Cops 1 Cops are your friends. Scratch that. Cops are your superiors, and you are jealous of the power these jack-booted thugs wield. Rage Against the Machine, a highly overrated crap rock band, recently organized a concert to benefit a convicted cop killer. The group, desiring to shake up "oppressive" governments that dole out too much power to former high school bullies, ultimately would like to see a government that doles out too much power to pseudo-intellectuals who read Karl Marx at too young of an age. Rage and its followers are not trying to spark serious change; they want to see their own beliefs instituted, with little regard to opponents. Nothing would change other than the leaders would wear baggy jeans. Rage sings about "Freedommmmmmmmmm," but only for those who agree with their beliefs. Cops are not interested in seeing the death penalty eradicated, so they are the enemy. But they are the enemy with a license to kill. And this group of faux-intellectual revolutionaries are shitting themselves that they have no discernible power or influence. Frat boys who blast their music while pulling a train on a drunken freshman could not care less about Mumia Abu Jamal. No 17-year-old took up arms and joined the Zapatistas in their struggle. They may have visited Cancun and got wasted, but that was the closest they were to Chiapas. Rage cannot affect lives the way cops can. Cops can barge into your house at 2 a.m., steal 30 of your 100 decks of heroin and no one will be the wiser. Cops can ram a plunger up your ass, and there is no citizen's review board in the country that can repair the damage. Cops can pull you over on a trumped-up motor vehicle violation because they do not like the way you look … and what are you gawking at, son, do you think you can change the status quo with your dreadlocks and "people of the sun" bullshit? Neanderthals with an alcoholism gene and a primal urge to slap their cunt-bitch wives have the power our fancy degrees and book learnin' will never allow us to grasp.
Cops 2 You can fuck with the temps – and maybe that will give you a fix – but you will never be allowed to beat the shit out of the temp who does not quite grasp the concept of alphabetical order. No one hates cops because of their occupation. We hate cops because they have power we can only dream of possessing. We do not hate cops because they can pull us over for going only 5MPH over the speed limit. We hate cops because we wish we could do it. That yuppie in the Porsche who sped past you at 90 MPH, nearly causing you to crash into the median? Don't you wish you could have pulled him over? But, no, that bastard state trooper pulled you over for switching lanes without signaling. Stupid cops. We do not hate cops because they ask our precious skateboard-enthusiast children to stop knocking over old ladies exiting Wal-Mart. We hate cops because we wish we could do it other people's children. That smatchet who pushed a grocery cart into your Dodge Caravan? Don't you wish you could have waved a gun in his face? But, no, that bastard Barney Fife-wannabe made your son stop riding his bike against traffic. Fucking pigs. We are all envious of the power bestowed upon cops by the government. FOX's cop programs and specials are popular because, as much as we curse the police under our breath, we want to live vicariously through them. Drag that drunk out of his clunker. Step on that shoplifter's neck. Toss that illiterate slut in the paddy wagon by her greasy, stringy hair. As long as the cops aren't after us, we'll continue to eat it up. But we'll still hate them.