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					                            DiHHtlt                                                                                                      Cult Of,
                                                             11!1 PACIIIS                                                                PersoV\al'
                                         VOLUME 40, No. 23                                                                                         APRIL FOOLS             1
                                                                                                                                                                            ,   1997




 Doobie smokers' future in JeoPardy                                                                                             SGA meeting freezes
       BuycK One                                                                                                                  due to motions ·
    AsSISTANT TAIL CHASER
                                                                                                                                   By Old Friends                Parliamentary Proce-
    In a startling discovery,                                                                                                                                 dures allow meetings to be
                                                                                                                                     WRITTEN INDEBT
security office.rs for UW-                                                                                                                                    <;onducted in a more or-
Stevens Point stumbled                                                                                                            The duties of Student       derly and understandable
upon a secret tunnel be-                                                                                                                                      fashion, but apparently a
                                                                                                                              Government Association
tween two campus dorms,                                                                                                                                       few senators didn't under-
                                                                                                                              came to a screeching halt
Roach and Hyer.                                                                                                                                                               stand the
                                                                                                                              after a mo-
    "It appears someone                                                                                                                                                       process.
                                                                                                                              tion was
has built a tunnel connect-                                                                                                                                                   Accord-
                                                                                                                              passed dur-
ing the two halls," Johnny                                                                                                                                                    ing to a
                                                                                                                              ing their
Six-Shooter, Director of                                                                                                                                                      university
                                                                                                                              weekly
Security, confirmed. "Our
                                                                                                                              Thursday                                        contract
reports indicate that stu-                                                                                                                                                    signed by
                                                                                                                              night meet-
dents use the tunnel for                                                                                                                                                      e v e r y
                                                                                                                              ings.
smoking marijuana, of all                                                                                                                                                       S   G       A
                                                                                                                                  Accord-
things."                                                                                                                                                                       member,
                                                                                                                              ing to a
    The security officer                                                                                                                                                       "no per-
                                                                                                                              janitor at
who discovered the tunnel         A stoner struggles to find the entrance to the hidden tunnel where his friends
                                                                                                                              the Univer-                                      son can
said he was just on a regu-       continue to smoke u                 Jane
                                                                                                                              sity Center,                                     leave the
lar patrol route when he                                                                                                                                                       weekly
                                                                                                                              SGA offi-
came upon a refrt?shing                                                                                                                                                        meetings
                                 ing a bag of Cheetos.                                                                        cials voted
fragrance.                                                                                                                                                                     without
                                     "The student said his                                                                    to vote to
    "I noti·ced a funky
                                 name was Smokey. He was                                                                      not to vote,                                     voting to
smell when I was check-                                                                                                                                                        adjourn
                                 obviously high when we                                                                       therefore
ing out the dorms," said
                                 found him," said Six-                                                                        leaving the                                      for the
officer Frank Cannabis. "I                                                                                                                                                     night."
                                 Shooter. "This individual                                                                    meeting
followed the smell and I                                                                                                                                                       Due to the
                                 claimed he lived in the tun-                                                                 stuck within
came across this tunnel."                                                                                                                                     contract SGA officials will
                                 nel and would only leave it                                                                  its own parliamentary pro-
    Officers found numer-                                           Hyer Hall                           Roach Hall
                                 to fmd food, buy cigarettes,                                                                 cedure process.                 not be able to leave the
ous rooms that branch off ·
                                 and to occasionally attend        Center C-Store, man," said    visitor to the tunnel, but       "It was all weird and       meeting room until semes-
the tunnel where students                                                                        was not present when the                                     ter ends, causing the termi-
                                 class."                           Smokey. · "I've been in it;                                stuff," said the janitor, who
were relaxing to the                                                                             discovery was made.                                          nation of thtir contract.
                                     Smokey described to           where else. would I buy                                    was waxing light fixtures.
sounds of Bob Marley and                                                                             "Man, usually I'd be                                         The janitor reported
                                 security officers the exist-      overpriced cereal?"                                        "The SGA peoples just
Led Zepplin.                                                                                     in that tunnel, packin' a                                    that the last few words he
                                 ence of another tunnel un-           One witness to the dis-                                 stopped moving and they
 . Officers detained one                                                                         bowl for all my buds,"
                                 derneath the campus.              covery of the underground                                  haven't moved for almost
student when they found                                                                          Blunt said. "But Trem-                                         SEE FREEZE ON PAGE      7
                                     "I know there is a tun-       smoking lounge, Phil                                       a week."
him huddled in the comer
                                 nel that leads to the Allen       Blunt, said he's a regular     SEE TUNNEL ON PAGE 3



Beer company spews out truth
    kcin keramztak                 those fools fell for it, then   ment when they were ap-
        EviL TwiN                  that's their problem," the      proached about the suspi-
                                   board commented.                cious similarity of their
    In a surprise announce-           The announcement             product to Busch Light.
ment on Saturday, the              caused a general furor, es-     However;          Rhonda
board of directors at              pecially here at UW-SP,         Symmons, a line worker at
Anheuser-Busch confessed          ·w here the percentage of        their plant in Milwaukee,
that their beer product            beer drinkers is a bit higher   commented, "It does taste
Busch Light, a perennial           than at other institutions.     a little funny, doesn't it?
favorite at OW-Stevens                "This is my favorite         And we don't have a liquor
Point and campuses across          beer," lamented UW-SP           license,           either.
the nation, is actually            freshman Johnny Quest           Hmmmm ... "
canned water.                      when asked about the rev-           Attached to the an-
   "We want the beer            · elation. "Now I just don't       nouncement was the fact
drinking population out            know what to do. Do I still     that another product of
there to know that this was        drink it, or look for a new     Anheuser-Busch, Icehouse,
not an oversight. It was,          beer?"
in fact, a profit making              Milwaukee's Best ex-           SEE BEER ON PAGE    l8
scheme from the start. If          ecutives refused to com~                                      down Old Main. See story on Page 1"4. (Photo by John Doe)

                    Editor·s Note : !"he contents of this \\eek·s ne\\ spaper are 100% satirical\\ ith the e:\ception of our ach ertisements.
PAGE        2 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997 - - - - - - - - - - - -
                                                                                                                                                           S•••ze
                                                                                  POLL t:raphouse
                       Do you enjoy having-sex?
                                                                                                                                    ~eat
                                                                                                                            Monday, March 31
                                                                                                                                • Two individuals wearing No Fear T-shirts were escorted down
                                                                                                                            to the Camp1;1s Security Headquarters where officers took turns
                                                                                                                            beating them with baseball bats. According to an observer of the
                                                                                                                            beating; one of the boys kept yelling the words, "I ain't scared. I
                                                                                                                            ain't scared!"

                                                                                                                                • Officers reported that the OW-SP football team, while being
                                   Actress & Grabber                                                                        trained by Richard Simmons, was dressed up in zebra-striped
                                                                                                                            spandex working out to the tune of Louie, Louie.
 "Well, I don't recall at      ·~well, you know I enjoy      "Whether it was number       "I think if it ever hap-·
 this moment. Why don't        many things. One of them      one or number 16,000; I      pened to me, I'd ·really·         Sunday, March 30
 you ask Nancy; I've been      might just be sex. Like the   enjoyed every minute of      enjoy it. But until it               • Security reports indicate an O.F.O. attempted to land next to
 busy trying to remember       time I sang the National      it. Especially that one      does, I can't say for sure.       the enormous phallic symbol that supposedly heats the ·campus.
 where my jelly beans          Anthem. I really enjoyed      floozy in Detroit. Man       I do enjoy painting. I            Officers claim that aliens came to Stevens Point to find lifelong
 are. Oh, Easter Bunny!"       that! Sex can be just as      she could ... ahh, never     hope I never experience           partners. "It's interglactic mating season," said a neon sign hung
                               fun as grabbing my, well      mind."                     · sex; I warit to still be able
                               you know."                                                                                   well on the phallic symbol.
                                                                                          to paint."
                                                                                                                            Friday, March 28                                           _
                                                                                                                                • The director of Watson Hall reported the Stevens Point Fire
  Tremors Nightclub features new additions                                                                                  Department came to the dorm and pulled a fire alarm. Authorites
                                                                                                                            claim this is a new money making scheme, as the dorm is charged
                                                                                                                            $10,000. In a r~lated story, the Stevens Point Fire Department is
          Dance, Dance, and some drunken romance                                                                            buying three new fire trucks with funds they mysteriously received.
                                        into the club, along with all the      drinks like brandy on the rocks.
       By John Delissio                 drinks you can handle.                 Tremors is ready to serve the                Thursday, March 27
         COUNTRY LINE DANCER
                                            The club has enough excess         needs of every freak that attends                • Three foot long rats escaped from the slaughterhouse in the
                                        in its budget to fund the next two     the club.                                    Elizabeth F. Pffiner DeBot Center. Managers on the scene say the
      OW-Stevens Point's very own       years.                                     Apparently, the club is look-            rats were being killed while students were on spring break, so no
  underage dance club has added a           "Not only can students come        ing at another change in the near            witnesses would see what exactly is in the veggie burgers. "At
  new feature to its weekend enter-     and have a great time--dancing,        future. According to Ellis, a pro-           least they won't know what is in the pudding," mumbled one DeBot
. tainment. The club now will           they can now throw a few down          posal is in the works to add strip-          official.
  highlight an open bar on nights       for good measure," Ellis said.         per cages at various locations on
  of normal operation. Tremors stu-         OW-SP student F.R. Dent            the floor. Some details need to be           Tuesday, March 25
  dent manager Aaron Ellis said         said, "Now my girlfriend Polly         worked out, but he expects the                  • Security Officers discovered fast-maturing marijuana grow-
  the bar is a fabulous addition to     and I can experience everything        cage to open next fall.                      ing near the lake in the Schmeekle Reserve. Botanist Peter Von
  the club.                             the night life has to offer at OW-         Temors is located in the heart           Torgensen claims the rapid growth of the plants is from beaners
      "I think the bar will offer the   SP, all at one place."                 of the OW-SP campus and is                   and residue left behind from the pot-heads wandering the woods
  students of OW-SPa chance to              In the past, students dropped      open to everyone on Thursday,                every night.
  get wasted at the club at the         the hammer before coming to            Friday, and Saturday nights from
  University's expense," said Ellis.    Tremors, but now as Ellis said,        nin~ until one, with the excep-              Saturday, March 22
      Students now will pay three       "We have it all."                      tion of April when the club ex-                 • Campus security officers reported 7,000 students were miss-
  dollars instead of two at the door.      · The bar will serve an assort-     tends its hours until 2 a.m.                 ing from campus. Reports state they were abducted by aliens fol-
  The charge will cover admittance      ment of beer and old fashion                                                        lowing the Hale-Bopp Comet. ·



      Plans for a new hall discussed                                                                                                Protective Services' Tip of the Century

                                                                                                                               People in automobiles are more likely to be participants in
                                                         on a nightly basis and standards will increase yearly             accidents involving other automobiles. One-hundred percent of
                By Ben Nowhere                           to get rid of slackers in the program."                           those involved in automobile accidents were riding in the automo
                CITY TRASH COMPACTER                                                                                       bile at the time of the accident. The Automobile Association of
                                                             The center of the residence hall will harbor a huge
                                                         vat of a new Point beer, in which students can buy                America said chances of surviving such an accident are much
      With enrollment numbers expected to rise in                                                                          better for those who ride outside the car, such as on the roof,
                                                         bottles with their food or personal points. Wasser re-
 the thousands at OW-Stevens Point, administra-                                                                            hood, trunk or by hanging on to the suspension.
                                                         ported the beer would be made from I 00% pure Wis-
 tive officials have signed a contract, in collation
                                                         consin River water.
 with the Point Brewing Co., to build a new resi-                                                                          This tip is contributed by Tailgaters Anonymous, a profitable
                                                             "The new brew, leaning on the lite side, will have
 dence hall. In a closed meeting at Point Brew-                                                                            organization.
                                                         its own unique taste," Wasser said.
 ery, Chancellor Thomas George, Governor
                                                             Governor Thompson strongly ~upports the
 Tommy Thompson, and Point President Brun                                                                                                                       too early to begin criticizing par-
 Wasser discussed the final details of a 900,000
                                                         university's decision, which will eventually lead to the
                                                         abolishment of state assisted fees.                                     Pointer                        liamentary procedure.
                                                                                                                                                                   "We're confident that the sys-
 square-foot expansion onto the brewery. The hall            "OW-Stevens Point will be at the cutting edge of                 CONTINUED FROM PAGE      1
 will house 2,000 noteworthy students.                   residence hall living conditions," Thompson said.                                                      tem will eventually pan out for
                                                                                                                              "This past Monday, we spent       us the way it has been so effec-
    · "The new building will give students an op-            Thompson also noted that this story really needs
 portunity to be closer to the downtown area,"           to fill some space. Maybe you could talk about the               fifteen minutes voting whether        tive for SGA," said News Editor
 said Chancellor Thomas George.                          great successes of my career.                                    we were going to vote on voting       Kris Wagner:
      The new hall will house only undergradu-                                                                            to critique the Outdoors Section,"         The Pointer is confident that
                                                             Ok.
 ates who me~t a specific criteria.                      1. nothing                                                       said Assistant Sports Editor Ryan     they will not become temporarily
                                                                                                                          Lins. "The meeting started at 5       frozen like SGA is now.
      "Admission standards will be altered due to        2. still smells
 the new building," said Dave Eckholm Director                                                                            p.m. and we didn't even get to           "I have confidence that no one
 of Admissions and Records. "OW-SP students                                                                               the sports section until 8:30         on the staff will vote to vote to
                                                     Bye ... Bye!                                                         p.m.!"
 will have to drink at least a 12 pack minimum                                                                                                                  not to vote," said Editor-in-ChieT
                                                                                                                               Others on the staff feel it is   Mike Beacom.
                                                                                                      PAGE 3 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997



