DiHHtlt Cult Of,
11!1 PACIIIS PersoV\al'
VOLUME 40, No. 23 APRIL FOOLS 1
Doobie smokers' future in JeoPardy SGA meeting freezes
BuycK One due to motions ·
AsSISTANT TAIL CHASER
By Old Friends Parliamentary Proce-
In a startling discovery, dures allow meetings to be
security office.rs for UW- <;onducted in a more or-
Stevens Point stumbled The duties of Student derly and understandable
upon a secret tunnel be- fashion, but apparently a
tween two campus dorms, few senators didn't under-
came to a screeching halt
Roach and Hyer. stand the
after a mo-
"It appears someone process.
has built a tunnel connect- Accord-
ing the two halls," Johnny ing to a
Six-Shooter, Director of university
Security, confirmed. "Our
reports indicate that stu- signed by
dents use the tunnel for e v e r y
smoking marijuana, of all S G A
ing to a
The security officer "no per-
who discovered the tunnel A stoner struggles to find the entrance to the hidden tunnel where his friends
the Univer- son can
said he was just on a regu- continue to smoke u Jane
sity Center, leave the
lar patrol route when he weekly
came upon a refrt?shing meetings
ing a bag of Cheetos. cials voted
"The student said his to vote to
"I noti·ced a funky
name was Smokey. He was not to vote, voting to
smell when I was check- adjourn
obviously high when we therefore
ing out the dorms," said
found him," said Six- leaving the for the
officer Frank Cannabis. "I night."
Shooter. "This individual meeting
followed the smell and I Due to the
claimed he lived in the tun- stuck within
came across this tunnel." contract SGA officials will
nel and would only leave it its own parliamentary pro-
Officers found numer- Hyer Hall Roach Hall
to fmd food, buy cigarettes, cedure process. not be able to leave the
ous rooms that branch off ·
and to occasionally attend Center C-Store, man," said visitor to the tunnel, but "It was all weird and meeting room until semes-
the tunnel where students was not present when the ter ends, causing the termi-
class." Smokey. · "I've been in it; stuff," said the janitor, who
were relaxing to the discovery was made. nation of thtir contract.
Smokey described to where else. would I buy was waxing light fixtures.
sounds of Bob Marley and "Man, usually I'd be The janitor reported
security officers the exist- overpriced cereal?" "The SGA peoples just
Led Zepplin. in that tunnel, packin' a that the last few words he
ence of another tunnel un- One witness to the dis- stopped moving and they
. Officers detained one bowl for all my buds,"
derneath the campus. covery of the underground haven't moved for almost
student when they found Blunt said. "But Trem- SEE FREEZE ON PAGE 7
"I know there is a tun- smoking lounge, Phil a week."
him huddled in the comer
nel that leads to the Allen Blunt, said he's a regular SEE TUNNEL ON PAGE 3
Beer company spews out truth
kcin keramztak those fools fell for it, then ment when they were ap-
EviL TwiN that's their problem," the proached about the suspi-
board commented. cious similarity of their
In a surprise announce- The announcement product to Busch Light.
ment on Saturday, the caused a general furor, es- However; Rhonda
board of directors at pecially here at UW-SP, Symmons, a line worker at
Anheuser-Busch confessed ·w here the percentage of their plant in Milwaukee,
that their beer product beer drinkers is a bit higher commented, "It does taste
Busch Light, a perennial than at other institutions. a little funny, doesn't it?
favorite at OW-Stevens "This is my favorite And we don't have a liquor
Point and campuses across beer," lamented UW-SP license, either.
the nation, is actually freshman Johnny Quest Hmmmm ... "
canned water. when asked about the rev- Attached to the an-
"We want the beer · elation. "Now I just don't nouncement was the fact
drinking population out know what to do. Do I still that another product of
there to know that this was drink it, or look for a new Anheuser-Busch, Icehouse,
not an oversight. It was, beer?"
in fact, a profit making Milwaukee's Best ex- SEE BEER ON PAGE l8
scheme from the start. If ecutives refused to com~ down Old Main. See story on Page 1"4. (Photo by John Doe)
Editor·s Note : !"he contents of this \\eek·s ne\\ spaper are 100% satirical\\ ith the e:\ception of our ach ertisements.
PAGE 2 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Do you enjoy having-sex?
Monday, March 31
• Two individuals wearing No Fear T-shirts were escorted down
to the Camp1;1s Security Headquarters where officers took turns
beating them with baseball bats. According to an observer of the
beating; one of the boys kept yelling the words, "I ain't scared. I
• Officers reported that the OW-SP football team, while being
Actress & Grabber trained by Richard Simmons, was dressed up in zebra-striped
spandex working out to the tune of Louie, Louie.
"Well, I don't recall at ·~well, you know I enjoy "Whether it was number "I think if it ever hap-·
this moment. Why don't many things. One of them one or number 16,000; I pened to me, I'd ·really· Sunday, March 30
you ask Nancy; I've been might just be sex. Like the enjoyed every minute of enjoy it. But until it • Security reports indicate an O.F.O. attempted to land next to
busy trying to remember time I sang the National it. Especially that one does, I can't say for sure. the enormous phallic symbol that supposedly heats the ·campus.
where my jelly beans Anthem. I really enjoyed floozy in Detroit. Man I do enjoy painting. I Officers claim that aliens came to Stevens Point to find lifelong
are. Oh, Easter Bunny!" that! Sex can be just as she could ... ahh, never hope I never experience partners. "It's interglactic mating season," said a neon sign hung
fun as grabbing my, well mind." · sex; I warit to still be able
you know." well on the phallic symbol.
Friday, March 28 _
• The director of Watson Hall reported the Stevens Point Fire
Tremors Nightclub features new additions Department came to the dorm and pulled a fire alarm. Authorites
claim this is a new money making scheme, as the dorm is charged
$10,000. In a r~lated story, the Stevens Point Fire Department is
Dance, Dance, and some drunken romance buying three new fire trucks with funds they mysteriously received.
into the club, along with all the drinks like brandy on the rocks.
By John Delissio drinks you can handle. Tremors is ready to serve the Thursday, March 27
COUNTRY LINE DANCER
The club has enough excess needs of every freak that attends • Three foot long rats escaped from the slaughterhouse in the
in its budget to fund the next two the club. Elizabeth F. Pffiner DeBot Center. Managers on the scene say the
OW-Stevens Point's very own years. Apparently, the club is look- rats were being killed while students were on spring break, so no
underage dance club has added a "Not only can students come ing at another change in the near witnesses would see what exactly is in the veggie burgers. "At
new feature to its weekend enter- and have a great time--dancing, future. According to Ellis, a pro- least they won't know what is in the pudding," mumbled one DeBot
. tainment. The club now will they can now throw a few down posal is in the works to add strip- official.
highlight an open bar on nights for good measure," Ellis said. per cages at various locations on
of normal operation. Tremors stu- OW-SP student F.R. Dent the floor. Some details need to be Tuesday, March 25
dent manager Aaron Ellis said said, "Now my girlfriend Polly worked out, but he expects the • Security Officers discovered fast-maturing marijuana grow-
the bar is a fabulous addition to and I can experience everything cage to open next fall. ing near the lake in the Schmeekle Reserve. Botanist Peter Von
the club. the night life has to offer at OW- Temors is located in the heart Torgensen claims the rapid growth of the plants is from beaners
"I think the bar will offer the SP, all at one place." of the OW-SP campus and is and residue left behind from the pot-heads wandering the woods
students of OW-SPa chance to In the past, students dropped open to everyone on Thursday, every night.
get wasted at the club at the the hammer before coming to Friday, and Saturday nights from
University's expense," said Ellis. Tremors, but now as Ellis said, nin~ until one, with the excep- Saturday, March 22
Students now will pay three "We have it all." tion of April when the club ex- • Campus security officers reported 7,000 students were miss-
dollars instead of two at the door. · The bar will serve an assort- tends its hours until 2 a.m. ing from campus. Reports state they were abducted by aliens fol-
The charge will cover admittance ment of beer and old fashion lowing the Hale-Bopp Comet. ·
Plans for a new hall discussed Protective Services' Tip of the Century
People in automobiles are more likely to be participants in
on a nightly basis and standards will increase yearly accidents involving other automobiles. One-hundred percent of
By Ben Nowhere to get rid of slackers in the program." those involved in automobile accidents were riding in the automo
CITY TRASH COMPACTER bile at the time of the accident. The Automobile Association of
The center of the residence hall will harbor a huge
vat of a new Point beer, in which students can buy America said chances of surviving such an accident are much
With enrollment numbers expected to rise in better for those who ride outside the car, such as on the roof,
bottles with their food or personal points. Wasser re-
the thousands at OW-Stevens Point, administra- hood, trunk or by hanging on to the suspension.
ported the beer would be made from I 00% pure Wis-
tive officials have signed a contract, in collation
consin River water.
with the Point Brewing Co., to build a new resi- This tip is contributed by Tailgaters Anonymous, a profitable
"The new brew, leaning on the lite side, will have
dence hall. In a closed meeting at Point Brew- organization.
its own unique taste," Wasser said.
ery, Chancellor Thomas George, Governor
Governor Thompson strongly ~upports the
Tommy Thompson, and Point President Brun too early to begin criticizing par-
Wasser discussed the final details of a 900,000
university's decision, which will eventually lead to the
abolishment of state assisted fees. Pointer liamentary procedure.
"We're confident that the sys-
square-foot expansion onto the brewery. The hall "OW-Stevens Point will be at the cutting edge of CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
will house 2,000 noteworthy students. residence hall living conditions," Thompson said. tem will eventually pan out for
"This past Monday, we spent us the way it has been so effec-
· "The new building will give students an op- Thompson also noted that this story really needs
portunity to be closer to the downtown area," to fill some space. Maybe you could talk about the fifteen minutes voting whether tive for SGA," said News Editor
said Chancellor Thomas George. great successes of my career. we were going to vote on voting Kris Wagner:
The new hall will house only undergradu- to critique the Outdoors Section," The Pointer is confident that
ates who me~t a specific criteria. 1. nothing said Assistant Sports Editor Ryan they will not become temporarily
Lins. "The meeting started at 5 frozen like SGA is now.
