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Series 1 Episode 2 subtitles script

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Series 1 Episode 2 subtitles script Powered By Docstoc
					The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson


                                      Episode 2 Subtitle Script

           ONE SHOW – MISC INTRO (6)

                 ADRIAN
                 Coming up on “The One Show’, organ donation, should we really have to
                 wait until they’re dead?

                 CHRISTINE
                 And Dominic Littlewood will be in Newcastle meeting a man who has
                 built his very own Holly Willoughby out of cheese straws.

                 ADRIAN
                 But first this…

           RAY MEARS – GUJU FISH

                 RAY MEARS DIDGERIDOO STING

                 RAY MEARS
                 It’s an irony that pain and pleasure often GO hand in hand. That’s
                 certainly tru of the Guju fish here in Japan. It’s one of the most delicate,
                 delicious tastes that can be found in the wild and yet the organs carry a
                 poison which can paralyse in seconds.

                 VOICE FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA
                 No, the poison’s in the flesh.

                 RAY MEARS
                 Hot gig I shay?

           MICHAEL McINTYRE QUICKIE B

                 MICHAEL
                 Why do I always say I will have a cup of tea when I will have it in a mug? But I
                 will still say I am going to have a cup of tea. I mean, what’s going on there?




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           THE MAN WHO WAS BORN WITH A TAIL PART 1

                 SYMPATHETIC FEMALE VOICE OVER
                 Tonight in the latest of our sensitive, sympathetic documentaries we tell
                 the harrowing story of “The man who was born with a tail”.
                 Simon works in television. In an industry obsessed with how people look,
                 he finds it hard to come to terms with his unusual growth.

                 COWELL
                 I mean, it’s not like it’s a cool monkey’s tail so I can grab things and hold
                 on to stuff. It’s always getting caught in limo doors.

                 You are a total disgrace, total embarrassment. Get out of my sight.

                 VOICE OVER
                 Simon has to wear special high trousers to hide the tail.

                 AMANDA HOLDEN
                 At first we thought – ‘He looks ridiculous with his trousers up there,
                 around his nipples’, but then I caught a glimpse of him in the shower.
                 God that thing's weird. And he’s got a tail as well.

           NOEL EDMONDS AD (1)

                 NOEL
                 Men. Have i got shirts for you! The new noel edmonds range of
                 distinctive men’s shirts…for men.

                 MALE VOICEOVER:
                 This blouse. Only nineteen ninety-nine.

                 NOEL
                 no. Shirt. It’s a shirt.
                 The Noel Edmonds’ men’s shirt.

                 MALE VOICEOVER
                 Ladies blouse. Twenty-four ninety-nine.

                 NOEL
                 Man’s Shirt. They’re shirts, for men.

                 MALE VOICEOVER
                 Noel Edmonds’ Blouse Sale!

                 NOEL
                 Shirt sale! The SAS wear shirts like this!

                 MALE VOICEOVER
                 Blouses like this. Big girl’s blouses.



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                 NOEL
                 They’re shirts! They’re shirts! They’re shirts!

                 MALE VOICEOVER
                 Noel Edmonds’ House of Blouses -

                 NOEL
                 Shirts!
                 Are you man enough?

           AUTUMNWATCH - HEDGEHOG
              AUTUMNWATCH TITLES

                 KATE
                 Hi and welcome to All New Autumnwatch with me, Kate Humble and my
                 brand new co-presenter, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

                 HUGH
                 Hi there!

                 KATE
                 Today we’re going to be filming that secretive little chap, the garden
                 hedgehog. It’s very exciting. What do they get up to at night? What do
                 they eat?

                 HUGH
                 And just how much do they liven up a children’s party?
                 Tuck in.

           MICHAEL McINTYRE QUICKIE A

                 I mean when does a snack become a meal? It’s this unquantifiable thing. I
                 mean, is it down to the use of cutlery? If I were to eat my bag of Wotsits with a
                 knife and fork would that be a meal?




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           ANTIQUES ROADSHOW - FIONA BRUCE 2

                 ANTIQUES ROADSHOW THEME

                 FIONA BRUCE
                 Graham. This really is beautiful, definitely my favourite thing we’ve seen
                 today. Thanks for bringing it along. Were you surprised at the
                 valuation?

                 PUNTER GRAHAM
                 Well, of course I was pleased, but it’s more the sentimental value.

