The Wedding Weekend

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					K歌人生         The Wedding Weekend                       that you won't always feel this way.
                                                       lt's the youthful bliss of ignorance.
Take that look of worry, l'm an ordinary man.          And the melancholy of life is that,
They don't tell me nothin', so l find out all l can.   Just like your hair, once it's gone,
There's a fire that's been burning,right outside my    you're never gonna get it back.
l can't see but l feel it, and it helps to keep me     【15 Years Later】
But l, l don't mind.                                   M:Oh my God.
No l, l don't mind...                                  l'm dying.
                                                       l'm actually dying.
M:l guess when l think back on it now,                 l have grey hair here.
we must've looked pretty ridiculous                    This is actual physical proof that l'm dying.
with our ties and our stupid hair.
But you can't imagine what it felt like.               W:Ok but l can't really help you l need to get
To be up there with your best friends,                 to the office early.
totally absorbed in the song, audience cheering
you on...                                              M:l can't believe my body's decaying right in
lt was a peak experience                               front of my eyes.
This was our moment.
We were about to leave college at the top of our       M:Ohhh!
game,                                                  You smell that,!
and it seemed to us like                               Yeah.
there was nothing in the world but possibility.        That's 40 approaching like a giant landfill.
lt was unforgettable.
                                                       W:You know what, you're crazy. The next 20
So take, take me home.                                 years are gonna be theKids, a house...maybe
Cause l don't remember.                                some money to spend finally.
Take, take me home.
Cause l don't remember.                                Yeah, but that's it, l mean once you have kids
Take, take me home.                                    it's over.
Cause l've been a prisoner all my life
And l can say to you...                                M:l mean you go from the on-deck circle,to
Take, take me home.                                    the batter's box, then you're up!
                                                       And then it's like, game over, showers, coffin!
M:What l don't get is why one of those old
guys from the audience                                 W:So you don't want kids because that means
didn't run up and shake us and say,                    you're closer to death,
''Do you have any idea how fleeting this is,''
But l guess they knew that the beauty of it is         M:Yeah. No, no.
not knowing                                            l want kids.
                                                  K 歌人生-1
l Just...
Will you tell me the truth,                           W:So, fucking Kelly Trumbull was what,
ls my hair receeding.                                 You're opening argument,!
Cause l can't tell if it's always been this way
and l Just haven't noticed.                           M:Look, l Just...have a nice life.
                                                      l guess l Just... Jesus, we were married.
W:Yeah, you know, we need to talk about this.
But, l'm gonna be late for work.              W:Oh now he remembers.
Gimme a kiss.
Yes, l love you.                              M:l Just thought...
Don't stay in here all day.
M:Don't...and then...OK!                      What,!

M:Oh, ahh. l've got rehearsal after work
and uh Greg's back from Japan with some big           What do you have to say,
news.                                                 Just take care.
                                                      You deserve better.
W:Great                                               Brilliant.
.                                                     Here's my closing statement; Grow up.
W:Say hi to him for me.                               Get a life. Good-bye.
                                                      Hey mister.
M:Ok. Bye                                             Can you spare some change,
Ok yeah.                                              Buddy, have you ever heard the phrase,
Let's do it. Let's do it.                             ''Location, location, LOCATlON,!''
Oh my God. 4 1/2 inches.                              You don't ask people for money outside divorce
Yeah, well. God Damn!                                 court.
That's gotta be receeding.                            l Just lost half my life savings in there.
                                                      And look at you!
【Christ.】                                             You're wearing NlKE's.
                                                      Guys beg me who wear dry-cleaning bags for
M What are you supposed to say when you get           shoes.
divorced,                                             Twenty-six different people ask me for money
Happy hunting,                                        everyday.
                                                      So you think l'm gonna give my money to you, TO
M:l think it's best we not speak at all.              YOU,!
                                                      Or the guy on the subway who has a friggin
M:This is what l'm saying.                            skateboard for a body!
That we're not going to talk anymore.                 You don't have a prayer, YOU HEAR ME,!
And l Just wanted, l don't know.                      GET A JOB!!!
l Just wanted to make a closing statement.            Hiya folks.
                                                  K 歌人生-2
Don't ask me why l love you so,                       A toast slot,
you're Just too doggone good you know,                Are you putting me on,
l got to, got to, got to have my pork!                Yes l am sir.
YEAH!                                                 You are a MORON!
Sounds great, l think we have it.                     ls Ted in,
Um, what if we tried something,                       Oh.
something cooler, something more modern.              Ha, sorry.
Like a.                                               Hi l'm Geoff Spooner.
Like a bass line first.                               l hope l didn't freak you out.
And then like a...RECORD SCRATCH...                   No, not at all.
l got to have my...BASS... BEAT                       Hi.
BOX...p-p-p-p-pork!                                   l'm Ted's...Tracy.
Yeah,!                                                Tammy.
Somethin',                                            Tammy.
That's it folks.                                      Hi Ted's Tammy.
Thank you.                                            Spooner, SHUUUT UUUP!
Will, could l get a cappuccino before you go,         Uhh, should be out of this in about 20 minutes.
Sure.                                                 l Just have to go explain to my boss how to do his
No problem.                                           Job.
Hey this is David,                                    Hang out in my office.
technical support supervisor, how may l help you.     Can l take your...thing,
Yeah l'm having trouble with my 2130.                 Oh no thanks.
The thingy on the side, the cup-holder,               l don't wear anything under it.
lt doesn't come out anymore.                          lt keeps me cooler.
The cup-holder,                                       But, thank you.
Yeah, you know, the cup-holder, that shoots out the   You understand, it has nothing to do with you,
side.                                                 OR your performance.
l can't get it to open.                               Right Ted,
Sir, that's not...l'm sorry, could you hold please,   No.
Dude, you gotta hear this.                            Understood.
Uhh, yeah uh sir,                                     This happens all the time.
what sort of cups were you putting in there sir,      l know in a few years l'm gonna be coming to you
Regular stuff, coffee cups mostly.                    for aJob, big guy.
Really,                                               Ted.
You never put a Big Gulp in there did you sir,        Uh, what happened,
No sir, l never put a Big Gulp in there!              After today, after today.
Sir, l tell you what, you send your computer back     Consider me gone.
and we're gonna send you the new 2500 version,        Consider me gone, gone, gone, gone...
which has a cupholder, but also has a front-loading   When you're singing you forget what's gone wrong,
toast slot.                                           what you wish you could change.
Really,!                                              And you think of nothing but the moment.
                                                 K 歌人生-3
But then unfortunately the song has to end             This is the real deal.
Oooo, l'm...GONE!                                      Who's the victim,
Shut up!                                               Uh, you might remember her.
And stop singing!                                      Uh Kate.
No one wants to hear your corny shit!                  Kate!!
Ok,                                                    Oh my God l love Kate.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.                              l thought you broke up with her like five times,
Yeah keep going.                                       Well six, but we don't want it to happen again.
AHHHHH!!!!                                             The wedding's gonna be on the 27th, in the
AHHHHHH!!!                                             Hampton's.
Well...Sometimes it's nice to have a mental patient    And we would love it if you guys would sing at the
on your side.                                          service.
Kon bon wa...SHUT UP!                                  Why, would you like to make sure everyone cries,
Oh YOU shut up!                                        Yeah, we really suck, Greg.