"Admission standards will be altered due to 2. still smells
the new building," said Dave Eckholm Director p.m. and we didn't even get to "I have confidence that no one
of Admissions and Records. "OW-SP students the sports section until 8:30 on the staff will vote to vote to
Bye ... Bye! p.m.!"
will have to drink at least a 12 pack minimum not to vote," said Editor-in-ChieT
Others on the staff feel it is Mike Beacom.
PAGE 3 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997
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PAGE 4 APRIL FOOLS 1997 1
, ---~------ S•••ze
UW-SP follows elite colleges' regulations
By Nitsud· Kcebrevo "I was really glad to know that midway thr6ugh the semester. I
fLYCATCHER my grievance over the loss ofmy want to emphasize that killing
roommate was advantageous to one's roommate does 'not denote
Student Government Asso- my academic career goals," said an automatic 4.0 [for the semes-
Yerkey. ter]. Only accidental deaths are
frat boys attempted a takeover of the 'srg.~£ ciation (SGA) recently approved
Campus security is beefing up considered," reports security of-
l 'ht~v· t1eclarE~t1 that Pepsi is the ultimate supreme beirtg a new UW-Stevens Point campus its emergency response team and ficer, Vladamir Horowisz.
---,.-.-- .---their mission to attain an. ultimate destiflyCto . rule which implements the resi- hopes it doesn't see an increase Chancellor George recom-
s. ' Rumors persist the. duo was sto~ped in !Ueir dence hall myth that students re- in this year's roommate death mends students should spend
are now running for the border where two ceive a 4.0 grade point average toll. "We know that students are more time studying than plotting
them. for the semester due to grievances
over the loss of a roommate, if under a lot of stress, especially the accidental death of a room-
their roommate should die. directly after Spring Break and mate. ,"Besides, th~ moral impli-
"We wanted to do somethi!lg cations are detrimental," George
useful for students and make·resi- adds.
dence hall life more academic by Biology lab because, man, those
and relieving the stresses," said
SGA president, Jessica Hussin. Tunnel frogs look very appetizing after a
day-long smoke fest." .
This rule was passed unani- CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 VVhen approached about the
mously by the Faculty Senate who ors had this country music blar- tunnel, the Hall Directors of the
wanted to see an overall improve- ing. I had to get outta there." respective dorms had no indi- ·
ment on the campus-wide GPA. Other witnesses reported see- vidual comment, but did release
Other institutions, such as ing as many as thirty students this "joint" statement:
the University of Chicago, UCLA come out of the tunnel after the "We've long thought the
and the Massachusetts Institute officers found it. names of the dorms had some-
of Technology implemented this Officers are trying to help the thing to do with the smoking of
policy last year and have seen an students who were found in the various drugs, but until now, we
overall increase in residence hall tunnel adjust to life on the out- thought it was a coincidence."
GPA, despite the decline in the side world. Programs have been A press release from the uni-
number of people living on cam- set up for counseling. versity .dismissed rumors that
pus, according to the Daily "Burnouts such as these usu- Steiner Hall is to be renamed
Chronicle. ally lie around, just taking up Stoner Hall.
Brian Yerkey, a sophomore space," said Smokin' Joe Spliff, "With the sudden discovery of
astrophysics· student who trans- an expert street comer pimp. a tunnel connecting two of our
ferred from the UCLA campus, Students such as Smokey said dorms, we have reason to believe
said his roommate died last year class was not always a priority. the tunnel also connects to
and he was able to gain admit- "I sometimes would go to class, Steiner," the release said. "How-
tance to the elite UW-SP pro- but there's never food there when ever, we will rtot change the name
gram. the munchies start," Smokey of the dorm to reflect the
said. "I've been kicked out of the occurences ofpo~ smoking."
loss llelt or
·ham a11d tttrkeY
At Erbert & Gerbert's freshness cotmts, not · only when it comes to our sandwiches, but also
with the way we look at the world. Take the simple art of naming a sandwich. We prefer names
like The Halley's Comet, The Bomk, or The Girf. Not exactly normal, but then again, you
have to a.'!k yourself, who wants a normal sandwich? l\lake sure you visit Erbert & Gerbert's
and try one of our fourteen delicious sandwiches. Sandwiches a.'! uncommon a.'! their names.
- - - - - - - - - -- - - - -
Visit our location at 812 :Main Street.
the--------···. . . . :... . . ~
PAGE 6 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997---------,---- Pille' .Jfo•e
A firstimer's ttip to Point ~ars Student: parking tickets
Dear Editor: After getting used to stepping
in vomit and playing pool with a
. and the long trip out was well
worth it. The food was also ex-
well below quota
A few weeks ago, I finally rack of balls that contains two 3- cellent, buf I have admit that
earned my way into the Stevens balls, I realized Buffy's contains there was one flaw in the evening. Dear Editor:
Point bar scene-legally. I stress the most character out of any of For some reason, after drink-
legally because although I'm just the bars on "the Square" and ing a fair shar¢ I tend to want to I am a student here at Stevens Point who is very concerned with
now finally 21 years of age, there therefore worthy of a top rating. · tell my favorite joke about three the campus parking service. My concern deals with the issuing of
were a few bars that I confess to 2) Bruiser' s-It seemed any- Polish guys from Stevens Point parking tickets.
. entering when I was not supposed body with a piece of plastic who all die on the same day and I live off campus, so I drive to class every day. So far this semes-
to. walked through the door. Maybe explain their ~tory to Saint Peter. ter I have only received 14 parking tickets. I am wondering if the
The last couple of weeks have they thought it was high school Big Mistake. ' parking service "is supposed to meet some type of quota per semester.
taken a toll on me and I've had a night. I'm not sure the regular pa- It might just be me, but 14 seems a bit low.
chance to venture into quite a few I'm not much for watching idi- trons of the Backwater will wel- I have several suggestions for the parking service that might raise
of the area's watering holes. Here ots make fun of other idiots, so I come me with open arms next the number of parking tickets Once I arrive on campus I must de-
are a few experiences I've had at left the dance floor and went time. A top notch grade none-the- cide where to park. I know that there is an abundance of parking lots
some of these places. downstairs. Dowflstairs is one of less. and spaces available on campus. I mean take the lot in front of the
1) Buffy's Lampoon-Buff's the best spots in town to sit and 5) The Penalty Box-Going to University Center. There is at least one parking spot for every two
is certain to scare a first time visi- soak, unless you're drinking mix- the "P-Box" was nothing special · or three hundred students.
tor back into the street. It might ers. I've never witnessed some- when my birthday rolled around. Half the lot is filled with parking meters, and the other half is
be the only bar in Wisconsin one order a whiskey straight up The truth is, I've been going also filled with parking meters, but a permit is also required. My
where the floor is an optional lo- before and get served a whiskey there since I was a freshman ask- advice would be to cut the metered side in half. This way the lot will
cation to urinate. and water. So even though I'm a ing the bartender for a bottle of fill up quicker, and more students will be forced to park illegally.
Those who are ac<;ustomed to beer drinker, I give Bruiser's a Milwaukee's Best Light. And Another way the parking service can raise the amount of tickets
the bar scene, but not Buff's grade slightly above fair. they thought I was of age! I'd be being given out is to look at the meter situation itself. I know that
might not only find it odd to 3) Goo's-After waiting in the .willing to bet my fifteen year old when I put money in the meter, the parking people wait a good ten
know the Lampoon actually has bar by myself for 45 minutes, I brother would be considered at seconds after the time runs out until they issue a ticket. If they cut
bottles of Old Milwaukee for decided to go elsewhere. Grade the door with his high school ID the time down to around two or three seconds they may be able to
sale, but that "Old Swill" is a incomplete. in hand. Grade fair. nab a few more people.
must when purchasing a bottled 4) Rusty's Backwater-! hap- Aaron H Lewis I know that this is a massive campus, and the army of parking
beer. pen to be a big Bloody Mary fan attendants cannot check every meter in every lot, but I am just writ-
ing to possibly throw a few suggestions their way and help them till
Alright al~ight; I love those redheads · up a few more yellow envelopes.
Dear Editor: But now that I've been ac- ·Let me tell you what I love Carl Spackler
cepted to UW-SP, I go to class and about these high school girls: I
Alright, alright, alright. hit on the chicks. I go to eat and get older, they stay the same age.
have finally 'been accepted to hit on the chicks. I still go. out to My good friend Mitch Kramer
UW-Stevens Point. Let me tell the bar and hit on the chicks. says this year's crop of freshman
you, it's quite an honor. The thing I can't figur-e out is girls looks promising. Maybe
Lately I've been working for why don't the chicks dig me? All they'll dig me.
the city. Ya know, keeping some my friends back home all hang I could buy them beer, since I
I've been thinking about get-
loose with me. The chicks dig
my pink pants, but here at UW-
am 26 and I could drive them
around this great city. Heck, they
ting back in school though. Then SP, they just don't think I'm hap- could even do my homework for STAFF INFECTIONS
again, I'd just assume keep work- pening. me.
ing. I don't wanna sit by and lis- Maybe ifl get a better car, but I'd like to thank the admis- EDITOR IN CHIEF MANUR_E EDITOR
ten to a dipshit who don't know right now, mine kicks butt. My sions office for making my wish Drink Drank Drunk Slack Mother(expletive)
what he's talking about. car's got 4:11 posi-track out back, come.true.
