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LC Joke Book

VIEWS: 20 PAGES: 14

									A Complete Joke Book for Legionaries
Table of Contents
Plays on Words........................................................................................................................................................................ 1
Bumper Stickers ...................................................................................................................................................................... 3
Movie Reality .......................................................................................................................................................................... 3
Plays on Words (Source Unknown)......................................................................................................................................... 4
Real Headlines......................................................................................................................................................................... 4
Signs in front of churches........................................................................................................................................................ 5
Unbelievable Excuses .............................................................................................................................................................. 5
Unbelievable Facts .................................................................................................................................................................. 5
The Ten Commandments – Texas Style .................................................................................................................................. 6
Learnt from the Ark................................................................................................................................................................. 7
Things I’ve learned from my children ..................................................................................................................................... 7
Icebreakers .............................................................................................................................................................................. 7
Short Funny Stories ................................................................................................................................................................. 8
Different Nationalities and States ........................................................................................................................................... 9
You Have Two Cows… ........................................................................................................................................................... 10
Unbelievable Labels .............................................................................................................................................................. 10
Ever wonder… ....................................................................................................................................................................... 11
Only in America… .................................................................................................................................................................. 11
Oddities of English ................................................................................................................................................................ 11
Lawyers ................................................................................................................................................................................. 12
Pure Silliness ......................................................................................................................................................................... 12
Losers’ Diet............................................................................................................................................................................ 13
Signs in front of churches...................................................................................................................................................... 13
Food ...................................................................................................................................................................................... 14



