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					“MISTER BODY
 EPISODE 1”
     by
 Scott Renz




                   Scott Renz
               (202) 704-8638
FADE IN:
       MISTER BODY
Sheila and Steve, a couple engaged to be married, are in the
parlor of the funeral home. Steve is showing it to Sheila.
                           SHEILA
                A funeral home? You've bought
               the funeral home? I'm going to
               be married to a funeral
               director?
                           STEVE
               Darling, this is a great
               opportunity. We couldn't
               afford to be married on my
               carriage driver's salary.
                           SHEILA
               I know. We discussed that. But
               you said with tips we should
               be able to make it.
                           STEVE
               That was from the tips if you
               were going to ride along and
               bring out the kinky side of
               the old geezer passengers we
               picked up.
                           SHEILA
               Kinky side? You said I was to
               make them think I thought they
               were kings.
                           STEVE
               You must have misunderstood me
               darling. Anyway. That's all in
               the past now. We've had the
               good fortune of acquiring this
               funeral home.
                           SHEILA
               What made that old coot sell
               it to you anyway?
                           STEVE
               Um, he must have been feeling
               generous I guess. Anyway, he
                     signed it over to me for 50
                     pounds just before the heart
                     attack.
                                 SHEILA
                     Fifty pounds? Why would he do
                     that? What were you two
                     talking about? Why did he keep
                     eying me like that as you
                     pointed my way.
                                 STEVE
                     I don't know what you are
                     talking about.
                                  SHEILA
                     Yes you do. What did you
                     promise him?
                                 STEVE
                     Nothing darling. He was just
                     feeling generous.
                                 SHEILA
                     Did you offer him me?
                                 STEVE
                     How did you kn... I mean, how
                     could you think such a thing?
                     I would never put you in such
                     a position. You know I love
                     you too much darling.
(he gives her a deep kiss)
(brother Bob comes in drunk again with a floozy, Nancy)
                                 BOB
                     I thought you said funeral
                     parlor. From the looks of the
                     goings on here, it looks like
                     some other kind of a parlor.
(they break off the kiss)
                                 STEVE
                     Oh Bob. You got my message I
                     see. What do you think? It's
                     all ours.
                                      BOB
              Are you sure you wouldn't want
              to run some other kind of
              parlor here? It's got all the
              trimmings for it.
                          STEVE
              No, we don't have the cash to
              convert it. Besides, this is a
              nice legitimate operation
              here. Why take risks having to
              deal with the law.
                          BOB
              If you say so.
                          NANCY
              So this is a real funeral
              parlor? Kind of spooky. You
              got bodies in here?
                          STEVE
              No, not yet. But if that
              plague reaches here, business
              should be booming.
                          SHEILA
              Hoping for the plague? That's
              awful.
                          STEVE
              It's not like I started the
              plague. But if bad things
              should happen, why not look on
              the bright side.
                          SHEILA
              Well, I've got to go. Mama
              needs my help with her bridge
              party this evening.
                          STEVE
              Ok, darling. You have fun.
(They kiss)
                          SHEILA
              Good night Bob. Nice to meet
              you...ah, what is your name?
                          BOB
               Oh, sorry. Nancy? This is my
               brother Steve and his fiancée,
               Sheila.
                           NANCY
               Pleased to meet you.
                           SHEILA
               Yes, it was nice knowing you.
               I mean, meeting you. See you
               tomorrow, my darling.
                           STEVE
               Yes, dear. Have a good night.
(Sheila stares at the table for a moment then exits)
                           BOB
               No bodies? I thought you said
               to come over to help you with
               the body?
                           STEVE
               Yes, I meant, no other bodies.
               I mean, no customers. Well, I
               guess he (gestures to body
               slumped over table) is a
               customer now.
                           BOB
               How do you know he’s the
               owner?
                           STEVE
               Well, he had the key. He knew
               right where the papers were.
               He must be.
                           BOB
               So, what do we do with the
               body?