SNOOZE EDITOR AssiSTANT TAIL CHASER
So I thought I'd try college. 350 double-pumper, Edlebrock But frankly I'd like to see
After all, that's where all the girls intakes, bored over 30, 11: 1 pop- Spang cKOne
some better concerts on campus.
are, right? up pistons, turbo jet, 390 horse Man, I saw Led Zepplin once and
Normally my day consists of power, I'm tidking some serious SPORKS EDITOR AssiSTANT SPORKS EDITOR
it rocked. John· Bonham had a
working, hanging out at the muscle. one-hour drum ·solo and they "I ain't scared" Linzerbrau
poolhall. My buds and I sit Well all this rambling brings were cooking. Ifthe concert pro-
around, play foosball, pool, and . me to my point. motions could lure Jimi Hendrix ORGASMS EDITOR ORGASMS EDITOR
drink some beer. I saw an article in your publi- or The Doors, I'd go to school Supercillious Senselessbrenner
Sometimes, if I win some cation about lowered admission here forever.
money shooting some stick, I'll standards for incoming fresh- fLAVORS EDITOR fAVORS EDITOR
· have a party at the sight-seeing man. I'm writing to tell you I'm Funky Winkerbean Sassy Cindy
tower. all -for letting high school fresh- Steve Wooderson
man come to UW-SP. man. Slacker G-FUNK EDITOR G-FUNK AssiSTANT
I .The Pointer is published 28
times during the school year
on Thursdays by the Univer-
Letters to the editor will be
CAC, UWSP, Stevens Point,
WI 54481. Internet email is
also accepted at
accepted only if they are typed, Shrangri-La
sity of Wisconsin - Stevens signed and under 250 words. firstname.lastname@example.org. Krussy
Point and the Board of Re- Names will be withheld from Subscriptions
gents of the University of publication only if an appropri- The Pointer is free to all ADVERTISING ASSISTANT
Wisconsin System. ate reason is given. The Pointer tuition-paying students. Non- ADVERTISING MANAGER Boots
The Pointer is written and reserves the right to edit, shorten, student subscription price is Long Dong Kohlman
edited by students ofUWSP. or withhold the publication of $10 per academic year. Sec- ADVERTISING VoLUNTEER
They are solely responsible letters. Deadline for letters is ond-class postage is paid at Schoemer Bitch
F ARTS & PEE-uw! EDITOR
for its editorial content and Tuesday at 5:00p.m. Stevens Point, WI. SENIOR ADVISOR
policy. Letters printed do not reflect Postmaster: send change Havana Pete
Written permission is re- the opinion of The Pointer staff. of address to: The Pointer,
quired for the reproduction of All correspondence should be 104 CAC, UWSP, Stevens
all materials presented in The addressed to: The Pointer, 104 Point, WI 54481
PAGE 7 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
heard were from a chapped lipped
senator yelling out the words
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•Groups from S- 7 pcr~ons
couldn't make it to the meeting," •[3uilt-in microwave • Sound proofed/insulated between un•L~
•in unit private utlllly room (smaller groups can check our l•st of other interested)
Stephanie Sprangers, the SGA • Ouiltto state of \Vi approved plans
·Personal references required
• Private washer/dryer -1101 eo11H'IP • Same type of unit earned NSI' [nergy Conservation
Communication Director, said. • Lease and OCflOSII required
• Large living r00111 Ccnif•cate in Menomonie
The other 22 members will • Deluxe carpel-lhem1al <.I rape> • High cff•cicncy appliances
• 3 he<lroom ;l~ low as S695/pcrson/semester
receive food scraps from the • Off street park in g. • 5 bedroom as low as S69Vpcrson/scmester
• Monthly utilities average only S20/pcrson
Wooden Spoon until the end of
don't pay extra for doubles
Get your spr ng break 5.99 ..... 5" doubles
p i c t ures developed at 3.99 ..... 3.5" doubles
the University Store! 24 exp.
visit our web sites!
• · No repair
headaches. You call ·
it's fixed! ·
• Win-Win plain talk
surprises with Rich
Everything is "up
Rich or Carolyn
4224 Janick Circle
Stevens Point. WI 54481
PAGE 8 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997' ----~------ o.,.,.,
Debot serves· up Endangered feast
by Debot's highly acclaimed to comment" showed his approval
"lunch ladies." Among the en- with two enthusiastic thumbs up.
By AldQ Leopold trees were stuffed spotted owl, Representing faculty profes- \\
ORGASMS EDITOR ,"·· .
barbecued California condor, sionals in the College of Natural ;,
',..... . . .
Australian koala-bobs, tender Resources, Dean Alan Haney of-
A nerve-racking year of dodg- chops of Schmeekle fawns, fered a mixed response.
ing determined wardens and fed- smoked bottle nose dolphin, sea "I can not say I endorse this
eral investigators paid off Easter turtle soup, and of course, meal, nor The Poaching Society
Sunday as the country's largest broasted bald eagle. in general, since I think the ille-
sFUdent chapter of The Poaching The broasted eagle, a hefty gal harvest of any species, espe-
Society presented their annual seven year-old female, seemed to cially ones of sentimental value,
Easter Extravaganza in the fa- be the hands down favorite. In is extremely unethical and so-
mous Debot Cafeteria. twenty minutes, the ravenous cially destructive," said Haney.
"Dead Eye" Dick Disher, guests scraped every .shred of "However, I have to admit, it does
head chef and reigning president dark eagle meat from its silver taste pretty damn good."
of the chapter, called the buffet platter. Many of the guests returned
his club's "most rewarding, but "She sure didn't come easy," to the tables with sheepish grins
challenging effort yet." said Chad "Rabid Weasel" Moder as they shoveled third and fourth
"Last year was especially dif- beaming with pride. helpings onto their brown plas-
ficult for our club," said Disher "Soon as she saw me shimmy tic plates.
with a tear in his eye. tlp the tree beside her, she left the Dead-eye Disher watched
"Two of our boys got busted nest, eggs and all, and came contentedly, leaning against a
trying to buy an orangutan from swooping right at me like this ..." wall behind the tables with a sat-
an undercover Fed, and three oth- (pretends his hands are talons isfied smile on his face:
ers were turned in by tourists af- and claws at the air in front of "Yep," he said, lighting a Cu-
ter clubbing a baby harp seal in my face) "she cut my cheek and ban cigar, it feels good to know
Ala~ka." knocked me off the tree, so I you made people happy. That's
However, the remaining blasted the bitch with my twelve . what we're all about. Next year Artist's conception of the majestic bald eagle before Debot held
twelve poachers succeeded in gauge." will ~e even better, I promise." its holiday feast, where broasted eagle was the featured attrac-
bringing in the club's largest har- Among the 300 distinguished tion.
vest. guests invited to attend the
The tables were lined with society's gala w~s Chancellor DoN'T SEE PAGE 18
mouthwatering dishes prepared George, who though "too stuffed
CNR addition causes financial crisis
Other horror stories have been puter labs on campus that have
By Quack Quack told to The Pointer (the names are also been forced to close. .
CoNNIVER being withheld for anonymity rea- The Pointer has learned that ·
sons.) the total cost of the new building
The new addition to the Col- We have learned that the 90 came to a whopping $325 million.
lege ofNatural Resources build- FM's famous Trivia Weekend is Don't get us wrong, the build-
ing apparently went way over being fprced to cancel. In its ing addition is very aesthetically
budget and The Pointer has dis- place, the CNR is having a radio pleasing and the serves as a great
covered it dipped into the other auction to help raise money for learning facility. The money was
colleges' budget money to do so. the new facility. ~lso not wasted in the engineer-
Because the -CNR has stole What will they sell? Well, ru- ing budget. ·
money, many other majors are on mor is they have acquired a Lami- Most of the money· went to
the brink of extinction and many nar Flow Hood and Centrifuge ma- paying the brilliant engineer who
events will need to be canceled. chine. designed the slope of the roof so
Dr. Ed Gasque, professor ofbi- Our sources, although not that the entrance way is unusable
ology at UW-Stevens Point, told very sure, have told us that they for mo~t of the year because of
his Cell Biology class last semes- are not the ones found in Dr. falling Ice/snow.
ter during the construction, "No- Gasque.' s lab (if they have these- UW-SJi' is the number one Col-
body in this department will be rial numbers and identification lege of Natural Resources in the
happier than I will be when this · plates scratched off do not be too · country for a reason.
project is completed." surprised though.) Hey, anybody who cari steal
But, I'll bet he isn't happy now They will also be auctioning from everyone and destroy the en-
that his Cell Biology Lab is being off Gateway 2,000 computers. It vironment by putting up expen-
closed so the CNR can have a is only coincidence that their is a sive concrete buildings without
place to store their exotic collec- connection between these and the punishment deserves that out-
tion of animal feces samples. computers from the bther com- standing title.
You Don't Have To End Up Behind A Desk
Or Cash Register This Summer
Live, play, and work in the great outdoors at agirls' summer resiaent camp. Put your
education to work--you can make a difference in a child's life. Girl Scout Council of
Greater Minneapolis has these postions available:
Business & Program Directors; Health Supervisors; Counselors; Lifeguards;
Art & Nature Specialists; Challenge Course Staff; Riding Staff;
Trip Director; Animal Farm Specialist.
Salary, room & board, health insurance. June IS-August 23. Write/call for application packet:
Girl Scout Council of Greater Minneapolis (6I2)535-4602 ext. 297
560 I Brooklyn Boulevard ' email@example.com
Minneapolis, MN 55429·
o,,.,., _________ ..
PAGE 9 APRIL FOOL5 1, 1997
-OUTDOOR URINAL Schmeekle deer show intelligence
I don't even like to think about it to him and he took a hit, then
By Allan Greenspan this, it gets my blood going and took offwith my favorite bowl. I'm
By John Gotti, Jr. FED RE§ERVE BoARD belly churning, but maybe those telling you man, something weird
Mos Boss treehuggin' freaks gave them to is going on out there."
Have you seen one of the deer the deer as-presents. General Rick Kickass, head of
living in Schmeekle lately? Well, People have no idea how far the student's National Rifle As-
if you haven't, you're in for a big this education stuff has gone. sociation, cautions everyone,
surprise. Many students have reported hunters especially, to be wary of
So I'm walking in Central Park one day when I see this guy. He Apparently they've been tak- overhearing some of the real a possible rebellion.
takes one look at my Armani jacket, and asks me for my wallet. ing advantage of being in college ·smart ones speaking pidgin En- "I tell you those conniving
What happened next is a story worth telling anywhere. more than most people on cam- glish. Apparently these deer have Democrats are in on this some-
"Forget about it," I said, thinking what this guy would look like pus. acquired a taste for marijuana. how!" screamed Kickass. "That
with his nose on the other side of his face. He then had the nerve to First of all, these deer have Numerous reports have filtered in dope-smokin' Bill Clinton has
put his hand in his pocket and point his finger at me through the suddenly taken to caring about of people in Schmeekle after dusk somehow managed to educate
fabric like I was gonna think that it looked like a gun. their looks. having their pot stolen. these helpless animals to the
"C'mon old man," he says, obviously thinking that I wasn't Case in point, those real nice "Last fall I was sitting on the point where we- can't just shoot
who I looked like. looking yellow collars. hill relaxing with a couple of green them like we're in a shooting gal-
"Do you really want my wallet, young man?" Speaking of collars, how the buds when I heard somebody say lery.
