The Committed Indian

Document Sample
The Committed Indian Powered By Docstoc
					$3                 We Know Your Anger, We Know Your Dreams, We’ve Been Everything You Want To Be                                                     $3

         The Committed
             Indian            The REal Fan’s Program                                         May 7th, 2009                   

           Maybe we have this wrong, but we         and the players themselves don’t have to do        that maybe this team has started to run out
were told, before the playoffs started, that        much. This is the second round of the play-        of gas. Keith has been awful the past two
with the anthem and the general loony bin           offs, kids. 60 minutes is required, otherwise      games. Toews has disappeared, Jesus Havlat
that the United Center has become, the Hawks        you can see how that seven-iron feels in your      only seems to be appearing on posters behind
would feed off that energize and terrorize op-      hands. Or your dick.                               Steve Konroyd’s head. This kind of game is
ponents from the get-go. Suddenly, we em-           Plan 9 From Outer Space                            going to take a monumental effort, and we’re
pathize with Marvin The Martian, because only                  So, what has to happen tonight?         not 100% sure the Hawks have it. But then
once out of four home playoff games have we         Second City colleague Matt McClure will break      again, these guys still get carded at bars, so
gotten our first period kaboom. Somehow, we         this down better on page 12, but the Hawks         that doesn’t seem much of an excuse.
doubt Bugs is to blame.                             have to give up on their fireworks display. It’s             Patience will also be vital. If the
           However, not enough credit has been      not going to work. The Hawks must play the         Hawks play this right, it very well may be 0-0
given to the Canucks. They were marvel-             simplest game they have all season. Oh, and        for a long time. The Canucks proved they can
ous. Their forwards stopped trying to go all        they’ll probably have to play their best one,      wait for their chance in Game 3 (i.e. Eager fall-
fire-wagon and were extremely disciplined,          too. Just for shits, you know.                     ing asleep on a Bieksa pinch), can the Hawks?
both in not taking penalties (only three penal-                Secondly, any shot is a good one        Marbles
ties from the Vancouver front men) and also         tonight. Now, the Hawks reluctance to let                    Most of all, here’s what tonight’s
sticking to Alain Vigneault’s trap, leaving the     fly was in part due to the Iron Curtain/Naval      about: We’ve all made jokes about most of
Hawks no space. They were even better in            blockade the Canucks employed, seemingly           the roster’s inability to grow playoff beards.
their own zone, where they backchecked, and         blocking 238 shots (it was 21, which is still      But right here is where we found out some-
gave their d-men options on getting the puck        a shocking number). Naturally, the Hawks           thing much more important than what they
out, instead of firing up the ice and leaving       became tentative, not wanting another doink        can grown on their face, that being what
the blueliners stranded, as they had in Games       off a shin-pad and out of the zone. Doesn’t        they’ve got between their legs. Have they got
1 and 2. Also, 10 of them recorded a blocked        matter this evening. Pucks must get through,       the balls to face the first must-have game
shot. Their effort was one to be seen, and          and there must be lots of them (we’re turning      most of them have seen? Against a team that
Vigneault should be complemented for getting        into Al Davis here. “He must go down, and          is simply daring you to want it more than they
his men to adjust to the problems they were         he must go down hard.” Pretty soon we’ll be        do? Playing a game that doesn’t suit you? We
facing.                                             fitted for plastic pants. Now that’ll get us ar-   don’t know the answer to any of these. But
           Contrast that with The Men of Four       rested!!!). Luongo’s rebound control has not       the Hawks have smiled at every challenge
Feathers. Through the first five minutes the        been sparkling this series, there are chances      thrown at them this season, there’s no reason
Hawks did have some jump, and the build-            there.                                             to think they won’t do the same to this one.
ing had some energy. They even got the                         This kind of game doesn’t suit the                                    -Foghorn Leghorn
first power play, which was quickly snuffed         Hawks, and there also is a fear here at HQ
out by a questionable goalie-interference
call on Buff. From then out, when faced
with a stacked neutral zone, and opposition
blue line, the Hawks never adjusted. Their
forwards still streaked for stretch passes that
weren’t possible, leaving defensemen with no
options, leading to ponderous play, leading to
some killer turnovers.
           Clearly, the Hawks are allergic to
playing an ugly game. They are under the
impression they’ll score four or five every
night, and there is something to be admired in
that. But in a span of sixw weeks the Canucks
have come in here twice and sat on the Hawks’
face, and the Hawks haven’t done much to
change that. Are the Hawks built for a grind-
it-out, glass-chew, trench warfare type of
game? Probably not. Doesn’t mean they can’t
play one for a while, long enough to get the
first goal (the first goal? That’s an interesting
tactic, how does that work?).
           Another disappointment is that the
Hawks appear to be under the impression that
merely being home is enough. They must
think that the opposition will be urinating on
themselves due to the noise in the building,
                                                        FROM THE EDITOR
            I’ll apologize for getting a little off-topic here, but there is something   I don’t know if this Balsillie is good news or bad news. Blackberrys are a pox
going on in hockey I would like to address. I’m sure most of you have caught             upon society, but there’s no question he’s a forward thinker with sound business
it, but the Phoenix Coyotes have filed Chapter 11 and Blackberry maven Jim               sense. How many of those are crawling around NHL boardrooms right now?
Balsillie is poised to purchase them (at a terribly inflated price) and move them        Trust me, if all of them shared a joint with you, you’d get at least two turns.
to Southern Ontario.                                                                                                       Unfortunately, Bettman gets his way all the
            Naturally, Gary Bettman is going to fight this                                                       time. It’s a shame that most owners can’t wake up and
tooth and nail, and he’s probably going to win. And it’s                                                         see that he’s been bad for the sport, plain and simple. It’s
a goddamn shame. I don’t mean to insult what fans there                                                          been 16 years since Bettman was brought in to widen the
are in Phoenix. I can’t imagine what it would be like to                                                         sport’s appeal and audience. How’s that going, anyway?
have a team pick up and move away from you, know-                                                                          Logically, would owners want to keep prop-
ing you won’t have hockey to watch live. That doesn’t                                                            ping up a complete basketcase of a franchise, or have
mean, however, that Phoenix isn’t a total disaster of a                                                          another thriving one, as a Hamilton team almost certainly
market. First, they played in an arena that simply wasn’t                                                        would? Bettman just seems to have a power over the
big enough for a rink. Then they moved to Glendale and                                                           owners though (but apparently not Rocky, who went on
signed a lease that not even Mayor Daley could have                                                              an anti-Versus tangent the other day that definitely would
thought up, with no part of parking going to the Yotes.                                                          have had The Little Man stomping his feet). Why can’t
Oh, and it’s Phoenix, which means, of course, NO ONE                               Sam   Fels                    they see that this guy took a sport at its peak, 1994 after
FUCKING CARES ABOUT HOCKEY!                                                                                      Michael Jordan retired and the Rangers had won the
            The worst part, and the one Bettman should                                                           Cup, and immediately threw it into a lockout to lose all
take a serious look at, is the look on people’s face when                                momentum? Bettman is the one who over-extended the talent pool, leading to
you tell them you’re going to see the Hawks play Phoenix. “Phoenix has a                 the garbage, clutch-and-grab hockey that no one could take. It’s Bettman who
team? Why?” It just strains credibility. That’s not to say there aren’t warm-            took away our divisional playoffs that we loved so dear, and saw markets that
weather markets that can’t support hockey, it’s just that Phoenix has proven to          have no business with a team come in through the door. It was he who nearly
not be one of them.                                                                      killed the sport four years ago, and it was he who put them on Versus, which
            But none of this matters to our little Napoleon Butthead. He’s going         the rest of the sports world is laughing at. Where is the wider exposure the
to prove that Phoenix can thrive as a hockey town, no matter how much it costs,          owners sought with his hiring? Probably somewhere around “soccer becom-
or how many people are turned aside to do so. Perhaps if he looked at this logi-         ing popular”. You mean to tell me a bright, progressive, though brash, guy like
cally, it would dawn on him the fact that Southern California has two teams, but         Balsillie has no place in the league, but a clown-car like Tampa Bay’s owners
Southern Ontario doesn’t, is ludicrous. But clearly, this makes too much sense           does? How much more does it take for a pink slip?
    to happen.
                                 STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS                                                    *late game not included

        Eastern Conference                                                   Western Conference
 #1 Boston                                                                                                           #1 San Jose
                     BOS (4-0)                                                                  ANA (4-2)
 #8 Montreal                                                                                                         #8 Anaheim
                                       CAR 2-1                                     ANA 2-1
 #3 New Jersey                                                                                                            #2 Scum
                     CAR (4-3)                                                                 Scum (4-0)
 #6 Carolina                                                                                                       #7 Columbus