Wait a minute.                                         Look you guys can get in shape.
Who are all these old guys,                            lt would be really important to me.
And what have you done with my college buddies,        You guys are my best friends.
Oh f-you very much!                                    Well listen, we could go out a few days early
Uhh, SPOONER.                                          to rehearse at my family's lodge.
What are you wearing,                                  THE LODGE!!
'' A Franciscan penance robe.                          This'll be great.
lt's better than carrying a gun;                       Nah it'll be great.
no one's gonna mess with me looking like this.''       l love being the only single divorced guy
Yeah, except for my assistant who must have a          with all the happy loving couples.
monk fettish,                                          Well if it makes you feel any better,
because she banged him on my desk today.               l won't bring anybody.
What,!                                                 No, it doesn't make me feel ANY better.
How long has this been going on,                       You got laid today Just by showing up somewhere.
l Just met her.                                        l on the other hand am well into the triple digits.
You met her today,                                     Wow.
And she let you nail her on Ted's desk,!               What's your DOC,
Ted can l visit you tomorrow,                          Days of Celebacy, is approaching 500.
Alright this is depressing.                            That's dry.
Greg l believe you have some news for us.              That's Sinai Peninsula dry.
l do Ted.                                              Even l get more than that and l'm unhappily
Fellas.                                                married.
l'm getting' married.                                  Are you,
SHUT UP!!!                                             We'll talk.
When's the baby due,                                   David, would you call Steven for me,
Guys l'm serious.                                      l'd love for him to come out from LA,
l'm serious.                                           but you know... it's still a little awkward.
                                                   K 歌人生-4
Yeah.                                                    Ughh, alright listen, l'll, l'll probably make it,
l'll give him a try.                                     but l have to check with Michelle.
Hey, here's a more important question.                   Oh my God, you're so whipped!!
How do you say shut up in Japanese,                      Oh come on please,
ToJikomeru.                                              You're the most pussy whipped guy l know.
ToJikomeru!!!                                            Uh, no, no.
Shut up!!                                                You can't be pussy-whipped if you're not getting
SHUT UP...                                               any pussy.
And get married!!!                                       That's Kierkegaard, right,
AJuste por favor el seto mas.                            Yes it is.
The grass needs more water.                              ''All right, you win.
La hierba necesita mas agua.                             l'll come to the wedding.
La hierba necesita mas agua.                             Send me an e-mail.
The plant're get dry...                                  Shut it!''
SHUT UP!!!                                               SHUUUTTT UPPPPPAA!
SHUT UP!!!                                               What's going on,
Look, please tell me you didn't call to convince me      l've got a stop sign and he's stopped.
to come to A-hole's wedding.                             lt's a four-way stop.
Oh come on,                                              So who goes,
he's grown up a lot in the last couple years, huh,       Whoever got here first.
People change.                                           l think he did.
No they don't.                                           But he's not going!
We're all Just logical extensions of                     Wave him on.
what we were in college, and that's a fact.              Come on.
Mi arbusto necesita aJustar.                             Oh good! Now he's waving.
Woah, did a Spanish woman Just say something             So go.
about trimming her                                       Ohh, haha.
No. l'm...                                               This is insaine!
Do you have a Latina hooker in your car,                 Who thought of this,!
l'm trying to learn Spanish.                             ''l've got a great idea;
So l can talk to my friggin' gardeners.                  let's let the people who are sealed inside their cars
Well look on the bright side.                            and can communicate only by semaphore decide
You have gardeners, l dream of having gardeners.         democratically who should go!''
l mean Just come for us, huh,                            See this is why there are no stop-signs in all of
l mean, don't worry about Greg.                          Manhattan.
Ya know, this may be the last time we get a chance       Ohh ho, look at this.
to sing together                                         l'M GOlNG!!!
before all the funerals start happening.                 SHlT!
And l mean that's not gonna be much of a party.          l can't believe it.
Well, that depends who dies!                             He hit me.
Haha!                                                    l was at the four-way first mister!
                                                     K 歌人生-5
l went by the rules!                                   of words.
Calm down.                                             Umm, no one, honey.
OK,                                                    You talk about these things with no one.
l'm gonna see if he's alright.                         Am l alone,
'' l'm gonna sue the old man.                          Does anyone talk about these things in public,
l'm gonna sue the state of New York.                   Certainly not in the Hamptons.
l'm gonna find out who invented the foureay            Thank you.
stop and l'm gonna sue them for every penny...!''      Oh TED, you're so uptight.
Hey!                                                   You could pull a freight train with your asshole.
Whooo!                                                 Honest to God Trish.
Foolish air breathers.                                 So Ted, how do your balls feel after a long trip like
Welcome!                                               that,
Oh my God this is amazing!                             Yeah, they're a little sweaty, but they appreciate
This is awesome.                                       your concern.
lt's like Eden out here.                               We done with my balls,
Without all the snakes l hope.                         Yeah.
Shut up.                                               OK.
No, No.                                                Ooo's and ahhh's as they walk through the house.
You shut it.                                           Ok guys.
Ok l will do that.                                     The master suite.
Trish could you stop doin' that please.                Oh look we have a deck!
l can't help it.                                       You guys are gonna dig this one.
l don't know what's going on today,                    Ahhh!
but my pussy sure is itchy!                            Oh my gosh it's beautiful!
Trish, for Chrissakes'.                                Look at the ocean...WOW!
l apologize Dana.                                      Yeah, this one's super cozy.
l don't know what is happening,                        Here you go.
lt happens to the best of us.                          Great.
Yeah it's not like l'm like not clean down there.      Really, it's great.
l'm like totally anal about it.                        EnJoy.
Trish, l mean could you stop acting like you're        l should never leave Manhattan.
eight for one second,                                  Will, please SHUT UP!
Nobody wants to hear this.                             Fellini.
Oh please.                                             The Lodge, there it is!
Well could you not act like a repressed Republican     There it is and it's all yours.
for a change,                                          Hi.
These are our closest friends.                         Hi.
lf you can't talk about your most personal issues      Geoffrey Gibson Spooner.
with them,                                             This is Julep Hardy.
who are you supposed to talk about em with,            What kind of a name is ''Julep'',
l'm not sure that 'issues' is maybe the right choice   Well it's a drink, right,
                                                  K 歌人生-6
Yeah.                                                 Dana and Trish.
Maybe her parents were alcoholics.                    Hi.
ltJust kinda evolved over the years.                  Umm, you don't have to do the 'shut up' thing with
You may need a translator over the next couple of     me.
days.                                                 Ok.
Since when does Will have a girlfriend,               Or with me!
l thought he was a fudge-packer.                      Ok. Haha.
Trish!                                                Nice to meet you.
Jesus.                                                So is 'Julep', is that your real name,
What,!                                                Trish!
You're the one that told me that.                     No, l was Just.
No l never said that honey.                           l thought it was maybe like a nickname or
Never said it.                                        something.
Yes you did!                                          Nope, it's on the driver's license and evertything.
You're such a liar.                                   l don't know what they were thinking.
You're always acting like l'm the crazy one,          They,
but at least l'm honest.                              The orphanage at the trailer park.
Well is he gay,                                       Just teasin' ya'll.
'' Yeah, well he was out for like a day.              Beach time!