                                                                                                     The trouble being punctual is that nobody’s there to
                                                                                                     appreciate it.
Plays on Words
Without Geography, you’re nowhere.                                                                   Children are unpredictable. You never know what
                                                                                                     inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next.
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for
the common birthday.                                                                                 The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir
                                                                                                     Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but      A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
                                                             A will is a dead giveaway.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.                  If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a           With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
little behind in his work.                                    Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be     show you A-flat miner.
stationery.                                                  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was            The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully
cited for littering.                                         recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result       You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
in Linoleum Blownapart.
                                                             Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
                                                             He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
                                                             A calendar's days are numbered.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
                                                             A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-     A boiled egg is hard to beat.
head.'
                                                             He had a photographic memory which was never
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it     developed.
hit me.
                                                             A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep
                                                             When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a
off the Grass.'
                                                             mall.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a
                                                             If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how
he was; a nurse said, 'No change yet.'                        When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
                                                             thought she'd dye.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
                                                             Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium, at large.                                      Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is         Acupuncture: a jab well done.
now a seasoned veteran.
                                                             Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of
A backward poet writes in-verse.                             de feet.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's    Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this
your count that votes.                                       message, but a large number of electrons were terribly
                                                             inconvenienced.
 When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of
religion.
Bumper Stickers                                              Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an
                                                             Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
idiot.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
                                                             Movie Reality
I brake for no apparent reason.
                                                             Here’s a list of things you can learn from watching
Forget about World Peace. Visualize using your turn          too many movies or TV shows:
signal.
                                                                    Most dogs are immortal.
We have enough youth; how about a Fountain of                       All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
Smart?                                                               stick of French bread.
                                                                    It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.                                  there’s someone in the control tower to talk
                                                                     you down.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.                       Once applied, lipstick will never rub off—even
                                                                     while scuba diving.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.                The ventilation system of any building is the
                                                                     perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.                looking for you in there, and you can travel to
                                                                     any other part of the building you want without
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
                                                                     difficulty.
                                                                    If you need to reload your gun, you will always
Forget the Joneses; I keep up with the Simpsons.
                                                                     have more ammunition—even if you haven’t
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.                      been carrying any before now.
                                                                    You’re very likely to survive any battle in any
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him                    war, unless you make the mistake of showing
sleep.                                                               someone a picture of your sweetheart back
                                                                     home.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.                      Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
                                                                     German officer, it will not be necessary to speak
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a           the language. A German accent will do.
vegetarian.                                                         If your town is threatened by a natural disaster
                                                                     or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.                            the tourist trade or his forthcoming art
                                                                     exhibition.
Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?                      The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window
                                                                     in Paris.
Hard work pays off in the future. But laziness pays off             A man will show no pain while taking the most
right now.                                                           ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
                                                                     tries to clean his wounds.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.                         If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
                                                                     be thrown through it before long.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone                   When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet
else.                                                                as you take out a bill—just grab one at random
                                                                     and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.                        Word processors never display a cursor on
                                                                     screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.             Cars that crash will almost always burst into
                                                                     flames.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count &                  A single match will be sufficient to light up a
those who can’t.                                                     room the size of a football stadium.
   Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.                Plays on Words (Source Unknown)
   It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when    Police were called to a daycare where a three year old
    beginning or ending phone conversations.
                                                        was resisting a rest.
   Even when driving down a perfectly straight
    road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
                                                        Did you hear about the guy whose left side was
    vigorously from left to right every few
    moments.                                            chopped off; he’s all right now
   All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
                                                        To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
    devices with large red readouts so that you
    know exactly when they’re going to go off.          When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
   It’s always possible to park directly outside the
    building you’re visiting.                           A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
   A detective can only solve a case once he has
    been suspended from duty.                           A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement; he be came
   If you decide to start dancing in the street,       a hardened criminal.
    everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
   Most laptop computers are powerful enough to        Thieves who steal corn from the garden could be
    override the communication systems of any           charged with stalking.
    invading alien civilization.
   It does not matter if you are heavily               We’ll never run out of math teachers because they
    outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts—
                                                        always multiply.
    your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
    one by one by dancing around in a threatening       When the smog lifts in Los Angeles UCLA.
    manner until you have knocked out the ones
    before them.                                        The professor discovered that her theory of
   When a person is knocked unconscious by a           earthquakes was on shaky ground.
    blow to the head, they will never suffer a
    concussion or brain damage.                         The dead batteries were given away free of charge.
   No one involved in a car chase, hijacking,
    explosion, volcanic eruption, or alien invasion     If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog
    will ever go into shock.                            your memory.
   Police departments give their officers
    personality tests to make sure they are             A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
    deliberately assigned a partner who is their
    total opposite.
   When they’re alone, all foreigners prefer to        Real Headlines
    speak English to each other.
   You can always find a chain saw when you need
                                                               Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
    one.
                                                               Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
   Any lock can be picked in seconds by a credit
                                                               Stiff Opposition Expected to Funeral Plan
    card or a paper clip—unless it’s the door to a
                                                               Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
    burning building with a child trapped inside.
                                                               Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder
   Television news bulletins usually contain a story
                                                               Safety Experts Say Children on School Bus
    that affects you personally at that precise
                                                                Should Be Belted
    moment.
                                                               Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
   People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do,
                                                               Eye Drops off Shelf
    they’re usually dead within minutes.
                                                               Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
   You can always rely on your car keys already
                                                               Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
    being in the ignition when you get in the car,
                                                               Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at
    but if it’s an emergency you can’t find the keys
                                                                Checkout Counter
    anywhere.
                                                               Man Is Fatally Slain
   No one locks doors, and if they do, chances are
                                                               Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts
    there’s a hatchet about to come through it.
                                                                Say
       Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant               “I had been shopping all day for plants and was on my
       Stolen Painting Found by Tree                          way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang
       Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge                           up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
       Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
       Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half                 “The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I
                                                               ran over him.”

Signs in front of churches                                     “The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was
“God does not believe in atheists, therefore atheists do       attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my
not exist.”                                                    front end.”

“Staying in Bed; shouting, Oh God! Does not constitute         “Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and
going to Church.”                                              collided with a tree I don’t have.”

“Forgive your enemies – it messes with their heads.”           “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a
                                                               number of times before I hit him.”
“Free coffee, everlasting life, yes, membership has its
benefits.”                                                     “My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
                                                               vehicle.”
“Don’t be so open minded your brains fall out.”
                                                               “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my
“God so loved the world that he did not send a
                                                               vehicle, and vanished.”
committee.”
                                                               “The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a
“Read the bible – it will scare the hell out of you.”
                                                               small car with a big mouth.”
“Wal-Mart is not the only saving place.”

“Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.”   Unbelievable Facts
                                                               Stewardesses is the longest word that can be typed with
“There are some questions that can’t be answered by
                                                               only the left hand.
Google.”
                                                               An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Unbelievable Excuses                                           White Out was invented by the mother of the Monkee’s
If you think drivers come up with some unbelievable            Michael Nesmith.
excuses when they’re trying to talk a cop out of giving
                                                               A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
them a ticket, you should see the stories that turn up on
insurance companies’ accident forms. Some time ago             In England the Speaker of the House is not allowed to
The Toronto Sun newspaper printed a few samples from           speak.
actual reports:
                                                               To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”                   thumbs into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.

“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone         Frank Sinatra never owned a pair of Levis.
pole.”
                                                               If a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building, it has
“I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell         about 30 percent less chance of surviving than a cat
asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”                      falling off the twentieth floor. It takes about 8 floors for
                                                               a cat to realize what is happening, relax, and correct
                                                               itself.
Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for     The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is
Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world’s largest           the cat.
zipper manufacturer.
                                                             The “dot” over the letter “i” is called a tittle.
The Monongahela River’s name translated into English
means “high banks breaking off and falling down in           Honey is the only natural food that is made without
                                                             destroying any kind of life. What about milk you say? A
places.”
                                                             cow has to eat grass to produce milk and grass is living.
A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by
111,111,111 gives the result 12,345,678,987,654,321.         Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a
                                                             dance.
No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, and purple.                                  Dr. Seuss pronounced “Seuss” such that it rhymed with
                                                             “rejoice.”
Canada is an Indian word meaning “Big Village.”
                                                             More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in
“I am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English      air crashes.
language.
                                                             Armored knights raised their visors to identify
The term “the whole 9 yards” came from World War II          themselves when they rode past their king. That’s how
fighter pilots in the South Pacific. The ammo belts for      we got the modern military salute.
.50-caliber machine guns measured exactly 27 feet
before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired   Los Angeles’s full name is: “El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora
all their ammo at a target, it got “the whole 9 yards.”      la Reina de los Angeles de Poriuncula.”

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.               Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

                                                             Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly
Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to
carrots.                                                     backwards.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin          A cat’s jaw cannot move sideways.
during World War II killed the only elephant in the
Berlin Zoo.
                                                             The Ten Commandments – Texas Style
A “jiffy” is the name for an actual unit of time—1/100th     People here in Texas have trouble with all those "Shalls"
of a second.                                                 and "shall nots" in the ten Commandments. Folks here
                                                             just aren’t used to talking in those terms. So, some folks
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.            out in west Texas got together and translated the “King
                                                             James” into “King Ranch” language: Ten
Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine
                                                             Commandments, Cowboy Style.
that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
                                                             [Cowboy’s Ten Commandments posted on the wall at
The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old
                                                             Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.]
English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb.                        1. Just one God.
                                                                 2. Honor yer Ma & Pa.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen
                                                                 3. No telling tales or gossipin’.
seconds.
                                                                 4. Commit yourself to Sunday meeting.
The “pound” key on your keyboard (#) is called an                5. Put nothin’ before God.
octotroph.                                                       6. No foolln’ around with another fellow’s gal.
                                                                 7. No killin’.
    8. Watch yer mouth.                                          9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock
    9. Don’t takè what ain’t yers.                                   even though a 36-year old man says they can
    10. Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff.                    only do it in the movies.
                                                                 10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive
                                                                     tract of a 3-year-old.
                                                                 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used
Learnt from the Ark
                                                                     in the same sentence.
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from             12. Super glue is forever.
Noah’s Ark                                                       13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a
                                                                     swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
    1. Don’t miss the boat                                       14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
    2. Remember we are all in the same boat                      15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even
    3. Plan ahead, it wasn’t raining when Noah built                 though TV commercials show they do.
        the Ark                                                  16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
    4. Stay fit, when you’re 600 years old, someone              17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when
        may ask you to do something really big                       driving.
    5. Don’t listen to critics; just get the job done that       18. You probably do not want to know what that
        needs to be done                                             odor is
    6. Build your future on high ground                          19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
    7. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs                            Plastic toys do not like ovens.
    8. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails               20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-
        were on board with the cheetahs                              minute response time.
    9. When you’re stressed, float a while                       21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
    10. Remember the Ark was built by amateurs; the                  make earthworms dizzy.
        Titanic by professionals                                 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
    11. No matter the storm, when you are with God,              23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when
        there’s always a rainbow waiting.                            dizzy.
                                                                 24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

