Forget it

							                         Men are from Zeus, women are from Hera
                                     By Jill Johnson

   On Stage Hera is lounging in her chaise. Wearing a white toga and sandal she is taking the
afternoon off from ruling. She flips thru a clothing magazine, browsing at this and that. She sees
             something she likes and rips it out, she keeps looking and Zeus enters.

                                              Zeus
                                            (Whiney)
                                             Honey?

                                             Hera
                              (Not looking up from her magazine)
                                            um-hm

                                              Zeus
                         Can I tell you something without getting mad?

                                                Hera
                                       (still not interested)
                                               um-hm

                                           Zeus
                          Ummm, Triton and I were playing around…

                                              Hera
                                             Um-hm

                                            Zeus
                                      …and we kind of….

                                               Hera
                                               Yes?

                                             Zeus
                                     Well we kind of….. uh

                                               Hera
                                        (getting irritated)
                                           Yes, dear?

                                          Zeus
           We sort of created something…but I think you are really going to like it?

                                             Hera
                              (stops what she is doing and sits up)
                                      What did you two do?

                                            Zeus
Well, Triton was showing off, making these big tidal waves, you know the type that you go…up
really high and crash (makes wave noises with his mouth) and swoosh and then up really really
                                big and the swoosh again….

                                                Hera
                                 I get the idea! What did you do?

                                            Zeus
                      He dared to me to show him up…so…I created man.

                                              Hera
                                          You did what!

                                               Zeus
Just a really tiny one! He won’t hurt anyone! I put him in this cute little garden where no one else
                                        can play with him.

                                             Hera
                          Holy Crap Zeus! Do you what you have done?

                                            Zeus
            I know! I know! Never create something without thinking about it first…

                                           Hera
                               Remember what happened last time?

                                             Zeus
             Hey, those dung beetles turned out to be really fascinating creatures…

                                          Hera
    What about the unicorns? Remember them? You did not very good care of them did you?

                                              Zeus
                         Hey I feed them everyday and let them exercise.

                                              Hera
                              Yeah right next to a freakin’ volcano.

                                             Zeus
                    How was I supposed to know that they were jumpers?
    (makes a motion with two fingers like a horse galloping and then jump into the edge of a
                                           volcano.)
                                            Hera
Zeus, you promised me that you were not going to make anything else without checking with me
                                            first.

                                               Zeus
I know! I know. It just that damn Triton, he thinks he’s all cool because he has a tail. Oh look at
             me, I can swim really fast, ew, look at me I can jump like a dolphin.

                                             Hera
    Zeus! Listen to me, you have got to keep this man thing under control, do you hear me?

                                                Zeus
                                         (looking dejected)
                                                Yes.

                                              Hera
 I mean it! You are going to have to feed it and exercise it…well not to much we don’t want it
                getting to fat do we? Hmmmm…how many legs does is have?

                                          Zeus
      Ummm.. I gave it (thinks for a moment) two, no three. Well two that he stands on.

                                               Hera
                                   So what is the third one for?

                                              Zeus
                 I don’t know, I had an extra part left over and I just stuck it on.

                                             Hera
                    Humph! I guess there is nothing we can do about it now.
                        Maybe later I will take a look at this “man”.

                                               Zeus
                                 (becomes child like with her)
     you will really like him Hera darling, I promise. He is pink colored and kind of hairy.

                                                Hera
                                   (going back to her magazine)
                                    Uh! I hate the hairy ones…

                                                Zeus
          Well then, he can have hair for a little while and then, poof it will al fall out.

                                            Hera
                                        Hmmm, interesting.
                                              Zeus
 Yeah, yeah, Or maybe I will make it stop growing in some places and start growing in others
(starts making calculations, thinking about added features) Yeah, or maybe he will have hair on
                             his hands and feet and then when he…..

                                           Hera
    Hold on. You gave this thing hands? Please tell me you did not give it thumbs, please.