"Of course, you friggin' fruitcake, you think I want your hell did those varmints get a hold 'Give pipe! Give pipe!' in a crazy "This is a blatant attempt to
spaggheti recipe or somethin'?" So now he had insulted me and of real material things? high voice," said drifter Max end our God given Constitutional
my heritage. This wa~, of course, intolerable. Okay, l thought,m Either they learned how to Karcheski. · right to shoot things by educat-
lefs teach this jackass where the power is in this town. make 'em themselves, or they "At first I thought it was 'just ing wildlife to organize their-own
"Please, sir, don't shoot," I says, edging towards the car. "This went out and bought em. Ryan 'cause he talks that way revolts.
here is my car, and I got five hundred cash in here. Just don't They must have a lot more sometimes, but I turned around to "Millions of human lives will
shoot, okay~" control over those hooves than see this spike buck smiling at me be in danger if someone doesn't
"You got it, old man, just give me the money!" I could hear the we thought. and holding out his hoof. I gave put a stop to this soon," he added.
anticipation in his voice. Christ, this guy was clueless. I opened
the door and pulled out my wallet, palming a .22 automatic pistol
as I did so.
"Here you go, you fugazi." His face lit up as I handed over the
cash. "Now have this," I said, as I shot him in both kneecaps. He
They're smarter than they look -
went down like a ton of bricks, howling and holding both knee-
"You shot me!" he screamed through clenched teeth.
"That's right," I said, kneeling down beside him. "Now, I'm
going to kick your ass all over this park." I kicked him in the belly,
hard. He doubled up, alternately holding his belly and his knees. I
grabbed him by his head and tossed him into the woods. He
screamed "Help!" but the people rushing by didn't stop. I silently
congratulated them for being smarter than this guy , and then kicked
him in the head. He gave a yelp, and then was still.
- I grabbed my five beaners where he had dropped them when I
shot him, and stuffed them in his mouth. I then shot him twice in
the back of the head. He jumped the first time and then was abso-
lutely still when the second slug ripped through his u~eless brain.
For all you theives out there, don't hold me up, or I'll kill you.
Remember that this is your column, too, so that if you ever get off
of your fat, lazy ass and get outside once in a while, you can write
this column and save me some friggin time! Email your stories to
firstname.lastname@example.org or I will personally come and kick your ass. If you're walking through the woods in Schmeekle and encounter one of these deer, make sure
that you run the other way, or else they may chase you, asking "Got any smokey smokey?"
Gnature Gnus anD Gnotes WE~LL ERASE YOUR
• After state officials dumped 500 thousand pounds of snow laced
with road salt, oil, and gasoline into the Wisconsin River over the
course ofthe winter, state residents have begun reporting shark, whale
and dolphin sightings with increasing regularity. Several fisherman Ifyou're stuck with a student loan thafs not
have reported maulings and deaths that are, according to Governor in default, the Army might pay it off.
Tommy O.G. Thompson, "In no way interfere with the Fourth of July
swimming season. We have caught a shark, and there will be no If you quali·fy, we'll reduce your debt-up
problems." Richard Dreyfuss disagrees, saying "The tiger shark you to $65,000. Payment is either 1/3 of
caught has a bite radius much smaller than those of the first victim. the debt or $1 ,500 for each year of
We must cut open the shark to be positive." In response, the gover- service, which ever is greater.
nor laughed, flipped away his cigarerette, and opened the beaches.
You1l also have training in a choice
• Mass advising notice! The Department ofNatural Resources at of skills and enough self-assurance
UW- Stevens Point has declared that mass advising is "a colossal to last you the rest ofyour life.
.. waste oftime" and "should be avoided at all costs." They are insti-
tuting a policy where every CNR major will be1tdvised by Jorge Alvila, Get all the details from your
a maintenance engineer in the COPS building. In response to student Army Recruiter. -
outrage, CNR officials say "We simply don't have the space for advis-
ing. Maybe if we could build an addition to the CNR....."
• UWSP officials have contracted Schmeekle Reserve to be clearcut
after this growing season. Thomas George expressed some conster-
nation, but said that "This sale is necessary to maintain the high
level of service at Debot center. Unless you want to eat shitty food,
you better not move to block this sale." Consolidated Papers in Stevens
Point declined to comment, beating the reporter off with a stick and
yelling "Tree- Hugger" at the top of their lungs. ARMY. BE ALL YOU CAN BE!
PAGE 10 APR-IL FOOLS 1, 1997 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Fitzgerald signs on as ·QB with Packers
Fitzgerald, whose idol is former what a great coach I am," UW-SP
By Fuzzy Navell Pointer QB Kirk Baumgartner, head coach John Miech said.
INNIE OR OtrrtE? caught a flight late Wednesday "I can't wait to get in there and
night and hopes to join his team show that pill-popping hillbilly
With the recent retirements of for their first mini-camp on Friday. Favre who the new quarterback
Keith Jackson and Jim McMahon "I'm thrilled forFitz. He'sjust in town is," Fitzgerald added.
and the departure of Andre Rison, a super guy. I think this shows We're all behind you, Fitz.
the World Champion Green Bay
Packers may have dropped them-
selves down a notch.
But the Packers made a big
move on Wednesday night to bol-
ster their club by announcing the
signing of former Pointer quar-
terback Tom Fitzgerald.
The senior from Spooner was
currently playing professionally
in Sweden when he got a phone
call from Packer General Man-
ager Ron Wolf.
Green Bay used a little known
nile that allows NFL teams to
sign Division III players even
before next weekend's upcoming
"Mel Kiper Jr. was projecting
me as a third or fourth-round pick
in the draft, but I've been a
Packer fan my whole life and I
wanted to make sure I ended up
there," said Fitzgerald.
.. When asked about the sign-
ing, Green Bay coach Mike
Holmgren was elated.
"Fitz is the guy we've liked all
along. With the retirement of
McMahon we feel he can jump
right in and be (Brett) Favre's
back-up next season.
"We feel he has the potential
to one day be our starting quar-
Fitzgerald completed 129 of Former UW-SP quarterback Tom Fitzgerald was signed by the
253 passes for 1695 yards and 12 Green Bay Packers to be their backup quarterback. fitzgerald
touchdowns in his final year at
UW-Stevens Point while leading
has experience playing in <;old weather, making him a perfect
fit for the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field in January.
Pointers snag top re. ruit
them to a 6-3 record.
Waterboy among best in nation
Wrestlers to attend WWF/WCW combine By Amanda Hugenkis
When I came for my campus visit
like "Bunkhouse Bqck" or "Nature Some observers like the Point- and had a sample, I was hooked,"
By Master Bates BtoSruo Peterson said.
Boy" in the future. ers' chances. The pro scouts were
HEAD OF HousEHOLD
"My boys can do it, if it's on a very impressed with the Pointers' "After all, the waterboy is
mat, through a turnbuckle, or tenacity last weekend. The UW-Stevens Point ath- only as good as the water,"
The rumor circulating the icy smashing their· opponent's puny They tuned up for the com- letic department grabbed one of Peterson added.
tundra of UW-Stevens Point is little heads in a steel cage," yelled bine with matches against The the top recruits in the nation last Peterson said that the success
true. Coach Marty "The Mauler" Loy. Flying Carp ofUW-La c'rosse in week, Waterboy Alan Peterson. of the Pointer athletic program
The Pointer wrestling team's Others involved in the college a three-way tag-team steel cage Peterson signed a letter of in- also aided his decision to attend
seniors will get a chance to show combine know it will not be that rumble. tent to attend ..-===,.,..----. UW-SP.
their respective talents in the 1997 easy. Bret "The Hitman" Stamper UW-SP on '~After Jack Bennett's basket-
WWF/WCW wrestlers combine The wrestlers that survive the threw rival Barry "The Duke of Friday, and ball team came within seconds of
in Linsburg, Idaho this weekend. rigors of acting lessons led by Deception" Vacheski through the will be in- the Final Four in just his first sea-
Once there, the dozen or so Professors Rick Flair and The turnbuckle into the inviting metal volved in son, it really put the nail in the
UW-SP grapplers will be given Fabulous Rougeau Brothers, mesh, knocking him cold to lead many of the coffin for me. It will be an honor
physical and mental challenges to must then face a physical test in off the melee. athletic for me to carry water for his play-
see if they measure up to the elite the ring. This came before the tag-team program ' s ,____ ____;,=----~ ers," Peterson said.
' standards set before them. "Ohhh Lawdy, Lawdy deez action of Joe "The Bulldog" Rens sports. Peterson Peterson will be the waterboy
The lucky ones selected for Pointer boys goin get stacked up . and Jumping Jamie Hildebrandt "I'm just so excited to come to for most of the Pointer sports, and
the professional circuit may see like kindlin' woood," said com- such a fine institution where ath- may be asked to cover two or
•themselves fitted with a colorful bine founder "The American SEE WRESTLING ON PAGE 18 letics are important to everyone . three games a day if necessary.
·mask and or a catchy nickname Dream" Dusty Rhodes. I hope I can do my job the best "I'll do whatever I can so our
way possible," Peterson said. athletes aren't thirsty during
The Pointers were able to get competition. If I have to fill wa-
~u~ Peterson despite tough competi- ter cups and bottles all qay to keep
BIRKENSTOCK~ . ~~
tion from other schools around our athletes hydrated, I'll happily
Peterson chose UW-SP over
do it," Peterson said.
Peterson can fill those cups
The original comfort shoe."'
Happy Feet many Division I schools includ- and bottles with lightning speed,
SHOE SERVICE ing UW-Madison, Minnesota, as he demonstrated at the Na-
54 Sunset Blvd. • Stevens Point South Carolina, Notre Dame, and tional Waterboy Championships
Northwestern for just one reason: in Miami earlier this year.
(715) 345-0184 water quality.
Mon.-Thurs. 8-5; Fri . 8-7;
"Stevens Point is said to have SEE WATERBOY ON PAGE 18
the best water in Wisconsin.
PAGE 11 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997
NHL's Whalers moving to Stevens Point Bucks hope Dudley
SILENT BUT DEADLY
exercises free-agent option
The Hartford Whalers By Hugh Lowgin Chris Dudley's
stunned the National Hockey
TROUBLEMAKER career statistics
League world Tuesday morning, Year G FG% FfO/o RPG BLK PPG
The Milwaukee Bucks, in or- 87-88 Cle 55 .474 .563 2.6 19 3.1
announcing Stevens Point as the 88-89 Cle 61 .435 .364 2.6 23 3.0
franchise's new home. der to bolster their roster with an- 89-90 NJ 64 .411 .3 19 6.6 72 5.5 '
Whalers owner Peter
Karmanos held a press conference
at Goerke Field, the site where the
ICE other proven big man, have ex-
pressed great interest in Portland
Trailblazers center Chris Dudley.
