~ Boxer Shorts ~
A Bar Play
SETTING: Actors sit on four bar stools facing the bar and audience. Hazel sits on the
stool to stage left. Harvey sits on the next stool. Ryan sits on the third stool and Cindy
sits on the last stool to stage right.
ACTORS: Hazel is a sixties something gadfly who is always sticking her nose into other
people’s business. She is not a gossip or mean, just a vivacious person who is always
interested and interesting. And, of course, likes to talk.
Harvey, her husband is the polar opposite. He rarely talks, but his facial
expressions speak volumes.
Ryan is a knock your socks off beautiful man in his late twenties who just
happens to be, if not a nerd, an intellectual – a stud who doesn’t know he is a stud.
Cindy is a cougar.
The play opens with…
Cindy: So, what are you, a briefs man or a boxers man? (As she snuggles
up to Ryan’s left arm and looks at him for a reaction)
Ryan: (A little taken aback as she has asked this so openly, anybody near by
can hear. After a moment he replies in an equally open fashion) I take it
you are one of those women who buys all her under things at Victoria’s
Cindy: (Now it is Cindy who is taken aback, as Ryan’s answer is
completely out of the realm of the answers to that questions she is used to
getting. She quickly realizes that this one is not going to bed easily, plus he
has not answered her question.) Well, that goes without saying. I bet if
there were a Victor Secrets for men, you would buy your under things there.
Ryan: No, I wear my pants around my waist, not below my butt and I think
of my boxers as a convenience, not as a fashion statement.
Cindy: So, it is boxers then.
Ryan: I’m not in denial here. Why do you ask?
Cindy: Well, I never could understand why a guy would want to wear
briefs. Boxer shorts are so much more interesting. They reveal so much
more about a guy. Do they have ducks on them? Maybe they tell you that
he likes to fish. Or they could have nothing on them at all, which is a red
flag. It warns you to move on, this ones a dull guy, as interesting as a dried
up lake bed.
Ryan: Wow! Should I be taking notes on this?
Cindy: A guy could be hiding a lot, or he could have little of nothing to
Ryan: So, you’re saying a woman, who shops at Victoria Secrets, has so
little to hide, she might as well try to show what little she has, where as; a
well endowed woman, could shop at Sears.
Cindy: (Realizing she has met her match, is speechless for a moment and
directs an “Oh, shit” look to the audience. Recovering she says) Do you
have anything to hide, Ryan?
Ryan: (Looking at Cindy says) I don’t have any birthmarks, if that’s what
you mean. (Not getting any reaction from Cindy he adds to the audience)
Boxers aren’t totally satisfying, you know.
Cindy: (Cindy’s interest perks back up) How’s that?
Ryan: They always come out of the dryer inside out. It’s so irritating. I
wash clothes every Monday night and there I stand at the folding table
turning my boxer shorts right side out. It’s such a time waster.
Cindy: (Cindy is frustrated and intrigued at the same time. Does anything
normal ever come out of this guy’s mouth? She might actually want to get
to know this guy’s head, not just use his body even as wonderful it would
appear to be) I admit we women are very fussy about our clothes. But I
didn’t know you men cared so much. I’m surprised you even notice how
your boxers come out of the dryer. I just assumed a guy would put them on,
Ryan: No, no, no, no. That would never do.
Cindy: (Completely drawn into Ryan’s game now and abandoning her own,
interrupts with) Why not?
Ryan: Because if a right handed man put his boxers on inside out he
wouldn’t have access.
Cindy: (Not following that one, says) What?
Ryan: The fly on a pair of boxer shorts opens to the right, providing a right
handed man access to his equipment. But if he should accidently be wearing
his boxers inside out, the fly would be opening to the left. (Shaking his
head) That’s no good, well, unless you’re left handed, of course.
Cindy: That’s so ridiculous!
Hazel: (To Cindy) No it’s not. When a guy has to pee and he’s wearing his
boxer shorts inside out under his trousers, his hand would first have to go
through the right handed fly of his pants, and then do a u-turn to go through
the left handed fly of the wrong side out boxers to get to his plumbing.
Honey, you know men don’t have the finesse to do maneuvers like that.
