45 by hedongchenchen


									                                                                                                                                                                                              TV               45

Big Brother. Why bother? Coach
Big Brother Season 10? Sonali Samani is sceptical. and four
                                                                                                                                                                    William Grove gets
                                                                                                                                                                    taken for a ride

                                                                                                                                                                              o, here we go again. Bitching, alliances,
                                                                                                                                                                              inflated egos and a healthy dose of ‘real-
                                                                                                                                                                              ity’ from an army of delusional fools who
                                                                                                                                                                              are left to suffer in their claustrophobic
                                                                                                                                                                    environment for our viewing pleasure. I could be
                                                                                                                                                                    talking about any number of reality TV shows,
                                                                                                                                                                    not least Big Brother, but I am referring, of
                                                                                                                                                                    course, to the much anticipated return of Chan-
                                                                                                                                                                    nel 4’s Coach Trip. But even Big Brother isn’t as
                                                                                                                                                                    exciting as Coach Trip. Oh no.
                                                                                                                                                                         Coach Trip is a stunning piece of televisual
                                                                                                                                                                    artwork. It skips across my television screen
                                                                                                                                                                    with the grace of a thousand ballet trained
                                                                                                                                                                    lambs. It is perfection. It isn’t a case of watching
                                                                                                                                                                    Coach Trip when it’s on TV every weekday at
                                                                                                                                                                    5pm, it’s a case of being allowed to experience
                                                                                                                                                                    it. If you haven’t watched it yet, well, you just
                                                                                                                                                                    haven’t been called by the power of the Coach.
                                                                                                                                                                    Your time will come, though, don’t you fret.
                                                                                                                                                                    Basically, Coach Trip is a program about seven
                                                                                                                                                                    couples who travel around Europe on a coach.
                                                                                                                                                                    At the end of each day there is a vote and the
                                                                                                                                                                    couple with the highest amount of votes re-
                                                                                                                                                                    ceives a yellow card. If a couple receives two
                                                                                                                                                                    yellow cards, then they’re off the coach. It is lit-
                                                                                                                                                                    erally as simple as that, but it somehow makes
                                                                                                                                                                    for television gold.
                                                                                                                                                                         OK, so the contestants are hardly the most
                                                                                                                                                                    entertaining bunch in the world. An ex-dinner
                                                                                                                                                                    lady and a retired lorry driver are hardly going
                                                                                                                                                                    to hold the most riveting conversations with
                                                                                                                                                                    ‘partial vegetarians’ or ‘cheeky chaps’. But they
                                                                                                                                                                    have their own charm, and you end up rooting
                                                                                                                                                                    for your favourite teams to last the course. My
                                                                                                                                                                    favourites are Matt and Tom who, at the time of
                                                                                                                                                                    going to press, have lasted the entire trip. Amaz-
                                                                                                                                                                         It would be odd, though, if Coach Trip’s ros-