#2 Washington                                                                                                     #3 Vancouver
                    WAS (4-3)                                                                   VAN (4-0)
#7 New York                                                                                                         #6 St. Louis
                                       WAS 2-1                                     VAN 2-1
#4 Pittsburgh                                                                                                       #4 HAWKS
                    PIT (4-2)                                                                HAWKS (4-2)
                                                 teams re-seed after first round, with
#5 Philadelphia                                 highest remaining seed playing lowest                                #5 Calgary

                            TOP 10 LIST                                                         PUCK DROP
    Alex Burrows’ Top Ten Make-Up And Fashion Tips
10. Make sure your clutch and shoes match, even though cute boys won’t
notice, you’ll feel better
9. Skirts are only good for June 22nd in Vancouver, the one day it doesn’t
8. The Sedin twins love my shade of eye-liner, if you want to attract weird
Swedish twins
7. Purple is my favorite shade of lipstick
6. Get yourself a perm, it’ll be harder for me to pull
5. Only wear heels if you look totally confident in them, otherwise you’ll                   Sami Salo          The Alien
look like Sundin on skates                                                                                      From This
4. Thumbs up on thongs, I wear one under my uniform                                                               Island
3. I’ll never play for another team, as our blue jersey really sets off my eyes
2. I love lots of jewelry, but you’ll never know because I won’t ever drop                                      (the movie they
my gloves                                                                                                         watched on
1. Always be well-groomed, everywhere. It makes for...uh...better “tuck-
                                                                                           Chicago Blackhawks 1-2
                                                                                                  Our calls went unheaded, as Dunc was once again subpar in Game 3. Ponderous with

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    se against Sundin, for some reason. Hopefully this changes tonight.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Q once again opted to put Bolland’s line against the Sedins, and Pahl-
                                                                                                  the puck, turnover-happy (one leading to the Nucks 3rd goal) and some really abstract
                                                                                                  decision making. Have all the minutes caught up to him?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    (Playoff stats)

                                                                       #       Pos      Player                         Ht           WT          AGE        GP     G       A      P       +/-        PIM         PP    SH         GW          S        S%       Salary (Cap Hit)
Campbell has a few defensive hiccups, but had a Corsi rating of +12,

                                                                       88      R        Patrick Kane               5' 10"           187         20         8      5       3      8       -3          10         2         0        0       19         26.3        $3,725,000
                                                                       10      L        The Sharp-Shooter              6' 1"        197         27         9      5       3      8        1          2          2         0        1      $28         17.9        $3,900,000
                                                                       24      R        The Perfect Beard              6' 2"        217         27         9      3       5      8       -1          6          0         0        1       19         15.8        $6,000,000
and probably has been the Hawks best d-man this series.

                                                                       32      L        VerStud                    5' 10"           180         22         9      2       6      8       -2          4          1         0        0       13         15.4        $491,667
                                                                       7       D        Brent Seabrook                 6' 3"        220         23         9      1       7      8        2          8          1         0        0       18          5.6        $3,500,000
                                                                       19      C        Captain Marvel                 6' 2"        209         20         9      2       5      7        1          24         1         0        1       20          10         $2,800,000
                                                                       36      C        Fabulous Weapon                6' 0"        188         22         9      3       3      6        0          18         0         1        0       14         21.4        $845,833
                                                                       25      D        Cam Barker                     6' 3"        213         22         9      3       3      6       -2          0          0         0        0       20          15         $2,768,587
                                                                       51      D        51 Phantom                     6' 0"        188         29         9      2       3      5        1          0          2         0        0         11       18.2        $7,142,875
                                                                       33      R        Dustin Byfuglien               6' 3"        247         23         9      1       3      4        0          18         0         0        0       20          5          $3,000,000
                                                                       2       D        Duncan Keith                   6' 1"        194         25         9      0       4      4        5          4          0         0        0         11        0          $1,475,000
                                                                       37      R        Adam Burish                    6' 1"        189         26         9      1       2      3        3          22         0         0        1       16          6.3        $712,500
                                                                       26      C        Samuel Pahlsson                6' 0"        204         31         9      1       2      3        0          0          1         0        0         6        16.7        $301,000
                                                                       55      L        Ben Eager                      6' 2"        220         24         9      1       1      2       -1          29         0         0        1         9        11.1        $568,000
                                                                       8       D        Matt Walker                    6' 3"        214         28         9      0       2      2       -2          0          0         0        0         5         0          $600,000
                                                                       16      L        Mountain                       6' 2"        198         23         9      1       0      1        2          4          0         0        0       14          7.1        $1,550,000
                                                                       22      R        Troy Brouwer                   6' 2"        213         23         9      0       1      1        1          4          0         0        0       12          0          $675,000
                                                                       4       D        Super Nintendo Jalmers         6' 2"        200         21         9      0       1      1       -1          4          0         0        0         6         0          $643,000
                                                                       46      C        Colin Fraser                   6' 1"        188         23         1      0       0      0        0          0          0         0        0         1         0          $500,000
                                                                                            Totals/Averages        6' 1"            203.4       24.16             31      54                        17.4/g      10        1              29.1/g       11.83%     $41,198,462
                                                                             Khabby is not the reason the Hawks lost Tuesday, but those last two goals should have been whistles instead. The
                                                                             Hawks don’t make Herculian efforts to move a man from the crease on the kill, so juicy rebounds are death. All of
                                                                             Khabby’s big saves came when the Hawks were down, they have to come earlier than that.
                                                                        #      Goalie                    HT      WT       AGE          GPI           Min        GAA       W      L   OT        SO         SA         GA          Sv%     G        A   PIM         Salary
                                                                        39     Nikolai Khabibulin        6' 1"   209           36           9        534        2.81      5      4   0         0          243        25          .897    0        0     0       $6,750,000
                                                                        38     Cristobal Huet            6' 1"   205           33           0         0          0        0      0   0         0           0         0             0     0        0     0       $5,625,000
                                                                               Totals/Averages           6'1"    207           35                               2.81      5      4   0         0      29.0/g         25          .897    0        0     0      $12,375,000

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                TOTAL CAP NUMBER:              $57,283,000
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                CAP SPACE:                     $274,000*
                                                                                        Probable Lines                                                          Probable Pairings                                             *space also affected by buyouts and injured players
                                                                        Left Wing                   Center                  Right Wing                                 2 Keith            7 Seabrook
                                                                            10 Sharp               19 Toews                     88 Kane                         51 Campbell           4 Hjalmarsson
                                                                            16 Ladd                36 Bolland                   24 Havlat                            8 Walker              25 Barker
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Injury List
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Brent Sopel- Questionable (Talent)
                                                                        32 Versteeg               26 Pahlsson                  33 Byfuglien
                                                                        22 Brouwer                 37 Burish                    55 Eager

                                                                                                  Committed Indian T-shirts....
                                                                        WHales or Sticks or Skates 2-1
                                                                                                How the fuck this guy was the 3rd star on Tuesday is anyone’s guess. We think it was a
                                                                                                wager of some sort. “Oh, you don’t think I can make Sundin a star? $50 says I can!”
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               (Playoff stats)
                                                                        #        Pos      Player                         Ht         WT     AGE      GP         G      A        P       +/-        PIM     PP     SH          GW       S           S%     Salary (Cap Hit)
Salo is back in Chicago with the team, and will almost certainly play

                                                                        33       C        Henrik Sedin                  6' 2"       190        28       7      4      4        8        3           2     1        0          0       14          28.6         $483,000
                                                                        22       L        Daniel Sedin                  6' 1"       185        28       7      2      6        8        4           6     1        0          0       22          9.1          $2,500,000
                                                                        23       D                                      6' 3"       220        22       7      1      6        7        0           4     1        0          0          9        11.1         $4,000,000
tonight, so the Nucks can play more than 5 on the backend.

