Carroll Chapter 07.Love _ Intimacy

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					Chapter Seven

  Love & Intimacy

 Review Theories of Love
 Discuss Connection Between Love & Sex in
  Intimate Relationships
               Class Exercise:
          Stereotypes and Intimacy
 We will view a video clip from the movie
  “What Women Want”
 What are the stereotypes associated with
  men/masculinity and women/femininity.
 How do these stereotypes influence
Cultural Definitions of Love
     The Forms and Origin of Love

 Romantic love – passionate love that includes
  sexual desire, physical attraction, and elation
   We tend to idealize our romantic partner
 Companionate love (conjugal love) – deep
  affection, attachment, intimacy, trust, loyalty
Conceptualizations of Love

        Colors of Love (Lee)
     Love Triangles (Sternberg)
      Can We Measure Love?
Colors of Love

 (Lee, 1974, 1998)
               Colors of Love

 Based on research
 Six basic ways (“colors”) to love
 Love styles are independent
 Lovers with compatible love styles will be
  happier with each other than incompatible
        Six Contemporary Love Styles
       (based on the work of Lee, 1973)
 Eros (sounds like "air-ohs"): "characterized by
  intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual
  feelings or desires" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p.
  92). Sustained relationships are typified by
  "continued active interest in sexual and emotional
  fulfillment, plus the development of intellectual
  rapport" Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92;
  emphasis added).
 Storge (sounds like "store-gay"): "an affectionate,
  companionate style of loving. This love focuses on
  deepening mutual commitment, respect, and
  friendship over time" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991,
  p. 92).
                                             Continued …
                     Love Styles

 Pragma: "emphasizes the practical element in
  human relationships, particularly in marriages.
  Pragmatics love involves rational assessment of a
  potential partner's assets and liabilities" (Lamanna &
  Riedmann, 1991, p. 92).
 Agape: altruistic love. It "emphasizes unselfish
  concern for the beloved's needs even when that
  means some personal sacrifice. . . . [it also]
  emphasizes nurturing others with little conscious
  desire for return other than the intrinsic satisfaction of
  having loved and cared for someone else" (Lamanna
  & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92-93).

                                                Continued …
                Love Styles

 Ludus (sounds like "lewd-us"): emphasizes
  the recreational aspect of sexuality and
  sensual pleasures. It may be part of a more
  committed relationship based on other loves
  styles, too.
 Mania: based on strong sexual attraction and
  emotional intensity, but a manic partner is
  extremely jealous, moody, and her/his need
  for attention is insatiable.
              Colors of Love

 Manic and ludic – poorer psychological health
 Storge and eros – higher psychological health
 Gender Differences:
  Men – more socially acceptable to have
    eros or ludus styles; less to have agape;
    more likely to have ludic style
  Women – more socially acceptable to have
    agape; less to have ludus; more likely to
    have pragmatic style
Love “Triangles”

 (Sternberg, 1998, 1999)
              Love Triangles

 Love is three elements that can be combined
  to produce 7 different types of love
 Three basic elements:
   Passion – sexual desire and physical
     attraction; part of romantic love
   Intimacy – connection and feelings of
     closeness; an emotional investment
   Commitment – to love in the short term; to
     maintain that love in the long term
Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999)

 Love changes as we mature
 Different forms of love may be experienced
  within the same couple throughout time
Can We Measure Love?
        Can We Measure Love?

 Scales have been developed to measure love
   Measure something strongly associated
    with love
     Attachment (Rubin, 1970, 1973)
   Measure aspects of relationships
     Relationship Rating Scale
     Passionate Love Scale
 Most scales measure romantic, not
  companionate, love
 Theories of Love

Behavioral Reinforcement Theories
       Cognitive Theories
  Physiological Arousal Theories
      Evolutionary Theories
               Class Exercise

 Is love essential for emotional survival?
 What are the characteristics of a truly loving
 How do you recognize love?
 Is it possible to love more than one person in
  a lifetime? More than one person at a time?
  Behavioral Reinforcement Theories

 We love because another person reinforces
  positive feelings in ourselves
 Positive/rewarding feeling in the presence of
  another makes us like them, even if the
  reward is unrelated to that person
 Love is a result of many mutually reinforcing
  activities with a person
            Cognitive Theories

 A behavior occurs, and then we interpret it as
 If we think someone likes us, we are more
  prone to find them attractive
    Physiological Arousal Theories

 Physiological arousal is labeled with an
  emotion, such as love
 We are more likely to experience love when
  we are physiologically aroused for any reason
 Shaky bridge study (Dutton & Aron, 1974)
   Male participants on a “scary” bridge were
    more likely than males on a “safe” bridge to
    call a female they met on the bridge
 Arousal is not crucial for an emotional state
          Evolutionary Theories