He's like the groundhog of homosexuals;               Stop workin', corporate tool.
he came out of the closet one morning,                Aren't we supposed to rehearse,
see's his gay shadow, and he goes right back in.''    No come on, it's gorgeous!
Well l Just hope Julep's not a shrew like Michelle.   Yeah, but we suck.
We don't need anymore of that around the house.       Why don't you remember that,
Trish, would you stop Judging people for one          Oh my GOD!
second.                                               Wooohoohoo!
What would happen if you did that,                    There he is, Mr. Sunshine!
Ted!                                                  You should Just wear a burka.
Give it a rest.                                       l'm from Manhattan.
Hey!!                                                 Our tribe wears black.
SHUT UP!!!                                            Come on.
Everybody, this is Julep.                             Let's take a walk, huh,!
Julep this is Ted.                                    What is it about Spooner thatJust makes you
Hi.                                                   wanna like rip his clothes off,
Hi Julep, may l take a bag,                           Yeah, he's pretty cute.
This is David and Richard.                            Pretty cute,
Hello.                                                Come on.
Shut up,                                              Ok, you're tellin' me that if...hi!...
l guess,                                              if Spooner came up to you and asked
Nice!                                                 if you wanted to have sex, you'd say 'no',!
Catching on!                                          lt's Spooner.
                                                 K 歌人生-7
l couldn't.                                            Like Minute-Rice.
Besides, he's not my type.                             OW!!!
What,                                                  l hate nature.
Gorgeous, rich, and hung like a Clydesdale is not      You gotta go in, it's so exhilarating.
your type,!                                            Ooo, yes it is.
Hello,                                                 Dana was actually wondering if you'd have sex
We're married.                                         with her.
That part of your brain was supposed to be erased.     What,
Oh really,                                             Umm, yeah, Trish evidentally lost her
Huh, well that part of my brain has not been erased.   edit function a long time ago.
ln fact lately, something cranked up my volume.        Oh really,
l don't know what,                                     Well we could do that.
but my volume has been CRANKED up lately.              But l recommend the swim.
God l envy you.                                        lt's a little less complicated.
You and Dana, you seem great.                          You are such aJerk!
Huh,! Really.                                          What,!'s a little chilly at the moment.             You're gonna get me in trouble.
Ya know,                                               l Just wanted to put it out there for you.
lt's like if you're not buying for the kids,           Put it out there for YOU!
you're not allowed in the candy store.                 Don't mind if l do!
You know what l mean,                                  Don't mind if l do.
Yeah.                                                  -MlCHELLE! -Hey!
l never thought l'd have less sex than when l was      SHUT UP!!!
married.                                               Hey, Hi, SHUT UP!!!
Then l got divorced.                                   Shut UP!!!
You're gonna meet somebody though, you know,           Hollywood!
You're gonna have that great rush of new sex,          Hey everybody.
with a new person.                                     Everybody.
l mean that was fun right,!                            Let me introduce you.
l miss that!                                           This is our nanny, Elsa.
You miss that,!                                        -Hi. -Hi.
Yeah!                                                  l'm a friend of...l'm...l'm David.
You miss the worrying about diseases,                  Oh my God.
And how you stack up to her last lover,                Look at this gorgeous baby.
Who needs it,                                          That's our son Jazz.
My motto is stick with masterbation.                   Oh Jazz!
lt's the greatest invention of all time.      named him Jazz.
No guilt.                                              Oh my God.
No, disappointment.                                    l want one of these so badly.
Everyone goes home a winner.                 're cooked.
lt's perfect everytime.                                Hey Trish!
                                                K 歌人生-8
Nice to see you.                                       Uhh.
Nice to see you!                                       No no no.
Spooner!                                               We haven't seen each other, in a while.
A little housewarming.                                 And he Just got overexcited.
Wow.                                                   What in God's name was that,!
They match the curtains.                               Uhh, that's Elsa.
Yeah, l emailed your brother to                        Our Nanny
find out the color scheme for the kitchen,             That's your nanny,
then l Just did an internet search for farm stands     Michelle let's you have a lingerie model around the
that would be on the route from the airport to here.   house all day,
Thanks.                                                Come on.
Yeah!                                                  She's a kid.
Hey honey.                                             She's like 23.
We also picked up this Pinot at the best local         Some of the best sex l had in my life was with
vineyard.                                              23-year olds.
l always think it's such a fun adventure to try        Yes, when YOU were 23.
indigenous wines.                                      OK, let's sing!
How daring.                                            Dinner's cookin'.
Steven.                                                We got a solid hour.
Yeah.                                                  Solid hour!
Try this.                                              We need weeks.
What is it,                                            Ever the optimist Ted.
Oh it's a Hampton's special.                           By the way, sorry about you and Sheila.
Chai-tea martini.                                      Ahhh, thank you.
lt aligns your chakras while you get wrecked.          For a millisecond l'd actually forgotten about it.
Come on.                                               Could we sing,
Researchers spent more than two years                  Yeah, yeah.
in an outermost region of Gana...                      Ok, let's do, ''The More l See You.''
You loser!                                             F-Sharp.
Sittin' inside watching television,                    l gotta tell you something though.
Oh.                                                    l think we owe it to you.
You've gotta see this show.                            We never liked Sheila.
lt's about Bonobos monkeys.                            Oh here we go!
They, they have sex with each other                    What,!
CONSTANTLY.                                            lt's true.
Family members, everything.                            She wasn't right for you.
Sounds like Spooner's family.                          You're telling me this NOW,!
Thank you.                                             Could we not get into this,
Come here.                                             l can't believe this.
Oooo, ooo, oo, AHHH, AHHH, AHHH!!!                     You guys are my closest friends and none of you
Don't let me interupt you guys.                        had the integrityto tell me what you actually
                                                  K 歌人生-9
thought,!                                               My arms won't free you, and my heart won't try.
lt was awkward.                                         My heart won't TRY!!!
We didn't know what to say.                             Oh my GOD!
We thought we were doing the right thing.               lsn't it amazing how they can be such a bunch of
You had discussions about this,!                        idiots one minute,
Oh yeah!                                                and sound so beautiful the next,
Yeah l mean,                                            '' Blue point oysters and Peconic clams with a
for the past decade the only two topics of              chive beurre blanc dipping sauce!''
conversation                                            Wow!! Outdid yourself.
have been how much we dislike Sheila                    So Spooner, what umm...what do you do in the real
and the size of Spooner's shlong.                       world,
Ok, Ok! This is shocking to me!                         Yeah, it's hard to imagine him with a real Job huh,
Come on buddy.                                          l'm in astrophysics.
lt's over, we love ya, Just calm down,                  Worm-holes.
it's gonna be...Oooo, AHHH, AHHH!                       Dark Matter.
Cut it out!                                             Stuff like that.
Can we Just sing,                                       And you,
Yes! Come on!                                           Same here.
The more l see you, the more l want you.                l'm surprised we haven't met at any,
Somehow this feeling, Just grows and grows,             worm-hole conventions.
with every sigh, l become more mad about you.           Oh! Nice!
More lost without you.                                  Yeah,!
And so it goes.                                         So Ted.
Can you imagine, how much l love you,                   What is your work,
The more l see you.                                     Oh, uhhh.