Things I’ve learned from my children
    1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill       Icebreakers
       a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.                   Fastest airplane landing ever… as soon as the wheels hit
    2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run
                                                                screeching, capt puts reverse thrust on full, flaps up
       over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
    3. A 3-year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in        high, we lung forward, capt: “That has got to be the
       a crowded restaurant.                                    shortest runway in the world!” “Yes, capt, but it must
    4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the          also be the widest!”
       motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42
       pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a              Visiting priest beginning mass fidgets with the mic,
       Supermancape. It is strong enough, however, if           downward mumbles: there is something wrong with
       tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four         this thing…and also with you
       walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
    5. You should not throw baseballs up when the            Can I please have a show of hands… of those who do
       ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a        not like to be asked to raise their hands… Could you
       bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times          please raise your hands?
       before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
       baseball a long way.                                  There are two kinds of people; those who can count
    6. The glass in windows (even double-pane)                 and those who can’t
       doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
    7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words          If clap before=faith, during=hope, after=love
       “uh oh,” it’s already too late.
    8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke,            Churchill & Lady N: If were you’re your wife I would
       and lots of it.                                         poison your drink; If I were your husband I’d drink it
Definition of mixed emotions: your mother in law              the end. “And lead us not into temptation, but
  driving your new Mercedes over a cliff                      deliver us some e-mail”...