                           STEVE
               Well, we have to wait for the
               coroner to arrive first.
                           BOB
               Great. Has he got any booze
               here?
                           STEVE
               I would imagine so. He seemed
               almost as toasted as you.
                           BOB
               I’m not toasted.
                            STEVE
               That’s right, you always talk
               with a slur.
                           NANCY
               I know he’s not toasted ‘cause
               I matched him drink for drink.
(she passes out and falls on the floor)
                              STEVE
               Point taken.
(door chimes sound)
                           STEVE
               That must be the coroner.
(Steve goes to door and let’s him in)
                            STEVE
               How do you do sir. You must be
               the coroner.
                           PLIMPTON
               I wish. I am his new
               assistant. Maybe if he drops
               dead like your friend there
               (gestures toward Nancy) I’ll
               be coroner. Plimpton’s the
               name.
                           STEVE
               Pleased to meet you. Steven
               Hitchcock. Er, that’s not the
               body I sent for you about.
                           PLIMPTON
               Not the body. (looks Nancy
               over) When were you going to
               deal with this one?
                           STEVE
               No, no. You don’t understand.
               She just passed out there
               before you called. Been
                 nipping a few I‘m afraid.
                 Here’s the dead body.
(leads him over to the table where the body slumped over the
table.
Plimpton takes a whiff and winces)
                             PLIMPTON
                 What leads you to believe this
                 one’s dead? He can’t take as
                 much as she can?
                             STEVE
                 No, we were in the middle of a
                 deal. Well, just concluded a
                 deal actually. And when my
                 fiancée came up and smiled at
                 him. He got a great big smile
                 on his face and then suddenly
                 started gasping and grabbed
                 his chest and then keeled over
                 there.
                             PLIMPTON
                 I can’t quite picture that.
                             STEVE
                 We’ll show you. Sheila?
(Sheila comes back in. Steve sits at the table. The body
lifts up his head. Sheila smiles at him seductively. The
body gets a big smile on his face and then suddenly starts
gasping and grabs his chest and then keels over)
                             PLIMPTON
                 I think I get the picture.
                 Thank you.
                             SHEILA
                 That’s quite all right.
(Sheila exits)
                             PLIMPTON
                 Let’s have a look.
(opens his case and checks for vital signs)
                             PLIMPTON
                 Yeah, I think you’re right.
                             STEVE
               So, what’s the procedure? Did
               you want us to lend you a hand
               getting him to your carriage?
                           PLIMPTON
               Well, ordinarily I would. But
               let me ask you a question.
               Where would you have me bring
               him?
                           STEVE
               Well, to a... Oh, I see your
               point. Yes, I suppose we could
               take care of him here.
                           PLIMPTON
               You are licensed I presume?
                           STEVE
               Ah, yeah, sure.
                           PLIMPTON
               Well then I’ll just fill out
               the certificate and be on my
               way. You’re sure you don’t
               want me to check the other
               one?
                           STEVE
               She should be fine. I think.
               Er, maybe you’d better.
(Plimpton goes over and checks on her. He looks up at them)
                            STEVE
               Well?
                            PLIMPTON
               I hate to be the bearer of bad
               news, but...
                            STEVE
               But?
                            BOB
               But..
                            PLIMPTON
               Cockroach.
                            STEVE
               Cockroach?
                            BOB
               Cockroach?
                           PLIMPTON
               Yeah, I don’t know if she
               brought it in or if it is from
               the home, but she’s got a
               cockroach crawling on her.
                           STEVE
               But is she...
                           PLIMPTON
               Dead? No, like you say. She’s
               passed out from drinking. But
               we usually don’t leave them on
               the floor from that.
                           STEVE
               Well, it just happened before
               you came to the door.
                            PLIMPTON
               I see.
(goes to table to prepare the certificate)
                            STEVE
               Well Bob. You want to give me
               a hand here?
                           BOB
               Oh, yeah, right.