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                   HOURS                                                                                               or
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         11 a.m. - 3 a.m. EVERYDAY
(Reduced Hours During University Breaks) _
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                                     Check                                                                       Stevens Point, WI ·


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PAGE   4 APRIL FOOLS 1997               1
                                         ,                ---~------ S•••ze
                                                                       UW-SP follows elite colleges' regulations
                                                                            By Nitsud· Kcebrevo                   "I was really glad to know that    midway thr6ugh the semester. I
                                                                                   fLYCATCHER                 my grievance over the loss ofmy        want to emphasize that killing
                                                                                                              roommate was advantageous to           one's roommate does 'not denote
                                                                                  Student Government Asso-    my academic career goals," said        an automatic 4.0 [for the semes-
                                                                                                              Yerkey.                                ter]. Only accidental deaths are
                      frat boys attempted a takeover of the 'srg.~£          ciation (SGA) recently approved
                                                                                                                  Campus security is beefing up      considered," reports security of-
       l 'ht~v· t1eclarE~t1 that Pepsi is the ultimate supreme beirtg a new UW-Stevens Point campus           its emergency response team and        ficer, Vladamir Horowisz.
           ---,.-.-- .---their mission to attain an. ultimate destiflyCto . rule which implements the resi-   hopes it doesn't see an increase           Chancellor George recom-
                      s. ' Rumors persist the. duo was sto~ped in !Ueir dence hall myth that students re-     in this year's roommate death          mends students should spend
                         are now running for the border where two ceive a 4.0 grade point average             toll. "We know that students are       more time studying than plotting
                           them.                                            for the semester due to grievances
                                                                            over the loss of a roommate, if   under a lot of stress, especially      the accidental death of a room-
                                                                            their roommate should die.        directly after Spring Break and        mate. ,"Besides, th~ moral impli-
                                                                                 "We wanted to do somethi!lg                                         cations are detrimental," George
                                                                            useful for students and make·resi-                                       adds.
                                                                            dence hall life more academic by                                         Biology lab because, man, those
                                                                            and relieving the stresses," said
                                                                            SGA president, Jessica Hussin.            Tunnel                         frogs look very appetizing after a
                                                                                                                                                     day-long smoke fest." .
                                                                                 This rule was passed unani-       CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1                 VVhen approached about the
                                                                            mously by the Faculty Senate who ors had this country music blar-        tunnel, the Hall Directors of the
                                                                            wanted to see an overall improve- ing. I had to get outta there."        respective dorms had no indi- ·
                                                                            ment on the campus-wide GPA.           Other witnesses reported see-     vidual comment, but did release
                                                                                   Other institutions, such as ing as many as thirty students        this "joint" statement:
                                                                            the University of Chicago, UCLA come out of the tunnel after the             "We've long thought the
                                                                            and the Massachusetts Institute officers found it.                       names of the dorms had some-
                                                                            of Technology implemented this         Officers are trying to help the   thing to do with the smoking of
                                                                            policy last year and have seen an students who were found in the         various drugs, but until now, we
                                                                            overall increase in residence hall tunnel adjust to life on the out-     thought it was a coincidence."
                                                                            GPA, despite the decline in the side world. Programs have been               A press release from the uni-
                                                                            number of people living on cam- set up for counseling.                   versity .dismissed rumors that
                                                                            pus, according to the Daily            "Burnouts such as these usu-      Steiner Hall is to be renamed
                                                                            Chronicle.                         ally lie around, just taking up       Stoner Hall.
                                                                                Brian Yerkey, a sophomore space," said Smokin' Joe Spliff,               "With the sudden discovery of
                                                                            astrophysics· student who trans- an expert street comer pimp.            a tunnel connecting two of our
                                                                            ferred from the UCLA campus,           Students such as Smokey said      dorms, we have reason to believe
                                                                            said his roommate died last year class was not always a priority.        the tunnel also connects to
                                                                            and he was able to gain admit- "I sometimes would go to class,           Steiner," the release said. "How-
                                                                            tance to the elite UW-SP pro- but there's never food there when          ever, we will rtot change the name
                                                                            gram.                              the munchies start," Smokey           of the dorm to reflect the
                                                                                                               said. "I've been kicked out of the    occurences ofpo~ smoking."




                                                          The Girf.
                              Httl1garia11 weight
                                   loss llelt or
                                         ·ham a11d tttrkeY
                                     With })ToVOloJle.
                                                      ..
                                                  The IDVSterv
                                                             .
                                                          C011tlJllleS.
                                                                                            ~




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                              with the way we look at the world. Take the simple art of naming a sandwich. We prefer names
                              like The Halley's Comet, The Bomk, or The Girf. Not exactly normal, but then again, you
                              have to a.'!k yourself, who wants a normal sandwich? l\lake sure you visit Erbert & Gerbert's
                              and try one of our fourteen delicious sandwiches. Sandwiches a.'! uncommon a.'! their names.
                                                                             -----------------
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                                                                             - - - - - - - - - -- - - - -

                                                                   Visit our location at 812 :Main Street.
the--------···. . . . :... . . ~

jf:~?!/1
 PAGE 6 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997---------,----                                                                               Pille' .Jfo•e
 A firstimer's ttip to Point ~ars Student: parking tickets
 Dear Editor:                                   After getting used to stepping
                                            in vomit and playing pool with a
                                                                                     . and the long trip out was well
                                                                                       worth it. The food was also ex-
                                                                                                                                        well below quota
      A few weeks ago, I finally            rack of balls that contains two 3-         cellent, buf I have admit that
  earned my way into the Stevens            balls, I realized Buffy's contains         there was one flaw in the evening.    Dear Editor:
  Point bar scene-legally. I stress         the most character out of any of               For some reason, after drink-
  legally because although I'm just         the bars on "the Square" and               ing a fair shar¢ I tend to want to         I am a student here at Stevens Point who is very concerned with
  now finally 21 years of age, there        therefore worthy of a top rating. ·        tell my favorite joke about three     the campus parking service. My concern deals with the issuing of
  were a few bars that I confess to             2) Bruiser' s-It seemed any-           Polish guys from Stevens Point        parking tickets.
. entering when I was not supposed          body with a piece of plastic               who all die on the same day and            I live off campus, so I drive to class every day. So far this semes-
  to.                                       walked through the door. Maybe             explain their ~tory to Saint Peter.   ter I have only received 14 parking tickets. I am wondering if the
      The last couple of weeks have         they thought it was high school            Big Mistake.            '             parking service "is supposed to meet some type of quota per semester.
  taken a toll on me and I've had a         night.                                         I'm not sure the regular pa-      It might just be me, but 14 seems a bit low.
  chance to venture into quite a few            I'm not much for watching idi-         trons of the Backwater will wel-           I have several suggestions for the parking service that might raise
  of the area's watering holes. Here        ots make fun of other idiots, so I         come me with open arms next           the number of parking tickets Once I arrive on campus I must de-
  are a few experiences I've had at         left the dance floor and went              time. A top notch grade none-the-     cide where to park. I know that there is an abundance of parking lots
  some of these places.                     downstairs. Dowflstairs is one of          less.                                 and spaces available on campus. I mean take the lot in front of the
      1) Buffy's Lampoon-Buff's             the best spots in town to sit and              5) The Penalty Box-Going to       University Center. There is at least one parking spot for every two
  is certain to scare a first time visi-    soak, unless you're drinking mix-          the "P-Box" was nothing special ·     or three hundred students.
  tor back into the street. It might        ers. I've never witnessed some-            when my birthday rolled around.            Half the lot is filled with parking meters, and the other half is
  be the only bar in Wisconsin              one order a whiskey straight up            The truth is, I've been going         also filled with parking meters, but a permit is also required. My
  where the floor is an optional lo-        before and get served a whiskey            there since I was a freshman ask-     advice would be to cut the metered side in half. This way the lot will
  cation to urinate.                        and water. So even though I'm a            ing the bartender for a bottle of     fill up quicker, and more students will be forced to park illegally.
      Those who are ac<;ustomed to          beer drinker, I give Bruiser's a           Milwaukee's Best Light. And                Another way the parking service can raise the amount of tickets
  the bar scene, but not Buff's             grade slightly above fair.                 they thought I was of age! I'd be     being given out is to look at the meter situation itself. I know that
  might not only find it odd to                 3) Goo's-After waiting in the         .willing to bet my fifteen year old    when I put money in the meter, the parking people wait a good ten
  know the Lampoon actually has             bar by myself for 45 minutes, I            brother would be considered at        seconds after the time runs out until they issue a ticket. If they cut
  bottles of Old Milwaukee for              decided to go elsewhere. Grade             the door with his high school ID      the time down to around two or three seconds they may be able to
  sale, but that "Old Swill" is a           incomplete.                                in hand. Grade fair.                  nab a few more people.
  must when purchasing a bottled                4) Rusty's Backwater-! hap-                              Aaron H Lewis            I know that this is a massive campus, and the army of parking
 beer.                                      pen to be a big Bloody Mary fan                                                  attendants cannot check every meter in every lot, but I am just writ-
                                                                                                                             ing to possibly throw a few suggestions their way and help them till
  Alright al~ight; I love those redheads ·                                                                                   up a few more yellow envelopes.
 Dear Editor:                                     But now that I've been ac-             ·Let me tell you what I love                                                                 Carl Spackler
                                             cepted to UW-SP, I go to class and       about these high school girls: I
      Alright, alright, alright.             hit on the chicks. I go to eat and       get older, they stay the same age.
  have finally 'been accepted to             hit on the chicks. I still go. out to        My good friend Mitch Kramer
  UW-Stevens Point. Let me tell              the bar and hit on the chicks.           says this year's crop of freshman
  you, it's quite an honor.                       The thing I can't figur-e out is    girls looks promising. Maybe
      Lately I've been working for           why don't the chicks dig me? All         they'll dig me.
  the city. Ya know, keeping some            my friends back home all hang                I could buy them beer, since I
  change around.
      I've been thinking about get-
                                             loose with me. The chicks dig
                                             my pink pants, but here at UW-
                                                                                      am 26 and I could drive them
                                                                                      around this great city. Heck, they
                                                                                                                                  'JtOINTLBSS
  ting back in school though. Then           SP, they just don't think I'm hap-       could even do my homework for                                STAFF INFECTIONS
  again, I'd just assume keep work-          pening.                                  me.
  ing. I don't wanna sit by and lis-              Maybe ifl get a better car, but         I'd like to thank the admis-                EDITOR IN CHIEF                        MANUR_E EDITOR

  ten to a dipshit who don't know            right now, mine kicks butt. My           sions office for making my wish                 Drink Drank Drunk             Slack Mother(expletive)
  what he's talking about.                   car's got 4:11 posi-track out back,      come.true.
                                                                                                                                      SNOOZE EDITOR                    AssiSTANT TAIL CHASER
      So I thought I'd try college.          350 double-pumper, Edlebrock                 But frankly I'd like to see
  After all, that's where all the girls      intakes, bored over 30, 11: 1 pop-                                                       Spang                                         cKOne
                                                                                      some better concerts on campus.
  are, right?                                up pistons, turbo jet, 390 horse         Man, I saw Led Zepplin once and
      Normally my day consists of            power, I'm tidking some serious                                                          SPORKS EDITOR                  AssiSTANT SPORKS EDITOR
                                                                                      it rocked. John· Bonham had a
  working, hanging out at the                muscle.                                  one-hour drum ·solo and they                    "I ain't scared"                          Linzerbrau
  poolhall. My buds and I sit                     Well all this rambling brings       were cooking. Ifthe concert pro-
  around, play foosball, pool, and         . me to my point.                          motions could lure Jimi Hendrix                 ORGASMS EDITOR                         ORGASMS EDITOR
  drink some beer.                                I saw an article in your publi-     or The Doors, I'd go to school                  Supercillious                       Senselessbrenner
      Sometimes, if I win some               cation about lowered admission           here forever.
  money shooting some stick, I'll            standards for incoming fresh-                                                            fLAVORS EDITOR                          fAVORS EDITOR

· have a party at the sight-seeing           man. I'm writing to tell you I'm                                                         Funky Winkerbean                         Sassy Cindy
  tower.                                     all -for letting high school fresh-                      Steve Wooderson
                                             man come to UW-SP. man.                                          Slacker                 G-FUNK EDITOR                        G-FUNK AssiSTANT
                                                                                                                                      Masher                                         T-Bone




  I .The Pointer is published 28
     times during the school year
     on Thursdays by the Univer-
                                        Pointless
                                   The(USPS-098240)
                                               Correspondence
                                               Letters to the editor will be
                                                                                     CAC, UWSP, Stevens Point,
                                                                                     WI 54481. Internet email is
                                                                                     also     accepted        at
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     sity of Wisconsin - Stevens           signed and under 250 words.               mbeac796@uwsp.edu.                               Krussy
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     Point and the Board of Re-            Names will be withheld from                   Subscriptions
     gents of the University of            publication only if an appropri-              The Pointer is free to all                                                    ADVERTISING ASSISTANT
     Wisconsin System.                     ate reason is given. The Pointer          tuition-paying students. Non-                    ADVERTISING MANAGER                             Boots
         The Pointer is written and        reserves the right to edit, shorten,      student subscription price is                    Long Dong Kohlman
     edited by students ofUWSP.            or withhold the publication of            $10 per academic year. Sec-                                                      ADVERTISING VoLUNTEER
     They are solely responsible           letters. Deadline for letters is          ond-class postage is paid at                                                          Schoemer Bitch
                                                                                                                                      F ARTS   &   PEE-uw! EDITOR
     for its editorial content and         Tuesday at 5:00p.m.                       Stevens Point, WI.                                                                      SENIOR ADVISOR
                                                                                                                                      Valentine Kupcake
     policy.                                   Letters printed do not reflect            Postmaster: send change                                                              Havana Pete
         Written permission is re-         the opinion of The Pointer staff.         of address to: The Pointer,
     quired for the reproduction of            All correspondence should be          104 CAC, UWSP, Stevens
     all materials presented in The        addressed to: The Pointer, 104            Point, WI 54481
     Pointer.
                                                                                                                                    PAGE 7 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997