As years go by.                                         The firm does capital funding, risk asessment,
l know the only one for me, can only be you,            and asset allocation for a group of international...
my arms won't free you, and my heart won't try.         Oh what,!
l suppose the fact that we get together to sing         What'd l miss,
fifteen years                                           Listen, l don't know what the hell he does either.
after anyone really wants to listen                     All l know is it's rock steady
is some kind of feeble attempt                          and the money's there when l need it.
to prove we've ''''still got it,''''                    Ted is like an ATM machine with legs...and a
to tap into the feelings we had then,                   weiner!
that life would be easy                                 Thank you for that.
if we Just hit the right notes or something.            Well l'm still trying the acting thing in New York.
Or maybe we're hoping it'll still help us get laid.''   And um, you know l'm always up for 'the guy in
Can you imagine, how much l love you.                   the turban'.
The more l see you, as years go by.                     'Terrorist #4.'
l know the only one for me, can only be you,            Steven why don't you put Will in one of your
my arms won't free you, and my heart won't try.         shows,
                                                   K 歌人生-10
Oh, well, uhh, you know...                             like figure out a way that
Nah, it's cool man.                                    we don't ever have to take a dump ever again.
No, no.                                                l'm so tired of cleaning up that tar every day.
l mean, l would love to help you, l would.             OK, on that note.
l'm doing mostly documentary stuff lately. So...       Let's toast to Michelle, and all our chefs.
Really,                                                Cheers.
Yeah.                                                  Cheers.
Wow, finally, one of you is doing something with       Here here!
his brain.                                             Really, is there anything
What is it,                                            that matters more in life than good food, and sex,
Well uh, l Just sold a pitch for                       Not even good sex,
a reality show about Vanna White's life.               Just sex,
You're kidding right,                                  Even the worst orgasm l ever had was a good time.
No...NBC Just bought it.                               l'm having one right now.
Her existence is this really cool metaphor             l'm also cleaning my oven.
for solving the puzzles of life, ya know.              You're Just beyond weird.
She's a modern-day Sisyphus Just turning over          Now that we're on the subJect.
letters,                                               l have a little question for everyone.
having the problem solved, and then starting all       Who here has faked an orgasm,
over again.                                            Jamaica,
And get this, it's called; V, blank, N-N, blank.       Oooo!!!
No, it sounds good.                                    Haha, you,!
Hope you're still hungry.                              Now, why does that not surprise me,!
This is roast lacono chicken, with a rosemary          Well, l don't know.
terragon tapenade                                      Sometimes when it goes on for an hour or more,
Wow!! Ahhh!                                            l get a little tired.
She's so queer.                                        An hour,!!!
What, uh.                                              Excuse me.
What do you really do Julep,                           Elsa, l'm Just curious.
Just, you know, PR, nothing life altering.             Did you not raise your hand
Well, nothing we do really is.                         because you're Just too honest to fake one, or...
We're Just specks of dust in cosmic terms.             l don't think we know Elsa well enough
Well that's comforting.                                to be grilling her on her sexual practices.
lt's actually liberating.                              No l mean, it's ok.
Your life can't actually have any real value,          Ya know, l guess, l Just never need to fake.
so why notJust enJoy it,                               l always have the orgasm.
Ok, so why spend millions of dollars                   Elsa, will you help me put the baby to bed,
studying these arcane things like quarks if none of    Sure.
it matters                                             Ehh, sorry.
Yeah, why not study things that help with everyday     lt is Just hilarious to me the way you suddenly
life,                                                  become slobbering idiots the second a pretty
                                                   K 歌人生-11
woman walks in the                                      Ohh...Ohhh.
We were not slobbering idiots.                          Oh my God!
And there already WAS a pretty woman in the             Richard!
room.                                                   You are the most amazing lover ever!
Thank you Will.                                         l'm gonna call my friend Lena to Join us.
lt's too bad my husband couldn't come up with that      Yes.
one.                                                    Call LENA!
OH, there we go.                                        Call Lena to Join us.
Thank you, yes, for making me look like an ass.         God!
Appreciate it.                                          Steven!,
l don't know why that surprises you, Dana.              What,
l mean, for millions of years                           You gotta come check this out.
men's brains have been genetically programmed to        She is beauty incarnate.
go after the most desirable candidate of the            She's a Goddess.
opposite sex                                            We should bow to her.
and try to procreate with them.                         Oh, good morning!
Elsa is one of the most desirable candidates ever       Morning!
created.                                                ls anybody up for a run,
The fact that we didn't gang-bang her on sight          Yeah! l, a...
showed remarkable restraint, l thought.                 Oh!
Oh my God!                                              l'll be right back.
No, no, no.                                             What size are your feet,
He's right.                                             Uh, 10.
He's right.                                             Eleven.
l mean genetically we're about                          Give me your sneakers.
one thousandth of one percent different than            GlVE them!!
those bonobos monkeys, that hump everything in          What, you don't even have sneakers,
sight.                                                  So when was the last time you went running,
Hahaha!!                                                NEVER!
Plus she is hotter than a thousand suns!                But how hard can it be,
She's a nebula.                                         l can WALK, l'm sure l can run.
She's a super-nova.                                     l'll be SUPER fast, let's go RUNNlNG!!!
l don't know which one of you is the most               lsn't the air fantastic,!
immature.                                               Fantastic.
lf you lined up in profile                              Are you ok,!
it would be like a poster for the Descent of Man.       You want to take a break,
l don't know l mean it makes sense to me.               Yeah!
l think she's incredibly hot.                           Nature!
l mean hell if l had a wasker l'd wanna nail her.       l got uh, l got a glucose imbalance or something.
Trish, did you feel that that wasn't helpful,           l'll catch up.
Fghhh, Fghhh, Fghhh! HONK!                              Ok.
                                                    K 歌人生-12
l'll see you back at the house.                      No, look l'm with Richard.
Yeah!                                                l mean how many times do you feel like the
Cough, cough.                                        summerJust started,
Ok.                                                  then it's over,
You guys ready to see where we stand,                Yeah and l look at 28 past the hour
Yeah.                                                and thatJust freaks me out.
Now, l based this timeline on the idea               You know the last 10 minutes of the hour are gonna
that you're going to live until you're 80,           suck,
which is certainly optimistic.                       because you're old and decrepit.
Yeah, l'd cut that in half for Marlboro Man here.    That means there's like 20 quality minutes left in
l'd punch you but l'm too weak.                      our lives.
Anyway.                                              Man.
lf you lay out one day, one year,                    Excuse me.
and one hour against the 80 years of your life       l'm Just curious.
you get these other points of reference.             What does this, do for you,
Ok, so what's the bad news,                          Oh, it uh, ya know, helps me get a grip.
Where are we now,                                    lt sort of lets me know where l stand,
Ok.                                                  and how much time l have left.
Our average age, 36.                                 Time for what,
Ya know,                                             To, uh, to make something of myself, of my life.
Old Man River and Baby-Face Nelson here cancel       ls it helpful,
each other out.                                      Do you do anything about it,
So that puts us at...                                Not yet.
June 19th of the year, 11;22 AM in the day,          You know there,
and 28 past in the hour.                             there are pretty well proven methods for living a
That's interesting, l like that, 11;22.              longer life,
l like the feeling of 11;22 in the morning,          if that's what ya'll are after.
l feel like l've got the whole day ahead of me.      Like uh, working out.