(They get Nancy, after much struggling as she wobbles about
as they try to get her up, to a chair eventually)
                           STEVE
               Think she’ll be all right
               there?
                           BOB
               Well, from what I’ve seen of
               her habits, she usually uses a
               bed.
                           STEVE
               Oh, yeah, I guess you’re
               right. Wonder where’s the bed.
                            BOB
                  How should I know? It’s your
                  home.
                              STEVE
                  Oh, yeah. Let me see. What’s
                  this room over here?
(goes to a door and looks in)
                              STEVE
                  Yeah, there’s a bed in here. I
                  suppose it will do.
(they go through a struggle again and get her to the room
eventually)
(after a moment in the room we hear Nancy off stage shriek and say...)
                              NANCY
                  Hey, I’m a good girl.
(the guys come running out of the room disheveled)
                              STEVE
                  Got yourself a regular wild
                  cat there. Is that blood?
                              BOB
                  Oh, you’ll get used to it.
                              STEVE
                  I should hope not. You don’t
                  plan to leave her here?
                              BOB
                  Not if you want to wrestle her
                  into the carriage with me.
                              STEVE
                  I see what you mean. I hope
                  Sheila understands.
                              BOB
                  Well, if she doesn’t, you
                  won’t have to go looking for
                  another as you’ll already have
                  one.
                              STEVE
                  Gee thanks. You always did
                  like to pawn them off on me
                  after you had your fun.
                                  BOB
                      I think I have a few more
                      miles coming out of this one.
                      But, if it costs you Sheila,
                      the least I can do is offer
                      her up.
                                  STEVE
                      You’re so thoughtful, Bob.
                                  PLIMPTON
                      The deceased's name?
                                        STEVE
                      What?
                                  PLIMPTON
                      I have to put a name on the
                      certificate. What’s his name?
                                  STEVE
                      Good question.
                                  PLIMPTON
                      I thought you just concluded a
                      deal with him. You don’t know
                      his name?
                                  STEVE
                      It didn’t come up.
                                  PLIMPTON
                      You didn’t sign any papers?
                                  STEVE
                      Oh, yeah. Right there. Under
                      his face.
(Steve hesitates)
                                  STEVE
                      Er, if you don’t mind.
(Steve indicates that he would like Plimpton to lift the
head)
(Plimpton gives him a look of disdain for being so squeamish and then lifts the head so
that Steve can retrieve the papers)
                                        STEVE
                      Aloysius…
(says the last name hesitantly as it is hard to make out)
                           STEVE
               B-bobby?
(Plimpton gives a questionable look and reaches out his hand
in anticipation of receiving the papers to have a look.
Steve gives him the paper and Plimpton looks at it)
                           PLIMPTON
               Body. Ha. Figures. Looks like
               you’ve got yourself a real
               body.
(Plimpton fills the name into the certificate)
                           PLIMPLTON
               Ok, here’s your certificate.
               Looks like you fellows have
               your hands full here. I
               suppose I’ll be seeing a lot
               of you. Being in the business
               and all.
                           STEVE
               I suppose you’re right.
                           PLIMPTON
               Well, so long. Good luck with
               your, ah...bodies.
                           STEVE:
               Thanks. I am sure we will be
               all right. So long.
(Plimpton exits)
                           STEVE
               I wonder where they put the
               bodies?
                           BOB
               Probably in the cellar. That’s
               what I do.
                           STEVE
               Ha ha. Must be this other room
               over here.
(Steve checks out the other room)
                           STEVE:
               (off stage) Wow, come look at
               this.
(Bob goes off stage)
(Nancy stumbles on stage)
                                 NANCY
                     Where’d everybody go?
(Body raises his head, points to the other room, and puts
his head back down)
                                       NANCY
                     Oh, thanks.
(Nancy stumbles to other room)
(The boys come back out of the room)
                                 STEVE
                     At any rate, it will do. Come
                     on Bob. Give me a hand.