        Freeze
   CONTINUED FROM PAGE      1
heard were from a chapped lipped
senator yelling out the words
                                                                                  LOOK!                                                             The ULTIMATE Student Housing'
                                                                                                                                                        Available September 1997


                                                                      room Apartment Homes Close to Campus.                                     HURRY ON THIS OPPORTUNITY
"let's zero fund them, let's zero   INCLUDES:                                       • .. Energy Miler"' eonsli\Jction hig.hlighL~
                                                                                                                                                            Parker Bros. Reality
fund them!"                         • J bedrooms w/split bath & extra vanity        • 2"'x6"' walls (r-19 insulation)
   Only one SGA member es-          • S bedrooms w/full baths                       • r-44 auic insulation ( 14 inches deep)                                        341-0312
                                    • Full modem kitchen                            • Wood window systems w/storms                'Rent based on full groups/Sep to Au:;. lease wlrent collected in 9 mths
caped the wraths of the vote be-
                                    • IS cu fl . refridgerator/freezer              • I 00% eflicientwne control heat                               Other unit styles & prices available
cause she didn't show up.           • Full 30 in electric range/oven                • I 00% pcrimeter insulation
   "I had so much to do that I      • Ouilt-in dishwasher                           •insulated steel entry doors
                                                                                                                                                   RENTAL TERMS
                                                                                                                                                   •Groups from S- 7 pcr~ons
couldn't make it to the meeting,"   •[3uilt-in microwave                            • Sound proofed/insulated between un•L~
                                    •in unit private utlllly room                                                                                  (smaller groups can check our l•st of other interested)
Stephanie Sprangers, the SGA                                                        • Ouiltto state of \Vi approved plans
                                                                                                                                                   ·Personal references required
                                    • Private washer/dryer -1101 eo11H'IP           • Same type of unit earned NSI' [nergy Conservation
Communication Director, said.                                                                                                                      • Lease and OCflOSII required
                                    • Large living r00111                            Ccnif•cate in Menomonie
   The other 22 members will        • Deluxe carpel-lhem1al <.I rape>               • High cff•cicncy appliances
                                                                                                                                                   • 3 he<lroom ;l~ low as S695/pcrson/semester
receive food scraps from the        • Off street park in g.                                                                                        • 5 bedroom as low as S69Vpcrson/scmester
                                                                                    • Monthly utilities average only S20/pcrson
Wooden Spoon until the end of
spring semester.




                                            don't pay extra for                                                                       doubles
                                                                                                                                    . qonp1e2
                                                   Get your spr ng break                                                                5.99 ..... 5" doubles
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                                                                                                      www.uwsp.edu/ceoterslboolcstore
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                                                            346-3431




         Wrud
   emeea
R~pect ...
   • · No repair
       headaches. You call ·
       it's fixed! ·
   • Win-Win plain talk
       contract. No
       surprises with Rich
       and Carolyn.
       Everything is "up
       front."

           caee
    Rich or Carolyn
        Sommer
        4224 Janick Circle
     Stevens Point. WI 54481
                                                                                                                                        IREMORS
                                                                                                                                        DANCE                              CLUB
    (715)     341-~158
PAGE 8 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997' ----~------                                                                                           o.,.,.,
 Debot serves· up Endangered feast
                                        by Debot's highly acclaimed to comment" showed his approval
                                        "lunch ladies." Among the en- with two enthusiastic thumbs up.
        By AldQ Leopold                 trees were stuffed spotted owl,          Representing faculty profes-                                                         \\
            ORGASMS EDITOR                                                                                                                                             ,"·· .
                                                                                                                                                                     ../ ...
                                        barbecued California condor, sionals in the College of Natural                                                                             ;,
                                                                                                                                                                               ',..... . . .
                                                                                                                                                                                        ,~


                                        Australian koala-bobs, tender Resources, Dean Alan Haney of-
     A nerve-racking year of dodg-      chops of Schmeekle fawns, fered a mixed response.
 ing determined wardens and fed-        smoked bottle nose dolphin, sea          "I can not say I endorse this
 eral investigators paid off Easter     turtle soup, and of course, meal, nor The Poaching Society
 Sunday as the country's largest        broasted bald eagle.                 in general, since I think the ille-
 sFUdent chapter of The Poaching            The broasted eagle, a hefty gal harvest of any species, espe-
 Society presented their annual         seven year-old female, seemed to cially ones of sentimental value,
 Easter Extravaganza in the fa-         be the hands down favorite. In is extremely unethical and so-
 mous Debot Cafeteria.                  twenty minutes, the ravenous cially destructive," said Haney.
     "Dead Eye" Dick Disher,            guests scraped every .shred of "However, I have to admit, it does
 head chef and reigning president       dark eagle meat from its silver taste pretty damn good."
 of the chapter, called the buffet      platter.                                 Many of the guests returned
 his club's "most rewarding, but            "She sure didn't come easy," to the tables with sheepish grins
 challenging effort yet."               said Chad "Rabid Weasel" Moder as they shoveled third and fourth
     "Last year was especially dif-     beaming with pride.                  helpings onto their brown plas-
 ficult for our club," said Disher          "Soon as she saw me shimmy tic plates.
 with a tear in his eye.               tlp the tree beside her, she left the     Dead-eye Disher watched
     "Two of our boys got busted        nest, eggs and all, and came contentedly, leaning against a
 trying to buy an orangutan from        swooping right at me like this ..." wall behind the tables with a sat-
 an undercover Fed, and three oth-      (pretends his hands are talons isfied smile on his face:
 ers were turned in by tourists af-     and claws at the air in front of         "Yep," he said, lighting a Cu-
 ter clubbing a baby harp seal in       my face) "she cut my cheek and ban cigar, it feels good to know
 Ala~ka."                               knocked me off the tree, so I you made people happy. That's
    However, the remaining              blasted the bitch with my twelve . what we're all about. Next year         Artist's conception of the majestic bald eagle before Debot held
 twelve poachers succeeded in           gauge."                              will ~e even better, I promise."      its holiday feast, where broasted eagle was the featured attrac-
 bringing in the club's largest har-        Among the 300 distinguished                                            tion.
 vest.                                  guests invited to attend the
    The tables were lined with          society's gala w~s Chancellor               DoN'T SEE PAGE 18
 mouthwatering dishes prepared          George, who though "too stuffed


  CNR addition causes financial crisis
                                         Other horror stories have been puter labs on campus that have
        By Quack Quack               told to The Pointer (the names are also been forced to close. .
               CoNNIVER              being withheld for anonymity rea-      The Pointer has learned that ·
                                     sons.)                             the total cost of the new building
    The new addition to the Col-         We have learned that the 90 came to a whopping $325 million.
lege ofNatural Resources build- FM's famous Trivia Weekend is               Don't get us wrong, the build-
ing apparently went way over being fprced to cancel. In its ing addition is very aesthetically
budget and The Pointer has dis- place, the CNR is having a radio pleasing and the serves as a great
covered it dipped into the other auction to help raise money for learning facility. The money was
colleges' budget money to do so. the new facility.                      ~lso not wasted in the engineer-
    Because the -CNR has stole           What will they sell? Well, ru- ing budget. ·
money, many other majors are on mor is they have acquired a Lami-           Most of the money· went to
the brink of extinction and many nar Flow Hood and Centrifuge ma- paying the brilliant engineer who
events will need to be canceled.     chine.                             designed the slope of the roof so
    Dr. Ed Gasque, professor ofbi-        Our sources, although not that the entrance way is unusable
ology at UW-Stevens Point, told very sure, have told us that they for mo~t of the year because of
his Cell Biology class last semes- are not the ones found in Dr. falling Ice/snow.
ter during the construction, "No- Gasque.' s lab (if they have these-      UW-SJi' is the number one Col-
body in this department will be rial numbers and identification lege of Natural Resources in the
happier than I will be when this · plates scratched off do not be too · country for a reason.
project is completed."               surprised though.)                    Hey, anybody who cari steal
    But, I'll bet he isn't happy now    They will also be auctioning from everyone and destroy the en-
that his Cell Biology Lab is being off Gateway 2,000 computers. It vironment by putting up expen-
closed so the CNR can have a is only coincidence that their is a sive concrete buildings without
place to store their exotic collec- connection between these and the punishment deserves that out-
tion of animal feces samples.        computers from the bther com- standing title.


              You Don't Have To End Up Behind A Desk
                  Or Cash Register This Summer
 Live, play, and work in the great outdoors at agirls' summer resiaent camp. Put your
 education to work--you can make a difference in a child's life. Girl Scout Council of
 Greater Minneapolis has these postions available:
        Business & Program Directors; Health Supervisors; Counselors; Lifeguards;
               Art & Nature Specialists; Challenge Course Staff; Riding Staff;
                           Trip Director; Animal Farm Specialist.
 Salary, room & board, health insurance. June IS-August 23. Write/call for application packet:
        Human Resources
        Girl Scout Council of Greater Minneapolis        (6I2)535-4602 ext. 297
        560 I Brooklyn Boulevard         '               plindgren@girlscoutsmpls.org
        Minneapolis, MN 55429·
    o,,.,., _________                                                                      ..
                                                                                                                                PAGE 9 APRIL FOOL5 1, 1997


            -OUTDOOR URINAL                                                  Schmeekle deer show intelligence
                                                                                                                        I don't even like to think about   it to him and he took a hit, then
                                                                                By Allan Greenspan                 this, it gets my blood going and        took offwith my favorite bowl. I'm
                           By John Gotti, Jr.                                      FED RE§ERVE BoARD               belly churning, but maybe those         telling you man, something weird
                                 Mos Boss                                                                          treehuggin' freaks gave them to         is going on out there."
                                                                                Have you seen one of the deer      the deer as-presents.                       General Rick Kickass, head of
                                                                            living in Schmeekle lately? Well,           People have no idea how far        the student's National Rifle As-
                                                                            if you haven't, you're in for a big    this education stuff has gone.          sociation, cautions everyone,
                                                                            surprise.                                   Many students have reported        hunters especially, to be wary of
       So I'm walking in Central Park one day when I see this guy. He           Apparently they've been tak-       overhearing some of the real            a possible rebellion.
   takes one look at my Armani jacket, and asks me for my wallet.           ing advantage of being in college     ·smart ones speaking pidgin En-              "I tell you those conniving
   What happened next is a story worth telling anywhere.                    more than most people on cam-          glish. Apparently these deer have       Democrats are in on this some-
       "Forget about it," I said, thinking what this guy would look like    pus.                                   acquired a taste for marijuana.         how!" screamed Kickass. "That
   with his nose on the other side of his face. He then had the nerve to        First of all, these deer have      Numerous reports have filtered in       dope-smokin' Bill Clinton has
   put his hand in his pocket and point his finger at me through the        suddenly taken to caring about         of people in Schmeekle after dusk       somehow managed to educate
   fabric like I was gonna think that it looked like a gun.                 their looks.                           having their pot stolen.                these helpless animals to the
       "C'mon old man," he says, obviously thinking that I wasn't               Case in point, those real nice         "Last fall I was sitting on the     point where we- can't just shoot
   who I looked like.                                                       looking yellow collars.                hill relaxing with a couple of green    them like we're in a shooting gal-
       "Do you really want my wallet, young man?"                               Speaking of collars, how the       buds when I heard somebody say          lery.
       "Of course, you friggin' fruitcake, you think I want your            hell did those varmints get a hold     'Give pipe! Give pipe!' in a crazy         "This is a blatant attempt to
   spaggheti recipe or somethin'?" So now he had insulted me and            of real material things?               high voice," said drifter Max           end our God given Constitutional
   my heritage. This wa~, of course, intolerable. Okay, l thought,m             Either they learned how to         Karcheski.                     ·        right to shoot things by educat-
   lefs teach this jackass where the power is in this town.                 make 'em themselves, or they               "At first I thought it was 'just    ing wildlife to organize their-own
       "Please, sir, don't shoot," I says, edging towards the car. "This    went out and bought em.                Ryan 'cause he talks that way           revolts.
   here is my car, and I got five hundred cash in here. Just don't              They must have a lot more          sometimes, but I turned around to           "Millions of human lives will
   shoot, okay~"                                                            control over those hooves than         see this spike buck smiling at me       be in danger if someone doesn't
       "You got it, old man, just give me the money!" I could hear the      we thought.                            and holding out his hoof. I gave        put a stop to this soon," he added.
   anticipation in his voice. Christ, this guy was clueless. I opened
   the door and pulled out my wallet, palming a .22 automatic pistol
   as I did so.
       "Here you go, you fugazi." His face lit up as I handed over the
   cash. "Now have this," I said, as I shot him in both kneecaps. He
                                                                            They're smarter than they look -
   went down like a ton of bricks, howling and holding both knee-
   caps.
       "You shot me!" he screamed through clenched teeth.
       "That's right," I said, kneeling down beside him. "Now, I'm
   going to kick your ass all over this park." I kicked him in the belly,
   hard. He doubled up, alternately holding his belly and his knees. I
   grabbed him by his head and tossed him into the woods. He
   screamed "Help!" but the people rushing by didn't stop. I silently
   congratulated them for being smarter than this guy , and then kicked
   him in the head. He gave a yelp, and then was still.
     - I grabbed my five beaners where he had dropped them when I
   shot him, and stuffed them in his mouth. I then shot him twice in
   the back of the head. He jumped the first time and then was abso-
   lutely still when the second slug ripped through his u~eless brain.
       For all you theives out there, don't hold me up, or I'll kill you.