                                                                                          Alexander Edler
                                                                        6        D        Sami Salo                     6' 3"       215        34       5      3      3        6        1           2     2        0          2          7        42.9         $522,000
                                                                        42       C        Kyle Wellwood                 5' 10"      180        25       7      1      3        4        2           0     0        0          0          5        20           $3,575,000
                                                                        18       R        Steve Bernier                 6' 2"       225        23       7      2      2        4        1           7     2        0          2       14          14.3         $3,500,000
                                                                        14       L        Alexandre Burrows             6' 1"       190        27       7      3      1        4        3          20     0        0          1       17          17.6         $950,000
                                                                        13       C        Mats Sundin                   6' 5"       231        38       5      1      3        4       -2           2     0        0          1          9        11.1         $883,000
                                                                        38       R        Pavol Demitra *               6' 0"       200        34       6      1      2        3       -2           2     1        0          0       13          7.7          $3,500,000
                                                                        17       C        Ryan Kesler "A"               6' 2"       205        24       7      1      2        3       -1          10     0        0          0       22          4.5          $3,750,000
                                                                        3        D        Kevin Bieksa                  6' 0"       205        27       7      0      3        3        2           6     0        0          0       12           0           $750,000
                                                                        21       L        Mason Raymond                 6' 0"       182        23       7      1      1        2       -2           2     0        0          0       11          9.1          $1,750,000
                                                                        8        D        Willie Mitchell "A"           6' 3"       210        31       7      0      2        2       -1          18     0        0          0          1         0           $3,500,000
                                                                        55       D        Shane O'Brien                 6' 3"       224        25       7      0      1        1       -2           8     0        0          0          7         0           $3,575,000
                                                                        10       C        Ryan Johnson                  6' 1"       202        32       7      1      0        1        0           2     0        0          0          4        25           $1,150,000
                                                                        2        D        Mattias Ohlund "A"            6' 3"       220        32       7      1      0        1        4           6     1        0          0       11          9.1          $242,000
                                                                        37       C        Rick Rypien                   5' 11"      170        24       7      0      0        0       -2          38     0        0          0          5         0           $550,000
                                                                        36       R        Jannik Hansen                 6' 1"       201        23       2      0      0        0        0           0     0        0          0          0         0           $987,000
                                                                        24       L        Darcy Hordichuk               6' 1"       215        28       7      0      0        0        0          12     0        0          0          2         0           $5,363,000
                                                                        9        L        Taylor Pyatt                  6’ 4”       230        27       1      0      0        0        0           2     0        0          0          4         0           $1,575,000
                                                                        5        D        Ossi Vaananen                 6' 4"       215        28       2      0      0        0        1           2     0        0          0          0         0           $500,000

                                                                                              Totals/Averages           6' 2"      206.1   27.7               22      40                         21.6/g   9        0              29.4/g         11.0%       $42,030,000
                                                                        * injured
                                                                                                        Ohlund had 5 blocked shots in Game 3.

                                                                            #        Goalie                     HT         WT        AGE     GPI    Min        GAA         W       L         OT     SO    SA            GA        Sv%        G     A     PIM     Salary
                                                                            1        Roberto Luongo "C"         6' 3"      205       29      7      438        1.92        6       1         0      1     217           14        .935       0     0     0       $6,750,000
                                                                            30       Jason LaBarbera            6' 3"      225       29      0      0          0           0       0         0      0     0             0         0          0     0     0       $461,000
                                                                                     Totals/Averages            6' 3"      215       29      7      438        1.92        6       1         0      1     31.1/g        14        .935       0     0     0       $7,211,000
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             TOTAL CAP NUMBER:               $53,858,000
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             CAP SPACE:                      $2,852,000
                                                                                         Probable Lines                                                                                                                *space also affected by buyouts and injured players
                                                                    Left Wing                        Center                     Right Wing              Probable Pairings
                                                                                                                                                            2 Ohlund                    23 Edler                                         Injury List
                                                                 14 Burrows                       33 H. Sedin                    22 D. Sedin                                                                    Sami Salo- Questionable (Rib?)
                                                                        17 Kesler                  13 Sundin                    21 Raymond                  8 Mitchell                   6 Salo                 Pavol Demitra-Out (Trick Knee)
                                                                         9 Pyatt                  42 Wellwood                    18 Bernier                 3 Bieksa                   55 O’Brien

                                                     24 Hordichuk                                  10 Johnson                    37 Rypien

                                         ...ARE HERE!!!!. CHECK SECOND CITY HOCK-
                                                    EY.COM FOR DETAILS
 One of the few downsides of a playoff-run is that it causes plenty of people to talk about hockey who
                shouldn’t be talking about hockey. So tonight, we present our list of....

People We Wish We Didn’t Have To Watch
          Talk About Hockey
   Any Comcast Employee Not Named
                                                                           Chicago News Anchors
      Josh Mora or Steve Konroyd

        We’ve always thought of Comcast Sportsnet as
an ESPNEWS karaoke bar, which is just a Sportscenter
karaoke bar, and Sportscenter is the demon seed of the                 Hey, we enjoy watching the various Newscaster
Dark Lord himself. Needless to say, whenever Mora is           Barbie’s around town as much as the next guy, no mat-
not in the studio and/or Konroyd is replacing Eddie-O in       ter how irrelevant 10 o’clock news has become. But the
the booth, watching the backups reminds us of watching         Hawks are becoming a local news story, which means they
an injured bird in the street. It’s uncomfortable as all get   are starting to jump up from just the sports. Watching the
out, and you know they can’t duck the trucks forever. And      expression on their face when “Khabibulin” comes across
Savvy as an analyst? Seriously? Dude, this team fired          the teleprompter? Priceless. Exactly the same expression
you and has called you incompetent ever since. Have            we see when we ask a girl out. Pure shock and fear, and a
some pride. That’s like getting dumped at the alter and        desperate need to run.
then going to your ex-fiance’s 2nd bachelorette party. It’s
all kinds of weird and wrong.

        Mike North and Dan Jiggetts                                    Christine Simpson on Versus

                                                                       In reality, we don’t think Christine is bad at all.
                                                                But there’s one problem: she’s not Lindsay Soto...
        Actually, this applies to any subject, but especially
hockey. Listening to these two is akin to listening to hip-
pos fuck, only with less intelligence and more grunting.
Simply a pox on our city, and how they’ve gained such a
prominent spot in the Chicago sports landscape should
probably be Exhibit A in any argument against us getting
the Olympics. After all, any city that worships these mel-
lon patches is not worthy of a world stage. Remember that
17 minutes when North tried doing a news and current                  The only sideline reports in recent memory who
events show? Yeah, that was good stuff. Someone should caught an athlete gawking during the interview. Simply
have told him it required more reading than simply the        hilarious video. Well done, Rob Niedermayer, you are an
comics, half of which he probably doesn’t get anyway.         Everyman.
                                      HAWKS vs. CANUCKS
                                       Fight Stats provided by

 GAME          FIGHT         TIME       Bloody       Black     Bruised       Just                      Analysis
                                         Nose         Eye       Ego         Dancing
3-29-09     Keith’s locks     3rd.                                                     We don’t even have a category for this one.
                 v.           5:50                                                    Needless to say, after this we reserved a room
                                                                                      for Burrows in the bath house at Belmont and
             Burrows                                                                                     Halsted.

                                         √                       √
              Eager v.        3rd.                                                     During Burish-inspired melee, Eager drops
              Bieksa          5:50                                                    Bieksa like a drunken cougar, and then has to
                                                                                                sit there and get bled on.

                                                                 √ √
              Eager v.        2nd.                                                      Right off a draw, these two grapple right
              Brown           2:46                                                    into the Hawks bench. Brown throws all the
                                                                                      punches as Eager can’t find balance. Brown
                                                                                                       on points.

              Barker v.       3rd.                                                       Barker jumps in to retaliate high hit on
              Pettinger       5:51                                                    Toews, but other than an angry face, it wasn’t
                                                                                           much. ‘Preciate the effort, though

               Wiz v.         3rd.                                                    Wiz reacts to elbow from Burrows, and like
              Burrows         9:49                                                    most Vancouver fags, Burrows quickly opts
                                                                                                     for takedown.