(They have another struggle getting the body from the table)
                                 STEVE
                     Well come on. Stop holding him
                     back.
                                 BOB
                     I’m not holding him back. His
                     leg is wrapped around the
                     table leg.
(Body looks over at leg)
                                       BODY
                     Oh sorry.
(Body moves his leg and resumes his pose)
                                 STEVE
                     That’s all right.
(They continue the struggle and finally get him into the
other room)
(Nancy’s shriek comes from off stage)
(The boys come back out of the room struggling with the passed out Nancy and bring her
back to her room)
(after a moment in the room we hear Nancy off stage shriek and say...)
                                 NANCY
                     Hey, I’m a good girl.
(Nancy comes running out of the room with the boys trailing
behind her)
(As Nancy is heading to the couch she says…)
                                 NANCY
                     Oh what the heck. Just ravish
                     me right here.
(she plops herself on the couch)
                                 BOB
                     You want firsts?
                                 STEVE
                     Oh please (says Steve in
                     disgust).
                                 STEVE
                     I had better start working on
                     that body. We wouldn’t want it
                     to get ripe on us.
                                 BOB
                     No, We don’t want that. You
                     know how to handle that
                     equipment?
                                 STEVE
                     Can’t be much different than
                     Uncle John’s.
                                 BOB
                     No, I don’t suppose so.
                                 STEVE
                     Try not to mess the place up.
(Steve exits into the Body room)
                                 BOB
                     Wonder where’s the booze.
(He spots a cabinet and goes to it and comes up with a
bottle)
                                      BOB
                     Ah yes.
(He opens the bottle and takes a slug)
                                      BOB
                     Ahhh.
(He stumbles around and passes out onto Nancy)
                           NANCY
               Hey, I’m a good girl.
(Nancy then passes back out)
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK:
LIGHTS UP:
(living room of Sheila’s mother, Edith)
                           EDITH
               Thank you for helping out,
               Sheila. I don't think I could
               have handled all those
               cackling women without you.
                           SHEILA
               Heh. No problem.
                           EDITH
               How are things going with
               Steve?
                           SHEILA
               Still going I guess.
                            EDITH
               You guess? You sound like you
               have doubts.
                           SHEILA
               Well, I don't think he really
               cares for me, for ME.
                            EDITH
               For you? Then who does he care
               for you for?
                           SHEILA
               Oh, you know what I mean. He
               wants me for what he can get
               for me.
                           EDITH
               Like flowers and jewelry you
               mean? Doesn't sound like
               something to complain about.
                           SHEILA
               No, like getting old men's
               money by using me as a lure.
                           EDITH
Oh? Has he done that?
            SHEILA
I think so, Mom. He just
acquired a funeral parlor for
fifty pounds by getting the
old coot hot over me. The poor
thing then up and died.
            EDITH
Are you serious?
            SHEILA
Yes, Mom. He had a heart
attack right there at the
negotiating table while
drooling over me.
            EDITH
How awful. Is it a good
parlor? I mean, has it been
kept up?
            SHEILA
Oh Mom. How can you say that?
            EDITH
Sorry darling. I don’t know
what came over me. Are you
sure he used you for that? It
wasn’t just a coincidence?
            SHEILA
Yes Mom. Before that he wanted
me to ride with disgusting old
men in his carriage so that I
could lure money out of them.
I don’t think he really loves
me. He just loves what he can
get for me.
            EDITH
I see what you mean. So what
will he do with this funeral
parlor?
            SHEILA
I think he means to operate
it. His Uncle John has one
that he used to help at. So it
               is not as unreasonable as it
               might have sounded.
                           EDITH
               What are you going to do? Are
               you going to help him operate
               it?
                           SHEILA
               I don’t know. If I could just
               find out for sure how he
               really feels about me.
                              EDITH
               That’s easy.
                              SHEILA
               It is?
                           EDITH
               Sure. Just send another babe
               in his direction--fawning all
               over him. That will draw out
               his true colors.
