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					            Unicorn Boy
“If I Could Talk to the Furniture”

                by
          Joseph Nellis
                                                          2

INT. DWAYNE’S ROOM – MORNING

Dwayne is getting things ready to leave for school when the
phone rings once. Then again.

                           DWAYNE
               Kev can you get the phone.
               (phone continues to ring)
               Kev! The phone is ringing!

                          UNCLE KEV
               I will not answer the phone until
               you say it.

                           DWAYNE
               Kev! The phone!

                          UNCLE KEV
               I’m sorry I don’t know who
               you are talking to. There
               isn’t a Kev here.

                           DWAYNE
               Prick!

Dwayne walks out of the room and continues to where the
phone is. Kev is standing right next to it.

                       DWAYNE(cont’d)
               Don’t trouble yourself Kev, I’ve
               got the phone. I don’t want you to
               interrupt what ever you are doing.

Dwayne reaches for the phone but Kev quickly snatches it up.

                          UNCLE KEV
               K-Dog here. What’s the happs?
                    (beat)
               Yeah he’s here.
                    (beat)
               No he’s grounded.

                           DWAYNE
               What! Who is that? Is it Perry?
               Give me the phone.
                                                         3

Dwayne grabs the phone from Kev.

                          UNCLE KEV
               You’re grounded.

                           DWAYNE
               Go to hell!
               (into the phone)
               Hello.

                    PERRY OVER THE PHONE
               Monkey Balls!

                           DWAYNE
               Okay.

                           PERRY
               I’m screwed Dwayne. I’m not ready
               for the test today. I didn’t study
               at all. There was a marathon of
               Bruce Campbell movies on Sci-Fi
               last night.

                           DWAYNE
               Oh I see. What are you going to do?

                            PERRY
               I don’t know!

                          DWAYNE
               I could help you out when we get
               on the bus and some more before
               class.

                            PERRY
               Yeah I guess that will help some.
               I’m still screwed though.

INT. SCHOOLBUS – MORNING

Dwayne and Perry are sitting in the front of the bus right
behind the bus driver. This is because the bus driver
thinks Dwayne is a special needs student.

                           DWAYNE
               And I think that       can   get   you
               through the test.
                                                         4



                            PERRY
               Ok good. Only I wasn’t paying
               attention to anything you were
               saying. I was thinking about how
               cool Bruce Campbell is.

                           DWAYNE
               Then you need a miracle.

Just as Dwayne says that a truck loaded with a shipment of
Miracle DVDs pulls out in front of the bus.

                       STUDENT ON BUS
               Oh my god we’re going to hit that
               truck carrying a new shipment of
               Miracle DVD’s!

                     ANOTHER KID ON BUS
               Not the true story of Herb Brooks,
               the player-turned-coach who led
               the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team
               to victory over the seemingly
               invincible Russian squad!

                       EVERYONE ON BUS
               Ahhhhhhhhh!

The bus crashes into the truck.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – MORNING

                             DWAYNE
               Well   that    was   a   real   ironic
               experience.

                            PERRY
               Yeah, and nobody got killed. Well
               except for Sam.

                           DWAYNE
               Yeah poor Sam.

                             PERRY
               (beat)
               Hey! Maybe now the test will be
               canceled. I really hope so because
                                                        5

                          PERRY (cont’d)
               I hit my head in that crash and
               I’ve got a killer head ache.

INT. CLASSROOM – MORNING

                           TEACHER
               Due to the unfortunate event this
               morning   you   may  be  wondering
               what’s going to happen with the
               test. Well I’ve decided to move it
               to… EMEDIATLY! You thought you got
               off didn’t you? No such luck
               monsters!

                           DWAYNE
               But Sam died sir.

                           TEACHER
               Yeah and he’s going to fail. Death
               equals fail, it’s simple math.
               Anyone   can   figure   that   out.
               Alright, enough talking, here’s
               the test begin when you get one.

                           STUDENT
               That’s not fair. That means that
               the people who get their paper
               first get to start earlier so they
               get more time.

                           TEACHER
               (beat)
               Shut up!