90-91 NJ 61 .408 .534 8.4 !53
91-92 NJ 82 .403 .468 9.0 179
92-93 NJ 71 .353 .518 7.2 103
93-94 Por 6 .240 .500 4.0 3
94-95 Por 82 .406 .464 9.3 126
new hockey arena will be buil~ to Dudley, who is in the fifth year 95-96 Por 80 .453 .510 9.0 100 5.0
house the team. of a six year 24 million dollar deal 96-97 Por 73 .427 .443 7.1 91 3.8
with the Blazers, is expected to ex- TOTALS 635 .413 .459 7.1 869 4.7
The Whalers announced their
intent to leave Hartford last week ercise an option in his contract to
due to the lack of fan support and become a free agent at the end of "Those teams had the Jack
money for a new building. the 1996-97 season. Sikma's, Brad Lohaus', Fred Rob-
The cities originally proposed "If Chris does become a free erts', Randy Breuer's, and Paul
for the Whalers new location in- agent, he will be our top priority Mokeski's.
cluded Columbus, Ohio and Min- during this offseason," Milwau- "After almost an entire year on
neapolis, Minn. kee Bucks general manager Mike the job, I fmally realized what we
Columbus was turned down Dunleavy said. were really missing," Ford added.
because an IHL team is moving "He can fill a huge void in the One ofthe knocks on Dudley's
there next year, and Minneapolis middle for us and would be worth game is his poor free throw shoot-
The Pointer hockey team will play a minimal amount of games every penny we would pay him," ing, where he has shotjust46 per-
was granted an expansion fran- at K. B. Willett Arena with the arrival ofthe Whalers' new arena.
chise for the 1998-99 NHL season. Dunleavy added. cent during his career. Many NBA
This left Karmanos with no "With the help of 90 million decision, as they will be able to Dudley's skills will come at a observers say it's his unorthodox
place to go with his team, so he dollars from the Whalers, we'll be play most of their games in the very steep price because he could shooting style, but Ford contends
picked Stevens Point. able to build a top-notch NHL fa- new arena. be the only experienced center on that the experts are wrong.
"Since Wisconsin doesn't cility. We hope this will1Je a long However, ifthere is a conflict the market. "Hell, Sikma probably had the
have an NHL team, we thought relationship with the Whalers," in the two teams' home schedules, With the Detroit Pistons strangest shot in NBA history, but
this would be an ideal place to start Mayor Gary Wescott said. the Pointers will play at K.B. among the many other teams look- he was still an All-Star. We think
·up a fan base," Karmanos said. "Stevens Point is an ideal place Willett Arena instead. ing for a center for next season, we can get the same kind of re-
"Besides, Milwaukee has the to start over in. Hopefully fans "It'll be great to be able to play Dudley will likely command a con- sults from Chris," Ford said.
Admirals, and the location ofCen- will support us as much as they in an NHL arena for most of our tract bigger than his current one. In the event that the Bucks are
tral Wisconsin allows us to bring support the Packers," Whalers games. Plus, our team can gain Bucks coach Chris Ford also unable to lure Dudley to Milwau-
in fans from the entire state," star forward Keith Primeau said. valuable experience from the expressed his interest in Dudley's kee, Ford said the need will have
Karmanos added. "Wehopewecangatherhuge . Whalers' players," UW-SP services for a possible journey to to be met through the NBA Draft.
The Stevens Point Common fan support, because the Hartford hockey coach Joe Baldarotta said. the NBA playoffs next season. "If worse comes to worse, we
Council met Monday night, pass- Whalers are 'America's Team' in Demolition of Goerke Field "We need the type of center can still get that white goon from
ing a referendum calling for a new the NHL," Karmanos said. begins this weekend, and the new that the Bucks had when they North Carolina (Serge Zwikker) to-
12,000 seat arena to be built where The UW-Stevens Point arena will be complete by the start were in playoffs in the 1980's," fill some space in the lane," Ford
Goerke Field is now. hockey team loved the Whalers' ofthe 1997-98 season. Ford said. said.
E- . cX;ti~:.rep<>t;t;;
· To register and pay · for the
Student Activities Office located on the lowedevel of ·
At least they didn't
take my knit cap or S the Union Center. Office hours are 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Registration is accepted from April2 thru Aprill8, 1997
NOTE: ALL PAYMENTS MUST BE MADE IN CASH.
my Bruno Magli
T· • Static Line Program • lsi Jump Course • Includes training. gear and jump.
Must be at feast 18 yean ofa« and weirh under 240 /b$ .
For more information, call:
-O.J. Simpson, after ma~y\j his personal items--including
· his Heisman Trophy--were confiscated by the court to repay
his debt from his civil trial. '97 414-685=5122 .
. •.;. ~~~~~~;:_·, ...... ....~-
PAGE 12 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997 - - - - - - - - - - St••lf•
Favre's 'Super' jock
bring~ in big bucks
By Jean Kloning
Those who question the de-
gree of loyalty displayed by the
Green Bay Packer faithful will
most likely ponder the rationale
used by a Waupaca man last Sun-
day afternoon at a sports auction
in Green Bay.
Ted Klondowski, 49, shelled
Brett Favre's jock strap from
out $8300 for a jock strap worn by
Super Bowl XXXI was grabbed
Brett Favre during January's Su-
for $8300 at an auction.
per Bowl game.
Klondowski outbid actor "I think it's pretty funny my-
Charlie Sheen, known for acquir- self," said a smiling Favre. "Some
ing sports memorabilia at outra- may question why I would want
geous prices, to bring home the to sell my. jock: But if someone
bizarre item. · offered you $8300 for an athletic
When asked why Favre's un- supporter, wouldn't you part with
dergarment caught his eye enough it?"
to drop that sort of money, Favre may not have been in-
Klondowski defended the pur- terested in displaying the article,
chase. but Klondowski claims he'll have
"The five inan offensive line to rearrange the numerous bowl-
that protects Brett's throwing arm ing trophies currently occupying
is worth $5 million to the Packer his mantle to make room for his
organization," said the man who newfound prize possession.
admits to not remembering the In all, the Packers auctioned
Want More Information? second half of the championship off $16,450 worth of green and
.._, You're invited to a video presentation in the Career
Development Center Classroom April 1st from 11:30
a.m. to 12:30 p.m .. Sign up for interviews in the Student
Employment Office from 1 p.m. to 4:30p.m. April 1st
by calling 855-5234. · .
"Can you honestly look me in
the face and question the bargain
rate I paid for the security guard
that protects his second-most im-
Other items included an auto-
graph copy of Tony Mandarich's
autobiography "Satisfied with
Subtle Success," and $1 0 portions
of cement taken from the Lam beau
Fi~ld parking Jot. __ _
WEEK IN PoiNT!
AfRO POW-WOW-- $2.50 wilD; $3 wlo (Includes Meal at 5PM),
JPM -12AM (BG)
CPJ::.AJt. Sounds Presents: SWINGSET POLICE--FREE for Stu.;
$1 Non-Stu., 8-JOPM (Encore-UC)
TREMORS Dance Club--CD BLOWOUT '97, 9PM (A C)
SUNDAY, APRIL 6
FESTIVAL OF THE ARTS, JOAM-4PM (FAB)
Baseba/J, Marian Co/Jege, JPM (Fond duLac)
SB, St. Olaf, 2PM (H)
THURSDAY, APRIL 3 Planetarium Series: THE (New) MARS SHOW. 2PM (Sci. Bldg.)
Schmeeckle Reserve: The Ancient Art of Falconry, 7-8PM (Visitor MONDAY, APRIL 7
Center) Rec. Serv. HAPPY HOUR, 3-7PM--FREE Popcorn & Soda; 20%
Wom. Studies Presents: MIZ WIZARDS SCIENCE SECRETS, OFF Indoor Games (Rec. Serv.-UC)
7-8:45 PM (Sentry) Faculty Recital: DAVID HASTINGS & CHARLES ROCHESTER
CP!-Club/Variety Presents: JAMES WEDGWOOD, Ventriloquist, 8- YOUNG, Saxophone: 7:30PM (MH-FAB)
9PM wiBrian Sharon Jazz Trio Opening, 7:30PM & Closing, 9PM Planetarium Series: SKIES OF SPRING, 8PM (Sci. Bldg.)
TREMORS Dance Club--CD BLOWOUT '97, 9PM (A C) TUESDAY, APRIL 8
FRIDAY, APRIL 4 Baseba/J, Concordia Univ., 2PM (Mequon)
Men's VB, WVC Conf Tourn. (Whitewater), BAM SB, UW-Piattevi//e, 3PM (I')
SB, Bemidji State, JPM (Menomonie) CP!-Issues & Ideas Mini-Course: BALLROOM DANCING, 7-9PM
Baseba/J, Edgewood College, 2PM (Madison) (Laird Rm.-UC)
American Indian Pianist, TIM HAYES, 7:30PM (MH-FAB) Performing Arts Series: ST. PAUL CHAMBER ORCHESTRA
CP!-Special Events Presents: ATOMIC FUNK, 8PM (Encore-UC) wiBOBBY MCFERRIN, 7:30PM (Sentry)
TREMORS Dance Club--CD BLOWOUT '97-TECHNO, 9PM (A C) Planetarium Series: LASER LIGHT SHOW, 8&9:30PM (Sci. Bldg.)
SATURDAY, APRIL 5 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9
Men's VB, WVC Conf Tourn. (Whitewater)•. BAM CP!-Centers Cinema Presents: THE MEANING OF LIFE, 7PM & 12
TR, Norseman Relays, JJAM (Decorah, JA) MONKEYS, 9:30PM-$ I wilD; $2 wlo (Encore-UC)
Baseba/J, LaCrosse, JPM (I') Wisconsin Arts Quintet Concert wiGuest Artist, 7:30PM (MH-FAB)
For Further Information Please Contact the Campus Activities Office at 346-4343
ATTENTION: There is one best way.to
_ ~~POINTER 'internationalize your res~me:
is now accepting applications for all staff
positions for the 1997-98 school year.