                              SHEILA
               Hmmmmm.
FADE TO BLACK:
LIGHTS UP:
(Nancy wakes up, notices Bob on her, after much struggling
manages to shove him off of her and slithers onto the floor
only to have Bob roll off on top of her)
                           NANCY
               Wake up! Come on Bob. Get up.
               Get off of me.
                              BOB
               Huh?
                           NANCY
               Get off of me.
                              BOB
               Was I good?
                           NANCY
               Yeah, real good. Now get off
               of me.
(Bob rolls off and bumps his head on the bottom of the
catafalque)
                           BOB
               Ow! What's this?
(Bob gets up to have a look)
                           BOB
               Whoa! What am I doing in
               there.
                           NANCY
               What are you talking about?
(Nancy gets up to have a look)
                           NANCY
               Oh my! What are you doing in
               there?
                           BOB
               This must be the guy who
               croaked last night.
                           NANCY
               Is he your brother?
                           BOB
               Not that I know about.
(Bob leans on the catafalque and it starts to roll)
                           NANCY
               Whoa. Easy there boy.
                             BOB
               Hey,   we ought to roll this guy
               over   to Zaney's and pretend
               he's   me. Think that'll shake
               them   up?
                           NANCY
               Heh, that'd be a good one. I
               could make like I am the
               bereaved widow to be.
                           BOB
               You can't be a widow to be.
                             NANCY
               Why not?
                           BOB
               We ain't married.
                           NANCY
               I know silly. That's why I'd
               be a widow to be, 'cause we
               ain't married yet.
                           BOB
               But you can't marry a dead
               guy.
                           NANCY
               I ain't marryin' a dead guy.
               I'm marryin' you. And you
               ain't dead yet.
                           BOB
               Oh yeah. (as if it dawns on
               him that oh yeah he is not
               dead) So help me roll this guy
               out to the street.
(they manage to get it rolling to the door)
                           BOB
               Quick. Get the door.
(Nancy tries to get the door opened before the catafalque
hits it, but fails to and it crashes into the door. The body
rolls out as a result.)
                             BOB
               Dag nab it.
(Bob tries to lift the body up, but has a tough time of it)
                           BOB
               Gimme a hand, will ya?
(They struggle trying to get the body back onto the
catafalque which keeps rolling away as they almost get it
on. Eventually they succeed)
                           BOB
               Ok, get that door open.
(Nancy opens the door and then joins Bob in pushing the
catafalque out the door. We hear horses whinnying and
crashing sounds.)
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK:
LIGHTS UP:
(catafalque is back with a body on it)
(Door chime sounds. After a pause, it sounds again.)
(Steve Enters from bedroom)
                                STEVE
                    Who could that be at this
                    hour?
(Steve opens the front door. A woman enters. She's gorgeous)
                                YOLANDA
                    Ok, where do we start?
                                STEVE
                    Um, at the beginning I
                    believe.
                                YOLANDA
                    Ok, will the couch work for
                    you?
                                STEVE
                    Um, sure. That is the usual
                    starting place, is it not?
                                YOLANDA
                    I am sure it often is. It
                    should work for us.
                                    STEVE
                    Of course.
(They walk over to the couch. After a pause where Steve is
looking awkward and Yolanda is looking self assured and
waiting for Steve's move...)
                                STEVE
                    Well, here we are.
(pause)
                                    STEVE
                    The couch.
                                YOLANDA
                    Yes the couch.
                                STEVE:
                    Do you suppose we should start
                    by sitting on it?
                           YOLANDA
               You're the boss.
(Yolanda is still standing and waiting)
                           STEVE
               Yes, of course. Let's do sit
               down then.
                           YOLANDA
               Ok.
                           STEVE
               Um, sit.
                           YOLANDA
               Who? Me?
                           STEVE
               Er, yes. Who did you have in
               mind?
                           YOLANDA
               Well, it could go several
               ways.
                           STEVE
               Yes, several.