 What To Watch For: Too much on the line tonight. Though it’ll be chippy as all hell, no kerfluffles to be expected.
                Power Play                                                               Penalty Kill
  Team           Opp          PPG           PP%                             Team            TS            PPGA               PK%
   DET            36           11            30.6                            NJD             29               2               93.1
  ANA             34           9             26.5                            BOS             13               1               92.3
   CHI            40           10             25                             CAR             36               3               91.7
  VAN             36           9              25                             VAN             40               4                90
   CBJ            13           3             23.1                             PHI            32               4               87.5
  WSH             42           9             21.4                            WSH             48               7               85.4
   SJS            24           4             16.7                             PIT            39               7                82
  BOS             25           4              16                             NYR             33               6               81.8
   PIT            49           7             14.3                            CHI             36               7               80.6
   PHI            30           4             13.3                            ANA             38               8                79
  NYR             31           4             12.9                             SJS            23               5               78.3
   NJD            27           3             11.1                            STL             18               4               77.8
  CGY             18           2             11.1                            MTL             16               4                75
  CAR             34           3              8.8                            DET             24               7               70.8
   STL            24           1              4.2                            CGY             24               7               70.8
  MTL              8           0               0                             CBJ             22               7               68.2


         It bothers us greatly to sing this guy’s praises, because he really hasn’t shut up since this series started. His comments about
Kane worked wonders, obviously, as Mitchell needed a balm to soothe the windburn on his ass after Toews and Kane went by him for the
Hawks fifth in Game 2. He’s also the leading dunderhead taking shots after whistles and bitching to the refs about Buff’s mere existence
(though we share that with him from earlier in the year). However, it has to be said that Mitchell was an absolute monster in Game 3, and
he has been for most of the year. He led the Canucks in ice-time, and we can hardly remember him losing a battle for the puck all night.
This has been a breakout year for Mitchell, which seems weird to say about someone who’s 32. But he was a +29, when his previous
career-high was +15. He was third on the Canucks in Behind The Net Rating, behind the Swedish Molina Brothers. He’s clearly a rag-
ing asshole, but you’d want that in a steady d-man, wouldn’t you? It’s pretty obvious that the Canucks defensive effort goes as Mitchell
goes. Early in the series, he was turnover-prone and was getting skinned by the faster Hawks forwards. Game 3, he was oustanding, and
so were the Canucks. If the Hawks have designs on winning tonight, they’d better find a way to outplay this guy in his own zone, he’s the
one they’ll be seeing most.

The Committed Indian is printed by Royal Omega Graphics- Elk Grove, IL
                                   KNOW THY ENEMY
Because they’re good chaps, Sean and Yankee Canuck once again share           Q: This is a weird question, but try and answer it honestly. If you
their thoughts after Game 3.                                                  were Coach Q, what would you have the Hawks do to maybe attack
                                                                              something the Canucks consider a weakness?
Q: So, feeling better?                                                        A: Chuck a coughing pig into their hotel? Actually no please don’t do
A: Let’s see...stop blowing defensive coverage? Check. Get someone            that. This isn’t really a Vancouver weakness, but if I were the giant f’ing
else out there scoring not named Sedin? Check. See Luongo stop play-          Q, I would stress coming out balls to the walls, use the crowd and get
ing like Cloutier? Check. No additional injuries that I know of? Check.       the early lead for a change. With the lead, you can force Vancouver to
The trap is rarely fun, but it works. We’ll take it.                          gamble with some passes to increase their chances and you’re back to
                                                                              maybe seeing more of the defensive breakdowns and odd man rushes
Q: What’s one thing you can point to that the Canucks were able to            that Chicago took advantage of in game two.
in Game 3 that turned the tide?                                               Q: Is the feeling in Vancouver that this series is now close to over?
A: They stopped pretending they’ll win a back and forth type game with        Or do you think there’s a very long way to go?
Chicago. Mucking everything up in the neutral zone forced the ice to be       A: I wouldn’t have said that even if Vancouver lost. There’s still plenty
shorter on the Hawks who couldn’t get their stretch passes working at         of hockey left out there, especially since the Hawks have proven you
all. Also buried in the win is that the Canucks blocked a series high 21      can’t count them out. No Canuck fan saw a 3-1 lead going into the third
shots. Vancouver played a game that suits their strengths. Will it work       and felt comfortable so imagine how the players felt. I can’t imagine any
the rest of the way? It should, but we’ll see.                                player in red is going to want to travel west with their backs against the
                                                                              wall for three straight so I expect a far more determined Hawks team on
Q: Who do you think has been the best Canuck this series? We’re               Thursday. Vancouver’s best chance to tighten the noose around Chi-
looking at Raymond or Ryan Johnson...                                         cago’s neck is just to shore up and perfect what they did in game three.
A: You can never say enough about balls (Johnson) because he plays so
damn well on the PK. Raymond, replacing Demitra on the second line,           Q: Looking ahead, the Canucks played a marvelous road game in
has been getting stronger since the first round and game three was easily     Game 3, which the Hawk have always struggled with. Can they do
his best post season game. Part of me wants to say Henrik Sedin who           the same at home? Or is the pressure to get after it too much in GM
has goals in two straight and four points in the series. Mitchell played a    Place?
stronger game three my waffling leads me to think I can’t name       A: Vancouver was stronger at home in the regular season but I think
just one. Luongo said the entire team needed to step up in game three         they’ve played more determined on the road in the playoffs. Maybe the
and they did. If they win game four, it’ll likely be the collective again,    layoff between rounds affected Vancouver more then we thought or per-
not on the back of one guy.                                                   haps Eager and company really did distract a bunch of our core guys and
                                                                              steal their focus. But games one and two weren’t really Vancouver-style
Q: Other than the emotional lift, what does Taylor Pyatt bring to the         hockey and I don’t think you’ll see them reel back towards that style
team?                                                                         either. Unless game four is another meltdown I don’t think the pressure
A: He’s everything Demo (who’s roster spot he’s taking) isn’t: big body,      of the hometown crowd will get to them at all.
can grind well along the boards and will get himself in front of the net
fishing for rebounds. Pyatt does more of the little things well. Demo
has a far better shot, but if Vancouver is going to continue to play a
chippy, trap-style game, Pyatt is built for that style and has been playing
it for Vancouver now for three seasons.

        Hawks-canucks: the Last 4
       May 5th, 2009: Nucks 3, Hawks 1                                                    May 2nd, 2009: Hawks 6, Nucks 3
  Yep, learning is still for dorks. Hawks take bad,                                 Hawks think learning is for dorks, and make same
lazy penalties, don’t come out with a spark, or even                                mistakes as Game 1, with 1st period penalties and
 a sniffle, and are snuffed out by simply a superior                                 tentativeness galore. Then comes big Midwest-
            defensive effort by Vancouver.                                          ern foot in Pacific Northwest ass, as they reel off 5
                                                                                                straight goals to even series.

    Apr. 30th, 2009: Hawks 3, Nucks 5                                                    Mar. 29th, 2009: Nucks 4, Hawks 0
 Hawks don’t really bother with first two periods,                                  Who got it worse? The Hawks? Bieksa’s nose?
and are intent on checking out all the chicks by the                              Keith’s hair? ‘Nucks steamroll Hawks after Chicago
penalty box. Storm back from down 3 in 3rd, only                                   blows 1st period 5-on-3, then there’s a tea party in
 for Barker to go on walkabout, leading to winner.                                                      the 3rd.
                                                  Hockey Sabermetrics
Every game, we provide you with the Behind The Net numbers. These are at even strength, 5-on-5. Key: QUALCOMP- A measure of the quality of competition each player faces on the ice. Calcu-
lated by averaging +/-/60 for opponents on the ice against player. QUALTEAM- A measure of the quality of teammates each player plays with. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for teammates on ice
with player. TOI/60- Time on ice, per 60 minutes, that player spends on ice at full-strength. GFON/60, GAON/60- Goals for and against team per 60 min. player is on ice +/-ON/60- Team’s Plus/
minus, per 60 minutes, while player is on ice. +/-OFF/60- Plus/minus of team while player is off ice, per 60 minutes. RATING- +/-ON/60 subtracted by +/-OFF/60.
            NAME              QUALCOMP                QUALTEAM       TOI/60     GFON/60       GAON/60        +-ON/60       GFOFF/60         GAOFF/60        +-OFF/60       RATING
       Colin Fraser                 0.83                0.39            6.97        0              0              0            1.62            6.49            -4.87          4.87
       Adam Burish                  -0.33               -0.03           8.5        3.53           0.88          2.65           2.96            3.16               -0.2        2.84
       Duncan Keith                 -0.11               -0.02          20.33       3.69           1.84          1.84           2.58            3.44            -0.86          2.7
       Brent Seabrook               -0.14               0.28           19.19       3.13           1.95          1.17           3.02            3.29            -0.27          1.45
       Jonathan Toews                -0.1               -0.46          12.14       4.32           3.09          1.24           2.62            2.62                0          1.24
       Troy Brouwer                 -0.23               0.21            9.45       2.38           1.59          0.79           3.24            3.03               0.2         0.59
       Patrick Sharp                -0.08               -0.18          10.96       4.1            3.42          0.68           2.74            2.53            0.21           0.47
       Andrew Ladd                  -0.17               0.05           12.34       2.43           1.82          0.61           3.29            3.07            0.22           0.39
       Brian Campbell               -0.02               -0.35          14.22       4.22           3.69          0.53           2.55            2.32            0.23           0.3
       Ben Eager                    -0.41               0.51            9.25       2.43           2.43            0            3.22            2.82               0.4         -0.4
       Kris Versteeg                0.34                -0.36          12.61       2.38           2.38            0            3.32            2.87            0.44          -0.44
       Dustin Byfuglien             0.33                -0.15          13.36       2.25           2.25            0            3.39            2.94            0.45          -0.45
       Dave Bolland                 -0.07               0.19           13.28       3.39           3.95          -0.56          2.93            2.26            0.68          -1.24
       Martin Havlat                -0.17               0.13           13.38       3.92           4.48          -0.56          2.72            2.04            0.68          -1.24
       Cam Barker                   0.19                -0.53          12.99       2.89           3.46          -0.58          3.13            2.46            0.67          -1.25
       Samuel Pahlsson              0.41                 0             12.98       1.73           2.31          -0.58          3.58            2.91            0.67          -1.25
       N. Hjalmarsson               -0.05               -0.07           12.5       1.8            2.4           -0.6           3.53            2.87            0.66          -1.26
       Matt Walker                  0.18                -0.36          13.86       2.16           3.25          -1.08          3.44            2.53            0.92            -2
       Patrick Kane                 -0.01               0.25           12.49       4.12          5.49           -1.37          2.99            1.25            1.74          -3.12
                                                                                      (playoff stats)

