faith-
with him everywhere. He kept it with a year of teaching here, someone it a ridiculous, and true, lead. ful Roeparian will see the stapler and
him throughout elementary school stole it. The heart-broken Appleton “I had Appleton’s stapler, but speak up.
and high school. didn’t know what to do, until he saw a I put it in some Jell-O to cook it. I took
Appleton kept the stapler Roeper Detective Agency flyer. it out after I made the Jell-O, and I put [In all seriousness, funny as it is, ev-
with him even in Cleveland. It then When the members of the it in Appleton’s room,” Murray says. erything Appleton said above is true.
went to Cincinnati with him and, after RDA heard about the job, they were The RDA received many false If you know any information, please,
that, when Appleton went to college, on the case. Unfortunately, they alarms that Appleton’s black stapler speak up.]
Columbia University in New York. The weren’t given any good leads, the first has been spotted. After talking to
stapler has also been to Connecticut, of which they received from Appleton Appleton a second time, it finally got
Pennsylvania, and, finally, here in himself. the details.
Ben’s Meat ‘N’ Greet
This Month: Steaks Are High in Castle Constuction
by Ben Kochanowski
They say a man’s home is his castle. Just in time for spring, comes the heartburn-inducing, time-consuming, artery-clogging,
over-the-top and disgusting Meat Castle. This is a man’s castle.
First conceived by three high school students, fellow junior Lorenz Mager, senior Griffin Dennis, and I, the Meat Castle was cre-
ated for the purpose of topping the famed “Bacon Explosion” (Bacon and Italian Sausage wrapped in bacon) by using even more
bacon, more sausage, and a new meat: steak. As a homage to the original Explosion, four miniature Explosions were used as tow-
ers of the castle.
We convened at the Dennis household to plan our masterpiece. After drawing out blueprints on graph paper and creating a
shopping list, we set off for Kroger in search of bacon. After eyeing the dismal selection of steaks in the meat department, we
decided to take a trip to Papa Joe’s for some higher-grade meat.
When we returned, we began the preparations. Food service trays were used to support the base, as well as to hold the four
miniature Bacon Explosions that would go above it into the oven. After making our castle towers, we wove the base together with
bacon strips, covered it in sausage, and set it in the oven.
While the nine pounds of meat baked in the oven, we seasoned our steaks and cooked them outside. By the time all four were
done, it was time to take the base and towers out of the oven. We allowed these to sit while we cut the steaks into bricks, and then
set about building the walls of our castle.
Using toothpicks as skewers, we constructed walls on our meat base. After it was finished, we skewered the Explosions and stuck
them into the base at each corner of the structure. Unstable construction led to one of the towers falling over, so we tied a string
around the tops of the skewers to hold the four towers in place.
While searching for something to flood the castle with, we came across a large bag of oyster crackers. We dumped it into the
center of the meaty masterpiece. During the consuming process, the crackers served as a snap back to reality away from the staggering amount of cooked bacon
This is the very recipe that we came up with on that day, Sunday, March 20, 2011. Use it well.
4lb Ground Italian Sausage
Oyster Crackers or another non-meat substance to flood with
Sauce of choice
0. Preheat oven to 375 degrees
1. Weave bacon into four 4x4 weaves.
2. Place ground sausage onto each bacon weave, sprinkle on dry rub and roll into loaves.
3. Weave more bacon into a 7x7 strip weave. This is what will be used as the base for the castle.
4. Place ground sausage onto the bacon weave base. Make sure it is flat, as the entire castle will be resting
on it. Sprinkle on more dry rub.
5. Place bacon explosions and base on separate racks in an oven. Cook at 375 degrees for 1.5 hours.
6. Salt and pepper 4 steaks.
7. Fry in a pan until cooked through.
8. Cut steaks into strips. These will be used as bricks to build the walls of the castle.
9. Remove bacon explosions and bacon base from oven.
10. Using toothpicks to ensure stability, begin to build the walls of the castle. Do this by Sticking toothpicks
through the steak bricks and stacking them.
11. After the walls are complete, stick skewers through the centers of the bacon explosions. Stick one
bacon explosion at each corner of the walls. If necessary, tie a string around the top of the skewers to make
sure those glorious loves of meat don’t come crashing down.
12. Flood the center courtyard of your meat castle with oyster crackers or a suitable substitute.
13. Enjoy while the weak sit smugly, eating broccoli and shaking their heads at your stupidity.
A sense of accomplishment, coupled with a sense of nausea. A word of advice: If you’re going to make a
castle out of meat, make sure there are at least 5 willing participants to eat it.
8 Tuna Talk
The Room Houses Cinematic Delights, Mastery?
by Sir Patrick Francis DeVaul Orlando Quixote Yee, III
I am personally shocked and amazed that more people have not heard of this gem.
The Room is a drama about the relationship between Jonny -played by director/producer/
writer/star Tommy Wiseau - Johnny’s best friend Mark, and his iancée, Lisa. One day, Lisa decides
that she is “bored” with Johnny, and starts to have an affair with Mark.
This movie is clearly a masterpiece, from the acting to the dialogue to the story.
The plot is fairly simple and resembles that of a soap opera, so the differences make the film stand
head and shoulders above the rest. As he did the most work, Tommy Wiseau can be thanked for
the magnificence of this movie.