Yeah, but it's almost noon, and that's the peak.     Do ya'll work out,
And that's when the sun starts to go down.           No, NO!
Yeah and June 19th,                                  lt takes too much time.
the longest day of the year is Just 2 days away,     WHAT,!
and then itJust gets shorter, and shorter,           Well, you know, he's right.
l wish it was still like, like May.                  You got to figure you work out 3 hours a week,
WOW!                                                 times 52 weeks, times 80 years.
What is wrong with you guys,!                        That's like...
June 19th is great, you've got the whole summer      that's like 17 and a half months spent in the gym.
ahead of you.                                        lt would have to add like a year and a halfJust to
And then you've got the beauty of fall,              break even.
and then way down the road you've got winter, old    l don't think those are great odds.
age.                                                 Speaking up.
                                                 K 歌人生-13
There's no reason to step foot in a gym.               Dead man walking!!!
l want to live my life NOW.                            l'm sorry, it was aJoke baby.
While l can.                                           What's up Richard,
Before the ear, and the nose hair start to suffocate   Hey, are you limping,
me.                                                    Yeah, l kind of pulled every muscle
Oh my God, that stuff is terrible.                     in my leg this morning, it's a long story.
Heads up.                                              What's up D,!
lt's probably nothing, but l've got some weird         Hey pal!
lumps.                                                 What's with you,
Anybody,                                               Hey! Muah.
They're harmless right,                                You come 3,000 miles, you can't even say hello,
Ok, that's nothing.                                    Look, l came for those guys.
Look at this.                                          Alright. Not you.
Receding hairline, four inches.                        You know what,
l measured.                                            Let's get Guiness on the phone and see
Oh my God.                                             if this breaks a record for world's longest grudge.
That is Just truly awful.                              Well what can l say,
ls mine, like...                                       l have a low tolerance for backstabbing assholes.
Ok, ya'll have to stop.                                Huh,!
Listen to yourselves, you sound like your 85 years     Well lucky for you l have a HlGH tolerance for
old.                                                   petty,
Just walk away.                                        insecure, douche-bags who can't let it go.
lt's like a black hole of neurosis.                    Hah. Hah.
lf you get sucked in you'll never get out.             Think Steven will punch him,
Receeding hairline,                                    No, no.
That's your biggest issue,                             l don't think he's still that mad.
For real,                                              Ooo!
Ya'll ever heard of cancer,                            Oh! l underestimated him.
Like, child abuse,                                     Hey, hey, hey, hey!!!
Poverty,...                                            Come on man, turn the page!
OK, you have no idea what truly awful means.           Don't be surprised if l kick our ass DURlNG the
Well you guys still get good wood right,               wedding.
Oh yeah!                                               Whatever!
Of course.                                             Steven!
You know, when l wake up.                              What is wrong with you,!
Uh Gentlemen!                                          You're not kicking anyone's ass!
lt's tee time!                                         How do you think it makes me feel that you're still
Ohh!!                                                  upset about
Haha!!                                                 a girlfriend he stole from you 12 years ago,!
The man of the hour!                                   Ohh!!!
Shut UP!                                               She is good.
                                                  K 歌人生-14
Do you wish you were still with her,                  She is...the girl in the mini.
ls that the problem,                                  The girl in the mini.
Maybe l should kick YOUR ass!                         The girl in the mini.
Michelle. Michelle!                                   Wha, what is the girl in the mini,
l feel bad watching.                                  Uh, about five years ago.
Uh huh, l feel bad too.                               The three of us were walking downtown.
But it's so good to watch.                            And...this girl, this uh...this woman,
Richard.                                              she comes around the corner driving in a red mini.
l'm not sure l understand this group of people.       l don't know, she was about 24.
You are friends.                                      She was wearing this white, sleeveless dress.
Yes,                                                  You could see her smooth tan shoulders.
Mmmm, more like a dysfunctional family.               Her long sun-bleached hair was flowing.
Ow!                                                   l, l don't know, it was like, it was late in the day,
Your leg is hurt,                                     it was that magic hour, and she was Just,
No, no...No, no, l'm fine.                            she was lit like a movie star.
You know, maybe l could give you a little massage     And she turned, and she smiled at us.
later.                                                i could have sworn it was in slow motion.
l'm Swedish you know,                                 l mean that one smile,
l know.                                               you could tell that she was the coolest girl,
l know.                                               the sexiest creature.
With a chance to make a birdie, and take the lead     The kinda girl who would be in on all yourJokes,
here,                                                 who likes a good burger,
Spooner's really taking his time.                     who would take care of you no matter what.
200                                                   And who would frequently be unable to control her
l'm surprised that he's going with the 200,           lust for you.
the heavier frisbee, being this close to the pin.     l don't know, the whole thing lasted, what,
He's completely baked on gonJa,                       Three seconds,
so he probably doesn't know what he's doing.          But we will never forget her.
Yeah baby!!                                           See that's the problem,
OH MY GOD!!!                                          knowing something like that is out there.
Yes!                                                  lt's, evil.
Spooner sits atop the leaderboard!!!                  lt's the Elsa's of the world.
Bow, bow for me.                                      They're everywhere.
THAT'S how you throw a frisbee.                       Ya know,
Thank you my friend.                                  They're in the elevator, on the street,
Yes!                                                  at a hotel in Miami Beach.
You know what she is,                                 They, they Just get in there,
Who, What,                                            they infect you, they're like, heroin.
That, the nanny, Elsa.                                Ok, uh, reality check, amazing.
Uh, no.                                               And you're going to get up there, and you're going
What is she,                                          to say l do.
                                                  K 歌人生-15
And then you're going to SHUT...UP.                   with all your limbs and orifi fully functioning.
Hah...alright, alright.                               And you're going to WlSH TO GOD that you could
Damn straight.                                        get this back.
Now let's get wasted.                                 God l love this song.
And celebrate.                                        Oh my God, look at that.
Yeah! Ohhh!                                           That is the most romantic thing l have ever seen.
KATE!                                                 l'm sitting! What is going on,
Yeah!                                                 bum-bah beat
That was awesome.                                     ln honor of the horrendous way your life has
Great!                                                regressed.
Hey, thank God her name isn't ''Sussudio''.           We'd like to offer you these words of wisdom
Or Kyrie.                                             from the great philosopher, Dennis Leary.
Aww!!                                                 Life's gonna suck when you grow up,
What's ''Kyrie'',                                     when you grow up, when you grow up.
''Kyrie'' - Mister Mister.                            Life's gonna suck when you grow up,
Worst song of all-time.                               it sucks pretty bad right now!
Kyrie eleison, down the road that l must travel.      Woooo!!!
Nice!                                                 Shut UP!!!!
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night.     This is so...humiliating.
Hey shut it, shut it!                                 l didn't think l could feel WORSE about myself,
So...are we going to talk about it,                   but now l see, there's room, to go LOWER, so...
l guess so, yeah.                                     What is this D-O-C,
What exactly are you afraid of,                       Days of celibacy.
l don't know.                                         ln other words, he hasn't gotten laid for TWO
Everything, you know.                                 years.
All of it.                                            No sex in two years...Oh my God.
Losing my hair, of uh, not getting anything done,     Could you help a brother out Elsa,
missing out on the good life.                         Alright, a toast
l'm going to pee six times a night.                   To Richard's lonely member.