   Remember that this is your column, too, so that if you ever get off
   of your fat, lazy ass and get outside once in a while, you can write
   this column and save me some friggin time! Email your stories to
   nkatz350@uwsp.edu or I will personally come and kick your ass.            If you're walking through the woods in Schmeekle and encounter one of these deer, make sure
                                                                             that you run the other way, or else they may chase you, asking "Got any smokey smokey?"


  Gnature Gnus anD Gnotes                                                                        WE~LL ERASE YOUR
     • After state officials dumped 500 thousand pounds of snow laced
  with road salt, oil, and gasoline into the Wisconsin River over the
  course ofthe winter, state residents have begun reporting shark, whale
                                                                                                 COLLEGE LOAN.
  and dolphin sightings with increasing regularity. Several fisherman                            Ifyou're stuck with a student loan thafs not
  have reported maulings and deaths that are, according to Governor                              in default, the Army might pay it off.
  Tommy O.G. Thompson, "In no way interfere with the Fourth of July
  swimming season. We have caught a shark, and there will be no                                  If you quali·fy, we'll reduce your debt-up
  problems." Richard Dreyfuss disagrees, saying "The tiger shark you                             to $65,000. Payment is either 1/3 of
  caught has a bite radius much smaller than those of the first victim.                          the debt or $1 ,500 for each year of
  We must cut open the shark to be positive." In response, the gover-                            service, which ever is greater.
  nor laughed, flipped away his cigarerette, and opened the beaches.
                                                                                                You1l also have training in a choice
       • Mass advising notice! The Department ofNatural Resources at                            of skills and enough self-assurance
   UW- Stevens Point has declared that mass advising is "a colossal                             to last you the rest ofyour life.
.. waste oftime" and "should be avoided at all costs." They are insti-
   tuting a policy where every CNR major will be1tdvised by Jorge Alvila,                       Get all the details from your
   a maintenance engineer in the COPS building. In response to student                          Army Recruiter.            -
   outrage, CNR officials say "We simply don't have the space for advis-
   ing. Maybe if we could build an addition to the CNR....."

      • UWSP officials have contracted Schmeekle Reserve to be clearcut
  after this growing season. Thomas George expressed some conster-
                                                                                                   344-2356
  nation, but said that "This sale is necessary to maintain the high
  level of service at Debot center. Unless you want to eat shitty food,
  you better not move to block this sale." Consolidated Papers in Stevens
  Point declined to comment, beating the reporter off with a stick and
  yelling "Tree- Hugger" at the top of their lungs.                                                     ARMY. BE ALL YOU CAN BE!
PAGE 10 APR-IL FOOLS 1, 1997 - - - - - - - - - - - -

 Fitzgerald signs on as ·QB with Packers
                                            Fitzgerald, whose idol is former   what a great coach I am," UW-SP
         By Fuzzy Navell                Pointer QB Kirk Baumgartner,           head coach John Miech said.
           INNIE OR OtrrtE?             caught a flight late Wednesday             "I can't wait to get in there and
                                        night and hopes to join his team       show that pill-popping hillbilly
     With the recent retirements of     for their first mini-camp on Friday.   Favre who the new quarterback
 Keith Jackson and Jim McMahon              "I'm thrilled forFitz. He'sjust    in town is," Fitzgerald added.
 and the departure of Andre Rison,      a super guy. I think this shows            We're all behind you, Fitz.
 the World Champion Green Bay
 Packers may have dropped them-
 selves down a notch.
     But the Packers made a big
 move on Wednesday night to bol-
 ster their club by announcing the
 signing of former Pointer quar-
 terback Tom Fitzgerald.
     The senior from Spooner was
 currently playing professionally
 in Sweden when he got a phone
 call from Packer General Man-
 ager Ron Wolf.
     Green Bay used a little known
 nile that allows NFL teams to
 sign Division III players even
 before next weekend's upcoming
 draft.
     "Mel Kiper Jr. was projecting
 me as a third or fourth-round pick
 in the draft, but I've been a
 Packer fan my whole life and I
 wanted to make sure I ended up
 there," said Fitzgerald.
.. When asked about the sign-
 ing, Green Bay coach Mike
 Holmgren was elated.
     "Fitz is the guy we've liked all
 along. With the retirement of
 McMahon we feel he can jump
 right in and be (Brett) Favre's
 back-up next season.
    "We feel he has the potential
 to one day be our starting quar-
 terback."
     Fitzgerald completed 129 of        Former UW-SP quarterback Tom Fitzgerald was signed by the
 253 passes for 1695 yards and 12       Green Bay Packers to be their backup quarterback. fitzgerald
 touchdowns in his final year at
 UW-Stevens Point while leading
                                        has experience playing in <;old weather, making him a perfect
                                        fit for the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field in January.
                                                                                                                                           c
                                                                                                                       Pointers snag top re. ruit
 them to a 6-3 record.
                                                                                                                       Waterboy among best in nation
 Wrestlers to attend WWF/WCW combine                                                                                    By Amanda Hugenkis
                                                                                                                                                       When I came for my campus visit
                                        like "Bunkhouse Bqck" or "Nature            Some observers like the Point-                                     and had a sample, I was hooked,"
            By Master Bates                                                                                                      BtoSruo               Peterson said.
                                        Boy" in the future.                     ers' chances. The pro scouts were
            HEAD OF HousEHOLD
                                            "My boys can do it, if it's on a very impressed with the Pointers'                                             "After all, the waterboy is
                                        mat, through a turnbuckle, or tenacity last weekend.                           The UW-Stevens Point ath- only as good as the water,"
       The rumor circulating the icy smashing their· opponent's puny                They tuned up for the com- letic department grabbed one of Peterson added.
   tundra of UW-Stevens Point is little heads in a steel cage," yelled bine with matches against The the top recruits in the nation last                   Peterson said that the success
   true.                                Coach Marty "The Mauler" Loy. Flying Carp ofUW-La c'rosse in                week, Waterboy Alan Peterson.      of the Pointer athletic program
       The Pointer wrestling team's         Others involved in the college a three-way tag-team steel cage             Peterson signed a letter of in- also aided his decision to attend
   seniors will get a chance to show combine know it will not be that rumble.                                      tent to attend ..-===,.,..----. UW-SP.
   their respective talents in the 1997 easy.                                       Bret "The Hitman" Stamper       UW-SP on                               '~After Jack Bennett's basket-
   WWF/WCW wrestlers combine                The wrestlers that survive the threw rival Barry "The Duke of           Friday, and                        ball team came within seconds of
   in Linsburg, Idaho this weekend. rigors of acting lessons led by Deception" Vacheski through the will be in-                                        the Final Four in just his first sea-
       Once there, the dozen or so Professors Rick Flair and The turnbuckle into the inviting metal                volved       in                     son, it really put the nail in the
   UW-SP grapplers will be given Fabulous Rougeau Brothers, mesh, knocking him cold to lead                        many of the                         coffin for me. It will be an honor
   physical and mental challenges to must then face a physical test in off the melee.                              athletic                            for me to carry water for his play-
   see if they measure up to the elite the ring.                                    This came before the tag-team  program ' s ,____ ____;,=----~ ers," Peterson said.
' standards set before them.                "Ohhh Lawdy, Lawdy deez action of Joe "The Bulldog" Rens sports.                           Peterson            Peterson will be the waterboy
       The lucky ones selected for Pointer boys goin get stacked up . and Jumping Jamie Hildebrandt                    "I'm just so excited to come to for most of the Pointer sports, and
   the professional circuit may see like kindlin' woood," said com-                                                such a fine institution where ath- may be asked to cover two or
 •themselves fitted with a colorful bine founder "The American                   SEE WRESTLING ON PAGE 18          letics are important to everyone . three games a day if necessary.
  ·mask and or a catchy nickname Dream" Dusty Rhodes.                                                              I hope I can do my job the best         "I'll do whatever I can so our
                                                                                                                   way possible," Peterson said.       athletes aren't thirsty during
                                                                                                                       The Pointers were able to get competition. If I have to fill wa-
                                                                                   ~u~                             Peterson despite tough competi- ter cups and bottles all qay to keep

             BIRKENSTOCK~                                                  .     ~~
                                                                                                                   tion from other schools around our athletes hydrated, I'll happily
                                                                                                                   the country.
                                                                                                                       Peterson chose UW-SP over
                                                                                                                                                       do it," Peterson said.
                                                                                                                                                           Peterson can fill those cups
                  The original comfort shoe."'
                                                                        Happy Feet                                 many Division I schools includ- and bottles with lightning speed,
                                                                           SHOE SERVICE                            ing UW-Madison, Minnesota, as he demonstrated at the Na-
                                           The Arjzona
                                                                         54 Sunset Blvd. • Stevens Point           South Carolina, Notre Dame, and tional Waterboy Championships
                                                                                                                   Northwestern for just one reason: in Miami earlier this year.
                                                                             (715) 345-0184                        water quality.
                                                                           Mon.-Thurs. 8-5; Fri . 8-7;
                                                                                                                       "Stevens Point is said to have   SEE WATERBOY ON PAGE 18
                                                                                  SaL 8-Noon
                                                                                                                   the best water in Wisconsin.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                           -
                                                                                                                                     PAGE 11 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997

 NHL's Whalers moving to Stevens Point                                                                                        Bucks hope Dudley
        ByAdamBomm
         SILENT BUT DEADLY
                                                                                                                           exercises free-agent option
     The Hartford Whalers                                                                                                            By Hugh Lowgin                                    Chris Dudley's
 stunned the National Hockey
                                                                                                                                        TROUBLEMAKER                                   career statistics
 League world Tuesday morning,                                                                                                                                                    Year       G FG% FfO/o RPG BLK   PPG
                                                                                                                               The Milwaukee Bucks, in or-                        87-88 Cle 55 .474 .563 2.6 19     3.1
 announcing Stevens Point as the                                                                                                                                                  88-89 Cle 61 .435 .364 2.6 23     3.0
 franchise's new home.                                                                                                     der to bolster their roster with an-                   89-90 NJ 64 .411 .3 19 6.6 72    5.5 '

     Whalers       owner       Peter
 Karmanos held a press conference
 at Goerke Field, the site where the
                                                      ICE                                                                  other proven big man, have ex-
                                                                                                                           pressed great interest in Portland
                                                                                                                           Trailblazers center Chris Dudley.
                                                                                                                                                                                  90-91 NJ 61 .408 .534 8.4 !53
                                                                                                                                                                                  91-92 NJ 82 .403 .468 9.0 179
                                                                                                                                                                                  92-93 NJ 71 .353 .518 7.2 103
                                                                                                                                                                                  93-94 Por 6 .240 .500 4.0 3
                                                                                                                                                                                  94-95 Por 82 .406 .464 9.3 126
                                                                                                                                                                                                                   7.1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                   5.6
                                                                                                                                                                                                                   3.5
                                                                                                                                                                                                                   2.3
                                                                                                                                                                                                                   5.5
 new hockey arena will be buil~ to                                                                                             Dudley, who is in the fifth year                   95-96 Por 80 .453 .510 9.0 100   5.0
 house the team.                                                                                                           of a six year 24 million dollar deal                   96-97 Por 73 .427 .443 7.1 91    3.8