         Corsi Rating                                           Penalties Drawn                                       Power Play Ratings                    Penalty Kill Ratings
                                                                                                                This is a measure of a team’s goals-for This measures how many goals a team
 Shots attempted for a team vs. how many are at-
tempted against while a given player is on the ice,                vs. Taken                                    per 60 minutes of player being on the gives up per 60 minutes the player is on
                                                                                                                         ice on the power play.                  the ice on the PK.
                   per 60 min.
                                                                                                                        Player           GFON/60                  Player             GA/60
           NAME                  CORSI                          NAME           PDRAW/60       PTAKE/60
                                                                                                                  Dustin Byfuglien          16.44        Colin Fraser                  0
     Adam Burish                   15.9                 Dave Bolland               4               0.6
                                                                                                                  Kris Versteeg             16.38        Kris Versteeg                 0
     Brian Campbell                13.7                 Martin Havlat             1.7              0.6
                                                                                                                  Brent Seabrook            13.46        Matt Walker                   0
     Ben Eager                     12.2                 Patrick Sharp             1.4              0.7
                                                                                                                  Brian Campbell            12.43        N. Hjalmarsson               3.98
     Patrick Sharp                 8.2                  Kris Versteeg             1.2              1.2
                                                                                                                  Patrick Kane              11.94        Patrick Sharp                4.2
     Jonathan Toews                 8                   Samuel Pahlsson           1.2               0
                                                                                                                  Cam Barker                8.45         Adam Burish                  6.34
     N. Hjalmarsson                4.8                  N. Hjalmarsson            1.2              1.2
                                                                                                                  Martin Havlat             7.85         Dave Bolland                 8.01
     Patrick Kane                  4.1                  Brian Campbell            1.1               0
                                                                                                                  Jonathan Toews            5.33         Duncan Keith                 8.55
     Troy Brouwer                   4                   Dustin Byfuglien          1.1              1.1
                                                                                                                  Patrick Sharp             4.87         Brent Seabrook               8.58
     Dustin Byfuglien              1.7                  Adam Burish               0.9               0
                                                                                                                  Dave Bolland               2.9         Samuel Pahlsson              9.62
     Duncan Keith                  1.1                  Ben Eager                 0.8              4.1
     Brent Seabrook                 -2                  Andrew Ladd               0.6              0.6
     Martin Havlat                 -2.2                 Matt Walker               0.5               0
     Cam Barker                    -2.3                 Brent Seabrook            0.4              0.4
     Samuel Pahlsson               -3.5                 Colin Fraser               0                0                                        Face-offs
     Andrew Ladd                   -5.5                 Duncan Keith               0               0.4                             Player             Face-Offs Taken         FO%
     Kris Versteeg                 -6.5                 Jonathan Toews             0               1.9                     Jonathan Toews                   104                57.7
     Dave Bolland                 -10.7                 Troy Brouwer               0               0.8                     Samuel Pahlsson                  102                52.9
     Matt Walker                  -11.9                 Cam Barker                 0                0                      Adam Burish                       50                48.0
     Colin Fraser                 -17.2                 Patrick Kane               0               2.1                     Dave Bolland                     142                45.8
                                                                                                                           Total                    Playoff Rank: 9th          49.4
                                                   Hockey Sabermetrics
                                                                  VANCOUVER                                                                            (playoff stats)
              NAME             QUALCOMP            QUALTEAM        TOI/60    GFON/60    GAON/60    +-ON/60    GFOFF/60          GAOFF/60         +-OFF/60        RATING
       Ossi Vaananen                -0.13            -0.21           8.28      7.24        0        7.24           1.13             2.26            -1.13           8.37
       Daniel Sedin                 -0.55            0.92            13.28     3.77       1.51      2.26           1.61             2.57            -0.96           3.22
       Steve Bernier                 0.24            -0.21           11.87     3.37       1.68      1.68           1.84             2.46            -0.61            2.3
       Alex Burrows                 -0.49            0.94            13.8      2.9        1.45      1.45           1.96             2.61            -0.65            2.1
       Henrik Sedin                 -0.56            1.07            14.28     3.5        2.1        1.4           1.66             2.32            -0.66           2.06
       Kevin Bieksa                  0.02            -0.02           17.04     1.17        0        1.17           2.92             3.65            -0.73            1.9
       Sami Salo                     0.13            -0.38           10.08     3.57       2.38      1.19           1.94             2.33            -0.39           1.58
       Jannik Hansen                 0.42            -0.68           9.13       0          0          0            1.39             2.78            -1.39           1.39
       Kyle Wellwood                 0.32            -0.04           11.56     2.6        1.73      0.87           2.13             2.43            -0.3            1.17
       Mattias Ohlund               -0.12             0.1            18.13     2.21       1.66      0.55           2.28             2.66            -0.38           0.93
       Ryan Johnson                  0.04            -0.44           8.31      1.2        1.2         0            2.49             2.49                0                0
       Darcy Hordichuk              -0.11            -0.62           4.93       0          0          0            2.53             2.53                0                0
       Alex Edler                   -0.31            -0.16           14.45     2.08       2.77      -0.69          2.34               2             0.33            -1.03
       Willie Mitchell               0.21             0.3            18.6      2.15       3.23      -1.08          2.32             1.55            0.77            -1.85
       Pavol Demitra                 0.19             -1             13.33     2.25       3.75      -1.5           2.25             1.61            0.64            -2.14
       Ryan Kesler                   0.15            -0.97           12.97     2.31       3.85      -1.54          2.23             1.59            0.64            -2.18
       Shane O'Brien                -0.36            0.03            11.26     2.66       4.44      -1.78          2.11             1.51               0.6          -2.38
       Mason Raymond                 0.26            0.64            11.11     1.8        3.6       -1.8           2.4               1.8               0.6           -2.4
       Rick Rypien                  -0.08            -0.31            7.3       0         2.74      -2.74          2.69             2.15            0.54            -3.28
       Mats Sundin                  -0.07            -0.95           10.97     1.37       4.1       -2.74          3.56             1.52            2.03            -4.77