(Pauses)
                           STEVE
               How many do you count?
                           YOLANDA
               Who counts? I just let it
               happen.
                           STEVE
               Yes, who's counting.
(Pauses)
                           STEVE
               Perhaps I should sit?
                           YOLANDA
               Perhaps you should.
                           STEVE
               Yes, that is probably best.
(Steve sits)
                           STEVE
               Well, here I am.
                           YOLANDA
               There you are.
                           STEVE
               Well, aren't you going to sit?
                           YOLANDA
               Is that what you would have me
               do?
                           STEVE
               Sure. Certainly. Have a seat.
                           YOLANDA
               Thank you. I thought you'd
               never ask.
(Yolanda sits on Steve's lap. Steve acts surprised. Yolanda
gets off.)
                           YOLANDA
               Oh, I've embarrassed you. I'm
               so sorry.
                           STEVE
               No, not at all. I just wasn't
               prepared. You caught me while
               I was, er, shifting.
                           YOLANDA
               Oh, sorry. I should be more
               careful. I forgot about the…
               shifting. I should have
               remembered that part.
                           STEVE
               You're acquainted with the
               shifting?
                           YOLANDA
               Well, one can't help it. I
               mean, it happens.
                           STEVE
               Yes, well, where were we?
                           YOLANDA
               You thought I should sit.
                           STEVE
               Yes, please do.
                           YOLANDA
               Ok, I'll just sit over here
               for the moment. Until you feel
               it is safe.
(Yolanda sits on the couch)
                           STEVE
               Yes, safe. I think I've
               properly shifted.
                           YOLANDA
               So, it is safe then?
                           STEVE
               Yeah. It's pretty safe. I
               think it would be all right.
                           YOLANDA
               Are you sure?
                              STEVE
               Well, er...
                            YOLANDA
               Is there any reason it would
               not be safe?
                           STEVE
               Well, there's...
                           YOLANDA
               There's what?
                           STEVE
               Well, there's this slight
               thing?
                           YOLANDA
               Oh? How slight exactly?
                           STEVE
               Well, it's just that...
(The head falls off the body and rolls along the floor.
Steve stands up and Yolanda screams and stands up and jumps
up and clutches Steve and he catches her)
(Sheila comes through the door)
                           SHEILA
               So this is how much you love
               me.
(Steve tosses Yolanda onto the couch)
                           STEVE
               It's not what you think. The
               head. It rolled off the body.
               She jumped into my arms.
                           SHEILA
               Oooo, disgusting. What's his
               head doing there?
                           STEVE
               I don't know. It just rolled
               off.
(Steve goes over to have a look at the body)
                           STEVE
               My God. What has happened
               here? He has been brutalized.
                           SHEILA
               Brutalized? How could he be
               brutalized? Were you two so
               busy that you hadn't noticed
               him being brutalized? Who
               would brutalize him? Where's
               Bob?
                           STEVE
               Well, I know Bob has some
               peculiar habits but I can't
               imagine him thinking
               brutalizing a dead body would
               be a fun thing to do.
                           SHEILA
               Well how could it happen then?
               And right under your nose?
                           STEVE
               I was sleeping.
                           SHEILA
               Yes, that is the popular term
               for it.
            STEVE
No, I was really sleeping.
Alone. She knocked on the door
and woke me up.
            SHEILA
Then what is she doing here?
            STEVE
Well, I don't know. I was
about to ask her when the head
fell off. So, (to Yolanda)
what are you doing here?
            YOLANDA
Ask her?
            STEVE
Her? So (to Sheila) this is
your scheme? Well I passed
with flying colors. Isn't (to
Yolanda) that right?
            YOLANDA
The colors were flying. I am
sure of that. But as to
passing...
            STEVE
What? What are you saying? You
know nothing happened. Tell
her.
            SHEILA
Is that right, Yolanda? He
didn't try anything?
            YOLANDA
It's hard to say. There was
the matter of a little head.