                                                                                                                                                                                                                           -
                                                                                                                           with the Blazers, is expected to ex-                   TOTALS 635 .413 .459 7.1 869     4.7
     The Whalers announced their
 intent to leave Hartford last week                                                                                        ercise an option in his contract to
 due to the lack of fan support and                                                                                        become a free agent at the end of                       "Those teams had the Jack
 money for a new building.                                                                                                 the 1996-97 season.                                Sikma's, Brad Lohaus', Fred Rob-
     The cities originally proposed                                                                                            "If Chris does become a free                   erts', Randy Breuer's, and Paul
 for the Whalers new location in-                                                                                          agent, he will be our top priority                 Mokeski's.
 cluded Columbus, Ohio and Min-                                                                                            during this offseason," Milwau-                         "After almost an entire year on
 neapolis, Minn.                                                                                                           kee Bucks general manager Mike                     the job, I fmally realized what we
     Columbus was turned down                                                                                              Dunleavy said.                                     were really missing," Ford added.
 because an IHL team is moving                                                                                                 "He can fill a huge void in the                     One ofthe knocks on Dudley's
 there next year, and Minneapolis                                                                                          middle for us and would be worth                   game is his poor free throw shoot-
                                          The Pointer hockey team will play a minimal amount of games                      every penny we would pay him,"                     ing, where he has shotjust46 per-
 was granted an expansion fran-           at K. B. Willett Arena with the arrival ofthe Whalers' new arena.
 chise for the 1998-99 NHL season.                                                                                         Dunleavy added.                                    cent during his career. Many NBA
     This left Karmanos with no              "With the help of 90 million decision, as they will be able to                    Dudley's skills will come at a                 observers say it's his unorthodox
 place to go with his team, so he        dollars from the Whalers, we'll be play most of their games in the                very steep price because he could                  shooting style, but Ford contends
 picked Stevens Point.                   able to build a top-notch NHL fa- new arena.                                      be the only experienced center on                  that the experts are wrong.
     "Since Wisconsin doesn't            cility. We hope this will1Je a long     However, ifthere is a conflict            the market.                                             "Hell, Sikma probably had the
 have an NHL team, we thought            relationship with the Whalers," in the two teams' home schedules,                     With the Detroit Pistons                       strangest shot in NBA history, but
 this would be an ideal place to start   Mayor Gary Wescott said.             the Pointers will play at K.B.               among the many other teams look-                   he was still an All-Star. We think
·up a fan base," Karmanos said.              "Stevens Point is an ideal place Willett Arena instead.                       ing for a center for next season,                  we can get the same kind of re-
     "Besides, Milwaukee has the         to start over in. Hopefully fans        "It'll be great to be able to play        Dudley will likely command a con-                  sults from Chris," Ford said.
 Admirals, and the location ofCen-       will support us as much as they in an NHL arena for most of our                   tract bigger than his current one.                      In the event that the Bucks are
 tral Wisconsin allows us to bring       support the Packers," Whalers games. Plus, our team can gain                          Bucks coach Chris Ford also                    unable to lure Dudley to Milwau-
 in fans from the entire state,"         star forward Keith Primeau said.     valuable experience from the                 expressed his interest in Dudley's                 kee, Ford said the need will have
 Karmanos added.                             "Wehopewecangatherhuge . Whalers' players," UW-SP                             services for a possible journey to                 to be met through the NBA Draft.
     The Stevens Point Common            fan support, because the Hartford hockey coach Joe Baldarotta said.               the NBA playoffs next season.                           "If worse comes to worse, we
 Council met Monday night, pass-         Whalers are 'America's Team' in         Demolition of Goerke Field                    "We need the type of center                    can still get that white goon from
 ing a referendum calling for a new      the NHL," Karmanos said.             begins this weekend, and the new             that the Bucks had when they                       North Carolina (Serge Zwikker) to-
 12,000 seat arena to be built where         The UW-Stevens Point arena will be complete by the start                      were in playoffs in the 1980's,"                   fill some space in the lane," Ford
 Goerke Field is now.                    hockey team loved the Whalers' ofthe 1997-98 season.                              Ford said.                                         said.




                                                                                   ·.L
                                                                                   .,      <




                                                                                     E
                                                                                   A
                                                                                     p
                                                                                        F
                                                                                        E-                                                       . cX;ti~:.rep<>t;t;;

 ''
                                                                                                    · To register and pay · for the
                                                                                                      Student Activities Office located on the lowedevel of ·
             At least they didn't
             take my knit cap or                                                        S             the Union Center. Office hours are 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
                                                                                                      Registration is accepted from April2 thru Aprill8, 1997
                                                                                                      NOTE: ALL PAYMENTS MUST BE MADE IN CASH.
                                                                                                                                                •'




             my Bruno Magli
                                                                                    T·                • Static Line Program • lsi Jump Course • Includes training. gear and jump.




                                                                  ''
                                                                                                             Must be at feast 18 yean ofa« and weirh under 240 /b$ .
             shoes.
                                                                                                                                         •
                                                                                                                       For more information, call:
  -O.J. Simpson, after ma~y\j his personal items--including
· his Heisman Trophy--were confiscated by the court to repay
  his debt from his civil trial.                                                 '97                                414-685=5122 .
                                                                                                                       .     •.;.   ~~~~~~;:_·,                   ...... ....~-
       PAGE 12 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997 - - - - - - - - - -                                                                      St••lf•
                                                                                                    Favre's 'Super' jock
                                                                                                     bring~ in big bucks
                                                                                                   By Jean Kloning
                                                                                                       SHEEP HERDER


                                                                                                 Those who question the de-
                                                                                            gree of loyalty displayed by the
                                                                                            Green Bay Packer faithful will
                                                                                            most likely ponder the rationale
                                                                                            used by a Waupaca man last Sun-
                                                                                            day afternoon at a sports auction
                                                                                            in Green Bay.
                                                                                                 Ted Klondowski, 49, shelled
                                                                                                                                   Brett Favre's jock strap from
                                                                                            out $8300 for a jock strap worn by
                                                                                                                                   Super Bowl XXXI was grabbed
                                                                                            Brett Favre during January's Su-
                                                                                                                                   for $8300 at an auction.
                                                                                            per Bowl game.
                                                                                                 Klondowski outbid actor              "I think it's pretty funny my-
                                                                                            Charlie Sheen, known for acquir-      self," said a smiling Favre. "Some
                                                                                             ing sports memorabilia at outra-     may question why I would want
                                                                                            geous prices, to bring home the       to sell my. jock: But if someone
                                                                                            bizarre item.           ·             offered you $8300 for an athletic
                                                                                                 When asked why Favre's un-       supporter, wouldn't you part with
                                                                                            dergarment caught his eye enough      it?"
                                                                                            to drop that sort of money,               Favre may not have been in-
                                                                                             Klondowski defended the pur-         terested in displaying the article,
                                                                                            chase.                                but Klondowski claims he'll have
                                                                                                 "The five inan offensive line    to rearrange the numerous bowl-
                                                                                            that protects Brett's throwing arm    ing trophies currently occupying
                                                                                             is worth $5 million to the Packer    his mantle to make room for his
                                                                                            organization," said the man who       newfound prize possession.
                                                                                            admits to not remembering the             In all, the Packers auctioned
         Want More Information?                                                             second half of the championship       off $16,450 worth of green and
.._,     You're invited to a video presentation in the Career
         Development Center Classroom April 1st from 11:30
         a.m. to 12:30 p.m .. Sign up for interviews in the Student
         Employment Office from 1 p.m. to 4:30p.m. April 1st
         by calling 855-5234.         ·      .
                                                                        •
                                                                       CRfmoBum
                                                                                            game.
                                                                                                 "Can you honestly look me in
                                                                                            the face and question the bargain
                                                                                             rate I paid for the security guard
                                                                                            that protects his second-most im-
                                                                                             portant feature?"
                                                                                                                                  gold memorabilia.
                                                                                                                                       Other items included an auto-
                                                                                                                                  graph copy of Tony Mandarich's
                                                                                                                                  autobiography "Satisfied with
                                                                                                                                  Subtle Success," and $1 0 portions
                                                                                                                                  of cement taken from the Lam beau
                                                                                                                                  Fi~ld parking Jot. __ _




                                                    WEEK                       IN PoiNT!
                                                                             AfRO POW-WOW-- $2.50 wilD; $3 wlo (Includes Meal at 5PM),
                                                                               JPM -12AM (BG)
                                                                             CPJ::.AJt. Sounds Presents: SWINGSET POLICE--FREE for Stu.;
                                                                              $1 Non-Stu., 8-JOPM (Encore-UC)
                                                                             TREMORS Dance Club--CD BLOWOUT '97, 9PM (A C)
                                                                             SUNDAY, APRIL 6
                                                                             FESTIVAL OF THE ARTS, JOAM-4PM (FAB)
                                                                             Baseba/J, Marian Co/Jege, JPM (Fond duLac)
                                                                             SB, St. Olaf, 2PM (H)
           THURSDAY, APRIL 3                                                 Planetarium Series: THE (New) MARS SHOW. 2PM (Sci. Bldg.)
           Schmeeckle Reserve: The Ancient Art of Falconry, 7-8PM (Visitor   MONDAY, APRIL 7
             Center)                                                         Rec. Serv. HAPPY HOUR, 3-7PM--FREE Popcorn & Soda; 20%
           Wom. Studies Presents: MIZ WIZARDS SCIENCE SECRETS,                 OFF Indoor Games (Rec. Serv.-UC)
             7-8:45 PM (Sentry)                                              Faculty Recital: DAVID HASTINGS & CHARLES ROCHESTER
           CP!-Club/Variety Presents: JAMES WEDGWOOD, Ventriloquist, 8-        YOUNG, Saxophone: 7:30PM (MH-FAB)
             9PM wiBrian Sharon Jazz Trio Opening, 7:30PM & Closing, 9PM     Planetarium Series: SKIES OF SPRING, 8PM (Sci. Bldg.)
           TREMORS Dance Club--CD BLOWOUT '97, 9PM (A C)                     TUESDAY, APRIL 8
           FRIDAY, APRIL 4                                                   Baseba/J, Concordia Univ., 2PM (Mequon)
           Men's VB, WVC Conf Tourn. (Whitewater), BAM                       SB, UW-Piattevi//e, 3PM (I')
           SB, Bemidji State, JPM (Menomonie)                                CP!-Issues & Ideas Mini-Course: BALLROOM DANCING, 7-9PM
           Baseba/J, Edgewood College, 2PM (Madison)                           (Laird Rm.-UC)
           American Indian Pianist, TIM HAYES, 7:30PM (MH-FAB)               Performing Arts Series: ST. PAUL CHAMBER ORCHESTRA
           CP!-Special Events Presents: ATOMIC FUNK, 8PM (Encore-UC)           wiBOBBY MCFERRIN, 7:30PM (Sentry)
           TREMORS Dance Club--CD BLOWOUT '97-TECHNO, 9PM (A C)              Planetarium Series: LASER LIGHT SHOW, 8&9:30PM (Sci. Bldg.)
           SATURDAY, APRIL 5                                                 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9
           Men's VB, WVC Conf Tourn. (Whitewater)•. BAM                      CP!-Centers Cinema Presents: THE MEANING OF LIFE, 7PM & 12
           TR, Norseman Relays, JJAM (Decorah, JA)                            MONKEYS, 9:30PM-$ I wilD; $2 wlo (Encore-UC)
           Baseba/J, LaCrosse, JPM (I')                                      Wisconsin Arts Quintet Concert wiGuest Artist, 7:30PM (MH-FAB)


                            For Further Information Please Contact the Campus Activities Office at 346-4343
                                                                                     /




            ATTENTION:                                                 There is one best way.to
             ~


          _ ~~POINTER                                              'internationalize your res~me:
  is now accepting applications for all staff
    positions for the 1997-98 school year.
    Graphics Editor,
    , Photo Editor,
    Photo Assistant,
                               Outdoors Editor,
                               Copy Editors (3),
                           Asst. Section Editors (4),
                                                                        U
                                                                      ST. DY ABROAD
      News Editor,
     Features Editor,
      Sports Editor,
                             Business Manager,
                           . Advertising Rep (2),
                             Graphics Assistant
                                                                           NOW!
If interested, pick up applications at The Pointer office
  in 104 CAC. Deadlines will be announced at a later
       date. Questions: 346-2~49, ask for Mike.

                                                                                         sm 1969
                                                                  Contact:
Student Look To Career Look
     Clear, healthy skin & a polislred image...                   UWSP Inte_rnational Programs
          essential for anyone in the 90's
              competitive job market.                                           2100 Main Street
             - FREE FREE FREE:                                                  Room 108, Collins Classroom Center
   -Color Analysis-Skincare Clinic-Cosmetic Tips                                UW-St~vens Point, Wisconsin
        Interview/Career Image Consulting                                       54481 USA
    PLUS: Get 3 Frineds Together and Receive                                    Telephop.e: (715). 346-2717
          $100 worth of products for $35!
                                                                                Facsimile: (715) 346-3591            :->-
       Call Chris Charewicz, Certified Consultant
                 341-7227 or 341-6074
                                                                                E-Mail: intlprog@uwsp.edu
                                                                                http://www.uwsp.edu/acad/internat
         BeautiConiroLCosme&s
         THE WORLD'S PREMIER IMAGE COMPANY,.




                                            PRSSA PROUDLY PRESENTS:

    uW-sTEWNS POINT LARRY KO..........................
                                       OR&AN AND TISSUE
                       DONATION AYl                                                        S DAY
             '\#ednesday AfYY'il Q, Q:OO a.m.                                               - 3:00 p.m.
                                             U.C. Rm.                        1'2s/12sA
                                             B-rowse -the boo-ths fo-r info-rmation:.
                                                    A   .   My-ths about donation
                                                    A       '\x/ha-t you· c;a n donate
                                                    A       Success do-ries
                                                    A       Legal issues


    "Sha,.,e                         you-r>                                         you-r>
                        This event is sponsored 64 PRSSA and The C}.gan p,ocU'I"ement Staff at U'W'-Madimn
                         .                           in mem01"4 of [),. La1"1"y Kokkele1"
PAGE 14 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997--

     Centertainment's Beyond 3000 linked to peace Iovin' cult
                                                 "What makes it so appealing                  "I know the magic of the bongo
     By Funky Winkerbean                    is the outlandish dress code," ex-            will make everyone happy," ex-
            FEATURES EDITOR                 claimed Rainbow Moonshine.                    plained Flower Bark.
                                                 Moonshine is one of the new                  Some of the half-witted mem-
      Beware! Centertainment' s             members of the cult called "Be-               bers believe that everyone is in
  hotline Beyond 3000 contains.             yond 3000 and Lovin' It."                     tune with "the voice" and there-
  more than calendar events for the              After dialing 3000 people wiii           fore wishes to partake in the cult's
  unknowing caller.                         hear the standard list of events.            .activities, namely listening to the
      Kelly Kapowski, an avid caller        But at the end lurks a steady, calm           bongos.
  of the hotline, reports hearing           voice, much like that of Steven                    As members, people must
  strange voices and sounds dur-            Wright.                                       change their names to resemble
  ing the message.                               "The voice" asks people to               nature.
     _"I was, like, wow, like, I totally    look inward and see their link to                  Names include: Crazy Hawk,
  couldn't believe what I was hear-         the natural world.                            Crazy Pony, White Lili, River
  ing. Some strange dude was, like,              If the person is still listening         Bank, Sun Deer, and Blade '0
  saying, 'Meet your true friends in        after a few minutes, "the voice"              Grass.
  the Sundial at midnight."'                instructs them to meet in the Sun-                The cult can be seen in front
      "Ofcourse I'm, like, way too          dial on campus or at the Univer-              of the University Center on balmy
  busy, because I have, like, three         sity Center to partake in natural,            days, or in the Sundial pounding
  dates and a party to go to. Other-        peace Iovin' activities .                     on the bongos.
. wise, it sounds totally cool," ex-           . "I can totally relate to 'the                Members are encouraged to
  plained the wise freshman.                voice' man; ·,the voice' keeps me            .dress differently when going to         "Beyond 3000's and Lovin It" newest cult members enjoy them-
       The cult's message on the            going; it keeps me pounding on                parties in order to draw attention      selves at a party given by "the mysterious voice." (Photo sub-
  hotline includes dress and hair           my bongo drums for the whole                  to themselves and to recruit new        ~~)                                                              .
  codes for its members.                    campus to hear.                               members.
                                                                                             ·While this cult seems com-         plugs during the extended bongo        tolerance for long periods of loud
                                                                                          pletely harmless and easy going,       playing, since the players are         noise.
                                                                                          the public is advised to wear ear      unaware of some people's low
                                    Q&A With
                                  Chancellor Tom                                                Mother's warning ·holds true
                                                                                                          Students' faces paralyzed for life

  What advice would you give stu<Jents who are look-
  ing for a pay raise from their boss? Tina Tightwad,
  Junior
      From my experience, "Show me the money" wprks pretty well.