Not being able to get it up.                          And to all the lonely members, out there, in the
Well, you haven't had to worry about that yet.        desert.
Please, not in front of the boy.                      May they find safe harbor, soon.
But, you are wasting the time you have now,           Here here! Cheers!
worrying about the future.                            Did we Just toast to penises,
l mean someday, you're going to be sitting in a       lt's kind of a weird group, isn't it,
retirement home,                                      OK, listen, guys.
eating your dinner, through a straw.                  We have to get him laid.
And you're going to think about this moment.          What,
Right here, right now, walking on this road with      The poor guy's unit's gonna turn to dust.
me.                                                   The question lS, ''do we go for a local girl,''
Spending the weekend with your best friends,          Which could take a lot of effort, and not have a
                                                  K 歌人生-16
guaranteed payoff.                                       l'll dance with you.
Or should we Just hire a pro,                            You WlLL,!
No.                                                      See you later, loser!!
We've got to go pro.                                     Yeah!!
Yeah.                                                    There you go!
l mean, ya know if this guy gets reJected in this        Take a shot!
delicate state,                                          She need take a shot!
he's...going to...implode.                               Don't mind if l do!
Do we, do we even know if there are hookers in the       That's what you need, you need another drink.
Hamptons,!                                               Perfect, great.
Oh yeah.                                                 Come on Trish, this is enough, let's go.
Their vaginas have Kate Spade labels.                    Trish, it's not funny OK,
That's, that's on the edge.                              Cut it out.
Ok, no one wins with comments like that.                 Great, terrific.
Of course they have hookers!                             Trish you're acting like a FRlCKlN' WHORE!!!
l mean everywhere you have HUMAN BElNGS,                 Are you out of your mind,!!!
you have hookers.                                        Let's...let'!
Alright, well l'm gonna ask around.                      Let go of me!!!
Well make sure he's ready before you decide to           You're HURTlNG me!!
have kids.                                               Rull yourself...
Steven is so involved in his work,                       What the hell are you doing Trish,!
he never has tome to spend with the baby.                Huh,
Hey, hey, hey.                                           What is going through your head,
l heard that.                                            Are you trying to humiliate me,!
l spend plenty of quality time with the little nipper.   Um, no Ted.
Steven, it is not exactly quality time                   l think you do that pretty well by yourself.
to park the stroller next to you,                        That's terrific.
while you hit a bucket of golf balls.                    l was Just trying to have a little fun in there,
What is Spooner doing,                                   you ever heard of that,!
Trying to insite a hate crime,                           FUN,!
Something like that.                                     What is your idea of FUN,!
Oooo!                                                    Grinding some stranger with a trucker-hat,
l LOVE THlS SONG!!!                                      Trish, is that FUN,!
Ted, let's dance!!                                       Well at least l got a rise out of somebody.
Trish l'm not dancing.                                   FUCK YOU!
Nobody's dancing.                                        l HATE YOU!!!
lt's not that kind of place.                             You ok,
Who gives a SHlT!!!                                      No.
Come ON!!!!                                              What happened,
Let's have some fun!                                     l'll tell you about it later.
COME ON!!!                                               Hide in the car.
                                                  K 歌人生-17
What did you say,!                                     l'll say something.
Son of a...!                                           Would you girls PLEASE, SHUT UP, and stop
Come on!                                               whining.
What the..HlT!                                         l'm trying to read.
What the fu...                                         Sorry
Wait a second.                                         Thank you.
Where are those guys going,                            Keep your back to the wall dude.
Who cares,!                                            This is NOT a good place to be wearing a sarong.
l could use a break from those idiots.                 Hey, that's a hell of a voice you got there man.
This is it.                                            We're singers.
What are we doing here,                                You sing,
Are we getting shrooms,                                Yeah.
No...But that's a genius idea.                         Some.
Damn l can't take hallucinogens anymore, l'm a         Uh, you guys know any Barry Manalow,
Dad.                                                   Surprisingly no.
Well, that's one more reason not to have kids.         Uhhh, Ok uhh.
We are all set.                                        How bout a, ''Workin' ln A Cole Mine'',
Set for what,                                          Yeah!
You'll thank us later!                                 That's my boy Spooner's song.
What the hell,                                         Alright.
Oh!                                                    Lead us!
They set us up.                                        Follow Me.
Alright, Pal.                                          l been workin in a coal mine, goin' down, down,
Yeah.                                                  workin in a coal mine,
l didn't have anything to do with this.                Woops my body slipped down...
l didn't even want a hooker!                           Five o-clock in the mornin', up before the sun.
l'm a lawyer!!                                         When the work day is over,
Dana's gonna kill me.                                  well l'm too tired for havin' fun...
Michelle's gonna serve mine on a silver platter.       workin in a coal mine, doin down down
Bet they'll be beautifully presented though.           Woo! lt's cold in HERE!!!
What is it with you and Michelle,                      Here's his solo!!!
lt's notJust me.                                       l been workin in a coal mine, goin down, down...
What,!                                                 workin in a coal mine whoops my body slipped
Richard.                                               down,
lf we're going to be honest Steven.                    workin in a coal mine, goin down down,
What,!                                                 workin in a coal mine,
You're trying to tell me this is like Sheila,          WHOOPS, my body slipped
WHAT,!!!                                               DOOOOWWWWNN!!
None of you like Michelle,!                            YEAH!!!
That's ridiculous, why didn't you guys say             Woooo!!! YEAH! So AWESOME!!
anything,                                              DANA!!!
                                                   K 歌人生-18
Oh. Hey. Sorry baby.                                 Yeah the water's going to be FREEZlNG!!
Where's Richard,                                     Well, in Sweden, we swim when there's snow
Uh...they had to..uh they had to keep him over       outside.
night.                                               See.
There's a warrant out for his arrest.                Alright, be my guest.
A warrant, For what,                                 l'll stay with the baby.
There was a little incident at a four-way,           Ok, l'll try it.
the guy said he was fine, so we left,                Awesome!
but he got a plate number...                         Let's do it.
You left the scene of an accident,!!                 l'm in.
lt was a busted headlight.                           Let's do this.
Oh come...                                           Come on.
Shut up.                                             Mmm, you know what that means,
What, what,                                          Spooner is going to be naked.
What's so funny,                                     LET'S GO!
We tried to get Richard laid, and he ended up in     Come ON!
Jail.                                                Go! Go! Go!
Let's hope he doesn't get laid in there.             Hurry!
l swear to God you guys are a bunch of morons.       Come on! Wooo!!
Come on.                                             Hey!
Ahh, we're sorry.                                    Wait for me!
Hi.                                                  Come on you guys.
So how was prison,                                   We're not letting that skinny Scandinavian bitch
Anybody get anally raped,                            have all the fun.
Sadly, no.                                           Let's go!
Ohh! What's that sound,!                             Wooo!!! lt's so cold!!! Wooha!
That's the sound of Ted not chastising Trish         Spooner!! Come over here, it's freezing, l need
for an off-color remark!                             you!
Where is he,                                         Woooo!
l don't know.                                        Are you freezing,
Who cares,                                           l'm freezing.
l hope he went back to New York.                     Let's go inside and get warmed up.
l really can't stand to see him right now.           ok.