, Photo Editor,
Copy Editors (3),
Asst. Section Editors (4),
ST. DY ABROAD
. Advertising Rep (2),
If interested, pick up applications at The Pointer office
in 104 CAC. Deadlines will be announced at a later
date. Questions: 346-2~49, ask for Mike.
Student Look To Career Look
Clear, healthy skin & a polislred image... UWSP Inte_rnational Programs
essential for anyone in the 90's
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THE WORLD'S PREMIER IMAGE COMPANY,.
PRSSA PROUDLY PRESENTS:
uW-sTEWNS POINT LARRY KO..........................
OR&AN AND TISSUE
DONATION AYl S DAY
'\#ednesday AfYY'il Q, Q:OO a.m. - 3:00 p.m.
U.C. Rm. 1'2s/12sA
B-rowse -the boo-ths fo-r info-rmation:.
A . My-ths about donation
A '\x/ha-t you· c;a n donate
A Success do-ries
A Legal issues
"Sha,.,e you-r> you-r>
This event is sponsored 64 PRSSA and The C}.gan p,ocU'I"ement Staff at U'W'-Madimn
. in mem01"4 of [),. La1"1"y Kokkele1"
PAGE 14 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997--
Centertainment's Beyond 3000 linked to peace Iovin' cult
"What makes it so appealing "I know the magic of the bongo
By Funky Winkerbean is the outlandish dress code," ex- will make everyone happy," ex-
FEATURES EDITOR claimed Rainbow Moonshine. plained Flower Bark.
Moonshine is one of the new Some of the half-witted mem-
Beware! Centertainment' s members of the cult called "Be- bers believe that everyone is in
hotline Beyond 3000 contains. yond 3000 and Lovin' It." tune with "the voice" and there-
more than calendar events for the After dialing 3000 people wiii fore wishes to partake in the cult's
unknowing caller. hear the standard list of events. .activities, namely listening to the
Kelly Kapowski, an avid caller But at the end lurks a steady, calm bongos.
of the hotline, reports hearing voice, much like that of Steven As members, people must
strange voices and sounds dur- Wright. change their names to resemble
ing the message. "The voice" asks people to nature.
_"I was, like, wow, like, I totally look inward and see their link to Names include: Crazy Hawk,
couldn't believe what I was hear- the natural world. Crazy Pony, White Lili, River
ing. Some strange dude was, like, If the person is still listening Bank, Sun Deer, and Blade '0
saying, 'Meet your true friends in after a few minutes, "the voice" Grass.
the Sundial at midnight."' instructs them to meet in the Sun- The cult can be seen in front
"Ofcourse I'm, like, way too dial on campus or at the Univer- of the University Center on balmy
busy, because I have, like, three sity Center to partake in natural, days, or in the Sundial pounding
dates and a party to go to. Other- peace Iovin' activities . on the bongos.
. wise, it sounds totally cool," ex- . "I can totally relate to 'the Members are encouraged to
plained the wise freshman. voice' man; ·,the voice' keeps me .dress differently when going to "Beyond 3000's and Lovin It" newest cult members enjoy them-
The cult's message on the going; it keeps me pounding on parties in order to draw attention selves at a party given by "the mysterious voice." (Photo sub-
hotline includes dress and hair my bongo drums for the whole to themselves and to recruit new ~~) .
codes for its members. campus to hear. members.
·While this cult seems com- plugs during the extended bongo tolerance for long periods of loud
pletely harmless and easy going, playing, since the players are noise.
the public is advised to wear ear unaware of some people's low
Chancellor Tom Mother's warning ·holds true
Students' faces paralyzed for life
What advice would you give stu<Jents who are look-
ing for a pay raise from their boss? Tina Tightwad,
From my experience, "Show me the money" wprks pretty well.
How d~ you feel when people say you can't handle
the truth about underage drinking on campus? Wally
I want answers; I want the truth.
How do you feel about students taking an average of
five years to graduate? Diana DoLittle, Senior Candy Kane and Cookie Krisp are victims of their own malice.
I feel the need, the need for speed ... ah ... that is to get the stu- paralysis after years of mocking others. · (Photo conceived)
dents out into the work force quicker.
known as the mocking snots of "She always laughed and said
What was your job experience prior to becoming chan- By Sassy Cindy East High School. 'yeah right mom."'
cellor? Wanda Wannabe, Sophomore ASSISTANT FEATURES EDITOR Classmates from grade school "Well, I guess not all moms
After a successful career in the airforce as a fighter pilot, I remember the face making ses- are as stupid as kids like to be-
bartended to make ends meet in Jamaica. I then rejoined the navy as sions Kane and Krisp conducted. lieve," she explained.
a trial lawyer and was eventually drafted in the Vietnam War. Re- Last Monday two students left "I always sucked up to them Studies about face paralysis
markably, I was able to walk again being confined to a wheelchair Health Services with daunting so that they wouldn't make fun of are currently taking place at the
and now have finally fulfilled my dream of becoming a sports agent. news. Both were diagnosed with me. Boy was I stupid," remem- University of Kansas Topeka.
facial paralysis after years of bered classmate Steve Kissass. Doctor Alan Facial wants the
mocking people_. "Even though the girls girls to be his experimental sub-
The dismayed duo placed
blame on the beer at the house
party they attended Saturday
thought they had a lot of friends,
everyone hated them."
· The girls claim that they were
not making fun of anyone, but
"They would be somewhat
compensated, and may even get
their faces back to norinal," he
UNITED .CAMPUS MINISTRY "Mu face gat all camped up. I other party goers disagree. said.
UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-STEVENS POINT swear it wa the beer. The haus wa "Candy and Cookie get their While the girls are not looking
PRESENTS preedy strange," mumbled Candy kicks making fun of other girls. forward to hanging out in flat land
Kane, UW -Stevens'Point junior, They can be such bitches, espe- Topeka, they hope to regain their
JoHANNA Bos while struggling to answer. cially when they get a couple faces and composure.
"I don't think it was the alco- bee~s in them," explained Donny "I do nah deserve mu paraly-
PROFESSOR OF OLD TESTAMENT SCRIPTURE
LOUISVILLE PRESBYTERIAN SEMINARY SUNDAY, hol," claimed Nancy Nickerbacker Wahlberg. sis. My mum wa wong. It wa da
AUTHOR OF REFORMED AND fEMINIST AND
RN., ofHealth Services. A brief interview with Mrs. beer," Krisp said with much effort.
REIMAGINING Gop APRIL. 6TH "It was high time those girls Krisp attested to Cookie's paraly- The terrible duo will not be
learned a lesson or two about sis dilemma. missed. Friends and family bid a
''THE AUTHORITY OF THE BIBLE:
"THE BIBLE AND HOMOPHOBIA"
REFORMED tl/!iD FEM/N/5/' U""tVfAtSTV Of'" WISCONSIN STEVENS POINT
making fun of others." "I've told Cookie for years that fond farewell to Krisp and Kane
FRAME MEMORIAL PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH ' Hf. lJI'<IVf: RSITV CENT£A RESERVE STREET
1 300 MAIN STREET ROOM 125 As young girls, Kane and she had to stop making faces or it late last night as they boarded the
WORSHIP 9:30AM 7 008 30PM
ADULT [OU CA TION 1 0 .45-NOON Cookie Krisp were notoriously would stay permanently. · midnight train to Topeka.-
F PAGE 15 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997
What the F*#?A! are
they doing? Chancellor caught in the act
George bares all at nightclub
ing Queen," said the inside The inside source had this to
source. say about the Chancellor's little
By Loo~e Cannon Furthermore, a bartender for scene.
DONOR the establishment reported that "I couldn't believe it...people
the Chancellor was sucking down just loved it. Everyone crowded
Mai Tai' s like they were going out around him in a circle and joined
An inside source for The of style. in."
Pointer reportedly saw Chancel-. The bartender also confirmed "I thought it was hysterical,
lor George in drag at Za's, a Green the little strip show the Chancel- but everybody thought it was ab-'"
Bay establishment, on the lor performed for the club. solutely fabulous! Hell, I had to
evening of April 1. "Yeah, he was really wasted give him credit, he (Chancellor
Chan~ellor George was wear- after his tenth Mai Tai. I knew I George) lasted through the whole ""
ing green spike heels, an orange wasn't going to serve him any- song before he passed out on the
feather boa, mini skirt, and pearl more once he started flinging his floor."
earings with a matching necklace. clothes off and mooning the pa- Chancellor George was un-
In addition, George had on a trons," said the bartender. available for comment on the inci-
platinum blonde wig to disguise After the Chancellor was dent. However, a nearby neigh-
himself from patrons who might dragged off of the bar, kicking bor of George's reported that his
have noticed him as UW-Stevens and screaming, he ran to the (George's) car was not home the
·These men are: existentialism
. Point Chancellor. dance floor where he burst out in night of the little escapad~.
"I saw him dancing on top of song. The Pointer's inside source
A. )Enjoying the C. )Talking about the bar and I almost died. I had to George was screaming out the promises to keep the university
do a double take when he started lyrics from the hit television se- posted with any additional infor-
spring weather the new crop of stripping to Abba's Song, Dane- ries The Brady_ Bunch. mation.
B.)Discussing freshman girls.
Arsonist of Old Main fire revealed
Crazed Fire Guy: I'm in the pro- head, causing you to set the build-
By Hot Buns cess of taking a basic journalism ing on fire?
REGURGITATER course and I ran out of story Lunatic on the Loose: Abso-
ideas. lutely! That Kelley can do some
I was privileged enough to H.B.: Walt, I'm confused. Ofall weird things.
have an exclusive interview with the story possibilities, how did The more he would talk about
the man responsible for r-..,--==----, you come up with the Old Main burning down, the more
turning the oldest building idea of burning Old I believed that's what he really
on campus into a heap of Main? wanted. His dreams and fantasies
carbon. Firestarter Dude: became mine.
For the first time, the Well, my professor is H.B.: So, what are your plans
notorious Old Main arson- Pete Kelley, who is a now that the oldest building on
ist speaks his mind. very good professor campus has been reduced to
In my interview, I asked by the way, always ashes?
the psycho why he did it. The pyro used the example of Nutty Arsonist: Well, I thought
H.B.: Whyexactlydidyou Old Main burning about that. I still need story ideas .
burn down the old building? down for stories. to complete my class.
He used it so much, it became I thought about blowing up
This guy is: class.