  How d~ you feel when people say you can't handle
  the truth about underage drinking on campus? Wally
  Wasted, Junior
      I want answers; I want the truth.


  How do you feel about students taking an average of
  five years to graduate? Diana DoLittle, Senior                                          Candy Kane and Cookie Krisp are victims of their own malice.
     I feel the need, the need for speed ... ah ... that is to get the stu-               paralysis after years of mocking others. · (Photo conceived)
  dents out into the work force quicker.
                                                                                                                                 known as the mocking snots of              "She always laughed and said
  What was your job experience prior to becoming chan-                                           By Sassy Cindy                  East High School.                       'yeah right mom."'
  cellor? Wanda Wannabe, Sophomore                                                            ASSISTANT FEATURES EDITOR               Classmates from grade school           "Well, I guess not all moms
      After a successful career in the airforce as a fighter pilot, I                                                            remember the face making ses-          are as stupid as kids like to be-
  bartended to make ends meet in Jamaica. I then rejoined the navy as                                                            sions Kane and Krisp conducted.        lieve," she explained.
  a trial lawyer and was eventually drafted in the Vietnam War. Re-                          Last Monday two students left           "I always sucked up to them            Studies about face paralysis
  markably, I was able to walk again being confined to a wheelchair                      Health Services with daunting           so that they wouldn't make fun of      are currently taking place at the
  and now have finally fulfilled my dream of becoming a sports agent.                    news. Both were diagnosed with          me. Boy was I stupid," remem-          University of Kansas Topeka.
                                                                                         facial paralysis after years of         bered classmate Steve Kissass.             Doctor Alan Facial wants the
                                                                                         mocking people_.                            "Even though the girls             girls to be his experimental sub-

r-------------------•
          ~
                                                                                             The dismayed duo placed
                                                                                         blame on the beer at the house
                                                                                         party they attended Saturday
                                                                                         night.
                                                                                                                                 thought they had a lot of friends,
                                                                                                                                 everyone hated them."
                                                                                                                                  · The girls claim that they were
                                                                                                                                 not making fun of anyone, but
                                                                                                                                                                        jects.
                                                                                                                                                                            "They would be somewhat
                                                                                                                                                                        compensated, and may even get
                                                                                                                                                                        their faces back to norinal," he
       UNITED .CAMPUS MINISTRY                                                               "Mu face gat all camped up. I       other party goers disagree.            said.
 UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-STEVENS POINT                                                   swear it wa the beer. The haus wa           "Candy and Cookie get their            While the girls are not looking
                                     PRESENTS                                            preedy strange," mumbled Candy          kicks making fun of other girls.       forward to hanging out in flat land
                                                                                         Kane, UW -Stevens'Point junior,         They can be such bitches, espe-        Topeka, they hope to regain their
                         JoHANNA Bos                                                     while struggling to answer.             cially when they get a couple          faces and composure.
                                                                                             "I don't think it was the alco-     bee~s in them," explained Donny            "I do nah deserve mu paraly-
 PROFESSOR OF OLD TESTAMENT SCRIPTURE
    LOUISVILLE PRESBYTERIAN SEMINARY                       SUNDAY,                       hol," claimed Nancy Nickerbacker        Wahlberg.                              sis. My mum wa wong. It wa da
  AUTHOR OF REFORMED AND fEMINIST AND
                                                                                         RN., ofHealth Services.                     A brief interview with Mrs.        beer," Krisp said with much effort.
             REIMAGINING Gop                             APRIL. 6TH                          "It was high time those girls       Krisp attested to Cookie's paraly-         The terrible duo will not be
                                                                                         learned a lesson or two about           sis dilemma.                           missed. Friends and family bid a
     ''THE AUTHORITY OF THE BIBLE:
                                           "THE BIBLE AND HOMOPHOBIA"
        REFORMED tl/!iD FEM/N/5/'          U""tVfAtSTV Of'" WISCONSIN STEVENS POINT
                                                                                         making fun of others."                      "I've told Cookie for years that   fond farewell to Krisp and Kane
    FRAME MEMORIAL PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH     ' Hf. lJI'<IVf: RSITV CENT£A RESERVE STREET
              1 300 MAIN STREET                            ROOM 125                          As young girls, Kane and            she had to stop making faces or it     late last night as they boarded the
              WORSHIP 9:30AM                              7 008 30PM
        ADULT [OU CA TION 1 0 .45-NOON                                                   Cookie Krisp were notoriously           would stay permanently. ·              midnight train to Topeka.-


~-------------------~
 F                                                                                         PAGE 15 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997

   What the F*#?A! are
      they doing?                             Chancellor caught in the act
                                                            George bares all at nightclub
                                                                                 ing Queen," said the inside                    The inside source had this to
                                                                                 source.                                    say about the Chancellor's little
                                                 By Loo~e Cannon                     Furthermore, a bartender for           scene.
                                                         DONOR                   the establishment reported that                "I couldn't believe it...people
                                                                                 the Chancellor was sucking down            just loved it. Everyone crowded
                                                                                 Mai Tai' s like they were going out        around him in a circle and joined
                                               An inside source for The          of style.                                  in."
                                           Pointer reportedly saw Chancel-.          The bartender also confirmed                "I thought it was hysterical,
                                           lor George in drag at Za's, a Green   the little strip show the Chancel-         but everybody thought it was ab-'"
                                           Bay establishment, on the             lor performed for the club.                solutely fabulous! Hell, I had to
                                           evening of April 1.                       "Yeah, he was really wasted            give him credit, he (Chancellor
                                               Chan~ellor George was wear-       after his tenth Mai Tai. I knew I          George) lasted through the whole         ""
                                           ing green spike heels, an orange      wasn't going to serve him any-             song before he passed out on the
                                           feather boa, mini skirt, and pearl    more once he started flinging his          floor."
                                           earings with a matching necklace.     clothes off and mooning the pa-                Chancellor George was un-
                                               In addition, George had on a      trons," said the bartender.                available for comment on the inci-
                                           platinum blonde wig to disguise           After the Chancellor was               dent. However, a nearby neigh-
                                           himself from patrons who might        dragged off of the bar, kicking            bor of George's reported that his
                                           have noticed him as UW-Stevens        and screaming, he ran to the               (George's) car was not home the
·These men are:     existentialism
                          .                Point Chancellor.                     dance floor where he burst out in          night of the little escapad~.
                                               "I saw him dancing on top of      song.                                          The Pointer's inside source
 A. )Enjoying the   C. )Talking about      the bar and I almost died. I had to       George was screaming out the           promises to keep the university
                                           do a double take when he started      lyrics from the hit television se-         posted with any additional infor-
 spring weather     the new crop of        stripping to Abba's Song, Dane-       ries The Brady_ Bunch.                     mation.
 B.)Discussing      freshman girls.
                                             Arsonist of Old Main fire revealed
                                                                             Crazed Fire Guy: I'm in the pro-               head, causing you to set the build-
                                                     By Hot Buns             cess of taking a basic journalism              ing on fire?
                                                       REGURGITATER          course and I ran out of story                  Lunatic on the Loose: Abso-
                                                                             ideas.                                         lutely! That Kelley can do some
                                                I was privileged enough to H.B.: Walt, I'm confused. Ofall                  weird things.
                                           have an exclusive interview with the story possibilities, how did                    The more he would talk about
                                           the man responsible for r-..,--==----, you come up with the                      Old Main burning down, the more
                                           turning the oldest building                  idea of burning Old                 I believed that's what he really
                                           on campus into a heap of                     Main?                               wanted. His dreams and fantasies
                                           carbon.                                      Firestarter Dude:                   became mine.
                                               For the first time, the                  Well, my professor is               H.B.: So, what are your plans
                                           notorious Old Main arson-                    Pete Kelley, who is a               now that the oldest building on
                                           ist speaks his mind.                         very good professor                 campus has been reduced to
                                               In my interview, I asked                  by the way, always                 ashes?
                                           the psycho why he did it.     The pyro        used the example of                Nutty Arsonist: Well, I thought
                                           H.B.: Whyexactlydidyou                        Old Main burning                   about that. I still need story ideas .
                                           burn down the old building?       down for stories.                              to complete my class.
                                                                                 He used it so much, it became                  I thought about blowing up
This guy is:        class.
A.)ln deep          C.)Pondering his
                                               Bestest                       all I·could think about. I started
                                                                             hearing him in my sleep, when I'd
                                                                                                                            the Science Building; it worked
                                                                                                                            great for those guys in Madison
                                                                             walk the dog, even on the toilet; I            in the sixties. There were a lot of
thought             next bowel move-          Grammar                        was obsessed.                                  new articles after that building'.s
                                                                             H.B.: · You mean to tell me Pete               foundation shook. Though the
B~)Reading for      ment                         By Krussy the clown
                                                                             Kelley took over your mind and                 more I thought about it, I realized
                                                                             embedded his thoughts in your                  I am better at starting fires.
                                                      COPY EDITOR


                                               Sins I em, da copie editer fore
                                           da Pointer, I thot I shuld rite
                                           'bout the importans. of usin'
                                           good gramer in collej. Speling
                                           mistakes dont look perfessionel,
                                           and it just ain't. Good to use bad
                                           grammer wen ritting papers.
                                              Been a english major, i no
                                           how much perfessors hage read-
                                           ing papers that weren't edited.
                                           "Not onlie due they check for
                                           spellin' mistakes butt dey look
                                           for grammer and usaj errers
                                           two." Meny timezpaperz will
                                           be drope(an graed iph dey ain't
                                           checked over.
                                              If yu need summon ta look
                                           over yur papers, Id be hapie to                    Hydrenaline Anorak
These guys are:     their hack abilities   help. Yu can find me· on                           For runners and mountain bikers who want breathable, light-
                                           campuss sumwhere. Im a gud                         weight windwear, the Hydrenaline Anorak is an excellent
A. )Playing hack    C.)Auditioning for     copie editer: and iffyu hapen ta                   choice. An unlined garment, the Hydrenailne Anorak IS made
                                                                                              of our tightly woven, water-repelle~t Microfiber fabric that is
                                           fmed anie mistakez in da Pointer,
B. )Showing off     Riverdance             ya no It aint me
                                                                                              highly breathable.                 i
__;::

        PAGE ·16 APRIL FOOLS',                             197- -Filrtt & Pee-awl
                                                           .9
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                                                                                      J~::!q2.3\/0J A JV\IVM1 M'I . .. JJ3q2.3VDJ
                                                                                    . :7J2,UNl lt\0 2.1 T?IA3H YM .Qit\IW3.51 lt\1 Zl (Jit\IM YM I
                                                                                    . ~3H HllW .:IMOf-\ >tJ~ .VIIAJA 8'1 =1J32.YM diAl=!
                                                                                    . ..                              .     I 5H/ff0 CJAH 3H2.. TUB




                                                                                                                                                   .
                                                                              DIRECTIONS: HOLD UP TO MIRROR AND ROTATE; READ FROM RIGHT TO LEFT (OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!)
                                                                                                                                                       Next Week: He's Got Female Problems