                 FIONA BRUCE
                 Really? What was it worth again?

                 EXPERT
                 Two and a half thousand pounds at auction.

                 FIONA BRUCE
                 Well, that’s all we’ve got time for here in Kircudbright. It’s been quite a
                 day.

                 There was that cupboard that might fetch a grand and some blue stuff
                 worth a couple of hundred, but star of the show was undoubtedly –

                 Ooh! A helicopter!

                 Good bye!

                 What?

                 ANTIQUES ROAD SHOW THEME

           EAMONN HOLMES 3 – BANJOS

                 EAMONN
                 All of that coming up later, don’t go anywhere.

                 FLOOR MANAGER
                 Ok. We’re back from the ads in ninety-two seconds.

                 EAMONN
                 Hello. Hello there. Fancy seeing you here.

                 FLOOR MANAGER
                 Now er Eamonn, you did have a big breakfast, like I asked you, didn’t
                 you?

                 EAMONN
                 Oh, yes, I did. A very big breakfast there.


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                 FLOOR MANAGER
                 Because it’s a long set up, this shot – we’re closing the show with a big
                 number from the British Banjo Orchestra. There’s forty-eight of them,
                 so….

                 EAMONN
                 Oh well, I’ve had plenty to eat. Full up, so I am.

                 FLOOR MANAGER
                 And I don’t want you sneaking off to their dressing room and eating their
                 sandwiches, OK?

                 EAMONN
                 No, no, no, I couldn’t eat another thing. Not after all those lollipops.

                 FLOOR MANAGER
                 Lollipops?

                 EAMONN
                 Ay, those forty-eight big lollipops backstage. Little bit stringy so they
                 were. But nice and filling all the same..

                 BELCH WITH TWANG SOUND

           THE MAN WHO WAS BORN WITH A TAIL PART 2

                 VOICE OVER
                 As well as a tail, Simon was born with horns.

                 COWELL (OOV)
                 At school I was horribly teased and bullied. "Look Simon's got the horn",
                 "feeling horny Simon?!" etc.

                 COWELL
                 That was when I decided to spend the rest of my life taking it out on
                 other people. The horns, they’re not too bad, there are ways of dealing
                 with those.

                 But the tail – that can really get me down.

                 DANNII MINOGUE
                 Simon’s such a dag – he came to me with his tail between his legs, like
                 literally, and said he just wanted to get rid of it. So I gave him the number
                 of my… of a, plastic surgeon

                 VOICE OVER
                 In October last year, Simon checked in to this executive clinic.




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                 DOCTOR
                 I’m afraid the surgical procedure hasn’t worked, Mr. Cowell. The tail just
                 grew back again.

                 COWELL
                 Well I can see that!

                 You know the worst person who’s ever been on Britain’s Got Talent?
                 The very worst? Apart from Piers Morgan obviously. The really sad one
                 who makes balloon dogs that don’t look like dogs. Or balloons. Well
                 he’s still got more talent that you... in his little finger.

                 Do you do man boobs?

                 VOICE –OVER
                 Simon is finally starting to come to terms with his freakish appendage.

                 COWELL
                 You know it could be worse. I think it’s important to remember there are
                 always going to be people more unfortunate than me. Which is why I do
                 ‘Britain’s Got Talent’... and why I hang around with Louis Walsh.

           ONE SHOW – MISC INTRO (10)

                 ADRIAN
                 Hello, this is ‘The One Show’. Tonight we discover this years top ten
                 holiday destinations for people called Eric.

                 CHRISTINE
                 And Clare Balding travels to Cornwall to sample some traditional Cornish
                 distrust of strangers.

                 ADRIAN
                 But first this…




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           GOK WAN IS STRAIGHT – BACK TO WORK

                 GOK
                 So Brenda, a little bird tells me that you’ve had a few years off to have your
                 babies and now you’re worried about going back because you think you
                 look dumpy.

                 BRENDA
                 That’s right.

                 GOK
                 Hand?

                 GOK
                 That’s for being a silly. In fact, no, turn round…

                 Naughty. Naughty. Oh give me some of that.

                 BRENDA
                 Pardon.

                 GOK
                 That skirt has got to go! Now I would say that your body shape is an apple.

                 BRENDA
                 Really?

                 GOK
                 Yeah. A big, juicy apple that you could sink your teeth into right down to the
                 pips.

                 BRENDA
                 Oh… hmm….

