Revise this paragraph: by 7yZo450h


									ESL 160 (501)-Spring 09
Ma-Unity and Coherence Review
                                                             Strong Body Paragraph
Weak Body Paragraph

                                                                      Not only are online courses convenient for
         Online courses are convenient for students to       students to learn an academic subject, they are also
learn an academic subject. Also they are proven to be        proven to be highly effective. For one thing, online
a very effective way to learn. Nowadays, people are          courses have flexible schedules for busy students
not just full-time students. Many of them hold part-         who hold part-time or full-time jobs. For instance,
time jobs to help support themselves. If you worked at       last semester when I was working a night shift from
a night shift at a gas station, you would have a hard        12am -8am at a gas station, I was not able to enroll in
time getting up early to come to a morning class. This       an early morning class. As a result, I was forced to
is one reason why many students don’t come at all or         take an online course in the late evening to fulfill my
arrive to class late. Also, online classes are also fun to   requirement. Fortunately, this online schedule helped
take. You can play with the computer, and you don’t          me to continue with school and also able to work to
have to work in groups or in pairs with anybody. I           support myself. In addition to being flexible, online
enjoy working with computers, and sometimes, I can           classes are really an effective way to study. Unlike
take a break from studying to do some Internet               in traditional classrooms, students can manage his or
surfing. When I am ready to study again, I can simply        her own time with online courses. This means that any
go back to the online class without being punished by        student can study with his or her own pace according
the teacher.                                                 to their learning style. Personally, I enjoy taking my
                                                             time when it comes to learning. I like to check the
                                                             dictionary when I don’t understand something. And
                                                             occasionally when I don’t feel like talking, I don’t
                                                             have to be forced to work in groups or in pairs with
                                                             other students. Thus, online course are efficient for
                                                             me and can be for many other students.

                                                             What makes this paragraph strong?
ESL 160 (501)-Spring 09
Ma-Unity and Coherence Review

Revision Guidelines for Unity, Support and Coherence

Questions to ask when editing for Unity, Support and Coherence

Unity (think of unity as the overall structure of your essay):

1. Does my thesis statement give all the controlling ideas that will be discussed in the entire paper?

2. Are all my supporting ideas in the body paragraphs relate to my thesis?

3. Are all ideas in each body paragraph related to the topic sentence?

4. Support: Did I explain how, why and what? And is there enough specific evidence for each of
my point?

Coherence (think of coherence as glue)

1. Do I use transitions and other connecting words or phrases to move smoothly from one
paragraph to the next?

2. Do I use transitions and other connecting words or phrases to tie sentences and key ideas
together within the paragraphs?

3. Do I repeat key ideas throughout the paragraph? (Avoid over use or inconsistent se of “I”, “we”,
“they”, e

Exercise 1: Achieving Unity and Coherence in the Body Paragraphs

Instruction: In groups of four, take turns reading these paragraphs out loud. Together, determine
if the paragraph has support, coherence and unity) Vote for the best paragraph.

Paragraph 1

        1 The punishment of criminals has always been a problem for society. 2 Citizens have had
to decide whether offenders such as first-degree murderers should be killed in a gas chamber,
imprisoned for life, or rehabilitated and given a second chance in society. 3 Many citizens argue
that serious criminals should be executed. 4 They believe that killing criminals will set an example
for others and also rid society of a cumbersome burden. 5 On the other hand, other citizens claim
that no one has the right to take a life and that capital punishment is not a deterrent to crime. 6
They believe that society as well as the criminal is responsible for the crimes and that killing the
criminal does not solve the problems of either society or the criminal.

Paragraph 2

        1 It is a fact that capital punishment is not a deterrent to crime. 2 Statistics show that in
states with capital punishment, murder rates are the same or almost the same as in states without
capital punishment. 3 It is also true that it is more expensive to put a person on death row than in
ESL 160 (501)-Spring 09
Ma-Unity and Coherence Review

life imprisonment because of the costs of maximum security. 4 Unfortunately, capital punishment
has been used unjustly. 5 Statistics show that every execution is of a man and that nine out of ten
are black. 6 So prejudice shows right through.

Paragraph 3:

         1 Many educators believe that college students in the U.S. need writing courses in addition
to their regular university courses in order to succeed academically. 2 Nevertheless, since
university students have the largest investment in their college careers, they should be the ones to
decide if they need additional writing help or not. 3 After all, it is they, not their professors, who
face the consequences of poor academic performance. 4 In addition, students in the universities
should have the opportunity to feel that their academic success is their own responsibility, and is
the result of their own decisions. 5 A good grade in a university course may represent numerous
sacrifices and overcoming of obstacles, from resisting the temptation to spend time with friends
instead of studying, to doing extensive reading and writing in a language that is not one's own. 6 A
final reason that students should be responsible for deciding whether to take writing courses or not
is that they can decide if their majors require writing in the long run. 7 Students who are interested
in fields such fine arts, music and sports may not need writing in their career development. 8 For
these intricate issues to consider, it is for the best interests of the academia that college students
decide their writing needs.

Paragraph 4

        1 According to many practicing engineers and scientists, they spend half of their time
writing memos and reports. 2 However, many college students in other fields do not realize the
importance of writing and show a naïve attitude. 3 You often go into business think your
secretaries will do all major writing tasks for you. 4 In fact, many of us foolishly object to taking
courses in writing. 5 Students going into the technical or scientific fields may think that writing is
something they seldom have to do. 6 Young business people seldom have private secretaries. 7
Our notion that only poets and novelists have to write is unrealistic. 8 Other things being equal, a
person in any field who can express ideas clearly is sure to succeed.

Exercise 2: Editing paragraphs for Unity and Coherence

Instruction: Indicate the sentences that do not belong in the following paragraphs: Then add in
some more concrete supporting ideas.

A. Parents of today’s youth are faced with an increasing dilemma: how to pay for the higher
education of their children. The cost of college is going up. Over the past five years, this cost has
increased 50 percent. Student interest in college is also on the rise. Finding innovative ways to pay
the rising cost of a college education is one of today’s major challenges.

B. You should make every effort to apply the basic punctuation rules to your writing. Do not
forget to separate words in a series by using commas. Also, use commas to separate items in dates
and addresses. Make sure your subjects and verbs agree. Coordinate adjectives provide another
occasion to use the comma. In addition, commas are needed with interrupting and introductory
words or phrases. Avoid using fragments in your writing. A review of the fundamentals of
punctuation will improve your writing.
ESL 160 (501)-Spring 09
Ma-Unity and Coherence Review

C. Several definite guidelines will help in writing a resume. The resume must be typed and only
one page long. The job objective should be clearly defined. It should be noted that a resume is the
same as a data sheet. The wording should be as brief as possible, using phrases rather than
complete sentences. References should not be included. The letter of application is used to ask for
the job interview. Previous salaries should be included. Neatness and appearance are extremely
important. An effective resume will be the results of following these principles.

Exercise 3-Transitions

Instruction: Place parentheses around the topic sentence in each paragraph. Write in the
transitional words.

A. Good presentation skills are critical for success as a manager. Most management positions
require managers to make presentations frequently. _________, many managers are not
comfortable speaking before a group. _________, learning how to make a good presentation is
well worth the effort required.

B. Although visuals are not required for presentations, they do tend to improve presentations.
Listeners can grasp complex concepts easier when visual support is provided. ___________ , the
time spent preparing visuals is usually invested wisely. Effective visuals make a good presentation
even better.

C. A number of organizations have eliminated layers of management positions in the process of
downsizing._____________, the number of individuals seeking management positions is
increasing. Managers with excellent communication skills are in the best position to move up the
career ladder in management. _____________, managers interested in increasing their chance for
promotion will work hard to develop good communication skills.

D. Fast food restaurants have several advantages._____________, their big draw is the time saved.
Customers can walk in the door, walk up to the counter, place an order, and have their lunch in a
matter of minutes. If customers prefer to remain in their cars, they can go through the drive-in
window and eat in the automobile. ______________, the quality of the food is consistent; people
can learn which items on the menu suit them and which ones they can count on.
________________, the prices are usually unbeatable. __________________, fast food restaurants
are attracting more and more customers.

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