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Jokes

VIEWS: 24 PAGES: 62

									                        The Great Big Book of

                Hilarious Jokes
                To Share With Your Friends!

            NOTE: This ebook is for adults. It contains occasional
             instances of strong language and sexual reference.

  You’re free to give this ebook to your friends, your website
visitors, your Twitter Followers, your neighbors, your cat, that
          cousin you haven’t see since you were a kid…
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his trousers. The Bartender says,
"Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?" The man replies "I don't know, but it’s
driving me nuts".

************************

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Bud. He says "Give me a beer before
problems start!" The bartender doesn't understand but gives the man a beer.

After 15 minutes the man orders a beer again saying "Give me a beer before problems
start!" The bartender looks a little bit confused but pours the man a beer.

This goes on the whole night and after the 15th beer the bartender is totally confused
and asks the man "What do you mean with before problems start? And when are you
going to pay for all the beers you drunk."

The man answers "You see, now the problems start!"

************************
ATTORNEY: On July 25th you went by the duck enclosure on your farm.
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: So you passed within a few yards of the enclosure
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Did you notice anything special?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Could you tell us what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
ATTORNEY: You saw George, the accused in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Can you tell us what George was doing?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: So, please tell us.
WITNESS: He had his thing in one of the ducks.
ATTORNEY: His ‘thing’?
WITNESS: You know… his dic… I mean his penis.
ATTORNEY: You passed near to the duck enclosure, the light was good, you were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you clearly saw what you just described?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Did you say something to him?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: I said “Morning George.”

************************




************************

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street
when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do
that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

************************

Actual Call Center Calls

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you
help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we’re open."

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug
the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now,
can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland "

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
number on."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK'
button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

************************
************************

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother.

The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will
come true!"

Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.

The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish
didn't come true!" and mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

************************

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two
female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asks.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?!"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the
Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis
and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.

"Thank you," the woman said, "this may be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her
in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do
you want to have some fun?

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put
the beads away, Frankie, our prayers have been answered!"

************************




************************
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog

************************

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

************************

A man goes to the zoo - but when he arrives there is only a dog.............

..........it was a Shitzu!

************************
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He Concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President
sits, head in hands. Finally he looks up and asks.......... ''How many is a Brazillion??!'

************************
************************

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already
occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat
down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"

I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad
thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"

Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo. How about you?"

I then heard the voice for the third time ....."Sorry buddy, I'll have to call you back.
I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

************************

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall
asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that
Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you?”

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen
our tent.”

***********************




***********************

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking
another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that the man was slowly sliding
down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the
woman, “Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn't. He just walked
in the door.”

***********************




***********************
Q - Where's the English Channel?

A - I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.

***********************

An English teacher wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the
blackboard and asked the students to punctuate it so that it made sense.

The boys wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The girls wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

*************************
************************

Just before Thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim keels
over and collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Eddie
gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, “My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, Eddie says, “OK, now what?”

************************

Q: What's the difference between a mathematician and a statistician?

A: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line while a
statistician wants more data.

************************

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

************************

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were
drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to
one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in
a minute."
************************
************************

One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It
was a brilliant lecture.

Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and
approached the teacher.

She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give
you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."

Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a
magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first
words from a man with infinite wisdom.

He said, "It would have been wiser to take the money..."

************************

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally
farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing that everyone in the
place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
************************

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen
my brother?" The barman asks "What does he look like?"

************************

There was a bar with a sign that read "Pianist Wanted." A guy walks in there and says
"I'm here for the pianist job." The owner says "Well, play us a tune and if you're good
enough then you've got the job." He sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the
owner in tears.

"What a great song! What's it called?" the manager asks.

"It's called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife's doin’ my brother!"

"Um, that's strange, but play us one more tune."

The man plays another tune and this time the manager breaks down with tears.
"What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks. "The frog takin’ a shit and the camel
with 3 humps!" he replies.

The manager told him that he had the job on one condition: he must not tell the
customers the names of the songs he is playing. He started playing that night. After
every song he would get a standing ovation.
After about 2 hours he stood up and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to take a
quick break and I will return in a few moments." So he ducked into the toilets to take
a slash.

