READY ! GOLF !
The Official Thistle Golfers Newsletter –
Special “Special Issue” Issue
H & M announce surprise Kate Moss replacement.
Geoffers S. applies his lippy before a fashion shoot.
Swedish clothing chain Hennes & Mauritz yesterday took the modelling world by storm when they revealed that
popular male model Geoffers S would now be the H&M face for 2006 and beyond. In what was seen as an
ultra conservative backlash against the drug taking, waif like Miss Moss, insiders nevertheless warned that
Geoffers S was not without his bad points (see pages 3 –37 for full list).
One source stated “Once he’s had a couple of dark rums and pep, we’re talking about a cross between Ben Elton
and Russell Crowe – fast talking and hard fighting, no hang on, that’s Mike Byers. Are you talking about the
one who looks like a stoat?” Another quipped “I’ve shared a lift with him and now I know why he’s called the
silent assassin – that guff would make good paint stripper”.
A spokesman for H&M said “I drive a Volvo and eat Smorgesbord for breakfast”. BoB said “I agree with
It is proposed that the postponed Autumn outing will take place on the weekend of 1st April 2006 as it should be
too baltic for a “family barbeque” then, won’t it Stoozie. Baldy is to contact the Argonauts to get the format
sorted and see about numbers, venue etc., so he’ll start around Easter next year. Can I ask that anyone interested
lets me know asap or sooner if possible.
Thistle 2006 Dates
To avoid confusion, the 2006 date has been confirmed as falling on the Friday following 18 weeks after
Autumn Competition – “Spot the Looney”
Simply mark your cross against where you think the
looney’s brains are and post your answer, together
with your entry cheque of £100 to:-
Seor W. T. Lindsay
Costa Del Sol
Saddam Plans Early Return to Power
Your investigative reporter, Bobby Sachar, reveals that “Vote Saddam” posters have been seen in production in
the Grantown area, suggesting that the despot, assuming he isn’t put against a wall and shot, still harbours a
desire for world domination. Bobby writes that Saddam’s plans are understood to include the building of a
supergun to hit the green on the 11th and using the Republican Guard primarily to ward off the oystercatchers at
the 2nd. Saddam was quoted last month as saying “This jail lark fair mucks up your golf, I could see my
handicap rising to 38”.
KILLER BILL II – Notes from the Hon Sec!
Sad to relate, no PSB wins this month. It’s a real shame as my New Orleans holiday home is
in dire need of repair, albeit at least the swimming pool remains full to overflowing. To help
things along, I’ve invested a further £1,500 of our surplus in PSBs so they’ll be producing
returns (subject to standard £50 max) in early 2006.
I’ve completed the 2005 accounts which Luggy was stupid enough to sign off. I knew he
wouldn’t spot a bit of creative accounting especially as I made sure that we declared a
healthy surplus. I can’t believe how easy it is for Thistle to make money – has any dobber
EVER declared a deficit?
Just to confirm there’s no change to the 2006 date – it’s Friday 12th May to Sunday 14th May. All bookings have been
made (honest) and there’s a slight change in that we’re booked for DBB on the Friday but only B&B on the Saturday – it
keeps the options for a curry open but ensures that AGM and Election can take place on the Friday as usual.
Hon Sec and Chairman-in-waiting
(as Bill is currently on holiday, this was dictated to his PA, Daphne Gash, by videolink from his Tuscan holiday home)
Player Profile #4 – Mike Byers
Springing to fame in “Waynes World”, Mike has gone on to star in many films including “So I married an Axe
Murderer” and the “Austin Powers” Series. Originally born in Canada, Mike emigrated to Scotland when, as he
put it, “thoase Canadian farquhars couldnae understand whoat a sausage on a roall woas”. Since his move, his
career has flourished although the Thistle Jacket still eludes him – still as Mike always says “Are you lookin’
foar a soare face?”
“Shhhh. I don’t wan’t
that effer coming round
and putting my effen
windaes in again. Still,
don’t you think that
Mikey looks like a cross
between an effen thug Mike Byers stars in
and a raving woofter?” “Sausage on a roll” John Malkowich
in BBC’s “Crimewatch”
++++++++STOP PRESS +++++++++
Lofty Admits “I really am a Barclays Banker”
The financial world was rocked this week by the revelation that Allan “Lofty” Bremner was leaving Bank of
Scotland to take up a new role at Barclays Banking Corporate in Glasgow. It believed Lofty will be heading up
the Chappati and Boti Kebabs Futures section or as he puts it “Oh deary, deary me, you mean the number 13’s
and 48’s”. We wish him well in his new job.
Yours, looking forward to Epiphany,
Luggy Webmeister (Chairman and Director of Communications)
The publishers of Ready! Golf! apologise to anyone not personally insulted in this issue
Website : thethistlegolfers.co.uk