The last thing I ever thought I’d do was write a book on divorce.
When I was married, I felt that what divorcing families went
through was very personal and private. When, after eleven years
of marriage, I began to go through the overwhelming process of
divorce myself, the idea that I might give anyone practical instruction
on how to get through divorce intact would have seemed
absurd to me. Every morning I would tell myself, “Today is going
to be different.” But each day was just another variation of the
day before. Carpooling my three young children to programs and
school. Making sure they got their hugs and kisses. Racing frantically
from work to errands to meetings with my lawyer. Tumbling
into bed, exhausted, and waking up a few hours later with any
prospects of further sleep drowned out by a symphony of fear,
anger, and overwhelming frustration.
Remember the famous T. S. Eliot poem “The Love Song of J.
Alfred Prufrock,” in which the narrator laments measuring out his
life with coffee spoons? I measured out my life with cuts acquired
from the piles of paper that were taking over my life. Financial
papers. Separation papers. Slips of paper with names I’d scribbled
down from newspaper articles about divorce lawyers who had
helped their clients “win.” A paper trail of emotional letters to
I thought that if I took care of all these papers without spending
too much time on their content, I could get through the divorce process faster. But no matter how quickly I turned the pages to keep our lives moving forward, the emotion—and expenses—just kept piling up. When would I finally reach the new chapter of our lives—the one where, as a divorced family, we all lived happily ever after?
I was trying to do everything right. So why wasn’t the outcome better? After all, I was a good mother. I had wonderful children and a supportive and lovely cast of family and friends. And hadn’t I been responsible by making a relatively quick decision to hire the lawyer I’d set up a meeting with? Wasn’t I brave and mature by bottling up my emotions and venting about my divorce only to my lawyer instead of to my friends?
I thought that the way to survive a divorce was to just get through it. I thought I could sidestep the feelings of loss and grief. Wasn’t I supposed to just trust my lawyer and the courts to make decisions that were fair? And wasn’t I ultimately striving to get myself and my family back on the same path as all the intact families around us? That was the right way to divorce, wasn’t it? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
It took me seven years to close my divorce file. Most divorces are not this long and drawn out. If I knew then what I know now, I could have shaved a few years off my own divorce journey and saved a significant amount of money. But the experience enriched my own knowledge of divorce, and it inspired me to seek out the very best and brightest divorce lawyers, family therapists, financial advisers, and other experts in North America. Through this book, I’ll share with you my own hard-learned lessons, and I’ll relay insights and tips from a very special divorce advisory team.
Writing this book has been an incredible journey of understanding. While it was difficult, I have loved every moment of it. I hope this book inspires confidence in you so you can get through this transition. I also want to show you how you can save time, money, and your skin in the process.
Make no mistake. Divorce is hard work....
Deborah Moskovitch (Author)
Deborah Moskovitch is the creator and facilitator of The Smart Divorce, a consulting service that provides tools and strategies for individuals contemplating or going through divorce. She has been divorced for 10 years and conducts workshops to help others through theirs. She lives in Toronto, Ontario.