                                            Zeus
  He looked weird without them. I mean he just had stumps(folds his hands back to look like
                   stumps) so I had to add a little somemin’ somemin’…

                                           Hera
                     For the love of Aphrodite, Zeus, how could you.
               Nothing good will come of this, mark my words, nothing good.

                                             Zeus
     Hera, don’t worry, I told you I have him locked up in a garden. He is perfectly safe.

                                           Hera
 No he is not. He could use he hands and make tools, and learn to get his own food, and then
        what? Huh? He will want to get out of garden. Shit! We are in deep shit now!

 Aphrodite enters. She is dressed very school marmish. She is wearing a pin and is singing the
                         following lyrics to the Bewitched theme song.

                                    “I’m sexy, I’m hot!
                                   Just let my body rock!
                     Watch my butt go twink, twinky twinky, da de dah.”

                                           Zeus
                               The Bewitched theme has lyrics?

                                        Aphrodite
                  Up with the Goddesses down with….well everything else!

                                            Zeus
                                            Ugh!

                                            Hera
                                            Hi Di.

                                          Aphrodite
  Hello Hera! (looking around to see if Hercules is around) How are you doing this fine day?

                                             Hera
                                    Forget it, he‘s not home.

                                           Aphrodite
                                            Damn.

                                              Hera
              He went out for a falafel about an hour ago, he should be back soon.

                                          Aphrodite
                     Oh. Well don’t mind if I just sit here and wait do you?

                                           Hera
 No problem. Janine Argonaut was going to come over but she had some unexpected company.
                    Oh let me show you this cute pink toga on page 36…

                                         Aphrodite
                            You know I have been looking for one…

(they cross to the chaise and pick up the magazine sitting side by side. Zeus is standing watching
       them, mouth open, totally amazed that Aphrodite has not even acknowledged him.)

                                               Zeus
                          (clears his throat, but the girls ignore him.)
           Hello? Ruler of the Gods here? Remember me? King of Mount Olympus?

                                           Aphrodite
                              Oh right sorry, how’s going Zooby?

                                              Zeus
                                             Zooby?

                                           Hera
                   Oh my God you’re never gonna believe what he did today.

                                              Zeus
                                              Hera!

                                           Aphrodite
                                        (getting excited)
                                        What, oh what?

                                             Hera
                                        He created man.

                                          Aphrodite
                                         What’s a man?
                                             Hera
I don’t know some silly creature with two and a half legs or something. But get this. He gave it
                                           thumbs!

                                        Aphrodite
                         Thumbs? (shocked) what the hell are thumbs?

                                           Hera
                               You know. (waving her thumbs)

                                          Aphrodite
                                           Ohhhh.

                                            Hera
                                       Yeah great huh?

                                          Aphrodite
                                           Spooky.

                                              Zeus
 Hera, why do you have to tell everyone everything? (waving his arms in the air erratically and
                  hears ripping noise, starts looking at his toga for the tear)

                                           Hera
                                Maybe one day you will learn.

                                              Zeus
Hera! Look what you made me do, I ripped my toga. Dammit! (Hera picks up stapler from under
                her chaise, finds the tear in his toga and staples it to repair it)

                                         Aphrodite
                                    So where is “the man?”

                                             Zeus
         He’s is a garden by himself, although I did give him a snake to hang out with.

                                            Hera
                                      Zeus! (warningly)

                                            Zeus
    Just one. I wanted to give him something to keep him occupied while I am not around.

                                          Aphrodite
                 Speaking of snakes, did you see Medusa’s hair the other day?
                                          Hera
                       Oh my God, yes! Talk about an up do, don’t do.

 (Overhead an air raid siren sounds. Hercules enters, he is wearing a shorts and a white shirt.
 Down the front of his shirt is slurpee mush. He has a slurpee cup in one hand and a bucket of
                                  chicken tucked under his arm.)

                                             Zeus
                  Son, what have I told you about setting off the Titan alarm?

