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TV 45 Big Brother. Why bother? Coach Big Brother Season 10? Sonali Samani is sceptical. and four William Grove gets taken for a ride S o, here we go again. Bitching, alliances, inflated egos and a healthy dose of ‘real- ity’ from an army of delusional fools who are left to suffer in their claustrophobic environment for our viewing pleasure. I could be talking about any number of reality TV shows, not least Big Brother, but I am referring, of course, to the much anticipated return of Chan- nel 4’s Coach Trip. But even Big Brother isn’t as exciting as Coach Trip. Oh no. Coach Trip is a stunning piece of televisual artwork. It skips across my television screen with the grace of a thousand ballet trained lambs. It is perfection. It isn’t a case of watching Coach Trip when it’s on TV every weekday at 5pm, it’s a case of being allowed to experience it. If you haven’t watched it yet, well, you just haven’t been called by the power of the Coach. Your time will come, though, don’t you fret. Basically, Coach Trip is a program about seven couples who travel around Europe on a coach. At the end of each day there is a vote and the couple with the highest amount of votes re- ceives a yellow card. If a couple receives two yellow cards, then they’re off the coach. It is lit- erally as simple as that, but it somehow makes for television gold. OK, so the contestants are hardly the most entertaining bunch in the world. An ex-dinner lady and a retired lorry driver are hardly going to hold the most riveting conversations with ‘partial vegetarians’ or ‘cheeky chaps’. But they have their own charm, and you end up rooting for your favourite teams to last the course. My favourites are Matt and Tom who, at the time of going to press, have lasted the entire trip. Amaz- ing. It would be odd, though, if Coach Trip’s ros- W ter was full of Big Brother’s plastic wannabes, hen Big Brother first started ten Since the launch, none of the contestants Bruno, he claims “I love about the UK every- where the ex-porn star and retired playboy years ago, it was groundbreaking have really held much of a spark for me. It seems thing,” and, my favourite line, “I think England bunny meet their part-human, part-octopus reality TV. It was our chance to like Big Brother is simply torturing innocent vic- is turning me gay!” His infectious enthusiasm counterparts. Coach Trip may lack Big Brother’s peek into the ways other people tims who are too stupid to realise how ridiculous has been great, and I’m sad that the show doesn’t freak factor, but that’s what makes it so endear- live, and the British public LOVED it. Follow- his tasks are, but instead of this creating sympa- seem to be focussing on him enough. ing. It so delightfully displays British ignorance ing people we loved, and those we loved to hate; thy most of them have completely alienated the This is probably because the cameras are far in all its glory that it’s hard not to fall for its through all the “relationships” and all the argu- voting public. Despite nine seasons, the contest- too busy stalking Sophie and Kris to find out ex- clunky charms. ments, even through the totally crazy charac- ants have still failed to realise that essentially, actly what is going on in their apparently ‘fake’ The daily vote is the apex of every day’s ters, the Big Brother house has, each year, held since they have entered a popularity contest, romance. Kris, who claims that he has “never events. The couples all seem to get along swim- the attention of millions. But it seems to me that making the public hate them is NOT what they charmed a girl in [his] life,” was the obvious can- mingly throughout the day but when the vote this year’s show has taken a serious turn for the should be aiming to do. didate for a Big Brother romance and it seemed comes along there are always a few people who worse, and all my favourite things about the The men (Kris, Siavash and Marcus) have most of the girls immediately wanted to try and shout at each other like they want to not only show have become downsides. Was the tenth been openly vain and sexist, while the girls take secure their lifeline in the house by having that chuck their opposing team off the coach but off series one too many? pleasure in boasting of their superficiality and ‘interesting’ romance for us to enjoy. After a a cliff for good measure. The vote created one of The launch show introduced a typical group bitchiness. Saffia admitted, “I really try not to brief moment when I thought Saffia would make my favorite reality-TV factions in recent years, of contestants, but the twist of their ‘non house- be bitchy but I can’t see good or nice things in it into the limelight, Kris showed he had a cou- the ‘Coach Mafia,’ which sounds at once power- mate’ status just didn’t thrill. I still don’t really anybody.” Luckily, she couldn’t see much good ple of extra brain cells by settling with glamour ful and incredibly lame. see how they can be called ‘non-housemates’ in the house, either, so she quit before she an- model Sophie. The happy couple do seem rather Why anyone would want to go on the coach, – having entered the house, they ARE house- noyed us all too much. fake, and it definitely looks like it’s more about let alone want to stay on it for five weeks, is be- mates. No matter how many times Davina said With quite a few already gone, I pay pass- popularity than any true feelings. yond me. Coaches are horrible things. The toi- ‘non housemates’ in an excited tone of voice, I ing tribute to American wannabe rapper Cairon We also have the typically stupid blondes. let always stinks out the rest of the vehicle, the just wasn’t impressed by this new idea. and lupus-sufferer Sophia, who in the launch The worst, Carly, claims that the similarity be- seats are uncomfortable and severely lack leg In the least popular launch show ever, the seemed like the most appealing contestants. tween the English and German language only room and by the time the coach trundles into its assorted weirdos and wannabes stood about After a few days, however, it became clear they emerged after World War II and has something destination you have all of five minutes to enjoy in a grim, empty house covered in giant insect were both annoying and arrogant and despite to do with the Nazis. Wow, Sophie (aka Dogface) the sights and sounds before you have to march wallpaper. I felt like they were as bored as I was. originally thinking he was the epitome of cool, will have to work hard to beat that level of idi- back on to get to your next destination. It’s a re- In fact, even Davina, who is usually deeply in- Cairon’s eviction was definitely a huge positive. ocy. lentless and ultimately pointless cycle. Do the terested in the lives of the housemates, sounds His bullying behaviour and condescending re- So, although the house does have most of coach trippers win anything? Apart from one completely flat this year. It seems like she isn’t marks had to go. the typical elements that have kept series going couple having a few extra days at the final des- convinced that the show is that thrilling, either. The only contestant who, despite being before, it seems boring and contrived. After ten tination, no. Is it worth it? No. Is it more enjoy- (As an aside, it is ridiculous to have BB without slightly annoying, seems to have much potential series, maybe this should be the end of the road able than watching another group of 14 people Dermot O’Leary. They definitely need to steal is bisexual Brazilian, Rodrigo. With a gorgeous for Big Brother. desperately grasping for fame on Big Brother? him back from the X-factor to up ratings again). smile and an accent like Sacha Baron Cohen’s You’d better believe it.
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