        Corsi Rating                                         Penalties Drawn
This measures how many shots are attempted for a                                                            Power Play Ratings                    Penalty Kill Ratings
team vs. how many are attempted against while a                 vs. Taken                             This is a measure of a team’s goals for    This measures how many goals a
      given player is on the ice, per 60 min.                                                         per 60 minutes of player being on the      team gives up per 60 minutes the
                                                                                                               ice on the power play.              player is on the ice on the PK.
          NAME                  CORSI                        NAME            PDRAW/60   PTAKE/60
                                                                                                             Player             GFON/60                 Player               GAON/60
   Henrik Sedin                   15.4               Rick Rypien               2.7         4.1
                                                                                                      Sami Salo                    10.91         Jannik Hansen                   0
   Kevin Bieksa                   12.3               Kyle Wellwood             2.6             0
                                                                                                      Kevin Bieksa                 10.61         Henrik Sedin                    0
   Daniel Sedin                   12.1               Henrik Sedin              2.1             0
                                                                                                      Daniel Sedin                 10.19         Alex Edler                      0
   Ossi Vaananen                  7.2                Mason Raymond             1.8             0
                                                                                                      Henrik Sedin                 9.92          Willie Mitchell                2.35
   Alex Burrows                   7.2                Steve Bernier             1.7             0
                                                                                                      Steve Bernier                9.17          Ryan Kesler                    2.66
   Pavol Demitra                  3.8                Alex Burrows              1.4         1.4
                                                                                                      Alex Edler                   7.62          Ryan Johnson                   2.74
   Mats Sundin                    2.7                Kevin Bieksa              1.2         0.6
                                                                                                      Mats Sundin                  7.35          Mattias Ohlund                 3.08
   Steve Bernier                  -0.8               Ryan Johnson              1.2         1.2
                                                                                                      Kyle Wellwood                6.98          Kevin Bieksa                   3.12
   Ryan Kesler                    -1.5               Shane O'Brien             0.9         3.6
                                                                                                      Ryan Kesler                  5.78          Alex Burrows                   3.18
   Shane O'Brien                  -1.8               Pavol Demitra             0.8         0.8
                                                                                                      Pavol Demitra                5.14          M. Raymond                     3.37
   Mattias Ohlund                  -5                Mattias Ohlund            0.6         1.7
                                                                                                      Mattias Ohlund                4.9          Sami Salo                      4.16
   Mason Raymond                  -5.4               Willie Mitchell           0.5         1.6
   Alex Edler                     -6.9               Ossi Vaananen              0              0
   Sami Salo                      -8.3               Daniel Sedin               0          0.8                                    Face-offs
   Jannik Hansen                  -9.9               Sami Salo                  0              0                       Player              Face-Offs Taken           FO%

   Willie Mitchell               -10.2               Jannik Hansen              0              0               Ryan Johnson                       77                     61.0

   Kyle Wellwood                 -13.8               Darcy Hordichuk            0              2               Mats Sundin                        53                     60.4

   Rick Rypien                   -15.1               Alex Edler                 0          0.7                 Kyle Wellwood                      64                     53.1

   Darcy Hordichuk               -34.5               Ryan Kesler                0          0.8                 Ryan Kesler                        57                     52.6

   Ryan Johnson                  -36.1               Mats Sundin                0          1.4                 Henrik Sedin                      108                     46.4
                                                                                                               Total                       Playoff Rank: 3rd             54.3
                                             Matt’s Musings
                                  Don’t Hate The Game, Hate The Player
           Much has been made of how boring the Hawks Game 3                        Quenneville does not get a pass for the situation the Hawks
loss to the Canucks Tuesday night was. The Canucks would have             find themselves now in, either. In game 2, Q showed a willingness to
made Jacques Lemaire and Ken Hitchcock proud with how well they           adapt, and put a mucker/grinder/loose-puck-finder on every line, and
executed the vaunted neutral-ice trap. With no momentum break-            it yielded fantastic results. It’s likely Quenneville assumed that with
ing into the offensive zone, and no clean entry at that blue line, the    the last change at home now, he could get the matchups he wanted,
Blackhawks generated very little offensively and rarely tested the        and would not have to resort to shuffling the lines again. But Alain
perpetually greasy-looking Roberto Luongo.                                Vigneault got pro-active by deciding to be passive, and is out-coach-
           While the easy thing for Blackhawks fans to do would be        ing The Mustachioed One. Quenneville will likely need to revisit
to blame the tactic and decry it as being “not real hockey”, it would     game 2’s strategy, or some approximation thereof, if he’s going to
not be the right thing to do. This is Round Two                                                 break the trap.
of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and the Canucks --                                                         Ultimately, it’s up to the players, however.
while having conceded that they are lesser skilled                                              Everyone in the building on both sides knows
and slower than the Hawks, as well as making                                                    that the Blackhawks are the faster team, and they
the game about as entertaining as shoving pipe                                                  are perfectly capable of winning foot races to
cleaners up your urethra -- are doing absolutely                                                loose pucks, particularly with forward momentum
everything they need to do to win.                                                              against a backwards skating defensemen. How-
           No, the responsible thing as a fan would                                             ever, they need to decide how much they want
be to demand that the Hawks adjust accordingly,                                                 it, both in their discretion in carrying the puck in
and start dumping the puck in. For the entire year,                                             versus chipping it in, as well as in the subsequent
the Blackhawks have seemingly refused to adhere                     Matt McClure                battles down low if the puck is indeed sent there.
to this strategery. When playing a puck-posses-                                                 Sacha Baron Luongo, for all his talent, is no
sion game with higher octane teams like Detroit,                                                Marty Brodeur when comes to handling the puck.
San Jose, and Boston, the Hawks skated stride for stride with them.       Blackhawk forwards will need to bust their asses getting into the
Yet, they lost three times to the Minnesota Wild, and teams like Co-      zone to force him into poor decisions when playing the puck.
lumbus and Nashville gave them fits. Even during Tuesday’s autopsy                  The Canucks, from their coach to throughout the roster, have
on CSI: West Madison, Duncan Keith admitted as much, stating “We          now shown their willingness to do whatever it takes to win at this
need to use our speed and chip it in behind their D and get on the        time of year, and have thrown down the gauntlet as if to say “We’re
forecheck. We didn’t do that enough tonight.”                             going to do this as ugly as is necessary; that’s how badly we want
           With all of the press after the Calgary series and after game  to beat you”. Do the Hawks have enough speed, grit, and humility,
2’s victory regarding the Blackhawks being far more physical than         to admit that their skill has been neutralized, and they’re going to
initially advertised, one would think they’d be more willing to switch need to find an alternate path to victory? Tonight will give us a good
to this style, but for some reason, we just haven’t seen it yet. For all  indicator of whether this young team has learned on the fly, or going
the plaudits he’s received for his line juggling and steadying pres-      to learn the hard way.
ence, coach Joel Quenneville needs to strictly enforce this if it’s
ever going to get through to the team. If he’s willing to (justifiably)   Matt McClure is 1/3 of our blog-wing, Second City, and
bench Kane for a lazy-ass penalty 180 away from his net in a crucial      also one of the editor’s main drinking buddies. You decide which job
playoff game, then he in theory should be willing to do so when           is harder. You can reach him at to
he coughs the puck up at the Canuck blue line after trying to stick       send your sympathies.
handle through the four players stacked across the line. Assuming,
of course, that Q is indeed attempting to drill this concept into their
skulls. Yes, there are times Kane is going to be able to get through
them and do something spectacular, but the odds of that happening
are slim, and at this stage in the series, the Hawks can’t afford to wait
for that play to happen.