The class is silent working on the test. Perry is sitting
at his desk looking worried.




                            PERRY
                    (Quietly to himself)
               Oh my god, I don’t know this. I
               don’t know this. I’m screwed.
                                                      6

                           DESK 1
               Then you    should   have   studied,
               dumbass.

Perry looks around to see where the voice came from

                           DESK 1
               Down here nimrod, your desk.

                          PERRY
               Holy crap! That crash must have
               given me the ability to talk to
               furniture.

                           DESK 1
               Whoa, why the broad generalization
               so soon?

                            PERRY
               To move the story along. I could
               use this to my advantage… Hey Desk
               1. Can you get the answers to the
               test from the desk where that
               smart kid is sitting.

                          DESK   1
               Sure, I’ve got    nothing better to
               do. Hey! Desk     2! What did the
               smart kid write   down for question
               one.

                           DESK 2
               Seven.

                           PERRY
               Great. Now what about the rest of
               them.



INT. HALLWAY – AFTERNOON

Perry and Dwayne are standing at Dwayne’s locker.
                                       7

             PERRY
That must have been the      easiest
test I have ever taken.

            DWAYNE
What? But you didn’t study at all.
How could you think it was easy?

             PERRY
Things    change   Dwayne.    Thinks
change.

            DWAYNE
Things change? What do you mean?

             PERRY
Dwayne. What I am about to tell
you is something that will blow
your mind. You will be so amazed
that you will drop everything and
worship the ground that I walk on.
Women will desire me more than any
other man on the face of the earth.
My   awesomeness   will  only   be
rivaled by one man. That man who
IS the man. Who knows all, who
does no wrong. Bruce Campbell. A
man who no one comes even close
to…

               DWAYNE
Will you shut up about Bruce
Campbell and tell me what you’re
talking about.

               PERRY
Well I was talking about Bruce
Campbell, Dwayne. I don’t get what
you’re asking me. You want me to
stop talking about Bruce Campbell
but you want me to tell you what I
was talking about, which was Bruce
Campbell. Sometimes you really got
to…
                                                         8

                              DWAYNE
               Before the Bruce Campbell stuff!
               What were you going to tell me
               before Bruce Campbell came up!

                              PERRY
               Oh right. What I am about to tell
               you is something that will…

                              DWAYNE
               Just get to it Perry!

                              PERRY
               I can talk to furniture.

                              DWAYNE
               (beat)
               (beat)
               I’m going to go over here now.

                              PERRY
               Great don’t believe me.

                               DWAYNE
               Okay I won’t.

                              PERRY
               Fine. You’re just not going to get
               Canada when I take over the world.

EXT. STREET – OUTSIDE OF DWAYNES HOUSE – DAY

Dwayne walks up to the ice cream truck. Fat Tom is there
eating an ice cream in one hand and holding Squeaks in the
other. Ice Cream Man is sitting in the truck.

                              DWAYNE
               Hey Tom, hey Squeaks,       have    you
               guys seen Perry?

                               FAT TOM
               Nope.

                           SQUEAKS
               No I’m sorry Dwayne,       we   haven’t
               seen them.
                                                          9

                              DWAYNE
               Hmm, I haven’t seen him either.
               Not since he told me about that
               weird    furniture    talking    or
               something. That was two days ago.

                         ICE CREAM MAN
               I haven’t seen him either. It’s
               been days since he’s licked my
               rocket.
               (points to a picture of a rocket
               popsicle)

                              DWAYNE
               Right…I think I’m going to stop
               over his house and see what’s up.

                               FAT TOM
               I come too.

                             SQUEAKS
               Yes, may we accompany you to
               Perry’s living space. This talk of
               conversing furniture intrigues me.

                              DWAYNE
               Sure, why not. Lets go.

INT. PERRY’S HOUSE – OUTSIDE PERRY’S ROOM – DAY

Dwayne, Fat Tom and Squeaks are standing outside of Perry’s
room. Dwayne knocks and opens the door.

                                DWAYNE
               Perry?   It’s   Dwayne,   are   you   in
               here?