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?      A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
Make me one with everything                                    fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned
                                                               them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and
Pope walks on water w bishop… reporters “Frail pope in
bad condition—cannot swim”                                     he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old
                                                               leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between
Why maharishi refuse Novocain tooth pull? Wanted to            the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy
  transcend dental medication                                  called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his
                                                               mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s
                                                               voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”
Short Funny Stories
During a recent visit to my home parish in Minnesota,      A mother and her young son returned from the grocery
  after Mass a little boy—kind of courageously—all by         store and began putting away the groceries. The boy
  himself, walked up to the pastor and looked up,             opened the box of animal crackers and spread them
  “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money           all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother
  of my own!” “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied,          asked. “The box says not to eat them if the seal is
  impressed by his manners, “But why?” he asked.              broken” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the
  “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest            seal.”
  preachers we’ve ever had.” A father was at the
  beach with his children when his four-year-old son       Godfather gets cheated; has son hire a new treasurer
  ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the        who doesn’t hear too good. 2 months later, deaf
  shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy,       man suspected of robbing 2 million. Godfather
  what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died             interrogates, son sign-translates (graphically);
  and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy              denying it at first, threatened, (more graphic sign
  thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw             language) confesses to son; I hid the 2 million under
  him back down?”                                            the flower bed out back. What did he say? He said
                                                             You’re nothing but a big fat Italian bum and you
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she      just haven’t got the guts to shoot him.
   turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would
   you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what    Man drilling holes in ice hears voice “There’s no fish
   to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear        down there!”, moves along, drills in a new place; “I
   Mommy say,” the wife answered. The daughter               told you. There are no fish down there!” “Wow!
   bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I        God? No, ice rink manager.”
   invite all these people to dinner?”
                                                           Zookeeper takes a big man aside and confides in him;
Two elderly men fishing, one sees a funeral procession       listen, we’ve got a very delicate situation on our
  pass by, reels in his line, removes his hat, and bows      hands; our ape escaped. Would you consider
  in reverence as the motorcade rolls by, the other          dressing up, grunting, swinging, eating bananas…?
  comments: wow, you have a real respect for the             Sure. Gets into the hang of it (embellish…); one day
  dead! Yeah, she was a good wife                            swings so high (overconfident) that he lands smack
                                                             dab in the lion’s den. Terrified, begins to scream,
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord’s          “Help me! Help!” Lion comes closer, “Would you cut
   Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child        it out—before you get us both fired!”
   repeated it after the mother. Then one night the
   child was ready to solo. The mother listened with
   pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to
“64 days! 64 days!” “Why 64 days?” “We are                    Different Nationalities and States
   celebrating the completion of a puzzle so difficult the    Knock, knock...José Luis Gonzales Hernandez
   box said 3-4 years.”                                         Gomez de las murallas blancas. Okay, all you
                                                                guys come in!
Please join us in remembering a guy of the
                                                              American injured, in Australian hospital, regains
   entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy
                                                                consciousness next dy: My God, have you brought
   died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications
                                                                me here to die? Nurse removes gas mask: (say it
   from repeated pokes in the stomach. He was buried
                                                                loudly) “No sih, yeh go’ hey yes tuh die”
   in a lightly greased coffin. The gravesite was piled
   high with flours. Dozens of celebrities turned out to      What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday: AY,
   pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth,              MAYTEE!
   Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,
   The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. Aunt             What did the Irishman with a flask of whisky under his
   Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described           coat say when he was shot on the street and felt his
   Doughboy who never knew how much he was                      wet jacket? Oh I hope it’s blood
   kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business,
                                                              Englishman and an Irishman in a pub; fly plops down
   but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
                                                                into the Brit’s mug—he downs it in one gulp and
   considered a “smart” cookie, wasting much of his
                                                                looks over at Murphy. A fly lands in Murphy’s mug,
   time on half-baked ideas. Despite being a little flaky
                                                                he takes it out, grabs it by the legs and…spit it up,
   at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered
                                                                spit it up!
   a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his
   wife, Play Dough, two children - John Dough and            Exhausted Irishman comes in the pub…How about some
   Jane Dough - and had one in the oven. He is also              water? No water. Some lemonade? No lemonade.
   survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral         Whisky and ice? No ice
   was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
                                                              Texan visits Irish farm How big is your farm?… Well, my
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a              farm is so big, it takes a whole day to drive one end
   road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-          to other O mi laddie, don’t ya worry; I too once had
   dune. “One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban”.         a car like that
   The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best
   soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle              Two guys meet at a pub and begin talking. Where
   breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then             are you from? … Hey, me too! Where’d you go
   silence. The voice then calls out “One Texan is better
                                                                to school? … Hey, me too! (…when, where lived,
                                                                etc) There go the Murphy twins… drinking
   than one hundred Taliban”. Furious, the Taliban
                                                                again
   commander sends his next best 100 troops over the
                                                              What’s the best thing coming out of Michigan? I-
   dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences.
                                                                75 S
   After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Texan       Why place their Michigan Degree in windshield?
   voice calls out again “One Texan is better than one          Handicapped parking
   thousand taliban”. The enraged Taliban Commander
   musters one thousand fighters and sends them               What get if drive through Michigan real slow? diploma
   across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun
                                                              Directions from OH to MI: go north till you smell it
   fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
   Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back         …You shouldn’t do that just because the other boys do!
   over the dune and with his dying words tells his             What if your parents were morons? What would
   commander, “Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap.            that make you? A Michigan fan!
   There’s actually two of them.
Ice fishing competition: OH vs MI … yeah, they’re             four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops
   cheatin’ – they’re pokin’ holes!                           dead.

Know the NCAA is cracking down on low GPA of               A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go
  athletes? Yeah, in fact, some schools are taking it         on strike because you want three cows.
  very seriously; for instance, know what “N” on
                                                           A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You
  Nebraska football helmet stands for? Knowledge
                                                              redesign them so they are eleventh the size of an
                                                              ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk..
You Have Two Cows…
                                                           A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep
                                                              engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a
   one and give one to your neighbor.
                                                              month and milk themselves.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes
                                                           AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you
   one and gives it to your neighbor.
                                                             don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has
                                                           A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You
   none. So what!
                                                              count them and learn you have five cows. You count
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has              them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count
   none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote       them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop
   people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to       counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
   sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people
                                                           A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two
   you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
                                                             cows, but you’re not sure where they are. You’ll look
   cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
                                                             for them tomorrow.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government
                                                           A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows, none of
   seizes both and provides you with milk.
                                                              which belong to you. You charge for storing them for
A FACIST: You have two cows. The government seizes            others.
   both and sells you the milk. You join the
                                                           A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You
   underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
                                                              enter into a partnership with an American
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows.                 corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the
  The government taxes you to the point you have to           American corporation declares bankruptcy.
  sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
                                                           AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You
  has only one cow, which was a gift from your
                                                             worship them.
  government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You
  sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.
                                                           Unbelievable Labels
                                                           On a Sear’s hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn,
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows.              and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
  The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
  the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the     On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase
  milk down the drain.                                       necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You            On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular
  sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of       soap.” (and that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion:      When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
  Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion).                it?