                                                                                                                                                                    ter was full of Big Brother’s plastic wannabes,
               hen Big Brother first started ten            Since the launch, none of the contestants         Bruno, he claims “I love about the UK every-          where the ex-porn star and retired playboy
               years ago, it was groundbreaking         have really held much of a spark for me. It seems     thing,” and, my favourite line, “I think England      bunny meet their part-human, part-octopus
               reality TV. It was our chance to         like Big Brother is simply torturing innocent vic-    is turning me gay!” His infectious enthusiasm         counterparts. Coach Trip may lack Big Brother’s
               peek into the ways other people          tims who are too stupid to realise how ridiculous     has been great, and I’m sad that the show doesn’t     freak factor, but that’s what makes it so endear-
live, and the British public LOVED it. Follow-          his tasks are, but instead of this creating sympa-    seem to be focussing on him enough.                   ing. It so delightfully displays British ignorance
ing people we loved, and those we loved to hate;        thy most of them have completely alienated the            This is probably because the cameras are far      in all its glory that it’s hard not to fall for its
through all the “relationships” and all the argu-       voting public. Despite nine seasons, the contest-     too busy stalking Sophie and Kris to find out ex-     clunky charms.
ments, even through the totally crazy charac-           ants have still failed to realise that essentially,   actly what is going on in their apparently ‘fake’          The daily vote is the apex of every day’s
ters, the Big Brother house has, each year, held        since they have entered a popularity contest,         romance. Kris, who claims that he has “never          events. The couples all seem to get along swim-
the attention of millions. But it seems to me that      making the public hate them is NOT what they          charmed a girl in [his] life,” was the obvious can-   mingly throughout the day but when the vote
this year’s show has taken a serious turn for the       should be aiming to do.                               didate for a Big Brother romance and it seemed        comes along there are always a few people who
worse, and all my favourite things about the                The men (Kris, Siavash and Marcus) have           most of the girls immediately wanted to try and       shout at each other like they want to not only
show have become downsides. Was the tenth               been openly vain and sexist, while the girls take     secure their lifeline in the house by having that     chuck their opposing team off the coach but off
series one too many?                                    pleasure in boasting of their superficiality and      ‘interesting’ romance for us to enjoy. After a        a cliff for good measure. The vote created one of
    The launch show introduced a typical group          bitchiness. Saffia admitted, “I really try not to     brief moment when I thought Saffia would make         my favorite reality-TV factions in recent years,
of contestants, but the twist of their ‘non house-      be bitchy but I can’t see good or nice things in      it into the limelight, Kris showed he had a cou-      the ‘Coach Mafia,’ which sounds at once power-
mate’ status just didn’t thrill. I still don’t really   anybody.” Luckily, she couldn’t see much good         ple of extra brain cells by settling with glamour     ful and incredibly lame.
see how they can be called ‘non-housemates’             in the house, either, so she quit before she an-      model Sophie. The happy couple do seem rather              Why anyone would want to go on the coach,
– having entered the house, they ARE house-             noyed us all too much.                                fake, and it definitely looks like it’s more about    let alone want to stay on it for five weeks, is be-
mates. No matter how many times Davina said                 With quite a few already gone, I pay pass-        popularity than any true feelings.                    yond me. Coaches are horrible things. The toi-
‘non housemates’ in an excited tone of voice, I         ing tribute to American wannabe rapper Cairon             We also have the typically stupid blondes.        let always stinks out the rest of the vehicle, the
just wasn’t impressed by this new idea.                 and lupus-sufferer Sophia, who in the launch          The worst, Carly, claims that the similarity be-      seats are uncomfortable and severely lack leg
    In the least popular launch show ever, the          seemed like the most appealing contestants.           tween the English and German language only            room and by the time the coach trundles into its
assorted weirdos and wannabes stood about               After a few days, however, it became clear they       emerged after World War II and has something          destination you have all of five minutes to enjoy
in a grim, empty house covered in giant insect          were both annoying and arrogant and despite           to do with the Nazis. Wow, Sophie (aka Dogface)       the sights and sounds before you have to march
wallpaper. I felt like they were as bored as I was.     originally thinking he was the epitome of cool,       will have to work hard to beat that level of idi-     back on to get to your next destination. It’s a re-
In fact, even Davina, who is usually deeply in-         Cairon’s eviction was definitely a huge positive.     ocy.                                                  lentless and ultimately pointless cycle. Do the
terested in the lives of the housemates, sounds         His bullying behaviour and condescending re-              So, although the house does have most of          coach trippers win anything? Apart from one
completely flat this year. It seems like she isn’t      marks had to go.                                      the typical elements that have kept series going      couple having a few extra days at the final des-
convinced that the show is that thrilling, either.          The only contestant who, despite being            before, it seems boring and contrived. After ten      tination, no. Is it worth it? No. Is it more enjoy-
(As an aside, it is ridiculous to have BB without       slightly annoying, seems to have much potential       series, maybe this should be the end of the road      able than watching another group of 14 people
Dermot O’Leary. They definitely need to steal           is bisexual Brazilian, Rodrigo. With a gorgeous       for Big Brother.                                      desperately grasping for fame on Big Brother?
him back from the X-factor to up ratings again).        smile and an accent like Sacha Baron Cohen’s                                                                You’d better believe it.

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