                              PERRY
               Ahh, Dwayne I knew it was you.

Perry is sitting in the back of the room with a hamster in
his lap petting it. Scattered about the room are chairs and
tables.

                             DWAYNE
               Yeah, because I just said it was
               me.
                                                      10



                            PERRY
              (beat)
              Touché. But that observation won’t
              bring you back into my favor. Me
              and my new companions are already
              formulating a plot to take over
              the world.

                            DWAYNE
              What? Perry this has gone too far.
              You really need to see a doctor or
              psychiatrist or both. Furniture
              can’t talk.

                             PERRY
              Yes they can. You just lack the
              ability to hear them. Besides, how
              do you explain Squeaks right there.

                            DWAYNE
              (beat)
              This isn’t about Squeaks, this is
              about you and how you’ve gone
              crazy.

                             PERRY
              Silence! I have heard enough.
              Leave now or I will be forced to
              use my new ability upon you. It is
              only because of me that they
              haven’t torn you apart already.

                             DWAYNE
              Alright Perry, we’ll leave, but
              just because I don’t want to see
              you make a fool of yourself.

Dwayne, Fat Tom and Squeaks walk out to the front of the
house.

                             DWAYNE
              Ug this is insane. He’s insane. I
              just don’t know what to do.
                                                         11

                             SQUEAKS
               I think I do. I’ve got a plan.

Fades out and then fades back in

                              DWAYNE
               Good, what is it?

                             SQUEAKS
               Oh umm…well we’ll have to be able
               to get close to him first.

                               DWAYNE
               I have   the   perfect   solution   to
               that.

Fades out and then fades back in

                             FAT TOM
               Alright. What is it?

                            DWAYNE
               I will tell you during the real
               fade out.

                              SQUEAKS
               Same here.

Fades out.

INT. PERRY’S HOUSE – OUTSIDE PERRY’S ROOM – DAY

Dwayne is standing outside of Perry’s room. he knocks on
the door.

                               PERRY
               Who’s there?

                              DWAYNE
               It’s umm Bruce Campbell.

The door fly’s open and Dwayne is pulled into the room. We
see that Dwayne has put some putty on his chin to look like
Bruce Campbell’s chin. Perry’s room looks that same as
before.
                                                         12

                               PERRY
               Wait a minute     you’re   not    Bruce
               Campbell.

                              DWAYNE
               Yes I am. Groovy. Shop smart, shop
               S-Mart. Look at my chin!

                              PERRY
               Hmm, you look and sound like Bruce
               Campbell, but what’s with the horn
               on your head?

                              DWAYNE
               Umm…It’s for my next movie…Horn
               Guy.   I’ve   had   it  surgically
               implanted so I can better play the
               role.

                              PERRY
               (beat)
               That…is so cool! You        are     the
               greatest actor ever.

Perry drops to the floor and hugs Dwayne’s legs.

                              DWAYNE
               Right. Now guys! Attack now!

Fat Tom and Squeaks fall through the ceiling and grab Perry.

                              PERRY
               An ambush! Men attack!
               (beat)
               Attack!
               (beat)
               hmm,   right…inanimate.   I   don’t
               think I thought this through.

                             DWAYNE
               Okay Perry we’re going to take you
               to a hospital and get you all
               fixed up.
                                                         13

                            FAT TOM
               Forget that just hit him on the
               head again. You know, like on the
               Flintstones.

Fat tom then gives Perry a crack on the head. Perry falls
to the ground unconscious.

                              DWAYNE
               Tom! The Flintstones is a cartoon.
               This is real life. Come on. Lets
               get him to a hospital.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – MORNING

Dwayne and Perry are standing at Dwayne’s locker. Perry has
bandages on his head.

                             DWAYNE
               You feeling better?

                             PERRY
               NO! I’ve had two head injuries and
               no   longer   can   talk   to   the
               furniture. This is bull honkery!

                              DWAYNE
               Shut up and be glad they didn’t
               lock you away. Besides didn’t you
               learn     anything    from   this
               experience?

                              PERRY
               NO! I just got gypped.


THE END

				
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posted:9/23/2012
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