                 GOK
                 Let’s go shopping girlfriend!

                 GOK
                 Oh my God! What is this vision I see before me! Give your Auntie Gok a
                 twirl.

                 Oh yes please.

                 BRENDA
                 Do you like it?

                 GOK
                 Like it? I love it!




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                 And can you see how it’s actually slimming to wear tighter clothes because
                 people can see you’ve got a waist? Leaving nothing to the imagination.

                 Grrrrrr….

                 BRENDA
                 Did you just growl?

                 GOK
                 And I’ve gone for a pattern on the boob which focuses all attention up on
                 the bust, and away from your pear shape.

                 BRENDA
                 I thought you said I was an apple shape?

                 GOK
                 What does it matter? It’s all fruit. Phworr…

                 BRENDA
                 Gok, are you sure you’re not straight… ?

                 GOK
                 Straight? No way, girlfriend! I’ve got all the box sets of Ugly Betty! Now get
                 back in that cubicle, you’re going to look fierce girlfriend in this next outfit.

                 What I wouldn’t do for a go on that.

                 Now this is pushing all my buttons!

                 BRENDA
                 I don’t think it’s appropriate.

                 GOK
                 What are you saying?! I love it!

                 And I mean really love it.

                 BRENDA
                 But I work in a housing benefits office.

                 GOK
                 Just a minute young lady. Who’s the fashion stylist with fifteen years
                 experience?

                 BRENDA
                 You, Gok.

                 GOK
                 And who’s the housewife with low self esteem looking for a confidence
                 boost?


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                 BRENDA
                 Me, Gok.

                 GOK
                 That’s right. Now pretend you’re cleaning … something really dirty…

           AT HOME WITH THE MINOGUES 2

                 DANNII
                 Nah – it’s all right Kyles – It’s not a spot on your bum, it’s just a freckle.

                 KYLIE
                 Phew – I thought I was going to have to make a big old insurance claim.

                 DAGGY
                 Hey sisters, I need your advice.

                 DANNII
                 I told you before Daggy, nothing short of a blowtorch and a bottle of
                 sulphuric acid will sort your spots out.

                 DAGGY
                 Nah ya mimsy, I want some career advice. While I’m over here in Britain, I
                 want to get in on this successful pop star singing lark like you two.

                 DAGGY
                 Alright, like Kylie.

                 I want to be on the X Factor. And Dannii, you can help me.

                 DANNII
                 No worries, I reckon I could fix it for you…

                 DAGGY
                 Great!

                 DANNII
                 To clean out the toilets.

                 DAGGY
                 No! I want to go on the show, Dannii - and you being a judge an all, you
                 can fix it for me with the fat bloke.

                 DANNII
                 Simon? No chance! Anyway what would you do?

                 DAGGY
                 The National Anthem



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                 DANNII
                 But your singing sounds like a Kookaburra with a cold being chewed by a
                 croc.

                 DAGGY
                 I ain’t going to sing it you flaming galah – I’m gonna burp it out me
                 didgeridoo.

                 KYLIE
                 That is so patriotic.

           THE APPRENTICE - GOLDFISH

                 ALAN SUGAR
                 I’m not impressed. I mean this task couldn’t have been any simpler really
                 could it? I mean all you had to do was remember one simple thing.

                 You’re fired.

           MICHAEL McINTYRE QUICKIE 2

                 MICHAEL
                 Why is it that the nutritionists always say you should eat three square meals a
                 day? Three square meals a day? I'm not even sure what a 'square meal' is!
                 ...For the past six years I've been living off a diet of potato waffles, sugar cubes
                 and after eight mints.

           DAVINA AND CLAUDIA – HIGH STREET

                 CLAUDIA
                 Davina, Hiii!

                 DAVINA
                 Claudia, Hiiiii!

                 CLAUDIA
                 Kiss kiss!

                 BOTH
                 Mwah! Mwah!

                 CLAUDIA
                 Brilliant!

                 DAVINA
                 Utterly brilliant!!!

                 CLAUDIA
                 Have you got time for a coffee?



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                 DAVINA
                 Coffee. Yes! Yes!

                 CLAUDIA
                 Where do you want to go? Cafe nero, coffee republic, starbucks,??

                 DAVINA
                 Er... Don’t know! Don’t know! The choice! woah

                 CLAUDIA
                 Woah, woah , woah , woah , woah , woah , woah , woah, nearest? The
                 nearest!

