Woman To Woman
The Men We Choose. The Women They Want.
By: Delores Jones, MSW
For $2,500 dollars a woman living in New York has the option to join The Harlem Club,
a private business and social club where college educated, successful African American
and Latino men, pay between $5,000 (advisory board member) to $3,500 (general yearly
member) to gather to network and talk business. The men have two primary business
goals – to marry and have children with a woman who is between the ages of “21 to 39
years of age, college educated, single with no kids and beautiful,” according to the club’s
founder Thomas Lopez-Pierre. Lopez-Pierre says members of The Harlem Club believe
belonging to the club is the best way for them to avoid “hoodrats rolling up on them
talking about “yo yo yo baby, what’s up, what’s up,” and pulling on their arm, as if they
are a side of beef.”
For a woman, getting into The Harlem Club is like applying for a job with a modeling
agency. After a woman completes an application and submits a full body photo of herself
in a swimsuit, the men decide if she is in or out. If she has skills but still has a few extra
pounds to work on (overweight women are not welcome) she might be given the option
to pay $2,500 to join. Women who are accepted into The Harlem Club receive “respect
for their intellect and have a higher appreciation for their beauty,” Lopez-Pierre told one
As unbelievable as the story may sound, it is true and has been the case since 2004, when
The Harlem Club was organized by investment bankers, accountants, lawyers and other
professional Black and Latino men living in New York. Is this unfortunate? Maybe. Is
it insulting? Perhaps. The reality is this is just one group of men who have decided to
honestly share their method for choosing a woman rather we like it or not.
Now before you decide to challenge a man with this sort of mindset, consider this. This is
“his truth” as he sees it and it becomes “truth” to those who also believe this and accept
it. Instead of using your mental and emotional energy to convince someone with this
kind of perceptive to change, redirect your focus and become clear about what you value
about yourself most and who is intellectually, mentally, spiritually and emotionally
equipped to identify, appreciate and co-exist with the true essence of a “substantial
(significantly great) woman.”
In order to do this you must know your self worth. “Who can find a virtuous (of noble
character) woman? For her price is far above rubies….Strength and dignity are her
clothing…...She speaks with wisdom; and her tongue is the law of kindness…..”
(Proverbs 31:10, 25 & 26 KJV, NIV). She also realizes that “charm is deceptive, and
beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31: 30).
It’s not unrealistic for a man to share his preferences as in the case with the male
members of The Harlem Club. However, it is unfortunate when we underestimate our
self worth and are not willing to stand firmly upon standards and principles that affirm
our true value which can only be defined from within ourselves and not by others
personal opinions, advertisements and preferences. If we miss this, chances are we might
sell ourselves short. If you have ever made a trip to a museum full of fine art work and
statues, you’ve probably noticed that these items are usually not for sale, they are to be
admired. Those interested in buying the items may purchase the prints or the look-a-likes
but not the original. The original is priceless.
Having an understanding of your priceless originality (“I am fearfully and wonderfully
made,” Psalms 139:14) and your role in the process of choosing a man and not
necessarily being chosen by one will help you operate from a point of consideration and
not desperation. Desperation is about grabbing hold of whatever is available and going
through unnecessary changes for fear of not having what you really want and deserve.
Consideration is seeking real truth and the supporting evidence before taking action.
Choosing and pursuing are not to be used interchangeably. They are not the same thing.
To pursue means to follow in hopes of capturing. A man’s role is to pursue you and a
woman’s role is to carefully consider the man in pursuit of her. Let’s not get it twisted.
No matter what his occupation is, what clubs or organizations he belongs to or what
clothing designer’s name is written inside his suit or printed on his tee-shirt, know your
role and act it out. For help with writing or re-writing your personal script for choosing a
suitable man, check out the book, Choosing God’s Best by Dr. Don Raunikar. Don’t
forget, the choice is yours. Choose wisely.
Email questions and comments to: firstname.lastname@example.org.