                                               Hercules
                                   (a little hyped up, talking fast)
   oh right, gee yeah, sorry Dad, I just went to the Zelma’s for a falafel and then the 7-11 was
  having a slurpee sale, buy one get on free, so I got one, umm cherry, and then another, umm
 cola, and then I was hungry so I saw this place on the side of the road George’s Fried Chicken,
  so I got some, and uh, it was good, so I got more and the guy gave me a bucket, and then he
laughed, and so I ate more, and then I thought I better get home, you said that I had to mow the
 grass around the temple, so I did, but there was another 7-11 and they had slurpees too, and by
        that time I was thirsty, so I got another one, and then I came home and here I am.

                                             Hera
                                  Oh for the love of Aries…

                                         Aphrodite
                                     Hercules! Hercules!

                                              Zeus
 Hercules not only have set off the alarm, but now you will not have time to the grass mowed.

                                           Hercules
            But Dad, can’t you just call Ra and tell him to be late with the sunset?

                                              Zeus
No! I most certainly will not. I suggest you put down your bucket of G.F.C. and get out there!
                                      (points to off stage)

                                           Hercules
                                           All right.

                                         Aphrodite
  Hey Hercules, can I come with you? I love to watch your muscles glisten when you work.

                                           Hercules
                                            Sure.

                                             Zeus
                                            Hercules?

                                            Hercules
                                            Yes Dad?

                                             Zeus
               Aren’t you forgetting something? (pause) The keys to the chariot?

                                             Hercules
                         Oh right (digs in his pocket for the keys) Here.

                                             Zeus
                                    Did you feed the horses?

                                            Hercules
                         No, I will go do right now. C’mon Aphrodite.
                                        (They both exit)

                                              Zeus
      Humph, I bet he did not even wash it. I am going to look, I will be right back. (exits)

                                              Hera
(walks torwards the audience, looks out and down, standing on tipy toe) humph! Doesn’t look so
 special. Weird. (pause) Man, huh? (looks left and right to make sure no one sees her and snaps
 her fingers twice) humph there, now he has a nice little playmate. (waving at them like they are
  babies, baby talk) Hello there? Hello? Aren’t you just the cutest little things? Coochy coochy
                                             coo….

                              Zeus (offstage, yelling to Hercules)
                             And don’t forget to trim the hedges….

                                          Zeus reenters

                                              Zeus
                     I swear one day that kid is going to be the death of us.

                                              Hera
                                       (smiling to herself)
                                            Uh-huh.

                                              Zeus
                                              What?

                                             Hera
                                          What? What?
                                             Zeus
                                  What are you smiling about?

                                             Hera
                                            Nothing.

                                              Zeus
                                         Nothing my ass.

                                             Hera
                        I just gave your man a little playmate, that’s all.

                                            Zeus
                   A playmate? Aw Hera, I already gave him a talking snake.

                                             Hera
              I know, I thought that he needed something to keep him on his toes.

                                               Zeus
           (crosses over to the place where Hera was looking before and looks down)
                               I don’t see anything. Where are is it?

                                             Hera
                           I don’t know, look over by those fig trees.

                                              Zeus
                              Honey, I just don’t see….Whoa man!

                                              Hera
                                             See her?

                                              Zeus
                                  Yes, I see her, how did you?

                                              Hera
Well, I basically used the same design that you used except I decided no leave the third leg off. I
                        mean you said that was an extra part anyway right?

                                             Zeus
                     Great. Am I going to have to take care of this one two?

                                              Hera
                           No, she will be able to take care of herself.

                                              Zeus
                                              How?
                                             Hera
                                 (smiling) I gave her a brain.

                                      Zeus (getting pissed)
     Oh great! I get in trouble for giving the man thumbs and you give this thing a brain?

                                             Hera
                                    (very proud of herself)
                                             Yup.

                                              Zeus
                               Well, that is just fine and dandy.

                                             Hera
Don’t worry. I also gave her just enough so that she can figure out how to survive and keep the
                                      man under control.

                                            Zeus
                                            What!

                                           Hera
    Well I figured you probably gave the man basic instincts. I had to give her something.

                                            Zeus
                                           Oh crap.

                                            Hera
                             Relax, what could possibly happen?