On his way out a man passing said "Hey, do you know your zips undone and your
cock’s hangin’ out!" "Know it, I wrote it!"

************************

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"

************************

Two drunks are in a bar.
First one: "My wife is an angel"
Second one: "You’re lucky! Mine is still alive."

************************
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but
will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their
dad for the clue.

Well, he said, “It's what mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screams to her brother

“Don't eat it, it's an asshole.”

************************

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says "No way buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathroom, and again he slurs
"Give me a drink." Bartender says "No, man, I told you last time you're too drunk."

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again
the bartender says "You're too drunk." The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn
I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

************************

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You’re going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?"

"No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."

************************

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar…

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

************************

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fur?" and
the rabbit replies "No, not really."

“Great” says the bear as he picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

************************
************************

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger
sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it
stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow
again?"

************************

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: get a huge block of marble, then chip
away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

************************

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on
display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied, "the good news is that a
gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

************************




************************

Q: How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

************************

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on
the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and orders another
double martini. After he finishes that one, he peeks inside his shirt pocket again and
orders yet another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta
tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, I know it's time to go home."

************************




************************

A woman tells her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her
breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it
without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

************************
************************

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this
beer, do not drink!"

After a few minutes he returns and there’s another sign next to his beer saying, "So
did I!"

************************

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says
"Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"

So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, let’s see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it
in the gator’s mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head
with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick
without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

************************




************************

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy
seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't
know if you’re the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."

Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem,
miss."

She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he
begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"

She goes, "Can you tell the manager something for me?"

The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

************************
************************

There was this guy whose favorite bar was called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar was closed, so
he waited outside for it to open.

He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked,
"What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can
get a drink."

************************

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe
drinks so much it passes out on the floor.

The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You
can't leave that lyin' there!"

The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! That's a giraffe."

************************

A woman walks into a bar with her 5-pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this
guy, whom she notices is looking a little bit queasy.

A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and suddenly throws up.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I
don't remember eating that!"

************************
There were two men in a building site.

One of them said "Can you help me find my ear"

The other one, holding up an ear, asked "Is this it"

"No” replied the first one, “mine has a pencil behind it"

************************

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to do it, and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

************************

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a
bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hey there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing
it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."

He says: "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

************************
A big grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’d like a large bourbon
and ............................................................................................ a coke."

"No problem,” says the bartender, “but why the big pause?"


A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

“No problem,” says the bartender, “but why the long face?”

************************

Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"

Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

************************




************************

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

"Didn't your company hire a new accountant just last week?” the friend asks.

“Yes”, the businessman replies, "that's the new accountant we're looking for."
************************
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic
teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with
a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all
by yourself."

************************




************************

Theory is when you know everything but nothing is working.

Organization is when nothing is working but everyone knows why.
Practice is when everything is working but no one knows why.

************************

Two guys are talking while sitting on a bench in the park.

"All of my ancestors followed the medical profession." said the first.

"Doctors?" queried the second.

"Nope. Undertakers and lawyers."

************************
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom: "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son: "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom: "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son: "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up
one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom: "Now what do I do?"

Son: "Get your lazy ass out of bed, get downstairs, and fix that kid some f**king ice
cream."

************************

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.

"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the
shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Christopher Columbus was the best deal-maker in history. He left not knowing where
he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not
knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

************************

A worker was called to the office by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.

Supervisor: "Is it true that you called him a liar?"

Worker: "Yes, I did."

Supervisor: "Did you call him stupid?"

Worker: "Yes."

Supervisor: "And did you call him an opinionated, bullheaded egomaniac?"

Worker: "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

************************
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle
of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine
A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

************************

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar
tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette
vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts
screaming and shouting at him.

He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says
"The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

************************
A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist.

"I went for a hair transplant" the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you
can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you
$5000."

"No problem," said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head.

************************




************************

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for
long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I
take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it
with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

************************
The personnel manager was explaining the job to an applicant. "We make parts for
microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an
inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a
delicatessen."

************************




************************

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my
spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice "How much
do you want it to be?"