That certainly made things
hard. That is, hard to tell
where it was going.
            STEVE
It was going across the floor.
Now don't lead on like
anything was happening here.
You know nothing was. Now tell
her.
(Yolanda considers)
                           YOLANDA
               No, he didn't try anything.
               You've got a good boy.
(Sheila rushes over to Steve and hugs him)
                           SHEILA
               Oh darling. Please forgive me.
               How could I ever have doubted
               you?
(they kiss)
                           STEVE
               You are forgiven, Sweetheart.
                           YOLANDA
               Nice kiss. What about the
               head problem?
                           SHEILA
               It's never been a problem.
                           YOLANDA
               Ahem.
                           SHEILA
               Oh.
                           STEVE
               I guess I should get it up. I
               suppose I should cover it with
               something.
                            SHEILA
               Yes, that would be the healthy
               thing to do.
                           STEVE
               Yes, it could be messy
               otherwise.
                           YOLANDA
               Oh for the love of God.
(Yolanda grabs the head by the hair and puts it on to the
table)
                           YOLANDA
               There, that wasn't so hard.
                           SHEILA
               Yes, that was always your
               specialty.
                           YOLANDA
               What?
                           SHEILA
               I mean doing the hard things.
               You've always been straight
               forward that way. A real
               standup girl.
                           YOLANDA
               Yes, thank you. I have always
               thought of myself that way.
               When everyone else's nerves
               have gone limp, I step in and
               do what needs to be done.
                           STEVE
               Well we've got to do something
               about this body.
(Yolanda eyes Steve’s body and feels his muscle)
                           YOLANDA
               Nothing that a little workout
               can't fix.
                           STEVE
               What? I'm talking about Mr.
               Body's body. His friends and
               family aren't going to like
               this.
                           YOLANDA
               I suppose not. What do you
               suppose happened to him?
                           SHEILA
               He had a heart attack.
                           YOLANDA
               Duh. I mean, how'd he get
               mutilated?
                           SHEILA
               You can be sure that Bob had
               his hand in it.
                           STEVE
               Bob wouldn't mutilate a dead
               body.
                            SHEILA
               You're right. Live ones are
               more his style. Maybe he
               didn't intend on mutilating
               it. But I bet he had some
               scheme going that ended up
               getting it mutilated.
                           STEVE
               What kind of scheme could
               cause this?
(Nancy comes stumbling out of the bedroom)
                           NANCY
               Which way to the head?
                           STEVE
               It's back on the table.
                             NANCY
               What?
                           YOLANDA
               I think she wants the lady's
               room.
                           STEVE
               Oh, over there.
(Nancy goes into the other room)
                           SHEILA
               That explains it.
                           STEVE
               Explains what?
                           SHEILA
               What happened to the body. He
               probably was trying to impress
               her--rolled the body out into
               the street and bingo.
                             STEVE
               Bingo what?
                             SHEILA
                There was a shoe outside the
                door when I came up. And the
                dirt in the roadway was all
                stirred up.

                Has Body got all his shoes?
(Steve looks)
                            STEVE
                No.
                            SHEILA
                Well there you go.
                            STEVE
                Where's that Bob?
(Steve goes into the other room that Nancy came out of)
                            SHEILA
                So what do you think?
                            YOLANDA
                I wouldn't throw him out of
                bed.
                            SHEILA
                Yeah, I know. I think that's
                what drew me to him. Why I
                can't bring myself to leave
                him.
                            YOLANDA
                Well I wouldn't leave him. I'd
                have that puppy eating out of
                my hand.
                            SHEILA
                Well I'm not like you. I never
                could bring myself to control
                a man.
                            YOLANDA
                Men are easy. You should get
                over it. Especially with that
                guy of yours. You start giving
                him orders and things will
                turn around right quick. He's
                the kind of guy who yearns for
                that. He just acts like the
               boss of you because he thinks
               that's what you expect of him.