         Ranger's film has the Power Tracing Dinosaur
                                                   First, let's summarize the
                                               amamzing plot. Basically, the
                                               Rangers must help Lerigot, the
                                                                                                  Rentals
                                                                                       From High Honors to Hookers
                                                                                                                                          Jr.'s footsteps
                                               kindly wizard from Liaria, who               (1991; lhr. 9min.)                  90 FM's Pick of
                                               holds the only golden key that can
                                               release the god Maligore from his          What "Citizen Kane". is to               the Week
                By Billy Stevens               volcanic prison, from being cap-       dramatic genre, "From High
                    MoviE IDIOT                tured by Divatox. Whew! Just           Honors to Hookers" is every bit                                                beasts that once roamed the earth
                                               writing that genius makes me           as much to the soft p.omagraphic            By Patrick McGrane                 millions of years ago.
                                                                                      scene.                                            Music CRITIC                     The lead singer's name, J.
             I don't know if you've seen       sweat.
         some of the movies that won               Jason David Frank plays the             It is the timefess story of two                                           Mascis is a take off from the name
         Acadamy Awards for last year,         role of his life in this film. His     straight 'A' high school seniors                                               of the beheamath carnisaur:
         but they pale in comparison to the    character is deep, tough yet           who trade in full scholarships to          There is an amazing amount of       Jexosaurus ·Mascissius, which
         sweeping epic that is Turbo           empathetic, and he delivers one        Harvard for the glamorous and .        dis-information being sent out          roamed ancient Pangea through-
         Power Rangers.                        line with such passion- "Turbo         well-paying life of a Hollywood        about the group Dinosaur Jr.-false      out most of the Triassic period.
             Never before have I seen such     Power         Rangers         form     call girl.                             truths that are accepted by the             Studies of fossilized vocal
         depth of character, plot, and such    megazords!" I'll tell you, that            Only six years old and already     radio listener with little thought      chords of J. Mascissius indicate
         stunning special effects. The         gave me the goosebumps.                a classic of its kind, the film that   as to their validity. I'm here to set   that it produced a roar quite simi-
         time that it must have taken to           Filling in at supporting actor     reinvented the se2( in film brought    the record straight.                    lar in sourid. to the tube-
         come up with such an original         was Johnny Yong Bosch, who             to life unforgettable one liners           For instance many think their       overdriven scream of a
         story idea, find these stUnningly     stuns the audience with leaps and      such as "Oooooooh," and "Hit           new album, "Hand it Over," is           stratac~ster played at full vol-


--       talented actors and put this film
         to print is mind-boggling.
             I'd like to analyze for you the
                                               one-liners that make my skin
                                               creep with ec$tasy. Expect this
                                               film to sweep the Oscars next
                                                                                      it big daddy."
                                                                                          Ron Jeremy protege Tank
                                                                                      Johnson delivers the performance
                                                                                                                             their tenth effort and prior to I 985
                                                                                                                             the band did not exist. This is un-
                                                                                                                             fortunate and has served to re-
                                                                                                                                                                     ume.
                                                                                                                                                                         The sonic feedback experi-
                                                                                                                                                                     mentalism favored by the band is
         dominant parts of this film,          year.                                  of his career in one of his earlier    move an important element of            a poor attempt at mimicking the
         which include the plot, and per-                                             off broadway roles. Eileen Entuit      natural history from the impres-        same powerful roar.
         formances by Jason David Frank            Rating (four possible):            follows Johnson's lead with a          sionable minds of America's                 So next time you hear Dino-
         and Johnny Yong Bosch, playing                                               touching premiere performance.         youth.                                  saur Jr. blasting from your speak-
         the red and green Power Rang-                                                    The soundtrack is also an all-         The truth of the matter lies in     ers, think of Barney's big brother
         ers, respectively.                                                           time favorite.                         their name-which implies some           and imagine that sonic blast com-
                                                                                                             -Buck Naked     sort of junior to the prehistoric       ing from his lungs.
       p.,,, &                                                          Pee-awl-                                                                    PAGE 17 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997


                                                                                                        Tight .C-orner                                         By Grundy and Willett




  ACROSS
  1    Concerning              2      Kind of blockade            37    Former Twins star
  5    You may be stuck        3     Tore apart                        Oliva
      with it                  4     Yalie                        39    Causes of defeat
  9    Histories               5     Whalebone                    40    Toyota model
  14 Filed item                6     More chilling                42    Comic-strip toiler
  15     -deucy                7     Projector part               43    The Who's "Won't
  16 Horse       (western)     8     Fleur-de-                         Get_ Again'
  17 Mayhem on the tube?       9     Dorm-roo-;;; decor           45    Homeric enchantress
  19 Deep-_ (abandons)         10     Beehive's locale            46    Prepared to pull a job
 20 Comic Charlotte            11     Bombshell?                  47    Proverb
  21   Palmer's pocketful      12     Migrate                     48    _ leaguer [pop-fly
  22 Library area              13     Talk trash to                    single)
 23 Golden ager                18     Weasel family member        49    Two- sloth
 25 Abrasive wheel or          22    Need a bath badly            50    WoodY's kid
     board                     24    Repel                        51    Sahara sight
 26 _fruit leggs)              25    Perrier competitor           54    Acknowledge the
 27 Average Joe                27     Dog- (shabby)                    applause
 30      -thin                 28    Petrol.;um giant             55    Bike-tire letters
 33 Marsh birds                29    High time?
 34 Pal                        30    Weakling
 35 In the same place, in      31    Irish Rose lover                                                                Sponsorship circa 6,000 B.C.
     footnotes                 32    Who's there?
 36 Fable ending, often        33     Familiar dog's name
 37 Mexicali munchio           36     Sticks in the mud
 38 Peace, in
     Petrozavodsk
 39 • Bachelor Mother'
     actor David
  40 · Wise old head
  41 Acted the royal pain
  43 One-third of a Beach
      Boys hit
  44 Kitchen need
  45 Imitator
  49 They're sometimes
      turned
  51   Christian of fashion
  52 Lemon drink
  53 End-of-term tests
  54 Cheap dress material?
· 56 Borden bovine
  57 Enough, often
  58 Big name In video
      games
  59 Prescribed amounts
  60 Spruce up the garden
  61 March 15, e.g.

DOWN
1  Within, in combinations
                                    Enteractive, Inc. <>1996/Dist. By Creators Syndicate                       "I wish everyone would keep to the               Captain Bligh, age 2 1/2.
                                                      FOR ANSWERS SEE CLASSIFIEDS                                        pecking order!"




                                                                                     FOUR BLOC.KS LATER I
                                                                                     FOUND IT IN FRONT OF
                                                                                     A DIFFERENT HOUSE
                                                                                     HAVIN6 A PARTY.
     llttp:llwww."lo"lDa..>r>_y.cowtlslow/wa..ve.cg>      •   sahwt>t your> cl.r>ea..wtl   •     po ho-x. 2002012>




   TaNJA STEELE                                          DARRON I l't..L- ONl-Y          THAT'S ~IE.HT A SMAL-L
                                                                                                                 By Joey Hetzel
                                                        0Af6 YOV. U.NOER              \111€.00\lolG ANO A·~€.-
                                                        ONE C.OHOifiON.               N\AI>TIA\.. AE>Rt.f.MENT,
                                                              I WANT
                                                                                    FOR SIART~RS. AHO,WE'U-
                                                         COr-\MITMENT.              PR.OBAe,\..Y 1-lAVf,q OR10
                                                                                     KIDS, SO YOIA'L.\.. HAVE 1'0                                       Turned on
                                                                                     $E.\..\. YOIA'it-.. 'V€.,-·f\:..
                                                                                     SO 'W€. CAM GET A                                                    and offered the    televi~i
                                                                                                 ST'A.TION WAGON.

                                                                                                                                                              grapefruit peels
                                                                                                                                                                 for lunch!




      PE.OPI..E. IN fHE.. RE.AII..VIE..W MIRROR ARt. OUMS~R THAN IHEV A~Pf.AR.
·PAGE 18 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997


        Ten more good reasons to live at the Village*                                                                                                             Beer                       Waterboy
                                                                                                                                                                                           CONTINUED FROM PAGE             10
                             (*Some of which are absolutely true)
              21. All the water you can drink, conveniently located in your kitchen sink                                                                CONTINUED FROM PAGE    1            His time of one minute and 57
              22. Monday night macrame!                                                                                                                                                 seconds in the 50 Bottle Fill event
              23. Living together with good friends and neighbors establishes a strong                                                                                                  was best in the nation. Peterson
                     sense of community necessary for rebuilding the morals and ethics                                                           is actually "Bud Light with a shot     finished third overall in the com-
                     of American society.                                                                                                        of gasoline." When asked about         petition, which consisted of six
              24. You can relax in our indoor hot tub.
                                                                                                                                                 the health impact of this practice,    events:
              25. We have a pool.
              26. We have a game room.
                                                                                                                                                 the board said, "If these fools ac-        "It's great to have an experi-
              2 7. Our apartments have over 850 square feet of space.                                                                            tually drink this stuff, who's to      enced and talented waterboy in
              28. We have 9.5 or 12 month leases.                                                                                                say that the~ don't deserve to die     our program. I'm sure he'll do
              29. Our assistant manager once performed at Tommy Bartlett's Ski, Sky,                                                             anyway?"                               an excellent job getting water for
                     and Stage show.                                                                                                                                                    all my players," UW-SP head
              30. Some of the other people living here .are GORGEOUS!!                                                                               On a positive note, Busch ex-      football coach John Miech said.
                                                                                                                                                 ecutives said that Busch Light
                                                                                                                                                                                            Bennett also had praise for the

        VILLAGE APARTMENTS                                                                                                                       will now be $3.99 a case, and "If
                                                                                                                                                 it got you drunk before, then it
                                                                                                                                                 probably still will. However,
                                                                                                                                                                                        recruit, but wished he could have
                                                                                                                                                                                        been with the team this past sea-
                                                                                                                                                                                        son.
                 It's your life. Live where you want.                                                                                            there is no alcohol in this prod-          "Who knows, if Alan was in
                                                                                                                                                 uct-all reactions are patently psy-    Nebraska with us, we might have
                                                                                                                                                 chosomatic. Thank you."
                          Call341-2120 for a tour.                                                                                                                                      made it to the Final Four. This
                                                                                                                                                                                        young man has unlimited- skills
                                                                                                                                                                                        and we are happy to have him
                                                                                                                                                                                        here at UW-SP as our waterboy,"
                                                                                                                                                                                        Bennett said.
                     E X C L l                S I \' E L Y                 / o r        F .\ C l' L T Y                     a n    d      S T .\ F F

                                                                                                                                                                                            Wrestling
                                                                                                                                                                                          CONTINUED FROM PAGE              10

                                                                                                                                                                                         and Jumping Jamie Hildebrandt
                                                                                                                                                                                         evading foreign objects (some
                                                                                                                                                                                         magic beans).
                                                                                                                                                                                             The pair then double teamed
                                                                                                                                                                                         Flying Carp Hwt. Guppy "The
                                                                                                                                                                                         Fish" Gulke with a flying drop-
                                                                                                                                                                                         kick by Hildebrandt, and Rens
                                                                                                                                                                                         fmished him off with his patented
                                                                                                                                                                                         camel clutch hold for the win.
                                                                                                                                                                                            "Pointer wrestlers sneaky and
                                                                                                                                                                                         devious. They have great talent,"
                                                                                                                                                                                         said WCW scout Mr. Fuji.
                                                                                                                                                                                             The UW-SP contingent that
                                                                                                                                                                                         survives acting class will face
                                                                                                                                                                                         wrestlers such as the effeminate
                                                                                                                                                                                       . actor/actress "Goldust", Kirk
                                                                                                                                                                                         "The Klaw" Bahr, The Under-
                                                                                                                                                                                        taker, Slim Jim Bo~, "Macho
                                                                                                                                                                                         Man" Randy Savage, and the
                                                                                                                                                                                        feared Rick "Raise the Roof'
                                                                                                                                                                                        Dorgay.
                                                                                                                                                                                            "These guys don't stand a
                                                                                                                                                                                        chance in hell. You just gotta
                                                                                                                                                                                        raise the roof on 'em," said an
                                                                                                                                                                                        arrogant and annoyed Dorgay.
                                                                                                                                                                                            If any of the Pointers make it,
                                                                                                                                                                                        a ceremony of induction to the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                be
                                                                                                                                                                                        WWF and WCW will_ held on
                                                                                                                                                                                        Sunday night.




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                                                                     - - - - - ' - - - - - - - - PAGE 19 APRIL FOOLS 1, 1997

HOUSING                                110        U~S'/NG                  HOUSING                             EMPLOYMENT                         E JWPLOYMENT
       3 LEASES NEEDED                    STUDENT HousiNG 97-98                 OFF CMWPus HousiNG                    HELP WANTED                      SuMMER CAMP Jous
   For house of6. 1997-1998             I &2 bedroom apartments less        97-98 school year. Groups 4-       Men I Women earn $4 80              North Star Camp for Boys,
 school year. Co-ed roommates.          than 2 blocks from campus lo-       6. Call Peter.                     weekly assembling c ircuit            Hayward, Wisconsin has
 Call Nikki or Jessi: 346-2908          cated 740 Vincent Ct.                    Call: 341-0312 or             boards/electronic components       openings for cabin counselors
                                               Call: 341-7398                         344-1151                 at home. Experience unneces-         and activity instructors in            •
         SUMMER HOUSING                                                                                        sary, will train. Immediate           riflery, swimming, rock
Large single rooms, across street             PERSON(S) NEEDED              UNIVERSITY LAKE APARTMENTS.        openings your local area.         climbing, tennis, water skiing,
from campus. Reasonable rate is         To occupy own room in newer         3 bedroom apartments, school                                          sailing, archer, overnight trip
                                        3br apartment. Close to cam-                                           Call: 1-520-680-7891 ext. c200
for full summer and includes                                                year leases. Ask about unique                                        leaders, and kitchen staff. Also
utilities. Cable and phone jacks        pus. Reasonable rent. A vail-       payment plan. ·                                                       need office manager. June It-
                                                                                                                         HELP WANTED
in all bedrooms; All houses are         able now! Includes: carpet,                Call: 345-2396                                                  August 10. Good Pay. Call
                                                                                                                Summer in Chicago. Child
nicely decorated; bedrooms and          drapes, stove, fridge, micro, d/                                                                          collect to arrange on campus
                                                                               SPLIT HousE FOR 97-98            care and light house keeping
kitch~ns are furnished. Parking         w, private laundry and off                                                                               interview. Robert Lebby: 6101
                                                                              5 rooms each side. Private        for suburban Chicago fami-
and laundry facilities. Betty or        street parking. Parker Broth-                                                                              E. Paseo Cimarron, Tucson,
                                                                             room $725/semester. Single ·       lies; responsible, loving non-
Daryl Kurtenbach.                       ers Realty.                                                                                                          AZ 85750
                                                                             tenants or groups welcome.         smoker. Call Northfield Nan~
                                                Call: 341-0312                                                                                            (520) 577-7925
         Call: 341-2865                                                       Call Christy at: 346-5919         nies . .
                                              SUMMER RENTALS                                                         Call: (847) 501-5354            * $200-$500 WEEKLY*
    APARTMENTS FoR RENT                 Quality furniture & appli-                STUDENT HOUSING                                                Mailing phone cards. No experi-
97-98 school year. Also summer          ances. Privacy Locks, Cable,
                                                                            Group of 4. Now renting '97-            SuMMER CAMP Jous             ence necessary. For more infor-
  rental from I to 4 bedroom            phone jacks in all bedrooms,
                                                                                                                                .,