                 DAVINA
                 Utterly brilliant!!

                 CLAUDIA
                 Brilliant!!

                 ASSISTANT
                 So what’ll it be, ladies? Latte, mocha, espresso, cappucino, frappucino,
                 Americano...

                 CLAUDIA
                 Woah, woah , woah , woah , woah , woah , woah

                 ASSISTANT
                 To be honest I’m not sure you really need any coffee.

           ASHES TO MIDSOMER MURDERS

                 LADY 1
                 Cake, dear?

                 I say, cake dear?

                 LADY 2
                 Sorry dear I was miles away.

                 LADY 1
                 Penny for them.

                 LADY 2
                 I was just thinking I hope we don’t have another terrible Mysterious and
                 Bloody Cricket Pitch Murder today. What with Detective Inspector
                 Barnaby departing the village and leaving us without a tolerant, fair,
                 genial yet firm policeman.




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                 GENE HUNT
                 Hunt to control, come on you bloody half wits, whre’s my chuffing back
                 up?

                 Pour us a cup of that tea love, my throat’s drier than a tramp’s bathrobe.

                 LADY 2
                 And you are..?

                 GENE HUNT
                 DCI Gene Hunt. Replacement for Bergerac or whatever his name was.
                 Here to investigate the Mysterious and Bloody Cricket Pitch Murders.

                 LADY 1
                 If you don’t mind my saying so Mr Hunt, you’re dressed very oddly for a
                 quaint English village like this is. Where are you from?

                 GENE HUNT
                 Too complex for your pretty little face love. All you need to know is that I
                 need a cup of tea, milk, two whiskies. Off you trot. Now about these
                 Mysterious and Bloody…

                 LADY 2
                 … Cricket Pitch Murders - yes it really is very odd. They’ve been going
                 on for some time now and yet still seemingly there are no clues at all as
                 to who the murderer might be.

                 GENE HUNT
                 Oi.

                 Oi. I’m talking you to you, you white trousered ponce. Is that blood?

                 LADY 2
                 We asked Torquil here that very same question the last time there was a
                 Mysterious and Bloody Cricket Pitch Murder but he assured us it’s just a
                 bit of red where he’d rubbed the cricket ball.

                 GENE HUNT
                 Who asked you marzipan knickers? You – washing powder window test
                 – answer my question. Have you been killing all the local cricketers?

                 CRICKETER
                 Me officer? I haven’t killed anyone.

                 GENE HUNT
                 Give it up son. You’re bleedin’ nicked.

                 CRICKETER




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                 I don’t think so DCI Hunt! This is a pretty Midsomer village full of posh
                 people and dinner parties and I won’t stop until I’ve killed every amateur
                 cricketer here.

                 GENE HUNT
                 Oh yeh?

                 CLICK

                 GENE HUNT
                 Oh dear.

                 CRICKETER
                 Nice try Inspector. But I’ve taken the trouble to fill your gun with cake.

                 GENE HUNT
                 I went to the trouble of filling your cake with bullets.

                 CRICKETER
                 Cough, cough.

                 LADY 1
                 Oh Mr Hunt. Is there anything we can do to repay you?

                 GENE HUNT
                 Oh I should think so. Is there anyone here under fifty in need of some
                 good old fashioned copper lovin’?

                 Sixty?

                 Sixty-five?

                 Fair enough, get in the back of the Quattro you pair of minxes.

           ONE SHOW – MISC INTRO (7)

                 ADRIAN
                 Welcome back to ‘The One Show’. Coming up, we discover whether the
                 light in the fridge really does go off when you shut the door.

                 CHRISTINE
                 And Phil Tufnell will be meeting the Kent family who’ve slashed their
                 energy bills by over 99% by simply refusing to pay them.

                 ADRIAN
                 But first this…




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           AT HOME WITH THE MINOGUES 3 - CALLBACK

                 BURPING THE TUNE OF WALTZING MATILDA

                 SIMON
                 Um, Ok, look…Daggy, that was awful….. ly good.

                 You know I loved that almost as much as I love the sound of my own
                 voice.

                 DAGGY
                 Oh, hey, thanks fat bloke I’m made up.

                 DANNI
                 You’ve got to be kidding Simon

                 DAGGY
                 Aw, you’re just jealous you drongo.

                 DANNII
                 That’s a no from me. Definitely a NO!