                                           STANLEY CUP PLAYOFF LEADERS
             Goals                              Points                                  GAA                                    SV%
         Player      Team     G             Player       Team P                 Player        Team   GAA                Player       Team SV%
 1   Sidney Crosby    PIT     8    1    Ryan Getzlaf     ANA    14     1    S. Varlamov      WAS     1.64     1    Jonas Hiller      ANA     .955
 2   A. Ovechkin     WAS      8    2    Sidney Crosby    PIT    14     2    Tim Thomas       BOS     1.71     2    S. Varlamov       WAS     .942
 3   Eric Staal      CAR      7    3    A. Ovechkin      WAS    13     3    Jonas Hiller     ANA     1.74     3    Tim Thomas        BOS     .941
 4   E. Malkin        PIT     6    4    Evgeni Malkin    PIT    12     4    R. Luongo        VAN     1.92     4    R. Luongo         VAN     .935
 5   Alex Semin      WAS      5    5    Alex Semin       WAS    11     5    C. Osgood        DET     1.95     5    Cam Ward          CAR     .935
 7   Patrick Sharp   CHI      5    9    Patrick Sharp    CHI    8      11   N. Khabibulin    CHI     2.81     12   N. Khabibulin     CHI     .897
                                              The Fifth Feather
                                       Attack of the Newbie Douche Nozzles
            Well, here we are in May, watching Blackhawks hockey. For the         tion like that in public.
Hawks fans who saw Lyle Odelein and Boris Mironov on the same blue                           Don’t leave a playoff game early unless the Hawks are trailing by
line, this is far overdue. For the newbie fans, welcome. We at the Feather        2 goals or more and there is less than 15 seconds left. While the playoffs
appreciate your help filling out the UC, and Hawks management appreciates         are new to all of us, let’s not forget the Hawks have already rallied from
that your money is just as green as everyone else’s.                              deficits of two and three goals just in the past week. That’s not to mention
            There’s been a lot of hand-wringing this year by Hawk fans of yore    that Boston University scored two goals in 35 seconds to force overtime in
over the newbies, but really, everyone has to start somewhere. You have           this year’s NCAA Championship. So, when you exit early like that, you’re
every right to appreciate and learn this game just like the older fans once       admitting to everyone you really don’t like hockey and that you’re just there
had to do. In the meantime, though, the last thing you want to do is make it      because it’s the cool new thing to do.
painfully obvious to everyone in your section that you are, in fact, a newbie                But, beware: newbie Hawk fans can’t necessarily count on the
douche nozzle.                                                                    more seasoned Blackhawk fans to guide the way. Newbie fans should im-
                                                                                  mediately attempt to identify the uniquely drunken man in the sweat-stained
Here’s a list of things to remember to keep yourself from becoming that           polyester jersey procured from Gunzo’s in the early ‘80s. While he looks
guy...                                                                            like he has attended a large number of games in his life, as evinced by the
                                                                                  cigarette behind his ear, he probably can’t recall any of them.
           But before we start, let’s make sure we’re all clear here: This is                Do not emulate this man. And, if you can’t find him, just look
NOT a couple of crotchety Hawk fans complaining about ALL the newbies.            harder.
95% of the newbies are fine; we love you for the mere fact that you help fill                As you begin to study his behavior like a sociology PhD candidate
up the United Center on a nightly basis. We couldn’t have done this without       in Central Park, you’ll notice he commits the three deadly sins of Hawk fan-
you, and we hope you decide to stay for good.                                     dom, all of which involve yelling overly simplistic, uninformed instructions
           No, this is to the minority of fans who are giving us all a bad name   to Blackhawk players.
with their douche-like behavior. And, finally, all of the behavior mentioned                 First, the man will yell, “SHOOT!” on the power play. Listen,
below has been witnessed by one of us at some point during this season at         Cam Barker was the third overall pick in the 2004 NHL Draft; he’s twice
the UC.                                                                                                               won gold with Canada in World Junior
           Don’t even think about flying a                                                                            Championships; he played parts of five sea-
‘W’ flag or buying a ‘W’ t-shirt. This was                                                                            sons of major junior hockey in the WHL;
cute before the Winter Classic, but it’s been                                                                         and, he’s currently an NHL defensemen.
five months since the New Year’s Day clash                                                                            He’s been the power play quarterback at
at Wrigley Field, and few probably even                                                                               each of his career stops, and he knows - I
remember who won the game. So, why                                                                                    promise you - his team needs to “shoot”
are we still subjected to this garbage? The                                                                           to score goals on the power play. No one
Cubs have their own traditions; the Sox have their own traditions; the Bears      needs to tell him – even if the screamer plays “rat time” at Franklin Park
have their own traditions; the Bulls have their own traditions. Let’s leave       twice a week.
them all at their respective stadiums. We’re not going to show up to the Cell                Next, if you listen closely, he’ll attempt to begin a “Detroit sucks”
in July and applaud through the national anthem, and we’re not going to           chant. Nevermind you’re at a December game versus Anaheim with your
go to a Bulls game and scream, “SHOOT!” every time the ball crosses half          newbie friends and the hated Wings have won nine of the last ten Central
court.                                                                            Division crowns; this guy doesn’t care.
           Don’t attempt to leave your seat during play. Just trust us on this               Finally, the man will yell “Hit somebody” repeatedly. He doesn’t
one. The beer can wait; the beating you’re likely to receive won’t.               care the Hawks are killing a penalty or that the Blackhawk defensemen have
           Don’t substitute the word ‘Blackhawks’ into the songs, “Go Cubs        been caught on the ice for 80 seconds. ‘Tell someone who cares,’ he’ll say.
Go” or “Go-Go White Sox”. There’s nothing wrong with the song, “Here
Come the Hawks”. It’s just as cheesy as the aforementioned songs. The             We hope this helps.
Blackhawks have been around just as long as those two teams, so let’s let
them have their own lame song from a generation ago.                                         And, remember: we’re not doing this because of a selfish desire
           Don’t question why the Blackhawks aren’t wearing their Winter          to ridicule or discourage new fans. Quite the opposite, we’re doing this for
Classic jersey more often. In case you hadn’t noticed, the Blackhawks’            your own well being. Other grizzled veteran Hawk fans aren’t so nice, and
jerseys are some of the best in all of sports. While the Winter Classic jerseys   we’d like to make sure your newbie season isn’t your first and last.
were sweet, they still can’t compete with the beauties the Hawks wear on                     So, for all you newbies, follow these few, simple suggestions and
a nightly basis. Besides, the newbie douche nozzles will have plenty of           you too can avoid becoming a douche nozzle. The last thing the United
chances next year to wear their authentic Classic jerseys when the Hawks          Center needs to become is a safe haven for guys wearing two polo shirts
use them as their third jersey (assuming the newbies are still around at that     with their collars popped. The mere sight of that will kill the grizzled old
point).                                                                           meatballs.
           Don’t ask why the players are wearing shorts. Those aren’t shorts;
they’re called pants, and they contain enough padding to stop a bullet from       Come to think of it, maybe that’s not such a bad idea….
the barrel of a Civil War era musket. If players didn’t wear those, the entire
NHL would be on the injured list with the dreaded ‘lower-body injury’.            The Fifth Feather is written by Bob and John, and really is a superb Hawks
           Don’t ask why they sing “O Canada” before games involving a            blog, helping to make the Hawks blogosphere one of the best around. We’re
Canadian opponent. We’ll give the benefit doubt on this one because really,       also thankful to them for making the term “douche-nozzle” appear in our
other than the Blue Jays and Raptors coming to town a few times a year, no        pages, it’s long overdue.
other opponents north of the border visit Chicago. So maybe some people
don’t know better. With that being said, you would have had to have been
cranked over the head with a sledge hammer too many times to ask a ques-
   The Making of The
  Chicago Blackhawks
                                                                                    info in part provided by
    YEAR                     DRAFT                                   TRADE                               FREE AGENT
   2008-2009                                       Samuel Pahlsson (COL 7th round 1996) and        Brian Campbell (BUF 6th
                                                   Logan Stephenson (PHX 2nd round 2004) from      round 1997
                                                   ANA for James Wisniewski (CHI 5th round         Cristobal Huet (LA 7th round
                                                   2002) and Petri Kontiola (CHI 7th round 2004)   2001)
                                                                                                   Matt Walker (STL 3rd round
                                                                                                   Aaron Johnson (CLB 3rd round
   2007-2008      Patrick Kane (1st round)         Ben Eager (PHO 1st round 2002) from PHI for     Brent Sopel (VAN 6th round
                                                   Jim Vandermeer (FA PHI 2000)                    1995)
                                                   Andrew Ladd (CAR 1st round 2004) from
                                                   CAR for Tuomo Ruutu (CHI 1st round 2001)
   2006-2007      Jonathan Toews (1st round)       Martin Havlat (OTT 1st round 1999) from
                                                   OTT and Bryan Smolinski (BOS 1st round
                                                   1990) for Tom Preissing (FA SJ 2003), Josh
                                                   Hennessy (SJ 2nd round 2003) and Michael
                                                   Barinka (CHI 2nd round 2003)
                                                   Kris Versteeg (BOS 5th round 2004) from BOS
                                                   for Brandon Bochenski (OTT 7th round 2001)
   2005-2006      Niklas Hjalmarsson (4th round)   Patrick Sharp (PHI 3rd round 2001) from PHI     Nikolai Khabibulin (WIN 9th
                                                   for Matt Ellison (CHI 4th round 2002) and CHI   round 1992)
                                                   3rd round pick 2006
   2004-2005      Cam Barker (1st round)
                  Dave Bolland (2nd round)
                  Troy Brouwer (7th round)
   2003-2004      Brent Seabrook (1st round)       Colin Fraser (PHI 3rd round 2003), Jim Van-
                  Dustin Byfuglien (8th round)     dermeer (PHI FA 2000) and 2004 2nd round
                                                   pick from PHI for Alex Zhamnov and 2004 4th
                                                   round pick (WIN 4th round 1990)
   2002-2003      Duncan Keith (2nd round)
                  Adam Burish (9th round)