************************

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On
their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they
ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother,
“Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and
an honest man.'”

************************




************************

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think *you're* going
to find a lawyer?"

************************
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.

Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

************************
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

************************

An applicant was asked if he was familiar with any machines. He said "Four." "That's
great. What are the four machines?" He said "Coke, coffee, candy, and cigarette."

************************




************************

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

************************
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid
we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves
inside you."

Patient: "Well, if that’s all, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

************************

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, you might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 hours! That’s terrible!! What could be worse?! What's the very bad
news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

************************




************************
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left
ear and a banana in his right ear.

Man: "What's the matter with me?"

Doctor: "You're not eating properly."

************************




“Doctor” said the patient, “are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I once heard
of a doctor treating someone with pneumonia -- and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, that won't happen to me”, the doctor replied. “If I treat someone with
pneumonia he’ll die of pneumonia."

************************

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What
happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and pshhhhh! I
accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, then I had to call the doctor!"

************************
************************

The woman applying for work in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for
the job.

Foreman: "Look Miss, have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

Woman: "Well, as a matter of fact, yes! I've been divorced three times."

************************

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married
you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

************************

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

************************

The young lady, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a
man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"

************************
************************

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and
were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we
could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

************************

Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend Johnny who was a midget. Suddenly,
out of nowhere, the Pope walks in!

Johnny turns to the guys and says, “That's it, I'm going ask him."

So he walks up to the Pope and asks "Your Holiness, are there midget nuns in New
York?", "No." says the Pope "Are there midget nuns in America?" "No." says the Pope
"Are there midget nuns anywhere in the world?" "No." says the Pope.

His friends burst out laughing and start chanting, "Johnny screwed a penguin,
Johnny screwed a penguin..."

************************
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done
for free.

************************




************************

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep
him.

************************

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

************************

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" her friend asked.

"A billionaire" she replied.

************************
************************

A little boy asked his father "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the
father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

************************

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her?"

Father: "That happens in every country, son."

************************

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

************************

Q. What’s the difference between a run over dog and a run over lawyer?

A. The dog has skid marks before it

************************
************************

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

************************

Three men were gathering one day to talk about how successful their sons were.

The first man says, "My son has been so successful as a lawyer that he got a mansion
and shares it with his friend."

The second man says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a
convertible and a private jet for his friend."

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so successful. In fact, I just learned he
was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing okay though because he
lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertible."

************************

Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in
your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

Boy: "Somebody else's pants."

************************
************************

Three nuns die in a car crash. They go up to heaven and, when they meet St. Peter at
the gates, he explains that, before they can come in, they’ll each have to answer a
question.

“But”, he says “don't worry, the questions are very easy.”

So he asks one of the nuns what was the name of the first woman and she says “Eve”.
“Yep”, he says, “that’s it, in you go.”

So he asks the next nun where Eve lived and she says “The Garden of Eden”.
“Yep”, he says, “that’s it, in you go.”

Then he turns to the third nun. “Seeing as you’re a Mother Superior”, he says, “I’m
going to make the question a little bit more difficult.”

So he asks the Mother Superior what Eve said when she first saw Adam. “Oooh, that’s
a hard one” said the Mother Superior. “Yep”, he says, “that’s it, in you go.”

************************

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the
problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

************************

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use
dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were
floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence
in human nature has been rudely shaken."

************************




************************

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After
looking the man over he says "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes
are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

************************

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.

Policeman: "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

Woman: "Well, I have contacts."

Policeman: "I don't care who you know! You're still getting a ticket!"

************************




************************

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

************************
Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?"

Johnny: "I don’t know."

Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark!"

Johnny: "Woof, woof..!"

************************




************************

So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say they’re great.
They teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a
dragon. Just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded
money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!

************************
One day the devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament.

Smiling, the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani,
Kimura and all the greatest players up here".

"Yes", sniggered the devil, "but I have all the referees."

************************

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the
time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 5 to 8,"
explained the clerk.

"Look here," said the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

************************




************************

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As
the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde
sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After
a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for
the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

************************

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager
immediately recognized them for what they were but could not throw them out,
instead he decided to be clever.