                 SIMON
                 Ok look ladies, see if we can calm this down for a moment. You’ve got a
                 rawness about you I think could be special. Daggy, burping through a
                 didgeridoo is the future. You’re going to be huge my love.

                 DANNII
                 Going to be?

                 DAGGY
                 Any ways fat bloke I don’t just burp through me didgeridoo

                 SOUND OF FARTS TO THE TUNE OF WALTZING MATILDA

                 KYLIE
                 That is soooo patriotic.




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           G-BROWN RAP VIDEO

                 GORDON BROWN
                 (SPOKEN INTRO)
                 I’m still here.

                 BACKING SINGERS
                 G-Brown… G- Brown…

                 GORDON BROWN
                 Oh yes. That’s substantially correct.
                 This goes out to all the haters
                 The people who said I was a liability to the party
                 The playas who said my fiscal policies sowed the seeds of the current
                 global financial crisis
                 To them I say, simply this…

                 (RAPS) I’m the Rhyme Minister
                 The big G-Brown
                 And I was wrecking on the mic
                 When the banks went down

                 On the left of me that’s Probity
                 And Prudence on the right

                 They’re my bankers and they thanked me
                 Cause my touch was light

                 Rolling fat notes off my clip
                 Spending taxes like water
                 No tomorrow, so I borrow
                 Each financial quarter

                 Remember all the good times?
                 Yes, you couldn’t forget it

                 It went ‘BOOM!’ before the crunch
                 And I will take the credit

                 (CHORUS) ‘Cause I’m Brown like that
                 I’m Brown like that
                 Now no-one knew house prices would go down like that

                 I’m Brown like that
                 I’m Brown like that
                 To the boom, to the bust, to the bridge
                 Ya get me?

                 You said I’s all blown out?
                 I weathered financial storms


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                 With an interim package of financial reforms

                 The banks got toasts and compliments
                 For gross incompetence
                 Yo!
                 Collapse the beat just like market confidence

                 These playas fiddle their expenses
                 I’m a safe pair of hands
                 I’ll get your vote, I got no moat
                 Cos I’m a son of a manse

                 Vince Cable? He’s not able
                 To chair the G20 table
                 You gotta trust your G-Dog
                 To keep the markets stable

                 (CHORUS) ‘Cause I’m Brown like that
                 I’m Brown like that
                 I’ll tax you fifty pee in every pound like that

                 I’m Brown like that
                 I’m Brown like that
                 To the left, to the right, to the honourable gentleman I say this

                 (SPOKEN) These ladies are more than window dressing… you get me?

                 When I spent like I planned
                 Ain’t a tax penny left
                 I’ll go cap in my hand
                 To the I to the M to the F

                 I got an ace in the hole?
                 Hey, my reserves are glistening

                 I say talk to the gold,
                 Cos the brown ain’t listening…

                 (CHORUS) ‘Cause I’m Brown like that
                 I’m Brown like that
                 My financial regulation’s quite unsound like that

                 ‘Cause I’m Brown like that
                 I’m Brown like that
                 I do that thingy with my mouth and then I frown like that

                 I’m Brown like that
                 I’m Brown like that
                 To the right, to the left, to the all important centre ground of politics.



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                 (SPOKEN) Check me, balance me, I’m out of here…
                 Because that is the right thing to do.

           THE APPRENTICE QUICKIE 8 – JACK IN A BOX

                 SIR ALAN
                 No, no. Credit where credit’s due. I thought I had the measure of you –
                 but, I have got to say, in this week’s task you really surprised me.

                 Got me again! Did he get you, Margaret ?

           ROONEY – DOG PART 1
              COLEEN
              So erm this is ‘day one’ on our erm reality show: “Loochhh, it’s Wayne
              and Chhholleen”. I’ve just been erm shopping and stuff. Just got a
              chhhouple of bags worth. Oh and that lot as well.

                 This is our hallway. Isn’t it lovely. We’ve just had the whole place done
                 up cause O.Khhhay are doing a shoot on Wednesday. And Thursday
                 and Friday. And Saturday and Sunday. They’re not here on Monday.
                 That’s when Hello start. Excuse me, I’ve left Wayne in the kitchen.

                 Wayne? Oh no. Don’t tell me he got out.

                 Wayne!!!!!!!

                 Wayne!
                 Oh, Wayne, drop it, drop it, bad boy
                 Did you do this?