 Humans have 3 basic instincts:
   Need for protection
   Parent protects the child
   Sexual drive
 We love in order to produce offspring
 Heterosexual men want healthy women to
  carry offspring
 Heterosexual women want men with
  resources to care for her and the offspring
Love Across the Lifespan

 Love becomes more complex as we

 Attachment to the caregiver can affect
  attachment throughout life
 The love of mother and father are important
 May be harder to be intimate with another as
  an adult if it was not experienced as a child
 Three attachment types:
   Secure – accepts caregiver leaving
   Anxious/ambivalent – panic if left alone
   Avoidant – caregiver forces parting early

 Parental divorce is related to lower levels of
  trust a young adult (particularly female)
  experiences in intimate relationships

 Time to learn how to love, manage emotions
 Creates a foundation for adult relationships
 Role repertoire – varied ways to relate with
 Intimacy repertoire – collection of behaviors
  used to create intimate relationships in life
 Usually begin with an unattainable crush;
  romantic love more likely if parents’
  relationship is stable, at ease with own body
        Adult Love and Intimacy

 Factors that increase attraction
   Proximity – people you know or see often
   Similarity – background, values, attitudes
   Physical Attraction – “matching hypothesis”
   Personality – openness, sociability, humor
   Economic Resources – especially in men
   Mutual Attraction and Love
 Ideal qualities are consistent across gender,
  culture, and sexual orientation
     Attraction in Different Cultures

 Study comparing 37 cultures (Buss, 1989)
 Men valued “good looks” in their partner
 Women valued “good financial prospect” in
  their partner
 Men preferred younger partners
 Women preferred older partners
Love, Sex, and Intimacy
          Intimate Relationships

 Self-disclosure is important
 Those who value intimacy tend to be more
  trusting, concerned for others, disclose more,
  have more positive thoughts about others,
  are perceived as more likable, smile, laugh,
  make more eye contact, and enjoy marriage
  Male and Female Styles of Intimacy

 Culturally transmitted gender roles may be
  the largest factor in affecting style of intimacy
 Men are inhibited from expressing intimacy,
  or maybe they just do it differently than
  women, such as through behavior
 Gay men are more likely to believe in the
  importance of sharing intimacy with a
  romantic partner than heterosexual men
      Intimacy in Different Cultures

 Culture seems to be more influential than
  gender in love and intimacy style
 Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures
 Strength of stereotypical gender roles affects
  level of intimacy; the stronger the stereotype,
  the less attached couples are
 Western countries rate love as highly
  important, less developed Asian countries
  rated love the lowest
   Long-Term Love and Commitment

 Effort and commitment are required to
  maintain a relationship
 Women feel lonely in a marriage that has less
  liking, marital satisfaction, self-disclosure, and
 Men feel lonely in a marriage that has less
  intimacy, liking, and communication
                Love and Sex

 Initial attraction increases intimacy: more eye
  contact, more touches
 Body language reveals attraction, and the
  female typically starts
 Initially it is contact and conversation with
  bodies turned toward each other, followed by
  tentative touches that increase in duration
  and intimacy, then “full body synchronization”
 Higher sexual desire, less unfaithful thoughts
       Developing Intimacy Skills

 Self-love – being at ease with ourselves, both
  the positive and negative qualities
 Receptivity – shows others we are open to
  communication, approachable
 Listening – provide full attention
 Affection – warmth and security with others
 Trust – a requirement that develops slowly
 Respect – acknowledge and understand
  another’s needs; don’t have to share them
The Dark Side of Love

              Class Exercise

 A college couple who live together have been
  having increased arguments.
   One partner wants the other to grow up
     and act mature.
   In return, the other suggests that they need
     to have more fun in their relationship.
 What advice would you give them?
 What are the short- and long-term prospects
  for this couple?

 Interpretation and emotional reaction that a
  relationship is threatened
 Most jealous if the person we believe is
  threatening the relationship has qualities we
  want ourselves
 More common with low self-esteem

 Men more jealous of a female’s sexual
 Women more jealous of a male’s emotional
 Both genders more threatened by sexual
  infidelity in short-term relationships
 Both genders more threatened by emotional
  infidelity in long-term relationships

 Male heterosexuals more jealous of male-
  female sexual infidelity
 Heterosexual women more jealous of male-
  male sexual infidelity
 Much unknown about homosexual infidelity
 Jealousy is in all cultures, although the
  reasons may vary
 Jealousy shows a lack of trust & self-esteem

 Love releases phenylethylamine (also in
  chocolate), which produces feelings of
  euphoria and love addiction
 Society and media reinforces the “need” to be
  in love and may be carried over from
  adolescence without maturing

 Trying to manipulate the partner in attempts
  to feel worthy
 Is a sign of low self-esteem and can lead to
 May require help from a mental health

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