                              SHEILA
               You think?
                           YOLANDA
               Sure. He yearns for you to
               control him. Try it out. When
               he comes back, give him an
               order. I bet he obeys. Just
               say it firmly and he'll do it.
               Tell him to put Bob on the
               catafalque.
                              SHEILA
               Ok.


FADE OUT:
LIGHTS UP:
(Steve and Bob are in the bedroom having a discussion)
                           STEVE
               So, smart guy. You wrecked the
               body.
                              BOB
               Who? Me?
                           STEVE
               You’re not seriously going to
               try to get out of this one?
                           BOB
               Ok, but what can I do? We were
               going to bring it down to
               Zaney’s place and have a
               little fun with him. After
               all, he does look like me.
                              STEVE
               That’s IT!
                              BOB
               That’s what?
                           STEVE
               He looks like you. You’ll be
               the body.
                           BOB
               Now wait a minute. You can’t
               expect me to die for you just
               to appease the bereaved?
                           STEVE
               Not die. Just lie there and
               impersonate the body. You do
               that often enough when you
               pass out drunk.
                           BOB
               Well, that’s easy to do when
               passed out drunk. But sober?
                           STEVE
               Who said you’re going to be
               sober?
                           BOB
               Oh yeah. Hey, I could do that.
               You buyin’?
                           STEVE
               It should probably be on you
               since you’re the cause. But
               like that’s going to happen.
               Sure, I’ll liquor you up for
               the occasion. Come, let’s see
               how you’ll look on the
               catafalque.
(they go into the parlor)
                           SHEILA
               Steve, put Bob on the
               catafalque.
                            STEVE
               Ok, Bob help me get the body
               off of here.
(Sheila looks on in amazement while Yolanda has a superior
look of satisfaction as the guys take the body off)
                           STEVE
               Ok, Bob, just hop right up
               there.
(Bob climbs on to the catafalque and lies in a pose with his
hands folded across his chest and his eyes closed)
                           SHEILA
               Perfect. Now if he could just
               stay that way our life
               together will be wonderful.
                           YOLANDA
               Now now. Only one guy to a
               customer. You can’t expect to
               order both of them around.
               Steve will get jealous.
FADE OUT:
LIGHTS RISE BACK UP:
(We are in the funeral parlor. Some guests mingle about
while others sit and talk. Bob is on display lying on the
catafalque. An elderly couple stands before Bob gazing at
him.)
                           MARTHA
               He looks so peaceful.
                           MAN 1
               And so life like. I’ve never
               seen Al looking so satisfied.
               Maybe the other side isn’t so
               bad after all.
                           MARTHA
               Yes, dear. It won’t be such a
               bad thing. And we’ll have each
               other.
                           MAN 1
               Well now don’t expect me to
               rush and catch up to you if
               you go first.
                           MARTHA
               Yes, I saw you eyeing that
               Yolanda.
                           MAN 1
               Don’t be absurd. She’s half my
               age.
(a man wanders over to the catafalque)
                           MAN 2
               My my, doesn’t he look life
               like.
(Steve wanders near)
                           MAN 2
               Young man? Aren’t you the new
               director
(Steve comes over to the three of them)
                           STEVE
               Why yes. Is everything all
               right?
                           MAN 2
               Yes, I was just remarking to
               them how life like he is. How
               do you do it? Al never had his
               customers looking so life
               like.
                           MAN 1
               Yes, I was remarking the very
               same thing here to Martha. How
               do you do it?


                            STEVE
               Well, I…
(just then Bob rises up)
                           BOB
               I must have really tied on a
               good one this time. Where’s
               the head?
(Bob stumbles off the catafalque. Guests look on in horror
and an uproar of guests’ voices remark on their horror or
outrage)
(Man 1 and Man 2 and Martha look toward Steve questioningly.
Steve raises up his hands and shakes his head and mouths “I
don’t know” as if he is baffled.)
FADE OUT:
                           THE END

				
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