                 Right! That’s it. Chhhhome on. In your basket!

                 I know it seems chhhhruel but, he’s got to learn.

                 And you stay there……good boy

                 WAYNE
                 Grrrrrrrr

                 COLEEN
                 Wayne!




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           NOEL EDMONDS AD 3

                 NOEL
                 Businessmen, if you want to look like the man in charge, you need a
                 shirt that talks the talk.

                 MALE VOICEOVER
                 Noel Edmonds’ Powerblouse.

                 NOEL
                 Shirt. Professional workshirt.

                 MALE VOICEOVER
                 Blouse.

                 NOEL
                 A man-about-town shirt that shows you mean business.

                 MALE VOICEOVER
                 Sexy, low cut blouse.

                 NOEL
                 Order now and get this masculine business wallet.

                 Free!

                 MALE VOICEOVER
                 Noel Edmonds’ House of Big Girls’ Blouses

                 NOEL


           ONE SHOW – MISC INTRO (11)

                 ADRIAN
                 Coming up later, we meet the teacher who took a class full of delinquent
                 underachievers to France…and left them there.

                 CHRISTINE
                 While John Sergeant will be in Greece…with seven performances
                 weekday evenings, plus a matinee show on Wednesdays.

                 ADRIAN
                 But first this…




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           THE WIRELESS

                 V/O
                 Coming to the BBC this Winter. A Cop show like no other.

                 VOICE OVER
                 The Wireless.

                 TERRY
                 So old Uncle Tel’s caught you in possession of a little of the old ‘strong
                 stuff’? And by that I don’t mean any of the current Mrs. Wogan’s ‘double
                 espresso’. Although hey that should also probably be made illegal.

                 GANGSTER
                 Lawyer – I want my lawyer man!

                 TERRY
                 Okay – are we going to do this the easy way, or the easy-listening way?

                 PHIL COLLINS – “IN THE AIR TONIGHT”

                 Right, so if Old Tel can’t charm the truth out of you – maybe his partner
                 can…

                 V/O
                 With Chris Evans.

                 CHRIS EVANS
                 Hello hello. What you having for your tea tonight? What you having? I’m
                 having beans on toast. Do you remember beans on toast? Weren’t they
                 great?

                 GANGSTER
                 He ain’t no Police neither!

                 CHRIS EVANS
                 And space hoppers? I loved space hoppers. What about Spangles?
                 Brilliant. Hey, have you ever noticed how people ressemble their dogs.
                 (UNDER V/O FROM HERE). Not their cats though – that would be mad.
                 Unless they’ve got whiskers. Like my gran. Sorry nan! What ever
                 happened to ‘Whizzer and Chips’? Cheese footballs! Chopper bikes!
                 Stylophones!

                 V/O
                 ‘The Wireless’. Coming soon.

                 GANGSTER
                 Dis is Police brutality. My ears is bleedin’. True dat!




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           MICHAEL McINTYRE QUICKIE 13

                 MICHAEL
                 Why do builders always suck air in through their teeth before they give you a
                 quote? (HE DOES IT) ...Have they got a special bullshit gland that requires
                 constant cooling?

           ROONEY – DOG PART 2

                 COLEEN
                 We love going for walkhhhs in the parkhhh. It’s like erm ‘us time’ when
                 we can really forget all about our busy celebrity lives.

                 WAYNE WHINES.

                 COLEEN
                 OK, go on.

                 WAYNE (LIKE BARKING)
                 Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
                 Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!

                 COLEEN
                 Wayne loves the parkhhh… and puddles… and digging holes… and
                 lickhhhing his own - oh excuse me. I think he’s doing his business.

                 COLEEN
                 So I guess that’s a pretty normal day for us…

                 Now we’re just going to have a nice quiet evening in watching telly… and
                 later on ‘someone’ might be having a B.A.T.H. Oh no…

                 He’s got worms again

           ANTIQUES ROADSHOW - FIONA BRUCE 4

                 EXPERT
                 It’s a very attractive piece, and in fine working condition. Probably Swiss
                 or High German. Have you any idea of its value?

                 PUNTER LEWIS
                 We’ve got it insured for a couple of hundred pounds.

                 EXPERT
                 Right, well, I’d get on to the insurance company when you get home…

                 Something like this – in the right auction – could reach anything up to ten
                 times that amount.