As a person, Wiseau, as even Entertainment Weekly describes him, is, “famously
mysterious.” The most mysterious part about him is his accent. Despite being born and raised
in America, he has a nearly incomprehensible “thick eastern European accent.” Although not
the most handsome man in film, he makes up for it by being an incredible actor. To the casual
viewer, his acting style may seem bizarre and completely uncalled for, but, as a man of the arts, I
know otherwise. His seemingly out of place inflexions and ability to both over-act and under-act,
sometimes simultaneously, are, in fact, simply reflections of the equally out of the ordinary plot.
For example, towards the end of the film, he releases this line, “I did not hit her, it’s not true! It’s
bullsh*t! I did not hit her! I did not. Oh, hey, Mark.” Life does not always happen as people expect
it to - why should this genius be restricted to using what plebeians call “good” acting? This leads
to one of the best characters in cinematic history, Johnny.
Johnny is a fascinating character, and one perfect to be played by the future
cinema legend, Wiseau. The unconventional acting style goes very well with lines such as, “That
son of a b*tch told me that I would get it within 3 months. I save them bundles. They’re crazy. I
don’t think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn’t keep their promise, they trick me and I
don’t care anymore.” Brilliant, simply brilliant. Johnny is a kind, hard-working man who has been
thrown into a situation beyond his control.
Of course, Johnny is not the only character in the film. One of the other main
characters is Johnny’s fiancée, Lisa. At the beginning of the film, she decides that she is bored
with Johnny, and has an affair with his best friend, Mark. The fact that Lisa is cheating on her
fiancée because she is bored may seem shallow, overdone, and the result of shoddy writing, but
it appears that way only to uncultured peons. Her behavior reflects the nature of most affairs.
Affairs are not simple or clear-cut; they should not be depicted as such.
The third main character is Mark. I really would have loved to learn more about him, but because of the lack of scenes involving his back-story, we must
look to how he behaves to figure out what kind of person he is. Seeing his internal conflict between sex and his best friend is truly fascinating, and, like most
men, he chooses sex. This may sound sexist, but, in the film, women are depicted poorly as well, so it balances out. Although Johnny does not find out about the
affair until near the end of the movie, Mark, throughout the entire movie, slowly starts to cave in under the pressure of his lies and deceptions, turning to things
The storytelling is also spectacular. To some, many of the scenes seem to be repeats of previous scenes, while other scenes seem to be entirely
pointless, but to a cultured viewer, the truth is far beyond those uneducated beliefs. For instance, there are five separate scenes where Lisa’s mother walks in
and tells Lisa that she should love and marry Johnny, to which Lisa replies that she does not like Johnny anymore because he is boring. Just because what is
essentially the exact same scene is played several times does not mean that each scene is not important. The repetition may seem pointless to buffoons, but each
scene deepens the relationship, and solidifies how, and in what manner, Lisa is bored with Johnny.
There are some things in this movie that some people would call “stupid” or “ridiculous.” These people are missing the deeper meaning behind scenes
such as one where most of the male characters put on tuxedos and promptly go play football in them. The scene has no dialogue that truly advances the plot, so
some may write it off as being pointless. This is not the case. The scene is a bold statement from Wiseau, satirizing the high salaries of the members of NFL by
suggesting that they play in suits. This is just one of several scenes that makes a bold, yet subtle statement.
With non-conventional, yet amazing acting, a magnificently clever plot, and a bold, but unobtrusive message, The Room is a masterpiece that I would
recommend to anyone who loves quality cinema. There may be some who think the movie is total trash, but that is because they cannot appreciate the brilliance
of this film. I could go on even longer about the hidden splendor of this film, yet there is no way to fully convey its beauty. It must truly be seen to be believed.
Top Five iPhone Apps
by Francesca Bennett
Everybody knows that using apps is the best way to make the most of iPod Touches and
iPhones. There are apps for everything, from playing PacMan to simulating musical instruments. In my
search for the best apps pertaining to Roeper students, these five have jumped out as the most helpful
• iCheer - A handy tool that one can use in the middle of a Roeper sporting event, since roughly
10% of the school actually knows the official cheer. Features a word-by-word memorization tool for the
complicated chant, which includes mention of algebra, pi, and the Peloponnesian War.
• Know Your Stuff - Do you know the Roeper philosophy or what it represents? I don’t! This
quality app will remind you of the school’s meaning when you can’t remember why you go here. In-
cludes word-by-word memorization tool for mastering the ideas of the school.
• Qdoeper - A special program that allows only Roeper students to order their lunches from
Qdoba and have them delivered at the beginning of lunch. Simply select your meal and it will be deliv-
ered to the school at precisely the beginning of lunch. Burritos and Queso galore!
• VirtualParents - A wonderful app that allows you to obtain a recording of your parents’ voice,
excusing you from school. This app can be used when you are actually sick, when you just don’t feel
like going, or when you’re faking illness. There are several choices for using this app, including: “My
child is sick,” “My child has a doctor’s appointment that will last all day,” and “My child is taking a men-
tal health day.” Simply call the attendance hotline and play the recording, which will be an exact match
to your guardian’s voice.
• OpenSLC - Inspired by the restaurant reservation program OpenTable, this program reserves
one of the select seats in the SLC, right from your phone. The booking also includes a time slot, ranging
from two minutes to an entire block. The reservation is automatically transferred to the new SLC flat-
screen monitor, on which you can view the seating registration for the week. Whether you want to sit
on the new comfy couches or the lovely patterned chairs, OpenSLC completely eliminates the need for