A.)ln deep C.)Pondering his
Bestest all I·could think about. I started
hearing him in my sleep, when I'd
the Science Building; it worked
great for those guys in Madison
walk the dog, even on the toilet; I in the sixties. There were a lot of
thought next bowel move- Grammar was obsessed. new articles after that building'.s
H.B.: · You mean to tell me Pete foundation shook. Though the
B~)Reading for ment By Krussy the clown
Kelley took over your mind and more I thought about it, I realized
embedded his thoughts in your I am better at starting fires.
Sins I em, da copie editer fore
da Pointer, I thot I shuld rite
'bout the importans. of usin'
good gramer in collej. Speling
mistakes dont look perfessionel,
and it just ain't. Good to use bad
grammer wen ritting papers.
Been a english major, i no
how much perfessors hage read-
ing papers that weren't edited.
"Not onlie due they check for
spellin' mistakes butt dey look
for grammer and usaj errers
two." Meny timezpaperz will
be drope(an graed iph dey ain't
If yu need summon ta look
over yur papers, Id be hapie to Hydrenaline Anorak
These guys are: their hack abilities help. Yu can find me· on For runners and mountain bikers who want breathable, light-
campuss sumwhere. Im a gud weight windwear, the Hydrenaline Anorak is an excellent
A. )Playing hack C.)Auditioning for copie editer: and iffyu hapen ta choice. An unlined garment, the Hydrenailne Anorak IS made
of our tightly woven, water-repelle~t Microfiber fabric that is
fmed anie mistakez in da Pointer,
B. )Showing off Riverdance ya no It aint me
highly breathable. i
PAGE ·16 APRIL FOOLS', 197- -Filrtt & Pee-awl
J~::!q2.3\/0J A JV\IVM1 M'I . .. JJ3q2.3VDJ
. :7J2,UNl lt\0 2.1 T?IA3H YM .Qit\IW3.51 lt\1 Zl (Jit\IM YM I
. ~3H HllW .:IMOf-\ >tJ~ .VIIAJA 8'1 =1J32.YM diAl=!
. .. . I 5H/ff0 CJAH 3H2.. TUB
DIRECTIONS: HOLD UP TO MIRROR AND ROTATE; READ FROM RIGHT TO LEFT (OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!)
Next Week: He's Got Female Problems
Ranger's film has the Power Tracing Dinosaur
First, let's summarize the
amamzing plot. Basically, the
Rangers must help Lerigot, the
From High Honors to Hookers
kindly wizard from Liaria, who (1991; lhr. 9min.) 90 FM's Pick of
holds the only golden key that can
release the god Maligore from his What "Citizen Kane". is to the Week
By Billy Stevens volcanic prison, from being cap- dramatic genre, "From High
MoviE IDIOT tured by Divatox. Whew! Just Honors to Hookers" is every bit beasts that once roamed the earth
writing that genius makes me as much to the soft p.omagraphic By Patrick McGrane millions of years ago.
scene. Music CRITIC The lead singer's name, J.
I don't know if you've seen sweat.
some of the movies that won Jason David Frank plays the It is the timefess story of two Mascis is a take off from the name
Acadamy Awards for last year, role of his life in this film. His straight 'A' high school seniors of the beheamath carnisaur:
but they pale in comparison to the character is deep, tough yet who trade in full scholarships to There is an amazing amount of Jexosaurus ·Mascissius, which
sweeping epic that is Turbo empathetic, and he delivers one Harvard for the glamorous and . dis-information being sent out roamed ancient Pangea through-
Power Rangers. line with such passion- "Turbo well-paying life of a Hollywood about the group Dinosaur Jr.-false out most of the Triassic period.
Never before have I seen such Power Rangers form call girl. truths that are accepted by the Studies of fossilized vocal
depth of character, plot, and such megazords!" I'll tell you, that Only six years old and already radio listener with little thought chords of J. Mascissius indicate
stunning special effects. The gave me the goosebumps. a classic of its kind, the film that as to their validity. I'm here to set that it produced a roar quite simi-
time that it must have taken to Filling in at supporting actor reinvented the se2( in film brought the record straight. lar in sourid. to the tube-
come up with such an original was Johnny Yong Bosch, who to life unforgettable one liners For instance many think their overdriven scream of a
story idea, find these stUnningly stuns the audience with leaps and such as "Oooooooh," and "Hit new album, "Hand it Over," is stratac~ster played at full vol-
-- talented actors and put this film
to print is mind-boggling.
I'd like to analyze for you the
one-liners that make my skin
creep with ec$tasy. Expect this
film to sweep the Oscars next
it big daddy."
Ron Jeremy protege Tank
Johnson delivers the performance
their tenth effort and prior to I 985
the band did not exist. This is un-
fortunate and has served to re-
The sonic feedback experi-
mentalism favored by the band is
dominant parts of this film, year. of his career in one of his earlier move an important element of a poor attempt at mimicking the
which include the plot, and per- off broadway roles. Eileen Entuit natural history from the impres- same powerful roar.
formances by Jason David Frank Rating (four possible): follows Johnson's lead with a sionable minds of America's So next time you hear Dino-
and Johnny Yong Bosch, playing touching premiere performance. youth. saur Jr. blasting from your speak-
the red and green Power Rang- The soundtrack is also an all- The truth of the matter lies in ers, think of Barney's big brother
ers, respectively. time favorite. their name-which implies some and imagine that sonic blast com-
-Buck Naked sort of junior to the prehistoric ing from his lungs.
p.,,, & Pee-awl- PAGE 17 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997
Tight .C-orner By Grundy and Willett
1 Concerning 2 Kind of blockade 37 Former Twins star
5 You may be stuck 3 Tore apart Oliva
with it 4 Yalie 39 Causes of defeat
9 Histories 5 Whalebone 40 Toyota model
14 Filed item 6 More chilling 42 Comic-strip toiler
15 -deucy 7 Projector part 43 The Who's "Won't
16 Horse (western) 8 Fleur-de- Get_ Again'
17 Mayhem on the tube? 9 Dorm-roo-;;; decor 45 Homeric enchantress
19 Deep-_ (abandons) 10 Beehive's locale 46 Prepared to pull a job
20 Comic Charlotte 11 Bombshell? 47 Proverb
21 Palmer's pocketful 12 Migrate 48 _ leaguer [pop-fly
22 Library area 13 Talk trash to single)
23 Golden ager 18 Weasel family member 49 Two- sloth
25 Abrasive wheel or 22 Need a bath badly 50 WoodY's kid
board 24 Repel 51 Sahara sight
26 _fruit leggs) 25 Perrier competitor 54 Acknowledge the
27 Average Joe 27 Dog- (shabby) applause
30 -thin 28 Petrol.;um giant 55 Bike-tire letters
33 Marsh birds 29 High time?
34 Pal 30 Weakling
35 In the same place, in 31 Irish Rose lover Sponsorship circa 6,000 B.C.
footnotes 32 Who's there?
36 Fable ending, often 33 Familiar dog's name
37 Mexicali munchio 36 Sticks in the mud
38 Peace, in
39 • Bachelor Mother'
40 · Wise old head
41 Acted the royal pain
43 One-third of a Beach
44 Kitchen need
49 They're sometimes
51 Christian of fashion
52 Lemon drink
53 End-of-term tests
54 Cheap dress material?
· 56 Borden bovine
57 Enough, often
58 Big name In video
59 Prescribed amounts
60 Spruce up the garden
61 March 15, e.g.
1 Within, in combinations
Enteractive, Inc. <>1996/Dist. By Creators Syndicate "I wish everyone would keep to the Captain Bligh, age 2 1/2.
FOR ANSWERS SEE CLASSIFIEDS pecking order!"
FOUR BLOC.KS LATER I
FOUND IT IN FRONT OF
A DIFFERENT HOUSE
HAVIN6 A PARTY.
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KIDS, SO YOIA'L.\.. HAVE 1'0 Turned on
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SO 'W€. CAM GET A and offered the televi~i
PE.OPI..E. IN fHE.. RE.AII..VIE..W MIRROR ARt. OUMS~R THAN IHEV A~Pf.AR.
·PAGE 18 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997
Ten more good reasons to live at the Village* Beer Waterboy
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10
(*Some of which are absolutely true)
21. All the water you can drink, conveniently located in your kitchen sink CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 His time of one minute and 57
22. Monday night macrame! seconds in the 50 Bottle Fill event
23. Living together with good friends and neighbors establishes a strong was best in the nation. Peterson
sense of community necessary for rebuilding the morals and ethics is actually "Bud Light with a shot finished third overall in the com-
of American society. of gasoline." When asked about petition, which consisted of six
24. You can relax in our indoor hot tub.
the health impact of this practice, events:
25. We have a pool.
26. We have a game room.
the board said, "If these fools ac- "It's great to have an experi-
2 7. Our apartments have over 850 square feet of space. tually drink this stuff, who's to enced and talented waterboy in
28. We have 9.5 or 12 month leases. say that the~ don't deserve to die our program. I'm sure he'll do
29. Our assistant manager once performed at Tommy Bartlett's Ski, Sky, anyway?" an excellent job getting water for
and Stage show. all my players," UW-SP head
30. Some of the other people living here .are GORGEOUS!! On a positive note, Busch ex- football coach John Miech said.
ecutives said that Busch Light
Bennett also had praise for the
VILLAGE APARTMENTS will now be $3.99 a case, and "If
it got you drunk before, then it
probably still will. However,
recruit, but wished he could have
been with the team this past sea-
It's your life. Live where you want. there is no alcohol in this prod- "Who knows, if Alan was in
uct-all reactions are patently psy- Nebraska with us, we might have
chosomatic. Thank you."
Call341-2120 for a tour. made it to the Final Four. This
young man has unlimited- skills
and we are happy to have him
here at UW-SP as our waterboy,"
E X C L l S I \' E L Y / o r F .\ C l' L T Y a n d S T .\ F F
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10
and Jumping Jamie Hildebrandt
evading foreign objects (some
The pair then double teamed
Flying Carp Hwt. Guppy "The
Fish" Gulke with a flying drop-
kick by Hildebrandt, and Rens
fmished him off with his patented
camel clutch hold for the win.
"Pointer wrestlers sneaky and
devious. They have great talent,"
said WCW scout Mr. Fuji.
The UW-SP contingent that
survives acting class will face
wrestlers such as the effeminate
. actor/actress "Goldust", Kirk
"The Klaw" Bahr, The Under-
taker, Slim Jim Bo~, "Macho
Man" Randy Savage, and the
feared Rick "Raise the Roof'
"These guys don't stand a
chance in hell. You just gotta
raise the roof on 'em," said an
arrogant and annoyed Dorgay.