Harvey: (Harvey makes a facial expression to the audience to say, “Oh,
God. Here we go again”)
Ryan: (Happy for the unexpected help says) Ya. If a guy should be
standing in front of a urinal and he can’t get his equipment out, because the
flies are incompatible; well, he would be losing productive time, plus; this
fumbling around could be potentially embarrassing. I’m sure you’ve
noticed, (To Cindy) trousers are designed for right handed men only.
Women, are not so encumbered. This lost of productivity would appear to
be minor. But a female counterpart at the office could be getting ahead
during this time, extra time brown nosing with the boss, for example; or
gathering crucial information germane to the project. Does this give women
an inherent advantage? Well consider this. More women are entering
college today than men. Over 50% of graduates with advanced degrees
today are women. And odds are, a retiring professional man will be replaced
with a woman.
There are no left hand trousers.
Archeologists have documented advanced civilizations have fallen for
simple reasons like this.
Cindy: You’re a Republican, aren’t you?
Hazel: Fortunately, I’m ambidextrous so I don’t have to worry about
whether Harvey has his boxers on inside out or right side out.
(Everyone looks at Hazel in disbelief)
Harvey: (Looks at the audience as if to say, “Oh, Christ! Is nothing
Cindy: Well, this left handed fly, right handed fly business just can’t be all
that big of a deal.
Ryan: Have you ever tried it?
Hazel: Ya, until you’ve walked in another man’s shoes, don’t knock it.
(Hazel licks her index finger and draws a one on the bar, as in, score one for
Cindy: Well, if it’s such a big deal and you are afraid us women will get the
jump on you, I guess when nature calls, you will just have to hold it.
Hazel: Or Squat. (Humored by the whole thing and giggling)
Ryan: (Very sincere now) You girls just don’t get the importance of this
thing. Did you know that Patton’s 3rd Army lost a battle in WWII, because
of what seemed to be a trivial, little thing at the time? Patton sent back to
the US for repairs on his tanks. When the parts came, the nuts were the
same size as the bolts they were intended for all right, but the thread was
different. Is not fumbling with the wrong fly at the urinal, not as important
as fumbling with the wrong nuts, on the battle field? Battles and
opportunities are lost this way. It’s all in the details.
You do know boxers are standard issue in the military, don’t you?
That’s because on a forced march they don’t chafe as much and they’re
Cindy: (Lamenting) Ya, fast seems to be the important thing with you guys.
Harvey: (Looking straight forward says) At least he’s got something to rush
Hazel: (Hazel gets off her stool and elbows her husband out of the way so
she can sit next to Ryan and says) Tell me more.
Ryan: The pentagon has figured out that boxers are faster to put on when
the, TO BATTLE STATIONS, alarm goes off. And I suppose they are a
little more amenable to the military way of thinking “one size fits all” as
Hazel: (All excited says) So that’s it. Now I get it. Harvey gave up on
briefs a long time ago, (Look at Harvey now) once he lost his six-pack in the
grave yard of spare tires. (She pinches the fat on his gut) When I first met
him, he wore briefs. “Low Riders,” he called ‘em. If he tried to wear them
now, I think they would pull his tires in right down to the rims.
Harvey: (Gives her a discussed look)
Hazel: Oh, relax, Honey, we’re just having a little girl talk here. (As she
holds onto Ryan’s right arm)
Ryan: The pentagon has figured out boxers are faster to put on, but I’ve
been doing a little research of my own and find their research to be flawed.
They’ve over looked the maintenance issue. I kept a record for 17
consecutive Mondays on how my shorts came out of the dryer. One month I
paid no attention to how my boxers went into the washing machine. One
month I documented that they all went into the washer right side out. One
month I purposely put them in the washing machine inside out. I even tried
different conditions. One month I washed some new ones, some what I
would call mid-lifers and some worn out ones – dam near rags if you want to
know the truth of it.
And every single time the boxer shorts came out of the dryer inside
out. And I can prove it. I kept my lab notes.
Cindy: Yep. Republican.
Ryan: One time I even ran a controlled experiment. I put the plain ones in
the washer right side out and the ones with stripes, (To Cindy) sorry, no
hunting dogs or flying ducks, inside out and both the control group and the
experimental group came out of the dryer inside out. I should write the
government for a grant to do a study on this. Look at the time wasted with
every soldier having to turn his shorts right side out before folding them. I
think I’m on to something. The pentagon could be missing an opportunity
here to cut the defense budget.
Cindy: Oops. Not so Republican.
Hazel: Well, I’ll be. Who would have thought the military finally agreed to
let women into the army, because Jane Doe doesn’t have a problem with her
Ryan: It’s not the boxers. It’s the dryer. Take the marine outpost in
Afghanistan, for example, that was nearly overrun by a surprise attack by the
Taliban. You saw the picture. It was all over the media and U-tube. I’m
sure you’ve seen it. Did you notice the marine, the one who made sure he
got his flack jacket on, but didn’t have time to put his pants on, was wearing
Cindy: (Forgetting her self now says loudly) That proves nothing. They
were pink, for God’s sake. I’m sure the military did not issue those, (stops,
but then adds an after thought) unless he was one of those that told.
Ryan: Well, if he did, his fellow marines didn’t care. He had his finger on
the trigger of a machine gun, just like the rest of them. They were sent to
him by his girl friend back home, I suspect. They had little hearts on them.
(To Cindy) What does that tell you? The media said he got texts from girls
all over the world saying, “Nice Butt.” What is it with you women and a
guy’s butt, anyway?
Hazel: So, Ryan, What you’re saying is, now I want to make sure I got this
right. That if one army was just men, just an example now, Ryan.
Hazel: We’ll call them force “A” was against army “B” that was all women.
After the battle the newspaper headline would read, “Army “B” won,
because they didn’t have a fly problem?
Ryan: (Feigning frustration, but really having a ball with these two ladies)
It’s not the boxers! It’s the dryer!
Cindy: (Now getting a little pissed at Hazels being a whole lot too interested
in Ryan, realizes she needs to take back control of this conversation. Using,
Ryan’s own tactics of throwing the conversation for a loop she asks) Well,
I’m doing a little research of my own. Do you boxer guys hang it down the
right leg or the left leg?
Ryan: (Completely unfazed, answers) The point being… ? (As he shrugs
Cindy: Well, seeing as to how important this right handed fly vs left handed
fly business is to you, I figure there must be a reason for that too.
Ryan: Oh, very good. What luck. I’ve run into another dedicated
researcher. (Holds his beer up to clink bottles with Cindy) Left side is your
answer. Entering from the right side of the trousers, the equipment is more
accessible if worn to the left. So, to help you ladies out, let me give you a
little tip. (Motions for them to draw close and lowers his voice) In the
future, if you see tell tale signs on the left side, his left, your right, the guy is
wearing boxers. If you see a bulge on the right side, it could be either, but
the odds are the guy is wearing briefs.
Hazel: Or nothing. (Hazel says looking up to and nuzzling up to Ryan)
Harvey: (Having reached his limit on Hazels carrying on, grabs her arm
rather forcefully and drags her off to leave. But on the way, at upper stage
right, we see Hazel has recognized another couple seated at a table and stops
to rubber into their conversation. Once again, Harvey is foiled by his wife)
Cindy: (Looks on to Hazel and says) I wouldn’t want to be her significant
Harvey: (Realizing his wife’s coat and purse is still over at the bar, Harvey
sheepishly returns to Ryan’s side to fetch them. He nods to Ryan as if to
say, “It was nice to meet you.”)
Ryan: (Ryan returns the nod to Harvey, as a man’s way of saying good by
and turning back to Cindy says) So, you going to ask me up to your place,
or do I have to order another round of drinks?
Cindy: (Cindy – mouth hanging open is totally blown away. Suddenly, it
dawns on her, she never was in control of this conversation. Having been in
the habit of being the hunter for a long time now, she’s a little lost as what to
do as the prey. She doesn’t like the image she sees in her head of being the
older women, past her prime for some time now, being chased by a hot,
young stud, especially; a gigolo for God’s sake, which puts Ryan in a whole
new light. And Ryan’s waiting for an answer)