               GM HISTORY                                                          Head Coach-Joel Quenneville
Dale Tallon (2005-Present)                                                         Assistant Coach-John Torchetti
Bob Pulford (Too Fucking Long)                                                     Assistant Coach-Mike Haviland
Mike Smith (2001-2004)                                                             Assistant Coach- Marc Bergevin
Bob Murray (1999-2000)                                                             Goaltending Coach-Stephane Waite
 The Making of The
Vancouver Canucks
                                                                               info in part provided by
YEAR                 DRAFT                                TRADE                                 FREE AGENT
2008-2009                                Steve Bernier (SJ 1st round 2003) from BUF     Pavol Demitra (OTT 9th round
                                         for 2009 3rd round pick and 2010 2nd round     1993)
                                         pick                                           Darcy Hordichuk (ATL 6th round
                                         Shane O’Brien (ANA 8th round 2003) and         2000)
                                         Michel Ouellet (PIT 4th round 2000) from TB    Ryan Johnson (FLA 2nd round
                                         for Lukas Krajicek (FLA 1st 2001)              1994)
                                         Jason LaBarbera (NYR 3rd round 1998) from      Mats Sundin (QUE 1st round 1989)
                                         LA 2009 7th round pick                         Kyle Wellwood (TOR 5th round
                                                                                        2001)- off waivers
                                                                                        Rob Davison (SJ 5th round 1998)
                                                                                        Ossi Vaananen (PHX 2nd round
                                                                                        1998)-off waivers
2006-2007                                Taylor Pyatt (NYI 1st round 1999) from BUF     Wille Mitchell (NJ 8th round 1996)
                                         for 2006 4th round pick
                                         Roberto Luongo (NYI 1st round 1997), Lukas
                                         Krajicek (FLA 1st 2001), and 2006 6th round
                                         pick from FLA for Bryan Allen (VAN 1st round
                                         1998), Todd Bertuzzi (NYI 1st round 1993), and
                                         Alex Auld (FLA 2nd round 1999)
2005-2006   Mason Raymond (2nd                                                          Alex Burrows (Undrafted FA)
            round)                                                                      Rick Rypien (Undrafted FA)
2004-2005   Alex Edler (3rd round)
            Jannik Hansen (9th round)
2003-2004   Ryan Kesler (1st round)
2002-2003                                Sami Salo (OTT 9th round 1996) from OTT for
                                         Peter Schaefer (VAN 3rd round 1995)
2001-2002   Kevin Bieksa (5th round)
1999-2000   Daniel Sedin (1st round)
            Henrick Sedin (1st round)
1994-1995   Mattias Ohlund (1st round)

                GM HISTORY                                                 Head Coach: Alain Vigneault
  2007-Present: Mike Gillis                                                Asst. Coach: Rick Bowness
  2005-2007: Dave Nonis                                                    Asst. Coach: Ryan Walter
  1999-2005: Brian Burke                                                   Asst. Coach: Darryl Williams
  1988-1999: Pat Quinn                                                     Goaltending Coach: Ian Clark
                                                        The Hawks Record When...
 Playing at home............                                     27-10-8    Allowing a short-handed goal.........       2-4-1   Huet’s five-hole open like Lindsay Lohan’s.....             3-11-4
 Playing on road...........                                      24-18-4    Taking 30 or more shots.........          36-19-8   Getting obliterated on face-offs.......                    20-12-4
 Scoring first..........                                          35-7-5    Taking less than 30 shots.....             15-9-4   Are even close on face-offs.....                           31-16-8
 Opponent scores first........                                   16-21-7    Allowing 30 shots or more......            20-9-6   Eddie O tells crew to “stop it right here!”....          41-22-12
 Shoot the puck bimbo scores......                                  5-2-1   Allowing 30 shots or less.........        31-19-6   Eddie O tells us D have the forwards and forwards have the D
 Shoot the puck bimbo doesn’t score......                         22-7-7    100 Level doesn’t cheer for anthem.        23-8-8   during 4-on-4........                                    41-22-12
 Shoot the puck bimbo blows editors of Commited Indian..... 0-0-0           1st of a back-to-back......                 6-6-3   Pat Foley screws up a name......                         47-22-12
 Crack the Skye!!! ....                                            0-1-0    2nd of a back-to-back.....                  9-5-2   Ice Crew wear skirts.......                                  8-1-3
 Playing on a Monday..............                                  3-3-1   Opponent played night before....           11-5-2   Ice Crew wear pants.......                                   3-1-0
 Playing on a Tuesday................                               7-5-0   Taking more than 5 penalties.....         18-18-5   Ice Crew wear shorts....                                    16-8-5
 Playing on a Wednesday...........                                10-2-4    Taking 5 or less penalties....            33-10-7   Member of Ice Crew hilariously falls on her shapely ass.... 0-1-0
 Playing on a Thursday..............                                3-4-0   Seabrook gets a flat-footed penalty....     9-7-7   Leading after 2 periods......                               39-2-4
 Playing on a Friday................                                6-4-4   Burish takes a penalty.......              12-8-2   Losing after 2 periods......                                3-20-4
 Playing on a Saturday.............                               11-5-3    Keith takes a penalty.........             16-6-3   Tied after 2 periods.........                                9-6-4
 Playing on a Sunday................                              11-5-0    Sharp takes a penalty.......               10-3-2   In overtime..........                                          7-5
 Savard changes lines during game...                                1-2-1   Toews takes a penalty.....                 11-8-3   In shootout.......                                             4-7
 Coach Q keeps lines as they are.....                           50-26-11    Havlat takes a penalty....                  8-4-1   Cam Barker plays.......                                    43-24-9
 Are out-muscled by opponent....                                 11-22-4    Sopel takes a penalty......                 3-2-1   Cam Barker is in Rockford due to GM incompetence.....        6-2-3
 Outshoot opponent.......                                        37-18-7    Sopel looks 6 steps slow......              7-5-5   Lacking a #2 center........                                38-22-9
 Are outshot by opponent....                                     13-10-5    51 Phantom blows a coverage......         33-24-9   In 1-goal games.....                                       14-7-12
 Havlat shies from contact.........                               16-6-6    Toews is trying too hard......              3-8-3   In 2-goal games......                                      16-11-0
 Patrick Kane scores...............                               14-9-3    At least 1 fight in 300 Level...            5-4-4   In 3-goal games.......                                      11-6-0
 Jonathan Toews scores..........                                  18-3-6    No fights in 300 Level.....                19-5-4   In 4+ goal games......                                       9-3-0
 Martin Havlat scores.............                                19-5-2    Playing Eastern Conference.....             9-7-3   Scoring 3+ goals.....                                       47-9-8
 Patrick Sharp scores............                                 18-5-2    Playing Western Conference.....           42-22-9   Scoring less than 3 goals......                             4-18-4
 Dustin Byfuglien scores.........                                 10-3-1    Playing Central Division......             10-7-7   PA plays Ministry.......                                     0-0-0
 Dustin Byfuglien wins a foot-race??!!!!!.....                     3-1-0    Playing Northwest Division....            17-10-1   PA plays Modern Cock-Rock.....                             27-10-8
 Andrew Ladd scores.............                                  14-0-1    Playing Pacific Division                   15-5-1   PA plays Stranglehold.......                                 9-3-4
 Dave Bolland scores.........                                     12-2-5    Playing Atlantic Division                   2-3-2   PA plays P.J. Harvey........                                 0-0-0
 Adam Burish scores.......            5-2-1, and totally ruins that joke    Playing NASCAR Division                     4-1-0   Fraser fights......                                          7-3-1
 51 Phantom scores.......                                           4-3-1   Playing Northeast Division                  3-2-1   Burish fights.......                                         5-2-0
 Duncan Keith scores........                                        5-3-0   Playing in October....                      4-3-3   Seabrook fights.....                                         1-0-0
 Brent Seabrook scores......                                        5-1-2   Playing in November....                     6-3-3   Barker fights.........                                       0-0-2
 VerStud scores....                                               14-8-1    Playing in December......                  10-1-1   Buff fights.........                                         1-1-2
 Troy Brouwer scores....                                            8-0-0   Playing in January.....                     7-6-1   Sharp fights........                                         1-0-0
 Scoring a Power Play goal.......                               35-14-10    Playing in February.....                    7-4-1   Eager fights..........                                      11-4-2
 Not scoring a Power Play goal...                                16-13-2    Playing in March......                      6-7-2   On Comcast......                                           39-16-9
 Allowing a Power Play goal......                               22-21-10    Playing in April......                     10-3-1   On WGN.......                                               11-7-3
 Not Allowing a Power Play goal.......                            28-7-2    Playing in May....                          1-1-0   On Vs........                                                1-6-0
 Scoring a short-handed goal...........                             7-2-0   UC plays really stupid goal song.....      27-6-8   On NBC....                                                   1-1-0

       Not going to the game?

Get The Committed
Indian via Email!
 $2 per issue, $5 per round, $15 for the
           rest of the playoffs!

 Just go to www.secondcity- and look for the
       link on the left.

Shared By: