MISCARRIAGE by jennyyingdi


                                                While you are learning a lot about death,
6) You can’t believe how sad you feel or        you are also learning a lot about life. There
   how many tears you can cry. Don't try        are joys after—and during—sorrows. Your
   to ignore your feelings. You will be sad,    reading of this information means you are on
   but don’t allow your sadness to control      a path which will lead you through the
   you. Others have survived their grief        struggle to survival. You can survive your
   and in time, you will tool. Happiness        pregnancy loss.
   doesn’t always come easily so nudge
   yourself to find it. Laughter and joy
                                                Miscarriage: Grief and Healing was adapted from
   doesn't dishonor your loss. Finding joys
                                                materials prepared by Jody Earle, Luba
   in one of or choices; focus on joys that
                                                Djurdjinovic and the Educational Materials
   help you to heal.
                                                Advisory Committee of the Ferre Institute.
7) You have the right to remember your          The Ferre Institute is a non-profit
   baby—Your memories are an important          organization dedicated to education about
   part of you life. Healing doesn’t mean
   forgetting or making the memories
                                                infertility.                                      Miscarriage
   insignificant. Healing means refocusing.
   If it is possible, you may see, touch,
   name, and photograph the baby. You
   may wish to save a lock of hair, take a          Learn more about our programs
   footprint, or have a memorial service.           by visiting the following sites:
   You may want to request an autopsy
   and see the report. Later it may be                     infertilityeducation.org               Grief and Healing
   comforting to do something tangible like                       ferre.org
   planting a tree, selecting a special piece
   of jewelry with the birthstone, or
   donating to charity. On the anniversary
   you may want to share a special time
   with your partner.
You Can Survive Pregnancy Loss
Most people have not learned coping skills
for grief and loss. Pregnancy loss may be                Ferre Institute, Inc.
your first personal encounter with death.                    124 Front Street
Surviving a loss is hard work; grief exhausts
your endurance. Healing does happen in                    Binghamton, NY 13905
time. Focus on getting through the grieving               Phone: 607-724-4308
rather than on the suffering. Respect your                  Fax: 607-724-8290
needs, limits, and imperfections. Be                          www.ferre.org
receptive to the caring and support of others
and be patient with their shortcomings.
                                                   (continued)                                       (continued)
       Being expectant usually means you           are unexpected. Setbacks may involve baby
         are eager. Now you have suffered                                                                make quick choices for you; instead, use
                                                   showers, birth experience stories, new                others as sounding boards to help you
           a loss, and you no longer feel          babies, OB/GYN office visits, nursing
             eager. You are feeling more                                                                 decide which options are best for you.
                                                   mothers, thoughtless comments, holidays,
             sadness than you thought              and family reunions. These can gnaw at you        3) You have the right to protect yourself—
             possible. Although each               and wear you down, or you can accept                 There is no reward in punishing yourself.
             person's grief experience is          them as unavoidable temporary annoyances.            For now, avoid those situations that you
             different, in all grief experiences   Working through the grief process is a part          know will be difficult. Don’t wonder if
           there is a sameness. All losses         of your healing. It will not erase the loss.         you’ll make it through the week. Instead,
        represent unfinished plans, broken         You will not forget nor will you be the same         aim to make it through the next hour and
dreams, and a severing from the future             as you were before. You will eventually find         then the next hour.
you anticipated. You have heard about              a comfortable place to tuck the memory of         4) You have the right to take time— Respect
pregnancy losses, but until now you never          your loss.                                           your need for time; hurting and healing
really listened. Personal loss and death
                                                   Your Healing Rights                                  take time. The amount of time needed
may be new territories for you and you're
                                                                                                        varies with each person. No one can do
not certain that you know how to survive.          Fortunately, all of us have a natural desire to      your healing for you. Unfortunately our
The Grief Process                                  heal and to feel better. This is a time to           society resists anything which happens
                                                   respect your needs and instincts, and to be          slowly. Grieving and healing are hard
With any loss, there is a process which            gentle to yourself. Remember that you have           work and can’t be rushed.
consists of three basic steps.                     some specific healing rights.
                                                                                                     5) You have the right to receive support—
1) Shock/Denial—”Oh, no! Not me!”                  1) You have the right to be informed —               Be receptive to those who wish to help
   “Oh, those can’t be blood spots. I’ve              Knowing the facts helps protect you               even though this may not be easy for
   been taking extra good care of myself.”            from being misled. You have the right to          you. Find appropriate support .
2) Anger/Guilt/Depression— “Why me? If                know what happened, be aware of                   Remember that those who care the most
   only I’d…” “I want a baby so much.                 implications for the future, see your             about you may not be the best choices
   Everyone else doesn’t even care and                medical records, expect expertise, take           for support. You shouldn’t have to
   they have perfect pregnancies.” “I’ve              notes and ask questions.                          justify to anyone why you feel the way
   felt sadder this week than ever in my           2) You have the right to make decisions—It           you do. If you feel out of control and
   life.”                                             is your body, your baby, your partner-            can't seem to pull yourself together,
3) Acceptance—”Yes, me. It’s part of my               ship, and your future. It is up to you to         consider seeking help from a counselor,
   life and I have to deal with it. Many              choose whether or not you should be on            therapist or your support group so that
   people lose pregnancies and somehow                a maternity ward, whether you want a              you can be guided through your grieving.
   pull themselves together. Maybe one                private room, whether you would like           6) You have the right to be sad and to be
   of them can give me information                    visitors, and whether you would like an           joyful— After your loss you have many
   about a counselor or group to help                 exception to rules so your partner can            uncomfortable feelings such as weariness,
   me.”                                               stay with you after visiting hours. In            numbness, disappointment, inability to
                                                      addition, you have choices to make                concentrate, betrayal, loneliness,
Each step takes longer to go through than
                                                      about what you’ll do with your                    helplessness, anger, guilt, and emptiness.
the previous one. There are many
                                                      maternity clothes and your baby items.
setbacks; some are anticipated and others                                                                                          (continued)
                                 (continued)          Don’t allow others to be “helpful” and

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