                                                                                Page 20 of 23
The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson


                 PUNTER LEWIS
                 Gosh. I mean... well, how about that? You think you’ve got something
                 worth a couple of hundred...

                 PUNTER LEWIS
                 ...and it’s more like a couple of thousand...

                 ….Is that what I think it is?

                 EXPERT
                 Er… I think that might be... one of my colleagues...

                 FIONA
                 Yes?

           ROSS KEMP ON GANGS - BROWNIES

                 ROSS KEMP
                 It’s accepted that the average age of gang members worldwide has dropped
                 significantly in the last few years. Even so it comes as a shock to discover that
                 there is a violent, criminal gang operating today, in Britain, with an average
                 age… of less that 6. I’ve come to Royal Leamington Spa to meet the gang
                 known on the street as the Brownies.

                 … and I don’t mind telling you, I’m bricking it.

                 ROSS KEMP ON GANGS STING

                 ROSS KEMP (V/O)
                 A couple of years ago, when I met the child soldiers of central Africa, I felt I’d
                 witnessed the lowest and most shameful form of gang culture. I was wrong.
                 Because not only are this gang’s members young children – they are also all
                 girls.

                 ROSS KEMP
                 This is the gang’s crib, known in street parlance as ‘the Church Hall’. I guess
                 we just knock.

                 BROWNIE
                 Hello?


                 ROSS KEMP (V/O)
                 I could see things were about to kick off so I got out of there.

                 ROSS KEMP (V/O)
                 A week later and I am told it is safe for me to return. I am introduced to one of
                 the gang’s enforcers… known as a ‘Sixer’. Her name is Lulu and at the age of
                 7 she’s already been a gang member for 2 years.



                                                                                    Page 21 of 23
The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson


                 ROSS KEMP
                 Thank you for speaking with us. Perhaps you could tell us first about your
                 badges…

                 LULU (UNDER ROSS’ V/O)
                 This one’s my “collector” badge you can choose what you like to collect, I like
                 to collect coins. This one’s my “first aid” badge so I know what to do if
                 someone’s badly injured. And next month I’m taking my “first aid advanced”
                 badge.

                 ROSS KEMP (V/O)
                 Like the prison tattoos of the Eastern European Mafia, each badge carries a
                 record of the gang member’s achievements. Badges such as “Collector” and
                 “first aid” hint at extortion and violence…

                 ROSS KEMP
                 What’s this one for?

                 LULU
                 Needlework.

                 ROSS KEMP
                 Tell me, how did you get to the meet today?

                 LULU
                 My mum dropped me off.

                 ROSS KEMP (V/O)
                 Unbelievably many of the gang’s parents actually encourage their membership
                 as the cycle of violence passes down from generation to generation. When you
                 think about it – what chance have these kids got?

                 ROSS KEMP
                 (QUIETLY TO CAMERA)
                 That’s their street sign.

                 BROWNIES
                 (UNDER)
                 I promise that I will do my best
                 To love my God,

                 ROSS KEMP (V/O)
                 I am about to learn the most shocking thing of all about this gang…

                 BROWNIES
                 (UNDER)
                 To serve the Queen and my country…

                 ROSS KEMP (V/O)
                 I could see things were about to kick off so I got out of there.


                                                                                    Page 22 of 23
The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson




                 ROSS KEMP
                 I had no idea the tentacles of this gang had reached so far. Unbelievably it
                 turns out The Queen herself is the gang boss! It’s staggering to think how much
                 power this gang must be wielding in our society.

                 LULU (OOV)
                 You left this.

           CBEEBIES BEDTIME – CHERYL COLE

                 CHERYL
                 …Just then the Fairy Godmother magically appeared.

                 “You will go to the handsome footballer’s party” she said to the poor
                 Geordie girl and with one flash of her wand she turned the girl’s tatty
                 shoes into glass slippers, and her rags into an outifit which was pretty
                 much see-through as well.

                 Then she turned a pumpkin into a huge pink coach with shiny gold
                 fixings.

                 “Wow,” exclaimed the Geordie girl “That’s so tacky it’s like I’m a
                 footballer’s wife already.”

                 The Fairy Godmother told her to enjoy the footballer’s party, but take a
                 pepper spray along just in case and be sure to return before midnight as
                 then her handsome footballer would turn into a rat.

                 And they both lived a tabloid exclusive ever after. Night Night.




                                                                                Page 23 of 23

				
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