In the morning they came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owed
$3000.

"How's this? We've only been here one night!" said the man, annoyed.

"So?" said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis
courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very
expensive to keep up."

"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.

"If you didn't use them - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a
night, so please settle your bill," said the man.

"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your
wife!"

"If you didn't use her - that's your problem!"

************************

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate
dinner for two.

"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
"Anything for your wife?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

************************

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very
much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this
hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the
night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you,
you're welcome to stay here, too."

************************




************************

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says,
"This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

************************

Tarzan

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses.
A: “Who the heck are they!?”

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Ha! You fooled me once with your disguises, but not this time!"

************************

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down,
measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner
nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the
goddamn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to
make this a perfect shot."

"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

************************

A woman playing golf was stung by a bee. Afraid she'd have an allergic reaction, she
ran back to the clubhouse to find the pro.

Finding him, she says breathlessly, "I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?"

"Where were you stung?" the pro asks.

"Between the first and second hole!" she replies.

"Lady, we gotta work on your stance."

************************
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"

"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"

"Your name on this report card."

************************

The child comes home from his first day at school.

Mother: "What did you learn today?"

Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

************************
A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other
side.

She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?"

After a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

************************

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

Father: "What's the f***ing difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

************************

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."

************************

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased
uses improper language."

"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."

"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an
infinitive."

************************

Four People

This is a story about four people, named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and
Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody
would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this, because
it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised
that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

************************

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders
offered to present him with a bottle on one condition… that the Pastor acknowledge
receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," replied the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the
"appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder
Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

************************




************************

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to
much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of the two weevils.

************************
A Jew and a Christian were arguing about the ways of their religion.

The Jewish man said, "You people have been taking things from us for thousands of
years. The Ten Commandments, for instance."

The Christian replied, "Well, it's true that we took the Ten Commandments from you,
but you can't actually say that we've kept them!"

************************




************************

Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food
39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt Head

26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Childproof

21. "Now, then ..."

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate

1. Microsoft Works

************************

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a Goodnight story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his
wrinkled cheek. By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his
again.

Finally, she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, Sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she said.
Then, "Granddaddy, did God make me, too?"

"Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while ago." "Oh,"
she said.

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now, isn't
He?"

************************
************************

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by
the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into
the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels,
he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a
booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe
in the Loch Ness monster either!"

************************

I wonder…

1.Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

2.What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

3.What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?

4.If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

5.If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

6.If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on
'Shortland St'?
7.If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

8.If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you
money?

9.If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

10.If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

************************




************************

Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95…

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A
LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

Canadians: This is Rocky Point Lighthouse. Your call.

************************

Dear Son:

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most
accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we moved. This place has a
washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't
seen them since.

It's only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second
time.

The coat you wanted me to send, your Aunt Sue said was too heavy to mail with all
those big buttons on it so we cut them off and they're in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on
Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday --
some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We
cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in
the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back
couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too.

Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more
next time.

Love, Your Mama

P.S. Was gonna send you some money but already had this sealed up.

************************

A man sitting through the first quarter of the Super Bowl can't help but notice the
conspicuously vacant seat next to the man to the right of him.

Wanting to make polite conversation he leans over to the man and says "Can you
believe someone paid all that money for a seat to the Super Bowl and then doesn't
show up?"

The man turns to him and says "That's my wife's seat she recently passed away." "Oh
I am so sorry to hear that." the first man said, "didn't anyone else in your family want
the Ticket?"
The second man never took his eyes from the football game, "Sure, they did, but
they're all at the funeral."

************************




************************

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One
hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house
and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to
health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the back door, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and
asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the
town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You
have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, OK." So he gets on the horse and
says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank
God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God,
thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just about takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the
horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!! "Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" and the horse
skids to a stop 4 inches from the edge of the cliff.
The man sinks slowly back into the saddle, sighs deeply, and lets out a heartfelt,
"Thank God"

************************




************************

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word after an earlier
discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives
of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

************************

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and
all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor
leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my
Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

************************
           That’s All Folks!
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