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do      Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  not turn upside down.” (a bit late?)
                                                          Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be
  hot after heating.” (and you thought?)                  Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes     Why are they called apart-ments when they are all
  on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?)          stuck together?

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
  or operate machinery after taking this medication.”          terminal?
  (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction   Why there is an expiration date on sour cream?
  accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
  head-colds off those forklifts.)                        Why there are locks on Wal Mart doors if open 24—7—
                                                            365?
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
  (and I’m taking this because?)                          Why we park on driveways drive on parkways?

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or
  outdoor use only.” (as opposed to…)                     Only in America…
                                                             When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the
                                                             quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not
  other use.” (Now, somebody out there, help me on
                                                             work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA
  this. I’m a bit curious.)
                                                             scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a
On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.”            pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
  (news flash)                                               underwater, on almost any surface including glass
                                                             and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions:       over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Enjoy paying
  Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh, fly            your taxes.
  Delta?)

On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this           Oddities of English
  garment does not enable you to fly.”                    1. can a pizza get to your house faster than an
                                                              ambulance
                                                          2. are there handicapped parking places in front of a
Ever wonder…                                                  skating rink
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins         3. do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to back
  Lottery”?                                                   of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
                                                              people can buy cigarettes at the front
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?                    4. do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
                                                              and a diet Coke!
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on   5. do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
  ‘Start’?                                                    pens to the counters
                                                          6. do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?                      driveway and put our useless junk in the garage
7. do we use answering machines to screen calls and            38. If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
    then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from        39. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
    someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place           humanitarian eat?
8. do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in           40. In what language do people recite at a play and
    packages of eight                                              play at a recital?
9. do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process       41. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
    so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’         42. Have noses that run and feet that smell?
    meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’ WHAT A                    43. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
    WONDERFUL DEFINITION                                           same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
10. do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille                opposites?
    lettering                                                  44. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
11. The bandage was wound around the wound                         language in which your house can burn up as it
12. The farm was used to produce produce                           burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
13. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more                out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
     refuse                                                    45. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
14. We must polish the Polish furniture                            but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
15. He could lead if he would get the lead out
16. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the
     desert                                                    Lawyers
17. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it     What is the difference between a dead deer & a dead
     was time to present the present                             lawyer found in the street? There are skid marks
18. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
                                                                 before the deer
19. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes
20. I did not object to the object                             What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
21. The insurance was invalid for the invalid
                                                                 One’s a scum sucking, pond-dwelling, slimy animal.
22. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to
     row                                                         The other’s a fish
23. They were too close to the door to close it
                                                               What is big and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
24. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to
     sow                                                       Doberman
25. The wind was too strong to wind the sail
26. After a number of injections my jaw got number             Know why sharks are much less likely to bite a lawyer?
27. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear         Professional courtesy
28. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
29. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
30. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;          Pure Silliness
     neither apple nor pine in pineapple                       Two atoms walking down the street, one loses an
31. English muffins weren’t invented in England or               electron. Other asks: are you sure? I’m positive!
     French fries in France.
32. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which           Man comes back to bird store: I’ve planted this bird
     aren’t sweet, are meat.                                     seed all spring, and not a single one has come up!
33. Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
     and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a       Rope comes in to a bar & refused a drink & beat up on
     pig.                                                        the way out. Comes back in all tied up. I thought I
34. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t
                                                                 told you rope to get lost. I’m a frayed knot!
     fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
35. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of
                                                               Why elephants paint their nails scarlet red? To hide in
     booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
                                                                 the strawberry patch. Ever seen an elephant in a
     meese? One index, 2 indices?
36. Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends               strawberry patch? See how good they hide?
     but not one amend?
37. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of        What were Tarzan’s last words? Who put grease on this
     all but one of them, what do you call it?                   viiiine?
What does a 50lb canary say? (deep tone) Here, kitty…           Mid-Afternoon Snack