                                                                            '98 school year. Nice place, not      Wisconsin Lions Camp           mation send a self-addressed
       apts. Shaurette St.              ceiling fans, blinds, laundry
                                                                            a party house. Quiet area.         needs: lifeguards, counselors,    stamped envelope to: Global
      Call: 715-677-3465                mat, parking, heat, electric,                                                                            Communication, P.O. Box 5679,
                                                                            Carolyn or Rich SQmmer.              and instructors for swim-
      VACANCY FoR Two                   water included in rent. Ac-                                            ming, boating, tripping, ropes    Hollywood, FL 33083
                                        commodating 1-5. A nice                    Call: 341-3158
  For fall '97. Summer open-                                                                                     course, and nature. Also              PROGRAM INSTRUCTOR
                                        place to live.
 ings for 2 or 3. Single rooms,                                                 97-98 SCHOOL YEAR                  available: kitchen and          Canoe and kayak instructor
, nicely furnished. Beverly ·          Call Bet!Y or Henry: 344-2899                                               nursing positions and
                                                                            5 bedroom 2 bath nicely deco-                                        wanted for premiere wilderness
          Apartments.                                                       rated home for 5. Furnished         di~tician. Earn over $1700        tripping program in northern
        Call: 344-2278                          ONE FEMALE                                                        and an enjoyable career
                                                                            including washer and dryer,                                          Wisconsin. Teach canoeing and
                                        Next year share a nice house        plenty of free parking, nice            related experience.           sea kayaking skills to Manito-
       SuMMER HousiNG                   with nice woman. Your own                                              Wisconsin Lions Camp, 3834
 3 bedroom apartments. Uni-                                                 location. Individual leases for                                           wish staff and campers.
                                        bedroom.                            9 or 12 months.                    Cty Rd A, Rosholt, Wl54473
 versity Lake. $450/month.                                                                                                                        Supervise assistant instructor.
                                              Call: 341-3158                                                          (715) 677-4761
                                                                            Call: 341-2248 or 345-0153                                           Utilize and maintain aluminum
        Call: 345-2396
                                                                                                                                                 and wood canoes, north canoes,
   ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT                                                            FALL HousiNG
                                                                                                                 . . NANNY OPPORTU
                                                                                                                         .            .
                                                                                                                                      NITY
                                                                                                                                                     and sea kayaks. Previous
                                              EASTPOINT                                                           Earn an excelleni.salary
June L $375 I month. Furnished                                              Group of four. Attractively                                           teaching experience required
                                                                                                               while experiencing a different
  including heat, water, garage,             APARTMENTS                     furnished and decorated. Liv-                                          and CPR, l st aid, and LGT.
                                                                                                                 part of the country as an
laundry, storage. 1233 Franklin-                                            ing room, kitchen, laundry.                                            Contact Camp Manito-wish,
                                                                                                               American Nanny! $175-350 a
    5 blocks from university.                   341-6868                    1740 Oak Street.                    week plus room and board.
                                                                                                                                                           Anne Derver.
     Call Henry or Betty:                                                                                                                        Call or e-mail: (414) 523-1623
                                                                            Call Rich or Carolyn Sommer:         All expenses paid by the
          344-2899                                                                                                                                  expmwish@execpc.com
                                        --Large One Bedroom                           341-3158 .                  family. Go with the best
                                                                                                                       referral service.             SERVICES
                                                                            STUDENT HOUSING 1997-1998
          ANCHOR                       . --3 Blocks from Campus                                                   Call for a free brochure:
                                                                             2232 Main Street (Next to                1-800-937-NANI             NON-TRADITIONAL SCHOLARSHIP
     APARTMENTS                         --Laundry, Air, New Flooring        Nelson Hall). Licensed for 5,
                                                                                                                      GIRL ScouT CAMP
                                                                                                                                                          APPLICATIONS
                                                                             separate bedrooms, 2 bath,                                          Are now available in the Non-
                                                                                                                   Hiring counselors, unit
                                        --Many New Improvements             rec room, large living room.       leaders, waterfront director &    Trad Student Office, Rm. 131,
    Housing, Duplexes; Apart-                                                      Call: 341-1471                 cooks for June 12 through      UC (ext. 2045), or the Alumni
    ments. Very close to campus,        --Garages Available                                                                                      Relations Office, Rm. 20$, Old
    1,2,3,4,or 5 bedrooms, profes-                                             FouR BEDROOM HousE ·            August 12. 45 min. N or Eau
    sionally managed, partially fur-                                                                               Claire. Call "Chance,"        Main (ext. 3811). Deadl~ne for
                                                     ~                      Available for summer. $300                                            registration is May l , 1997
    nished, parking & laundry fa-                                                                                director for an application
    cilities. Call now for 1997-98
                                             $365.00 - 9 month             per person fro entire summer.
                                            $325.00 - 12 month                                                      packet and on-campus            ROTARY FOUNDATION INC.
    school year. I block from cam-                                              Located on Division
    pus. Please leave message. Im-          $315.00- 15 month                                                   interview. Cool summer fun!
                                                                                                                                                   Scholarship applications are
    mediate openings.                                                              Call: 842-2305                  Call: (847) 741-5521
                                                                                                                                                  now available in the Alumni
                                             $235.00 - Summer
     Call: 341-4455 or                                                         FOR SALE                        WILDERNESS BACKPACK LEADERS
                                                                                                                                                 Relations Office, Rm 208, Old
                                              $35.00- Garage                                                                                      Main (ext. 3811). Applicants
         344-6424
                                                                           WAIT TRAINING FITNESS LETTER         To lead teens on 14 day Isle         (or their parents) must be
                                                                              For intermediate and above           Royale trips. Previous          residents of Portage County.
                                                                            level athletes. Comprehensive         professional experience        Criteria for this $1000 scholar-
                                                                                                                required and CPR, 1st Aid,

                                         ~
                                                                           and time-efficient. Send $17.50                                         ship include financial need, ,
          97-98                                                              to: Weight Training Fitness         and LGT. Contact Camp
                                                                                                                   Manito-wish YMCA,
                                                                                                                                                  community involvement, and
                                                                             Systems, PO Box 33646, La                                              rank in class. Deadline for
                                          -
     HousiNG                                     Wcmt                          Crosse, WI 54602-3646                  Caroline Bone.             registration is April 18, .1997.
                                                                                                               Call or e-mail: (414) 523-1623
                                                CL   eill&           ..          TI-82 CALCULATOR
                                                                                                                 expmwish@execpc.com


                                       R~pert ..
  ·various Sizes                                                           Good condition. $60 or best
                                                                                      offer.
                                                                                                                                                    IN R.E
                                                                                                                                                    NA I L
                                                                                                                                                    TV VI     0
                                                                                                                                                                B I L L
                                                                                                                                                                AC E
                                                                                                                                                                L I N S
                                                                                                                                                                        y
                                                                                                                                                                          PAS T s
                                                                                                                                                                          OPE R A
                                                                                                                                                                          S I X E S

  And Locations                                                               Call: (715) 569-4090             YMCA SUMMER EMPLOYMENT
                                                                                                                                                    RAE
                                                                                                                                                    0 L OS
                                                                                                                                                          H
                                                                                                                                                              T
                                                                                                                                                              T
                                                                                                                                                              E
                                                                                                                                                                E E S
                                                                                                                                                                E R
                                                                                                                                                                N
                                                                                                                                                                        s T A CK S
                                                                                                                                                                      EM E R Y
                                                                                                                                                                    EV E R YM AN
                                                                                                                 Hiring full-time summer            WA F E    R   RA I L S    BR O
                                                                                                                                                    I 8 10      MO R A L    T A       co
                                                                                FREET-SHIRT
              Can:                     ~here you live 7                              +$1000
                                                                                                                  school age counselors.
                                                                                                               Application deadline 4/25/97
                                                                                                                                                    MIR
                                                                                                                                                    P E S T
                                                                                                                                                        T I
                                                                                                                                                              Nl VEN
                                                                                                                                                              E R E 0
                                                                                                                                                              M E R
                                                                                                                                                                          S 0 L ON
                                                                                                                                                                        F UN
                                                                                                                                                                       co p      yc
                                                                                                                                                                                AT


                                         ~
                                                                                                                                                    T A 8 L   E S   0 I OR    A 0 E
                                                                                                                  Stop by YMCA Child
        F&F                               Rich or Carolyn
                                                                               Credit Card fundraisers
                                                                              for fraternities, sororities
                                                                               & groups. Any campus
                                                                                                                 Development Office for
                                                                                                                   employment packet.
                                                                                                                                                    OR A L
                                                                                                                                                    E L S I
                                                                                                                                                    DO S E
                                                                                                                                                              S
                                                                                                                                                              E
                                                                                                                                                              S
                                                                                                                                                                  BU R L A P S A X
                                                                                                                                                                  ON C E
                                                                                                                                                                  W E E 0
                                                                                                                                                                            S E GA
                                                                                                                                                                            10 E S
                                                                                                                                                    An>-wer to previous puzzle
                                              Sommer
  Properties                                  4224 JaniCk Circle
                                           Slevens Poml . WI 54481
                                                                               orgcfnization can raise
                                                                               up to $1000 by earning
                                                                                 a whopping $5.00/
                                          (71 5) ) 41 -31 58                      VISA application.
                                                                             Call 1-800-932-0528 ext. 65.
  Call:       344~5779                                                        Qualified callers receive
                                                                                FREET-SHIRT.
                                                                                                                                                    :;;~-
                                                                                                                                                          •
                                                                                                                                                    ~

                                                                                                                                                     0
                                                                                                                                                     C)
                                                                                                                                                    ~
                                                                                                                                                    0     ..,
                                                                                                                                                    --.....
                                                                                                                                                       ..


                                                                                                                                                                                      HOURS:
                                                                                                                                                                Sun.-Wed.             11 :00 a.m. - 1:30 a.m.
                                                                                                                                                                Thurs.                11 :00 a.m. - 2:00 a.m.
                                                                                                                                                                Fri. &Sat.            11 :00 a.m. - 3:00 a.m.




                  MEDIUM PIZZA                                                                                                                                  LARGE PIZZA

                                                                                                     •
      I                                                                                                                                        I                                                                                    I
      I             1 Topping                                                                                                                  I                  1 Topping                                                         I
                                                                                                                                               I                                                                                    I
''f
      I
                             ss.9~                                                                                                                                   $7.99 '
      I+
      I
      I   ~. ·:
                  Thin or Original crust only. Deep Dish extra.

                        Call 345·0901
                                                                        • Tax not included
                                                                         •Expires 5/30/97
                                                                      • Not good with any
                                                                    other coupon or offer
                                                                  •U.W.S.P. Campus Only
                                                                                             I
                                                                                             I                                                 I+
                                                                                                                                               I
                                                                                                                                                           Thin or Original cru~ only. Deep Dish extra.




                                                                                                                                                ------------
                                                                                                                                                                 Call 345·0901
                                                                                                                                                                                                                •Tax not included
                                                                                                                                                                                                                •Expires 5/30/97
                                                                                                                                                                                                              •Not good wnh any
                                                                                                                                                                                                            other coupon or offer
                                                                                                                                                                                                          •U.W.S.P. Campus Only
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I

                                                                                                                                                                                  2
                            2 Toppings
                                       +
                                                                                                            · 2 Toppings
                                                                                                                 +
                                                                                                                                                                      sg_99
          1 Order Bread Sticks with sauce                                                        1 Order Bread Sticks with sauce                          2 LARGE 2 Toppings

                             $7.99
      I A · Thin or Origmal c-rust only Deep Dish extra.
                                                                                    99
                                                                       •Taxnotmcludedl
                                                                       • Exptres 5/30197
                                                         Thin or Original crust only. Deep Dish extra.
                                                                     •Not good wtth any
                                                                                                             sg_                     99
                                                                                                                                •Taxnottncludedl
                                                                                                                                • Expires 5/30/97
                                                                                                       Thin or Original crust only. Deep Dish extra.
                                                                                                                              •Not good wtth any
                                                                                                                                                                  $12         .       •
                                                                                                                                                                                                                •Taxnotincludedl
                                                                                                                                                                                                                • Expires 5/30/97
                                                                                                                                                                                                              •Not good with any
      I '., ·
           •
                  C a II 345 •0901                             Call 34 0901
                                                                    othercouponorofferl
                                                                  •U.WS.P. Campus Only
                                                                                                        .    C a II 345 •0901
                                                                                                                  ~.         othercouponorofferl
                                                                                                                           •U.WS.P. Campus Only
                                                                                                                                                                                                            othercouponorofferl
                                                                                                                                                                                                          •U.W.S.P. Campus Only


      -~-------------------------------------

				
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