Here, l'll get you some ice for that.                So, why did the police try to Jail you in the first
Oh, that's ok.                                       place,
Well guys, it's a full moon.                         Oh, well uh.
House rules, every full moon of summer, we skinny    We were trying to help Richard out with his, uh,
dip.                                                 problem.
We have a wedding in 8 hours.                        The D-O-C,
10 hours,                                            Yeah, so we tried to hire somebody, but that's uh...
l think that we should go to bed.                    lllegal.
                                                 K 歌人生-19
But it's definitely worth risking your career          And sweet.
to get your friend laid.                               Elsa.
Right,                                                 l'm Just curious.
What career,                                           lf l wasn't married.
Exactly.                                               Would you ever consider going with someone like
You know that l've always wanted to have sex with      me,
you, right,                                            Look.
l love your subtlety                                   l tell you something very important.
l don't know.                                          You...are very old.
l mean l don't think we should go through              And very ugly.
life lying and playing games.                          Now go have sex with your wife.
You know l have got to tell you, l admire that about   What the fuck are you guys doing,
you.                                                   Shhh.
You always know where you stand.                       Ahh, ahh, ahh. Oh Spooner!
So what do ya say,                                     l bet that bastard is banging Trish.
l mean you're the one that said we're Just specs of    Or Elsa.
dust.                                                  Or both.
So what does it matter what we do,                     Somebody's getting good tonight!
lt's going to matter.                                  Who is that,!
l'm sorry.                                             l'm Jealous.
l didn't mean to bring it up.                          We thought it was you.
No it's fine.                                          Oh please.
lt's about something else.                             Ted's last good erection was the night Al Gore lost.
Hey!                                                   Who said anything about Ted,
You're out!                                            Oh, Spooner, YES!
What'd you do,                                         God, Elsa!
You bust out of the Hamptons penitentiary,             Oh, of course.
No.                                                    Why do only the hotties get to have sex,
They let me out to make room for some dangerous        Oh Spooner that's soo good!
publicists.                                            Did somebody call for me,
You know... l think Richard is so funny.               lt's Steven and Michelle role playing.
l like that.                                           Wow.
l could help him out with that D-O-C if he wants.      l swear, l am more impressed with that girl
Really,!                                               everyday.
l mean you would actually do that,                     Ohh! Ohh!! Yes!!! Spooner!! Yes!!
Yeah, sure.                                            Glad l could be of help.
lt's no big deal.                                      Goodnight everybody.
l'm from Europe.                                       Night.
We enJoy sex.                                          Ted!
l have got to travel more.                             What was that,
Well you're funny too.                                 Sweety, call 911.
                                                K 歌人生-20
Go, go, go.                                         This is probably the best thing that ever happened
What the hell were you thinking,!                   to you.
You could have killed me!                           And you still have Trish.
l know! l know!                                     Jesus Christ Trish.
l'm sorr...FUCK!                                    Trish, have you ever known two people
l even screwed this up.                             more ill suited than me and Trish, have you ever
What the hell happened,                             met them,
Ted was trying to kill himself and he shot me       No.
instead.                                            But l thought that was your thing.
What,!                                              Ying and Yang.
You know, none of this would have happened Ted      Butch and Sundance.
if you'd gotten your Rifelry Merit Badge.           Peaches and Herb.
Hey SHUT THE FUCK UP it's not funny                 Trish was pregnant, when we got married.
Richard!!!                                          And then she lost the baby.
Yeah seriously, shut the fuck up Richard.           l never told you that.
Take Will inside, put pressure on the wound.        l'm sorry.
Ted, put the fucking gun down.                      But l do love her man.
OK!                                                 And l don't even care that she's probably been with
Alright.                                            other guys.
lt's ok.                                            You know, l Just don't want to be alone.
Why Ted,                                            And she's definitely going to leave me now
Come on.                                            that l don't have aJob, l know it.
Why are you going to kill yourself,                 l know it.
l don't want to...                                  Cause that's the only thing l'm good for,
l was fired.                                        l'm good for uh, working and making money.
Alright.                                            Jesus Christ Ted.
What,!                                              You'll get anotherJob.
l lost my Job, l was fired.                         And Trish isn't going anywhere.
They fired me Wednesday.                            You could have talked to somebody before it came
l thought you were working this whole time.         to this.
No, l was trying to get anotherJob.                 You need therapy.
l was hoping l could Just tell everyone             And l'm not talking even like twice a week.
l was going on to a new Job.                        Like l think you might need sleep-away therapy.
But OK, that's what happened, now noone's going     l think you might need Camp Jung.
to hire me.                                         Perspective is everything.
You spend two whole days emailing people from       You have this barrel of friends who fucking adore
out of town,                                        you man.
and now you KNOW that noone's gonna hire you.       And all your limbs and orifi are fully functioning.
That's FUCKlNG ridiculous.                          There's other things you don't know.
Ted it's a friggin JOB.                             Oh my God!!
You said you hated yourJob.                         You scared the crap out of me!!
                                                K 歌人生-21
l'm sorry man.                                     l uh, uh, lifted too many beers, l guess
This is my vacation!!!                             God we are getting old huh,
lt's not a picnic in here either pal.              Oh he came back huh,
Ah!!                                               How long have they been out there.
Go with Will to the hospital.                      About a half an hour.
You'll feel better.                                Really,
Alright.                                           Trish can l talk to you for a second,
Shh.                                               Sure.
Oh my God.                                         He ok,
Even his suicide note is boring.                   Oh he's going to be fine.
Come on.                                           So who's up for a wedding,
Spooner!                                           Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh.
What,!                                             One-Two-Three-Four-Five Four-Three-Two-One
What happened,                                     Should we go out there or what,
What time is it,                                   Uh, Greg's not here.
lt's 6;30.                                         Oh come on, he's not going to bail is he,
Where, where's the paper,                          l came all the way from LA.
l have to have the Sunday New York Times.          Yeah it would be awful for YOU if this fell through
lt's my religion.                                  wouldn't it,
You don't get it delivered,                        Did you speak to his brother,
They don't deliver here.                           Um, Yeah.
No, no, no, this is probably one of those God      He said Greg left the house, about two hours ago.
foresaken places                                   Oh boy.
where you have to get up at dawn and fight         Oh shi...
for a copy because they only get rationed a few.   God, it's so beautiful.
And every weekender is desperate to                lt is, but l am starting to fry.
have the New York Times to read on the beach.      l don't understand why it hasn't started yet.
Why did l leave MANHATTAN,                         They should have used gardenyas instead of those
Shit they're probably sold out already.            lilllies.
The store doesn't open til 8.                      lt would have smelled better.
Get out, GO! Out!                                  l thought you would be a little looser
Oooo.                                              after getting the high hard one last night.
Good morning everybody.                            Trish!!!
Morning.                                           Sorry, were we too loud,
Oh my god l feel great.                            Oh Spooner!
l should drink tequilla more often,                l'm cumming!
l slept like a dead person last night.             l'm cumming! Ah!!
Would anybody like some more coffee,               You're doing this now,!
l'll have some thanks.                             Alright.
There you go.                                      Great, thanks.
What happened to you,                              Well that was his brother,
                                               K 歌人生-22
Uh Greg Just arrived and ran upstairs to see Kate.      Ok, l don't get enough sex.