Doctor, every time I bring cup up to drink tea, stabbing               Rest of the package of Oreos
  pain in my right eye. Take the spoon out                             1 quart rocky-road ice cream
                                                                       1 jar hot fudge
I can’t seem to find anything else wrong with you. I’ll
    have to attribute it to drinking. Oh that’s alright, doc.   Dinner
    I’ll come back when you’re sober
                                                                       2 loaves garlic bread
His name’s bigger; his son’s a “little bigger”                         Large pepperoni and mushroom pizza
                                                                       Large pitcher of root beer
Counterfeiter tries to pawn off his $18 bill; cashier                  2 Snickers bars
offers him 3 $6                                                        Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from
                                                                        freezer
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 8 7 9.
                                                                Diet Tips:
Who can jump higher than a skyscraper? Anyone. They
can’t jump                                                             If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
                                                                       If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they
Stole a bag of cheese, what kind is it, did not open it but             cancel each other out.
think I know; That’s not yo (nacho) cheese!                            When eating with someone else, calories don’t
                                                                        count if you both eat.
Why did MBL recently prohibit Chinese cooks from                       Food used for medical purposes never counts,
being pro pitchers? They wok everybody                                  such as: hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee
                                                                        cheesecake.
What is the technical-veterinary name for cow with no                  If you fatten up everyone else around you, then
legs? Ground beef                                                       you look thinner.
                                                                       Movie-related foods don’t count because they
That’s just being redundant over and over again                         are simply part of the entire entertainment
                                                                        experience and not a part of one’s personal
I’ve told you a thousand times to stop exaggerating                     fuel.
                                                                       Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process
                                                                        of breakage causes calorie leakage.
Losers’ Diet
                                                                Is this not how many people live their faith life.
If you are interested in losing weight, I present to
you the incredible new “Loser’s Diet.” Just follow
this diet and you are sure to lose.                             Signs in front of churches
                                                                “God does not believe in atheists, therefore atheists do
Breakfast                                                       not exist.”

       1/2 grapefruit                                          “Staying in Bed; shouting, Oh God! Does not constitute
       1 slice whole wheat toast                               going to Church.”
       8 oz. skim milk
                                                                “Forgive your enemies – it messes with their heads.”
Lunch
                                                                “Free coffee, everlasting life, yes, membership has its
       4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast                       benefits.”
       1 cup steamed zucchini
       1 Oreo cookie                                           “Don’t be so open minded your brains fall out.”
       Herb tea
“God so loved the world that he did not send a                 How learn to eat spaghetti? Use your noodle
committee.”
                                                               How veggies trace ancestry? Go back to their roots
“Read the bible – it will scare the hell out of you.”

“Wal-Mart is not the only saving place.”

“Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.”

“There are some questions that can’t be answered by
Google.”


Food
What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me

Why man climb roof of restaurant? Told him it was on
the house

What priest say at pickle wedding? Dilly beloved…

Where best tacos end up? Gulp of Mexico

How prevent crime in McD? Burger alarm

What Ronald give Wendy at wedding? Onion ring

Where chickens vacation? Hennessee

Why did jelly roll? Saw apple turnover

Why did the pizza go into business? To make some
dough

Why not buy a used car from fruit dealer? End up w
lemon

What kind of tree chickens come from? Poul-tree

Where to park a truckload of pigs? Empty porking place

What kind of jokes veggies like? Corny

What food is crazy about $? Dough-nut

What burger say to pickle? You’re dill-icious

Why hot dog shivering? Because of the chili beans

Which foods get in the best colleges? Grade A

Which food essential to good music? Beet

How turn tomato into squash? Pick it up and let it fall

								
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