If any of the Pointers make it,
a ceremony of induction to the
WWF and WCW will_ held on
D or fast relief from the nagging ache .of taxes, as retirement income, the money you don't send
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Find admission discounts & band info
- - - - - ' - - - - - - - - PAGE 19 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997
HOUSING 110 U~S'/NG HOUSING EMPLOYMENT E JWPLOYMENT
3 LEASES NEEDED STUDENT HousiNG 97-98 OFF CMWPus HousiNG HELP WANTED SuMMER CAMP Jous
For house of6. 1997-1998 I &2 bedroom apartments less 97-98 school year. Groups 4- Men I Women earn $4 80 North Star Camp for Boys,
school year. Co-ed roommates. than 2 blocks from campus lo- 6. Call Peter. weekly assembling c ircuit Hayward, Wisconsin has
Call Nikki or Jessi: 346-2908 cated 740 Vincent Ct. Call: 341-0312 or boards/electronic components openings for cabin counselors
Call: 341-7398 344-1151 at home. Experience unneces- and activity instructors in •
SUMMER HOUSING sary, will train. Immediate riflery, swimming, rock
Large single rooms, across street PERSON(S) NEEDED UNIVERSITY LAKE APARTMENTS. openings your local area. climbing, tennis, water skiing,
from campus. Reasonable rate is To occupy own room in newer 3 bedroom apartments, school sailing, archer, overnight trip
3br apartment. Close to cam- Call: 1-520-680-7891 ext. c200
for full summer and includes year leases. Ask about unique leaders, and kitchen staff. Also
utilities. Cable and phone jacks pus. Reasonable rent. A vail- payment plan. · need office manager. June It-
in all bedrooms; All houses are able now! Includes: carpet, Call: 345-2396 August 10. Good Pay. Call
Summer in Chicago. Child
nicely decorated; bedrooms and drapes, stove, fridge, micro, d/ collect to arrange on campus
SPLIT HousE FOR 97-98 care and light house keeping
kitch~ns are furnished. Parking w, private laundry and off interview. Robert Lebby: 6101
5 rooms each side. Private for suburban Chicago fami-
and laundry facilities. Betty or street parking. Parker Broth- E. Paseo Cimarron, Tucson,
room $725/semester. Single · lies; responsible, loving non-
Daryl Kurtenbach. ers Realty. AZ 85750
tenants or groups welcome. smoker. Call Northfield Nan~
Call: 341-0312 (520) 577-7925
Call: 341-2865 Call Christy at: 346-5919 nies . .
SUMMER RENTALS Call: (847) 501-5354 * $200-$500 WEEKLY*
APARTMENTS FoR RENT Quality furniture & appli- STUDENT HOUSING Mailing phone cards. No experi-
97-98 school year. Also summer ances. Privacy Locks, Cable,
Group of 4. Now renting '97- SuMMER CAMP Jous ence necessary. For more infor-
rental from I to 4 bedroom phone jacks in all bedrooms,
'98 school year. Nice place, not Wisconsin Lions Camp mation send a self-addressed
apts. Shaurette St. ceiling fans, blinds, laundry
a party house. Quiet area. needs: lifeguards, counselors, stamped envelope to: Global
Call: 715-677-3465 mat, parking, heat, electric, Communication, P.O. Box 5679,
Carolyn or Rich SQmmer. and instructors for swim-
VACANCY FoR Two water included in rent. Ac- ming, boating, tripping, ropes Hollywood, FL 33083
commodating 1-5. A nice Call: 341-3158
For fall '97. Summer open- course, and nature. Also PROGRAM INSTRUCTOR
place to live.
ings for 2 or 3. Single rooms, 97-98 SCHOOL YEAR available: kitchen and Canoe and kayak instructor
, nicely furnished. Beverly · Call Bet!Y or Henry: 344-2899 nursing positions and
5 bedroom 2 bath nicely deco- wanted for premiere wilderness
Apartments. rated home for 5. Furnished di~tician. Earn over $1700 tripping program in northern
Call: 344-2278 ONE FEMALE and an enjoyable career
including washer and dryer, Wisconsin. Teach canoeing and
Next year share a nice house plenty of free parking, nice related experience. sea kayaking skills to Manito-
SuMMER HousiNG with nice woman. Your own Wisconsin Lions Camp, 3834
3 bedroom apartments. Uni- location. Individual leases for wish staff and campers.
bedroom. 9 or 12 months. Cty Rd A, Rosholt, Wl54473
versity Lake. $450/month. Supervise assistant instructor.
Call: 341-3158 (715) 677-4761
Call: 341-2248 or 345-0153 Utilize and maintain aluminum
and wood canoes, north canoes,
ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT FALL HousiNG
. . NANNY OPPORTU
and sea kayaks. Previous
EASTPOINT Earn an excelleni.salary
June L $375 I month. Furnished Group of four. Attractively teaching experience required
while experiencing a different
including heat, water, garage, APARTMENTS furnished and decorated. Liv- and CPR, l st aid, and LGT.
part of the country as an
laundry, storage. 1233 Franklin- ing room, kitchen, laundry. Contact Camp Manito-wish,
American Nanny! $175-350 a
5 blocks from university. 341-6868 1740 Oak Street. week plus room and board.
Call Henry or Betty: Call or e-mail: (414) 523-1623
Call Rich or Carolyn Sommer: All expenses paid by the
--Large One Bedroom 341-3158 . family. Go with the best
referral service. SERVICES
STUDENT HOUSING 1997-1998
ANCHOR . --3 Blocks from Campus Call for a free brochure:
2232 Main Street (Next to 1-800-937-NANI NON-TRADITIONAL SCHOLARSHIP
APARTMENTS --Laundry, Air, New Flooring Nelson Hall). Licensed for 5,
GIRL ScouT CAMP
separate bedrooms, 2 bath, Are now available in the Non-
Hiring counselors, unit
--Many New Improvements rec room, large living room. leaders, waterfront director & Trad Student Office, Rm. 131,
Housing, Duplexes; Apart- Call: 341-1471 cooks for June 12 through UC (ext. 2045), or the Alumni
ments. Very close to campus, --Garages Available Relations Office, Rm. 20$, Old
1,2,3,4,or 5 bedrooms, profes- FouR BEDROOM HousE · August 12. 45 min. N or Eau
sionally managed, partially fur- Claire. Call "Chance," Main (ext. 3811). Deadl~ne for
~ Available for summer. $300 registration is May l , 1997
nished, parking & laundry fa- director for an application
cilities. Call now for 1997-98
$365.00 - 9 month per person fro entire summer.
$325.00 - 12 month packet and on-campus ROTARY FOUNDATION INC.
school year. I block from cam- Located on Division
pus. Please leave message. Im- $315.00- 15 month interview. Cool summer fun!
Scholarship applications are
mediate openings. Call: 842-2305 Call: (847) 741-5521
now available in the Alumni
$235.00 - Summer
Call: 341-4455 or FOR SALE WILDERNESS BACKPACK LEADERS
Relations Office, Rm 208, Old
$35.00- Garage Main (ext. 3811). Applicants
WAIT TRAINING FITNESS LETTER To lead teens on 14 day Isle (or their parents) must be
For intermediate and above Royale trips. Previous residents of Portage County.
level athletes. Comprehensive professional experience Criteria for this $1000 scholar-
required and CPR, 1st Aid,
and time-efficient. Send $17.50 ship include financial need, ,
97-98 to: Weight Training Fitness and LGT. Contact Camp
community involvement, and
Systems, PO Box 33646, La rank in class. Deadline for
HousiNG Wcmt Crosse, WI 54602-3646 Caroline Bone. registration is April 18, .1997.
Call or e-mail: (414) 523-1623
CL eill& .. TI-82 CALCULATOR
·various Sizes Good condition. $60 or best
NA I L
TV VI 0
B I L L
L I N S
PAS T s
OPE R A
S I X E S
And Locations Call: (715) 569-4090 YMCA SUMMER EMPLOYMENT
0 L OS
E E S
s T A CK S
EM E R Y
EV E R YM AN
Hiring full-time summer WA F E R RA I L S BR O
I 8 10 MO R A L T A co
Can: ~here you live 7 +$1000
school age counselors.
Application deadline 4/25/97
P E S T
E R E 0
M E R
S 0 L ON
co p yc
T A 8 L E S 0 I OR A 0 E
Stop by YMCA Child
F&F Rich or Carolyn
Credit Card fundraisers
for fraternities, sororities
& groups. Any campus
Development Office for
OR A L
E L S I
DO S E
BU R L A P S A X
ON C E
W E E 0
S E GA
10 E S
An>-wer to previous puzzle
Properties 4224 JaniCk Circle
Slevens Poml . WI 54481
orgcfnization can raise
up to $1000 by earning
a whopping $5.00/
(71 5) ) 41 -31 58 VISA application.
Call 1-800-932-0528 ext. 65.
Call: 344~5779 Qualified callers receive
Sun.-Wed. 11 :00 a.m. - 1:30 a.m.
Thurs. 11 :00 a.m. - 2:00 a.m.
Fri. &Sat. 11 :00 a.m. - 3:00 a.m.
MEDIUM PIZZA LARGE PIZZA
I I I
I 1 Topping I 1 Topping I
ss.9~ $7.99 '
I ~. ·:
Thin or Original crust only. Deep Dish extra.
• Tax not included
• Not good with any
other coupon or offer
•U.W.S.P. Campus Only
Thin or Original cru~ only. Deep Dish extra.
•Tax not included
•Not good wnh any
other coupon or offer
•U.W.S.P. Campus Only
· 2 Toppings
1 Order Bread Sticks with sauce 1 Order Bread Sticks with sauce 2 LARGE 2 Toppings
I A · Thin or Origmal c-rust only Deep Dish extra.
• Exptres 5/30197
Thin or Original crust only. Deep Dish extra.
•Not good wtth any
• Expires 5/30/97
Thin or Original crust only. Deep Dish extra.
•Not good wtth any
$12 . •
• Expires 5/30/97
•Not good with any
I '., ·
C a II 345 •0901 Call 34 0901
•U.WS.P. Campus Only
. C a II 345 •0901
•U.WS.P. Campus Only
•U.W.S.P. Campus Only