Oh God.                                                 They have their quarks, their idiosynchrosies,
You think he'd really call it off,                      their weaknesses, but so do we, l mean we're lucky
l don't know.                                           to have them.
This is our fault you know.                             Yeah. Yeah, we are.
Wait, how is this our fault,                            And l mean it's not like you're a perfect catch either
Well, look at us.                                       there pal,
We're the worst advertisement for marriage              we've both have been your roommate, OK,
imaginable.                                             That's not pretty.
We let him think it leads to a life of arguments,       l mean, you've got the back hair.
cheating, divorce, suicide.                             And um, there's, there's the snoring.
No sex.                                                 Yeah you blow your nose in the shower,
l would have bailed too if l were him.                  you wear black undereear.
That's ridiculous, we still love our wives.             You drive a '92 Jetta and you still listen to Ace of
Maybe one of you should have told him that.             Bass.
Greg, Greg, Greg!                                       Kate is completely out of your league, you're a
Quick quick!                                            douche.
You cannot see the bride before the wedding.            You're a dirt bag.
Guys, l'm not!                                          Wow, that's really, that's touching stuff guys.
No, no.                                                 You should save some of that for the toast.
l'm Not!                                                Really.
Guys!                                                   Kate is the girl of your dreams.
What are you,                                           Kate is your girl in the mini.
Guys, would you please!                                 Guys...l know.
Uh, uh, OK.                                             l went to get her this watch, it belonged to my
Listen to me.                                           Grandmother,
lt's ok...that you're freaking out right now.           and Kate needed something old before we could
l mean you're about to Jump off a thousand foot         start the wedding.
cliff,                                                  That's all.
you have no idea what's at the bottom.                  Wait a minute, so you... so you weren't freaking
That's not helpful.                                     out,
Guys, guys, listen. l'm...                              No, l wasn't.
Shhh, shhh.                                             But it was really sweet of you guys
Greg, Greg, there's something l didn't tell you.        to come running up the stairs,
l assumed you knew but l feel like l shoulda said       and grab me, and throw me in the room.
something.                                              lt was really dramatic.
l love my wife.                                         Now would you... would you shut up and sing!
And l love mine.                                        Sweety!
Of course they drive us crazy.                          l'm not looking.
Of course we don't get enough sex.                      Thanks.
Well, l mean...                                         l love you.
                                                    K 歌人生-23
l love you too... l'll see ya out there.                  your garden.
Not for a year, but ever and a dayyyy.                    So to Greg and to Kate, may you be eachother's
the radio and the telephone,                              mulch,
and the movies that we know may Just be passing           and may your garden always grow.
fancies.                                                  Salud!
And in time may goooo, but oh my dear, our love is        Thank you, ah, Richard.
here,                                                     Uh, we'd like to end uh,
to stay, our love is here to stay, together we, going a   with a song that reminds us how precious and rare
long long way.                                            love is.
ln time the Rockies may crumble, Jabraltor may            Whether it be between a husband and a wife,
tumble,                                                   a family, orJust old friends.
they're only made of clay, but, Our love is here, to      Ooooo, how much do l love you,
stayyyyy!                                                 l'll tell you no lie.
Everybody, everybody.                                     How deep is the ocean,
May l have your attention please,                         How high is the sky,
Thank you.                                                How many times a day do l think...
lt only makes sense that l should give the toast,         And then it happened again.
since l am the most recently divorced person here.        l looked around at those faces,
Haha, l don't understand.                                 the faces of the most important people in my life.
l mean, would you invite a Nazi to speak at your          And l realized, THlS is one of those peak
Bar-Mitzvah,                                              experiences.
l don't get it.                                           l can still have them,
What am l doing here,                                     and l don't have to be 20 years old.
And then, l figured maybe this, maybe this is the         Suddenly, the fact that its 28 past the hour,
right thing.                                              11;22 in the day,
Maybe, maybe l can be some kind of scared                 and the 19th of June in the year of my life
straight program for newlyweds.                           seemed perfectly acceptable, even Joyous.
37, divorced, childless, don't let this happen to         For the first time, in a long time, i felt lucky.
YOU!                                                      Just plain lucky.
But then, the truth is, is that, marriage takes work.     And if l ever lost you, how much would l cry,
Marriage, marriage is like an orchid,                     How deep is the ocean,
it's delicate and beautiful, and you gotta weed it,       How high is the...skyyyyy....
and even spread a little maneur on it from time to        how high is the skyyyyyyy
time.                                                     Hey Richard.
And if you forget to water it for l don't know,           l found these amazing old tapes for the ride home.
say six and a half years, it tends to die.                The Nuremberg Trials; Volume Six,
But if you water it everyday, and give it your love,      Hey does anybody else have room in their car for
and your attention.                                       Spooner,
lt's gonna flourish, and it's gonna fill your life with   So you know we're going to call ya, a lot.
beauty,                                                   l'll be fine, l, that was ridiculous,
and soon you'll have little orchids running around        and you know what... l'm sorry l shot you.
                                                   K 歌人生-24
Where's your stuff,                                  Are you sure it's ok,
Trish and l are gonna hang here for a few more       Yes of course.
days.                                                You should go.
We need some time together.                          See New York. We will be fine.
Spooner's idea.                                      Ah, hand him over.
lt'll be therapeutic.                                Now let's go home.
lt's Camp Jung!                                      Elsa's going home with Spooner,
Hey do you mind if l ask you,                        Um, she's... she's going to go home with me.
l don't want this to sound weird or anything.        Really,!
No what,                                             Really.
ls he...                                   She's never seen New York.
What,                                                And l'm going to show her around for,
ls he the one,                                       for a couple days.
No.                                                  Really,!!
ls he gay,                                           Yeah!
Gay,,!!                                              l guess they don't have, uh, ugly guys in Sweden.
Noooo.                                               l'm exotic to her, or something.
You know, he's uhh, he's...l mean unless             Godspeed.
he's the greatest actor that ever lived, no.         You lucky bastard!!
He's definitely, not gay.                            Eh!
Really,!                                             That's puke.
Really.                                              Ok.
Huh.                                                 Get out of here.
That is interesting.                                 lt was nice to meet you.
Ohh, little baby!                                    Nice to meet you.
l wish l could take you home with me.                Goodbye.
Hey.                                                 Bye.
Hey!                                                 let's go!
David, do you want to hold him,                      Shut up!!!
Uh, yeah, sure, l guess.                             SHUT lT!!!
Hey.                                                 l see that mouth open, SHUT lT!
Oh!                                                  SHUT UP!!
How ya doing!!                                       l need you to stop breathing, and cease living, all of
Aren't you cute,!                                    you!
You're a cute baby is what you...                    SHUT UP!!
Oh! Uh oh!!                                          Drive safely!
l'm so sorry.                                        ZlP lT!!!!
l should of told you, he Just had a bottle.          What are you doing,
lt's ok.                                             Come to bed.
l should have told you.                              l'm making some plans.
No, it's alright.                                    Plans,! Hah.
                                                 K 歌人生-25
Since when do you plan anything,
Design Plans.
l figure uh, your brother could come in,
and put up a wall, and a door,
maybe make the dining L into a second bedroom.
What are you talking about,
l'm talking about uh, moving from on deck circle,
to batter's box.
l'm talking about getting puked on a lot more often.
You want to dance,

                                                K 歌人生-26

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